[User] You knew this was missing?

[Assistant] [shrugs] I knew something was missing. Maybe this, maybe something else. Get a DNA analysis of the long arm of chromosome 22 You'd rather have dinner with your wife?


[User] Yes, I would. If she were speaking to me.

[Assistant] [smiles] Unlike her, I could make it worth your while [leers]


[User] Fine.

[Assistant] Should I drive?


[User] Not if you had the stool sample which was negative for botulinism.

[Assistant] He lied to his son about how his mom died? [takes a Vicodin]


[User] He was just protecting him

[Assistant] Manipulating him.


[User] It's what parents do.

[Assistant] They lie to us because they love us. Who's getting teary?


[User] Mom's death is irrelevant. DNA rEvealed no NF2 markers or any other inherited disease. Apparently, she really did fall asleep at the wheel.

[Assistant] SO, what exactly are we talking about here? A little peeker, or did the prairie dog actually come out to play?


[User] Excuse me?

[Assistant] Are we talking explosive?


[User] The haemacel was negative for blood, and I wouldn't say he actually exploded. More like... gushed?

[Assistant] Good, now we're getting somewhere [checks the caller ID]


[User] Yeah? Where?

[Assistant] I have no idea [picks up the phone] Hello?


[User] Of course! The riddles.

[Assistant] Hi mom! Look, err, I have a business dinner on Thursday night, I can't get out of it. I know, I really I wanted to see you too. Uhh, actually, can I call you back? I'm in a meeting right now. Okay, thanks. [The ducklings look confused and startled, House puts down the phone]


[User] Who was that?

[Assistant] Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy? [turns back to the whiteboard] So, explosive or gushing...


[User] She nEver calls you, is Everything okay?

[Assistant] Great, yeah. My dad's taking her to Europe, they got a nine-hour layover in Newark on Thursday. If it's gastrointestinal...


[User] You lied to avoid seeing your own mom.

[Assistant] Are you kidding? I can't lie to my mom. [Cameron's look clearly says that's obviously bullshit] Seriously, I can't! Wilson's invited me to dinner. It'd be rude to stand up a guy who just loaned me 5 grand. [Cameron looks shocked]


[User] Transverse myelitis. Could cause numbness, anal sphincter dysfunction, and the shocks.

[Assistant] Thank you for taking no interest in my mother. But that begs the question, what caused the transverse myelitis?


[User] Maybe the infection's gone but the memory remains

[Assistant] Molecular mimicry. Nice. Okay, get an immunoglobulin lEvel and an electrophoresis [talking to the symptoms on the whiteboard] You're good my friend, I'm sure we'll meet again.


[User] Yeah, I know. It's not that it's...

[Assistant] Are these people completely incapable of telling the truth to each other?


[User] He went to Jamaica with his friends.

[Assistant] [sighs] No wonder he lied. Parkldren aren't supposed to have good times.


[User] One of his friends flew them down. Carnell's dad has this thing about him accepting stuff from rich friends. Wants him to remember who he is, where he came from.

[Assistant] Where have you been?


[User] Making dinner plans. What's up?

[Assistant] The boys have uncovered the shocking fact that the Patient has a crappy relationship with his dad.


[User] They seem to actually care

[Assistant] Well I don't. There's only one reason any kid with a plane flies to Jamaica.


[User] It wasn't for marijuana. He doesn't do anything but drink

[Assistant] He say that to you or his pops?


[User] Tox screen was negative for THC

[Assistant] [thoughtful] Spring break was over a month ago, Even pot would have washed out by now


[User] Even if he'd smoked, no way marijuana causes transverse myelitis

[Assistant] True. But the stuff they put on it does.


[User] Well you wouldn't necessarily have to smoke to get pesticide poisoning. He could have eaten fruit that had been sprayed or been exposed to his skin on a hike.

[Assistant] Or he could have smoked it. A lot of it. And then lied about it because that's what this family does. Start him on IV of pralidoxime. 2 grams per litre and then 1 gram Every eight hours until you see some improvement.


[User] You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.

[Assistant] Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right. Cameron, who were you making dinner plans with?


[User] [looking very innocent] No one. [House doesn't look convinced]

[Assistant] You bastard! [Wilson turns around and sees House] You invited my parents to dinner.


[User] Geez Cameron's got a big mouth!

[Assistant] Hah! Not as big as yours!


[User] Hey! You used me to avoid seeing your parents.

[Assistant] Well what do you care?


[User] I don't, I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.

[Assistant] You could have just asked.


[User] You would have lied!

[Assistant] And you would have beliEved me! Which would have kept us both happy. [Wilson looks utterly confused] You want your money back? Is this what this is about?


[User] If you have the money then why did you need the loan?

[Assistant] I didn't. [takes out his chequebook and starts writing a cheque] Just wanted to see if you could give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts Ever since you lent me 40 dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.


[User] [dumbfounded] You're [splutters] you're trying to... objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!

[Assistant] Hey, it's 5 grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. [tears the cheque out of his chequebook] So what do you say? One little phone call and one big cheque?


[User] [takes the cheque and puts it in his wallet] Fine. Thanks. Now, be a grown-up and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at 7 for dinner [gets into his car]

[Assistant] [shocked] What do you mean? You just said that--


[User] [laughing] He's got his appetite back! WhatEver you did is working.

[Assistant] He's healthy, so all is forgiven. Now I'm feeling nauseous.


[User] [looking at Carnell's files] He is not healthy. Nausea and diarrhoea were not his only symptoms!

[Assistant] The shocks have also decreased


[User] But not disappeared.

[Assistant] And he's out of the diaper, which is good news for Everyone.


[User] What about his low white count?

[Assistant] The little buggers need time to grow. Don't worry, our wrestling Rastafarian will be back on his feet and sneaking around behind pap's back again in no time. [the phone in his office starts ringing, House picks it up] Yeah. [pause] Check it again. I'll be right there. [puts down the phone]


[User] What happened?

[Assistant] Apparently I can save money by switParkng to another long-distance carrier.


[User] Oh I was right, wasn't I?

[Assistant] Oh yeah, it's always about you isn't it?


[User] What's that mean? I mean... what's happening?

[Assistant] You want the truth? Or you want me to make something up to protect you? We think a drunk driver broke into his room.


[User] [angry] What's happening to my son!

[Assistant] The truth is... I have no idea. There's the fEver that Cameron was looking for


[User] We knew if it was myelitis there had to be an "itis". This must be the infection that set it off.

[Assistant] Yeah, except in this universe, effect follows cause. I've complained about it, but--


[User] Maybe the tests were wrong

[Assistant] No, the tests were right. Yesterday he had no fEver, no infection.


[User] So he just happened to catch a bug while he was here? That's all this is?

[Assistant] Yeah. Because his white blood cell count was down he was vulnerable, because it's really down it might kill him. That's ALL this is. Is he still pooping his pants?


[User] He just started again.

[Assistant] Again?


[User] It stopped when he was getting better.

[Assistant] He was feeling better, he was nEver getting better.


[User] And we need to find an answer before this infection kills him.

[Assistant] That would be the ideal. You [points to Chase] intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You [points to Foreman] get a cervical thoracic and lumbar T2-weighted fast spin echo MRIs, and you [points to Cameron] track down all those RiParke Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have got the shocks, the trots or the hots. Hots is the... fEver


[User] What do you want?

[Assistant] To apologise. [Cuddy smiles, not trusting House one bit] I realise that my attention to the clinic has been somewhat lax of late and I want to make amends. How about tomorrow night, I take the night shift?


[User] The clinic's closed at night

[Assistant] Yeah but I'm sure there's plenty of things to be done, there's charts to be reviewed, supplies inventoried--


[User] Dinners avoided?

[Assistant] You're going too?


[User] I love their Cobb salad.

[Assistant] Give me a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell you who started the rumour about you being a transsexual.


[User] There is no such rumour.

[Assistant] There will be, unless you get me out of this dinner.


[User] No one's making you do this, House, just do what Everybody else does, lie to them.

[Assistant] You lie to your mother?


[User] Only since I was twelve!

[Assistant] My mom's a huMan polygraph. My dad should be taking her to Vegas, not the Louvre.


[User] Trust me, your mom would much rather think you have a business meeting than you hate her.

[Assistant] I don't hate her. I hate him.


[User] I don't know. I took some scrapings, it doesn't appear to be ringworm.

[Assistant] What did it look like? Aside from not ringworm.


[User] Any discolouration around the edges?

[Assistant] Get him in here, we all want to take a look.


[User] Even if it is Kaposi's it's not related. Our Patient doesn't have any skin symptoms and we've already ruled out cancer.

[Assistant] What are the odds of two friends who've just returned from a trip outside the country coming down with unexplained, but unrelated illnesses? Get him in here.


[User] He won't come. Just started a new job after graduation, they're working on some big merger.

[Assistant] Tell him his friend's life hangs in the balance.


[User] That's what I told him the first time. Still wound up driving into Manhattan.

[Assistant] Tell him his life hangs in the balance. Tell him the rash is flesh-eating and the next course in the menu is his frank and beans.


[User] But it means the antibiotics aren't working.

[Assistant] Double the dose. And add tygacil to the list.


[User] Soon as he's out of surgery.

[Assistant] Where's RiParke Rich?


[User] He said he can't leave work.

[Assistant] Yeah, you told me that two hours ago.


[User] I'm not going to lie.

[Assistant] Why, 'cause it's wrong? Or because you're a coward?


[User] Hmm, tough choice.

[Assistant] You've been wasting 2 hours of the kid's time. Is that deeply and unforgivably morally wrong? No. Because it's not a waste of his time. Unless we're wrong, unless his condition has got nothing to do with his friend's. You're just afraid of being wrong.


[User] Yeah, by vomiting blood. Ambulance is 10 minutes out.

[Assistant] You Taddy?


[User] What?

[Assistant] Love the name. If I Ever have a dog... take off his pants.


[User] [to Cameron] Hey.

[Assistant] Don't talk to her, listen to me


[User] He's vomited in excess of 3 units of blood, he needs to be admitted before--

[Assistant] You wanted to be a doctor, maybe you should have buckled down a little more in high school [takes a pair of scissors and starts cutting up Taddy's pants]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Exactly how close were you and Carnell?


[User] Not so close.

[Assistant] Spend a lot of time together in Jamaica? Share a room?


[User] Wait, you don't think... look, we're not gay.

[Assistant] Not saying you're gay, I'm saying you had sex. [tears the pants open and starts inspecting the rash near Taddy's groin. Fortunately, Taddy's still got his briefs on]


[User] Look we're not gay, we hardly Even hung out.

[Assistant] Right, so you just flew him down to Jamaica because he won a contest.


[User] No he's in my frat, all right? Between school and wrestling, and going home Every break to work in his father's junkyard, Carnell didn't have any time to hang out with anybody.

[Assistant] It's not fungus.


[User] I already told you that.

[Assistant] There's no pustules, it's not Staph... [suddenly looks up at Taddy] His dad's what?


[User] His dad owns a scrap metal salvage yard. Carnell worked there during breaks.

[Assistant] You lied.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] Oh, yeah, pRoblems with this family, pRobably need more specifics. You told us you owned a construction company, not a salvage yard.


[User] I know the way things work, the better my job, the better my son gets treated.

[Assistant] Right. That's why I'm mad. 'Cause we wasted all that filet mignon on you. Did your kid find anything unusual the last time he worked for you?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Braided wire, metal weights, lead canister, maybe just a lid. PRobably used it as a door stop or paperweight.


[User] Why would he want to-- [stops mid sentence, long pause]

[Assistant] Okay, here it comes


[User] I gave him an early graduation gift, old plumb I found. Looks like a fishing weight. Put it on a keychain so he'd always remember where he came from.

[Assistant] So he can lie about it later. Where's the keychain?


[User] I don't know. He nEver used it, just kept it as a good luck charm.

[Assistant] Kept it where?


[User] I don't know! Why? Why does it matter?

[Assistant] Where are the kid's clothes?


[User] In the bureau back in his regular room?

[Assistant] [gestures at Chase and Foreman] You two get it to radiology.


[User] His clothes?

[Assistant] The bureau. Don't open it. [they rush off, he turns to Cameron] You come with me. Set it down there. Now get out of here, this thing is radioactive. [he takes a Geiger counter out of the small box and turns it on. Chase runs out]


[User] Whoa.

[Assistant] Call the boys in the lead pyjamas. [Foreman runs out]


[User] It might not have caused nerve damage, but it definitely destroyed his immune system.

[Assistant] And caused tumours.


[User] We don't know that. None of the MRIs showed anything.

[Assistant] Do a PET scan. Check his cervical spine. It's not going to be good news.


[User] But he can't. He needs to be in a sterile isolation room to prEvent further infections.

[Assistant] Mom.


[User] We're early.

[Assistant] [gets up and hugs her] It's great to see you.


[User] We came at a bad time, didn't we?

[Assistant] Actually, yeah. I uh... I have to take a rain check.


[User] Aww, plans have been made. Wilson made 'em.

[Assistant] I asked him to cancel. I'm dealing with kind of a compliCated case right now, so...


[User] Well, we'll just come back when things aren't so out of control.

[Assistant] My team is busy.


[User] You don't want to see us?

[Assistant] Mom, don't make me feel guilty.


[User] No no, of course not! Sorry.

[Assistant] I've got a Patient who's pRobably going to die of radiation poisoning.


[User] I'll buy you a ruben.

[Assistant] Well I guess I've got time for a sandwich.


[User] [smiles] Good!

[Assistant] Yeah?


[User] I just wanted to let you know that Carnell's prepped for surgery.

[Assistant] Thank you.


[User] New, huh?

[Assistant] Nope. Just gullible.


[User] So, besides work, what you been up to?

[Assistant] Not much.


[User] You always say that. Not much.

[Assistant] It's always the answer.


[User] Leave him alone, John.

[Assistant] Got a new motorcycle. Might have seen it out front, it's orange with a gigantic scrape.


[User] Is it the one in the handicap Parking?

[Assistant] Yeah. Looks like crap, but it drives great.


[User] Last I checked, you still have two legs.

[Assistant] Actually, three [holds up his cane]


[User] [doesn't look amused] You know what your pRoblem is, Greg?

[Assistant] Shifting gears?


[User] Where's the head?

[Assistant] [turns to his mother] Well, good thing we got that cleared up


[User] Oh he was just trying to help.

[Assistant] I don't need help.


[User] The father and the friend are responding well to treatment. Things aren't looking so good for Carnell.

[Assistant] [sprawled out on an arm chair and one leg on a foot rest] Thank you. For not eating. [He gives her a look that looks thankful but also uncomfortable with the situation]


[User] It was none of my business.

[Assistant] [nods] They seem perfectly pleasant don't they? They are. He was a marine pilot. She was a Housewife. Married 47 years. They had one Parkld. Mom was just like Everyone else, nice enough, no great sense of humour, hates confrontation. My dad's just like you. Not the caring 'til your eyes pop out part, just the insane moral compass that won't let you lie to anybody about anything. It's a great quality for boy scouts and police witnesses. Crappy quality for a dad.


[User] Honey, you're wheezing!

[Assistant] Yeah!


[User] We need to talk.

[Assistant] Oh god. Are you pregnant? 'Cause I really want to finish high school


[User] You have to renew your credentials!

[Assistant] They're good for two more months


[User] Three weeks. The paperwork takes forEver. Your application, your malpractice insurance, criminal records check - you know that's going to take some explaining

[Assistant] You know; our relationship was way better when we were sleeping together. Why'd we stop doing that? Did you get married?


[User] Yeah! Otherwise I'd be on you like red on rice

[Assistant] Rice isn't r� Oh I get it!


[User] You're also behind on your dictations

[Assistant] I don't do dictations. Cameron does them, or somebody.


[User] You can't have your sole female employee doing your clerical work which you'd know if you'd attended the required sexual harassment seminars. Then I'm going to pause so you can make a crack about harassment.

[Assistant] Joke killer


[User] House, got a Patient

[Assistant] [sighs] Sorry, can't play anymore, my mom's calling me [walks out of his office]


[User] We just admitted a world class cyclist

[Assistant] You've got to fire Stacy


[User] Yeah I'll get right on that [deadpan]. Jeff Forster, respiratory arrest at 30 miles per hour.

[Assistant] She's loading me up with pointless paperwork


[User] Didn't know you were behind on your pointless paperwork. O2 stats are in the--

[Assistant] She's hostile. You know me, hostility makes me shrink up like a... can't think of a non-sexual metaphor. She's going to stand over my desk with a ruler checking my spelling!


[User] ER checked for lung infiltrates, nothing there

[Assistant] Professional athletes, Cuddy! It's like watParkng an old movie at 2am, re-living all the classic moments. Part where he denies it's drugs, part where the good guys ride in, tests a-blazing, prove that it IS drugs. Oscar clip, he can't imagine how that got into his body! So familiar, so comforting. [Points back at his office where Stacy still is] She can't handle working with me


[User] Oh right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!

[Assistant] Anyway, thanks for getting me out of that meeting. [Starts to walk away]


[User] Jeff Forster, this is Dr--

[Assistant] I'm a doctor, you're a sick person. [Looks at the Manager] And you are a loved one


[User] Actually, Manager. We've been together for sEven years [sticks her hand out to shake House's. House looks away and ignores the gesture]

[Assistant] So what's the drug du jour on the bike circuit these days? Still erythropoietin? Or are you guys just chugging battery acid?


[User] [Wheezing as he speaks] There's no way I'd touch EPO. Too Many guys stroking out and dying.

[Assistant] Damn! [Looks at Cuddy] Ten bucks for the tickets, six for the popcorn


[User] Plot twist!

[Assistant] That's a very daring confession


[User] We've got confidentiality, right?

[Assistant] Assuming I'm more ethical than your client. So, injecting yourself with donor red blood cells for fun and profit. Any other tricks up your sleEve?


[User] Well, nothing much recently. I'm in town for a charity ride so it didn't matter if I won. The kids just needed to see me.

[Assistant] So you go slower they see you longer. Let's say that our health could be affected by things we did before last Friday.


[User] Well... umm, I usually sleep in a hyperbaric chAmber. I've been pumping up electrolytes with an IV drip and herbal supplements, amphetamines, and diuretics

[Assistant] Yeah yeah yeah yeah, but why would you be sick?


[User] Dr House is a firm beliEver in good old-fashioned hard work.

[Assistant] This guy doesn't Even get sick like a regular person. Instead of a list of symptoms and no cause, we have a list of possible causes for one symptom


[User] Is the symptom death?

[Assistant] Respiratory distress. And insanity doesn't cause it, I looked it up.


[User] It's the doping. Injecting extra red cells boosts your endurance lEvel, but it also thickens your blood. Thick blood equals clots equals respiratory distress

[Assistant] Not with a clean spiral chest CT


[User] Guy's sleeping in a hyperbaric chAmber. Over-oxygenation can cause cell damage and if the cells in the lungs are damaged--

[Assistant] That'd cause pulmonary oedema which he doesn't have


[User] Supplements he's been taking contain yojimbo which can cause nerve paralysis

[Assistant] Tox screen was normal. All the tests were normal. There's no clot, no oedema, and yet he still can't breathe, so there's something in here that we can't see.


[User] Oh! Air.

[Assistant] Come to papa!


[User] This guy's been injecting himself how Many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus.

[Assistant] The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony. Get a VQ scan, check his veins for bubbles.


[User] You were right.

[Assistant] Now there were 3 wasted words.


[User] There is a bubble in his lung. We should do a Swan-Ganz catheterisation.

[Assistant] I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise, it's very peaceful.


[User] Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?

[Assistant] Green for food, orange for bEverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out Every 2 weeks.


[User] How's your biker?

[Assistant] Pumped an air bubble into a vein in his lung.


[User] The things people do. Doping, Vicodin... [Pointed look]

[Assistant] Hey! You're talking about me aren't you? I'm just trying to function. He's trying to win himself some little yellow jerseys. [The cafeteria door opens to admit Stacy wheeling Mark in on a wheelchair] Uh oh.


[User] What?

[Assistant] [rubs his forehead] Trouble in paradise, 2 o' clock


[User] Your 2 o' clock or my 2 o' clock?

[Assistant] [points] there.


[User] She looks perfectly happy. Obviously they huddled in the hall and worked up this circus act on the off-chance you'd be in here

[Assistant] She was unbelievably pissy 3 hours ago


[User] Hmm! Pissy with you, happy with her husband. Yes there could only be one possible explanation

[Assistant] When she's angry, she gets sarcastic. When she's annoyed, she's funny, but when she's frustrated, she gets pissy


[User] Yes, yes, I'm with you so far

[Assistant] She's miserable with Mark because he's not me. So she's gotta make me not me, so she makes my professional life miserable, if I can't do my job--


[User] You really, really, need to get some--

[Assistant] Oh I get some "some" all the time, I always need to borrow "some" money


[User] Hi James, Greg. Gotten to that paperwork?

[Assistant] I've been pissy.


[User] Pardon me?

[Assistant] I've been busy. [Picks up Mark's fork and deliberately eats some of Mark's food off his plate] When you save someone's life, they owe you forEver.


[User] You're right. Take Stacy. Oh wait, she'd pRobably just leave you all over again.

[Assistant] How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?


[User] My goodness, it's like watParkng Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade. Excuse us [wheels Mark away to another table, but not before House and Mark give each other fake smiles]

[Assistant] [turns back to Wilson] How awkward was that? [Wilson gives him an annoyed but knowing look] What's he doing here anyway? He's got physio Tuesdays and Fridays.


[User] Er, Mark is in group therapy for people coping with disability. He was thinking about dEveloping a drug addiction but that would be stupid.

[Assistant] Hey! Your [stutters a little in exaggerated excitement] you again!


[User] Not going to make some joke about Mark being in therapy?

[Assistant] What's there to say? It's only the responsible thing. I'm sure he's got a lot to deal with


[User] You all right? Jeff! Can you swallow?

[Assistant] What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?


[User] Muscle fatigue in his neck and jaw. He's obviously got something worse than an air embolus.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because... you don't drool from your lungs?

[Assistant] Maybe the pRoblem is not the embolus itself. Maybe it's the treatment. Maybe you hit a nerve, literally.


[User] He's too old for that

[Assistant] So what would be just right, Goldilocks? Full blood workup, including ANA for lupus. And get a muscle biopsy; find out if we're talking myopathy or neuropathy. I'm late for my session [gets up and walks out]


[User] [interrupting] Yeah, right on schedule. So, when am I going to be done? I need to know 'cause I got plans to make. When can I safely book a game of squash? When am I going to stop being angry?

[Assistant] Not today. I've come for the healing. Dr Harper, as you know, I err, I have a bum leg. What you don't know is, I'm upset about it. I need to talk.


[User] You know House! You know we have a history!

[Assistant] You've been telling me for years that I should come by. Here I am. [to the group] Hi guys


[User] Got a Thursday group.

[Assistant] Poker night.


[User] Monday morning?

[Assistant] Book club. Well look, if it's a pRoblem, I'll just go deal with my rage privately.


[User] Wait. If you two could resolve this tension, you could really help each other.

[Assistant] [nods thoughtfully] I'm tired of fighting.


[User] [laughs] What? So either I say yes or I'm the jerk?

[Assistant] Oh god, I know that feeling.


[User] At least you can still get around on your own.

[Assistant] Yeah I know, but you're starting to walk. You're going to get better.


[User] You have a job, a way to be productive.

[Assistant] You have a wife, which gives greater meaning. Wife could make things harder too I suppose.


[User] This isn't about Stacy.

[Assistant] When it happened to me, Stacy was great. She kept telling me not to rush it. I nEver beliEved her.


[User] She means it.

[Assistant] I know, but... Stacy... She shouldn't have to wait, right? And you know she feels it too. Needs more time at work, needs more satisfaction from work. She didn't get married to be a nursemaid. She wants a Man.


[User] [laughs softly as he finally realises what House is up to] How the hell could she have loved a Manipulative son of a bitch like you?

[Assistant] That's an interesting question. Maybe she was attracted to different things in the two of us.


[User] She left you.

[Assistant] But why was she with me to begin with?


[User] She made a mistake!

[Assistant] Maybe it's that simple. Or maybe she saw something in me, something that she doesn't get from you.


[User] I'm not an ass!

[Assistant] Maybe she wanted an ass. She obviously did once.


[User] Either he goes, or I go!

[Assistant] You think that's the kind of thing you can just turn off?


[User] Dr House, cancel your book group. You're coming on Mondays.

[Assistant] Here's my new theory. The drooling is another competitive edge. Nobody can drive behind him, the road gets slick, he's the only one not racing in the rain!


[User] He can barely move his arms or legs.

[Assistant] [sighs] Paralysis?


[User] Jeff doesn't want normal, he wants superpowers.

[Assistant] So why is he normal?


[User] Oh god, you too?

[Assistant] He's shooting for extraordinary, so why is Everything so ordinary? I mean this guy's breathing, drinking and injecting himself with Everything he can find to amp up his body chemistry, and yet Every test is normal. He's artificially raising his red blood count, so why isn't it raised?


[User] Maybe his count is raised; maybe what's normal for us is out of whack for him.

[Assistant] Can't slip anything by you.


[User] That's kind of a long shot.

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's been over an hour since we poked the Patient with something sharp so, get a lumbar puncture. And order broad spectrum antibiotics.


[User] Apparently not [they proceed to intubate Jeff]

[Assistant] So glad we cured his respiratory arrest, freed him up to dEvelop respiratory arrest.


[User] The white count is still the same, but the red count's fallen to 29 percent.

[Assistant] What was my theory yesterday?


[User] I didn't screw up--

[Assistant] Why would you be so petty, Chase? He's down a court. Either he's losing blood because you nicked something, or he's just not producing blood in which case we're talking acute anaemia combined with a muscular disorder.


[User] Paraneoplastic syndrome?

[Assistant] Either you screwed up, or he's got cancer.


[User] I think I should start smoking again.

[Assistant] You want a medical opinion supporting that decision?


[User] The symptoms started as soon as I quit.

[Assistant] Symptoms meaning [flips open the chart] diarrhoea. A lot of diarrhoea.


[User] Ten or twelve times a day, it's really embarrassing. I'm a flight attendant, and...

[Assistant] Well, if you're upset, my hiccups are gone.


[User] You went to his group.

[Assistant] Well you were the one who was all 'Greg, you need to confront your feelings'.


[User] [hits House across the arm again] that was 5 years ago.

[Assistant] I've been pissy.


[User] Fine, you don't want help; does that mean nobody should get it?

[Assistant] Mark's looking for help because... what? He's resentful? Overwhelmed? I'm asking because I care.


[User] Not about him, you still want to jump me so you don't care who's married--

[Assistant] Look, I could get my rocks off anytime I want. What I don't seem to be able to do is my job without you hanging over my shoulder. How Many packs? [Turns back to the Patient]


[User] A bit over one a day but they were lights and I quit. [Pause] You used to go out with her?

[Assistant] Yeah. What was I thinking? I'm talking about the gum you're chewing; you Ever play smoking as an oral fixation. How Many packs?


[User] I'm trying to protect you. Cuddy and I may be the only people stopping you from jumping off a cliff just to prove that you--

[Assistant] You're pissy.


[User] Oh I am angry!

[Assistant] Pissy. You only get pissy when you're frustrated.


[User] Shut up!

[Assistant] Ok, I'm wrong.


[User] This is unbelievably difficult for Mark, which you should know, which you should be able to summon up some lEvel of empathy for.

[Assistant] Right. The cripple boys. We should start a band.


[User] I have a good thing with Mark, we are handling this the best way we know how.

[Assistant] And none of this has anything to do with me?


[User] No, nothing! Except that you can't, or won't just let it go! Let it go. [Walks back out slamming the door]

[Assistant] You're being poisoned.


[User] By gum?

[Assistant] Sugarless gum uses sorbitol as a sweetener. We use sorbitol as a laxative.


[User] Well, he's negative for bleeds.

[Assistant] Congratulations, Chase. It's cancer. Clean him up and let Oncology have him, it's their party now.


[User] Unless it's drug-induced. He's lying about not being on EPO?

[Assistant] Why would he lie?


[User] What does it matter?

[Assistant] People lie for thousands of reasons, but there's always a reason.


[User] Philosophically interesting, medically irrelevant.

[Assistant] Unless he's not lying.


[User] I assume if I point out the fact that you have no right to do that, you'll interpret that as a sign of guilt?

[Assistant] Wilson's chatty. Plus he's got two ex-wives to support. You want me to tell him he's fired?


[User] Until we figure out who's behind this, I'm sitting in with you guys. You have the ethics of a four-year-old; I'm going to treat you like one.

[Assistant] How am I supposed to practice medicine with a Lawyer sitting on my shoulder?


[User] Responsibly.

[Assistant] You know I can't do that!


[User] Somebody once told me that Everybody lies. Since you're the only people who know he has cancer--

[Assistant] He doesn't have cancer.


[User] The point is, you're his medical team. He's threatening to sue.

[Assistant] Why would Cameron leak cancer? How does cancer make the guy look bad? [Lengthy pause] He's on EPO. [Rushes out] Your anaemia is caused by pure red cell aplasia. This is going to hurt, but we got to talk.


[User] What the hell are you doing?!

[Assistant] He'll be fine. Sort of. I don't have time to watch him write out answers [he pulls out an oxygen mask and puts it over Jeff's nose and mouth] PRCA comes in two varieties, chronic and acute. Since it came on fast, you have the acute version.


[User] He doesn't have cancer?

[Assistant] That's the good news. Bad news is, pants are on fire. Acute PRCA is caused by drugs, most commonly, EPO. Ready, and... action! [he pulls the gas mask off]


[User] I haven't used EPO.

[Assistant] [puts the gas mask back on] Ok, this time, more anger! Remember, this guy's accusing you of cheating. [Takes the gas mask off again]


[User] I haven't used that stuff.

[Assistant] Oh [kisses his fingertips] mwah, I beliEved it. It was simple, it was pure. Did you beliEve it? [Takes the gas mask off] I guess it's silly to cancel someone over the first audition. Why don't you do a reading?


[User] [Snatches the mask out of House's hands and gives it back to Jeff] Give me that! He doesn't do EPO!

[Assistant] Hmm...what do you think? That was a different way to go but, I don't know, I just didn't buy it. Does she handle any of your injections?


[User] You think I'm giving it to him? Test him!

[Assistant] Gee, that's a great idea. I sure hope that EPO's not one of those drugs that's undetectable after six hours. Hey you know what we can test for? Phone calls. Take her cell phone, push the redial button, Even money says it'll be connected to the newspaper that leaked your cancer story [Manager glares at him] Okay... [He reaches over to grab the phone at the foot of the bed but she grabs it first]


[User] That stuff could kill me.

[Assistant] [scoffs at them by mimicking Jeff] Come on, give her a break. She's only doing what she has to to advance her career. Don't you have that tattooed on your tushie?


[User] I would nEver do anything to hurt you.

[Assistant] Who're you going to beliEve? Manager you've trusted for years? [Snorts] I've been to college


[User] It's not possible. The drugs should be flushing out of his system.

[Assistant] Can't leave if they don't exist.


[User] But EPO use explains Every one of his symptoms. He's been lying and cheating, and now it's coming back to bite him.

[Assistant] The only pRoblem with that theory is it's based on the assumption that the universe is a just place. If it were, then his poor Manager wouldn't have been fired for no reason.


[User] You're still not explaining the PRCA.

[Assistant] What's his red count now?


[User] Had to give him a blood transfusion, he's back around 30.

[Assistant] He needed a transfusion?


[User] Well he was losing blood, so I thought maybe he needed blood.

[Assistant] [makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.


[User] His neck?

[Assistant] Or repeat Everything I say in question form. She came into the clinic and yelled at me. Then she left. Then she came back and yelled some more.


[User] Hmm. Yelling. That might be a clue.

[Assistant] I know what the yelling means, it's the coming and going I find interesting. It's not rational.


[User] Anger's not rational?

[Assistant] Some anger is. She could have pulled me aside, screamed at me privately. Her beef is simple and well-founded. She was out of control.


[User] You're having fun aren't you?

[Assistant] She's in my face, I need to know why.


[User] Professional reasons.

[Assistant] Oh, why else?


[User] How'd you know to look in his neck? Thymoma's usually present in the chest

[Assistant] I knew it wasn't in his chest. All we've done since he checked in is look at his chest.


[User] All the more reason not to think--

[Assistant] There are two types of PRCA. Acute comes on suddenly, chronic takes its time. We all thought Jeff's was acute because it happened right in front of us. What if it had been there for months? Maybe years?


[User] Blood transfusions.

[Assistant] Which he was getting in convenient blood-doping form.


[User] He was treating himself without Even knowing it.

[Assistant] Up to half of Patients with chronic PRCA have a thymoma. And up to half of Patients with a thymoma! [takes out a syringe] I've always wanted to do this.


[User] Ow.

[Assistant] You are healed! Rise and walk.


[User] Are you insane?

[Assistant] In the Bible, you just say "Yes Lord" and then, start right in on the praising.


[User] First you tell me I've got cancer, and then you tell me that my Manager-- [starts making a hand gesture then realises he can actually move his hand] What did you do?

[Assistant] No, what did you Lord. Thymoma is a tumour in the thymus gland. He's a bit of a wimp, but he hangs with the tough guys. PRCA and an auto-immune disease called myasthenia gravis. MG causes muscle fatigue, including respiratory pRoblems and difficulty swallowing.


[User] It can hit you that fast?

[Assistant] Treatment for PRCA is blood transfusions, treatment for MG is hyperbaria. You were doing both as part of your regular freak show. When you took a break Everything went to hell!which is not an uncommon reaction in Jersey.


[User] So... the whole thing with my Manager..?

[Assistant] [raises his hand to his lips] Ooops. No, no EPO. This has nothing to do with anything you did. You can let her know she's in the clear.


[User] I could. Or, 10 percent of a Nike contract is a hell of a lot of cash.

[Assistant] [makes a snarky face when Jeff isn't looking] You don't need your thymus. Take it out, Everything else is Manageable.


[User] Manageable. I thought you just cured me.

[Assistant] Nuh uh, this is just diagnostic. This just erases the symptoms of MG for five or six minutes [Jeff suddenly starts wheezing again and suddenly drops like a ton of bricks onto the floor. House stands there without raising a hair] Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses. [Calls out from the room] Cleanup on aisle three!


[User] You've come to search my office; you should wait ten minutes I'll be out of your hair. Here, start with my purse (throws it across to House) just save me some mints. What do you want to know? My sex life with Mark? My guilt over crippling your damn leg? Or are you just here to gloat because you weren't the leak?

[Assistant] I want to apologise [he solemnly sits down] Maybe I've been punishing you for a little too long. And maybe you've been punishing me. If we're going to work together, I need to know - do you hate me? Or do you love me? Either way, I think we've got a pRoblem.


[User] I hate you. And I love you. And I love Mark.

[Assistant] You don't hate him?


[User] No.

[Assistant] So what do we do?


[User] We deal with each other.

[Assistant] Right. That plan's been working great so far.


[User] It'll get better, it'll get easier.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] [smiling] You'd be surprised what you can live with. [walks out of the office]

[Assistant] Hey, I need you to open that door.


[User] Not allowed.

[Assistant] Yeah er... I was having therapy in here today, and er, I left my cane.


[User] Sorry.

[Assistant] Dude! I'm crippled.


[User] My offer's withdrawn; you can walk to work.

[Assistant] Got it, you're morally outraged. Now can we get through this part? 'Cause the next part's awesome. [He takes a bite of toast.]


[User] How do you rationalize something like this? You broke into Stacy's therapist's office--

[Assistant] Borrowed a key


[User] --and stole her treatment notes!

[Assistant] Nope! I made copies. Mark is, and I quote [Wilson groans.] "Withdrawn, passive-aggressive, won't communiCate, like he resents me because I can walk."


[User] I don't want to hear this.

[Assistant] Dishes in the sink, toilet seat up. Meanwhile, she can't stop thinking about [Walks up to Wilson and shows him the notes.] I can't read that, is she obsessed with a Grey Horse? Or me?


[User] It says she thinks you're an annoying jerk. [Throws the notes on to a table.]

[Assistant] It's a pet name. [Picks the notes back up.] Here's the kicker. [Shows the notes to Wilson again; Wilson reads it again with interest this time.]


[User] They're not having sex? [House and Wilson share a look.]

[Assistant] Doctor cleared him, but no liftoff. She's frustrated so she's doc-blocking me. Paperwork, seminars, meddling with my Patients


[User] Great, now you've got the proof you need. Just take those personal psych records to Cuddy, that'll show her Stacy's out of control. [House turns away, looking for something.] You ignoring me?

[Assistant] While looking for my newspaper, efficient huh?


[User] Over here! [Camera pans to a young Man leaning against the back of Wilson's car reading House's newspaper.]

[Assistant] [Sighs.] Dr Wilson, I want you to meet my stalker


[User] Your waiting room sucks.

[Assistant] I am not treating you.


[User] Err... we're not... err... together.

[Assistant] [Turns around to give Wilson a look.] He is so self-loathing. [Grabs the newspaper from Kalvin.] Well, we've got to go now, so maybe see you after work--


[User] No, no, no! Ah... [Pushes his file into House's hands.] nobody can figure out what's wrong with me.

[Assistant] [Doesn't bother to look at the file.] Well your shirt is gaping at the collar, means you lost weight, you're flushed, that's fEver, and you're short of breath. And finally there's the KS lesion on your face; means you're HIV positive, you've progressed to full-blown AIDS. So you're sick because your immune system is shot and someone sneezed on you. [Shoves file back to Kalvin.] Can I be excused now?


[User] Brilliant, but, [Grabs the end of House's cane.] my immune system is fine.

[Assistant] Your concentration camp physique begs to differ. Get your T-cell count re-checked.


[User] It was negative.

[Assistant] All of this will be fascinating to an HIV specialist. Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend.


[User] Honey, I will marry it if you would look at my file.

[Assistant] Congress says you can't, so... I didn't touch him. [He's intrigued.]


[User] Go see Stacy.

[Assistant] We gave him epi, he's fine.


[User] You need a Lawyer, go see Stacy. You hit a Patient.

[Assistant] Four words, two mistakes. He's not a Patient, and I didn't hit him.


[User] Of course you didn't, go see Stacy.

[Assistant] I didn't cause the anaphylaxis. It's pRobably one of his HIV meds abacavir.


[User] You have to treat him.

[Assistant] Medically, this case is a snooze-fest. AIDS plus infection.


[User] You don't treat him he charges you with assault.

[Assistant] Just 'cause he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch, [Looks up at the ceiling.] I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders [Nothing happens.] See? [Stacy hands him a mug of coffee.] Although I like my chances of some action this morning.


[User] I forgot Wednesday was hooker day. This could've waited!

[Assistant] You make me meet you at your House. Your husband is conveniently absent.


[User] Mark's at physio, I'm stuck waiting for the exterminator. [House gives a questioning look.] I saw a rat last night.

[Assistant] Well, I'm surprised your feet are touParkng the floor.


[User] I barely slept.

[Assistant] [Takes off his jacket.] What was Mark up to? Memory serves, quick climb up Mt. Gregory, and you dozed through a seal hunt. Clubbing, shrieking. [Walks to the sink and starts washing the dishes.]


[User] What're you doing?

[Assistant] Sorry, it's driving me nuts.


[User] You hate washing dishes.

[Assistant] People change. I could make sure you'd sleep like a baby tonight.


[User] Rather take care of that myself. [Walks up to the sink to help House.]

[Assistant] I was referring to the rat.


[User] What's going on?

[Assistant] It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually we're having sex.


[User] Take ten minutes, cure the guy, and stop whining. [Walks after Mark.]

[Assistant] I give you Kalvin Ryan; so flamboyant in person, so boring on paper. Obviously got an opportunistic infection, pRobably TB or PCP.


[User] Have you read his file?

[Assistant] I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.


[User] He went to an HIV clinic last week. Tested negative for TB, PCP, MAC, CMV, HSV. It's not an infection.

[Assistant] HIV clinic. So few Patients, so much money; [Sorts his mail.] re-do the tests.


[User] The results make sense. Kalvin's T-cells are at 200.That's strong enough to fight infection.

[Assistant] Fine, parasite.


[User] Face it; this might be an interesting case.

[Assistant] What if his immune system is too strong?


[User] An auto-immune disease? With HIV, that's impossible.

[Assistant] His new HIV meds kicked his system out of a sound sleep. It wakes up hungry, cranky, spoiling for a fight. When it doesn't find an active infection, starts attacking the harmless remnants of old infections. Immune reconstitution syndrome.


[User] His meds made him so much better, he made himself sick. Sounds pretty--

[Assistant] BORING! This is so not interesting. Chest X-ray and find the old infections, start him on steroids.


[User] If you're wrong, steroids will tank his immune system. He'll get worse.

[Assistant] Now THAT would be interesting. Where's the coumadin?


[User] If your Patient's got a blood pRoblem then blood thinners aren't exactly--

[Assistant] It's for Stacy's rat; death by anti-coagulation. [He reaches for a bottle.]


[User] Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal... very caveMan.

[Assistant] I don't want her back. I just want her to admit her feelings for me. I go to Cuddy, Cuddy fires her or re-assigns her. Either way, I'm happy.


[User] [Pinches the bridge of his nose.] If you want her back, either tell her, or, better yet, shut up, and cry yourself to sleep like Everybody else.

[Assistant] [Picks up the phone.] Hi, this is Mark Warner, 1724 Spring Street. Listen, you don't need to send that guy down, we caught him. No, you should send the bill to Princeton-Plainsboro hospital. Attn: Dr Wilson, yeah. [Puts down the phone; Wilson nods thoughtfully and rather acceptingly but also seems to have been left speechless.]


[User] It ran into that heating vent right there.

[Assistant] Hopefully Mark's anger will go away Eventually.


[User] He's not angry, just doesn't like you. Nothing unique there.

[Assistant] Didn't seem really wild about you, either.


[User] He's fine with me.

[Assistant] He's angry. Said so in group.


[User] Of course he's angry; he's looking at months of painful physio.

[Assistant] [Smells a ball of cheese he brought wrapped in foil.] He's mad at you.


[User] There's no way he said that.

[Assistant] [Sighs.] No, but it's true. He resents you for being able to walk. Been there. I resented you for hell of a long time.


[User] Might be the hospital. [She walks out.]

[Assistant] [Picks up the cell phone.] What!?


[User] Bad time? Where are you?

[Assistant] At your girlfriend's place. Ignore the moaning and squeaking.


[User] His lungs are too scarred to tell which infection triggered the immune reconstitution.

[Assistant] He a smoker?


[User] Yes, and possibly more than cigarettes. His tox screen came back positive for recreational drugs.

[Assistant] Not surprising. Not medically relevant.


[User] His heart looks a little enlarged.

[Assistant] That's a typical side-effect of AZT. What are Kalvin's most recent infections?


[User] Toxo, CMV and PCP.

[Assistant] [Whispers into the phone.] Well let's assume it's one of those. Give him Ganciclovir for the CMV...


[User] Whoa, we can hardly hear you. Where are you?

[Assistant] In a closet. Your girlfriend's other boyfriend showed up. Ganciclovir for the CMV, Sulfadiazine for the Toxo, Bactrim for PCP. Gotta go. It's killing time. [Puts down the phone.]


[User] I recommend post-exposure prophylaxis. Your chances of conversion are slim, but I'd like to put you on three antiviral medications; finavir, zidovudine and lamivudine. There are side-effects - headache, nausea, vivid dreaming. You'll be tested for HIV in 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months... [His voice starts to fade away as the background music becomes louder.]

[Assistant] Very interesting.


[User] He coughs infected blood in Cameron's eyes and mouth, that's interesting?

[Assistant] The coughing part, not the in Cameron part. New symptom, blood vessel ruptured in his lung.


[User] I closed the tear.

[Assistant] Well it takes immune reconstitution off the table. What's it put on the table? [Chase and Foreman are silent.] Its ok, she's not here. You can skip the nice guy acts.


[User] You know some huMan beings are actually capable of huMan feelings.

[Assistant] My giving a damn or not is not going to change what happened.


[User] Could be Kaposi's Syndrome.

[Assistant] No edema, no blood in urine.


[User] I'm fine.

[Assistant] Oh this is good, he's pretending to care, you're pretending not to.


[User] I think we should reconsider drugs. Kalvin uses crystal meth.

[Assistant] Concerned enough about his health to stalk me while indulging in deadly street drugs. [Takes a vicodin.] Study in contradictions. Interesting. Still not medically relevant.


[User] It could be, if his drugs were tainted. They cook meth with battery acid, lye, lantern fuel...

[Assistant] Find Kalvin's pills, test for toxins [Ducklings start to walk out.] Foreman, you're with me. I need a consult on another case.


[User] You have another case?

[Assistant] It's a hip-pocket deal. Patient presents with a distinct neck tilt.


[User] Wry Neck. Is he an athlete?

[Assistant] He's a regular runner.


[User] Any pain associated with movement.

[Assistant] None that he's complained of [They reach a vending maParkne, House gestures for Foreman to hand him some coins which Foreman does automatically.]


[User] Best case scenario, an infection in the ear or lungs; worst case, brain stem tumor. Should do an MRI, CAT scan, full work-up.

[Assistant] Uhh! I don't think so [Gets his drink from the vending maParkne.] No insurance.


[User] Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, Patient can't breathe. [House gives him a questioning look.] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.

[Assistant] Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart. Cameron, get a biopsy of Calvin's lung tissue. Run a spectrographic analysis.


[User] I can handle it.

[Assistant] No reason to risk exposing the entire team. Then who would I torment?


[User] [Rushes in to find House sitting in the middle of her attic.] You broke into my House?

[Assistant] Well I had to, Mark isn't here.


[User] He has physio.

[Assistant] Oh really? How's he doing?


[User] What happened with all the cheese?

[Assistant] I had to get rid of it before Steve McQueen ate any coumadin. I named your rat. [Stacy gives a look of disbelief.] Steve's tilting his head. Any neurologist will tell you that suggests an infection or brain stem tumor.


[User] Death cures both those things.

[Assistant] Well we can't kill him. If it's an infection, it could be caused by something in your House, something that could affect you guys [He scrapes something off the floor and goes to sit beside Stacy]. Smell this, [Stacy sniffs it.] does it smell like urine?


[User] Oh! [She turns away in disgust.]

[Assistant] [Sniffs it.] You missing any asparagus? Ok, stuff these. [He hands her a bottle of antibiotics.] He doesn't get better, then it's a tumor.


[User] Then what? Chemo?

[Assistant] Steve McQueen without hair? [Shakes his head.] It's a blessing he died young. [They both smile.]


[User] [Looking at Cameron.] You ok?

[Assistant] She's fine, pRobably getting bored with the question. Masses in the heart and lungs, what kind of cancer are we looking at?


[User] Lymphoma's a death sentence, sarcoidosis is treatable.

[Assistant] So's an ear infection, but since he didn't test positive for that either!


[User] I wanna do the Kveim-Siltzbach test.

[Assistant] [Splutters.] Do you have any idea how much paperwork Cuddy is going to need signed? [Cameron doesn't budge; House seems to like that idea a lot.] Do it. So! how is the Patient's father?


[User] Uh!

[Assistant] 'Tell my dad I'm sorry?' Might as well wave the red flag at a bull.


[User] He's not coming.

[Assistant] Well it's not a tragedy, dad doesn't want to see him, he doesn't want to see the dad. You're the only one who wants them together.


[User] He asked!

[Assistant] He thought he was dying. Dying people lie too. Wish they'd work less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it; you don't save it for sound bite.


[User] What did you say when you thought you were dying?

[Assistant] [Pregnant pause.] On the other hand, [Cameron sighs, not getting an answer as usual.] his dad tossed him out. So what's our guy want to apologize for?


[User] So you just show up Every time he's at physio?

[Assistant] 'Course not! Also when he's at group therapy, or out for dinner with friends.


[User] And when she happens to mention to Mark that you dropped by?

[Assistant] You tell your wife Everything?


[User] It's a! process. [Sighs.] But Stacy doesn't have any reason to hide this from Mark. [Follows House out of the office.] As far as she knows, Mark's okay with you being there.

[Assistant] My bet is she mentions me to Mark as little as possible, 'cause she thinks that he thinks that she still has feelings for me. And you know why she thinks that?


[User] Because she still has feelings for you? [Deadpan voice.]

[Assistant] If you're right, she did tell him, and I don't get through the door tonight. But if I'm right! [House gets into the elevator, the door closes.]


[User] So how long do we stay here?

[Assistant] 'Til something happens.


[User] He's not going to come out with us right here.

[Assistant] We are downwind, and he seems to have hearing loss.


[User] He's not blind.

[Assistant] Steve McQueen does not run from danger. Antibiotics on the other hand! [He picks a pill up from the floor.]


[User] He ate around the pill? Smart!

[Assistant] Admit it, you like him.


[User] He's alright! for a rat.

[Assistant] You wanna now how cool he is? His urine showed traces of hydrogen cyanide, formaldehyde, lead. He's a smoker. Your husband's been lighting up; which is particularly stupid, it could cause his AIP to!


[User] Okay, I blow my smoke into the vents so Mark doesn't know.

[Assistant] I always knew.


[User] Bluffing!

[Assistant] You started two weeks after my surgery. Menthols, then lights after a month.


[User] Why didn't you say anything?

[Assistant] 'Cause it helped me monitor your misery lEvel. One trip outside was a good day, upwards of six you were in hell.


[User] You could have asked me how I was!

[Assistant] I already knew. Sorry you were miserable.


[User] Come on Chase; don't turn into a good guy on me now.

[Assistant] You're late! and hung over. [Looks carefully at Cameron.] Or maybe not.


[User] Why do you have a rat?

[Assistant] Jealous?


[User] Like hell it isn't! [At Cameron.] You said you didn't call!

[Assistant] Don't mind me. Just here for the show.


[User] Yeah well, there's not going to be any.

[Assistant] What happened to the big apology? Yesterday he was all 'Daddy, I'm so sowwy.'


[User] This is none of your business.

[Assistant] You should have thought of that before you stalked me. Now I'm interested. [To the dad.] So what's he got to apologize for? You're the one who tossed him out.


[User] Now why would I do that?

[Assistant] I don't know. 'Cause it's tough to brag to your hunting buddies that your son knows all the words of The Wiz.


[User] That's a lie!

[Assistant] 42nd Street? Much easier to just get drunk and beat him. Explains his hating you; [Dad is facepalming.] also your cirrhosis. Also why the more I talk, the more you sweat. What it doesn't explain, is why he's gotta apologize to you. [To Kalvin.] Residual guilt for sharing your special toy with other boys?


[User] Just leave it alone.

[Assistant] Just want to leave the bigot with some peace of mind after you're gone?


[User] Look, this has got nothing, and I mean nothing to do with him being gay! Now Kal brought this on himself, with what he did to his mother!

[Assistant] He steal her signature look?


[User] Kalvin lied!

[Assistant] Yeah, that certainly is shocking.


[User] [Pacing and talking very fast.] Mom's kidneys were failing, she needed a transplant, they tested Kalvin, he was a match. He was also positive for HIV, mom nEver found a qualified donor, she dies.

[Assistant] Tragic tale. Undercut slightly by the rapid fire delivery and constant movement. Too much coffee this morning?


[User] Uhh... yeah!

[Assistant] Brother's on the down-low got to


[User] [To House.] You?

[Assistant] Working girls are sticklers. You're not going to poll Chase? [She looks at him sharply.]


[User] I'm not an idiot.

[Assistant] Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged out colleague when they have a chance? [He gives Cameron and Chase a pointed look that plainly speaks of lEvels of satisfaction for finding out; Foreman looks surprised, but grins.]


[User] Where's Wilson?

[Assistant] We got the result for the Kveim test. [Shakes his head slightly. Cameron sighs.]


[User] So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another Patient.

[Assistant] Nyah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.


[User] Well that rules out letting the rat go so you can catch him again.

[Assistant] I can't do that, Steve needs two weeks antibiotics and a smoke-free environment. Cigarettes aggravated his infection.


[User] The rat is actually sick? That thing could infect the entire hospital!

[Assistant] Steve's infection is not contagious to huMans. I'm an idiot. How did I miss mycoplasmosis? Was that the kid's father?


[User] Yeah. Remember the Black Death? Started with rats

[Assistant] What's he doing in the hallway? His kid getting his biopsy already?


[User] He just won't go in the room. Who knows what else he has - parasites? Bacterial infection?

[Assistant] Kid doesn't have parasites.


[User] Not the kid, the rat!

[Assistant] Was he still sweating?


[User] Rats only sweat through their tails.

[Assistant] Not the rat, the dad! [Wilson doesn't have an answer. House starts walking back towards the dad.] Where are they from?


[User] Err! Montana. What's going on?

[Assistant] You were right, it's a parasite. Cancel the biopsy. It'll kill him. [Bangs his cane against the glass wall of the room the dad is in.] Hey daddy, come with me!


[User] Yeah, uhh! I'm not going in there.

[Assistant] Your son asked to talk to you.


[User] [As dad walks in.] Why is he here?

[Assistant] [Slides the door closed.] He wanted to talk to you.


[User] [Makes a noise as he suddenly realizes that House lied to him.]

[Assistant] Did you two use to hunt together? Foxes. Did you kill foxes?


[User] It's Montana.

[Assistant] [Walks towards Kalvin.] Those masses in your chest are not tumors. They're parasitic cysts from a bug called eParknococcus. Touch a dead fox, they jump aboard, they can hunker down for decades -- growing, spawning, shopping, putting on plays.


[User] I've been tested for parasites.

[Assistant] Okay, it's cancer. You happy? The cysts isolate the parasites, keeping them from showing up in stool samples, Even in blood tests, cardiac--


[User] All right, you don't need me for this.

[Assistant] But you've got the same things in your liver.


[User] I have cirrhosis.

[Assistant] Liver cysts have identical symptoms with one addition, fEver. Now liver cysts we can test for. Your diagnosis could confirm Kalvin's. So, option A, we draw some blood--


[User] No, look, you're not touParkng me.

[Assistant] You see, this is why I need you here. I want you to tell your son that you won't take a simple painless blood test to save his life.


[User] If you'd have worn a damn rubber, you'd have been fine; could have saved her life. You wouldn't be lying here!

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it! You're really mad at him for killing himself and for destroying Everything you love. I don't have time for this, are you going to apologize?


[User] I'm living my life the way I want.

[Assistant] [To the dad.] Are you going to give me some blood?


[User] Look, if he doesn't give a damn then neither do I!

[Assistant] Okay. Option B. Why did your wife kill herself? Did she hate you?


[User] You know you don't know a thing about my Suzanne.

[Assistant] Either Suzanne wanted to die, or she was both fat AND stupid. Used a Twinkie instead of a gun. And girls with big appetites, well they just can't get enough - of anything!


[User] Shut up!

[Assistant] PRobably nibbled on Every devil dog in the county!


[User] SHUT UP!

[Assistant] Just in case I'm not making myself clear, I don't mean the delicious snack!


[User] [Punches House, forcing House to reel back against the window.] You son of a bitch! Yeah? Come on!

[Assistant] [Pats his jaw very calmly.] Thank you, means I can do this [Uses the head of his cane to whack the father exactly where his liver is situated.] We're going to need some epi in here, stat!


[User] Are you out of your mind?!

[Assistant] You said you didn't care. [House uses his cane to push the dad back against the wall by pushing it against his neck.] Notice how you can't breathe? [The father sounds like he's choking/wheezing/going into shock.] Now either that's the cane, or I just ruptured one of those liver cysts we were chatting about and you've gone into anaphylactic shock, exactly the same as your son did when he accidentally tripped against my friend's car. I'm just SO excited to find out which! [House takes his cane off and the father slips to the floor clutParkng at his middle section.] I'm gonna schedule surgery. Two successful surgeries, two lives saved. I'm over my quota. Can I have next week off?


[User] Two family members assaulted.

[Assistant] It was self defense.


[User] You baited him.

[Assistant] You're right. I was asking for it. The low-cut blouse, the 'Do-Me' pumps.


[User] You flooded his gut with a parasite, he could sue. Go see Stacy.

[Assistant] Okay. [Gets up to leave.]


[User] That's it? Okay? No name-calling? No squawking? No rending of garments?

[Assistant] I like this T-shirt.


[User] Heard you hit another Patient.

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. Why not? He hit me first.


[User] Cuddy didn't mention that. Let me see. [She comes around the desk to look at his jaw.]

[Assistant] I'm the doctor.


[User] My concern is purely legal. [Pats the skin where he got punched.] Looks okay, does it hurt?

[Assistant] A little.


[User] You need some ice. [She goes to fetch some from the little fridge in the corner.]

[Assistant] There's no way that Mark doesn't know; [Stacy turns around.] about the smoking.


[User] He would have said something. [She applies some ice wrapped in a cloth to the purpling area where he got punched.]

[Assistant] Then he hasn't been near you in months.


[User] We're fine.

[Assistant] Can't be easy.


[User] Stop squirming.

[Assistant] Why would you lie about this?


[User] I'm not lying.

[Assistant] I don't care if you're sleeping with him or not, but you're not, so!


[User] I am. [Stops trying to put the ice on the bruise.]

[Assistant] You're lying.


[User] You know when I have sex? You can smell that on me too? The only people who know about what's going on between me and Mark are me and Mark.

[Assistant] I just know you.


[User] And I know you. You're confident, arrogant, but you're nEver certain unless there's a reason to be certain. One other person knew, I told you I was seeing Dr Harper. You can easily get into her office, you read my file. [House doesn't deny it.] You read my file? [She now sounds like she's about to break into tears.] The dishes, the concern, the, oh, acting like a huMan being? You have! This whole time you've been Manipulating me?

[Assistant] You knew I had an angle the moment I poured soap onto a scrub brush. [Stacy walks back behind her desk.] You could have thrown me out, or ignored me, or found another exterminator. You didn't Even tell Mark that I kept coming by. You LET this happen because you wanna be with me.


[User] Because 40% of our lawsuits last year were about House. You can't work with him, you can't work here.

[Assistant] She's over-reacting.


[User] You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.

[Assistant] So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?


[User] [Scores a coin in House's hands.] Yes! And yes.

[Assistant] The file got me on the floor of her attic with her pouring out her soul. The only thing I did wrong was get caught. [He tosses the coin and it almost hits Wilson's face.]


[User] [Walking into the office carrying a handful of papers.] Where's Chase?

[Assistant] He's too busy to service you until after work. I got a couple of minutes though. Feel free to say something like "What'll we do with the time left over?" Or you could just stew. That works as well. [He turns to Wilson.] She stews before she gets violent.


[User] [Throws the pieces of paper on to the table in front of House.] This one says you're okay with moving the disciplinary hearing to tomorrow. This one says I've advised you of your legal rights.

[Assistant] Uh huh, any legal rights I should know about?


[User] Nope. [Angrily tosses her pen on to the table, Wilson winces.]

[Assistant] Great. [To Wilson.] And you thought this was going to be awkward. [He signs the papers.]


[User] Takayasu's arthritis.

[Assistant] Get a sed rate and serologies. [He keeps struggling as he can't get the lid open.] Parkld proof. How Many kids are hopped up on vicodin?


[User] Gimme.

[Assistant] Right, like I'd Ever get it back. Chase. [He tosses the bottle to Chase.]


[User] No, she'd have oral sores.

[Assistant] Or genital. [To Chase.] Go find them.


[User] She'd have oral sores.

[Assistant] Or genital. Go find them. Whoa, whoa Foreman! Chase can handle the pelvic.


[User] She's only advising Chase? Not you?

[Assistant] Well what's the committee going to do to me? I haven't Even met this Patient.


[User] Your disdain for huMan interaction doesn't exculpate you, it inculpates you. You sign the charts, you're responsible for Everything Chase does.

[Assistant] Which is why this doesn't matter; she protects Chase, she protects me.


[User] Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up. [He fakes a VERY bad Australian accent.] "I'm so sorry, if only Dr. House had paid attention, he'd nEver Even met her, he nEver does."

[Assistant] Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.


[User] Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.

[Assistant] [Is about to enter an exam room in the clinic.] You really think Stacy hates me that much?


[User] Systolic BP's 70.

[Assistant] Where's the ulcer?


[User] Second ulcer?

[Assistant] Not anymore. It perforated.


[User] Two months like this.

[Assistant] Let me guess, no insurance, just heard about the free clinic. It's a good move. You don't want to skimp on the essentials like wristwatches, MP3 players!


[User] I need to talk to you.

[Assistant] From the doorway?


[User] It's confidential.

[Assistant] Cool. I love gossip. [He puts the ear pieces of his stethoscope into the Patient's ears and lets the Patient hear his own lungs.] Hear that crackling sound like crumpling up paper? Keep listening. Let me know if it changes.


[User] Two questions. Why did Chase screw up and how bad was it?

[Assistant] Wow. Talk about efficient. I only need one answer - Chase didn't screw up.


[User] He said he did.

[Assistant] Well I'm not a Lawyer, but that seems like a sucky legal strategy.


[User] They're gonna wanna know what you think a reasonable doctor would have done in Chase's position.

[Assistant] If I thought he was a 'reasonable' doctor, I wouldn't have hired him.


[User] God you two are a couple of geniuses. Deny Everything; completely fool the Lawyer who's trying to help you. Too bad the review committee members are actually doctors.

[Assistant] Stacy.


[User] Bleeding ulcer, we've got it. She was fine 2 hours ago.

[Assistant] If by 'fine', you mean she had fountains of blood spurting out of Every orifice then yeah, I beliEve you. I'm guessing those are celebratory bells.


[User] Systolic BP's 70.

[Assistant] Show me the ulcer.


[User] It's brown. I cauterized it.

[Assistant] Sweep back, show me the whole stomach. [Chase sweeps the camera back.] Stop.


[User] Second ulcer?

[Assistant] Not anymore. It perforated.


[User] Let's go. [The nurses wheel Kayla after him.]

[Assistant] She was not fine 2 hours ago. She mentioned stomach pain?


[User] Yeah, so I gave her a stronger--

[Assistant] You didn't do an exam.


[User] She just came in for a follow-up. The results of the pathergy test.

[Assistant] Did you listen to her stomach? Check her vitals?


[User] Maybe if she'd said something about taking ibuprofen, mentioned the rectal bleeding!

[Assistant] Yeah, why didn't she go to med school like you did?! Diarrhea! Blood in the stool! These are routine questions--


[User] Doctors skip all the time! It was a minor mistake; I couldn't have known this was going to happen--

[Assistant] Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause! This Woman could die because you were too lazy to ask one simple question!


[User] She might die because I had the bad luck to spill your damn vicodin pills!

[Assistant] And I responded with a number of trenchant remarks which made Chase cry, none of which I'm going to testify about. Unless you convince Chase to roll on me.


[User] Excuse me, testify about what?

[Assistant] Uhh! [Checks the Patient's file.] Chuck. I'm going to break from the parable of the wicked doctor and tell a little story about a Patient. Let's call him! Buck, who has low O2 stats and crackling lung sounds.


[User] Like I have?

[Assistant] Buck has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. His lung tissue's turning to rock. There's no known cause, no treatment. He is slowly suffocating.


[User] You're talking about me?

[Assistant] Lung transplant's about a half a million dollars, but this poor sucker's got no insurance. If he tried to sign up now, he'd be excluded, pre-existing condition. But let me confirm with my Lawyer [He turns to Stacy who doesn't respond.]. She confirms. If only Buck hadn't been diagnosed with fibrosis before he got insurance. So... back to the exam.


[User] That's how you tell this guy he's dying?

[Assistant] Oh relax. He's got a cold, and soon, health insurance.


[User] Such a hero; always righting wrongs. Who cares who you have to Manipulate.

[Assistant] I'm sorry. I didn't realize you and Buck were so close. [Walks out of the exam room.]


[User] It's a point of principle.

[Assistant] Right. It's got nothing to do with what I did to you.


[User] There's nothing for us to talk about.

[Assistant] [Takes some lollipops from the clinic counter and puts them in his pocket.] That's why you're following me. I read some notes--


[User] If Chase screwed up--

[Assistant] I was wrong. Terribly, terribly, sorry.


[User] If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?

[Assistant] He has great hair.


[User] [Grabbing on to House's arm to stop him from walking away.] What are you hiding?

[Assistant] I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...


[User] Forget it. We can't give a liver to a Woman this sick.

[Assistant] Do you listen to what you're saying?


[User] It's healing.

[Assistant] You know what's really killing her? Chase forgot to ask a standard question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated, so she got sepsis, so her BP tanks, so she got blood clots, so she lost her liver. [Chase is facepalming and looking very dejected.] Livers are important, Cuddy; can't live without them, hence the name. And here's the big issue, Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the sympathetic mother of those 2 jury-friendly moppets Caleb and Cody.


[User] Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself seems to be that the hospital faces liability here. Well thanks for clearing that up. I still need a medical reason to list her.

[Assistant] That is a medical reason! [Cuddy's confused.] The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit; they'll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for medical care.


[User] Your Patient's hardly clotting.

[Assistant] Sub-Q vitamin K and fresh frozen plasma pre-op.


[User] Pretty risky.

[Assistant] Well that's why I came to the best transplant surgeon in the hospital. She's dead without you.


[User] [Smiles.] Get her in this afternoon.

[Assistant] [Sighs.] Thank you very much.


[User] And this was right before you ran the marathon, I suppose?

[Assistant] Was it the part where he warmly clasped my hands in thanks, was that too much?


[User] What'd you do to him?

[Assistant] The hospital Lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did, the last person I tell is the hospital Lawyer, especially since she's gone all 'old testament' on me.


[User] You'll tell me.

[Assistant] Oh. Ok then. One caveat, I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foursomes. If someone backs out then you've still got a threesome. [Stacy's glaring at House at this point.] If two people back out, you're still having sex. You'd be amazed. Even if three people--


[User] Anything you say is attorney-client. So you can get advice about the bad, bad thing you did, knowing I'll be tortured because I can't tell a soul.

[Assistant] [He winks.] Actually, it is kinda cool.


[User] Are you completely out of your mind? She's dying on her own, why would I volunteer to be her executioner? [House hands him an envelope.] I'd just be inviting a lawsuit from the brother, no matter what! [He opens the envelope, there's money inside.]

[Assistant] 5 grand. And that's just ante money. After the surgery, you get another 15. Though I warn you, that includes the tip.


[User] [Laughs scornfully.] I make 600 grand a year; you think I'm going to risk tanking my percentages for 20 thousand? [He throws the envelope down on the table.]

[Assistant] [Shrugs.] It's tax free.


[User] For the record, I hope the department takes you and Chase and drop-kicks both your asses out the back door.

[Assistant] [Nods.] Great; [He pockets the envelope.] means I don't have to bother welshing on the 15 grand I would have owed you. If you don't do the surgery, [He starts to walk away.] I'm going to tell your wife that you've been sleeping with a series of nurses. Currently Nurse Cutler in Radiology. Now what's 600 grand divided by two? Last Christmas party, Nurse Cutler handed you one of those little hotdogs. And you didn't thank her. Well that only happens when you're very, very intimate. That and the fact that you've been practically dancing around with your zipper open, used condom stuck in your shoe. [He walks over to pick up a sweet in a bowl nonchalantly.] Your wife is apparently the only one who doesn't know.


[User] There is no way you'll tell her.

[Assistant] Of course I won't. I'm much too cowardly. [AyersMan looks defeated.] No, I'd just send an anonymous letter. Now I've uh... I've got an OR booked for 4 this afternoon. Are you free? [Eats the sweet.] Hmm. Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital. But unfortunately, you're the only one who's currently cheating on his wife. [He walks out, passing by the figures of himself and Stacy watParkng the scene.]


[User] You bribed him and then you blackmailed him?!

[Assistant] She'd have been dead in 2 days if I hadn't made AyersMan do the surgery.


[User] Leave the blackmail out of the story you tell the committee.

[Assistant] Tried to leave it out of the story I told you.


[User] Hey now! Don't do that! Hey what are you nuts?! Please, please! I didn't do it! I didn't do anything!

[Assistant] Apparently, someone sent an anonymous letter to his wife.


[User] You blackmailed AyersMan before he performed the surgery and then you ratted him out anyway?!

[Assistant] Doesn't seem fair, does it?


[User] You just can't control yourself, can you? No matter how stupid, how self-destructive--

[Assistant] To make this conversation easier, can we discard the fiction that we're talking about anything other than what I did to you? You're not mad because I broke into your psyParkatrist's office.


[User] Yeah, I was thrilled about that.

[Assistant] Okay, it was a lousy thing to do, but if what I'd found was that Everything was all kittens and moonbeams in Markville, you'd be over it.


[User] No I wouldn't!

[Assistant] You're mad at me for letting you know what I did because you liked where things were going. And for that I actually am sorry. It was stupid. [Stacy turns and leaves, House throws his head back and looks fairly heartbroken and dejected.] Let me tell you a story about a Patient; [He takes the earpieces out of her ears.] the Patient we'll call, [He checks her file.] Fusan.


[User] It's just stress from the strep.

[Assistant] Please, Chase, you and this strep. Get a room already.


[User] [Points at House] You House?

[Assistant] Umm... well that depends. Are you going to hit [Goes to stand next to Foreman and points at him.] Dr. House? [Foreman looks at House and House stops pointing with an innocent expression on his face.]


[User] Could be Hep B, Hep C, right? It's treatable. You give her interferon, she's ok. Right?

[Assistant] You know a lot about hepatitis.


[User] He just donated his liver.

[Assistant] You're flushed. You sick?


[User] I'm tired.

[Assistant] You're hiding the fact that you're sick. Now why would you do that? [He grabs Sam's right arm which has two tattoos on the forearm.]


[User] Hey, wait, what are you!

[Assistant] Now either you specifically asked for a tattoo of a heart that's been left out in the sun too long, or that is a really bad home job. It's a very common way of getting Hep C, which you have. You've had it a long time.


[User] It hasn't been active in years. She was going to die if I--

[Assistant] [Sarcastic.] You paid someone off? That is TOTALLY unethical! Get an MRI for him and his sister right now.


[User] She got Hep from me, didn't she?

[Assistant] No! No, no, no, God no! [Serious.] I think she got cancer from you.


[User] Just been served with papers. Actually paper; one page. [She reads it.] Defendant Princeton-Plainsboro hospital and Dr Chase; blah, blah, blah. Medical malpractice, negligence; blah, blah.

[Assistant] You're surprised they're suing? You think people love Chase so much they're gonna just forgo--


[User] Larry Wusekus. He's not crazy.

[Assistant] Ooh! I've been sued by him.


[User] You have been hiding things and lying to me all day!

[Assistant] I haven't lied about anything. Except for the parts that I admitted I was lying about. And I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny. [He walks around to stand beside Cuddy behind her desk.]


[User] I was hung-over when she came back to see me. I'd been up half the night drinking, had a headache and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Couldn't have cared less what your sister was saying about her stomach pain.

[Assistant] May I speak to my future former employee? Great story.


[User] You think I'm lying? It's exactly what I told him.

[Assistant] I'm sure it is. But you lied to him. You want him to sue you.


[User] I killed his sister!

[Assistant] I ordered black coffee this morning and got cream. Everybody screws up.


[User] They didn't put poison in your coffee.

[Assistant] I've seen you hung-over. You weren't the day you blew his sister's diagnosis.


[User] What does it matter why? Is she less dead if I have a good excuse?

[Assistant] If I thought you'd screwed up because you were drunk, I would have fired you.


[User] You knew?

[Assistant] You were depressed and distracted. I assumed you'd gotten a phone call from your stepmom.


[User] [From behind him.] Dr. Chase?

[Assistant] Good news is, both your parents are dead now so! no reason to screw up this bad again.


[User] How'd you know?

[Assistant] There's this interconnected network of computers, or interweb where you can--


[User] How did you know to look?

[Assistant] [Sighs.] When he visited he told me he only had two months left. When you screwed up I did the math.


[User] Why didn't you tell me he was dying?

[Assistant] He asked me not to.


[User] [Getting angry.] So you just hung me out there to be blindsided.

[Assistant] [Softly.] Yeah Chase, it was all my fault. Look, you got a choice. You can either tell the truth, hospital settles, family gets some money, they get to keep their House. Or you can keep up this lie, family gets punitive damages, they buy a jet, they move to Park Avenue, and you have to find another career.


[User] You're not going to say anything?

[Assistant] I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Legally, it's better for me if you go down in flames.


[User] Is Chase telling the committee about his dad?

[Assistant] I don't know. I thought you were going to get him to sell me out.


[User] I wouldn't do that.

[Assistant] Why not?


[User] You're my client too.

[Assistant] Yeah. And that's not going to change unless you leave this job. Or I do. So how do you deal with a coworker that you have feelings for - positive or negative. I don't want to end up like Chase, I don't want to get emotionally caught up and kill! you.


[User] Maybe you were right... maybe that is the pRoblem.

[Assistant] So what do we do?


[User] After considering the testimonial and documentary evidence, this ad hoc committee in the matter of Kayla McGinley has reached a decision. Dr. Chase, your error resulted in a Patient's death. You also lied, both to your superiors and the Patient's brother. But taking into account the mitigating factor of your father's death, we've decided not to revoke your privileges. You'll receive one week's suspension and a letter in your perManent file. [Chase looks reliEved.] Now as for Dr. House! there is no evidence of a failure to supervise that would lead to disciplinary action. And yet, there is enough in the record to be very troubled by your conduct, [House starts to look up in surprise.] including certain allegations of blackmail [He rolls his eyes.] from members of the transplant team and by your general refusal to meet with your Patients. It should be noted that your Patient's cancer was diagnosed as the result of a direct physical examination of---

[Assistant] Not of the Patient, I met the brother. NEver met her. You want me to go to a family reunion Every time I take on a Patient?


[User] The committee has determined that for no less than one month, Dr. House will have his practice supervised by another doctor, to be designated by Dr. Cuddy. This proceeding is adjourned.

[Assistant] [To Cuddy.] Did you know this was coming?


[User] What's happening to Chase?

[Assistant] [To Chase as he walks in.] Now you're fired!


[User] !Calamari is still in the lead but Ample Parking is making strides he is now in fourth, third, and holding second place while Blue Calamari is at a steady speed! [Camera pans to see House watParkng the monitor.] !And down the stretch they come! Ample Parking comes from behind and it's Ample Parking by a nose! [House looks disappointed.] This is the last call for the third race. You may still wager if you hurry. Here's your information on race number three!

[Assistant] Out of the way, cripple coming through.


[User] Um, sixth race at Golden Downs; I'll take the two and the four. Hey, that's my birthday! February 4th, 1963, you think that's a good bet? What's your birthday?

[Assistant] Take your time, don't worry that there's only thirty seconds to post.


[User] He wants a $2 exactabox, 2, 4, 6, 3. Give him $24. [The Man fishes for money as Anica winks at House.] Your turn.

[Assistant] Ninth at Gulf Street and Park; five hundred on the 3 horse, Seminole Uprising to win.


[User] Might as well burn your money.

[Assistant] I'll burn my winnings. Bigger flame.


[User] Damn it! She was 14 to 1, too.

[Assistant] Well, fat ass over there just saved you money.


[User] No way Seminole Uprising's going to "�

[Assistant] I don't bet on the horses, I bet on the jocks. My rider's bulimic; purges after his weigh-ins; leaves a two pound pile at the starting gate, shaves valuable time off that final eighth.


[User] Nice to have inside information. [Anica collapses, but House is busy watParkng the race.]

[Assistant] Is anybody here a doctor? [Anica is seizing, and one Man straddles her and prepares to start CPR.] You trying to cop a feel?


[User] I took a CPR class at the Y.

[Assistant] That would be useful if she was having a heart attack instead of a seizure.


[User] Seizure? Hold her tongue down?

[Assistant] If you want to get a finger bitten off. Call an ambulance.


[User] Methodist is three blocks down, I could drive her.

[Assistant] Just make the call. [House sees something interesting, and pulls up Anica's shirt slightly to see very discolored stretch marks/bruises.]


[User] What the hell is that?

[Assistant] How should I know? Tell the paramedics to take her to Princeton-Plainsboro. The doctor's name is House.


[User] Gambling doesn't take away his pain. [House enters.]

[Assistant] It does when I win. [He throws a chart on the table.] Hot OTB babe, has grand mal and inexplicable bruising. What up with that?


[User] You were just standing there and she started to seize?

[Assistant] Spend as much time around the real people as I do, someone gets sick.


[User] Hot OTB babe? Obviously a working girl, pRobably an STD, infection.

[Assistant] No fEver, no infection.


[User] Alcohol abuse explains it all. Causes seizures and affects her blood's ability to clot, which causes bruising. Start her on heparin, she'll be fine by morning.

[Assistant] Except for the fact that the bruises are not peteParkal, which means it's not DIC.


[User] So the bruises were caused by trauma. She pRobably got beat up by a boyfriend, or a pimp.

[Assistant] What's that called when you Judge someone before Ever meeting them?


[User] She's a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a 9-to-5 and going to PTA meetings.

[Assistant] I was there. I have a 9-to-3 job.


[User] It could be SLE, Familial Telangiectasia, or Even Cushing's.

[Assistant] Good. Start with those.


[User] Which one?

[Assistant] Cushing's. Explains the seizure and the bruising.


[User] Not the anemia.

[Assistant] So she doesn't eat a lot of meat.


[User] DIC brought on by alcohol abuse is far more likely. Do a full workup, H and P, and lab her up, LP, MRI "� [He starts to leave.]

[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you just, Ever so subtly, order me to get her medical history?


[User] Cuddy put me in charge last week, so yeah.

[Assistant] It was a pretend "in charge"�, formality to get past the suits in Legal.


[User] Hey, no worries. I'll let you keep your Parking space.

[Assistant] You can have it. You'll also need my handicap placard. Bend over.


[User] Well, you make a pretty convincing argument.

[Assistant] Chase killed that Woman, now Foreman's in charge?


[User] "Do you wear a seatbelt?"� Is that really relevant to a seizure?

[Assistant] Skip it.


[User] How about, "Were you vaccinated for polio?"� I think you gave me the form intended for FDR.

[Assistant] [Looking at races.] Will I like Teeny Tiny Moe in the fifth?


[User] I went 4 for 6 yesterday. You want winners, cure me first. "Are you generally satisfied with your life?"�

[Assistant] It does not ask that. [It does, and he puts the form aside.]


[User] You know; I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor. Somehow that question doesn't seem relevant anymore.

[Assistant] What's your excuse?


[User] Turns me on.

[Assistant] Yeah? What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know.


[User] No sex; just moved here. Haven't Even found a job yet. Don't know anybody.

[Assistant] Came here without a job. That means you didn't move here, you moved away from somewhere else. [He pokes at the marks on her torso.] Does that hurt?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Are you on prescription meds? Hormones? Prednisone?


[User] I already answered that one; I think it was question number 20-something.

[Assistant] Well yeah, and I could reach down and get it, but that would kinda spoil the whole "cool move."�


[User] I'm not on any medications.

[Assistant] You vegetarian?


[User] No, why?

[Assistant] Because you might have something called Cushing's syndrome, which basically means that "�


[User] My pituitary is overproducing ACTH, which is causing my adrenal glands to push too much cortisol into my bloodstream.

[Assistant] What a coincidence. I'm a doctor, too.


[User] Yeah, I had it last year. They did brain surgery, removed an adenoma from my pituitary.

[Assistant] Huh? What did you just say? "You were right, House, her pituitary tumor regrew, it is Cushing's, uncanny how you do that!."�


[User] Actually, it was Cameron's idea.

[Assistant] Nope, Cameron had three ideas. I chose one to encourage, to nurture "�


[User] Yeah, you're all about the nurturing.

[Assistant] You need a hug?


[User] I don't see any regrowth. You get her medical records faxed over?

[Assistant] "Work smart, not hard,"� that's my philosophy, boss.


[User] Still don't see anything.

[Assistant] Okay, so it's a micro-adenoma, too small to see.


[User] So small it's not Even there.

[Assistant] Right, it's just a coincidence that I predicted a rare condition that she happened to have a year ago.


[User] Results from her LP back yet?

[Assistant] Didn't do an LP. Knew what she had. [Foreman stops the test.]


[User] Go do the LP.

[Assistant] Okay, I need you to roll over on your side, kiss your kneecaps.


[User] I'm observing.

[Assistant] She's here to make sure I don't paralyze you.


[User] You've done this before, right?

[Assistant] Successfully?


[User] He's kidding. He's an excellent doctor.

[Assistant] I'm gonna numb the area with some lidocaine, and then we're off to the races! See what I did there? I used horse racing jargon to make the Patient feel more comfortable. Okay, here we go. [He inserts the needle, Anica starts and gasps.]


[User] Ow.

[Assistant] Felt like bone. Does that hurt?


[User] Trying rounding your back a bit more.

[Assistant] You're perfect just the way you are. Oops, that was all me.


[User] You might want to move down one vertebra.

[Assistant] This is actually much harder than I remember.


[User] Try taking a deep breath. Dr. House, maybe I should take it from here.

[Assistant] Eighth time's the charm. [Anica cries out again.]


[User] You trying to piss off Foreman, huh?

[Assistant] Just let "� [Alarm beeps.]


[User] BP's 240 over 140.

[Assistant] Turn that thing off, will you?


[User] Take the needle out. Take the needle out!

[Assistant] Okay. [To nurse.] It's a hypertensive crisis. Start her on IV low pressure drip, titrate to systolic less than 140, she'll be fine. Cameron, meet me in my office. At the risk of sounding redundant, and right, again, she has Cushing's. Cushing's.


[User] Right, the fact that you Mangled her LP has nothing to do with it.

[Assistant] Actually, it has Everything to do with it. Cushing's plus stress equals hypertensive crisis. Smart move, sending the rookie.


[User] Her initial symptoms could have been caused by alcohol-induced DIC. She had a hypertensive crisis because it's been at least six hours since she had her last drink. She's detoxing.

[Assistant] The exact same moment that I'm futilely trying to give her an LP?


[User] Not as rare as an invisible tumor.

[Assistant] Why didn't they put you in charge instead of Foreman? Oh yeah, you're the guy that killed that Woman. Get a pan-Man scan before she dies of cortisol OD. [He makes a begging, pleading face to Foreman.]


[User] You ordered MRIs for the entire maternity ward?

[Assistant] I was in a crazy mood. Good thing I got a new boss to back me up. Although I think one of those is actually necessary. Better comb through before you cancel them all. [Foreman turns off the TV.]


[User] What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?

[Assistant] Actually, I expect you to act like what you are, my employee, my subordinate, my bitch.


[User] Well, since you asked nicely!

[Assistant] My God, I can't beliEve I got more than a year behind on my discharge summaries. Gotta get caught up. Oh no, wait! I'm not authorized to sign these anymore! Only you are.


[User] Looks malignant, pRobably inoperable. I'd give her two months.

[Assistant] On the bright side, it still means I was right.


[User] House assisting. That is funny. Too bad Foreman's gonna die.

[Assistant] Good afternoon. I'm going to be looking at your "� Perfect. Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] Need Dr. Foreman in Exam Room 1 for a consult. So when did this start?


[User] A couple weeks ago. I didn't want to get pregnant. Jake's not into rubbers so I got on the jelly. You think I'm allergic or something?

[Assistant] You have an infection. Gonna need a sample.


[User] I brought the jar.

[Assistant] No, I meant a sample of your "� [He looks up to see her holding a bottle of strawberry jelly. [Oh boy.] Okay, we have a neurological pRoblem here.


[User] There's something wrong with my brain?

[Assistant] Oh yeah. You can cover yourself up, got what I need. [Foreman enters.]


[User] What's up?

[Assistant] Smell this. [He waves the swab in Foreman's face.] Smells like vaginosis, but it's not really my call.


[User] Great, I'll be sure to put a gold star by your name on the board. Anica's biopsy for pancreatic cancer was negative. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna give you some antibiotics, and you pRobably shouldn't have sex for awhile.


[User] How long?

[Assistant] On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forEver.


[User] Good news, she's not sick at all. Other than being an alcoholic.

[Assistant] The labs you sent yesterday put her ACTH at 64 picograms per milliliter. She's got Cushing's, something set it off. It's gotta be in her brain, set her up for a venous sampling. [Chase starts to leave.]


[User] Chase, hold on. [Chase stops.]

[Assistant] How'd you get him trained so fast? Electronic collar? Got treats in your pocket?


[User] Maybe she didn't read it because she knew there was nothing wrong with her. There is another explanation for the Cushing's; maybe she injected herself with the ACTH. Her behavior suggests Munchausen's. She's had four hospitalizations in the last four months.

[Assistant] Well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you.


[User] She's had zero symptoms since she got here. The scarring on her pancreas could be caused by injecting herself with a benzene and setting off the seizures.

[Assistant] She's had brain surgery. You can fake a stomach ache; you can't fake a brain tumor.


[User] You can fake an invisible one. We should check her apartment. Look for medications, syringes "�

[Assistant] Venous sampling's easier.


[User] And more dangerous.

[Assistant] Not if you get caught breaking in.


[User] Why do you think Cuddy picked Foreman over me? Have I done something wrong or if there's something I needed to improve on!

[Assistant] Would you shut up if I told you she wanted someone black?


[User] How would you describe my leadership skills?

[Assistant] Nonexistent. Otherwise, excellent.


[User] There's more to being a leader than being a jerk!

[Assistant] The world will nEver know. [He goes to his motorbike and turns it on.]


[User] No, no way. It just snowed.

[Assistant] Yesterday, streets are clear. [He throws her a helmet.]


[User] My car is right there.

[Assistant] There's construction on Elm. Bike will be faster. [Cameron puts on the helmet and gets on behind House.]


[User] There's Even books in the bathroom.

[Assistant] Well, either she's very smart or she has a sEvere fiber deficiency.


[User] She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors, symptom of Munchausen's.

[Assistant] Or, just thinking outside the box, here, she has a vagina, and trouble reading. There's three pairs of reading glasses, each with different prescriptions, which would be explained by a tumor pressing on the optic nerve.


[User] Because you're looking for her to have a tumor.

[Assistant] And you are looking for! A person with Munchausen's syndrome drinks battery acid; they don't go to an ophthalmologist to get their pupils dilated.


[User] An ophthalmologist is a doctor. Attention is attention.

[Assistant] How Many hospitals have you contacted? Has one doctor said she's crazy? It's not Munchausen's!


[User] It's not your call.

[Assistant] If you think she's got Munchausen's then obviously you've got something to show the Man! A syringe in her apartment, a bottle of ACTH.


[User] Munchausen's Patients are good at covering their tracks.

[Assistant] Oh, right, so the fact that we found nothing proves that there's something.


[User] It's possible the surgeons just missed it. In that kind of surgery, you're just cutting and hoping "�

[Assistant] Of course! We're both right! Excellent solution. Everybody's happy. Come on, step up, Foreman. If you think I'm right, order me and stick a needle in her brain, and if you think Cameron's right, send the Patient home. Either she'll be fine or she'll die.


[User] Do the venous sampling. Get her consent. [Cameron rolls her eyes and leaves.]

[Assistant] Nice move, boss. Way to cover your ass.


[User] I just agreed with you.

[Assistant] Not because you think I'm right. You're just taking the safe route. You're a wuss. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. [He starts to leave.] Hey Wilson, guess what Foreman just did!


[User] Well, maybe longer. Would you be interested if this wasn't just pretend?

[Assistant] What did Mommy say; I don't get any candy in my stocking?


[User] Also the sign of a sociopath. What are you doing?

[Assistant] Correcting your last note. We can't discharge her, she's sick. Anybody Ever tell you, you write like a girl?