[User] Turns out she and her husband met in AA, obviously she slipped. Good call.

[Assistant] It wasn't hard considering my other choice was your stupid psych theory. [he reaches for his vicodin] Which was not stupid. I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the "N" bomb if I have to.


[User] [pats House on the back] You're addicted to conflict.

[Assistant] Did they change the name?


[User] You could have handled this Patient without dragging Chase in but the fact that he didn't want in killed you. [House looks into Kara's room, she's on her side facing away from the glass wall doing something] Just like the fact that you can't get a rise out of me.

[Assistant] [notices the empty baby crib at the end of Kara's bed] Where's the baby? [he throws his cane away and quickly runs (as well as a crippled Man can at any rate) into Kara's room, Foreman hot on his heels] No breath sounds, crash cart and epi, stat! [he starts giving the baby mouth-to-mouth] I told you your psych theory wasn't stupid.


[User] She just happened to seize right in the middle of drowning her Parkld? Lucky break for the kid.

[Assistant] Hey, take it easy on Foreman. He's playing with one lobe tied behind his back.


[User] Postpartum psychosis makes her want to drown her kid, the internal conflict triggers a seizure.

[Assistant] You know what else might be a trigger? A physical illness. It's a wild idea, I know especially since she doesn't have any obviously physical symptoms like internal bleeding or excess calcium.


[User] I'll draw some blood, test for--

[Assistant] Ahhhh!! Jesus! You've done it again! Will you argue with me?! Drinkers don't eat right, explains the bleeding and the calcium, this might just be some crazy drunk and I'm telling you that she's about to die of myelogenous meningitis.


[User] We already tested for--

[Assistant] Exactly! It's an insane idea!


[User] Ok. What do you want me to do?

[Assistant] Have an original thought. In the meantime, stress her into having another seizure.


[User] We can't, she's on Haloperidol.

[Assistant] You also can't because it's dangerous and highly unethical, therefore, if you get caught, pretend you can't make coffee, mental defectives get tons of slack. [he sighs] Take her off the Haloperidol, hook her up to an EEG, flash some lights, make her pant, shoot her up with a placebo. When she starts twitParkng, if the maParkne twitches along its real. If not, call the cops because she's a psycho killer.


[User] Stop pushing him.

[Assistant] Stop protecting him.


[User] He needs it.

[Assistant] Not if he wants to get better.


[User] He might not be able to get better.

[Assistant] Well then I need a new neurologist.


[User] He got sick doing his job.

[Assistant] Well if he got killed doing his job I wouldn't keep him on the payroll. I don't care how guilty you feel, or how touched you are by his reborn spirit.


[User] I'm not touched.

[Assistant] Then you're guilt-ridden.


[User] I'm not guilt-ridden!

[Assistant] Then you're pathetic!


[User] Right now I'm annoyed! Keeping him up all night in a seizure lab is not the way to advance his recovery, it's too much!

[Assistant] You're right, should stick around, make sure he doesn't screw up.


[User] Oh, give it a rest.

[Assistant] How was dinner?


[User] Cuddy did not mention cancer.

[Assistant] She lost her nerve.


[User] It was a date.

[Assistant] What are you doing?


[User] PCR test.

[Assistant] You're doing it yourself, in the middle of the night? On a spoon. Cuddy's spoon?


[User] I'm checking her saliva for cancer markers.

[Assistant] Yeah. I do that after all my dates too. People think you're the nice one.


[User] Why are you so worried about Cuddy?

[Assistant] You go first. You desperately want this to be a date.


[User] Because the alternative is cancer.

[Assistant] Just admit that you like her. She's smart, funny, got a zesty bod. I think it's great you can look beyond the fact she's the devil.


[User] I stole her spoon, you stole her garbage.

[Assistant] She's my boss. She gets sick, the hospital might replace her, especially if she dies. I'd have to learn how to Manipulate someone new.


[User] Woah. I think I'm going to cry.

[Assistant] Find me when the results come in.


[User] Muscle rigidity, involuntary grasping and sucking motions, she's in an encephalopathic delirium.

[Assistant] Hmm... a genuine physiological illness that rules out a few things. Like what I wonder?


[User] Postpartum psychosis and conversion disorder.

[Assistant] Thing about being a good loser, you're still a loser.


[User] The delirium means her brain is shutting down, rEverting to its most instinctual functions.

[Assistant] Since it's progressing, we can assume it's progressive. Which means it won't be long before the brain closes shop altogether. Ideas?


[User] [hands the paddles back to her] Another amp of epi!

[Assistant] Chase shouldn't be wasting his time in the NICU.


[User] Could be Wernicke's.

[Assistant] No, treatment for Wernicke's is thiamine; we gave her that together with the vino.


[User] Delirium points to lithium, I know we didn't find any but--

[Assistant] She had to be smuggling it in to be getting sicker.


[User] The test could have been wrong.

[Assistant] Ideas are not soda cans, recycling sucks. Give me something new and shiny. Or go retro, take an old idea, shine it up, add a new symptom... encephalopathic delirium. Pellagra.


[User] She drinks. Alcoholics get pellagra. They eat lousy diets so no niacin.

[Assistant] He agrees with me, what a shock.


[User] Pellagra doesn't cause bloody vomit. She's still sick and getting worse.

[Assistant] So... what causes pellagra and crimson spew? [he bangs his cane on the glass wall in front of Chase, shocking him out of his mindless staring] Dead baby, while sad, not our pRoblem.


[User] I should have given him more polystyrene.

[Assistant] You killed him, if you don't get over it, you're going to kill momma too.


[User] You remove the drinking from the equation, internal bleeding, hypercalcemia, seizure and pellagra are all back in.

[Assistant] [looks at Chase who is still despondent] Chase, would you get your head out of the dead baby's butt and focus on the barely alive-- [he suddenly realises something] How much polystyrene did you give the kid?


[User] One gram. His potassium just kept rising.

[Assistant] I need your son.


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] Your wife's doctor. Your son may have had the same condition she does.


[User] My son didn't have a condition, she killed him.

[Assistant] If I biopsy her intestines, she'll bleed out. He obviously won't.


[User] You're not using my son's body to help her.

[Assistant] Ok. How about trading him for a beer? Or maybe you're more of a whiskey guy. You didn't have strep or stomach bug the morning you came in, you puked because you were hung over. If she was a recovering drunk and slipping most of the time, you'd be right.


[User] So I drink. You're acting like this is my fault.

[Assistant] People are going to feel sorry for you; they'll tell you that you can't anticipate the unthinkable well the fact is you can. It's just not all that pleasant.


[User] Look, you don't know anything about how--

[Assistant] I know that people don't get crazy enough to kill someone without first being crazy enough for someone to notice. How Many times did you go out for a drink because she was crying? How Many times did you stay at work because you couldn't listen to her telling you what a bad mother she is? You were reliEved. When she shut down. She just sat staring for hours at a time. She held the pillow over his head; you slept while she went nuts. Not exactly a draw but--


[User] What is wrong with you? What kind of a person says those things now?

[Assistant] Let me do the test. It'll be one less thing for you to feel crappy about. Got a dead baby for you to autopsy.


[User] Let Cameron do it.

[Assistant] Love working NICU? I can get you transferred.


[User] I told you, I just wanted to trust Patients.

[Assistant] You don't give a crap about Patients. [Chase looks fed up and is about to walk out of the room] Your paycheck. [he holds it up out of the pile on his desk] You've been double-dipping. Taking your vacation time here while drawing a salary in NICU. Strange - rich boy doing all that for some extra cash.


[User] [he tries to grab it from House but House pulls it out of his reach] I'm not rich.

[Assistant] But your dad was; now he's dead. If you're not rich that means that daddy cut you out. [he gives Chase the envelope]


[User] I'm not rich.

[Assistant] Don't let it change you. And do the test.


[User] How would a baby have flattened villi?

[Assistant] He was being treated with polystyrene.


[User] Polystyrene shouldn't--

[Assistant] It didn't. Question is what do they use in the NICU to bind it together?


[User] Wheat gluten.

[Assistant] It's great stuff. Unless your body can't tolerate it.


[User] The baby didn't have colic he had celiac disease?

[Assistant] Just like mom. Celiac can be triggered by all kinds of stress. Bills, Parkldbirth, drunk husband. Every time she had a bowl of pasta or a slice of bread a slosh of soya sauce, her small intestine became more damaged, [CGI of the small intestines and the villi] less able to absorb the vitamins and minerals in her bloodstream. Her body couldn't absorb enough niacin, caused the pellagra. Didn't absorb vitamin K, caused the bleeding. And celiac is why the baby's meds didn't work. His body just couldn't absorb them. Switch mom to IV nutrition, its gluten free, that'll spruce her villi right up.


[User] No, celiac causes nutritional deprivation. Our Patient has excess calcium.

[Assistant] [to Wilson] Tell them what causes excess calcium. With a Chaser of bloody vomit.


[User] Celiac Patients are susceptible to cancer of the stomach lining. She has MALT lymphoma.

[Assistant] Well, she's your Patient now. [he looks back at the sheet Wilson gave him with the results of Cuddy's PCR test] And it wasn't a date. You don't have cancer.


[User] You don't have dwarfism.

[Assistant] You have no proof of that. I on the other hand, have this. [he hands her the results sheet]


[User] You ran a PCR on me without my consent?

[Assistant] Hey, it's good news.


[User] Really? It's just hard to access because of this overwhelming sense of personal violation.

[Assistant] Deal with it on your own time. Bad news, oestrogen is too high.


[User] No matter how Many people you tell otherwise, I am and always have been a Woman. Oestrogen is normal.

[Assistant] Not this much, not for at least for another week. That's when you ovulate.


[User] You monitor my periods? Based on when I get bitchy or...?

[Assistant] Once a month, when you leave the kids cancer ward, your eyes glisten. About three days later, you break your ban on sugar and chow down a bucket of frozen yoghurt in the cafeteria, sprinkles included. Based on the last yoghurt sighting, you've got another week before you ovulate. You're on fertility meds. With red clover as an herbal booster. [Cuddy starts to look upset] And the dinner with Wilson was an audition. It's too bad he didn't land the gig. He would have had fun.


[User] I was considering a donation, not a party.

[Assistant] So... when's our "dinner"? [with accompanying hand gestures] Oh he's going to be so disappointed.


[User] I killed my son.

[Assistant] Is it my turn to say something obvious now? Oh I know, you were insane.


[User] I did it. I chose to do it.

[Assistant] Yeah, like diabetics choose to not produce insulin. Listen, someone got sick, someone died. Happens Every day. The only difference in this case is it wasn't the same someone.


[User] I could have stopped. I didn't have to listen to those voices.

[Assistant] Spoken like a true sane person. This is not your fault. You're healthy now... except for the cancer.


[User] Those voices felt as real to me as Michael's hand. Right here when he nursed. And... the smell of his hair...

[Assistant] You do not deserve to die.


[User] Maybe. I don't want to live.

[Assistant] She said no.


[User] So we get her declared unstable, appoint a medical proxy.

[Assistant] She was unstable, now she's sane. She's entitled to refuse treatment.


[User] We have to change her mind, you can't just walk away.

[Assistant] Fine, go on in there and tell her that Every day is a blessing! So you killed your baby, shake it off, think positive! At least you're alive. [he waits for a response] Hmm. Kinda hard to sell when you don't beliEve it huh? And you nEver beliEved it. You just wanted all that crap you went through to mean something, well it didn't mean anything, it nEver does. Welcome back.


[User] Why are you doing this to me? I was happy!

[Assistant] You were aspiring to be content.


[User] Don't give me a seMantic argument. I was content with the way things were! That's what happiness is!

[Assistant] Yeah, if we're all just satisfied with what we have, what a beautiful world it would be. We'd all slowly starve to death in our own filth, but at least we'd be happy. Listen, I need your self-worth to hang on this job. I need you kicking ass here to be all that lets you rise above being miserable, if waking up in the morning is enough, I don't need you.


[User] I can live with that.

[Assistant] No you can't. Not anymore.


[User] If you got treatment then maybe we could... [long silent pause] When you see Mikey... tell him his dad says he's sorry.

[Assistant] Hi.


[User] Bye.

[Assistant] Bye.


[User] Did you tell Cuddy that we tested her for cancer?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] And?

[Assistant] It wasn't a date. [Wilson narrows his eyes] Turned out she had some skin lesions, guess there was no genetic predisposition. [Wilson looks a little suspicious but lets it pass]


[User] Her heart looks fine. ER did a full cardiac workup. Tox screen's clean, blood work shows no infection "�

[Assistant] All on the top page. I'm a real good reader. Personal chart handoff means there's something else. I'm hoping it's not personal.


[User] The guy who brought the girl in says he knows you. I thought I'd met all your *friend*. I was also wondering if you could take a look at these, when you have a chance. [gives him an envelope] No hurry, it's just a couple of medical histories, one with a minor cancer concern "�

[Assistant] No pRoblem.


[User] G-Man! [He runs toward House as though he's going to hug him, but stops.] You thought I was going to do it, didn't you?

[Assistant] Do I know you?


[User] Come on, it's me, Crandall!

[Assistant] Doesn't ring a bell.


[User] Man, I can't beliEve you didn't "�

[Assistant] Unless you mean Dylan Crandall, the Man who'll beliEve anything. See, I just made you beliEve that I!.


[User] You haven't changed. Heard about your leg.

[Assistant] Yeah, pulled a hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off. So, who's the girl?


[User] Jesse Baker's granddaughter. You always said you'd give your right hand to play like him.

[Assistant] No, I said I'd give my right hand to have his left. Why is she with you?


[User] She lost her mom in Katrina, her home, Everything.

[Assistant] Wow.


[User] And I'm her father.

[Assistant] Hmmm! yeah. She looks just like you. [Best to point out now that Crandall is white and Leona is black.] Got the same 'fro.


[User] I wrote a book about Baker, hung out with him "� his daughter.

[Assistant] Yeah, that's how babies are made.


[User] I nEver knew, she nEver knew. Her mom lied for sixteen years.

[Assistant] That's unbelievable.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Seriously, I don't beliEve it.


[User] Her mom was pissed at me about my book; I trashed her and her dad. She wouldn't talk to me; obviously, she's not going to tell Leona that "�

[Assistant] You're a sucker. You always were.


[User] Does that mean you're not going to help her?

[Assistant] Why wouldn't I? She's not scamming me.


[User] Acute myocardial infarction?

[Assistant] ER said no. Retest.


[User] Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome?

[Assistant] ER said no. Retest, and read the damn file.


[User] Delta wave on the EKG looks like "�

[Assistant] It's all a 'no.' Everything about her heart is healthy.


[User] She's a Katrina victim!

[Assistant] It's better than Crandall. He's a Katrina victim victim.


[User] I don't think she was expecting your sympathy. I think her point was New Orleans was a third-world country: toxins, mold, sewage in the streets!

[Assistant] What if her heart is like my bike? Runs like crap when I'm by myself, but take it to the mechanic and it runs great?


[User] What are we going to do, keep her in a room on a cardiac monitor until she has another arrhythmia? That could be weeks, months! [While she says this, we see House clutParkng his leg.]

[Assistant] Relax, I happen to know she's going to have one right after lunch. We are golden.


[User] You can't induce an arrhythmia in someone whose heart gave out nearly 48 hours ago.

[Assistant] Sure you can, but it's kinda technical "� you stick all these cool little wires inside her somehow, and "�


[User] I mean you shouldn't.

[Assistant] Oh, right, because it would be much more ethical to let it happen in an uncontrolled setting. There's always a team of cardiologists sitting at the next table, this is Jersey! She's a minor, she's going to need consent.


[User] I'll go talk to him.

[Assistant] Oh, that's an excellent plan! You'll give him the form and tell him it's wrong and dangerous.


[User] I can handle a simple consent form.

[Assistant] Okay, I'll be Crandall. Dr. Cameron "�


[User] House, from what you say, this guy will trust us "�

[Assistant] Are you in this scene? Go.


[User] I'd like to talk to you about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona.

[Assistant] Like to do? Is this fun for you?


[User] He's not you! He's not going to mock me.

[Assistant] Stay in character! I'm so scared. Hold me.


[User] In order to figure out which circuit is misfiring, we need to map all the electrical activity in her heart.

[Assistant] Swear to me on the Bible you'd do this if it was your kid. Good-bye. It's a map of the electrical pathways of the heart. We send electricity to each, one at a time, until one fails.


[User] It sounds dangerous.

[Assistant] It's a risk I am prepared to take.


[User] If she's got an electrical pRoblem, couldn't more electricity blow her whole system?

[Assistant] Well, who's been watParkng Bill Nye the Science Guy? The test is perfectly safe. We do it Every day. [as Crandall prepares to sign] And you beliEve me.


[User] I shouldn't do the test?

[Assistant] It's crazy dangerous. Just sign the damn form. [hands Crandall a tissue]


[User] I'm not crying, I can handle this.

[Assistant] Blow your nose. I need DNA from somewhere.


[User] You're not running a paternity test.

[Assistant] She's going to stay around just long enough to get your bank account, your credit card numbers and then she's going to be off with her next daddy.


[User] What she's been through! why would you assume "�

[Assistant] Because of what she's been through.


[User] Because that's your default position, always has been!

[Assistant] Because she's still alive! Raised by a junkie, living off the streets, that tends to kick the sweetness out of you.


[User] Figured you'd have mellowed.

[Assistant] That's because you're an idiot.


[User] If I let you do the test, it means I don't trust her.

[Assistant] No, it means I don't trust her.


[User] Sinoatrial node is normal

[Assistant] Next! [Leona fidgets, and the monitors beep.]


[User] Stop the current.

[Assistant] Is she hallucinating?


[User] She's crashing. BP's plummeting.

[Assistant] Foreman, is she hallucinating?


[User] No, normal waves.

[Assistant] Then the AV node is not the bad pathway. All that was was a heart attack. Reset her so we can find the real pRoblem.


[User] Normal rhythm.

[Assistant] Chase, high right atrium, please.


[User] Her heart's fragile after that last attack. The chances of tachycardia "�

[Assistant] You have my permission to blame Foreman at any negligence trial.


[User] It's near the coronary sinus.

[Assistant] Freeze it. [Chase presses a button, and CG graphics show the catheter freezing the damaged heart muscle.


[User] EEG's back to normal. No hallucinations.

[Assistant] She'll be fine by breakfast. Interesting reading.


[User] Those are my top two choices for sperm donors. I wanted your medical opinion on genetics.

[Assistant] They're losers.


[User] Uh, medically, or "�

[Assistant] Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing. 613 has been practicing medicine for five minutes, calls himself a healer. Loves Mozart.


[User] I'm not going dancing with them, I'm looking for healthy sperm. He's got four living grandparents "�

[Assistant] Who they are, what they do, that doesn't matter?


[User] I'm leaning toward 613.

[Assistant] Oh, sure. Go with the Jewish number.


[User] 1284 has a cousin that tested positive for the BRCA gene "�

[Assistant] But his mother was negative, which means so's your baby.


[User] What about the "�

[Assistant] The Mediterranean-Dutch factor on the dad's side? It's not a pRoblem, because his dad's mother didn't carry the thalassemia gene. Bigger issue is the jerk composer genes. This Mozart lie "�


[User] People can't like classical music?

[Assistant] You're designing a kid, a loser kid! He's already getting pummeled at recess.


[User] Here, knock yourself out. Go find sperm that can beat up 613's kids. And thanks for your help.

[Assistant] Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just 'cause they haven't found the gene yet!


[User] If? The screaming, the floundering! it was a hallucination.

[Assistant] [poking his head in] What if it wasn't a hallucination?


[User] We covered "�

[Assistant] Not finished. What if it was an atypical seizure?


[User] His leg hurts. Walking takes his mind off of it. [House enters again.]

[Assistant] Flashback. All that wind and rain from the hurricane, post traumatic stress syndrome.


[User] Why are you so bent on her not having a hallucination?

[Assistant] If she did have a hallucination, then the heart pRoblem that we predicted, found, and fixed was just a gigantic coincidence. [He leaves again.]


[User] It's getting worse.

[Assistant] [yelling through the wall] What if the heart isn't a coincidence and isn't what caused the hallucination? An arrhythmia hurts. What if her hallucination was caused by pain? What if she has a disease that translates pain into a bizarre, physiological response, like a hallucination?


[User] She has an autoimmune disease. She needs a CRP, a rheumatoid factor, a "�

[Assistant] I can prove an autoimmune disease in five minutes. She needs a PET scan.


[User] You can't test for autoimmune in a PET scan "�

[Assistant] I'm proving that her hallucinations are a consistent response to pain, which proves that she has an autoimmune disease.


[User] How do you test someone's response to pain?

[Assistant] Easy. Hurt them. It's not going to hurt at all. We just need to make sure you don't move.


[User] I won't.

[Assistant] Okay, give me your arm. Let's check your muscle responses. Okay, turn it over, arm upward. Everything okay?


[User] Diagnostic test. Cerebral cortex responding normally, she's not hallucinating.

[Assistant] You know he's not your father, don't you?


[User] He's my dad. Mama told me.

[Assistant] I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you. [He sticks her again in the leg.]


[User] House, leave her alone!

[Assistant] Come on, we both know it's a hustle. Are the walls closing in?


[User] No, why are you doing this?

[Assistant] Spiders coming out of my nose?


[User] House, the test is over. Dorsolateral prefrontal cortex is fine.

[Assistant] Give me your hand.


[User] No!

[Assistant] Give me your hand! [He bends one of her fingers back.] Forget it, he's not the perfect mark because he was the perfect mark. Plenty of people got there before you. He's used up, tainted. Pumped dry. [Leona starts to scream, because she sees House's face melt away.]


[User] She's lost Everything, and you're breaking fingers. A new low.

[Assistant] Diagnostically, she needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win. What I didn't consider was the threshold to trigger the hallucinations, otherwise I would have done the fingerbending first instead of stabbing her twice. That was cruel.


[User] We don't Even know what autoimmune disease she has. Could be LAmbert-Eaton, could be [something].

[Assistant] Good point. Let's kill them all at once.


[User] The only way to do that is to replace her entire immune system.

[Assistant] Good point. Let's do that.


[User] Bone marrow transplant requires an exact match. Leona has no siblings.

[Assistant] Good point. She's all alone, poor thing, no one in the whole, wide world.


[User] If my daughter needs bone marrow, why are you looking at a bone marrow registry?

[Assistant] Because that's where they keep the bone marrow.


[User] I'm her father!

[Assistant] How does someone who beliEves absolutely Everything become a nonfiction writer?


[User] Test my bone marrow.

[Assistant] Here's how this is going to end: One day you'll be sitting at your computer writing one of your little music books, and your daughter will come home with a big, angry policeMan who will throw you in jail because, "Daddy touched my poozle."�


[User] Test me.

[Assistant] Happy to.


[User] Just my marrow "� I'm not authorizing a paternity test.

[Assistant] You're not afraid of the truth?


[User] I know the truth!

[Assistant] Easy lay feigns truth, and says she needs a bus ticket home to visit her sick grandma. You gave her a hundred bucks. She bought weed. I know, because I told her you'd go for the sick grandma story.


[User] If our friendship means anything to you "�

[Assistant] Come on, do you know me at all?


[User] You didn't tell me about the spiders!

[Assistant] Did you get a new couch?


[User] Do you think there might be some sort of toxin?

[Assistant] What color is it?


[User] Red.

[Assistant] Is that where you watch your cartoons after you take your bath?


[User] Mm hmm! [He wipes the kid's chest with a wet washcloth, which turns red.]

[Assistant] Fall asleep sometimes?


[User] [sneezes] Yes.

[Assistant] Bless you. [Cuddy enters.]


[User] Need you. Now.

[Assistant] Yes, mistress. I'll write you a prescription for one of these. Just wet and apply.


[User] You didn't tell anyone else what I'm doing?

[Assistant] Not a soul.


[User] Wilson? Cameron, maybe you mentioned it to her?

[Assistant] No, I'm a really good secret keeper. I nEver told anyone that Wilson wets his bed.


[User] Part of the protocol for in vitro fertilization is twice-daily injections of menotropins. I can't do it myself.

[Assistant] Turn around.


[User] No clEver comments about bending over?

[Assistant] Not unless you want me to.


[User] I'm just not used to House the professional. [House is transfixed by Cuddy's behind.]

[Assistant] I was just thinking about what your mother looked like, because your father obviously chose her for breeding purposes "�


[User] Shut up.

[Assistant] Natural selection sucks. We pick our mates based on breast size, cars they drive!. They did autopsies on married couples and found correlations in pancreas size. We're hardwired to pick for stupid reasons, you have the chance to pick for smart reasons.


[User] I think the GerMans had a similar theory about 60 years ago.

[Assistant] I'm not advocating wiping out entire races, I'm just saying you don't want to mate with the first plastic cup that buys you a drink. [All this time, he's wiping a patch with a alcohol swab.]


[User] I'm pretty sure you've got that.

[Assistant] MicRobes can be sneaky.


[User] Ow! Thanks.

[Assistant] Twice a day. This is going to be fun.


[User] I got it. [Radiation tech leaves.] So why were you friends with this guy?

[Assistant] We were 20 years old, he had a car. If he had been a Woman, I would have married him.


[User] Is he a match?

[Assistant] No. Lying girl lucked out and found one in the registry.


[User] Is he the dad?

[Assistant] I don't think so.


[User] You didn't run the test?

[Assistant] Said I wouldn't.


[User] Okay, so either you lied or he has pictures of you! being nice?

[Assistant] Stop the radiation. [House rushes in to find black sludge trickling out of Leona's mouth.]


[User] What the hell is that?

[Assistant] I have no idea.


[User] Lab results from the black ooze. You're not going to beliEve it.

[Assistant] She pooped out of her mouth.


[User] The sample contained stool and digested blood, how did you guess?

[Assistant] 'Cause it oozed; if it was in her stomach it would have sprayed, if it was in her lungs she would have coughed. This oozed, as in squeezed, as in rEverse peristalsis. Who's hungry, Mexican takeout?


[User] Liver failure. There'd be no proteins to clot the blood so it would clot the blood and mess up her intestines.

[Assistant] Means oops, we were wrong, because no autoimmune disease shuts down an organ in two hours. We need to do a liver biopsy, find out what the real pRoblem is. Hey, need to talk to you. The good news is she doesn't have an autoimmune condition, so she doesn't need a bone marrow transplant and we were able to stop the radiation in time. The bad news: she has potty mouth. Her liver is failing, she's made her digestive system go in rEverse. It's actually much worse than it sounds. We need to do a liver biopsy. I don't know what's going to happen when we stick a needle into her liver, but she could die right then and there.


[User] You need to tell me what to do.

[Assistant] No inside information on this one. But Crandall, three days ago you didn't Even know this girl. If she'd been hit by a bus you wouldn't lose a moment's sleep. There are people all over this hospital who are in just as much trouble and just as not related to you.


[User] You telling me I shouldn't care? Prep me to handle it, in case she dies?

[Assistant] It's brown, it's lumpy! I'm going to heave all over my desk.


[User] Parkcken mole. 21 herbs and spices. I find it very comforting, you defending a Man you haven't seen in years. To know my friend, no matter what, will always be my champion, my protector.

[Assistant] I'm not protecting him, I'm smacking her.


[User] The modesty of a true hero.

[Assistant] Push me and I'll let her die, just so you'll stop annoying me.


[User] Here's my theory: you're jealous. He's maturing, he's accepting responsibility, you're emotionally stuck at sEventeen.

[Assistant] He's Manufacturing responsibility, he's not maturing. He hasn't changed at all.


[User] So then, why do you care?

[Assistant] That black ooze we saw? That was a bowel movement. Out of her mouth.


[User] You're trying to end this conversation by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist. Half of my Patients have their skin sloughing off. Why are you so worried about this guy?

[Assistant] He was having a rough time with his girlfriend. He was in love, he was always in love. He wanted to marry her, but I thought she was flaky, sending mixed signals.


[User] So, you gave him advice and she dumped him.

[Assistant] No, I told him that I would talk to her.


[User] And you blew it?

[Assistant] Technically! [makes a rEversing hand gesture] I was doing him a favor, she was nuts! [Wilson leaves in disgust, leaving the food, which House eats. He turns on the music, but turns it off again. Epiphany time!]


[User] It's House. He says stop.

[Assistant] Check it out.


[User] Please tell me you didn't have us stop the biopsy to check out some tunes!

[Assistant] His left hand is very subtle, very deliCate.


[User] This girl is dying.

[Assistant] Be dying a lot faster if I let you do that obviously unnecessary biopsy. Now listen.


[User] My God! Grandpa was an angry drunk, if only we'd known!

[Assistant] Here's how to become a great artist. First, get miserable. Misery drives you to become a great artist, but the art does nothing for your misery, which drives you to drugs, which makes you a lousy artist, and this is not lousy.


[User] You're saying he didn't do drugs?

[Assistant] Not when he played this. Something was screwing with his personality.


[User] Yeah, drugs and alcohol don't do that.

[Assistant] And that note that he says is out of tune, it's not, which means that something is screwing with his aural perception, too. Now, what happens when you add all that to the liver disease, which he supposedly died of?


[User] Unless you can tell me Miles Davis couldn't play stoned "�

[Assistant] Played better when he wasn't. I think, I mean, no one knows for sure.


[User] I'll get Leona a TIBC and serum ferritin.

[Assistant] We can test this in three minutes. So, what is she, Foreman? Light-skinned black Parkck or dark-skinned white Parkck?


[User] It's too early to see jaundice from the liver.

[Assistant] True. This is a photograph of Leona when she was 13 years old. She's darker now.


[User] She's been living on the streets for eight months.

[Assistant] No tan line, so unless those streets she's been living on are indoor streets, I'm thinking she's got iron deposits in her melanin, both byproducts of hemochromatosis, just like Granddad used to make. SQUID exam to calculate the amount of iron in her blood. And treat her with deferoxamine, she'll be fine by lunch. 'Cause, you see, I was wrong before, about the breakfast!.


[User] I'm not going to get this job, am I?

[Assistant] It's a done deal. I knew it the moment I saw you. Interview's just a formality.


[User] House, what are you "�

[Assistant] Cuddy, this is Patrick Glidahan. Patrick's going to be the new intern rotating in my department.


[User] Sorry. I laugh when I'm nervous.

[Assistant] Bet you've been doing that your whole life, huh?


[User] Cancer, infectious disease, the big devils. I think that medicine has become too institutionalized. We need to send a message to our Patients that we're just like them. I mean, we're all people.

[Assistant] We're all people. I like that. She's all hard science, facts. I like to know a person's hopes and dreams. What kind of music do you like, Patrick?


[User] I'm late for a meeting.

[Assistant] You see, this is why the face-to-face interview is so important. You've got to know who you're getting in bed with.


[User] CT shows her lungs are Swiss cheese. Ventilator's helping, but at this point, her time is basically up.

[Assistant] We dEveloped a theory: hemochromatosis. Like good scientists we tested that theory, we proved that theory. We acted based on that proof and we treated her. As a result of which, she is on the verge of death. Is it just me, or have we discovered a flaw in the scientific method? Walk me through it, step-by-step. What is supposed to happen when you give someone deferoxamine?


[User] It's a chelating agent.

[Assistant] What does the chelating do?


[User] Removes excess iron from the liver.

[Assistant] How?


[User] Iron is heavy, it gets stuck. Deferoxamine is like a lubricant. It makes the iron slick so it can move around again.

[Assistant] Moves around where?


[User] It's supposed to be discharged through waste.

[Assistant] Her waste system is a little screwy right now, means the waste can't go where it wants to go. What if it went to the lungs?


[User] WhatEver's in the lungs likes iron, bound with it, started poking holes.

[Assistant] What likes iron?


[User] Fungus likes iron.

[Assistant] No objections to that one?


[User] If a fungus is doing all this, she's dead. There are 25 anti-fungals, if we don't know which "�

[Assistant] When in doubt, go broad.


[User] Most common is Aspergillus.

[Assistant] Continue to ventilate her lungs, get her on a voriconazole drip, hope she has Aspergillus.


[User] The process is confidential. You violated his privacy! How did you Even "�

[Assistant] I looked up 'loser' in the cryo bank. You wouldn't look within a hundred miles of that idiot, and yet you're willing to have his baby.


[User] I'm not looking for a date, I'm tired of looking for a "� ow! [House stabs her with the needle.]

[Assistant] Cotton ball? I don't care if you marry this guy, date this guy, go through his garbage, but you should know. Genes matter. Who you are matters. Find somebody you trust.


[User] Someone like you?

[Assistant] Someone you like.


[User] Listen, oh, sorry! [House is having his leg massaged, which from Wilson's angle looks like a different kind of service altogether.]

[Assistant] It's not what you think.


[User] Oh, Ingrid! Hi. Okay, you feel guilty about stealing the guy's girl, I get that, and I'm glad. It's a good thing. But you did the paternity test. And either the paternity test comes back negative and you shove it in the guy's face, or it comes back positive and you shut up and your leg starts hurting.

[Assistant] Or I nEver ran the test. [Cameron enters.] Not what you think!


[User] Leona's lung's collapsed. The treatment's not working, we've got the wrong fungus.

[Assistant] You can stop. She ruined it. Three rules for hunting fungus. Location, location, location.


[User] Crandall says she was living in the Parkldren's shelter in Ridgeland.

[Assistant] Okay, the one thing we know for sure is she was not living in the Parkldren's shelter in Ridgeland.


[User] Why would he lie about that?

[Assistant] He wouldn't, if he beliEved her story about the sweet little girl trying to do the right thing.


[User] We can't ask Leona where she was, she's intubated.

[Assistant] Don't try to talk, you've got a big medical thing in your mouth. Just blink if you understand. [Blink.] Fantastic. Blink if you lied to Crandall about Everything. You picked up a fungus somewhere. If you were living in the shelter like you told your new daddy I got nothing to go on, and you will die. So, did you lie to Crandall? You're a lousy con artist. First rule of the game is know your mark. Once you got Crandall to bite on the poppet thing you had him. You could have told him that you were servicing Al Qaeda's suicide bombers for crack, this guy would still let you pick out the colors in your new room. Did you lie to Crandall? [Blink. House puts a pen and paper in her hands.] Where were you? And the winner is! oh, you read it, I just get so nervous at these things.


[User] Recording studio.

[Assistant] She read the book. She knew how much Crandall hated that place, what went on there. She overplayed her hand.


[User] Recording studio doesn't help us, medically.

[Assistant] Recording studios. Why are these buildings different from all other buildings?


[User] Soundproofing. Absorbs sound, also absorbs moisture.

[Assistant] Where there's moisture, a lot of it, let's say, Katrina moist, there's "�


[User] Zygomycosis. Only occurs at the highest lEvels of mold.

[Assistant] Start her on an IV drip of Amphotericin B with colony stimulating factors. She'll be fine by! dinner.


[User] Thank you for the injections.

[Assistant] You're welcome. You came all the way up here just to tell me that?


[User] No. [She leaves.]

[Assistant] Pretty much normal. Liver function tests are good.


[User] Thanks, G-Man.

[Assistant] What makes you think you'd be a good father?


[User] I don't know. Feels right. It feels good.

[Assistant] Well, at least you've got a good reason.


[User] It feels good is a good enough reason. [Leona begins to choke.] What's happening?

[Assistant] She's choking, she can't breathe. Get him out of here, will you? Out! [grabs random instruments] Quick, the curtain! You're breathing on your own, choking's normal. I lied to him, I ran a paternity test. Your lie was a bad one. He is your dad. [to Crandall] We're Even.


[User] This episode was not big on giving names of secondary characters. All names used were found on the official Fox.com summary.]

[Assistant] He's got a temperature of 103.


[User] And why do we care?

[Assistant] Because we're huMan beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting.


[User] You took his history?!

[Assistant] Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.


[User] You asked him what book he's currently reading.

[Assistant] It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? "Bwuu."� Favorite dessert topping? [The Man, who will now be known as Vince, hesitates.] Trust me, you'll nEver know what fact may be the key to saving your life


[User] Whip cweam.

[Assistant] I asked him if he was sure. [Foreman packs up.] Where're you going?


[User] You're an ass.

[Assistant] I know. Where're you going?


[User] Which one of you is House?

[Assistant] Skinny brunette.


[User] No, that's Dr. Cameron.

[Assistant] I'm skinny. How do you know her name?


[User] I was a Patient of yours.

[Assistant] Oh, well, if you want to leave the chocolates downstairs "� [Jack pulls out a gun and shoots House in the side. Cameron gasps, and as House collapses against the whiteboard, the three teammates start to run toward him.]


[User] Stay! Stay away from him. Shocking, isn't it? Who'd want to hurt you? [Another shot is heard as the opening scene ends.]

[Assistant] You're pathetic. [Cameron puts down her book.] Judging by the growth, I'd say I've been unconscious for two days. You've been sitting there the whole time.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Judging by the oily buildup in your hair, I'd say you're lying.


[User] I was scared. Pardon me for caring.

[Assistant] Did I lose any organs?


[User] The bullet to your abdomen pierced your stomach, nicked the bowel, and lodged in the posterior rib. [She pours him some water.]

[Assistant] Well, I always say, if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital.


[User] The one in your neck "�

[Assistant] I don't remember that one.


[User] -- went right through, sEvered your jugular. The shooter turns out to be a guy who "�

[Assistant] Don't care.


[User] You don't care why a guy walked into a hospital and shot a doctor? Shot you?

[Assistant] I assume his reasoning was faulty. So what was it? Infection?


[User] The surgery went fine. You've had no post-op "�

[Assistant] Not me. Patient. Harpo.


[User] You just got shot, House. You should rest.

[Assistant] I got shot. Diagnostically boring. Big fat tongue, on the other hand, endlessly entertaining.


[User] We biopsied his tongue. [Shot of said biopsy.]

[Assistant] And it was negative. And the blood tests were negative.


[User] I didn't say we did blood tests.

[Assistant] You don't biopsy a tongue unless you have to biopsy a tongue and you don't have to biopsy a tongue unless you've already come up with nothing on a routine battery of tests which don't involve torturing the Patient. Any other symptoms beside the increased intracranial pressure? Any guesses on how I figured that one out?


[User] You knew the next step would be a lumbar puncture. A lumbar puncture would almost certainly give us a definitive answer. Since we don't have a definitive answer, we must not have done an LP, and the most common reason not to do an LP is increased intracranial pressure. [While Cameron is speaking, someone is wheeled into the spot next to House's bed (because in a hospital where Every Patient gets their own room, House certainly can't!). The Patient is Jack.] He was shot by Security trying to "� House. [House takes off the wires attaParkng him to the monitor.] Will you "� House!

[Assistant] I'm talking to Cuddy.


[User] Lie down, you've got to be in pain!

[Assistant] [as he's walking out with his IV] Not today, today I'm on morphine.


[User] [following him out] You're gonna rip your stitches out.

[Assistant] Check Harpo's trash.


[User] Forget about the Patient!

[Assistant] Come on, you're curious. Trash. You don't know what I'm talking about, but you know it's good.


[User] You can't just be walking around.

[Assistant] Well, then, stop me.


[User] You've lost blood "�

[Assistant] Physically, stop me.


[User] You could damage "�

[Assistant] You can't, because that would involve touParkng me and then things would get so sexually charged "� [Cameron physically stops him. Oh, how things are! sexually charged?] I'm twice your size, get your hands off me.


[User] Everything that lives, eats; Everything that eats, poops: that's why Every organ has a sanitation department, a lymph system. WhatEver's doing the damage is dumping its waste in there. That's what you meant by trash.

[Assistant] Biopsy the lymph node under the jaw.


[User] Sorry, I know it's crazy, but there's no other place. The ICU stands for intensive care, he needs intensive care, so do you.

[Assistant] He needs to be shot again.


[User] He is handcuffed to his bed, he is sedated, he is not gonna hurt you.

[Assistant] If your security was any good I wouldn't have been shot in the first place. [He fiddles with the morphine drip.]


[User] He is where he's supposed to be. Where you're supposed to be.

[Assistant] Who did my surgery?


[User] Gillick. Why, you're going to send him a fruit basket?

[Assistant] He screwed up.


[User] It's annoying enough dealing with your Vicodin habit. Quit upping your morphine.

[Assistant] I'm not. I'm reducing it.


[User] And you're not in pain?

[Assistant] I'm feeling better.


[User] Gillick is very good. Your recovery time "�

[Assistant] My stomach kills me, my neck is thRobbing, my leg feels better.


[User] That's amazing.

[Assistant] It's unbelievable. Since getting shot is not an FDA-approved treatment for anything, it means something must have gone wrong in the surgery.


[User] Yes. Terribly, tragically wrong. Enjoy the mistake.

[Assistant] He must have nicked something in my peripheral nervous system. If it's alleviating pain, who knows what else it's doing.


[User] Get back to the ICU before you rip out your stitches and I have to chain you to your bed.

[Assistant] Why did you try to kill me?


[User] I didn't.

[Assistant] Then the gun thing might have been a mistake.


[User] Are you sure you want to be doing this?

[Assistant] I'm fine, I think. Cameron, you got my records?


[User] They don't like to release Patients' operative notes.

[Assistant] And yet you're holding them. And whispering.


[User] He's sleeping.

[Assistant] Yeah. Killer needs his rest. Otherwise he's grumpy all day. [House bangs on Jack's bed with his cane.] Hey! Wake up! Watch me save a life!


[User] Almost for sure it's some sort of infection. We've got him on broad-spectrum antibiotics, but it's not Even slowing the thing down. Unless we find out what type of infection, we can't treat, and we can't figure out what type because we can't do an LP.

[Assistant] Do an LP. [to Jack] See what I did there? Couldn't have done that if you killed me.


[User] We would have done an LP two days ago if the risks hadn't so obviously outweighed the benefits. We just cut a hole in his throat. The equation has changed.

[Assistant] Couldn't have put it better myself. [They leave, and House is left to his notes.]


[User] You wanna hear a story?

[Assistant] I have a rule. People who shoot me forfeit the right to "�


[User] My wife was sick. None of the doctors could figure out why.

[Assistant] Oh, I know this story. She died, so you selected one of her doctors to kill because that would make Everything right again.


[User] No, she lived. You cured her.

[Assistant] I'm truly sorry I did that.


[User] In the course of investigating her illness, you convinced me that Everything was relevant. You needed the truth. I confessed to you that I had had an affair. But it turns out it had nothing to do with why she was sick. Genetic predisposition to brain aneurysms. You told her that. You also told her about my affair.

[Assistant] You caught crap. She left you. Now I've gotta pay because you couldn't keep your little Killer in you pants.


[User] She killed herself. [A long pause.]

[Assistant] What sort of hospital has glass walls?


[User] It's my husband.

[Assistant] Really?


[User] You thought I just liked watParkng people get needles poked in their back?

[Assistant] No, I just figured a co-worker or sister, not wife.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Don't worry, it's not insulting. At least, not to you. You're satisfied with that answer?


[User] You're Dr. House, aren't you?

[Assistant] You're not going to shoot me, are you?


[User] You treated a friend of mine. She told me you only talk to people if you have to, and then you insult them while showing off how insightful you are.

[Assistant] SEvens marry sEvens, nines marry nines, fours marry fours. Maybe there's some wiggle room if there's enough money or if somebody got pregnant. But you've got at least three points on your husband and your frock says he didn't do it for the money and your breasts say you haven't had any kids.


[User] So you figure my marriage is a mathematical error.

[Assistant] Numbers don't lie. We're having trouble finding out what infection your husband has. The most likely culprit is an STD.


[User] You want to know if I've had an affair with someone closer to my integer and I have to tell you the truth or my husband will die.

[Assistant] Is your friend single?


[User] What's going on? What are they doing?

[Assistant] I should go. [His hand is bloody, and there is blood on his Robe.] I seem to have torn my stitches. [He collapses on the floor.]


[User] You collapsed in the hall. Tore your stitches.

[Assistant] I remember. I was there.


[User] How's your gut? It's hurting?

[Assistant] You shoot the guy who sold her the gun?


[User] She locked herself in the garage and she started the car.

[Assistant] You shoot the guy who sold her the garage door opener? [Jack smirks.] You're an ass.


[User] Now that is a bold position to take given that I shot you.

[Assistant] The shooting just makes you an idiot. You're an ass because you're trying to wrap it in a flag like you did a good thing.


[User] You're an ass and a hypocrite. You don't beliEve in rules, you do whatEver you think is right! it's all I did. You were my role model.

[Assistant] Watch out, you're getting crumbs on the flag. I didn't commit to honor her, I didn't commit to nEver lie to her.


[User] Well, if you kept your mouth shut, she'd be alive and you wouldn't be shot.

[Assistant] If you kept your pistols in your pants "�


[User] It's my fault she's dead! I know it. But why can't you admit it's maybe just a little bit yours, too? That maybe it's not just medical mistakes that screw things up?

[Assistant] Here's how life works. You either get to ask for an apology, or you get to shoot people. Not both. Infections don't make your eyes pop out.


[User] We should get back. You're supposed to be chained to your bed.

[Assistant] Not done eating. Got to be some sort of bleeding disorder.


[User] This is really stupid.

[Assistant] Look, my stitches pop out again, I got three doctors to save me. Could be some sort of weakness in the lining of the ocular veins. [The team is silent.] Okay, I'll be you guys. [in an Australian accent] "No way, mate! Too much blood to just be a vein! No way hizzy! If it was an artery, he'd still be bleeding!"� [And now on to Cameron] "Actually, he'd be dead."�


[User] You think the surgeon would have noticed a giant growth while sticking the eyeball back in.

[Assistant] Tongue and eyes are sick. What about the nose? It's right in between, why isn't it sick?


[User] So it's not spreading, it's got a common source.

[Assistant] Which can only be what?


[User] The brain, except the CT was clean.

[Assistant] Check the brain's trash, see what it's hiding.


[User] The brain doesn't have a lymph system.

[Assistant] I know, all its garbage just gets caught in the snow fence by the side of the road.


[User] You're referring to the blood-brain barrier.

[Assistant] What else? Biopsy the barrier.


[User] Wouldn't it be safer to make a few eduCated guesses first? Try some relatively safe treatments?

[Assistant] Biopsy the barrier, first start him on mebendazole in case it's a worm.


[User] And azithromycin for STDs.

[Assistant] I really don't think the wife is the kind to be messing around. If I was married to her I certainly wouldn't "�


[User] Really, it's more helpful if you do the prescribed rehab yourself.

[Assistant] My body is fine. [He's looking over the operation notes again.] My mind, on the other hand "�


[User] Maybe she was a girlfriend. Maybe she was just trying to jerk you around.

[Assistant] Spoke to Every nurse on that floor, the Patient only had six visitors. Two females, no babes. His mother and his aunt.


[User] So they missed someone. They're not Security.

[Assistant] My posse nEver saw her or me talking on the other side of the glass.


[User] They were a little busy trying to save the guy's life.

[Assistant] There's only one possible conclusion. It was a hallucination. What does that look like to you, a .6? [He holds the chart up to Wilson.]


[User] Anesthesia? No, it's gotta be 6 smudge. Let's say you're right. It wouldn't be that uncommon after trauma, after that much blood loss.

[Assistant] My perceptions are compromised and my judgment is compromised. What if his wife told me that the Patient just got bit by a rabid Vietnamese leopard?


[User] So pull yourself off the case.

[Assistant] And the next case?


[User] You take two weeks. You recover.

[Assistant] And what if I don't? What if it wasn't the shooting?


[User] The guy who sees connections between Everything sees no connection between being shot and minor brain disruption?

[Assistant] What if it was the surgery?


[User] What if it was the fact that you tore out your stitches and lost two pints of blood?

[Assistant] Why did Gillick give me ketamine during my surgery?


[User] Working.

[Assistant] We need to talk.


[User] Get back to the ICU. Who uncuffed you?

[Assistant] Why would a surgeon administer ketamine?


[User] Who showed you your surgical file?

[Assistant] How do you know it's mine?


[User] Because your Patient hasn't had surgery and you don't care about anyone else.

[Assistant] My anesthesia was almost non-existent, and yet I wasn't awake. For some reason, someone decided to put me in a dissociative coma instead of just putting me out.


[User] There are plenty of reasons to use "�

[Assistant] Fine, I'll go beat the truth out of my surgeon. Gillick, right? [He stalks off. Cuddy notices that, while he is carrying his cane, he isn't using it to walk, and isn't Even limping much.]


[User] It worked! [House turns.] There's a clinic in GerMany, they've been treating chronic pain by inducing comas and letting the mind basically reboot itself. There's about a fifty percent chance your pain will come back, which, of course, means there's a fifty percent chance that it won't.

[Assistant] You had no right!


[User] To heal you?!

[Assistant] You messed with my brain!


[User] Why are you so upset? Are you experiencing any neurological symptoms? Dizziness, tremors, hallucinations?

[Assistant] No. It's a point of principle.


[User] No trash against the fence. Is your leg really better?

[Assistant] Don't worry, I'm sure something else is wrong.


[User] We did find blood.

[Assistant] On which side?


[User] The wrong side.

[Assistant] The first thing that makes sense.


[User] It could mess with his brain, it wouldn't cause fEver. [looking at Jack] He's been sleeping a lot lately.

[Assistant] You worried? I marked a change of meds on his chart. [and back to Vince] Foreign object, body wants to get rid of it, causes the fEver.


[User] In the brain lining, it is. Blood dyscrasia means cancer.

[Assistant] Find it.


[User] All the tests "�

[Assistant] Have been negative. What do you do if your trash cans are full? You use your neighbor's trash cans. Except it's still light outside, your neighbor will see you. So you go out the back way, into an alley and drop off your trash by their garage.


[User] We'll check the lymphatic system in the chest.

[Assistant] You got that from trash cans in the alley?


[User] The saliva glands in the tongue are connected to the lymphatic system in the lungs. It's the next lymphatic system over.

[Assistant] Yeah. Go get lung lymph. [The team leaves.]


[User] How did he know that?

[Assistant] I wouldn't have hired him if he wasn't smart.


[User] House, we need to talk to you.

[Assistant] How the hell did you know I was awake?


[User] Your nostrils flare when you sleep.

[Assistant] No they do not.


[User] Fine, I'm lying.

[Assistant] Test was negative.


[User] You knew?

[Assistant] Force of habit.


[User] Surgeons found no evidence of a burst artery.

[Assistant] The blood had to come from somewhere. You took a shower in it.


[User] Trauma?

[Assistant] You think someone snuck in here just to kick him in the jewels and poke out his eye and swell up his tongue? Keep riding, I've got a bet with my physio that I can do 100 clicks by Friday. What about blood from the kidneys? [They all stare at him.]


[User] Kidneys drain into the bladder which drains into the ureter, there's no way it would mess with the scrotum.

[Assistant] Yeah, basic huMan anatomy. Therefore, I think it's safe to assume that the pRoblem lies elsewhere. But given that this case doesn't make any kind of sense whatsoEver maybe we should Even question the basics.


[User] Maybe he's not huMan.

[Assistant] An anatomical defect would seem more likely, but let's not rule that one out.


[User] You may have been lucky. You don't catch testicular cancer early, it kills. PRobably eroded some vessel "�

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I know. Question is why I didn't think of it.


[User] Eyes popping out is a rather odd presentation.

[Assistant] Sac blowing up, on the other hand!


[User] If you could think of Everything yourself you wouldn't need a team to annoy.

[Assistant] I screwed up some basic anatomy and I'm misconnecting a testicular explosion with a testicular pRoblem. Think there's any way I would have done that before Cuddy messed with my brain?


[User] She was trying to help you and it worked.

[Assistant] Yeah, I can run like the wind, but I can't think. Seeing as how I'm too old to become a professional athlete, she screwed me over, big time. [They move to the hallway.]


[User] You don't want a healthy leg.

[Assistant] Oh, here we go.


[User] If you've got a good life, you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch, no reason to hate life.

[Assistant] Well, here's the flaw in your argument: if I enjoy hating life, I don't hate life, I enjoy it.


[User] I didn't say it was rational. [They stop walking.] HIV testing is ninety-nine percent accurate, which means there are some people who test positive, who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out Everything's okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness, or Even anger. They get depressed, not because they wanted to die, but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them 'them' isn't real.

[Assistant] I don't define myself by my leg.


[User] No, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to some way make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine Everything. You have dismissed anything physical, anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual.

[Assistant] Why are you protecting her?


[User] Because she's done nothing wrong?

[Assistant] You're completely comfortable with what she did to me?


[User] Yeah, I am. Yeah.

[Assistant] You agonize over moral choices. You aren't completely comfortable with anything until you've taken days to get your head around Every possible side. I've known what she did for six hours. How come you're acting like you've known for days? What do I have?!


[User] You're not sick "�

[Assistant] What do I have?!?


[User] You need to calm down "�

[Assistant] I have my brain. That's it!


[User] We were trying to help you!

[Assistant] Yeah, nobody tries to screw up, they just do!


[User] You were out of control, you were shooting morphine "�

[Assistant] I can make people better! And you decide to trade that for jogging shoes!


[User] If you're suffering from side effects then we can look at that and "�

[Assistant] You value the physical so much, let me put this in terms you understand! [He punches Wilson in the jaw.]


[User] You're unbelievable. Even when you're out of your mind with anger and fear, you still couch it in logical terms. Are you hallucinating?

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm hallucinating!


[User] No, I mean right now. [His voice starts to morph into Jack's.] Are you hallucinating?

[Assistant] How did you know I was "�


[User] You were yelling at me. You were calling me Wilson.

[Assistant] No.


[User] You're losing it, House.

[Assistant] I nEver called Wilson by his name.


[User] Oh, yeah, right. The hallucinator is going to tell the hallucinatee what happened.

[Assistant] You're not the hallucinatee, Wilson was the hallucinatee.


[User] You think maybe you're focusing on the wrong thing here?

[Assistant] Cuddy's office was the hallucinatee, the bathroom was the hallucinatee.


[User] Ah. Bathroom. It figures.

[Assistant] What figures?


[User] You wet your bed.

[Assistant] Damn it. [He tries to hide it as the team enters. They don't notice it at all.]


[User] Test was negative.

[Assistant] No.


[User] Efp and beta HGG say no testicular cancer.

[Assistant] So, let's recap. We've just ruled out Everything, which doesn't make sense, and the answer has to be something that does make sense. Do a cystoscopy, make sure he's huMan.


[User] Test was negative.

[Assistant] For him being huMan?


[User] Most likely scenario is some kind of bacterial prostatitis. [House looks up the stairs, walks up them.]

[Assistant] Hmm. Find out if his father hunched? [And down the stairs.] His father have trouble peeing? [And up, and down and up.] His father have sex with his own mother? The answer to any of these questions, if yes, assume you're right. If the answer's no, assume you're right, but biopsy some prostate lymphs just to make sure.


[User] He doesn't clearly have anything.

[Assistant] How did I get here?


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] I was in the ICU, and then I was coming down these stairs with you guys. What happened in between? I don't remember how I got here. I'm taking myself off my case.


[User] Your Patient's in critical care, he's had a fEver unabated for two "�

[Assistant] I think I'm losing my mind. I'm having blackouts.


[User] You said you weren't having any "�

[Assistant] I lied.


[User] If you are doing this to scare me, you made your point. Next time you get shot, I promise to only treat the bullet wounds.

[Assistant] I'm off the case. [as he turns to leave] Why did you jump up when I came in?


[User] I thought you were going to attack me again.

[Assistant] Again?


[User] Yeah, you were in my face. You were "�

[Assistant] No, I wasn't.


[User] You came in here with Wilson and "�

[Assistant] That was a hallucination "�


[User] No, you "�

[Assistant] -- which means this is a hallucination. How can I tell what's real and what's not? Everything looks the same, sounds the same, tastes the same.


[User] Seems like I'd be the last person you'd want to ask.

[Assistant] Why not? You're obviously not here. I'm obviously not here, which means this is a creation of my mind, which means I'm really just asking my mind.


[User] You're talking to yourself, there's a lot of unnecessary explanation.

[Assistant] Hey, I'm trying to work this out. That requires give and take, Even in my own mind.


[User] All right, what was the question?

[Assistant] How can I tell what's real?


[User] Does it matter?

[Assistant] That doesn't sound like something I'd ask.


[User] All right, your concern is that if you act in the real world based on information that's not real, the results are impossible to foresee.

[Assistant] With you so far.


[User] But information is incapable of harm in and of itself. Ideas are neither good nor bad, but merely as useful as what we do with it. Only actions can cause harm.

[Assistant] That sounds like me.


[User] So you do nothing, you refrain from taking any actions. Continue to throw out your ideas as you always would, but if they're based on faulty assumptions your team will point that out. They won't do anything that could hurt him.

[Assistant] So I trust my team.


[User] No structural abnormalities.

[Assistant] Something doesn't make sense. What does that mean? It's not rhetorical. I need your input on Everything I ask, no matter how obvious it might seem.


[User] It means you're wrong.

[Assistant] It means one of your assumptions is wrong, because if something doesn't make sense it can't be real. So what are our assumptions?


[User] We've already redone them, twice.

[Assistant] Let's go more basic.


[User] What's more basic than the test results?

[Assistant] Tests themselves. What does a biopsy consist of?


[User] You take a sample "�

[Assistant] Define sample.


[User] It's a small, representative piece of whatEver you think is the pRoblem.

[Assistant] You go down the shore, you fill a cup with water. It's got no fish in it. Does that mean no fish in the ocean?


[User] We can do another biopsy?

[Assistant] We can fill another cup of water, but we've gotta dive in. We've gotta see what's actually in there.


[User] Yeah, because he bled from where he wasn't supposed to bleed, causing parts of his body to blow up! Assuming that crazy assumption is correct, we operate on him, we'll kill him.

[Assistant] What if we could find a way of doing the surgery without giving him more than a papercut?


[User] A person will be controlling the "�

[Assistant] People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue into a guy with one guy, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft. If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all you care about is that something's done right, pick the guy with the metal head.


[User] No way.

[Assistant] No way no way. You've gotta see this thing in action before you say "no way."� Come on. [He helps Vince to sit up.]


[User] House, what are you doing?

[Assistant] Nothing. I'm not doing anything. Just throwing out ideas. I think you should put him in a wheelchair and take him down to the OR, but I may be out of my mind. Relax, Cameron. I'm not going to cut you. I just want to show what this puppy can do. I can make one millimeter incisions. You know how small that is? Small Even in metric. [to Vince] If I do something that doesn't make sense, Even to you, stop me. [He moves the tweezer hand down to stroke Cameron's cheek.] DeliCate, no? [He then lifts up the hem of her shirt and uses the air hand to blow air into her belly button. And then he cuts off a button on her blouse, peeling part of the shirt away to rEveal her bra.


[User] House.

[Assistant] Does that hurt. [Cameron shakes her head.] Seen enough?


[User] No.

[Assistant] That wasn't a question. You either do this, or you die.


[User] You've wasted your life.

[Assistant] Yeah. If only I'd dediCated my life to finding someone worthy to shoot.


[User] If I'd've killed you, would it have mattered?

[Assistant] Not to me. [House is searParkng for a pen to write on the board with.]


[User] You don't care whether you live or die?

[Assistant] I care because I live. I can't care if I'm dead. [He moves to the wall, dragging the bed with him because he's still chained to it.]


[User] I don't want to hear seMantics.

[Assistant] You anti-seMantic bastard.


[User] Would anybody care that the world lost that wit? [As Jack speaks, House writes on the glass board with a white marker.]

[Assistant] Working, here.


[User] That's all right, you don't have to say anything. Just let me soak into your subconscious. You think that the only truth that matters is the truth that can be measured. Good intentions don't count, what's in your heart doesn't count, caring doesn't count, that a Man's life can't be measured by how Many tears are shed when he dies. It's because you can't measure them. It's because you don't want to measure them. Doesn't mean it's not real.

[Assistant] [looking at his makeshift whiteboard] That does not make sense.


[User] And Even if I'm wrong, you're still miserable. Did you really think that your life's purpose was to sacrifice yourself and get nothing in return? No. [As Jack speaks, we see House in a car with the Woman he was speaking to earlier. The car is in a smoke-filled garage.] You beliEve there is no purpose to anything. Even the lives you save you dismiss. You turn the one decent thing in your life and you taint it, strip it of all meaning. You're miserable for nothing. I don't know why you'd want to live.

[Assistant] I'm sorry. I know what's wrong.


[User] House, get out of here! You're not sterile!

[Assistant] He'll be fine.


[User] Great. What's he got?

[Assistant] How come you guys have nEver tried to yank me off this case? I'm having hallucinations, blackouts.


[User] But you're always insane, and you're always right.

[Assistant] I'm almost always Eventually right. You have no way of knowing when 'Eventually' is. Every time I've had an epiphany on this one you guys were right on board. No challenges, nothing to explain. No offense, but either you guys are getting smarter or I'm getting dumber.


[User] We've worked with you long enough to know "�

[Assistant] I know the test results Even before you enter the room. We have identical knowledge. How is that possible?


[User] You're wrong.

[Assistant] Something doesn't make sense. One of your assumptions has to be wrong, because if something doesn't make sense then it can't be real. But what if the faulty assumption is that it's real?


[User] House, you're losing it.

[Assistant] I've lost it. [He starts to move his hand toward the Robot controls; Chase grabs it.] Why did you stop me?


[User] Because I think you're going to kill him.

[Assistant] You don't think that. You know it, because you're in my head. As long as the delusion makes sense my mind lets it go on. To make it not make sense I have to push it past the point where it can trick my mind. [He grabs the controls.]


[User] Hey, hey! This is a nightmare, you're gonna wake up. It's real, you're killing a Man!

[Assistant] It's also possible I may already be dead, but I don't beliEve in the afterlife.


[User] House, go back to your room. If this is a hallucination, it's a good one: you're pain free, you can walk "�

[Assistant] This is not real, therefore it's meaningless. I want meaning. [He stabs Vince in the bellybutton, and makes a deep incision up to about his stomach. Organs force their way out of his chest. He flatlines quickly. As the team looks on horrified, House walks toward Vince.] Oh, God. [Vince's hand falls down, and out drops a bullet. House picks it up and clutches it.] Goodbye.


[User] Once in the abdomen, once in the neck.

[Assistant] Hello.


[User] It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay.

[Assistant] You don't know that. Tell Cuddy I want ketamine.


[User] You ran here?

[Assistant] It's just... 8 miles.


[User] Why did you...? [Holding the bottle of water.]

[Assistant] Why does a dog lick its "� [He takes the water from her hand and starts to drink it. Yes he's just drinking her water.] workplace acceptable euphemism for testicles?


[User] Because he can.

[Assistant] What have you got for me boss?


[User] I thought you said you needed 8 weeks of rehab. You should have been back here�

[Assistant] [He puts down the water and picks up a file.] If I'd come back sooner, I'd only be able to run 6 miles. I nEver would have made it in. What have you got for me?


[User] You're completely pain free? The ketamine treatment can wear off.

[Assistant] It's been 2 months. It's not wearing off. What have you got for me? [He picks up one of the files and starts looking through it himself.]


[User] It can take as long as--

[Assistant] Why are we having this discussion? Want to hear me thank you again? Thank you Dr Cuddy. Not just for removing the bullet, but thank you for putting me in a ketamine-induced coma and changing my life. Happy? I am.


[User] Middle-aged Man: had hair transplant about 2 months ago--

[Assistant] Infection throwing clots, you're an idiot. [Cuddy throws a smile at Wilson.] Except you're not an idiot, [House looks at Wilson and then Cuddy.] and she's holding a file for a 26-yr-old female, what have you really got for me?


[User] Girl was doing an inverted yoga pose, neck snapped, paralyzed from the neck down except the x-rays show no evidence of spinal injury. And she's cute.

[Assistant] Oh, well played sir! [He grabs the file off Cuddy but continues to read the one in his hands.] What about Stephen Hawking trying to do the 500 butterfly?


[User] Forget it - brain cancer, brain surgery - there's nothing left to diagnose. I would take the other one.

[Assistant] Hmm... I'll take them both.


[User] You don't think he had brain cancer?

[Assistant] Of course he had brain cancer; Even oncologists don't screw up for 8 years.


[User] So if there's no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case?

[Assistant] Treatment can be interesting.


[User] Not to you.

[Assistant] I've changed.


[User] No, you haven't.

[Assistant] No, I haven't.


[User] Then why are you taking the case?

[Assistant] Guy tried to kill himself.


[User] The guy had cancer, he's a lump; he hasn't been able to touch his wife, speak to his kids.

[Assistant] He's been in that chair for 8 years, his muscles have atrophied. Maybe I can help him with the pain. Isn't that enough of a reason to want to help?


[User] Not for you.

[Assistant] I've changed.


[User] No you haven't.

[Assistant] Then why am I taking this case? [He suddenly sprints ahead of Wilson and runs off.] Let's start with the cute paraplegic.


[User] Healthy.

[Assistant] Quad with no broken neck, struck me as odd.


[User] Uhh... you could take a whole 2 minutes to ease into being back.

[Assistant] Taken a whole month to ease back, 8 weeks is the maximum rehab time for a gunshot wound to the stomach and neck. So, go. [He takes a drink from the fridge and starts drinking.]


[User] We heard they nEver found the guy. There's no new leads?

[Assistant] What? You think he might have shot this Patient too? Would explain her symptoms!


[User] Could be MS.

[Assistant] See? It's not so difficult. It's not MS. She had no symptoms before she climbed on to her head. Unless she's been upside-down for the last 10 years, MS ain't it.


[User] The leg looks fine. You totally pain free?

[Assistant] When did this turn into 'what did you do over your summer vacation'?


[User] I asked Cuddy to replace the carpet.

[Assistant] No, I like the carpet. What did you do over the summer?


[User] [Enthusiastically.] I--

[Assistant] Re-do the tests. [He walks away from her.] Let's see if the source of the pRoblem is in the limbs or the spine. Do an EMG. [The Ducklings prepare to walk out.] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Got a whole other quad to cover; this guy's still got fluid in his lungs.


[User] You don't think that's from the pool he drank?

[Assistant] Give him an O2 mask. His leg muscles have atrophied, tendons have shortened from disuse causing intense pain. Tendon surgery will make him more comfortable.


[User] Comfortable? [Raised eyebrows from the Ducklings.]

[Assistant] Scoot.


[User] Thanks for being here.

[Assistant] Not a pRoblem.


[User] My dad wouldn't kill himself.

[Assistant] You haven't spoken to him in over 6 years.


[User] He wouldn't kill himself.

[Assistant] Fine. I'm wrong. You obviously have a better understanding of this Man who drools in front of your TV set 24 hours a day.


[User] Look, he must have been confused. It must have been an accident.

[Assistant] Hope it was a suicide attempt. If he was trying to kill himself then he knows how miserable his life is, means there's still something there to kill; means your dad's still there.


[User] We were doing the EMG but we nEver got past the insertion of the conduction pin. Did she just say thank you?

[Assistant] I loaned her some money. What went wrong?


[User] Nothing went wrong.

[Assistant] Nothing went wrong then something went right.


[User] You're not going to tell me why she thanked you?

[Assistant] You're not going to tell me what went right?


[User] You did something for which she is grateful and you're... embarrassed?

[Assistant] For you. Saw you coming up, thought you were a 14-yr-old boy, I set her straight.


[User] I'm not telling you what went wrong - or right, until you tell me why she said thank you. [She stands with hands on hips.]

[Assistant] Ohhh, you got me. You know I need to know, I'm so going to fold. Except you're forgetting, there's one thing I can do now. [He casts a curious glance at something behind her, she turns to look and he quickly runs off, she laughs and follows.]


[User] It's either that or a reflex response.

[Assistant] What happened?


[User] Ok, this is Dr. House. House, this is Caren--

[Assistant] Pleasure's all mine, what happened?


[User] When we inserted the conduction pin, she flinched.

[Assistant] [To Cameron as she walks in.] She flinched! Did you hear?


[User] Does that mean I'm getting better?

[Assistant] How big is a flinch? Bigger than a twitch? Smaller than a spasm? [Chase inserts the pin again so House can see the flinch.] You smoke?


[User] Socially, a lot.

[Assistant] You do yoga and you smoke?


[User] I know it's hypocritical but--

[Assistant] Not at all, the world sees your legs, no one's checking out your lungs. [He goes and checks out Caren's handbag.]


[User] How would smoking cause--

[Assistant] It wouldn't, just needed a lighter. [He takes one out, goes to the bottom of Caren's bed, holds a foot in his hand and turns on the flames right under it. She screams and jerks her leg away and he stops.]


[User] My god!

[Assistant] [Gives the puppy dog eyes.] The case was looking so promising.


[User] Hey, I'm not faking.

[Assistant] You moved, therefore you can move. Get this lunatic out of here before she bores again.


[User] I heard you were watParkng surgery with a Patient's family. Talking to a Patient's family. It's because of your hallucination, isn't it? After you were shot? You chose life; you decided you wanted meaning, so you took a case with no mystery. Something any doctor could do. A case with no upside except the satisfaction of helping another huMan being.

[Assistant] She thanked me.


[User] And... you felt nothing.

[Assistant] Wasn't Even sure what I was supposed to feel.


[User] Sorry, need you, again.

[Assistant] Told you to get rid of her.


[User] It's a good thing we didn't. Tightness in her chest, she can't breathe, it could be pleural effusion.

[Assistant] Right. Either that or she's holding her breath like a 4-yr-old. Relax. I'm not going to burn you again. I'm going to STAB YOU! [He brings out the needle suddenly, trying to scare her. Caren continues gasping for breath.] Look, either you're faking, or you've got a pleural effusion - that's a build-up of fluid around the lungs which is very serious - and I would have no choice but to stab you in the back with this needle and suck all the fluid out of you. [Caren looks terrified, but continues gasping for breath.] So--


[User] We should give her a local.

[Assistant] That would defeat the point of me being nasty. [He stands next to her with the needle.] Ready? [He raises his arm and pretends to strike until he notices a distended jugular vein on her neck.] Down.


[User] But she can't breathe if she's down.

[Assistant] Down!


[User] She can't breathe--

[Assistant] Down! Down, down, down! Come on! [He pushes her to lie flat on her back again before he spears the needle straight into her chest to the surprise of the Ducklings, and starts drawing out blood. Caren's breathing becomes easier.]


[User] PRoblem's in her heart.

[Assistant] Can't fake that.


[User] Or vasculitis would also explain the effusion.

[Assistant] But not the paralysis. Let's assume that she wasn't faking it.


[User] She moved, therefore she could move. She wasn't paralyzed.

[Assistant] Ehh... doesn't mean she was faking, could have been a delusion. Now, either she was faking, and coincidentally got a real cardiac pRoblem at the exact same time, or it's a delusion and the fake paralysis is a real neurological symptom.


[User] And she's been scanned up and down, it's all clean.

[Assistant] So, open her up, and find it. [He bounces the ball he normally plays with on Chase's head - to Chase's annoyance.]


[User] So what do you want us to do? Start at her neck and just keep cutting down her spine until we stumble on something?

[Assistant] That should work. [He tosses the ball back to Chase before walking out the door.] His heart rate's a little high.


[User] Should I be worried?

[Assistant] PRobably just means he's still in discomfort from the surgery. I'm going to up his morphine a little.


[User] You've been so nice to us.

[Assistant] That's the job.


[User] No, I mean all the other doctors, all they did was obsess on the... the cancer, the treatment, the damage... just trying to fix him. You're the first doctor that's Ever given a damn about the quality of his life.

[Assistant] His heart rate's come down, the morphine worked I was right.


[User] What a touParkng moment. That's why we become doctors. For those rare moments when our hearts are warm--

[Assistant] Would you like to get a drink?


[User] Are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?

[Assistant] No, I'm serious. I drink, you drink. We could do it at the same time, same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. I mean, if the answer's no that's cool but... [He waits for her response as they stop in front of the elevators.]


[User] No, I... it's just... you're just coming off the surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and Even though last year's... [Frustrated sigh as House starts smiling smugly.] you're smiling! I'm saying no and you're smiling!

[Assistant] Oh, don't take it personally. Its just coz you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did, when I couldn't walk and I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy, there's nothing in it for you.


[User] You've been back at work 24 hours and you're already playing hide and seek in a Woman's spine.

[Assistant] Who won the pool?


[User] There's no tumor. Her platelets are normal, scans--

[Assistant] What's the worst that can happen? I paralyze her. She won't Even notice.


[User] Her Lawyers might. You're not doing the surgery. And lower the morphine on your other Patient.

[Assistant] [Sits down in the chair opposite Cuddy.] Fine, I'll lower it. If you'll let me do the surgery.


[User] What? You want a trade? We're not swapping a couple of goats for your help putting up a barn.

[Assistant] You want something, I want something. We compromise. It's the grown-up way to resolve our differences.


[User] You tried to swap?

[Assistant] Ran a few more tests, came back negative, surgery's on. [The next grape he throws does land on the cleaner's head. House quickly and guiltily shuffles back out of view from below, leaving Wilson standing there alone. Wilson does an apologetic hand gesture and turns back to face House.]


[User] You really don't give a crap, do you?

[Assistant] Does that make me evil?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] The girl's life is at stake, what we're talking about with the guy--


[User] What we're talking about is the reason you took the case; to help someone.

[Assistant] Too bad for them.


[User] The fifth lEvel of happiness involves creation. Changing lives.

[Assistant] Sixth lEvel is heroin; sEventh lEvel is you going away.


[User] House, you're not--

[Assistant] I'm not an idiot. [To nurse.] Move.


[User] House, leave her alone.

[Assistant] Close her up, you wanna know why?


[User] The room's no longer sterile.

[Assistant] True, it's not the most interesting reason. [He shows the Surgeon Caren's big toe which is has a very ugly cracking yellow nail, and the area around the nail looks bruised and bleeding.] That is not a sexy big toe. You'd nEver put that in your mouth.


[User] What the hell has that got to do with--

[Assistant] Told you it was interesting; it gets Even better.


[User] The uh... nurse changed his morphine, I thought you were worried about--

[Assistant] It's just post-op discomfort. He's ready to go home.


[User] So he won't have any pain?

[Assistant] Eventually.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] Everything else will be the same.


[User] Well, you took away his pain and that, that changes a lot.

[Assistant] Why don't you put him in some sort of... facility? Some place without a pool.


[User] Yeah. I could dump him there, except he's my husband. He's my son's father.

[Assistant] Right. Kids need a dad; someone to play catch with. Talk about girls.


[User] Mark's learned that you don't have to abandon someone just because--

[Assistant] Get a dog.


[User] I'm taking care of him for the same reason you helped us.

[Assistant] Some guy shot you and you hallucinated?


[User] I have a responsibility.

[Assistant] So he's just an anchor weighing you and your family down, sapping your energy, wasting your life - that's the meaning you take from this?


[User] I want to take care of him.

[Assistant] You enjoy this?


[User] I can't abandon him.

[Assistant] So you don't want to take care of him. Taking care of him doesn't fulfill you, make you happy. But not taking care of him would make you miserable.


[User] I don't need your help, I've done this a million times.

[Assistant] Here, let me... Do that again, make that sound.


[User] What was that?

[Assistant] That... was talking. You guys are lousy doctors. You're in such a rush to make the Patient feel better you forgot to check what was wrong.


[User] Yoga girl walked out of here 2 hours ago, you fixed her.

[Assistant] Not her, the other guy.


[User] He had brain cancer; they removed it 8 years ago. His condition's been the same Ever since.

[Assistant] Until last night, he spoke.


[User] What'd he say?

[Assistant] Guhhhhhhh.


[User] You want us to dissect 8 years of medical history with grunting in the differential?

[Assistant] Sounds good. Call me when you're done.


[User] You're fabricating a mystery because you're bored.

[Assistant] I am not bored. [He attempts to do a trick where he pushes the skateboard down from the stone bench to the ground, while attempting to stay on it. He falls off.] Damn it.


[User] You didn't tell the wife it was only a grunt?

[Assistant] Of course not, because then she would nEver have consented to a bunch of dangerous tests. I don't remember you being this bitchy.


[User] The Vicodin dulled it, in the sober light of day I'm a buzz kill. You're giving false hope to a family that's been wrecked. Don't torture them, let it go, tell the wife it was only a grunt, tell her to go home.

[Assistant] Can't let her down like that, pumped her up with too much false hope. [He attempts the trick again and this time, he sticks on the skateboard.] Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I? [Wilson's only reaction is to look resigned.]


[User] In 8 years the Patient experienced 214 symptoms, Many of them repeating.

[Assistant] Any patterns?


[User] If you add pain into the mix, fEver, frequent urination could indiCate a kidney pRoblem.

[Assistant] I like it.


[User] No, creatinine and BUN were both normal.

[Assistant] Not the kidney part, the pain part. Abdominal pain plus all that stuff could equal a pancreatic cyst.


[User] Perfect, you Managed to pick the one symptom he nEver had. Abdominal pain.

[Assistant] It's the first symptom on the board. Grunt.


[User] Grunting isn't pathognomonic for abdominal pain.

[Assistant] No, traditional diagnostic marker is compression of the diaphragm, vibration of the larynx leading to the audible sound 'I have a pain in my abdomen'.


[User] Richard's symptoms are culled from 8 years of medical history. They're not patterned. These are random individual Events over time.

[Assistant] Illnesses have incubation periods. Do an upper endoscopic ultrasound.


[User] His throat will collapse, muscle degeneration in his neck won't tolerate the scope, it's an automatic trach!

[Assistant] You're talking about him like he's an invalid.


[User] Yeah, we're insensitive.

[Assistant] Does he drool? Can he hold his neck straight? Does he choke on his food? His neck's fine, his throat's not going to collapse. Cameron, get consent from the wife.


[User] We trached him, endoscopically removed the pRobe and he's breathing again. So, all in all, great idea.

[Assistant] Get a look at the pancreas before the world ended?


[User] Which means barring anything else, meaning you, he can go home tomorrow.

[Assistant] This Man nearly died. How can you discharge him?


[User] You stick something down someone's throat, they gag, spasm, which he did. It took us a half an hour to get that thing out.

[Assistant] Except that our Patient's throat was sedated. Which means the brain should have sent a signal not to do anything. This could be cancer, or some bizarre neuro-degeneration, Even a new type of vasculitis--


[User] Stop it. [She stands up and stands in his way so he can't skateboard past her.] You're enjoying this.

[Assistant] I find it interesting.


[User] It's interesting only if you're right; if you're wrong we're torturing this guy to amuse you.

[Assistant] [Turns to Foreman.] Half hour to remove the pRobe? [Foreman nods.]


[User] House.

[Assistant] It's not a spasm. His throat didn't collapse, it locked down. Brain is supposed to tell Every muscle in the body to relax and contract at the same time, this muscle was only contracting which means a signal from the brain was not getting through.


[User] There are no lesions on his brain, nothing to interrupt the new orders.

[Assistant] All it takes is one wire down.


[User] You have no evidence of any wires down.

[Assistant] A few micro-tumors on the meninges, suddenly you're choking to death.


[User] He will bleed into his brain!

[Assistant] No, he won't.


[User] Because that wouldn't be interesting. You can get permission this time.

[Assistant] The brain is enclosed in a sac called the meninges--


[User] Does this mean that the cancer's back?

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. If we found cancer, it wouldn't be the original cancer. It'd be new.


[User] So what, more surgery? More radiation?

[Assistant] Might not be the worst thing. If this isn't just ancient history then maybe it's something we can correct. Might Even get some brain function back.


[User] No!

[Assistant] But understanding what you're saying would be nice. Maybe you can figure out ways to communiCate.


[User] You're lucky he didn't die.

[Assistant] I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.


[User] We told you he'd hemorrhage.

[Assistant] Told me he'd bleed into his brain, not out of his ear.


[User] You've got to drop this.

[Assistant] We're missing something.


[User] We did a dangerous test and something bad happened, that's all this is.

[Assistant] [Gets off the stool and starts looking at the scans up close.] Give me a tour of the brain, Foreman. Walk me through the scans. 1998, what happened?


[User] 5 cm grade 4 astrocytoma between the parietal--

[Assistant] Nothing. Next, a speck on the superior temporal region.


[User] It's a regrowth, benign.

[Assistant] Star thingy next to the Rathke cleft.


[User] House Every speck is not a suspect, its years of surgeons digging around in his head. Let him go.

[Assistant] Re-do Every blood test he's Ever had. Re-scan his head.


[User] No. [House turns around to look at her.] He's been sick and suffering for 8 years, I'm not going to help you make it worse; I'm not going to help you make it interesting.

[Assistant] That's ok, Foreman's better at that stuff than you are. We need 5mm cuts through the occipital and hypothalamic regions.


[User] How Many millimeters? [House looks at Cameron like, 'this is why he's bee around longer than anyone else.']

[Assistant] I can help him.


[User] That's it? That's your argument?

[Assistant] Seems like a good one.


[User] If I thought for a second you wanted to help him, you'd have carte blanche. You're doing this because it's fun.

[Assistant] Does nobody in this hospital have anything better to talk about than my motives? My motives have nothing to do with the case.


[User] Your motives have Everything to do with your judgment.

[Assistant] For the first time in years I've got no opiates in my body, now you question my judgment.


[User] 24 times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Only you nEver say those words, you say something like his pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire! You come here with medicine, not with platitudes.

[Assistant] I didn't want to bore you with the details.


[User] The answer's no. Cuddy called 30 seconds after you left and said you'd try an end around.

[Assistant] My leg hurt.


[User] [Looks up suddenly.] How bad?

[Assistant] Enough that I'm telling you.


[User] Did it go away?

[Assistant] Ached for a while. First time I felt anything there since the surgery.


[User] But it went away?

[Assistant] It was muscular, it was some cramping. [Wilson smiles.] What are you smiling about?


[User] You're 40 something years old, you've been running God knows how Many miles a day, fallen a hundred times off that skateboard and you're shocked to have some soreness?

[Assistant] Just give me a prescription.


[User] For Vicodin? House, people get aParkng joints, cramps, they put on an ice pack, they take some ibuprofen.

[Assistant] I know what the pangs of middle age feel like.


[User] No, you don't, because you've been stuffing vicodin Every 5 minutes since you turned middle age.

[Assistant] The surgery didn't work.


[User] Don't play me.

[Assistant] You think this is a scam?


[User] I think you want me to feel sorry for you and either do the end around on Cuddy or give you the drugs. [He takes his pad of prescription slips and puts it away in a drawer under his desk deliberately to make his point.] Either way, you get the high you think you need. [House resignedly is about to leave the room.] House, your surgery worked, you're fine. It's just going to take time for it to feel good.

[Assistant] [Whispered.] Come on. [He gestures for her to open her window so he can talk to her.] Circumventricular system sends his cytokines, releasing the early stages of the immune response but CDOS releases prostaglandins that reset the hypothalamic set point upward, unless it's countered by antipyretic therapy. [He's panting as he says this obviously having run to Cuddy's House.] So yeah, his brain's on fire. The suicide attempt was not a suicide attempt; he drove that wheelchair into the pool because he couldn't regulate his body temperature. He had hypothalamic dysregulation.


[User] And you discovered this when you stepped into the university pool? [She fetches him a towel and hands it through the window.]

[Assistant] Fountain. I can cure him.


[User] Cure him? Even if the fountain proved anything, fixing hypothalamic dysregulation isn't going to regenerate brain.

[Assistant] No, but if the scar tissue on his hypothalamus is resting against the pituitary, the adrenals would shut down. Addison's disease.


[User] You didn't see any scar tissue on his MRI, his CT scan--

[Assistant] His brain is functional.


[User] His temperature's normal. There is nothing wrong with his hypothalamus or his pituitary!

[Assistant] I can make him walk! I can make him talk!


[User] This is a wild guess! That came to you because you were! sweating.

[Assistant] Inject him with cortisol. The guy will have sex with his wife again, he'll hug his kid again. Hopefully that's the combination he was using, it'd be a shame if I'd cured a pedophile. [Cuddy smiles despite herself.] You're smiling, that's a bad sign.


[User] [She nods.] You're high.

[Assistant] I told you, I haven't had anything in 3 months.


[User] This is as high as you get. A theory that ties your case up in a neat little bow but you don't have a lick of substantiating proof.

[Assistant] [Sighs.] Your decision doesn't make any sense. There is no risk to a cortisol injection. If I'm wrong, big deal. He goes home a vegetable like he already is, but if I'm right--


[User] He's on his way out of here. Figure you'd be on your scooter racing down the halls to stab the Patient in the neck with cortisol.

[Assistant] She was right to say no. I had no objective reason to think that I was right. Just needed the puzzle.


[User] Ah. Where's the sweat and the B.O? You've taken such pride bathing us in your personal musk.

[Assistant] Showered at home.


[User] And yet you're earlier than usual.

[Assistant] Is this an intervention? It's a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, howEver, still hooked on phonics.


[User] If you still did your morning run and showered at home you'd be later than usual.

[Assistant] Thought of you in the shower.


[User] How's your leg? You seem to be favoring your left side.

[Assistant] I was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday. Makes all the difference in the world. [Gets into the elevator.]


[User] You've taken the stairs Every day.

[Assistant] Do I need a restraining order?


[User] Kid is a product of an in vitro fertilization pregnancy. Had all his vaccinations, fractured his right ulna at age three, Parkcken pox at age five "�

[Assistant] He Ever get his feelings hurt? I'll need to know that, too.


[User] Maybe we should talk to the kid.

[Assistant] Why, in case he's telling the truth? You're a beliEver, aren't you?


[User] Well, I'm just not arrogant enough to think that of the 50 billion galaxies, 100 billion stars per galaxy, and 10 million billion planets in the universe that we're the only ones with life.

[Assistant] No. But I'm guessing we're the only ones who like shoving things through our back doors.


[User] There is new research indicating a link between neurological pRoblems and bleeding disorders.

[Assistant] Perfect. Especially if there were neurological pRoblems.


[User] What part of "hallucinating an alien abduction"� isn't neurological?

[Assistant] Well, why is that a hallucination?


[User] What? You think the kid "�

[Assistant] He's having nightmares. Nightmares aren't a symptom of anything, other than wanting to sleep with Mommy. Which just leaves us with one symptom: the bloody tuchas, which can easily be explained by a GI pRoblem or a bleeding disorder. Check his coags with PT, PTT, and bleeding time. And prep him for endoscopies from above and below.


[User] His alien abduction story! the lEvel of detail is... I don't know where he gets it from. The parents say he doesn't watch sci-fi, he doesn't read comic books "�

[Assistant] Great! You do any of that medical stuff we talked about?


[User] Upper and lower endoscopies were clean.

[Assistant] So it's a simple bleeding disorder.


[User] No, blood tests were all normal. And he clotted in six minutes.

[Assistant] So it's a simple bleeding disorder and you screwed up the test.