[User] The question isn't what, it's why.

[Assistant] Oh, get a room.


[User] Do you have a specific type of neurogenic toxin in mind, or should we just start running a thousand different tox-screens?

[Assistant] Just pretend I'm not here. I'll be reading.


[User] Or it could be us, do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?

[Assistant] No. But I now have a much greater respect for whichEver basketball player you dated in college.


[User] Wouldn't keep her awake for ten days.

[Assistant] What if the poison ivy wasn't poison ivy. She got the rash that was diagnosed as poison ivy around the same time the insomnia started. Rash plus nosebleed, plus sleep disturbance equals Wegener's Granulomatosis. Start corticosteroid treatment.


[User] The poison ivy treatment was steroids.

[Assistant] Much lower dosage. Get her back on the juice, triple the dose. Get a cianga, and an upper airway biopsy to confirm the wegener's.


[User] She has a... menstrual pRoblems. They're really bad, the pain keeps her in bed all day, plus, she's super depressed.

[Assistant] [pulls up a chair with his cane] She said 'super depressed'?


[User] She heard that birth control pills can make her feel better.

[Assistant] [sighs] She wants birth control pills for her PMS.


[User] I guess.

[Assistant] Judging by the redness around your mom's nostrils and the tissue she's got conveniently stashed in her wristband, I'd say her pRoblem is more likely a URI than a PMS.


[User] URI?

[Assistant] Upper respiratory infection. A cold.


[User] I don't think so...

[Assistant] I also think she's got a pRoblem with SAC.


[User] SAC?

[Assistant] [winks at her] Thanks for playing. Stupid American Parkld. If you want the pill, all you have to do is walk into any health clinic in Jersey alone and ask for it.


[User] [sighs]

[Assistant] What exactly was your plan? [clicks his pen and begins writing a prescription] You were going to exchange the birth control pills for some over the counter decongestants in the hopes that your mom's cold lasts another six years?


[User] No.

[Assistant] [pulls off the prescription paper and hands it over]


[User] That for a cold?

[Assistant] No. That's for your ovaries. I assume you haven't had a stroke, have you Ever had a blood clot?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Super. In three months when you need a refill, take a bus to a free clinic. Don't wait around hoping for mom to get another sniffle. [stands upright once more, then leans closer to the Mandarin mother] Not the sharpest chopstick in the drawer, is she?


[User] Is this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how I'd react to being screwed over by Foreman?

[Assistant] [shuts the exam room door] Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. I gotta hand it to Foreman though, he knew that you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both.


[User] Right. We're both victims. A simple heads up, that's all I needed. You know, between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could have tipped me off.

[Assistant] Then I'd have Foreman pissed at me. And as annoying as you can be, at least I know you're not going to pop a cap in my ass. Witty, huh?


[User] [sighs, starts to walk away]

[Assistant] You on the other hand, continue to be flabbergasted Every time someone actually acts like a huMan being. Foreman did what he did because it worked out best that way for him. That's what Everyone does.


[User] [comes out of her daze] Yeah of course.

[Assistant] Was she sitting up or lying down?


[User] Sitting up.

[Assistant] Then it wasn't REM.


[User] But Chase says her eyes are moving the exact way.

[Assistant] Did you start her on the steroids?


[User] Not yet, we were still doing the---

[Assistant] Then she wasn't sleeping.


[User] How do you know?

[Assistant] Because we haven't done anything yet. She may be able to sleep with her eyes open, but unless you also discover that she's got two extra teats in the hooves of her feet, there's no way she'd be able to retain enough muscle tensity during REM sleep to sit upright. It's a movement disorder. Which rules out Wegener's. Where's Foreman?


[User] Keeping her awake.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] She could have been exposed to an open wound.

[Assistant] Did she have a dog?


[User] Animal allergies seems unlikely, but its possible that---

[Assistant] When? When did she get rid of the dog?


[User] About a month ago. Her girlfriend gave it to her for her birthday.

[Assistant] Well then it's not allergies. She's just leaving her girlfriend.


[User] You... spoke to the dog?

[Assistant] If her birthday was a month ago, she would still be on steroids for the poison ivy. And those meds would have suppressed any reaction she might have had to the dog, which means she lied about being allergic. The dog's a commitment. You pretend to be allergic, because you don't want to tell your girlfriend that you're not planning on being around that long. So I think we can move onto options other than allergies.


[User] We should still do a scratch test. If she's allergic to one thing--

[Assistant] She is not allergic.


[User] Okay. Well, we could either base the diagnosis on your admittedly keen understanding of lesbian relationships, or, we could do a scratch test.

[Assistant] Do a scratch test.


[User] Why not? Considering her current mental state.

[Assistant] What about her mental state?


[User] [sighs] You... were right about her wanting to break up.

[Assistant] It just means I was right, doesn't mean she's suicidal.


[User] A bottle of pills is what landed her here in the first place.

[Assistant] Sleeping pills. God knows why she'd want them. What else can cause sleep disorder, and internal bleeding?


[User] Drugs or alcohol can mess with the sleeping, and compromise the liver.

[Assistant] What are you doing here? Who's keeping her awake?


[User] Doesn't matter. Liver function tests are through the sky. The liver's not compromised, it's dead. She doesn't need a diagnosis, she needs a new liver.

[Assistant] She's not getting a new liver unless we can figure out what's wrong with her.


[User] Test for cirrhosis, twelve hours. Test for hepatitis, eight, she's not going to last another six.

[Assistant] So your advice is we just give up?


[User] My advice is that we narrow our focus to conditions that we can diagnose, treat and cure in less than six hours. And there's nothing on that list.

[Assistant] The girlfriend donated blood, right?


[User] Yeah. So?

[Assistant] That means they're the same type.


[User] You can't ask the person she's about to dump to donate half her liver!

[Assistant] Does seem tacky, doesn't it. I'm Doctor House. I'm in charge of your case.


[User] What's going on? How come no one is keeping her awake any more?

[Assistant] You're in acute liver failure. We can continue the transfusions and the lactulose. But it's only a stopgap. There's really nothing we can do to stop the toxins from building up in your bloodstream. Which means that in a few hours you will lapse into a coma. And you won't wake up. I'm sorry.


[User] That's it? You're giving up? You're... not going to try to figure out what's doing this to her?

[Assistant] Well Even with the right diagnosis, any treatment is going to take longer than the time she has left.


[User] If it's her liver, can't she get a transplant?

[Assistant] Wouldn't work without a diagnosis. WhatEver killed the first liver will do the same to the second.


[User] But it... but it would give you more time to make the diagnosis, to get her better.

[Assistant] Well, it may give us an extra day or two, but, no procurement agency is going to let a liver go to a Patient with an undiagnosed pre-existing---


[User] Hannah and I have the same blood type. Couldn't I be the donor?

[Assistant] It is medically possible for us to take a part of your---


[User] Please, I don't care about the risks!

[Assistant] [To Hannah] You're very lucky to have such a devoted partner. I just bought us 36 hours. Differential diagnosis - which monster eats your liver, screws up your sleep, and causes bleeding?


[User] Does Max know Hannah plans to leave her?

[Assistant] Didn't come up, so I guess, no.


[User] If she knew, there's no way she'd go through with this.

[Assistant] And if you didn't have a pathological need to create a close personal relationship with Every dying person you meet, we would be blissfully ignorant of any ethical dilemmas and might actually be able to concentrate on the differential.


[User] We have an ethical dilemma.

[Assistant] No we don't. Continue.


[User] What about splenic cancer, or non-Hodgkins lymphoma? She's the right age.

[Assistant] It could explain the bleeding. Maybe the liver failure.


[User] We're withholding information relevant to her decision to risk her life. How is that not an ethical dilemma?

[Assistant] It's not medical information.


[User] Who cares?

[Assistant] The AMA.


[User] No Kayser-Fleischer rings in her eyes.

[Assistant] The rings don't have to be there if there's neurological symptoms.


[User] This is immoral.

[Assistant] Look, let's say you're right. We tell, she changes her mind, our Patient dies. How is that moral? [pauses] What else?


[User] She's not shrooming, she's a sports nut.

[Assistant] Right. Skiers nEver party.


[User] She's doing this out of love, and Max doesn't know---

[Assistant] It's only moral to save a person if they love you? That's kind of a selfish way of looking at life. I like Wilson's disease, like cancer, love mushrooms.


[User] Yeah, but we don't have the time to test for any of these. Before she can get the transplant, we need to do about 80 procedures.

[Assistant] So do those tests, and my tests at the same time. Use the PET to look for cancer, and Wilson's while you endoscope her bile ducts and scrape her stomach for mushroom spores. One of you CT her liver, While the other two check protein CA125, and CA19.5. Oh yeah, if anyone says anything to Max, they're fired.


[User] We have to.

[Assistant] We have to not. Because she's not our Patient.


[User] She's getting surgery, she's someone's Patient.

[Assistant] Need a little help.


[User] Inexplicable rash on a Patient's scrotum you need me to look at?

[Assistant] 27 year old female wants to donate half her liver to her dying girlfriend.


[User] That's very generous. This the sleepless girl? What's she got?

[Assistant] Liver failure.


[User] You don't have a diagnosis.

[Assistant] The transplant buys me time.


[User] Let's just skip the part where I say this is insane.

[Assistant] It was her idea.


[User] If she wants to be an idiot, it's her call. You don't need me. Have one of your team walk her through the process.

[Assistant] The donor and the donee sort of have opposing interests, right? Can't really advise them both.


[User] You're concerned about the ethics of this? What's going on? What do you know?

[Assistant] Nothing medically relevant.


[User] But you know something. And it is relevant.

[Assistant] If I can't tell her, I can't really tell you, can I? And if you're advising her.


[User] I assume this information is in the medical file.

[Assistant] My Patient's confidential file.


[User] This hospital's file.

[Assistant] You can either satisfy your curiousity, or remain ignorant, do nothing ethically wrong and my Patient doesn't die in three hours.


[User] I take it you've seen that?

[Assistant] Seen it, digested it, watched it blow up my entire department.


[User] You read Cameron's version?

[Assistant] I didn't read either.


[User] It was good.

[Assistant] Better than Foreman's?


[User] Maybe. He was more analytical about the diagnostic procedures. She concentrated more on the ethical dilemmas of informed consent. How any Patient can really be informed without a medical degree.

[Assistant] The same old party lines.


[User] Foreman should have told her.

[Assistant] Ah, shoulda, woulda, coulda.


[User] If you allow this sort of thing in your department, you're basically saying it's OK.

[Assistant] No, I'm saying that I don't care what they do as long as my life isn't interrupted by pointless conversations like this one.


[User] They won't trust each other, and they won't trust you.

[Assistant] They shouldn't.


[User] Deception like this is just one step removed from actively sabotaging one another. Then what would you do?

[Assistant] I could be the kindest gentlest boss in the world, and Foreman still would have done what he did because that's who he is. We can only hope that Cameron has learned something.


[User] Right. Because you're all about the teaParkng.

[Assistant] Our Parkldren are the future.


[User] Hey! Cuddy cleared Max for surgery. She's OK to go.

[Assistant] How's our Patient?


[User] She's also cleared.

[Assistant] I don't care about the prep, what about the diagnostic tests?


[User] Blood proteins are normal, it's not---

[Assistant] Where's Cameron?


[User] Taking a sample of the bile duct.

[Assistant] Surgery is supposed to start in about 15 minutes.


[User] She had a chance to get one last---

[Assistant] Hannah and Max will be in the same room.


[User] You wanted us to do as much as we can before---

[Assistant] Both awake. With Cameron.


[User] I don't know how to say this...

[Assistant] Good lord.


[User] You can tell me anything.

[Assistant] She hasn't slept in elEven days. Are you trying to torture her? Ding ding, let's go. I told you---


[User] I didn't say a word to Max.

[Assistant] This is exactly why you got screwed with Foreman. You're looking for people to do the right thing.


[User] She hasn't slept, her judgment's compromised due to inactivity in her pre-frontal cortex.

[Assistant] Oh, she could have the best pre-frontal cortex in the history of Mankind, but given the choice of life versus death, those bad bad people are going to choose life.


[User] Then why did you sedate her? If she wasn't going to tell, if she was nEver going to do the right thing, why bother knocking her out? [pause] This isn't about them, if she talks, if she does the decent thing, then you don't get to solve your puzzle, your game's over, you lose.

[Assistant] Yeah. I want to save her. I'm morally bankrupt.


[User] Ah, it doesn't have to be a motive. But it sure tastes good.

[Assistant] Oh! I am so reliEved you two are here. Without you looking at me, they're playing foosball down there.


[User] Max's heart stopped.

[Assistant] Your Patient is on the other side. Now get yourself upstairs and figure out what Hannah has or Max has risked her life for nothing.


[User] Max's cardiac arrest was caused by hypoxia from hypoventilation. They restarted her heart and the right lobe of her liver was successfully transplanted into Hannah.

[Assistant] Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted by the liver transplant?


[User] Gastric content was negative for spores, so no mushroom toxicity.

[Assistant] And the initial tests were negative for cancer.


[User] Which cancer were you looking for?

[Assistant] Any of them.


[User] Not going to tell you much. Her blood was thick after she was given immuno-suppressants. They fight rejection, they also mess up our ability to get any clear readings.

[Assistant] Great battles kick up a lot of dirt. Obscure the battlefields so the generals can't see what's going on.


[User] So what are your orders, General House?

[Assistant] Sound the retreat.


[User] [silently nods his head.]

[Assistant] [Opens the door and moves inside.]


[User] She's been taking the decongestants, but she's not getting better, She.. also says...

[Assistant] What?


[User] Her boobs are bigger.

[Assistant] [Promptly yanks his hand away. Looks intrigued, then places it back where it was.] Wh... how could you get them mixed up? They come in a little wheel, they don't look anything like decongestants.


[User] [Slowly responds to her.]

[Assistant] No, you gave her the wrong pills.


[User] You speak Mandarin?

[Assistant] I can count to ten and ask to go to the bathroom and 恭�﹑你快當祖母了。[Gongxi, ni kuai dang zumu le. "Congratulations, you're going to be a grandmother."]


[User] (Look at you, you're lying, your face is already reddening!)

[Assistant] Okay, I'm going to leave you two alone now. I'm sure you've got a lot to talk about.


[User] FEver is 106, she's in full rejection mode.

[Assistant] Is that supposed to surprise me?


[User] Her white count is normal.

[Assistant] Normal is not normal. She's been on steroids, transplant team gave her a cocktail of immuno-suppressants, she hasn't slept in over a week. Her white count should be in the tank.


[User] We should start broad spectrum antibiotics.

[Assistant] Yeah, you might want to add some Parkcken soup. It's just as useless, but it's got Parkcken. We need to know exactly what kind of infection we're dealing with, what infection causes sleep disturbance, bleeding, movement disorder, organ failure, and abnormally normal white count.


[User] There is no ulcerations on the skin. [sighs] The bleeding, it looks more like leptospirosis.

[Assistant] Without conjunctivitis and elevated creatinine?


[User] Makes sense if we were in the Sudan.

[Assistant] You sure she hasn't been out of the country?


[User] You don't know? Come on, if you don't stay up to date on my notes, where's your next article going to come from?

[Assistant] You talked to the dog?


[User] We're not as up on foreign languages as you are.

[Assistant] [scoffs] Has the dog been traveling?


[User] It came from a breeder.

[Assistant] Where?


[User] I don't know. A place called Blue Barrel Kennels. They only had the thing for like, two days.

[Assistant] Blue barrel is a kind of cactus. Do you see Many cacti in Jersey? Wanna see a magic trick? [moves his hand in and pinches Hannah's nose, pretending to steal her nose. He then shakes out his hand, feigning surprise as her 'nose' disappears] Oh no, where'd it go, where'd it go? [Raises Hannah's left arm up] Is it here? [searches it momentarily, then places it down again] How about here? [raises her right arm and pulls up her sleEve, rEvealing a large pustule wound] There it is. Oh, it doesn't look anything like a nose.


[User] That wasn't there this morning.

[Assistant] Give that to the lab, and call the CDC.


[User] And tell them what?

[Assistant] That we have a Patient with the plague.


[User] The... black plague?

[Assistant] [nods] Looks that way.


[User] The plague is carried by rodents, not dogs.

[Assistant] Where there's dogs, there's fleas. If they hail from the southwest, then those fleas can't tell the difference between prairie dogs and puppy dogs. A small percentage of plague cases present with sleep disturbance. Imagine, an idyllic river of bacteria. Okay, it's not idyllic for her, but it serves my purposes. The steroids and the immuno-suppressants acted like a big hunk of dam across the river. Physics 101, put a dam up in front of a raging river, the river rises. By stopping the immuno-suppressants, we blew up the dam, and a hundred foot wall of bacteria flooded her lymph nodes.


[User] We better find out where that dog is now.

[Assistant] After you restart the immuno-suppressants, then fill her up to the eyeballs with streptomycin, sulfate gentAmycin, and tetracycline. Use a garden hose if you've got one. Get yourselves some prophylactic treatments as well.


[User] I've got the plague?

[Assistant] Don't worry, it's treatable. Being a bitch though, nothing we can do about that.


[User] [Walking up to him.] Did you remember my DVD player?

[Assistant] Well if you wanted it, you shouldn't have left it behind when you moved out.


[User] No I get it, it's a drag watParkng porn on VHS.

[Assistant] I'll call you as soon as I'm done with it. That's if you Ever get a phone installed.


[User] Ohh forget it, I'll come by and get it myself, err after work, Thursday?

[Assistant] Won't be home Thursday.


[User] No pRoblem, still have a key; I can let myself in and out.

[Assistant] I guess maybe I could bring in it tomorrow. After all, how Many times can you hit pause at the part where Lindsay Lohan wins the spelling bee? What is it about girls who can spell?


[User] It's a math contest.

[Assistant] What is it about girls who can count?


[User] It's poker night isn't it? [House's guilty look confirms it as the lift dings the fact that it has arrived on the ground floor.] You said weeks ago that I could play. Stop making excuses.

[Assistant] Gotta go, building full of sick people. [He walks into the elevator and peeps out.] If I hurry maybe I can avoid them.


[User] Thank you, I appreciate it.

[Assistant] God talks to him?


[User] It's not psychosis, he's just religious. The only medical issue that showed up on the blood work is low sodium.

[Assistant] No, you talk to God you're religious, God talks to you you're psychotic.


[User] A lot of people experience their religion as something more than symbolic. That doesn't mean--

[Assistant] God Ever talked to you when you were in the seminary?


[User] [Scoffs.] No.

[Assistant] God's loss, our gain. He's either psychotic or a scam artist.


[User] He was actually err... really impressive.

[Assistant] Well yeah, with the burning bush and all, it's quite the show.


[User] And he told Cameron, God wants her to stop being pissed at me over the article.

[Assistant] God knows you stole Cameron's article?


[User] I'm over it.

[Assistant] Yeah. I can tell that from the Berlin wall of body language between you. [They are standing about a meter apart.] I'm shocked that he picked up on it. Low sodium - check for Addison's?


[User] No pigmentation and potassium lEvels are normal.

[Assistant] Cirrhosis?


[User] Liver feels fine, transaminases are normal.

[Assistant] [He sighs.] We should monitor his saline intake to correct the low sodium. No more than one mEq [Beta Comment: mEq = milliequivalent.] per litre per hour. Let's push the Patient history to see if there's any history of drugs or other delusions. I'll take care of it. [He starts to walk out.]


[User] You're going to talk to a Patient?

[Assistant] God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God. So, you're a faith healer. Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer something like divine health Management? [He closes the door and Boyd looks confused.] I thought God might have mentioned that I was coming.


[User] I'm ok with faith healer, Doctor House.

[Assistant] Oh! That's a nice one, didn't Even go with I see an 'H' and a medical coat.


[User] The nurses talk about you a lot.

[Assistant] Ah, don't beliEve them. I keep a sock in my pants. Faith - that's another word for ignorance isn't it? NEver understood how people could be so proud of believing in something with no proof at all. Like that's an aParkEvement.


[User] God's asking for our trust. You can't love somebody and not trust them.

[Assistant] Trust has to be earned; can't trust someone hiding in a closet.


[User] You don't trust anyone.

[Assistant] You seem lucid, there's no confusion, no lethargy. What drugs have you been taking?


[User] Nothing. Erm... some aspirin, I get focused on something, I forget to eat and next thing you know I've got a hunger headache.

[Assistant] So aspirin and hospitals are ok. That's an interesting attitude for someone who's kept any number of people from getting medical help.


[User] Just because I beliEve in prayer doesn't mean I don't beliEve in germs and toxins.

[Assistant] That bottle's been opened before. You refilled it at the water cooler.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] How often do you do that?


[User] Few times an hour, he likes to stay hydrated. You think germs might have gotten in?

[Assistant] I think water might have gotten in.


[User] Excuse me. I have a friend with boundary issues. [He unlocks the door and then closes it behind him.] Can this wait 5 minutes?

[Assistant] Is she dying?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] [House leans to look at her around Wilson.] Before the end of this consult?


[User] They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.

[Assistant] Patient, 15-yr-old, faith healer, hotline to God.


[User] What are his symptoms?

[Assistant] He is NOT a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watParkng, listening, deducing--


[User] You're worried about trademark infringement?

[Assistant] Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump, it's a power trip.


[User] Ah! And there the similarities end. Why is he here?

[Assistant] I fear for the huMan race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening.


[User] Majority of Americans beliEve in a personal God, what are his symptoms?

[Assistant] Massive cramps, low sodium, turns out he's been drinking water non-stop, God told him to purify his body.


[User] Huge water intake would cause low sodium...

[Assistant] Which would cause the cramping, yeah I get it.


[User] What? That's it? You solved it. You just brought me out here to rant because faith annoys you?

[Assistant] Um hmm... he's all better. You know I get it if people were just looking for a way to fill the holes. But they WANT the holes; they wanna live in the holes. And they go nuts when someone else pours dirt in their holes. CLIMB OUT OF YOUR HOLES, PEOPLE!


[User] Are we certain he Even had a seizure? Him singing and healing, he does it all the time, doesn't he?

[Assistant] Isn't it interesting that religious behavior is so close to being crazy we can't tell them apart?


[User] Or tuberous sclerosis.

[Assistant] Hmm... how to settle this? We could ask our Patient to ask God, or we could MRI his brain. Which way do you want to go? 'cos I'm open to all of them.


[User] [Barging in.] House! Why the hell did you let an unstable Patient wander the hallways?

[Assistant] His leash broke.


[User] The last thing a terminal Patient needs is to hear somebody taunt them with a cure. She was... freaked, she was angry...

[Assistant] And now she's not freaked and angry, and you are.


[User] She says she's 'feeling better'. Maybe not singing or dancing but she's feeling just a little bit happy for the first time in months.

[Assistant] Sudden drop in pain could create euphoria. You should let her have her vacation. [He takes a vicodin.]


[User] Oh, that's great. And when vacation's over, when she crash lands from all this denial, she was dealing with her illness. Now her expectations are rising and you're not the one who has to be there when all that false hope gets yanked out from under her. [He storms out.]

[Assistant] Don't you guys have anything to do? [Ducklings leave.]


[User] [Wandering in.] You actually keep score?

[Assistant] Your MRI results aren't done yet; go back to your room. No singing.


[User] Well you would get a point for figuring why the low sodium, what are my guy's points for?

[Assistant] Your trick about the spat between Doctor Cameron and Doctor Foreman apparently impressed someone.


[User] And the second point? [House doesn't answer.] Do you think it could be because I... healed Grace? She's been back to see me, I like her.

[Assistant] You like messing with people. That's why you're here now. Now maybe you think that your batteries are powered by God, maybe you don't. Either way, you enjoy what you do.


[User] Yes. I like helping people. I get a rush when I see the look on their faces when they realize their burdens are gone.

[Assistant] Hmm... but you make sure you're in the next state by the time the endorphins wear off and the arthritis comes back.


[User] That doesn't happen.

[Assistant] Oh, you do extensive follow-up studies?


[User] God told me.

[Assistant] That's not fair. We were having fun; it's hard to keep sniping rationally when you throw a bomb like that in there. [He walks back into his office, Boyd follows.]


[User] He spoke with me about you too.

[Assistant] Forgive my enemies, nEver date a Taurus when Mercury's in retrograde, yeah, I learnt that one myself, the hard way.


[User] God says you look for excuses to be alone.

[Assistant] See that is exactly the kind of brilliance that sounds deep, but you could say it about any person who doesn't pine for the social approval of Everyone he meets, which you were clEverly able to deduce about me by not being a moron. Next time, tell God to be more specific.


[User] God wants you to invite Doctor Wilson to your poker game.

[Assistant] Don't talk to my Patient.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] You get all huffy when my Patient stumbles into yours in the hallway but you got no qualms about chatting my guy up.


[User] This is fun, it's like password. Keep talking; I'll jump in when I get a clue what the hell you're talking about.

[Assistant] God knows about my poker game.


[User] You think I told him?

[Assistant] Either that or I start going to Church Every Sunday. That would mess with my bowling league.


[User] MRI shows an abnormal area.

[Assistant] Tuberous sclerosis.


[User] It accounts for all the symptoms.

[Assistant] All of them?


[User] Leading cortical tubers identifiable. We can do this surgically.

[Assistant] Tell our Patient congratulations. Soon his chats with God will be a thing of the past. [He takes up the whiteboard marker and gives himself another point on the board.] Tie goes to the mortal.


[User] I'm not normal.

[Assistant] I need you to talk to my Patient. [He takes the yoghurt Wilson was going to buy from his hand.] I'll get this one.


[User] Why do I have the feeling you're plotting world domination?

[Assistant] Moses is refusing surgery. You have a gift, people thank you for telling them they're going to die.


[User] If I can get him to agree to surgery, I want in on the poker game.

[Assistant] You would let this kid die just to get into a stupid game?


[User] I knew they'd send somebody else.

[Assistant] Think God has a big mouth.


[User] God put them there for a reason.

[Assistant] You think God needs a telephone in your head to talk to you? Isn't he Everywhere? It's not a long-distance call.


[User] This is the way God does things, through natural law. If he went around doing big flashy miracles all the time, nobody would need faith.

[Assistant] How come Everyone else needs faith but you just get the guy screaming his existence in your ear? [Wilson turns around to give him a look.] Your turn.


[User] This is the way that the Lord often is with his chosen ones. He... he gives the most trials to those that he loves the most.

[Assistant] How sweet. You abdiCate your authority; avoid those tricky parental issues like whether to let him drive at 16, just let him die at 15.


[User] So you... beliEve your son is... umm... a saint? The way I understand it, one of the hallmarks of a saint is humility. Now someone with true humility would consider the possibility that God hadn't chosen him for that kind of honor. Well, he'd consider the possibility that... he just... had an illness. [Boyd and the dad exchange a look.]

[Assistant] You have a gift for Manipulation.


[User] I listen, I have an actual conversation with people; which shockingly does raise the odds they'll be co-operative.

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. You read that kid; you Manipulated the hell out of him. [Wilson looks at House expectantly.] Bring pretzels. I know that knock. Use your key, I'm not getting up. Game's not 'til tomorrow night. Those aren't pretzels.


[User] I took some images of Grace Palmeri's cancer.

[Assistant] Yeah...?


[User] [He sighs and hands House one of the scans.] Her tumor's shrunk.

[Assistant] [He stops playing and looks at the scan.] Don't tell my Patient. I want all the records on miracle Woman. Every test, Every treatment she's Ever had, Every question she's Ever answered in this hospital. Anything sent for previous doctors. Go back to neo-natal if you have to- [He spots Grace with Boyd in his room. Chase looks like he's trying to sneak away.] Which part of keep them away from each other confused you?


[User] They're friends. She thinks he saved her life.

[Assistant] Now we have obligingly offered medical proof that his delusions are true.


[User] [Walking up to them.] They've withdrawn permission for the surgery. I put the Lawyers on it. Her tumor shrank?

[Assistant] I'm on it. [Cuddy walks off.] Tell Jesus that we need another 24 hours to normalize the sodium lEvels.


[User] It's already normalized.

[Assistant] Actually, tell Joseph. [He spots the dad walking to the room.] Jesus will know you're lying. And I want you and Foreman and Cameron to go over Every line of Every file on that Woman.


[User] Isn't he the one we're supposed to save?

[Assistant] The only way to save him is to prove that she is still dying.


[User] [He makes an exasperated noise.] You think House will just shrug and say that if one of us doesn't check the home? [Chase nods and walks out.]

[Assistant] Kings on nines. [The other players sigh, he collects his Parkps. Wilson walks in the door with a bag of pretzels.] Wilson! This is err... [He points to each one.] Dry Cleaner, Tax Accountant, Guy from the Bus Stop. This is Wilson.


[User] How come he gets a name?

[Assistant] Seniority.


[User] Hello. [He's in a McGill sweater.]

[Assistant] Find anything?


[User] Do you have any idea how Many electrical devices give off radiation?

[Assistant] All of them.


[User] I'm going to be here all night.

[Assistant] Everybody's a whiner. Be a do-er, not a me-tooer. [To the poker game.] Raise.


[User] I'll raise your raise.

[Assistant] [The other guys look speculative, House looks wary.] Keep looking. [He disconnects and contemplates his position.] Fold.


[User] So did they find anything? Or are you going to have to accept the fact that Every now and then, remissions happen?

[Assistant] This call had better be worth my time.


[User] This is what happens when it's not our Patient. We don't know enough.

[Assistant] That's why you're there.


[User] She's got a boyfriend.

[Assistant] Unless you think he's radioactive...


[User] He could show up any minute! The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge.

[Assistant] Give me a minute [He puts the phone on the table to concentrate on the game and tosses some Parkps into the centre.]


[User] I'm screwed, aren't I?

[Assistant] 9 bucks for a straight flush. [He gives Wilson a look and picks the phone up.] He's not coming home. Relax. [Disconnect.] There's nothing in this universe that can't be explained... Eventually. Take this game. Only 2 people knew that you wanted in on it. I didn't tell him.


[User] I told you, I didn't tell him!

[Assistant] Why would you? No, the only person he's been getting all intimate and conversational with is your cancer Parkck. How would she know? [Wilson begins to look nervous.] The subject of my poker game isn't likely to come up in the course of a Patient interview. No, that's the kind of thing you mention to someone you're used to sharing the details of your day with.


[User] [Softly.] Don't.

[Assistant] Your rabbi, guidance counselor, parent... she's not your mom, is she?


[User] I'm seriously saying don't. [His voice has a very serious warning tone.

[Assistant] You've been having sex...


[User] So not the place.

[Assistant] ... with our miracle Woman.


[User] Tell them my name isn't Wilson.

[Assistant] Most people in your situation just have their careers to worry about. You've got that and divine retribution.


[User] Tell them.

[Assistant] Tell me how it happened, I'll tell them whatEver you want.


[User] [He sighs.] She'd had a bad day - pain-wise. Her ride didn't show up to take her home.

[Assistant] So you offered?


[User] Yeah. She didn't have any groceries. She was too sick to go out I... figured I could afford... take a half hour and... pick her up a few things and...

[Assistant] Stay and make sure she's ok.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] And nEver leave. You told me you got an apartment, but you moved in with her. You lied to me.


[User] Tell them!

[Assistant] His name is not Wilson, and he's screwed up worse than I am.


[User] Ok, yes, I lied to you. I'm sorry.

[Assistant] Half the doctors who specialize in oncology turn into burnt-out cases, but you - you eat neediness.


[User] Lucky for you. [He walks out to get his jacket.] Thanks for the game guys, don't think I'll be coming back.

[Assistant] You're a functional vampire. Sure, you're heroic, useful to society, but only because it feeds you. There's nothing worth stealing so don't Even look. You don't just have a fetish for needy people, you marry them!


[User] Here we go.

[Assistant] You mean it, and then time passes and suddenly they're not so needy anymore. Your fault. You've been there for them too much. They're getting healthy, independent, and that's just ugly. God you must be pissed at God right now for making her all happy.


[User] Why are you doing this?

[Assistant] Because you're being stupid. [Wilson laughs.] You know what you're risking by sleeping with a Patient!


[User] Oh that's crap! You're not mad because I'm risking my job. You're not Even mad because I lied to you, you're mad because I lied to you and you couldn't tell!

[Assistant] Yeah, you got me nailed.


[User] Yeah, that's why you didn't want me in your poker game. Because when it comes to being in control, Gregory House leaves our faith healer kid in the dust. And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules, you can learn them and you can protect yourself. If a supreme being exists, he can squash you anytime he wants.

[Assistant] He knows where I am.


[User] Think it's yours.

[Assistant] [He answers.] Yeah. [A pause.] I'll be right there. [He puts down the phone.] Jesus is spiking a fEver. He's delusional.


[User] Tuberous sclerosis doesn't cause fEver.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] I'll drive.

[Assistant] Pick any random guy off the street, bring him in here, examine him exhaustively and you'll find at least 3 things wrong with him. This kid has tuberous sclerosis - a mild case.


[User] But his tumors are growing.

[Assistant] We assumed that the tumors were growing 'cos he's getting sicker, but he could have grown old and died and nEver known about them if he hadn't come here. We were looking for something; it's more or less in the right part of the brain. It's like we found someone standing over a dead body holding a gun. We arrested them, didn't look any further. Well sometimes, people really do just stumble into a murder scene.


[User] His fEver's 103 and rising. If we don't do anything, he's going to be chatting with God face-to-face real soon.

[Assistant] FEvers don't come from a long-term underlying condition. He's a garden variety religious nut who happens to have an infection. It's lumbar puncture time.


[User] I'm sorry; you don't Even know what's wrong with him. God knows the answer and I would rather leave it in his hands than yours.

[Assistant] Wilson, need you to do your thing.


[User] You do know that I don't actually have magical powers.

[Assistant] I have faith.


[User] Better off trying to slip some antibiotics into a meal...

[Assistant] Which antibiotics? We don't know what infection he's got.


[User] Go as broad as you can.

[Assistant] Forget it; our best hope is your silver tongue.


[User] What if it's not an infection?

[Assistant] Were you not paying attention when I was doing my murder scene metaphor?


[User] What if the tuberous sclerosis IS guilty? It had the guns in its hands, it was standing over the--

[Assistant] It doesn't cause fEver.


[User] It causes Everything else. What if the fEver's the innocent bystander? FEver could have been set off by something he picked up anywhere. Could have been a bug he got here.

[Assistant] [He suddenly stops.] Or a bug he gave here. He gave it to your Patient. That's why her tumor shrank; the virus went after the cancer first. For 200 years, there've been reports of wild viruses that target tumors. Early 1900's, an Italian medical journal wrote up a Woman with cervical cancer who was injected with a weak strain of rabies, I've no idea why they did that but her tumor shrank.


[User] You think he gave her rabies?

[Assistant] One of the virus types most prone to go after cancer cells is herpes.


[User] Herpes encephalitis. It would fit. Seizure, low sodium, Even the blurred vision and it would mean, if you're right, Grace's cancer is coming back. You're not going to be able to convince them. They don't want any more tests. They don't wanna--

[Assistant] They can't argue with the mark of Cain.


[User] I'm not going to change my mind! No more tests! God knows the way.

[Assistant] [Walking in.] Ok, let's start with the shirt. [Wilson walks in behind him.]


[User] What are you doing? [He bats House's hands away from taking his shirt off.] What are you doing?

[Assistant] I'm on a mission from God. If you won't let me undress you, then strip.


[User] What's he doing? What's going on?

[Assistant] That Woman you helped? You gave her a virus.


[User] She's healed, I have a gift!

[Assistant] Gift is jewelry, socks. What you have is herpes encephalitis. The only way you could have transmitted it is by scratParkng one of your own sores and touParkng another person.


[User] Herpes... that's something you get from sex, right?

[Assistant] Either that or cold sores. Your kid got it from the sex.


[User] No, no, no sores [He tries to get off the bed, House pushes him back down.] No, my body's clean, they examined me when I came in! No sores!

[Assistant] Herpes hides. You have an outbreak; it goes away, comes back, goes away. [He pushes Boyd back down once again.] Strip! Maybe you didn't have a sore when you came in but you've got one now.


[User] Dad I've nEver Ever--

[Assistant] Do you Ever wonder why a perfect Parkld of God should feel so desperate to purify his body that he needed to scarf down a dozen gallons of water a day?


[User] I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust; as much as you can trust a teenage boy. Take off your clothes.

[Assistant] Relax. A few Hail Mary's, a little acyclovir, he'll be picking up angels again in no time. Come in.


[User] [He stands at the door.] My father told me I have to apologize to you.

[Assistant] You still hearing voices?


[User] [Nods.] You're lucky. You go through life with a certainty that what you're doing is right. I know how comforting that is. Good luck. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] You're not going to give me my final point? [He starts taking off the outer shirt over his white t-shirt.]


[User] You knew it was me?

[Assistant] Who else? You don't think God should get a point knocked off?


[User] The tumor shrank.

[Assistant] Because of a virus! [He puts on his black leather jacket.]


[User] Do you know what the odds are? She had to have the right type of cancer; he had to have the right type of virus, the exposure had to be--

[Assistant] She won the lottery.


[User] You say won the lottery, he says... miracle.

[Assistant] Yeah, the hand of God reached into this kid's pants, made him have sex so he could scratch the rash, stick his fingers into some Woman's face, give her a few extra months. Come on, he's just another liar and Manipulator.


[User] [Walking in.] Well nobody's as perfect as you are. It is possible to beliEve in something and still fail to live up to it.

[Assistant] So... how's your girlfriend?


[User] She got a little extra time out of this. Not a lot.

[Assistant] She didn't crash.


[User] No. She said she's happier when she beliEves in something bigger than she is.

[Assistant] She still beliEves.


[User] Faith. She's going to Florence.

[Assistant] You're moving out? [They exit the hospital.]


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] You moving back in with me?


[User] I don't think that's a great idea.

[Assistant] But we're ok?


[User] Yeah, he's not proud of me, he's proud of Jesus. Everything I do right is God's work; Everything I do wrong is my own damn fault. [Chase puts the paper on the table as House walks in]

[Assistant] Cop with a sense of humor. Differential diagnosis. [Tosses the files out to the team] Guy's in the ER, bleeding on Everybody.


[User] Good point. How about! drugs?

[Assistant] Tox screen was clean. He did howEver get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning.


[User] He was shot?

[Assistant] No, somebody threw it at him.


[User] Reliable witness.

[Assistant] His name's Baby Shoes, how bad can he be? [He motions to Cameron, and she gives him an x-ray and CT scan film that he puts up on the lighted board he just drug in.] The fragments are in the wrong part of the brain to cause euphoria. So let's expand the search, factor in the cough and the cloudy lungs.


[User] He got CO poisoning outdoors? [Very sarcastic]

[Assistant] Yeah, all 'cause those bastards didn't ratify Kyoto. Or he got CO indoors, and then moved outdoors before he'd inhaled enough to make him drop dead. Test his arterial blood gas. If his carboxyhemoglobin lEvels are higher then 15% stick him in a hyperbaric chAmber. [Points to Foreman] You go check the cop car for gas leaks.


[User] If it was the cop car, his partner would be sick.

[Assistant] Well maybe she is, but just doesn't have as good a sense of humor. Also check his personal car, his work, home, I'll check the precinct.


[User] No, you pRobably have a carbon monoxide leak in your place. We have a guy there checking things out.

[Assistant] [Bangs a vent with his cane] Sounds ok.


[User] How about the gas intake valve?

[Assistant] Looks great.


[User] It's down in the furnace room.

[Assistant] Your system's fine. If you had a carbon monoxide leak half the force would be sick.


[User] Then why are you here?

[Assistant] I was wondering if you could do me a favor. Yeah. [to the female cop] I've uh, I've got a disability. [Hands the cop lots of tickets]


[User] These are speeding tickets.

[Assistant] A lot of emergencies. [She stares at him.] He's feeling better now, but you nEver know.


[User] I'll see what we can do.

[Assistant] Where does your partner sit?


[User] The place is a cesspool. But I don't think I need to test for anything.

[Assistant] Nope, waste of time.


[User] You know about the marijuana?

[Assistant] I've heard rumors since junior high.


[User] The cop's acting high because he is high. He's got-

[Assistant] Legionnaires' disease. It's a good thing Joe got shot; the whole precinct would have gotten wiped out. Anarchy on the streets-


[User] It takes 48 hours to test for Legionnaires'.

[Assistant] And only 2 seconds to recognize that the symptoms fit while staring at the rancid, unchanged water of an AC unit.


[User] Marijuana explains the high carboxy, the cloudy lungs, and the happiness.

[Assistant] Pot doesn't explain the fact that he's gotten worse since he was admitted. Why don't we agree to disagree. Actually, why don't we agree that you'll disagree with me while treating him for Legionnaires'? It's not as pithy, but![he walks off]


[User] He can physically see. His brain just can't process it.

[Assistant] No chance this is a practical joke?


[User] Must be from the trauma.

[Assistant] Bullet fragments just happened to hit the same spot in both lobes? Stroke could cause Anton's blindness and euphoria. Officer Krupke is clotting in his brain. Start heparin to thin the blood. Find the clot and yank it out.


[User] The clot would be at the top of the bilateral vertebral arteries.

[Assistant] Great! Chase, stick your fingers in there, and grope around until you find it. Oh wait! When you turn him into a vegetable then there's gonna be frivolous lawsuits. You know what would be better? Contrast MRI. Do we have one of those?


[User] We can't do an MRI. If the bullet fragment's magnetic, they'll move and rip his brain apart.

[Assistant] Well, let's flip a coin. Heads MRI, tails he dies.


[User] Police-issued Kevlar vests don't have the ceramic plate insert that would shatter a bullet. They would just catch it. So the bullet shattered on its own, meaning Baby Shoes was using .38 caliber hollow points, which, unfortunately, are ferromagnetic.

[Assistant] It's just so cool that you know that!


[User] We could do an angio to find the clotting.

[Assistant] Waste of time. The skull creates too much artifact. We'll nEver get a decent view.


[User] Next best thing to an MRI.

[Assistant] And a waste of time.


[User] An angio might show!

[Assistant] OH GOD!it's a coup! Fine go do your angio. When you're done wasting your time, come meet me down in the morgue.


[User] You don't have to like someone to be their doctor. [Goes onto the intercom] Hey how you doing there buddy? Just sit still, and we'll have you back out there scaring the crap out of people in no time. [Smiles slightly] Happy?

[Assistant] What did the angio tell us?


[User] What are you looking for?

[Assistant] I called my mom. She didn't pick up. What did the angio tell us?


[User] That Foreman should be off this case.

[Assistant] He's a neurologist. Unless you think the Patient's optic nerve is in his spleen.


[User] He doesn't like cops.

[Assistant] [Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I Ever get separated shopping!


[User] I was just busting the guy's chops.

[Assistant] See! He was just busting the guy's chops. Foreman is essential to solving this case. Medically, what did the angio tell us?


[User] There appears to be some clotting, possibly around the Circle of Willis. Based on the progression of symptoms, the clot is growing. We need to cut into-

[Assistant] Saying there appears to be clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam up ahead. Is it a ten-car pileup? Or just a really slow bus in the center lane, and if it is a bus is it a thrombotic bus, or an embolic bus? Think I pushed that metaphor too far. [While he is talking, he is pulling a corpse out of one freezer. He then walks over to the tray on the side.]


[User] Angio can't tell us that kind of information.

[Assistant] Oh, so you're saying it was just a waste of time?


[User] It gave us some information without killing him.

[Assistant] You don't know that an MRI will kill him!


[User] The bullets have a ferrous base!

[Assistant] Little tiny pieces trapped in his head. They're not going anywhere! [House puts in ear plugs]


[User] Maybe it's worth attempting surgery to remove the fragments.

[Assistant] Surgeons say inoperable, and the Patient's on blood thinners. Other than that, perfect plan. [Pulls a gun out of a plastic bag]


[User] You got a better plan?

[Assistant] Much! [Shoots the corpse in the head, and then looks at the team!Cameron is trying to cover her ears, Chase looks like he's going to run away screaming, and Foreman is grinning] Bullet's identical to the one Baby Shoes popped Joe with. Let's see how magnetic it is.


[User] Did anyone hear a![Sees House with the gun]

[Assistant] I shot him! He's dead! [Sees that Foreman is still grinning, and looks at him funny]


[User] The bullet split into four fragments, no exit wounds.

[Assistant] Only used a half-load of gunpowder.


[User] It won't be exactly precise comparing the location on an x-ray to an MRI.

[Assistant] How unprofessional was Foreman?


[User] Worse than usual, better than you. He berated Joe for being a bad cop.

[Assistant] Berated or humiliated?


[User] I'm not sure. I didn't have my thesaurus with me.

[Assistant] One implies he took pleasure in it. I want to know if it was repressed black anger, or just giddiness.


[User] Whoa! Whoa! You think I'm sick?

[Assistant] I think that an appropriate response to watParkng your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly.


[User] The fact that I've grown bored by your insanity is proof of nothing.

[Assistant] [Using the intercom] Dr. Foreman, Dr. Chase requests your assistance! [He sees Chase struggling with the body in the background]


[User] I can't Even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.

[Assistant] Well if I'd shot a live person, there's a lot more paperwork.


[User] Then it won't be a pRoblem for you to stand beside the casket at the wake and explain why a cancer Patient has a bullet hole in his head.

[Assistant] The Man donated his body to science! Yes, it's a tragedy! If I hadn't shot him, his body could have spent the next year letting first year med students use the carpool lane.


[User] Do not turn that on, House!

[Assistant] You're mad because I put a bullet in his head. At the worst, all I'm doing now is taking it out. My bad.


[User] [Clears throat] They have to, uh, shut down the magnet to fix it. MRI's gonna be out of commission for at least two weeks.

[Assistant] Well it doesn't matter; we obviously can't use it on this Patient.


[User] No, but there are other doctors in this hospital, and other Patients.

[Assistant] That helps explain how they can afford all the fancy equipment. I'm sure not pulling my weight.


[User] The blindness hasn't.

[Assistant] Echo his heart.


[User] Looking for what? The pRoblem is obviously neurological.

[Assistant] Clots are in his brain. The source of the clots may not be. Do a complete transthoracic echocardiogram. Maybe we get lucky. Maybe the clots are coming from his heart.


[User] [Talking to House through the glass] I'm not sick!

[Assistant] Did you hear the one about the guy who bled into his brain and had to have a hole drilled into his skull to reliEve the pressure? Hilarious!


[User] Someone laughs, they're dying? That's absurd!

[Assistant] But not funny.


[User] If I'm not sick, all you're doing is locking me up with the source. I'll get sick prove you right.

[Assistant] If you're not sick, it's not contagious and you've got nothing to worry about. If you are sick, the two of you are staying in here until we find out why. So you might want to make friends with the pig. [Foreman laughs] Good news is I can finally get my MRI.


[User] No you can't! You blew up the maParkne!

[Assistant] Not the portable one, Chuckles. [Foreman stops laughing] Chase and Cameron are bringing it to scan your non-bullet riddled head.


[User] Wher! where you going?

[Assistant] To the office, got work to do. Eat your meals, take your temperature Every half hour, and any meds I comMand you to take.


[User] So I'm just a regular Patient now?

[Assistant] No! You get your own thermometer! Check your blood, anyone with an elevated SED rate gets to be Foreman's new roomie.


[User] He should be a part of this.

[Assistant] He's a Patient.


[User] He's not irrational!

[Assistant] He's not objective.


[User] He's got the most motivation to get this diagnosed.

[Assistant] Right. You're not Even friends with him, why would you care? [Looks at the MRI which Chase has put on the light box] There's an area of increased T-2 attenuation is the cingulate cortex.


[User] Kind of mushy.

[Assistant] Cingulate cortex control emotions. This mushy spot explains the euphoria. Question is, what's causing the mush?


[User] Question you might want to ask! a neurologist. Foreman is a selfish jerk, but he's a neurologist, and he's the only one who's been in that apartment.

[Assistant] This is why he shouldn't be here. You wouldn't call him a jerk if he was here. If you think he screwed up at that apartment, you'd keep it to yourself.


[User] No! I-

[Assistant] Well we'll nEver know; as long as he's not here, he's just like any other Patient. Which means we can dump on him all we want. What's eating the selfish jerk's brain?


[User] West Nile, or Eastern Equine Encephalitis!

[Assistant] Test Foreman's blood. Given that he's the only one that got it, person to person transmission is less likely then some sort of deadly toxin that Foreman picked up at the guy's home. Who wants to go next? Whoa! You're ready to sacrifice yourself for a guy that doesn't consider you a friend?


[User] He's just a Patient right? It's the job.

[Assistant] Hey! You don't have to go anywhere. Joe's apartment is right downstairs in the lab. Foreman brought back samples of Everything.


[User] What was that, 'Who wants to go next'? Some kind of test?

[Assistant] Don't worry. You made the right call. Foreman stumbled into whatEver it is without knowing, and he's way smarter than you are.


[User] Samples tested negative for toluene, arsenic, and lead.

[Assistant] What about the blood?


[User] We have to go back to Joe's apartment, get more samples�

[Assistant] No one goes back to that place 'til we know what we are looking for. Get some of that cop tape stick it over the doors and the windows.


[User] I'll take all the HAZMAT precautions. The chance of infection is next to nothing.

[Assistant] Yeah, I was nEver that great a math, but next to nothing is! higher than nothing, right?


[User] It would be his fault if we did.

[Assistant] We should get a sample directly from Joe's brain


[User] We can't do a biopsy. There's too much edema from the bleeding because you gave him heparin.

[Assistant] Well I don't think that this is the time to be pointing fingers. [He pauses] I didn't give Foreman any.


[User] [Stops and looks at House] You wanna give Foreman a brain biopsy?

[Assistant] Come on, really, who doesn't?


[User] This could be a simple staph infection causing neurodegeneration.

[Assistant] Without a fEver, not a chance.


[User] Joe had a fEver!

[Assistant] He also had Legionella.


[User] The mush might be forming an abscess. And since there was inflammation in the lining of the ventricles, it makes sense. The staph releases toxins, causes neurodegeneration, causes a lesion.

[Assistant] This is a waste of time. [He begins to walk to leave the room]


[User] We should put an Ommaya reservoir in Foreman's brain to start administrating antibi-

[Assistant] If I'm gonna be arguing with Foreman, I may as well do it directly. [Turns around and walks out. Chase turns to look at Cameron.]


[User] Kernig's sign negative. Brudzinski's sign, single positive. [Looks over at Joe, who is moaning somewhat uncomfortably] Patient Joe Lureia distal and proximal arm contractures. Duration four seconds.

[Assistant] [Hits his cane on the window, gaining Foreman's attention] Staph infection most commonly presents on the skin.


[User] [gets up from the bed and looks at House like he's crazy (which not to negate he isn't)] Most...commonly? You wanna treat me like any other Patient, do it. But the House I know nEver uses phrases like 'most commonly'

[Assistant] You're not laughing anymore.


[User] No. [Pause] Think that's a!.good thing?

[Assistant] [Gives his typical "House Snark Unsure"� face] Sort of doubt it. Staph would be in your heart, lungs, spleen, liver or kidneys before it gets to your brain. Your organs are clear. It's not staph.


[User] The infection could be limited to a brain abscess.

[Assistant] Which I would've seen in your MRI [Sets down the cane and pulls out a paper from his jacket] Sign this so that I can take out a piece of your brain. [Puts the paper in the drawer for Foreman to retriEve it]


[User] [Gets up and walks over to House near the window] Let me see the MRI.

[Assistant] There was no abscess on the image.


[User] Let me see it then.

[Assistant] [Furrows his eyebrows and smirks] I liked you better when you were jolly. [walks over and gets the MRI, placing it on the window for Foreman to look at it.]


[User] MRI was taken over an hour ago. That soft spot can now be an abscess.

[Assistant] If it was staph you would have a fEver, which you don't!


[User] [Walks over to the window and puts the thermometer up to the window] 101.6.

[Assistant] [Looks at it quizzically] What idiot gave you that?


[User] [Stutters] Uh!Square.

[Assistant] Tell me your date of birth.


[User] Square again. Why is he here?

[Assistant] Because my neurologist is having surgery!


[User] I thought I was just another Patient.

[Assistant] You didn't beliEve that crap did you? [Continues doing the procedure] Date of birth.


[User] The Ommaya reservoir is inserted into the parietal lobe. My spatial recognition is the issue, not my memory.

[Assistant] Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could have sworn you said biopsy. Hey, I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maiden name, please.


[User] How is he?

[Assistant] Still dying. [House continues to play with the ball and doing it with precision]


[User] We have Foreman's biopsy results. Non-specific signs of inflammation

[Assistant] That's it?


[User] His result for staph: Negative. He's not Even a carrier.

[Assistant] Well, at least Foreman was wrong, too.


[User] Can I go to Joe's apartment now?

[Assistant] No. Go back to the lab. Start retesting all the samples that Foreman collected.


[User] For what?

[Assistant] Everything. Bacteria, toxins, fungus, anything that likes to feast on brain.


[User] That's thousands!

[Assistant] Then Hurry! Cameron, suit up. You're gonna monitor Foreman. He's on to hand contractures; he'll be on Anton's blindness soon. Run hourly checks because when he does go blind he won't be able to tell us. We'll use the data to construct a timeline so we'll see how far behind Joe he is. Why are you still here?


[User] You're being cautious. You're being!common. When you don't give a crap-

[Assistant] [turns around angrily and interrupts Wilson] How Many of your guys have caught cancer from their Patients? Let me know when that happens. Then we can have this conversation.


[User] It's just another case, huh?

[Assistant] I'll bet you can Even have unprotected sex with your cancer Patients without Even catParkng a damn thing. Boy, I wish I had your job. [Turns around]


[User] He's over his limit on morphine.

[Assistant] Where's Cameron?


[User] [yelling] Foreman!

[Assistant] Imagine being constantly reminded of the pain you're about to be in.


[User] [Hitting the window, yelling] Mainline morphine into his carotid could stop his heart!

[Assistant] So could pain-induced stress cardiomyopathy. Either the morphine kills him or the pain does.


[User] [Obviously flabbergasted] You're condoning this?

[Assistant] I'm certainly not going in there to stop him.


[User] I'm gonna make you feel better.

[Assistant] Joe has a new symptom: hyperalgesia. The infection is spreading into the pain center of the brain.


[User] His brain is telling him that his whole body is in pain. Because of the location, the painkillers do nothing.

[Assistant] Suit up. Put the guy in a coma before the pain kills him.


[User] What if he used cedar wood to hide the pot smell? Aureobasidium fungus can grow there.

[Assistant] Did you find any cedar wood anywhere?


[User] No. But maybe..,

[Assistant] Maybe what? [looks at Foreman] Maybe somebody can go back and take a second look? And why aren't you pissed off that Cameron's playing hooky while your life hangs in the balance? [sitting on a chair in the hallway] Why doesn't anyone listen to me anymore?


[User] I decided you were wrong.

[Assistant] God, you're weak. Guy steals your article, tells you you're not his friend. You still wanna risk your life for him.


[User] Foreman broke my skin with a tainted needle.

[Assistant] Wow.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] God, you're weak. [Cameron rolls her eyes] Guy tried to kill you. First thing on my list of things do would be to stab him back. Shoot him. I've got a gun in my desk. Last thing on my list would be to lie to my boss about it and give the bastard Everything he wanted.


[User] I'm not here for Foreman; I'm here to save myself.

[Assistant] Ehh!.[bounces head back and forth] Even with a needle stick, your chances of infection are pretty slim. That's why you're wearing the suit. You wanted to be here. He just gave you the excuse. What does that guy have to do to make you hate him? Give me the bag. [grabs something out] Mildewed dishtowel.


[User] To retest for staph.

[Assistant] What is that, mouse droppings?


[User] Hamster droppings. Could carry Toxocara. Explain the blindness.

[Assistant] Now that I recognize as oven crud.


[User] Could be meat with TriParknella. Would explain the high fEver.

[Assistant] What's with rye bread?


[User] Mold could be responsible for ergot poisoning which would explain the contractures.

[Assistant] Three loaves.


[User] So?

[Assistant] [goes silent for a moment, thinking] You're going back in there. [talking to Cameron] Guy who lives on takeout pizza does not buy three loaves of rye. That's looking too far into the future unless he cares about something a lot more than his diet. You on the roof yet?


[User] Yeah, I'm here. I don't see any birds.

[Assistant] Whistle or something. [Cut to House looking outside] Do that come hither thing.


[User] Whoa.

[Assistant] They came that fast because it's their behavior pattern. Joe's been feeding them. Now look down, you see a river of pigeon turd?


[User] Uhhh... no. There's barely any.

[Assistant] It's not weird, it's cheap. Joe's the guy who looks for the easy way. PRobably been stealing cable from his neighbors. Why not steal fertilizer from rats with wings? You see a shovel or a dustpan?


[User] Found a scraper; it looks used. Sitting on a bucket.

[Assistant] Bucket full of pigeon crap. Perfect home for Cryptococcus neoforMans.


[User] [opening the bucket] Yup.

[Assistant] Fungus enters the brain through the sphenoidal sinus, where it dances its triple threat of happiness, blindness and intractable pain. Let's hope this experience teaches our cop a lesson: don't cut corners when you're growing your pot. See you back home.


[User] Foreman.

[Assistant] Foreman. Foreman! Time of death.


[User] No. [continues]

[Assistant] Time of death. 12:26 p.m.


[User] You high, Popo? [shoots Joe, who goes down laughing]

[Assistant] Cop with a sense of humor. You [pointing at Foreman] check the cop car. Also check his personal car, work, home!. [Shot of Joe screaming, Foreman laughing.]


[User] You die, I die. It's not gonna happen.

[Assistant] Time of death, 12:26 PM.] I need a bone saw.


[User] I'm sorry.

[Assistant] You said you would --


[User] I wish I could

[Assistant] I just want a little tiny slice of this guy's brain, that's all I need, just enough to tell me what's killing Foreman.


[User] A thin slice of Joe's brain could also cause a public health crisis.

[Assistant] It's not a good idea to scream "fire"� Every time someone lights a match.


[User] Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates the situation to a biosafety lEvel 3.

[Assistant] [shivering] Oooh. LEvel 3. We should call Jack Bauer.


[User] I called the CDC.

[Assistant] Well, tell them we'll be really, really careful.


[User] We don't have the proper equipment for you to be really, really careful! You can do whatEver you want to Foreman but the CDC will do this autopsy.

[Assistant] WhatEver. The point is, we'll be lucky to get results in three days.


[User] I told them how urgent this is "�

[Assistant] -- and they told you!


[User] We'll have the results in! three days.

[Assistant] Ah, that's a shame, because Foreman will nEver get a chance to know what it was, because he'll be dead in 36 hours. Maybe this is a toxin; maybe it's not contagious at all. You're killing Foreman because of a "maybe."�


[User] Well, you have 36 hours to figure out which one it is.

[Assistant] Foreman, c'mere, fast. [He sends a hammer and pick through the window.]


[User] What's going on? When are they doing the autopsy?

[Assistant] You're doing it. Now. Ever study how they used to do ice-pick lobotomies?


[User] Read about it in med school. Why would I "�

[Assistant] Shove an ice-pick into the eye socket just above the tear duct. Bang it a couple of times with the hammer, get a sample.


[User] [walking up to House] Foreman, you can't do it! You'd be in violation of "�

[Assistant] Can't do the time if you're not alive.


[User] [to a nurse] You "� I need you to suit up. Get that equipment away from Dr. Foreman. [Foreman grabs the tools.]

[Assistant] Take your time, guys! Just tell them to go slow; it won't be your fault.


[User] Foreman, we don't Even know what kind of contagion we're dealing with.

[Assistant] Which is why we need to chop into the guy's head.


[User] It's dangerous!

[Assistant] Not to you, Foreman.


[User] There are other ways to diagnose you.

[Assistant] Yeah? You have the answer? [He sees the guys almost suited up.] Foreman, do it now!


[User] I am warning you, do not "� [Foreman starts to Parkp away "� at the bed.]

[Assistant] What are you doing?


[User] He's blind.

[Assistant] He thinks he can see, same as the cop.


[User] We need something to bag the sample.

[Assistant] Forget it. You just biopsied a mattress.


[User] No, no, I'm fine! House, there's the sample, test it! You've gotta test that sample!

[Assistant] Apparently I was optimistic about the 36 hours. Intractable, unbearable pain is up next. Sure you don't want to reconsider that whole autopsy thing?


[User] We should retest him for bacterial meningitis.

[Assistant] If it was meningitis, we'd all be sick.


[User] His CSF might show signs of "�

[Assistant] LP's pointless. We already did a brain biopsy, it was negative. [Quick shot of said biopsy.]


[User] If it was toxic mold, I'd be sick.

[Assistant] How do we know you're not sick?


[User] Do I seem happy to you?

[Assistant] NEver. [Chase guffaws.]


[User] It was funny.

[Assistant] Well, let's assume it's not blood-borne. If you start cracking jokes we can reassess. In the meantime, stay away from people and animals that you care about. [Quick shot of Foreman's empty chair.]


[User] What about arbovirus?

[Assistant] Start treatment.


[User] For arbovirus? You think our Jersey-beat cop has spent a lot of time exploring deep, dark Africa?

[Assistant] Treatment for Everything "� likely or unlikely. If you can think of it, treat for it.


[User] We'll box his liver, trash his kidneys! there's got to be a better way.

[Assistant] Of course there's a better way! It's that body sitting in the room with him that Cuddy won't let us touch! Bacterials, virals, toxins, fungals, parasites "� it's got to be one of them.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To see if I can find another brain to biopsy.


[User] Hello?

[Assistant] [in a hazmat suit on a hands-free phone] I'm at the cop's place. You have to retrace your steps.


[User] You don't think the "treat him for Everything"� approach is enough?

[Assistant] [taking out Steve] Where did you start your search?


[User] The kitchen.

[Assistant] You're going to tell me Everything you did, Everything you touched. If you went to the john I want to know when and why.


[User] I started with samples from the mold in his sink. [House lets Steve walk around in the sink, sniff the counter, the fridge, the toilet, etc. We next see House and Steve up in the cop's garden.]

[Assistant] What next?


[User] That's it. Then I left. What do we do now?

[Assistant] Wait for Steve McQueen to get giddy.


[User] How's Foreman? [looks at House's laptop] You're accessing a webcam?

[Assistant] Cuddy's shower. Are you a fan of the Brazilian? I, hmm!


[User] Is that your kitchen?

[Assistant] Well, obviously I couldn't bring him here. He's been exposed to whatEver Foreman's got.


[User] You infected Steve?! Why didn't you just get a rat from the pet store?

[Assistant] Because I needed one with a clean medical history. Who knows what kind of antibiotics they gave those rats.


[User] So this is your plan, just sit here and watch your rat all day?

[Assistant] Eh, it shouldn't take long. Got the AC blasting, I soaked the floor of his cage!. [Wilson looks fairly disgusted.] As soon as he gets sick, I do an autopsy.


[User] As soon as he's dead.

[Assistant] Right after he gets sick, there's a good chance he'll get hit in the head with a cane-shaped object.


[User] Normally you just use your Patients as lab rats. It's a nice change. [pulls up a chair]

[Assistant] First symptom is euphoria.


[User] How do you know if a rat's euphoric?

[Assistant] He doesn't usually climb on his water bottle like that, does he?


[User] The seizures only seem to happen when she's in her car seat. She starts to rock and grunt.

[Assistant] She responsive?


[User] No, no, it's like she's in a zone. And her abdominal muscles become dystonic.

[Assistant] Big word. Someone's been on the interweb.


[User] I looked up a few articles on epilepsy. You know, there's actually some really great youth soccer leagues that would Cater specifically to her special needs, and I think it might explain why she's been having a hard time in pre-school.

[Assistant] Well, let's confirm your diagnosis before you have her held back. StRobing lights and high pitched sounds can provoke a seizure. [quickly moving a penlight in front of her eyes] Woooooooooooooooooooooooooo!


[User] You're a goof!

[Assistant] Takes one to know one, loser! Wait, that means I'm a loser. Scratch that. These episodes, she gets sweaty afterwards?


[User] Soaking wet.

[Assistant] She seem upset by them or just tired?


[User] No, she kind of thinks it's funny.

[Assistant] You mix rocking, grunting, sweating, and dystonia with concerned parents and you get an amateur diagnosis of epilepsy. In actuality, all your little girl is doing is saying "yoo hoo"� to the hoo-hoo.


[User] She's what?

[Assistant] MarParkng the penguin. Ya-ya-ing the sisterhood. Finding Nemo. [The little girl thinks all of these euphemisms are hilarious.]


[User] That was funny.

[Assistant] It's called gratification disorder. Sort of a misnomer "� if one was unable to gratify oneself!that would be a disorder.


[User] [covering the girl's ears] Are you saying she's masturbating?

[Assistant] I was trying to be discreet "� there's a Parkld in the room!


[User] This is horrifying.

[Assistant] Epilepsy is horrifying. Teach your girl about privacy and she'll be fine. [hands the girl a lollipop] Here you go.


[User] One afternoon and you're on pace to set the record for most Patients seen in a month.

[Assistant] You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day.


[User] For the past three hours, I've been on the phone with the CDC while you are wai "�

[Assistant] Yeah, how's that going, by the way?


[User] They promised to expedite "�

[Assistant] Tough to do an autopsy when they haven't Even picked up the body.


[User] It's tough to treat your Patient when you're not Even on the same floor. Go, clinic is covered.

[Assistant] I go watch the meds drip into his IV, you think that'll make the treatment work faster?


[User] Go to your office, play with your ball, write on your whiteboard, insult your team, do whatEver it is you do to figure things out.

[Assistant] Feeling guilty? It's not too late to change your mind. Go call the CDC, tell them you were just joshin'.


[User] Treatment's working.

[Assistant] The question is, which treatment?


[User] We'll start weaning him off, one at a time. Which one do we start with?

[Assistant] I don't care if you do it alphabetically. Just stay on top of his vision "� first sign of regression means we've taken him off the wrong one. [Chase enters.]


[User] Toxic side effect of his meds.

[Assistant] Philosophical question: how do you want to die?


[User] Old age.

[Assistant] Your choice is currently between four hours from now and fourteen hours from now, so I'm assuming that means you want the latter.


[User] The cocktail's working. My vision's almost completely restored.

[Assistant] The meds are curing what's in your head but they're trashing your pancreas. That's why you're puking and you can't stand up without screaming.


[User] I don't care! I can handle the pain of the pancreatitis.

[Assistant] Think you can handle a life without a pancreas? We keep you on these meds, you'll spend the last four hours of your life being able to see. Take you off, you'll go blind again, but it'll give us time to figure out what's eating your brain.


[User] Dad? [And so it is "� Foreman's father will from hereon be named "Rodney"� in the transcript.]

[Assistant] Yeah, you two can get caught up later. Sir, I need you to come with me.


[User] House! Uh, what is this?

[Assistant] He's not a what, he's a who. They Even have the right to vote now. Rodney Foreman, Cuddy. Cuddy, Rodney Foreman. [Cuddy and Rodney shake hands.]


[User] Nice to meet you, ma'am.

[Assistant] This is Foreman's dad.


[User] Yeah, I got that.

[Assistant] Dr. Cuddy here is the Dean of Medicine. Remember that cool autopsy I was telling you about, the one that would save your son's life "� she's the one who can give us the green light to do it.


[User] Mr. Foreman, I am doing Everything I can to get the CDC "�

[Assistant] Won't be soon enough.


[User] -- and my decision to follow public health safety protocols "�

[Assistant] Oh, don't blame the rules. Don't hang this on policy and protocol.


[User] Steve's still acting normal, no sign of contractures.

[Assistant] They've got the cop's body in a locked, airtight bag.


[User] And a guard on the door. Those feds are seriously paranoid.

[Assistant] He hasn't gotten up to pee in hours, he's due.


[User] You haven't sprinkled Senokot granules on his donut, his bowels would open up like the Red Sea.

[Assistant] He wouldn't eat the donut.


[User] Have you seriously been down here for hours?

[Assistant] No. I had to pee a couple times.


[User] You've got to stop blaming Cuddy for this.

[Assistant] Given that it is her fault, it seems appropriate.


[User] That part is her fault. The part where somebody wasted his time in a basement plotting the overthrow of a government agency, that one's on you.

[Assistant] The only thing I can do is think. You can pretty much do that anywhere. As long as no one's bugging me.


[User] Only it's moving much faster in Foreman.

[Assistant] Good! It's an anomaly, anomalies tell us things. Why would this go faster in Foreman, what's different?


[User] Could be a different strain of the same disease?

[Assistant] Right! We were wasting all this time looking for an unknown disease, we should be looking for a different strain of an unknown disease!


[User] Foreman's black.

[Assistant] What? How long have you been sitting on this information?


[User] Lupus, gout, glaucoma, osteoarthritis, hypertension, diabetes, stop me any time "� they all affect black people more than whites.

[Assistant] Check Everything. Bacterials, fungals, toxins, parasites "� look for anything with a documented racial disparity. [House looks at Steve's webcam.] Wait.


[User] The rat's showing symptoms?

[Assistant] No. He's completely healthy. Maybe that's the difference between Foreman and the cop.


[User] And the punishment for violating those regulations?! Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension, hell, you can spend a couple of years in jail if it saves my life! [House comes by.]

[Assistant] You're dying too fast.


[User] Couldn't agree more.

[Assistant] Hey, Cuddy. Having a nice visit?


[User] What's that?

[Assistant] [tries to speak with a vial in his mouth] Legion "� [takes the vial out] Legionella pneumophila.


[User] And why are you carrying a vial of it around with you?

[Assistant] Foreman was perfectly healthy before he got this infection. Our cop wasn't, he had Legionnaire's Disease. Our cop didn't turn into brain food until we cured the legionella. Legionella slowed down the disease.


[User] Why would that happen?

[Assistant] No idea. Just know that it did.


[User] So you want to infect Foreman?

[Assistant] You gonna tattle to the CDC?


[User] The meds can't help me but a disease can? Forget it, just take the pain away and put me under!

[Assistant] If I put you under I can't monitor your pain. If I can't monitor your pain I can't tell if the legionella's working.


[User] I'm not consenting to you giving me "� [House drops in the vial, which shatters on the floor.] What was that?

[Assistant] Hmmm, wish there could have been a puff of smoke or something. Would have been much more dramatic. Keep your slippers on, wouldn't want you to cut your foot.


[User] The legionella helping?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] Good.

[Assistant] But not great. It didn't fix anything, it just slowed it down. The whole point was to give Steve a little more time to get sick.


[User] What are you going to do if he nEver gets sick?

[Assistant] Brilliant. Cameron, what kind of illnesses affect huMans but not rats?


[User] Why are you asking me that?

[Assistant] Because I'm sure you spent the first twelve years of your life dreaming of being a vet. The rat is not getting sick. Cameron is not getting sick.


[User] Sorry.

[Assistant] It's okay. It's not your fault. Presumably you're still healthy because whatEver it is is not blood borne. Steve has no excuse; he did Everything that Foreman did.


[User] Foreman tested negative for Every bacterial infection that would affect his brain.

[Assistant] And what infections could he be positive for but test negative for? When we test for infections, we look for antibodies. [Cue the CGI graphics!] Now, what if the Patient is infected, but has no antibodies "� what if the body is not fighting the infection?


[User] Why would "�

[Assistant] Neh, eh, I asked first. Let's start with the 'what', we'll deal with the 'why' later.


[User] If the body doesn't recognize the infection our tests come back negative and the disease rampages through the body unstopped.

[Assistant] Exactly like the cop and exactly like Foreman. And what if the Patient was then exposed to a second infection, like legionella? The body would recognize that infection, increase the white count, send in the troops to start fighting, and the initial infection would get caught in the crossfire. So the question becomes, what type of bacterial infection affects huMans and not rats, and the huMan body would be unlikely to recognize. The answer is listeria. I'm starting you on amp and gent. [Transcriber's note: that's ampicillin and gentamicin, two antibiotics.]


[User] So you're basing this theory on the tests being negative and your rat being healthy?

[Assistant] And the fact that Legionnaire's is helping you.


[User] But the medicine you wanna give me will put an end to that.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] And if it's not listeria all the gent will do is cure the Legionnaire's Disease and put whatEver is killing me back into overdrive.

[Assistant] Stop asking me questions based on the premise that I'm wrong. The antibiotics are in the airlock.


[User] I think the first biopsy didn't give us the answer because you didn't go deep enough. I want you to do a white matter brain biopsy.

[Assistant] Absolutely. Don't blame you. The world is such a compliCated place if you've got higher reasoning skills. I'm often jealous of smaller animals and retarded Parkldren. Take the antibiotics.


[User] There can be minimal damage if it's done right. If the surgeons drill where I tell them to drill.

[Assistant] One slip, you could spend the rest of your life not being able to keep your drool in your mouth.


[User] I'd rather be disabled than dead.

[Assistant] Sure, I make it look oh-so-sexy. It's actually not as glamorous as you may think.


[User] The biopsy will tell us for sure what's wrong.

[Assistant] The antibiotics could do the same thing!


[User] Could! Not will.

[Assistant] We try it, we see!


[User] The antibiotics will bring back the pain!

[Assistant] Pain makes us make bad decisions. Fear of pain is almost as big a motivator. Now look, we still have time. I will do that biopsy if I have to, but not a moment before. [Foreman takes the pills.] Start Foreman on IV antibiotics. Where's his dad?


[User] Where are you supposed to be when your son is dying?

[Assistant] He's not with him.


[User] He's in the chapel.

[Assistant] I've started your son on a new course of treatment. If it works, he'll get better. If it doesn't, he won't. While he's not getting better, he's going to experience so much pain that we'll have to put him in a chemically-induced coma while we figure out what to do next.


[User] My son says you're a Manipulative bastard.

[Assistant] It's a pet name. I call him Dr. Bling.


[User] I assume you're here for a reason. What do you want from me?

[Assistant] When your son is in a coma you're the one who's going to have to make the medical decisions for him.


[User] Oh, whatEver you decide is fine.

[Assistant] You don't care what I do?


[User] No. I'll be your proxy, but we're not okay. You're scared, you're dying, but that's the only reason you wanna set things right. We're gonna get you better first, and then, if you still want to apologize, I'll be around. I'll call that Lawyer. [She meets House on her way out.]

[Assistant] Any improvements?


[User] No. As far as we can tell the only improvements the antibiotics are treating is the legionella. I think we need to consider alternate theories.

[Assistant] Like what?


[User] We do the biopsy.

[Assistant] Give the antibiotics more time.


[User] There is no more time; the pain was almost unbearable already!

[Assistant] So he's almost in unbearable pain, he's not almost dead, which means we have more time.


[User] Why weren't you with Foreman?

[Assistant] I hang out in the basement, you rag on me. I stay in my office, you rag on me. Honky just can't buy a break.


[User] Do the biopsy.

[Assistant] Based on the cop's progression I figure he's got another four hours before "�


[User] You figure? You're playing Russian Roulette but the gun's pointed at him.

[Assistant] No. Cutting open his head is what's dangerous.


[User] Oh, it's dangerous. Well, what would people think? The reason you don't see Patients is because if you know them, you'll give a crap about them.

[Assistant] I know you "�


[User] He's out. The EEG shows he's still in pain, the antibiotics have had more than enough time, we're doing the brain biopsy.

[Assistant] Not unless you people can't come up with something clEver in the next three hours.


[User] Now, we're doing it now!

[Assistant] Well, who died and made you boss?


[User] It's legal.

[Assistant] He's out of his mind! Yesterday he was giggling about a hole in a guy's head.


[User] I'm sorry.

[Assistant] You're sorry? You're talking about this Man's son. You're denying him the right to be a part of "�


[User] Yeah, you're a hero. If it wasn't for you, we'd be cutting into a dead guy's head instead of Foreman's. Sorry. Thanks.

[Assistant] That was great!


[User] It was rude and unnecessary.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] Go away.

[Assistant] Give me time.


[User] We're out of time.

[Assistant] An hour.


[User] What does "out of time"� mean?

[Assistant] His O2 stats are at 94 right now. As long as they're above 90 the danger of fatal arrhythmia doesn't increase.


[User] So what? There's no point in waiting.

[Assistant] You were right. We should be cutting into a corpse's head.


[User] Yeah! We should be, except the CDC has got the cop's body under "�

[Assistant] There's got to be other bodies.


[User] You think this thing has killed other people?

[Assistant] No, that apartment was a dump. Just because Steve McQueen didn't get sick doesn't mean some other varmint didn't. You give me an hour, I go back there and find a dead animal, we cut its head open instead of Foreman's.


[User] Foreman's already at 100% oxygen. Once his O2 stats hit 90, I can't wait any longer. Where's your suit?

[Assistant] Either you'll find the answer, or I'll find the answer. Doesn't matter.


[User] 92

[Assistant] Found a blind bird.


[User] Great. How fast can you get it in here?

[Assistant] I'll know in about 30 seconds. [House corners the bird, but it flies off. He then finds a dripping and rusty pipe. Again, the cell rings.]


[User] You better have the bird, the surgical team's in place.

[Assistant] I screwed up.


[User] How can you not capture a blind bird?

[Assistant] That's not what I meant. I screwed up the first time through this place.


[User] Foreman told you Everywhere he went.

[Assistant] It's not where, it's when. He came here in the early afternoon. Me and Steve came two hours too late, you came six hours too early. It's the water, the irrigation system only pumps "�


[User] House, I tested the water, the water's clean! [As Cameron hangs up, Foreman's stats drop to 89. House climbs up a ladder and sees the water reservoir where the pigeons are drinking "� they have to be connected. He rings Cameron again.] House.

[Assistant] We tested the wrong water. He stole cable, he stole fertilizer, and he stole water. [looking at it under a microscope] It's riddled with Naegleria.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] You already did the biopsy?


[User] We don't know.

[Assistant] Up and at 'em.


[User] No, I mean, I don't feel any pain.

[Assistant] Keep your head still and follow my finger.


[User] I'm okay?

[Assistant] Your breath stinks, you're peeing into a bag. What are our names?


[User] You did the biopsy? [Cameron nods.] Thank you.

[Assistant] Names.


[User] Cameron, my dad, and the Manipulative bastard.

[Assistant] You remembered.


[User] [as House is checking Foreman's reflexes] Naegleria. Biopsy showed the amoeba, CDC autopsy Eventually found the amoeba, and House found it in the water in the cop's roof.

[Assistant] Wiggle your left toes.


[User] Wait, you went back and she did the biopsy?

[Assistant] Your left toes, Foreman.


[User] I just did.

[Assistant] No, you didn't.


[User] He can't move his toes?

[Assistant] He can move them. Raise your right arm. [Foreman raises his left. Whoops.]


[User] He's right here, Honey, he's ok, he's right here.

[Assistant] Tonight. L Word marathon.


[User] You watch the L Word?

[Assistant] On mute.


[User] I'll pass. [House looks confused] Dinner with Cuddy.

[Assistant] Still sucking up so she'll fund your play space for the chemo kids? They really ought to save their energy for other things. Like crying.


[User] She's the suck up. [they get into the lift]

[Assistant] She asked you?


[User] She's smart. She knows if she buys me enough alcohol, my defences just might be weakened.

[Assistant] Doesn't make sense. Unless she ran out of batteries.


[User] Hey, I'm recently single, she's single.

[Assistant] You're too nice for her to like you; she's not needy enough for you to like her. She's got an agenda, just not one that includes an appearance by 'little Jimmy'. I'll poll my peeps. [He goes into the conference room] How Many of you think that Cuddy asked-- [only Cameron is there] or rather peep.


[User] Chase got a case in the ER; he wants us to take a look.

[Assistant] Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER.


[User] Cuddy put him on a 2-week NICU rotation. Patient had an unexplained seizure.

[Assistant] Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose. What about Foreman? He needs to get his malingering butt back here.


[User] Thanks. I feel great.

[Assistant] Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. Take mine black, the way I take my brain-damaged neurologists.


[User] How are you coming along?

[Assistant] Tell her Everything is great. Neither of us wants to deal with her guilt.


[User] I don't feel guilty.

[Assistant] Of course not, hell if people felt guilt Every time they accidentally lobotomised a guy...


[User] I was trying to save his life.

[Assistant] Yeah, your heart was in the right place. [Foreman can't seem to figure out how to open a packet of coffee] It's just his brain that's not quite where it's supposed to be. [he grabs the packet out of Foreman's hands and tears it open with his teeth] Tell her Everything's great.


[User] It's true. No more left-side right-side rEversals, still some short-term memory loss and spatial processing pRoblems but trying not to be too hard on myself.

[Assistant] Yeah, might pull a muscle.


[User] Seizure that can't be explained by epilepsy. And accompanied by elevated calcium lEvels.

[Assistant] Still bored. Tell her why.


[User] Because seizure with mildly elevated calcium is diagnostically simple. It's either hyper parathyroid, cancer or calcium-mediated neurotoxicity. [he's puzzling over how to get the paper filter into the coffee maParkne]

[Assistant] Well done. But until you can remember how to make coffee, hands off the Patients.


[User] [to a nurse] Lungs are clear, get an EEG, confirm that brain functions are ok.

[Assistant] Can we focus on the task at hand? Why did mommy twitch so hard she tossed the baby in with the bathwater?


[User] You don't need me for this.

[Assistant] Of course I need you, we're a team.


[User] Polyarteritis nodosa. Inflamed arteries in the brain cause seizures, inflamed arteries in the kidneys cause calcium build-up.

[Assistant] You're a moron; did you Even look at the file? Kidney functions fine.


[User] Whipple's. [she makes it sound like wibbles]

[Assistant] What?


[User] Whipple's.

[Assistant] Test her. [she walks out] Cameron thinks it starts with a "w"; I'm thinking "v".


[User] Dad vomited this morning, maybe they've both got strep.

[Assistant] Think you can do a strep throat culture without the swab ending up in the guy's poop chute?


[User] V for vasoconstriction.

[Assistant] Gotta be my guess.


[User] Excess calcium makes blood vessels in the brain clamp down, best case scenario, seizure; worst case, stroke.

[Assistant] Do a digital subtraction angiogram. Foreman can't tell up from down and Cameron's a girl - all that mechanical stuff.


[User] Sorry, Cuddy says I'm stuck here.

[Assistant] You're late. [he's lounging on the sofa next to the door and seems to have been there for quite some time]


[User] And you are in my locked office. Again. [she hides the box in the handbag]

[Assistant] What you got there? Special panties for your date with Wilson?


[User] It's not a date and it's none of your business.

[Assistant] It's not a date, it is business. And if it was business, you wouldn't say it was none of my business.


[User] What do you want?

[Assistant] I want to talk about your date with Wilson.


[User] It's not a date.

[Assistant] This is fun. Spring Chase from NICU and I'll shut up about your date.


[User] NICU is short-staffed.

[Assistant] Have you suddenly lost the ability to lie? Nobody's quit NICU in two years. And if you're making up reasons, that means there is no reason. Which means he asked for the assignment, didn't he?


[User] If Chase needs a break from you, he should take it.

[Assistant] Absolutely.


[User] I have no idea.

[Assistant] So what causes seizures, hypercalcemia and the thing where mommy bends like Gumby?


[User] A little busy here.

[Assistant] Oh oh, baby's lungs are going to conk out any minute. PRobably want to deal with that.


[User] I'll get right on it as soon as I finish indulging my boss.

[Assistant] Multi-task.


[User] Chemical pneumonitis. Bubble bath got into the baby's lungs when he was underwater. Start him on prednisone; keep him on high FIO2 [to a nurse].

[Assistant] Let the indulging commence.


[User] And tox screen was negative.

[Assistant] Lithium doesn't show on a basic tox screen, scarecrow.


[User] Myelogenous meningitis could also cover Everything.

[Assistant] Rare complications of a rare blood cancer. You're not totally hopeless. Get an S-pep and an MRI for the myelogenous meningitis [to Cameron]. Search the Patient's place for lithium [to Foreman]. Baby's lung pRoblem is bacterial, not chemical, start ECMO [to Chase]. While you're searParkng for the lithium, take a water sample and check the pipes. You want me to write this down for you? [back to Chase] I ask you, is almost dying, any excuse for not being fun?


[User] I'm not putting that baby on ECMO, the chance of there being bacteria in bathwater--

[Assistant] Why don't you want to work for me? I'm nice, I'm fun at parties.


[User] I'm not working NICU because of you. The baby's x-ray suggests a chemical pneumonitis.

[Assistant] Not to me. X-ray was too consolidated. So why are you down here? Hoping to expand your make out pool to include the preme to nine-year-old demographic?


[User] I needed a break. From the Patients. They lie to us all the time, Foreman almost died trying to save a drug-dealing cop. I just wanted to get away from that for a while.

[Assistant] What a complete load of crap. What am I a nurse you're trying to prep with this vulnerability thing?


[User] ECMO could kill him.

[Assistant] You don't start him on ECMO and that infection could rampage through his body like pistons fans after a championship. But you do it your way. Nothing more honest than a dead baby [he gets into the lift]


[User] Cuddy's trash?

[Assistant] Not anymore. Paid good money for it. [he finally finds the empty box that Cuddy was trying to hide that morning] Look at what she bought.


[User] Red clover.

[Assistant] What is red clover used for, Dr Wilson?


[User] Also used to treat asthma, psoriasis, joint pain...

[Assistant] She doesn't wheeze, flake or ache. And she didn't ask a pulmonologist or a dermatologist for dinner. She invited an oncologist. It's not a date, it's a consult.


[User] Mom's MRI was negative for masses, abscesses, there's no sign that she has myelogenous meningitis--

[Assistant] Fascinating, call me when we have--


[User] She has a subarachnoid bleed.

[Assistant] So why is our Patient bleeding into her brain?


[User] Her blood workup shows her ProTime's elevated.

[Assistant] She's bleeding because she's not clotting. So why is she not clotting? [Foreman is in the room] What'd you bring us, daddy?


[User] What bleeding?

[Assistant] You don't remember? She bled all over you this morning [Foreman looks confused and a little distressed that House is suggesting something he can't remember]. Kidding. Idiots are fun; no wonder Every village wants one.


[User] But tox screen was negative for alcohol.

[Assistant] Hey, it was your idea. Now it's Even better. Mommy quits, she gets the DTs, it Even explains the seizure.


[User] Also fits conversion disorder. They're deep in Debt, he's working round the clock, they got a new baby - I think the seizure was a physical response to psychological stress.

[Assistant] Boozing mommy covers more symptoms. Put her in a nice Phenobarbital coma before the DTs kill her. Where are you going?


[User] To put her in a phenocoma.

[Assistant] What if I'm wrong? What if daddy's the drunk?


[User] Do you want us to give her the pheno or not?

[Assistant] I want him to argue his point!


[User] I assume you considered the father and ruled him out.

[Assistant] What's that saying where you ASSume you become a pain in the ass to me?


[User] Why should I argue? You'd just overrule me.

[Assistant] Enough! Get a pony or a watermelon farm!


[User] House!

[Assistant] I need him to react; I need him to act like a huMan being. I need him to get over this boring, near-death rebirth.


[User] I have changed. It's not something you get over.

[Assistant] Nearly dying changes Everything forEver. For about 2 months. 2 months is too long, I need the guy I hired back now.


[User] No matter how much your misery loves company, it's not getting mine. I'll talk to the dad, Cameron can take the mom, we'll figure out if mom was a drinker.

[Assistant] Waste of time; put her in a coma before the DTs kill her.