[User] She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!

[Assistant] Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you?


[User] She's scared.

[Assistant] But not of tests. Just embarrassing ones.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] It's not an inflammatory process, it's not a clot because Chase's angio says so, and it's not cancer because her toosh is perfect. Anybody else got an Aunt ELisawith weird stuff? [He looks at the angiogram.]


[User] Maybe it's worth looking into "�

[Assistant] I thought you said Carly's angio was clean.


[User] It was clean. [House puts the scans up on his light board.]

[Assistant] You guys see the pRoblem here? [Foreman gets up to get a closer look.]


[User] There's no indication of any abnormalities. No lesions, no spurs, no masses "�

[Assistant] Her toes are screwed up. They're backwards. Do you guys know how much surgery it's going to take to swap them back?


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] Either she literally has two left feet or you angio-ed the wrong leg.


[User] [gets up to look] That's impossible. It can't be the wrong "�

[Assistant] Or maybe it was Jenny! How come some resident signed this radiology form? Were you Even in the room?


[User] I'll redo her angio straight away "�

[Assistant] You'll do nothing! Foreman, you do the angiogram. [Foreman leaves.]


[User] Foreman did a thoracentesis to drain the fluid from her lungs. They sent the fluid to the lab, it'll be back in a few hours. You'll be happy to know that Chase's mistake didn't cost her. Angio rEvealed no clot.

[Assistant] I'm thrilled. [Cameron leaves. House is still staring at the white board. While thinking, he twirls his cane, throws his ball!. He ends up erasing the board with Carly's physical symptoms, and starts to write her psych symptoms.]


[User] Okay, see, now you're just being stubborn. It's cold, perfectly good excuse to wear your lab coat.

[Assistant] Carly needs a heart transplant.


[User] Thoracentesis rEvealed a transudate?

[Assistant] Haven't gotten it back yet.


[User] Her MUGA scan, what was the ejection fracture? Maybe you could treat it, surgically.

[Assistant] Haven't done the MUGA.


[User] How do you know she needs a heart transplant?

[Assistant] I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.


[User] Since when do I need the secret pass code to talk to you?

[Assistant] I can't tell you anything. Professional responsibility.


[User] Like that matters to you.

[Assistant] Not my professional responsibility, yours. New regime, you gotta keep your head down, too.


[User] Now, that's good thinking, because I was going to go right to Cuddy and rat you out as soon as you were done talking.

[Assistant] I'm not saying you want to, I'm saying you'd be obligated to.


[User] Because of my position on the Board? [House looks at him.] Because of my position on the transplant committee? [House says nothing.] Hey, you brought this up for a reason. You need to talk to me.

[Assistant] I can't.


[User] You sure you're doing the right thing?

[Assistant] I've come up with a few really great rationalizations. [Chase and Cameron walk up.]


[User] Thoracentesis rEvealed a transudate. [Wilson looks, well, amazed.] We did an echo. She's in sEvere congestive heart failure. She needs a heart transplant. We'll get her on the list immediately "�

[Assistant] She's already on the list.


[User] You're Dr. House. I found a picture of you online at a conference "�

[Assistant] You need a heart transplant.


[User] I run, I work out, I "�

[Assistant] You cut yourself. PRobably highly ritualized. You play the same Sarah MacLaughlin song over and over while you do it, pRobably works better than anti-depressants.


[User] I don't understand how that has to "�

[Assistant] You're a high-powered bulimic. You make yourself throw up. You have to find the most efficient way to vomit without rEvealing the tell-tale signs of bulimia, which is all, eugh. Very unseemly, for a CEO. So, you found a common antidote for accidental poisoning to do the job: ipecac. Which is great, if your kid's just swallowed a bottle of aspirin, but really, really bad if it's a habit. It causes muscle damage. It caused the pain in your leg. And it destroyed your heart. How often do you do it?


[User] Three times a week.

[Assistant] In about an hour, there's going to be an emergency meeting of the transplant committee to discuss where you fall on the list should a new heart become available. PRoblem is, I am required to tell the committee of your bulimia, it's a major psyParkatric condition. Ranks right up there with suicidal, makes you a very bad risk.


[User] So you're here to tell me I have just a few hours to live?

[Assistant] Unless I lie to the committee. But if they find out, I lose my medical license. This would be a very good time to offer me a bribe. How much is your life worth, how much is my job worth "�


[User] Why are you here doing this to me? What do you want?

[Assistant] I want to know what's right.


[User] Am I worth it? You think I'm pathetic. Has a good job, Everything in the world, but she just doesn't like the way that she looks "�

[Assistant] Oh, stop hiding! [Carly looks taken aback at his yelling.] I'm asking you if you want to live or die, you can't Even say that!


[User] What do you want me to do? Cry?

[Assistant] Yes! I want you to tell me that your life is important to you, because I don't know! [pause] Because that's what's on the table right now: your life. [He turns to leave; Carly grabs his arm.]


[User] [crying] I don't want to die. I don't.

[Assistant] This 32-year-old female was admitted by my staff because of paralysis and pain in her right thigh. Patient rapidly deteriorated and now has sEvere congestive heart failure. Pressers and vasodilators have not improved her conditions whatsoEver. Pulmonary function tests show an FVC of over 3 liters with EDD-1 of at least 90% of predicted. And preserved FEB/FEC ratio and preserved DLCO as well. [Ed note: These were rattled off so fast, I have no clue if the acronyms are right.] Her MUGA had an ejection fraction of 19% with no focal wall or motion abnormalities. Heart catheterization rEvealed clean left, right and circumflex arteries, and subsequent biopsy rEvealed irrEversible cardiomyopathy. [wrapping up] Which is why we're here.


[User] Uh, Dr. House, I'm confused by your time and date stamps. It appears that you put Carly on the transplant list before you did these tests.

[Assistant] I had a hunch.


[User] You don't have hunches. You know.

[Assistant] Look, if the tests had come back differently, obviously I would have taken her off the lists, but on the long shot! [Vogler walks in and takes a seat on the sidelines] On the long shot I was right, I didn't want to waste time.


[User] Is there any exclusion criteria we should know about?

[Assistant] CAT scan rEvealed no tumors and Dr. Wilson found no trace of cancer.


[User] What about any other criteria?

[Assistant] No atherosclerotic vascular disease "�


[User] Are there any "�

[Assistant] No pneumonia, no bacteriemia, no Hep-B or C or any other letters.


[User] Substance abuse? Any history of "�

[Assistant] No alcohol, no drugs.


[User] Any psyParkatric conditions, history of depression "�

[Assistant] She's a little blue, but turns out she needs a heart transplant. [Cuddy glances at Vogler, who gives her a pointed look.]


[User] Dr. House, if you subvert or mislead this committee, you will be subject to disciplinary action. [pause]

[Assistant] Dr. Cuddy, do you have any reason to think that I would lie?


[User] I simply want you to answer the question! Is there anything on the recipient exclusion criteria that would disqualify your Patient from getting a heart?

[Assistant] [looks at Wilson and Vogler before answering] No. Beautiful organ donor weather.


[User] [in his best "hands-on-hips"� confrontation voice] You lied, didn't you?

[Assistant] I nEver lie.


[User] Big mistake.

[Assistant] Then you should have voted against putting her on the list.


[User] You're my friend.

[Assistant] Oh, jeez. Have some backbone. If you think I'm wrong, do something.


[User] Wait, you're getting mad at me for sticking up for you?

[Assistant] You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.


[User] Our friendship is an ethical responsibility. [House's beeper beeps.] What is it?

[Assistant] My Patient's getting a heart.


[User] They just stopped Carly's heart. And your dumb Patient "�

[Assistant] They're all "� oh, the guy who can't talk.


[User] Mr. Van Der Meer, he scheduled an appointment to see you.

[Assistant] Oooh, goody.


[User] I wanted you to know Chase is worried you're going to fire him.

[Assistant] It's bad enough that screw-ups cost lives. Now we've got Vogler, screw-ups cost jobs. I want Chase scared. I want him doing Everything he can to protect his job.


[User] Dr. House, if you were in his position wouldn't you be more likely to perform well if you were reassured and "�

[Assistant] Oh, will you stop it with the book! Why are you doing this?


[User] I'm not doing anything.

[Assistant] You're Manipulating Everyone.


[User] People! dismiss me. Because I'm a Woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not aggressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me.

[Assistant] They like you. Everyone likes you. [He starts to walk away.]


[User] Do you? [dramatic pause. House stares at Cameron blankly.] I have to know.

[Assistant] No.


[User] [quietly] Okay. [She walks away.]

[Assistant] [looking at his watch] 5 hours, 23 minutes, that's fast.


[User] Is that good or bad?

[Assistant] It depends. Either surgery went really well, or it ended really abruptly.


[User] Textbook. She'll outlive us all.

[Assistant] Thank you. So, sing for me. [Dad looks at House, and then grabs his laptop.] Oh, no, no, no, no! come on, look. When you had your surgery, you were intubated. Surgeon stuck a tube down your throat. Now, it nEver happens, and it's nEver caught, but it happens. Your vocal chords were paralyzed. I treated the spastic dysphonia with Botox. Ironically, a substance that tightens Every other corner of your face actually loosens the tongue. I have healed you. You can talk. [Dad shakes his head.] Oh, well. [House goes to leave, and as he does!] BOOOO! [Dad grasps his laptop in fear, but no scream.] Okay, you don't have to say anything, it can be our little secret. If you can talk, blink twice. [Dad stares at House.] But you're not going to, because you think you won't be entitled to the money you won in the settlement with Simpson. Yesterday I would have said you'd have to give the money back. Today! hospital's come into a lot of money, mum's the word. [Dad blinks twice, and House smiles. Dad smiles back, and all is cheery in Exam Room one.] Hey.


[User] Hey.

[Assistant] I know the cardiologist has given you some guidelines, schedule of medications, and a strict diet: just what someone with an eating disorder needs. So, I thought I'd get you started. [He grabs a Styrofoam take-out container.] Fried Parkcken from the Carnegie Deli.


[User] You're kidding.

[Assistant] Yeah. Actually, I got it downstairs. [Carly laughs a bit.]


[User] Why did you fight for me? You risked so much, and you hardly know me.

[Assistant] You're my Patient. Don't screw it up. [Carly nods, and House leaves.] [over the music] Love this part! [switches to air drums, and! Vogler turns off his music] Okay. He ruined it.


[User] Just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. I'm Vogler, new ChairMan of the Board. In a way, I guess that makes me your boss.

[Assistant] I am sorry about the lab coat thing. The dry cleaners destroyed it. [Vogler laughs and sits.]


[User] That was my very first heart transplant meeting, very exciting.

[Assistant] Trust me. Six Flags, way more exciting.


[User] Patient's very lucky to have such a passionate doctor who stands up for what he beliEves in.

[Assistant] Sweet of you to say.


[User] Yeah. 'Fraid you've been duped, though. [He pulls out the bottle of ipecac from his pocket.] The nurse found this in the Patient's purse. [pause]

[Assistant] Oh, my. If only I'd known.


[User] Tough being a doctor. You've got all that power. The power to play God.

[Assistant] Yes, I don't envy the transplant committee their responsibility. They basically would have been forced to kill that poor girl. I'm not sure I could have done that.


[User] This is not a game to me, Dr. House.

[Assistant] No. This is actually more like we're dancing right now, so let's get to the point. You don't like me. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like you. It's nothing personal, I don't like anybody. But none of that really matters, does it, because you've got money, and I've got tenure. You need full board approval to get rid of me. I've got Cuddy.


[User] Right.

[Assistant] And Wilson. So, as long as we're stuck with each other, we might as well ignore each other. [He turns on the iPod and out comes "Hava Nagila"�. The music is quickly turned off.] That wasn't nearly as dramatic as I was hoping.


[User] We're in a meeting.

[Assistant] Need the Lawyer.


[User] Who'd you kill?

[Assistant] Nobody, but it's not Even lunch. Got served with a federal court order. Some witness went into a coma and they want me to take a look at it. [He tries to hand the paper over to Cuddy, but Vogler snatches it.]


[User] What? They want you to examine a sick person? This is a public relations nightmare. Don't think our staff do that kind of thing around here! this place would be crawling with sick people!

[Assistant] I'm a doctor, I'm not a lapdog for the feds; I don't play fetch.


[User] You have three choices: hire a Lawyer to fight the order, treat the guy, or go to jail for contempt. Up to you.

[Assistant] [grabs the papers back] Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. [to Vogler] Conjugal visit, that's her new fantasy. [Vogler tries not to laugh as House leaves.]


[User] We're not leaving until he's gone or you show me one good reason for keeping him.

[Assistant] He's really out of it, huh?


[User] [looking at the file] He had his stomach pumped! Why would they do that?

[Assistant] Rule out poisoning.


[User] Huh. Not the typical first guess.

[Assistant] No, the first guess was faking it. Patient's a federal witness, reluctant, I'm assuming. He's also an 8 on the Glasgow coma scale.


[User] Any recent history of head trauma? Bad car accident, fall?

[Assistant] They tell me no, but do an MRI to be sure. [They round the corner to Diagnostics, Bill is standing by the door.]


[User] Metabolic causes. Liver, kidney, diabetes "�

[Assistant] Check for Everything, feds are paying. We're gonna turn a profit on this one, boys.


[User] Dr. House, Bill Arnello. [He shakes House's hand.] I'm a Lawyer, I represent Mr. Smith. What's wrong with him?

[Assistant] Do I come to you with my pRoblems?


[User] He's also my brother.

[Assistant] What, you changed your name? "Smith"� wasn't good enough for you?


[User] His name's Joey, he's my only brother.

[Assistant] He's important to you, got it. So, no placebos for him, we'll use the real medicine. [Elevator dings, House gets in.] Well, this was fun, let's do it again soon. [Bill follows him in.] Brother in the Mafia? [Door closes, because the elevator door has the best sense of dramatic/comedic timing in the whole show.] So, just Joey? I was hoping for a nickname. Joey Mango. Joey the Wrench. [Bill hits the emergency stop.] People know where I am.


[User] I want you to do your job. Diagnose him, fix him, and keep him here.

[Assistant] We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with Patients when they're actually sick.


[User] If you release my brother to the government, and he does what they want, Even if you fix him, he's dead. I need time to convince him of that. [He shuts off the stop.] Good news is, if you screw up you don't have to worry about a malpractice suit. If he's dead, one by one, I'll take away the things you love 'till there's nothing left. [Elevator opens, House leaves.]

[Assistant] So, on the Mafia thing, that's a yes.


[User] Bleeding around his brain caused pressure inside his head which caused the coma.

[Assistant] [looking at the scan] These look like pseudomembranes. Those take time to form. If it was an old injury it wouldn't have caused the coma.


[User] Subdural hematoma placed where this one is, it could have caused his coma.

[Assistant] What about his liver?


[User] I say we evacuate the cavity, see if he wakes up.

[Assistant] The neurologist thinks it's his brain, wants to open up his head. Frankly, I'm shocked! You get to use the big boy drill and Daddy's big red toolbox.


[User] He's okay now, he can leave.

[Assistant] I'm not releasing him.


[User] Because the brother doesn't want you to?

[Assistant] Or because he had an unexplained coma, which sounds better?


[User] The hematoma caused the coma.

[Assistant] That's a catchy diagnosis, you could dance to that.


[User] I think Chase is right. It still should be evacuated, but it's not an immediate threat.

[Assistant] Cameron's my girl.


[User] I'd release him.

[Assistant] Are you disagreeing with me because "�


[User] I'm disagreeing because that's my medical opinion.

[Assistant] Of course it is. But unless I've been named as the fourth part of the Axis of Evil, invaded and occupied, this is still not a democracy. He's staying. Send for Hepatitis serologies and an autoimmune panel. [He enters the clinic.] Hey. I'm with you. Old enough to drink, old enough to do something really stupid and make yourself a baby.


[User] He's my brother. I'm watParkng him while my parents are in Barbados. He's having trouble breathing and there's a lot of wheezing.

[Assistant] [listing to the kid's breathing with his stethoscope] Whistling, technically. Upper airways, nose.


[User] If he's got the croup, that could become meningitis, right?

[Assistant] Absolutely. [He leans over the kid.]


[User] I was just studying and all of a sudden I hear him crying and sounding all weird. My parents are going to kill me. [House reaches into the kid's nose with tweezers.]

[Assistant] I doubt it.


[User] You don't know them.

[Assistant] No, I doubt you were studying while your parents were away. [He retriEves a tiny toy policeMan from the kid's nose.] Hello, Officer. You might want to rinse this off before you let him play with it again. [His beeper beeps.] What happened? Where is he?


[User] Vogler called admitting, admitting called Justice, Justice came and took him away.

[Assistant] And who called Vogler? [All the ducklings look at each other.]


[User] D-D-D-D-Dr. House in the House! Impeccable timing as always.

[Assistant] You had no authority to release my Patient.


[User] Dr. House, from what I understand, your "�

[Assistant] From what you understand? He's not your Patient; how the hell do you understand anything?


[User] That's sad.

[Assistant] You're not Even a doctor.


[User] John Smith is here only because of court order. I had the records faxed to the Judge; she rescinded the order.

[Assistant] Why bother, just to piss me off?


[User] Keeping the government off our ass. Hmm. Yeah. [House's beeper beeps.] That makes no sense for a public institution.

[Assistant] Okay. [turns to leave]


[User] Okay what?

[Assistant] Okay, sir. Carry on. [He leaves.]


[User] 35-year-old male, vital signs are stable now. Gave him 2 liters en route. Just released from here two hours ago. [Cuddy and Vogler walk up.]

[Assistant] So, your junior G-Man badge isn't looking so good.


[User] His liver's worse.

[Assistant] Comatose?


[User] Serology tests came back positive for Hep-C.

[Assistant] Hep-C is a chronic condition. You don't think this is an acute situation?


[User] Coma, vomiting, abdominal pain, Hep-C explains Everything.

[Assistant] Except for the suddenness of the onset.


[User] What's wrong with the timing?

[Assistant] You get home one night. Your wife hits you with a baseball bat. Likely cause is the fact you haven't thanked her for dinner in eight years, or the receipt for fur handcuffs she found in your pants. Sudden onset equals proximate cause.


[User] He also has high estrogen lEvels in his blood. That's indicative of a chronic condition, not acute.

[Assistant] One test. What do his other liver tests tell us?


[User] Uh-huh. And why is her test better than mine?

[Assistant] Because she's cuter. [Cameron looks uncomfortable.] Though it's close. Do a liver biopsy. When the results come back we'll know what we're looking at.


[User] Why wait to treat the Hep-C? If I'm right, Joey gets better that much faster.

[Assistant] Right. Then he gets to testify, and you get a gold star from Cuddy.


[User] Then what's the downside? Or is that the downside.

[Assistant] Do I have a reason for not wanting you to get any stars? [Everyone looks confused.] Fine, start the treatment. It's all your idea. Don't Even mention my name. There's nothing wrong with your theory, go. [They all get up.] But in the "humor me"� department, get a biopsy while you're at it. [They start to leave.] Foreman, we need to talk. [House and Foreman enter House's office.] You're off the case.


[User] What? Why?

[Assistant] Somebody told Vogler that I lied to the transplant committee.


[User] You think I did?

[Assistant] You're too careful. You wouldn't jump ship unless you knew what was in the water.


[User] Stop, you're embarrassing me.

[Assistant] But I want Vogler to think I think it's you. And I want Cameron and Chase and Cuddy and Wilson and the nursing staff and the cashier in the Parking lot to think that, too.


[User] Ah, this is all my fault.

[Assistant] Took another homework break with Betty Lou?


[User] No, last week I showed him a magic trick.

[Assistant] Pulled a quarter out of his nose. It's a classic.


[User] Dr. House.

[Assistant] Got a crisis here!


[User] [to kid] Stop! [Kid shuts up, allowing House to pull a firefighter out of his nose.]

[Assistant] It's a neat trick.


[User] You have to beliEve you'll actually hurt them.

[Assistant] Ah.


[User] Your people insulted my brother.

[Assistant] What, they put roMano in the parmesan cheese shaker again?


[User] Said he was a crackhead or a homo or something.

[Assistant] Those idiots. How Many times am I going to have to send them through sensitivity training? Nobody's saying he's a homo, that would be really, really bad. So let's put a nice, friendly spin on it. Let's go with: he got raped in prison. I saw the jailHouse tats, put it together with the blood tests!


[User] There were rumors, but Joey nEver said anything about!. If people find out he's being treated for Hep-C? Feds get that chart, someone says something to somebody, word'll get out. And then Joey's Manhood, his rep is destroyed.

[Assistant] You're worried about how his coworkers will react in the Walmart in Des Moines.


[User] He's not going into Witness Protection, I won't let that happen.

[Assistant] Listen, I don't know if you know about this, but mob businesses sometimes keep two sets of books.


[User] One legit, one not.

[Assistant] Exactly.


[User] You jerking my chain?

[Assistant] Doctors are busy, sometimes they forget to write things down, it happens all the time.


[User] Thanks. [He turns to leave.] Oh, and whatEver you're not giving him for whatEver he doesn't have, is that going to fix him?

[Assistant] I doubt it. On your way to polish Vogler's car?


[User] Gone are the days of the grumpy old doc seeing Patients in the basement of his House, getting paid a few Parkckens.

[Assistant] How will I eat?


[User] You know what Cuddy has been locked in with Vogler about all day today, and yesterday?

[Assistant] Floor polish costs through the roof?


[User] You. Her secretary's been to the photocopier all day with your records. It's all they're looking at in there. [House looks shocked.]

[Assistant] My car has been stolen. [They look around for it, and see!]


[User] Or rein-CAR-nated. [!a 1965 red Corvette in House's Parking space. Wilson picks up a piece of paper stuck in the windshield wiper.] Pink slip. "A gift from the Arnello brothers."�

[Assistant] [smiling] You know, they're gangsters, sure, but they're thoughtful, too.


[User] You can't keep it. It's graft.

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. Graft is if I tell them I'll only make him better if he slips me a couple bucks. A payoff for something I'm not supposed to do. If I'd asked for the payoff (which I didn't), I would have done the bad thing anyway. So there's nothing wrong with this.


[User] Right.

[Assistant] Damn. '65. Perfectly restored. What do you think a guy like Joey would do if someone turned down a gift? That's kind of an insult, isn't it?


[User] He might hurt you. It's definitely possible.

[Assistant] I'm screwed. Gotta take the car.


[User] Varices. You see it with chronic Hep-C all the time.

[Assistant] [entering] Biopsy's back. Two findings. Number one: lymphocytic infiltrate and no bridging fibrosis.


[User] Well, whatEver's killing him is not Hep-C. It's acute.

[Assistant] Who said that? I forget. What are you doing here? I told you you were off the case.


[User] Right. Your diabolic plan to convince the evil genius he's in the clear so he'll let his guard down and make a fatal mistake, sure.

[Assistant] Well, it's clearly not going to work now.


[User] What evil genius?

[Assistant] If we knew that, then we wouldn't need a diabolic plan now, would we?


[User] Oh, what? One of us?

[Assistant] No, you guys love me too much.


[User] All right, look, if it's not the Hep-C, then what's the pRoblem? What's causing the liver failure?

[Assistant] Finding number two: toxins.


[User] No. He's only 30 years old and his job doesn't expose him to heavy metals or environmental "�

[Assistant] He's a 30-year-old mobster. He doesn't have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins, he has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him. WhatEver this toxin is, it's doing its job and fast. How long do we have until the next round of test results?


[User] What, in two hours?

[Assistant] There is another way. Relax, it's kosher.


[User] You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it. [House enters the lab.]

[Assistant] Anything?


[User] White blood count's low; pRobably a result of the illness, nothing to connect to the liver.

[Assistant] Is he a smoker?


[User] Let me check. [House goes to look at the chest x-ray.]

[Assistant] Early signs of emphysema. He's been smoking at least a dozen years.


[User] 18. You got that from the white count?

[Assistant] Nope, got that from the chest x-ray. White count just tells me he's quitting. [He goes to look over Cameron's shoulder, who looks uncomfortable.]


[User] Where did you get the money.

[Assistant] Cancel the thumb screws, I've got our culprit.


[User] Who?

[Assistant] Not who, Hu.


[User] Huh?

[Assistant] Thanks for playing along. Chai Hu, a Parknese herb in his quit smoking candy. Reduces cravings, also reduces his white blood count. Oh yeah, he also took enough of them to poison himself. We'll keep him on the pig for a few more hours, then take him off the candy, he'll be fine. Pig won't be. Oh no.


[User] So, the mobster's good to go?

[Assistant] I'll keep him overnight, then let the feds know he's good to rat out whoEver he wants.


[User] Brother won't be happy.

[Assistant] Maybe have to give back the car.


[User] You should let Vogler tell the feds.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because it matters to him. Because you humiliated him the first time Joey was released. You think you should still be in third there, ace?

[Assistant] He humiliated himself.


[User] And because your job depends on the kind of mood Vogler's in at the end of his marathon with Cuddy. Seriously, Man, have you Ever driven an automobile before? There are four gears, you know.

[Assistant] The '66 came with a Shut Up button. It is my medical opinion that the Patient is healthy and can be released.


[User] [to House] I see you've found out what we're meeting about.

[Assistant] You're having a meeting?


[User] Well, whatEver the reason, the coat looks good on you. [looks at the chart] Chai Hu lozenges cause this kind of liver failure, no way!

[Assistant] Not by themselves, but in combination with the Interferon it's like gas to a flame.


[User] What Interferon?

[Assistant] For the Hep-C.


[User] What Hep-C?

[Assistant] Oops.


[User] Is hiding a mobster's Hep-C that important?

[Assistant] Is letting the feds know Everything that important? [House's beeper beeps.]


[User] You know, you are a piece of work, Even now.

[Assistant] Ed!


[User] Edward.

[Assistant] Joey's back in a coma.


[User] Worse than before, he's on a ventilator.

[Assistant] Question is, why? It's not his brain, it's not a toxin. Our friend Babe helped with that one. So what else?


[User] The Hep-C. We nEver really treated it, we stopped the Interferon when it started poisoning his liver.

[Assistant] Am I going to have to write a song about it? His chronic Hep-C was not bad enough to produce these symptoms.


[User] The estrogen lEvel indiCates it is.

[Assistant] IndiCates something else entirely.


[User] They're running a trial on dogs at St. Sebastian's in Philadelphia. I'll make the call.

[Assistant] [as the three others start to leave] What else could cause his estrogen lEvel to be that high?


[User] Maybe there's nothing up there, I watched him like a hawk. [Kid cries and screams.]

[Assistant] Pretty sure you didn't.


[User] I didn't let him play with any more little toys.

[Assistant] Thus forcing him to shove a big one up there. [Kid is still crying.] Stop or I snap your nose off! [And the kid stops crying! House pulls! a fire truck out of his nose, which goes with the policeMan and the firefighter.]


[User] He's not too smart.

[Assistant] Genetics is a powerful force. On the other hand, maybe he's smarter than you think.


[User] What's going on?

[Assistant] Just give me a second. Always wanted to use one of these. [He grabs a big magnet, and demonstrates its use by picking scissors up off of the counter.] Tilt his head back.


[User] I don't know.

[Assistant] Just tilt his head back. [He uses the magnet, and a metal cat comes out of the kid's nose.] Nice grasp of concepts, relationships. Very smart, very cool. First the policeMan, fireMan, fire truck. Your brother was sending in teams to save the cat.


[User] Wow.

[Assistant] Sometimes the simplest answer! [ He trails off in thought, and Occam's Razor strikes again!] Most types of coma you just don't snap out of. [Chase enters.]


[User] He's not snapping out of this one, he's not improving. You crossed out estrogen, you've got an explanation?

[Assistant] Yes, I have. A very simple one.


[User] And?

[Assistant] It's private.


[User] You think I'm the one running to Vogler.

[Assistant] You're currently top of the list. Toxic comas, person's away from the cause long enough and they recover.


[User] The feds checked for poisons, we checked for poisons. I didn't do it.

[Assistant] It's not a poison, then.


[User] An allergy, then. Did you hear me?

[Assistant] How about a food sensitivity?


[User] All of his food is strictly controlled. There's no correlation between his meals and his condition. He had steak and potatoes before the first coma, and the hospital served fish sticks before the second one. You can trust me.

[Assistant] PRoblem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help. So where did you get the money?


[User] What?

[Assistant] Someone paid you off.


[User] What are you talking about? It wasn't poison, you told us that it "�

[Assistant] You're talking about poison. I'm talking about payoff. Graft.


[User] Leave him alone.

[Assistant] You paid the marshal off.


[User] I didn't pay him to poison my brother.

[Assistant] No, it just worked out that way.


[User] I gave the guy some money to get him some decent food.

[Assistant] Better than fish sticks? I'm thinking steak.


[User] We asked for pasta. Those stupid feds could care less "�

[Assistant] He had steak before both comas. Your brother has Ornithine TranscarbAmylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes a while. It's genetic, it can present at any time. The Patient eats a large amount of protein, especially if he's not used to it.


[User] That's it? He stays off the red meat and he's going to be fine?

[Assistant] Yes. If I'm right, and we stop the current treatment, he gets better. If we stop the current treatment and I'm wrong, he dies.


[User] Why would you be wrong?

[Assistant] His estrogen lEvel. OTD doesn't explain his estrogen lEvel. But I have a theory. There is one chemical that, if ingested, can cause a person's estrogen lEvel to increase dramatically. [He sits in the waiting area.]


[User] What is it?

[Assistant] It's called estrogen.


[User] Joey's taking estrogen? What, he wants a sex change?

[Assistant] No, nothing like that. It's called Male Flame. It's pRobably more consumer friendly in the original Parknese. It's an herbal aphrodisiac marketed to gay men.


[User] Oh, here we go.

[Assistant] And sold on the same website that sells his Chai Hu lozenges. Guess what's in it? Starts with an "e"�.


[User] You want to get hit, too?

[Assistant] That would be quite a trick. "He slapped me so hard his brother turned straight."� Joey's a big-time mobster. Guys like that don't get raped in prison. They get gifts, they get food, drugs, cigarettes, cable TV!


[User] [sitting next to House] Joey is not gay.

[Assistant] Well, maybe not gay, but certainly delightful. You, on the other hand, hitting a doctor, Even if it was only Chase! and asking another one to keep his chart fresh and homo-free. Well, that's a bit of an overreaction, wouldn't you say? It's almost like you're scared that it might be true.


[User] You're wrong.

[Assistant] Okay. Then don't stop the treatment. [starts to leave] But if you're wrong, he dies.


[User] Okay. [House nods to Chase, who stops the medicine.] He nEver said anything to me about it, not once.

[Assistant] That's what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so accepting. Only way he was coming out was way, way out. Lose the tattoos, change his name, move to another town! how's a guy like him going to do that? Witness protection. It's not just for witnesses any more.


[User] Vogler wants to fire you. Lose the whole department.

[Assistant] Good thing you fought for me, though, right? The dress was a nice move, but you've got to follow it up. Nasty weekend in Vegas, something that shows off your real administrative skills. [He pops a Vicodin.]


[User] He threatened to fire me. [She sits.]

[Assistant] I'm sorry. So, how long do I have? I've a lot of personal stuff to pack up. I assume you're going to want to throw a party.


[User] I told him I know where the bodies are buried, the stuff he needs to know that's not in the books. Told him he can't ditch me.

[Assistant] He's only keeping you on because you know the secret handshakes. He's a quick study. Six months, he'll have the moves down. Then he won't need you any more.


[User] I'll deal with that then.

[Assistant] So I stay.


[User] Yes. But some things are going to change.

[Assistant] Profits. New world order.


[User] Huh.

[Assistant] Everything's about profits.


[User] Yeah, that's real new. You could rent out the Corvette Every once in a while, or lend it to a friend.

[Assistant] That would be easy, and it would be wrong.


[User] But Cuddy stood up for you.

[Assistant] To a point.


[User] To what point?

[Assistant] I gotta do six more clinic hours a month. So do two of them. [nods to the Ducklings on the other side of the wall]


[User] Why only two?

[Assistant] 'Cause one of them's gone. I gotta fire somebody. [House walks into the office, leaving behind a shocked Wilson. House and Wilson share a look through the glass before Wilson moves on and House starts the day with his team and trusty whiteboard.] Good morning.


[User] Only 10 more seconds, you got it. [Jessica falls to the ground.] Jessica, Jessica! [He turns her over on her back.] Jessica! [He listens for her heart beat. CGI of her heart beating fast, and then stopping.] Oh, my God! Hey, go to the office, get Miss Parsons. Now! [Some kid runs. Mr. Conroy calls 911 on his cell.] I'm on a playground at Finley Elementary. One of my students is having a heart attack. Yeah, she's ten. Don't you think I know that? Just send the damn ambulance! [He starts chest compressions.] Come on, wake up, sweetie.

[Assistant] You Ever see an infected pierced scrotum?


[User] Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I'd like to see it happen. We need to talk.

[Assistant] Well, if pain's what you're after the penis is really the way to go. I'd recommend the apadravya.


[User] We're not talking.

[Assistant] Oh? Sounded like we were.


[User] No, you're attempting to avoid talking because you know what I want to talk about.

[Assistant] Nipples?


[User] You need to get rid of one of your people.

[Assistant] Absolutely. As soon as I do perforMance reviews. And then review the reviews, of course. Because a decision like this can't be made without proper, you know, review. Shouldn't take longer than a month, maybe two. Four at the most, unless it gets compliCated.


[User] There's no way out on this. You may as well get it over with as fast as you can, like ripping off a band-aid.

[Assistant] Only instead of a two-cent piece of tape and gauze it's a huMan being.


[User] Like you care.

[Assistant] Like you don't. [The elevator opens, rEvealing Cameron.]


[User] We have a referral from Dr. Linkowitz.

[Assistant] Don't know him.


[User] He knows you.

[Assistant] What's the pRoblem?


[User] Heart attack.

[Assistant] Definitely don't know him.


[User] Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It's gotta be a mistake.

[Assistant] Right. The simplest explanation is she's a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.


[User] That's because of her depression.

[Assistant] That's what five pediatricians, two nutritionists, and a psychologist said. The heart attack would seem to indiCate that they missed something.


[User] Syndrome X could cause a stroke, but I don't know about a heart attack.

[Assistant] Could, if her blood pressure was high enough.


[User] Which is likely, considering her weight.

[Assistant] It fits the symptoms. Me likee. Do a hyperinsulinemic euglycemic clamp. [They get up to leave.] Oh, and one more thing. I've been told that I've got to get rid of one of you guys by the end of the week. New sheriff, belt tightening, you know how it goes. Okay, carry on. [He goes into his office.]


[User] It's really bad, especially at night. It's like my heart is on fire, like it's, uh, oh, I don't know, like it's!

[Assistant] Burning?


[User] Exactly!

[Assistant] Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn.


[User] So, can you give me something?

[Assistant] Like a thesaurus?


[User] What?

[Assistant] I take it you nEver mentioned this during any of your prenatal visits.


[User] Prenatal? I'm not pregnant.

[Assistant] Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.


[User] I know when I'm pregnant, all right? I have six kids. That's why my husband had a vasectomy and we use condoms.

[Assistant] Vasectomies can rEverse themselves, condoms break.


[User] Okay. [She hops off the table and gestures to herself.] This is what a Woman is supposed to look like. Okay, we're not just skin and bones. We have flesh. We have curves.

[Assistant] You have little people inside you. [Lucille grabs her purse and heads to the door.] Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I guess I must have just been brainwashed by the media, and all those years of medical training.


[User] Damn right.

[Assistant] Let's see if I can find some antacids while the nurse gets some blood.


[User] Blood, why?

[Assistant] The heartburn, gotta make sure it's not spreading.


[User] So, any thoughts?

[Assistant] On what? Sharon's plan for Gaza?


[User] Who you're gonna let go.

[Assistant] I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to let me keep all of them.


[User] Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.

[Assistant] It will be more cost-efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase! well, I can grab his ass, too.


[User] Separate or together?

[Assistant] Together. [House leaves Wilson to pay for lunch.]


[User] Oh, please. Save your pathetic insincerity for your boyfriend. [House walks up.]

[Assistant] You're wrong. She is, in fact, pathetically sincere. And they didn't screw it up.


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] I'm from the lab. The blood tests showed your daughter wasn't hypoglycemic, which means her psychosis wasn't caused by anything these doctors did.


[User] So then what was it caused by?

[Assistant] I have no idea, but you'll be happy to hear it can't be cured by diet or exercise. What else could cause uncontrollable rage in a ten-year-old?


[User] Nothing that could also cause a heart attack. [House starts to write on the whiteboard.]

[Assistant] I assume I don't have to point out that now would be an extremely good time for one of you to distinguish yourself with a brilliant idea.


[User] Have you Ever met a plastic surgeon who was in their right mind? [Cameron looks really pissed.]

[Assistant] She hasn't had liposuction.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] But what about some other ridiculous obesity treatment?


[User] Like what?

[Assistant] Diet pills can cause heart attacks and blood clots.


[User] Her tox screen was negative.

[Assistant] Wouldn't show over-the-counter weight loss drugs.


[User] [sarcastically] Yeah, she thinks her daughter's perfect just the way she is.

[Assistant] She's lying. Okay, you two, heparin and warfarin to prEvent further clotting. And you, [to Foreman] find those pills. [shaking the bottle of Vicodin] Not diet pills. You might want to broaden the search just a little. And don't just ask the mom, if she hasn't mentioned yet, she's not gonna "�


[User] If you're gonna fire someone, go ahead and do it, but don't treat us like lab rats, testing how long it takes us to get us at one another's throats.

[Assistant] So what should I do?


[User] I don't give a damn what you do.

[Assistant] Yes, I had noticed your complete indifference. You don't Even offer a medical opinion any more. Who would you fire?


[User] Not my call.

[Assistant] I want your opinion. [Foreman starts to leave.] Fine, it's you. [Foreman turns around.] Either way, you're making a choice.


[User] Chase.

[Assistant] [slightly puzzled] Wh- Because he screwed up an angio a month ago?


[User] Anyone can make a mistake.

[Assistant] Right, it's the money. You resent it, but you're going to tell me he doesn't need the job.


[User] He doesn't appreciate the job.

[Assistant] He was ready to go three rounds with Cameron for it.


[User] He wants the job. He just doesn't appreciate it. There's nothing wrong with just wanting to hang out, but this is not the place to do it.

[Assistant] I'm surprised.


[User] You thought I'd pick Cameron?

[Assistant] I didn't think you'd pick at all. I guess he's not the "rise above the fray"� guy he likes to think he is.


[User] You practically forced it out of him.

[Assistant] He's scared of losing his job, just like Everyone else.


[User] I've been thinking. You've made it quite clear that you're miserable here "�

[Assistant] I am not miserable. [They enter the clinic.]


[User] You're not happy.

[Assistant] And you are?


[User] With! my job, yes.

[Assistant] I am exactly where I want to be doing exactly what I want to do.


[User] I think I sense a hint of sarcasm there. Why don't you pick yourself? Quit?

[Assistant] [looking at charts] Hmmm! I was wrong.


[User] About Vogler or Foreman?

[Assistant] Mrs. Hernandez's pregnancy tests.


[User] Who's Mrs. Hernandez?

[Assistant] Either a Woman carrying an alien baby or your newest Patient. [Wilson grabs the chart.]


[User] Oh, God.

[Assistant] It's actually a personal record for this clinic.


[User] I'll have a huge scar! I won't be able to wear a bikini!

[Assistant] You wear a bikini now?


[User] Yeah, you got a pRoblem with that?

[Assistant] Nope, but I've nEver gone swimming with you.


[User] I knew it. That's what this is all about! You are trying to force me to have cosmetic surgery!

[Assistant] Yeah, that's exactly why I planted a thirty pound tumor on your ovary.


[User] That was unexpected.

[Assistant] [nodding] Yeah, it was.


[User] I can't beliEve she was that desperate.

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sure that if Everyone I knew hated me, I couldn't bear to look at me. I wouldn't go so far as to shoplift.


[User] Right. [He gets up and starts to walk off.]

[Assistant] [stuttering] Wait! Are you going to let him say that? He insulted our basketball teams! [Foreman's beeper beeps, then Chase's, then Cameron's! they all have different beeps that sound quite nice together, but that's not the point of this.]


[User] Or not.

[Assistant] Or both. Diet pills brought her to us, we gave her the sores.


[User] You think she got a staph infection from something here?

[Assistant] I'm not saying the hospital gave the sores, I'm saying we did. By treating her. Warfarin-induced skin necrosis.


[User] Highly unlikely. We started her on heparin before the warfarin.

[Assistant] Who gave her the heparin?


[User] I gave warfarin, she gave heparin.

[Assistant] Sure you didn't both give her warfarin?


[User] Yes, I did not screw up.

[Assistant] [to Chase] Did you actually see her prepare and administer the heparin? [pregnant pause] Enough said.


[User] Yeah, right. There's gotta be some other cause.

[Assistant] None that I can think of. Let's fix the mistake. Give her unfractionated IV heparin and low molecular weight heparin by subcutaneous injection stat. [Cameron, Chase, and Foreman leave into the hallway.]


[User] Vogler wants to know what he can do for me.

[Assistant] [shouting out the door] Hey! Stop worrying about your asses and start worrying about the Patient's.


[User] Wanted to know what warfarin is. I don't know.

[Assistant] Brrrr. Icy. Definitely think twice before correcting one of your mistakes again.


[User] [still at her microscope] Correct all you want. Of course, it's a bit more productive if there's an actual mistake.

[Assistant] Right, I always forget that part.


[User] I gave her the heparin, which means the necrosis is not a reaction to the warfarin, which is pRobably why she's not responding to your treatment.

[Assistant] Yet. [pause] If you didn't screw up, then what is it? You don't have an answer.


[User] Yet.

[Assistant] When you come up with something, let me know. I'll be in the clinic, warming up.


[User] [turning to look at him] I'm the only one who's always stood behind you when you've screwed up.

[Assistant] Why? Why would you support someone who screws up?


[User] Because I'm not insanely insecure. And because I can actually trust in another huMan being and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch.

[Assistant] I'm sorry, you said you weren't angry. Who would you fire?


[User] No one.

[Assistant] Not an option.


[User] If Everyone took a pay cut and put in a few more hours we could all stay for the same amount of money.

[Assistant] Figures you'd try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The pRoblem is, the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to.


[User] [getting up] Excuse me, Dr. House? My wife saw you yesterday, Lucille Hernandez?

[Assistant] Uh, he's not in today.


[User] My wife said he walked with a cane.

[Assistant] He's also got a bit of a drug pRoblem. Sometimes doesn't show up for weeks. [He walks into Cuddy's office.]


[User] He's not gonna fire anybody.

[Assistant] Yes. I'm going to cut the pay of all four of us. 17% across the board will allow you to keep us all for the same amount of money. I beliEve it's what you suits call "win-win"�.


[User] If he can work it so we can keep the current staff for the same amount of money, what difference does it make?

[Assistant] It's not about the money.


[User] What's going on with my wife?

[Assistant] Even if I was Dr. House, physician-Patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.


[User] But she told me about the tumor.

[Assistant] Yeah? She also tell you why she's refusing to have it removed?


[User] I don't care about a scar. And she can always gain the weight back.

[Assistant] You want her to regain the weight?


[User] Yeah. I mean, only if she wants to.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] I've always thought she's looked sexiest when she was pregnant. [House looks slightly disturbed.] Something 'bout knowing she's a mother makes me want to "�

[Assistant] Yeah, tell her that and leave me alone.


[User] I did. You gotta talk to her, I couldn't bear it if something happened to her "�

[Assistant] The tumor is benign, nothing's gonna happen. Except maybe some more heartburn.


[User] What if it gets Even bigger? Or if it changes?

[Assistant] You know where to find us. Building's not going anywhere.


[User] Tell her it's cancer. [House pushes the elevator button.] You obviously don't have a pRoblem with lying.

[Assistant] Oh, way to win me over.


[User] [takes out wallet of pictures] We have six kids. She can't afford to take a chance.

[Assistant] You have kids! How novel! That changes Everything. So if Mommy has heartburn, one of them might catch on fire.


[User] Please, I don't know what we'd do. [House takes the pictures.]

[Assistant] They are cute. Have her come back in.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Your plight has moved me. [Elevator dings.] Tell your wife to come back.


[User] Maybe because we're treating her for the wrong thing.

[Assistant] Have you found the right thing?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Then we continue the treatment. Hope it's just taking longer than it should.


[User] At this point it doesn't matter what caused the necrosis.

[Assistant] Or who.


[User] Get rid of it. Remove the dying flesh before it penetrates the abdominal wall.

[Assistant] Do it.


[User] Can we talk?

[Assistant] What, no roses, no chocolates? If you're here to apologize "�


[User] I'm not here to apologize.

[Assistant] Uh-oh, that means you're here for something more compliCated. [He takes Vicodin.]


[User] Do you want to fire me?

[Assistant] Yes. I was just waiting for an excuse. Thank God Vogler came along. Phew!


[User] It's the only reason I can think of that you're insisting that I made a mistake.

[Assistant] Really? Because there is another explanation. [He stands up.] Perhaps not as much fun as your Freudian analysis, but maybe you actually made a mistake.


[User] You're doing this because you can't deal with your feelings for me.

[Assistant] I beliEve that you are the only one to express feelings. And if we're going to look at this from a first-year psych point-of-view, maybe you want me to fire you. Maybe that's why you're acting weird. You "�


[User] You're the one being different! You're always pushing things, pushing the rules, pushing us, but not this time. You just jumped on this idea like a life raft. Not one question about what else it could be, no riding us for other answers.

[Assistant] I have the answer.


[User] Then why aren't you watParkng TV? Or playing your damn Game Boy, or whatEver else you have fun doing by yourself? Maybe I should just quit. Make it easy for Everyone.

[Assistant] Maybe you should. [Cameron leaves, making the door shake behind her.] Men are pigs.


[User] You call me in to tell me "�

[Assistant] I should have realized the vasectomy and condoms was overkill, but this was too obvious. [He holds up Mr. Hernandez's photos.] Cute kids. Love her green eyes. And his baby blues. Of course, since you and your husband have brown eyes!


[User] Where'd you get that?

[Assistant] From the father of three, maximum four of your six Parkldren. So I'm thinking maybe the reason you don't want surgery is, while your husband may find you attractive no matter what, all the other men you're sleeping with might not be so open-minded. Which brings me back to my original thesis: men are pigs. You got nothing to worry about. You know, pretty much have sex with anyone, fat, skinny, married, single, complete strangers, relatives "�


[User] You? You're sick.

[Assistant] So are you. I'm sure there are websites full of men looking for married women with surgical scars. [He hands her back the pictures.] So have the surgery. Please?


[User] Foreman Ever said anything about talking to me? Interesting.

[Assistant] It's been almost three hours, still no change in her condition.


[User] So what do you want to do?

[Assistant] Assume that Cameron didn't screw up. What if it's not the warfarin?


[User] It has to be. The sores presented right after we "�

[Assistant] Right, right, right, but let's just say it's not. Come on, come on, what have you got?


[User] Can I have a second to think?

[Assistant] No, there's no time to think! Say the first thing that comes to you head.


[User] That's not what I meant.

[Assistant] We already considered obesity as a cause.


[User] No, what if it's not a cause? What if it's a symptom?

[Assistant] Okay, so what could cause obesity and skin necrosis? Listen, I don't care if it makes sense, just give me something.


[User] Ulcers secondary to vaculitis.

[Assistant] No, that's just sores, not obesity.


[User] Pyoderma gangrenosum?

[Assistant] More sores. Okay, let's look at it from the other side. What has obesity as a symptom?


[User] Genetics are more likely. Her mom's heavy, too.

[Assistant] She's not just heavy. She's tall. We have any history on the dad?


[User] Yeah. 6'1"�.

[Assistant] Kid's short. We've got stunted growth, high blood pressure, blood clots, obesity "� it's Cushing's.


[User] No, necrosis doesn't present in "�

[Assistant] In rare cases Cushing's can cause hypercalcemia, which can lead to the same skin necrosis as warfarin. It's perfect. It explains Everyting.


[User] Except it's not Cushing's. She's had multiple blood tests and none show abnormal cortisol lEvels.

[Assistant] The hypercortisolism could be cyclical, we just didn't catch it in the right phase.


[User] We'll have to do another UFC.

[Assistant] There's no time! We've got less than an hour to make the call.


[User] If we assume it's not Cushing's, she'll lose her breasts and may still be sick.

[Assistant] Do an MRI.


[User] You want us to look for hypercortisolism with an MRI?

[Assistant] No, I want you to look for what could cause hypercortisolism with an MRI.


[User] It's been a week.

[Assistant] Actually, it's over a week. Where have you guys been?


[User] Who is it?

[Assistant] Chase.


[User] No, Chase stays. Pick someone else.

[Assistant] The deal was "�


[User] Deal's changed. Pick someone else.

[Assistant] No.


[User] The Senator's suffering from nausea, headache, and mental confusion.

[Assistant] Yeah, bad sushi is so hard to diagnose.


[User] You're being Parkldish. Look, if his case is as trivial as you think it'll take you three minutes to diagnose him.

[Assistant] Uh huh, three minutes that I could spend sitting on the toilet with the funny pages.


[User] You're mad at me.

[Assistant] [closes the door] Nope. I nEver liked Cameron or Foreman.


[User] Do you know why I'm forcing you to fire one of them? Because you need to prove to me that you're a team player. Now, if you did that, you wouldn't need to go through this exercise.

[Assistant] Fine. I'll hold the Senator's hair while he upchucks.


[User] [as House is leaving] Oh, and by the way, I need you to give a speech at the National Cardiology Conference. Next week.

[Assistant] I don't do speeches. I'm shy.


[User] Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals has dEveloped a new ACE inhibitor. I would like you to extol the virtues of this breakthrough medication.

[Assistant] Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals! wait a second, don't I own that company? Oh, no, that's right, you do.


[User] Viopril is a significant improvement over the old version. All there in the study. [He hands House a booklet of information.]

[Assistant] I know its price tag is significantly improved.


[User] [sighs] You can either give one ten minute talk and one three minute diagnosis or you can fire one of your pets. My understanding was that you beliEved in rationality above all else. [House grabs the Viopril information along with the Senator's chart.]

[Assistant] [mutters as he leaves] Viopril!


[User] I don't think so. And I don't think that's it, I've been under the weather for weeks, you know. Lots of traveling, supposed to be in the Sudan next week. [Beeps are heard from the corner, namely, from House's gameboy.]

[Assistant] Helps me concentrate. [Puts down Nintendo, picks up Vicodin.] Even better than drugs. [He pops one to demonstrate.]


[User] When I was six, I fell off the swings and bit my tongue. Couldn't talk right for the longest time. Lots of teasing. But, you know, it just made me fight harder, speak up for those who can't.

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tongues heal too fast. Your political consultants have written you a nice story. In a tight race the lispers alone could put you over the top.


[User] You a Republican, or you just hate all politicians?

[Assistant] I just find being forced to sit through drivel annoying.


[User] You find sincerity annoying.

[Assistant] You're a black kid from the ghetto who made it to Yale Law and the United States Senate. That's a sufficiently mythical story, you don't need to lie about your tongue. [Foreman has been checking the Senator's reflexes; the left leg was okay, but the right didn't move.] Must have missed it.


[User] What's wrong? [House tests the reflexes himself, no change.] What is it?

[Assistant] It's not the food. It's your brain. [to Foreman] Get an MRI and a lumbar puncture. [to Wright] Cancel your travel plans.


[User] The LP showed no sign of infection and the MRI was fairly clean.

[Assistant] I guess we can tell him he's fairly healthy and can go home.


[User] Most likely just background nose.

[Assistant] Care to bet your job on that? [Chase makes a face.] What was that?


[User] What was what?

[Assistant] You got annoyed. That was clearly an annoyed face.


[User] I get annoyed by glib remarks about our futures.

[Assistant] But last week you didn't get annoyed, you made poopie in your pants. It's weird, it's almost like now you know you have nothing to worry about.


[User] Chase has nothing to worry about?

[Assistant] None of you has anything to worry about.


[User] What happened?

[Assistant] Vogler saw the error of his ways and repented. The lesion could be nothing. It could also be a brain tumor or infection. There's only one way to find out which.


[User] You wanna cut into his brain.

[Assistant] Dangerous, I know. Especially as he's a politician, his brain's all twisted. But I weighed that against the risk of him stroking out before lunch. Call surgery, get it scheduled. [He leaves.] You're not pregnant. [He hands her some tissues.]


[User] Well, I told you that. But there's gotta be some other reason I'm still spotting.

[Assistant] Sure. You were pregnant. Based on your hormone lEvels, you had a miscarriage.


[User] I haven't Even been on a date.

[Assistant] [charting] Right, since it's physically impossible to have sex without someone buying you dinner.


[User] I haven't had sex since I split up with my husband. That was almost a year ago.

[Assistant] Fine, have it your way. Immaculate conception.


[User] Um, what do I do?

[Assistant] Well, it's obvious. Start a religion. [He leaves. As he walks out, Cuddy storms past him.


[User] In my office.

[Assistant] [to the clinic nurse, conspiratorially] Afternoon delight. She just loves the hard wood. [House enters Cuddy's office.]


[User] You're not doing a brain biopsy on a spot on a MRI.

[Assistant] Where'd you get that?


[User] Not on an United States Senator.

[Assistant] Oh, just so I'm clear, if he was a janitor, that would be okay. Do you have a list?


[User] A brain biopsy can cause perManent neurological damage.

[Assistant] Uh huh, whereas tumors are really good for brains, make 'em grow big and strong. It's my call.


[User] No, it's not.

[Assistant] You're pulling rank on Patient care?


[User] It's up to you.

[Assistant] Either it's a tumor or it's an infection that the lumbar puncture didn't pick up. Either way, if we don't treat it immediately, it could kill you.


[User] W-what caused my s-symptoms?

[Assistant] Wow, excellent question. Many doctors wouldn't have gone there.


[User] It could be a transient ischemic attack. You could make the argument for watParkng carefully for the time being.

[Assistant] Mmm, but you'd only make that argument if you were an administrator covering your own ass.


[User] That's absurd, and insulting.

[Assistant] Insulting, yes.


[User] W-what will the voters think? If they find out I've had a b-brain biopsy?

[Assistant] This could leave you b-b-b-b-brain damaged, and you're worried about NASCAR dads?


[User] It's not a brain tumor.

[Assistant] It's not a bacterial infection, either.


[User] So you biopsied his brain for nothing.

[Assistant] If that were true, would Dr. Wilson's mouth be contorted into that ugly little shape?


[User] You sure?

[Assistant] Which means the Great Black Hope has full-blown AIDS. They're gonna love that in Dubuque.


[User] Theoretically, certain cancers "�

[Assistant] If you have toxo in your brain, you have AIDS.


[User] [forcefully and painfully] I do not have AIDS. I don't sh-sh-shoot up drugs, I don't sl-sleep with!

[Assistant] This is very bad news. I get that, and I sympathize. But we've gotta speed through the denial phase because you need antiretrovirals and you need them fast. [He hands the pills to Senator Wright.]


[User] [quietly] We will.

[Assistant] But the toxo drugs are going to piss off your fungi, and when fungi get pissed "� [Senator Wright throws the pills.]


[User] I am not gonna take the pills.

[Assistant] You're afraid word will leak out. Trust me, you're not going to become President either way. They don't call it the White House because of the paint job.


[User] House nEver gives speeches. [House enters.]

[Assistant] But when I really beliEve in something! Gosh dang it, I've got a chance to make a difference here.


[User] You made a deal with Vogler?

[Assistant] It's all the rage. Everybody's doing it. [Chase gives House a petty, pouty look and goes to sulk in a chair. Cameron walks over to House.]


[User] So, what's the deal? You get to keep all of us if you plug his products?

[Assistant] One speech, no biggie. Foreman's doing a bone marrow biopsy to check for cancer.


[User] Cancer? The Senator's got AIDS.

[Assistant] Cancer sounds better on a press release. I need you guys to rush the ELisatest for HIV. [He starts to walk into his office.]


[User] Thank you. For the speech.

[Assistant] When I said rush, I meant, you know, fast. Stat's the word you doctors use, right?


[User] I know it's hard for you "�

[Assistant] Double stat? [Chase pats Cameron on the arm to follow him out, which she does.]


[User] Dr. House. I just wanted to "�

[Assistant] You're welcome, again.


[User] I want you to know how much I "�

[Assistant] Got it. You're grateful. Apparently you seem to think it'll mean a lot to me to know that.


[User] Do you know why people beliEve in God?

[Assistant] I thought you didn't beliEve in God.


[User] I don't.

[Assistant] Well, then you better be making a very good point.


[User] Do you think they pray to Him and praise Him because they want Him to know how great He is? God already knows that.

[Assistant] Are you comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've nEver made a tree.


[User] [smiling] I thank you because it means something to me. To be grateful for what I receive.

[Assistant] You are the most naïve atheist I've Ever met.


[User] Dr. House, you have a Patient in Room One.

[Assistant] Thank God. [He walks off, but turns around.] People pray so that God won't crush them like bugs. I'm not gonna crush you.


[User] PeteParkal bruising? I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right.

[Assistant] Gosh, the internet is such a wonderful tool.


[User] It could be leukemia.

[Assistant] Definitely possible. The more likely diagnosis is hickey.


[User] Well, it can't be a hickey.

[Assistant] [exasperated] Why is Everybody so ashamed of sex all of a sudden?


[User] I'm not having sex. I've barely Even thought about sex since my marriage. [House pulls a hair from Sarah's head.] Ow!

[Assistant] I say you're having sex, you say you're not. Either you're lying, or I'm wrong. Or there's some middle ground.


[User] You mean like oral?

[Assistant] I mean you're having sex without knowing it. I'm testing you for booze, drugs and GHB.


[User] I don't drink, and! what's GHB?

[Assistant] The date rape drug. [He leaves.] It's positive. [He hands the Senator the water and some pills.] Your T-cell count is eight, which means there's a good chance you'll die. I'm telling you this because we need to contact your sexual partners.


[User] I've only had two girlfriends. Two, after my wife died. I used c-c-condoms.

[Assistant] You know the chances of you getting HIV from heterosexual sex with a condom?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Some day there will be a black president. Some day there will be a gay president. Maybe there will Even be a gay, black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. You need to stop lying to me.


[User] It must be miserable, always assuming the worst in people.

[Assistant] Oh, cut the crap, you're dying.


[User] You're clEver, you're witty, and you are a coward! You're scared of taking chances.

[Assistant] I take chances all the time, it's one of my worst qualities.


[User] On people?

[Assistant] Wanting to beliEve the best about people doesn't make it true.


[User] Being afraid to beliEve it doesn't make it false.

[Assistant] Well, that's very moving. It's a shame I don't vote.


[User] This is who I am. I beliEve in people. I'm not hiply cynical and I don't make easy, snide remarks. I would rather think that people are good and be disappointed once and again. [House gets up and grabs a syringe and some rubber gloves from a cabinet.]

[Assistant] I need to draw some more blood.


[User] The antiretrovirals aren't working.

[Assistant] That's not surprising.


[User] He's just going to keep getting worse. You realize that, right?

[Assistant] Why are you spying on my case?


[User] Why are you giving that speech next week? [House pushes the elevator button.] We're both just doing what we have to do.

[Assistant] And you don't see a pRoblem with that?


[User] Checking in on a Patient? Yeah, wow, how do I look myself in the mirror?

[Assistant] You're not the one being asked to perpetrate a fraud on the American people.


[User] It's a ten minute speech!

[Assistant] That I've been ordered to give.


[User] Vogler's drug works!

[Assistant] Don't care.


[User] Oh, why do you have to make Everything so dramatic? [Elevator dings.]

[Assistant] Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. [as he enters the elevator] Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff! [Cuddy looks faintly disgusted.] [standing in the back of the room] Nuh uh. No pills.


[User] What's going on?!?

[Assistant] The antiretrovirals aren't working.


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] Because you don't have AIDS. [The Senator laughs.] The first test was a false positive. Happens one time in Every five thousand.


[User] You r-ran a second test.

[Assistant] Yeah. You're still dying. The only difference is now we don't know why.


[User] Why are we doing this here?

[Assistant] So Cuddy can't find us. Unless we find out the underlying disease, this guy's lied to his last constituent.


[User] [looking at the chart] False negative on the PCR AIDS test?

[Assistant] Ran it twice.


[User] Immunoglobulin deficiency?

[Assistant] No history of respiratory pRoblems.


[User] Idiopathic T-cell deficiency.

[Assistant] Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it. [He takes a Vicodin.] Give him a whole body scan.


[User] You hate whole body scans.

[Assistant] 'Cause they're useless. Could pRobably scan Everyone of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets. [He walks away.]


[User] Why did you order the second AIDS test?

[Assistant] Standard procedure.


[User] Oh, well, that's you. Mr. Standard Procedure. You suspected the first test was a false positive?

[Assistant] I knew he was going to Africa and I figured he was vaccinated for Hep A and B. That could cause a false positive.


[User] Yeah, but you knew that before you ordered the first test. What changed?

[Assistant] I should have ordered both.


[User] You were sure he had AIDS, then you talked to him, then you had doubts. What, what did he say?

[Assistant] He said he had not engaged in any risky behavior.


[User] Huh. And you beliEved him.

[Assistant] Well, he didn't have any reason to lie "�


[User] Everybody lies, except politicians? House, I do beliEve you're a roMantic. You didn't just beliEve him, you beliEved in him. Do you want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry? [House gives a great-looking smirk.] Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much niceness and not get any on you.

[Assistant] Is that why you haven't put the moves on her?


[User] What makes you think I haven't put the moves on her? [House stops and stares, then realizes he fell for Wilson's trap.] Oh. Oh, boy! You're in trouble. [Wilson laughs and walks off. House walks into Exam Room One, where Sarah awaits.]

[Assistant] You have restored my faith in the huMan race. You're lying.


[User] No, I'm not lying.

[Assistant] I just got your results back. No GHB, no nothing. It means you're having sex, and you're lying about it.


[User] No, and I have a new symptom. I have a rash on my butt. [She smiles triumphantly.] Do you want to! [House nods, resigned. Sarah lowers her pants so House can see.] What is it?

[Assistant] It's a carpet burn.


[User] No, I just wake up really exhausted.

[Assistant] Is something upsetting you?


[User] No. [House gives her a look.] My ex lives in the apartment downstairs. He's always calling me, always wanting to get back together, complaining about mixed signals. Get out of my life, how much clearer can you get?

[Assistant] We have a sleep lab in the basement. If nothing else, it'll get you away from your ex for a night.


[User] Slightly enlarged lymph node in his left armpit.

[Assistant] How slightly?


[User] Lymphoma?

[Assistant] Sure, or he's had a cold in the last six months. [to Chase] What, you've got her on speed dial?


[User] Looks complex. Central necrosis?

[Assistant] Spontaneous bleeding, it's benign. I was rooting for a really cool tumor, instead we're stuck with this crap.


[User] Doesn't matter. Once you find 'em, you've gotta check 'em.

[Assistant] Well, knock yourselves out. [Vogler enters.]


[User] I just saw Senator Wright, he looks like hell. That sushi must have been a lot worse than you thought.

[Assistant] Mr. Vogler, would you like a free whole body scan? A Man of your stature should get himself checked at least three times a year.


[User] Here's a few key points I want you to cover during your speech.

[Assistant] Fourteen pages. The audience will be comatose by paragraph two.


[User] Throw in a joke. [Vogler leaves.]

[Assistant] Dr. Chase. We need to talk. How do you see this ending?


[User] What ending?

[Assistant] I can't fire you, so you have no reason to fear me, and therefore no reason to lie to me. You told Cuddy where I was. You told Vogler what I was doing. [pause]


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] So how can I work with you?


[User] I hope so.

[Assistant] I am selling my soul.


[User] Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return.

[Assistant] I said I was selling it. I didn't say I was giving it away. That would be immoral, and stupid. All they've done is added antacid.


[User] Does it work?

[Assistant] That's not the point!


[User] Well, of course it's the point! He's not asking you to lie, he's not asking you to do something illegal "�

[Assistant] He's not asking me to do anything.


[User] Kidney and liver cysts are both benign, and lymph nodes all came back clean.

[Assistant] His left armpit node has antibodies for CB 11.


[User] Well, not enough to indiCate lymphoma.

[Assistant] We nEver tested for hairy-cell leukemia.


[User] And his spleen isn't enlarged.

[Assistant] Size isn't Everything. The spleen is the mother lode for hairy-cells. Let's cut it open.


[User] In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!

[Assistant] Why do you do this to me? Now, if I kill him, I can't tell the Judge I had no idea of the risks involved.


[User] His brain's turning into mush, and he's at risk for more infections, so we have to do it.

[Assistant] See, that'll sound much better in court. Okay, go tell our huMan pincushion we'll be sticking him one more time. [As they all leave -- ] Cuddy. Don't you hate doing this?


[User] What's up?

[Assistant] You like me. Why?


[User] That's kind of a sad question.

[Assistant] Just trying to figure out what makes you tick. I am not warm and fuzzy and you are basically a stuffed animal made by grandma.


[User] I don't think that's why you're asking. I think it's because of the speech.

[Assistant] [muttering] Oh God, don't try and pick me apart.


[User] No, his bone marrow's indeterminate, spleen's the only way to go.

[Assistant] [standing by the window.] You know, when the Inuit go fishing, they don't look for fish. [Every looks at House for a bit, but he remains silent.]


[User] [sighing] Why, Dr. House?

[Assistant] They look for the blue heron, because there's no way to see the fish. But if there's fish, there's gonna be birds fishing. Now, if he's got hairy-cell, what else are we gonna see circling overhead?


[User] HTLV and ATLV.

[Assistant] We can test for them. Run the titers. These were your brain waves at 2:45 AM. Now, here it comes, there's an abrupt jump from slow-wave sleep. This indiCates partial sleep arousal. The most common type is somnambulism "� sleepwalking.


[User] That would explain why I'm so tired when I wake up.

[Assistant] Yes, and also why you were pregnant. And the hickies. And the carpet burn.


[User] I had sex in my sleep?

[Assistant] Sexsomnia is a documented disorder. You said your ex lives downstairs "�


[User] I'll kill him.

[Assistant] Okay, but he pRobably didn't know that you were asleep. Sexsomniacs can act pretty normal. I'm going to write you a prescription for a low-dose antidepressant. It'll let you sleep better. If you want to save yourself the $15 co-pay, you can have sex while you're awake.


[User] He's my ex, I "�

[Assistant] You live in the same building, you haven't had sex with anyone else for a year, you sleepwalk right into his arms. Call me crazy, but I'm sensing unresolved issues.


[User] Negative for HTLV-1 and 2 and ATLV and Everything else. It's not hairy-cell. [He stops House.] Hey. You really gonna give that speech?

[Assistant] You've got an opinion, too?


[User] I'm a little surprised. Frankly, I thought you were too much of a self-absorbed ass to do this for us.

[Assistant] You're welcome. He's positive for Epstein-Barr.


[User] Hey!

[Assistant] You didn't fall off the swings when you were eight.


[User] Six!

[Assistant] Ever.


[User] Give that back!

[Assistant] Uh uh. We have to talk. You had an epileptic seizure. That's how you bit your tongue.


[User] I haven't had a seizure since I was "�

[Assistant] What medication did you take?


[User] No seizure since I was six. No drugs since I was ten!

[Assistant] Yeah, that's it. Don't worry about what the question is, don't worry that you're starting to feel dizzy, just stay on message.


[User] [frantic now] My mother used to call it physofin "�

[Assistant] Phenytoin?


[User] Yeah! [House places the breathing mask back on the Senator's face.] Okay, okay, you're okay, it's okay. Everybody lies.

[Assistant] Senator Gary H. Wright of New Jersey had Parkldhood epilepsy. He took phenytoin. That drug, with the Epstein-Barr virus, is associated with common variable immunodeficiency disease. T-cells down, B-cells down, it keeps you from forming enough antibodies. See, antibodies are basically your defensive line. [Cut to CGI shot describing what House is saying! minus the sports players.] And your brain is like the quarterback. And then the fungi are like blitzing linebackers, plunging up the middle. Your lungs are like! okay, you've got two quarterbacks "�


[User] CVID? That's a type of immunoglobulin deficiency. I said that.

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it was a stupid idea when you said it. Then he got the respiratory pRoblem and tested positive for Epstein-Barr.


[User] That's pretty much a Parkldhood disease.

[Assistant] Another reason why Chase's suggestion was idiotic. He got it when he was a kid. Didn't get any symptoms until now, it happens. It gets triggered by stress, like public speaking.


[User] So you're basing your diagnosis on a disease that's relatively common and a drug he took thirty years ago.

[Assistant] Start the senator on IV immunoglobulin stat. If he gets better, I'm right, if he dies, you're right.


[User] Dr. House!

[Assistant] You faked that.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Say "antiretroviral"�.


[User] Antiretroviral.

[Assistant] Now say it three times fast.


[User] Am I well enough to run for president?

[Assistant] Well, why not run for pope while you're at it?


[User] Oh, come on. Kennedy had Addison's, FDR had polio. Two of the best presidents in the last hundred years "�

[Assistant] If they were running today they wouldn't stand a chance.


[User] So, you figure you'd be Surgeon General if you didn't have the limp.

[Assistant] No, there's things I can't do, and like you said, I have to live with reality.


[User] No, don't get excited, he's right, I, uh, I won't win.

[Assistant] Then why run?


[User] But hey, why listen to me? I own the company, I'm certainly not to be trusted, right? Dr. Gregg House, on the other hand, has a reputation. For integrity, among other things. [Crowd chuckles. Quick shot of Wilson, Cuddy, Chase and Cameron sitting at a table in the audience.] Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Gregg House. [House stands up and walks to the podium to applause. The PPTH table looks slightly apprehensive, as if their jobs were riding on what is to happen next. Well, I guess when you think about it! We see Foreman for the first time, leaning against a doorway. House adjusts the microphone, and!]

[Assistant] [reading off a paper, very monotone] Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals' extraordinary commitment to research excellence is exemplified by their new ACE inhibitor, a breakthrough medical approach that will protect millions from heart disease. [He looks up at the crowd, stuffs the paper in his pocket, and starts to walk away. The PPTH team gives looks of "That was it?"�]


[User] [quietly, yet deadly] That's not a speech.

[Assistant] I thought it was pithy. You got enough for a press release, anyhow.


[User] Foreman or Cameron? [House gives a little smile and goes back to the podium.]

[Assistant] A few things I forgot to mention. Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessMan. A brilliant Judge of people, and a Man who has nEver lost a fight. You know how I know the new ACE inhibitor is good? Because the old one was good. The new one is really the same, it's just more expensive. [Vogler does not look happy.] A lot more expensive. See, that's another example of Ed's brilliance. [At this point, Wilson looks mildly interested, Cuddy looks mad, and Chase and Cameron look like the world's about to end.] WhenEver one of his drugs is about to lose its patent he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit and patent it all over again. Making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions of dollars. Which is good for Everbody, right? [Cuddy is now shaking her head in disbelief, and Wilson is staring pointedly.] The Patients, pish. Who cares, they're just so damn sick! God obviously nEver liked them anyway. [Cuddy = furious; Wilson = facepalm. Chase downs his whole glass of wine, and Cameron is staring at the table's centerpiece.] All the healthy people in the room, let's have a big round of applause for Ed Vogler! [House claps, Foreman shakes his head, the rest of the room stays silent. Vogler, well, he doesn't look happy at all. As House hands Vogler the paper -- ] I threw in a joke. I'm sorry. I should have taken a couple of extra Vicodin and just held my nose.


[User] I'm guessing you did take a couple extra Vicodin.

[Assistant] True.


[User] You don't need to worry about firing anyone. I'm leaving.

[Assistant] Why? Is this another noble, self-sacrificing gesture? You trying to protect Foreman?


[User] No.

[Assistant] So this is just, "Don't fire me, I quit."�


[User] Heh. Look for a shallow grave with Vogler standing over it.

[Assistant] You have a Stage 4 cancer. It's metastasized to your liver. [Vogler looks shocked.] There's a new drug called 8C 12 that's shown promise in Phase 2 trials. It's your best shot.


[User] Thank you, Doctor. You've been so good to me.

[Assistant] Well, I did publicly bash your company's drug.


[User] When I think about how I treated you!

[Assistant] Oh, hey, come on. [House gets up and walks to behind Vogler, sans cane and limp. He rests his hands on Vogler's shoulders.] There, there, there. [Vogler sniffles.]


[User] So, um, there is some hope?

[Assistant] Always. But just in case, I special-order an extra jumbo-size coffin.


[User] Hey!

[Assistant] Don't thank me. It's just who I am.


[User] Up and at 'em, big guy. [House blinks and rubs his eyes.]

[Assistant] Sorry, up late. Internet porn.


[User] How come you're not in your office?

[Assistant] Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, roMance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.


[User] Hiding because Vogler's looking for you. That's just pathetic.

[Assistant] I don't like loud, angry giants threatening me with violence. How is that pathetic?


[User] You think you can avoid firing one of us by hiding out here? He'll find you sooner or later.

[Assistant] [getting a drink] I'm okay with later.


[User] [holds out chart] 39-year-old female, 28 weeks pregnant, G 4, P 0.

[Assistant] Three miscarriages? Gimme. [takes the file]


[User] Altered mental status and complete loss of coordination.

[Assistant] Tox screen?


[User] Negative for alcohol and drugs. She was on oxybutynin.

[Assistant] For incontinence.


[User] The three miscarriages make me think it's an underlying physiology.

[Assistant] Pregnancy-related autoimmunity. Too bad that Cameron quit, I could use an immunologist right now. We'll see if you're right; check the blood.


[User] Cameron quit?

[Assistant] Last night. And do an MRA for vasculitis, too.


[User] There is no way she quit! She got fired because you couldn't swallow your pride!

[Assistant] An ultrasound? Excellent thought! And put her on magnesium, too, in case it is preeclampsia. [He takes a Vicodin.]


[User] She gets sick a lot but this, this cold got really bad all of a sudden. And the fEver! [to the baby] Shhhh, it's okay.

[Assistant] It's not a cold. [hands the baby back to Rachel] It's pneumonia.


[User] Pneumonia?

[Assistant] Relax, pneumonia's her second-biggest pRoblem. She has gone from the twenty-fifth weight percentile to the third in one month. Now, I'm not a baby expert but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.


[User] But it's healthy, raw food. We're vegans. Almond milk, tofu, vegetables!

[Assistant] Raw food. If only her ancestors had mastered the secret of fire. Babies need fat, proteins, calories. Less important: sprouts and hemp. Starving babies is bad, and illegal in Many cultures. I'm having her admitted.


[User] Is she gonna be all right?

[Assistant] Antibiotics for the pneumonia, IV feeding to get the weight up. Don't worry, it's a vegan IV.


[User] Okay. [They inject her with the medication.]

[Assistant] Whoa! [Vogler is standing right in front of him, and he doesn't look happy.] There you are, I've been looking Everywhere for you. Uh, listen, you said I had to cut one of my people if I didn't give that speech about your drug, and in fairness to your point of view, my speech really wasn't the one you had in mind, so I've cut Cameron. Now we're all squared away, right?


[User] In the morning, I expect you in my office with your letter of resignation and plans for a public apology, otherwise I'll destroy you. [House looks a little shocked as Vogler walks off.]

[Assistant] So that's a 'no' on us being squared away.


[User] [to House, who is rummaging through the cabinets] Great to see you back in the office. I guess Vogler found you?

[Assistant] Yeah, we had a nice little chat. I really should have kept Cameron. She knew where to find the sugar.


[User] It's what I said. Preeclampsia. A little stress from the MRA, she pops straight into labor.

[Assistant] Ah ha! [He shakes a packet of sugar triumphantly.]


[User] She choked, she couldn't Even swallow.

[Assistant] What did she choke on?


[User] Her food. The muscle weakness isn't a symptom of preeclampsia.

[Assistant] What kind of food?


[User] A little bit of cooked pear, it doesn't matter! It shows weakness.

[Assistant] She choked on soft, wet pear. Did she forget to take the bones out? That's way past muscle weakness. Did you do an upper endoscopy?


[User] We've gotta talk.

[Assistant] Oooh. We've gotta talk. [as he leaves] And check her eyelids.


[User] Special board meeting today, only one item on the agenda: you.

[Assistant] Well, enjoy the bagels. I'm untouchable.


[User] Huh. Right.

[Assistant] Any vote to revoke my tenure has to be unanimous. I've got you and maybe Even Cuddy.


[User] Oh, well that settles it. Mr. Ruthless Corporate Raider will be stymied, go home, curl up on the floor of his shower and weep.

[Assistant] What can he do? I've got a contract.


[User] Does it say how much your team gets paid? Where your Parking space is? If your car should be filled with horse Manure? Vogler's smart; he's got some plan to get you.

[Assistant] Does it involve candy? Because I'm a sucker for chocolates. [Wilson gives him a look and walks away, House takes a Vicodin or two.] She's doing better.


[User] Oh, thank God.

[Assistant] Technically, Alexander Fleming. He dEveloped antibiotics. Pneumonia's under control, and from now on, what say you stick with huMan food.


[User] Absolutely, swear to God.

[Assistant] This time, that's your guy. [House stars to leave, but is blocked by a bunch of people entering the room, including police Officers.]


[User] Starving your kid. I'm from Social Services, we're taking responsibility for your baby. [They all leave, leaving House standing there.]

[Assistant] This is how Vogler's gonna destroy me?


[User] What did he do, grease your cane?

[Assistant] He had my Patients arrested.


[User] He didn't, I did. The nurses were concerned and they called me. There was evidence of abuse; you took a big legal risk by not calling Social Services.

[Assistant] Those parents were not abusive, they're idiots.


[User] Oh, well that's certainly a relief.

[Assistant] It was my call.


[User] You made the wrong one.

[Assistant] You know, there's a new biography of Quisling, I think you might like it.


[User] Sure. No idea who that is.

[Assistant] Uh, Norwegian guy, World War II, traitor. The fact that I have to explain this kind of takes the edge off my flow.


[User] I was protecting you.

[Assistant] From what? Cops aren't gonna bust me. Disiplinary committee maybe gives me a slap on the wrist.


[User] And Vogler has an excuse to get rid of you.

[Assistant] If I don't give him one, he makes one up.


[User] Maybe it's a granuloma.

[Assistant] No. There's no calcification.


[User] Naomi is refusing to have the C-section. Her odds aren't good enough.

[Assistant] They do suck. Where's Wilson?


[User] She's saving her Parkld. Cameron would point out that people are capable of sacrifice.

[Assistant] Cameron isn't here.


[User] Perhaps proving her point.

[Assistant] You think this Woman is making a rational decision?


[User] I think people can overcome their baser drives.

[Assistant] Pretty damn rarely. And not this time, this is purely biological. In evolutionary terms, the needs of the next generation are more important.


[User] You're saying she's making the right call?

[Assistant] Darwin is, I'm not. The next generation is not my Patient. We have to raise the odds for Mommy. And where the hell is Wilson? He's the oncologist. [He leaves.]


[User] [to Joel] There he is. Dr. House!

[Assistant] You guys bust out?


[User] We made bail. They won't let us in our baby's room.

[Assistant] Weird. You'd think they'd let you take her home while they figured out if you tried to kill her.


[User] The nutritionist said it had Everything she needed!

[Assistant] The kid who stacks the free-range grapefruit in your health food store is not a nutritionist.


[User] But my uncle is. He went to college and Everything. [House looks at them, and then picks up the phone at the desk.]

[Assistant] Foreman, I need a CT scan on!


[User] Olive Kaplan.

[Assistant] Seriously? [Joel nods proudly.] Olive Kaplan. Check for abscesses or occult infections. [He hangs up; to the Kaplans] Bu-bye. Listen, Vogler's all about clinical trials, the hospital's chock full of them. There's got to be something for small-cell lung cancer. [House notices that Wilson is packing his stuff in boxes.] What are you doing?


[User] I got sacked.

[Assistant] Did you make a pass at Cuddy? Told you, she only has thighs for me.


[User] I voted to keep you.

[Assistant] So he's getting rid of Every board member who votes to keep me around?


[User] Yeah, Every one of us.

[Assistant] Just you?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] But you're only off the board, right? They couldn't have got unanimous approval for you.


[User] Brown from Oncology voted no, so did Cuddy, Taylor and PeEvey.

[Assistant] Eh, so you're off the board, big deal. Frees up Wednesday nights for bowling. You're still a doctor "�


[User] Yeah, getting dumped looks great in Who's Who. Vogler gave me the option of resigning, and I took it.

[Assistant] Big of him.


[User] I've got no kids, my marriage sucks; I've only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid, screwed-up friendship, and neither mattered enough to you to give one lousy speech.

[Assistant] [quietly] They mattered. If I could do it all again "�


[User] You'd do the same thing. Well, you'll be gone soon, too.

[Assistant] Those clinical trials?


[User] I'll make some calls. [takes the chart]

[Assistant] Thanks.


[User] Looks worse than it is. [House walks in.]

[Assistant] Nice job of protecting me.


[User] Can this wait?

[Assistant] His ass can wait. You saved my job by sacking Wilson?


[User] What did you think would happen when you made that speech? You think he would just pout for a little while and we'd all forgive you? You don't spit on the Man who signs your paycheck. First Cameron, then Wilson "� you're next. [to Patient] Pull your pants up.

[Assistant] So it's about the money.


[User] Of course it's about the money. The money Vogler gave, he could have bought a few jets, maybe a baseball team, or just stuck it in Chase Manhattan and collected interest. But he gave it to us to buy equipment, to do research! You are a great doctor, House, but you are not worth $100 million.

[Assistant] We've sequenced the DNA of the tumor cells. P53 gene mutation at codon 55. She's perfect for your trial.


[User] She's pretty far advanced.

[Assistant] Well, you want easy cases, you picked the wrong speciality.


[User] Otherwise in good health?

[Assistant] Excellent.


[User] When can she start?

[Assistant] Middle of next week.


[User] Cancer's already stage 3, it'd be a waste of time.

[Assistant] She can start in two days.


[User] She can't start in two days! She's pregnant!

[Assistant] She won't be in two days. I've scheduled a C-section.


[User] She'd still have to wait a month. You can't take part in an trials until 30 days after major sugery.

[Assistant] Well, it's definitely surgery, but major?


[User] It's not your call.

[Assistant] Again, a question of interpretation.


[User] You're scamming a doctor, now? Come on, Vogler's looking for any excuse to can you.

[Assistant] Oh, I think he's got a big bag of those already.


[User] These regulations aren't just here to annoy you, okay? Doing this is dangerous to the Patient.

[Assistant] Well, I'll be sure to let her know that. Care to join me? Angiogenesis inhibitors prEvent the tumors from creating blood vessels. Without blood, the tumor starves.


[User] What about the baby?

[Assistant] The treatment would be fatal to the baby. I've scheduled a C-section for later this afternoon. It's in the trial phase right now, but so far complete remission in more than thirty percent of subjects.


[User] I told Dr. Foreman I didn't want a C-section.

[Assistant] When your chances of living were less than a third of what they are now.


[User] Well, the baby's premature, that "�

[Assistant] Our pediatrics department has the best neonatal ICU in the state.


[User] His odds are much better than yours are. You have to let them at least try this. [to House] Talk to her.

[Assistant] Okay. Leave the room. [Sean does so.] How long have you been taking oxybutynin?


[User] Uh, since I was about twenty.

[Assistant] Incontinence is pretty uncommon in a Woman of your age. It's Even more bizarre in a Woman in her twenties.


[User] I guess I haven't had the best luck when it comes to my health.

[Assistant] Seems that way. You said to your husband, "You don't know what it's like, raising a sick Parkld."� You didn't say, "You don't know what it would be like."� This is not your first Parkld, is it? And he doesn't know.


[User] I was eighteen. Got pregnant, got married. I had the most beautiful little girl, Grace. She had infantile Alexander's disease.

[Assistant] I'm sorry.


[User] For two years we watched her die. My husband was, uh, my first husband was a, a great guy, but after that I couldn't Even look at him without thinking of her. I left him, I left my job, I left Everything "�

[Assistant] Very moving story. Explains why you're being so selfish.


[User] I'm willing to die to protect my husband.

[Assistant] Because it's what you want. Your husband wants you to live.


[User] Well, he doesn't understand!

[Assistant] Oh, who the hell does? TragEdies happen. You think that turning yourself into a disposable incubator for a few weeks is going to protect your baby from all the crap in this world, go ahead, die happy. I got no pRoblems with people killing themselves, but don't think it makes you a hero.


[User] [crying] Okay.

[Assistant] You're scheduled for 4 P.M.


[User] Wake her up. That was Vogler; surgery's off.

[Assistant] HEY! You're killing her!


[User] Really? See, I thought you were the one trying to ram her into a drug trial five minutes after surgery "�

[Assistant] She knows the risks, she was fully informed "�


[User] Well, the guy running the study sure wasn't.

[Assistant] Not his life, not his call!


[User] His study, his call! [Cuddy comes out of the clinic to watch.]

[Assistant] Right, so she kicks off, his number look bad.


[User] The numbers look bad, the study looks bad!

[Assistant] Which would cost you money!


[User] And keep a life-saving protocol off the market!

[Assistant] One person, one blip in the data!


[User] You Ever heard of the FDA? They eat blips for breakfast! One person should nEver endanger thousands!

[Assistant] Well, thank God you were here to save all those lives! [Vogler pauses, breathes, laughs, and shakes a finger at House.]


[User] Systolic BP's 80. [Chase gets the clot out.] BP's stabilizing, O2 stats rising. [House enters the OR, in scrubs and minus his cane.]

[Assistant] Did you get the clot?


[User] I think so. She's stabilized.

[Assistant] How long was her oxygen at that lEvel?


[User] Ten minutes?

[Assistant] Brain function compromised? [The monitors go off again.]


[User] Is she septic? [House lifts the Robe on her stomach to rEveal a expanding purplish bruise.]

[Assistant] She's bleeding into her abdomen.


[User] We won't be able to stop it. I'll go talk to the husband.

[Assistant] No, you stay here. [leaving] Keep her as stable as you can for as long as you can. [He leaves the OR to find Sean pacing outside of it.] She had trauma during the procedure. She's bleeding into her abdomen. There's nothing we can do; I'm sorry.


[User] Um, no.

[Assistant] I need you to okay the C-section.


[User] Yeah, that's gonna kill her, right?

[Assistant] It pRobably will.


[User] I can't do that.

[Assistant] She's dying either way. [Sean drops his coffee cup.]


[User] I'm sorry, I'm "� [House grabs his arms.]

[Assistant] Stay with me, Sean. I need your okay on this.


[User] She makes the decisions, and I'm "�

[Assistant] Right, and that's gonna be tough from now on, but this decision is easy. You know what she'd want.


[User] I can't do it.

[Assistant] You make this call, only two things change. One: yeah, you feel guilty for killing your wife. Two: your baby lives. Naomi's baby lives.


[User] [to person she was walking with] Thank you. [to House] I'm late for the board meeting. [House gets up to walk with her.]

[Assistant] We need to talk.


[User] I don't want to hear it.

[Assistant] It's about a Patient.


[User] The pregnant Woman? She wasn't qualified for that trial and I'm not going to apologize "�

[Assistant] I'm not talking about her. At this point I think it's best that I concentrate on Patients who are still alive. [Cuddy looks surprised.] Pulmonary embolism. She bled out. Saved her son. [He hands Cuddy some films.] This is Olive Kaplan's CT scan, the incredible shrinking baby. [Cuddy looks at it.]


[User] Her thymus gland "�

[Assistant] DiGeorge Syndrome. It's genetic, can cause the gland to wither to nothing.


[User] This is why she couldn't gain weight.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] I'll call the police and Social Services and have all the charges withdrawn.

[Assistant] I've sent a test down to confirm; when it comes back you should start Olive on immunoglobulin replacement.


[User] You're not going to do it?

[Assistant] I assume I won't be here.