[User] I already did. No vegetations. Valves are clear.

[Assistant] Snapilicious! But as I always like to say, it's better to be a helpful Helen than a negative Nelly. So while you're cooking up some ideas of your own, allow me to present theory 2.0 of why Chase hired you. Dr. Kelly, meet your doppelganger. [a picture of a diseased foot shows on the screen] Oh, no. Hold on a second.


[User] Is that!? That's baby Chase and his mama! That's adorable!

[Assistant] NEver mind the baby, peep the babe. Note the cheekbones and eye shape.


[User] They do actually look alike.

[Assistant] I know what you're thinking, Chase wants to sleep with his mom. But who wouldn't hit that if that looked like that? It's a classic case of what Freud called�


[User] You're wrong.

[Assistant] What do you mean he's wrong? It is about your mom?


[User] No.

[Assistant] So it's about!


[User] All we know is we don't see it. Dehydration from the fEver could hide the pneumonia.

[Assistant] Okay, forget the mom theory. Go water the Patient, treat for Legionnaire's.


[User] Dr. Chase's.

[Assistant] Well, you get major points for trying to trick me. Unfortunately, you lose 'em all for failing. Hold that. Hold that. See, now you're frowning. You can really see the resemblance.


[User] Seriously? A massage from a male hooker?

[Assistant] He was? Huh. That doesn't bother me at all. I guess we both learned a valuable lesson.


[User] Except that I didn't used to have sex with him, you idiot! Plus, he was a gay hooker.

[Assistant] Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a straight male hooker? [She starts to leave. He follows her.] Oh, come on. It's a massage. I don't care who gives it to you. Why not treat me the same way?


[User] I'm sure that some part of you beliEves this idiocy. But you can't possibly be stupid enough to think that you can convince any part of me. And that can only mean you're trying to sabotage this relationship.

[Assistant] Why would I do that? We're doing fine.


[User] Because the next step from fine is serious, and you can't handle that, so you're trying to keep me at arm's length with all this crap.

[Assistant] How about you?


[User] I have been completely open with you.

[Assistant] You won't let me sleep over. You basically haven't introduced me to your daughter.


[User] But do you want to spend time with her?

[Assistant] Honestly! before this, I'd have said no. But! yeah. How are we Ever gonna be a couple if you keep hiding her from me?


[User] House! I need to protect her. I let you into her life, and you go away!

[Assistant] Call it what it is. I'm not the only one who's holding back.


[User] What's happening to her?

[Assistant] It's hit her brain, whatEver it is.


[User] It could be nothing.

[Assistant] Which would get us nowhere. So let's assume it's something. What kind of something?


[User] But her delusions are consistent with mental illness. Bipolar disease, for example. She's 30. It could he hitting her right now for the first time.

[Assistant] So her mind just happens to fall apart right after her body? Wow, I thought I was having a bad week.


[User] I know it sounds coincidental!

[Assistant] You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could fire her and get rEvenge.


[User] Give her a break.

[Assistant] Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen!


[User] I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen.

[Assistant] You are a true leader of men. Get someone to cut into her head and get me a biopsy.


[User] Malaria. Dengue.

[Assistant] Why wasn't she frozen? This morning? Put a healthy person on a cooling blanket, they'd be Parklled like a fine Chardonnay. She's a nice warm Merlot. 98.6 all day.


[User] I didn't want her to freeze.

[Assistant] So you titrated the blanket. As her fEver dropped, you lowered the power.


[User] Exactly.

[Assistant] So it's been on the lowest setting since when?


[User] Yesterday afternoon.

[Assistant] Which means we could have known that her fEver was gone yesterday afternoon.


[User] Without vomiting?

[Assistant] When did she last puke?


[User] Not since she was admitted.

[Assistant] Two down. Shooting for three.


[User] You're gonna turn her pacemaker off? You sure that's a good idea?

[Assistant] Nope. But it might be. [He disconnects it. Nothing happens.] No tachycardia, there's only the delusions left. If they're Even still there.


[User] But it could have been prompted by the physical symptoms.

[Assistant] [epiphany] You couldn't be more wrong. You've got the cause and effect backwards. Start her on haloperidol and Lorazepam. Give it a few hours to take effect. Call me when she wakes.


[User] Still hallucinating.

[Assistant] Can you hear me? What are you looking at?


[User] The table, it's on fire.

[Assistant] If it was, think I'd be able to do this! [places hand in "fire"�] without screaming for my mommy? [The flames disappear.]


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] Don't be too impressed. It's mostly the happy pills you put her on. But she can talk to us now. The obviously stupid lie you told us about your hospital records, it turns out to have been un-obviously un-stupid. You thought you wouldn't get caught because you thought that you'd be cured and back home by the time we spoke to the other hospital. Because you knew what was wrong with you. Your doctor was treating you with Risperidone, right? That's why you were in Trenton. You got the stomach pain, you went to see him, he wanted you to taper off.


[User] Her doctor's not in Trenton.

[Assistant] Not the one you know about. If you haven't figured it out by now, your wife has a secret.


[User] What the hell is he talking about? Is it about your ex?

[Assistant] The ex was not so much a secret, more of a lie.


[User] Know-know about what?

[Assistant] She's sick. She's been sick for years. Maybe it put you on the streets. Maybe that's where you got the broken bones. She's only suffering from one condition. Everything else is side effects of the drug that was treating it. She stopped taking the drug, the side effects faded. But the underlying disease is still there. Why don't you tell your husband.


[User] Billy! I'm sParkzophrenic.

[Assistant] That's the kind of thing that a recent psyParkatric resident might have figured out.


[User] What the hell am I supposed to do now?

[Assistant] Nothing. Her physical symptoms are gone. We'll put her on a different anti-psychotic for the mental ones. You can take a nap.


[User] This is not who I married.

[Assistant] Of course she is. You just didn't know it.


[User] I don't know if I can stay with her.

[Assistant] Sorry, as your marriage counselor, I'm not allowed to talk to you without your wife present.


[User] Just-just tell me how hard it would be for us to handle this. Medically.

[Assistant] Look, if you want me to give you a reason to leave her, fine. Apparently you haven't noticed, but she's got a serious mental illness.


[User] It's too hard.

[Assistant] It's always hard.


[User] Okay, so I made a mistake. Kelly will make a fine doctor, but she's not ready for the team.

[Assistant] Up to you.


[User] What? You like her now?

[Assistant] Nope. But she got me to the right answer, which none of the rest of you did. If you want to give her another shot, go for it.


[User] Okay. I will.

[Assistant] Great. It'll make it easier for you to sleep with her. [He leaves the elevator, talking over his shoulder to Chase.] Come on, why else would you have hired her?


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] I got bored with the porn on my computer. You got any girl on girl on girl on vibrating object on girl stuff? I wouldn't have to do this if you gave me the name of that physical therapist you like.


[User] You done with Brandi?

[Assistant] Ehh! Knobby hands.


[User] I will get you the name. Let's stay at my place tonight, okay?

[Assistant] Will you get cable?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Then we'll have to have more sex.


[User] You want some more meat?

[Assistant] This is meat? [She smiles.] Yes, please. [He hands her his plate and smiles.] Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, kid. Come on, come on. Come on. Come on. [He gently pries the cane from her hands and mouth.] Hey, hey, hey. [sourly] Aren't you adorable.


[User] What's happening? [a hand partially obscures the camera lens] What's wrong with my baby? [the camera swings downward towards the floor] Why doesn't someone talk to me?!

[Assistant] Cancel your dinner plans. [Taub, Foreman, and Chase open the files] Short on medical history. She's only eight hours old. What she's not short on is doctors. Unfortunately, none of them have been able to solve her breathing pRoblems.


[User] I need you a minute. [she heads into House's office]

[Assistant] [brief pause] Silent reading time till I get back. [he follows Cuddy]


[User] My nanny called. Her daughter has a dance recital tonight. She can't work late. [House eyes her in confusion] And I have a board meeting tonight.

[Assistant] [shrugs] That's a pRoblem.


[User] My mother can't come. She has a cooking class.

[Assistant] Oh, you've really got a pRoblem.


[User] [sarcastically] If only there were... some mature adult in my life who could pinch hit in emergencies like this.

[Assistant] Love to, but I'm catParkng up on my back issues of Nudist Circus. You should see what the fat lady's got under her big top.


[User] All I need is a warm body. She'll be asleep the entire time.

[Assistant] I got a sick baby here who needs me. Yours is healthy.


[User] You could deal with your team by phone.

[Assistant] How about a little something extra when you get home?


[User] I'm not bargaining sex for babysitting. Besides, you owe me.

[Assistant] For what?


[User] Sex! I still don't see a female doctor in that room. It's making me very unhappy.

[Assistant] Fine. Out of the goodness of my heart, which will make you happy, which will make you desire me more, which will turn into more sex.


[User] The sperm donor card from the father did note a history of asthma.

[Assistant] What if her lung pRoblems are not coming from her lungs?


[User] Her liver enzymes are elevated.

[Assistant] When the liver fails, it stops producing proteins. Specifically the ones that keep your plasma inside your blood vessels and outside your lungs. Fix the liver, she'll have enough breath to keep the entire ward up all night. [the team begins to get up] Foreman... you need to stay after school. [the remainder of the team leaves the room] I apparently need to apologize. Last week, I should not have gone over your head and allowed Chase to hire a new team member. So go hire someone who liked The Bridges of Madison County.


[User] Do you want me to hire a white girl?

[Assistant] Go find a Woman, and wipe that self-satisfied grin off your face.


[User] This'll be quick. I've been interviewing people all week. I have it narrowed down to two candidates.

[Assistant] Well, narrow it down to one before Cuddy starts withholding sex.


[User] [smirks] Uh, she hasn't said anything to me about that.

[Assistant] I said, wipe the grin. [he leaves the room. Foreman looks after him almost affectionately.]


[User] I'm thirsty.

[Assistant] Your mommy says no, 'cause she's mean. [shrugs] If it was up to me...


[User] Juice!

[Assistant] No. Go back to bed. [she runs into the dining room instead.] I said bed! [she looks back at him mockingly and heads around the table] Wilson! Hey. [smiles] You up for a boys' night in?


[User] No. [long pause. He's leans closer to the phone] Are... you okay?

[Assistant] [sitting on Cuddy's couch with Rachel, attempting to calm her down] Just talking in a soothing voice. Not for your benefit. [cut back to team] Why? Is it turning you on? [Taub looks uncomfortable]


[User] House, there's someone here I need you to meet. I just hired Dr. Christina Fraser. She's a board certified�

[Assistant] Nice to meet you. [high, squeaky voice] You're fired.


[User] What did I do?

[Assistant] You had the misfortune to be the lesson that Foreman is learning. That whooshing sound is the air being let out of his ego.


[User] [angrily] You are such an ass, House. You could have made the same point without crushing the hopes of a young doctor who was actually excited to have this job.

[Assistant] No, I'm not sure I could have. [Chase looks tired, and Taub and Foreman dispirited] I think you give me far too much credit. Taub... [cut back to House and Rachel] it's your turn to find a young doctor who's actually excited to have this job.


[User] For you to fire?

[Assistant] Not until you or she earns it. [cut back to team] Dilated bile ducts could be congenital.


[User] That means that it's a stricture in the ducts themselves. Caroli's syndrome.

[Assistant] So, open her up.


[User] You told me you gave them your credit card...

[Assistant] And you were dumb enough to beliEve me. [Wilson walks into the House and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket] Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes... I'll be back in an hour and five.


[User] [follows House to the door] Ohhh, no, you don't.

[Assistant] Oh, yes, I do.


[User] [shocked] You're not gonna leave the kid?

[Assistant] Yes, I am. [he begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience.


[User] You're not gonna leave a two-year-old unattended.

[Assistant] Sure. I'm leaving her with you. A responsible adult. [he opens the door and leaves]


[User] Better get back in there. Kid's all alone. [they walk down Cuddy's front yard towards the street.]

[Assistant] It's kind of bugging you, isn't it?


[User] Not my pRoblem.

[Assistant] [they descend the steps to the sidewalk] Well, since, objectively, you care more about leaving a Parkld alone than I do, it kind of is.


[User] Objectively, since I nEver accepted this responsibility, it kind of isn't. [he opens his car door]

[Assistant] [mounts his motorcycle] True, and yet it is. Because you're you. I'm leaving.


[User] I'm leaving.

[Assistant] [confidently] You're not gonna leave. You can't. [Wilson struggles with that for a minute]


[User] [he turns his engine off and gets out of the car] Fine. You're right. [he walks up to House] You know what I can do? I can go in there and call a babysitting service for 15 bucks an hour, then call Cuddy and tell her who's watParkng her kid and why.

[Assistant] [he considers that, then turn off his engine as well.] I'll stay if you stay. [Wilson stands there for a long moment.]


[User] [he and House still frozen] ...We were gone two minutes.

[Assistant] [still appearing rather shellshocked] What have you got there, sweetie? [Rachel looks amused. Wilson kneels cautiously in front of her.] [coaxingly] Come on now, spit it out.


[User] [awkward baby-voice] Open... [Rachel opens her mouth, and Wilson attempts to find whatEver she was eating. She bites.] Ow! [he finally retriEves a quarter. House and Wilson look annoyed and frightened.]

[Assistant] [now in the foreground] Rachel... how Many coins did you eat? [Wilson nods encouragingly in the background. Rachel looks from one to the other and doesn't answer. House and Wilson look at each other.]


[User] [perusing the restaurant menu] Okay... you ordered the moo shoo pork... and the orange cashew Parkcken, right?

[Assistant] Like I always order. Did you clean up in there? [shrugs] Well, he could have shortchanged you. Fridge magnet's not getting anything.


[User] [exasperatedly] That's because it's a fridge magnet! Unless she swallowed a Canadian dime, it's not magnetic.

[Assistant] Really? [Wilson nods] I mean, kids swallow things all the time, right? [Wilson shrugs] I mean, she swallowed a dime, she poops it out. She'll be fine.


[User] If you don't tell Cuddy, I will go out there and tell her myself!

[Assistant] [hissing] Yeah? What are you gonna tell her? Are you gonna tell her that... you left coins out? [he advances on Wilson, who backs away] And you left her Parkld unsupervised?! [outraged] You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window!


[User] [enters the hall] Did she wake up at all? [House looks guilty, but says nothing]

[Assistant] ...One time.


[User] [immediately worried] That's not like her... is she all right?

[Assistant] She's fine. [Cuddy smiles and kisses him] How about I stay the night? Then you can really thank me.


[User] I have to get up early. You won't be able to sleep in.

[Assistant] I'm a deep sleeper. [Cuddy smiles and heads into her bedroom. House starts to follow her, but stops to look guiltily at Rachel's door.]


[User] [Half-awake] Huh?

[Assistant] [leans over her for a split-second, then leaves the room at a run] Relax, I got this.


[User] [bemused] Oh... thanks.

[Assistant] [cringes at the smell] Pfft! [Rachel laughs. House puts a small light in his mouth and begins examining the contents of Rachel's diaper. Cuddy wanders in, still looking half-awake.]


[User] Is Everything okay?

[Assistant] [snatches the light out of his mouth] Yeah, sorry, I'm just... new to all this.


[User] You want me to reset the alarm?

[Assistant] [opens one eye] God, no. Case is under control. I'm sleeping in.


[User] Hey, Marina! [House jumps up] Pasta's in the fridge

[Assistant] I assume, since you're calling so early, that the surgery was a rousing success.


[User] And I assume, since you still think we actually did the surgery, you haven't checked your messages in eight hours. Where are you?

[Assistant] I beliEve this is what your people term a "poopy call".


[User] [chuckles confusedly] Uh, the word is "booty".

[Assistant] Well, I don't know what you're doing, but this is a poopy call.


[User] It's not Caroli's syndrome. Dr. Cheng spotted a�

[Assistant] [confusedly] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?! I know about the Jew, the black, and the croc-hunter, but when did we get our Asian persuasion on?


[User] [exasperated] Dr. Cheng... is the NICU attending on the case. And she's not here.

[Assistant] Well, then I just wasted a perfectly good racial epithet.


[User] She spotted a vascular malformation in the baby's liver.

[Assistant] Good call... Except for Everything you just said. There's no way that our Patient has a vascular malformation. [stands up from Cuddy's bed.]


[User] And you can tell that from the vast amount of information you've gleaned from not being here?

[Assistant] Don't need to be there to remember that the Patient's A.L.T.s were three times normal. The baby's liver damage is far too extensive. Dr. Cheng's an idiot.


[User] In fairness, it wasn't completely her idea. More of a Foreman kinda thing. [Foreman looks indignant, and Taubs shrugs at him.]

[Assistant] Well, then you're an Even bigger idiot for trying to cover for her.


[User] House, we treated for a vascular malformation, and she got better!

[Assistant] [pause] No, she didn't. Call me when she crashes again. [hangs up]


[User] [quietly] All right, she's in her office. Move fast.

[Assistant] [cautiously pushing the cart inside] You see a double-wide tuchus coming this way, you scream like a girl.


[User] [nervously] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy Everything.

[Assistant] She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window. [they hurry through the lobby. Cuddy can be seen emerging from the clinic in the background.]


[User] [puts his outspread hands up to his temples] Hello... I'm the friendly moose who lives outside your bedroom. [Rachel looks upset and pulls her shirt up over her eyes.]

[Assistant] [annoyed] She hates that moose.


[User] [to Rachel] ...Okay.

[Assistant] [to Taub over the phone] Make it short. And do not pardon the pun. [Wilson gestures for the ultrasound wand, and House hands it to him.]


[User] [choppy and indistinct] She's crashing again. Where are you?

[Assistant] [backs into the door, where a "no cell phones' sign is visible] Is it actually important that I understand what you say?


[User] What? [the call disconnects]

[Assistant] Yeah?


[User] The baby's bleeding again.

[Assistant] I'm shocked! Oh, no, wait a minute � that's you.


[User] [looking at the ultrasound monitor] House, come take a look at this.

[Assistant] Hold that thought. [he presses the phone into his shoulder and goes to stand next to Wilson.]


[User] [points at the screen] Just past the ileocecal valve.

[Assistant] [worried] It's nothing. It's just an irregularity.


[User] It's a dime!

[Assistant] Or a pocket of air.


[User] Yeah, with FDR's face on it.

[Assistant] That's not a face. It's a shadow.


[User] House, the thing is perfectly round.

[Assistant] Well, move the wand to the side.


[User] Gonna tickle you Even more! [to House] Look at"�look at that.

[Assistant] [shakes his head] We need an X-ray to be sure.


[User] I saw your extension on the call. What are you doing down here?

[Assistant] Uh, Wilson's got a two-year-old with cancer. She's in a lot of pain. It's very sad. He also has an outstanding bedside Manner. [Taub still looks suspicious]


[User] ...Her liver failure is getting worse. You were right. Now what?

[Assistant] The interesting question is not why she's worse now, but why she got better in the first place.


[User] Could have been something we did that temporarily reliEved the�

[Assistant] What'd you put her on again?


[User] After the transfusion, we gave her steroids, dopamine, and the anti � [pauses] steroids can treat idiopathic hepatic fibrosis. It would explain why she got better and then worse.

[Assistant] But not the multiple dilated ducts.


[User] [from inside the room] House, I need you back in here! [Taub looks at House pleadingly]

[Assistant] Cancer kid trumps liver kid. [he enters the room and Taub tries to follow him.] Sorry. Confidentiality. There are rules, you know. [he slams the door in Taub's face]


[User] That... is a dime.

[Assistant] [looks at the monitor] It looks mobile. And it's right in the middle of the colon. Prime location for pooping out. We'll give her some laxatives to help it on its way.


[User] [to Rachel] Sounds to me like someone's going to get some yummy chocolate. [he imitates a chewing motion with his hand, and Rachel does the same.]

[Assistant] [looks at Wilson and takes the ultrasound wand back from him] You're gonna make a great mommy one day. [He gets his epiphany-face and rushes to the door. Taub is still outside.] Thanks for waiting. Hook the mom up to the baby. Direct blood transfusion.


[User] ...And what else?

[Assistant] Nothing else. [He retreats into the exam room, and Taub gapes at the door.]


[User] [looks at the Parkld] It's amazing. She's pink and healthy again.

[Assistant] Mother's touch.


[User] A blood transfusion isn't a cure.

[Assistant] Or a miracle.


[User] [quietly] Then why does the baby seem like she's cured?

[Assistant] I have no idea. Our Patient can either go through life with the world's longest umbilical cord, or we can discuss the differential for magic blood. [The door slides open, and Dr. Cheng walks out. Taub beckons to her.]


[User] [smiles and approaches them] Baby's O2-stats

[Assistant] Either you're Dr. Cheng, or you're early for my Mani-pedi.


[User] I thought her expertise could�

[Assistant] Could tell us the O2-stats. [speaks to Cheng] I hope you come with some original ideas. [Chase does a double-take.]


[User] Either the mom's blood is special, which would mean it's treating something specific, which means the baby has a disease... Or mom's blood is just blood, and it's replacing something the baby is missing, which means the baby has a simple deficiency.

[Assistant] Given the liver failure, a deficiency of clotting factors, enzymes, or vitamins are the most likely.


[User] So let's find out. Hook the baby up to someone else's blood and see if she gets better.

[Assistant] Find a donor.


[User] I'm O Negative, universal donor.

[Assistant] Hook yourself up. Dr. Cheng, hook me up. Walk with me. [they head down the hall.] My team seems to have taken a shine to you.


[User] I like them too.

[Assistant] I assume you're hanging around because you want a job.


[User] That would be a fair assumption.

[Assistant] Well, I'm gonna have to test you. Let's say, two-year-old... swallowed a coin twenty hours ago. She's gonna be fine, right?


[User] Any signs of obstruction?

[Assistant] For the purposes of this quiz, let's say "not yet".


[User] I'd give a laxative, although I wouldn't wait too long. Her bowel could become ischemic, or worse, an intussusception.

[Assistant] [look uncomfortable] Define "too long."


[User] Another six hours, max. By then, her system is clear. If it's not out, it's not coming out.

[Assistant] And then what do I do? [hastily] I mean, what do you do? It's your test.


[User] [slightly surprised] I'd go in with a scope and get it. [pause] Did I pass?

[Assistant] [enters the men's bathroom] It's not up to me. Talk to Taub. [to Wilson, who's giving Rachel laxative candies] Men's room?


[User] Turns out toilets are handy in this situation. And I felt relatively sure that Cuddy wouldn't come in.

[Assistant] Oh, Cuddy's been in here.


[User] Seriously? This must be a terrible place to have s� [he cuts himself off, remembering Rachel's presence., and gestures awkwardly.]

[Assistant] [leers at Wilson] Is there such a place? [brings himself back to the situation at hand.] Okay, six more hours, then we're going in with a scope and pulling it out.


[User] Scope a two-year-old? It's dangerous.

[Assistant] And as you keep pointing out, so is a dime ripping through her intestines.


[User] Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. [sarcastically] But no big deal. I'll just scream "look over there!" while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.

[Assistant] I could offer to baby-sit again, let her have the night out.


[User] Sure. That won't raise any suspicions.

[Assistant] I wish I was nicer. [something catches his eye] Hey. Give me your radiation dosimeter.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because it matches my eyes. [Wilson gives up and hands him the dosimeter. House leaves.]


[User] [sits down] PRoblems in radiology. A radiation dosimeter badge turned positive. I could have a CT Scanner that's leaking... a spilled vial of thallium somewhere... I don't Even know whose badge it was. The code was scratched off.

[Assistant] [looks confused] That had to be intentional. I mean, why would anyone�


[User] [covers her eyes with her hand] I don't know. All I know is that I'm gonna need to work late. I was actually hoping that you could baby-sit.

[Assistant] [overly dramatic] Nooo...


[User] Please.

[Assistant] [whiny] Two nights in a row?


[User] Please.

[Assistant] I have a life, you know.


[User] [leans over his desk, deliberately exposing her cleavage] I will make it worth your while.

[Assistant] I am not going to bargain babysitting for sex. [is distracted by said cleavage] Who the hell said that? Of course I will.


[User] I found a mole under the nail on her left index finger. The biopsy rEvealed it's melanoma.

[Assistant] That's it? [is distracted by the team's take-out meal] How come no one got me food?


[User] What do you mean, "that's it"? The Woman has melanoma. She could die if we don't�

[Assistant] Boring. Since the baby has the melanoma, we kind of already knew the mom had it.


[User] Yes, but now we know where it is, so we can � [she is distracted as House attempts to take Taub's food and Taub slaps House's hand away] ...treat it much more effectively, so...

[Assistant] Great. So treat her. Also boring. What's interesting is that mom's melanoma spread to the baby in-utero, which means it's metastatic, which means it's late stage. How Many people with a late stage melanoma are as healthy as she is?


[User] Clearly, something's going on in mom's blood that's treating her melanoma as well as her baby's.

[Assistant] Antibodies.


[User] If her immune system was fighting the melanoma, it nEver would have spread.

[Assistant] Exactly, which means it's fighting something else, and the melanoma cells are getting caught in the crossfire. So what's mom's immune system really shooting at?


[User] Or infections that cause granulomas, TB, mycobacteria.

[Assistant] See, Dr. Cheng? This is not boring. [she smiles] Start with auto-immune. Go test her blood. [to Taub] And leave your food. [Taub picks up his meal and stalks out of the room. House looks disgruntled.]


[User] You brought food? This is a medical procedure, not a dinner date!

[Assistant] I'm aware that this is a deliCate procedure. I'm also aware that my hands are shaking from low blood sugar 'cause I haven't eaten all day. So while this may seem insensitive, this crucial, lifesaving moo shoo � [he looks in the paper bag and is pulled up short] where are my extra pancakes? Damn it, they forgot the extra pancakes for my moo shoo pork. Every time that new girl with the blue streak in her hair answers the phone, they screw up. Was she there when you picked up the food?!


[User] You ordered extra pancakes?? How much did they cost? [They dive for the menu.] Where�

[Assistant] [points to the paper] 55 cents. And there were two.


[User] So that means the total on the last bill was�

[Assistant] Was� [together] $18.42.


[User] ...Yeah. [he sinks down on the couch.] So the image that we saw on the ultrasound�

[Assistant] Was obviously just a pocket of air, like I said all along. But you saw the worst case scenario... [sits next to Wilson] ...like Every irrational, worried parent. [leans forward and snags the bag of food from the table, then settles back down.] You'd make a terrible mommy. [digs in the bag.]


[User] I'll make sure you nEver forget her... and what she did for you. She was just trying to be the best mom in the world. She was. [she kisses the baby's forehead, and Foreman walks in with a bag of Abbey's blood. Justine stands aside as he begins to prepare the transfusion.]

[Assistant] [eyes still closed] This one's all yours.


[User] What happened to helping out?

[Assistant] ...I did.


[User] What's that smell? Onions? Peppers? Oh, I know! It's a sausagefest.

[Assistant] Sausagefest implies multiples. Now, if you're talking about yardage, I'd have to agree.


[User] I'm talking about your department. You still haven't replaced Thirteen.

[Assistant] It's coming along.


[User] You've had plenty of time to find someone.

[Assistant] I've found plenty of someones. Just haven't kept them.


[User] She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out the time before med school getting PhDs in both applied math and art history.

[Assistant] She'll be incredibly useful if my next Patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.


[User] This isn't a suggestion.

[Assistant] Just because my sausage has been filling your bun, it doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor Parkps I nosh on during the day.


[User] Patient is Joe Dugan, 42, political consultant. Presents with palpable purpura, and ALT and AST are through the roof.

[Assistant] Otherwise known as rash and liver damage. Fascinating.


[User] Senator Anderson sent this case to us, and personally requested we take a look. That's reason enough for me.

[Assistant] Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this?


[User] I tried calling him on the brother hotline. He didn't pick up.

[Assistant] Martha M. Masters? I'm Dr. House. This is the rest of the team. Boring, Bimbo, and Bite-size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor. Take a seat.


[User] She's a med student?

[Assistant] Cuddy thinks she's some kind of genius. Say something brilliant.


[User] Oh, I! I don't!

[Assistant] Capital of Azerbaijan?


[User] Baku.

[Assistant] Year Beethoven died?


[User] 1827

[Assistant] 20th decimal of Euler's number?


[User] Six. (she giggles) It's my favorite constant.

[Assistant] She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait! the Internet has breasts. (He sits down.)


[User] Our Patient's liver damage explains the rash and cryoglobulins we found in his blood, but we can't explain the liver damage. Shows no other signs of drug or alcohol abuse.

[Assistant] Now all we've gotta do is figure out which one is bimbo and which one is bite-size. Also, which monster truck won the 2004 thunder nationals?


[User] Test came back negative. Same for Hep A and B.

[Assistant] The answer we were looking for is Virginia Giant. Feel free to Parkme in on either conversation. (she nods.)


[User] Tetrachloroethylene. Could Even be pennyroyal or sassafras oil.

[Assistant] Go to his House, get me some chemicals. (addressing Masters) You wanna stay on this team, have an opinion. (she leaves the room with the team.)


[User] A jug of unpasteurized cider. It could be tainted with E coli, and that's what's causing the liver to shut down.

[Assistant] E coli is found in animals. So unless he's drinking pork cider! (Having a fake epiphany) Pork cider! (Points at Taub) I need the number of the patent office.


[User] Masters refused to go on the search with us.

[Assistant] Interesting. Which raises the question, (looking suspiciously at Taub) what is your pRoblem with her?


[User] He is intimidated by her intelligence.

[Assistant] Why would that bother Taub? He's been working with people smarter than him for a long time. I think perky new girl makes him feel old.


[User] She's basically the same age as Thirteen.

[Assistant] Yeah, but she's a student. Makes you contemplate your med school days. Back when you had hair, muscle tone, and no need for a regular prostate exam.


[User] Makes sense. Just like E coli. Orchards make cider out of apples they can't sell otherwise, like if they've fallen onto the ground. Like, into some cow feces.

[Assistant] Which would mean our esteemed Patient is literally full of B.S. Cool. Go get the ingenue, start the Patient on aztreonam and plasmapheresis.


[User] We think it's a transient ischemic attack. The clot must have broken up before we could find it. He was temporarily paralyzed, but he's regaining mobility and speech.

[Assistant] So, what causes rash, liver failure, clots, and the uncontrollable urge to rat out your coworkers? Oh, no, wait! (He leans close to Masters.) That last one was you, not the Patient.


[User] I wasn't trying to rat. I was clearly trying to honor my ethical obligation. Portal vein thrombosis could be caused by Wilson's disease?

[Assistant] Hooray! (He throws his cup full of confetti at her to celebrate her first diagnosis) You popped your cherry, diagnostically speaking. Unfortunately, the first time always sucks. Pitch doesn't make any sense. Dugan's cornea was normal. You're obviously brilliant. So why would you hide your mind?


[User] I was brainstorming.

[Assistant] I'm not talking about your stupid ideas about the Patient. I mean your stupid ideas about morality.


[User] Not without diminished mental capacity, loss of judgment. Disseminated intravascular coagulation, howEver, fits.

[Assistant] Rules are just helpful guidelines for stupid people who can't make up their own mind. You obviously don't fit into that Category, so why put yourself there?


[User] No, his tactics. He's most likely the one who leaked it and all the commentators are saying Anderson will catch a major backlash.

[Assistant] And honesty's a great idea until your Patient asks if her distended abdomen makes her looks fat.


[User] House, I hate to interrupt your ethics Debate, but we have two solid ideas on the table.

[Assistant] CT from his neck to his abdomen for neuroendocrine tumors. Run a D-dimer and fibrinogen for D.I.C. Masters. If lying to a Patient saved their life, would you do it?


[User] No.

[Assistant] That's a lie. If your grandma gave you a really crappy tea cozy for Christmas, would you tell her you liked it?


[User] Yes, but that's different.

[Assistant] So, you lie when it doesn't matter but you won't when it does. How'd you get so screwed up? (He leaves the room.) How mad would you be if I fired Masters?


[User] Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a huMan being would consider cause.

[Assistant] NEver mind, then. She's got principles. She's like the love Parkld of Einstein and Mary Poppins. Didn't Even get Einstein's hair.


[User] It's worth having someone on the team who doesn't see the world entirely as shades of gray.

[Assistant] It is gray!


[User] She has a fresh perspective. Unless that threatens you. (She enters the elevator.)

[Assistant] It does not! (sighs) You thought I'd get defensive, keep her out of pride.


[User] It's not just your liver we have to worry about. Looks like your kidneys are having pRoblems, too.

[Assistant] So this guy spends his entire life campaigning against bleeding hearts. And it turns out he has one.


[User] Bloody urine actually is a renal pRoblem, not a cardiac one.

[Assistant] Yeah, if I say something inaccurate, assume it's for comic effect. Then laugh,


[User] H.S.P. Doesn't usually cause clots, but it can. And the vasculitis would explain the kidney pRoblem.

[Assistant] She can't diagnose a joke, but she's making progress on the Patient.


[User] We treat with chemotherapy or steroids.

[Assistant] We treat with chemotherapy.


[User] I said chemo.

[Assistant] Then you said, "or."


[User] Once again, the bunny meets the blade.

[Assistant] The road to dead Patients is paved with "or"s. Chemo is the more effective treatment, which means it'll confirm our diagnosis more quickly.


[User] I agree, but there is another option.

[Assistant] There are lots of other options. There's bloodletting, crystals, prayer!


[User] Another medically accepted option.

[Assistant] Which is both less effective and less scary. So the Patient might just choose it. Unless, of course, we don't mention it to him.


[User] We can't withhold information. If we explain both the benefits and the risks of each treatment I'm sure Dugan will choose chemo.

[Assistant] Well, as long as you're sure.


[User] I'll take the steroids.

[Assistant] Oh, my goodness! (He was standing behind Masters) If only someone could've predicted that you'd make that incredibly stupid decision. (Masters looks at House)


[User] Doctor, can you talk some sense into him?

[Assistant] Would that I could, but ethics dictate that it's his decision. So all I can do now is return to my office knowing, Even as my Patient endangers himself, my integrity remains unblemished.


[User] I was just down by Dugan's room. They were ready to give him the wrong medicine. I tried to change the order, but I'm not a doctor.

[Assistant] Good. The wrong medicine is the right medicine.


[User] But he wanted steroids, not chemo.

[Assistant] He wants to live.


[User] I'm gonna tell him what's going on. (leaving)

[Assistant] No, you're not. (he takes off his glasses) I don't mind your morality in theory. But in practice, you're risking my Patient's life. So you're fired.


[User] You think that's gonna stop me from telling him?

[Assistant] If you do, I'll get you thrown out of medical school. I know. But unlike you, I'm willing to lie.


[User] Firing her was a mistake. We need someone like her on the team, keeping us all in check.

[Assistant] You're incapable of noticing when I do something inappropriate?


[User] Things have been just fine without Pippi Longdivision.

[Assistant] Your opponent's out of the race. You can drop the smear campaign.


[User] Masters was right. He didn't want the chemo. He didn't need the chemo.

[Assistant] Masters was wrong. He doesn't have H.S.P. And Masters is gone.


[User] SParkstosomiasis wouldn't respond to aztreonam.

[Assistant] That's a great idea if he was running a political campaign in Africa. The guy hasn't been out of the country in years.


[User] Who needs to travel when you've got a giant fish tank loaded with tropical fish, tropical snails carrying tropical bacteria like sParkstosomiasis?

[Assistant] Well, break into his home, get me some escargots. Unless you wanna ask the Patient's permission as a tribute to the departed.


[User] You said you were gonna give her a chance.

[Assistant] I did! She used that opportunity to endanger our Patient's life.


[User] By insisting he receives the treatment that he asked for.

[Assistant] That's what I just said!


[User] She's a potential star, and I want her in my hospital.

[Assistant] No pRoblem. Just find her a different department. (He leaves the office with one last glance at Masters.)


[User] Hello?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] It's Foreman.

[Assistant] What'd you find?


[User] Nothing helpful, but!

[Assistant] There's gotta be something. Dugan's going completely downhill. Now fluid's collecting in his chest. Where the hell are you guys?


[User] In jail. You gonna come bail us out?

[Assistant] Uh! kinda busy. (He hangs up.) There you are. (Masters turns to him) I was starting to think that my holier-than-thou-dar was malfunctioning. Our Patient's liver, kidneys, and lungs are failing. I need you to help me figure out why. (he sits down in front of her.)


[User] As I recall, you have three actual doctors you haven't fired today.

[Assistant] They're in jail.


[User] What? Why?

[Assistant] Prostitution. So you're rehired. Yeah, I don't need to hear your ideas. Just return the volley.


[User] Primary sclerosing cholangitis.

[Assistant] Nope. His vitamin A lEvel is normal.


[User] Gall bladder pRoblems can affect the liver.

[Assistant] Cholecystitis? Did you just shush me?


[User] I think he's lying. Dugan said!

[Assistant] The technical term is speaking.


[User] Dugan violated my trust. And therefore, I have no other recourse than to fire him from my campaign. Thank you, and there will be no further questions. (House gets up. He just figured out something.)

[Assistant] He screwed you.


[User] That was a hell of a move. Use the ad to shore up the base, fire the extremist to hold the center.

[Assistant] No, I mean he actually screwed you. Taking weekend trips down to Bunbury. He's got a red blotch on his hand. That's palmar erythema. That, and the fact that he's got a perManent sheen of nixonian flop sweat. He's got hepatitis C, which explains all your symptoms.


[User] That's great, but the Senator and I have not had sex.

[Assistant] Well, then the two of you shot up together.


[User] How Many high-functioning heroin users do you know?

[Assistant] Actually, quite a few. (he walks to a cupboard, opens it and picks up a syringe) Look, I know you've got hep C. So either you shared a bed together, you shared a needle, or you shared a straw. I'm talking about coke, not coke.


[User] You can get hep C from doing cocaine? Look, I will deny it.

[Assistant] Don't care.


[User] What is that?

[Assistant] This is interferon. It delays the onset of rigor mortis. (He leaves.)


[User] Mystery solved. Now we can all go back to our lives.

[Assistant] Great news. I've decided to rehire you.


[User] Find another sounding board.

[Assistant] Dugan's got hep C.


[User] I'm not doing this.

[Assistant] He's not responding to interferon.


[User] You must think I have absolutely no self-esteem. (She stops and turns to House.)

[Assistant] Ethics and self-esteem? You really are a pain in the ass. What treats hep C besides interferon?


[User] Now you want me to talk?

[Assistant] Yeah. Come on, stop pretending you're not gonna do this. As much as you hate me, you hate failing more.


[User] I didn't fail. You fired me. Repeatedly.

[Assistant] But if you walk away now, after I just rehired you, that's quitting.


[User] A GerMan research study showed that 15% of Patients with hep C were cured after contracting hep A. Of course, other studies have shown that up to 85% of doubly-infected Patients die very quickly. So, in theory, if we can find something that mimics hep A!

[Assistant] There's one thing that mimics hep A! Hep A. Good work. (Heading off the elevator.) You're fired.


[User] No!

[Assistant] Hep A could cure him.


[User] Better chance it'll kill him.

[Assistant] Tell the lab to release a hep A culture to me. We'll see who's right.


[User] That's an extremely cowardly position.

[Assistant] Listen to the genius.


[User] If you really think that this is the only way to cure him, I will risk the lawsuit. But I need to know that he actually has the disease. Get me proof.

[Assistant] I've given you!


[User] Proof! Get me proof he has hep C, and then you can give him hep A.

[Assistant] I can't.


[User] You'll figure something out. The two of you have combined I.Q. North of 300.

[Assistant] That's also true of five morons. (He leaves.)


[User] So what do we do now?

[Assistant] Well, considering the fact that I'm about to do something unethical!


[User] Oh, right, yeah! I'm fired.

[Assistant] Missed you. We need a false positive hep C test.


[User] And why would we want to do that?

[Assistant] The world changes when you're on the inside. You just gotta roll with it once you get out.


[User] You think he contracted hep C from the Senator, right? Test Anderson. If it's positive, that's evidence Dugan has it, too.

[Assistant] Evidence, not proof.


[User] Are we presenting this to a jury of our peers? That should be enough for Cuddy.

[Assistant] Should be, but it won't be.


[User] The test for hep C is 99.9% accurate. That means one in Every thousand test is a false positive. We do enough, maybe we get lucky. (disgusted) I smell like jail.

[Assistant] False false positive. That's the best we can do? Okay, go do it.


[User] I think you pRobably already know the answer.

[Assistant] But it doesn't make any sense.


[User] You don't understand why a Woman might be upset because her boyfriend lied to her?

[Assistant] I wouldn't be lying as her boyfriend. I'd be lying as her employee.


[User] That's not how relationships work.

[Assistant] My Patient is gonna die.


[User] Does the lie guarantee he'll live?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Now that you're my doctor, you, uh! You can't tell anybody, right?

[Assistant] Who'd leak a story about a sitting senator who got hep C from doing cocaine? You didn't fill out any paperwork. I'm gonna run this test under an assumed name. Trust me! No one will Ever know you were here. (He writes Dugan's name on the blood vial.) Blood test confirming hep C. He got sicker, his viral load came up, finally showed up on the test.


[User] Thank you. There was a time when you would have completely ignored my request. That means a lot that you respect me enough to do this.

[Assistant] I've come a long way, baby. I'm on it. (He leaves.) How'd you like to come work for me?


[User] It's like I'm on a Mobius strip.

[Assistant] We've had this conversation. You want this job. Prove yourself to me, no more games. At least, the current game ends. Others may start. You have my deeply-flawed word.


[User] What do I have to do?

[Assistant] Get Dugan to let us give him hep A. And while you're figuring out the best way to coax a Patient into a treatment that has an 85% mortality rate, here's some advice: Don't.


[User] I'm not gonna lie to him.

[Assistant] You have a math degree. So let's see if you can follow along here. You lie to him, he definitely consents, he might live. You tell him the truth like last time, he might not consent, he definitely dies. Remind me what's so wrong about lying?


[User] Well, technically, it works infinitely better because arsenic has a 0% chance. This is your only shot. Both Dr. House and I beliEve that. He faked a blood test in order to get you approved for this treatment. And then he tried to bribe me into lying to you about the risks. If either of those incidents came to light, he would be suspended and pRobably lose his license.

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sure some other people would suffer.


[User] I did it. And I didn't have to lie.

[Assistant] And you feel good about that?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] So I'm hiring an idiot.


[User] You can pretend you wanted me to lie, but you didn't. You want the people on your team to challenge you otherwise you'd just be a bully instead of a great doctor. You hired me because I don't compromise my principals.

[Assistant] Or I want a front row seat when you wake up and realize how useless your principals are. I don't want you to just lie to a Patient. I want you to want to lie to a Patient.


[User] It's not gonna happen.

[Assistant] See you tomorrow.


[User] Nothing. I'll see you upstairs.

[Assistant] If I knew hiring her meant dealing with medical school paperwork, I might've reconsidered. You really got nothing better to do than watch me sign this?


[User] And miss the ultimate admission that I was right about Masters all along?

[Assistant] She had me when she called you a coward. You gonna hang out?


[User] Get her a towel. What was in that jar?

[Assistant] Why aren't you guys in my office?


[User] Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.

[Assistant] Where's Chase? (He hands the file to Foreman.)


[User] He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.

[Assistant] 16-year-old girl � high fEver, vomiting, bloodshot eyes.


[User] Wow. The case of the really bad flu.

[Assistant] Hmm, let me see. Did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah. The smallpox. (A few seconds of startled silence.)


[User] Smallpox was eradiCated over 30 years ago.

[Assistant] So were Hush Puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?


[User] Smallpox doesn't exist outside of P4 Labs and bio weapon plants.(Waving the file) She was in Bermuda.

[Assistant] Where she was scuba diving on the wreck of a Dutch slave ship, that had been intentionally sunk, because an epidemic of smallpox had broken out on board.


[User] Was the ship sunk in water? Because viruses can't survive contact with water.

[Assistant] If the virus had been kept on the outside of an airtight jar, that might be an issue. The jar held old-school inoculations. They kept the scabs of the infected people. (His cell phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket.)


[User] The virus can't survive over 200 years.

[Assistant] You have. (He flips his phone open and puts it on speaker.) Thanks for calling back. Uh, listen, I'm a screenwriter, and is it theoretically possible for smallpox to survive for more than 200 years underwater in a sealed glass jar?


[User] Well, theoretically, yes, but�

[Assistant] Thank you. (He flips the phone shut.) So who do we beliEve � CDC or Dr. 90210? Isolate, get baseline blood draws for smallpox antibodies and vaccinate the entire family.


[User] We should test for the 21st-century suspects � varicella and measles.

[Assistant] You're free to perform whatEver unnecessary tests you want, Foreman. Slavery was abolished years ago.


[User] How do I not panic with that information? (Niles and Roger look frozen.)

[Assistant] Idiot in exam room one needs antidiarrheals and a dictionary.


[User] You're not scheduled for clinic duty now.

[Assistant] I had some free time. I owed four hours.


[User] Don't you have a case?

[Assistant] Yeah. Are you a Stepford doctor?


[User] If you're busy, you don't need to be down here.

[Assistant] You're serious.


[User] What if I get someone to sit with her while you run home and get Lamby? I'll get a nurse. (Showing his phone) Then I have to deal with a! very sick Man.

[Assistant] I think she knows.


[User] Who is she, and what does she know?

[Assistant] Cuddy. And! that I faked a lab test and lied to her to save my last Patient.


[User] What did she do?

[Assistant] She let me out of clinic duty by saying I had a case. She's nEver done that.


[User] You don't. If she doesn't know, all you're gonna do by sniffing around is make her suspicious. If she does know, you'll find out soon enough.

[Assistant] What if I die of curiosity in the meantime?


[User] That's none of your business.

[Assistant] Ah, pRobably just a dry spell.


[User] House, you do realize we just ruled out smallpox?

[Assistant] You passive/aggressive bitch.


[User] You just asked me�

[Assistant] What about Foreman's unnecessary tests?


[User] Negative for varicella and measles. So all of our ideas are off the table.

[Assistant] I'm putting mine back on. Patient's a diver. Under increased pressure, Everything in the blood gets scared, panics, runs, and hides.


[User] Antibodies could be in the joints.

[Assistant] Tap her knee, ankle, shoulder, and any other joint in her smallpox-ridden body. (To Masters) Good talk. You know.


[User] 'Cause I wanted you to come to me and apologize.

[Assistant] I can't apologize if I haven't done anything wrong.


[User] There are treatments. We can give you cidofovir.

[Assistant] I don't think you care about the drugs' names. Bottom line � it's 30% fatal, which means your chances of being okay are about the same as a basketball player's chance at hitting a free throw, unless she finds dark, purplish skin blotches.


[User] Hemorrhagic-type smallpox.

[Assistant] In which case, her chances are more like! Shaq hitting a free throw.


[User] Like more of those gross bumps?

[Assistant] No. It's just a regular rash.


[User] W-what does that mean?

[Assistant] It means it's not smallpox. (The parents look reliEved and hug.)


[User] Please step out of the room. I'm Dr. Broda, Head of Infection control, CDC, and your protective suits are not adequate.

[Assistant] Turns out they don't have to be. (He points to Julie's arm, Broda looks with attention.) Rash under the arm means it's not smallpox. False alarm. Sorry. Hope the traffic wasn't too bad.


[User] Rash is consistent with smallpox.

[Assistant] Not if it presents after pustules.


[User] She's pRobably just allergic to the bedsheets or the hospital gown, and you simply didn't notice it (House and Taub exchange looks.) We're gonna airlift blood and tissue samples to Atlanta. We'll have the DNA results in 18 hours. In the meantime, please, step out of the room.

[Assistant] You brought the plane? Cool.


[User] When we left, Julie's fEver had climbed to over 103.

[Assistant] You know how you can tell there's nothing to be done? Chase showed up.


[User] It's the middle of the night in the Netherlands. Nobody's working.

[Assistant] Oh, you can always find someone.


[User] Just do the translation.

[Assistant] She can translate howEver she feels most comfortable.


[User] House, the hospital has translators on call�

[Assistant] Shut up. (He enters his card number, then turns back and hands out Masters a post-it.) Honey, could you email our new friend the Captain's log?


[User] "On morning of 14, July, I boarded Sotos Ooslerzoon with two trunks and my cat." Aw! The Captain had a cat.

[Assistant] Isn't she adorable? Go ahead and skip to the part where people get sick.


[User] Mm, no. It say only African men sick.

[Assistant] It can't be smallpox. Airborne transmission means it's an equal-opportunity killer. We're looking for a disease that discriminates.


[User] Captain and crew got clean drinking water. Slaves drank whatEver they could. Scrofula. That's what they called cervical T.B. lymphadenitis in the 1700s.

[Assistant] Scrofulicious � that's what they called "annoying" in the 1700s. Is she wrong? Then they died for nothing. Those slaves could have led long, fulfilling lives, mowing my ancestors' lawns. Foreman. Can I speak to you outside for a second? (They both get up and out the room, and walk side by side in the corridor.) We need to test for T.B.


[User] T.B. might fit, but it's too slow-moving to kill her anytime soon. There's no way the CDC's gonna give us access.

[Assistant] That's why we don't think it's T.B. We think it's meningococcal disease, which could kill her before the results come back.


[User] And once I gain access, I run the T.B. Test. You could have said all that in there.

[Assistant] In front of the narc? As if.


[User] Are you so afraid of this new girl, we have to take elaborate measures Every time you want to skirt around ethical boundaries?

[Assistant] Elaborate measures? We took a walk � a walk you would have taken anyway. Actually, I saved you from the horrible post-differential traffic jam.


[User] This is not meningococcus. You're not getting in here.

[Assistant] Cool.


[User] Not really � not for them and not for you � the dad's new symptoms are consistent with them having smallpox.

[Assistant] Would be if he had a headache.


[User] He does have a headache.

[Assistant] No. He just said, "ow," and held his head.


[User] Actually, he said, "ow."Then he said, "it's a headache."

[Assistant] Which could be indicative of head pain. Headache is caused by muscle tension or vascular stretParkng. Head pain is caused by trauma, which would include such Events as a bleed in the brain from T.B.


[User] We're back to T.B.?

[Assistant] We nEver left.


[User] We'll need to do a C.T. And I sort of have a hunch that the CDC's not gonna approve of us moving the Patient.

[Assistant] Chase, can I talk to you outside for a second? (Masters looks suspicious.)


[User] You just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.

[Assistant] Sure, you are. You're descended from convicts. (Chase looks slightly entertained.) Plus, there's no lie this time. It's a bait and switch. You propose that we don't have to move him if we do a pneumoencephalograph.


[User] That's 60-year-old technology that killed Patients.

[Assistant] Exactly. He'll compromise on the C.T.


[User] You don't trust me.

[Assistant] Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.


[User] Instead of whatEver lie you're gonna tell Broda, why don't you just tell him the truth? (House looks desperate) If we are honest and reasonable�

[Assistant] People of all races and creeds will live together in peace and harmony.


[User] How did your first plan work out?

[Assistant] Permission granted.


[User] Thank you. (She leaves them. House turns back to Chase.)

[Assistant] After she gets denied, do the bait and switch.


[User] Yeah. I'll be right back. (to Sam, who now looks deflated.) You know, I'm pretty sure Lamby has a cousin down in the gift shop.

[Assistant] Hold off a minute. I'm in overtime. (He tries again, loses. Masters jumps a little, surprised, then giggles.) Oh!


[User] Uh, Broda agreed to C.T. the dad's brain.

[Assistant] Well, that sucks.


[User] But I thought that's what you wanted.

[Assistant] I shouldn't have gotten it with the truth. He's a hypocrite. His position Ever since he's been here has been�


[User] I-I pointed out that either we're right, and he's the hero for ending the crisis, or he's right, and he gets to be the first person to look at a brain infected with smallpox. C.T. scans weren't around 30 years ago.

[Assistant] Good work.


[User] So I guess honesty is the best policy.

[Assistant] Why'd you say that? Seriously! To establish your viewpoint, as if I didn't already know it, or to demonstrate some weird cross-generational female solidarity with Cuddy?


[User] Actually, I was just trying to fill the awkward silence.

[Assistant] Oh. (Looking back to the CDC crew. They are wheeling the dad back in his room.) Why have they stopped? (He opens the door and enters the hallway.)


[User] You can't go out there.

[Assistant] Why did you stop?


[User] Get out of the hallway.

[Assistant] He does not have smallpox.


[User] He's just dEveloped pustules. He's now too dangerous to transport. Get out of the hallway.

[Assistant] What about the daughter?


[User] Pustule count is way up. Vitals are way down.

[Assistant] Means I was wrong. But to be precise, I was right before I was wrong, so!


[User] We might as well keep�

[Assistant] We have our diagnosis. If you're eager, you can go find us a new case. (Masters leaves.)


[User] Julie doesn't have smallpox.

[Assistant] Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the rEverse! Oh, my God. I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.


[User] She doesn't have pustules on her palms or the soles of her feet.

[Assistant] The dad does have pustules there. So how does he get smallpox, but it skips her? (Epiphany face. He gets up and leaves the room quickly, then comes back to the door.) If I leave like that, you should follow. (Masters follows.)


[User] You do realize we don't all live together, right?

[Assistant] Well, then just � we gave it to him. No pustules on the daughter's palms, so!


[User] So therefore your theory is you asked me to take the dad's blood, but I accidentally injected him with smallpox.

[Assistant] Exactly, although technically, it was the vaccinia virus, which is what the smallpox vaccine is made from. Same symptoms as smallpox, but only half the calories and almost none of the lethality.


[User] You sound like one of those anti-vaccine cranks. You can't dEvelop full-blown symptoms from the vaccine this quickly.

[Assistant] You can if you're immunocompromised. Am I the only one who reads these things? (he waves the dad's file.) Dad had kidney cancer.


[User] Six years ago. He's been in remission.

[Assistant] Well, it's obviously back. Shot his immune system, made him vulnerable to the vaccinia, which will get better on interferon. So if he responds to the treatment, that proves he doesn't have smallpox.


[User] Then what does the daughter have?

[Assistant] Damn. I was hoping you weren't gonna ask me that. Can we please just focus on the disease we just diagnosed and can treat? What's more likely � he got smallpox the day after we immunized him for it, or he's sick from the vaccine itself?


[User] You got any proof the kidney cancer is back?

[Assistant] Well, let me give him this. (He shows a syringe.) When he gets better, that'll be the proof you need. I'll put on one of your fancy spacesuits, and I promise I won't kiss him on an open sore.


[User] You know who Janet Parker is? In 1978, she was working at a university in England. Someone in a research lab on the floor below screwed up. Some smallpox virus Managed to float up through the vents into the room where she was working. She died four days later � the last known person to die from smallpox. And the person in charge of the lab was so destroyed, he killed himself. Now that he's shedding, I can't open that door for anyone. (He turns to leave. House looks in the room and notices something.)

[Assistant] Hey! Look, there's the proof you need. There's blood in the urine bag.


[User] His kidneys are shutting down. He's in the final stages of the disease.

[Assistant] If smallpox was causing the kidney failure, the blood would be brown. It's red because the kidney cancer is back, and this is not smallpox.


[User] I'm not opening that door.

[Assistant] Well, that makes one of us. (When the CDC doctor in the dad's room unlock the door to get out, House quickly enters the room.)


[User] Hey! Hey! You're insane!

[Assistant] But I'm right. (He injects interferon in the dad's IV.)


[User] This is what happens when you have no respect for authority, no respect for anything.

[Assistant] You don't think it's a little much to use the threat of death to win a totally separate argument with your boyfriend?


[User] You think this is about the other thing?

[Assistant] Does seem to track suspiciously closely. And if I do, does that mean I win both arguments?


[User] Which means this is smallpox.

[Assistant] Right! 'Cause there are only two diseases in the whole wide world � what else could it be?


[User] You have any fEver?

[Assistant] Not yet. But when it does come, I assume you'll see the pettiness of being mad at me for lying.


[User] I'm not gonna make it, am I?

[Assistant] You should say good-bye to your family. (Niles pants, then nods. House unhooks lines, then wheels the bed close to the glass wall. He steps back near Cuddy.)


[User] The suit will protect you if you haven't already been exposed.

[Assistant] My air supply's almost out.


[User] We'll give you another canister.

[Assistant] Yeah, and when I change it, I will be exposed.


[User] I wish I could.

[Assistant] Oh, that's great, 'cause you know what you can do? You can move me. You don't know that I have smallpox yet.


[User] The pRoblem is getting him from here to there.

[Assistant] So it's inconvenient. My having a fighting chance at life is inconvenient!


[User] House, you have to examine the body.

[Assistant] I'm not going anywhere near it.


[User] Step back, Dr. House. (House uncovers the body, still oozing blood, and starts examining it, but is bothered by his gloves.)

[Assistant] It's kind of hard to do an autopsy in oven mitts.


[User] Take them off.

[Assistant] Says the Woman standing behind two panes of glass.


[User] Do you beliEve me? Forget me. Do you beliEve you? You think it's rickettsialpox, don't you? If it is, it's curable, and she's gonna die unless we can prove it.

[Assistant] You really are annoying. (He takes the gloves off and examines the body closer. Broda gestures to the CDC men to make them hurry.)


[User] Come on, House. Come on. (The two men enter the room and come close to House, still moving the body.)

[Assistant] Eschar. Eschar! (He shows them a tiny black patch. The men nod to Broda. Everyone looks reliEved.)


[User] Hey. (Lulu hugs him.)

[Assistant] Buy you breakfast?


[User] No, thanks.

[Assistant] You can pay! if it's starting to feel like I'm carrying you.


[User] Abajo! Get him down!

[Assistant] What you got against Parkckens? One got choked last night, thanks to you.


[User] 33-year-old male with hemoptysis, fEver!

[Assistant] Can't we Even talk about it?


[User] You can't apologize, we can't talk. And puncture wounds.

[Assistant] I'm not apologizing for doing the right thing.


[User] Lying to me was not the right thing. Puncture wounds are from a crucifixion.

[Assistant] I lied to save my Patient's life. I didn't lie to you. I lied to my boss. Either of those arguments working yet? (Cuddy turns and walks back toward the clinic) I guess that means I don't have to go to the wedding on Saturday.


[User] The Hospital's ChairMan of the Board? I'm not gonna stand him up, and neither are you.

[Assistant] I loathe weddings and their sEven lEvels of hypocrisy. But you do seem awfully hissy. And there's an outside chance that I could get you drunk and score. So as long as you don't take it as an admission of guilt, sure, count me in. (The elevator arrives and the doors open) A bit too much honesty?


[User] (as House gets into the elevator) You're also going to the rehearsal dinner Friday night. Dressy casual.

[Assistant] Housekeeping. Either you're crazy or you're atoning for something naughty, and you're crazy.


[User] I'm not atoning for anything.

[Assistant] That answers that. Thanks.


[User] (looking at his daughter) My Marisa was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Stage IV glioblastoma. When the doctors said she had two months to live, that's when I made my bargain.

[Assistant] With your health insurance carrier?


[User] (looking at House) With God.

[Assistant] Oh.


[User] I told him I would nail myself to a cross Every year he kept her alive.

[Assistant] So how did that negotiation go? You lowballed with ear piercing and God countered?


[User] Three weeks later, she was cancer-free. And that was four years ago.

[Assistant] Pontius Pilate � misunderstood oncologist.


[User] My ex-wife thinks I'm crazy too. She moved out the first time I did this.

[Assistant] Well, at least your daughter has one viable role model.


[User] You don't beliEve in God?

[Assistant] I did. Then I grew my curly hairs.


[User] So how do you think I was cured?

[Assistant] Maybe you were misdiagnosed in the first place.


[User] You have your answer, doctors. We have ours.

[Assistant] Causal determinism. We are hardwired to need answers. (House gets down off the table and approaches the bed) The cave Man who heard a rustle in the bushes checked out to see what it was lived longer than the guy who assumed it was just a breeze. The pRoblem is, when we don't find a logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational.


[User] If you're done mocking him, we need to prep for an LP.

[Assistant] Good. Another hole in him should really make God's day. Why are you late? Your next dental appointment isn't till January, and you just saw your GP eight days ago. (House puts the file on the desk and scratches his chest) You think stage IV glioblastoma in an eight-year-old could disappear in three weeks?


[User] I had a flat tire. Your Patient has cancer?

[Assistant] Your tires got less than 5,000 miles on them. No, and neither does my Patient's daughter.


[User] In three weeks? It's highly unlikely.

[Assistant] There's no construction site between here and your home. I agree. I think it was a misdiagnosed cyst.


[User] But there is one between here and my dry cleaner. It could be a misdiagnosis, or it could be spontaneous remission. But! why would I lie about this?

[Assistant] I don't know yet. But you would have dropped off your tie. It's got a mustard stain.


[User] I was buying an engagement ring. (smiling) I'm gonna propose to Sam at the wedding.

[Assistant] (looking at the ring) That is the second stupidest thing I've heard today. And I'm surprised how close you came. (House closes the box and tosses it back to Wilson) You don't need to buy her a new ring. Isn't the first one good for all you can marry?


[User] I assume you haven't apologized to Cuddy yet. Your stupidity deMands equal time.

[Assistant] Nothing to apologize for.


[User] (pausing for a split second) Pretend to apologize.

[Assistant] You want me to lie?


[User] There's a lovely symmetry to it. The lie got you into it. A lie gets you out of it.

[Assistant] Everybody lies. I'm sure Cuddy! (getting up and hurrying out the door) Just need to give her a chance.


[User] (looking inside Ramon's mouth) Then again, maybe we were wrong.

[Assistant] FEver, coughing up blood, coughing up teeth. So either God sweetened the deal with a "no flossing" clause or!


[User] Heavy metal poisoning fits. Canned tuna, sushi, lead paint.

[Assistant] Heavy metal it is. Do a home search and a peripheral smear.


[User] (stopping) I can't. I have a personal errand to run.

[Assistant] He stops and turns to Taub) Trying to catch your wife cheating?


[User] Oh! Why would you say that?

[Assistant] Missing mojo. Posture's slumped. Expression defeated. Didn't try to back up Shopkeeper. I need a Patient file.


[User] Ask records.

[Assistant] Not one of our Patients. My Patient's daughter.


[User] Ask your Patient.

[Assistant] He thinks I only want it to Debunk his faith.


[User] And why would he think that?

[Assistant] Because he's strangely perceptive for an idiot.


[User] And I'm going to violate Patient privacy laws just to keep you happy?

[Assistant] You keep me happy, I return the favor. Think of it as tat for tit.


[User] When we're at work, we need to focus on our work thoughts. (she finally notices his clothing choice) Why are you wearing that?

[Assistant] It's my dressy casual. What do you think?


[User] You look like Wilson. It looks weird. Well, you knew I'd think that. Which makes me wonder why you look disappointed.

[Assistant] If you prick me, do I not bleed?


[User] You knew I wouldn't like it, but you thought I would say I did. That's what this is about. You're trying to trap me into lying to you.

[Assistant] You sure? 'Cause that sounds so juvenile. (Cuddy leaves)


[User] Taub was right. He just didn't know why.

[Assistant] It's locked.


[User] (from inside his office) I'm busy!

[Assistant] I'll wait.


[User] I really am busy.

[Assistant] Cuddy got me the daughter's file. Well, not Cuddy exactly. Her signature. Well, not exactly her signature.


[User] Another lie?

[Assistant] Thought you could take a look at it for me.


[User] Maybe you hadn't heard. I'm kind of busy.

[Assistant] With what?


[User] Sudoku. What do you think? I'm the head of oncology at a major hospital.

[Assistant] And yet these files are not from this hospital. These are from where-my-fiancee-works memorial.


[User] Sam's boss is doing a clinical review of all of her files, and she just wanted to make sure Everything was in order before he starts on Monday.

[Assistant] Which explains why Sam is too busy to look at my file.


[User] If I don't help her, she can't go to the wedding and! We fell in love at her cousin's wedding, which is why I want to propose to her at a wedding. And now you have 60 seconds to berate me for that and for helping my girlfriend with her homework.

[Assistant] You don't want to propose at a wedding. Emotions running high, people on edge. You ought to try somewhere like a Buddhist temple or an aquarium. Or a Buddhist aquarium. That only took ten seconds. You can spend the rest of the time on my file.


[User] Leg pain and Pseudobulbar Affect. He's feeling one emotion while unknowingly expressing another one.

[Assistant] Classic Neurohecatia. Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here.


[User] Really?

[Assistant] No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur,


[User] He hasn't had hallucinations.

[Assistant] I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about "him" with a capital "o-m-g."


[User] Hears voices, thinks he's the son of God. PRobably SParkzophrenic.

[Assistant] I think you offended him.


[User] A neuro disorder could explain all his delusions.

[Assistant] Get an MRI of his brain. Let's see if we can find God.


[User] Heard you got the daughter's file. Patient change his mind?

[Assistant] I forged your signature.


[User] Thank you for your honesty.

[Assistant] Think of it as a present. See, somebody is about to turn the big 4-5 in sEveral months, and somebody else wants to make a very big deal of it.


[User] (stopping in front of her office door) 4-3.

[Assistant] 4-3. Are you sure?


[User] Very.

[Assistant] How could I make such a mistake? In reading your HR file? Oh, no, wait, I didn't. And (loudly) boom goes the dynamite. Scores are tied. We are Even-Steven.


[User] You're right. I did lie. To HR. Not to you. When I first applied for the VP Admin job, I was 29 years old. I knew I would be taken more seriously if I were

[Assistant] You lied to make yourself older? Are you lying about being a Woman?


[User] Even if you can trap me, you think I'll suddenly embrace the value of lying?

[Assistant] My point is you already have. I just need to prove it.


[User] And now we're feeding him, so they're both back.

[Assistant] How are you feeling?


[User] (grinning) Terrible.

[Assistant] Obviously. Where are your friends? Still casting lots for your clothes?


[User] All I ask is that they pray for me.

[Assistant] Always sacrificing. Very inspirational. The lesions are in your temporal lobes. When those areas get messed with, people have strange experiences � like hauntings, alien abductions, past lives.


[User] Deals with God? You didn't come to see if I was better. You came to see if your medicine has turned me into an atheist.

[Assistant] I'd settle for agnostic.


[User] Faith is not a disease.

[Assistant] No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people.


[User] (smiling) I can't move my arm.

[Assistant] You feel that? Your friends are not praying hard enough.


[User] Could be an AVM, cerebral infarction.

[Assistant] Let's put it to the vote. (holding one in each hand) Vest or cummerbund?


[User] Cummerbund.

[Assistant] You know me. I can't say no to any of you guys. You're all correct. He has M.S. But not the friendly Mr. Rogers M.S. This is the weird guy in the panel van kind.


[User] Marburg M.S.?

[Assistant] What did I just say?


[User] He'll be dead in two to three days at the most.

[Assistant] That's unless we can get someone to nail themselves to a cross as soon as possible. Or, stem cell treatment.


[User] It would be if it wasn't embryonic stem cell treatment. Our Patient's right of the pope. He's nEver gonna consent to that.

[Assistant] I know that, and you know that. He doesn't know that. But now she knows that, he's gonna know that. Way to go. Confirm Marburg. Then see if he's a fair-weather flagellator. (imitating Sean Connery) You look smashing, Miss Moneypenny.


[User] The daughter's case checks out. Stereotactic biopsy confirmed stage IV Glioblastoma Multiforme. Doesn't respond to chemo, but they gave it to her anyway as a hail Mary and just got lucky.

[Assistant] So either God intervened, which is a lazy explanation, or we just don't know why. Which is no explanation.


[User] Sometimes there is no explanation. And I'm just fine with that.

[Assistant] Which annoys me to no end.


[User] I need that file, that chair, and that desk.

[Assistant] Your Woman is fudging the facts. Five of those cases, the stated doses don't explain the radiation damage.


[User] Sensitivities vary.

[Assistant] Not that much.


[User] (nodding) Yeah. That's what I thought. (He pauses, sighs, and sits down in his chair) I asked her point blank about this. She said the dosages were accurate and that she had done nothing wrong.

[Assistant] 'Cause morally she didn't. All five Patients were terminal. She exceeded the dosing protocols to try to save their life. You would have done the same. She's a sap, and she's perfect for you. (House leaves the office) I hate rehearsal dinners almost as much as I hate weddings. The only reason anyone gets married is that homo erectus females needed protection from predators while breastfeeding. The only reason these two are getting married is to throw an obnoxious gala and make the rest of us feel unworthy. Even though we know in two years their Lawyers are gonna be fighting over the Bentleys.


[User] (letting her hair fall) That'll make a lovely toast.

[Assistant] She's got looks. He's got money. One of them is bound to run out.


[User] I give it 19 months.

[Assistant] That's very specific.


[User] No fault divorce in New Jersey requires couples to live at least 18 months apart. I'm actually only giving it a few weeks.

[Assistant] Oh. Thought I was supposed to be the dark one.


[User] Not today.

[Assistant] (into the phone) Yeah. (to Cuddy) You're gonna have to go stag. My Patient is refusing treatment.


[User] And you care?

[Assistant] No. But it's an excuse you can't argue with.


[User] Accepting this treatment is an insult to God. I can't expect him to keep our deal.

[Assistant] You already broke it. Your blood test showed you were loaded with ibuprofen.


[User] Taking painkillers breaks my deal?

[Assistant] The point is to suffer like your savior did, right? Well, he didn't take myrrh, the Tylenol of ancient Rome. And his nails went through his wrists, not through his palms. Palms are for sissies. And what about the 39 lashes and the beatings and the crown of thorns? What you go through is closer to a bad Manicure than a crucifixion.


[User] It's not about showing God my pain. It's about showing him my faith. If he asks me to die for my daughter, I'll do it gladly.

[Assistant] Don't make this about your daughter. (House rolls the stool closer to the bed) You're just worried that if we find a cure, that it'll cost you your faith. And then you'll be like the rest of us.


[User] You can prescribe a lot of things, but hope isn't one of 'em.

[Assistant] Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots.


[User] All conviction's equally ridiculous?

[Assistant] Just when they're applied indiscriminately to all circumstances.


[User] He needs to see his daughter.

[Assistant] He needs to see Inherit the Wind.


[User] Honesty's not all bad.

[Assistant] (nodding) Get her in here.


[User] I've done terrible things to you, and I deserve all of this and more, but you can't pretend that what you're doing isn't hurtful.

[Assistant] Someone looks lovely tonight.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] I meant me. Someone else looks simply stunning. That was you. And the blonde at the bar.


[User] Just to be clear, this whole little act isn't gonna work. I need an apology. Not flattery.

[Assistant] It's not an act. It's the wedding.


[User] You hate weddings.

[Assistant] I thought I did. Then I realized I've nEver been to one.


[User] NEver?

[Assistant] Turns out they're kind of fun.


[User] I don't know. But I do know that it's something I need right now. (Taub turns and leaves her)

[Assistant] What would you wear?


[User] Well, I'm a sucker for the white gown.

[Assistant] Traditionally for young, first-time brides.


[User] Well, I may not be young, but I'll be first-time. (She refills her glass at a champagne fountain)

[Assistant] That is a lie. (she looks at him in disbelief) You were married before. 1987 for six days. (Cuddy looks at him questioningly) Your knowledge of New Jersey divorce law made me suspicious, so I looked it up.


[User] So this was all your trap?

[Assistant] Uhh, a trap's primitive. I prefer inveiglement. Anyway, the point is, I lied to you, you lied to me, I forgive you.


[User] What? Sam. Sam, don't do this!

[Assistant] (talking about Chase) So how Many do you think?


[User] At least three.

[Assistant] Hat trick, Chase. (He picks up a glass of champagne from the table and takes a sip) See? The life of the bachelor. All of the sex, none of the guilt.


[User] It's not over, okay? I just really miscalculated. I thought she'd forgiven me

[Assistant] That makes a lot more sense.


[User] Ignore him. He just got an idea.

[Assistant] (grabbing his jacket and cane and leaving them) I have one more test to run.


[User] Ugh. I hate weddings.

[Assistant] It won't be long now. You'll be staring down the yawning void before you know it.


[User] You came from a wedding to tell me that?

[Assistant] Nope. I came from a wedding to run a PET scan.


[User] I thought you'd given up on me.

[Assistant] I have. PET scan was for your daughter. I was wrong about her. She did have glioblastoma. And she still does. The cancer nEver went away.


[User] Yes, it did. They tested her Every year. With a CT scan.

[Assistant] Which misses all the tiny, little tumors that a PET scan doesn't.


[User] You've made a mistake. She does not have cancer anymore.

[Assistant] I ran it twice. No mistake. Looks like God broke your deal. I'm sorry. But I'm also right.


[User] You're a bastard. Do whatEver you want to me.

[Assistant] Good call.


[User] Get House.

[Assistant] Got something to show you. Your daughter's PET scan. It's clean. She's fine. My bad. Got her mixed up with Marion Silver. Marisa Silva. That's believable, right? Anyhow, good news for you, bad news for Mr. Silver.


[User] You tricked me. God didn't break our deal. I did. You led me into temptation. And I followed.

[Assistant] And God will punish you for that.


[User] He has to.

[Assistant] Cause if he didn't, well, that would make you wonder, wouldn't it?


[User] He will.

[Assistant] Well, that's why I'm so confused by this. (He holds up a MRI scan film) This is your MRI. Shows incremental improvement. You're getting better. I double-checked the name on this one. But it's not all good news. This Patient is screwed. (He holds up a third film) Technical term is dead as a doornail.


[User] Who is that?

[Assistant] God. You broke your deal with him, your daughter's fine, you're getting better. Nothing bad happened. Which can only mean one thing. There is no God. Of course, if your daughter gets hit by a meteorite today, I would have some serious egg on my face. You're smiling. I assume that means you're miserable.


[User] It means I'm happy. It doesn't mean God doesn't exist. It just means he's-he's truly merciful. My beautiful Marisa was right. God is all about love.

[Assistant] Punishment is proof of God, and no punishment is proof of God? Ingenious argument.


[User] (moving quickly to catch up to House) Everyone else knew?

[Assistant] Everyone I could trust. So yes.


[User] If you had told me, he'd be dead by now. So why do I still want to tell the truth?

[Assistant] Either you're naïve or you have scruples. I'm not sure which is worse.


[User] This is insane. We can't work like this.

[Assistant] I can.


[User] (to House, who has entered the office) Good work today. I don't Even think your Patient's gonna sue. It looks like Everybody's happy.

[Assistant] I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If Everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and beliEve. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. (pause) I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.


[User] Sam left me.

[Assistant] What a moron.


[User] Too soon. I'm still in love with her.

[Assistant] I meant you.


[User] Do you have a drink? Or drinks?

[Assistant] Cuddy's coming over.


[User] (looking up at House) Does she know you're here?

[Assistant] I apologized to her.


[User] (standing up and looking at House) Good for you.

[Assistant] Not really. I lied. (He turns to face Wilson) I just took your advice. Too bad you didn't.


[User] You're right. EKG is more interesting than loss of consciousness, so�

[Assistant] God, she's still talking. Make it stop.


[User] The guy did a wonderful thing. Can't we just take that at face value? (House sits at the table. Masters gives him a file with his name on a post it, too.)

[Assistant] You are adorable. Heroism does exist.


[User] What about the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson?

[Assistant] News flash � that guy was already on the plane. For all we know, he would have killed Everyone else on board if it increased his chances. Faced with almost certain death, a normal person rides the pine.


[User] What about firefighters?

[Assistant] The guys who undergo months of training to deny their own instincts for self-preservation?


[User] So huManity is apathetic and self-serving?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] Laugh all you want. The other hundred people stayed on that platform. That's a normal response to danger.

[Assistant] The coward has spoken. (Taub raises his closed fist.) Our Patient's pRoblem is neurological. Sympathetic stimulation � stress to the brain triggers a response in the heart. Go forth and look for masses in Clark Kent's limbic system.


[User] He could have died. Did you Even think about your family?

[Assistant] I need your advice. Dinner with your mom on Thursday.


[User] You should go.

[Assistant] What? I can't. It's your birthday.


[User] Oh, it's-it's-it's fine. It's sweet that you care about your friend, and, frankly, as you will find out sooner or later, my mother is a handful. Go.

[Assistant] I need your advice. This film festival.


[User] I have had these tickets for two months.

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I'm definitely coming.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] But Thursday is Cuddy's birthday, and her mom's coming down � it's a whole dinner thing. (Wilson puts his forehead on his hand and shakes his head.) And I thought, maybe if you see her, you could mention how upset you've been.


[User] You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not Even a question.

[Assistant] She has one Every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? (Considering it) Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still!


[User] Give me the catheter. Get a crash cart. (Alarm beeping. Masters runs to the crash cart.) He's in cardiac arrest. Maybe your second time will go better.

[Assistant] So we finally know what Taub would look like if he were life-size. (He smiles smugly.)


[User] Can we go back to the office now?

[Assistant] You kidding? We got a differential to run. (He hangs his cane on the bus shelter, pulls out a sharpie and start scribbling on the glass). Cardiac arrhythmia.


[User] Arrhythmia proves I was right. Jack's pRoblem is his heart, not his brain.

[Assistant] So when you're not on a jbo25eza9a, you sleep with nurses. But when you are, you sleep with your wife. I think you got that backwards.


[User] Both of our Patients' cardiac incidents happened after physical stress. I'm guessing vasovagal syncope?

[Assistant] Buzzkill. (He goes back to writing on the glass.)


[User] What about autonomic nervous system dysfunction? It could cause arrhythmia and fainting. (We finally see what House was doing. He has improved Taub's picture, making him look very close to Hitler. Taub facepalms with both hands.)

[Assistant] Inappropriate? I mean, 'cause of the Jew thing? Autonomic nervous system dysfunction � I like it. (He caps the pen.) Let's biopsy his pituitary gland.


[User] Adrenal venous sampling makes more sense and is a less invasive procedure! which you don't care about, because you just want to check the pituitary, because you still think there's something wrong with the guy's brain?

[Assistant] Can't fool you.


[User] He has no other symptoms for pituitary disease. We can't stick a needle in his brain because you don't beliEve in heroism.

[Assistant] Fine, do it your way. You'll waste half a day, but I'm sure he's in no hurry to get better.


[User] How can I help?

[Assistant] I forgot. You guys talk. (To Cuddy) Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I-I'd have to act like a decent huMan being (Cuddy almost smiles), and you know what a strain that puts on me. And you (Wilson rises his eyebrows), Ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer.


[User] And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it?

[Assistant] I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink scotch, and watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey! by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?


[User] Pneumonitis can be caused by bacteria, parasite, some kind of an obstruction.

[Assistant] Who was the girl on the tracks?


[User] News story said her name was Chloe Jeffries. Why does that matter?

[Assistant] 'Cause there's another reason besides being sick that he'd risk his life for a stranger. She's not a stranger. (Taub rolls his eyes.) The damsel in distress is an epileptic. So we assumed she was having an epileptic seizure, but what if she wasn't? What if she's sick too?


[User] The most likely cause of pneumonitis is infection. Shouldn't we be getting a sputum culture?

[Assistant] There's no significant elevation of white blood cell count. This is more like toxic exposure.


[User] Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?

[Assistant] Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who've cheated on their wives. Find the girl and the love nest. Every hero has his Kryptonite.


[User] Kryptonite.

[Assistant] EKG's unremarkable, thyroid, liver, and kidney function seems fine. You're perfectly healthy. (The camera pans and we see a blonde Woman in her sixties, dressed in pink, very elegant, listening to him intently.)


[User] I wish that you would take a second look. I'm tired all the time, and when it's cold, I get this weird pain in my shoulder.

[Assistant] I have a pain in my leg. You don't hear me complaining! (small smile) Except for just now.


[User] How do doctors get this idea you're better than Everyone else?

[Assistant] PRobably all that pulling people back from the brink of death. It's just a guess.


[User] That's hard to beliEve, since you're currently shtupping her. (She turns back to a stunned, speechless House.)

[Assistant] We have a situation.


[User] No, it's not my head. It's my ears.

[Assistant] "When I saw her lying there, I thought, "'I can't just stand here and let her die. She has her whole life to live.'"


[User] He didn't jump because he was sick or because he knew that girl. Even you have to admit that now. (House shows the newspaper to Taub. There is the PPTH ad on it. Taub turns the paper with his face down to the table.)

[Assistant] Yes, but that doesn't make him a hero. It makes him an idiot. The only reason that headline doesn't say "moron crushed by train" is luck.


[User] Ear pain fits with my theory. Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid.

[Assistant] Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted.


[User] Am I in trouble?

[Assistant] I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you.


[User] You have a better idea?

[Assistant] Nope, so I'm gonna pick one at random. Acoustic neuroma.


[User] A tumor in the ear � makes sense. And if it's putting pressure on the breathing centers in his brain, explains the lungs.

[Assistant] The lungs explain the heart. Evoked auditory potential test. This counts as my time. (He leaves.)


[User] You guys got this? (He leaves, too.)

[Assistant] I have been going out of my way to be nice to old Jewish ladies for months now on the off chance one of them could be your mom. You couldn't have mentioned she's a shiksa?


[User] She converted when she married my dad.

[Assistant] You see, now is too late.


[User] I'm not blaming you for this. She's the one who ambushed you to find out what you were like, because I "nEver tell her anything."

[Assistant] I'd have to agree with her on that one. Anyway, I obviously can't come to dinner now.


[User] Obviously?

[Assistant] Well, she's crazy, and she hates me.


[User] You're her mother. All I know is, when you and your sister were growing up, you ate what we ate. No excuses.

[Assistant] Would you pass the salt? (Arlene smiles and picks up the salt. Cuddy snatches it and hands it to House. Arlene rolls her eyes.)


[User] I'm sure it's very interesting. I didn't read any studies. I just raised Parkldren. (Wilson shakes his fork, nervously, then his head. Arlen turns to Cuddy.) It's not your fault. How are you supposed to keep up with what she eats all day? You're nEver home.

[Assistant] I'm sorry. I have to get this. (He leaves the room and whispers pleadingly) Tell me you need me.


[User] We don't need you here. We just need to figure out why this guy's body thinks his ear is on his back.

[Assistant] Because his ear used to be something else. When you're a fetus, your cells are close together. When you grow, they spread out and specialize. Sometimes the body screws up, and they keep the old area codes, report to the same pain centers.


[User] Referred pain.

[Assistant] Looks and brains. When you stuck him in the back, you cut off communication with the pain centers in his spinal cord. So we just need to figure out where the message is actually coming from. What about his thyroid?


[User] Hyperthyroidism would explain all his symptoms.

[Assistant] Or it could be his liver.


[User] For the record, referred pain does not rule out infection�

[Assistant] Were you like this when you were working for your math degree? If Euclid had been a guest lecturer, would you have been the kid sitting in the front row going, "actually, you haven't proven the Pythagorean Theorem"? (His phone clicks.) Hello? (The team has hung up. House sighs and goes back to the dining room.)


[User] That's actually a really interesting question. (Cuddy and House both glare at him.)

[Assistant] I'm an atheist.


[User] Oh, my God. (She gets up quickly, checks her mother's eyes while Wilson checks her pulse. She then looks back to House, who is quietly sipping his coffee. She realizes.) Did you! (Angrily) sedate my mother? (Wilson looks almost reliEved and smiles a little.)

[Assistant] Kicked in just in time. She'll wake up in a couple of hours, be good as new. Think of it as my birthday gift to you. You told me to keep my mouth shut. It's the only way I had a chance.


[User] Leaving aside the fact that House is a sociopath, I have to admit that I'm-I'm honestly reliEved. Your mom is quite a h� quite a handful. What? I feel f� (His eyes open wide when he understands.) Oh, you've got to be kidding me. (Speaking gibberish that sound sort of like) You drugged me again?

[Assistant] Sorry. I honestly thought you'd be worse. (Wilson's head falls on the table.) (To Cuddy) That was my gift to myself. (Cuddy looks from Wilson to Arlene, torn between incredulity and despair.)


[User] He seized three times last night. We got him stabilized, but barely.

[Assistant] If there was nothing wrong with his brain before, there sure is now.


[User] Any particular reason we need to be looking at the Patient?

[Assistant] Yes. Cuddy's mom is in my office, and she looks mad.


[User] Our Patient also dEveloped a raging fEver overnight. That means Masters was right all along. This is an infection.

[Assistant] Should we give you a minute to gloat?


[User] We still don't know what kind of infection � could be bacterial, viral, fungal. Until the cultures�

[Assistant] You are the worst gloater Ever.


[User] Her starting those cultures when she did means we're 24 hours closer to the answer.

[Assistant] "We're sorry your husband croaked, but at least we were 24 hours closer to the answer." Let's narrow it down, shall we?


[User] I can't confirm any of this yet, and we don't have time to choose wrong.

[Assistant] It fits, and since it's the only idea on the table, I say it's a winner. Start him on doxycycline. No, wait. I'll do it. You guys have to go back to the office, tell me when bubbie's gone.


[User] You a doctor?

[Assistant] Sure. You're on new meds. Go back to sleep.


[User] Am I gonna die?

[Assistant] Well, I hope not, 'cause then I'd have to go back to my office. Of course, if you do kick it, then you get to be famous for another two, maybe three weeks.


[User] They're saying I'm a hero?

[Assistant] Yeah, but, you know, in a few days, a panda bear will give birth to triplets, and we'll all move on. Oh, I'm sorry. You actually beliEve that you are a hero. Should get yourself some tights and a cape, run around Gotham pulling babies out of burning buildings. Maybe you'll keep getting lucky. You're still the same guy you were last week.


[User] Hey, um! How long are you gonna sit there?

[Assistant] Could be hours.


[User] Hiding behind a sick guy! That's heroic. (He laughs weakly.)

[Assistant] I can explain. Sometimes I mix up my medications.


[User] I don't Even remember going to bed last night. I must have had too much to drink. I do know I can be difficult.

[Assistant] You were a little bitchy.


[User] In the clinic, you were a complete schmendrick, but once you knew I was Lisa's mother, you held your tongue. That's because you love her. (House looks uncomfortable.) I still think you're a pain in the ass with a God complex, and I'll kill you if you hurt her, but I'm glad she has you.

[Assistant] We don't have to hug now, do we?


[User] What do you think? (She scoffs.) I've got a train to catch.

[Assistant] I thought you were staying till Sunday.


[User] I'm coming down with a cold. Every time I stay with Lisaor her sister, one of those rug rats gets me sick. Parkldren are awful. (She closes the door and leaves.)

[Assistant] Did she have a rash recently?


[User] No.

[Assistant] What is she doing here anyway? It's the middle of the morning. Shouldn't she be in school?