[User] House! don't! bully her. She's overwhelmed enough.

[Assistant] Well, it's nothing compared to how she's gonna feel when her daughter dies from the aneurysm she decided not to treat.


[User] You must be Dr. House.

[Assistant] I save my appearances for when parents are on the brink of doing something incredibly stupid. Your daughter has a Berry aneurysm. She needs surgery. What she does not need is you making this or any other decision.


[User] Well, I can't just leave this up to her.

[Assistant] Then leave it up to me, and just leave.


[User] Ohh. I'm not gonna abandon my daughter.

[Assistant] She hates you. [long pause. Ellen finally nods, acknowledging the truth of that statement.] It's actually not such a big deal. There's plenty of kids who hate their parents. What makes it a big deal is that she should hate you. Playing the biology card doesn't change anything except where she lives. Your daughter is better off without you. So! let her be better off without you. I'm gonna do the surgery. I'll take the fallout from Social Services.


[User] It's a little late for that. Good night.

[Assistant] Morning!


[User] I heard you went head-to-head with the mom.

[Assistant] Not for your reasons.


[User] You're protecting the girl.

[Assistant] I'm protecting my diagnosis.


[User] And you tested her � see if you could get her back on drugs and out of her daughter's life.

[Assistant] That was to show Adams that Mommie Dearest hadn't changed. I'm taking a principled stand against idealism.


[User] Your Patient's stable? Well, maybe Adams was right. The illness is alcohol-related.

[Assistant] Well, I hope so, considering it's what we're treating her for.


[User] You-you hope you're wrong for the sake of the Patient?

[Assistant] I hope that I'm right but the aneurism bursts without killing her. Call me a softie. [They get off the elevator.] Or the mom agrees to an autopsy so I can prove it.


[User] [still in character] But all the menfolk been eatin' it, and we the only ones that's sick.

[Assistant] Which one of you is the cheap bastard? [Sheldon makes a "huh"�-type grunt.] Your uniforms. They're not wool. They're polyester. Cheap polyester. Which gets processed with a heavy metal called antimony. You wear badly processed polyester all day and night for days and nights, you get antimony poisoning, which caused your diarrhea and your numbness in your hands. And your collective vomiting.


[User] Because they don't cost anything.

[Assistant] Brother against brother. Now, that is authentic.


[User] Get me a micro-vascular clip tray as well as the occlusion.

[Assistant] [on speaker from the observation deck] Check the ventricles.


[User] Ventricles are clear too.

[Assistant] Aneurysm must have leaked instead of burst. Inject the dye.


[User] Her BP's dropping. Start her on pressors. We gotta get her BP up before her organs start shutting down.

[Assistant] Adams! with me.


[User] She got a little better when we put her on steroids, which can attack tumor cells. Maybe she has cancer.

[Assistant] No hypercalcemia, no elevated blood proteins.


[User] She and her mom mentioned a trip they took to Florida a couple years ago �what about dengue fEver? Cholera?

[Assistant] Great ideas, if dengue fEver or cholera laid in wait for two years before suddenly! Did your biological daughter go swimming in Florida? In a lake or a pond or an Everglade?


[User] Uh!yeah. There's a canal near my mother's House. Do you know what's wrong with her?

[Assistant] Family vacations kill. [He heads into the O.R.] Come with me. Don't want to explain this twice.


[User] You're letting in the flies. And she needs an LVAD.

[Assistant] No, she doesn't. Your daughter has ascariasis. It's a disease caused by a parasitic worm found in feces. Animals use the canal as a potty, the eggs from the feces ended up in Callie's intestines when she went swimming! [CGI of Callie's intestines] where they hung out, quietly and asymptomatically, biding their time till, somewhere along the way, they got knocked loose. Maybe a dive in volleyball practice or maybe she slipped on her way into a soup kitchen. But once they hatched, the worms got to work on her lungs, her ear, the nerves in her legs. The worms got agitated by the steroids we gave her, which started them on their journey to the esophagus and, ultimately, to the heart. A few pills of Mebendazole! She'll be fine.


[User] Callie agrees with you! that people don't change. She said when her mom slips again, she didn't want to be there. She'd rather remember her like she is now.

[Assistant] Smart girl.


[User] You got the ending you wanted.

[Assistant] 'Cause I was only looking to solve the case, not their lives. Now, I don't care if the people who work for me are screwed up. In fact, I Even encourage it. But absolution? You do that on your own time. [pause] Or not at all. 'Cause! clearly, you suck at it.


[User] This is Mark Sanchez. Do you know what sound people make about him? Pffftt! [He blows a raspberry.]

[Assistant] Working late? Husband have her tonight?


[User] And Every night. She broke it off. It's for the best. I'm not really an affair guy after all.

[Assistant] Sure you are, buddy. You just lost interest once it stopped being an affair. That's why you're reliEved. But don't worry � it's not gonna end here. You'll just have to get your adrenaline fix somewhere else. [He opens the Vicodin bottle.] When that doesn't do it anymore, then you'll just! escalate things somehow. [swallows pills] At least, that's what I've been told.


[User] I'm not like you, House.

[Assistant] True. No limp.


[User] Let the record show that we are officially convening a disciplinary hearing regarding the Events of February 3, 2012 in Patient room 209. Dr. House, this recording will be transcribed and published along with all supporting documentation and rulings. Do you have any questions before we get started?

[Assistant] Yeah. Who the hell are you?


[User] I'm Walter Cofield, Parkef of Neurology, Mercy Hospital. I'll be deciding your fate today.

[Assistant] Cofield. [thinks] You were the Residency Director at Hopkins before you moved to Mercy, which means it's safe to assume that you trained Foreman. Which means it's also safe to assume that he trusts you.


[User] This hearing isn't about me, Dr. House. I know you'd like to make it about me, because then it wouldn't be about you.

[Assistant] It's interesting that he'd pick the old mentor to Judge the new one.


[User] Interesting, but not relevant. The facts of this case, on the other hand�

[Assistant] [interrupting] The facts are in the file. If you have trouble reading my handwriting, give me a call. I'm going back to work.


[User] If I just consider the file, the facts aren't in your favor. The facts say you should be suspended, which, from what I understand, would mean a revocation of your parole.

[Assistant] The Patient was a 32-year-old high school chemistry teacher. He collapsed while out jogging. He was paralyzed in all four extremities despite the fact that the scans!


[User] Show no sign of stroke or structural lesions.

[Assistant] Put out an APB for a car with a Man-shaped dent in the grill?


[User] No broken bones, no signs of trauma.

[Assistant] Transverse myelitis. Boring.


[User] No enhancement on the MRI. I just don't know what to do. [pleading] Please. You have to help me solve this thing.

[Assistant] A little poetic license. [He takes some Vicodin.]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Taking my Vic-amins.


[User] Those are Vicodin? Did you have surgery recently?

[Assistant] About a decade ago. My leg is no good at judging time.


[User] Were you taking Vicodin during this case?

[Assistant] Uhh! Yes. [takes another] And during about nine years of previous cases. [He tosses the empty pill bottle in a trash can.] My process is proven. Good things usually happen. Bad things sometimes happen.


[User] And when bad things happen, we should figure out what went wrong, so we can learn from it and correct it.

[Assistant] So that we can assign blame instead of recognizing that bad things sometimes happen. It was nobody's fault.


[User] And then what happened?

[Assistant] Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who can't move their arms or legs teach us to laugh at others.


[User] And why did House think that was stupid?

[Assistant] Oh, come on. Unless you're an idiot, you know why I thought Park was an idiot.


[User] [looks at Patient file] The Patient had low opening pressure on his LP.

[Assistant] That's what I said. No, you idiot. The Patient had low opening pressure on his LP. Try unsquinting your eyes and reading the labs next time.


[User] Are you intentionally trying to get me to dislike you?

[Assistant] That wasn't me. The chair squeaked.


[User] You're testifying, for the record, that you actually used the phrasing "unsquint your eyes"? It's not the place to exorcise your guilt just b�

[Assistant] I actually used the phrasing [enunciating clearly into the recorder] "unsquint your eyes."


[User] EKG was normal.

[Assistant] But Chase, a doctor who actually takes the time to read the lab reports, has a point. The guy's potassium is off. Could be thyrotoxic paralysis. Start him on! !steroids, PTU, and beta blockers.


[User] Mm-hmm. And how did these orange smudges get on the Patient files?

[Assistant] Seriously? That's your follow-up? I eat a lot of Cheetos, I forget to wash my hands. Is my snacking really relevant to this case?


[User] Seriously, House?

[Assistant] You're blaming me? You used Adams' shampoo.


[User] [calmly] I didn't do it.

[Assistant] It was a harmless prank. My team is made up of Type A personalities. They need something to break the tension Every once in a while.


[User] Sounds like a very diplomatic way of saying he's lazy.

[Assistant] That's also true. Either way, I'm covered. If you want an accurate Patient history, don't Ever talk to the Patient. Everybody lies. Except me. To you. Would nEver do that.


[User] Okay. Say you're right. If you had actually been in the room, questioning the Patient, you could read body language, you could ask follow-up questions, warn him of the costs of lying to you.

[Assistant] Don't forget the thumbscrews.


[User] Looks like you've gone viral, hon.

[Assistant] He had a loss of consciousness, temporary paralysis! But when I was told the Patient coughed up blood, then things really started to get interesting.


[User] Your Patient was doubled over in pain and coughing up blood, and you found that interesting?

[Assistant] Why, is that bad?


[User] He smacked his head against the wall. If that caused swelling in his brainstem, that would have led to Eventual loss of consciousness and paralysis.

[Assistant] [muffled] Nobody move.


[User] Mm-hmm.

[Assistant] You can leave when I have an answer.


[User] [through his lab coat sleEve, which he is holding to his nose and mouth] It might help if we knew the question.

[Assistant] How do we treat chemical burns inside the lungs?


[User] [speaking quickly with the front of her blouse pulled up over her nose] Maybe we can use a bronchoalveolar lavage to wash 'em out with water.

[Assistant] Sorry. My fault. Should have clarified. How do we treat chemical burns inside the lungs without killing the Patient?


[User] [hands cupped over her mouth and nose] Silver sulfadiazine works well on chemical burns.

[Assistant] Burn cream would drown him faster than water. [waves stink bomb] Well?


[User] [temporarily parting the lapels of his lab coat and sticking his head up] Aerosolized heparin.

[Assistant] Me likey.


[User] But that's only experimental. It's nEver actually been used before.

[Assistant] Not true. Been used in sheep.


[User] Uh-huh.

[Assistant] The guy was going downhill fast. We needed a treatment that was a! slope changer.


[User] So you busted out the sulfur dioxide stink bomb?

[Assistant] It was a team-building exercise.


[User] No. It was Manipulation. You were pressuring your team into coming up with unsafe medical ideas just to get out of that room.

[Assistant] You say pressure, I say inspire. The usual safe ideas were not gonna work. Aerosolized heparin might.


[User] How does Dr. House handle it when three smart doctors come up with three different but equally valid ideas?

[Assistant] I run a diagnostic trial. Start the Patient on high-dose steroids. Multiple birds, single stone. If Taub is right, then he will walk out of here cured. If Adams is right, he'll spike a fEver, get hypotensive, we can treat it. He can walk out of here cured. If Park is right, he goes all cuckoo's nest on us, we can cross "brain" off the list! !diagnose him, and he can walk out of here cured.


[User] Are you trying to make this easy for me? By your own admission, if you give the Patient steroids, two of the three outcomes are gonna make him worse.

[Assistant] What was making the Patient worse was not having a diagnosis. This was the fastest way to get it. It was a perfect diagnostic moment.


[User] In light of what happened, you still think it was the perfect diagnostic moment?

[Assistant] Yes. My theory accounted for all the medical outcomes. [Cofield raises one eyebrow.] It did not account for the disobEdience of my own team.


[User] So your position is that your team's disobEdience caused this?

[Assistant] That's not what I said.


[User] You said you didn't anticipate their defiance. You implied that all would have been fine otherwise. So who do you blame, Dr. Adams or Dr. Chase? Or both?

[Assistant] I don't blame either one.


[User] Got to move it, people.

[Assistant] My diagnostic test worked. It proved the Patient had a steroid-induced psychosis.


[User] And that's what you took away from this situation?

[Assistant] The brain was not a symptom of an underlying disease.


[User] Your colleague was stabbed. Are you telling me you didn't care?

[Assistant] How bad is it?


[User] I can't take my finger out. He'll bleed. I don't think he can take it.

[Assistant] Oxygenation's at 100%. He's as ready as he's gonna be.


[User] Patch is holding.

[Assistant] What was his heart rate?


[User] He doesn't have one. He's on bypass.

[Assistant] Not Chase. The Patient.


[User] [in disbelief] You're DDX-ing?

[Assistant] Park, come with me. Taub's got this.


[User] My friend is here because you didn't listen to me.

[Assistant] I did listen to you. Chase didn't listen to me. At this point, being here makes you feel better. You're not helping Chase or our Patient. [She turns back to the table.] Fine.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] Lungs, rash, now excessive RR variability. Go.


[User] It's a hospital. There are lots of doctors who can take care of him.

[Assistant] And your thinking is that only you guys are qualified to sit in this room, doing nothing? If you're motivated by caring, just bear in mind he's a dediCated chemistry teacher with a pretty wife and adoring students, baby on the way.


[User] She's not pregnant.

[Assistant] Would it make a difference? 'Cause I could knock her up. Autonomic dysregulation.


[User] I don't think it was anyone's fault. I was angry, but I wasn't distracted. And I think that, if there's any chance I'm gonna walk again, it's because Dr. House is a genius.

[Assistant] How about warmth? Can you feel the sheets on your skin?


[User] That'd mean the damage was perManent.

[Assistant] No. [turns back] Forget the nerves.


[User] House, if it's total paralysis, he must have!

[Assistant] Not necessarily. Think arteries. Blood flow to his spinal column is cut off. It's a clot in the radicular artery.


[User] That could be fixable.

[Assistant] Prep a room for an embolectomy. Let's get that thing out of there before it does any more damage.


[User] And if it's not a clot?

[Assistant] Then you can ask Foreman if hospital insurance covers ramp-vans.


[User] Don't get too excited. We still got to get it out. Still could have done perManent damage.

[Assistant] Patient does not have autonomic dysregulation. There's blood in his urine bag. Kidneys are failing.


[User] House, not now.

[Assistant] Got to be now. Foreman is transferring our guy to Princeton general as soon as there's a bed available. Says the doctors here can no longer be objective since the stabbing.


[User] This will be our last round of questions. I've spoken with Dr. Chase. You know he regained movement.

[Assistant] No.


[User] Are you really this indifferent to the fact that Dr. Chase is hurt?

[Assistant] We're going off the record because this is irrelevant, or are you gonna hit me?


[User] Why don't you go tell the guy you're sorry!

[Assistant] I didn't do anything wrong.


[User] It's not an admission of guilt. He's your friend, and he's not well.

[Assistant] He's a coworker.


[User] Coworker whom you've known for almost ten years who nearly died and who's still scared he may not walk.

[Assistant] Are you going to have me fired for bad Manners?


[User] Just trying to understand you. Why a Man in your position, with your abilities, is incapable of shaking the impulse to act like an ass.

[Assistant] [pulling a Vicodin bottle from his pocket] Could we go back on the record and get this over with?


[User] Put the Vicodin away, Dr. House.

[Assistant] My leg hurts.


[User] [brushing Vicodin off his papers] Is that supposed to be funny?

[Assistant] Two explosions.


[User] We're not done here.

[Assistant] Hey, hold on. Take him out of there. Hey! Wait. [catParkng up with her] Wait.


[User] I have to get to my car. I don't! I n�

[Assistant] Your husband has a tumor in his lymph nodes.


[User] You've been wrong Every time.

[Assistant] Yeah, well, not this time. [shot of the explosion followed by CGI of the lymph node activity.] The explosion in the classroom caused the cancer cells to break open. It's called tumor lysis syndrome. His body's flooded with an excess of phosphates, potassium, acids, all kinds of cancerous junk. It explains the paralysis, the bleeding, the heart and kidney issues, Everything.


[User] What about the psychotic break?

[Assistant] Turns out we caused that. [The elevator arrives. She gets in.] This is treatable. Okay? [He holds the elevator door open.] You have to tell the new doctors that he needs total body radiation and plasmapheresis.


[User] Move your cane, please.

[Assistant] Where's Cofield?


[User] He said you walked out.

[Assistant] Well, I'm walking back. I'm not done testifying.


[User] This case is a fiasco. Didn't sleep last night. [pause] Dr. House is obviously brilliant!

[Assistant] Well, I think we've heard enough.


[User] I know. I came to speak with Dr. House. And when they told me he was in here, I thought I should say something. I mean! he wasn't the nicest doctor I've Ever met.

[Assistant] Well, I think we've heard enough.


[User] As I was saying, Dr. House's process is dangerous, inappropriate. But he is effective. I've decided that I would be doing this hospital a disservice if I did anything to change that process. [House stares at him.] Congratulations, Dr. House. This unfortunate stabbing incident is officially nobody's fault.

[Assistant] Coward.


[User] Excuse me?

[Assistant] You've got, like, 20 pages of notes there. You were expecting to bore us for at least half an hour. [He stands and snatches Cofield's folder] You got my parole form in here. You were gonna send me back to prison.


[User] House, stop.

[Assistant] Good things usually happen; Bad things sometimes happen. The fact that that would-be widow came in just in time to sob all over your soft, mushy heart and the fact that her husband's gonna live does not change whether or not I did the right thing. How'd you get the firing wire into the Vicodin bottle without me noticing?


[User] Why'd I Even have to? What was the point of the orange hair?

[Assistant] Your hair smelled like Adams. And since there's no way that you're doing her without me knowing, it means you were just doing her shampoo. Which means you were out late drinking with some new girl or, because there is no new girl, you were trying to make up time by showering at the hospital because you're too lazy to buy your own shampoo. So I found a way to let you know to not be late.


[User] You couldn't just ask me to stop being late?

[Assistant] What fun would that be?


[User] None of this is fun, House.

[Assistant] They decided that your being stabbed! was nobody's fault. [long pause. Chase is listening.] They're wrong. I'm sorry.


[User] Anything else? I'm kind of busy.

[Assistant] No. That was it.


[User] I was stabbed by a Patient. That'll teach me to overbill.

[Assistant] (seeing Cindy) If she likes crippled guys, I'm free for the next six minutes.


[User] What do you want?

[Assistant] 45 year-old truck driver, recurrent seizures. No metabolic or structural!


[User] (interrupting) Does this look like a good time?

[Assistant] Sort of. At least as good as the other 12 times that I've called and paged you in the last three weeks.


[User] Those times I just didn't feel like talking to you. Kinda like now.

[Assistant] I'd apologize again, but I'm still waiting for you to accept the first one. (he pauses) You do work for me. I am entitled to ask when you're coming back.


[User] Stress test too. It's not angina. So why the shoulder pain?

[Assistant] (entering the room with Taub, Adams, and Park) Is it possible that she hurt her shoulder?


[User] I didn't tell him.

[Assistant] (to Wilson) You were cagey about where you were going. And Chase being cagey in general. Good chance I'd find the two of you in the same cage. So I had Park follow you.


[User] Good to see you on your feet.

[Assistant] (he has picked up the Patient file) Patient's a nun? You turning back to your long-abandoned faith in time of trouble?


[User] She was next up in the clinic. (taking the file from House) And I don't want your help.

[Assistant] You got stabbed. You blame me. But what did you learn about me that you hadn't known for years?


[User] Maybe I was an idiot before and I'm not one now.

[Assistant] Or maybe the rEverse is true.


[User] (looking back at Wilson) Thanks for all your help.

[Assistant] (leaning in close) Your soul sister is having a fungal infection from the unprocessed wheat in the altar breads. Explains the shoulder pain and the jumbo lymph nodes. (calling out to Chase) Thanks for all my help.


[User] Not a fungal infection.

[Assistant] You're pRobably wondering, why the soda balloons?


[User] I'm not.

[Assistant] Well, I'll tell you. You're not the only one whose life spiraled out of control when you got knifed in the ventricle. Taub has decided!


[User] (interrupting) I need help with my Patient. She's vomiting. That's not from a fungal infection.

[Assistant] What are you planning to do now that you're not working for me?


[User] I have no idea. Almost dying's been clarifying. I can do anything.

[Assistant] You can do anything. So you come back to the same building you've worked in for years. Guess you can cross that off your bucket list.


[User] Can we get to my Patient sometime soon?

[Assistant] As soon as you admit that you're a confused mess, sure.


[User] You'll help me. 'Cause Even though you don't find my case interesting, you find my interest in it interesting.

[Assistant] Well, when you put it that way! Ascending colangitis.


[User] Can't be, bilirubin's normal.

[Assistant] (grabbing up another soda balloon) Clinical signs can show up days before lab signs.


[User] (looking back up at House) Ha ha ha!

[Assistant] This is great. We should make this a regular thing.


[User] Ketosteroid lEvels are low. How can he be hyper-sexual?

[Assistant] He tried to tongue-kiss Park when you were closer. You think his sexuality is normal?


[User] I need more help. My Patient has a new symptom. Ischemic foot. Get the lecture out of your system so we can talk about my case.

[Assistant] Let me start with an allegory.


[User] Okay, I'm curious.

[Assistant] Your overreaction to your stabbing is to blame me Even as you are drawn to me. Taub's is to take moronic self-defense classes that won't defend him against anything.


[User] Krav Maga. Which helped me block your shot and will continue to help me defend myself in a building full of drugged-up strangers.

[Assistant] Taub has to accept that by instinct and genetics he is a coward, who's better off running and hiding at the first sign of danger.


[User] I've already fended off six of your blitzkriegs in a row.

[Assistant] And the sEventh? And the eighth? And the Nth?


[User] If you get him, what's that gonna prove?

[Assistant] That unexpected things happen. By definition, no class can teach you to expect them. Which is why Taub is idiotic to study them, and you're idiotic to attach any significance to them. (putting the paint gun down on the table) Blood clot.


[User] Her D-dimer's normal.

[Assistant] On the other hand!


[User] That explains Everything but the lymph nodes. And any minor infection

[Assistant] Calcium channel blocker to treat. (Chase takes up his crutches and leaves)


[User] (she nods) It is gonna be hard. Not touParkng anyone.

[Assistant] Who knew mother inferior was a smoking hottie. No wonder you're playing handsies with her.


[User] (tossing the chart on the counter) You think I'm hitting on a nun? Angry at God or I just need a challenge?

[Assistant] Or you're terrified of intimacy, which is why you're a serial slut. But right now you're grasping at an emotional life raft. Ideally someone for whom intimacy's not an option. That actually makes sense, which I can't say about anything else you've been doing.


[User] Bounding, four-plus. It was a three-plus 20 minutes ago.

[Assistant] Twenty? Thought she just got here. (pulling back Chase's shirt to look at the blood on his neck) That blood looks pretty dry. Cut yourself shaving? You know, that can happen when the nun you woke up with coughs blood on you.


[User] Former, to both.

[Assistant] Internal neck trauma, that's impressive. It's happened to me a few times. (raising his hand in the air) Up high.


[User] (to House) Tell him!

[Assistant] Do the surgery.


[User] You're trying to score points with him at the risk of a Patient's life.

[Assistant] He's the better surgeon.


[User] We removed the artery. I found nodules.

[Assistant] Could mean lupus.


[User] Negative A.N.A. (House gets up) Where are you going?

[Assistant] Great thing about assigning Taub fraudulent lab work is you know exactly where he's gonna end up. Great thing about assigning Taub obviously fraudulent lab work is you get to watch his inner paranoiac at work. And then! Two to the head.


[User] Can we talk about my Patient?

[Assistant] Quite a journey. Starts with a surgical tool in your heart and ends with a surgeon's tool in a nun. What's the plan?


[User] Plan's to cure her.

[Assistant] Well, if it's not meaningless sex, kinda screams out for an end game. You're the dog that's chasing the popemobile. You sure you want! Oh, my God. Taub is interrogating the janitor. He must think that I hired him to attack! actually, why didn't I do that? Plaques could be confused for nodules. Which would mean!


[User] Syphilis.

[Assistant] Explains the shoulder and foot involvement. Hope you practiced immaculate contraception. Lock and load. (loudly) Boo-yah! (sputtering as the water hits his face) Pfft!


[User] Checked the anesthesia sheet, pressure was fine throughout. Thrombus?

[Assistant] That voice in the hall that none of us have any reason to be listening to is, not surprisingly, wrong. Abdominal ultrasound was negative.


[User] Wilson said it wasn't cancer.

[Assistant] Wilson says it's not breast cancer.


[User] Then we've got to biopsy.

[Assistant] Yeah, Foreman's clearly wrong. You're clearly not grasping at straws 'cause you're clearly not emotionally involved. I know you want to beliEve that this is something we can cure. It's not. I'm sorry. (the team disperses, leaving Chase standing alone in the hallway)


[User] She has jaw claudication. If you only heard claudication and carotid dissection!

[Assistant] I'd say giant cell arteritis. And I'd tell your former teammates to put her on steroids.


[User] She's gonna live.

[Assistant] Yeah. And then what? (Chase hurries out)


[User] Now! I think I love you.

[Assistant] (reading from the computer monitor) "Noradrenaline and near-death experiences." Oh, dear. You saw God?


[User] She did. She wants to go back to the monastery.

[Assistant] So now you're preparing a Powerpoint presentation to keep her in your garden of earthly delights. You're an idiot.


[User] Because I found someone I love?

[Assistant] Because you're an idiot. (House pops some Vicodin) At least you two have that in common.


[User] Her feelings are based on a chemical process. They're gonna wear off.

[Assistant] You just slept with her. Your brain is exploding with oxytocin. You think that's gonna last through the ages?


[User] (picking up his printout and moving toward the door) She's throwing away her life because of blind faith.

[Assistant] So are you! She's found something she wants to build her life around. It's a total illusion, but apparently she'll take a little ignorance with her bliss. And you want to take that away?


[User] How Many times have you thrown the truth in people's faces?

[Assistant] Because it's the truth, not because we're gonna live happily Ever after. Either your relationship just blows up like Every other non-magical roMance, or she stays with you but blames you for stripping all the meaning out of her life.


[User] (angrily) This has nothing to do with the truth. You don't like that I'm reassessing my life, that I want to change it, that I can.

[Assistant] Anyone can screw up a life. I nEver said that wasn't possible.


[User] You're incapable of huMan connection, so you want Everyone to be like you.

[Assistant] If I wanted you to be like me! I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable. You reassess your life when you've made mistakes. You didn't. You just got stabbed. (Chase leaves)


[User] 40 year-old water treatment worker with pyrexia and double vision.

[Assistant] ! You said he worked in a sewer!


[User] I'm good. [He sits as Chase joins them.] Your limp's almost gone.

[Assistant] It pains me to interrupt the collegial banter, it pains me Even more to listen to it continue. 38-year-old Man. Spikes a fEver and collapses during a speaking engagement. E.R. checks out blood volume, cardiac function, and autonomic reflexes, all normal.


[User] E.R. did a head CT. No sign of AVM. Decent thought, though.

[Assistant] The Patient's philosophy makes perfect sense. Its only flaw is that it's impossible. Evolution does not work that way. You can't talk legs onto a fish. We're gonna go extinct, and we're gonna do it drinking scotch and driving muscle cars. Am I right? [He puts up both fists.] Am I� [After a long pause, Chase and Taub reluctantly do knuckle bumps with him.] Thank you.


[User] It doesn't explain the fEver. The Patient's talking about compromise. If you don't think that's possible, you don't think relationships are possible.

[Assistant] Anyone in this room in a position to disprove that?


[User] [nods] Less invasive than the angiogram. Good idea.

[Assistant] [reluctantly] Fine. [inhale] Now, I am hereby searParkng for a number two. So I'm eating a lot of bran. [fake laugh/snort] Also, I want a team leader. Someone to fill Foreman's old job.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] You're right. We don't need any more structure. It's not like we had a near-fatal stabbing. Well, if it isn't the old ball and Ukraine.


[User] His wife.

[Assistant] Dominika.


[User] House. You survived prison.

[Assistant] And you Atlantic City, where they also have gangs and pruno, but slightly less recidivism.


[User] I start Ukrainian food truck business. After gambling � win, lose � Everybody likes a little knish.

[Assistant] You're here, and I seem to remember throwing out a bunch of certified letters from immigration. I'm assuming there's a connection.


[User] Our green card interview is in four days. They come to the apartment, they ask questions about marriage, vacations, family history, what side of the bed each sleep on.

[Assistant] We've nEver taken a vacation, I don't like your family, and on top. I hear Kiev is lovely this time of year. And your mother, who may or may not be dead for all I know, misses you.


[User] Can it be that genius doctor is afraid to take on a silly government apparatParkk?

[Assistant] Well, I would say more not interested than afraid, but why quibble?


[User] We'll need to know exactly how you changed your diet, and when.

[Assistant] Need my apartment key back.


[User] If you're breaking up with me, can we at least talk about it first?

[Assistant] Maybe if you weren't all nag and no shag.


[User] I don't sleep with married men.

[Assistant] I'll get a copy made.


[User] You're an ex-con. If you get caught perjuring yourself to Homeland Security, you'll end up back in jail.

[Assistant] And that would be troubling if there was the slightest chance that we'd get caught.


[User] You barely know each other. You've got about five minutes to remake yourselves into a convincing married couple. And! why? Dominika gets a green card. What's in this for you?

[Assistant] This is what men do for the women they pretend to love. Also, she's paying me 30,000 bucks once we pass. Apparently knishes sell like hotcakes.


[User] [entering] Lab results.

[Assistant] Afraid you're gonna have to finish your nag later.


[User] And our Patient's a true beliEver about the follies of masculinity. He underwent a spiritual overhaul three years ago. He also went off gluten and red meat. Unfortunately, that doesn't explain any of his symptoms.

[Assistant] One of those points is not absurd.


[User] What's absurd about a change of heart? What this guy beliEves is making him a better person. He's going against his baser instincts.

[Assistant] "Base" meaning foundational. Meaning things we are biologically programmed to do. Yes, perfectly natural that he stopped doing that stuff. [confidentially, to Adams] You know, that's the kind of lapse that could take you out of the running for team leader.


[User] I feel surprisingly okay with that.

[Assistant] Comes with a 50-buck-a-week raise.


[User] You don't want to do that. Might need your dignity later in life.

[Assistant] You didn't. And she could be on her way to living the dream unless the rest of you nut up and give her� [He stops and thinks.] This spiritual overhaul! did it come after a physical overhaul? A major injury of some kind?


[User] Bar fight. But there's no way a broken wrist explains�

[Assistant] Adams, come with me. [to Chase] You too. You guys! get a copy of that made. [He gives his key to Park.] Did those dudes bend your ball sack like Beckham? Three years ago. The bar fight.


[User] This is Dr. House. He has a theory.

[Assistant] Oh, Dr. Adams, would you mind? [Adams turns to the door, bends over and picks up the pen. Marlene glances at her. Joe continues to stare at House.] I asked you a question. I assume you know the answer.


[User] Yeah, I took a couple serious knees to the groin.

[Assistant] Wha � what has gotten into me? Dr. Chase. [Chase looks suspicious.] Just pick it up.


[User] Do you know what's wrong with me?

[Assistant] Nothing that The Golden Girls couldn't have handled in 23 hilarious minutes. You had a hot flash. Those guys kicked your guys hard enough to do lasting damage. You didn't Even look when presented with two reasonably attractive tuPark. [loudly, to Chase and Adams] Yeah, I said it!


[User] I was listening to my doctor.

[Assistant] People generally listen with their ears, leaving their eyes free to wander. I'm guessing that your testosterone lEvel is just below "Bieber." Do a blood test to confirm, and start hormone replacement. It's no wonder that you think women are so great. You've basically been one for the last three years.


[User] It's not a plumbing pRoblem. Means it's pRobably neurological.

[Assistant] And?


[User] [pulling some papers to him] And name Dominika's three brothers.

[Assistant] Uh! Volodymyr, Oleksiy, and! [frustrated] aaugf.


[User] Low testosterone is off the table as a symptom. Guy got his nuts cracked three years ago. Don't need to look much further than that.

[Assistant] So his hose just happens to spring a leak at the same time he's in a hospital for a totally unrelated pRoblem. [points to Chase, triumphantly] Fjodor.


[User] If low testosterone means I can't get sick with something else, then punch me in the junk right now.

[Assistant] I would, if it weren't redundant. Is Fedir the one who married Mykola?


[User] How is it you can retain Every detail of our habits and personal lives, and none of this?

[Assistant] 'Cause I find it hard to remember things I don't give a crap about. Ergo, Dominika has one brother, and his name is Al.


[User] Maybe the testicular damage set the stage for something worse. Multiple Sclerosis causes incontinence, and progresses faster in men with low T.

[Assistant] Way to stay on point. It's that kind of leadership that's putting you at the head of the pack.


[User] There is no pack. She's the only applicant.

[Assistant] Well, that's settled, then. Have your underlings do an LP and get a cranio-spinal MRI to check for plaques associated with M.S. I will go tell Foreman about your promotion.


[User] You just don't want anyone else to have it. This'll be great.

[Assistant] Your grandmother's kind of sexy.


[User] That is Taras Shevchenko, the greatest Ukrainian poet.

[Assistant] Is he the guy behind "There once was a Man from Kremenchuk"?


[User] Help me move coffee table.

[Assistant] [helping] Well, then where will we have coffee? And by "coffee" I mean scotch.


[User] Amy Grant?

[Assistant] I know. But there's a hot girl jumping up and down in my living room, so!


[User] You have a limited amount of time to learn a ton of uninteresting facts. Welcome to my wheelHouse.

[Assistant] You brought a protractor?


[User] You nEver know when you might need to make a pie chart.

[Assistant] [sits on the couch] Looks like someone is currying favor for the team leader position.


[User] Yes. We'll be using a basic alphabet technique with a mnemonic multiplier. In high school, they called me "The Bookie Monster." [claps] Pop quiz. Where did you get the candlesticks? [She points to the Mantelpiece.] On three. One, two, three.

[Assistant] Morocco.


[User] [voice] Smile. It's your Honeymoon.

[Assistant] [hugging Dominika close] So what causes double vision on top of all the other symptoms?


[User] Thyroid eye disease in conjunction with Graves.

[Assistant] Thyroid lEvel was normal.


[User] Check it out. Simpson traded this in exchange for me helping out on some of my days off.

[Assistant] Quite the display of initiative and leadership.


[User] [putting on a embroidered blue jumpsuit] Ooh, a little one. He'd be a good pick.

[Assistant] Smooth. You let the rest of them compete, tear each other to pieces, then you swoop in with a save. Start the Patient on IVIG and plasmapheresis.


[User] Can you handle that, please? I need a minute.

[Assistant] Well, make it quick. We're doin' Memphis.


[User] You think you want this, but it's a bad idea.

[Assistant] I was gonna go Dollywood, but I'm not sure I could pull off that wig.


[User] Everybody was playing nice, and in your world, nice doesn't solve cases, but after what happened, a little bonding is a good thing. [House takes a Vicodin.] We still have ideas, we still argue. Maybe it could work better if we appreciate each other.

[Assistant] That was impressive. You said that whole thing without once moving your lips. [Taub looks puzzled.] The ones you're not moving.


[User] Oh. I get it. I won't play along with your stupid games, so I'm no longer a Man. ClEver.

[Assistant] Actually, you won't play along with my stupid games because you're no longer a Man. Still clEver, though. Studies have shown that raising kids lowers testosterone lEvels in men. The more involved you are, the lower it gets.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] Fedir is the brother she worries about the most. Ever since Luba passed. [Wilson enters.] Sorry. But this is the closest we could find to the cold, soulless offices of a government bureaucracy.


[User] Does Dominika still communiCate with her high school friends?

[Assistant] Uh, Vasyl, yes. Oksana, no. Not since she kissed Pavlo. 'Cause that bitch knew that Dominika liked him.


[User] So much for myasthenia gravis.

[Assistant] Can we hurry this up? I have a government to defraud at noon.


[User] Just until I realized our Patient has no sign of parenchymal lung abnormalities, which makes sarcoidosis a long shot. And bookkeeping isn't gonna get you any farther than boobs.

[Assistant] Though in fairness, the boobs were really, really helping.


[User] So your theory is that he has two unrelated diseases. And he's already got low testosterone. I seem to remember something about House hating coincidences.

[Assistant] It's true.


[User] 10% of cases present without a rash.

[Assistant] Lyme disease it is. Start the Patient on antibiotics. Now I have to get home before my fake wife gets real annoyed.


[User] These are such pretty flowers you buy for me Every Friday, from Japanese florist, on corner of Edison and Conway.

[Assistant] Just one more thing. [He opens a box.] With this ring, I thee wedded. You left it here when you skipped town with your boyfriend.


[User] You kept the rings.

[Assistant] Actually, I tried to trade them to a hooker for unspecified favors, but it turns out she doesn't accept zinc.


[User] Dr. and Mrs. Gregory House?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] Nate WeinMann. U.S. Immigration.

[Assistant] Welcome to our home.


[User] Uh, do you remember the last time she visited Vasyl?

[Assistant] Uh, let me see, that would be! August? No. No, July. 'Cause I remember it was right after our half-anniversary, and I forgot to put a gift in her suitcase. And! I've nEver heard the end of that one.


[User] Mm-hmm.

[Assistant] Honey, why do you do this to me? You know I'm watParkng my weight.


[User] You're that guy that plays noisy video games with House on Saturday nights.

[Assistant] There's a simple explanation.


[User] Or because he doesn't have Lyme disease. Where are you?

[Assistant] [on speaker phone] Oh, just Parkllin'. U.S. Citizenship and Immigration. Waiting on my fraud interview with my wife and my attorney. [Cut to USCIS. House, Dominika and Calvin Ayres, their attorney, sit on airport-style chairs.] No big.


[User] Either you're done, or you're walking in there without a Lawyer.

[Assistant] I know, it sounds like a phone, but it's a timer to remind me to pee before our meeting. [He walks into the bathroom, looks and the screen and answers in a British accent.] Hello, old chap.


[User] You need to save yourself. I was up last night trying to find another angle, but I can't. Tell immigration you were in love with Dominika, but your marriage fell apart, and that's why you haven't been living together.

[Assistant] She'll be deported, perManently.


[User] House, I know you like Dominika, you have fun with her, but you got caught. There's no getting out of this. The best you could hope for is that you don't go back to jail.

[Assistant] Tell my team to-to skip the biopsy and give the antibiotics more time.


[User] [to House] Don't answer that.

[Assistant] [to Ayres] Way ahead of you.


[User] I didn't buy a word you said. But a Judge might. [long pause] I'm gonna let you stay. But for the next six months, I'm gonna hold onto this file, and our investigators are gonna show up unannounced at 6:00 a.m., 11:00 at night, and they better find the two of you sitting on the couch, watParkng NCIS, eating ice cream from the same spoon. Or both of you will be sent to places far less pleasant than New Jersey.

[Assistant] [whispers to her] What you just said in there!


[User] Doesn't explain the double vision. [to House] Any time you want to jump in.

[Assistant] Is dance aeRobics Even a thing?


[User] Treatment is ivermectin. We give that to someone with liver pRoblems, he could have seizures, or worse.

[Assistant] Do it.


[User] I was wondering if maybe we overlooked a symptom, or something.

[Assistant] Makes perfect sense. If you're the Patient, and "pantywaist" is the symptom.


[User] Adams and I both thought the Patient could have celiac, but only she was willing to go out on a limb and run the test. I gave up.

[Assistant] Now you're in here watParkng a motivational speech. Even your attempt to get your balls back lacks balls.


[User] His voice � it's lower than it is now.

[Assistant] If only there was a good reason for a professional speaker to be hoarse.


[User] Good point. [turns off the video]

[Assistant] It's not a good point. It's a decent point. You're doing it again. You have any other videos? Other seminars?


[User] When you see a weakness, that's a time for strength. [clears throat] A lot of people say, "Oh, I feel bad about it. The other guy made a mistake."

[Assistant] You bailed too early. Now I get all the credit.


[User] That kind of thinking is what makes you have a bad day.

[Assistant] Chronic hoarseness is a symptom of a condition called silent thyroiditis.


[User] But I'm not hoarse.

[Assistant] Exactly. But you were three years ago. Silent thyroiditis comes and goes. And it, in turn, is a symptom of polyglandular autoimmune syndrome type 3, which makes this a really bad idea. [He throws the ivermectin in the trash.] PAS 3 attacks the body's own endocrine system, moving from gland to gland. [CGI of Joe's glands under attack.] It started in the thyroid, and pRobably helped along by your low testosterone, moved on to the gut.


[User] Where it caused celiac disease, or it would've if you weren't on a gluten-free diet. I was right.

[Assistant] This is incredibly relevant. Eventually, PAS 3 attacked your thymus gland. You dEveloped myasthenia gravis, which landed you in here, and you started eating gluten, which only made things worse.


[User] And the testosterone?

[Assistant] Kicked in the nuts is kicked in the nuts. Over the past week, you've all had good moments and bad. No one candidate has prevailed. And so now, we embark upon a contest of medical strength, stamina, and skill.


[User] Can we just get this over with?

[Assistant] If the competitor representing Australia would like to take a point deduction, he should, by all means, continue yapping.


[User] Your glee is on the verge of making this not worth it for any of us.

[Assistant] Can I at least light the torch?


[User] Hurry.

[Assistant] I declare open the games of the number one, number two competition. Je declare ouvert� [Chase gives him a look.] All right. Ready, set, suture!


[User] Well, this certainly has brought more structure to the department.

[Assistant] Really, I'm just excited for the wheelchair race. You were smart not to enter. NEver in, nEver lose. And since you no longer have stones.


[User] I'll split the 50 a week with you.

[Assistant] Deal. Honey, I'm home!


[User] You all right, Man? Take it easy, Man! [Will claps both hands over his ears, trying to block out the escalating noise.] It's okay. It's okay.

[Assistant] Kid's a blind diabetic. He's hyperglycemic hyperosmolar.


[User] His tox screens were clean.

[Assistant] [voice] You lying sack of crap.


[User] I have them right in front of me.

[Assistant] Not you. This time. My former BFF. [He looks over the balcony railing at the hospital lobby. Wilson and a Woman are walking in.] He's S-M-I-T-B-A-W-S. Stabbing me in the back as we speak.


[User] Where exactly are you?

[Assistant] If anyone should happen to ask, I'm in an out-of-state medical conference until further notice.


[User] Seizure, noise-induced epilepsy � the sound of rush hour traffic could have set it off.

[Assistant] Run an E.E.G. Blast his brain with harmonics to find out. Also, if anyone should further happen to ask, I spent the whole last year in Africa with Doctors Without Boundaries.


[User] Who are you hiding from?

[Assistant] Evil. [He takes a Vicodin.]


[User] Maybe his girlfriend poisoned him. [The others stare at her.] House usually thinks that's a good guess. And she's gotta be pissed off and have low self-esteem. Why else would she give him a free pass to pork other women?

[Assistant] [voice] Because he's handicapped. Women feel sorry for us. This cane is tail bait.


[User] [voice] Hi, guys. Was wondering if House's mother left yet. He won't let me go to our hous�

[Assistant] [voice] It's not environmental, it's periodontitis.


[User] An oral infection doesn't explain his disorientation and auditory hallucinations.

[Assistant] [voice] They're laughing because they know diabetes exacerbates the condition.


[User] It could progress to a systemic disease. The bacteria spread and affect other organs.

[Assistant] [voice] Like his brain. Start him on broad-spectrum antibiotics and book him an appointment with a periodontist.


[User] You think I'm not good enough for your mother.

[Assistant] Not in front of the kids, Honey. [A girl hands him a picture she drew. He studies it.] Hey, add a couple of flies, toss in a dead goat or two, we might have a winner. [She nods and takes the picture back as Wilson approaches.] She gone?


[User] Yeah. We really need to talk.

[Assistant] Okay. [He puts down the video controller, stands and addresses the kids.] Crayons down. Line up if you wanna get paid. [The Parkldren, each carrying a drawing, move toward House who gives each one a dollar.] [to Wilson] It's the only time I Ever successfully lie to my mom; is through the elaborate preparations and props. Hey, hey, hey. I said no Transformers, Slick. [He grabs the dollar bill from the boy.] [to Dominika] Stay here until the coast is clear.


[User] You sleeping with her now?

[Assistant] Just in case an I.N.S. guy comes in through the window.


[User] Oh.

[Assistant] Yeah, she didn't buy it either.


[User] You need to talk to your mother.

[Assistant] When I'm ready. Still need to get a fake passport, doctored photos, maybe a case of AIDS.


[User] She's sick, House.

[Assistant] Did she say that?


[User] Greg.

[Assistant] Sorry I didn't call first. I just flew back from my conference.


[User] Um, this�this really isn't, uh�

[Assistant] I need your medical records and the name of your primary physician.


[User] Well, you remember Mr. Bell.

[Assistant] Well, if I didn't, I will now. [minor epiphany] You're not dying?


[User] Yeah. This isn't how I envisioned you finding out. Mr. Bell and I, we're!

[Assistant] Having sex. Got it.


[User] Coincidence. Buying that, House?

[Assistant] Until I hear something that takes my mind off the Jurassic schlong that I was traumatized by this afternoon.


[User] You pretty much look the same as you always do.

[Assistant] Take your glasses off. Pupils dilated! Pulse elevated. Hallucinating?


[User] She ate ice cream and Gummi Bears at the Patient's apartment. One of 'em must have been dosed with it.

[Assistant] Go back and find the drugs. You two, find out where he bought them, and then MRI his brain. Check for infections, masses, and plaques.


[User] [worried, staring at her hands] Am I gonna die?

[Assistant] We'll get back to you on that.


[User] Have you seen your mother yet?

[Assistant] [taking notes from his computer screen] She's not dying. She was having sex with my father. [Park snorts a laugh.] Ignore her. She's on acid.


[User] Your father's dead, House.

[Assistant] Not the dead dad, the biological dad. The one I pointed out to you at fake father's funeral. [Thomas does look a bit like Sean Connery, if you squint.]


[User] Huh. Are you sure? Your only evidence is that birthmark you saw when you were 12.

[Assistant] Well, now I've seen two. Good news is, I won't technically be a bastard much longer. We're gonna be one big, crappy family.


[User] Well, that's-that's great news. Your mother won't be alone anymore, and you can finally get to know the guy.

[Assistant] Yes, that is one option. [His tone says otherwise.]


[User] Are you saying you're not Even curious? You want to know what I think?

[Assistant] I think you know the answer to that question.


[User] You avoid your mother because she's the one person whose opinion you actually care about.

[Assistant] If that was true, you'd have Every reason to shut up. I avoid my mother because she's boring.


[User] That's why you've been so open and honest about prison and marrying a complete stranger.

[Assistant] Even if I care what she thinks, why would I care what some sperm donor does?


[User] You read the guy's book about three times.

[Assistant] Years ago. It took three times because it was so badly written.


[User] Where's Park?

[Assistant] Wilson's babysitting her. Talking about the fact that she could have perManent brain damage might bum her trip out a little bit.


[User] A dark spot doesn't necessarily equal brain damage. It could be a congenital malformation connected with his blindness or a tumor.

[Assistant] A clot.


[User] Exactly. We need to do another scan, but inject dye and figure out�

[Assistant] I said "a clot," not "or a clot." It's a clot. Cerebral venous sinus thrombosis.


[User] Any hyper-coagulable state. Lupus?

[Assistant] I counter your lupus with Behcet's syndrome.


[User] No, he doesn't have any of the earlier symptoms � color blindness, abnormal visual fields or� We've been ignoring his eyes because he's blind.

[Assistant] Well, if he wasn't before, he would be by now. Confirm with an eye exam, start treatment with heparin for the clot. Interferon and steroids for the Behcet's.


[User] Ah, she finally fell asleep. I think she'll be fine in a couple of hours.

[Assistant] How do you know about handling a bad acid trip? Friends in your gardening club been experimenting again?


[User] And I've known Greg almost since he was born, you know. His father and I were like brothers. I was a Navy chaplain in those days. I left the service in the late '60s. I don't think his dad Ever forgave me for protesting the war. [He turns the page. There's a picture of young Thomas and Blythe at a protest rally.] Of course, if he knew I'd got Blythe involved!

[Assistant] You protested the war? When?


[User] Well we knew if we told you, you'd tell him, and he'd kill us both. He was a marine. It was the ultimate betrayal.

[Assistant] Penultimate.


[User] If we do that and he starts hemorrhaging, we won't be able to stop the bleeding.

[Assistant] If we don't do that, the next clot could cause a heart attack or a stroke. Park's way, he at least has a shot at living. CT his lungs to confirm, and up the dose.


[User] Practically walked in on us having sex. God, if I saw my mother doing that, I'd claw my own eyes out. Of course, she was nowhere near as attractive as you. Horribly fat, as a matter of fact.

[Assistant] Mother! Guy sleeping with my mother, this is Dominika, my wife.


[User] It's so nice to be meeting you. And Gregory tells me that you were born in Richmond, Virginia, and your father was a tailor who stole from his clients.

[Assistant] James has persuaded me of the value of openness and honesty in relationships.


[User] I'm sure that's exactly what disabled people want, to be treated like completely foreign entities, incapable of being Judged and understood. [looks at the monitor] Park was right about the clot. Hopefully the anticoagulants keep it from killing him.

[Assistant] So! she gets the couch on the odd nights, and I get the bed on Evens. In exchange for a federal felony, she gets a green card, and I get a live-in maid. [He smiles.]


[User] Thank you! Dad.

[Assistant] I'm grateful you approve. [He hunches his shoulders slightly as he steels himself for this next one] You should also know that I was not in Africa the last year.


[User] [nods] You were in jail. [House looks shocked.] I've been reading the Princeton police blotter Ever since you moved here. [Wilson's surprise turns to admiration as he realizes he underestimated Blythe.] And I'm afraid I haven't been truthful with you either. And I've wanted to tell you this for a very long time. Thomas and I! we got married two months after your father passed away.

[Assistant] [uninterested] Uh-huh.


[User] You understand, we didn't want you to think we were disrespecting the memory of your father.

[Assistant] And! is there another secret that you want to share with me?


[User] [looks fondly at Thomas] No.

[Assistant] There's nothing you think might be relevant to my life?


[User] Like! what?

[Assistant] I don't know. Just off the top of my head, something like I DNA-tested my dad and found that he was not my biological father � you are.


[User] [laughs] That's impossible.

[Assistant] People lie. Birthmarks don't.


[User] Look at him sitting there � a pill-popping sociopath! If you wanted to screw up his life, you couldn't have done it better.

[Assistant] He's got you there, mom.


[User] I can't deal with this anymore. He's my son? I'm having a bloody breath of fresh air, that's what I'm doing. [leaves]

[Assistant] So, who's for dessert?


[User] No, it couldn't. No evidence of viral markers in the necrotized tissue.

[Assistant] Let me see that image you took last night of the clot in his lung. [Taub turns a portable light box toward House and turns it on.] That's not a piece of the clot from his brain. That's the point of infection. Mucormycosis. He breathed in the spores, it's been growing and spreading Ever since.


[User] A fungal infection spreading this fast?

[Assistant] Kid's a diabetic. He already has a compromised immune system.


[User] He's right. This sample from his eyes is crawling with it.

[Assistant] Treat with amphotericin B.


[User] We treated him with gentamicin when we thought it was bacterial, which means the dose of amphotericin B we'll need to cure him will pRobably leave him deaf.

[Assistant] Sorry, I stopped listening after you said "the dose we'll need to cure him."


[User] Oh, hi. I'm here to apologize. I could have handled the news with more! aplomb? I have a son. That's great news.

[Assistant] What else did she tell you to say?


[User] You're not a lunatic, you're not a mistake.

[Assistant] I nEver liked your friend! my father.


[User] Well, he could be a bit intense at times.

[Assistant] But unlike you, I did respect him.


[User] You said y�

[Assistant] How long are you gonna wait until you tell me?


[User] I thought we already had the Santa Claus talk.

[Assistant] You don't think I saw you steal Thomas' fork from the restaurant?


[User] Why would I do that?

[Assistant] For his DNA.


[User] That's! that's! [gives up trying to bluff] very observant of you.

[Assistant] See, you're more me than you pretend. You had to know for sure. So you needed proof. The fact that you haven't told me can only mean!


[User] He isn't your father either. I'm sorry.

[Assistant] You know what that means.


[User] Your mom's a slut.

[Assistant] That! and! she's not as boring as I thought she was.


[User] There will be MPs stationed at Every entrance to the second floor, as well as outside his Patient room.

[Assistant] No. Don't do that. Every time there's people in uniform in the cafeteria, they get served first.


[User] Make sure your IDs are clearly visible. I'll speak with the cafeteria staff about showing more disrespect. 20 year-old male, generalized tonic-clonic seizures. Army Docs scanned for structural abnormalities. EEG was normal. So was�

[Assistant] Do you need me to sign for this?


[User] Typhus?

[Assistant] Patient has no hair. PRobably means no lice.


[User] No fEver. Why couldn't they take care of him at a military hospital?

[Assistant] I think because they wanted to annoy you. Any other conscientious objectors?


[User] So, I'm the only one who has a pRoblem when someone whose duty's to protect our country blowing�

[Assistant] Blowing the whistle is honorable precisely because it's not dutiful. Sorry, you said blowing. Maybe you were going somewhere else with that.


[User] He anonymously downloaded a computer file from a secure page and uploaded it to an unsecure page. Not exactly storming Omaha Beach. The EEG was normal because he was faking it to avoid going to prison.

[Assistant] Let's treat him with not medicine.


[User] (reaParkng for the pills) Give those back.

[Assistant] Why? You got 28. You can share.


[User] He's not contesting the treason charges. If his code of honor is that strong, he's not gonna bother faking symptoms.

[Assistant] (tossing the Tic Tacs onto the table) Pleading guilty is not honorable. It's just stupid.


[User] No pain when he swallows.

[Assistant] What is honor? Dying for your country? Getting straight As? Killing your daughter because she had the audacity to get raped?


[User] Pancreatitis. Gallstones obstructing his pancreatic duct.

[Assistant] (getting up and going to the minifridge) People define honor as whatEver makes them feel honorable. It's a circle going nowhere. Which I guess is what circles do.


[User] (holding out a paper to House) I need your signature on this order. The Army's leaning on Foreman to make sure this is done by the book.

[Assistant] Didn't need an order for his last treatment.


[User] This last treatment wasn't a treatment.

[Assistant] Forge it.


[User] House.

[Assistant] Shh. I'm with a Patient. Sleep study.


[User] (picking up a pill bottle and reading the label) You drugged him?

[Assistant] (looking at Wilson) I didn't say the study was voluntary.


[User] (putting his hands on his hips) I think you're sick.

[Assistant] What, 'cause I'm sleeping in the clinic like I always do?


[User] Slow reaction time.

[Assistant] Because I just woke up from sleeping in the clinic like I always do.


[User] You're forgetful.

[Assistant] Sorry. What did you say?


[User] You forgot that we were supposed to have lunch.

[Assistant] I didn't forget. I was sleeping, in the clinic�


[User] I'd like to run some tests.

[Assistant] For what? Where's this coming from?


[User] Hepatic encephalopathy. I've watched you destroy your body with Vicodin for years. I'm surprised your liver's lasted this long. I'll do the examination myself.

[Assistant] While having you juggle my jewels sounds interesting, there's no such thing as friends with benefits. It always gets weird.


[User] No, I don't.

[Assistant] You're forfeiting? 'Cause if you can't play the game and work!


[User] No history of anemia.

[Assistant] She's right. You're an idiot. Try again.


[User] Where I come from, this is called cheating.

[Assistant] Where's that? Stickford-upon-anus?


[User] PPD's negative. Could be bru�

[Assistant] Don't interrupt Dr. Taub.


[User] Brucellosis. (to House about the game they are playing) You just took out a family of four.

[Assistant] They were clearly armed insurgents, and anyone who claims or proves otherwise is a traitor. No rash or back pain.


[User] You defend the Patient for being a whistleblower, then attack him for being an honorable whistleblower. Now you defend him for being a maligned, honorable whistleblower?

[Assistant] Adjectives matter. Hate nurses, love naughty nurses. Taub, pitch again.


[User] I've pitched like five�

[Assistant] It's your turn.


[User] (referring to the game) Yes!

[Assistant] Taub, pitch again. Now.


[User] (talking fast) The nodules in his spleen were granulomas. He's got sarcoidosis!

[Assistant] Someone tell him he's wrong.


[User] (jumping up jubilantly) Yes! Yes!

[Assistant] (plopping down on the couch) Sarcoidosis it is. Treat with steroids. Then come right back here, 'cause I'm not gonna rest until I've made orphans of all your virtual Parkldren.


[User] The Patient was refusing treatment because of honor, and his brother is refusing to be his conservator because of honor.

[Assistant] Oh, good. Taub's cured the Patient.


[User] I had to go to the bathroom.

[Assistant] Bathroom's that way. You just ran in from that way.


[User] I'm not lying. It's out of order.

[Assistant] I beliEve you. I'm gonna fix it.


[User] What if we aerosolize steroids and blast the room?

[Assistant] Speaking of which! It'd be too hard to get the prednisone concentrations right. No one fixes anything unless they have a compelling reason. If we're gonna treat, we have to give him a compelling reason, something that he wants more than an interview. (loudly) Fire in the hole!


[User] It's completely cyanotic. This isn't sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] Cholesterol embolization.


[User] Are you Even gonna acknowledge what we just told you?

[Assistant] That you pilfered my poo-poo? Yeah, I was thinking, it would be less awkward for all of us if we could just pretend that nEver happened.


[User] It's not an embolization. No instrumentation inside the arteries.

[Assistant] Thank you for getting us back�


[User] And if we start you on treatment now, get you off Vicodin�

[Assistant] What's the opposite of "thank you"? I'm pretty sure it ends in "you". I know my body. I'm fine. Methemoglobinemia.


[User] If you're not sick, then our test, accurate 99.5% of the time, yielded a false positive, three separate times. The odds of that are in 1 in 8 million.

[Assistant] The test is accurate. The diagnosis isn't. Sample was obviously contaminated with other foods interacting with my liver enzymes. Now could we talk about the sick Patient?


[User] If we had a Patient file with the same symptoms you're exhibiting!

[Assistant] And the symptoms I'm not exhibiting? Jaundice, ascites, fetor hepaticus.


[User] You'd still diagnose hepatic encephalopathy. I know that because four doctors you trained have unanimously diagnosed you with hepatic encephalopathy.

[Assistant] Park's right. Treat the Patient with Heparin.


[User] And until we do, there's no reason to do anything more than what we've done.

[Assistant] Blurry vision! headache, a bit of nausea, and dizziness. I am com-pletely baffled.


[User] I only had eight beers. Sophomore class pong tournament's in a week. I'm working on my tolerance.

[Assistant] Hop on one foot and sing the iCarly theme song. Like you don't know it. Damn it, Man. Can't you see I'm doctoring? If you want to talk to me, you can buy me a sandwich in an hour.


[User] Or I could just hover here until you're done.

[Assistant] Heard enough. Just nEver could figure out the "breathe air" part. Next year, stick to whiskey. Or at least stay away from week-old green beers. A lot less likely to contain tartrazine-laced green food dyes for which you apparently have an intolerance. Once you break the seal, it'll be out of your system in 48 hours. What are my choices here? If I tell you I'm fine, you won't beliEve me.


[User] I've scheduled a liver function test.

[Assistant] If I ignore you, then you'll just ignore my ignoring. Which is rude, frankly.


[User] Depending on the results, we'll customize a treatment plan.

[Assistant] If I tell you I think I'm sick and I need your help and we need to set up a time to talk about it, you'll just assume I'm lying. Again, rude. Also hurtful.


[User] Why is it that you can find the smallest thing wrong with anyone else, but when it comes to you!

[Assistant] I really don't have a choice here, do I?


[User] No, you don't.

[Assistant] (to the MP) I'm on the list. (referring to Wilson) But he's not.


[User] You can't ignore me forEver.

[Assistant] Well, if you're right, that's not gonna be all that long. (to the MP who is searParkng him) Do it slow.


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] Well, considering the only people allowed in this room are your doctors and your family! I'm your long-lost cousin Ralph. So glad to finally meet you.


[User] Are you gonna check on me?

[Assistant] It's gonna be at least two hours until we can tell if the Heparin's working.


[User] Then what are you doing here?

[Assistant] You know, my father taught me that it's dishonorable to interrupt someone when they're reading.


[User] Honor's not a punch line. Get out of my room.

[Assistant] So was it worth it? (He puts the magazine back on the table) Best case, you spend the rest of your life in Leavenworth. Worst case, you spend the rest of your life here.


[User] Justice for 34 deaths outweighs anything the Army can do to me.

[Assistant] They got justice? Do they know that? What if only ten people had died? Four?


[User] Even one civilian death!

[Assistant] What if they just maimed a few guys? Would that have been worth it?


[User] My job was to log that tape, get all the details in the official record. After the tenth time of watParkng it, I stopped trying to convince myself that the shovel could have been mistaken for a gun. 'Cause all I could see were the victims' faces. All I was doing was trying to read that kid's lips to make out his last words. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. Think I like the cue ball look? My hair turned gray in three days. My body was telling me I had to do whatEver I could to make sure that something like this nEver happened again.

[Assistant] Your hair turned gray in three days. Loss of hair color indiCates an autoimmune condition, likely Grave's disease. Hyperthyroidism leads to a hypercoagulable state, which causes thrombosis. Start him on antithyroids.


[User] You want to reject our current diagnosis because he had a few gray hairs, panicked, and shaved his head?

[Assistant] I want to reject our current diagnosis because I think we're wrong. And treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death.


[User] Even if he did full go gray, stress seems way more likely than Grave's.

[Assistant] I haven't read any journal articles proving that veterans have a higher incidence of depigmentation. Of course, that could be the hepatic encephalopathy talking.


[User] Our treatment for Bernard Soulier hasn't had time�

[Assistant] So you all just want to ignore the new symptom?


[User] It's not Grave's because it's not a symptom at all. And the antithyroids you want could reduce his blood pressure and his ability to breathe. Which can result in side effects, like death.

[Assistant] (to the cashier) Small soda. Grave's it is. Start him on antithyroids.


[User] It's not Bernard Soulier.

[Assistant] Bold move. You've gone from speculating I'm sick, to acting like I'm dead.


[User] We acted like we don't trust your judgment, because we don't trust your judgment.

[Assistant] Why don't you start by not trusting your own.


[User] (to House) Talk to you for a minute?

[Assistant] Anything you have to say to me, you can say to them. It's only fair. Cause


[User] Until you receive a clean bill of health, I'll be authorizing all treatment orders.

[Assistant] Well, I would say that that was an incredibly stupid mistake but apparently I'd have to clear that opinion through Foreman first.


[User] Unlikely without pneumonia.

[Assistant] Taub. Loyalty issues in his personal life. Makes sense that they'd cross over into his professional one.


[User] I was hoping we can get a diagnosis before the witch hunt.

[Assistant] The Patient's infection is an inherently less interesting puzzle than the stab wound to my back.


[User] Patient isn't in enough pain.

[Assistant] No. I don't mean about dengue. I have no idea. Taub's only confessing because he wants us to focus on the Patient.


[User] I did.

[Assistant] The next person to confess is fired. Or Spartacus.


[User] For clarification, no one's getting fired. Who else has a pitch?

[Assistant] And then! there's Park. The only one who didn't confess. The same cowardice that makes someone unable to move out of mommy and daddy's home might also make someone a tattletale.


[User] You threatened to fire the next person who�

[Assistant] And it's malaria.


[User] No, it's not. The Army issues anti-malaria medication.

[Assistant] And has done for ten years. That's the equivalent of 5000 generations of the Afghan mosquito, anopheles gambiae. That's plenty long enough to dEvelop a resistance. Anopheles, by the way, is Greek for "useless."


[User] Cover for intra-abdominal sepsis and treat with antimalarials.

[Assistant] (to Foreman) And was I also right that it was a stupid idea?


[User] He couldn't have faked it. We tested your�

[Assistant] I took St. John's Wort to alter the way my liver metabolized acetaminophen. Then some n-acetylcysteine just to finish it off.


[User] You tortured them to torture me just to see who you could trust?

[Assistant] I did it to save lives. God, I wish I could rationalize that one.


[User] And now you're going to brilliantly deduce which one of us is the rat?

[Assistant] What makes you think I haven't already? To be continued. I need to brilliantly cure a Patient. No hair usually means no lice. What we didn't account for was that it wasn't your hair. Tea was not the only thing that your Afghani neighbors shared with you. I'm sure they were generous enough to let you sit on their furniture, which was infested with rat lice. You have typhus. Caused the vasculitis and explains all your other symptoms. But here's where it gets interesting. One of those symptoms, a Lawyer might argue, was leaking the tape. There are psyParkatric issues associated with typhus. If you change your mind, plead not guilty, you've got a case.


[User] It proves I still have my honor.

[Assistant] You're not doing this for honor. You're doing this to please your father. And the pathetic thing is that the Man you're trying to please nEver existed. Traitor. You've been avoiding me for two days. 'Cause, when I stranded you behind the barricades, you went straight to Foreman.


[User] I've been avoiding you because you're an ass.

[Assistant] I've been an ass my whole life, I can't get rid of you.


[User] You can get rid of me now. Just turn and limp away.

[Assistant] Huh. Your whiny righteousness has the stench of sincerity. Fine. I have to punish my whole team so that one of them will step forward.


[User] Makes sense.

[Assistant] (sighing) Damn. Now I'm gonna have to punish my whole team so that one of them will step forward.


[User] You just said that.

[Assistant] Yeah, but I meant it this time. First time I was just testing you. Either you were gonna genuinely confess or falsely confess or actually! His name's li'l Chase. He's a rat. You're a rat. Get it? Taub confessed to telling Foreman to protect the Patient. Adams confessed to protect Taub. But your confession was just piling on. There's no rational reason for you to have done it.


[User] And my punishment will be nothing. You wanted me to tell Foreman. Your ability to solve puzzles is the only thing that matters to you. And you're smart enough to know Even you'll lose your edge at some point. You want to make sure someone's there when you do.

[Assistant] If that were true, why are li'l Chase's li'l cousins scurrying through your apartment's floorboards right now?


[User] Get a trainer over here!

[Assistant] Capacity crowd is on its feet. Five seconds on the clock. Ah. How is it possible for one Man to be blessed with so much skill? Ahhh. [The imaginary crowd roars]


[User] I had one just like this, except it was Bruins and the Habs. Where did you get it?

[Assistant] [distributing copies of the Patient file] Birthday present for someone in pediatric oncology. 22-year-old enforcer with hemoptysis.


[User] He's a hockey player?

[Assistant] No, he's a superhero.


[User] He's coughing up blood because he pRobably broke a rib and punctured a lung while breaking someone else's rib and puncturing their lung in the name of sport.

[Assistant] Nice conclusion to which the E.R. already jumped 18 hours ago. [he shoots] Short Man equals bullied Parkld.


[User] Then he took an elbow to the gut, which caused an esophageal tear.

[Assistant] Chase, CT the Patient. Check for sarcoid. [He tosses Chase one of the hockey players from the game.] Adams, sputum cultures and serologies for psittacosis. Taub! I'd tell you why I think your theory is not just wrong but ill-conceived, but it's more fun to prove it by having you check the stool for blood. And while we wait for the stool fairy, I'm a Man down, so you want to drop your pants and hit the ice.


[User] No, I prEvent them. I take the hit so the smaller guys don't have to. I thought you'd appreciate that.

[Assistant] Neighbor's baby again?


[User] I could hear it through earplugs, two pillows, and three sleeping pills.

[Assistant] Hmm.


[User] [exasperated] What is wrong with you?

[Assistant] I just said, "hmm."


[User] You're trying to figure out some deeper significance to my having a couple of crappy nights.

[Assistant] Which one of us is analyzing the word "hmm" here?


[User] [waves House off] Fine. Sorry.

[Assistant] Apology accepted. HowEver!


[User] Mm.

[Assistant] It's not the crying that's keeping you awake. The sound of a needy Parkld is stirring your paternal juices.


[User] The sound of a needy Parkld at 112 decibels has stirred my inner murderer. Don't mess with me.

[Assistant] Explain the stains on your shirt. You're lactating. The fact that you're the only fruit on your family tree is getting to you.


[User] It's not a big deal. So I'll pRobably nEver be a dad. It's"�it sucks. I'll lose a little sleep, but�

[Assistant] You're not supposed to feel bad when you dodge a bullet. It's like you got survivor's guilt.


[User] There are actually things in this world that give life Even more meaning than soap operas and monster trucks. And we happen to be missing out on at least one of them.

[Assistant] Remember the falconer?


[User] Beth?

[Assistant] You dated two falconers? Yes, Beth. The night the two of you split up, you came around to my place, wallowing in self-pity and tequila. You passed out. She called that night, asked me to give you a message. She said she was pregnant! Which, God and Planned Parenthood willing, means you are the father of an 11-year-old. [Long pause as Wilson takes in this information.] I told you the next morning! hypothetically. I asked you how you'd feel if Beth had gotten pregnant, and you said, and I quote, "It would be the worst mistake of my life."


[User] And! scene. Two perforMances Sunday, dark Mondays?

[Assistant] Just as well.


[User] No, because she doesn't have an agenda.

[Assistant] [to Adams] Well, that was incredibly unprofessional. Well, it was really Taub's fault. [Taub stops smirking] If you're not prepared to slam her into the boards, she's got no reason not to go after you. Might I suggest pulling her jersey over her head first?


[User] Alcoholism. We should search his home and locker room.

[Assistant] Note that the person who wants to search the home didn't sleep in one last night. You have the imprint of a seatbelt buckle in your cheek.


[User] I got in a fight with my mother.

[Assistant] She hit you with a seatbelt?


[User] That's a good fit, if you ignore the fact that he's a pro athlete who looks like the Incredible Hulk, which means he's gotta be on steroids, which is a better fit.

[Assistant] All we really know for sure is it was his evil job that caused the pRoblems.


[User] Yes, I don't like him. Doesn't mean my judgment's affected.

[Assistant] Maybe. Let's take a look at the instant replay. [He turns the computer around and plays a video of Szabo checking Wallace.] This is the hit that precipitated Booby Orr's fight. Dirty or clean?


[User] We have a difference of opinion. That's all.

[Assistant] Absolutely. Maybe she's as biased as you. Or maybe the entire league is. [He hands Taub a document.] After review, the league disciplinary commissioner ruled the hit illegal and dangerous and suspended the player for three games. Adams and Taub, run antibody titers for lepto. Chase and Park, check out the home, the locker room for booze, steroids, and Taub's objectivity.


[User] Scrip for glanciclovir. If his neighbor has mono, could mean he has mono. If he has mono, explains his spleen and hemoptysis. And it's caused by Epstein-Barr virus, which explains his liver. And my moonroof leaks. Thank you.

[Assistant] Why don't we just assume that you're not the dad? [Wilson takes out his phone and shows House a picture. House studies it for a moment.] Either you're the dad, or she cheated on you with your dad.


[User] Oh! Sand art. I used to love this.

[Assistant] He's bitter, not mentally handicapped. Who knows what Beth told him about you? At worst, you're a rapist. At best, you're a rapist.


[User] Maybe she said I was a dead war hero.

[Assistant] Raised by a lunatic mother and abandoned by his father. Oh, I know! Squirrel handcuffs. You think he's gotten any of those?


[User] If you really wanted me to do nothing with this information, then why did you give it to me?

[Assistant] Because you were pining for a kid, and you deserved to know that you already had one. But your parental cravings are more theoretical than applied. You want vicarious immortality more than you want a lifelong burden.


[User] You're assuming he's going to be a nightmare. What if he's a good kid?

[Assistant] He's a kid. Best you can hope for is he's a nightmare.


[User] Aside from the guy in the book depository, the Kennedys had a lovely trip to Dallas. Repetitive blows to the head can cause chronic traumatic encephalopathy, symptoms of which are aggressive behavior and depression.

[Assistant] So your theory is that his aggressive behavior caused his aggressive behavior. He's not depressed. He's just bummed because he knows he's a talentless moron who's only one lost fight away from being a barista. I understand that can get to a guy after a while.


[User] If he quits being an enforcer, it could save his life.

[Assistant] You don't want to save his life. [joining them] You want to kill his career.


[User] I moved into Chase's apartment. [Chase looks up.] He knows. He was staring at our matParkng cups. I told you we should split up. We're not having sex. With each other!

[Assistant] Yet.


[User] But an MRI of his brain could rEveal white matter disintegrity, which is the effect of CTE.

[Assistant] Why? Are you trying to sleep with her? 'Cause the simpler technique is just to ask.


[User] I was doing something nice.

[Assistant] Mm, no. Th� mm. No, that doesn't fit.


[User] Three reported concussions. These guys are taught in high school how to dupe the tests.

[Assistant] Guilt?


[User] It's not guilt. Park is a friend.

[Assistant] So it's guilt. Chase convinced you to leave mommy, and now he feels responsible. No MRI. Do a psych eval. If he doesn't start weeping again, send him home.


[User] That's a density. I know you think I'm convincing myself, but this brain has been hammered for years, meaning evidence may be subtle, but it's there.

[Assistant] [voice] Meaning you see what you want to see. [Taub turns on another monitor. House is getting the MRI.] Unless, of course, Chase is an idiot, and I do have brain damage.


[User] Patient's stroking out.

[Assistant] Chase? Can you get me out of� Ohh! Hello? The good news is, it's isolated ophthalmoplegia, which means you didn't have a stroke. [House replaces the eye patch.] Bad news is, Taub was right. You're still sick. [to Taub] I said "right," not "competent." Bursts your CTE bubble. You're going to need a whole new theory to keep Uncle Jesse and his Olsen twins on the bench.


[User] And he's been on the road since he was 14.

[Assistant] So he was trash Even before he was trash? You curious about what he wanted?


[User] I assume he wanted me off the case, and you told him I was hit in the head as a Parkld, and your mother made you promise to take care of me.

[Assistant] He was doing what he always does � sticking up for the little guy. He told me to apologize to you, or he would! excrete down my throat. I'm paraphrasing. [Taub looks puzzled.] So if he should ask, I was a gentleMan, or I will excrete down your throat.


[User] MPA can progress quickly. We may not have time before it reaches his lungs.

[Assistant] I think you're right. Thus confirming my objectivity. Start the treatment. Miserable yet?


[User] He's polite, well-adjusted and a straight-A student.

[Assistant] Which means he doesn't need you. So why don't you get out while the butterfly effect is still in the cocoon stage?


[User] I'm making him dinner.

[Assistant] You don't make an 11-year-old dinner. You give him a jar of peanut butter.


[User] It'll be fine. I could give this kid a quinoa salad, and he would eat it just to be nice.

[Assistant] 'Cause he's a gutless plaCater, just like his dad.


[User] He's nice.

[Assistant] This is a terrible idea.


[User] Because we like each other?

[Assistant] Yes. 'Cause of the statement "we like each other." You've known him 25 minutes. All you know about him is that he'd lie about a quinoa salad, whatEver the hell that is.


[User] Lyme disease could cause paralysis. If he was hunting, he'd be exposed to ticks.

[Assistant] No target rash or cardiac involvement. [to Chase] Roomies with benefits keeping you up?


[User] Cribbage. I played with Park's Popo.

[Assistant] Is that two separate Events?


[User] Sensory involvement rules out ALS.

[Assistant] Okay, yeah. Now this is interesting. We'll get back to the Patient in a second. Your issue is the same as Wilson's, except! you're haunted by the pitter-patter of tiny skanks. You don't feel guilty about getting Park thrown out of her home. You feel guilty about all the women that you've screwed over. My mother needs 1,000 bucks for snow tires.


[User] Paralysis has gone from his face to his arms, meaning it's descending, which is the hallmark of botulism.

[Assistant] So it was something he ate. How innocuous. You've overcome your bias by rEversing it. The only pRoblem is that being in love with a Patient is just as judgmental as being in hate. We didn't find any contaminated�


[User] The antitoxin could cause anaphylaxis. We need to test first to confirm.

[Assistant] As if to prove my point, last time you said there wasn't enough time to test prior to a more dangerous treatment.


[User] It's a different situation, different symptom, different diagnosis.

[Assistant] Different emotion. Give him the antitoxin.


[User] I could give you crap for making me wait 11 years, but instead I'm going to thank you for not making me wait another 11.

[Assistant] Every little girl wants a pony till they have to clean up after it.


[User] You think I'm going to quit on this? On an 11-year-old?

[Assistant] The only relationship you haven't quit on has been with me.


[User] Hmm. A needy, truculent narcissist. I think it's been perfect training for parenthood.

[Assistant] [stares at him, serious] That's not Even close. This is the rest of your life. You screw this up, you don't get to run away. You get to ruin both your lives. This is a bigger responsibility than any you've Ever taken on and screwed up.


[User] He's completely paralyzed, and he tested negative for botulism.

[Assistant] I am now accepting long shots.


[User] The test for Prions is a brain biopsy. Given his history, there's got to be brain swelling. We can't risk drilling into his skull.

[Assistant] Pretty sure we can.


[User] We also could keep talking until we can find an answer we all can agree on.

[Assistant] All of us? Those who love him, those who hate him, those who don't give a crap about him or you�


[User] Or I could just discuss it on my own with Foreman.

[Assistant] He's not your friend.


[User] I get it. He's a Patient. I'm not�

[Assistant] He nEver had your back. He didn't insist that I apologize to you. He asked me to take you off the case. [Taub takes in this information.] Biopsy his brain.


[User] Take me off the case. I've obviously completely lost my objectivity. I'm not helping, I'm not Even neutral.

[Assistant] Agreed. So why shouldn't I take you off all my cases?


[User] Because you were right. I hate bullies.

[Assistant] You work for me.


[User] You're not a bully.

[Assistant] Pretty sure I am, dickwad.


[User] I've known a lot of bullies � people who didn't like me because I'm short, people who didn't like me because I'm Jewish�

[Assistant] Yeah, I get it. There's a long list of reasons not to like you.


[User] You relentlessly mock, but it's not for self-aggrandizement. It's because ideas are bigger than feelings. At least that's what I choose to beliEve. I also thought you had the side effect of desensitizing me.

[Assistant] You little Hebe. Here's some ideas for you. You screwed up. You kept on screwing up. Everything you said is true, except! it doesn't mean you walk away. You just learn to trust nothing. Everything you think you feel, Everything you think you know. Question Every call, play through Every whistle.


[User] I just had a light bulb. Maybe.

[Assistant] You can trust light bulbs.


[User] Stop. It's not prions. Epstein-Barr gave him mono. It also gave him Miller Fisher syndrome. The plasmapheresis played through the whistle. We gave it to him for MPA, but when he got worse, we took him off. When he got better, we thought it was the antitoxin. But it was actually the plasmapheresis still working. We had the right treatment, just the wrong diagnosis.

[Assistant] It was my metaphor that solved the case. Put him back on plasmapheresis. He'll be fine. Nice save. Didn't quite make up for being a siEve the rest of the game. Ex-girlfriend's baby again?


[User] His mother is moving to Costa Rica. He asked if he could move in with me. [mirthless chuckle] And I said yes.

[Assistant] Well, it's only six or sEven years. Unless he can't get into college, in which case, it's more a matter of your life expectancy.


[User] I said yes, knowing I'm not remotely ready for that, knowing he's not ready to be separated from his mother. This isn't the act of a mature, rational adult. I-I can't do this, House. You were right.

[Assistant] I have an idea! that can make this entire pRoblem go away.


[User] Yes, I really want to hear your clEver late-term abortion joke. You were right about Everything. This is life. It's real. It doesn't just go away.

[Assistant] None of that is true.


[User] [proudly] Five commercials and a recurring on Days of Our Lives.

[Assistant] You were regretting not having kids, so I gave you one! thereby rendering you regret-free. It's a priceless gift.


[User] Get out.

[Assistant] Well, it's not priceless 'cause he charges SAG minimum.


[User] Parkllax, Dad.

[Assistant] Can you do an Australian accent?


[User] The Woman that I called � that was really Beth?

[Assistant] Found her on Facebook.


[User] How much did she charge?

[Assistant] Nothing. She's still pissed at you. Pass the bacon.


[User] I thought you liked prosciutto.

[Assistant] Nobody likes prosciutto.


[User] Oh!

[Assistant] 35-year-old male cries blood, and he's not vampire Bill. Go!


[User] Nope! [He is the only one to turn around and start reading the file.]

[Assistant] What, her? [A red-haired voluptuous Woman holds a cup and walks to House to give it to him.] Yeah, my favorite companion is retiring from "companning." So I'm interviewing replacements. Thank you! Butterscotch. Is that a family name? [She stands beside him and waits. In the hallway, there is a lineup of similar women waiting.]


[User] How long are you gonna be using the office for sex games? Just so I can plan my day.

[Assistant] Sex and work? I'm not a savage. [He takes a sip of what is in the cup. He seems surprised.] I asked for a cappuccino.


[User] That's what this is.

[Assistant] No, cappuccinos got a nice, stiff foam on it. This is wetter than! oh! almost slipped there. Well, thank you, Ms. Scotch, but poor foaming's a deal breaker. Could you ask the next candidate to come in? [She exits. House is looking at his notes and some "resumes"� and waits for the next one to come in.]


[User] Lymphocytosis? ALC's in normal range, but it's in the high end of normal.

[Assistant] Take a seat, Fawn. And tell me, what's your favorite Woody Allen movie? [The team stares at House and the Woman.]


[User] You're interviewing hookers but not gonna talk to them about sex?

[Assistant] Sex is a given. They're hookers. [He takes notes.] Defend your choice.


[User] Could also be cavernous sinus thrombosis. Clot builds up pressure at the base of the brain.

[Assistant] Rerun the Patient's blood panel and get a CT venogram of his head. Let's see which one of you is right. [The team leaves and House turns to the next applicant.] How are you with small appliance repair?


[User] I'll break your face.

[Assistant] This is the talent portion of the interview.


[User] Okay. You like cards. But you can juggle. I fail to see how this would be of benefit to you.

[Assistant] What if I'm busy? [He turns to the hooker behind him.] Have you got anything else?


[User] CT showed no clots or malformations. Park and Taub ruled out lymphocytosis and diabetes.

[Assistant] Well, since you have nothing of relevance to report, I assume that you're here to toss your panties in the ring.


[User] I think he's a junkie. The girlfriend is a fix. The guy's inhaling glue.

[Assistant] Can you repair a blender?


[User] This one works in financial district. She can get tips, give you leg up in market. What is "fudgey Gonzalez"?

[Assistant] Uh, imagine a "vanilla Gonzalez," but from the other side. I'm about to make a decision, but there's still time for you to sneak under the wire.


[User] You don't have sex with your cat or Teddy bear.

[Assistant] If you did, you'd pRobably talk to them more. Guy loves an imaginary being who's nEver going to respond to him. He's no crazier than millions of churchgoers.


[User] It's sad.

[Assistant] You do understand the irony here? Every person in this room has a sex doll. At least the Patient has the stones to be honest about it.


[User] Ooh, a metaphor. What you didn't foresee is that is that I actually do have a sex doll.

[Assistant] Your doll is your kids. Yours is your parents, yours is your charity. All excuses for not being in a relationship.


[User] My dating is getting in the way of my dating?

[Assistant] You don't go looking for the right person. You just shack up with whoEver's in the room, and then you get surprised and/or divorced when it doesn't work out. I'm surprised you haven't asked Adams out yet. You'll bail.


[User] He's right. The obvious solution is for me to hand my kids over to your parents.

[Assistant] Can we stop trying to argue the premise and move onto figuring out why it is that you're all social morons?


[User] You do understand the irony here. You mocking us for avoiding relationships, but you can't handle losing your "doll." You're spending all this time and energy interviewing for a new one.

[Assistant] You're right. That is stupid. [He gets up to leave.]


[User] What about the Patient?

[Assistant] Dude's banging a sex doll. A festering cesspool of bodily fluids and associated bacteria. Swab her out and find out which one. [He leaves the office.] I need you. Please don't quit. You're the only hooker I know who can tune a piano. If it's about the money, then I can up you to three nights a week.


[User] He knows. We've talked about it, and he accepts me for who I am.

[Assistant] No. He! If he accepted who you were, he would not be making you give up your career. Women need their own identities, their own livelihoods. Otherwise, why was I smoking all those Virginia Slims?


[User] We can explain that the same way we explain the tooth fairy.

[Assistant] Oh, I get to play Solomon. Cut the doll open.


[User] We can't just destroy the Patient's property. That thing cost 7 grand.

[Assistant] Exactly. Ask him for consent. If he says yes, then we get to go hunting bacteria. If he says no, there's no need because he's crazy, and we need a different theory. See ya. Gotta go build a temple.


[User] You are a horrible person.

[Assistant] All I need is to break up one marriage. You've broken up three of your own. You're like the Stephen Hawking of killing relationships. Actually, no, Stephen Hawking is the Stephen Hawking of�


[User] Okay. I have work to do. [He turns to his laptop and starts typing on the keyboard.]

[Assistant] Your computer is off.


[User] Sorry, I can't hear you over my "stereo."

[Assistant] Why do you assume that marriage is better than hooking? We don't know anything about the guy. He could be a serial killer.


[User] I threw in some stitches, too. Just wanted to make her look her best. Do you want me to put her in her chair? [Suddenly, Henry falls down, in pain, he seems to be unable to breathe.] Henry? [to the nurses] Call a code!

[Assistant] You looking at the apartment with those or the transit of Mercury?


[User] If night comes, you'll be thanking me. [pointing outside] They're seeking heat.

[Assistant] He's an accountant. How late do you think he's going to party?


[User] I bought jar to pee in.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] Say "mushroom," charge $2. Say "truffle," charge $5. Is that the Man who wants to marry hooker? [A Black Man walks down the stairs in front of the building.]

[Assistant] PRobably. But he's not the one we're after. [He is still holding the phone to his ear but not really paying attention to it.]


[User] Nope.

[Assistant] Oh! How rude of me not to situate you. I'm doing Emily a favor. We're going to track her fianc� until Dominika can seduce and expose him as the lying cheater I need him to be.


[User] I'm guessing she didn't ask for this favor.

[Assistant] Oh, you know, the noblest gifts are the ones we give anonymously.


[User] Crackles are nonspecific. Hypoxia plus bleeding could indiCate D.I.C. or some other�

[Assistant] No neurological symptoms? I knew your bleeding heart would bring you around. Too bad it's also taking you off the market. And by market, I mean Chase. Come on, buck up, Chase. There's always Park. Unless! How did band practice go?


[User] Great.

[Assistant] Does she look like she's lying?


[User] Popo needed a ride to the doctor, and my mom couldn't, so�

[Assistant] You're terrified of dating because! a previous relationship ended because your latent rage made you vicious in arguments. Or�


[User] Or reincarnation. In a past life, she was Anne Boleyn.

[Assistant] Interesting. Taub feels confident enough to turn the spotlight on himself. It's almost as if he wants me to ask! what's her name?


[User] Wendy Jacobson. 33, Brown grad, family therapist.

[Assistant] Nice choice. Since you got two families to "therapize."


[User] First date we didn't discuss Everything important�

[Assistant] So it was just a one-night stand.


[User] You're wrong. I actually like her. I'm going to see her again.

[Assistant] Mazel tov. Great relationships often start with snap decisions aimed at proving me wrong.


[User] Air bubble in the doll could mean the silicone is degrading. If he hailed some particles!

[Assistant] Silicone deposition. That could work. Start him on plasmapheresis. Now, turning to Adams, my theory is tripartite� Want to hear my thesis? It's kind of interesting.


[User] Serologies were negative.

[Assistant] Yeah, if you want Adams to hear, you might want to not stand so conspicuously far away.