[User] Heart rate's in the 40s, bradycardia, we're losing him!

[Assistant] Hold him down!


[User] Give him something!

[Assistant] No pain killers!


[User] You were wrong! [House doesn't listen, but grabs a syringe and sticks the needle into Mark's bladder, pulling out the urine sample.]

[Assistant] Straight from the bladder, that's as fresh as it gets. Will you give him the Ativan already? He doesn't need to be awake for this.


[User] It's still yellow.

[Assistant] [grabbing a lamp] Move.


[User] You think another light's gonna make the difference?

[Assistant] Organic chem.. More lights, more oxidation. Ring any bells? [The sample turns black.] Start the Patient on 150 milligrams glucose, 75 milligrams hematin. [The three younger doctors leave, leaving House alone to breathe.]


[User] Dr. House? How's he doing?

[Assistant] [looking in again] NEver better.


[User] You fixed him.

[Assistant] De nada.


[User] Thank you. You were right.

[Assistant] He's gonna be fine.


[User] No, about me. I'm not over you. You were, you were the one, you always will be. But I can't be with you.

[Assistant] So I'm the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can nEver be the guy.


[User] What's so great about you, you always think you're right. What's so frustrating about you is you are right so much of the time. You are brilliant, funny, surprising, sexy! but with you I was lonely, and with Mark there's room for me.

[Assistant] Okay. [Stacy kisses him on the cheek, then leaves.]


[User] I want to run something by you.

[Assistant] [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need "�


[User] Stacy's husband is going to need close monitoring at the hospital. And since we can definitely use her back here, I've offered her a job. General Counsel.

[Assistant] Did she say yes?


[User] She said only if it was okay with you. [House starts to walk off as The Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want"� plays ironically in the background.] Yes or no?

[Assistant] Fine. Good.


[User] You can't go in there.

[Assistant] Who are you, and why are you wearing a tie?


[User] I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?

[Assistant] Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.


[User] I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.

[Assistant] Hmm. I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well, I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word "ka-Parkng"� mean anything to you? I'm going in now. [House enters.]


[User] Dr. House, we are in the middle of a meeting.

[Assistant] What's with hiring a male secretary? JDate not working out?


[User] He is cute. Be careful.

[Assistant] She's not like you. She can't just walk into a bar and pick up her soul mate in twenty minutes.


[User] I met Mark at a fundraiser that happened to be held at a "�

[Assistant] You met me at a strip club.


[User] If you have a pRoblem working with Stacy you should have said so.

[Assistant] What was I supposed to do? Ask her to leave? That's just rude. Death row guy. I want the case.


[User] How do you Even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.

[Assistant] No, but "partypants"� does.


[User] You stole my password?

[Assistant] Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.


[User] Well, I have already assigned Death Row Guy to Dr. Nolo.

[Assistant] Nolo? Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, but! especially a useless drunk!


[User] You are addicted to pain pills.

[Assistant] But I'm not useless. Tell Nolo I'm talking over.


[User] Dr. Nolo is a board certified cardiologist.

[Assistant] Oh, good. I'm sure he'll explore all the usual options for why a guy's heart starts beating so fast it pumps out air instead of blood. Wait a second "� there are no usual options!


[User] How badly do you want this?

[Assistant] I will give you two more clinic hours this week.


[User] Just the heart, or the Patient have any other complaints?

[Assistant] The Patient's not talking to anybody.


[User] Where are we going?

[Assistant] You are going to the clinic for two hours.


[User] Me? Why?

[Assistant] Talk to Cuddy. She's got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences unit, I don't know.


[User] Aren't there better ways to spend our time?

[Assistant] Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a Man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a Man who kills his wife?


[User] Uh! yeah. Actually, he is.

[Assistant] What about a Parkld molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back. [House leaves the hospital. Chase and Foreman exit the lobby, which leaves Cameron to do the clinic hours.]


[User] Your Patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards!

[Assistant] Relax, I've got a great bedside Manner.


[User] Too dangerous to House him in the infirmary. You don't have to worry, we've taken Every precaution. I've had my men clear from the cell all pens, paperclips and staplers. Any supplies that might be used as a weapon. [We see Clarence, shackled to a cot in a room full of office supplies.] Open her up! For your visit, we've got him cuffed and shackled.

[Assistant] And yet, you're staying out there.


[User] All she has is a cough.

[Assistant] Bluish tinge to the fingernails, lips! he's hypoxic.


[User] What's that mean?

[Assistant] It means he's not getting enough oxygen. You know how people say you can't live without love? Well, oxygen's Even more important. He's got fluid in his lungs, breathing rate of 50! he needs to be intubated and put on a respirator.


[User] Don't have a respirator.

[Assistant] Better get one in about an hour, or you're gonna lose him.


[User] I'll make out a requisition. The state's already sentenced this Man to die.

[Assistant] [flipping open his cell phone] I think the state was a tad more specific about "how"�. [on the phone] This is Dr. Gregory House. I need an ambulance to pick-up at Mercer State Prison.


[User] Wasted call, my men will stop them at the gate. No way a Death Row inmate leaves my prison, at least not through the front doors.

[Assistant] You work fast.


[User] So do you.

[Assistant] Was that a shot?


[User] Yeah. It was easy once I convinced the clerk to take it to Judge Markem, she's a sucker for Eighth Amendment arguments.

[Assistant] Stop, I'm getting turned on.


[User] House!

[Assistant] [in his best Scooby-Doo imitation] Ruh-row!


[User] It was just a consult! You expect us to shut down an entire floor for this guy?!

[Assistant] Did you do something to your hair?


[User] You said you cleared with her "�

[Assistant] Come on. You've known me how long and you still don't know when I'm joshin' ya?


[User] Take him back to prison. Now.

[Assistant] No, can't. See, ironically I'm bound by this court order which your ace attorney got. I have to make him all better before shipping him back for the state to kill him. Is it just me, or is that weird? Anyway, we're walking. Somebody left this on my chair. It's clEver. Forces me to either deal with the file or nEver sit down again.


[User] Cindy Kramer. I told her you'd see her.

[Assistant] You shouldn't have told her that. She's got metastatic squamous cell lung cancer, six months, tops.


[User] Have you Even looked at the x-ray?

[Assistant] No, just guessing. It's a new game. If I'm wrong, she gets a stuffed bear.


[User] A spot on a x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal.

[Assistant] I love Parkldren. So filled with hope.


[User] It could be pneumonia. It could be sarcodosis.

[Assistant] Could be, if she didn't already have swollen hilar lymph nodes on the other lung.


[User] Could we at least brainstorm for other ideas? [He takes the x-ray and puts it up on the light board.] Thank you. [He begins to write on the board.] I still think it could be pneumonia and sarcodosis, but we should check for tuberculosis and definitely rule out congestive heart failure. [She looks to see that House has written "denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance"� on the board.] The five stages of dying.

[Assistant] Exactly. Personally, I think it's all just new-age crap, but from your tear-filled, puppy-dog eyes I think I've made my point. Now go tell Cindy WhatEver-her-name-is that she's dying. [He walks into Diagnostics, where Chase and Foreman are sitting.] Tachycardia, pulmonary edema, likely suspects?


[User] [following him in] The Death Row guy? That's who you're working on instead of Cindy?

[Assistant] God, I've got to learn not to beat around the bush. By dying, I meant no matter what we do. Very, very soon she is going to be dead. Is it still to subtle?


[User] I took an oath to do no harm.

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it's not like they make you sign it or anything.


[User] We cure your Patient, he goes back to Death Row. He goes back to Death Row, they kill him!

[Assistant] He stays here and we don't treat him, he dies, and I still don't treat Cindy Lou-Who.


[User] Can we get on with this?

[Assistant] Yeah, I knew I could count on your help for your homie.


[User] [sarcastically] Exactly, I'm black. I sympathize for guys who grew up in the city kept down by the Man. [Chase smirks.]

[Assistant] Makes sense to me.


[User] Are you serious?

[Assistant] The Man knows prisons. When we've got a yachting question, we'll come to you. Okay, drugs it is. Test his hair, blood, urine, the works. [Chase and Foreman get up, Cameron still has her angry face on. House makes an "after you"� motion with his hand.]


[User] Water! water.

[Assistant] What's the differential for being thirsty?


[User] Blood and urine tests came back clean, no sign of opiates in his system. [Cameron grabs a marker and is about to write on the board, when! ]

[Assistant] Don't do that.


[User] What, you have some House theory explaining heroin use despite a negative test?

[Assistant] Nope. Only I get to write on the board. [I'll just take this moment to say that I love that the board is titled "Dead Man Dying"�. All right, go on.] So it's not drugs. What else can cause the heart to do wind sprints? You got the blood work back, any "� [Stacy walks into his office and looks at him through the wall] "� thing out of the ordinary?


[User] His bi-carb is low.

[Assistant] Yeah, but which column? Could be the result of the tachycardia, could be the cause?


[User] It's the cause.

[Assistant] Why, because you want it to be? Let's see how well that works with your other Patient.


[User] We're just talking seMantics here. We should put him on a bi-carb drip and send him back.

[Assistant] Right, buff his numbers. Don't bother trying to figure out the underlying cause. I thought you cared about Patients.


[User] Our job isn't to make sure he can bounce his grandkids on his lap, our job is to get him healthy enough to go back to Death Row.

[Assistant] [closing the blinds so he can't see Stacy] Our job is to diagnose him. What? Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight, it doesn't mean we stop loving you. Now, go outside and play. Get Daddy some smokes and an arterial blood gas test. [They all exit. As House leaves, he nearly runs into Stacy, who does not look amused.] Wow. That was impressive. Okay, what number am I thinking of?


[User] Were you trying to get me fired? If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so?

[Assistant] I just don't want you working right here, in my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a big hospital.


[User] I'm a Lawyer. You're a jerk. There's gonna to be some overlap.

[Assistant] God, I hope that was a euphemism.


[User] Cuddy just reamed me.

[Assistant] I hope that one means what I think it means.


[User] For trusting you! She figured when she hired me she'd at least have someone you couldn't walk all over.

[Assistant] The number was six, by the way.


[User] I need to know, can I trust you?

[Assistant] If I hadn't lied to you about Cuddy's approval, my Patient would be dead.


[User] Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28 and decreased HCO3.

[Assistant] Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb, and less significantly, we have a new symptom. Anion gap acidosis. Who's chubby? Come on, pretend he loves puppies. Pretend he's a huMan being. What've you got?


[User] What if Clarence thought he was taking heroin, but it was something else?

[Assistant] What "something else"� could lead to anion gap acidosis?


[User] Mudpiles.

[Assistant] Well, you don't have to ask. Just wash your hands before you come back.


[User] Methanol, uremia, diabetes!

[Assistant] Oh, it's a mnemonic. That makes sense, too.


[User] Paraldehyde, INH, lactic acid "�

[Assistant] Rewind.


[User] INH?

[Assistant] Yahtzee!


[User] Nearly a quarter of the prison population is infected with TB.

[Assistant] ClEver entrepreneur like Foreman here, chops up his meds, passes it off as heroin.


[User] INH poisoning would explain all the symptoms.

[Assistant] Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence's secret stash? [No one looks too thrilled.]


[User] Fine, I'll do it.

[Assistant] Great, Chase it is.


[User] I assume you have a reason beyond wanting to make me completely miserable?

[Assistant] You've got a prettier mouth. Better chance the inmates will open up to you.


[User] The Man's in a coma.

[Assistant] He didn't mind. I asked.


[User] You're getting crumbs all over him.

[Assistant] Why do you think they put TVs in coma Patients' rooms, anyway?


[User] Some people think they can still hear.

[Assistant] So leave them a radio. His eyes are closed; who thinks they can see? [Wilson sits on the opposite side of the bed.]


[User] Do you know why people are nice to other people?

[Assistant] Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, you'll be mean to me. Mutually assured destruction.


[User] Exactly. You're gonna eat these Parkps? [He reaches for them, but House grabs them away.]

[Assistant] You gonna get to your point?


[User] You need people to like you.

[Assistant] I don't care if people like me.


[User] !Yes. But you need people to like you because you need people. Unless you think you can get the next court order yourself. If Stacy can't trust you, you can't use her. [House hands over the Parkp bag.] And that's not Even dealing with the greater agenda "� [House takes the bag back before Wilson can have any] of getting her to dump her husband and fall in love with you all over again.

[Assistant] Look I know you're friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, Man. [He sticks his fist out, but his pager beeps. After looking at it -- ] Crap.


[User] What is it?

[Assistant] Death Row guy is dying.


[User] Bradycardia. His heart rate's dropped to 30, it's not going to hold that much longer.

[Assistant] Are you just waiting to call time of death, or are you gonna give him atropine?


[User] Temporary fix?

[Assistant] Right. Don't know why those diabetics are all hung up on insulin. They're just gonna have to have to take more. [He starts to push the Atropine into the IV.]


[User] Atropine's only gonna buy you a few hours! We don't Even know what's wrong with him "�

[Assistant] Just get out of here. [Foreman leaves as Clarence's heart rate starts to climb.]


[User] [on cell] This is Chase.

[Assistant] [from the hospital desk near Diagnostics] Did you beat any confessions out of anybody?


[User] I haven't spoken to any inmates.

[Assistant] Does anybody do their jobs anymore?


[User] I've decided Clarence's life isn't worth risking mine for.

[Assistant] I appreciate your candor. Did you Even go to the prison or are you just out playing polo?


[User] I'm searParkng both Clarence's cells. I figure, if he's on something, it's stashed somewhere.

[Assistant] Unless he finished it.


[User] Yeah, that'd be a shame. He could have shoved it anywhere, there's envelopes stacked to the ceiling, bottles of copier toner, boxes of rubber bands [he goes on, but House has heard enough]

[Assistant] Call it off. Come on back.


[User] What's going on?

[Assistant] You're dying. [ -- and takes out a bottle of rum and pours two shots' worth.] A Man deserves a last drink.


[User] You're okay.

[Assistant] Thanks. That means a lot. [He helps Clarence to drink his shot.]


[User] I work for one of the top diagnosticians in the country. We're pouring all of our energy into figuring this out.

[Assistant] [slurred slightly] Thought you convicts knew how to drink. You're at least three shots behind. [He looks as if he's going to offer a shot to Clarence, but drinks it himself.] Now you're four shots behind.


[User] House "� [She stops short as she sees House laughing and pouring shots.] I was just waiting for test results, I was!

[Assistant] Little busy right now. Getting my drink on.


[User] Oof. That's the finest piece I've seen in ten years.

[Assistant] I could've hit that.


[User] And you didn't.

[Assistant] Eh.


[User] Then you're the one that should be locked up.

[Assistant] Tell me something, I've been trying to figure this out. Why does a guy "� [He gives Clarence another shot] "� who's on Death Row suddenly try to off himself? I know you drank that copier fluid. It's not as visually dramatic as slitting your wrists with a homemade shiv, but it'll do the trick.


[User] It just hit me all of a sudden. It was like, they tell me when to eat, when to sleep, when to walk, when to talk, Everything. I had to take control of something, right? When to die, I figured that was as good as anything.

[Assistant] [pouring more rum] And that thought just came to you. Just like that.


[User] Man, I told you. Twenty-three hours a "� [House forces another shot down his throat.]

[Assistant] Mmm. Well, look. Here's the good news. The copier fluid you drank contains about 90% methanol, which is very poisonous and you took more than enough to kill yourself. The bad news is the alcohol you just drank contains so much ethanol that it's gonna bind with that nasty formic acid raging through your body, and you're just gonna pee it out. Harmlessly.


[User] Man, you are drunk.

[Assistant] Yes, I am. I also saved your life. [And, a shot for House! Laughing] At least for now.


[User] Morning! [House winces at the sound.] Your head hurt?

[Assistant] No, you just have a very grating voice.


[User] You always were a light weight.

[Assistant] Why are you talking to me?


[User] Can't it be enough that I want to cause you pain? The Patient's okay now, you're going to send him back?

[Assistant] Absolutely. [He walks into the elevator. Oh elevator, I've missed you! The door of the elevator almost closes, but House stops it with his cane, and it opens again.] Can I trust you?


[User] You used to.

[Assistant] I still think the Patient's sick. I'm keeping him here. Now, either you can do your job and keep the hospital informed, or you can help me make sure the hospital is not informed and buy me some time. [The door closes.]


[User] With contrast?

[Assistant] [entering] She's done Everything she needs to do except tell her Patient that she's dying. I told you, only I get to play with the markers. [He erases what she wrote.] Our prisoner has a new symptom.


[User] I'm not telling Cindy she's dying until the diagnosis is confirmed.

[Assistant] I'm not buying that CLARENCE is trying to take control of his life by suicide. Healthy people don't kill themselves.


[User] Healthy people don't kill other people.

[Assistant] Guy just filed an appeal in a state that hasn't actually killed anybody in about 30 years.


[User] What if it wasn't suicide? What if it was an escape plan? Drink enough methanol to get transferred to a hospital, try to escape from here?

[Assistant] Excellent. Explains Everything, except the symptom that got him here. His heart went nuts before he got stuck in that storage cell and chugged a toner martini. I think there's something going on in his head. Check for intracranial lesions, brain infections, autoimmune diseases! do a CT, LP, full workup. State's paying, so go nuts. [They all leave, Cameron in a huff.]


[User] You killed four people. Somehow, making mac and cheese just the way he wants kind of loses its significance.

[Assistant] Oh no. Now you've left your entire body in my chair. What does that mean you want?


[User] I need a segmental bronchoalveolar lavage.

[Assistant] I take it the CT with contrast came back.


[User] They're not definitive.

[Assistant] Biopsy would be.


[User] Biopsy would be invasive and unnecessary.

[Assistant] And definitive. But you don't want definitive, you want to hang on to your delusions as long as you can.


[User] A lavage could prove it's not cancer.

[Assistant] But you need me to approve the procedure. Must be a bitch. The answer is no.


[User] Why? Because it's me? I'm over you. I've jumped on the bandwagon. I hate you, okay?

[Assistant] Great. Let's treat her.


[User] What is it? You won't help Cindy but you're obsessed with this piece of dirt! Are you just trying to prove that who someone is doesn't matter, that all that matters is your stupid puzzle? Fine. Treat them the same. That's all I'm asking. One test.

[Assistant] Wow, that is remarkable. According to those patchouli-oli selling new-agers, it's supposed to be the terminal Patient, but you're going through the five stages. You just made a completely seamless transition from anger to bargaining. Cover two more of my clinic hours, and you can have your one procedure. [Cameron nods and leaves.]


[User] Your Death Row guy's still here!

[Assistant] Yeah, sorry. Just gotta get him stabilized. PRobably keep him on fluids for a few more hours, then off he goes.


[User] Oh yeah? 'Cause I'm figuring that you still think he's sick.

[Assistant] Figuring requires deductive reasoning. I'm figuring that you did no figuring. Stacy just ratted me out, right? So much for attorney-client privledge.


[User] I'm the client, you moron. Stacy has a duty to this hospital.

[Assistant] Right.


[User] I'm sending him back to prison.

[Assistant] Whoa, can't. Court order.


[User] Would you describe it as a shooting pain? A thRobbing pain? Or maybe an imaginary pain because you don't want to go back to prison?

[Assistant] Where does it hurt?


[User] My gut, I feel like I'm getting stabbed! [Screams again.]

[Assistant] Well, he'd know. Let me take a look.


[User] Oh, so Everybody lies except a convicted murderer. [CGI shot of some nasty stuff in Clarence's bowels. Ew. House removes the covers to rEveal blood flowing out of Clarence's nether regions. More ew.]

[Assistant] I don't think he's faking this stuff. What do you think, Doctor? [Clarence screams a lot more for emphasis.]


[User] I didn't have any choice.

[Assistant] No, you had to tell Cuddy. She's your boss, I get it. Hitler thought he was doing the world a favor, too.


[User] Yeah, pretty much on that same lEvel.

[Assistant] Gandhi didn't march the sea because his buddies asked him too, Pol Pot didn't wipe out the teachers because he wanted to make friends.


[User] You're not making friends right now.

[Assistant] I trusted you.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] Wilson's a fool. I'm an idiot.


[User] I had to do what I thought was right.

[Assistant] It's the only reason anybody does anything.


[User] The surgery went fine. They removed almost a foot of necrotic bowel. They're shackling him and taking him to recovery.

[Assistant] I wonder. I wonder why Clarence killed that second inmate.


[User] Fine, I'll bite. What the hell are you talking about?

[Assistant] Everything we do is dictated by motive. [As he erases the white board] Why did he kill his girlfriend?


[User] Because he's a Maniac!

[Assistant] Is that the reason he gave?


[User] She was cheating on him.

[Assistant] Jealousy. [He writes it on the board.] That gets him sent to prison, where he kills inmate number one. Why?


[User] Guy attacked him first.

[Assistant] REvenge. Who'd he killed after that?


[User] Prison guard.

[Assistant] Who had a file full of abusive complaints. PRobably been kicking Clarence's ass for months.


[User] Clarence is just ridding the world of bad seeds.

[Assistant] Call that one "retribution"�. Then he kills inmate number two. Anybody know why? [Chase looks through the file.] Nuh-uh. It's not in there. [He draws a giant question mark.]


[User] All of a sudden I got to have a reason?

[Assistant] It's an anomaly. Doctors love anomalies. Dark spot on an x-ray, bright spot on an MRI!. Killing that second inmate is the homicidal equivalent of blood in the urine. It doesn't fit. I'm interested in things that don't fit. Tell me why you did it. Your other victims you were almost bragging about. What was different about this guy?


[User] It happened when I was in gen-pop. I was in the library, just readin', and I started feelin' real nervous. This guy was staring at me, I could feel his eyes digging holes in the back of my neck, it made me feel crazy. Sweat was pouring down my face. I could hear my heartbeat racing in my ears. I just raged out on the dude.

[Assistant] So what's the differential for raging out?


[User] Adrenaline "�

[Assistant] Prep Clarence for surgery.


[User] Care to share with the class.

[Assistant] Oh, come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it. [Ed. "� But I do!] But you said it yourself, adrenaline. Pheochomocytoma sits on top of the adrenal gland, randomly spits out oodles of the stuff. It's perfect, it explains Everything. The tachycardia, pulmonary edema, the vasoconstriction that caused the necrotic bowel "�


[User] But pheo's extremely rare.

[Assistant] I love rare. Set up an MRI. Where's Cameron? [They shrug.] Like I don't know.


[User] Pheo what?

[Assistant] I don't Even remember. It's just a fancy way of saying small, adrenaline-secreting tumor. Yeah, that clarified it for you. All you need to know is if I'm right, we can fix it. Just gotta to find it first. We need an MRI. It's completely painless for most people.


[User] But not for me?

[Assistant] I assume you got those tattoos in prison. Prison tats often contain inks with heavy metals. The MRI's basically a giant magnet. It'd suck those metallic inks right out of your skin. Stop squirming. Don't make us do this again. Big baby.


[User] Turn it off!

[Assistant] There's Waldo. Found it, Clarence.


[User] Turn it off! Turn this damn thing off!

[Assistant] Keep him in there until you guys see it too. [He leaves.]


[User] Looks like they got the pheo out successfully. So what now?

[Assistant] Clarence goes back to Death Row.


[User] Just like that?

[Assistant] He's cured.


[User] That tumor caused random shots of adrenaline, which obviously led to the rage attacks that made him become a murderer in the first place.

[Assistant] My God, you're right! Let's call the surgeons, we've got to save that tumor. Put it on the witness stand.


[User] We could testify at Clarence's appeal.

[Assistant] [sniffs] You smell that? I think that is the stink of hypocrisy. You wouldn't Even consider the notion that Clarence's social upbringing was responsible for what he became, but now you're sprinting to the witness stand to blame Everything on a little tumor.


[User] A person's upbringing and their biology are completely different.

[Assistant] Yeah. See, you only overcame one of them. Well, let's just give Clarence a free pass, hmmm? Which, is pRobably going to piss off all those other pheo sufferers who Managed to control their rage attacks and become Lawyers, race car doctors, or Even doctors. Removing that tumor puts a stop to those random shots adrenaline, it doesn't absolve him.


[User] You want him to be executed?

[Assistant] That's not what I'm saying.


[User] Got an opinion?

[Assistant] Everyone's got an opinion. [Foreman turns to leave as "Hallelujah"�, the most overused great song in media begins to play.]


[User] I, um, I think I'm gonna testify at Clarence's appeal.

[Assistant] You'll do what you think is right. On your own time. [He leaves.]


[User] House! Need you.

[Assistant] Uh uh, forget it. I'm going home.


[User] Hay fEver?

[Assistant] Boy, you must be a doctor and Everything!


[User] Two minutes.

[Assistant] No, the purple thingy on the file means that "whoEver"� is one of yours, which means cancer, which means no way is it two minutes.


[User] Fine, I'm lying. 30 minutes.

[Assistant] Mystery of life.


[User] Benadryl might help.

[Assistant] I already did 1000 milligrams. [He sneezes]


[User] Steam room?

[Assistant] Why Jimmy. We'll talk about this in the morning.


[User] I've got a nine year old with cancer. Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma. Terminal kid trumps your stuffy nose.

[Assistant] Not yet.


[User] She's hallucinating. [He said the magic word]

[Assistant] So the Rhabdo's in her brain. Make her comfortable she's got about a week.


[User] Yeah except there is no cancer in her brain. Pristine CT scan, blood tests, protein markers all negative.

[Assistant] The cancer's in remission? Which means the hallucinations are unconnected.


[User] Fascinating huh? And not that it matters but if you fix whatEver's going on in her head you give her maybe another year. Long time for a nine year old.

[Assistant] No. It'll just fly by.


[User] If it was me I'd just stay home and watch TV or something. Not lie here under a microscope.

[Assistant] Don't worry, anything happens to you nobody's is going to lift a finger. Differential diagnosis on your marks, get set!


[User] Hallucinations could be caused by!

[Assistant] Whoa. Wait for it! [Pause] and go.


[User] No, nothing on mom. Dad split when she was pregnant [ Cameron hands House a cup of tea] his medical history is also clean.

[Assistant] What a guy.


[User] Blood work and LP were clean.

[Assistant] [Looking at the scan] But where there's infection there's meningial swelling.


[User] That CT shows no meningial involvement.

[Assistant] True. Get a tox screen and MRI.


[User] We can do that if you want to ignore what we just discussed.

[Assistant] Sounds good.


[User] Toxic exposure doesn't make chronological sense.

[Assistant] Yes, there is a third option � she's making it all up because she doesn't want to get in trouble for breaking a mirror. Unfortunately we can't test for that so! [He looks at Chase] Tox screen, MRI and you [He looks at Cameron] stay away from the Patient.


[User] What'd I do?

[Assistant] Oh well, you'd just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself; end up in a custody battle. Chase you handle the mom. Tell her that you'd just sit home and watch TV and die, but you're going to go though the motions of trying to save her daughters life. It's a doctor thing. [They begin to exit and he sips the tea] What the hell is this?


[User] Black walnut and ginger.

[Assistant] It's nice.


[User] A pro. I like it.

[Assistant] Whoa look at the time I should have been out of here 20 minutes ago.


[User] You've only been here 20 minutes.

[Assistant] Can't slip anything by you can I.


[User] There's a Patient in one.

[Assistant] I'm taking a sick day.


[User] Take some Claritin.

[Assistant] Everyone's a doctor suddenly.


[User] Balls are in your court, Doctor.

[Assistant] Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.


[User] Exam room one.

[Assistant] Well it's sexist and a very dangerous precedent; if people could choose the sex of their doctors you gals would be out of business.


[User] Exam room one.

[Assistant] Sore throat? [We see the Patient holding an open book in front of him, he removes it to rEveal blood stained pants] Well it's not lupus. Well not Everyone can operate a zipper; the up, the down. What comes next?


[User] My new girlfriend nEver been with a guy who wasn't c-circumcised so she freaked and�

[Assistant] Aha, and you wanted Rivkah to feel all gemutlicht. I get it it's a shandah.


[User] I got some box cutters and uh!

[Assistant] Just like Abraham did it.


[User] I sterilized them which, uh, I was told you're!

[Assistant] Stop talking. I'm gonna get a plastic surgeon. Get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.


[User] House. Hey, House. Andie's MRI and tox screen were clean. No infection. No neurotoxins.

[Assistant] Oxygen saturation is 94%, check her heart.


[User] Her oxygen saturation is normal.

[Assistant] It's off by one percentage point.


[User] It's within range. It's normal.

[Assistant] If her DNA was off by one percentage point she'd be a dolphin. We've got a Patient, who for no obvious reason is hallucinating. Since it's not obvious, I thought we'd go with subtle.


[User] But the lungs could lead us somewhere that is.

[Assistant] Welcome to the end of the thought process.


[User] Could be some bizarre case of kyphoscoliosis. [Chase laughs]

[Assistant] I'm going home. While I'm resting you guys get some arterial blood gasses. Once you confirm she is hypoxic I want a plethysmography, Chest X-ray, CT and VQ. And if all that comes back negative then snake a catheter into her lungs. Don't worry, I don't sleep in. I'll get bagels.


[User] What if it is? Please kiss me.

[Assistant] Bagels.


[User] You didn't sleep in.

[Assistant] Didn't sleep. Didn't breathe. I'm dying.


[User] Pulmonary angiogram of Andie's lungs was clean. Arterial blood gasses and a CT scan were also normal. Her heart and lungs are fine.

[Assistant] Which gives us no explanation for the diminished sat percentage.


[User] Yeah oddly enough sometimes normal is normal.

[Assistant] Sometime we can't see why normal isn't normal. Get her symptoms on the board.


[User] Whoa; you're letting me touch the markers?

[Assistant] It's written down in my advanced health care directive, should I be incapacitated in any way you run the board, then Foreman. Chase you're just not ready yet. What else?


[User] She's hiding it pretty well if there's any of that going on.

[Assistant] Yeah, all girls who've been molested want to talk about it. Break out the rape kit.


[User] She hasn't had sex.

[Assistant] Why are you so sure?


[User] She told me she'd nEver kissed a boy.

[Assistant] You read her diary too?


[User] She asked me to kiss her.

[Assistant] I rest my case. A regular nine year old girl does not have sex on the brain, not when a doctor is threading a catheter through her vein.


[User] But she's not a regular nine year old. She's got terminal cancer.

[Assistant] Cancer doesn't make you special. Molestation on the other hand!


[User] She wanted one kiss before she dies. If she's nEver kissed a boy it's a fair bet she's nEver had sex.

[Assistant] Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth. Hey, here's a theory, she has been molested, seeks refuge in roMantic fantasies with older men with great hair. And I think you left out the punch line, victims of molestation learn to work the angles. Manipulate people. You did it didn't you. You kissed her.


[User] It wasn't sick. [Foreman and Cameron freak out quietly] It was one kiss for a dying girl. One small! one small kiss before she dies. Thank you. Thanks.

[Assistant] This is exactly why you can't touch my markers. Go see if she's had sex.


[User] With a Patient.

[Assistant] Is she dying?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Then she can wait.


[User] Would you excuse me, just 2 minutes.

[Assistant] If only she'd been molested then we'd have something to go on. [He tries to open a jar of mentholatum] No forced entry.


[User] One hallucination; maybe it was just bad pork, maybe there's nothing!

[Assistant] She's not fine. Her sat percentage dropped another point.


[User] Which could suggest a tumor in her lung.

[Assistant] Lung wouldn't explain the hallucination. CT scan showed both lungs were clean, which means there's a tumor in her heart.


[User] Not a chance. Give me that.

[Assistant] I loosened it.


[User] I opened it. We've got an MRI and an echo of her heart, there's nothing there.

[Assistant] Give me one other explanation for low oxygen saturation.


[User] I can't. There's only one condition that simultaneously affects the heart and the brain but she!

[Assistant] Perfect let's go with that.


[User] Tuberous Sclerosis in a kid that also has Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma. Two different unrelated cancers at the same time is a statistical no no.

[Assistant] What's the rate of cancer in the general population? 1 in 10,000?


[User] Don't, don't start with the numbers.

[Assistant] The way I figure it 1 in 10,000 of them should have another cancer. Little girl won the lottery twice. It happens.


[User] So you're gonna cut her open?

[Assistant] Exploratory surgery, gotta find this thing.


[User] You're just going to grope around inside an immuno-compromised nine year old? She could die on the table.

[Assistant] I know it's somewhere near the heart.


[User] Why are we here?

[Assistant] Better acoustics. Now listen to this.


[User] That's a mitral heart valve.

[Assistant] No, get the wax out of your ears. This is the Patient's aortic valve. I downloaded the audio of her echocardiogram.


[User] What are we trying to hear?

[Assistant] Tumor.


[User] They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths.

[Assistant] But we could hear an abnormality in the sound of the valve, which would indiCate the presence of something; a tumor for example. If we can tell the surgeon where to look this is no longer exploratory surgery it's a precision strike.


[User] Her aortic valve sounds normal.

[Assistant] Too bad. Now listen to the dulcet tones of Andie's tricuspid valve.


[User] Normal.

[Assistant] And this is her mitral valve.


[User] I don't hear anything weird.

[Assistant] You guys make me sad. Listen again.


[User] She's had one hallucination. Why are we operating on her? Why are we risking her life?

[Assistant] Because Wilson thinks it'll be nice to give the girl a year to say good bye to her mommy. I guess maybe she stutters or something. Now shut up and listen. Tricuspid. Mitral. Again.


[User] Wait. There. There's an extra flap.

[Assistant] I'm gonna ask the surgeon to look at the mitral valve first. Chase, I want you there. I don't like reading surgeons reports, they're boring.


[User] I'm not really sure I should be spending more time!

[Assistant] She'll be unconscious you'll be safe.


[User] Brave kid, she Even gave her mom a pep talk.

[Assistant] Sure. Brave. She's a wonder.


[User] What's your pRoblem?

[Assistant] These cancer kids; you can't put them all on a pedestal. It's basic statistics some of them have to be whiny little fraidy cats.


[User] You're unbelievable.

[Assistant] If there's not one yellow-belly in the group then being brave doesn't have any meaning.


[User] Andie handles an impossible situation with grace. That's not to be admired?

[Assistant] You see grace because you wanna to see grace.


[User] You don't see grace because you won't go anywhere near her.

[Assistant] Idolizing is pathological with you people. You see things to admire where there's nothing.


[User] Yeah, well, we're evil.

[Assistant] You find things to admire where you shouldn't be sniffing at all; like Debbie in accounting.


[User] She's nice.

[Assistant] You shouldn't know that, you're married.


[User] So the little kid dying of cancer, I shouldn't like her?

[Assistant] If you're dying suddenly Everybody loves you.


[User] You have a cane, nobody Even likes you.

[Assistant] I'm not terminal, merely pathetic; you wouldn't beliEve the crap people let me get away with.


[User] She's got a bleed in her eye.

[Assistant] They got the tumor, repaired her heart but she bled out of her eye.


[User] She didn't bleed out of her eye from a heart tumor.

[Assistant] True. The cardiac tumor was benign.


[User] That's impossible.

[Assistant] Statistically.


[User] Oh shut up. If the tumor's benign that means it didn't cause her hallucinations.

[Assistant] That's why I'm mentioning it.


[User] So the tumor is a coincidence.

[Assistant] This is bad you're starting to state the obvious.


[User] No, you said it would be there, it was there. It can't be a coincidence.

[Assistant] A nine year old with terminal cancer gets an unrelated benign tumor growing in her heart why?


[User] It's benign? That's impossible.

[Assistant] Talk to Wilson.


[User] What's the theory here? This girl's body's a lemon? Faulty Manufacturing? Everything's falling apart.

[Assistant] The tumor is Afghanistan the clot is Buffalo. Does that need more explanation? Ok the tumor is Al Qaeda. Big bad guy with brains. We went in and wiped it out but it had already sent out a splinter cell; a small team of low lEvel terrorists quietly living in some suburb of Buffalo, waiting to kill us all.


[User] Whoa, whoa, you're trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it.

[Assistant] It was an excellent metaphor, angio her brain for this clot before it straps on an explosive vest. Angio was clean.


[User] There's no clot?

[Assistant] There's a clot, we just can't find it.


[User] We can't do exploratory surgery on her brain.

[Assistant] Are you sure you're not a neurologist?


[User] [Sighs] Okay, she's gonna die.

[Assistant] Well the clots not gonna to go away quietly. It could blow at anytime. Are you gonna let them know?


[User] To tell Andie she's going to die? That's very un-you.

[Assistant] She's such a brave girl. I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's gonna die.


[User] Go to hell.

[Assistant] What would you do if you were told you were gonna die?


[User] I don't know, I'd be devastated.

[Assistant] You'd cry like a baby, Everybody would, but she's not doing anything. She's a rock.


[User] She's brave.

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why?


[User] She's gone through more than most people do in a lifetime.

[Assistant] So what? Does that mean she's ready to die? What if her bravery is a symptom? The clot is causing hallucinations and messing with her emotions.


[User] You think her bravery is chemically based.

[Assistant] Would tell us where to look for the clot. Where's the fears center?


[User] The Amygdala near the hippocampus; it's a big area and a busy one. You blindly cut in there you'll kill her. The only time you're going to see this clot is at autopsy.

[Assistant] Then let's do that. Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?


[User] Are you high?

[Assistant] If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.


[User] It's Wednesday.

[Assistant] I want to induce a hypothermic cardiac arrest. Once the Patients on bypass we siphon off two liters of blood then perfuse the brain while she's in an MRI.


[User] You're actually talking about killing her.

[Assistant] Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.


[User] Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we Even talking?

[Assistant] If we do nothing she's dead in a day, maybe a week; the kind that lasts.


[User] We need FDA approval for any surgical technique that's used for diagnostic purposes.

[Assistant] Absolutely. If we were doing anything invasive; but there's nothing invasive. [He almost sneezes] Gah. You know, I'm not cutting into her head I'm just looking for a clot.


[User] Not invasive? You're killing her.

[Assistant] Don't split hairs, if it works she lives.


[User] Make sure the mom understands that this is a million to one shot.

[Assistant] I'll see that Wilson passes that along.


[User] Signed consent forms.

[Assistant] Great. Thanks.


[User] You sound better.

[Assistant] I stacked a combo of mentholatum, a few vicodin and something else which I can't remember. Should be able to ride the high for a couple hours; what did Andie say?


[User] About what?

[Assistant] About this.


[User] I didn't talk to her; she doesn't need to know the specifics of this procedure.

[Assistant] What if you're right about her? What if she just is that brave?


[User] That doesn't mean she's mature enough to handle this kind of decision.

[Assistant] Either she understands or she's not brave. You can't have it both ways. If she does understand! then she deserves to know what's going on. I'm doctor House.


[User] I've seen you around.

[Assistant] Did your mom tell you what we're gonna try?


[User] Sorta.

[Assistant] Tomorrow's test could take ten hours, in your present condition you might not Even make it through.


[User] My mom's done a lot of research.

[Assistant] How do you feel about it? If we figured maturity came from how much time you've got left instead how long you've been here, this would be your call.


[User] I don't have a choice right?

[Assistant] I could give you one.


[User] I wanna get better.

[Assistant] You've got cancer. I fix this!


[User] I've got a year.

[Assistant] A year of this. A lot of people wouldn't want that. A lot of people would just want it to be over.


[User] Are you asking if I want to die?

[Assistant] Nobody wants to die. But you're going to. The question is how, how much you're gonna suffer and how long. I'm asking if you want this to be over.


[User] What would you tell my mom?

[Assistant] I could give her ten excellent medical reasons why we can't do this procedure.


[User] I can't just leave her cause I'm tired.

[Assistant] But you can't stay for her either.


[User] But she needs me here.

[Assistant] This is your life, you can't do this just for her.


[User] I love her.

[Assistant] Thank you for joining me for tonight's dress rehearsal. Playing the part of Andie is Morty Randolph. [He gestures at a cadaver] For his donation to science we give our thanks. Once Andie is cool and goes off bypass we have 60 seconds to get 2 liters of blood out of her body and back into her for the pictures to find the clot in her head. IF our star is bumped tomorrow [He barely touches the cadaver and lights start to flash] while my MRI is on these red lights will go off which will mean we have no useable test results. No test results; its goodbye Broadway. You guys will be wearing bad cat suits in Des Moines. Neurosurgeons here, with a view of the monitors. Cardiac surgeon there, in case we need to open her up. Anesthesiologists, one by the cardiac bypass maParkne, one by the cooling apparatus. Girls in the chorus if you're over 5' 10"� stick with me. Okay give me 60 seconds on the clock. Showtime. A five, six, sEven, eight! siphon off the blood through the arterial line WHOOSH, sound of blood draining. More whoosh. Glug, glug, glug and we! [Red lights] Kill her. Again. How hard can this be? Again! Again! Again!


[User] We could bolt her to the table.

[Assistant] Gruesome and low tech. Kiss me I love it. A five, six, sEven, eight!


[User] Here you go doctor.

[Assistant] This'll make you sleep.


[User] A lot of people.

[Assistant] Big musical number kiddo; a lot of people here to make you look good.


[User] He gets that sometimes.

[Assistant] Okay go. Start the cooling. You. Go.


[User] She's shivering.

[Assistant] 200 milligrams of vecuronium. What? She's dead; that's the whole idea. Go. Okay put the blood back in; reperfuse the circuit. Anything people? Anything at all?


[User] Vestibulocolcular nerve intact.

[Assistant] Keep looking.


[User] There!

[Assistant] I didn't see anything.


[User] It was there.

[Assistant] Are you sure?


[User] I saw it.

[Assistant] That's good enough for me.


[User] You're treating your stuffy nose with cocaine?

[Assistant] Diphenhydramine. Antihistamine. New delivery system; it's a blood brain barrier thing.


[User] It's all about speed isn't it? One thing to another; nEver standing still. You're pretty good at that.

[Assistant] I know my way around a razor blade.


[User] It's time.

[Assistant] Just a couple more rocks.


[User] Andie's going home.

[Assistant] Right, parade of the small bald circus freaks. Sorry, I got a thing.


[User] I read the surgeon's report.

[Assistant] Oh?


[User] Clot was nowhere near her Amygdala. Means her fear emotions were working perfectly.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] Yeah. So her bravery was not a symptom.

[Assistant] Yeah. I was wrong; she genuinely is a self sacrificing saint whose life will bring her nothing but pain, which she will stoically withstand just so that her mom doesn't have to cry quite so soon. I'm beside myself with joy. [He does a line] Whoa!


[User] She enjoys life more than you do.

[Assistant] Right.


[User] She stole that kiss from Chase. What have done lately?

[Assistant] I'm pacing myself; unlike her I have the luxury of time.


[User] [Handing her tickets to the American Museum of Natural History] In case you want to see real butterflies. [They hug and she kisses him on the cheek]

[Assistant] I'm not gonna kiss you no matter what you say. [She hugs him]


[User] It's sunny outside, you should go for a walk.

[Assistant] [He looks at his cane] Not much for long walks in the Park. Now get.


[User] Right leg?

[Assistant] Huh?


[User] Your right leg? You can still ride. We've got excellent financing right now. It lists for 10-8 but I'll let you steal it out the door for 10-3.

[Assistant] No thanks. [He starts to leave and then turns back] Could I test drive one of these things?


[User] How does falling off your roof do that to a guy's fingers?

[Assistant] Could have tweaked a vertebrae in his neck. Could have pinged on the ulnar![House is staring down at a red stain on Cuddy's tank top just below her breasts.] Sorry, trouble concentrating. That tank top really absorbs moisture. Could have pinged the ulnar nerve, cut the blood flow. Or it could be


[User] DIC.? Guy falls off a roof, the first thought is it's always a clotting pRoblem

[Assistant] Trauma can activate the clotting enzymes. Guy could loose more than his hand.


[User] Thank you, very much. This guy's been working for me for a long time and I--

[Assistant] Do I get bonus points if I act like I care? Cervical MRI, work up for DIC, and start him on a heparin drip


[User] Who?

[Assistant] You want to know his name? [throws file down on the table] I'm sure it's in the file. Or you could ask her. She's his oldest, bestest friend. They were in Cub Scouts together.


[User] I'll get started on the blood tests.

[Assistant] You haven't been a real doctor in ten years, you'll make a mess all over the sheet.


[User] You have clinic duty. I still know how to handle a Patient.

[Assistant] Get me blood. Lots of blood. They're better. They've showered.


[User] His PTT is prolonged, the fibrin split products are off, he's not clotting properly. It looks like a mild case of DIC.

[Assistant] Well, obviously not that mild. This keeps up and his hand will literally be dead meat. His hand is connected to his arm, his arm is connected to!I'm not sure, but I bet it's important.


[User] All this from falling off my roof!

[Assistant] Yeah, if only he'd fallen on his head. Then he wouldn't have any of these symptoms.


[User] We need something stronger than heparin. HuMan activated protein C.

[Assistant] Looks like Cuddy, same cleavage. Protein C is indiCated only for sEvere sepsis.


[User] Well, how Many of his limbs have to be at stake, for it to be sEvere?

[Assistant] But this stuff is crazy dangerous. It can cause internal bleeding. If he bleeds, he could stroke, he could die.


[User] He could get better.

[Assistant] You know, if I tried a scheme like this, you'd give me that nasty, wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. [House approached Cuddy until he is barely a foot away.] It's very sexy, I admit.


[User] Do it.

[Assistant] Protein C is border-line irresponsible. 'Cept that the safe stuff isn't doing squat.


[User] This is exactly the type of thing you would do.

[Assistant] Well, obviously.


[User] You were just jerking Cuddy around?

[Assistant] You seriously thought I wanted to stop her?


[User] One thing Cuddy is not is clueless.

[Assistant] No, first causality of this case is her sense of humor.


[User] His fingers are Even darker, his temperature is 102 and spiking, and the x-ray now shows lung infiltrates.

[Assistant] The good news is he won't be bitParkng about losing his hand if he can't breathe.


[User] The trauma from the fall could cause actuate respiratory distress syndrome.

[Assistant] Right, I forgot. Your roof.


[User] It would cause lung infiltrates and maybe fEver and conceivably the cyanotic fingers.

[Assistant] The only question is why?


[User] Why what?

[Assistant] Why her weird psychopathology requires a diagnosis formed entirely by personal guilt. Let's assume we've been wrong up until now. Let's assume, just for one second, that the earth doesn't revolve around Cuddy's roof. What if he was sick before he had his run-in with gravity? He just didn't notice anything.


[User] Pneumonia doesn't hit that fast.

[Assistant] Sure, only pavement hits that fast. It's not pneumonia. Might have missed a finger turning dark, he's not going to miss breathing pRoblems. What else?


[User] It's pneumonia. He wanted to go home. I thought he was lying. I told him I had a dinner party. I made him go up there.

[Assistant] Well, why didn't you just take out a gun and shoot him?


[User] I thought it was just asthma.

[Assistant] Might have mentioned this earlier, Doctor. Maybe we could have sent some blood cultures to the lab, instead of wasting a day indulging your self-loathing.


[User] If it's just garden-variety bacterial pneumonia, he's gonna be fine.

[Assistant] So give him garden-variety Levaquin and a garden-variety echo-cardiogram. And go check out the kid's House.


[User] The blood work will show us which type of pneumonia it is, if�

[Assistant] If he's huffing nail polish, or pulling the wings off his pet parrot, this way will be faster. I bet Julio is just dying to find out what's wrong with him. [nods to Cameron]. Go with her.


[User] It's Alfredo. And I can handle getting a key and�

[Assistant] Rico and I no longer trust you deciding what's important and what's not.


[User] You Ever think about writing a book on office politics?

[Assistant] Trust me. It would be a lot worse if I told her you have to break into her House.


[User] Wait, wait, wait. Cuddy's House?

[Assistant] See, it is shocking. Guy's been working there Every day for the last three weeks. Do you think it's impossible that he could have picked something up?


[User] I'm not breaking into my boss's House.

[Assistant] I'm your boss.


[User] She's scarier than you are.

[Assistant] Oh, she's a Woman. Relax, I'm coming with.


[User] No, nothing wrong with that.

[Assistant] What do you think? Red thongs? I think red thongs. 'Kay! Twenty bucks says I can get through this door in twenty seconds.


[User] So how did you know about her key? You been doing a little handyMan work for Cuddy yourself?

[Assistant] Someone as obsessive and insecure as Cuddy pRobably has three extra keys hidden within ten feet of the door.


[User] Oh, and you consider obsession a negative quality?

[Assistant] Insecticide is organic, soap is hypoallergenic. I got the bedroom. This is where it all happens.


[User] There's no way you deduced where that key was.

[Assistant] Does this count as red?


[User] You gave yourself twenty seconds, then put money on it.

[Assistant] Oh my God. She's got pictures of you in here. Just you. It's like some kind of weird shrine.


[User] You're kidding.

[Assistant] Yeah. She uses super tampons. What does that mean?


[User] You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been!nasty.

[Assistant] Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.


[User] There's nothing here. Are you ready to go or you got some more stuff you want to sniff?

[Assistant] Whoa. Check this out. It's fuzzy. It's black. It's alive.


[User] Patient's lung function is declining rapidly. Levaquin's not working. He obviously doesn't have garden-variety pneumonia.

[Assistant] I'm glad you learned to take his impending death in stride.


[User] Rats.

[Assistant] Scars on his hand!


[User] Rat bites.

[Assistant] But he says they're from construction work so he won't have to admit he's got rats in the home. Catholics are right. Pride will kill you.


[User] Rat bite fEver.

[Assistant] Boogy, oggy, oogy.


[User] It fits the symptoms perfectly.

[Assistant] It's certainly one possibility. What about the aspergillus fungus we found under the sink?


[User] What sink?

[Assistant] You ought to clean your bathroom better.


[User] You broke into my House?

[Assistant] No, that would be wrong. I had a key.


[User] Oh damn. You're right. The focal consolidation makes fungal pneumonia far more likely.

[Assistant] You're right I'm right. On the bright side, it has the advantage of keeping you totally responsible.


[User] Yeah. Your point being?

[Assistant] Going the dangerous and aggressive route didn't work last time. It's bound to work this time. Start him on the amphotericin.


[User] Bitch.

[Assistant] With a Patient.


[User] Not according to the log.

[Assistant] It's three-fifteen.


[User] How's Cuddy doing?

[Assistant] She's not acting like Cuddy. It's a pleasure.


[User] You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible.

[Assistant] Technical term is narcissism. You can't beliEve Everything is your fault unless you also beliEve you're all-powerful.


[User] [sarcastic] Wow, doesn't she sound messed up.

[Assistant] I don't beliEve I can fix Everything. I don't lie awake at night tormented by that fact.


[User] No, you lie awake tormented by�

[Assistant] We were talking about Cuddy here.


[User] She cares.

[Assistant] She enjoys feeling guilty.


[User] Lisacares. It's why she drives you nuts. 'Cause it's not just a puzzle to her. The Patients are actually real, their feeling actually relevant. And I'm telling her, she can't Even talk to him.

[Assistant] My God, it's contagious. You're feeling guilty, too.


[User] I'm just saying take it easy on her. You owe her that.

[Assistant] Commercial's over.


[User] So glad we talked.

[Assistant] Snap, crackle, pop. Got some Rice Crispies in there?


[User] That bad, huh?

[Assistant] You were here yesterday. I see from the chart that Dr. Foreman prescribed medicine, not a miracle. Got to give this stuff more than a day.


[User] I didn't fill that Oreo's prescription.

[Assistant] On the theory that you didn't trust him because he's black!well, I'm going to prescribe the same medicine. See if you fill it this time.


[User] I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?

[Assistant] It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.


[User] Look. My heart's red, your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs.

[Assistant] You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but it's my experience in the last ninety seconds that all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.


[User] I'll see another doctor.

[Assistant] Fine. Fine. I'll give you the same medicine we give Republicans.


[User] Dying?

[Assistant] Geez, it's the cops.


[User] Muriendo? Mi hijo esta muriendo? (Dying? My son is dying?)

[Assistant] Guess she understands a little English.


[User] Proof that my brilliant idea of giving him amphotericin is killing him.

[Assistant] That wasn't a complete waste of time. His reaction shows that you don't need to clean under your sink. It wasn't aspergilllus.


[User] And blood cultures show he was negative for rat bite fEver.

[Assistant] There's still plenty of other cool pneumonias!


[User] No, his antigen is negative.

[Assistant] Well, that all sucks!


[User] DIC wouldn't cause a fEver this high.

[Assistant] See my lapdog agrees with me. How high?


[User] Two hours ago, it was one-oh-three. With acetaminophen.

[Assistant] What about on St. Alban's Day? Only temperature I'm interested in right now is his temperature right now.


[User] No te preocupes, descansa, yo voy a trabajar por ti esta noche. (Don't worry, rest, I'll cover for you at night).

[Assistant] Open up.


[User] Te dije que no, y se acabo!(I told you no! End of story!)

[Assistant] Okay, let me clarify. Open up and keep it open.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] Under your tongue. You're using your left hand. Right one hurt?


[User] No, I feel better.

[Assistant] It really doesn't hurt? Or you just figure if you say no you'll get out of the hospital sooner?


[User] Doesn't hurt. Feels good.

[Assistant] You don't smell too hot. Your hand is starting to rot. Why are we here?


[User] We're talking about cutting off a kid's hand.

[Assistant] Yes, we're talking about cutting it off, not subdividing it and putting in condos. It's not a legal issue.


[User] Are you being intentionally dense?

[Assistant] Huh?


[User] I've heard enough.

[Assistant] What? She says one word and you take her side. You should wait until she at least gives a medical reason. Otherwise I might take it personally.


[User] All of his symptoms are caused by his underlying pRoblem and the medicine we gave him.

[Assistant] What underlying pRoblem? You have no idea what the underlying pRoblem is.


[User] You're the diagnostician.

[Assistant] Fine. It's all my fault. Does that make you feel better?


[User] His hand still has an arterial pulse.

[Assistant] His hand is a cesspool. And the crap is spreading.


[User] You are being pretty aggressive about destroying a Man's livelihood.

[Assistant] Don't give a damn about his livelihood.


[User] He lose that hand, he loses his job. All of his jobs. He's not like us.

[Assistant] He can't work as a cripple?


[User] He loses his home, his kid brother drops out!

[Assistant] American dream destroyed. Very sad, very emotional. Not one medical fact in the whole pathetic tale. You've lost perspective, Cuddy. You've stopped looking at this as a doctor. You're acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing's Ever right. I'm happy to report that we're now so in synch we're actually wearing each other's underwear. Chop, chop time.


[User] Is this true?

[Assistant] No, I'm lying. Stupid to do with her in the room, I guess.


[User] This is a big decision.

[Assistant] We made it.


[User] We should convene in a meeting of the ethics committee.

[Assistant] NO! [throws hands up]. Look. She is making a medical decision based on nEver wanting to feel regret. You're making a legal decision on wanting me to be wrong.


[User] Greg, you have a history of "�

[Assistant] You wanted superficial agreement. You wanted Everybody's asses covered. You got it. Now can I do the surgery? Pretty, pretty please?


[User] I gave one of my clinic Patients a follow up call. Your name came up.

[Assistant] I'm guessing an old black guy that thinks the CIA invented rap music to make your people want to kill each other.


[User] He says you gave him the white folks' stuff. This is exactly why black people don't live as long.

[Assistant] This isn't about race. Unless annoying is a race. Is he not getting better?


[User] He's fine so far. I'm calling him back in. I'm getting him on the right stuff.

[Assistant] Oh, relax, Foreman. He already is. I told him it was the white stuff. I gave him the black stuff.


[User] He was right. You did exactly what white people do. You figure we don't need to know the truth or can't understand it. So you just lie to us.

[Assistant] It's just a white lie.


[User] Good one, Master.

[Assistant] Right, I'm a racist. Too bad that idiot will nEver know for the rest of his long, long life.


[User] And dialysis.

[Assistant] I'm getting distracted by the multi-system organ failure. Pinkies are supposed to be pink, right? They're not called grayies.


[User] But the organ failure is gonna kill him.

[Assistant] But the pinky is weirder![sits up] What does it tell us?


[User] Same thing the right hand told us before we cut it off. It's the same symptom.

[Assistant] But at a different time. His blood work indiCates mild DIC. What if it's mild in the way you get out of the ocean, the water clinging to your body makes the sea lEvel drop. It's technically true, but completely irrelevant.


[User] Well, the lack of DIC would explain Everything if there were also a lack of anything to explain.

[Assistant] Endocarditis. His heart's infected. Little bacteria cauliflowers clinging to his bowels. Except sometimes they can't hold on. They go swimming in his bloodstream. Thursday, one breaks off, goes to his right hand. Black fingers, gangrene. Friday's Parkld heads for the kidneys. We all know what Saturday's are all about. Party with the left hand. Also explains the fEver.


[User] It's perfect. Except for the little fact that we're already tested for endocarditis and he was negative.

[Assistant] Which either means he is negative or what infection could cause pneumonia and culture negative for endocarditis? Prize value goes down with Every clue.


[User] You're thinking psittacosis? Alfredo doesn't have any pet parrots.

[Assistant] Which are squawking. Give him doxycycline.


[User] No! That will just make his clotting pRoblem worse.

[Assistant] I liked you better when you were coming up with wacky drugs for us to try. We give him the doxy now, damnit, maybe we can save his pinky. He can teach his brother how to count all the way to five.


[User] If you're wrong, he'll end up with no hands and no feet.

[Assistant] Technically, if I'm wrong, he'll end up dead. But I take your point. What's his night job?


[User] He cleans up at some fast food joint. Why? Do you think he got it from a Parkcken nugget?

[Assistant] Since when do fast food joints allow twelve-year-olds to mop floors?


[User] Alfredo is twenty.

[Assistant] Really? Looks younger. Where were you going to work tonight? What job do you do on Saturday nights?


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Wake him up.


[User] We just cut off his hand.

[Assistant] Yeah. We need to talk about it.


[User] It's not happening.

[Assistant] Donde trabaja su hijo los sábados por la noche? (Where does your son work on Saturday nights?) Honest, I have no idea what I just said.


[User] Why didn't you say you spoke Spanish?

[Assistant] Well, because, she'd want to talk to me. Dígame! (Tell me!) Or something like that.


[User] No trabaja los sábados. Es la única noche que descansa. (He doesn't work on Saturdays, it's the only night he rests.)

[Assistant] She says he doesn't work Saturday nights. Give me the talking juice.


[User] The fact it doesn't fit your theory doesn't make it a lie.

[Assistant] When she was out of the room, the kid brother insisted he was going to cover for Alfredo at work tonight. Que hace Alfredo los sábados por la noche? (What does Alfredo do on Saturday nights?)


[User] Se divierte con sus amigos, va a bailar! (He has fun with his friends, goes dancing..)

[Assistant] Saturday nights he goes dancing. Either it's a lie or he's dancing with birds. A dónde? (Where?)


[User] Yo no se! (I don't know!)

[Assistant] Give her the talking juice.


[User] She doesn't know what you're talking about.

[Assistant] Odds are, it's going to be close to his House. PRobably an abandoned wareHouse or factory. Take the Scooby gang and spread out.


[User] What the hell are we looking for?

[Assistant] Find somebody who looks like crap, tell him you want to place a bet.


[User] Ah!

[Assistant] Sayonara!


[User] It's Cuddy.

[Assistant] I already put him on the psittacosis meds. Soon as you left. You're welcome. What do you think the record for one-handed juggling is?


[User] You can yo-yo one-handed.

[Assistant] Good point.


[User] I nEver figured it out at all.

[Assistant] Hello.


[User] What do you want House?

[Assistant] if you're wallowing in self loathing, I've got something that might help. We're getting sued.


[User] We'll settle. He's got a stub where his hand used to be. We have insurance. Case seems pretty solid to me.

[Assistant] Ca-Parkng. The new American dream. Happy ending. Kid's gonna be just fine. Cuddy. Your guilt. It's perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do.


[User] You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?

[Assistant] Now would the world be a better place if people nEver felt guilty? Makes sex better. [points to Stacy with his cane] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy!you see the world as it is and you see the world as it could be. What you don't see is what Everybody else sees. The giant, gaping chasm in between.


[User] House, I'm not naïve. I realize�

[Assistant] If you did, you nEver would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things. You're a good boss. And you'll nEver be happy. By the way, why does Everybody think you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it? I don't know.


[User] Cuddy feels guilty about not diagnosing psittacosis.

[Assistant] Think so?


[User] There's no way she could have.

[Assistant] No. No way she could have. It's raining.


[User] Sebastian? [Sebastian, now leaning on the breakfast table, collapses taking the table with him. The board members run over.] Call 911! Isn't someone here a doctor? [Ironic close-up on Sebastian's face!and credits!]

[Assistant] Selling subscriptions? I heard twenty and you get a new bike.


[User] Dr. Sebastian Charles collapsed during a presentation at Stoia Tucker.

[Assistant] Really? Crushed under the weight of his own ego?


[User] Wow. Is there nobody you admire?

[Assistant] Well, there was this gal I met in 'Nam who could blow out a candle without using her "�


[User] He thinks it's TB. [She hands him a chart.]

[Assistant] Good thing he's not the syphilis expert.


[User] He wants a second opinion.

[Assistant] Second to his own. Okay. [Closes chart] It's not TB.


[User] What is it?

[Assistant] Oh, you want specifics?


[User] No. He died last month. Stupidly tried to share his meds with his cousin and they only had enough for one. [House enters.] Dr. House, I'm Sebastian Charles. [He offers his hand, which House walks right by.]

[Assistant] Patients aren't usually part of the diagnostic process.


[User] Every minute, four people die of TB.

[Assistant] [writing on the board] Wow, how can you sleep at night?


[User] There're people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over "�

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours; that means Every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you got to get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another 10 minutes you could have saved 40 lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's going to take at least ten minutes so that's another 40 dead, another 40 notes!. Why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?


[User] No, thanks, I'll stay. I'd like to hear the differential.

[Assistant] Dr. Cameron, tell the doctor why it's not a good idea for the Patient to be here.


[User] He's an immunologist and a TB expert.

[Assistant] That'll be very useful if we need somebody to say the words, "I think it's TB."� [He sniffs.] What is that?


[User] Oh that. I'm sorry, that's my body powder. It's the only thing I've found that works in the Sahara. I, I'm kind of used to it, I don't Even notice it.

[Assistant] Who thinks it smells like an elephant dung smoothie?


[User] It smells okay to me. [Sebastian laughs.]

[Assistant] That is exactly why the Patient shouldn't be in the room. If you can't tell a Man that his cologne makes you want to puke, how are you going to tell him that he's an idiot?


[User] He's not an idiot.

[Assistant] Sure, you say that now, while he's in the room.


[User] Look, I don't have time for this. It's TB.

[Assistant] Nope. The symptoms are too varied.


[User] Well, if you haven't seen 10,000 cases I'd agree that's what you'd think.

[Assistant] Told you he's an idiot. You said you wanted a second opinion.


[User] No, actually. My backers wanted a second opinion.

[Assistant] Yeah, doesn't look good if you drop dead while wearing your shoes sponsor's logo.


[User] It's TB, and I'm not dying. I'm going to want you to plan a PPD and induce sputum to confirm the TB. [House nods to Chase and Foreman, who stand up. Sebastian follows.] Imaging studies will determine the progress, and I think we should pRobably take a CT-scan of my lungs just so that nobody second-guesses us?

[Assistant] Wouldn't want that. [Sebastian's cell rings. He answers it.]


[User] [smiling very broadly] I should go.

[Assistant] The nameless poor have a face, and it's a pompous white Man. [Cameron enters.]


[User] What's the emergency?

[Assistant] [looking at his yo-yo] I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog. The guy's sick, he may be dying. We've forgotten all about doing a differential diagnosis.


[User] You just sent us off to test him for "�

[Assistant] I had to get him out of there. Now we can all sit around and call him an idiot. Who wants to go first?


[User] He's right! Tuberculosis could present in hundreds of different ways!

[Assistant] Well, by that logic, Everyone in the hospital should be treated.


[User] Not Everyone in the hospital's been exposed to it for the last 20 years.

[Assistant] TB takes years to kill you. Two weeks ago he was perfectly healthy, now he's got a white board full of symptoms.


[User] What about something metabolic?

[Assistant] Welcome aboard the Good Ship Asskisser. [Chase glares.] Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties.


[User] What about his heart?

[Assistant] Obviously big as all out doors.


[User] Abnormal heart rhythm. White form showed P-R variability.

[Assistant] It's subtle, but it's there.


[User] You think it's his heart? Sick sinus syndrome?

[Assistant] Loose throttle. Sometimes beats too fast, sometimes too slow.


[User] It would account for the episode. I'll put him on telemetry; do a stress test and an echocardiogram.

[Assistant] Treat him like Every other hospital Patient. I want to see that pious, body powered toosh hanging out of his gown.


[User] Good for you. [He chuckles as she wheels him out of the room.]

[Assistant] Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.


[User] You're just mad that he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.

[Assistant] And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.


[User] It's not just a trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.

[Assistant] Seriously? No wonder Everyone's going after that peace thing. [The elevator dings, and they walkout into the hospital lobby.]


[User] He cures thousands of people Every year, you cure, what? 30?

[Assistant] McDonald's makes a better hamburger than your mother because they make more?


[User] Oh, I see! So you hate him because the lives he saves aren't as good as the lives you save.

[Assistant] Yup, that's the reason. Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money.


[User] The top of my head's killing me. [She puts her hand on her head to demonstrate.]

[Assistant] Hmmm. We spent a week doing 'top of head' in Anatomy. I know just where it is. [He sticks his fingers right against her sinuses, and she flinches. (Ed. "� And I flinch in sympathy.)]


[User] Ow! That is not the top of my head!

[Assistant] Eh, close enough for clinic. Your sinuses are clogged. Judging by the scratches on your hands, I'm guessing a new cat.


[User] It was my mother's. She's dead.

[Assistant] You keep a dead cat?


[User] No. My mother's dead.

[Assistant] Oh. Poor cat. You're allergic. We can control it with antihistamine, one pill a day.


[User] Pills?

[Assistant] You don't like to swallow. Not surprised. Forget the pills. I'll give you a nasal spray.


[User] Steroids? Is there something else you can give me?

[Assistant] Well, if you lived by the river, I've got a bag.


[User] Hey, stress test was normal.

[Assistant] But his EKG was not normal.


[User] Echo's normal.

[Assistant] Two for you, one for me. We need a tie-breaker.


[User] Echo and stress test are more reliable.

[Assistant] Tilt-table test.


[User] NEver works.

[Assistant] Bet you a week's clinic duty it does.


[User] Hah hah, you're on.

[Assistant] You like this guy? [And up.]


[User] You always tell us our opinion of the Patient is irrelevant.

[Assistant] Medically, it's irrelevant. [Down.] That says something about you. [Up.]


[User] You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?

[Assistant] Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.


[User] Hmmm. So, the great huManitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.

[Assistant] Just not as honest about it.


[User] You also always tell us motives are irrelevant. [And Sebastian is still going up!] Dr. Charles, your heart's handling the changes in orientation just fine. No pauses on your EKG. And House drives up for the lay-up and oh, rejected! [Heh, those doctors and those sports metaphors.]

[Assistant] What does this knobby thing do?


[User] I'm within protocol range; you're not going to get a different result.

[Assistant] The way I figure it is, if this could show you pRoblems at 6, imagine what could happen if you crank it to10. [The table starts going up and down much faster.]


[User] House, is that you?

[Assistant] Does it go to 11?


[User] Okay, I'm getting dizzy, I can't see, I'm gonna pass out.

[Assistant] I win.


[User] At those speeds, astronauts throw up.

[Assistant] I'm not talking about the nausea. [He points to the screen with the readout.]


[User] You were wrong.

[Assistant] Hey, I have feelings. I'm trying my best. Isn't that enough for you?


[User] It's not sick sinus syndrome.

[Assistant] Well, thank God we found out before we put the pacemaker in. And thank God you dragged him into a stairwell to get his heart racing.


[User] Why would you say he's selfish?

[Assistant] Because he's been talking to Foreman. [The phone rings.]


[User] No I haven't, I'm just giving my opinion. This kind of altruism doesn't just naturally "�

[Assistant] Excellent briefing.


[User] Hey, the guy's still sick. Can we talk about that? The headaches point to a neurological pRoblem. Acoustic neuroma. Brian tumour causes dizziness, loss of consciousness, messes with breathing patterns, heart rhythms "�

[Assistant] Get an MRI. [Picks up phone] Hello? Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right down. No pRoblem, I'll do an extra hour to make up. I'm late for my clinic duty. Here, go be me for a couple hours. [He tosses Foreman his nametag, looking smug.]


[User] Yeah, there is.

[Assistant] Did I ask you to plant a PPD?


[User] It was positive, he's got TB!

[Assistant] Well, of course he's got TB! The guy's been in the jungle for 20 years! If he tested positive for pink-eye would you think that was his big pRoblem?


[User] I did a test, it was positive, why is that a pRoblem?

[Assistant] Because now he's got the big red target on his arm, the stubborn jerk thinks he's right! He won't let us do any more tests.


[User] Well, maybe he's not the only stubborn jerk. [House does an exaggerated "what, me?"� kind of gesture.] I did an LP2: low glucose and he has an increased sed rate. Everything screams tuberculosis!

[Assistant] Not Everything!


[User] If any of the symptoms are caused by the TB it would throw off our diagnosis.

[Assistant] You're right. Got to treat the TB.


[User] Who knows, maybe he'll just get better.

[Assistant] You'd like that, wouldn't you? [Cameron leaves.]


[User] So it's TB, but not TB?

[Assistant] I'm compliCated.


[User] The guy does know tuberculosis. If he says it can Manifest itself "�

[Assistant] He's not Even a real doctor, he's a huMan telethon.


[User] Is that your pRoblem with him? You see hypocrites Every day, why is this guy so special?

[Assistant] You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The pRoblem is there are 26 letters in the alphabet and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of Patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It's cheating.


[User] So it's all because he's one of them useless specialists?

[Assistant] Oh, did I hurt the big time oncologist's itty bitty feelings? [House, at this point, start covering his steak with salad greens.] You're a big help to Patients who actually have cancer. Other times you're just annoying. [Cuddy walks up.]


[User] You've outdone yourself.

[Assistant] I'll say. My salad's covering a free t-bone steak.


[User] Cecelia Carter, remember her?

[Assistant] Last week they said it was "Mystery Stew"�, they owe me.


[User] That doesn't sound like you!

[Assistant] Then it pRobably wasn't.


[User] I get that you like to shock people. Stun them out of complacency, out of stupidity. But this Woman thought she had cancer, she had a lump in her breast! What were you trying to accomplish?

[Assistant] Let me ask you something: if this were another doctor, if this Patient were complaining about, let's say, I don't know, Foreman, you'd just dismiss this as the paranoid bitParkng of another paranoid bitch and file it under 'P' for "�


[User] Paranoid?

[Assistant] Am not.


[User] You're right.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] What did you do to Ceci?

[Assistant] I have no idea. [to the cashier] Just a salad today, big breakfast.


[User] He figures the pharmaceuticals need something big to force them into action. This'll get a lot more media play than a thousand African villagers dying. [The phone rings. Chase checks the caller ID "� it's Newsweek!]

[Assistant] So he won't take the pills.


[User] Newsweek's calling you!

[Assistant] And he won't agree to any more tests.


[User] He has his diagnosis.

[Assistant] See what happens when you don't listen to me?


[User] Maybe millions of lives get saved "�

[Assistant] Yeah, that's my point. Increased heart rate, night sweats, loss of consciousness! besides rough sex, what do they all have in common?


[User] T "�

[Assistant] It's not TB!


[User] Fabry's, autonomic disregulation syndrome, shy-drager syndrome, it doesn't matter. He won't let us test him. [The phone begins to ring again. House picks up.]

[Assistant] [on phone] In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot. Yeah, you can quote me. C-u-d-d-y. [Chase and Foreman laugh to themselves.] Sebastian is refusing life-saving treatment.


[User] He's refusing TB treatment. You don't think he has TB, ergo you should care less.

[Assistant] He won't let me test him.


[User] And what do you want me to do about it?

[Assistant] Hold him down.


[User] Have you apologized to Cecelia Carter yet?

[Assistant] Trust me; she doesn't want to hear it from me. Look, the guy is killing himself, am I the only one who realizes this is a bad thing? [Cuddy begins to put on lipstick.] If he was a Christian Scientist refusing meds we'd have 18 attorneys!. You're putting on make-up. That's not a good sign for my side, is it?


[User] Sebastian has called a press conference for 3. He's asked me to be there to confirm the diagnosis and the prognosis.

[Assistant] You are as big a media whore as he is.


[User] Of course I am. It couldn't possibly be that I think he's right and I'd like to be a small part of what he's doing.

[Assistant] Oh, whores can like the sex. Doesn't mean they're not whores. And with that eye shadow! I am totally screwed, aren't I?


[User] [takes Cameron's hand]Thank you. [House notices the cozy scene and decides to intervene.]

[Assistant] You want third-world treatment? [turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Jani!


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] What am I doing? [He knocks all of Sebastian's things off of the tray of the bed.] Putting Everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!


[User] You think he's a hypocrite?

[Assistant] [unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, Everyone in Africa's got cell phones or running water. [Speaking of cell phones, it just got dropped in the toilet. It's a tight fit, though, so House prods it down the hole with his cane.] Hah, this thing just will not flush.


[User] Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon Everything that matters to me?

[Assistant] [wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening Everything they're going through by pretending you are.


[User] I am the same, I'm not special.

[Assistant] You can't deMand to be treated like any third-world sick person and call a press conference!


[User] [on TV] No, I have no intention of martyring myself, I'm just putting myself!

[Assistant] [keeps snapping] Sure, they're dying, but it's got a great beat.


[User] Must be hot as hell under those lights.

[Assistant] Yup. [Foreman enters.]


[User] Hey, why the page? He okay?

[Assistant] He's in a coma. I need you to apologize to Ceci, Cecily!


[User] Mrs. Carter? For what?

[Assistant] For whatEver I did.


[User] You didn't do anything.

[Assistant] That has been my position all along.


[User] [on TV] X-rays are negative, so he's not contagious at this point, his condition's currently stable "�

[Assistant] Do you notice how all the self-sacrificing women in history "� Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, can't think of any others "� they all die alone. The men on the other hand get so much fuzz it's crazy.


[User] House, she was scared and unreasonable.

[Assistant] Insulting a Woman with breast cancer "� that's a move best left to the pros. Frankly, you don't have the chops.


[User] I didn't insult her! I did the unnecessary biopsy, like she wanted. [House moves to change the tint on the TV.] It was negative, like I knew it would be.

[Assistant] What did you do, call 'em perky? You are years away from mad skills [Ed. "� m4d sk1llz?] like that. I need you to apologize.


[User] You know, Cuddy's only doing this because she thinks it's you.

[Assistant] Welcome to the world. Everyone's different, Everyone gets treated different. You try fighting that, you end up dying of TB. [House hits the TV.]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Testing the Patient's autonomic nervous system.


[User] Of course.

[Assistant] His internal heating and ventilation should be off, shouldn't be able to sweat. That's why he's got that awful body powder. Take it away, crank up the heat, stick him under the lights, can't cool himself. He should be turning bright red.


[User] Dr. House, I would appreciate it if you left the room.

[Assistant] He's sweating like a pig.


[User] Did they hear me? The media, did they listen?

[Assistant] He's disoriented.


[User] They, they have to hear me.

[Assistant] His arteries are clamping down. [A monitor starts beeping.]


[User] I want Everybody out of here, now!

[Assistant] Get the crash cart, he's having a cardiac arrest! [More beeping.]


[User] I've got sinus rhythm.

[Assistant] [in the camera's face] That is not TB!


[User] Do whatEver tests you want.

[Assistant] I want to treat you for TB. Dr. Cameron found low sugar in your cerebrospinal fluid. It's a classic finding of TB.


[User] And now you think TB's the pRoblem?

[Assistant] Nah. If TB caused cardiac arrest on a hot day, your work in Africa would be Even more futile than it already is.


[User] Can you get to your point, please?

[Assistant] That white board in my office, we're up to about a dozen symptoms now. Cardiac arrest, clearly not TB. CSF sugar clearly is TB. The rest of them could go either way. Unless we know which ones are which I can't diagnose you. [He holds out the pills, which Sebastian takes and places on the tray next to him.]


[User] I'll take any other tests or treatments you might want to prescribe.

[Assistant] So you're not special, but TB is.


[User] People die of TB because we let them, it's our choice.

[Assistant] People die of malaria because we let them, they die of dysentery "�


[User] Nah, TB's my disease.

[Assistant] You own a disease? Well, I'm sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fEver.


[User] Look, I know I have a way about me. I know I piss a lot of people off, and a whole lot more I just annoy. But you're the first person that I've Ever met who I think is actually annoyed by what I do. Do you think I'm not saving any lives, or is that a bad thing?

[Assistant] Right now, I'm just trying to save your life.


[User] Or do you just have a pRoblem with hope? [House rolls his eyes.] You know, the difference between our jobs is not numbers or styles. It's that I know I'm going to fail. Even if I save a million people there's going to be another million. You couldn't handle that. I think you resent anyone who can.

[Assistant] Can't we just agree that you're incredibly annoying? Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn't die of TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they'll find another disease.


[User] Why would you do that?

[Assistant] Because I'm just a mean son of a bitch. [House leaves, and Sebastian takes the pills.] So we still have to explain P-R variability, syncope, headaches, and! low sugar?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] This is good!


[User] Good? This is bizarre.

[Assistant] Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any.


[User] What else could cause low CSF sugar?

[Assistant] Uh-uh. I get to ask the questions. I've found you look a lot smarter asking the questions than dumbly not answering.


[User] How could he get high insulin lEvels? We've checked daily blood sugars, all normal!

[Assistant] See how smart she looks? Cause she asked the question.


[User] And it's not glucagonoma because he has no rash. It's not self-induced because he's not an idiot, and it's not a tumour because the CT and the MRI were both negative.

[Assistant] Which just leaves the tumour. [He leaves, they all follow.]


[User] Why do you do this? Why do you ignore what I say like I'm not Even "�

[Assistant] Small tumour. Really, really tiny. So small we can't see it. Nesidioblastoma.


[User] It only intermittently secretes insulin.

[Assistant] It responds to stress. Like if, oh, I don't know, if someone accidentally puts the mechanical bull on11. [They pile into the elevator.] Easily removed by surgery.


[User] Except, if it's so small we can't see it, how're we Even going to prove it's there?

[Assistant] "She asked, looking clEver."�


[User] We just start hacking away at his pancreas until he gets better?

[Assistant] How do you prove something exists when you can't see it? Does God exist? Does the wind blow?


[User] We know because the leaves move.

[Assistant] Look for effects. [They get out of the elevator, where Cuddy and Cecelia are moving toward them.]


[User] Uh, we should look the other way. It's Cuddy with your Patient.

[Assistant] Dr. House has an emergency.


[User] We can't avoid her forEver.

[Assistant] Eventually she'll die. You sure she doesn't have breast cancer? We think you have a tumour, easily removed surgically. We're going to poke it with a stick.


[User] And if there's no tumour?

[Assistant] Nothing happens. Splenic artery, it's a hard left off the celiac. [Chase goes for the artery.]


[User] If there is a tumor?

[Assistant] What usually happens when you poke something with a stick? It pokes back.


[User] He's stuck in the superior mesenteric.

[Assistant] I knew we should have stopped for directions. Men.


[User] I'm there.

[Assistant] We're going to inject calcium into your pancreas. The beta cells will release insulin. If there are too Many beta cells because of a tumor, your blood sugar will drop precipitously.


[User] How do we know it won't go too low?

[Assistant] Fingers and toes crossed.[to Chase] Go ahead. [Chase injects the calcium. CGI shot of it entering the artery.]


[User] Glucose is holding steady at 75.

[Assistant] No leaves rustling. Blow harder.


[User] I already gave him 1 amp.

[Assistant] Well, I guess now would be the time to give him more than 1 amp. [CGI of more calcium entering.]


[User] I'm going to start him on a glucose drip. He's going to seize

[Assistant] Not yet.


[User] He's continuing to drop.

[Assistant] Not fast enough. [Monitor beeps.]


[User] He's at 40, 38, 35![Monitor gets to 30, before -- ]

[Assistant] Push an amp of D-50, you want to kill the guy? [CGI of the meds entering the system.]


[User] We're back to 40.

[Assistant] Congratulations, you have a tumor. Are you going to go out with him?


[User] Is that any of your business?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] I don't think so.

[Assistant] Two days ago you were holding his hand. What's changed?


[User] He practically lives in Africa, there's no future.

[Assistant] On the other hand, maybe there's too much of a future now. You weren't attracted to him because he was prepared to die for a cause, you were attracted to him because he was actually doing it.


[User] Right. It's that simple.

[Assistant] That was simple?


[User] I put a label on them and go from there.

[Assistant] Everybody does it. We are who people think we are. People think he's a great doctor so they give him stuff.


[User] He is a great doctor.

[Assistant] The reality is irrelevant. [House looks into the clinic and sees Cecelia sitting there.] I'll prove it. People who know me see me as an ass, treat me as an ass. People who don't know me see a cripple, treat me as a cripple. What kind of selfish jerk wouldn't take advantage of that fact? [He enters the clinic, and walks by Cecelia, deliberately leaning his cane on her boot.]


[User] Ow!

[Assistant] Oh, my goodness, are you okay?


[User] Yeah. [Cuddy comes to her door.]

[Assistant] [exaggerated, toward Cuddy]I am so sorry. It was completely my fault.


[User] It's nothing, I'm fine.

[Assistant] Well, I'm very reliEved, I feel terrible.


[User] Don't worry about it, I'm fine.

[Assistant] You sure? Okay. [They shake hands. Cuddy and House make faces at each other. As House leaves, Cuddy walks through her office door to Cecelia.]


[User] Thank you, thank you, I appreciate that. I appreciate the support.

[Assistant] It's not about the kids dying Every 8 seconds, it's about the media stroking. Adulation and pats on the head.


[User] That's your pRoblem with him, isn't it?

[Assistant] Look at him, he loves it. Eats it up.


[User] Yeah, the Man actually enjoys what he does. [Pointed look.]

[Assistant] Listen, I saved his life. That means I get credit for Every life he saves from here on out.


[User] No, MRI showed no white matter lesions, and the shocks aren't accompanied by neck flexing.

[Assistant] Good morning!


[User] It's almost noon.

[Assistant] Really? That must be why I'm so hungry. Who's up for lunch?


[User] What's with the jacket?

[Assistant] [poses] It keeps me warm, and cool. How does it know?


[User] We're discussing your new Patient.

[Assistant] Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new Patient.


[User] You accepted him the moment I loaned you five grand.

[Assistant] Oh, wait, wait, when I said I'd do anything for the money, obviously I didn't mean it.


[User] Bad night at poker, or great night with a hooker?

[Assistant] Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke. [Chase smiles, and House turns to Wilson] College student? Nitrous oxide is fun at parties. 'Cause the shocks and drinking 'til you puke Every night can cause Everything else. Give him some B12.


[User] Been there done that, also ruled out cancer, MS, pyridoxine toxicity, and all the popular neuropathies.

[Assistant] [sighs] Cervical spondylosis?


[User] Doesn't explain the low white count.

[Assistant] He's black, I'm assuming he's not just really dirty, but is of African descent. Which means he'd have a lower white count.


[User] Not this low.

[Assistant] He's a wrestler, pRobably uses diuretics to cut weight, can also cause low white count.


[User] Not this low.

[Assistant] [Mockingly] Not this low. Tieshets(??).


[User] No external outbreak.

[Assistant] Something's missing. Find out what it is. [Tosses the chart on the table in front of the ducklings.]


[User] Uh, I don't Even know what that means.

[Assistant] Well figure it out, find it out, and then find me, I'll be at lunch.


[User] Well this, this is perfect.

[Assistant] Invite me to dinner Thursday night. [Wilson looks blankly at him] Come on we haven't had a nice meal together since, oh!


[User] Yesterday when I loaned you five thousand dollars to buy a new car. [Points at the bike]

[Assistant] [tosses his cane up in the air and catches it near the top, then hands it over to Wilson] My treat. [House limps over to the bike]


[User] Two-wheeled vehicles that travel 150 miles an hour don't really go well with crippled, irresponsible, drug addicts.

[Assistant] Actually two-wheeled vehicles that go 180 miles an hour do not go well with healthy responsible arParktects who don't know how to separate breaking and turning. [While he is saying this, House is lifting his right leg over the bike, and settling down onto the seat.] Good news is, it brings the price right down.


[User] You're taking it back.

[Assistant] [Mock whining] Moooom! How about we talk about this over dinner.


[User] Nice bike!

[Assistant] Thank you. See that's how you do it, compliments, dinner.


[User] What do you do with your cane?

[Assistant] If he buys me dinner, he'll find out. [House takes his cane back from Wilson and twirls it, then clicks it into place on the side of the bike. A special holder is there for that purpose.] Evel KniEvel had the same setup.


[User] We went though all the imaging studies, and re-did blood cultures.

[Assistant] I don't want hand-me-downs. I want brand new stuff.


[User] Well there's nothing [House revs the engine louder] There's nothing![House revs the engine again.]

[Assistant] Sorry I didn't catch that last part!


[User] There's nothing [Engine revs again, Foreman gives up and stops speaking and House stops revving the engine. Everyone including Wilson starts to smile, Foreman tries again] There's nothing else we can do.

[Assistant] You checked the police report?


[User] On what?

[Assistant] On his mom's car accident.


[User] It was 15 years ago, the kid wasn't Even in the car

[Assistant] She veered off a straight dry road in broad daylight. That doesn't seem odd to you?


[User] She pRobably got distracted changing radio stations or something.

[Assistant] That's what the police thought. Of course, they didn't know that she has a family member who is frequently incapacitated by shock-like sensations


[User] Genetic component seems unlikely

[Assistant] It's interesting. Type 2 neurofibromatosis could cause the shocks.