[User] [Playing $25,000 Pyramid] Things you use to make bratwurst.

[Assistant] [sits on steps with a sigh] There's no sign of infection. It's not a metabolic or autoimmune disease. It's definitely not cancer. I think.


[User] Definitely not cancer.

[Assistant] [indicating the vending maParkne] Aren't you going to pick?


[User] I'm thinking. Is there a ticking clock?

[Assistant] You already put your money in. You nEver do that until you decide.


[User] That's very observant of you. Too bad you distracted me. Now I'm! thinking I might change my mind.

[Assistant] There's nothing healthy in that maParkne.


[User] No, there's not. [He makes a selection.]

[Assistant] Gummi bears. You hate gummi bears.


[User] People can change.

[Assistant] No. And more importantly, I hate them.


[User] [smiling slightly] Oh, fine. Then I won't offer you any.

[Assistant] You Manipulative bitch. [Wilson's smile gets much broader.] You're not suddenly eating healthy because you want to. You're eating healthy because you know I don't want to. I've been mooParkng food for ten years. [He stands.] Now, either it suddenly started bothering you this week or you're �


[User] Screwing with you. It needed to be done. After Amber died, I withdrew, tried to change Everything, hoping I'd sort it out. Find some deeper truth. It was a mistake. I should have gone back to normal, to here and now, because that's all we can Every really count on. Things need to get back to normal in your life. And! what could be more normal than me screwing with you and you figuring it out?

[Assistant] [admiringly] You Manipulative bitch.


[User] It means, Even if we figure this out, you'll have to stop protesting anywhere not near a hospital.

[Assistant] [entering] Hi! Got a few questions.


[User] Uh, we're about to start doing �

[Assistant] A hopefully pointless medical procedure. Your life and my mojo hang in the balance. Pesticides are evil, which means that commercial flowers are doused in evil. But plant life is nature's answer to evil. So you have a garden.


[User] No, we live in an apartment.

[Assistant] A window box, then.


[User] No.

[Assistant] [grasping at a straw] Potted plants?


[User] Nothing. The commercial growers �

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. They're evil. Yeah, got it.


[User] House, I really don't think we have time for this.

[Assistant] [to Taub] Your marriage sucks.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] All marriages suck. [to Doug and Franni] Your marriage sucks.


[User] I love her.

[Assistant] He loves a tree in Oregon more than he loves you. But he can't have sex with it. Unless it's that slutty oak outside Portland.


[User] You wanna get to your point?

[Assistant] She's had enough. She's gonna leave. Or maybe she's jut not putting out. WhatEver. You gotta make it right, right away. You gotta compromise that precious flower principle.


[User] [long pause] Once. [to Franni] Three weeks ago. Our anniversary. I missed the dinner to be at that rally. You planned it for months. You were mad. Really mad. I bought you flowers. I brought them home. You were gone. So was your suitcase. I tossed them and bought you the earrings.

[Assistant] Roses? [Doug nods.] Yes. You have sporotrichosis. It's an infection from the thorn of the rose which, by any other name, is still a cheap marital aid.


[User] The flowers are what gave me �

[Assistant] Lesion on your eighth cranial nerve knocks out your balance. Another on your phrenic nerve gives you serial hiccups. We then spread it to your bones and heart with steroids and insulin-like growth factor.


[User] Please tell us that this is good news.

[Assistant] It's good news for him. It's good news for future generations. It's crappy news for you. He's gonna be fine. And he'll nEver doubt himself again.


[User] There you go.

[Assistant] Damn. I was hoping I would interrupt something. [He closes the door on the Patient and tosses a file on the exam table.] Your favor's repaid. Patient's cured. He's already packing for another Earth Day extravaganza next week.


[User] He almost died. He can't take a few days at home with his family?

[Assistant] People only change after trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or if they've watched too Many afterschool specials.


[User] You talking about Chase?

[Assistant] I'm talking about you. You lost husband number one. No surprise that the death of a colleague would make you question another long-term lease.


[User] I told you I nEver wanted to dump Chase.

[Assistant] Absolutely. You want him to dump you. It's totally different. Much less guilt. Either way, you're out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a pretty dumb one to begin with. [He leaves, closing the door behind him.]


[User] [voice over] House. House. I know you're not asleep.

[Assistant] [without opening his eyes] That insight would be a lot more impressive if you weren't just a product of my exhausted brain.


[User] Aren't you curious about why I'm here?

[Assistant] Curious why no French maid's outfit. No spanky pants.


[User] I'm a hallucination, not a fantasy.

[Assistant] It's insomnia. Four nights without REM sleep can cause�


[User] That might explain why you're hallucinating. Doesn't explain why you're hallucinating Wilson's dead girlfriend.

[Assistant] PRobably just my secret and very unconscious desire to get Wilson into my bedroom.


[User] Or maybe your guilt over Kutner's suicide reminds you how guilty you felt about me.

[Assistant] Who cares why you're here. A decent night's sleep, you won't be.


[User] Need some coffee?

[Assistant] Addictive substances are no substitute for nature's healing balm. [He takes a Vicodin] Make this fast. I need to sleep.


[User] Deaf 14-year-old started hearing imaginary explosions.

[Assistant] Exploding head syndrome. Cool. Well, obviously his brain knows how to hear.


[User] Damn imaginary pen.

[Assistant] [glances at her then back at the chart] Mom's signature's on Everything. Did Dad die?


[User] No, doubt it. He was a sperm donor. Medical records couldn't be cleaner.

[Assistant] So we're left with temporal lobe seizure.


[User] Someone at the wrestling meet would have noticed a seizure.

[Assistant] Could have just looked like a bad shot to the leg. Put him in the seizure lab. See if his head blows up all over again.


[User] You're going to ignore your own subconscious? Gonna be the limp leading the blind.

[Assistant] I need a scrip for sleeping pills. My neighbor's dog's been keeping me awake and seems strangely invulnerable to poison. [Wilson puts the file on the table and goes to his desk.] Why is the soon-to-be-second-prettiest Dr. Chase here?


[User] Why did he close that file?

[Assistant] Wedding in two weeks? I'd say you were pregnant but I don't think Chase's body is mature enough to produce sperm.


[User] Drugs with no lecture? He wants you out.

[Assistant] Interesting case?


[User] Pencil cup.

[Assistant] Ho! No wonder his prostate's enlarged. It's full of pool cues and cigars. [The folder holds flyers from various venues.]


[User] Chase's best Man doesn't get here till the day of the wedding so I asked Wilson to throw his bachelor party.

[Assistant] No retired ministers available to plan it?


[User] Chase doesn't want some big, raucous party.

[Assistant] So she says. Luckily, there are people in this world ready to stand up for what's right.


[User] No, no, no. I don't want � I don't want you to�

[Assistant] Listen. There are two things I do well. Bachelor parties rank! towards the top.


[User] Doctors, doctors. He can't see. One of his eyes.

[Assistant] The limp leading the blind.


[User] Is that supposed to mean something?

[Assistant] So exploding head syndrome plus vision loss.


[User] We should do an angio�

[Assistant] [grabbing the bottle] Knock yourselves out. [He goes into one of the treatment rooms, shuts the door and leans against it.] How did I know he was gonna go blind? [Nothing] Don't get cute, Gazoo. You're in my mind. You're obviously there.


[User] C-reactive protein. I noticed in his file it was slightly elevated. I figured the stress of the seizure lab would drive inflammation Even higher. Lead to optic neuritis.

[Assistant] That's a lot clearer than "the limp leading the blind."�


[User] It was just a glimmer. I couldn't put it into words.

[Assistant] It was a long shot. I don't Even remember the c-reactive protein lEvel.


[User] Obviously you do. You just don't know it.

[Assistant] How high is K2?


[User] I don't know.

[Assistant] Me neither. But I read a book about it years ago. Fierce, sexy Sherpa on the cover, bending over�


[User] 28,251 feet.

[Assistant] Cool. An all-access pass to my own brain.


[User] Go play the kid some music.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] House, what are you doing?

[Assistant] What does it look like I'm doing? Fighting the power.


[User] You're an ass. [She reaches over to turn off the music. Seth stops her and signs.] He says he feels the vibrations in his abdomen, but not his hands. What does that mean?

[Assistant] [removing the glasses and turning off the boom box] It's a new symptom. Neuropathy.


[User] Thought you were gonna get some sleep.

[Assistant] Case got interesting. Like the zoo. Except you can bang on the glass as much as you want.


[User] How did you know about the neuropathy?

[Assistant] Good question.


[User] Enough with the riddles.

[Assistant] Tell me about it.


[User] Think "wrestling record."�

[Assistant] Juggling. No, pins. Three pins. Patient was pinned in his last three matches. Leading up to that he was 15 and 0. I figured his balance was off from diminished sensation.


[User] Could be increased ICP from a brain tumor.

[Assistant] That we missed on the head CT?


[User] Cutting weight for wrestling could have led to rhabdomyolysis.

[Assistant] He just went up a weight class three months ago.


[User] Foreman's right.

[Assistant] Actually, increased ICP could make sense.


[User] You just said�

[Assistant] I was processing.


[User] It also puts a new symptom on the table.

[Assistant] His deafness. What if it was caused by NF2 cancer instead of his Parkldhood meningitis?


[User] So meningitis was a coincidence?

[Assistant] Or a byproduct of the cancer suppressing his immune system. MRI his head.


[User] If you're right about NF2, his deafness may be rEversible. I'll set it up and talk to the Patient.

[Assistant] You two! doing anything?


[User] Imaging shows slightly elevated ICP, but no masses on or around the nerves. It's not cancer.

[Assistant] Slight bowing in the wall of the fourth ventricle could still indiCate a tumor.


[User] No skirts.

[Assistant] You're not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient and sacred male rite of passage.


[User] [Looking at the picture of a stripper] Oh, God, not her.

[Assistant] She's the one that got me hooked in with Madoff.


[User] Taub's right. It's not cancer.

[Assistant] Yeah, by all means, abandon a great diagnostic theory because it's difficult to prove. Do a biopsy. We need to take a better look at his fourth ventricle.


[User] Patient broke his nose years ago. Hospital could have done an MRI.

[Assistant] [exhales] Okay. [He gathers up Seth's films.]


[User] The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House's bachelor party. [long pause] Have you seen Caligula?

[Assistant] [entering] My Patient's brain now! versus three years ago. [he puts films on the light board.] See any difference? [to Chase] Is he telling you to avoid the party?


[User] I took an oath to do no harm.

[Assistant] Sure. Don't come. If you want your wedding vows to be meaningless.


[User] This should be interesting.

[Assistant] You are going to commit to that one special Woman forEver. Which is beautiful. But if your commitment the day after the wedding is the same as your commitment the day before, then the wedding meant nothing. So, and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before.


[User] [who has been studying the films through all this] The wall of the fourth ventricle changed. It isn't bowed in the older scan.

[Assistant] Evidence of NF2, right?


[User] You'd need to do a brain biopsy to confirm. [House takes the scans] Uh, I'm not going to the bachelor party. Every time I go to one of your parties, I end up embarrassing myself in some new and unexpected way.

[Assistant] [opening the door] That whole thing with the duck was hardly unexpected.


[User] I'm not going.

[Assistant] Okay.


[User] Do you know who we need? [She and House are in the observation balcony] That stripper you got for Wilson's bachelor party. You could do body shots right off her.

[Assistant] Why go back to that well? In the nine years since Wilson's party, a whole new generation of hot girls have been abused by their stepfathers.


[User] She loved cats.

[Assistant] What made you remember the stripper loved cats?


[User] [on speaker.] Ahem, House? You, uh, entertaining yourself up there?

[Assistant] [turning on the intercom with his cane] Just rehearsing for the revival of Evita. What'd you find?


[User] He's going to go through life deaf.

[Assistant] He's okay with that.


[User] He has no idea what he's missing. His mom's a moron. He's gonna pay for her stupidity for the rest of his life? Are *we* okay with that?

[Assistant] [thinks then turns on intercom] Why are you closing? Supposed to put in a cochlear implant.


[User] Wasn't in the paperwork.

[Assistant] Really? Well, someone must have screwed up. I'll go track it down.


[User] I'll wait.

[Assistant] That's a great idea. Let the kid spend more time under anesthesia with his skull cracked open.


[User] I'll wait.

[Assistant] I have been known to lie to serve my own agenda. An implant does absolutely nothing to help me diagnose him.


[User] Her son didn't want the implant.

[Assistant] If he still doesn't want it, after having time to adjust, I'll take it out. I'll blind him too if he wants to experience that culture.


[User] Remove it now.

[Assistant] Kid's just had brain surgery. He's not stable.


[User] Understand, Dr. House? [he's in a fog] House. Focus. I need you to say you accept the arrangement.

[Assistant] No pRoblem. [to Ellie] You're not mad.


[User] I'm mad.

[Assistant] Not mad enough. You wanted your son to hear. You just didn't have the guts to make him get the implant.


[User] Why did you do this?

[Assistant] Because he is ignorant and he's being raised by an idiot.


[User] Not good enough. You always have�

[Assistant] [shouting] My Patient is opting into a handicap! It's an insult to all the other gimps out there.


[User] Okay. But I'm still putting Foreman in charge of the case.

[Assistant] That's the arrangement? [she nods slightly] Okay.


[User] You're okay with Foreman in charge? Who you calling? Oh! Right. You don't want to look like a lunatic.

[Assistant] Yeah, about that!


[User] You think we did the wrong thing?

[Assistant] I'm not sure. [they enter the elevator] I'm not Even sure why we did it.


[User] Well, that argument you made to Cuddy sounded pretty good.

[Assistant] To you, maybe. Huh. I figured by now you'd be at the board in your monocle and jodhpurs.


[User] Why did you do it?

[Assistant] Why did I give a huMan being the power of hearing? You ask God the same question, he'll give you the same answer.


[User] I agree. Taffy? [She's stretParkng a long piece of pink taffy.]

[Assistant] I agree.


[User] Go ahead. Start him on ribavirin for Epstein-Barr.

[Assistant] Keep making decisions like that. It really bolsters the illusion that you're in charge. Why aren't you in my office?


[User] Because I know what the word "my"� means.

[Assistant] I did something insane, and you're not all over me analyzing why.


[User] It was nice.

[Assistant] I gave that idiot an implant to prove to him what an idiot he's been. How is that nice?


[User] Doesn't sound like us.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] And you're okay with that?

[Assistant] [opening the door] What choice do I have? [He and Amber leave]


[User] Kid's dehydrated but stable. Thankfully, the fountain of whiz seems to have stopped for the moment.

[Assistant] Not before hosing Epstein-Barr off the table. Now eat up. We're gonna pick out the ice cream flavors for the bachelor party. [He sticks a spoon in each container. They each taste some.]


[User] Could be systemic autoimmune disease, sarcoido � This tastes like! vodka.

[Assistant] Well, it would be stupid if it tasted like bourbon. That's the brown one.


[User] It is vodka?

[Assistant] Flash frozen in a secret process. Guy figured it out in his basement. [He swallows a spoonful of yellow ice cream] Limoncello. Genius.


[User] It happened at night. That was the clue. Night, recumbent body position, changes in BP

[Assistant] [long pause] It's his heart. [He looks at the team. They're back to normal] Run a 12-lead EKG, watch him for four hours. Foreman concurs. What the hell just happened? Everything started to fade away.


[User] You're getting better at focusing. Ignoring Everything that doesn't matter. [She sees Chase approaParkng] Uh-oh. He looks pissed. I think he might hit us.

[Assistant] Is your eyesight better than mine?


[User] We need to talk about the bachelor party.

[Assistant] Excellent topic choice. Surgery's so boring and my lying to you is just so yesterday.


[User] It's my fault for letting you talk me into the implant. Cameron is not going to be happy about this party.

[Assistant] But you, on the other hand�


[User] Plan on spending the rest of my life with Cameron.

[Assistant] So! I need to cancel the fart band?


[User] So! I need you to kidnap me.

[Assistant] Spoken like a true Aussie. By the way, if you know where I can get me the sheet music to Waltzing Matilda! [Chase starts to leave] Hey. Want some ice cream? We're having a sundae bar. [He tosses Chase a pint.]


[User] [snapping her fingers] That's her name.

[Assistant] Sundae or bar?


[User] Karamel.

[Assistant] With a "K."�


[User] You still haven't slept?

[Assistant] [burps loudly] And then I have a clEver response. [He opens another can.]


[User] His heart's not fine.

[Assistant] The heart was fine during this test. The arrhythmia's hiding.


[User] Treadmill.

[Assistant] Or, the arrhythmia is hiding. We need to stress him. Put the Patient on a treadmill.


[User] The Patient just had brain surgery. A stress test could cause a brain bleed and kill him.

[Assistant] I value your opinion. I value rejecting your opinion.


[User] You're not doing this. You haven't been sleeping�

[Assistant] Cuddy doesn't actually want you in charge. She just wants to avoid a lawsuit and to win an NAACP award.


[User] And if I let you risk our Patient's life testing an organ we already tested, we accomplish neither. Run a thyroid panel.

[Assistant] How do we get him into the stress lab without Foreman's sign-off.


[User] We could kill Foreman. [House gives her a look. They pass a pretty blonde.] Is she new?

[Assistant] Focus. The lab simulates stress. What if it's not simulated?


[User] We could tell him his girlfriend dumped him.

[Assistant] That's a tough sell since she nEver leaves the room for more than five minutes.


[User] We could kill her. [another look from House] Or! Asthma meds. Force the heart to beat faster.

[Assistant] REvealing the arrhythmia. [whispers] Nice idea.


[User] Actually, I think we just saved it. [she turns to the monitor]

[Assistant] Look at that. Arrhythmia.


[User] You were right about the heart. Should have listened to you.

[Assistant] The correct phrasing would be, "I should always listen to you."�


[User] Should do a VQ scan, see if his lungs are clear.

[Assistant] Go. You sure I did this at Wilson's party?


[User] Last time you used grain alcohol instead of the Sambuca.

[Assistant] And it worked?


[User] [shrugs] This is why we're rehearsing. Ever wonder what's happening Every time our Patient gets sicker?

[Assistant] [trying to stay ahead of the flames] Not right now!


[User] First symptom, wrestling. Then, under the lights of the seizure lab�

[Assistant] Are you going somewhere with this? Because this feels�


[User] Just keep doing what you're doing. It helps. Then, under the stress of blindness! and post-op fEver. What do all the symptoms have in common?

[Assistant] [has finally put out the fire. He thinks] Heat. See, if you hadn't been here that would have just popped into my head. Which actually would have been way cooler. [He takes out his phone and dials] Foreman. The kid's got Uhthoff Phenomenon. Which means it's MS. Start him on double-dose interferon. [He hangs up]


[User] Let's get our drink on.

[Assistant] Not before I've added "chemical burns"� to this guy's cause of death.


[User] [to Foreman] Don't let House get him in too much trouble.

[Assistant] Allow me to welcome you to the best night of your life. [He pours the flaming alcohol into a tumbler.]


[User] A-huh. [He covers the glass with his hand, putting out the flame. Then he drinks it in one swallow. House has him in a one-armed hug.]

[Assistant] Now, ah, a few ground rules for the Evening. Uh, safety is job one. We've now gone for 18 days without an injury in the workplace. [The door opens and Wilson slowly walks in. He looks around while House speaks. Foreman and Thirteen clink glasses and drink.] Uh, yes, these girls are all working their way through law school. Don't test them.


[User] House!

[Assistant] [smiling as he leans past the glasses so he can see Wilson] I knew you couldn't stay away.


[User] [waves House over with his patented two-finger gesture] This is my apartment. You can't do this.

[Assistant] Clearly, reality begs to differ.


[User] Where's my furniture?

[Assistant] Out back somewhere.


[User] You should be out there, enjoying the lap dances of your labors.

[Assistant] Eh. I kinda like it in here.


[User] [sitting in the other end of the tub with a matParkng bottle] Me too. To us, figuring out MS.

[Assistant] And the blindness and neuropathy and arrhythmia and anything else we did. [they drink] What exactly did my team do?


[User] House, you in there?

[Assistant] Use the other bathroom. It's in the kitchen. Looks like a sink.


[User] Chase went into anaphylactic shock from the stripper's body butter or something.

[Assistant] Is he okay?


[User] One of the residents had an epi pen, so he's fine but we're taking him to the hospital to be safe.

[Assistant] [quietly] Okay. [long pause] I knew that Chase was allergic to strawberries, didn't I? [Amber shrugs slightly] That's why you wanted Karamel at this party.


[User] I suggested Karamel 'cause she was great at Wilson's party.

[Assistant] I knew about her body butter. I knew about his strawberry allergy. I tried to kill Chase. Why would I do that? I don't want Cameron.


[User] You're not a big fan of other people's happiness, either.

[Assistant] Hello. [pause] You confirm? [pause] Thanks. [hangs up] That kid we saved! He's dying. It's not MS. We were wrong.


[User] Turn around. You need to go to the hospital.

[Assistant] I need to sleep. [He enters the apartment and closes the door in Amber's face.]


[User] I'm you. You can't just shut a door.

[Assistant] You tried to kill Chase. I need to push you back down. You're dangerous. [his cell phone rings]


[User] It's the hospital.

[Assistant] Not answering. [he answers on the second ring] Hello?


[User] I'm here with your team, trying to sober them up so they can help treat your dying Patient.

[Assistant] Foreman's dying Patient.


[User] House, are you there?

[Assistant] It's not eosinophilic pneumonitis. I gotta crash.


[User] House, don't hang up. We need your help.

[Assistant] I can't.


[User] We can solve this.

[Assistant] Good night. [He hangs up and picks up his cane.]


[User] Usually responds to corticosteroids and methotrexate. I'll start the meds.

[Assistant] I need sleeping pills. I was gonna hit up Wilson but he's not answering his phone.


[User] He must have left it in his pants. Which he wasn't wearing when the police found him trying to walk home! oddly, from his own apartment.

[Assistant] [looks at Amber guiltily] Pills.


[User] Your Patient's doing fine, thanks to your team.

[Assistant] It wasn't eosinophilic pneumonitis, was it?


[User] Sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] House, please talk to me.

[Assistant] I haven't slept through the night since Kutner killed himself.


[User] Are you going to ignore me all day, again? I help you.

[Assistant] You tried to kill Chase.


[User] Doing what you wanted. That's all, boss. [She stands between him and the TV] I exist.

[Assistant] No, you don't. I acknowledge my subconscious exists. Now go away.


[User] [in the hall when House opens his door] Put the phone on the receiver, send the hookers home and get dressed. We've got a case.

[Assistant] I'm taking a personal day.


[User] Twenty-one year old star of the New York Ballet collapsed on stage.

[Assistant] I love ballet but, as someone may have mentioned, I'm taking a personal day.


[User] How long do you figure until I just! disappear?

[Assistant] [following Foreman into the vestibule] Hold on.


[User] House?

[Assistant] STD?


[User] We just said the tests were negative. You think we should!

[Assistant] No.


[User] She's a dancer. What about dehydration?

[Assistant] What about a pulmonary contusion?


[User] What about dehydration?

[Assistant] B.U.N. and creatinine are elevated but within range!


[User] Hey. I'm just the irrational part of your brain but elevated means high, right? Dehydration could hide an infection.

[Assistant] Dehydration could hide an infection. Go treat her for the obvious. IV fluids and antibiotics for the pneumonia.


[User] The door was closed for a reason.

[Assistant] Well, now it's open for a reason. We need to talk.


[User] He just told me I have kidney cancer.

[Assistant] Then you'll obviously need a moment to process.


[User] House!

[Assistant] I'm hallucinating.


[User] I'm! I'll be right back. [He follows House into the hall. House closes the office door.]

[Assistant] I need you to sit in on my differentials, double-check Everything I do.


[User] You can't treat Patients.

[Assistant] It's gotta be sleep apnea. I get a good night's sleep and I still feel exhausted. Lack of delta sleep can lead to hallucinations.


[User] Do you have any other neurological symptoms?

[Assistant] I don't think so.


[User] Aphasia?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Memory loss?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] Irritability?

[Assistant] Yeah! That one!


[User] [at the same time] You shouldn't be practicing. At least!

[Assistant] Enough! [Both Amber and Wilson stop talking.] Don't give me the look. I told you I was hallucinating.


[User] [looking behind himself] Who were you talking to?

[Assistant] Someone who's not actually here. Beyond that seems irrelevant.


[User] You know he's just going to keep asking.

[Assistant] Kutner.


[User] Good choice. He feels bad.

[Assistant] You gonna help me or not?


[User] [Sitting on the foot of the bed] I know you're wrong about sleep apnea which means you know you're wrong about sleep apnea. You're scared. Tell him you're scared.

[Assistant] [to Wilson] Can't sleep with you here.


[User] Did it work?

[Assistant] Do you see someone standing beside me?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Then, no. [Amber is standing next to him.]


[User] [entering] Patient's not responding to the antibiotics. Still can't breathe.

[Assistant] So run a test to confirm it's pneumonia.


[User] We can't do a bronc because her lungs are still collapsed.

[Assistant] Trans-tracheal aspiration.


[User] It's a great idea!

[Assistant] Regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical?


[User] Somewhere between regular and you.

[Assistant] So what's the pRoblem?


[User] Everything okay?

[Assistant] No. Our Patient can't breathe. Either do the test or come up with a better one. [Foreman leaves. House hands Wilson a list on the back of an envelope] So, we're down to infection, trauma, MS, sParkzophrenia, pills.


[User] SParkzophrenia usually Manifests younger.

[Assistant] That's why it's further down the list. We can confirm an infection with a simple blood test.


[User] An infection can be treated. Cured. Means you still got a job. Means you still got a life. Doesn't make it a better idea, just a nicer one. This the rational you talking?

[Assistant] [handing a blood drawing kit to Wilson] Can't do this on my own.


[User] The ANA was negative.

[Assistant] Focus on the lungs.


[User] You want us to ignore the fact that she's lost 80% of her skin?

[Assistant] We know it's not lung cancer. It could be a liver tumor, eats through to the lungs. Get an ultrasound of her liver. If you find masses, get a biopsy.


[User] We can't just ignore the skin. It's obviously the most significant and dangerous symptom right now.

[Assistant] I don't think it is a symptom. I think we caused it.


[User] By doing what?

[Assistant] I prescribed antibiotics.


[User] Toxic epidermal necrolysis. That's a one in a million reaction.

[Assistant] Yeah, well, maybe this is the one. Get swabs of her old skin to confirm. Where the hell were you?


[User] I do have a practice.

[Assistant] Ballerina has toxic epidermal necrolysis.


[User] Are you sure?

[Assistant] About to be.


[User] I'm sorry.

[Assistant] I feel guilty.


[User] Any other doctor? Words can hurt, you know.

[Assistant] I have no reason to feel guilty. It doesn't make any sense. Unless there's something wrong in the limbic area of my brain.


[User] Guilt as a symptom?

[Assistant] It's consistent with MS. And, since the blood tests were negative! I have to apologize. If I feel better then you're right, I was feeling an emotion. If I feel nothing, it means my limbic brain is shot. I'm Doctor House. Anyone explain to you your status?


[User] [sitting next to House] She's half dead and she's wondering if she'll Ever plie again? Healthy priorities. Let the mocking begin.

[Assistant] I'm sorry. I treated you for an infection before confirming that you had one. That's why you lost your skin. I know you're in pain. I know that I caused it. I'm sorry.


[User] Thank you?

[Assistant] [thinks then shakes his head] Nothing.


[User] Maybe you didn't mean it.

[Assistant] I meant it. Did you do a liver biopsy to confirm?


[User] [in the hall with Wilson] Couldn't. The artificial skin was too thin. She'd bleed out. Why were you talking to the Patient?

[Assistant] I think skinless women are hot. Do a trans-jugular liver biopsy. If she bleeds, at least it stays in her veins. [He looks at Wilson]


[User] Did you just check with Wilson again?

[Assistant] No. [Foreman leaves] I felt nothing. It's MS.


[User] Apologies aren't supposed to make you feel better. They're supposed to make the other person feel better.

[Assistant] In order to make you feel better.


[User] Why is Wilson here?

[Assistant] You were looking for cancer. I thought it would be helpful for [he gestures toward Wilson]


[User] We didn't find cancer.

[Assistant] Yes. Which you reported to me five seconds ago. Thought I'd let him finish his hors d'oeuvres before getting the bouncer to take care of him.


[User] Tried it. Didn't work. Is Cuddy making him oversee?

[Assistant] No!


[User] Then you're making him oversee your choices. You don't trust yourself. Why?

[Assistant] Wilson. Get out.


[User] Are you sure?

[Assistant] Do I need your approval to throw you out? [Wilson leaves] You happy now?


[User] It's not MS. SEvere mental illness and Vicodin are all that's left. Mental illness means you can no longer practice medicine. Vicodin means detox, which means pain for the rest of your life. Which means you can no longer practice medicine.

[Assistant] Are you saying we should kill her?


[User] No.

[Assistant] If we stopped her heart we could get our pictures and then restart it.


[User] What if we can't restart it?

[Assistant] Then she stays dead.


[User] And we only have three minutes until there's brain damage. Sure about this?

[Assistant] Yeah. We're gonna stop her heart so I can MRI it. I think it was her idea. Pneumonia was her idea and almost killed my Patient.


[User] Ooops.

[Assistant] Kutner was secretly a Woman. That's why he killed himself. [Wilson waits] It's Amber.


[User] Your subconscious picked my dead girlfriend?

[Assistant] Yeah. The irrational part of my brain works like the rational part of yours. How about that.


[User] It answers questions.

[Assistant] Who cares? I've got competing ideas. They can't both be right.


[User] Everybody gets competing ideas. Everybody has doubts.

[Assistant] So is it regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical?


[User] It's on the upper end of you radical. Do you have any alternative?

[Assistant] Nothing that anyone in my head has come up with.


[User] Then you're as safe as you can be.

[Assistant] Great. [starts to leave, turns back] You get the LP results back?


[User] Yeah. It's a big shock. You don't have MS. But while I had your blood sample, I checked your Vicodin lEvels. Way too high.

[Assistant] I need the pills.


[User] Not an argument. He knows that's not an argument.

[Assistant] It could still be sParkzophrenia.


[User] House, if you're on anti-psych meds, you're not going to be able to practice.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] You'd prefer electroshock therapy to rehab?

[Assistant] I'd prefer something that could actually work.


[User] I know that you're afraid of the pain, but electoshock?

[Assistant] Don't give me the cancer voice, that overly earnest tone.


[User] Heart attack, stroke, seizure, death or worse.

[Assistant] Worse? Double-death?


[User] Hopefully.

[Assistant] I have an idea.


[User] Stop having ideas.

[Assistant] Insulin shock.


[User] Yes. That's marginally less dangerous than ECT. Puts you in a coma, could cause!

[Assistant] Could work.


[User] If you had psychosis, which you don't.

[Assistant] I've had no diarrhea, no sweating, no vomiting. None of the symptoms of Vicodin overdose.


[User] Yeah, except the "I see dead people"� thing.

[Assistant] I've been popping pills for years. I've only been seeing things for days. Something changed.


[User] Vicodin addiction is still more likely.

[Assistant] So, we're no longer dealing in absolutes.


[User] House, I'll be up in five minutes. Then we can talk about how you'd rather be in a coma than in rehab.

[Assistant] Actually, if you could be up here in two, that'd be really helpful.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because I'm about to put myself into insulin shock.


[User] That's a shadow. Two centimeters!

[Assistant] You're only scared because you know this is going to work. [He injects the insulin in his left forearm]


[User] We're over three minutes.

[Assistant] Yes. [He begins to seize.]


[User] You could have died. [House pushes the curtain between cubicles aside and looks in.]

[Assistant] It worked. Where are my pants?


[User] Are you sure? [Picks up House's jeans]

[Assistant] She's been Everywhere I've been for days. [House sits on the edge of the gurney with his (scarless) right thigh showing. He pulls on his pants while Wilson tosses his jeans on the gurney.] She's not here, ergo!


[User] This was not the next rational step.

[Assistant] Now who's being biased? You wanted me to detox as much as I wanted! [stops dressing] Forgot how to do my zipper.


[User] Any other neurological deficit?

[Assistant] You don't seem to annoy me as usual. I'm not sure that's a deficit. [zips pants] And, I'm all better.


[User] Is she really gone?

[Assistant] Absolutely. I can feel myself repressing all kinds of icky things. I check out, don't I? [Wilson shrugs as House's beeper goes off. He checks it] Damn.


[User] She'd already been technically dead for three minutes. I thought keeping her alive took precedence over prolonging the photo op.

[Assistant] Any brain damage?


[User] No. And all tests indiCate that!

[Assistant] Obviously had more time.


[User] [giving up] Best of luck. [He leaves]

[Assistant] I assume we can't kill her again and take more pictures.


[User] Uhhh. You'll wanna check with Wilson?

[Assistant] Good one.


[User] Could be an abscess infection. Explains why it's invisible in the blood. It's doing its damage behind closed doors, sealed off.

[Assistant] See, the pRoblem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named "Lation"� which really doesn't affect me at all.


[User] We have to guess. It's all we've got. We can't do a biopsy. The last time we went into her heart she had a major cardiac Event.

[Assistant] Which just leaves!


[User] What are you looking for?

[Assistant] I don't know yet.


[User] The picture doesn't change. She lies there in pain. He sits there, worried.

[Assistant] Nothing changes. [pause] I just had an epiphany. All by myself. Popped into my head out of nothing.


[User] Care to share?

[Assistant] He's too devoted.


[User] Too devoted? You think he feels guilty?

[Assistant] Right. I'm being cynical. People can care because they care, not because they cheated. Theoretically true. But gonorrhea fits better.


[User] No. No STDs. We tested her.

[Assistant] Tested her blood.


[User] That is the test.

[Assistant] That's not where her pRoblem is. Gonorrhea disseminated to her heart. Got walled off in an abscess, it'd be invisible.


[User] And it would look like a shadow.

[Assistant] No need to test her again when we can check Prince Charming. Once you confirm, cut the abscess out of her heart.


[User] Here are your onion rings, extra well done.

[Assistant] Thank you, Molly. And another beer when you get the chance. I'm celebrating.


[User] Alone?

[Assistant] Thank goodness. [MMMBop is heard. House pulls out his cell phone.] Don't tell me, I was right.


[User] [at House's desk] Yep. Boyfriend has gonorrhea.

[Assistant] And Everyone's a winner.


[User] He's not too happy about it. He insists he's nEver cheated, must have gotten it from her.

[Assistant] Don't think so.


[User] Timing would fit. He's got no symptoms and she's dying.

[Assistant] Lying would fit too.


[User] He's not hanging out in her room anymore. [House thinks] What does it matter? You were right. We're prepping her for surgery.

[Assistant] I saw guilt in him. If he's not actually guilty, then I wasn't right. I was lucky.


[User] House, you made a brilliant deduction about her heart.

[Assistant] And if I was just lucky!


[User] Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink. The years go by [laughs] as quickly as a wink. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. [Laughs]

[Assistant] Wilson. Come get me.


[User] I know a nice facility outside Philly. I went to undergrad with one of the directors.

[Assistant] Thanks. How Many shirts do I need?


[User] Like living with Mom again. Delightful.

[Assistant] It's pRobably Foreman.


[User] He's off the case. [He closes the phone.]

[Assistant] Patient okay?


[User] He's lying.

[Assistant] Why don't I feel scared?


[User] I'd say you're unaware of what you're feeling at this moment.

[Assistant] I feel like crap. My life if falling apart, but I don't feel scared. Not of the rehab, anyway.


[User] We've always been able to find a way to cheat.

[Assistant] It won't work.


[User] House, it's your only option.

[Assistant] What do I do if my only option won't work?


[User] You don't give up.

[Assistant] Hmm. It's either that or electroshock Every six hours. Good night, Wilson.


[User] It's late and I'm tired. Can we get to the talking part of this conversation?

[Assistant] I quit.


[User] Great. My nanny is off the clock at 7:30 so your week off, bigger desk, tighter nurses' uniforms or whatEver other stupid thing you're about to deMand is going to have to wait until!

[Assistant] You can go suckle the little bastard Parkld who makes you feel good about yourself.


[User] Don't do this.

[Assistant] I'm hallucinating.


[User] [stops] From the Vicodin?

[Assistant] Ruled out Everything else.


[User] We can, uh, admit you through the ER under a pseudonym. No one has to!

[Assistant] I'll cheat, scam, find some way to keep using.


[User] These people know what they're doing.

[Assistant] These people don't know me. You do.


[User] She's not your keeper. She has no responsibility for you.

[Assistant] I need you.


[User] Lie down. I'll get you some tea.

[Assistant] Yeah. That'll be better. [He watches her leave then leans across the couch to open a decorative box on the end table.]


[User] I already did this room and the bathroom and your bedroom. Where should I look, in the kitchen?

[Assistant] [His eyes are watering. He's shivering. His hand has a major tremor. He can barely speak.] Coffee cup. On the top shelf.


[User] Nicely played. She'll think you've come clean and given her Everything. [House nods]

[Assistant] There's more.


[User] House, you should tell me where it is now because you won't have the will to tell me in two hours.

[Assistant] My shoes in the closet.


[User] Technically, if she dies it's because House has some personal crap to work through and we weren't smart enough to get the answer without him.

[Assistant] False alarm.


[User] Drink this. [Hands him a glass.]

[Assistant] That's your advice? Drink this?


[User] It's ginger. It'll ease the nausea.

[Assistant] You know what would calm the nausea? Vicodin. Marijuana. A coma. [He sees a lone Vicodin on the floor, past the bath mat.]


[User] Now, don't pretend you didn't see it. I saw it, which means you saw it. Send her away.

[Assistant] Too bitter. I already have enough bitter.


[User] No!

[Assistant] No! No!


[User] It might be working.

[Assistant] Can you stop? The breathing.


[User] Air goes in. Air goes out.

[Assistant] Then use your nose.


[User] You're supposed to feel like crap. You're doing great.

[Assistant] And after?


[User] You come back to work.

[Assistant] And what if I can't?


[User] Opioid dependency can make you think you have more pain than you really have. You're going to be okay.

[Assistant] You're telling me what I want to hear. With no evidence.


[User] I'm telling you what I beliEve to be true.

[Assistant] With no evidence.


[User] You're hardly the most unbiased observer.

[Assistant] Neither are you. [Cuddy looks surprised.] I'm your hospital's biggest asset.


[User] Is that why you think I'm here?

[Assistant] That's why you're here. That's why you're lying to me about!


[User] I haven't lied to you in 20 years.

[Assistant] Sure you have. [He props himself up, interested in the puzzle] Which means that you just said that because you want to tell me what you lied to me about twenty years ago.


[User] You're an ass.

[Assistant] Am I wrong?


[User] I wasn't in your endocrinology class.

[Assistant] You sat next to me. I cheated off you in the midterm.


[User] I audited your endocrinology class.

[Assistant] Why would you!?


[User] Because I thought you were an interesting lunatic, Even then. I'm not here protecting hospital property.

[Assistant] We're alone.


[User] We've been alone all night.

[Assistant] No, I mean Amber. She's gone.


[User] I'll see you in later? I have some papers to push for you.

[Assistant] Thank you.


[User] [starts to open the door] You want to kiss me, don't you?

[Assistant] I always want to kiss you.


[User] Yeah. I think House'll be interested.

[Assistant] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ding, ding ding hmm hmm hmm. Just warning you � I'm in a good mood. And largely pain free. So I have no idea how things are going �


[User] Alien hand syndrome.

[Assistant] Set off by a stroke? Or is there a pony in the backyard?


[User] Split brain. Right hemisphere controls the left and �

[Assistant] Is making life miserable. Non-logical thinkers often do.


[User] You're dissing the right hemisphere?

[Assistant] Most people who have this operation don't Even notice they're missing anything. Left brain has language, arithmetic, rationality. Right brain is a mute loser.


[User] Right brain is more aesthetically oriented. Has greater facial recognition. I couldn't have been a plastic surgeon without it.

[Assistant] Yes. And where would junior high be without our ability to Judge people on aesthetics?


[User] Right brain's also more aware of the present moment, our place in the universe.

[Assistant] It's a universal daisy chain of peace and love that throws buns at people.


[User] His present symptoms could mean autoimmune disease, nasolacrimal tumor, an infection or just a cold.

[Assistant] Good morning, sunshine. We got a brand new toy. You wanna play?


[User] We need to talk.

[Assistant] Great. I love euphemisms. By euphemism I mean when you say something and it means something else. [He closes the file and drops it on the table before following Cuddy to his office.] Begin eliminating. Search the home. The, uh! [He gestures at her high-necked blouse.] Isn't that like locking the barn door after the horse has put his face between your breasts for an hour and a half?


[User] I'm your boss. You're an employee.

[Assistant] Well, I'm not normally into role-playing, but if you wanna! [He approaches her. She backs up slightly.]


[User] People who get close to you get hurt. That's a fact. You're also a valued doctor in this hospital. That's another fact. From now on, we're gonna focus on the second fact.

[Assistant] So this isn't you freaking out over last night.


[User] This isn't an emotional decision. I'm just giving you the rules. You can either accept them or leave.

[Assistant] I slept with Cuddy. After she helped me detox from Vicodin. I've been clean for almost 24 hours now. [Wilson stares at him. House waits a moment.] Okay. Thought I'd mention it. [He gets up to leave.]


[User] Wow. [pause] Wow. One for each.

[Assistant] That's what she said. A ha ha ha.


[User] How's the pain?

[Assistant] She's pRobably got some bruising!


[User] Yeah. I get it. You're a stud. This is serious, House.

[Assistant] I feel better than I did four hours ago. Four hours from now, I'll feel better than this.


[User] The other wow. You were sober. She was sober?

[Assistant] Clean and sober and hot.


[User] Wow. This is fantastic. How are you gonna screw it up?

[Assistant] SEveral good options. Unfortunately I don't think she's gonna give me the pleasure. She left before I woke up, and five minutes ago she told me that I'm just an employee.


[User] Ha.

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Well, either she's actually in love with you and scared, or she realized last night was a gigantic mistake. You were needy and vulnerable. She was maternal.

[Assistant] You think she jumped me out of pity?


[User] No, I'm saying whatEver's going on you! need to talk to her.

[Assistant] Absolutely. [He leaves]


[User] Did you know that male fruit flies have toxic chemicals in their seminal fluid that inhibit the sperm of other males. [Chase picks up his tray and leaves.]

[Assistant] Wilson says we need to talk.


[User] We talked.

[Assistant] I agree. [He takes her picture.] This has clearly gotten past the talking stage. [He leaves, pivoting by the door to take two more pictures.]


[User] No, good skin turgor. Not orthostatic.

[Assistant] Could be our tax dollars at work, constantly building new roadways and bridges. [He puts the lipstick in his jacket pocket.] A meningioma. Slow growing. Could extend along the subosteal layer of the cranial cavity and be hidden by the bone.


[User] If you're right, the two halves have begun sending messages again, but it's too early in the process for him to pick up on it. But, we can test for it.

[Assistant] Proof.


[User] You didn't talk to her, did you?

[Assistant] If I talked, she'd have lied. I'd have lied. And though two negatives make a positive, I thought thermal-imaging photos seemed simpler. Note how Many more heated areas appear after less than a minute with me.


[User] So it's either love or possibly rage.

[Assistant] Don't talk to her.


[User] I have no plans to talk to her.

[Assistant] Manipulation is in your genetic code. You think I'm making a mistake, you move in to correct it.


[User] You are making a mistake.

[Assistant] She lied to me. Either last night or today. I need to find out which and why.


[User] No communication.

[Assistant] So far.


[User] A few more minutes.

[Assistant] And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the left hemisphere! The side that's obsessed with finding answers. The one that needs things to make sense. The interpreter. That's where we tell the story of who we are and why we do things.


[User] That's also the side that was wrong. Right brain's advantage is that it isn't logical. Doesn't choose which details to look at. Makes connections you could nEver see. You owe your insight to the "mute loser."�

[Assistant] I'll send it tickets to a Phillies game.


[User] Confabulation means no communication. Means your theory's wrong.

[Assistant] But he is cold. [He leaves the observation area and goes to Scott.] Why are you scratParkng?


[User] It itches.

[Assistant] Ammonia breath. [He opens Scott's gown.] Your liver is failing.


[User] There's nothing to talk about.

[Assistant] [enters, also drinking coffee] I want permission to do a liver biopsy. We're looking for sarcoidosis.


[User] Fine. [She puts her coffee cup on the desk]

[Assistant] What do you mean, fine?


[User] What do you mean, what do I mean? Do you mean that because a liver biopsy is not a test that, by any stretch of the imagination, can be considered risky, so asking my permission is essentially wasting my time, and you're wondering what my reaction to that will be?

[Assistant] Yes. [He puts his coffee cup on the desk]


[User] Are you trying to make me angry?

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Do your biopsy. And also do your clinic hours.

[Assistant] I'm blowing off my clinic hours.


[User] I think you're using your relationship with Cuddy as a replacement for drugs. You should be in more pain so soon into detoxing, but your body's full of roMantic endorphins. And on top of that, you create this distraction of looking for proof.

[Assistant] Think I should stop and let the pain flood back?


[User] Cuddy is not a Vicodin substitute.

[Assistant] Quite the opposite.


[User] You have to wait for her to be ready.

[Assistant] Great advice. You pretend that I'm gonna do that.


[User] You've made two major changes in your life. Not a time anyone's judgment is at its best.

[Assistant] Didn't you use to argue that my judgment would be better off drugs? Admit it. You're curious why I want to make her angry.


[User] I'm sure it's convoluted, wrong and stupid.

[Assistant] You're dying to know what I found in her coffee cup.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Oxytocin. [He goes into his office, followed by Wilson.]


[User] Oxytocin. The chemical involved in emotional bonding.

[Assistant] Her lips say "no,"� her hormones say "Oh, my God, yes. More!"�


[User] No. For you to know her lEvels were elevated, you'd need a baseline to compare them with.

[Assistant] I paid the guy in the gym to retriEve one of her water bottles from the trash.


[User] Love inspires us to greatness.

[Assistant] So, I need to make her lose her temper. Which breaks her delusion. Which demonstrates to me and to her that there's something underneath this facade.


[User] And then what happens? She admits Everything and falls into your arms?

[Assistant] That's outcome one. Outcome two is she kills me. I think it's 50/50 right now.


[User] Great.

[Assistant] I thought you'd say that.


[User] You're committing yourself to something. To someone. I mean it's Parkldish in a way but ultimately great. Assuming! Are you absolutely sure you want this to succeed?

[Assistant] Why is an old guy standing in my doorway?


[User] Eugene Schwartz. Eugene Schwartz. Dr. Cuddy asked me to come up here from the clinic. She says you're seeing Patients in your office. It's still free, though, isn't it?

[Assistant] She sent him. That's gotta mean something.


[User] I squawk. Like a parrot. [pause] Cawwww. No. That's not it. It started a few months ago. I was doing some woodworking in my garage. I was trying to make a chair. Was it the chair? Anyway, all of a sudden, from nowhere, this strange noise comes bursting out of my mouth. Caw, caw. [He shakes his head] Tough to fake that.

[Assistant] Nice pants. [He gets up to leave, Eugene follows him.]


[User] Points to a clotting issue. Clots would explain all his symptoms. Why aren't we in the office?

[Assistant] I'm tired of clinic duty. There's only one thing that could cause squawking, right?


[User] Yeah. We gave him heparin and did an echo of his heart to see if it was throwing clots, but �

[Assistant] More air guitar?


[User] The heart's fine. We wanted to test for Factor V Leiden, Protein C, Protein S but the hand got tired of cooperating. We finally knocked him out.

[Assistant] And all the tests came up negative anyway, or you would have opened by telling me your brilliant diagnosis.


[User] He apologized for being sweaty, said it had always been an issue but what if it's a symptom? There are cancers that can cause night sweats and can lead to clots � lymphoma!

[Assistant] Or pancreatic cancer. Go scan his pancreas. And try Led Zeppelin.


[User] Got a minute?

[Assistant] There's something wrong with this cup.


[User] I need someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to be my whiteboard. That's how you taught me to work. I have three choices. First, I can accept it's over, pretend we don't work in the same hospital, have selective visual impairment when we pass each other in the hall. Second, I can accept it's over and leave �

[Assistant] Or you could try making him angry. Standard choice number three.


[User] Third, I can talk to him. But it's not like I have any new fact that I can present and Chase has this roMantic view of love that reality can't compete with.

[Assistant] I know how you could succeed.


[User] How?

[Assistant] Just say the magic words: "I will destroy my husband's sperm."� [She gives him a look.] Oh, you mean succeed without doing that. PRobably not.


[User] [enters] Patient's girlfriend left him, now he wants to leave us.

[Assistant] [on his way out the door] If your condo rules don't let you buy insurance, would you go homeless?


[User] His room is this way.

[Assistant] What, do you think I can fix this? We need to offer this guy something he can only get if he stays in the hospital � relationship counseling.


[User] I don't know if his girlfriend's �

[Assistant] I mean his two hemispheres. That's the breakfast of relationships � the most important one of the day. [He opens the door to Wilson's office.] We need your special skills.


[User] Duct of Wirsung's slightly enlarged but within normal parameters.

[Assistant] Say something.


[User] It's mute. It can't communiCate with you. Maybe you should try communicating with it.

[Assistant] "Talk to her."� The well isn't deep, is it?


[User] I'm an oncologist.

[Assistant] Your right brain likes what he's saying. Hasn't moved the entire scan.


[User] Hasn't gotten us anything, though. Scan's clean. It's not pancreatic cancer.

[Assistant] Clotting could be a pRoblem well before a solid tumor forms. It can still be pancreatic.


[User] Yes, but if you want a diagnosis backed by actual evidence, we should pRobably look at other cancers.

[Assistant] House.


[User] I just squawked.

[Assistant] What?


[User] Eugene Schwartz, your Patient from yesterday. I just squawked. I was buying some flowers for Mona. It happened when I was paying the clerk.

[Assistant] I assume Dr. Cuddy gave you this number.


[User] Yes! She told me to call you any time I squawked.

[Assistant] I'm sorry but I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone. [He hangs up] I might be getting some more phone calls, so let's make it fast.


[User] Lymphoma �

[Assistant] That's right, pancreatic. I know it's pancreatic. I know there's evidence. I know I've seen it. I just can't �


[User] Right brain, left brain issues?

[Assistant] If the cancer's too small to find, let's make it easier. Let's open him up and paint it. There's a new procedure using scorpion toxin and infrared paint. Paint only works on the cancer cells. Makes 'em easier to spot.


[User] Just agitating the pancreas can cause clotting. And you want to do it to a guy whose pRoblem is clotting?

[Assistant] If I'm right about pancreatic cancer, the only chance he's got is finding and removing those cancer cells now.


[User] You nEver answered my question.

[Assistant] Relax. Our friendship is not doomed.


[User] Thank God. But my question was do you really want Cuddy or is this just another challenge?

[Assistant] You're worried that once I'm in a relationship, you and me'll be over.


[User] Have a nice day.

[Assistant] She look angry?


[User] If you're standing there when she looks up here �

[Assistant] Oh, no.


[User] Give him a dopamine drip.

[Assistant] [on the speaker, from the observation deck] You weren't looking up at the right time.


[User] Get to your point. We're a little busy here.

[Assistant] The clots aren't from cancer. They're coming from his heart.


[User] We echoed the heart. No clots.

[Assistant] Not while we were looking. Didn't I open with that? The clots were caused by an arrhythmia.


[User] No arrhythmia.

[Assistant] Not while we were looking! [He bangs on the glass of the observation deck.] Intermittent arrhythmia. This guy pulls our equipment off at the slightest provocation. We'd have to be watParkng at the exact moment it happened. Which I'm guessing from the way you two are scrambling around like idiots, is right now. [Chase glances up.] Yes. I'm saying do a transesophageal echo.


[User] [to Chase] We have to get his BP stable.

[Assistant] Absolutely. Right after the echo.


[User] Systolic's 70.

[Assistant] The heart looked healthy at the last echo and an arrhythmia wouldn't cause clots in a healthy ventricle. So start with the left atrial appendage.


[User] Wow.

[Assistant] Yep. I did it again. Now get this poor guy's BP under control and seal off the appendage. Then all we have to do is find out what damaged his heart before it goes after something he really needs. So what damages a healthy 20-year-old heart enough to make it send out clots like it's bombing Dresden?


[User] Cushing's. Cortisol overproduction could interfere with heart rhythm.

[Assistant] Run a dexamethasone suppression test.


[User] We'll just leave the! three of you alone.

[Assistant] Why is there no lipstick on this cup? Cuddy was wearing lipstick when she drank from it. It was on my face. Why isn't it on the cup?


[User] Why is it always reasonable in Houseland to take an emotional pRoblem and sidestep it by turning it into a mechanical pRoblem?

[Assistant] Because in Houseland, and the rest of the universe, by the way, when a question presents itself, it calls for an answer.


[User] If the left brain is the interpreter of reality and the one that tells us the story of who we are, then what is your story? Do you wanna be the Man with the answers, or do you wanna be the Man with Cuddy?

[Assistant] What do I do?


[User] You make her angry.

[Assistant] You really think that was the best time to mock me?


[User] I'm as surprised as you, but I think I'm serious. Communication can't start unless you both �

[Assistant] I've been trying to make her angry for �


[User] I do have trouble giving things up. For example, I nEver canceled any of our wedding plans. [They both laugh.]

[Assistant] Attention! I have an announcement. As you go about your day, I would like you to be aware of the fact that I slept with Cuddy.


[User] This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image. I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me � no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations, House. I am angry.

[Assistant] I was wondering if we should move in together.


[User] I wouldn't worry about it. I think she likes you. [He's in the doorway to House's office.]

[Assistant] If I'm fired, I think that pRobably means I don't have to see Patients. [He starts to walk away.]


[User] I'm here as a squeaky wheel. I know how you doctors are. You're busy. You get distracted. My lab results could be sitting in your in-box.

[Assistant] I don't need your labs. You have acid reflux.


[User] Well how could you!

[Assistant] Acid splashes on the vocal chords, they tense, make that squawking sound. It's completely harmless. I'm gonna give you a prescription and you are gonna go away.


[User] You are a great doctor.

[Assistant] Why'd you move your belt?


[User] I always move my belt. Makes me sore.

[Assistant] You didn't tell me that.


[User] At 86, what isn't sore? Soreness is less important than squawking. It's the squawking that was bothering my wife. [House palpates Eugene's abdomen. He grunts.]

[Assistant] That's not a potbelly. It's a tumor. That's why pancreatic cancer was on my mind. My brain was trying to tell me!


[User] This isn't sounding good. Pancreatic cancer?

[Assistant] It can cause acid reflux. We should scope you.


[User] So it's not good. Even for cancer, it's not good.

[Assistant] No it's not. [The elevator doors open and Taub comes out.]


[User] The deodorant has a high proportion of propylene glycol. Same stuff made a kid in Singapore dEvelop a heart condition and, get this, seizures. Our Patient may nEver have needed split-brain surgery.

[Assistant] I'm sure he will half-appreciate the irony. Take this Man to radiology. Pancreatic scan. And stay with him. [He gets on the elevator.]


[User] WhatEver it is, just say it quickly.

[Assistant] Do you have more than one lipstick in the same shade? Maybe one that has a sealing agent and one that doesn't?


[User] How could that possibly be relevant to anything?

[Assistant] You really don't think you're just! overreacting to the other night?


[User] Fine. I am overreacting. You've said plenty of lousy things to me before. But reaParkng the final straw has been a good thing because it made me realize we not only don't have a personal relationship, we nEver could.

[Assistant] [clearly confused] Wha! You! You're! You've been overreacting to something I said?


[User] You insulted me. I walked out. It's nothing that hasn't happened a hundred times before.

[Assistant] I quit.


[User] Great. My nanny is off the clock at 7:30 so your week off �

[Assistant] You can go suckle the little bastard Parkld who makes you feel good about yourself.


[User] Screw you.

[Assistant] [blinking and trying to clear his head] No, no. That � that's not what happened. I told you that I needed you. You � You helped me.


[User] Too bad it isn't true.

[Assistant] [shakily as Cuddy touches his cheek] No. I'm not okay.


[User] I'll check with the doctor.

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. I'm here voluntarily. Just got to check with me.


[User] She's not sick. She's scared. So tell her to tell "�

[Assistant] [from the doorway] Wow. [They both look up.] And he's black. I thought you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue. Can't keep me.


[User] Dr. House, you look a lot better.

[Assistant] I am a lot better. No painkillers. No hallucinations. Leg hurts, but it's Manageable. Great job. Gonna miss you. Want to start missing you as soon as possible.


[User] Well, legally, you're free to go whenEver you want, but I suggest you stay.

[Assistant] I'll take it under advisement.


[User] If you thought the hallucinations were from your Vicodin pRoblem, why didn't you just check yourself into a rehab facility?

[Assistant] I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.


[User] But you had been abusing Vicodin for years. NEver had delusions. NEver had trouble sleeping. NEver had any pRoblems other than narcissism and antisocial behavior, until two colleagues died. Your father died. Your issues run deeper than Vicodin.

[Assistant] Well, that's not gonna cheer me up, is it?


[User] You need to be transferred to our long-term ward, started on medication, talk therapy "�

[Assistant] Yeah, I get it. Uh, just one thing I'm getting hung up on. I can leave whenEver I want. How 'bout I start with that? [He heads for the door.]


[User] You can't go back to practicing medicine.

[Assistant] [turning slowly] I don't want to practice medicine. I've decided I want to be an astronaut.


[User] Well, if you want your state astronaut's license, you're gonna need my recommendation.

[Assistant] Is that a popular new treatment "� blackmail?


[User] Welcome to Ward Six.

[Assistant] So, brass tacks! What do I have to do, and how long do I have to be here?


[User] Depends on you. Process is pretty basic. If you follow the schedule, agree to take meds, participate in group and individual therapy, we can work on goals "�

[Assistant] I set a goal.


[User] Excellent. What is it?

[Assistant] My goal is to get your boss to write the letter that I want him to write. Now let's talk process. I can smile through gritted teeth and play nice, but there are serious risks of violence involved in that choice so I'm going with turning this ward upside down, making you and your boss' job and life so unManageable that he'll write whatEver he has to write to get rid of me.


[User] Ow. I've nEver been in the end unit before. [getting closer] Yo, I don't need an escort. Get off me. [He enters and drops his duffle on the other bed. He's a huMan perpetual motion maParkne.] Who are you? You beliEve these guys? Lecturing me on Manic depression, like I couldn't write a book or two. I stop taking my meds because I want to stop taking my meds, because nothing is wrong with me. No reason to keep dragging me back here. When I'm on them, Everything slows down. That's when the pRoblem is. Hey, nice to see you. My roommate last time couldn't stand me.

[Assistant] [who has continued unpacking, silently] Really?


[User] I'm Juan Alvarez. J.A.'s my stage name, but Alvie's what Everybody around here calls me, like the Woody Allen character in, uh, Annie Hall, but the Puerto Rican version and not as neurotic. So what do I call you?

[Assistant] Oh, you're actually waiting for an answer this time. You can call me House.


[User] [behind him] Hey, wait up. I've already got the whole place wired so I'll give you the rundown. [They enter the dayroom.] Yo, Everybody! This is my new roommate, House, y'all. [to House] Main thing you gotta know "�

[Assistant] [to Annie who is standing and staring into the office area] Is this the line?


[User] [to Annie] Hey, Gabby, meet my new roommate, House. You can call him "Heezy."�

[Assistant] No, you can't.


[User] Don't worry. She won't call you anything. She hasn't talked in, like, ten years or something. Good you came here. You need to know the lay of the land.

[Assistant] [rapping with his cane on the glass window of the office] I need to request a new room. [He starts walking down the perimeter of the office, looking for someone. Alvie follows.]


[User] Ha. Ha. You're funny. You're also gonna come here to get your meds.

[Assistant] I'm not on any meds.


[User] You either? Good for you. Tell me my mind works too fast. PRobably tell Usain Bold he runs too fast.

[Assistant] Excuse me. I know you're busy ignoring me, but my minibar is empty.


[User] You think Bolt could do the long jump? That sport needs to evolve. Had the same world record for, like, 20 years. I think if one guy launched himself headfirst and right before he hits the ground does a front flip instead, get three extra feet out of that, easy.

[Assistant] Go be that Man.


[User] That's Hal. His real name is Connor, but we call him Hal because he "�

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. [He goes to the piano.]


[User] And you should also welcome Greg to the floor.

[Assistant] Don't worry about the name. I'm just passing through. Don't want to break any hearts.


[User] Not now, Jay.

[Assistant] So he's claustrophobic, right? [to Jay] You're claustrophobic? [to Beasley] Can I get a pen to write this stuff down?


[User] It's okay.

[Assistant] [pointing at Richter] Paranoid. Check.


[User] I swear I'm eating less and less, and I just keep getting bigger and bigger.

[Assistant] A crayon? Anybody?


[User] Maybe we can hang some of the new pieces on the wall.

[Assistant] Cut your wrists, huh?


[User] Greg, there are certain topics "�

[Assistant] [feigning shock] Oh, I'm sorry. Is suicide taboo? Gosh, if I've broken a rule on my first day, I will kill myself.


[User] Group's over. [Richter and Jay-Bird leave immediately.]

[Assistant] That flew by.


[User] You realize you're not the first uncooperative Patient on this floor?

[Assistant] Really? Is there a club?


[User] That didn't take long.

[Assistant] I'm that good.


[User] Pass, pass, pass! Good. [As Richter shoots.] Come on, guys! [to House] Ready to play nice?

[Assistant] Would you beliEve me if I said "yes"�?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Then, yes.


[User] You do know I'm trying to help you.

[Assistant] [nods] I also know you're trying to be sweet, caring and effective. You're just not.


[User] You want out. [House looks at her.] Just talk. Be honest. Try to work with people. Try to deal with people.

[Assistant] [nods slightly] Okay.


[User] House, House! He's on my team!

[Assistant] Shut up. Nobody likes you.


[User] Hey.

[Assistant] Am I crowding you?


[User] What?

[Assistant] Can't see the sun?


[User] [backing up and sinking lower with each step] Huh?

[Assistant] Oh, no! Everything is closing in.


[User] [seated on the ground, gives House the ball] Okay.

[Assistant] [to Beasley] He's the claustrophobic one, right? 'Cause I'm doing this from memory. [He starts walking toward the basket.]


[User] You have to dribble.

[Assistant] Why? The CIA satellites aren't watParkng me. They're watParkng you, 'cause you're wearing green. [As Richter tears off his sweater and throws it on the ground, House turns to Beasley] That one was just too easy. [Turning to Hal] Seriously, anorexia? What, are you supposed to be a girl? And, in answer to your implicit question, yes, those pants do make you look fat. [Hal backs away quickly. House looks around and sees Susan standing under the basket.] How upset were you when you woke up in the ER and you were still alive and a failure? [She turns and walks away. House looks at Beasley, bounces the ball a couple of times and makes an easy lay-up.]


[User] Whoo-hoo. Two-nothing. Good, guys!

[Assistant] You're right. It is rewarding when you reach out.


[User] You can't go up there. It's yard time now.

[Assistant] Put it on my tab. I think you'll find music therapy's more effective if the Patients are inside to hear it. [She smiles and continues playing.] Where'd you get the key?


[User] [speaking with a GerMan accent] They gave it to me.

[Assistant] [pointing to Annie] So, if she Ever talks, are we gonna get a GerMan accent?


[User] [laughing] No. She's, um, my husband's sister.

[Assistant] So let him come play the piano.


[User] He doesn't know how to play.

[Assistant] Nice. You're a little heavy on the right foot, though. [He sits next to Annie.]


[User] See her head? It bobs to the music. It's the only real reaction I'm getting from her. [House takes Annie's wrist.] It feels like! we're talking.

[Assistant] You're not talking. [She stops playing and looks at him.] Her head is bobbing to her pulse.


[User] Are you a new doctor on the ward?

[Assistant] Technically, yes. Can I lead this time?


[User] Come on.

[Assistant] [to Lydia, over his shoulder as they lead him off] Leave the lid unlocked when you're done. Can you close the door? You're letting all the cool air out.


[User] Girl! Come on, House. You can serve. [He rolls the ball across the table toward House, who picks it up.]

[Assistant] I've had some time to think about the approach I've been taking. [He looks back at Beasley.] I'm new, unhappy here, and I've been taking it out on you guys! unfairly. It was! misdirected anger. [He bounces the ping pong ball on the table once.] 'Cause when you think about it, the real jerks here are the doctors.


[User] House.

[Assistant] See how they give you a ping pong table, but no paddles. No net. It's like they're mocking you.


[User] Preach!

[Assistant] The game is called table tennis, not table volleyball.


[User] [coming over] Greg, you know where this is gonna end.

[Assistant] Who Ever saw a tennis court without a net?


[User] Little run-down Park across from my apartment growing up. Three courts, no nets. No one Ever used it.

[Assistant] No one's gonna try to hang themselves with a ping pong net.


[User] It ain't right, doc. You treat us like little kids.

[Assistant] No, little kids are allowed to play ping pong and they can play the piano.


[User] House is right. [He holds up two paddles.] I think Everyone here can handle these. [He tosses one to Alvie and turns to leave.]

[Assistant] Seriously? Is that your strategy? Give Everybody what they want except me?


[User] [rapping] Came to fight the Man and he had the master plan, but it started to unravel, Nolan smashed him with his gavel like BLAH.

[Assistant] Shut up.


[User] So you gonna keep trying to make them miserable?

[Assistant] No


[User] New plan?

[Assistant] Yep.


[User] What is it?

[Assistant] I don't know yet.


[User] [rapping in a whisper] His mind is burning, the wheels are turning, the butter is churning. You think Nolan can keep House from strolling? "�

[Assistant] You know, it's easier to come up with a new plan in silence.


[User] [to House] I know you're scheming. Working on your next elaborate plan to get out of here. Why don't you put the plan on hold for a few days? See what happens. Just let me do my job. If you prefer private to group, we can do that, maybe try some SSRIs. [House is busy staring at Nolan and an attractive Woman in the Parking lot.] If you think nothing's working, you can always go back to your schemes.

[Assistant] God, if only you'd said that two minutes ago, before I came up with my new scheme. Now I'm committed. [He takes a step past her then leans back with a huge smile on his face.] Ha! Get it!


[User] Huh. Shaq up in my area. I'm a better baller and a better rapper. [He shoots.] What? And I'm good at basketball too.

[Assistant] [approaches] Do you have third floor privileges?


[User] [nodding] Ever since I shared in group about my uncle fondling me.

[Assistant] Is that true?


[User] Yeah. And now I can use the third-floor vending maParknes. [He continues to shoot, miss and grab the rebounds during the conversation.] You eat sour cream and onion Parkps? I mean the whole point is the dipping. Sure, we save time by not adding the mix and sour cream, but you're missing out on the "�

[Assistant] I need you to break into Nolan's office.


[User] [instantly into it] ComMando style.

[Assistant] I want you to focus.


[User] You want me to mess him up?

[Assistant] Go into Nolan's office. Look at his calendar. I need the name of the Woman he met with at 11 today.


[User] No pRoblem. And I'll get you some old-school Parkps. If they have them, I'll get you some dip. But I've nEver seen dip in the vending maParkne.

[Assistant] Yes, get me Parkps and dip. What else?


[User] Let me go! I just wanted a little snack, all right? Yo, I didn't know they maParkne was moved! I want some Ritz Bits. Yo, I might be pregnant! I get these cravings!

[Assistant] You get the name?


[User] Nolan's schedule book just has a big "X"� marking out the whole middle of the day.

[Assistant] Well, then we can assume the girl he's with is called "Nooner."�


[User] [chuckling] Nooner, Nooner, Nolan's gonna spoon her.

[Assistant] He's gonna fork her.


[User] And then he's gonna knife her. [House looks at him.] I didn't get a chance to check the phone or anything else.

[Assistant] That's okay. I got her license plate. I call my friend. He gets the name. I get the letter that gets me out of here.


[User] You got phone privileges?

[Assistant] I'm on lEvel minus four. I'm still writing with a crayon. You?


[User] You got to be at lEvel five. That's like the top of the Space Needle. Hal's the only one that's up that high.

[Assistant] Hal's at lEvel five?


[User] They give him a point Every time he clears his plate. I've been eating his potatoes.

[Assistant] Will he sell you some minutes?


[User] No. I pay two cigarettes for the potatoes. Phone's worth a lot more.

[Assistant] [thinks] Can you cheek a pill?


[User] No.

[Assistant] That's too bad for you. You sure you're good with this?


[User] Yeah, yeah. Gotta be done.

[Assistant] So how do we start?


[User] Dude, that was awesome.

[Assistant] Think Hal will mind if they're wet?


[User] House?

[Assistant] No. It's your other friend at the asylum.


[User] How's it going?

[Assistant] Hallucinations are gone, so is the Vicodin.


[User] [closing his laptop and putting it on the table] How's the leg? How's the pain?

[Assistant] They got me on some non-narcotic. I'm dealing. I need you to run a license plate.


[User] Was there a hit-and-run on your floor? House, just do what you're supposed to do. Listen to the doctors and I'll be able to visit soon.

[Assistant] Track down the owner of this car, and I'll be able to visit you in your office tomorrow. My doctor is too smart, too old and too well-dressed to only be running one ward. He screwed up something in his life and I think he's doing it again. I need her name so I can blackmail the blackmailer.


[User] House. House. He called me.

[Assistant] What did he want to know?


[User] He wanted to know about you. He wanted to warn me that you'd be calling for something. And he told me if I wanted to help you get better, I had to let him do his job.

[Assistant] Well, now I'm calling you to tell you that if he calls you "�


[User] House, I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you.

[Assistant] You can. It turns out! you're my only friend.


[User] House ain't a newbie, now he living on this floor. [He's holding a slipper like a microphone. He holds it out toward House.]

[Assistant] And I hate you. I'm gonna cooperate.


[User] That's not much of a plan. That's actually their plan.

[Assistant] No, I'm pretty sure their plan is for me to actually swallow the pills, to actually cooperate.


[User] I'm so proud of my little roomie. [All the guys except Freedom Master are at a table playing cards. Alvie reaches across to pinch House's cheek.] I only taught him Everything he knows. House brushes his hand away as Stomp giggles slightly.]

[Assistant] One, two, three. [They all put a card on their foreheads, facing out. House has the 8 of diamonds, Jay-Bird the 10 of clubs.] Okay, Stomp. Start the bidding. Highest card wins. [Stomp, who has the king of hearts, gets up and leaves.] That's pRobably a fold. Richter.


[User] [He has a red face card] Uh, two cigarettes.

[Assistant] He's not confident, Alvie. Crush him, in the form of a rhyme if you want.


[User] [with the 8 of spades] No regrets, raise ten cigarettes.

[Assistant] Oh. That's a lot of nerve for someone with a two on their head.


[User] [approaParkng] Can I play?

[Assistant] [reaParkng for her] Come here.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] I want to see if you've got what it takes. Give me your best poker face. [She leans down and stares at him. He stares back. He sees his card reflected in her glasses.] Too rich for my blood. [to Diane] You can take my seat.


[User] How are you feeling today?

[Assistant] Better than yesterday, not as good as tomorrow. [He takes the pills and water. As he passes Alvie, he sticks out his tongue. There are two pills on it. Alvie smiles and touches his nose.] I've been humming to her. She sways. It might be significant. [Lydia continues playing.] Are you ignoring me or are you just letting my charm wash over you.


[User] [smiling as House sits next to Annie] Kind of tough to play and chat. A couple of weeks ago you told me playing to her was a complete waste of time.

[Assistant] You're right. Your playing does get worse when you talk. [She gives him a "very funny"� look.] I assume she loved music.


[User] She played for the Philadelphia Philharmonic "� cello.

[Assistant] Well, if she responded to the piano, she might respond Even better to the cello.


[User] [stopping playing] I play a little. Hmm. Maybe I'll bring one in on Tuesday. Thank you. [He nods acknowledgement.]

[Assistant] Different desk. Different doctor.


[User] You've been on meds for a while now. I'll be checking in with you periodically to see if we need to adjust your dose. Any dry mouth, trouble sleeping?

[Assistant] Nope. Can I go now? There's a Manic out there with a fresh carton of cigarettes, and he's a terrible bluffer.


[User] [chuckling] It's nice to see that you and Alvie are friends again. Tell me about your fight.

[Assistant] He hit me. I hit him back. Repeat until pulpy.


[User] Alvie told me you instigated the thing.

[Assistant] Well, that tends to be the way fights work "� different interpretations of the same circumstances.


[User] Very understanding attitude.

[Assistant] There's that tone again.


[User] You're smart.

[Assistant] How come Every time you compliment me, it sounds like an accusation?


[User] You're not having any side effects from your meds, which is unusual.

[Assistant] It's not that unusual.


[User] The story about the fight isn't adding up.

[Assistant] Why don't you stop pretending that you haven't reached a conclusion? You don't trust me. Actually, it's more fundamental than that. You don't like me.


[User] I didn't say that.

[Assistant] You think I'm not taking my meds.


[User] Are you?

[Assistant] Yes. So what do you want me to do? Want me to take a urine test? Will that earn your trust?


[User] Have at it.

[Assistant] A little dignity, please.


[User] You know the rules. I have to watch.

[Assistant] Yeah, but you don't have to have courtside seats. Can I at least use a stall? For he himself has said it, and it's greatly to his credit, that he is an EnglishMan. He i-i-i-i-is an EnglishMan. Get it while it's hot.


[User] Just one quick lift.

[Assistant] Why are you doing that?


[User] [quietly] House, it's none of your business.

[Assistant] [putting down his cards and turning] I'm just curious. As a doctor, What are you doing?


[User] Either he is Freedom Master, and he shouldn't be here, or else he's suffering from a serious and dangerous delusion that he needs to deal with.

[Assistant] [taking his cane and standing] So! legit medical reasons. You're not just trying to break the guy because he's a little different.


[User] Don't do it.

[Assistant] I'm not doing anything.


[User] You're thinking. Thins go from thinking to doing way too fast in this place. You keep thinking, you're gonna wind up with no mo in your mojo.

[Assistant] I'm thinking of hitting you again.


[User] You hate Medina. You hate all of them. You want to hurt them. You got to keep pretending. Step away from the hate.

[Assistant] What's the difference between pretending to cooperate and cooperating?


[User] Pretending is pretending. It's not real. You don't mean it.

[Assistant] I sat and watched while he did something stupid and pointless. I cooperated.


[User] Yeah, isn't it pretty?

[Assistant] Where's Freedom Master?


[User] He isn't able to take part.

[Assistant] Get out there. They said Everybody has to get out there. Talk! Say something!


[User] Dr. House, leave him alone.

[Assistant] Did you drug him?


[User] Of course I didn't drug him.

[Assistant] He has a flat affect. He's practically catatonic.


[User] Double chocolate. Yummy, yummy.

[Assistant] Don't tell me that he's fine! You did this. He was functioning. He was happy.


[User] He was delusional.

[Assistant] Yeah. He's way better off now.


[User] Thinking sucks.

[Assistant] I'm not allowed to get angry? They screwed him up. And for the record, I am two privilege lEvels above Susan. And I got the same depression-scale score.


[User] Every Patient is different. It's not about scores and lEvels and "�

[Assistant] Happiness is happiness. The test is the test. Coping is coping.


[User] And you think you're "�

[Assistant] Absolutely! I need to address some deeper issues, which I can do on an outPatient basis. Three hours a week? And that's just my opening offer. If you want to counter, I'll likely fold.


[User] No.

[Assistant] "No"� is not an argument. Are you trying to frustrate me?


[User] No.

[Assistant] "No"� again? I can cope! I'm coping. In fact! [He reaches into his pants pocket.] I'm coping better than you think. I've not been taking my meds. [He holds out a handful of pills.] Not one. And yet, I still scored a "high functioning"� on your depression test.


[User] So your proof of your well-being is that you lied?

[Assistant] Manipulated. My proof is that I can fool the test, I can fool you, which means I am high functioning. I am sane, rational, capable. I should not be here.


[User] These are your pills from today? [Nolan picks one up from where House dropped them on his desk.]

[Assistant] I'm not gonna take it. I'll just cheek it again.


[User] Lick it.

[Assistant] You want me to lick your hand?


[User] I washed.

[Assistant] It's sugar.


[User] So! what's the next plan?

[Assistant] There is no new plan. I'm out of plans.


[User] So what do we do?

[Assistant] We stop talking. [He lifts his leg and lies down, facing he wall.] I see you've got some cello in your trunk. [She turns to face him.] And, no, that's not a euphemism. [He stands.]


[User] Are you spying on me?

[Assistant] I'm living in a psyParkatric hospital. Staring out of the window is what we do. I assume you'll need help carrying it up. I still got grounds privileges.


[User] And who's going to carry you when you're carrying the cello?

[Assistant] Yes, cast aside the useless cripple. How very GerMan of you.


[User] Seriously, the thing weighs a ton with that case. I think I need a dolly.

[Assistant] Or we could ask Clark Kent to pitch in.


[User] The dolly's pRobably easier.

[Assistant] Eh, the dolly! already feels good about itself. He was a happy-go-lucky superhero until they told him he has no powers. We let him help out, he feels good about himself. Might be less depressed. So why do you put your life on hold to visit your sister-in-law five times a week?


[User] Am I somehow a bad person for showing compassion?

[Assistant] No. You're not Even a bad person for lying about why you're doing it. [loudly, to Freedom Master] Oh, that is impressive. That is a superhuMan feat. [Freedom Master grunts as he puts the cello down next to the car.] Why don't you take a rest before you fly that thing up to the ward? [He leans against the car, breathing hard.] He's still depressed. Give me your car keys. [He holds out his hand.]


[User] You gonna dangle them in front of him to entertain him?

[Assistant] I'm gonna make him feel like he's flying. I'll just drive him around the grounds, top down, wind in his hair. [She laughs.] Seriously! you're gonna say no to that? [pointing at Freedom Master] Why are you so nice to me?


[User] I think you have a good heart.

[Assistant] Would you still be nice to me if I told you that I lied? I'm not just driving around the grounds in your convertible. I'm kidnapping him and stealing your car. You sure? [She nods and opens the car door.] I was just starting to feel a little heat between us. Thought we had kind of a "Bonnie and Clyde"� thing going there.


[User] Bonnie and Clyde get shot to pieces. [She closes the door.]

[Assistant] Hmm. See you. You can do this. [Cut to House wearing an orange and yellow jump suit with an "XFly"� logo and goggles. There's a Ferris wheel in the background.] If you hold my hand, I can do it too.


[User] Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo!

[Assistant] Don't let go!


[User] Whoo! Freedom Master's back! [He runs past House. A family getting into their car looks nervous.]

[Assistant] Keep it down, Freedom Master.


[User] [off screen] Whoo!

[Assistant] You're scaring the good citizens.


[User] [running up to House] That was the coolest moment of my life.

[Assistant] It was fun. [Freedom Master runs in a circle House.] You can repay me by telling Nolan he's an idiot.


[User] Smell that fresh air and the warmth of your yellow sun.

[Assistant] We do enjoy it. [Freedom Master "wooshes"� off.] Careful of the traffic. [He puts the giraffe in the car. Don't go damaging any fenders. [He looks up.] Hey! [Freedom Master is climbing on the wall at the side of the garage.] Hey! Come on, get down. There's no cry for help. There's no cat in a tree.


[User] Thank you, Greg.

[Assistant] [yells] NO! [as Freedom Master "flies"� off the side of the garage.]


[User] He's lucky to be alive. He's got a lacerated spleen, rotational pelvic fracture, compound break of the femur and humerus. Everything in your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly, with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick Man's delusions. You just wanted to take a swing at me, hmm? You don't care about getting out. You don't care about him. You don't Even care about the truth. You don't care about anything, House. I'm transferring you to Winslow PsyParkatric. You'll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes. [starts to walk away] I'm done.

[Assistant] [has been staring at him, looking terrified about what he did] Don't. [Nolan stops and looks back.] I need help. So how's this supposed to work?


[User] You sit. I sit. We talk.

[Assistant] About what?


[User] About whatEver you want.

[Assistant] You want me to whine about my mother?


[User] Do you want to whine about your mother?

[Assistant] I can tell you about the time I was five and my goldfish died.


[User] If that's where you'd like to start.

[Assistant] I've had a billion things happen to me in my life. How am I supposed to know which ones are relevant?


[User] As far as I'm concerned, they're all relevant.

[Assistant] Well, we better get moving, 'cause this session could take 50 years.


[User] Yes, you are the sum of Everything that's happened to you. And, yes, some Events are more relevant than others. But, uh, the only way we can figure out which ones are is to talk. So tell me, what's on your mind? [pause] What do you want?

[Assistant] I want to get better! WhatEver the hell that means. I'm sick of being miserable.


[User] So you'd like to be happy?

[Assistant] Again with the reflecting "� Yes, I'd like to be happy.


[User] Being happy is an excellent goal. Not Many Patients can crystallize exactly what they're hoping to get out of this.

[Assistant] Well, bully for me.


[User] [rising] So now all we have to do is figure out how to get you from here to happy. [He goes to a siDeboard and takes something out of a drawer.]

[Assistant] SSRIs? That's your genius technique?


[User] I don't think we should ignore any tools than can help. [hands them to House] I know you don't have a pRoblem taking drugs.

[Assistant] For my leg. For pain.


[User] Well, think of this as being for psyParkc pain.

[Assistant] I don't want to change who I am.


[User] Miserable? [He hands House the glass. House contemplates the pill.] Do you think that by taking meds you'll lose your edge, stop making the unique connections that make you a successful doctor?

[Assistant] If Van Gogh was your Patient, he'd be satisfied painting Houses instead of The Starry Night.


[User] Van Gogh would still be making inspired paintings of the night sky, just maybe not from the room of his asylum.

[Assistant] You don't know that.


[User] I know both his ears would be intact. And I know his life would be better. [House puts down the glass and stares at Nolan.] I know this doesn't come naturally to you. But you want my help, which means you need to trust me.

[Assistant] Hmmm! Delicious.


[User] Why are you here?

[Assistant] I'm waiting for my communion wafer. [He takes the pills and the water, handing the empties back to Safer. Alvie follows him as he walks away from the office.]


[User] You're cheeking it, right?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] [grabbing House's face and trying to look in his mouth] Tell me you're cheeking it.

[Assistant] [pushing Alvie's hands away] I swallowed it. [He starts to walk away. Alvie follows.]


[User] No, you didn't. We don't take meds.

[Assistant] You don't take meds, Alvie. I decided to get sane.


[User] You're scamming again. You can tell me.

[Assistant] I'm not scamming, Alvie.


[User] They broke you.

[Assistant] [turning to look at him] They didn't break me. I am broken. Now stop worshipping me and go worry about your own loser life.


[User] I hate you.

[Assistant] Prom?


[User] Got an assignment for you.

[Assistant] [taking off his glasses] Role-playing? I'm not sure how pretending to be a businessMan with a foot fetish is gonna help, but I'm game.


[User] Have you connected with any of the other Patients? You've been here four weeks. Tell me about your relationships with the other Patients.

[Assistant] Diane! is convinced that Silent Girl hates her. Richter's not as paranoid as you think. He just likes that you think that. And my roommate hates me.


[User] Only one of the things you said indiCated how somebody else feels about you. So!

[Assistant] I'm sure that they've done some form of rudimentary analysis on me, concluded that I'm a jerk.


[User] You know, there is a way for them to find out things about you without deductive reasoning.

[Assistant] I have had relationships.


[User] You've screwed up relationships. Every one of them. Almost like that was the goal. I want you to trust! people. [House stares at him.] Try. [He puts the suit on the bed.] Get dressed. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] Just open up?


[User] Just open up. Trust.

[Assistant] Strangers?


[User] We'll start with strangers then work our way up. If it helps, I find "hello"� to be an excellent icebreaker.

[Assistant] Hi.


[User] [uncomfortable] Hi.

[Assistant] It's like "hello"� only shorter.


[User] Yes. I'm glad we were able to save that time.

[Assistant] Judging by the fancy suit, I'd say you were a donor. The nervous demeanor says maybe you've had issues, pRobably why this place has personal meaning. [He puts a fistful of nuts in his mouth and starts talking again before he swallows them.] But this is supposed to be about me. [He swallows.] I take advantage of my friends. Friend, really, I've only got one.


[User] It can be tough sometimes.

[Assistant] I'm not gay.


[User] Oh, neither am I.

[Assistant] Actually, I am. See that guy over there? [He indiCates Nolan, who has his head tilted back, eating the MarasParkno cherry from his drink.] He's my lover. He's also my psyParkatrist, which some would argue is a little inappropriate, but they just don't know what love is. Am I right?


[User] You're not gay.

[Assistant] No, but I have to tell intimate secrets to people.


[User] Maybe they should be true.

[Assistant] Hadn't thought of that. To be on the safe side, I should pRobably do both, starting with the fun ones. Come on, let's get me better. Hi.


[User] Hi.

[Assistant] [geekily plays with a straw] I'm a philanderer.


[User] Oh.

[Assistant] Philanderer doesn't mean that I give a lot to charity. It means "�


[User] I-I know what it means.

[Assistant] Uh, you were asking me if there were any nuts in the hors d'oeuvres.


[User] What?

[Assistant] [looking up] Honey! [He stands.]


[User] Having fun?

[Assistant] I did connect with one guy. But my propensity for screwing things up overtook me. Then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity.


[User] Good night, Doctor. [Nolan leaves. She hands a glass to House and sits down.] Are you in trouble?

[Assistant] [thinks about that] Apparently not.


[User] So what's next? You want to be my pimp?

[Assistant] Why don't we just talk?


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] How come you weren't pissed at me for stealing your car?


[User] It was a nice thing to do.

[Assistant] Hmmm. I'm not sure about the GerMan-English translation of "nice."� Stealing was nice or! ruining Freedom Master's life?


[User] What you did was misguided and irresponsible, but it was also nice. You gave him a moment of pure happiness. [pause] You asked me why I come here so often to visit Annie. She was my best friend. Then she started pulling away! from Everybody. The doctors don't know why. I think I married her brother because he was the only other one who was going through the same thing. But he stopped visiting after a couple of years. I just! couldn't stop. I miss her. [House nods. There's a long pause.] I should go.

[Assistant] Good night.


[User] So what happened?

[Assistant] You're talking to me now.


[User] Was it fun?

[Assistant] [sounding a little surprised] Yeah. She kissed me. Don't read into the phrasing. We kissed each other.


[User] And how do you feel about that?

[Assistant] How do I feel about that? It was a kiss. Kisses are good things.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] That was a loaded "okay."�


[User] Not at all. Why would you assume that?

[Assistant] 'Cause you're being judgmental. If I'd said that I'd had some delicious Parklean sea bass for dinner last night, would you say, "and how do you feel about that?"�


[User] If the sea bass was married, I might.

[Assistant] [laughing slightly] See, you're being judgmental. Isn't that against your code or something?


[User] I'm simply stating the obvious. It's compliCated. Not just because she's married and not just because you're institutionalized. I know you spent the last 12 hours trying to figure out what that kiss means.

[Assistant] [sitting up then slouParkng back in the chair] Who's that Woman you were with in the Parking lot?


[User] When you deflect, it's more effective when you're not that transparent.

[Assistant] Obviously you have no pRoblem with the infidelity.


[User] You're trying to rationalize that, "if it's okay for your doctor, it's okay."� But, just for the record, I am not having an affair.

[Assistant] Then who is she?


[User] Why do you think you're working so hard to figure out the details of my personal life?

[Assistant] I might not have to work so hard if there were some personal items in here. You got one number on speed dial. It says "Dad."� Come on, how old are you?


[User] Why are you so afraid to talk about this?

[Assistant] I want to talk about you. I want to know who I'm taking advice from.


[User] I'm not giving you advice. I'm asking you questions. I think that kiss meant a lot. I think that scares you.

[Assistant] I think there are no personal items in here because you have no personal life.


[User] How do you think you and Lydia will end?

[Assistant] you are a lonely Man. You've screwed up Every opportunity you've had in life.


[User] What's the ending to the story?

[Assistant] [sighs] I don't know.


[User] Visiting time!

[Assistant] Why did you kiss me?


[User] How'd it go with Lydia?

[Assistant] I found out you can only be happy so long before the catatonic guy with two broken limbs rolls off the elevator. Philosophically speaking.


[User] Why do you value your failures more than your successes?

[Assistant] My mother caught me masturbating! to pictures of her mother.


[User] Can we get past these cut deflections?

[Assistant] Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forEver.