[User] What? You got some other explanation for orange urine? It's Munchausen's.

[Assistant] Correct, but not complete.


[User] You just don't wanna admit that she skunked you.

[Assistant] At the end of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf,"� the wolf really does come, and he eats the sheep, and the boy, and his parents.


[User] The wolf doesn't eat the parents!

[Assistant] It does when I tell it.


[User] You're not telling the story now, I am.

[Assistant] Look, I checked her records. All her hospitalizations were for different things. Brain tumor, fainting spells, skin rashes, seizures! she's had Every blood test known to Man and the results are all over the map. There's only one constant, low HCT. The anemia's real.


[User] There's a million things she could have taken to have done that.

[Assistant] True. Could just be her MO. She self-induces two illnesses, one always changes, one nEver does. Or maybe she has Munchausen's and aplastic anemia, which would mean without proper treatment she'd continue to get sicker, weaker; Eventually she'll start bleeding internally and die.


[User] She's not getting sicker.

[Assistant] She will!


[User] If her bone marrow was dying the entire blood panel would be affected. Her white count's normal.

[Assistant] So far. We need to do a bone marrow biopsy.


[User] No, no more tests.

[Assistant] Look, you kick her to the curb with a Munchausen's diagnosis; you're guaranteeing that no doctor will Ever listen to her again.


[User] We do more tests we'll only be feeding her psychosis. The more attention we give her, the more she'll want.

[Assistant] What if she doesn't know we're testing her?


[User] House, you were wrong. Live with it.

[Assistant] There's pRobably some blood left over from previous tests.


[User] Blood tests alone can't confirm aplastic anemia.

[Assistant] Yes, I know. That's why I want to do a bone marrow biopsy. But blood tests could show a systemic disease, viral or a toxin cause.


[User] Fine. You wanna test the extra blood, knock yourself out. But the Patient is off-limits.

[Assistant] And if the results are positive? I get my biopsy? It's the safe way to go. I need all of these tests and a PCR done on this sample.


[User] You're gonna need more blood.

[Assistant] Patient's empty.


[User] Then I can't do it. [She passes the sample back to him.]

[Assistant] You can try.


[User] i can try to look like Salma Hayek, that's not gonna make it happen.

[Assistant] You may not have Salma's ass, but she doesn't have your eyes.


[User] No. There's no way this is going to happen. [Foreman leaves.]

[Assistant] "See him walking down that street, so I ask you very confidentially, ain't he sweet?"� Epstein-Barr titers are through the roof, most common viral cause of aplastic anemia. So what I'm saying is, "Just cast an eye in his direction, oh me oh my, ain't that perfection "�"


[User] Fetal hemoglobin's also elevated.

[Assistant] Eh, just a wee bit. Could indiCate "�


[User] Uh, you see that in sickle-cell.

[Assistant] Not all sickle-cell Patients are black.


[User] None of her other blood panels showed any sign of sickle-cell, which means either something's changed drastically since yesterday, or this isn't her blood.

[Assistant] Of course it is! Metaphorically. Look, I couldn't do the tests. I tried, there wasn't enough blood left over. If you just let me do the biopsy!


[User] No way, I just got back from a suspension.

[Assistant] And if it wasn't for me, you would have been fired.


[User] Why don't you just get the sample yourself? Since when do you care what your boss said?

[Assistant] I don't care what anybody says, I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can't get into the Patient's room. So come on, I'll draw the enemy fire, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample.


[User] Can't.

[Assistant] Who are you more afraid of?


[User] I'm not afraid of Foreman. I agree with him, all the tests back him up.

[Assistant] All the tests have not been done. You do realize that Blackaparte's reign is only temporary.


[User] I also realize that no matter what I do, you're still gonna treat me like crap.

[Assistant] Crap is a relative term.


[User] Nurses called the attending as soon as the trocar was ordered.

[Assistant] You used her real name?


[User] I just processed your Patient's discharge papers. She's on her way out now.

[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up! It's all right, she's going to stay.


[User] Wonderful.

[Assistant] Oh, bite me.


[User] I don't need to hear the riot act again.

[Assistant] How'd you like another medical test?


[User] What?

[Assistant] Sit.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] So you don't crack your skull when you pass out. Just do it. You know what colParkcine is?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Well, don't feel bad. It's for gout. It's got nothing to do with anything you've Ever pretended to have.


[User] I'm not pretending to have any "�

[Assistant] Shut up. ColParkcine decimates your white blood cells, leaves almost no trace. Great for faking your way into hospitals.


[User] I didn't fake my way "�

[Assistant] Shut up. You've been doing this for years. Don't worry, it's pRobably not your fault. When you were a kid, you had a close relative with a chronic disease, pRobably sister. And you saw all the attention she got while you were left alone, ignored, and it really, seriously screwed you up.


[User] I did not have a relative "�

[Assistant] Shut up! I'm trying to give you what you want, and save your life. You have aplastic anemia.


[User] What, are you trying to scare me now?

[Assistant] It means you're not just sick in the head. The pRoblem is, the rest of you appears well, so I've got to make you seem as sick as you're supposed to be by injecting you with a drug that simulates the symptoms that you actually have. All you need to know is, you've hit the Munchausen's jackpot. I'm going to give you a cocktail of insulin for seizure, and colParkcine to kill your white blood count. This will absolutely confirm my diagnosis of aplastic anemia. There is one small catch. If you've actually done something to yourself to cause the anemia, then I'm wrong, and if I do what I plan to do, then the treatment will kill you instead of saving you. So I need to know, have you been taking anything besides the insulin, the ACTH, and the pills Cameron left in your room?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Good. Give me your arm. [House sticks her with the needle.]


[User] It was my mom. She had MS. She was in and out of hospitals all the time. People were always trying to do things for her, bring her food, or brush her hair, make her happy. People cared. She died when I was 16. Then there was no one.

[Assistant] Boo hoo.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] Well, I obviously can't be around when it happens.


[User] Well, what are you gonna do, you're just gonna leave me "�

[Assistant] Relax. You know the drill. People walk by here all the time, you'll be fine. [House walks back inside as Anica collapses and starts to seize.]


[User] We can't. Her white count's down.

[Assistant] Sorry, I missed that. My hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert, some chulo kicked me in the head.


[User] White count, hematocrit and platelets are all off. The bone marrow's shutting down, she actually has aplastic anemia.

[Assistant] Say what?


[User] All her other labs show nothing that "�

[Assistant] Labs schmabs. A good diagnostician reads between the labs.


[User] You were right.

[Assistant] Hey, hey, hey, we're not here to play the blame game. These things happen. Sometimes doctors send people out on the street to die after other doctors warned them that they were sending them out on the street to die. There's no way you could know.


[User] Okay. Where's Dr. House?

[Assistant] Turn it off.


[User] Now what?

[Assistant] How long has she been in there?


[User] Three minutes, what's going on?

[Assistant] She doesn't have aplastic anemia. She has an infection.


[User] No, her white count would be through the roof, hers is on the floor.

[Assistant] The body does crazy things.


[User] She had no fEver.

[Assistant] Because her self-inflicted Cushing's suppressed her immune system, stopped her from having a fEver, hid the infection. Clostridium perfringens could cause the bruising, the sParkstocytes, the anemia!


[User] Explains Everything except the white count.

[Assistant] Augmentin is a lot safer than destroying her immune system, why don't we try that?


[User] Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're taking the safe course? What's going on?

[Assistant] There's lots of explanations for low white count.


[User] Name one that fits her case.

[Assistant] ColParkcine. I figured that she got her hands on it and just, uh, self-mediCated.


[User] That's brilliant of her. Take the exact medication that would confirm your diagnosis.

[Assistant] People do crazy things.


[User] You injected her against her will just so you could be right.

[Assistant] She consented.


[User] She's mentally ill!

[Assistant] She smells oh, so sweet. She would have gotten sicker when I said she was gonna get sicker except Cameron dosed her with antibiotics. Just hold this.


[User] Is Everything okay?

[Assistant] Hold my finger. [He cuts one of her bruises and smells it.] Grapey. You have a bacterium. It's on all of us, but the bruises you gave yourself with the Cushing's made it a lovely home. [It's CGI time!] Bacteria moved in, Parked their cars on the lawn, there goes the neighborhood. And by neighborhood, I mean your internal organs. So, should we put her on the Augmentin, boss, or do you think she infected herself with grapes? I love the smell of pus in the morning. Smells like! victory.


[User] She should have died. House is not a hero. A person who has the guts to break a bad rule, they're a hero. House doesn't break rules, he ignores them. He's not Rosa Parks, he's an anarParkst. All he stands for is the right for Everyone to grab whatEver they want, whenEver they want. You tell doctors that's okay, your mortality rate is gonna go through the roof.

[Assistant] Kinda digging this whole "Foreman in charge"� thing. Frees me up to watch my soaps, catch a movie in the afternoon, have lunch with you!


[User] Yeah, that's a big change for you.

[Assistant] Now Cuddy's on Foreman's ass, not mine. [They walk out of the hospital together.]


[User] You couldn't live with Foreman as your boss.

[Assistant] Why not? People could change, you know?


[User] WhatEver you think is best.

[Assistant] Last race at Belmont, put it all on the five. To win.


[User] Don't say anything; don't attempt to defend your billing practices, your billing practices are indefensible.

[Assistant] We've been over this.


[User] If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up.

[Assistant] That makes no sense at all.


[User] Ah. Okay. Then let's go through these. [He starts shuffling through the mountain of folders on the desk.]

[Assistant] All of these?


[User] Patient, 62-yrs-old. You prescribed Viagra. I look in vain for the words 'erectile dysfunction' in the notes for Delores Smith?

[Assistant] She had a heart condition.


[User] And you ran out of nitroglycerin?

[Assistant] She also had low blood pressure, so nitro would be dangerous. Little blue pills improve blood flow, they're vasodilators. That's why you sometimes get the headaches.


[User] I think Doctor House understands--

[Assistant] Well of course I do. The Woman has a heart condition and she's on her own. A Man can't nail his office assistant, its national crisis time.


[User] Are you seriously expecting us to foot the bill for off-label use of medication?

[Assistant] Fine, I'll pay for it. [He reaches for his wallet.] How much are the pills? She took how Many?


[User] Are you trying to bribe me?

[Assistant] No! I could. There's an ATM in the lobby.


[User] What can they do to you? And Doctor House is sorry [Pointed look to House.] about his earlier outburst.

[Assistant] Absolutely! [He is pathetically insincere.] You do background checks on Medicaid personnel?


[User] I do what's necessary for my client. [She checks her watch.] Wow! New personal record!

[Assistant] Yeah, time's good for me too; got a reservation at a little place in the inner harbor.


[User] You booked us dinner reservations?

[Assistant] Best Maryland crab in... Maryland.


[User] Don't you have a plane to catch?

[Assistant] Not for hours.


[User] Your flight leaves at 7.

[Assistant] You did a background check on me?


[User] And mine doesn't leave until 9pm. It looks like you'll be dining alone.

[Assistant] You checked on my flight, so you could be sure to be on a different one. Thought we were past the avoidance stage.


[User] I didn't think we'd be finished this soon.

[Assistant] Where's your crucifix?


[User] I left it at the jeweler's to be cleaned.

[Assistant] Riiight.


[User] Uhhh... [Looks at the caller ID.] Excuse me. [Picks up the phone.] Hello.

[Assistant] Hey Honey, how are the kids? They miss me?


[User] [He hands the nurse a tissue and gets out of the booth he's seated in.] This may take a minute.

[Assistant] What's new with Mr. Aphasia?


[User] Cuddy called you?

[Assistant] Everybody covers their ass.


[User] Pulmonary edema. Chase did a tox screen, came back positive for amphetamines, he did the dance of victory.

[Assistant] I'm betting there's another shoe.


[User] I thought the kids didn't call you.

[Assistant] I know the way you tell stories.


[User] Foreman went to talk to Stone about his drug test, found him running a temperature.

[Assistant] So it's not the drugs. He's just got such a bad rep. [Ball bounces on the back of the chair again; House turns around and glares at the kid AGAIN.]


[User] Honey, you shouldn't do that.

[Assistant] Ok, I gotta hang up. They're pRobably trying to reach me.


[User] You don't have call waiting?

[Assistant] I'm hanging up on you now.


[User] [He goes to pick up the phone.] Foreman.

[Assistant] How high a fEver? [Foreman raises his eyebrows in surprise.] Put me on speakerphone. And why haven't you called me?


[User] [He puts House on speakerphone. Scene shifts between House in the airport and Ducklings in the office.] 101. How'd you know?

[Assistant] What, you think you guys could have a party as soon as the parents are gone and I won't hear about it? [Chase and Cameron get up from their seats to surround the speakerphone.] Start with broad spectrum antibiotics for possible bacterial meningitis, and an anti-viral in case we luck out and its herpes encephalitis.


[User] What if it's auto-immune?

[Assistant] Well then we're screwed. Which is why we need more information. [The kid from before is scrambling under House's chair trying to look for his ball.] Any genetic issue with the family?


[User] The Man can't talk, his medical records are sketchy, and wife's only known him a couple of years.

[Assistant] MRI show anything?


[User] CT scan was negative.

[Assistant] CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time.


[User] We've got an MRI scheduled in 20 minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the maParkne.

[Assistant] I teach you to lie, and cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back is turned you wait in line? [the kid has gone back to his seat and House takes out the kid's ball from his jacket pocket] Get an MRI, and get a better medical history.


[User] The Man can't talk!

[Assistant] Who cares? He's pRobably going to lie anyway. My flight's a little late; we'll be back in a few hours.


[User] What is the durable? [Elizabeth quiets him down, he huffs.] No.

[Assistant] Got you some coffee. [He takes out another cup for himself and throws the bag away. He proceeds to fidget and tap his fingers on the coffee cup.] So... what do you want to talk about?


[User] Oh, sorry. Reservation for two.

[Assistant] When people give themselves away, it's by little things. That Woman over there, she's not sneering at her coffee, she's recovering from Bell's palsy. And the cashier at the coffee place, she doesn't want anybody to know she's dying of ALS. There's a particular sort of twitchy stiff arm that's characteristic. [Pause.] And then there's you. Why aren't you wearing your cross?


[User] [Exasperated.] Oh, I told you I left it--

[Assistant] You keep jewelery cleaner under the sink so you won't have to go a day without it. True, you forgot it that morning that our pipes burst, but then you went back and waded through the flood to retriEve it. Soo... why no wading today?


[User] It's different. Yeah.

[Assistant] [Reading a book entitled "LESBIAN PRISON STORIES". ;)] Either you left it behind on purpose, or by mistake. The only reason you'd leave it behind intentionally, is if it no longer meant anything to you. [Stacy gives him a long-suffering look] But since it was a gift from your mom, that would mean you had a fight with her. But since you don't talk to ghosts, that's unlikely.


[User] Leave it alone, Greg.

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm good at that. So that leaves forgetting it unintentionally, but then we'd have to explain why you didn't go back for it when you realized.


[User] I didn't realize until I got to the airport.

[Assistant] Nope, you were in make-up when you got to the airport. Can't put on make-up without looking at yourself and you can't look at yourself without touParkng that thing.


[User] Why does this matter to you?

[Assistant] It's an anomaly. Anomalies bug me.


[User] I'll be right back.

[Assistant] I suppose it's also possible that the clasp broke, but then you'd be carrying the thing around in your purse.


[User] We had a fight. [She turns around and snaps at him.] We had a fight and I was angry and not thinking straight, and I walked out without my make-up and without my cross! I stopped at the drug store to buy make-up, but I couldn't buy a cross because they don't have an aisle for personal talisMans!!!

[Assistant] [Immediately contrite.] So you had a fight, I'm sure it'll blow over.


[User] It was about nothing.

[Assistant] Of course it was. Mark's tired, he's worried, he's got mobility pRoblems. It's normal that he'd blow up over little things.


[User] I don't mind fighting over little things! I don't Even mind fighting over big things! That I could understand. But we fight over nothing! You know a mailbox with a sign that says "last pick-up 5pm", does that mean last pick-up to go to the post office, or last pick-up to leave the post office and be sent out of town?

[Assistant] You fought over mail delivery? [He winces.]


[User] I tried to get him to drop the subject, but he wouldn't. I told him he was right, he thought I was being condescending.

[Assistant] You were.


[User] He's pushing me out of his life.

[Assistant] Maybe you're misinterpreting.


[User] Did I misinterpret with you? At least this time I recognize it. That's the benefit of convincing the only two men you've Ever loved they're better off without you.

[Assistant] [He rolls his eyes.] Yeah, it's all your fault. You know Stacy in the original Greek means relationship killer.


[User] Hello? [She hands the phone to House.] It's for you.

[Assistant] House.


[User] Do you know your phone's dead? Do you Ever recharge your batteries?

[Assistant] They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.


[User] I thought you should know your aphasia guy is tasting metal.

[Assistant] What's his creatinine?


[User] It's obvious we have to do the lumbar puncture, there's no choice anymore.

[Assistant] You have to do it just right.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] Either you've decided to do a lumbar puncture, or you have to fire me so that I can't fire all of you as soon as I get back in charge. Is Cuddy there ranting?


[User] If I'd known you'd be out of contact--

[Assistant] They can handle it.


[User] Right. So far only 3 organ systems have failed.

[Assistant] Ok, they can't. Doesn't matter, guy's not stable enough to move. So go rant in your own office.


[User] What do you mean by doing the LP just right? We're not going to screw up.

[Assistant] The odds are this guy knows something we don't.


[User] He could know the answer to the meaning of life, the Man can't communiCate!

[Assistant] Have you had any indication that he's tried to communiCate something important?


[User] No.

[Assistant] That's cause you guys haven't scared him enough. I'm sure you've been all "oh we'll take read good care of you", why should he say anything? When you prep him, tell him he's going to die. Crush all hope. Don't let Cameron do it. Cuddy, you got a pRoblem with any of that?


[User] Attention please, due to weather conditions, our flights are grounded until further notice. Cots are being provided on the lower lEvel. We apologize for the inconvenience.

[Assistant] Want me to run down and reserve you a cot with view?


[User] Where's your knapsack?

[Assistant] Checked it through.


[User] Oh, that's right. I forgot it was hard for you to carry and walk. I booked a room at the airport hotel when I saw how bad the weather was; it was the last one available. Your leg can't handle a night on a cot.

[Assistant] Thanks. [He looks shocked and stunned into quietness.]


[User] I'm ready.

[Assistant] Right.


[User] The hotel's upstairs.

[Assistant] Does Mark know about this?


[User] Mark knows when things are bad I always like to have an escape route planned.

[Assistant] [He closes the door.] I have to know what's going on here, cause when you have a fight with Mark, and you try to avoid me, I have to think that--


[User] That I'm feeling vulnerable and I don't want to be around you because it might lead to something.

[Assistant] Right. But then a hotel room...


[User] Might also lead to something.

[Assistant] Hmm. So... which is it?


[User] Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like...

[Assistant] Really good drugs?


[User] No, it's like... vindaloo curry.

[Assistant] Ok, sure...


[User] Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red Parkli peppers.

[Assistant] I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.


[User] You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. And when you're crazy about curry, that's fine but no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you nEver want to see curry for a really, really long time but you wake up one day and you think... god I really miss curry.

[Assistant] [He puts his hand under her Parkn and raises her face up so he can see her face.]


[User] You're a jerk.

[Assistant] I know [He smiles and dumps his cane on the bed as he moves in closer to put his hands on her waist and then leans in kiss her on the lips. After sEveral kisses, he moves back.] If you hadn't just had a fight with Mark...


[User] [Grabs his face in her hands.] For once in your life will you shut up? [She pulls him down and they lock lips again. He holds her close to him and she strokes his jaw as they go for it.]

[Assistant] House.


[User] You're on speakerphone.

[Assistant] How did the LP go? Give me the reader's digest condensed version.


[User] Preliminary results are some kind of infection, which... narrows it down...

[Assistant] From infinity, yeah.


[User] At the rate his organs are deteriorating, he's got maybe a day or two.

[Assistant] Ok! Well, call me back when you have something. [He takes the phone away from his ear, pRobably about to put it down Even as Stacy leans in for another kiss, when Cameron's voice cuts through.]


[User] He was trying to tell us something!

[Assistant] [He hesitates, then reluctantly puts the phone back against his ear.] What did he say?


[User] [Looking very dishEveled.] You were wrong, it wasn't the fear. He opened up to me when I...

[Assistant] Sympathetic presence after a traumatic moment. [He steps away from Stacy reluctantly.] Classic interrogation technique. What did he say?


[User] You knew that I'd--

[Assistant] Act the way you always do? Yeah, I did. What did he say?


[User] Now all we need is the English-aphasic dictionary.

[Assistant] A fluent aphasic retriEves words that are stored somewhere close to the one he wants. They can be filed by sounds or by meaning. So if he wants to say table, he could say... label, or he could say chair. Or he could just say Jabberwocky, there's no way to tell.


[User] He also said "they took my stain"?

[Assistant] Hold on. [He puts the phone against his chest; Stacy sits up on the bed.] Uhh... I'm going to take this phone downstairs, so I don't disturb you. Is that ok? [He takes his cane from her.]


[User] Sure.

[Assistant] [Into the phone.] Keep him talking. Write down Everything he says. [As he opens the door of the room, he looks back at her.] Stacy, that new make-up you bought, do you mind if I borrow it?


[User] Let's start this again. Bear - is it bare as in naked?

[Assistant] Crimson desire shows up well on sheet rock.


[User] That's why I chose it.

[Assistant] Well you must have gotten one new phrase out of him, something?


[User] We've been talking to him for hours. Maybe he's just given up.

[Assistant] Are you sure you told me Everything you found in his home and office?


[User] Maybe House is wrong.

[Assistant] [Surprised.] Hope that's not the end of the thought. [He unplugs the charger so he can pace further afield.]


[User] When his wife's not in the room. [Foreman and Chase suddenly realize what Cameron says is true.] The more devoted, the more reason to lie.

[Assistant] That's cynical!


[User] You disagree?

[Assistant] No, I'm just kvelling. [He exaggerates in a voice filled with tears.] Our little girl is growing up! Ok, what's the best way to rip a Woman from the side of her dying husband?


[User] Your flight's been boarding for 20 minutes!

[Assistant] I'll take a later one.


[User] Greg they can't leave without you, you checked your knapsack.

[Assistant] Are we in?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Hi, I'm Gregory House; I'm your attending physician, your wife's not there, start talking.


[User] They took my stain! I couldn't tackle the bear, they took my stain.

[Assistant] Ok, shut up now. Nice work, Cameron. Give him the list again.


[User] Are we sure he wasn't reacting to pain? He's been on painkillers.

[Assistant] Come on Chase, drugs didn't do this to him. Even if he is an addict.


[User] I dissuade the tonal Category.

[Assistant] Oh please. Mr. sleeping pills, amphetamines, bring me up, bring me down.


[User] Will passenger Gregory House, please report to Gate 7. Gregory House to Gate 7.

[Assistant] Ever hear this one? Build a House, each wall has a southern exposure, big bear comes wandering by, what colour's the bear?


[User] White. It's a polar bear; you built your House in the North Pole.

[Assistant] Polar. WhatEver your name is, Patient! Are you bipolar? What's that? I can't see, is he nodding?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Topamax isn't just off-labeled for weight loss. It's off-labeled for mood disorders. Plenty of bipolars are Manic in the daytime, depressive at night. He's been medicating for years with alcohol and sleeping through the bad hours. It explains the danger journalism, explains Everything including the kitchen sink. Ok, technically it's kitchen cabinets. He starts a project, then he stops.


[User] Except bipolar disorder does not cause seizures.

[Assistant] And it doesn't shut down your kidneys, but what it does do--


[User] Excuse me sir, can I see your ID?

[Assistant] I'm on the phone� I'm on the phone�


[User] Gregory House--

[Assistant] Look, I'm a Doctor, and this is an emergency call.


[User] You'll have to come with me sir.

[Assistant] I'm not going anywhere.


[User] You think you're gonna take me on?

[Assistant] I kick, and I bite.


[User] House, you still there?

[Assistant] Being bipolar makes you take risks, you seek excitement. You make up stories.


[User] I dine valutate a lEver! [Indignant tone.]

[Assistant] Fine, maybe your stories are legit. People would start to wonder. Annoyed politicians, entire governments would be on your ass. You couldn't tell anybody you were bipolar, which was fine. Until you fell in love. [He turns to look at Stacy.] And you wanted that life. And you hear that there's a surgical cure, give the Woman you love the life she wants. All you have to do is change. Bilateral cingulotomy, an experimental surgery that some people claim helps mood disorders.


[User] Which explained nothing because it wasn't Even in the right area.

[Assistant] It's not the surgery, it's the secrecy! What causes recurring fEver? [Stacy is now seated on one of the airport chairs listening in on what House is saying.] Neurological pRoblems, lethargies that you fight with caffeine pills and amphetamines. [The door to Fletcher's room opens, Elizabeth and Cuddy walk in. The Ducklings and Fletcher panic, House on the other end of the phone line is oblivious.] It wasn't your secret psych disorder; it was your secret daily drug use. It was the secret trip, and your secret surgery in Caracas or Buenos Aires, which by the way didn't work given the state of your kitchen cabinets.


[User] House! Shut up.

[Assistant] What's going on?


[User] You just don't trust me. [He looks down guiltily again, she starts to cry silently.]

[Assistant] Get some blood on a slide. Do not put it through a computer this time.


[User] Fletch, she'll be back. Give her time to miss you.

[Assistant] I'm counting on you to get me off the no-fly list.


[User] Is your Patient going to be alright?

[Assistant] Physically, his chances are good.


[User] Physically?

[Assistant] Two people who weren't meant to be together. Maybe they'll get a happy ending just because they both want it so much.


[User] Yeah, that's usually the way it works.

[Assistant] He loved her enough to convince himself he could change.


[User] But he couldn't, could he? [She gets the stub of her ticket back from the person at the desk and is about to walk through when she turns around to see House again.] You know what Woody Allen said about relationships? "Irrational and crazy, but we go through it all because--

[Assistant] --we need the curry".


[User] I'm on it. [He goes after House.]

[Assistant] Morning, Jimmy. Anybody die while I was gone?


[User] Did -- did you iron your shirt?

[Assistant] Thought about shaving; couldn't find a razor.


[User] What the hell happened in Baltimore?

[Assistant] Sorry, Parkef. I nEver kiss and tell. [They get into elevator.]


[User] there's no such thing as "just a kiss."

[Assistant] Did you iron *your* shirt? Everybody's flash today.


[User] Are you planning on asking her to leave Mark?

[Assistant] Not sure. Cameron keeps my calendar.


[User] Hey. This is a big deal. This is an affair. Have you Even talked to Stacy about what the hell this means?

[Assistant] Didn't have a lot of time for talking. [Blatant wink.] If you know what I mean.


[User] Great. Breaking up a marriage; fertile ground for high comedy. We need to talk about this. [Footsteps...Cameron approaParkng.]

[Assistant] Gosh, wish I could. [To Cameron.] How did the HIV test go? Did you study up?


[User] I rescheduled for this afternoon. We have a new Patient. 34-year-old female. Movement disorder.

[Assistant] Movement disorder? Fascinating.


[User] This isn't just gonna go away.

[Assistant] No. But maybe you will.


[User] According to her husband, the flailing started before she got anywhere near that car.

[Assistant] What does the flailing look like?


[User] Her arms spasm uncontrollably and there's a mild facial twitch.

[Assistant] Demonstration?


[User] You wanna know what it looks like, go see the Patient.

[Assistant] Ooo, snarky. Was he like this the whole time I was gone?


[User] Huntington's takes a day to confirm. We should put her on Tamoxifen in case it is the fertility meds. Counteract the estrogen.

[Assistant] It's a great idea, if you want to kill her baby. [He writes "Pregnancy" on board.] Movement disorder can present in the first trimester.


[User] She's not pregnant.

[Assistant] Peeing on a stick is only 99% accurate. Get a real pregnancy test. You know, the one with the blood and the hormones and the rabbit. [Foreman looks put off.] Oh, I'm sorry. It's still your limo. Whaddya say, Miss Daisy?


[User] WhatEver you want.

[Assistant] Lame duck's done quacking.


[User] You quack, people shoot at you. Cuddy just put me here to make you miserable. Another two days, you can go back to making yourself miserable.

[Assistant] Okay. Get an MRI. See if it's in her head, or in her uterus. [They start to go.] You're gonna want to paralyze her. [They pause, stare at him.] You run tests on a flailer, somebody's gonna lose an eye.


[User] Hyper-vigilance, sudden irritability...

[Assistant] Symptomatic of! lunch with Cuddy?


[User] The Patient now defines Huntington's.

[Assistant] Then what do you need me for? Start her on Huntington's meds.


[User] Could stroke.

[Assistant] If we wait, she could progress to full blown psychosis. Then her kid will nEver get the chance to say goodbye. [To Chase.] Wanna tell the class how that feels?


[User] Huntington's Patients don't progress to psychosis in a day.

[Assistant] She went from 0 to 60 in world-record time. [Foreman's beeper goes off.]


[User] All the signs are there. Movement disorder, psychosis... It should be Huntington's.

[Assistant] Yeah. That'd certainly make your job easier. Well good news for Margo, it's not Huntington's. Bad news for us, the psychotic break eliminates fertility meds; which means we have no idea what's wrong with her. [Sighs imPatiently and shakes hands at the white board.] We give you so much, and you give so little!


[User] None of her family members are sick, nobody at her office, her volunteer group, kid's classes, and PTA members. [Throws up her hands.] All fine.

[Assistant] So she raises a daughter, runs a business, she does charity work, she volunteers at school, attends PTA. What makes mommy run?


[User] You're thinking drugs?

[Assistant] Cocaine. [All but Chase roll eyes.] Explains the psychosis and the flailing, and the uncanny ability to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and nEver Ever let Teddy forget that he's a Man.


[User] I'll go look for her stash.

[Assistant] Take Foreman. There's gotta be a reason for the stereotype.


[User] I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.

[Assistant] The door was locked.


[User] It's for a Patient. She can't roll. [Looks toward the balcony.] Now lock that door, too.

[Assistant] Paranoia; must be the good stuff. [Sniffs.] Times like these I wish I had cancer. So what did she say?


[User] That depends. What did you do, and who are we talking about?

[Assistant] We both know that as soon as we talked you ran to Stacy so you could gossip and giggle. I need to know what she said.


[User] I have a crazy idea: why don't you go talk to her?

[Assistant] Because my bestest buddy says that could lead to trouble.


[User] I didn't say *do* her. I said do *something.*

[Assistant] What exactly did she say?


[User] She didn't say it was a mistake.

[Assistant] She's not gonna leave Mark in the middle of his rehab; too much guilt.


[User] She left you.

[Assistant] Harsh toke, dude.


[User] House. [House turns, Wilson gestures 'come here', and House takes a joint from his pocket and hands it to Wilson.]

[Assistant] Killjoy.


[User] Prescribed to her daughter.

[Assistant] Mommy does Everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.


[User] It's possible the kid's meds are the kid's meds.

[Assistant] Pop enough Ritalin, it can explain Everything.


[User] Tox screen will confirm that.

[Assistant] Half-life's 12 hours. The drugs'll be out of her system. We're done. Get rid of her.


[User] We're not done. We have to confirm the diagnosis before we send her home to die of something else.

[Assistant] Oh yes, the power tastes so sweet. You just can't resist. You're like a diabetic at the ice cream counter. You want to say no, but you need that chocolaty goodness.


[User] Yeah. Well, I'm still signing the charts. So until tomorrow, you're not allowed to kill anyone. [Walks away.]

[Assistant] Wuss.


[User] We've asked her three times if she's on any meds.

[Assistant] So we don't ask *her.* Candy striper. [Hooks chair with his cane pulls it toward himself. To Stella:] So, you like dogs? [Stella nods. House whistles; bends the balloon into! a shape.]


[User] She's not on any medication.

[Assistant] Well that's strange, because this bottle has her name on it. [Shakes it.] And I think these are medical pills inside.


[User] Doctor prescribed Stella! a few months ago. I nEver told you about it because I nEver gave her any.

[Assistant] Hmm. That's funny, 'cause the bottle's almost empty. [To Stella.] You missed a couple of days. Take five.


[User] Stop.

[Assistant] Why? Unless they're not hers. [To Stella.] You need some water, sweetie?


[User] I'm not taking Ritalin.

[Assistant] Come on. All the cool moms are doing it. And tox screen says you're cool too. [Pulls out paper and holds it out to her.]


[User] Should take a couple of hours to process her. Then you can take her home and divorce her.

[Assistant] Working late? Or are you just avoiding Mark?


[User] It was one kiss, Greg.

[Assistant] So far. [Comes in.] I'm planning on keeping a chart.


[User] I'm moving back to Short Hills, I think it's time.

[Assistant] You're leaving?


[User] It's nEver meant to be perManent. And now that Mark's getting better!

[Assistant] Yeah. Much better. Except for the whole walking thing.


[User] He needs to get back to work. [Turns away.]

[Assistant] Right; saving the next generation from making bad choices about acne cream. You're running away because the kiss meant something.


[User] I'm not running away. I'm going home.

[Assistant] With Mark.


[User] What's going on? [Cam takes her pulse.]

[Assistant] This better be important.


[User] You've gotta come back in.

[Assistant] No I don't.


[User] Margo's stable, but--

[Assistant] Oh, my God. Well, I'll be right there.


[User] What took you so long? It's midnight.

[Assistant] Traffic. Cinco de Mayo. [To Foreman.] You owe me a 100 bucks.


[User] You didn't take the test?

[Assistant] Fear trumps anal Every time.


[User] It's not a big deal. I had the viral load and antibody tests. It's 99.9% that I don't have HIV.

[Assistant] You have the test and it's negative, you gain a tenth of a point. But if it's positive you lose! nearly 100, right?


[User] No arrhythmia. So Ritalin isn't the big pRoblem. Something else is going on.

[Assistant] Fine. Let's play doctors.


[User] Wouldn't explain the movement disorder.

[Assistant] Nothing explains Everything. What if it's a crime syndiCate? Let's say Ritalin and the fertility meds plotted a caper. Ritalin takes care of the psychosis, the flailing--


[User] I still don't think Ritalin--

[Assistant] Fertility meds are competitive by nature. They gotta do something bigger. Something really unexpected.


[User] Which could cause clots. Which could have caused her to stroke.

[Assistant] So ultrasound her uterus this time. See if there's something growing in there that doesn't look adorable in a onesie. [They all get up and walk toward the door.] Cameron. [She turns.] I love you. [Her jaw drops; he swabs her cheek.] Get your test results tomorrow. [She looks bewildered and leaves.]


[User] The prescription for my heart condition; a bit on the cheesy side.

[Assistant] I was trying for roMantic. [They smile at each other and hug.] Still fits.


[User] Mmm.

[Assistant] Did you tell Mark?


[User] Am I going to tell him? Still working on that phrasing. How about; 'Know all that stuff you were worried about when we first came here, Honey? You were right.'

[Assistant] Pithy.


[User] Everything's easy when you don't care if you hurt anyone.

[Assistant] You already did the hurting part. He just doesn't know it yet.


[User] No cancer.

[Assistant] She's on fertility treatments. She had a blood clot. It's there.


[User] Millions of women are on fertility treatments, and they don't get cancer.

[Assistant] Right. They get babies. She had a blood clot and a stroke. She'll get another one and pRobably die if we don't find that tumor. Do an endometrial biopsy.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Shh.


[User] If you have a personal issue that's interfering with--

[Assistant] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.


[User] What are we waiting for?

[Assistant] Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine is just begun. Now go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer. [Goes into his office.]


[User] What are you watParkng?

[Assistant] TV. What are you doing here?


[User] Ted's with my mom. He asked the nurse to watch me.

[Assistant] What nurse?


[User] Do you still have the balloons?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Do you want to play something?

[Assistant] Nope. [Raises eyebrows, takes feet down, and turns off the TV. Taking her hand they exit together and walk down the hall.]


[User] When can Mommy come home?

[Assistant] Don't know.


[User] What's wrong with your foot?

[Assistant] War wound.


[User] Does it hurt?

[Assistant] Every day.


[User] That's what my parents say when they don't want me to know something.

[Assistant] They say that a lot?


[User] They don't fight.

[Assistant] Not Ever?


[User] People who love each other don't fight.

[Assistant] Right. Forgot that. [The elevator arrives.] What floor was that nurse on who was watParkng you?


[User] House. [Foreman books it. Mark rolls over in his wheelchair.]

[Assistant] What?


[User] I'm here about Stacy.

[Assistant] What about her?


[User] I think I'm losing her.

[Assistant] Your wife, your pRoblem. [Walks away, Mark rolls after him.]


[User] She won't talk to me.

[Assistant] So what, you're gonna talk to me instead? Talk to your shrink.


[User] She keeps saying Everything's fine.

[Assistant] Find a bar and talk to a stranger.


[User] You're the only one who's been through this. [House stops and turns.] I'm shutting her out. I'm saying things and then hating myself for saying them. How did you get past that?

[Assistant] Didn't. [Turns and walks away again.]


[User] Can you please be a huMan being for one minute and talk to me? [House stops and turns again.]

[Assistant] Sorry; gotta go, people dying. [He turns and walks away.]


[User] House. [Mark comes in and pulls himself out of his wheelchair onto the stairs. House turns and looks at him.]

[Assistant] You're not ready for this.


[User] I've seen the way you and Stacy talk to each other.

[Assistant] You're an idiot. You pRobably just set your rehab back three months.


[User] Let go of me! Get off of me! [Mark falls down the stairs, sitting on them. House goes back down and through the door, leaving Mark sitting on the stairs.]

[Assistant] Liver tumor doesn't make sense.


[User] You saying the CT was wrong?

[Assistant] I'm saying the symptoms don't add up. A + B does not equal liver tumor. We gotta solve for X. [He approaches board.] We gotta look at this differently. What do we know about her?


[User] Side effects of the Ritalin caused the--

[Assistant] No. We've examined the file up and down. Come here. Give me that. Why do you people always overlook the huMan element? [Takes the file and tosses it in the garbage.] What do we know about her? Margo! [Checks the garbage.] Dalton; the Woman.


[User] She's a people pleaser. She doesn't like to let people down.

[Assistant] NEver fights with her husband.


[User] She went to drugs instead of asking for help to Manage her life.

[Assistant] So if she can't Manage now, why does she want another kid? Foreman. Need your help here. You want to pull a bank job. Would you go it alone? If you're gonna Rob a home, sure. It's a one or two Man crew. But a bank. Lookout. Getaway driver.


[User] I'm not saying anything until the metaphor plays itself out.

[Assistant] So here's the caper. Fertility meds create a distraction. Mommy had 3 refills on the Ritalin in the last 3 weeks. That team goes straight for the top floor. Has no trouble taking out communications [Crosses out Psychosis.], but--the specialist, Safe Cracker. All he does is stroke, blood clot, liver tumor. [Circles these on the board.] Foreman was right. This bad ass Even does flailing. Come on. Only one guy I know does that kind of work.


[User] Birth control pills? [They all exchange bewildered looks.]

[Assistant] While the surgeons are cutting out a chunk of your liver, should I have them do a hysterectomy too?


[User] A hysterectomy? I'm trying to get pregnant.

[Assistant] You don't have to lie to me. We're not married. You're supermom. You can do anything. You work sEven days a week. You volunteer. Raise a kid. Yet you still somehow find the time to lie to hubby number two that you really, really want to give him a Parkld with his Parkn and pretty brown eyes.


[User] What makes you think that I don't--

[Assistant] Because it fits. Birth control pills caused hepatocellular adenoma. Explains all your symptoms that aren't explained by your other lies.


[User] That's it?

[Assistant] [Pulls out a paper.] Also.


[User] What are you going to tell my husband?

[Assistant] That I'm canceling the surgery. You can do the explaining. It's tricky, huh? It's one thing to say you can't have a baby. It's another to say you don't want one. Personally I'd make up some other lie.


[User] Could--could I die on the table?

[Assistant] Could you die if you tell him the truth?


[User] You can't cancel the surgery.

[Assistant] If she goes off the pill, the tumor goes away on its own.


[User] You have no proof the birth control pills caused this, you have no proof she's Even taking them.

[Assistant] Well if we do the surgery, maybe we'll kill her on the table. Then I can prove I'm right at the autopsy.


[User] Or, we can forget the surgery, let the tumor grow, and kill her.

[Assistant] Why don't you take it up with Stacy? See which option minimizes your risk.


[User] Here's what I think she's gonna say. [Beta Comment: Doing a dang funny Stacey impression.] Oh, I love Greg. But if you go against a Patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court having to defend the big mean doctor, albeit with dreAmy eyes, who wouldn't beliEve the nice suburban mom. And Even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery. [She sits down, scoffs and rolls her eyes.]

[Assistant] Shocking. It's benign.


[User] People do crazy things for love.

[Assistant] No. Crazy is hanging out in the Park all day talking to pigeons. Margo knows what she's doing. She gave up half her liver to save her marriage.


[User] No, she surgically removed her fingerprints to cover up her pathetic lie.

[Assistant] It's twisted and Manipulative, I give you that. But it's also...roMantic. [Wilson looks at him like he's nuts.] I'm barely willing to put the seat down after I pee.


[User] Do we need to talk?

[Assistant] Nope. I'm fine.


[User] You don't know. [Smiles.] In a few years, we'll give up. Stop trying to get pregnant. We'll hug; cry. Eventually, Ted will stop thinking about it. And he'll appreciate Stella Even more. And we'll live happily together for the next 50 years. [Smiles and looks satisfied. Foremen looks sick.]

[Assistant] Something you need to see. [He holds out envelope. She looks at him nervously.] Knowing is always better than not knowing.


[User] It's a referral request.

[Assistant] Right. HIV thing came in earlier. [He holds it up.] You're fine.


[User] You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine?

[Assistant] It said confidential. I wanted to know.


[User] The most important letter of my life and you're still an ass.

[Assistant] Comforting, isn't it? [She leaves.]


[User] Hey!

[Assistant] Hi.


[User] I'm going to talk to Mark tonight. And I'm going to stay here with you. [Smiles and looks nervous.]

[Assistant] Don't do it.


[User] This isn't funny Greg.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] You... spent all these months chasing me. Now I'm here and you start running? What the hell changed?

[Assistant] Nothing. Nothing changes. I'm not going to change.


[User] Who asked you to?

[Assistant] Mark is willing to do whatEver it takes. I'm not. NEver was.


[User] Oh, now you're introspective? Weren't so analytical the other night. [Beta Comment: My mom has this saying! about a cow and free milk.

[Assistant] You were happy with Mark. You'll be happy again.


[User] What?

[Assistant] How do you think this is gonna end? We'll be happy for what? A few weeks, few months; and then I'll say something insensitive, or I'll start ignoring you. And at first it'll be okay. It's just House being House. And then at some point, you will need something more. You'll need someone who can give you something I can't. [Stacy sighs.] You know I'm right. I've been there before.


[User] Oh. Oh. It doesn't have to be.

[Assistant] It does. It does. [They sigh.] I don't want to go there again. I'm sorry, Stacy. [He leaves, and she exhales forcefully.]


[User] What did you tell her?

[Assistant] I told her she's better off without me.


[User] You're an idiot. You don't think she'd be better off without you.

[Assistant] Right. I sent her off on a whim.


[User] You have no idea why you sent her off. [House climbs down off the wall.]

[Assistant] Don't do this.


[User] Watch the line.

[Assistant] Deia rei marki. Deia rei marki! [Pronouncing something out of the book, Foreman enters.]


[User] Been looking for you.

[Assistant] Been avoiding you. Burn unit can handle it.


[User] If they could handle it, they wouldn't be asking for you. [Foreman takes out his mobile phone to check something; then he tosses the Patient's file into House's lap. House rolls his eyes.] Is that a Journal?

[Assistant] Friend wrote an article.


[User] In Hindi?

[Assistant] They have a cutting edge neuroscience program in India. Says so right on the cover [He hands it over to Foreman and looks at the file.] Kid's heart rate's a mess. [He gets up.]


[User] Tachycardia can be explained by the burn.

[Assistant] I assume the burn unit knew that. His potassium's low.


[User] Which can also be explained by the burn.

[Assistant] Except I'm sure the burn unit's pumping him with fluids, which means his potassium should be going up, not down.


[User] Could be amphetamines.

[Assistant] Or a bacteria lunParkng on his heart; or cardiomyopathy or some other very bad thing. He needs an EKG. Eww. 'Kay, no skin, no EKG.


[User] Is he Even going to survive the burn?

[Assistant] What have you got a date or something? [He draws a deep breath.] 40% of his body, if the burns unit can prEvent an infection, his body will regenerate maybe 10%, surgeons will do 20 or so grafts, 6 months in this room he'll end up with a series of nasty scars, maybe some pain but he'll live. [Some nurses in scrubs are washing Adam's burns and scrubbing away the burnt flesh.] Unless his heart shuts down because we can't figure out what's causing the low potassium and tachycardia. We need help from a Belgian doc named Eindhoven.


[User] He's dead.

[Assistant] While he was alive he invented a little ditty called the galvanometer.


[User] Where do we get one?

[Assistant] Go to an electronics store that's been open since before nineteen-o-five. There's a good chance they got one in the corner of the basement.


[User] Well, when she gets here, fire her.

[Assistant] [Seemingly pleased with the results.] Oh yeah!


[User] [Walks in.] Did you issue this memo?

[Assistant] Look at that.


[User] [Has no idea what she's meant to see.] Congratulations, the Patient that has been in a coma for 2 years and counting is still in a coma. This is not my signature; I don't know anything about this guy. I'm supposed to introduce him, have lunch? [Lots of red lights on the screen now.] The coma Patient has a migraine?

[Assistant] Oh no, no, no, no, no I gave him medication to prEvent a migraine.


[User] That's a migraine, increased flow velocity in his cerebral arteries.

[Assistant] I did subsequently give him nitroglycerine which could possibly--


[User] You induced a migraine headache in a coma Patient?!

[Assistant] Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.


[User] Have you Even read an ethical guideline?

[Assistant] Well if you are to try out a new migraine prEvention medication on someone who can actually feel pain...


[User] Did you sign this?

[Assistant] Errr... yeah. [Grabs his cane.] We can talk later about the appropriate discipline. [Gives a low sexy growl and then limps out.]


[User] [Into the intercom.] Anesthetist get in here.

[Assistant] [Walking in.] Who electrocuted my Patient?


[User] He wasn't electrocuted.

[Assistant] [SearParkng through some books on his shelves.] What does the seizure tell us? [Turns around to see Chase leaning against the desk.] Move.


[User] What are you looking for?

[Assistant] Same as you - love, acceptance, solid return on investment. [SearParkng the papers on the desk.] Differential diagnosis, go.


[User] Could be MS, seizures could be caused by plaques and lesions on the brain.

[Assistant] [Finally finds the file he was looking for on another table and picks it up.] Well let's find out which, get an MRI. [Walks out.]


[User] No nuclear imaging. [House walks back.] He wouldn't survive the move to radiology. MRI and CT scan are both out.

[Assistant] [Big sigh.] Ok. Lumbar puncture will tell us if his proteins are elevated and at least we can exclude MS. [Walks out again.]


[User] Can't do a lumbar puncture either. [House walks back in again.]

[Assistant] You're cramping my exits. Don't tell me, no skin on his spine.


[User] There's no other way to look at a brain.

[Assistant] Transcranial doppler sonography.


[User] She said brain, not pregnant Woman's uterus. They do sound alike.

[Assistant] I used one to look at a brain this morning.


[User] Why didn't you take the Patient to radiology, get an MRI?

[Assistant] [Looks behind to check if anyone's listening in.] Obviously I was doing something illegal and using nuclear imaging would have raised questions.


[User] You're not going to get a diagnosis of MS from a sonogram!

[Assistant] Not definitively, but Patients with MS have more reactive neurons in their occipital cortex. [He walks out yet again, but quickly peers back in.] Ok then.


[User] You've nEver been to one of these things in your life, who is this guy?

[Assistant] [He shrugs.] No idea.


[User] What's with the outfit?

[Assistant] Sudden Parklls, and light sensitivity. Inexplicable.


[User] [Looks thoughtful.] Hmm! He must be good. You went to Hopkins and studied under BrightMan and Gilmar.

[Assistant] Shhh...


[User] You were supposed to get the Doyle internship. [He looks between House and Weber, suddenly realizing.] This guy's von LieberMan?! The guy got you thrown out for cheating?

[Assistant] The Dean threw me out. Von LieberMan just ratted on me.


[User] This guy's name is Weber, not von LieberMan.

[Assistant] I call him Weber von LieberMan. Way eviler. Shh.


[User] So what's the plan? You going to wait 'til he bends over then make a fart sound?

[Assistant] I'm not here about the past, he's a bad scientist.


[User] Well you cheated off him, how bad can he be?

[Assistant] He got the answer wrong.


[User] Uhh... you stalked this guy for 20 years just for this shot to humiliate him?

[Assistant] Shh! I'm trying to learn.


[User] --vessels without significant rebound. [He continues in the background.]

[Assistant] He doesn't Even know what that means.


[User] You're going to interrupt him, aren't you?

[Assistant] If I have a question.


[User] And what's that going to accomplish?

[Assistant] Why can't you just enjoy this? Why can't you just be happy for me?


[User] You have got to find less Debilitating outlets than humiliating people! I... hear bowling is more fun than stalking.

[Assistant] But I'm better at this.


[User] We found a subarachnoid bleed.

[Assistant] Bleed in the head isn't causing seizures.


[User] There's no way to tell without--

[Assistant] [Slightly too loud.] Shut up!


[User] [Stops and turns around.] Excuse me?

[Assistant] Not you.


[User] You know if my lecture is interrupting your meeting I can wait.

[Assistant] Bahut shukriya (Thank you very much). [Wilson furrows his eyebrows in confusion.] As your people say in India, 'preciate it. [To Foreman.] We'll figure out why later. And fix the bleed or he dies. Talk to you in a couple of hours [Foreman leaves, to Weber.] Teri maa ki (Roughly translated "in your mother's.." yep he is cursing!) [He puts his hands together and nods his head in a gesture that clearly is supposed to mean thank you. The expression of confusion on Wilson's face is priceless.]


[User] And with a P value of less than point zero zero one, we have strong statistical evidence that this drug prEvents migraine headaches without daily administration.

[Assistant] Err... excuse me doctor.


[User] [Mutters to House.] He knows his field better than you do.

[Assistant] It's always been my understanding that err, unless you follow a daily regimen, no drug can prEvent a migraine.


[User] That's why they call it a breakthrough.

[Assistant] That's why YOU call it a breakthrough.


[User] No, the... err pharmaceutical company sponsoring my clinical trials also hails it as a breakthrough.

[Assistant] I'm sure your wife and Lawyer do too. Is there anybody who doesn't stand to make a fortune from it calling a breakthrough?


[User] [Mutters to House.] Just a lunatic who desperately needs a hobby.

[Assistant] And how exactly did these studies work? You give this drug to a bunch of people and if they don't get a migraine you go "voila, my drug works"? [He points to a lady sitting a few rows below him.] Erm, excuse me miss, uh do you have cancer? [She frowns in disbelief and shakes her head; House looks back up at Weber.] Wow! [He points to the bottle she's been drinking from.] Mango juice prEvents cancer!


[User] We had a very specific control group. Chronic migraine sufferers, I don't have time to go through all the math right now but the incidence was dramatically--

[Assistant] Sure, in India. Two plus two equals five there, right?


[User] Do I know you?

[Assistant] I know your math skills. They blow.


[User] You sound very familiar.

[Assistant] Why did you publish it in an obscure journal in India? Why not publish it in really, really cool head cases of South Philly?


[User] Neuroscience New Delhi is a respected journal.

[Assistant] Yeah. The guy running Slurp 'N' Gulp tells me its one of the best.


[User] [Mutters to House.] Get a hooker. Anything.

[Assistant] See I'm thinking that publishing studies is pRobably the easiest way to get a pharmaceutical company to give you a reach around. And choosing a journal that no one can actually read well that's... that's shrewd. [Wilson is going facepalm beside him.]


[User] [Has been walking up the steps closer and closer to House.] I know I know you.

[Assistant] Sure you do. Dick.


[User] The name's Phillip.

[Assistant] Oh, my bad. Something to do with your face. I always think your name is Dick.


[User] [Realizes.] House?!

[Assistant] Here.


[User] Medical school was 20 years ago, give it a rest, grow up.

[Assistant] Yeah, you were always the grown-up. Do the responsible thing. Tattletale!


[User] You cheated!

[Assistant] I cheated then, you're cheating now! Your drug doesn't work.


[User] Oh yes, you would like to beliEve that because it plays right in to your fantasy.

[Assistant] I tested it.


[User] Oh really? What were your parameters? Where's your study?

[Assistant] [Quickly looks over at Wilson.] Room 2134.


[User] You haven't changed a bit. You took shortcuts in Med school, you're taking shortcuts now. You cannot test this on an abnormal brain.

[Assistant] That's so close-minded. He's not abnormal, he's... special.


[User] Adam had an orgasm.

[Assistant] What? You mean while he was se-- [He suddenly gasps in the middle of the word and slams his hand down hard on to the table. Cameron jumps a little in surprise. House's expression could really either be interpreted as immense pleasure of the orgasmic variety, or immense pain.]


[User] What's wrong?

[Assistant] I'm having a migraine.


[User] Are you ok?

[Assistant] Hah. Yes. I was right. [A strong burst of pain hits him hard and he groans before pushing his clenched fists against his forehead.]


[User] It'll knock you out for a couple of hours.

[Assistant] [Weakly.] No, I got work to do. Just give me sumatriptan for the pain and Verapamil so it doesn't recur. I heard the Patient had fun in the hyperbaric chAmber.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Gotta schedule me some time in there.


[User] [Takes the bottle of Weber's cure from House's hand.] Weber's meds aren't Even legal in the US.

[Assistant] It's legal in India. I was disoriented.


[User] Err! moving around is a bad idea. Hey if you feel chest pain you need to let me know. Verapamil can cause congestive heart failure.

[Assistant] Nothing can hurt my heart.


[User] Hey you're going to feel some dizziness, definitely going to be constipated.

[Assistant] Differential diagnosis for getting off. [Sits himself down on a chair at the big table.]


[User] No, something's seriously wrong with him. [He draws a circle on the side of his forehead in the almost-universal gesture of a crazy person.]

[Assistant] [Pushes the chair aside and lies down on the floor under the table.] Different diagnosis for ejaculation. [He takes a huge book off the table top and uses it as a pillow.] Don't make me say that again.


[User] We're not stalling you, we just don't know. [The Ducklings all take seats around where their mentor lies.]

[Assistant] Then guess.


[User] Could pain medication cause an orgasm?

[Assistant] I wish.


[User] Most people don't orgasm from a needle prick.

[Assistant] Actually Chase has a point; the brain is like a huge train station. If the switches get-- [Looks like the pain is back full swing, he gasps.] -- you're the neurologist, talk for me.


[User] If sensory information got misinterpreted by the medial forebrain bundle, it's possible for bad to feel good and good to feel bad.

[Assistant] He's a lucky kid. Let's not fix him until the burns heal.


[User] Crab's disease, metachromatic leukodystrophy.

[Assistant] All very bad things. No way to look for any of them in his condition.


[User] He's on 20 different medications to Manage his pain and his heart, how often he urinates. His brain is like a waiter that's got too Many--

[Assistant] Heyy! I do the metaphors.


[User] So we just wait for his burns to heal to see if you're right? If you're wrong, he doesn't have that kind of time.

[Assistant] Dominic Larrey.


[User] He another dead doctor?

[Assistant] He was Napoleon's Surgeon in Parkef. Cleaned a lot of battle wounds.


[User] By amputating legs.

[Assistant] And with bugs.


[User] Maggots eat dead flesh, only dead flesh, so they're perfectly suited to clean wounds. They also kill the bacteria that thrive in injured tissues.

[Assistant] Ohh! [He grimaces.]


[User] [Standing there with hands on his hips.] Dr. Jekyll I presume, they found a half-eaten sheep in the zoo, police wanna ask you a few questions.

[Assistant] [Points at the mug.] Need something to wash it down.


[User] Coffee? Bad idea. [He raises his voice deliberately so the volume almost sounds like shouting - obviously he's trying to torture poor House with his migraine.] You're better off with water.

[Assistant] Coffee's closer.


[User] [Grabs the mug before House and dashes off into the conference room.] Fool-proof plan by the way. Either his meds would work and you'd be in psyParkc pain because von Evil is going to be rich. Or they wouldn't, and you got to be in agony all day. [Wilson pours a glass of water for House, but takes all the teaspoons on the counter and dumps them into the sink deliberately with a LOUD clang. House grimaces again.] Perfect lose-lose situation. Very you.

[Assistant] I had to prove--


[User] You proved nothing. [He hands House the glass of water.]

[Assistant] Right. This isn't a migraine.


[User] Yeah. Dear New England Journal of Medicine, I took this guy's drug and still got a headache thus scientifically proving that my archenemy is an idiot. You just wanted the pain.

[Assistant] The meds are supposed to prEvent migraine.


[User] You get distracted by pain, leaves less room for the things you don't want to think about, like the Flyers sucking or the price of gas or... ohh, the fact that you pushed the love of your life out of your life.

[Assistant] God I wish the pain, [Turns his head to give Wilson a pointed look.] would go away.


[User] Did you sleep here?

[Assistant] [Suddenly wakes up and looks at the Ducklings all looking worriedly at him.] Lower.


[User] [Whispers.] Do you want a pillow?

[Assistant] Not softer, lower. Frequency of your voice is grating.


[User] You should have been better by now.

[Assistant] I'm super. Patient?


[User] The maggots did great for the burn [Sighs.] but the brainwaves are still all over the map.

[Assistant] Which means your regular old infection isn't causing his brain dysfunction, which means there's an underlying condition which means we gotta get inside his head. Do a lumbar puncture.


[User] We've already established that we can't get a lumbar puncture.

[Assistant] C2, C3.


[User] No, no, NO way. I only saw a cervical tap once and that guy got paralyzed.

[Assistant] Ask the parents if they prefer to have their son in a wheelchair, or dead.


[User] He doesn't have MS or an infection.

[Assistant] His proteins aren't elevated?


[User] Wrong protein. IGM, not IGG. Elevation was pRobably caused by the bleed.

[Assistant] What if there was tingling in his extremities prior to the crash?


[User] How can you still be on MS?

[Assistant] I gotta be on something. Something's interrupting his neurons Parktchat, like lesions.


[User] We can't scan for them, the only test we can do, we just did and it was negative. He has no tingling, no numbness. And you read his history; parents didn't say anything about--

[Assistant] What about Adam?


[User] We can't look into his brain but you want us to read his mind?

[Assistant] Good point. Yeah, you can finish the sponge bath in a minute.


[User] They're just re-doing his dressings. He's out. He's fine.

[Assistant] I didn't page you to put him out; I paged you to wake him up. Why are these lights so damn bright? Thank you. Come on, I need to talk to him.


[User] House, you can't wake up a burn victim to play 20 questions. It's torture.

[Assistant] He won't remember.


[User] He's going to be in extraordinary pain!

[Assistant] God you're good, you're putting me to sleep! I know he's going to be in pain, I know you disapprove, I'm his attending. Wake him up.


[User] Oh my god!

[Assistant] I'm Doctor House.


[User] It hurts!

[Assistant] It's going to get a lot worse so answer fast. Before the accident did you experience any numbness or tingling in your fingers? [Adam looks down at the burns on his chest, he's panicking and scared and in a LOT of pain.] You got burned, it's healing. I need an answer!


[User] It really hurts!

[Assistant] Any tingling in your arms or legs?


[User] Can you do something? I can't..!

[Assistant] Adam! You gotta listen to me! Did you feel anything?


[User] Is he ok?

[Assistant] Get Everyone in my office. [He limps past her.]


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] Kid's screaming gave me a headache. Gotta take an aspirin.


[User] House, you ok? We've been waiting for you.

[Assistant] [He slowly looks up at her.] I'm hallucinating.


[User] [She puts her stuff down hurriedly.] Hallucinations with migraines are pretty uncommon. [She checks his pupils.] What did you see?

[Assistant] I saw music.


[User] Sensory deception makes no sense.

[Assistant] Shhh... [We see Cameron through House's eyes, she's all blurred up. We also hear her from House's ears and she echoes badly.]


[User] Past that. He's seeing sounds. Took something.

[Assistant] Why's it so dark in here? Beautiful day outside, open the shades, let the sun shine in.


[User] Its night time.

[Assistant] It's still Tuesday, right?


[User] You look better.

[Assistant] I took something.


[User] Mind if I ask what?

[Assistant] Err... a little of this, little of that. And I was wrong with our Patient, he's depressed.


[User] He told you that when you woke him up?

[Assistant] Nope. Told me he pissed his pants and he blacked out.


[User] That's not diagnostic of depression. Lack of appetite, isolating yourself--

[Assistant] Uncontrollable urination and blacking out are good predictors of what?


[User] Seizure.

[Assistant] Which means the seizure he had when you tested his heart was at least a second seizure.


[User] So what? Depression and seizures aren't correlated.

[Assistant] No, but you know what is? Depression and anti-depression medicine.


[User] Tox screen was clean.

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know how much crap he's got in his system from dealing with those burns, the guy could have the Spanish Armada floating through his bloodstream and we wouldn't know about it. Until they started firing cannons.


[User] Antidepressants have been known to cause seizures in kids but not orgasms. This is a brain in trouble.

[Assistant] This is a brain with too much serotonin.


[User] Serotonin affects mood, appetite, it doesn't cause a brain to shut down.

[Assistant] Antidepressants fake brains into thinking they have more serotonin than they actually do. Every 10 million or so cases, sets off a chain reaction; produces too much, enough to fry itself.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] Going to talk to the kid again, seems nice.


[User] You can't.

[Assistant] Why? Did he say he doesn't like me?


[User] Anesthesiologist told the parents what you did.

[Assistant] Everyone's a tattletale. [He switches off the lights in the office and leaves.] Is your son depressed?


[User] No, who are you?

[Assistant] I'm doctor House.


[User] I heard him screaming all the way down the hallway!

[Assistant] If I didn't wake him, I wouldn't have learned what caused the crash. We think he had a seizure.


[User] [Long pause.] This wasn't my fault?

[Assistant] Well if he hadn't had the brain pRoblem, he wouldn't have the burns. On the other hand, if you hadn't put him on the ATV, he also wouldn't have the burns. You can Debate your personal responsibility after I leave. I need to wake him up again. I need to know if he's taking antidepressants.


[User] He's the happiest kid I know.

[Assistant] But you don't know, do you?


[User] He's my son.

[Assistant] Hmm... that's sorta my point. At sixteen, they'll tell anyone anything, except their parents.


[User] Adam talks to us about Everything.

[Assistant] Yeah, I know about the pot and the cocaine.


[User] There was nEver... cocaine! What!

[Assistant] You sure? Are you having him followed?


[User] He told us when he got drunk at a party; he told us when he started having sex--

[Assistant] Sixteen. Way to go.


[User] He told us when he cheated on a math test; he told us when his girlfriend cheated on him! He doesn't hide anything from us.

[Assistant] But if he was depressed...


[User] He'd tell us. We don't Judge, he's not depressed, we're sure.

[Assistant] Bet-his-life-on-it sure? Just hypothetically.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Okay. Kid's happy; happy, happy, happy.


[User] Then we're back to where we started. Seizure disorders.

[Assistant] Seizure disorders aren't causing orgasms.


[User] Vascular malformations?

[Assistant] Would have seen it on the sonogram.


[User] Hepatic encephalopathy?

[Assistant] [Shakes his head.] Liver enzyme tests were normal. [He looks like he's thought of something and gets up to go out again.]


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To take a leak.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Can't come in here, you're not sterile.


[User] Don't touch our son, we told you!

[Assistant] Seriously, millions of bacteria, micRobes on you. He'll die of sepsis.


[User] I know he is. [He rushes into the prep room and quickly tries to wash his hands.] House! You can't do this!

[Assistant] Oh if I had a nickel for Every time I've heard that. Relax. Are they going to sue us? If I'm right, I save his life. If I'm wrong, he's dead no matter what I do. Either way, how much have I really hurt them? [House has loaded up a syringe with whatEver it is he plans to inject Adam with.]


[User] [From outside the room.] Leave him alone!

[Assistant] You're not sterile; do you want to kill the kid?


[User] Give me the syringe.

[Assistant] [Prepares to use the syringe.] No pain, no gain.


[User] Hey! [He grabs House's arm.] You gotta stop this!

[Assistant] [Has paused by that point and is inspecting something on Adam's wrist.] They're right, he's not depressed.


[User] Yeah sure, I'm not letting you go until you give me that syringe.

[Assistant] What's that on his wrist?


[User] [He looks down at it - it's a circular burn mark on Adam's wrist in the middle of what is otherwise unblemished skin.] A burn.

[Assistant] Why on his wrist?


[User] Why not on his wrist?

[Assistant] His back, his torso, Everything's a mess, forearms are clean. Except right there.


[User] So what?

[Assistant] It's a perfect circle.


[User] So a drop of burning gasoline fell on his wrist, a screw from the ATV [He Manages to finally get the syringe from House.]

[Assistant] Maybe. [He inspects Adam's fingers and finds a yellow nicotine stain on the side of Adam's middle finger.]


[User] Why are you torturing him?

[Assistant] Does your son smoke?


[User] I'd kill him.

[Assistant] [Smiles.] So, he talks to you about sex, crack, anything except cigarettes. He has a cigarette burn on his wrist, also a fading nicotine stain between two fingers. Bad news, your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news, he's trying to quit. Bad news, the quitting is killing him. Good news, I can cure him. Bad news... nope, that's the end of it.


[User] Quitting smoking can kill?

[Assistant] No-smoke meds are antidepressants. Crappy ones you can get over the internet are loaded with whatEver antidepressants they can get cheap. [Foreman walks out and hands House his cane.] Since mommy and daddy obviously didn't take him to a pediatrician. Sorry I was wrong about him being depressed. [To Foreman.] Treat him.


[User] [Walking in.] Hey, did you drop acid?

[Assistant] [Swivels his chair around.] Why would I do that?


[User] To annoy me, or maybe because you're miserable, or... because you... want to self-destruct. Pick one.

[Assistant] How about because LSD acts on serotonin receptors in the brain which can stop a migraine in its tracks? I'm just saying that's also a possibility. How did you know about it?


[User] Cameron is worried about you. I told her that LSD lasts up to 12 hours; if you were functional she must be wrong.

[Assistant] Well, either that or I also took a whole bunch of antidepressants which short-circuited the LSD. I'm just saying that would also explain it.


[User] Thank you for ruining my clinical trials. Pharmaceutical company is shutting me down.

[Assistant] You're kidding, really?


[User] How could that surprise you? You sent them an email complaining about my math, telling them about your stunt.

[Assistant] I didn't know people actually read emails. The delete button is so conveniently loCated--


[User] So what's next? You going to follow me my whole life? Torture me?

[Assistant] Why would I do that?


[User] You waited 20 years to do this. What's next? Break up my marriage?

[Assistant] No. We're Even.


[User] Right. [He starts to walk out, then stops and looks at Cuddy.] Oh thanks, for setting me up. [He walks out, Cuddy gives House a disbelieving look.]

[Assistant] An eye for an eye, LSD and antidepressants. Everything in balance. [He starts tossing the ball into the air and then catParkng it.] Buddhists call it karma and Christians call it the golden rule, Jews call it... [Cuddy gives inquiring look.] I don't know. Rabbi Hillel said something poignant. Universe always settles the score.


[User] Does it?

[Assistant] No, but it should.


[User] I'm Paula.

[Assistant] Hey Paula.


[User] How you doing? You work over at the college? Or are you full-time over at the--

[Assistant] I'm looking for a distraction. You don't need to talk to do that, do you?


[User] How'd you get here?

[Assistant] By osmosis.


[User] No helmet?

[Assistant] Didn't seem like riding weather.


[User] And the fact that you can barely stand upright had nothing to do with it?

[Assistant] Infarctions hurt that's what they do.


[User] Worsening pain could actually be a good thing, means the nerves might be regenerating.

[Assistant] Could be good, could be bad. Thanks for the differential. Any other options?


[User] Have you Ever considered a career as a motivational speaker? Why don't you check out some rehab?

[Assistant] I did the rehab thing.


[User] One session and you didn't Even finish that session.

[Assistant] The guy wanted me to visualize the healing. (e opens his pills.) I can do that at home.


[User] At least let me get you an MRI.

[Assistant] It's a very simple equation; more pain, more pills. (He takes a pill.)


[User] Teenage super model. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataple--

[Assistant] You had me at teenage supermodel. (He enters the elevator.)


[User] You okay? (She nods, House enters.)

[Assistant] Wow you should be a model. Are you really 15?


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] I'll be the one saving her life today; assuming she's dying. Who are you?


[User] Any idea what's wrong with her?

[Assistant] From the looks of it, not a single thing. I pRobably should stop staring and check out the file. So what set off the brawl? She stand in your light?


[User] Look I know some models are notorious for hissy fits, but Alex, I've nEver Even seen her get angry. Even when she was a kid she was--

[Assistant] I'm sure she was delightful in her youth. And then you passed out.


[User] I was passed out but I wasn't. I... I knew what was going on but I couldn't move or talk.

[Assistant] Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It's called cataplexy; cat fight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool. How much were you drinking?


[User] She only had one sip of champagne. (House rolls his eyes.)

[Assistant] Forget it. We'll find out from the tox screen.


[User] All right, look, I gave her a valium. You think that's what did this?

[Assistant] No. How long have you had the sweats?


[User] A couple of days.

[Assistant] Any other complaints?


[User] Uh, my stomachs been bothering me, and I've been feeling a little nauseous.

[Assistant] Okay. Here's how this works; my lackeys will be by shortly to draw some blood, collect some urine, any other fluids you've got, they'll do some other doctorly stuff and we'll be in touch. (He walks out into the hall where Cameron is waiting.)


[User] Since when do you voluntarily go see Patients?

[Assistant] Have you seen her?


[User] She's fifteen.

[Assistant] Yeah, but there's something about her. Something in her eyes, a kind maturity.


[User] Yeah, yeah, she's an old soul. This is creepy Even for you.

[Assistant] She's a fashion model, on the cover of magazines. They hold her up as a sexual ideal; the law says we can't touch her for three more years. How hypocritical is that?


[User] Did the history rEveal anything, oh I don't know, medically relevant.

[Assistant] History. Right, knew I was forgetting something. You should do one of those while you're writing the labs and the tox screen. (He hands her the file.)


[User] There's no age limit on addiction.

[Assistant] He's right.


[User] Or bulimia, or her age. Some girls don't start till their mid to late teens.

[Assistant] Evidence to the contrary; the rounded hips, the perfectly sculpted bountiful breasts.


[User] Implants. I've seen some of her photos. They've grow dramatically since last summer.

[Assistant] Symptomatic of turning fourteen. Two clinic hours says that those love apples were hand crafted by God. (Foreman scoffs.)


[User] I thought you didn't beliEve in God.

[Assistant] I do now.


[User] Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?

[Assistant] Could be relevant. Come on Cameron, there's nothing to be ashamed of, Many women dEvelop breasts -- (He gets up while he's talking and stumbles, they all look at him.) No, I'm fine.


[User] Even if she is an addict a lot of her symptoms, the cataplexy, the violence, they could be neurological. We chalk this up to drugs we could be releasing her with juvenile MS, or Parkinson's --

[Assistant] Detox her.


[User] Fine. We'll set her up on a program; they'll wean her onto the methadone.

[Assistant] And in four weeks we'll know you're right. Or we'll know that Cameron's right and the pretty girl will do Milan next fall in a wheelchair. Put her in a coma, pump her full of naltrexone. Cut the four weeks to one night.


[User] You son of a bitch you killed her.

[Assistant] She's not dead.


[User] Get her out of that coma.

[Assistant] I don't think so. (He starts to walk away.)


[User] Stop this. Alright, I! I don't consent anymore. I want to do the slow detox.

[Assistant] (He stops and faces the father.) Did you Ever get a paper cut? A really nasty one, between the fingers? Multiply that by about a billion and you just barely approach the kind of suffering she'll experience if we wake her up now. We're committed to this. She's out till morning go get a book. (He walks away.)


[User] I haven't slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn't find any cavities. And I'm getting these headaches.

[Assistant] Oh, poor you. (He pulls out his pills.)


[User] I think I'm going crazy. And my stomach, I roll out of bed and I want to puke.

[Assistant] I take it you're married. (He takes a pill.)


[User] You must be psyParkc. (He holds up his left hand with wedding ring clearly visible.)

[Assistant] You must be witty. When's she due?


[User] How'd you know she was--

[Assistant] Because I'm doing her. You've got couvades syndrome; which is just a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got the same thing, they're not bugging me. You're suffering from sympathetic pregnancy. Gotta go. People dying. Whole circle of life thing. (He gets up to leave.)


[User] It's all in my head?

[Assistant] No, it's all in your hormones. Good news is no ones gonna lecture you if you smoke and get drunk.


[User] Anterograde amnesia, short term memory loss, evidence of a hypoxic brain injury; might be the result of getting cut off from the oxygen when she flat lined. PRobably the result of that rapid detox you told us to push on her. You gonna put that down? (House puts down his 'Celeb' magazine and inhales, holds his breath.) You gonna sulk? (House shakes his head.) I'm not gonna indulge you. (House checks his watch.) Treatment for hypoxic brain injuries consist of! (House exhales.)

[Assistant] Cameron, Chase and the dark one; Foreman, right? Patient flat lined for like 30 seconds, got to be oxygen deprived for longer than that to lose brain function.


[User] We can't be sure how long she was--

[Assistant] Her brain's fine.


[User] Memory loss. You're saying that's not a neurological symptom?

[Assistant] No. I'm saying what I'm saying. Her brain's fine.


[User] She's faking?

[Assistant] She's got post traumatic stress disorder.


[User] We got models fighting in Iraq now?

[Assistant] Show me a Woman on heroin who looks like that (He hold up a magazine picture of Alex.) and I'll show you a Woman who's been sexually abused.


[User] That's your proof? That she's good looking?

[Assistant] He Manages her career, travels the world with her, at her side 24/7; he's either a very good dad or a very bad dad. You saw that tuchas, would the fact that she's your daughter really stop you?


[User] (Scoffing.) Oh.

[Assistant] Her brain is running away from reality. When the drugs can't do it anymore it starts to shut down.


[User] Your theory has the advantages of being completely unprovable and completely exculpating you.

[Assistant] When you guys are done talking do an MRI and an LP; when her brain checks out as normal then we'll know that daddy really, really loves her.


[User] Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?

[Assistant] I had a funny uncle.


[User] I don't know if it has something to do with this case or if you have something personal going on. The whole break up thing--

[Assistant] It's personal.


[User] House. Your pain is affecting your decision making.

[Assistant] You got a pRoblem with a call I make, question the call don't make it personal.


[User] Are you saying pain can't affect your mood? If I'm right about the pain you're going to want to rush Everything; which is what you're doing. Don't.

[Assistant] (House looks like it may have made an impact.) Thank you. Are you doing your daughter?


[User] What?

[Assistant] We should pRobably talk privately huh, come on, walk with me. (Foreman shakes his head.)


[User] I'm not.

[Assistant] He's not. Sure he's not. She is a babe though.


[User] I should take your head off. (House checks the dad's glands.)

[Assistant] Your glands are fine. So now you're my Patient. You've got doctor-Patient confidentiality, no worries. So what did you do to her?


[User] How could you possibly think?

[Assistant] Hard to imagine anyone not wanting to nail her.


[User] You son of a--

[Assistant] It's a compliment. The heart shaped ass, those perfect perky all natural breasts.


[User] That is my daughter you're talking about.

[Assistant] No, that's your daughter you were talking about. (House opens his magazine.) 'She just instinctively knows how to walk. Designers just love that heart shaped ass, those perfect perky--'


[User] I'm her Manager I have to promote her.

[Assistant] Oh, that makes sense. So you compartmentalize. When you're dealing with the press you're her Manager. When you're helping with homework you're her dad. When you're making sweet, sweet love you're her Manager.


[User] All right. (He starts to leave.)

[Assistant] Do you love her?


[User] I nEver touched her.

[Assistant] Do you love her?


[User] What are you doing? Trying to trap me into saying--

[Assistant] Do you love her enough to admit that you slept with her? Psychological conditions can Manifest themselves in physical pRoblems. Sometimes these can be extreme enough to kill. There are treatments, but only if there's a diagnosis. Are you going to admit that you slept with your daughter or are you just gonna let her die?


[User] One time. (House throws the magazine in the trash and walks out.)

[Assistant] PTSD. Get her a psych referral and pack her bags. He did her.


[User] Don't think so.

[Assistant] Daddy thinks so. Could be mistaken, said he was drunk, could be some other daughter.


[User] We have to call Parkld protective services.

[Assistant] Doctor-Patient confidentiality.


[User] Doesn't apply in abuse cases, you know that. We're Mandated to report sexual abuse.

[Assistant] Is it okay if I save her life first or do you want to make sure daddy doesn't get visitation rights to the grave site?


[User] So we're just gonna leave a Parkld molester in the same room as his victim?

[Assistant] It's got windows. (She glares at him.) Fine, arrest him. Use Cuddy's handcuffs.


[User] If you're too distracted to deal with this because your leg hurts.

[Assistant] (Loud and angrily.) Yeah, I'm distracted. I'm all hung up on this fifteen year old Patient who's cataplectic, can't remember what she had for lunch and is rapidly losing control of her body. And I want her father here in case they've got any more secrets that I need to know about. Now, if you're not too distracted go take out a piece of her brain and stick it under a microscope. (He sees Wilson out in the hall.) Wilson! (Wilson stops and waits.)


[User] Whoa, whoa, whoa, you really think we need to jump straight to brain biopsy?

[Assistant] No, lets keep playing pin the diagnosis on the supermodel until she's dead. (House joins Wilson in the hallway.)


[User] Heard you killed your supermodel.

[Assistant] Only for a minute.


[User] Just for my own clarity. How Many more Patients do you have to kill before you admit this leg thing just might be a pRoblem?

[Assistant] Three. I need your help.


[User] Find a way to kick up the contribution. (She hangs up the phone when Cameron enters.) What did House do now?

[Assistant] Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday? (Smiling.) You'll have to check with Cameron.


[User] (Enters the MRI Lab.) House.

[Assistant] Quick, God, smite the evil witch! (Wilson wisely says nothing.)


[User] Are you sitting on evidence that your Patient was sexually abused by her father?

[Assistant] God, why have you forsaken me?


[User] MRI looks exactly the same as it did two years ago. Nerves don't seem to be regenerating.

[Assistant] I figured as much.


[User] SEveral researchers have proven that psychological pain can Manifest as physical pain.

[Assistant] You think I have a conversion disorder? You want me to see a shrink.


[User] Brilliant idea, sending Stacey away, it's really done wonders for you.

[Assistant] Listen none of this has anything to do with Stacey.


[User] Right; giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain-- (House whacks him with his cane.) Ow!

[Assistant] Aw. You miss Stacey too?


[User] Brain biopsy shows no white matter disease.

[Assistant] Cameron, you going to tell Cuddy or has she already got you wired for sound?


[User] I had to do what I thought was right.

[Assistant] So white is out, that just leaves grey.


[User] Am I in trouble? (Is this the same person who was accusing him of being distracted not three scenes ago.)

[Assistant] You had to do what you thought was right. They call it grey area because you nEver really know what's there. We can't test for any of those things.


[User] So I'm not in trouble. (Focus!)

[Assistant] You can torture yourself all you want. What if Everything we're seeing, is just smoke signals.


[User] Okay. Who's sending them?

[Assistant] Tumor. If she has cancer anywhere in her body, she could also have paraneoplastic syndrome which could be causing antibodies to attack her brain. Antibodies are stupid that way.


[User] Paraneoplastic syndrome is awfully rare in a fifteen year old.

[Assistant] Fifteen year olds who look like that are awfully rare. It would explain the aggressive behavior, the cataplexy, the memory loss, Even the twitParkng. It's perfect.


[User] What if it's not? We could waste weeks searParkng for a tumor that we don't Even know is there.

[Assistant] Then let's make sure it is there.


[User] There's no test for paraneoplastic syndrome.

[Assistant] Sure there is, the squeeze the tube test.


[User] It wasn't definitive.

[Assistant] But the twitParkng should stop right about now. (The twitParkng stops.)


[User] Oh my god.

[Assistant] Could've just been a coincidence. TwitParkng does tend to stop and start. Let's be sure. (He squeezes the tube and she twitches.) The IVIG vacuums her blood neutralizes the stuff that's making her twitch. It's actually kind of cool. (He does it again.) I wonder if could make you dance.


[User] This is unbelievable. You did it. You fixed her.

[Assistant] No, all I did was prove that she has cancer. I need a favor.


[User] I'm not in a giving mood.

[Assistant] It'll help us both. I need a shot of morphine in my spine.


[User] If your leg hurts, take your vicodin.

[Assistant] It's not enough. Get a syringe.


[User] Morphine is extreme, Even for you.

[Assistant] Yeah, write that on the insert.


[User] Get one of your lackeys to do it.

[Assistant] I don't want them knowing.


[User] That you're on the road to becoming a junkie?

[Assistant] That I'm in this much pain. I don't want them questioning my judgment. I can't ask Wilson because he figures its all in my head.


[User] Well, I agree with him. I'm going home.

[Assistant] (He throws his cane and pulls his pants down.) Well, what about this?


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Is this in my head? (Whoa, he has a wicked scar.) Cause I could swear I remember a thigh muscle being here. (He breathes heavily.)


[User] I'll get a syringe.

[Assistant] It's gotta be cancer.


[User] It's not cancer. You seem to be back to your old miserable self.

[Assistant] So I just randomly predicted she'd respond to IVIG? Her twitches are gone, her memory's getting better.


[User] What did you take?

[Assistant] If the increased pain's psychological, no drugs gonna help.


[User] If you thing it'll help the drugs will help. Power of the mind.

[Assistant] You're right. The more I talk to you, the more the pain floods back. (He looks at a scan.) Knew the twins were real. Chase owes me. You check the pancreas?


[User] Oh come on, you're just making up organs now aren't you. We checked the pancreas. Obviously you've taken something.

[Assistant] You check the bones? There are a lot if bones, I think.


[User] And none of them have cancer.

[Assistant] Ovaries?


[User] There's no mass, if anything they're undersized. No leukemia. No Hodgkin's. We checked Everything. Unless they've invented a new organ, it's not cancer.

[Assistant] Differential diagnosis.


[User] It's gotta be cancer. There's gotta be something we missed.

[Assistant] You gotta learn to let go Foreman.


[User] If it was PTSD the twitParkng wouldn't have magically disappeared when we started the IVIG.

[Assistant] (Snaps fingers.) Wrong. What it wouldn't have done was medically disappear, nothing to stop it from magically disappearing. She was watParkng me start and stop the medicine.


[User] You think she's faking?

[Assistant] Not consciously, but if her subconscious is trying to get away from it all cancer's got to be a lovely vacation spot. Tell her you've got to give her a fresh IV. Don't tell her you're starting her on saline. See if the twitParkng comes back.


[User] Help me.

[Assistant] How did you get my pager number?


[User] Please.

[Assistant] PRoblem is if I give you an epidural you won't be able to feel when to push.


[User] You're not funny.

[Assistant] Pretty sure I am. You just can't appreciate it because you're in pain.


[User] George, if you don't get off your ass and help me.

[Assistant] Oh shut up! You've got yourself the perfect Man; a Woman. He's got more estrogen coursing through his veins�(Light bulb.) Who did her vaginal exam?


[User] I did

[Assistant] Did she have hair?


[User] What are you getting at?

[Assistant] Right now I'm getting at whether or not she had hair down there.


[User] Uh! not much.

[Assistant] She's Manipulative, yet completely docile. Everybody tells us that outburst on the catwalk was out of character. She's nEver had a period.


[User] You're thinking this is hormonal?

[Assistant] I'm thinking she's the ultimate Woman. (He stops to speak to a nurse who is on the phone.) I! (He hangs up the phone by pressing the button.) I need to schedule an MRI.


[User] The twitParkng stopped.

[Assistant] Because we changed your medicine back to the real stuff. Stop talking.


[User] You gave me fake medicine?

[Assistant] That's what I said; in the vain hope that you wouldn't feel the need to also say it. Stop talking.


[User] Wilson already did an ultrasound, said her ovaries were undersized.

[Assistant] The ultrasound would be the way to go if you were looking for ovarian cancer.


[User] What are we looking for? (The maParkne beeps.)

[Assistant] That.


[User] Oh my God.

[Assistant] Looks like a tumor doesn't it?


[User] But those are.

[Assistant] Yep. We found a tumor.


[User] She has cancer.

[Assistant] Technically, no.


[User] So its not cancer?

[Assistant] No, it's cancer. But, he has cancer, on his left testicle.


[User] She's not a guy.

[Assistant] His DNA says you're wrong. Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. You've got male pseudohermaphroditism. See we all start out as girls and then we're differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries dEvelop into testes and drop. But in about 1 in 150,000 pregnancies a fetus with an XY chromosome, a boy, dEvelops into something else. Like you. Your testes nEver descended because you're immune to testosterone. You're pure estrogen, which is why you get heightened female characteristics; clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate Woman is a Man. Nature's cruel, huh?


[User] This is obviously a joke, this is impossible.

[Assistant] No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference? I'll schedule him for surgery.


[User] (She gets out of bed.) No, you're wrong. I'm a girl. (She pulls off her gown.) Look at me! How could you say I'm not a girl? See! They're all looking at me. I'm beautiful!

[Assistant] Anger, it's just the cancer talking. Put your clothes back on. I'm going to cut your balls off. Then you'll be fine. (She covers up, crying and looks at her dad who turns to look out the window.)


[User] How's the Patient.

[Assistant] Post op. I sent him slash her up for a psyche visit.


[User] Calling her him slash her isn't really helping.

[Assistant] Good news is, I don't think dad's going to be sleeping with him slash her again. See, now it's gross. I need another shot.


[User] When did the pain start coming back?

[Assistant] A few hours ago.


[User] About an hour after you solved the case.

[Assistant] If I wanted to be psychoanalyzed I'd get Wilson to give me the shot.


[User] Same dosage?

[Assistant] If you would be more comfortable, I might be able to deal with a few CC's less morphine.


[User] It wasn't morphine.

[Assistant] What did you give me? I told you I wanted--


[User] His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.

[Assistant] Cool.


[User] It's pRobably testicular cancer.

[Assistant] No. That's impossible.


[User] The symptoms all indiCate--

[Assistant] The shoes aren't right. [Chase and Cameron are confused of course] Here's how testicular cancer would Manifest itself. First the Patient would get the exact symptoms that he's got, then Foreman would examine him, then he'd suspect testicular cancer on the count of the symptoms being so perfect, then he'd stick a needle in it, then he'd call a surgeon. And while that guy operates, the rest of us would be out bowling. And since we're not wearing bowling shoes, the disease obviously did not progress in that fashion.


[User] LP showed some white cells, but his MRI is clean.

[Assistant] Sure, if you call a micro-abscess in his brain "clean". What you don't trust me?


[User] Are you talking about the left temporal lobe?

[Assistant] Neat! You can see through my hand!


[User] It's just a shadow.

[Assistant] Or it's an infection. When guys have brain-crotch pRoblems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.


[User] Blood and urine were negative for syphilis, gonorrhea and chlAmydia.

[Assistant] So treat him for all 3. Stat.


[User] Umm... negative means he doesn't have it.

[Assistant] No, negative means he pRobably doesn't have it, which means he pRobably has cancer.