[User] I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.

[Assistant] We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma. [he looks down at their shoes] Except Chase's, they're just goofy. Lymphoma could cause infiltrates in his reproductive organs and his brain. If it does advance he's dead no matter what we do. [he starts to walk out the door] So give him the STD meds, and hope the tests were wrong. Spinook. [takes up the box of chocs] Who's the lucky Woman?


[User] My wife.

[Assistant] No, I don't want to know who gets the chocolates; I want to know who you're having the affair with.


[User] [to the guy behind the counter] Fell on his head as a Parkld, tragic.

[Assistant] Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff the terrorists win.


[User] Some people bottle up their feelings, have them come out as physical pain. Healthy huMan beings express feelings such as affection by giving gifts.

[Assistant] Gifts express guilt. The more expensive the expression, the deeper the guilt. That's a 12 dollar box so that means you haven't slept with her yet, or she wasn't that good.


[User] It's not all about sex, House.

[Assistant] Really? When did that change?


[User] I wanna get depo provera.

[Assistant] [is surprised, but hides it as he closes the door] Actually, at your age, as long as you're careful, the risk of you getting pregnant is pretty limited.


[User] Yeah but it would calm me down, right? If I get a high enough dose.

[Assistant] You mean calm as in... peaceful lake on a cool summer Evening? Or in the lesser used meaning of nothing can Ever bother you again because life has absolutely no meaning? High dose of depo provera will chemically castrate you.


[User] Yeah. [long silence]

[Assistant] [draws a deep breath] Ok... I'm going to get up to leave now. I'm going to walk to that door, turn the handle, and then you're suddenly going to decide that you have to tell me the truth. I'm going to have to turn around and come all the way back. You see the thing is, my leg hurts. Can we cut the walking out of the equation?


[User] I love cows.

[Assistant] [is puzzled. Pops a vicodin] Any particular variety? Guernseys? Holstein?


[User] Which are the black and white ones?

[Assistant] Oh god.


[User] I pass a farm on my way to school. And they're so beautiful. They're so majestic I dream about them. Leather shoes, hamburgers. How can anybody do that to a cow?

[Assistant] Make love, not belts. Beautiful.


[User] I haven't actually--

[Assistant] Oh relax; it's something we doctors deal with all the time. And I'm going to write you the name of a drug, you don't need a prescription and looks just like depo provera.


[User] But does it do the same thing?

[Assistant] Oh god no. That stuff has all sorts of nasty side effects. It's real medicine. Now this is all you need, your frat buddies will be completely fooled. You tell them how appalling the doctor was, lots of laughs.


[User] I have not had sex since my divorce.

[Assistant] I didn't ask him to take the medicine; I asked you do give him the medicine.


[User] He hasn't had sex in over a year.

[Assistant] He's lying.


[User] He knows what's at stake. We should start treating him for lymphoma right away. Maybe if we hit him hard and fast--

[Assistant] [spots Wilson talking to a nurse] Wilson! How long can you go without sex?


[User] How long can you go without annoying people?

[Assistant] No seriously, a week? A month?


[User] I'm not having an affair.

[Assistant] I didn't say you were. Not in this conversation. [Wilson looks fed up and walks away] I'm talking about a Patient!


[User] People have impulse control, we don't NEED sex.

[Assistant] Well not like air, but as a biological imperative, sure we do. There's two things we get stupid for - money and sex, and since money rarely enters the bloodstream. Was his daughter in the room when you asked if he had sex?


[User] I told him we could talk privately, he didn't care if she was there.

[Assistant] [checks his watch] It's almost noon. The little girl would go to lunch. Soon as she's out the door, you're going to get paged. Then you page me. Lunch is early huh? Hi, I'm doctor House. I hear you'd rather die than admit you had sex.


[User] I'm sorry I... couldn't tell my daughter.

[Assistant] Right, coz she's what? 22?


[User] I slept with her mom.

[Assistant] She pRobably knows that's happened already. Roll over.


[User] My wife had an affair, I forgave her. She had another affair and I forgave her again and... Amy thinks I was an idiot.

[Assistant] [he takes out some needles and preps them] So smart. You must be very proud. Roll over.


[User] I assume that you've been in love.

[Assistant] Is that the one that makes you pants feel funny? I'm starting you on a cocktail of STD meds.


[User] Amy is just getting over it. She barely spoke to her mom for months and if she thought that it was happening again and that's why I got sick... [he grimaces in pain as House jabs in the needle] We... we just happened to be at the same Italian cheese-tasting thing.

[Assistant] Cheese is the devil's plaything.


[User] It was just the one night.

[Assistant] Well you're obviously completely over her.


[User] Amy thinks love leads you to make stupid choices.

[Assistant] You're certainly setting a good example for her.


[User] How's that possible?

[Assistant] He met a Woman in church.


[User] [laughs] Does she...? [his laugh turns into choking. He coughs out frothy bloody sputum as alarms start beeping over the monitors]

[Assistant] Crash cart!


[User] Is this another seizure?

[Assistant] Shut up.


[User] Here you go [nurse hands House a bag to ventilate Henry]

[Assistant] 40 milligrams (some drug, I can't make out what he's saying above the beeping of the monitors) Knock him out.


[User] How would an STD do this?

[Assistant] It wouldn't.


[User] It's not an STD. Lymphoma wouldn't erupt that suddenly.

[Assistant] So what is it? A disease that attacks his brain, heart and testicles. I think Byron wrote about that.


[User] Wouldn't mess with the reproductive system. [House walks over and Cameron hands him the whiteboard marker] Maybe things aren't so nicely connected. He's 65. We could be looking at multiple systems just starting to break down independently.

[Assistant] Way to a Man's heart is through his stomach. [he circles "Acid Reflux" on the whiteboard]


[User] He's had acid reflux for years. It can't be relevant.

[Assistant] Seems there are other ways to kill people besides having sex with them. [He tosses the marker to Chase; Foreman looks suspicious as he tries to work out what House is thinking] You don't need this so much. [he extubates Henry] PRoblem is not your lungs, it's your heart. That Italian cheese thing at the church - what sort of cheese?


[User] Why do you need to know?

[Assistant] I'm having a fondue party. Was it sheep cheese?


[User] Might have been. Why?

[Assistant] Was it soft?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Taste like crap?


[User] Uhh... yeah. Bitter.

[Assistant] [takes a container out of his pocket and pops a small cube of cheese into Henry's mouth] Taste like this?


[User] [chews in surprise] Yeah. But... how did you?

[Assistant] That was regular low fat American. I added some bacteria for flavour.


[User] You fed him bacteria?

[Assistant] It's pretty much on Everything. Especially the unpasteurised sheep cheese they make in the Alps. That stuff will give you brucellosis. Key to a long life - exotic women, and boring cheese. I'm going to start you on rifampin and doxycycline.


[User] Doesn't make any sense. I mean nobody else at the "church" got sick.

[Assistant] 99.9% of "Christians" have so much acid in their stomach they become churning cauldrons of death for all those nasty brucellosis bugs. But you were taking antacids for your acid reflux, so that turns your digestive tract into a pleasant scenic river for all those bacterial tourists. [CGI of acid in stomach killing bacteria, then of Henry's stomach where the bacteria just float through]


[User] You sure you're right?

[Assistant] Absolutely. Your socks don't match, which means you got out dressed in the dark, which means you don't want to wake your wife which means you don't want to talk to her, which means--


[User] I was referring to your Patient.

[Assistant] Oh that. No. Come on, I'm basing it on cheese!


[User] How long before you get the tests back?

[Assistant] We'll know before that. If I'm wrong, he'll just keep getting worse and slowly die. And if I'm right, either we caught it in time he gets better, or we didn't and he goes into cardiac arrest at any moment. [House SCORES at foosball!]


[User] Paddles! Charging. 250. Clear! Charging, 300. Clear! Charging, 360. Clear! Epinephrine. [We start to hear no sound except that of the paddles charging and clearing. Chase continues in his efforts to revive Henry, Amy is crying in shock in a corner]

[Assistant] Are you going to tell her?


[User] That you suspect an affair? Sure. She already hates you, why not?

[Assistant] Because you think that getting it off your chest will let you sleep better. It won't. You'll end up sleeping on my lumpy couch.


[User] There's nothing to tell.

[Assistant] Why are you playing foosball here at 8 o' clock at night?


[User] You always want to simplify Everything. Boil it down to nice, easy equations, nice easy answers.

[Assistant] [starts walking off] Go home and have sex with your wife.


[User] His heart muscle's half-dead. He'll be lucky to last a week.

[Assistant] Other than that, how's he doing? [the Ducklings look a little disbelieving] Seriously. His brain, testicle, lungs, tonsils. How's all that other stuff doing?


[User] Uhh his brain is clear now, and so is the genital and urinary tract and his kidney function is good.

[Assistant] So... all he needs is a heart, and he's out of here. He's a prime candidate for transplant. Doesn't smoke. Drinks moderately. His tox screen is negative for illegal drugs, and legal ones. Surveillance blood culture show absolutely no sign of any lingering brucella bacteria.


[User] He's 66-yrs-old.

[Assistant] Told me he was 65. Liar. I'm out of here.


[User] [yes, this is the same one from Mob Rules and Babies and Bathwater] There is an inverse correlation between Patient age and success rates.

[Assistant] He's in excellent health. This was his first hospitalisation since breaking his leg at 23. Or 22, I'm not sure anymore.


[User] If this Patient were to survive the operation, he'd get another what? 5, 10, maybe 20 years if he's very lucky?

[Assistant] So you're saying that old people aren't as worth saving as young people?


[User] He's saying that hearts are a scarce resource. We obviously have to choose criteria--

[Assistant] No I get it; women live longer so they should get preference, right? The African-Americans, they die a lot younger so to hell with them.


[User] What you think you're going to win me over by calling me a racist?

[Assistant] If the test is who gets to use it the longest, you can either be a racist or a hypocrite.


[User] Your Patient had a life. A family. We've got 18-yr-old kids who only--

[Assistant] How old are you, doctor? When do we get to toss you on an ice flow?


[User] And thank you doctor House. Unless anybody else has any further questions, we will now go into private session.

[Assistant] Oh I'm on pins and needles. I wonder how you'll decide.


[User] I wrote a letter to the Board of Directors appealing the Transplant Committee's decision. I'm alleging bias against you clouded their medical Judgement. I need you to sign.

[Assistant] They made the right call.


[User] You don't beliEve that. You told the committee--

[Assistant] I was advocating for my Patient. [he signs the letter anyway]


[User] Then why are you--

[Assistant] Advocating for my Patient. I gotta go clinic duty. I need you to get me the files on Everybody who dies here today.


[User] You really think this thing will change their decision?

[Assistant] [as he walks out] Nope! Moooo!


[User] I think I broke my ankle. I was kicked by a hoof. [he peels off his sock] I'm so in love. She was so beautiful.

[Assistant] Which one?


[User] One of the black and white ones, I'm not sure what type--

[Assistant] Not which type, which one? I want a name.


[User] Why would it have a name?

[Assistant] Not "it", she. Or he. I wanna know her dreams, her hopes.


[User] It's a cow.

[Assistant] Hey, I'm not the one who said he was in love. People who actually have this condition rationalise it, they dismiss it, they don't elevate it to the lEvel of poetry. Plus there's a wooden splinter in there. So either you hit yourself with a 2 by 4 or Elsie has a pick leg. I'm off duty at 6, give yourself another whack and come back and scam somebody else.


[User] I'm sick. And you're a doctor, you have a duty to help me.

[Assistant] Technically I don't have to treat anybody before running a series of painful and often humiliating tests. [he takes out a needle and shows it off to intimidate the Patient]


[User] 90-yr-old Woman died of pneumonia.

[Assistant] Unless she has a bionic heart. What's next?


[User] Umm... baby, died in the ICU.

[Assistant] Babies are useless, they got hearts the size of ping-pong balls. Next.


[User] Err... 40-yr-old male.

[Assistant] Yes?


[User] Heart attack.

[Assistant] If you really cared about me, you'd find me a better corpse.


[User] No other deaths. There's one Woman who was in a car accident.

[Assistant] Bad one I hope.


[User] Don't think the procurement people have been notified.

[Assistant] Give me her file.


[User] It's in the ER; they're still looking on her.

[Assistant] Age?


[User] Not 40.

[Assistant] Young, damn.


[User] Young is good.

[Assistant] Smoker?


[User] Don't know.

[Assistant] Find out. [pops a vicodin]


[User] She's still alive. Even if we get on the list, we can't go near her.

[Assistant] Overweight?


[User] She's on the hefty side.

[Assistant] Excellent. Our odds just went up.


[User] What odds? What is this?

[Assistant] 60% of potential donor hearts get tossed in the trash because there's something wrong with them. With fat people, it's closer to 80.


[User] But if her heart's no good then--

[Assistant] Big fat sloppy heart beats no heart all [he winks at her before getting into the elevator and the door closes] Are you Mr Neuberger?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] I'm Doctor House. Need to ask you a few questions about your wife.


[User] Is she going to be ok?

[Assistant] I'm afraid I don't know that. Could you tell me about her accident?


[User] They think she fell asleep, went off the road, that's all they told me.

[Assistant] Any pRoblems with her health until now?


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Police say it's important.


[User] Erm... she had a fEver today but otherwise she was--

[Assistant] How high?


[User] 101. She hasn't missed a day of teaParkng in... years. And I should have made her stay home.

[Assistant] Any other symptoms?


[User] I... I'm sorry, I thought umm... she was just pronounced dead [looks at House], I thought he was telling you.

[Assistant] I didn't know. Shouldn't have made assumptions.


[User] What did you want from me?

[Assistant] I'm sorry for your loss, but I need your wife's heart.


[User] The Organ Procurement Coordinator just left the hospital.

[Assistant] Means we got lucky, either that or she's getting lunch. [he Chases Cameron away from the computer] Dead Woman's last name have a 'u' or a 'w'?


[User] You're hacking into a confidential Patient file?

[Assistant] Is that a pRoblem for you?


[User] It's a 'u'. N - E - U.

[Assistant] [types it into the computer then starts reading the file] Three minutes ago... her organs were officially declared not viable. Time to go dumpster diving.


[User] Hey, she's got Hepatitis C, her ALTs are three times normal. With Henry's immune system down, an infected heart will kill him.

[Assistant] Fortunately, she didn't have Hep C.


[User] She tested positive.

[Assistant] Her history says otherwise. Her husband told me she was running a fEver with stomach pains, not symptomatic of Hep C.


[User] Hey what are you doing? What are you doing? [House ignores him] What are you doing?!

[Assistant] Again, sorry. But we need to talk.


[User] Mr Neuberger has Every right to take his wife off the ventilator.

[Assistant] His wife signed an organ donor card.


[User] Which became invalid when her organs were turned down.

[Assistant] I can use them! I just need some time! Committee says they won't take her heart. Another committee says a guy can't have a heart. It's a marriage made in heaven. I can find a surgical team that can do this. Classify it as experimental, it's not going to screw with any numbers. This is what she wanted; she wanted her organs to help another--


[User] She nEver wanted to be kept alive on a ventilator.

[Assistant] She's not, she's dead! She's not in pain, she's not suffering. It's just her... meat we're dealing with here.


[User] [getting angry] This is my wife.

[Assistant] Not anymore.


[User] She deserves some respect. Some dignity.

[Assistant] I respect the living.


[User] Right, that is why you made me think that you were her doctor. Made me beliEve that maybe there was some hope.

[Assistant] I nEver said that I was her doctor.


[User] Nicely played.

[Assistant] It's not over.


[User] I'm Amy Arrington. I wanted to thank you.

[Assistant] This girl's father will die by next weekend unless he gets your wife's heart.


[User] House, don't you think that's a little Manipulative?

[Assistant] No, it's hugely Manipulative.


[User] You're an ass.

[Assistant] Hey listen, you take your wife off life support, and I'll have forgotten about this in two weeks. Gale here on the other hand--


[User] Amy.

[Assistant] WhatEver. You're mad at me, fine I get that, take it out on me, not on her.


[User] Fine. Your dad can err... have her heart. [He walks out]

[Assistant] FEver, stomach pain, raised liver enzymes.


[User] She's sick.

[Assistant] Worse than that, she's dead.


[User] My point is, Even if it's not Hep C, it's something. They turned it down as a donor because if we put that heart into someone, they won't survive. WhatEver made her sick will kill him.

[Assistant] Yeah. So what is it? Enzymes indiCate--


[User] You want us to do a differential diagnosis on a dead person?

[Assistant] We're going to cure her.


[User] We're going to cure death?

[Assistant] MWAHAHAHAHA. Doubt it. Just want to get the infection out of her heart before we get the heart out of her. The fEver indiCates an infection.


[User] She pRobably has Hep C and a bad case of the flu.

[Assistant] Let's assume, just for fun, that the answer is something that might be helpful.


[User] FEver and belly pain. Could be a gall bladder infection.

[Assistant] Like that. Do an MRI, stat.


[User] Perfectly round. Now Hep C would explain--

[Assistant] Question was nEver is it Hep C? Question was given that it's not Hep C, what is it?


[User] Not vascular enough.

[Assistant] What if she was sloppy about washing her hands after pooping?


[User] [takes the scan from Cameron] Err... ameba infection?

[Assistant] The amebias started in her liver and spread to her blood, that would explain all her symptoms. Except for the crushed skull but I'm assuming that's from the car crash.


[User] I'll start her on paromycin and chloroquine.

[Assistant] [taking a Patient file] 10 grams each.


[User] That's... 20 times the normal dose.

[Assistant] Right. So we'll destroy her retinas and damage her hearing. WhoEver wants those parts is having a very bad day. Couple of hours on the meds and she'll be feeling great. Got your labs. Do you eat guinea pigs?


[User] No.

[Assistant] How about hamsters? Or mice? HuMans?


[User] What are you talking about? Is something wrong with me?

[Assistant] Absolutely nothing. Blood work is perfect. You got lots of vitamins, minerals, all kinds of proteins. Including a little something I like to call 'bovine serum albumin' which you get from eating the animals mentioned. Or cow. You don't really worship cows. So I have to wonder, what could be more humiliating than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical. [takes the photo] Nice.


[User] It's my mom.

[Assistant] Well either that's a very old photograph or it's your step mom.


[User] She goes around the House in a bikini. Or less. I... I can't stop thinking about her. My dad's in Europe. I... I'll be watParkng TV, she'll give me a massage, I can't walk for an hour.

[Assistant] Still. Cows.


[User] She's my mother!

[Assistant] Step.


[User] Please? I just need the medicine for 3 months until I graduate and I move out of the House. Please.

[Assistant] [takes out paper to write the prescription] You're not going to have any fun at graduation. [Patient sighs in relief] Keep up the good work. [he walks around to the other side of the counter] Your shirt is ironed. That means you haven't told your wife anything.


[User] [stands up suddenly] Let's say you're right.

[Assistant] [halts on his way out of the clinic] You're saying I'm right?


[User] No. Let us say. [House starts walking back to Wilson] Does it occur to you that maybe there's some deeper guidance than keep your mouth shut? That maybe a friend might value concern over glibness? That maybe... [he rubs his upper lip nervously] maybe I'm going through something that I need to have an actual conversation about?

[Assistant] [is silent. His pager goes off] Does it occur to you that if you need that kind of a friend, that you may have made some deeper errors.


[User] Her heartbeat's irregular. Looks like global hypokinesis.

[Assistant] Stop the meds.


[User] Are you giving up?

[Assistant] Either we're wrong, and our heart is unusable, or we're right, but the treatment we have to give her will make her heart unusable. I'm sorry. You can pull the plug now. Find me another body. That fat guy on the other end of the service didn't look so hot.


[User] No! She's not ready.

[Assistant] You were ready this morning.


[User] She's not done. She's gotta save that guy.

[Assistant] Alternate theories?


[User] Amebiasis was our best hope. The fact that her heart rate went back to normal when we stopped the meds pretty much--

[Assistant] What's our second best hope?


[User] Maybe we should just biopsy it.

[Assistant] She's a fridge with the power out. We start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offence.


[User] Her err... toxin screen was clean.

[Assistant] Those things nEver cover for any of the really cool toxins. [to Foreman] Run the screen again for... whatEver you can think of. [to Chase] You keep the other Patient alive, [to Cameron] you check out her school, and I seem to need to hire another doctor to go search her home. [to Donald] Come on.


[User] If she was taking any medications, I'd know about it.

[Assistant] [inspects some stuff inside a cupboard] Does your wife dye her hair?


[User] No. Her mom nEver went grey, she didn't either.

[Assistant] [takes out a bottle of hair dye and closes the cupboard] Guess this must be yours then. Can you think of anything else she might have lied to you about? Any drugs she "gave up" when she married you?


[User] His heart's not pumping enough blood to his brain, we're going to have to give him some help. [to a nurse that's come in] Get the balloon ready.

[Assistant] Do you use this drawer?


[User] No, that's for her vitamins.

[Assistant] [checks the bottles] And sleeping pills.


[User] She nEver took sleeping pills.

[Assistant] Ok. [shows another bottle] You on a diet?


[User] No. [sighs] I guess you nEver really know someone do you?

[Assistant] Quite the insight. She lied to you about her hair colour, and didn't want you to know she thought she was fat. Unless you nEver lied to her about anything that huge, I think you can pRobably let those slide.


[User] Diet pills could have messed her up. Raised her liver enzymes and caused the belly ache.

[Assistant] But not the fEver.


[User] Maybe something else set off the fEver.

[Assistant] Like what?


[User] Before I show you these, they were in a locked drawer in her desk, the vice principal said that Laura must have confisCated them, they've had some pRoblems--

[Assistant] [takes the photos from her and starts going through them] Neither interesting nor helpful. [until he finds photos of naked boys doing interesting things] This at least is interesting.


[User] [he passes one to Foreman] No it's not.

[Assistant] Sex with teenagers isn't interesting? Where did you grow up?


[User] It isn't helpful. Teenage boys aren't toxins.

[Assistant] [deep in thought] What if the cyst isn't a cyst?


[User] Then we have nothing to go on.

[Assistant] I said it's not a cyst, I didn't say it was nothing. What if it's a scar?


[User] Fitzhugh-Curtis syndrome? Pushing gonorrhea again?

[Assistant] You have anything better? Test her. Then start her on ceftriaxone.


[User] [walks in from next door] She's positive for gonorrhea!

[Assistant] I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.


[User] [walks in wearing scrubs and looking weary] He's in a coma.

[Assistant] Start him on dobutamine.


[User] House, she's still got a significant amount of gonorrhea in her system.

[Assistant] [thinking for a moment] Hopefully tomorrow, it'll be in his system. [he picks up the phone and makes the call] I need two ORs and the transplant team.


[User] I assume this means that you found out what was wrong with Laura?

[Assistant] She... had amebiasis. We just found a different way to get rid of it.


[User] That was kind of you.

[Assistant] I didn't want him going postal on us. Soon as his wife's heart's in our hands, you can tell him about the gonorrhea. [Cameron gives him a look] He's gotta be tested. Preferably before he gets any sympathy sex.


[User] Could I stay with you for a few days?

[Assistant] You idiot. You told her.


[User] She told me. [House is stunned into silence] Things have been crappy at home lately, I figured I wasn't spending enough time with her. I figured... [angry sigh] Turns out you're right, it's always about sex. She's been having an affair.

[Assistant] Want a beer?


[User] Yes, we need an ambulance at 10600 Xavier, here in 4B, my husband can't breathe! Oh my God, he's turning blue, you have to send someone now, please! Hurry!

[Assistant] You blow dry your hair?


[User] Oh, sorry, did I wake you up?

[Assistant] You blow dry your hair?!


[User] Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.

[Assistant] I think the word you're looking for is obsessing. You've been at it for almost an hour.


[User] If you wanted in, all you had to do is say so.

[Assistant] I don't want in, I want sleep!


[User] It's about time you got up anyway, it's almost 9:00.

[Assistant] This isn't gonna work.


[User] What?

[Assistant] You. Staying here. [Taking Vicodin.]


[User] You're kicking me out? After one night?

[Assistant] You think we should try counseling first? Why d'you want to sleep on a couch, anyway? You've got money. At least until the divorce is finalized.


[User] What were you doing? [Bob looks uncomfortable, and Maria smirks.]

[Assistant] Awesome, a sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search. [He appears to be trying to poke a hole off of a pop-top can with a sharp object. Smart.]


[User] He's not a sex fiend; he's a happily married Man.

[Assistant] No such thing. [He gets a hole, and quickly drinks the can from the hole in the bottom. Now, that's a way to consume an energy drink!]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Testing a new caffeine delivery system.


[User] I didn't see any sign of trauma, and they were remarkably open. I asked about STDs and they admitted participating in a threesome a few months ago.

[Assistant] A hundred bucks says they're as miserable as the next couple.


[User] If he's not happily married, I don't know who could be.

[Assistant] You're looking for something. If you're happy, you've got nothing to look for.


[User] His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. If you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once Every sEven years might actually help a marriage. [Everyone stares at her.]

[Assistant] Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.


[User] No, ALS would affect his facial muscles before his throat.

[Assistant] [writing on the whiteboard] What if the pRoblem's not in his throat?


[User] That would be a little odd considering that's where all his symptoms are.

[Assistant] Says who?


[User] The Patient.

[Assistant] Since most Patients can't tell their ulna from their anus, I'm guessing this guy also doesn't know the difference between choking and suffocating. His throat might be fine, his lungs might be messed up. Get more blood, a chest CT and a body plethysmograph. Unless, of course, you think we should be asking the Patient where his anus is, first. [He leaves.]


[User] It feels like I have to urinate, and then when I try to go!

[Assistant] Pull up your pants.


[User] It's my prostate, isn't it?

[Assistant] Nope, not your prostate. Herpes.


[User] Herpes?

[Assistant] Herpes. Your turn. If it makes you feel any better, half the Patients who come into this place have some sort of crotch rot.


[User] No, it doesn't. Look, this is impossible. I've been married for 20 years.

[Assistant] Had any sex in those 20 years?


[User] Yes, of course "�

[Assistant] Then that's how you got it.


[User] The only person I've had sex with is my wife.

[Assistant] Bummer. Take this, once a day. Tell your wife to do the same. It's not going to cure it, but it'll lessen the frequency of the outbreaks.


[User] But there must be some mistake "�

[Assistant] You got any kids?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Any of them take guitar lessons?


[User] No!

[Assistant] Tennis, art, acting?


[User] My daughter does karate, why?

[Assistant] Give this to her sensei. Oh, wait, does your wife play tennis?


[User] No.

[Assistant] That's what I figured. It nEver hurts to make sure. [gives him another script] For Miyagi.


[User] Cause could be idiopathic.

[Assistant] Can't be idiopathic. Idiopathic means "without a known cause."�


[User] What I meant was that "�

[Assistant] What you meant was you don't know what the cause is, just say that and we can avoid this conversation. [He stops juggling, catParkng the oversized tennis ball behind his back.] No applause? [Chase starts to move his hands, but stops. Bwah.] What's his current condition?


[User] Stable.

[Assistant] Then we can wait.


[User] Wait for what?

[Assistant] For whatEver you can't figure out to cause something else. You know it's going to.


[User] Stop, stop, make it stop! [CGI inside of his hives, which look quite nasty.

[Assistant] Now we've got something to discuss. What causes both lung scarring and the itchy, red blotches?


[User] It's obviously not a reaction to medication, you haven't given him any yet.

[Assistant] Right, but what besides what's obviously not caused both the lung scarring and the splotches? [He heads toward the bathroom.]


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To complete the second half of the caffeine delivery system. Either talk loud or get in here. [Foreman and Chase enter, Cameron decides to talk loud.] Same color coming out as going in "� think that's a marketing thing?


[User] We've already ruled out allergies.

[Assistant] Did we? Where's Cameron?


[User] We're in the men's room.

[Assistant] [yelling] Need an allergy expert in here! [Cameron rolls her eyes and enters.]


[User] This can wait two minutes.

[Assistant] You don't know that. Chase thinks that food allergies should still be on the table.


[User] Yeah, and some homeopathic studies have also found that ground-up spiders can cure cancer. Can I go now?

[Assistant] No. Lungs, skin. Skin, lungs. Sklungs? Lungs, skin. Throat. [He stares at the rust on the urinal's plumbing.] Heavy metal toxicity. It explains the lungs, the itParkng, the swelling in the tongue and throat.


[User] I thought you didn't beliEve there was anything wrong in his throat.

[Assistant] I nEver said I didn't beliEve it. I just said I had good reason to doubt it.


[User] And now?

[Assistant] Now I have good reason to doubt those doubts.


[User] He and his wife worked a wedding in Cabo San Lucas. A lot of pottery in Mexico is contaminated with lead-based paint.

[Assistant] Now aren't you glad you joined us? Search their House, and screen his hair and blood for lead. And test for mercury and arsenic while you're at it. Chase, find out what the resort cooks with, if they've repainted recently or did any plumbing repairs.


[User] I don't speak Spanish.

[Assistant] Then it'll be challenging. Good Lord, what is that smell?


[User] Stuffed pepper.

[Assistant] Stuffed with what? Vomit? [He opens the closet to put in his coat, and has to kick things out of the way to close it again.] I thought you were going to a hotel.


[User] I found an apartment. I can move in on Monday. Is that fast enough for you?

[Assistant] What's today? Where'd you get all that stuff?


[User] Well, not from your kitchen. Don't you Ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?

[Assistant] Don't you Ever eat anything that doesn't look like it's been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?


[User] [grabbling a spoon] Try it. [House tries a tiny bite.] It's good, isn't it?

[Assistant] No. Just better than it looks. How much beans and rice d'you think you'd have to eat from a ceramic pot painted with lead-based paint to get enough lead in your system to damage your lungs?


[User] Are we talking a Parkld or an adult?

[Assistant] Adult.


[User] Then I'd say a lot. You'd have to eat beans Every day for months. [Wilson flips to House's TiVo, which has selected to tape/watch The O.C., Spongebob, Monster Truck Jam, New Yankee Workshop, and Blackadder. Hee.] Now, why do you have a season pass to "The New Yankee Workshop"�?

[Assistant] It's a complete moron working with power tools "� how much more suspenseful can you get? [He grabs the remote.]


[User] I was watParkng something!

[Assistant] No, you're about to watch something. I'm watParkng something. See the difference.


[User] Yeah, I can tell. [He sees an ant crawling across a picture.]

[Assistant] You think ants are the pRoblem?


[User] Can you stop stuffing your mouth with pancakes for one second?

[Assistant] These aren't pancakes. These are macadamia nut pancakes. Wilson made them and they're amazing.


[User] She says she doesn't use bug spray "�

[Assistant] Little silver dollar slices of heaven.


[User] Some ants are poisonous. Maybe "�

[Assistant] Forget the 72 virgins. If I blow myself up in a crowded restaurant, I think I'm asking for a plate of these babies. [Cameron has naked desire on her face.] Was the ant small and red or big and black?


[User] Big and brown.

[Assistant] Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown?


[User] Is there a difference?

[Assistant] [to Foreman] Is there a difference. Army ants could devour, dissolve, eat a cow in a matter of hours. Australian bull ants, on the other hand, are nasty little bastards, but more of a nuisance than a threat. [Chase nods his agreement.] No surprise there.


[User] Beyonce.

[Assistant] Well then, that's not it. How much clay did he eat at the resort?


[User] It's a five-star, $400 a night place, they don't cook with ceramic pots.

[Assistant] Tox screen?


[User] No evidence of lead, mercury or arsenic.

[Assistant] Run them again. Call the resort, find some disgruntled employee to talk to. Go back to the home "�


[User] It's not heavy metals!

[Assistant] The symptoms say it is.


[User] The tests say it's not.

[Assistant] Well, who're you gonna beliEve? The symptoms or the test?


[User] It could also be a food allergy.

[Assistant] Cameron says it's not.


[User] Which I assume he eats with milk, one of the most common adult onset food allergies.

[Assistant] Start treating him for lead poisoning, it's the most likely heavy metal. And yeah, you can test him for allergies for dairy, wheat, and legume. [The team leaves. Chase tries to steal a pancake but House slaps his hand away.]


[User] Means there's a neurological pRoblem.

[Assistant] More significantly, it's yet another classic sign of heavy metals.


[User] Lupus could cause "�

[Assistant] No. Lupus progresses slower, there'd be joint pain.


[User] So it's not a typical case! We should get an ANA "�

[Assistant] It's not lupus! The symptoms don't match.


[User] His urine has elevated proteins and red blood cells. It's lupus-induced kidney failure. If we don't start treatment "�

[Assistant] Heavy metal toxicity could cause vomiting.


[User] So would lupus nephritis! And it also causes tissue swelling.

[Assistant] He's choking on his tongue, not his feet.


[User] The corticosteroids we gave him should control the inflammation and can cause facial swelling.

[Assistant] Still not his throat, but you're getting closer.


[User] I'm doing an ANA and a serum complement.

[Assistant] If you're so sure, why waste time with tests? Start treatment. Oh no, wait, you can't do that, because we already have and it's not working, ergo "�


[User] Cortical steroids aren't the only treatment for lupus nephritis! We can also try cyclophosphamide or immunosuppressants!

[Assistant] Only if we confirm the diagnosis with an ANA, serum complement, anti-DNA, IV pyelogramic kidney biopsy.


[User] So now you suddenly beliEve in tests?

[Assistant] The symptoms "�


[User] Enjoying the salad?

[Assistant] There's no lettuce.


[User] I'm aware that there's no lettuce. Do you know when I obtained this knowledge?

[Assistant] Actually, I'm in the middle of "�


[User] When I made it. For myself.

[Assistant] Well, how was I supposed to know?


[User] Well, I was hoping this might tip you off. [points to cover, which has a post-it note on it that states: "MY LUNCH DO NOT TOUCH!!"�]

[Assistant] That's kind of selfish, don't you think?


[User] I offered to make you some, you said no!

[Assistant] Ah, that was before I tasted the pancakes. It's a compliment, you should be flattered. [Cuddy enters.]


[User] Here. [hands him a file] It's Mrs. LAmbert's herpes test results.

[Assistant] Mrs. who?


[User] You've told more than one Patient his wife is sleeping with his daughter's karate teacher? You want to stir the pot, you have to clean up the mess.

[Assistant] What would you do if you got herpes?


[User] She's coming in at 5:00, don't make me come looking for you.

[Assistant] Actually, I'd know what you'd do. But, I mean, a normal guy.


[User] And don't be calling in sick or saying that your team needs you for some kind of emergency consult.

[Assistant] He suspected that his wife had also been playing the pickle games, he'd just keep it on the down-low. Just wait 'till she got infected.


[User] He'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty. [She leaves.]

[Assistant] Of course, maybe it was the wife. Maybe she was the one who "� [And with the Music of Epiphany, House has figured something out about the Patient of the Week.] Where's Mrs. Nympho?


[User] She's waiting outside, why?

[Assistant] Go search her.


[User] What, you mean her medical records?

[Assistant] If I'd meant that, good chance I'd've said that.


[User] You think she's poisoning him?

[Assistant] His symptoms should be getting better the longer he's here, instead they're getting worse.


[User] So either she's poisoning him, or it's not heavy metals. We've done over ten heavy metal tox screens "�

[Assistant] Because there's no reason to test for the other thirty. They don't get into the air or food, they only get in you if someone puts them in you. The only way we're going to find out what she's been sprinkling on his corn flakes is to search her.


[User] I am not going to accuse a Woman of trying to murder her own husband simply based on some paranoid theory.

[Assistant] It's the only explanation. We've eliminated Every other possibility.


[User] We have not eliminated Every other possibility!

[Assistant] Has he responded to the latest lupus treatment?


[User] He's only been on it for a few hours.

[Assistant] He hasn't responded because it's not lupus! It's not allergies, ALS, arthritis or sarcoidosis. She's all that's left. Do it! Hi, I'm Dr. House. Mind if I take a look in your purse?


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because I'm going to need to search it and you for whatEver you're using to poison your husband.


[User] Why would I want to hurt my husband?

[Assistant] Then you won't mind if I search your things.


[User] Absolutely not.

[Assistant] She agreed to let me search Everywhere else, but this she says no to. Doesn't that tell you something?


[User] Yes, that she doesn't want some lunatic doctor searParkng her vagina with a flashlight.

[Assistant] Cameron can do that.


[User] I am not going to "�

[Assistant] The Woman hasn't left the hospital since they arrived. WhatEver she's using she's obviously hiding somewhere.


[User] She's not poisoning him!

[Assistant] It's the only explanation!


[User] No, it's the only explanation your twisted mind can come up with because you're angry that you can't find the answer and you're taking it out on her!

[Assistant] And you are protecting a complete stranger based on some Parkldishly roMantic notion that people are all so happily married they don't want to kill each other!


[User] Are you calling me Parkldish?

[Assistant] Grow up.


[User] Let's see! I'm thinking Colonel Mustard, in the music room, with the candlestick.

[Assistant] There's no music room, it's the conservatory.


[User] Same thing.

[Assistant] No, it isn't. If we don't find out what she's using, start treatment immediately, he'll be dead in a week.


[User] If you're right. If Foreman's right, you'd have basically raped an innocent Woman. [sighs] My wife fired the maid. Apparently she's getting rid of anything that reminds her of me.

[Assistant] You did your maid?


[User] I was nice to our maid, which annoyed her, God knows why.

[Assistant] Maybe she was doing her.


[User] No one was doing her, all right?

[Assistant] But you still feel responsible. Even though nothing or no one was done, it's still your fault.


[User] I offered to keep paying her salary until she found another job, but she refused to take any money without doing any work, so!. If you want someone to clean your apartment, it's on me.

[Assistant] You're supposed to be moving out, not moving more people in.


[User] She's not moving in, she's gonna clean!

[Assistant] Maybe I should just move out, and the two of you could "�


[User] Yes, she is quite the little actress.

[Assistant] So, let's say she's not poisoning him.


[User] We should start him on cyclophosphamide, see if it makes a difference.

[Assistant] Yeah, and interferon.


[User] Interferon isn't an approved treatment for heavy metal toxicity, either.

[Assistant] True. But it's pretty much the only thing we can do for a viral infection. We didn't consider it because it doesn't "�


[User] Because it doesn't make sense! There's no fEver!

[Assistant] Because he's got no immune system, thanks to the immunosuppressant you prescribed him for lupus treatment.


[User] He didn't present with a fEver, either.

[Assistant] Because at that point he was a post-viral autoimmune reaction, which again, thanks to the immunosuppressants you prescribed for lupus treatment, his immune system basically rolled out the red carpet for the dorMant virus, waking it up, turning it into a present viral infection. Give him interferon.


[User] But if it is lupus, interferon could make it worse. Suppress his bone marrow Even further.

[Assistant] Which is more likely, a rapidly progressing, acute onset lupus in a Patient who's already on steroids or a team of doctors missing a post-viral reaction?


[User] We didn't miss anything.

[Assistant] Well, then, I'm wrong, and you shouldn't. Give him interferon!


[User] It's not working. Both his lungs and his kidneys are continuing to deteroriate.

[Assistant] Up the dose.


[User] We already have.

[Assistant] Apparently not enough.


[User] I don't think it's a virus. We've been running titers for Everything we could think of, they're all negative. [House's beeper beeps.]

[Assistant] Increase the interferon.


[User] House "�

[Assistant] You got a better idea, other than lupus?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Then up the dose.


[User] Mr. and Mrs. LAmbert's appointment was over an hour ago.

[Assistant] Sorry, I was sick. And my team needed an emergency consult. Your wife has herpes.


[User] What? That's impossible. I don't have any "�

[Assistant] You haven't had an outbreak. Yet. Don't worry, you will.


[User] But you're the one with blisters on his "�

[Assistant] Doesn't mean he got it first. You don't need to have an outbreak to spread the virus.


[User] From you! And maybe I'd actually get more if you weren't getting it somewhere else!

[Assistant] Well, you two obviously have a lot to talk about.


[User] I'm sorry, there is no test "�

[Assistant] Either of you two Ever sit on a public toilet? Well?


[User] Of course.

[Assistant] Herpes can live for short periods of time outside the body.


[User] Dr. House, you know you can't get herpes from "�

[Assistant] Some politically correct doctors will tell you that it's impossible to get infected by a toilet seat, but they'll also tell you not to use the same bath towel to dry your crotch and your face during an outbreak. See the contradiction?


[User] I always use a paper cover.

[Assistant] Always?


[User] Yes, of course.

[Assistant] What about you?


[User] Oh, please, this is ridiculous.

[Assistant] Damn, I was sure it was Miyagi.


[User] What?

[Assistant] He could beliEve that you could get herpes from a toilet seat, or he could be cheating on you and be happy to have an out.


[User] The toilet seat makes sense, doesn't it?

[Assistant] Sure, but she'd only refuse to beliEve such a well presented lie if she were innocent. And since you both can't be innocent, you ruddy jackass.


[User] Thanks a lot.

[Assistant] My pleasure.


[User] Wow. Not bad. [House looks at the ring, and the Music of Epiphany hits again.]

[Assistant] She has a family history of arthritis, doesn't she?


[User] [on the other end] Yeah, she does. What does "�

[Assistant] Stop the interferon. Do another heavy metal screen, only this time test for gold.


[User] You don't still think that she "�

[Assistant] And don't let her go to the bathroom!


[User] Why would you care if she "� hello?

[Assistant] Oh!


[User] Hi, I'm Lady.

[Assistant] What did you do to my closet?


[User] Uh, I cleaned it. Dr. Wilson said that I could go ahead and "�

[Assistant] It's not Dr. Wilson's closet! [And all the slashers go hee!] Where's the wood box?


[User] Wood box?

[Assistant] Yes, the wood box. It's made of wood, and it's box-shaped. It's been in the back of this closet since the day I moved in.


[User] I didn't see any kind of "�

[Assistant] Well, you may not have seen it, but you've obviously moved it. The question is, where?


[User] Well, I did not move anything, I just left the "�

[Assistant] Look, it was in this closet, then you came, now it's not in this closet!


[User] What type of box is it?

[Assistant] Wood! Wood! It's a brown, wood box, it's got a metal handle, it looks like a tackle or a toolbox "�


[User] Do you need to fix something?

[Assistant] [pocketing the desired bottle] Um, thanks.


[User] I'm going to the bathroom.

[Assistant] Where is she?


[User] She had to go to the bathroom.

[Assistant] I told you not to let her.


[User] What was I supposed to do? Tie her up?

[Assistant] Why not, she likes that. [He tosses his cane to Chase and works on opening the bottle while walking to the bathroom.]


[User] What are you doing? [House grabs her hand.] Uh, your hand is wet.

[Assistant] Sorry, must be nervous. I got some bad news.


[User] What?

[Assistant] The damage to your husband's lungs is perManent. Kidney damage is rEversible and with the right therapy he should regain full neurological function. Other than the fact that he's not going to be running any marathons, he's going to be fine.


[User] But that's good news, isn't it?

[Assistant] I'm not finished. When I was a kid, my dad was stationed at a marine base in Egypt. We were in the middle of nowhere and there was absolutely nothing for a kid to do except look for a mummy's tomb.


[User] You didn't want me to go to the bathroom because you wanted to tell me my husband is going to be fine and that you used to live in Egypt?

[Assistant] I didn't have a pRoblem with you going to the bathroom. I just didn't want you to wash your hands. I nEver actually did find a mummy, but I did learn a fair amount about the ancient Egyptians. For example, they discovered that stannous chloride is not only great for toughening ruby glass, but if it's mixed with gold, it turns bright purple. [He turns over Maria's hand, which is turning purple.] Now, either your fingers are actually worth their weight in gold, or you've been sprinkling your husband's cereal with gold sodium thiomalate. It's an arthritis remedy it's rarely used here in the US, but it's still popular in Mexico. I've gotta give you props. I've nEver heard of anyone using gold before. It's almost! poetic.


[User] Why would I "�

[Assistant] Because you were trying to kill him, I'd love to know the why behind that why. But you're not going to tell me, are you?


[User] You're wrong. I love Bob.

[Assistant] I nEver said you didn't love him.


[User] Maybe she was having an affair.

[Assistant] Or maybe she just gets her kicks slowly sucking the life out of a guy and watParkng him suffer.


[User] He must have done something to her.

[Assistant] Yeah, he had it coming.


[User] The only thing he did wrong was marry a sociopath.

[Assistant] Or maybe she just got tired of being married. Didn't want to admit to family and friends that the marriage that Everyone thought was perfect wasn't.


[User] Shouldn't one of us stay with her? If she tries to run "�

[Assistant] Yeah, Cameron, go back there. Well, it would be weird if we were all in the ladies' room. [House leaves in the elevator.]


[User] We started chelation therapy with dimercaprol.

[Assistant] Thrilled to hear it.


[User] His kidney function hasn't improved.

[Assistant] It will.


[User] He's gonna need a lung transplant.

[Assistant] He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?


[User] You're pleased. You think you've proved Every marriage is a mistake.

[Assistant] Do I look pleased? [Cameron walks over to him, pulls a $20 from her waistband and hands it to him.]


[User] Cuddy called.

[Assistant] I know. Saw the caller ID.


[User] Young girl, anaphylactic shock.

[Assistant] You answered?


[User] Turns out, that's what stops the ringing. It's a weird case. [he turns to see the unwashed dishes in the sink] I thought you did the dishes last night. It was your day.

[Assistant] I did. Those are new. Midnight snack. [he pops a vicodin]


[User] For a midnight snack you made a pot roast. The same pot roast I made last night.

[Assistant] Yeah. Actually it was after midnight. Today is your day, right?


[User] You want me out of here, I get it.

[Assistant] No it's fine if you stay. [he opens the fridge and notices a bottle with the label "Property of Wilson" which he promptly snags out and starts drinking from]


[User] The place I was going to move, the guy nEver called, otherwise I'd already be there.

[Assistant] I said it's fine if you stay.


[User] Yeah, that's why you're making me miserable.

[Assistant] Maybe I just want to make sure you do your fair share around here.


[User] That... [he notices it's his bottle but doesn't Manage to stop House from drinking from it in time]

[Assistant] What's weird about it? The girl with the allergies.


[User] Yeah. She's immuno-compromised.

[Assistant] What are you doing?


[User] What? You asked me--

[Assistant] You knew that I was interested, that gives you a valuable bargaining Parkp. Could have had me doing dishes for a week.


[User] Why did she have a clean room in her home?

[Assistant] Heart transplant. The immune system's in the toilet, mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta quality bubble.


[User] Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to a clean room.

[Assistant] Six months without putting out, Dr Cuddy doesn't NEED to wear thong panties, but it's not our call.


[User] I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties. She's had 4 days of work-ups. They've tested Everyone who came anywhere near that room, Everything in the room.

[Assistant] It's like an Agatha Christie mystery.


[User] Maybe it's not what was there; it's what she was doing.

[Assistant] Exercise allergy. Love it. What sort of exercise could a strapping young Man and a nubile teenage nymphet possibly be--


[User] Or the girl snuck out and she's lying about that.

[Assistant] Or the parents are lying about the room being clean.


[User] These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?

[Assistant] Hasn't let me down yet. Re-check mom, dad, the girl, the boy, the room and the home.


[User] Test was negative. No semen allergy.

[Assistant] Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis, I don't buy that it's unrelated.


[User] He loves her. Did Everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.

[Assistant] What's that mean?


[User] Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. No, maybe I should give a more relatable example.

[Assistant] Oh snap! What did he do to protect her, brillo-pad his privates?


[User] I assume he washed and he...

[Assistant] Oh good work, assumptions are so much faster than actual questions. [points with his cane] You the boyfriend? Need to borrow you.


[User] What is going on?

[Assistant] Don't worry. I'll return him in roughly the same condition. Did you take anything to stay healthy? Something stronger than an apple a day?


[User] [points worriedly to the coma Patient] Is he ok?

[Assistant] He's just tired. From being in a coma so long. What'd you take? Don't worry, he can keep a secret. [Dan keeps staring at the coma Patient; House grabs his face and turns him to look at House] Antibiotics? Penicillin? Any of those names ring a bell?


[User] Yeah, uh... my friend Elliot, his dad had like a whole bottle that he hadn't finished so I swiped it and took a bunch for like a week. There's no way I was going to risk breathing germs on Melinda.

[Assistant] This is the one downside of teenage sex. You're idiots. You almost killed your girlfriend. [Dan looks confused] She's allergic to penicillin.


[User] [in shock] What do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth!

[Assistant] Think lower, and more fun.


[User] [looks down] I mean... it can... it can go through your stuff?

[Assistant] Totally, dude! There's this administrator here, whenEver she gets sick she just gives me the prescription.


[User] But you know they tested Melinda, they said she wasn't allergic to my stuff.

[Assistant] Yeah, 4 days later. By that time the penicillin was crusting up a sock in the bottom of your hamper.


[User] Do you have to tell her it was my fault?

[Assistant] No. Great part of being a grown-up, you nEver have to do anything.


[User] It's not an allergy, it's her heart.

[Assistant] What's the good news, what's the bad news? [he's writing on the whiteboard]


[User] Congestive heart failure.

[Assistant] Is which?


[User] Good news.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] I don't know, it just sounded like you.

[Assistant] New puzzle piece, always good news. What's the bad news?


[User] We've got 2 puzzle pieces from 2 different puzzles.

[Assistant] [sighs] Seems that way.


[User] What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis. Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure and then heart failure.

[Assistant] And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It's anaphylaxis. What else?


[User] We explained the anaphylaxis.

[Assistant] What do you mean 'we'? I did! Guess I thought I did, maybe I didn't. Still, it was all me.


[User] And heart pRoblems aren't so rare for someone who's had a heart transplant. I say we assume House was right about the anaphylaxis--

[Assistant] It is tempting!


[User] [he snatches the whiteboard marker from House and starts writing] Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection.

[Assistant] [snatches the marker back] Sorry, there's a reason they call it the WHITEboard. It's not my rule. What ties both of these conditions together?


[User] [closes the door] Where is... [House raises his eyebrow] the hooker, I assume?

[Assistant] [taps his head] Right up here, buddy. [he turns on a light and slips on to the couch]


[User] You said you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.

[Assistant] I didn't say it had to be with another person. [Wilson suddenly flinches away, extreme exasperation and a touch of horror to his expression] Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?


[User] No. I was waiting out there, for hours!

[Assistant] Now I need a lot of foreplay, and then there's the cuddling afterwards. [Wilson looks fed up and throws his briefcase on to the floor] Any way that anaphylaxis isn't anaphylaxis Even if it responds to epi?


[User] No. Well no wonder you were in the mood. This month's New Jersey journal of Cardiology. [he picks up the magazine on the table]

[Assistant] Have you seen the centre fold? There's no WAY those valves are real! Any chance that the heart failure could be unrelated to--


[User] No. If you need time alone to work, you just have to say so. You don't have to lie about it.

[Assistant] Lying's more fun.


[User] Being lied to, not as much fun.

[Assistant] Please have an answer to this question: what's for dinner? [he opens a package of some snack while Wilson walks into the kitchen]


[User] You STILL haven't done the dishes?!

[Assistant] You want one of these? I think I got a couple of blueberries... ohh... nope, sorry [he eats it] just one. [Wilson stands at the kitchen doorway and watches House while squeezing the bridge of his nose] Well don't look all weepy. If you've got a pRoblem with me, deal with it! Short my sheets or something.


[User] At this rate it'll be up to her lungs in a matter of days.

[Assistant] So... anaphylaxis, heart failure and paralysis. We couldn't put the first two together; I'm guessing we can't put all three together.


[User] Particularly because tick paralysis is usually accompanied by a tick. We did two comprehensive physicals looking for insect bites.

[Assistant] Can we put any two of those together?


[User] Could be a virus. West Nile, Even Polio with her immune system shot.

[Assistant] Get an LP. And do PCRs for the viruses. And get an EMG to check for Guillain-Barre. Foreman's right, we've got to find out why she's paralysed. [the Ducklings stare] But not before staring at me dumbly for a few seconds. [Ducklings make their exit]


[User] You didn't get any messages for me last week, did you?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] That's funny, guy finally called back. Place I lost? Said he left 3 voicemails.

[Assistant] Gotta pee.


[User] Which I nEver got. If that wasn't clear.

[Assistant] He must be lying. [he hobbles towards the toilet, Wilson follows] You wouldn't want to live with a liar.


[User] You erased my messages?

[Assistant] Yup! Decided I wanted you to stay. Told you that didn't I? [he continues talking to Wilson while he pees]


[User] You're... miserable, and you're lonely, and you're going to trap me here to keep me Every bit as miserable and lonely too [emo moment!]

[Assistant] Yeah, and you're happy happy happy.


[User] Ok, hey, I'm obviously going through a rough patch here. Your wife leaves, tends to bum somebody out.

[Assistant] [flushes the toilet, hobbles to the sink to wash his hands] Do you know where my pee went?


[User] You're missing some?

[Assistant] Nope, came out of me and went right into the toilet. Now why would that be?


[User] You're William Tell, you could pick an apple off someone's head?

[Assistant] No, it's because there was no clear plastic wrap over the toilet. The stuff's in the kitchen, you have plenty of time. All that was missing was the WILL.


[User] This isn't a college dorm!

[Assistant] It could be.


[User] We're not 18!

[Assistant] So what? What did I do to you? I scammed you into doing the dishes, made you sit on the steps. I didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.


[User] Oh, so this is therapy?

[Assistant] No... just makes me smile.


[User] All right, I'm finding a new place tomorrow.

[Assistant] [takes a beer and pops off the lid] Right, but not tonight.


[User] Well I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I'm asleep I wouldn't want to deprive you of that last smile.

[Assistant] You're not going anywhere. You're going to sit on my couch, and depress us both because you just can't admit that it's over with your wife.


[User] That's right, I'm here on vacation.

[Assistant] Have you gotten a Lawyer yet?


[User] That's... that's... not...

[Assistant] You Even called one? As long as you're here, it's just a fight. As soon as you get a place, then it's a divorce. Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about. [Wilson suddenly realises House's intentions all along, yay!]


[User] Melinda's dying.

[Assistant] [in his PJs] We're all dying. How fast?


[User] Cuddy wants to get her an MRI to rule out a spinal lesion.

[Assistant] [hobbling across his kitchen with a pot filled with water] Cuddy? What's she doing on this?


[User] The family lost confidence in us.

[Assistant] I don't blame them. I'll be right in. [he puts down the phone and puts the pot of water next to the couch, then proceeds to lift one of Wilson's hands and dips it into the pot of water]


[User] This time of the year they're not spraying.

[Assistant] This girl's tough. She gets what she wants. She's deprived of huMan contact; she gets herself a back door Man. Or in her case, a side window boy. What else has she been deprived of?


[User] She's on a special diet because of her allergies.

[Assistant] The boyfriend brings the hot beef, he also brings a side dish. Botulism.


[User] This paralysis is ascending, remember?

[Assistant] Not if the heart pRoblem was really a paralytic pRoblem.


[User] She didn't admit anything. He admitted the sex and we didn't ask him about food.

[Assistant] Get me a rat.


[User] You have a rat.

[Assistant] What? We're not going to kill Steve! Only way to confirm this, we inject a rat with her blood, and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime I'm going downstairs to browbeat the scared dying teenage girl until she... breaks down like a scared dying teenage girl. [to Wilson] You're up early.


[User] We're checking for spinal lesions from leukaemia.

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. Fits perfectly. Unless this is the Patient with the anaphylaxis, the heart failure, and the paralysis. In which case you're wasting your time.


[User] We wanted a second opinion.

[Assistant] Second? We've given you at least 8. Ok, well then here is 9. [he extubates Melinda] Botulism. Listen to me, have you eaten anything abnormal? Any canned foods?


[User] No.

[Assistant] You sure? Lying to your parents is usually the right thing to do, but there is an impending death exception. [he takes the bag and puts it over her mouth then pumps it to help her breathe]


[User] Don't talk to her like that!

[Assistant] You're right, she nEver lies. I was being rude. When your boyfriend snuck in on Friday night [turns around to the parents] - surprise! - perhaps he got you some sexy little treats, huh? Some Honey or some edible underwears, massage oils, come on, anything.


[User] [gasping for breath] We didn't--

[Assistant] Yeah, we know about the sex. [Melinda's eyes widen in shock] Turns out that Danny's little Danny is full of penicillin and that's what caused your anaphylactic shock.


[User] No! It was clindAmycin, what I use.

[Assistant] [shocked] He said he was on penicillin.


[User] It's a non-penicillin antibiotic.

[Assistant] If the antibiotics didn't cause the anaphylaxis...


[User] It's still on the table.

[Assistant] Everything's connected.


[User] What did we discuss? What was the differential?

[Assistant] Cameron said... [House and Foreman share a look, Foreman takes over pumping the bag to help Melinda breathe] When Dan came to your House that night, did he go through any tall grass?


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Your daughter had 2 visitors on Friday night. One of them is still in the room. She has tick paralysis. Dan tracked a tick on to his jeans, which wouldn't be a pRoblem but being a teenager, Dan couldn't keep his tick in his pants.


[User] We already checked her.

[Assistant] Now I'm checking her.


[User] Tick bites don't ordinarily cause anaphylactic shock.

[Assistant] This girl's allergies are not ordinary.


[User] House, get out of here, we have to re-intubate her, and get her into the MRI.

[Assistant] Time course is perfect. Bite itself sets off an allergic reaction, venom takes 4 days to kick in, heart's vulnerable, hits that first. Then a day later, sets off the ascending paralysis.


[User] Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.

[Assistant] They are until you find them! [he triumphantly holds up the comb...] oh no, that's dandruff. Okay well that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time it'll be Even better.


[User] What's happening?

[Assistant] That's the tick venom ascending.


[User] She's going to need a trans-venous pacing wire. Ok, magical tick hunt is over! [she pulls House away] Only real doctor stuff now.

[Assistant] She's just going to get worse. Ticks produce more toxins the longer they feed. She's going to be dead in an hour, Even if you pump her heart full of jet fuel. Unless you let me find the tick.


[User] The only thing I know for sure is that your daughter's heart won't last another 20 minutes without treatment.

[Assistant] Okay, just need one final instruction, when I find the tick on the autopsy, do you want to know? I'm thinking not, pRobably will make coping easier.


[User] Not inamrinone could cause death. Death's worse. We have to get her up to the ICU.

[Assistant] Sorry, a little crowded in here.


[User] House, get out of the elevator.

[Assistant] You're welcome to wait for the next one. [he takes back his cane and the doors start to close]


[User] Got her.

[Assistant] Well as long as we're stuck here, this might be a good time to look for that tick.


[User] Turn the elevator back on.

[Assistant] Just be a minute, Honey.


[User] Atropine's wearing off.

[Assistant] Inject her again.


[User] That's just temporary.

[Assistant] Temporary's fine, we're not hanging wallpaper.


[User] We've got to get her upstairs and put her on norepiniphrine.

[Assistant] It wasn't penicillin. You still think the symptoms are unconnected?


[User] We've got to take care of her heart-- [he takes the bag and starts pumping to aid her breathing again]

[Assistant] [shouting] You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone, and the water's boiling. Which pRoblem do you deal with first?


[User] House!

[Assistant] None of them! The building's on fire! We treat her symptoms, she dies, we find the cause, she lives. That tick is an IV drip of poison, we unhook it, she'll be fine.


[User] [gives up after a few seconds] This is my last atropine. Buys us about 3 minutes.

[Assistant] Let's get her gown up.


[User] Ear canal's clean.

[Assistant] Left foot's clean.


[User] If it's not here, we've only got... heart rate's 46.

[Assistant] It's here. Looks like a mole or a freckle, something we missed. Check the armpits.


[User] [shares a look with Wilson] I'm sure he must be mistaken. [Wilson nods thoughtfully]

[Assistant] Perinuem.


[User] We checked it. If we get her upstairs--

[Assistant] Maxilla.


[User] Checked. [checks her heart rate] Down to 38. We don't have a lot of time, we've got to--

[Assistant] Eyebrows, eardrums, pubic hair.


[User] Checked, checked, checked. We checked Everywhere. It's not-- [alarms start beeping, her heart rate has gone below 35] 35, we've got to get her to the ICU.

[Assistant] We haven't found the tick yet.


[User] We already kidnapped her, you want to add murder!? We've looked over Every inch of skin on her body, House. It's over. [he releases the emergency stop button]

[Assistant] Hey, is that the first time you had sex? [she faints] With all the other stuff going on down there she might not have realised... [he starts checking her vagina for the tick]


[User] Wait!

[Assistant] See? I told you it'd be Even more dramatic. [He's holding a tick... and its legs are still wriggling] Push norepiniphrine, get her heart back to normal. She'll be completely cured by tomorrow.


[User] Foreman, let's get her into the ICU. [They wheel Melinda away followed by the parents. House hobbles out of the elevator, grabs his cane still on the bed, then lets them take her away to the ICU. He drops the tick into someone's cup and starts taking off his gloves as Wilson drops in beside him]

[Assistant] Inamrinone was a stupid idea. Unless you wanted me to get that girl in the elevator.


[User] Oh, I wouldn't do that.

[Assistant] Wouldn't respect you if you did.


[User] I called a divorce Lawyer today.

[Assistant] Does that mean you're leaving?


[User] Call.

[Assistant] You'll call anything.


[User] My stack's bigger than your stack. [House checks his cards again] You in or out?

[Assistant] You know that relative to their size, gorillas have smaller testicles than huMans.


[User] Well then you'd pRobably have an edge over a gorilla, but not over me.

[Assistant] Reason is, primate teste size inversely corresponds to the fidelity of our females.


[User] Do you think there might be a better time to annoy me about my wife?

[Assistant] I'm talking about poker.


[User] Women are evil, you're right to drive them away. Call fold or raise, storytime can wait!

[Assistant] We're smaller and better than Parkmps, bigger and worse than gorillas. For all our rationality, our supposed trust and fealty to a higher power, our ability to create a system of rules and laws; our baser drives are more powerful than any of that. We want to control our emotions, but we can't. [Wilson looks tolerably annoyed] If we're happy, things don't annoy us. If on the other hand, we're sitting on crappy hold cards, little tiny things annoy us a whole lot more. [he puts the cigar back in his mouth and wags it up and down almost right in front of Wilson's face. Wilson seems to have a poker face on] I raise.


[User] So are you going to tell me an annoying story Everytime I raise?

[Assistant] God that would be annoying.


[User] That sounds like gastroenteritis and dehydration. Order fluids and I'll take it on my service. Bet's to you, House.

[Assistant] They scan his head?


[User] Don't play games. You gonna call?

[Assistant] How's the heart rate?


[User] I'm sorry. House, it's gastroenteritis. I'm not going anywhere. [to Wells] Put the order in, and have someone tell Alan and Sarah that I'll be up when I'm done. [to House] You in or out?

[Assistant] [after a pause] I'm out. [he gets up to leave]


[User] Oh! [she puts down her cards face up] Stone cold bluff! You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a little less time staring at my breasts.

[Assistant] They don't match either. I'm going to take some air. Follow my finger with your eyes. [Ian's eyes seem to follow the finger just fine]


[User] [the mother] How much longer will doctor Cuddy be?

[Assistant] Given the number of mojitos she's knocking back at the party, I'd say it's going to be at least 3 hours before she's Even conscious.


[User] Weren't you at the same party?

[Assistant] [pops a vicodin] I don't drink. I want you to reach out and grab my cane. [Ian's hand reaches out way to the right of the cane and grabs thin air. He gradually corrects himself and grabs onto the cane after a couple more tries]


[User] [the father] What's wrong?

[Assistant] Your son's brain is losing control of his muscles.


[User] Dr Cuddy's message said it was just dehydration from diarrhea.

[Assistant] She's wrong. [he gets up to leave]


[User] Is he going to be all right?

[Assistant] I don't know.


[User] You are mean.

[Assistant] [suddenly interrupts] Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet or is it still draining? [looks at the Woman] Oh, I'm sorry, didn't realise you'd come back for seconds. I figured that after the girl on the stairwell you'd be done for the night.


[User] He's joking.

[Assistant] No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time. [he smiles and nods in amusement]


[User] [looks very uncomfortable] I'll er... see you later. [House winks at her as she leaves]

[Assistant] Got a case.


[User] Well you could have just said that, you didn't have to screw with me.

[Assistant] Yeah if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope. Get Foreman and Cameron and meet me upstairs, stat.


[User] What's so urgent?

[Assistant] Two cases, same symptoms. What do 6-yr-olds and 70-yr-olds have in common?


[User] Their immune systems don't work as well, could be Listeria.

[Assistant] I already checked for that.


[User] So does asthma.

[Assistant] No no no.


[User] Could both be diabetes. [she and Foreman pick up the case files on the table]

[Assistant] No! The nearly dead and the newly bred have more in common with each other than with people in the middle. What's weird is the kind of circle of life thing.


[User] This kid doesn't have kidney failure.

[Assistant] He will.


[User] Based on this file, the kid just ate some bad food. Was the old Man--

[Assistant] They were nowhere near each other in any of the four dimensions.


[User] This case is 12 years old.

[Assistant] Yep.


[User] And this case is Cuddy's.

[Assistant] She assigned it to me.


[User] She agrees with you that this is something more than gastroenteritis?

[Assistant] She wouldn't have assigned it to me if she didn't, would she? What were we talking about?


[User] Two Patients with two symptoms in common. And 5 symptoms not in common.

[Assistant] While you were all wearing your 'Frankie says Relax' T-shirts, I was treating a 73-yr-old Woman who went through this progression of symptoms, the last of which was... [he leans down and writes DEATH at the bottom of all her symptoms] In case any of you missed that class in med school, that one's untreatable. Kid's got the first two. Took Esther an hour and 20 mins to go from two to three. And less than a day to make it all the way to the rear exit.


[User] This is all because a Parkld has some blood in his diarrhea. He's got a tummy ache, if there was any reason to think it was anything worse, Cuddy would be all over it.

[Assistant] Great. Do a colonoscopy.


[User] On a 6-yr-old kid who pRobably has nothing worse than some food poisoning?

[Assistant] If you happen to find any purple papules, do me a favour and grab a slice. I want to check for Erdheim-Chester.


[User] A disease that there have been what, maybe 200 reported cases of, Ever?

[Assistant] If Esther's family had let me to an autopsy, there'd be 201.


[User] Forget it Chase, your punParkng the shark story is good but she's not waiting for you. [Foreman laughs]

[Assistant] [walks in] So?


[User] Blood blisters.

[Assistant] You mean papules. Come on Cameron, who's right? [she's looking into the microscope]


[User] Chase is. Negative for Erdheim-Chester.

[Assistant] Let me see. [he checks] If it's not Erdheim-Chester...


[User] It's exactly what we said before, garden variety viral gastroenteritis, can we go back to the party?

[Assistant] [taking off his bowtie] Do a kidney biopsy. Esther's shut down in exactly-- [he checks his watch]


[User] This kid is not Esther. You screwed up, she died, I'm sorry but that does not mean this kid is dying as well.

[Assistant] Geez. You get testy when you don't get any fuzz. Come on.


[User] What's that?

[Assistant] Urine.


[User] Ian's kidneys are shutting down.

[Assistant] Still think it's not the same case? So, what can cause bloody diarrhea, ataxia and kidney failure?


[User] I'll go and do a biopsy.

[Assistant] Forget it. That battle's over. His rising creatinine is his kidney's way of saying go on without me. What explains Everything?


[User] E. coli H0157 causes bloody diarrhea, and leads to hemolytic uremic syndrome. Toxins from the bacteria causes his kidneys to shut down, we should start him on plasmapheresis.

[Assistant] Clear, concise, and completely plausible. And exactly what I did last time, didn't work. What else?


[User] Goodpasture's syndrome. Circulating antibodies cause kidney failure and bleeding.

[Assistant] But not the purple papules.


[User] His hematocrit would have to be low, it's at 44 and Esther's nEver dropped below...

[Assistant] 42


[User] You have the file memorised?

[Assistant] It's my lucky number.


[User] You check Esther for that?

[Assistant] She nEver showed any signs of... if he has lymphoma this far advanced, we should be able to see it in his blood and brain. Chase, run a blood smear and immuno-chemistries. Foreman get an MRI.


[User] I'll page Cuddy.

[Assistant] No you won't.


[User] She thinks the kid has a stomach ache.

[Assistant] She'll come right up here and do one of two things - if she agrees with me, I don't need her, if she disagrees I don't want her.


[User] You can't handle people disagreeing with you? She might have a different take on this.

[Assistant] Subordinates can disagree with me all they want, it's healthy. People who can shut me down on the other hand... forget Cuddy, I'll have Wilson keep her busy. [puts his phone on speakerphone] Keep your answers short and discrete. Is Cuddy still playing?


[User] The Parkcken is still in Picadilly Square.

[Assistant] Brilliant. She'll nEver suspect that NorMandy is her target.


[User] Is that House? Tell him that the blinds just went to 20-40 and he's running out of Parkps.

[Assistant] How's she doing?


[User] Well what's going on? The way you took off, something's obviously--

[Assistant] Love to chat but got a game to play. How's she doing?


[User] Are you talking about me?

[Assistant] And what have you got?


[User] Hmm... does sound like high dose cardio meds.

[Assistant] [while on the phone, performs a trick to make a Parkp disappear, what a magician he is] Two hearts. You got the flush?


[User] Still waiting on the final labs.

[Assistant] She drinking her seltzer?


[User] No, hydration is not a pRoblem.

[Assistant] Means she's bluffing. Push her all in. [Wilson does so]


[User] [flips his cards but only ends up having one pair] SEven of clubs. [Cuddy cackles]

[Assistant] Oh dear, sounds like I messed up. You're going to be stuck with her for a while. Talk to you soon. [puts down the phone]


[User] The base of his brain's been infiltrated by a small mass. We think--

[Assistant] Pituitary?


[User] Explains the low blood pressure.

[Assistant] [walks to the board and starts writing, Chase enters] Pretty much confirms the lymphoma. Should have started Esther on prednisone.


[User] Didn't see any in the blood either. White blood cells show no spindling, or abnormal nuclei, nothing on immuno-chemistries either. It's not lymphoma.

[Assistant] [hopes shot down again, he takes his cane and wanders out of the room with the Ducklings in tow]


[User] House!

[Assistant] It's a train. We don't know what kind of train--


[User] Woah [grabs House's cane]

[Assistant] I'm thirsty.


[User] It's closed!

[Assistant] [yanks his cane back and starts whacking the lock again until it does open and the gate rolls up out of the way] It's not now. We've got one advantage. We know where the tracks are going.


[User] The fact that the end of the line is death... is an advantage?

[Assistant] The fact that we know is an advantage. [he turns on the coffee maParkne and gets himself a cup] Which means we can get ahead of it. Next station is the liver. We've got about 90 minutes before it gets there. Maybe we can cut down a tree across the line just outside of town.


[User] I'll do an ultrasound.

[Assistant] No, treatment will tell us more faster.


[User] How can we start treatment if we have no idea what we're treating for?

[Assistant] [angrily knocks back some stuff on the counter with a crash] Treat him for Everything! Give him acetylcysteine and interferon and silymarine and whatEver else you can think of to protect the liver.


[User] What's going on?

[Assistant] Oh just catParkng up on some TV. How're you doing?


[User] She says the Patient--

[Assistant] I heard. What've you got?


[User] Well Cuddy just raised and err...

[Assistant] You're paired.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Nines?


[User] [momentary shock, he looks around to check whether House is standing behind him or something] How do you know?

[Assistant] Anything lower, you wouldn't sound so excited. Jacks are higher, your voice sounds like Debbie from accounting is sitting in your lap. Ask Cuddy if she can beat a pair of threes.


[User] Wait, wha... what's going on? If you're going to mess with me, wouldn't it be more fun to do it in person?

[Assistant] Yes, it would.


[User] [to Cuddy] Erm... can you beat a pair of threes?

[Assistant] What did she do?


[User] I left orders for PO fluids, doctor.

[Assistant] Enough with the codes, she obviously knows it's me.


[User] She's drinking her seltzer. [Cuddy looks surprised and stops]

[Assistant] Did she stop?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Go all in.


[User] Umm... but...

[Assistant] Just do it.


[User] You couldn't care less about this charity Event, you claim not to be messing with me, obviously you're either trying to keep me--

[Assistant] Shut up! Look, last time I wanted the game to go on. I still do. Means that this time you get to win.


[User] Meds seem to be working. Liver's holding its own.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] But the platelets are dropping.

[Assistant] Even better.


[User] Why? It means he's getting sicker.

[Assistant] It's new. New is good. Because old ended in death.


[User] We had to put him on a ventilator.

[Assistant] He's back on Esther's path. We Managed to make the train skip a few stations which means that instead of 12 hours, he's pRobably got less than two. Which begs the question why. What did we do?


[User] Acetylcysteine could mess with the lungs.

[Assistant] Mess with them, not shut them down in 20 minutes.


[User] Slows down all five hundred of them? [Foreman concedes her point]

[Assistant] Anybody know where we can find an oncologist at this hour? What effects would interferon have on leukemia?


[User] Depends on what type. Could make it better, could make it worse.

[Assistant] Four-year fellowship to learn that.


[User] Tell House if he wants to play cards he can get his ass back down here and play.

[Assistant] You hear that? She wants me off the phone, means she's vulnerable. Go all in.


[User] It's over in less than 2 hours. Which means you either have 3 of a kind or just 3's. I'm guessing 3's. I bet five hundred.

[Assistant] Go all in.


[User] You obviously want to bust me . Why would you--

[Assistant] Either you go all in or I tell Everybody in the building that you wear toenail polish.


[User] [fakes a rather anguished face before turning over one card, and then the other rather enthusiastically] Oh, oh, oh no, oh no! Ohhhh that's gotta hurt. [The glee on Cuddy's face turns to horror]

[Assistant] What happened?


[User] I just killed two birds with one straight. Goodbye.

[Assistant] Fine, keep playing, but I need you to recommend a good Oncologist because if I don't get one up here in the next few minutes, I got a dead 6-yr-old. [Wilson puts down the phone]


[User] If you need help, ask. These games are insane.

[Assistant] Games have a higher success rate.


[User] Well, I don't see anything that looks like leukemia. You do a bone marrow biopsy?

[Assistant] No time.


[User] Even if there is an occult blood cancer, you wouldn't expect interferon to make it worse. And certainly not this fast.

[Assistant] What would move this fast?


[User] Who may or may not have had Kawasaki's. This kid on the other hand, he makes antibodies that are eating the inside of his arteries, choking off blood to his major organs one by one. First the GI tract, then the kidneys, then the brain, now the lungs.

[Assistant] Can anyone think of a reason why Kawasaki's can't affect the elderly? Other than it doesn't. [no reply] Nice.


[User] What was the old lady's sed rate?

[Assistant] Elevated. 98.


[User] You can't use another Patient's labs to diagnose Kawasaki's disease!

[Assistant] Is that like a dare or something?


[User] You don't have time to be wrong.

[Assistant] Fine. We'll look for Kawasaki where he lives, Ian's coronary arteries.


[User] Have you read Moby Dick?

[Assistant] It was a book?


[User] It was 10 years ago.

[Assistant] 12


[User] Obsession is dangerous.

[Assistant] Only if you're on a wooden ship and your obsession is a whale. I think I'm in the clear.


[User] You do realise it's a metaphor?

[Assistant] You do realise that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen than what will really happen? God I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better. Go back to the game. Don't worry, I'm not going to get eaten by witches. [he gets into the elevator and leaves Wilson standing alone]


[User] Esther didn't have a mass in her heart.

[Assistant] Ian's younger. He can take more of a pounding. Esther died before the disease reached her heart. The disease made a mass and made it fast.


[User] Connective tissue?

[Assistant] Kid can't take any more theories. Only thing we know is that whatEver that mass is, that's what he's got. We need a piece of it. I'm doing a biopsy.


[User] I'll shut the blinds.

[Assistant] No let them watch, I do my best work on the big stage. Passing through the superior vena cava.


[User] You're in the atrium. Pull back. You've hit the wall of the heart.

[Assistant] These procedures would be so much simpler if you could do them on healthy people. And out again. [as he's pulling the biopsy needle out, alarms start beeping] V fib!


[User] Cardiac arrest! Call a code.

[Assistant] [takes off Ian's Robe] Come on, paddles! Come on.


[User] Charged.

[Assistant] Clear! [he shocks Ian, no effect]


[User] Code blue, Iso room. Code blue, Iso room. [nurses run to the alert]

[Assistant] And again. [shocks Ian, Chase checks for a pulse]


[User] Nothing.

[Assistant] Again. [shock, check for pulse] You got a clock on this?


[User] How much longer are you going to keep doing this?

[Assistant] Clear. [shock, check for pulse]


[User] Wait! I've got something.

[Assistant] He's back. [he starts to finish taking out the biopsy needle which is still stuck where it was before Ian went into cardiac arrest]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Doing what we came here to do.


[User] It almost killed him.

[Assistant] I know, I was right here. Give me a vacutainer.


[User] His brain's been oxygen-deprived for over 8 minutes. There might be nothing left, he might--

[Assistant] Tell the parents. Where the hell is that vacutainer? [a nurse hands him one] So, what's he got?


[User] Brain damage.

[Assistant] Good chance. I was talking about before that.


[User] You're not worried about--

[Assistant] Things I can't do anything about, I try not to.


[User] Very unlikely in a 73-yr-old.

[Assistant] WhatEver this is is very unlikely. Come on, more ideas, let's go people.


[User] If it's genetic he's had it all his life, why now?

[Assistant] I don't know, it sure fits nice enough.


[User] Chondrocytomas.

[Assistant] How's it going? You win?


[User] I got called away. By the angry parents of a Patient. There are THREE of you here, none of you had the sense to stop him, to pick up a phone and call me.

[Assistant] I told them you'd signed off. The parents are mad because their kid is dying, that's understandable. But if he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore.


[User] Well if he's brain-damaged, they might still be a little ticked.

[Assistant] I had to do it to save him.


[User] You had to do it to diagnose Esther. You may have killed a 6-yr-old because you're obsessed with a Woman who's been dead for 12 years. Sometimes you lose, House. You're not God!

[Assistant] He's not dead yet.


[User] No, but you're done with him, it's my case now. Go home, go ride your motorcycle, go brood in a dark room, just don't go near Ian again. [she storms off]

[Assistant] So, anything else or is it just these sEven?


[User] Drop it House, she's right.

[Assistant] No she's not. You know she's not.


[User] We should have called her.

[Assistant] I'm surprised you didn't.


[User] You're going to have to find a way to let this go. We can't go near Ian.

[Assistant] We don't need to go near him, we have his tumor. Cuddy may be right that we screwed up the protocol, she may be right about my screwed up obsession, but I'm right about the medicine. [he takes the tumor slice out of the fridge in a container and puts it in front of Cameron] How Many tests can we do with that? [Cameron sighs] Look, we cure the kid we solve Everybody's pRoblems. How Many?


[User] Maybe two good pieces.

[Assistant] How Many okay pieces?


[User] Three would be pushing it.

[Assistant] [turns around to look back at the whiteboard] Three tests, sEven choices. Okay, what's first?


[User] Sarcoidosis seems most likely.

[Assistant] Yeah, so likely that Cuddy's going to think of that all on her own. She's got the kid's whole body to play with. Let her do that test. What's next?


[User] Or it's his immune system, histiocytosis.

[Assistant] Well there are more documented cases of histio amongst older people than tuberous sclerosis, let's start with that. [he circles it on the board, Ducklings exit]


[User] Time course fits.

[Assistant] Mr Foreman, you agree with both of them? Thanks for playing.


[User] If we have enough tissue for two tests, why not do both?

[Assistant] Then we don't have to think as hard. Taking the pressure off the choice makes us less likely to think critically.


[User] Sarcoma is more likely to hit a 6 and 70 yr old.

[Assistant] Tuberous sclerosis it is.


[User] You think sarcoma's less likely?

[Assistant] It's more likely, the test for it on the other hand, is less reliable.


[User] KR67's negative. And PCH antigen is negative.

[Assistant] Mighty Casey is down to his last strike.


[User] Mighty Casey struck out.

[Assistant] Thanks a lot, didn't read that this weekend. [pops a vicodin]


[User] I vote for neurofibromatosis.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because the other choices suck worse.

[Assistant] Give me a minute. You want me out of here?


[User] You come up with anything?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Hey.

[Assistant] We can talk about it tomorrow.


[User] [he starts walking back to his office, then turns around again to address House] I erm... I won the poker tournament. [House is immediately interested] I totally played this guy BurMan from Business Affairs. I got great cards, but I don't bet. Just call, no raises. BurMan pairs his king on the flop, I keep calling, the river turns, I check. He can't stand it. He goes all in, he's sure he's won. [Wilson dramatically makes hand gestures about flipping the cards] I call. I flip 'em. Oh! [he looks victorious]

[Assistant] Pocket aces.


[User] I nailed his ass!

[Assistant] [smiles indulgently, then suddenly realises something] The aces were hiding all along. Test him for Erdheim-Chester disease.


[User] So did Esther.

[Assistant] Disease lied.


[User] Yeah, the tumor's got it in for you. Diseases don't lie.

[Assistant] Fine, it didn't lie, it slow played us. We biopsied the colon, it hadn't reached the GI tract yet. It's there now. It's in his liver, his lungs--


[User] We can't waste our one test on the one disease we know it's not.

[Assistant] Run the test. [The ducklings look disappointed but do it anyway]


[User] You sure about this?

[Assistant] Wait, let me think about that. Don't pressure me. Just run the damn test.


[User] Cells look like macrophages.

[Assistant] That's a good start. [walks away and stares at the wall] Take your time and say it loud.


[User] CD 68 positive [he smiles]

[Assistant] Start the treatment. [Ducklings exit]


[User] So Esther can rest peaceful now huh?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] [peeks at his cards] Forty. [they are betting with real money this time] You got lucky. You going to call?

[Assistant] What I do, is not just based on the flip of a card.


[User] You guessed. You got lucky.

[Assistant] It fit.


[User] It could just as easily have been sarcoma or tuberous sclerosis.

[Assistant] No, not just as easily.


[User] Maybe not. But it wasn't impossible. Are you going to call?

[Assistant] [the piano music starts up again in the background, House smokes his cigar] You know, relative to it's size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal. [said with a poker face]


[User] [stands in the doorway for a brief moment, then loudly shuts the door.]

[Assistant] [jumps, startled from sleep, takes the Medical Journal off his face.]


[User] You've seen one Patient in the last two hours.

[Assistant] CompliCated case. I'm a night owl - Wilson's an early bird. We're different species.


[User] Move him into his own cage.

[Assistant] Who'll clean the droppings from mine? [Rolls over, turning his back to her]


[User] [walks to the other side of the examination bed, hands him the file] Twenty-five year old female with sleep issues.

[Assistant] I'm guessing she's... what's the medical term? Upset. These 25-year-old females are usually completely rational. They're rocks. Really. [glances at the file momentarily] Eh... my theory seems to be supported by the fact that she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. Get her a shrink. And I need some shut-eye.


[User] She's a little bit more than upset. She hasn't slept in ten days.

[Assistant] She's lying. Without REM sleep, your neurons stop regenerating - the brains shut down lobe by lobe. She'd be insane after five days - dead by ten.


[User] Give me a little credit, I know what gets you off. She took the pills to sleep, not to kill herself.

[Assistant] ClEver alibi.


[User] They didn't work. She stayed awake, Even though she downed the whole bottle.

[Assistant] [seems intrigued, takes the file from Cuddy]


[User] And the longest anyone has Ever survived without sleep is elEven days. Which gives you about 22 hours. [exits]

[Assistant] [sits up properly and reads the file]


[User] You knew I was writing one, you gave me notes!

[Assistant] Got a case. It can wait, you two finish. [To Chase] Five bucks says someone loses an eye.


[User] [snatches the file from House and begins reading through it]

[Assistant] Fine. You're only putting off the inevitable. Twenty five year old female, hasn't slept for ten days.


[User] [interrupts him] The brain is being stressed, we need to reliEve that. [To House] You've had my article on your desk for the last four months!

[Assistant] I'm a very slow reader. No fEver, no white count, means no infection.


[User] SParkzophrenia?

[Assistant] No delusions.


[User] You read his!

[Assistant] I signed it, I didn't read it. [pauses] Aside from the sleeping pills, tox-screen was clean. No cocaine, meth, amphetamines, or diet pills.


[User] Nothing that would cause sleep disturbances. When did you get his article?

[Assistant] Ahh.. about three weeks ago. Let's go back to the beginning.


[User] How far back?

[Assistant] Genesis. God said, let there be light.


[User] Optic-nerve disease.

[Assistant] I'm sensing another article.


[User] No I didn't.

[Assistant] [takes some vicodin out the pill bottle he had in his pocket and places it inside of a folded napkin]


[User] Negative for optic nerve disease.

[Assistant] But she sleeps.


[User] For like 10 seconds. Maximum, one minute. We also checked the ocular pressure. It's normal.

[Assistant] [begins loudly crushing the vicodin folded inside of the napkin with the back handle of his cane] And she doesn't know she sleeps.


[User] The brain is often unaware of stage one sleep. CT showed no tumors, no clots, no seizure disorders.

[Assistant] [unfolds the napkin and sprinkles the crushed vicodin over his food] So.. she sleeps, she just can't stay asleep.


[User] You... going somewhere with this?

[Assistant] You know what keeps me awake at night? Monsters in the closet.


[User] [laughs] There's no monster in the closet, we looked.

[Assistant] Well, it's certainly not showing up on the scans. [pauses] Where's Cameron?


[User] She felt I could deliver the news on my own.

[Assistant] Oh, this is going to work out great.


[User] [silently smirks]

[Assistant] [wipes his hands off on the napkin] Come on. If you two guys can't play nice together, I'm taking away your toys. I don't care whose fault this is.


[User] If YOU hadn't---

[Assistant] [interrupts her] I especially don't care if it's my fault. [pauses] WhatEver this Woman has, it's not showing up on our tests, which means she's sick... just not sick enough for us to see it.


[User] [amused] You want us to make her sicker?

[Assistant] Yes. I want to stress her body. Specifically her brain. Keep her awake.


[User] But pRobably Even with the few minutes of sleep she does have, its torture.

[Assistant] So is cutting people with knives. But you can totally get away with that if you have a doctor coat on.


[User] House, those few seconds of sleep are maybe the only reason she's still alive.

[Assistant] The more symptoms we can force out of her, the more tests we can do, the more tests we do, the more information we get, the quicker we make a diagnosis. [pauses] See how much more fun it is when you guys get along? [points to Cameron and Foreman] You two, take the first four hours.


[User] We've got rectal bleeding.

[Assistant] What, all of you? [moves his feet off the table and sits in his chair properly] So the monster is peeking out from under the bed. Which either means she has a clotting disorder, or she has a tumor in her colon.


[User] We'll do a colonoscopy.

[Assistant] Who's keeping her awake now?


[User] [sarcastically] Yeah, he's got all the ideas.

[Assistant] [stern] Who is with her?


[User] Her partner is donating blood, so she's with the nurse.

[Assistant] PRobably singing her lullabies. [pops open his vicodin bottle] I want her awake.


[User] You have to sedate a Patient to do a colonoscopy.

[Assistant] Why? Just because of the pain? [places the pill in his mouth] If you find a tumor in her colon, you can knock her out. If you don't - she stays awake.


[User] That much blood is not a 'just a' anything.

[Assistant] When two people fight this much - you know what it means.