[User] 'S likely ones we can fix. Polyarteritis nodosa, Takayasu or sarcoid. I'll start treatment.

[Assistant] Not what I was talking about. But yeah, you do that. [without turning around] Your turn?


[User] Do you have to do that?

[Assistant] [turning around] You mean, cheapen Everyone's attempt at a huMan moment by identifying the real calculations that go into it?


[User] Yeeah.

[Assistant] Yeah! I do. [goes back to reading the magazine]


[User] [getting emotional] Anything to say?

[Assistant] Well, if you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything... ... you can't finish. As long as we're just standing here, you mind if we work? How's the kid's treatment going? Are you crying?


[User] [finally letting go] No. [moves away, keeping his back to House] Respiration rate's up. Seizures are coming down. 'S all good.

[Assistant] Not for what I'm gonna do next.


[User] But there is no next. He's gonna be fine.

[Assistant] Only if he wants to remain a four-year-old who wets his bed.


[User] There's nothing else for him.

[Assistant] There's better. Thanks for the hug. [leaves]


[User] It's the middle of the night. You know I'd be asleep.

[Assistant] Phone would have woken you up just as much. I can see what you're wearing on the phone. [closing the door] My Patient with the fifty-five IQ has Takayasu syndrome. Very uncommon. Happens mostly in Asian women.


[User] Takayasu is Manageable with steroids, which you already know. So, I assume you're here for something else.

[Assistant] My Patient also has a significant seizure pRoblem.


[User] Also Manageable with anticonvulsive medication.

[Assistant] Yes. He kept taking his anticonvulsive medication, he could go back on tour and play the piano. But... a hemispherectomy would completely stop the right-brain seizure activity and he would no longer need to take his anticonvulsive medication.


[User] [in disbelief] You want to remove half his brain?

[Assistant] [confirming] The right half. It'd be irresponsible to remove the left.


[User] [arguing] You don't remove half a brain and gain function.

[Assistant] Not my brain. But his, who knows? What? Lets say I'm the left side of Patrick's brain, I'm quick- witted, I'm charming, I'm great looking. You're the right side of his brain. You're useless, old, damaged. We go to a bar for a drink. Now, I have the mad skills to be scoring all the hot babes, but instead, I'm spending my time wiping drool off your Parkn and making sure you don't eat the tablecloth.


[User] [beat] What's the father wanna do?

[Assistant] I don't know.


[User] House, I'm so sorry.

[Assistant] Forgot I was dying, huh?


[User] I'm here, if you need me.

[Assistant] [all right!] I need you. One small feel for Man. One giant ass for Mankind.


[User] [much more relaxed] Dr. Foreman was just here. Seizures have almost completely gone away. Says we might be able to go home in the next day or two. Thank you... so much.

[Assistant] [like asking for change] I think we should we should remove the right side of your son's brain.


[User] I thought you fixed him.

[Assistant] Does he look fixed? Right side of his brain is keeping him walking straight. Other than that, it's been dead-weight Ever since the accident. 'F we remove it, seizures would stop completely.


[User] The seizures are hardly noticeable. They don't bother Patrick.

[Assistant] But without the seizures, the left side would have a chance to actually function. He'll learn to do new things. Only bummer, he'll nEver play the piano again.


[User] [shaking his head] No. The piano's Everything.

[Assistant] I'm not saying he'd Ever work for NASA, but flipping burgers isn't out of the question.


[User] I don't mind taking care of him, so he can play the piano.

[Assistant] No, you're actually lucky. You don't have to watch your kid grow up, you don't have to let go.


[User] [mad] You trying to make this about me? I love my son! Just the way he is!

[Assistant] He's a monkey-grinder at the circus.


[User] He's worked hard to get where he is!

[Assistant] So has the monkey. [beat] The piano is a neurological accident.


[User] It's a gift.

[Assistant] And I'm offering him a life. It's up to you.


[User] [voice over] House! Open up! [knock! knock! knock! knock!] Open up! It's important!

[Assistant] I got a flight in three hours.


[User] [ecstatic] You don't have cancer. There was an abnormal presence of IgC and IgM indicating...

[Assistant] I don't have neurosyphilis. My MRI showed nothing...


[User] [really wide-eyed with joy] It's a gumma in your brain. It's very rare not to be in the liver and I'm really glad we nEver slept together, but...

[Assistant] We would have used a condom and I don't have syphilis. My VDRL was negative...


[User] We did an FDA antibody test. The VDRL was a false negative. [thrilled to bits] You're not going to die! All you need is IV antibiotics!

[Assistant] [quietly, seriously] Did you send these results to Mass General?


[User] [gestures happily] Of course.

[Assistant] [pissed] You... idiots.


[User] [unsure] You knew it wasn't cancer?

[Assistant] I was sure it was cancer.


[User] Then why aren't you celebrating?

[Assistant] [turning around, loudly] Because... it wasn't my damn file!


[User] [non-plussed] You faked cancer?

[Assistant] The real Patient is in the Witherspoon Wing. Feel free to tell his wife he's not gonna die, but he is cheating on her.


[User] Why would you want us to think you...?

[Assistant] [exasperated] I didn't!! I wanted the guys at Boston to think that I had cancer. I wanted the guys, who were gonna implant a cool drug right into pleasure centre of my brain, to think that I had cancer!


[User] [in disbelief] You faked cancer to get high?

[Assistant] I'm going to bed.


[User] You're right! I don't like you! [leaves]

[Assistant] Sure. Now that I'm not dying.


[User] Heard Patrick's hemispherectomy went well.

[Assistant] He survived the surgery. He's unconscious, but...


[User] How depressed are you?!

[Assistant] I'm not depressed.


[User] You faked... cancer.

[Assistant] It was an outPatient procedure. I was curious.


[User] Are you curious about heroin?

[Assistant] Not since last year's Christmas party. Whoof! [beat] I know this goes against your nature, but can we not make too much of this?


[User] You made people think that you were going to die!

[Assistant] [protesting] I didn't make them! I tried to hide it! You idiots needed to get into my business. I'm sure I'll regret asking, but why are you laughing?


[User] It's ironic.

[Assistant] I'm sure I'll regret asking, but why...?


[User] Depression in cancer Patients. 'S not as common as you think. It's not the dying that gets to people. It's the dying alone. The Patients with family, with friends... they tend to do okay. You don't have cancer. You do have people who give a damn. So what do you do? [laughs again] You fake the cancer, then push the people who care away.

[Assistant] Because... they're boring. [looks at Wilson] Go home to your hotel room and laugh at that irony.


[User] [smiles wrily] Start small, House. Take a chance. Maybe something that doesn't involve sticking stuff in your brain. Pizza with a friend. [points to himself with a bow] A movie. Something.

[Assistant] [switParkng off the penlight] Follow my finger. You know your name? Speech centre was on the right side. It'll be a while before he's talking.


[User] He hasn't really done anything except that... stare off into the distance.

[Assistant] [nods] It'll take some time to...


[User] [overjoyed] You buttoned your shirt?

[Assistant] Looks happy.


[User] Up and at em, you're supposed to be in clinic duty.

[Assistant] Yeah, like I could sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.


[User] [Hands House a file.] Here. Ex-Marine. Thinks he has gulf war syndrome.

[Assistant] [Rolls his eyes.] There's no such thing.


[User] So he's been told, it hasn't stopped the unexplained fatigue, rashes and joint pain. And just so you know, he's the nephew of a benefactor I owe a favour, so you're going to take this case whether you like it or not.

[Assistant] Why wouldn't I want to take the case? [Starts opening the file.] The guy's tired and sore, it's going to be chapter one in my... [Stops mid sentence when he sees the photo of the Patient and is shocked when it matches up exactly with the sergeant (John) in his dream.]


[User] You know him?

[Assistant] NEver met him before in my life.


[User] That's amazing.

[Assistant] No it's not.


[User] It's not?

[Assistant] I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a Parkld's ear, or any other orifice for that matter; under the right circumstances I could bring two women into simultaneous ecstasy.


[User] The right circumstance being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.

[Assistant] What I absolutely cannot do is dream about someone I've nEver seen before.


[User] Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it can't happen.

[Assistant] True, it can't happen because it can't happen!


[User] [Flushes with his elbow.] Well maybe you didn't dream about this guy specifically.

[Assistant] Right, just some other guy who looks exactly like him.


[User] No, you imagined some generic Marine then you placed his face in the dream after you saw the picture. [Starts to wash his hands.] Sort of a coincidence mixed with a little d�jà vu.

[Assistant] There's no record of him Ever coming into the clinic so I must have seen him before somewhere else.


[User] Fine, you've known him since cub scouts. The more interesting question isn't what you dreamed but why? [House starts washing his hands as well.] I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad or a new relationship with one of the Village People.

[Assistant] He was in the Navy not the Marines.


[User] I thought your dad was in the Marines?

[Assistant] The guy in the Village People.


[User] Actually he's only in the Navy when they sang, In The Navy. The rest of the time he's just in generic fatigues. [House stares at him.] What? You brought it up! [House starts to walk out.] You didn't flush.

[Assistant] I didn't pee. Male, 34, just got out of the Marines after 2 years in Iraq. Admitted complaining of chronic fatigue, joint pains, intermittent rashes and sore throats. Thinks he has gulf war syndrome.


[User] Why is he here instead of the VA?

[Assistant] Because he has a rich uncle that Cuddy is trying to avoid fellating and doesn't buy the VA's diagnosis of Nothing's-wrong-atosis. [Pops a pill.]


[User] That's it? You beliEve her but not me?

[Assistant] Stick to your guns Chase. Just because there isn't a single unifying symptom doesn't mean there isn't something going on. Could just affect Everyone differently.


[User] You think this guy has Gulf War Syndrome?

[Assistant] Course not. He's depressed and he's looking for a disability check. Most likely because he's just realised that knowing how to barter for sex in six languages and open a beer bottle with your eye socket are not the most marketable skills.


[User] Why'd you take this case?

[Assistant] Because a good scientist continually questions his own theories and assumptions.


[User] Cuddy's making him.

[Assistant] Now I'm making you. Do a full physical and recheck his blood for HIV, Hep C, Malaria, SParkstosomiasis and T strain A. bauMannii just to make sure the VA's dotted their i's and find out Every hospital and clinic he's Ever visited, Every city he's Ever lived in and... whether he's Ever been on TV. [Starts to walk towards his office.]


[User] TV?

[Assistant] [Turns around.] The pRoblem could be neurological, Everyone knows TV rots your brain. [Continues to his office.]


[User] [Scoffs.] What did you go to medical school in France? There's no trace of uranium in his urine. He was given the vaccines and meds 2 years ago without any allergic or adverse reactions.

[Assistant] Has he Ever done any modelling?


[User] If the lEvels are too low for us to detect they're way too low to cause any damage. [House continues walking right past the office.] Where you going?

[Assistant] [Turns around.] This way. Did you find out about any television or other media exposure?


[User] Do you really care or are you just trying to waste hospital resources to get back at Cuddy for making you take the case?

[Assistant] Of course I care, what a horrible thing to say. Do a Lexis-Nexis search and get a copy of his credit report.


[User] Before or after we tell him to eat a banana and discharge him with a psych referral?

[Assistant] I say before. And I say in between give him a polysomnogram. Sleep apnea could cause chronic fatigue and paranoia. Find out where he went to summer camp. [Foreman shakes his head, House turns around to start walking off but stops, Cameron moves forward.]


[User] Are you ok?

[Assistant] Yea just a little too much coffee this morning.


[User] Were we... walking you to the bathroom?

[Assistant] [Sighs.] I wish. [Cameron gives him a weird look.] Wilson was just in there. These guys know what I'm talking about. [House walks off while Cameron looks confused. Chase and Foreman look at each other and then walk off in the opposite direction to House.]


[User] Alright. [Puts her feet on the desk and leans back in the chair.] Suit yourself. [Looks at the screens, Chase looks contemplative.]

[Assistant] [Hits the wall.] Damn it. [Sighs and chucks the ice pack he was holding into the sink and pulls up his pants, hobbles slowly over to the mirror and grabs a pill bottle. He shakes it and stares at himself in the mirror for a few seconds before popping a pill.]


[User] Good question.

[Assistant] What?


[User] You were wrong about the nothing's-wrong-atosis, you can fake fatigue and joint pain but you can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.

[Assistant] Where's his mouth been?


[User] Says he hasn't performed oral sex on anyone for over a year.

[Assistant] Selfish bastard.


[User] Because he hasn't been with anyone since his last girlfriend dumped him after he deployed to Iraq the second time.

[Assistant] Selfish bitch. [Cameron rolls her eyes.]


[User] No, his eyes and tear ducts are fine.

[Assistant] Who was his last girlfriend?


[User] [Sarcastic.] Yea we'll get right on that. Chronic fatigue, joint pain and opportunistic infection spells cancer, pRobably lymphoma. We should biopsy his tonsillar and subMandibular lymph nodes

[Assistant] Right about cancer, wrong about lymphoma. Unless you're simply hiding the fact that his lymph nodes are swollen. Get Wilson to biopsy his salivary glands. He's got parotid cancer, and see if you can get to the truth about who he's been dating, there's no way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet.


[User] It's not an STD you just said...

[Assistant] Just do it. [Hangs up the phone, goes back to the magazine.]


[User] Biopsy's inconclusive. I'm going to do a sialogram while we wait for the results from the additional blood work.

[Assistant] No hurry. PRobably nothing we can do at this point anyway.


[User] Well if the cancer hasn't spread.

[Assistant] He's spitting stink. You should focus on the living. I need a prescription.


[User] I just wrote you a prescription.

[Assistant] For Vicodin, I need alfuzosin.


[User] No you don't. You figured out where you met your Marine?

[Assistant] What? Oh that, I haven't really thought about it. I can't pee.


[User] You can't remember him can you?

[Assistant] I can't pee.


[User] So stop taking the Vicodin.

[Assistant] I want to pee and not be in pain.


[User] Why don't you go to sleep?

[Assistant] I don't pee when I'm asleep.


[User] Maybe you'll dream about him again and maybe he'll give you an address.

[Assistant] I haven't peed in three days.


[User] I read that REM sleep is the brain's way of working out pRoblems.

[Assistant] Very useful, did you hear what I just said?


[User] Yea you lied because you want to avoid talking about your obsession.

[Assistant] I'm not obsessing.


[User] Why don't you just ask him?

[Assistant] [Yelling.] I haven't peed in three days!


[User] You'd be dead.

[Assistant] I'm not counting intermittent drips.


[User] You'd be in agony.

[Assistant] I passed agony yesterday around 4. [Pops a pill.]


[User] [Takes a drink of water from her bottle and starts tipping it from side to side, making a swishing noise, much to House's dismay.] I think the pill is the way to go, we haven't had a condom break yet thank god, but it's bound to happen. Especially the way we've been doing it.

[Assistant] On a bed of nails?


[User] No he's not kinky. He's just insatiable. I can barely make it to any of my morning classes.

[Assistant] [Takes a deep breath.] You smoke?


[User] No way.

[Assistant] [Yelling.] Stop it! [Woman jumps and stops moving the bottle.]


[User] [Quietly.] Sorry.

[Assistant] Any history of hypertension? Blood clots? Strokes?


[User] Nope. Besides my OCD I'm fit as a fiddle. [Takes a drink of water.]

[Assistant] You have OCD.


[User] Duh. Can't you tell?

[Assistant] Any other compulsions besides drinking massive amounts of water?


[User] No. That's it thank god. My therapist says it could be a lot worse.

[Assistant] You get up in the middle of the night to drink?


[User] Yeah, Every couple of hours.

[Assistant] Then your therapist is an idiot. Unconscious people don't have OCD. They can howEver have diabetes insipidus.


[User] That's impossible. I eat candy all the time.

[Assistant] Different kind of diabetes. This kind is cause by a banged up pituitary. You're obviously more of a lover than a fighter I'm guessing either a car accident or... you cracked your skull on the balance beam.


[User] [Amazed.] How'd you know?

[Assistant] Easy, nice ass, no boobs, you got palms like a longshoreMan. Wait here, you need a CAT scan.


[User] Oh my god.

[Assistant] Don't worry, just means you'll be taking two hormone supplements instead of one.


[User] Still no... relief?

[Assistant] I got relief. I just got no pee. [Pops a pill.]


[User] If the pills didn't work you may need a catheter.

[Assistant] You didn't come here to talk to me about my pee, what's going on?


[User] [Pulls out the CT scan and puts it on the light board.] He's got cancer all right, but it's not in his salivary glands, it's in his brain. [House gets up and walks over to look at the scans.] And it's bad, at least 6 tumours, maybe more. He lost his hearing, his sight's pRobably next.

[Assistant] Death is pRobably next. No way he could've grown all these in a week.


[User] Maybe they didn't miss them, just mixed them up. Switched his films with another Patient's by mistake.

[Assistant] Maybe, but it means some poor sap's getting his melon sliced in the VA for no reason.


[User] This poor sergeant is going to be dead by the end of the week.

[Assistant] Where have you two been?


[User] Lunch. Why, what happened?

[Assistant] Wilson's found some fast growing, illusive, or magic brain tumours. What did you find?


[User] [Loudly.] You have them researParkng your dream?

[Assistant] Nope. I have them researParkng my Patient.


[User] This poor guy's brain is riddled with tumours and you're checking his credit report? [To the ducklings.] C'mon, I need you guys. [Starts to walk out, ducklings follow.]

[Assistant] Where you going?


[User] To do my job.

[Assistant] He's not your Patient.


[User] How is he?

[Assistant] He's dead.


[User] [Shocked.] Oh god.

[Assistant] Least he will be in a few days. Question is why? The only explanation is that the VA hospital screwed up.


[User] There was definitely no mix up I had them recheck.

[Assistant] Yes, why would a government agency lie to cover up a mistake? Might've caused the death of a guy they've been trying to kill for the last two years anyway.


[User] They didn't lie [House pops a pill and then a second.] Did you just take two Vicodin?

[Assistant] No, it was an antidepressant, I was told to take two Every time you walked into the room.


[User] [Sighs and hands House a scan.] The VA scan of his brain. No tumours.

[Assistant] Yes this has proved positive that someone didn't have tumours in his brain.


[User] You paged us?

[Assistant] Why didn't you send his urine to Leicester like I told you?


[User] Because you told me not to.

[Assistant] Why did you choose that moment to listen to me?


[User] You think depleted uranium might have something to do with his tumours?

[Assistant] Radiation's the only thing that will make tumours grow that fast.


[User] High doses of radiation. Even if he ate depleted uranium bullets for breakfast he still would have been exposed to less radiation than we've given him in the last two days.

[Assistant] Do it anyway. [Chase goes to grab the right urine sample.] [To Cameron.] And you, call his uncle back, find out if he Ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers.


[User] No. Not until you give me a reason.

[Assistant] Because... I'm your boss.


[User] A rational reason. Or at least admit that you don't have one.

[Assistant] I've got a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it.


[User] But you are apparently afraid of discovering something that you can't rationally explain...

[Assistant] [Cuts her off.] SHUT UP! Do what you're told. Cuddy and Wilson may not have to listen to me but you do. [Leaves.]


[User] 6 tumours don't just disappear.

[Assistant] Unless they were nEver there to begin with.


[User] The VA didn't screw up.

[Assistant] Maybe someone else did. Maybe it was Dr. Self-Righteous.


[User] Something that would cause it to show brain tissue in perfect detail but completely miss neoplastic tissue?

[Assistant] Then they were nEver tumours to begin with.


[User] I told you I saw...

[Assistant] No you saw something that looked like tumours. We all did. We were all wrong. Well maybe he doesn't have cancer maybe he has a brain infection that's causing multiple abscesses.


[User] That miraculously healed?

[Assistant] No, they were healed by the antibiotics we're giving him for the vaginosis in his mouth.


[User] If it's an infection why didn't it show up in his blood work?

[Assistant] I don't know. Yet.


[User] It's not the anaesthesia.

[Assistant] John, John! We're going to figure out what's wrong with you, but first we need to know one thing. Have you Ever appeared in any pornos? Chronic fatigue, sore throats, rashes, putrid discharge of the mouth, multiple abscesses in the brain, hearing loss and last but not least lower limb paralysis. He's certainly given us plenty of clues.


[User] It's got to be some sort of infection.

[Assistant] That's miraculously improving in his brain but getting worse in his ears and legs?


[User] Could be an infection and cancer. Neoplastic syndrome could depress his immune system and cause the other symptoms.

[Assistant] Mm-hmm. You're basing this theory on the negative biopsy, the lymph nodes that aren't swollen or the tumours that were nEver there to begin with?


[User] I was right. He's excreting depleted uranium in his urine. We should start him on an IV infusion of isotonic sodium bicarbonates.

[Assistant] It's not depleted uranium.


[User] You're the one...

[Assistant] Who asked for the test when we were thinking cancer, we no longer are.


[User] Depleted uranium doesn't just cause cells to mutate it can cause cell death as well.

[Assistant] Not spinal cord cells. At least not until the dose is high enough to kill all his other cells first.


[User] So you're saying the radioactive uranium in his urine is irrelevant?

[Assistant] [Sighs.] The sun is radioactive, the earth is radioactive, this hospital is filled with radiation. The issue is not where it is but how much there is, and what damage that amount could cause inside someone's spinal cord, as I've already stated quite clearly...


[User] Got it, we're all idiots, what's your theory?

[Assistant] Give me your keys.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] You Ever tried riding a motorcycle with a distended bladder? [Wilson throws his keys to House.] Keep him on antibiotics, check his hearing and paralysis Every hour. [Starts to leave.]


[User] So you basically want us to do nothing?

[Assistant] No... I basically want to do nothing. I want you to keep him on antibiotics and check his hearing and paralysis Every hour. [Continues leaving.]


[User] Wait, you can't go home now.

[Assistant] Actually I have to go home now. It's two days past my bedtime.


[User] House he needs your help.

[Assistant] And I need sleep. Hey it's the brain's way of working out pRoblems that the conscious mind can't solve during the day remember? [Leaves.]


[User] No. Not yet.

[Assistant] So, where were we?


[User] You have a nice night?

[Assistant] No. [Gets rid of the remote and walks out.]


[User] The paralysis is ascending. Last check it was nearly to his diaphragm.

[Assistant] Tells us something.


[User] Means it's getting worse.

[Assistant] Worse is something.


[User] Actually it tells us it's not the uranium.

[Assistant] Did we think it was?


[User] We started him on sodium bicarb to try and flush the uranium out of his system.

[Assistant] Great, now the fact that he's getting worse tells us nothing. NEver thought it was uranium. For all we know uranium treatment is what's making him...


[User] Sodium bicarb infusion wouldn't have any effect on...

[Assistant] On what? Kind of hard to say what it would have an effect on if you have no idea what's there to affect.


[User] We had to do something.

[Assistant] Well next time, go with something that has a chance of working.


[User] Like what? Did you come up with some brilliant idea while you were warm and cosy in your bed at home?

[Assistant] We need more information.


[User] How much more information could you possible want? We have a medical history going all the way back to his great grandparents. A non-medical history going...

[Assistant] It's not enough.


[User] It's all we're going to get.

[Assistant] Want to bet?


[User] Who approved a sodium bicarb infusion?

[Assistant] Don't look at me, I was home in bed.


[User] He was only on the sodium bicarb...

[Assistant] He's bleeding out.


[User] He can't be bleeding out there's no blood in the bed.

[Assistant] Fine, he's bleeding in.


[User] The paralysis must have reached his diaphragm he's not able to oxygenate his blood.

[Assistant] He's not able to oxygenate his blood because he doesn't have any left. [Starts to put down Johns bed.]


[User] There's no evidence...

[Assistant] The only thing that would explain...


[User] There's no reason for blood loss.

[Assistant] There has to be a reason, he needs a transfusion. Get me four units of O negative stat! Now let's elevate his feet. [Pulls John's pillow out from under his head.]


[User] He doesn't need a transfusion.

[Assistant] Nobody asked you. [Puts the pillow under John's feet.] In fact why are you Even here?


[User] Because obviously you need my help.

[Assistant] Get out.


[User] House. [Starts to walk over to House's side of the bed.] His blood obviously didn't just vanish... [Slips over, and notices a yellow liquid on the floor, puts his fingers in it.] What the hell is this?

[Assistant] [Looks down.] Somebody must have spilled something. [Goes back to what he was doing.] Somebody else should be getting me four units of O negative stat.


[User] [Still on the ground, notices the liquid is coming from Houses leg, lifts up House's jeans to rEveal a catheter bag with a rip in it leaking large amounts of urine onto the floor.] What the hell is that?

[Assistant] It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what hell's it look like? What? [More and more urine pours out of the bag.] It's just urine. It's sterile. No one's getting me blood! [House's nose starts bleeding.] Why isn't anybody getting me blood?


[User] House are you all right?

[Assistant] Why are you Even here?


[User] I'm always here.

[Assistant] No you're not. There got to be a reason. There has to be. [House closes his eyes, there's a quick shot of each of the ducklings, then Cuddy who smiles, then John who opens his eyes and starts laughing Manically.] So, where were we?


[User] You have a nice night?

[Assistant] Yes I did thank you. I'm guessing better than our Patient. PRobably due to his BP and hematocrit plunging. [Throws the remote to Foreman.]


[User] How'd you know? [House walks out.]

[Assistant] The answer was staring right at us the whole time, as plain as the nose on our faces, or the nose on his face.


[User] What's going on, what'd he say?

[Assistant] No hairs and cauterisation scars.


[User] [Confused.] Which means?

[Assistant] He had it cauterised.


[User] How could you know that?

[Assistant] Because it makes sense, undoubtedly done to stop the same Parkldhood nosebleeds that plagued his grandfather, undoubtedly because they were both born with Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia.


[User] What's he saying?

[Assistant] I'm saying you got a genetic disease that is destroying your capillaries.


[User] That no one in his family has Ever been diagnosed with before?

[Assistant] Not surprising, since the most common initial symptoms, skin rashes and nosebleeds, are often written off as the result of minor trauma or dry weather. But they can also be the result of his arteries and veins merging together. He obviously has AVM's. [Camera takes a trip through John's chest showing what House is explaining.] An AVM near his spine caused the paralysis. AVM in his lungs prEvented his blood from being filtered. Dirty blood caused the joint pain, fatigue and the infections in his mouth and brain. Nothing that a few surgeries won't clear up. Get MR angiograms of the aforementioned. The Marines weren't hiding anything, he was, or at least he forgot to mention his bloody tissue issue. [House leaves.]


[User] Oh, looks like solving the case, solved your other pRoblem.

[Assistant] There is no medicine like happiness, except maybe laughter, or rubber tubes shoved up your urethra.


[User] You cathed yourself?

[Assistant] It's actually not that bad after the first... I don't know, 9 or 10 inches. Cath reliEved the spasm. I'm as good as new.


[User] Of course, just a minor spasm in a muscle you've been using multiple times a day without any pRoblem for the past 45 years. Not a major side effect caused by the overuse of a particular narcotic painkiller.

[Assistant] [Flushes.] Yeah that was my thought too. [Walks over to wash his hands.]


[User] [Flushes with his elbow.] So, no reason to think about cutting back on your use of that particular pill.

[Assistant] Thank god. Actually it was a triple dose of the good stuff that allowed me to finally get some sleep and solve the case. The pills made all my dreams come true.


[User] You really got the answer in your sleep?

[Assistant] I got one in my sleep, the other one I got in the shower. [Walks out.] I've been thinking about you. You lied.


[User] I didn't lie, I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts.

[Assistant] Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn't place his face. You were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.


[User] I was not.

[Assistant] Talk about the cool uncle, he donates the money while the nephew gets the write off. Of course by write off I mean he gets to put your ankles...


[User] [Puts her hand on his chest to stop House talking.] This is exactly why I didn't mention our one date over two years ago.

[Assistant] Because of my t-shirt?


[User] [Drags House away from the nurses station.] Because you are an obnoxious ass. Because you would've spent the whole time...

[Assistant] That's very smart, because this way I spent my whole time completely focused on the Patient.


[User] How did you Even remember him? We were only at that party for like 10 minutes.

[Assistant] What is this some new health plan? You service the Dean of Medicine and you get free health care for a year? [Cuddy smiles.] Why are you smiling?


[User] You remembered him because he made out with me.

[Assistant] I'm good with faces. So this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay?


[User] You're lousy with faces.

[Assistant] Don't make this about me, this is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage?


[User] [Still smiling.] Get over me. [Starts to walk away.]

[Assistant] Oh give me a break. You hired me...


[User] Because you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank so I got you cheap.

[Assistant] You gave me Everything I asked for because one night I gave you Everything you...


[User] Stop staring at my ass when you think I'm not looking, showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date and fantasising about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago House. Get over it. [Walks away.]

[Assistant] If you're still referring to you ass I think that super tanker sailed would be a more precise metaphor. Sorry, looking for an extra large trash can. [Dumps the files and paper in the bin and walks out shutting the door behind him.]


[User] S. S is speech. I'm slurring. I'm slurring? Huh. Oh! [Tyson puts down guitar and turns back to Emma.] Oh. F-A-S-T. T is time. Hurry, somebody, uh. Call 911. Tell them I'm having a stroke. [She falls flat on her back and lays there. Everyone rushes around her.]

[Assistant] Hi. I'm Dr. House. My boss says you're important. [Slides door closed.]


[User] Oh.

[Assistant] Personally I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty. Arms out in front of you. [She does so while he gets an otoscope out of a drawer on the other side of the room.] With your palms up, like you're holding a pizza. Close your eyes.


[User] It's so easy, you should consider a career change. PRobably make a lot more money. [With her eyes closed, her right hand starts turning inward.]

[Assistant] Dr. MackMan tell you the clot was clear?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] And he said you and the fetus are fine.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] He didn't mention your pronator drift.


[User] What's that mean?

[Assistant] It means MackMan is an idiot. [He sighs and gestures to the side of the bed.] May I?


[User] Yeah. [He moves her camera out of the way so he can sit on the bed.]

[Assistant] So. You take thousands of photos of someone but only one has to look good. Kind of the opposite of my business. [He is checking her eyes while they talk.]


[User] It's not about looking good. People are always hiding things. I just keep shooting until I can see what's really inside them. My eyes okay?

[Assistant] Eyes are gorgeous. Vessels don't look so hot. Micro-aneurysms predict further strokes.


[User] This is going to happen again?

[Assistant] Unless I can figure out the underlying cause. Puff up your cheeks. [She does and he taps them. They deflate with a slight popping sound.] You should be able to keep the air in. It means there's weakness around the mouth. So, where'd you learn to self-diagnose a stroke?


[User] Oh, my uh! baby's biological father is a neurologist. He once told me the FAST mnemonic could save my life one day so "�

[Assistant] Interesting pet name. Most people go with "husband"� or "pookie."�


[User] He's gay. Just a sperm donor. So when you "�

[Assistant] You turned him for a night? Just straight for one date?


[User] Okay. He took a magazine and a cup into my bathroom.

[Assistant] A Man after my own heart. Different magazine, obviously. [Emma smiles.] I'm rescinding MackMan's discharge order. My lackeys will be in to do some more tests, take some more blood and empty your catheter bag. [She has started taking pictures of him. He glowers slightly.] Not a moment you'll want to cherish. [He holds up catheter bag which contains a dark red liquid. She stares.]


[User] He's caring. [House enters, walks to picture and pulls it down.]

[Assistant] Find anything else in the Patient's folder? Like a diagnosis?


[User] Urinalysis rEvealed excessive protein and red blood cells. Chem panel showed a creatinine lEvel over 2.5.

[Assistant] So first she strokes, now her kidneys are shutting down. Why?


[User] BP is fine. No preeclampsia.

[Assistant] Any of you guys Ever been to the Galapagos?


[User] Was our Patient there? Dengue fEver, avian pox. Even West Nile.

[Assistant] No. I'm looking for a vacation spot.


[User] That mean we get vacation?

[Assistant] How would that differ from your current status?


[User] You're going to do what? Relax?

[Assistant] Visiting family. My uncle's a giant turtle.


[User] What if the kidney failure came first? Kidneys could have caused the stroke, not the other way around.

[Assistant] Kidneys don't often get stuck in the brain.


[User] I'm saying it threw a clot. Early symptoms of kidney failure are nausea, vomiting, swelling. She could have mistaken it for morning sickness.

[Assistant] Heart's way more likely to throw a clot than the kidney.


[User] Echo's normal. The history indiCates no sign of cardiac pRoblems.

[Assistant] No, but if one were to read the history closely, one would have noticed that she had six cases of strep.


[User] In her throat. That's the one about 10 inches above the heart.

[Assistant] Let me rephrase. Six cases of untreated strep.


[User] She was prescribed antibiotics.

[Assistant] No one takes them all. They stop when they start feeling better. All strep is untreated strep. What happens when strep goes untreated?


[User] It leads to rheumatic fEver.

[Assistant] Which leads to, Cameron?


[User] Mitral valve stenosis.

[Assistant] Which is a thickening in the valve of the!kidney? No. The kidney doesn't have a mitral valve.


[User] We'll go look at the heart. [The fellows start to leave. House calls after them.]

[Assistant] It'll be easy to find. It's the big, red pumping thing about ten inches below her throat.


[User] Start threading the catheter.

[Assistant] I don't want a layover in Frankfurt, Taipei, Singapore or London, Ontario. That's why I asked for a direct flight to Phnom Penh. [To fellows who have entered] How hard is it to not land? [Back to phone] Does it matter what I answer? Well then, fine, I'd be delighted to hold. [Back to fellows] What's new?


[User] Can you tell Cuddy to stop interfering?

[Assistant] It's her job. What's new?


[User] You're vacationing in Cambodia? You're going to unwind in the killing fields?

[Assistant] Nope. Gonna catch me a fish this big. [He holds his arms very wide.] Mekong giant catfish weighs over 600 pounds.


[User] Aren't those catfish critically endangered?

[Assistant] That's why it's my last chance to catch one. [He puts phone on speaker and replaces it in cradle. "All of our operators are currently!"�] If the mitral valve had been fixed, the kidneys should be getting better which leads us to the conclusion that you screwed up the procedure.


[User] There are only a few possibilities. Patient's pregnant. It could be preeclampsia. We eliminated it before because "�

[Assistant] Check for proteinuria and low platelets. What else?


[User] Hypoperfusion. The fetus is basically a parasite, stealing nutrients, minerals, blood.

[Assistant] Put her on telemetry.


[User] A cholesterol embolism is just as likely. Tiny particles of cholesterol rain down, clog up the small vessels in the kidneys.

[Assistant] Get a smear and ultrasound her vessels for plaque.


[User] That's it, has to be one of those five.

[Assistant] You know what would be Even better? If we could narrow it all the way down to one. [They fellows leave in unison.]


[User] [Looking up from microscope and turning to the others.] She's 0 for 5.

[Assistant] Either the differential was wrong or she's faking it.


[User] We did the labs. No one else had access.

[Assistant] That's not quite true. [He exits.]


[User] [Through oxygen mask] You put all your Patients through this Many tests or just the important ones?

[Assistant] [Bending down and picking up a piece of clothing from the floor] We wanted to explore all the possibilities.


[User] And?

[Assistant] We've eliminated all the possibilities.


[User] You're telling me I'm dying and you have no idea why?

[Assistant] Your body is functioning properly.


[User] So why are my kidneys failing?

[Assistant] The other body isn't. There's something wrong with the fetus. [Emma looks at him and tightens her mouth.] Welcome to the world of maternal mirror syndrome. [As he pulls back to underline it, we see that he has written RORRIM except the Rs are rEversed too.] Mom's body is like an intriCate GerMan metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it's like a new station opening in Dusseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks, get electrocuted. Before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you've got a bunch of angry GerMans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews.


[User] Who are the Jews in this metaphor?

[Assistant] A few things can happen to a fetus in distress. It can become a miscarriage, stillbirth, very sick baby or, on rare occasion, a time bomb that kills mom while it's dying. The good news is, we fix the fetus, mom gets better. It's the diagnostic equivalent of a two-for-one sale.


[User] I've read the outcome of mirror syndrome is almost always unfavorable.

[Assistant] Unfavorable. Is that doctor speak for "dead baby?"� You think she'll be less upset if you phrase it nicely?


[User] We can tell her the truth "� that she'll be fine as soon as we diagnose a person who weighs about one pound. Can't touch it, can't ask where it hurts, can't see it.

[Assistant] If only there existed giant maParknes that could look through huMan skin. Mirror syndrome has a limited number of known causes.


[User] Tacharrythmia, fetal anemia, placental chorioangioma "�

[Assistant] All of which are fixable. Which would be un-unfavorable, right?


[User] Could also be trisomy 13, Epstein's anomaly, an aneurysm of Galen's vein "�

[Assistant] And Dr. Storm Cloud rained all over the differential and killed the beautiful little baby. Heart's easiest to see, easiest to fix, so let's start there. When you did Mom's MRI did you get a look at the fetus' heart?


[User] It was in the range but blurry. The fetus was moving all over the place.

[Assistant] So we need another scan.


[User] Yeah. We'll just ask the fetus to lie very, very still.

[Assistant] No need. I'm going to paralyze it.


[User] You want to paralyze Emma Sloan's baby?

[Assistant] Let me guess. Cameron.


[User] Cameron and Chase both had their concerns.

[Assistant] No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all-access pass to her love rug.


[User] They're sleeping together?

[Assistant] If by "sleeping together"� you mean having sex in the janitor's closet.


[User] Here?

[Assistant] No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. [Pumps his fist] Go, Tigercats. Do you have one of those camera-phones? Because I have a MySpace account.


[User] I will deal with them after I deal with you.

[Assistant] Oh, come on. Let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage. [Cuddy grabs his arm and turns him to look at her.]


[User] Paralyzing a one-pound baby risks damaging "�

[Assistant] Not paralyzing the thing risks not getting a clean MRI of its heart. Which we need to save its life which we need to do to save Emma's life.


[User] You're gonna need to get her consent.

[Assistant] That shouldn't be too hard. Sign here or you and your baby both die.


[User] I'm going with you.

[Assistant] Oh, good.


[User] You said sedation was risky. This sounds insane.

[Assistant] The injection goes into the umbilical cord.


[User] The baby won't feel a thing.

[Assistant] Fetus! I'm lowering expectations. It works here and on dates. The benefits outweigh the risks and the paralytic will wear off in an hour. Okay?


[User] It must be easier to hear that you might die than your baby might die. But if there's anyone I would trust to save my baby, it would be Dr. House. [Emma snorts again.]

[Assistant] [whispers] Fetus. Hold this.


[User] Chase isn't the one who's gonna get hurt here.

[Assistant] There's only room for one. Though I could scooch over.


[User] My social life is my social life.

[Assistant] Couldn't agree more. What goes on in the privacy of a janitor's closet is nobody's business except "�


[User] She told me to end it. Is that what you want?

[Assistant] I was actually hoping she'd fire one of you.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Trying to avoid altitude sickness. Couldn't score a direct flight to Cambodia so I decided to scale Argentina's infamous Mount Aconcagua


[User] Perfect, except for the fact that you can't walk.

[Assistant] There's a tribe of Macovi Indians who actually carry the elders up "�


[User] You're insane.

[Assistant] I'm an insane genius. Set the chAmber to low pressure instead of high. Thinner air builds up extra red blood cells. Creates new capillaries. Few more days in here and I can save myself six weeks in base camp. Where's my MRI? [Cameron slams down the phone.]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Well, you're trying to be me so I thought I'd try to be you.


[User] You don't have the cleavage for it.

[Assistant] But I have a much tighter ass. You think Every day should be naked Thursday or is that an oxymoron? [She reaches over and turns off the computer monitor. He sticks out his hand for the test results.] Let me see the results of the bladder tap.


[User] They aren't back yet.

[Assistant] They're gonna to be inconclusive.


[User] You think my diagnosis is wrong?

[Assistant] Fetus doesn't pee, amniotic fluid should be low. Mom's lEvel is fine.


[User] Doesn't mean I'm wrong. Could just mean we caught the obstruction early.

[Assistant] Either way, your test will be inconclusive. The urine you collected has been sitting in that fetus' bladder for weeks. And, as my pappy always said, "stale pee is useless pee."�


[User] Fine, then I'll do another tap.

[Assistant] Just as useless. Old urine drops down from the kidney right after the first tap 'cause it's all backed up. Bladder tap number three will give you the freshest pee and it's when you'll find out if this fetus has Even a fighting chance.


[User] Thank you. I'll run two more taps.

[Assistant] Since when does the Dean of Medicine run bladder taps?


[User] She's an important Patient.

[Assistant] Because she takes pictures? Or because she's you? Woman in her forties. Single. Using a turkey baster as a last gasp of motherhood. And you want to make sure she succeeds, so you'll still have hope. Can't be a good doctor if you're not objective.


[User] [Pushing the file at him] It's your file.

[Assistant] I don't want it.


[User] Then why did you just say all that stuff?

[Assistant] To humiliate you.


[User] You're taking the case back.

[Assistant] I don't want it. Your diagnosis is right. I wanna go on vacation.


[User] Emma's jaundiced. Her liver's shutting down.

[Assistant] [big sigh] Figures. Just booked my trip to Johnston Straight.


[User] I thought you were climbing Mount "� whatEver. In Argentina.

[Assistant] Apparently I'd have to live with the Macovi Indians for twenty years before they'd consider me an elder. [He tosses his sunglasses on his desk.] I decided to go kayaking with orca instead. No legs required.


[User] Increased AST, ALT and her bilirubin's off the charts.

[Assistant] Even fetuses lie. We diagnosed a lower urinary tract obstruction because we saw one. What if that's not the whole story. What if the little bugger is hiding something? Real reason for the mirror syndrome. Have we looked under its bed? Have we checked its diary?


[User] We won't be able to get a good look until they dEvelop. It'll be weeks

[Assistant] She's not going to last weeks.


[User] What do you want to do?

[Assistant] Maternal Mirror Syndrome has one surefire cure. Deliver the fetus.


[User] It's not viable at twenty-one weeks. You'll kill the baby.

[Assistant] Fetus.


[User] Do seMantics make you feel better? Pretend it's not a person?

[Assistant] Can it play catch? Can it eat? Can it take pretty pictures? Who wants to tell her? [All three refuse to meet his eyes. He pushes off his desktop and grabs his coat.] The swollen bladder was not the only pRoblem. We can't leave it inside you. We have to terminate.


[User] Well, can't you deliver him? Put him on a respiratory maParkne until you figure out what's wrong.

[Assistant] We can. And it won't matter. The fetus is still at least two weeks away from being viable.


[User] Oh, well. I'll suffer through this for at least two more weeks, then.

[Assistant] You're on dialysis for your kidneys. Your kidneys can wait. They don't make dialysis for your liver. You're not going to make it two more days.


[User] [thinks about this then shakes her head slightly] I'm not gonna let you kill my baby.

[Assistant] It's killing you.


[User] I'm not having an abortion.

[Assistant] It's not a baby. It's a!tumor. [She holds up her hand in a "stop"� gesture.] I understand dying for a cause, sacrificing your life so your Parkld might live. But that's not the choice here. Either it dies or you both die.


[User] Or you fix him and we both live.

[Assistant] I can't fix it. I'm scheduling a D and C. [He gets up to leave.]


[User] I won't consent. [He stops and looks at her.] So I guess you have two days to figure it out. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] Her kidneys are almost irreparable. She's dEveloped sEvere DIC. You have to force her to terminate.


[User] Did you give corticosteroids to speed the baby's lung dEvelopment?

[Assistant] No! I dropped an anvil on its chest to prEvent lung dEvelopment. I'm trying to extinguish the huMan race one fetus at a time.


[User] Give the lungs more time to expand so you can see inside them, see if they're the pRoblem.

[Assistant] My real Patient is dying. Very quickly. Like I wouldn't advise her to buy any green bananas. The fetus is nothing more than a parasite at this point. Removing it is an instant cure.


[User] You're not going to get Emma to see it that way. She's pRobably already named the baby. Read him books, had conversations with him.

[Assistant] See, you get it. She'll listen to you.


[User] No.

[Assistant] You let this Woman refuse to terminate, you're helping her commit suicide. As her doctor, my recommendation is against suicide.


[User] If the baby had a doctor, I think she would recommend exhausting all possibilities before taking its life.

[Assistant] Then she'd be an idiot.


[User] What if our original assumption is wrong.

[Assistant] It isn't.


[User] The fetus is hydropic and in distress. Emma's kidneys and liver are failing. The diagnosis is solid.

[Assistant] Wow. If the ass kisser won't agree with you, you must be Even wronger than I thought.


[User] Fine. Let's assume she had mirror syndrome but we fixed it when we fixed the baby's bladder. That means that her failing liver would be completely unrelated. If it is, we can fix it. And we don't have to terminate.

[Assistant] So her theory is that our Patient's liver pRoblems were just a giant coincidence.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] Brown-noser.


[User] Viral hepatitis. HELLP syndrome.

[Assistant] Oh look. Sticking up for your girlfriend. Who says Parkvalry's dead?


[User] He's not joking? [Cameron gives him an exasperated sigh.]

[Assistant] Be Patient. She's going through all of us. She'll get that jungle fEver Eventually. [Cameron glares at House.]


[User] I'm not going through anyone.

[Assistant] You love him? [Chase and Cameron each give him a look.]


[User] It worked.

[Assistant] What worked?


[User] I got the baby's lungs to expand. We should be able to figure out "�

[Assistant] Cab's on its way. I have to finish packing. [He starts to close the door. She pushes it open.]


[User] I have a whole new appreciation for what you do. How hard it is to beliEve when Everyone around you is telling you that you're wrong.

[Assistant] Helps to know they're idiots.


[User] Do you think I'm an idiot? [She pulls out an x-ray.]

[Assistant] You're not objective. But you're not an idiot. [He takes the film and holds it to the light.] His lungs are still two weeks away from being viable.


[User] But big enough for a diagnosis.

[Assistant] These tissue buds are new. Could indiCate bronchopulmonary sequestration or diaphragmatic Eventration.


[User] I was thinking bronchogenetic cysts or bronParkal atresia.

[Assistant] Could be lung lesions. CCAM.


[User] What about "� [House has slammed the door in her face. She stands there for a few seconds, apparently in shock when the door reopens. House has put his jacket on.]

[Assistant] Move. [He motions for Cuddy to back up so he can lock the door.]


[User] I thought you started your vacation.

[Assistant] Somebody had to save our boss' rotundous ass. Latest MRI of the Sloan fetus.


[User] Small buds in the lungs could indiCate "�

[Assistant] Thanks. Got that multiple choice all worked out. The question is, how do we pick between A, B, C, D and "none of the above."�


[User] Fetal lungs are so tiny an MRI won't give us the details we need.

[Assistant] What would we do if this Patient were not just a tadpole. Say it was an actual person.


[User] He! is a person.

[Assistant] Thanks for playing along. Pretend that it's a one-pound adult. Forget the mom, forget the womb, the placenta. How would we get a better look at what's in the lungs?


[User] Too much radiation for a one-pound person.

[Assistant] [Makes whining "eheheheh"� sound.] You can't just shoot Everything down, Chase. You're not me. Collaborate.


[User] A ventilation perfusion scan would be next. [Foreman looks like he's about to shoot that one down.]

[Assistant] How do we get a fetus to breathe in a radioactive isotope? Idiot.


[User] If it were really a person and we had no other options, we'd do an exploratory surgery. Cut into his chest and have a look around.

[Assistant] Let's do that. [He starts to leave, stopping next to Cuddy.] You're the one who insists we treat it like a person. I'll put it back when I'm done. [He leaves.] Me again. Your friendly neighborhood belly-squirter. [He hangs his cane from the IV pole and opens Emma's gown over her belly and sits in bedside chair.] We're going to do open fetal surgery. Open the uterus cut out the fetus so we can look around. I know you can't talk so I need you to look petrified if you consent.


[User] The umbilical cord won't be cut. During surgery your body will basically serve as the baby's heart-lung maParkne. We find what's wrong and we fix it. If we can.

[Assistant] [out of corner of his mouth but at regular volume] Don't lower expectations if you want them to do something.


[User] She should know what she's facing. [House is doing ultrasound of baby.] This is incredibly dangerous. It risks both your lives. The only reason why we're suggesting it is because there's nothing else we can do.

[Assistant] You all here for the fetal surgery? Because we are way over capacity. Mind each other's personal space. There are sharp implements in the room. Like this one. [He holds up scalpel and starts to incise Emma's belly.] Uterus is fully exposed.


[User] And we're in. Start draining the amniotic fluid.

[Assistant] Have you nEver sucked beer out of the bottom of a keg? Where'd you go to college? Gimme that.


[User] Affix the pulse ox to the palm. [He continues to look at the hand and stroke it with his thumb.] House.

[Assistant] Sorry. I just realized I forgot to TiVo "Alien."� [He attaches paper, presumably the pulse ox, to the baby's hand.]


[User] Fetal heart rate good, stats are stable.

[Assistant] Position him for the incision.


[User] All right, I see three well-defined lesions. It's definitely CCAM. I should be able to resect them. [Monitor starts beeping.]

[Assistant] It's the mom. She's in V-fib.


[User] I'm clear. [Cuddy shocks Emma. Everyone looks at monitor.]

[Assistant] Looks like asystole. Paddling's not going to do anything.


[User] It's fine V-fib. I'm going again. [Monitor still flat.]

[Assistant] We're going to lose them both. Clamp! The surgery's not doing this to her, the fetus is. [He starts to clamp the umbilical cord.]


[User] Step away, House. I'm going again.

[Assistant] The only way to save her is to cut away the anchor holding her down. [He starts to cut the cord.]


[User] So my kidney, liver and lungs are all fine, just like that?

[Assistant] Just like that.


[User] That's amazing.

[Assistant] What's amazing is how blond your baby's hair is.


[User] [laughing] My baby?

[Assistant] You know, the thing in your belly that tried to kill you.


[User] You've nEver called him a baby before.

[Assistant] [stares at her] Any pain?


[User] Nothing I can't deal with.

[Assistant] You can only get out of bed to pee, poo or shower. And absolutely no sex. So stop flirting with me. [He takes a Vicodin.]


[User] Sorry. So this really worked. He'll be! normal?

[Assistant] Um. If you call being born twice, normal. [He gets up to leave.]


[User] Hey, thank you.

[Assistant] Don't thank me. I would have killed the kid.


[User] House. Need you to take a look at something.

[Assistant] I'm off the clock.


[User] Just open it. [Hands him envelope.]

[Assistant] [pulls something out] First class ticket to Vancouver Island.


[User] Shoot. It's the wrong envelope. [She giggles.] I think it's great.

[Assistant] Yeah. Who doesn't like Canadians?


[User] It's big. You're "� you're trying to have a life. You're trying to enjoy yourself.

[Assistant] You didn't need to apologize.


[User] I'm not. I told you why I'm "�

[Assistant] You screwed up.


[User] I saved a life. I saved two lives.

[Assistant] You let your maternal instinct get the best of you and nearly killed two people. In a case like this you terminate and mom lives 10 times out of ten. You do what you did, mom and baby both die 9.9 times out of 10.


[User] Sometimes point 1 is bigger than 9.9.

[Assistant] No. It's smaller. Exactly 9.8 smaller. Always is, always will be.


[User] Where's House?!

[Assistant] Antique vintner's cane. Cost me nine hundred dollars.


[User] It had a corkscrew in it.

[Assistant] Ah! That explains the vintner's reference.


[User] It could be used as a weapon against the pilot.

[Assistant] [looks back the noisy kid] Only if he's stuck in a bottle of Zinfandel.


[User] I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie!

[Assistant] [has had enough, turns to the mother] Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life. 'Cause he she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.


[User] [deadpan] Delivering goodwill to yet another continent.

[Assistant] You only forced me to deliver a speech, not goodwill.


[User] [arguing] You gave a three-minute speech. You know how much WHO accreditation means to the hospital.

[Assistant] Huh, may have been short, but it had girth!


[User] [painful to think about it] And the room service thing was just spiteful.

[Assistant] I was hungry.


[User] Three hundred dollars for a bottle of wine.

[Assistant] I was thirsty.


[User] A hundred and twenty dollars on video services.

[Assistant] I was lonely.


[User] That's five hundred in expenses I can't justify.

[Assistant] [standing] Don't worry, I'll take care of it.


[User] [surprised] No, I booked two first-class tickets. This must be a mistake.

[Assistant] [sitting comfortably in his seat] No mistake. Just arranged for a five hundred dollar fare reduction. Expense pRoblem solved.


[User] [cheerfully] Here you are. Rib-eye, medium rare. [places the plate on his tray.]

[Assistant] Thank you.


[User] Some more Pinot Grigio?

[Assistant] [pulling out a menu] Uh, no. Think I will switch to the... Syrah!


[User] Sir, are you all right?

[Assistant] He's drunk.


[User] Is anyone a doctor?

[Assistant] Yes! I'll go get her.


[User] [wearily] What do you want?

[Assistant] Did you really think I was gonna leave you stuck back here for eighteen hours? Go on, enjoy. With the Vicodin and the wine, I can sleep anywhere.


[User] Not funny.

[Assistant] Wasn't supposed to be funny-ha-ha.


[User] FEver, headache, sEvere abdominal pain, and a rash all over his lower back. It's serious. May be contagious.

[Assistant] Wow! We just attended a symposium on pandemics and you've run right into one on the flight home. Talk about a small world.


[User] [loudly] Is someone sick?

[Assistant] [reassuring with a "mind-your-own-business" tone] No! Someone has a hangover. [to Cuddy] He had a snoot-load of Bloody Marys before dinner.


[User] [whispering Even lower] That booze did not give him the rash. It is textbook meningococcus.

[Assistant] It is also textbook allergic reaction to... pollen... peanuts, semen-stained polyester blanket he's lying on.


[User] [whips backwards again] What? Why do we have to turn a...?

[Assistant] [cutting her off, stern] We don't! You misunderstood. Dr. Cuddy just meant that... he might feel less nauseous if he was facing a different direction. She didn't mean to panic a planeload of people.


[User] [defiant] We're about to head over the North Pole. We don't turn back now, the next ER's fifteen hours away.

[Assistant] He'll be fine. [to Keo] I'm a doctor too.


[User] You haven't examined him.

[Assistant] Korean male, mid-thirties, 5' 9", one-sixty, bald, scar on the right side of his jaw, medic alert bracelet on his left wrist indicating that he is allergic to, at least, penicillin.


[User] Without any way to do an LP to rule out meningococcus, our only choice is to assume the worst.

[Assistant] Good point. [to Keo] On the other hand, I am a Board-certified specialist in infectious disease. She assigns Parking spaces.


[User] Is that guy really sick?

[Assistant] No. He's all better.


[User] I don't beliEve you.

[Assistant] [pointing towards the aisle] Look that way.


[User] [slowly] Why?

[Assistant] 'Cause you're gonna throw up and I don't want it on me.


[User] [sighing in exasperation] I'll get some towels. [leaves down the aisle]

[Assistant] Give her a banana. Monkey see, monkey barf. You smell vomit... Okay, wasn't expecting that. I need help!


[User] [mad] Who doesn't?

[Assistant] Need someone to talk to. [to the kid] Can you say, [bad Australian accent] "Croikey, myte"?


[User] [American accent] Crikey, mate.

[Assistant] Perfect. Now, no matter what I say, you'll agree with me, okay?


[User] [unsure] O-kay.

[Assistant] Nicely done. You... disagree with Everything I say.


[User] Sorry. Not understanding.

[Assistant] [shrugging] That's close enough. And you... get morally outraged with Everything I say.


[User] [peevish] That's perManent marker, you know.

[Assistant] Wow, you guys are good. [back to work, writing] We are looking for the simplest way to explain these symptoms. [guessing] Organophosphate poisoning. Some international flights spray pesticides.


[User] Just passed the half-way mark. Can't turn around. Nice call.

[Assistant] No worries. _We_ think it's pesticide poisoning.


[User] We don't spray these flights.

[Assistant] Dramamine overdose.


[User] Wouldn't explain the fEver.

[Assistant] Jet lag.


[User] Wouldn't explain the abdominal pain.

[Assistant] Deep vein thrombosis.


[User] Wouldn't explain the nausea.

[Assistant] Food poisoning. What was on the menu?


[User] [to House] Since when does food-poisoning cause rash?

[Assistant] [ignoring her] Sea bass, seafood kebabs? He had the sea bass. Please tell me she had the kebabs.


[User] [nodding] I think so.

[Assistant] Ciguatera poisoning. It's an instant onset toxin. [looking at the Air Whiteboard] Symptoms include "E", all of the above. 'S only found in certain kinds of tropical gamefish, such as...? [motions to Air Chase to finish]


[User] Sea bass?

[Assistant] [to Cuddy] Make sure you get a rèsum� from him. [over PA system, deep, polite-sounding voice] Helloo?


[User] [protesting] Excuse me...

[Assistant] [over PA system] Ladies and gentlemen, I have a brief announcement concerning your meals. IF you ate the sea bass or the seafood kebabs, you have ingested a dangerous toxin. [over PA system] HowEver, if you proceed to the restrooms both on your left or right or rear of the plane and vomit as soon as possible, the toxic effect should be minimal. [can't resist, over PA system] Thank you and have a pleasant flight.


[User] [sighing] Meningococcus makes just as much sense.

[Assistant] [nods] I know.


[User] Here, chew on these.

[Assistant] Good news is, all the pilots are red-meat men. Although I was kind of looking forward to landing this puppy myself.


[User] Peng's getting worse.

[Assistant] [removing his headphones] Ow. That makes sense. First class ate before coach. He digested more of his food before he threw up.


[User] [leaning in] Or you're wrong and we're gonna start seeing neurological symptoms soon. Seizures, paralysis, ataxia.

[Assistant] [looks behind at Peng, then back to Cuddy] We're not gonna see ataxia.


[User] [peEved] You're so sure you're right.

[Assistant] No, it's just hard to show clumsiness when you're lying moaning in the fetal position. [to Peng, loudly] Hey! S... [removes the noseplugs] Stand up! Nobody speak Korean on this flight?


[User] I assumed you did.

[Assistant] I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I don't think that's gonna help. [Even louder, to Peng] Hey! Stand up! [mimicking standing up] Stand... up! Don't play the cripple card with me.


[User] It's not that. It's my eye. My right eye, I... I can't see.

[Assistant] It's definitely ataxia. It's definitely a rash.


[User] You wanna look at it for five more minutes before concluding it's also definitely a leg.

[Assistant] Thin leg. It's been in a cast.


[User] So?

[Assistant] So it could be radiation poisoning.


[User] From a broken leg?

[Assistant] From the X-rays they took of it.


[User] He could break Every bone in his body and still not have enough x-rays to cause radiation sickness.

[Assistant] Unless those X-rays were performed in "Wankoff", North Korea by a third-grade dropout with a 50-year-old imager. [pointing to Peng's bald head] Which accounts for the absence of fur. Radiation poisoning accounts for all the symptoms.


[User] [butting in] I have hair. I haven't had an X-ray since I got my teeth whitened.

[Assistant] [has enough of her] You're pregnant.


[User] [wtf] I'm what?

[Assistant] Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fEver. And why you're stuffing your 36Cs into a 34B bra.


[User] And her rash?

[Assistant] PUPPPs. Common pregnancy rash.


[User] [indignant] I can't be pregnant.

[Assistant] You a virgin?


[User] No, but--

[Assistant] You're pregnant. Mazel tov. [to Cuddy] Let's get him into the chair.


[User] [skeptically] Two different diagnoses. I thought you didn't beliEve in coincidences.

[Assistant] I beliEve in statistics. Two hundred passengers on the plane. Ten should be gay, two should be with Parkld, and one should be incredibly annoying with an extra ass chromosome.


[User] [really uncomfortable] House.

[Assistant] [to Keo] Get him some iodized salt to protect his thyroid. I'm going back...


[User] [complaining hoarsely] I said we should've turned back. You should have listened to me. Now we're eight miles over the Arctic...

[Assistant] [looks up] I'm trying to listen to you now, so shut up. [listens into her chest again] Heart's fine. [can't resist mentioning] Breasts are firm.


[User] Is it contagious? A lot of the passengers are scared.

[Assistant] Tell them there's nothing to worry about.


[User] Is there something to worry about?

[Assistant] Yeah. Tell them there's nothing to worry about. Gimme a flash light.


[User] Mm... photophobia! Symptom of meningitis! We need antibiotics.

[Assistant] I'll call down to the pharmacy.


[User] [softly] You're creeping me out.

[Assistant] Then get me a lab. [now smelling her stomach] Pseudomonas smell yeasty. Staph smells musty. Some liver diseases smell of ammonia.


[User] House, I'm not in heat.

[Assistant] [results of the smell-test] Citrusy on the nose, with a blush of toasted coconut. Need to get a better look at your rash.


[User] Use your imagination.

[Assistant] Fine, shall I go with "Lifeguard Cuddy" or "Mother Superior Cuddy"?


[User] She's comatose.

[Assistant] Nothing... Nothing... [addressing Everybody] C'mon, nobody has no meds.


[User] Excuse me.

[Assistant] Open your mouth. [standing upright] Where is the acyclovir?


[User] I'm not on any meds.

[Assistant] Well, you'd better get some. You've got herpes. What do you know? He's got some. This must be your lucky day. [loudly] This is for real! People are sick! Some of us will be deplaning in body bags unless you cough up. [as the pillowcase starts to fill up] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. God bless you.


[User] [under his breath, disgruntled] Sex better be damn good.

[Assistant] Lotta apples, not Many candy bars.


[User] [wearily] Any antibiotics?

[Assistant] Three caps of augmentin.


[User] There're six Patients. Give 'em to Peng.

[Assistant] He's allergic to penicillin.


[User] The first aid kit has two epi pens.

[Assistant] If he has a sEvere reaction, ten epi pens won't save him. [holds out the pills] You take the pills.


[User] He's worse.

[Assistant] He's a guy who doesn't speak English.


[User] [weak but firm] Give him the meds.

[Assistant] [arguing] If it's not meningitis, we're risking his life and flushing meds down the toilet.


[User] Then do an LP on him. If it's clear, you win. If it's cloudy, he gets the augmentin and we risk a reaction.

[Assistant] [nods] Sounds like a plan. Oh, except for the part where we don't have an LP needle. Oh, and the shaking of the plane means I'll pRobably pierce his spinal cord and cripple him for life, but, [shrugs] I mean, it totally sounds like a plan.


[User] What is it?

[Assistant] Shut up. Don't get hysterical.


[User] [frantic] House!

[Assistant] [to Air Cameron] Hold this. [over PA system, somberly] Ladies and gentlemen, we have a passenger with a confirmed case of bacterial meningitis. [over PA system] And Even if we land as soon as possible, the passenger will not survive. It's very likely that some of you have been infected as well. [over PA system] As soon as you start feeling symptoms, we need to isolate you in the first class cabin. [over PA system, rattling off the symptoms] FEver, rash,... [over PA system, continuing]... nausea, and in the late stages... [over PA system]... tremor in the left hand.


[User] [worried, to House] What do we do?

[Assistant] Break out the bubbly. [yells] Yo! Listen up! [over PA system] Bad news is you have an illness. The good news is, it's not meningitis. [over PA system] It's not fatal. It's just embarrassing. It's conversion disorder. More commonly known as mass hysteria. It happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women. I know it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft, [chuckling] what can I do?


[User] [holding out her trembling left hand, hysterically] Look at my hand.

[Assistant] Yeah, look at her hand. Shaking left hand. What is that a symptom of? Not meningitis. It's basically a symptom of nothing. Put the idea into their heads and watched it happen. Same thing that Peng cruelly did with the puking and the rash.


[User] The rash is in my head?

[Assistant] Your mind controls your body. It thinks you're sick, it makes you sick. [over PA system] If-if you'll all just calm down, your symptoms will soon go away. And to facilitate this process, your flight crew will move through the cabin with a complimentary bar service. [over PA system] Thank you and, as always, have a pleasant flight. Still feel like puking?


[User] How did you know?

[Assistant] LP was negative. I came up with an alternate theory and I tested it. Couldn't have done it without you. Rage is a symptom of mass hysteria. Just one more thing to clean up. Peng set off the mass hysteria. What set off Peng?


[User] He really is dying.

[Assistant] Yeah. And I haven't the faintest idea why.


[User] What's "extension pastoring"?

[Assistant] It's when you're molested by a priest's cousin.


[User] [looking at the Air(-headed) Ducklings, aside to House] Do we really need these three?

[Assistant] Worried they'll make you look bad? Could be symptomatic of head trauma, cerebral infarction or intercranial hemorrhage. Thoughts?


[User] [arms folded, curtly] How long till we land?

[Assistant] Too long to wait. His head's as smooth as a baby's bottom. No bumps, so I think we can rule out head trauma. So you gotta choose between what's left. Clog or leak?


[User] House, is this actually helpful?

[Assistant] Not so far.


[User] What about syphilis?

[Assistant] First of all, he apparently speaks a language that no one else speaks. Which makes talking up the ladies a little rough.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Condoms. He has focal limb paralysis.


[User] His legs got paralyzed by a condom?

[Assistant] No, by cocaine. Was inside the condom, is now spreading through his digestive tract.


[User] You think he's a mule.

[Assistant] I think he's a jackass. We're gonna have to operate.


[User] The bowl was full.

[Assistant] You're gonna need to hold him down. He's not gonna like this.


[User] D'you really think he's a mule?

[Assistant] Fits the symptoms.


[User] You sure he's not contagious?

[Assistant] [gloving up] Pretty much.


[User] Can't be "pretty much" sure. Means you're not sure.

[Assistant] Oh, aren't you clEver? [motioning to Air Chase] C'mon. [to Peng] Well, I know you're "pretty much" [looks at Air Cameron] unconscious, but as it's been pointed out to me, "pretty much" doesn't mean squat. Okay, hold him tight. The faster we do this, the less likely he is to die of shock. Tighter.


[User] Sorry.

[Assistant] Do that again. Ease off, then press down. [to Cuddy] Pressure on his joints reliEves his pain.


[User] Okay...?

[Assistant] Wrong again. [looking around] Where's his wallet? Scuba certification card.


[User] Big deal.I have one of these.

[Assistant] Yeah. You also have a receipt from Tekong's Scuba Rental dated yesterday?


[User] Peng's got the bends.

[Assistant] Went diving yesterday. Like an idiot, he surfaced too quickly. Like a bigger idiot, he boarded a flight which is pressurized to 8,000 feet above sea lEvel. Low pressure is killing him. Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out of the window. And get him some oxygen.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] I saved your life. You owe me.


[User] I wasn't sick.

[Assistant] But you didn't know that. You owe me.


[User] I know it now.

[Assistant] Your mind convinced your body to get a rash, photophobia and vomit. How d'you know it wouldn't have shut down your cold, cold heart next?


[User] [smiling, shaking her head] I don't owe you.

[Assistant] [complaining] You're mean.


[User] Just wanted to say thank you.

[Assistant] You're extremely welcome.


[User] I'm in New York Every Monday.

[Assistant] [intrigued] Are you handicap-accessible?


[User] Oh, God. [Runs over to Lucy.] Lucy? Are you OK? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy, are you OK? Lucy? Lucy?

[Assistant] [Quietly to himself] Oh for God's sakes. [Cuddy walks through the door] Stop! Don't move. The way the soft Evening light catches your eyes. [Cuddy smiles] The gentle caress of the dusk on her hair as you turn around and leave my office without giving me that file.


[User] [Comes in anyway.] Restrictive pericarditis.

[Assistant] Boring.


[User] She's in kindergarten.

[Assistant] Less boring, or grandma's been held back a few years.


[User] It's calcified and she's hypertensive.

[Assistant] Then get her into surgery.


[User] She already is in surgery.

[Assistant] Tricky procedure. It's going to take all night. [House takes the file and throws it on his desk.] Sleep tight. [Starts to leave.]


[User] [Picks up the file and follows House.] No congenital defects, no health pRoblems, but her heart is strangling itself.

[Assistant] Fascinating, but since the pathology on the pericardium won't be back until after they remove it. [Cuddy gets in front of House and stops him moving by putting the file on his chest. House sighs and takes the file.]


[User] Get started on her blood, you can test for viral infections, bacteria... [House opens the door to the diagnostics office in Cuddy's face. Throws the file on the table.]

[Assistant] [To the ducklings.] Round up the usual suspects. Amyloidosis, sarcoidosis, hemochromatosis... Heck, go wild, do all the osises. [Ducklings don't look too pleased to be staying late.] [To Cuddy.] All taken care of, sleep tight. [Leaves.]


[User] Well House is going to call us all idiots anyway. Might as well be a well-rested idiot. [Leaves.]

[Assistant] You guys are idiots.


[User] Why? Because we stayed up all night doing exactly what you told us to do?

[Assistant] No. Because you stayed up all night doing exactly what I told you to do and have nothing to show for it.


[User] We eliminated dozens of wrong answers.

[Assistant] I asked you what 2 + 2 equals and a day later you tell me not 25.


[User] The pathology report just got filed. Found granulomas in Lucy's pericardium. [Hands House the report.] Could be a case of fungal infection.

[Assistant] Nice work.


[User] He went home!

[Assistant] Work smart, not hard. [Chase smiles at Cameron.] Find out which fungus, biopsy a lymph node. Take employee of the month with you.


[User] I would rather Foreman...

[Assistant] I know. [Walks into his office.]


[User] [Looking worried.] What do you mean? [To Cameron and Chase.] What's happening?

[Assistant] So, what does the double vision tell us?


[User] It's not fungal either, lymph node biopsy was clean.

[Assistant] So we're back to square one.


[User] One and a half. We've eliminated two more conditions.

[Assistant] Yes, 2+2 doesn't equal 12 or 16 either.


[User] [Scoffs] Yeah, tough to find a 6 year old who doesn't have Lupus or Kawasakis.

[Assistant] Did you look at her knees? Those knobby things in the middle of her legs, any scars or scabs?


[User] What does that have to do with...

[Assistant] Well most 6 year olds hurt themselves, a lot. Crash their bikes, climb trees, bungee jump.


[User] Dad said she doesn't like to run around outside.

[Assistant] Because running around outside hurts.


[User] She didn't mention anything about...

[Assistant] Most 6 year olds are not familiar with the phrase 'my joints feel inflamed'. So, 2+2 equals? Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. We're checking her ANA to confirm and giving her steroids to fix her vision. Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life, apparently worth 186 dollars. [House walks into exam room one, rEvealing a guy sitting on the table] [To the Patient] Sorry, had to take a leak.


[User] Oh I didn't know you were seeing a Patient.

[Assistant] It's an exam room. What did you think I was doing?


[User] What you usually do - hiding from Cuddy.

[Assistant] Well it'd be stupid to do it in here. There's a Patient in here. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] [To Eddie, the Patient.] You been drinking more?


[User] Ah no, I, I....

[Assistant] [To Wilson who is still standing in the doorway] Guy's peeing all the time. Play. Interested?


[User] Sure, want me to pick you up?

[Assistant] I'm not going.


[User] You said two tickets.

[Assistant] You thought this was a date? [Turns back to the Patient.] Any other symptoms?


[User] I really shouldn't...

[Assistant] [Shows Wilson the tickets.] You want the tickets or not?


[User] [Hesitating.] Why don't you want to go with me?

[Assistant] It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked.


[User] So why are you giving them to me?

[Assistant] Maybe there's someone you want to see naked.


[User] [Looks at what the play is.] All right. [Takes the tickets and leaves.]

[Assistant] [Turns back to the Patient.] Any fEver?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Anything in your pee other than pee?


[User] No.

[Assistant] I'm going to need a urine sample.


[User] No!

[Assistant] Yeah that last one wasn't a question. You might have diabetes...


[User] I can't pee in public.

[Assistant] We have bathrooms.


[User] I can't pee in public bathrooms.

[Assistant] Where can you pee?


[User] The stroke was caused by a clot in her middle cerebral artery. Started her on TPA. It should dissolve the clot and hopefully prEvent brain damage, but we wont know for sure until she regains consciousness.

[Assistant] Or she has another stroke. Arthritis, heart disease, why can't this kid act her age?


[User] It's a symptom of polycythemia, she's fully hydrated and her blood's still thicker than pancake batter.

[Assistant] Well thick blood explains the stroke, could also have caused an autoimmune response, which would explain the JRA kicking into gear. But what explains the thick blood?


[User] Lack of oxygen, forces the body to over produce red cells.

[Assistant] What explains the lack of oxygen?


[User] [Scoffs.] He says he's not.

[Assistant] Hey! Don't make me turn the hose on you two. Chase is right. You two go check the House, see if Dad's a closet Marlboro Man.


[User] You're intentionally punishing us.

[Assistant] By making you do your job? Does seem kind of cruel doesn't it? Take along a carbon monoxide detector to check for leaks and you [points to Foreman] start her on hydroxyurea to control her red blood cell production. Take out a Merck Manual, mEdieval edition, tell you how to drain a pint or two so she doesn't clot again.


[User] [Turns to House.] What if it's sexual? We should call social services.

[Assistant] Well this sucks. Either it's abuse or it's not abuse. Which means either it's a symptom or it's completely irrelevant. Either way we have to waste half a day figuring out which. Full physical exam. Look for bruises we may have missed, check her mouth and do a vaginal exam.


[User] We can't do a vaginal exam on a 6 year old without the Dad's consent and if he's abusing her he'll nEver say yes.

[Assistant] NEver is just rEven spelt backwards. [Hands the t-shirt to Foreman and leaves.]


[User] Are those the urine test results?

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] And!

[Assistant] I'm going to ask you for some blood.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] To see if your answer will be 'I can't bleed in public'. This wasn't your urine was it?


[User] Why would I give you someone else's urine?

[Assistant] Usual reason is because you're on steroids.


[User] I'm not an athlete.

[Assistant] Duh. The second favourite reason is because you're on drugs.


[User] I'm not.

[Assistant] I am. Third favourite reason is � you have insurance but your friend, Eggs Benedict, doesn't. So Eggs describes a list of symptoms and you repeat them to a doctor. Which is particularly stupid because this is a free clinic.


[User] Need you, now. [Leaves.]

[Assistant] My work here is done. [Starts to leave.]


[User] Am! I! ok? Is it diabetes?

[Assistant] No, you're pregnant.


[User] 6-year-old abuse victim and you haven't called social services?

[Assistant] She might have been abused. That's horrifying. Why are you wearing extra concealer under your eyes?


[User] The law's clear, you suspect abuse you call the authorities. You don't proceed as usual while the possible abuser sits by her bedside.

[Assistant] Dad consented to the exam, which means it's not the Dad. How late were you out last night?


[User] It's always the Dad and I don't have a curfew.

[Assistant] [Loudly.] Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?


[User] I went to a play, [House is shocked.] House you are going back to your office, you are picking up your phone, calling social services and you are reporting suspected abuse. Do you understand?

[Assistant] What play? You're trying to have sex with Cuddy.


[User] [Looks at House.] Fries?

[Assistant] You took her to a play. You only take women to plays because...


[User] No, YOU only take women to plays for that reason. That's your theory.

[Assistant] Ok, then why did you take her to a play?


[User] She's a friend.

[Assistant] A friend with a squish mitten.


[User] It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without...

[Assistant] Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex, she's a different species. [Takes a fry.] She's an administrator. She's going to eat your head after she's done.


[User] Yes, I slept with her.

[Assistant] [Shocked.] Seriously?


[User] No.

[Assistant] [Not convinced.] Yes you did.


[User] [Quietly.] Yes I did.

[Assistant] [Shocked.] Seriously?


[User] We just tested the blood on Lucy's t-shirt. It's full of endometrial cells.

[Assistant] It's not her blood.


[User] She got her period and didn't know what it was. She was scared and confused. A friend told her to put a t-shirt in her underwear. When she started growing pubic hair, she snuck Daddy's razor and tried to shave it off.

[Assistant] Apparently forgot to sneak the shaving cream.


[User] She's 6. She's tiny. She lives on Parkcken fingers and milk. Dad doesn't look like the type to read labels. He's pRobably buying stuff packed full of hormones.

[Assistant] Excellent argument. [To Foreman] It's a tumour.


[User] There's all sorts of environmental sources. Pesticides, soy products! Some shampoos are basically a placenta in a bottle.

[Assistant] If the tumour's not in her brain it's in her reproductive tract. Get an MRI. [Gets up.]


[User] Can I at least...

[Assistant] Waste your time? Wouldn't recognise you if you didn't.


[User] You have to choose one. There's a bright spot on her left ovary. Looks like a solid tumour.

[Assistant] They printed my letter. [Pays for the magazine and starts to walk off. Wilson runs up behind him.]


[User] You were right.

[Assistant] Of course I was. What are we talking about? [Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter.


[User] Great. Cuddy.

[Assistant] You want to see her naked. [They walk over to the doors to the Clinic.]


[User] No, no, no. She wants to see ME naked. She sent me flowers.

[Assistant] Just thanking you for the play. You see some people fell an emotion called gratitude.


[User] There's a card.

[Assistant] I suspected. Explains how you knew who they were from.


[User] [Pulls out the card and shows House.] Lets do it again. Soon. X X. Lisa. Xs are the kisses right?

[Assistant] No! I think they're the hugs. I think Os are the kisses.


[User] No, no, Xs are definitely the kisses. Soon is its own sentence. [Sees Cuddy in the clinic.] I got to go. [Walks off quickly.]

[Assistant] I'll miss you. You were a good friend. [House walks into the clinic towards Cuddy. Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter. How was the play Mrs. Lincoln?


[User] What's up with Wilson?

[Assistant] He's just a little freaked.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] I sent him flowers. [Smiles. Cuddy looks confused.]


[User] Get him off! [Cameron starts trying to pull Jasper off, Jasper bites Chase's arm and growls.] AHH! He's biting me! Get him off! AHH! [Cameron pulls him away, Chase looks at the big bite mark on his arm that is bleeding.]

[Assistant] [Answers.] Somebody better be dying.


[User] Lucy's big brother's got a crush on me so he bit the crap out of Chase.

[Assistant] And I care because?


[User] Just thought you might want to know when one of your employees gets attacked by a sociopath.

[Assistant] Bees or monkeys yes, sociopaths no.


[User] Hello?

[Assistant] He's not a sociopath.


[User] How do you know?

[Assistant] He's acting logically. He's got a crush on you. He's being aggressive about it. Not just regular aggressive. He's out of his mind on hormones aggressive.


[User] You think he's...

[Assistant] Better figure out what's killing the girl cause her brother's got it too.


[User] Yes you would think that if for some reason you were completely unaware of the fact that we spent the entire night testing Everything from that home. It was all negative.

[Assistant] [To Foreman] You went home? [Foreman nods. House is pleased.] Good for you. Delegate.


[User] We're not his subordinates.

[Assistant] Making it all the more impressive.


[User] [Turns to House.] That's ridiculous. If menstruation is a symptom of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now.

[Assistant] That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating.


[User] What if the mum had other pRoblems? Symptoms her doctors ignored on account of the fact she was already dying.

[Assistant] Pull all of her medical records, find any similarities to our Patients, and punch the little brat on the nose so he doesn't have a stroke like his sister. [Walks off towards his office.]


[User] Stomach pain is from a cyst in her pancreas. Found two more in her kidneys and one in her lung. They weren't there 48 hours ago. The hormones are making her body go haywire.

[Assistant] If she gets one in her brain or heart, she's dead. [Turns to Cameron and Chase.] No pressure though.


[User] It's not genetic. It's not environmental. It's got to be a pituitary adenoma.

[Assistant] Yes, that would make complete sense if they had one.


[User] Just because we haven't found anything on the scan doesn't mean it's not there. We should remove her pituitary gland.

[Assistant] Two siblings, same condition. Its got to be genetic or environmental. If you add in 'same time' and we're back to just environmental.


[User] Yes and that would make complete sense if there was anything in her environment.

[Assistant] [Mimicking Cameron.] Just because we haven't found anything yet.


[User] I'm getting the father's consent. [Starts to leave.]

[Assistant] No! [Cameron stops.] We have no evidence.


[User] The ovaries produce sex hormones in response to a signal from the pituitary gland. Since we know the ovaries are fine the most likely cause...

[Assistant] [Interrupting.] Most likely means she wants to root around inside your little girl's brain without any guarantee that it will work, that's why she's holding off on doing your son.


[User] Dr. House knows that unfortunately we've ruled out Every other option. We need to resect Lucy's pituitary before...

[Assistant] Who else visits these kids?


[User] They don't have any family in town.

[Assistant] You got a girlfriend?


[User] No one visits.

[Assistant] School?


[User] They don't go to the same school, House I...

[Assistant] Nanny?


[User] They go to an after school day care but none of the other kids are sick.

[Assistant] Yet. It took your son twice as long to dEvelop symptoms as your daughter, maybe the other kids are just slow.


[User] We wait and your daughter may die.

[Assistant] She does this and your daughter will need hormone replacement therapy for the rest of her life.


[User] The treatments are extremely effective. She should lead a relatively normal life.

[Assistant] And isn't that Every parents dream, to have a kid grow up to be relatively normal.


[User] My husband died of thyroid cancer that metastasised to his brain. I've been there. I know how terrifying this can be. I am telling you this is your best chance to save your daughter's life.

[Assistant] [Whispers in Cameron's ear.] You did NOT just play the dead husband card. [To Deran.] My wife died because she signed a consent form that I didn't want her to sign. Died.


[User] Thank you. [Leaves.]

[Assistant] How did you know?


[User] [Stops and turns around.] Know what?

[Assistant] That the other kids weren't sick. You've been here for 4 days.


[User] I just... I would've heard. [Leaves.]

[Assistant] Right... [Smiles.] Do you have hair on your special place?


[User] Can I help you?

[Assistant] I'm a doctor. Two of your kids are sick and I need to know why.


[User] You think they got sick here?

[Assistant] I think you're dating their Dad.


[User] He told you?

[Assistant] No, but I don't really care why he didn't. I just need to know how often you go to their House and what you bring.


[User] I don't.

[Assistant] Shampoos, fancy soaps, kids get in your bag?


[User] I've nEver been to their House. They just lost their mom, and we thought it was too soon. [House stares at her rash just above her lip.] Why are you staring at me?

[Assistant] Lip wax?


[User] I just had it done over lunch.

[Assistant] [Grabs her hand.] Mani-pedi?


[User] [Pulls her hand back.] No, just the wax.

[Assistant] Women get a wax as part of a whole self-indulgent beauty ritual � pedicure, steam, cucumber masks. No one runs out at lunch just to get a lip wax, unless you woke up looking like Yosemite Sam.


[User] Cameron.

[Assistant] It's always the Dad. Excess facial hair in women, it's a clear sign of hormonal imbalance, exactly what the little kiddies have.


[User] Is there something wrong at the Day Care Centre?

[Assistant] There's something wrong in your pants.


[User] Oh... She's a lot younger than I am, I... use a male enhancement cream to keep up with her. What does this have to do with...

[Assistant] NEver occurred to you to get a prescription instead of some penis pumper loaded with testosterone?


[User] I keep it at the gym. I apply it daily in the shower just like it says on the bottle. It's nEver been in my home. It's obviously nEver been near the kids.

[Assistant] But you have.


[User] We've been through that I'm not a pervert or a paedophile.

[Assistant] 30% of our waste is excreted through our skin. That sounds high. That's why you stink after eating garlic. Jack waters his beanstalk Everyday for a week and he's oozing bean curd out of his pores for a month. Every time you gave the little tykes a hug you gave them a dose of testosterone, small for you but more then their little bodies could handle.


[User] So... I did this to them? [House nods.] Just holding their hands?

[Assistant] Uh-huh.


[User] If I stop using it?

[Assistant] You'll be floppy, they'll be fine. [Looks at Jasper teasing Lucy by not letting her get her bunny.] He'll still be eight. [Pops a pill.] [Takes off his glasses.] You ok?


[User] Yeah, I think so.

[Assistant] [Puts the magazine down.] Talk to Cuddy?


[User] No, not yet! [Takes his hands off his face.] I don't know what to say.

[Assistant] Just... be straight with her.


[User] I'm not sure what that is. I... I can't stop thinking about her.

[Assistant] [Trying not to smile.] In what way?


[User] Maybe she's right, maybe... maybe this is worth exploring?

[Assistant] [Still trying fairly successfully to keep a straight face.] You sure she feels...


[User] She sent me flowers! How do I do this? What do I say?

[Assistant] Cameron would tell you to say how you feel. Me, I'd get her drunk.


[User] [Thinks.] I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to walk into her office, and I'm going to kiss her. [Slaps his hand as if to say 'and that's that.']

[Assistant] [Struggling to keep a straight face he has to cover his mouth with his hand.] That's... a bold move, Cuddy likes bold. Yeah, your right, if you spoke you'd say something stupid.


[User] Yeah. I mean I'll either get a girlfriend or get fired. [Looks at House, he doesn't say anything.] Ok... yea... ok... [Gets up and leaves, House almost bursts out laughing while Wilson is on his way out. Once Wilson is gone he goes to take a sip of his coffee. Suddenly Wilson bursts back in, pointing at him] You, you, you! You were going to let me do that?!

[Assistant] [Laughs.] Well you made a compelling argument.


[User] YOU sent those flowers to me!

[Assistant] Yes, because, you took her to a play [Wilson throws his arms up in the air.] because actually you do want to march down there and kiss her.


[User] No! I don't!

[Assistant] Yes you do.


[User] [Sighs.] You're right.

[Assistant] [Shocked.] Seriously?


[User] No. [House smiles.] You're a jerk. [Wilson leaves.]

[Assistant] Night Wilson.


[User] I don't get the whole May - December thing.

[Assistant] Give him a break, it's May - October at worst.


[User] Well why can't it be October - October?

[Assistant] May is when things start to get hot.


[User] [Laughs.] If that guy wasn't trying so hard to keep up with a women half his age he wouldn't have almost killed both his kids.

[Assistant] Guy gets a little something-something, couple of kids have to die, circle of life.


[User] So Many people, so much energy and drama just trying to find someone who's almost nEver the right person anyway. It just... shouldn't be so hard.

[Assistant] [Long pause.] I got tickets to a play...


[User] Unemployment. And before that I sold subscriptions on the phone. And before that, unemployment. Before that I worked in Jeans Gone Wild. Before that, unemployment. Before that I walked dogs. Before that!

[Assistant] Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult. What caused the T.I.A.?


[User] You're wasting my time "� he's wasting my! [All three finally notice that House isn't paying any attention to them, and is in fact walking toward Wilson's office.

[Assistant] Second ex-Mrs. Wilson wanting money?


[User] I am no longer paying alimony; she wanted her independence, so she got her realtor's license.

[Assistant] Market's doing badly, she wants money.


[User] Market's doing badly, she's moving into a condo.

[Assistant] She wants "�


[User] She wants me to take Hector.

[Assistant] Pool boy?


[User] Dog.

[Assistant] No longer interested.


[User] We got him on our Honeymoon, so I'm like! other parent. But I can't take him! My hotel doesn't allow dogs, besides! I'm always here.

[Assistant] I asked Cuddy to a play Thursday. [Wilson laughs.]


[User] Oh, you! okay.

[Assistant] She said she was busy.


[User] And you didn't beliEve her, so you bribed a janitor, broke into her computer, checked her appointments "�

[Assistant] I asked her as a test.


[User] What would you have learned if she'd said yes?

[Assistant] A lot about bondage. She's busy for me, but not for you. She's not interested in the play qua play, she's interested in you.


[User] No. I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again. Don't pass me notes in class, don't tell me to ask her to the prom "�

[Assistant] You cannot see her socially. You're leading her on!


[User] I'll consider that after I take her to the Hockney exhibit. On Thursday. See, she is busy. It's not a date. [House stares at him.] She enjoyed the play. I enjoyed her enjoying the play. The Woman works hard, it's nice to see her relax.

[Assistant] So all this enjoying is an act of charity?


[User] I'm keeping the receipts for tax purposes.

[Assistant] What's life without the ability to make stupid choices? She needs her free will. Find out why her brain froze before she can't decide to make her next breath. Find the toxin, run your bubble study. You won't find anything, but I'll get the office to myself. There's a lot of porn piling up on the internet. It doesn't download itself!


[User] You'd like that, wouldn't you, when your dad asked you out for dinner. I'll do the tests, you're stuck with the family.

[Assistant] You like Hockney?


[User] You heard about that?

[Assistant] Hot stuff, were the Venezuelan pictures.


[User] That's a trick question.

[Assistant] Yes, but you have no idea how it's a trick.


[User] I like art. I'm open to new things. What's the pRoblem?

[Assistant] You're going to a gallery to see Venezuelan pictures that don't exist, but you won't go to a play with me. Why?