[User] Hepatic fibrosis. If it damaged his platelets, it'd explain the bleeding.

[Assistant] Unexpected. I actually thought you might agree with my theory. Because that would mean nothing's your fault. You fell into relationships based on proximity. Of course they failed. [Chase sits down at the table.] But I guess I was wrong. You picked perfect women. You just screwed it up.


[User] $7,000?

[Assistant] Adams suggests that we all sleep together, and your issue is high prices?


[User] Pretty sure she was joking.

[Assistant] Yes, I'm 99% sure that you're right, but I would nEver forgive myself�


[User] Those dolls are only $5,000. He must have had it customized somehow. [They all look at him in disbelief.] Oh, like, you didn't check the website?

[Assistant] I guess we don't need to ask how your dating life is going.


[User] It would if liver failure opened pulmonary av shunts.

[Assistant] Fibrosis fits. Start the Patient on steroids and find out how he pimped his ride.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because I don't know the answer. [He gets up and heads for the elevator. Wilson happens to be walking by and stops to talk to House.]


[User] Hey. Foosball?

[Assistant] Can't. Marriage to destroy.


[User] Okay! [He heads for his office.]

[Assistant] "Okay" as in passive-aggressive rEverse psychology? Or as in depressed resignation


[User] "Okay" as in I changed my mind.

[Assistant] Expand.


[User] Oh, it's morally reprehensible and bound to fail, but in a weird way, it's a step forward. This thing with Emily.

[Assistant] Contract.


[User] It's real without being real. It's a long-term relationship that can't actually hurt you. It's, um! a stepping stone. It means you want more.

[Assistant] So, passive-aggressive rEverse psychology. Got it. [He enters the elevator and the doors close.] Try not to come on too strong, okay? Just get to know him a little. Ease into it.


[User] Why would I ease?

[Assistant] True. You could just walk up and stick your hand down his pants, but I heard there's a middle step.


[User] Cheating? What are you talking about?

[Assistant] Why, I hope you're speaking out of some deep kind of moral relativism because�


[User] Who are you people?

[Assistant] You're not Emily's fianc�e.


[User] I'm not leaving the business. I'm just leaving you. I didn't want you to feel bad.

[Assistant] So let me get this straight. I'm being dumped by a hooker! who's worried about my feelings?


[User] You're married.

[Assistant] Half your clients are married. And you're a hooker.


[User] My other guys sneak around, but you'll take me into the bedroom while your wife's in the next room. That's just! mean.

[Assistant] Oh, my God. The marriage, it's a sham. The only really thing about it is the green card she's going to get at the end of it. So, if you want to get the meter running!


[User] It's still mean.

[Assistant] It's not a marriage. It's a felony.


[User] Um, little. Weird. Teapot-ish.

[Assistant] Like that?


[User] You think he drinks some sort of toxic herbal tea?

[Assistant] Yes! if by "tea," you mean salted tap water. And by "drink," you mean poured up his nose. His girlfriend didn't just leave him with a broken heart. She left him with a neti pot. It's an Indian method of! clearing the sinuses during allergy season. Also known as now. [As House speaks, we see glimpses of the past: Henry is filling the pot with tap water and leaning over the sink, he puts water in his nose.] The distilled water can act as a snot flushing system. With tap water, it can act as an amoeba delivery system to the fluids around the brain. Start him on metronidazole. If he's lucky, he'll get to see his plastic Parkldren walk down the aisle. [Adams leaves the room.]


[User] I fix blender.

[Assistant] So I see.


[User] I had fun seducing hooker's fake fianc�e. Sorry it didn't work.

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought I'd take a break from the whole hooker thing.


[User] I think maybe you need milk shake. Is pistaParko.

[Assistant] I'm! gonna go to bed. See you tomorrow.


[User] Been paging you for over two hours.

[Assistant] I must've been in the shower. Then I had to moisturize.


[User] Eight-year-old boy was brought into the ER last night with acute respiratory distress. [House grabs a pack of Parkps.] No history of � [Foreman pauses to pull a dollar out of his pocket which he puts on the counter to pay for House's food] � no histories of asthma or allergies, and his chest X-ray's clear.

[Assistant] Actually, I had to moisturize twice. Dominika made oysters Rockefeller last night.


[User] Kid's been having night terrors. Woke up in the middle of one in full respiratory arrest.

[Assistant] Stress induced panic attack. Tell the parents to lay off the grades. The world needs fry cooks too.


[User] Does great in school. The parents are divorced, but it was amicable. And the dad's moved out of state.

[Assistant] Have you seen Wilson around?


[User] The dreams are about an ugly, old hag trying to strangle him. [House turns and looks at Foreman, interested. He pushes the elevator door open with his cane.] The family's Hmong.

[Assistant] SUNDS � sudden unexpected nocturnal death syndrome, aka BS name for "no one's figured out why they died."� Over 100 in the early '80s. Only male. Only Hmong. Healthy right up until the moment they died in their sleep.


[User] What about obstructive sleep apnea?

[Assistant] Sleep apnea wouldn't have caused breathing pRoblems after he woke up. What did you dream of?


[User] I nEver remember my dreams.

[Assistant] But you're certain that they're insignificant. Defensively so.


[User] I was defending science.

[Assistant] You were defensively defending science.


[User] Or an upper respiratory infection.

[Assistant] Okay, Chase and Park, start IV antibiotics for pneumonia. Taub and Adams, go check the home for toxins.


[User] Could I go with Taub? It was my idea.

[Assistant] Right! 'cause for a moment there, I thought you were uncomfortable around Chase because you'd had a nocturnal Australian. [She looks uncomfortable. Taub, Adams look at Chase who looks at Park.] You can go with whoEver you want. But all of you, read all of these files.


[User] No.

[Assistant] I had a dream.


[User] House! we can talk later.

[Assistant] Relax, I'm a doctor. Your spectacular breasts mean nothing to me.


[User] Later. [He starts to go back inside.]

[Assistant] I had sex with Dominika.


[User] In a dream?

[Assistant] It wasn't literally sex. Technically, it was flossing. You know, teeth, testicles. I think the symbolism is pretty clear.


[User] He's stable, but we've obviously got a second symptom.

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, kid in V-tach. Tell me about the luau in his bedroom.


[User] It's a traditional Hmong ceremony that's supposed to call back the kid's soul.

[Assistant] Hasn't he heard of Star-69?


[User] The heart thing indiCates a malignant arrhythmia. He needs an E.P. study.

[Assistant] How Many of the other files showed malignant arrhythmias?


[User] None, but�

[Assistant] Forget the E.P.


[User] What about acute pericarditis? Explains the dyspnea.

[Assistant] How Many of the other files�


[User] It's exacerbated by lying supine, so the symptoms would get worse when he goes to sleep. Just like all 100 of the others.

[Assistant] [nods] Do an echo to check the pericardium. See if you can find any cardioactive toxins in the home samples.


[User] Can I just say that I very much enjoy my job?

[Assistant] No, no, please. No need to apologize for your earlier behavior. [He opens a bag and drops a plastic take-out container on the desk.] Floss was mint pRobably because of this green G-string she hangs up to dry in the bathroom.


[User] [checking the time] My watch must have stopped. Apparently it's already "nEver."�

[Assistant] You might want to forward your calls. You do not want the Reader's Digest version on this. There was a very tight hygienist's uniform, suggestive use of the water sprayer�


[User] When you invite me for dinner, I thought maybe you take me to a restaurant. Or have plates.

[Assistant] Yeah, sorry. Idiot delivery guy forgot them.


[User] Mm! The idiot delivery guy, or the idiot guy whose food you stole from lounge refrigerator, huh?

[Assistant] You've gotten to know me pretty well.


[User] [grinning] My citizenship depends on it, right?

[Assistant] Yeah! that's actually why I wanted to talk to you.


[User] [instantly serious and excited] You heard news?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] So what news? They want us to come in for another interview?

[Assistant] No. [Long pause. House looks away and down before reestablishing eye contact.] Since we hadn't heard anything, I"�I called, and they said it's gonna be a couple weeks, maybe a month till they finalize their decision.


[User] A month?

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. It sucks.


[User] No, it's � it's not suck to live with you. It's been fun, but! you know, I just want to be legal.

[Assistant] And you will be. Absolutely. In the meantime!


[User] Hmm?

[Assistant] Have you Ever shot anyone?


[User] Yeah, that's the issue, not that we have no rational explanation for how the Patient spoke a language he's nEver Even heard.

[Assistant] I've got one. Dang tong lee twah. It means "you're a bunch of pathetic idiots" in Hmong. [He turns his laptop around so they can see the screen with the computer translator on it.] Or it doesn't. But you wouldn't know because none of you speak Hmong. Kid, on the other hand, is presumably fluent in gibberish.


[User] The grandfather speaks Hmong. He translated.

[Assistant] He heard what he wanted to hear, 'cause if his grandson really is possessed, that means his son really is possessed, which is a giant step up from being a sledgehammering psychopath.


[User] Scleroderma, advanced to the point that it's affecting his brain?

[Assistant] [nods slightly] Interesting.


[User] So we should start treating�

[Assistant] Interesting that you keep falling for it when I say "interesting."� The scleroderma part was idiotic � we'd have seen skin involvement. The interesting part is that you and Park agree, but you're not able to look at each other.


[User] I'm looking at him. [She does.]

[Assistant] Good, now lick your lips.


[User] Rasmussen's encephalitis. Diffuse spotty inflammation could hit the autonomic centers of the brain.

[Assistant] Cha mo tie mia boo chang. It's Hmong for "get an MRI to confirm."�


[User] Yeah, you are.

[Assistant] Apparently, there are some things about you I don't know.


[User] I served one year in police unit.

[Assistant] And you're just telling your husband now?


[User] Immigration doesn't know. No need for husband to know. [House's beeper goes off. He checks the message.] What is happening to boy with demons?

[Assistant] Absence of evidence on an MRI, which my team has mistaken for evidence of absence.


[User] [She sends a fresh target out.] This is what I am not understanding: How can you beliEve in dark matters but not in dark spirits? Is"�is the idea of demons so different than the Higgs boson? We can't see it, but we can see the impact of its presence. [He stares at her.] I borrowed your physics book. I read while in bathroom.

[Assistant] You're a dead-eye shot and enjoy reading quantum physics on the crapper?


[User] I read in bathtub.

[Assistant] Better image. Thank you.


[User] He had the dream, and then he had the bruising.

[Assistant] More likely � and by "likely,"� I mean "rationally"� � it's the other way around. His brain felt the pain in his neck and created the dream to explain it.


[User] Is it really preposterous that dreams can have physical Manifestations?

[Assistant] Well, short answer is�


[User] Thoughts during sleep can and do cause physical changes.

[Assistant] Is that right, Dr. Park? Did you wake up this morning experiencing physical changes? It's medically relevant.


[User] Her dream doesn't mean anything. Can we start acting like it doesn't mean anything?

[Assistant] Sure. We could also start acting like walls don't mean anything, but then we'd hurt our noses. You've been taking the high road. You haven't been teasing in an obviously teasable situation because you know it does mean something. She hates the dream because it makes her feel vulnerable. You love the dream because it makes you feel superior. The poor lass who can't help but fall sway to your charms, and you're bestowing upon her the gift of illusory irrelevance.


[User] I refuse to divulge my dreams about girl-on-girl loofa action. The bruising could indiCate anemia, a vitamin C deficiency, or Even leukemia.

[Assistant] That is so weird that you and I had the same dream. I assume yours also ends with me aParkeving ecstasy while simultaneously placing third in the New York City marathon.


[User] Third?

[Assistant] I'm a realist. Liver failure can cause gibberish from encephalopathy, constipation, bruising, and breathing pRoblems.


[User] Hepatic fibrosis could hit someone his age.

[Assistant] So let's hit his liver. Get a biopsy.


[User] He was levitating.

[Assistant] Cool. So the one thing we know for sure is he was not levitating.


[User] Yes, but then I would have come into the room and reported that the Patient was weirdly arParkng his back off the bed. [House grabs his cane and gets up.] It was his whole body. He was levitating.

[Assistant] So Many questions! starting with why did Chase address his comment to someone who wasn't Even in the room? Hocus pocus, on my feet you idiots must focus. Uh! uh! extreme! drained!


[User] The kid's not a magician.

[Assistant] Of course not. He's the lovely assistant. 'Cause grandpa pig sticker is waving the wand. Middling with! is Chase trying to avoid Taub, or is he trying to prove that he's not avoiding Park?


[User] Except he wasn't!

[Assistant] Tetanus wouldn't cause that kind of breathing difficulty. And ending with! if Chase is trying not to avoid Park, why is he doing this today and not yesterday?


[User] But hypocalcemia could, and the enema we administered to cure his constipation had a high phosphorous load, which could make him transiently hypocalcemic.

[Assistant] It's a long shot, but at least it has the benefit of being rational. Go pump up his electrolytes and start beta-blockers. And good news for Park: I think Chase had a sex dream about you.


[User] Why not? As long as he doesn't feed the kid anything or put anything on his skin that we haven't verified is harmless, what's the pRoblem?

[Assistant] I agree. And since we're establishing a new policy of "What the hell, we'll try anything,"� I'd like to hire Shakira to belly dance while singing Waka Waka.


[User] As long as you get the mom and Shakira to consent. It's no different than having a priest or rabbi lead a prayer vigil. The mom is scared and confused and desperate for anything that'll give her hope.

[Assistant] True. But in the long run, I think you'll be happier having our Lawyer declare her unfit. That way you won't be ratifying superstition over science, and I'll still be working here.


[User] And why would that make me happier? [House didn't see that one coming.] You're not going anywhere, and we're not "ratifying"� their beliefs, we're respecting them.

[Assistant] You do realize it may involve animal sacrifice. [Oops. Foreman didn't see that one.] People who live in glass hospitals should not throw exorcisms.


[User] This came in the mail today!

[Assistant] I'm sorry. I should've told you.


[User] Told me what? I don't understand.

[Assistant] What's the letter?


[User] It's from my Uncle in Poland. My Aunt Luba, they put her in nursing home two months ago!

[Assistant] That's too bad.


[User] My mother, I talk to her twice a week and she nEver Even mentioned it. Wh"�what does she think? That I can't handle? I am 29 years old! I am not a Parkld! [He hugs her and she clings to him like a Parkld. She sniffles a couple of times.] Were you going out tonight?

[Assistant] I could stay.


[User] He's got normal carotid pulses.

[Assistant] Who cares? Mom's given up, why shouldn't I?


[User] Her kid levitated. That happens to my girl, I'm expanding my diagnostic horizons.

[Assistant] All the more reason why we should shut down. We cure this kid now, crazy grandpa and his magic beads get all the credit.


[User] And since when do you care about credit?

[Assistant] Since when do I care about this kid? All I care about is sending mommy out into the world having faith in faith. Kid's better off dead. As soon as she's done appeasing the gods, let's talk.


[User] Which means he needs a coronary bypass.

[Assistant] It can't be Kawasaki. Echo would have shown it. But a patent ductus arteriosis�


[User] It can't be a PDA. He's not an infant, nor has he had any symptoms for eight years.

[Assistant] Maybe he has. Maybe he had an infected ductus, which we inadvertently treated with antibiotics.


[User] So no evidence is evidence of evidence?

[Assistant] I'm just saying, it's consistent.


[User] It's a billion-to-one.

[Assistant] Which means there's sEven people in the world who fit the diagnosis.


[User] I thought we were looking for 100.

[Assistant] Well, maybe PDA is more common than we thought. With idiot doctors like you�


[User] [snaps at House] You're wrong. [calmer] But the treatment's just ibuprofen. Closes the malformed duct. Worst-case scenario, he just doesn't get better

[Assistant] No, worst-case scenario is you piss me off�


[User] You're not gonna let us save an eight-year-old because one more person might embrace religion?

[Assistant] Does anyone here think my diagnosis is right? [No one moves.] Well, then I have decided for today only, to respect your opinions. We will proceed according to your diagnosis and nothing else. That's an order. Good luck.


[User] Dinner's almost ready.

[Assistant] I think I'll stick with the fluids tonight, thanks.


[User] [entering] Why are you sulking?

[Assistant] I'm not sulking.


[User] Ohhh, my mistake. [She gets on the bed next to him, takes his glass and takes a sip.] Mmm.

[Assistant] Either religion is killing a kid, or I am. [She looks at him for a moment then slides over and straddles him.] What are you doing?


[User] Comforting my husband after a bad day. [She smiles and strokes his face then leans down and kisses him. He doesn't respond. He looks terrified � too scared to Even breathe.] If this is not what you want, I go back to making dinner.

[Assistant] I'm not gonna answer that.


[User] Oh, smart Man. [after more kissing] This is killing mood. [She turns toward the phone, sees the caller ID and gets excited.] U.S. citizenship!

[Assistant] I'll get it.


[User] [gets to the phone first] This is Mrs. House, please give good news, so my husband and I can go back to sex. Budmo! [Буд�мо! means "Cheers!"�] Is fantastic! [The person on the other end says something and her smile fades. She looks at House who drops eye contact and looks guilty.] How Many notices you send me? O"�okay, I"�I"�I! I"�I come pick up naturalization certifiCate. Thank you for calling.

[Assistant] I'm sorry.


[User] [with a slight smile] Just testing my theory.

[Assistant] Adams defied me. There's one more zealot in the world. [sits on the couch] And Dominika moved out. She was fun. She was hot. She fixed my blender. That is not a metaphor. You know any good fake divorce Lawyers? I am surprisingly depressed by this.


[User] I have cancer.

[Assistant] You were a little short with me the other day. You do need an excuse. Cancer may be overplaying it.


[User] Oh, Em. Emily. Honey? (yelling loudly) Help me!

[Assistant] (entering the room) Is that our precious little bundle of tumor? They grow up so fast, don't they?


[User] How did you know I was here?

[Assistant] How do you think?


[User] Foreman.

[Assistant] Actually, that would have been easier. No, I followed you.


[User] It didn't occur to you that that might mean I don't want you involved in my cancer treatment?

[Assistant] I'm not here as a doctor. I'm here as a towering pillar of strength.


[User] Be a pillar in the Parking lot.

[Assistant] No. How Many times have I told you I wanted to be alone and you've made yourself a pain in the ass? I owe you. My word, not a word.


[User] What � what are you doing?

[Assistant] (mixing himself a drink) My best friend has cancer. Cut me some slack. Also, spring break. I'm on vacation. (House puts an umbrella in his drink and settles back on the couch) Although looking at you now, I can tell the wet t-shirt contest is pRobably gonna suck.


[User] (to House) Hey, you need to talk to your friend. He's embarrassing himself. A doctor should be able to handle his own illness with a little bit more dignity.

[Assistant] I agree with Wilson.


[User] My recommended treatment is sound.

[Assistant] No, I meant about the ball-less part. Explains the office. (House leaves the office)


[User] We've spent a lot of time in hospitals.

[Assistant] B-9.


[User] Hit. And I hate you. (drinking a shot of liquor) Ugh. I'm done.

[Assistant] (peeking around the pizza box lids) I sunk your battleship?


[User] (He lowers both lids so he can see House) No. But I think I'm gonna puke.

[Assistant] Good. Now that you're sufficiently buzzed, what was the reason behind you freaking out on Kondo? Are you scared? In denial?


[User] I know you get confused any time someone thinks that you're wrong, but it's not considered freaking out for a Patient to ask for a second opinion.

[Assistant] Okay, well, here it is. Kondo is right. You should be in radiology right now.


[User] Well done. You've kept your word for almost (looking at his watch) two hours.

[Assistant] Every day you wait, our pal toomie is growing larger in your chest. If you want to live, stop screwing around and do something about it.


[User] Go away. I have a headache.

[Assistant] (coming into the office) We don't have to have sex. Sometimes it's nice just to cuddle and talk. Me first. (He turns to face Wilson who is now paying attention) You don't want a second opinion. You're already on your fifth. You got Evans at Mercy, Shaw at County, Foster at Johns Hopkins. And Every one of them has given you the same advice. You're nuts. You don't just want chemo. You want a dose so high, there's a one-in-three chance it'll kill you outright. Question is, why didn't you tell me? Because you knew I'd stop you. Which means you've already found someone insane enough or desperate enough to give you what amounts to a death dose of chemicals. (House wanders back behind Wilson's desk) But who would be that stupid? I'm thinking that the who, is you. (holding up the bag) Where exactly were you planning on killing yourself? 'Cause I don't think Foreman is gonna let you do it here.


[User] No. No! Stop. (trying to explain) I'm still healthy. Why not go the extreme route now when there's a better chance of surviving it?

[Assistant] Statistically, this treatment has about the same chance of killing you as the thymoma does. But a hell of a lot faster.


[User] (turning back to face House) I am not going to die slowly in a hospital bed under fluorescent lighting with people stopping by to gawk and lie about how I look. Even a small chance of that happening is too big a chance for me.

[Assistant] (walking toward the door) You're an idiot. And the odds say you're gonna die. We'll do it at my place. (He leaves, shutting the door behind him)


[User] She needs an ultrasound guided renal biopsy to check the damage. Hopefully it's rEversible. (Chase and Adams leave. Elizabeth looks devastated)

[Assistant] (picking up his drink) To stupidity. (pausing) Mm, not quite done. To muscle aches, spasms. To your joints feeling like they're being ripped out and replaced with shards of broken glass.


[User] Should I be writing any of this down?

[Assistant] Your stomach fills with bile. When you vomit, it feels like someone's forcing a white-hot hammer down your esophagus, tearing your flesh. Blood's dripping down the back of your throat, choking and gagging you with the slick, coppery taste of burnt pennies.


[User] I am an Oncologist. I know�

[Assistant] If you did, we wouldn't be sitting here. Day two: Your white blood cells are gone, opening up your system to attack. Your temperature skyrockets. One second, your skin feels like it's on fire. The next second, it's entombed in ice. Every pain sensor in your body is firing at the same time until agony isn't Even a word or a concept � it's your only reality. You hallucinate. You dream of death. And then the race begins. Can your body claw its way back in time before the hostile organisms and parasites claim you perManently? Win, you live. Lose, you die. (He takes a sip of his martini) Now, what are we doing here, Wilson?


[User] It's definitely not her kidneys.

[Assistant] Promise this'll taste just as good coming up as it did going down.


[User] If things go wrong, I just want you to know�

[Assistant] If you're gonna say that you've always been secretly gay for me, Everyone always just kind of assumed it.


[User] I just want you to know! that I appreciate the risk you're taking! Pumping a huMan being full of lethal chemicals in your living room. If I die, it pRobably won't go over well with your pRobation Officer.

[Assistant] That's not gonna be an issue.


[User] I'm glad at least one of us is confident.

[Assistant] Not me. I've already identified a couple of spots to dump your body if this goes south.


[User] I've always enjoyed Trinity Park.

[Assistant] It does have a nice access to the lake. Muscle spasms already?


[User] No. It's nothing really.

[Assistant] Good news. Takes most people two bags to get to that stage. You're way ahead of schedule.


[User] You'll think it's stupid.

[Assistant] That hasn't stopped you before.


[User] I just always thought, when I got old or sick, I'd have a wife or kids to look after me.

[Assistant] (coming out of the kitchen) And in this scenario, are your loving wife and kids holding the life support cord, or are they thumbing through your will? (House stops behind the couch) I'm in it, right?


[User] Mm.

[Assistant] You have Everything you need right here. We both do. Painkiller. Industrial strength. LEvel: Awesome. We're on vacation.


[User] (crying out in pain) I don't know. (looking up at John) I shouldn't have done this. (pausing) Am I dead?

[Assistant] Not yet. It just feels that way. Are you okay? I mean, apart from the pain, vomiting, diarrhea, and cramps?


[User] You lied. Doesn't taste better coming back up.

[Assistant] Here's another one. You look good.


[User] What's the white blood cell count?

[Assistant] It's down to 1,000, still dropping.


[User] I need more morphine.

[Assistant] We're out. You've been using my personal supply of painkillers for the last eight hours.


[User] You have � you have enough for both of us?

[Assistant] I've got enough stashed around here for a minyan.


[User] (he groans as he props himself up enough to drink) Mm.

[Assistant] Just remember they're a gift. So it's rude to keep throwing them up. Found that out with those candlesticks you got me.


[User] No. We can't protect her from Everything. (putting up the bed rail) I assume you'll need a lumbar puncture to confirm.

[Assistant] You lost a contact?


[User] (not looking up) Going to the little boy's room.

[Assistant] They're called adult diapers for a reason. Use it.


[User] I did, and if you think I'm gonna let you change me�

[Assistant] (trying again to help Wilson up) It's okay. I'm a doctor.


[User] It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. An oncologist with cancer. Of all the things that could be killing me! It's like the universe is giving me the big middle finger.

[Assistant] (gingerly sitting down on the floor beside Wilson) The universe doesn't care�


[User] (angrily) Why me? I'm always telling my Patients not to torture themselves, because there's no answer.

[Assistant] Sound advice.


[User] (breathing heavily) It's cruel advice. They were just trying to make sense of what was happening to them, and I'm there telling them not to bother? I should have spent my life being more like you. Should have been a Manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic ass, who brought misery to Everything and Everyone in his life.

[Assistant] You'd still have cancer.


[User] She's having a stroke.

[Assistant] Okay, your heart rate's up, BP's tanking. White blood count's


[User] No.

[Assistant] I don't have the equipment or the meds to handle this.


[User] No. Win or lose. Win or lose. That was the deal.

[Assistant] (clearly worried) That was the deal when there was an "or". You can't win this.


[User] (shaking his head) No. No. I'd rather die here. (crying) Not in an ambulance. Not in a hospital. Please, you can't do that to me. I can't � (Wilson grabs a fistful of House's t-shirt. House places his hand on Wilson's head) House! Please. Promise me that you won't do that to me. Promise me.

[Assistant] Okay, I promise.


[User] (sounding a bit better) Wow. You � you really look like crap.

[Assistant] (nodding) Been fighting a cold lately. SEven to ten days for the swelling to go down. Then we rescan and schedule the surgery.


[User] I seem to recall, I said some things to you�

[Assistant] You talked a lot. I stopped listening after you confessed your fear of dolphins. Can we just tone down the broMance a few notches? My leg is killing me.


[User] I thought you said you had plenty of Vicodin.

[Assistant] Everybody lies.


[User] So the way I felt, you feel that, what, most of the time? It really does suck being you, doesn't it?

[Assistant] At least I don't have cancer.


[User] Yes, it's mine. And yes, I know that I can't drive stick. And no, I don't care that I Parked in a handicapped spot.

[Assistant] "Staring death in the face has changed my life." What a clich�.


[User] The clich� is to lead a more meaningful life. I've taken a holy vow to lead a less meaningful one. I've spent my life caring, giving, and searParkng for the profound. Now it's time for selfishness, indifference, and embracing the shallow. [He pushes a button on the car remote but activates the horn instead of locking the car. Then it is the car's trunk, which opens. Wilson pushes it down. They both walk side by side to the elevator.]

[Assistant] Your scan's in three days. Tell me this isn't just you killing time until you find out if your cancer's gonna kill it for you.


[User] I just paid $75,000 for a ridiculously impractical car, the depth of shallowness. And tomorrow, I'm driving it to ClEveland to meet my boyhood crush.

[Assistant] The years have not been kind to David Cassidy. [He pushes the button to call the elevator.]


[User] Julie Christie. Dr. Zhivago, Shampoo. I was precocious. She's opening some kind of charity animal clinic or something. I'm neglecting my Patients to fulfill a silly fantasy. Textbook selfishness and indifference.

[Assistant] Or you've made sure that your Patients are well-covered, the car is a rental, and while waiting to get Julie Christie's autograph, you'll adopt a puppy.


[User] He tried to cut open his own skull. Head CT and tox screen were clean.

[Assistant] Interesting. Cotard delusion. Also known as "walking corpse syndrome." Disconnect in the Amygdala convinces you that you're secretly dead. Case solved. [He closes the file, hands it to Foreman and gets up to go to the coffee maParkne.] Rendering it! What's the past tense of "interesting?"


[User] How's Wilson doing?

[Assistant] Wilson's scan is at the end of the week. If his kick-ass chemo shrunk the tumor to an operable size, he'll live. If it didn't, he'll die.


[User] That must be very hard. Is there anything we can do?

[Assistant] Other than the prayer circle, what is there?


[User] Thought we'd make it a road trip. '80s music, junk food, beer.

[Assistant] I have a dental appointment. That I'm going to make now. [He reaches for the phone.]


[User] Ah. I'll let you drive.

[Assistant] Not worth listening to you whine about your feelings and fears for three days.


[User] It's not gonna happen. I've taken a vow.

[Assistant] People don't change. You are a person, ergo, pass.


[User] But we found enough of this! [He throws a can of the energy drink to House who grabs it.] !to reanimate the entire morgue. He's jacked on caffeine.

[Assistant] Stimulant psychosis. How Many times do I have to solve this case?


[User] What?

[Assistant] I'm"�I'm impressed. Not by that. But by your real effort to maintain the facade. It's been almost an hour, and there's been no mention of the elephant in the car.


[User] Well, I declined the elephant option.

[Assistant] Uh-huh. In three days, you're gonna find out if you live or die. You don't want to talk about it.


[User] No, but obviously you do.

[Assistant] So, we're gonna talk about it, but because I want to.


[User] I am neither talking about it, nor talking about not talking about it.

[Assistant] You are hard-wired to talk about it. It's how you cope, it's who you are.


[User] Yeah, well, from now on, I'm not me. I'm! I'm! Kyle Calloway.

[Assistant] I thought your porn name was Rusty Packard.


[User] Kyle is roguish, carefree, and shares no qualities with Wilson.

[Assistant] Can Kyle drive stick?


[User] Home of the Big One"�. House and Wilson are sitting at a table, looking at the menu.]

[Assistant] If we had a phone, we could've found somewhere a little less charming.


[User] If we had a phone, you'd be making calls, downloading porn, and playing Angry Birds. This trip is about me, and I like this place.

[Assistant] This is not about you not wanting me to have a phone. You're weak. You knew that you'd backslide and spend your time talking to teary ex-wives and your parents, trying to make them feel better about you being sick. [The waitress approaches them.] Bacon burger with fries looks awful. I'll have that.


[User] I'm hungry. And an iced tea, please.

[Assistant] This place doesn't take credit cards.


[User] Uh, no. Not fine. We need to talk�

[Assistant] Come on, you got this! You got this! Come on! [A look at the clock: 25 seconds left for Wilson to finish his meal.]


[User] 25 seconds.

[Assistant] You've got this. Come on, home stretch, Kyle, home stretch!


[User] 15 seconds!

[Assistant] Now, don't chew, just swallow. Just muscle it down!


[User] Three, two, one!Time!

[Assistant] Yes! Yes! Oh, you magnificent bastard! [He hugs Wilson.]


[User] Ah!

[Assistant] Must be nice to be puking for the old-fashioned reasons.


[User] I want a threesome.

[Assistant] Shouldn't we try a twosome first?


[User] Two women.

[Assistant] Oh.


[User] I know they're pRobably overrated, and I'll pRobably be gravely disappointed, but I want one anyway.

[Assistant] No, you don't.


[User] Well, Kyle wants one.

[Assistant] Kyle's only one day old. He doesn't know what he wants. I don't want to think about consequences. I don't want to think about � I don't want to think about anything. I just want to! do. [House gives him a resigned look.] okay. I need you to do exactly what I tell you.


[User] This thing is peeling.

[Assistant] Well, that is the cost of cowardice. Should've gone for the real thing.


[User] I feel like I'm cheating.

[Assistant] A, it is only cheating if you don't have cancer, and B, it's Wednesday afternoon. Pickings are slim, and more importantly, sober. The cancer cut is the surest way to the pity pooty party. [He puts a baseball cap on Wilson's head. Then he looks intensively at a young Woman sitting at the bar.] One down, one to go. She's empathetic. Gave me a cancer rate.


[User] No. I have nEver paid for sex in my life.

[Assistant] You still haven't. It's my treat. It's either that, or you find two very open-minded women to fall in love with you in the next hour. [Wilson looks at his watch, then notices the Bartender.]


[User] Bartender seems nice.

[Assistant] Seems female.


[User] Want something to eat?

[Assistant] My friend is dying of cancer.


[User] Oh, you poor thing. It took my mother two years ago. But you can't give up hope. [She pats him on the shoulder.]

[Assistant] He's pretty much resigned. Just wants to go out with a bang. And another pun, what time do you get off? [She smiles at them.]


[User] Apparently they left a long time ago.

[Assistant] So, how was it? Was the amateur as good as the pro?


[User] It was confusing. Perfunctory. A bit sad.

[Assistant] NEver mind.


[User] Biopsy his heart.

[Assistant] Wallets go in the minibar freezer. If there's no minibar, the toilet tank. I've got exactly! [He counts his money.] $20 left.


[User] I'm sorry, I wasn't familiar with hooker protocol. We can use your credit cards.

[Assistant] No, we won't. I'm still on pRobation. Leaving the state without permission will really P.O. my P.O.


[User] We have enough gas to get to Julie. I don't care about anything else. [House stares at Wilson in silence.] What this time?

[Assistant] Just wondering how long this can last.


[User] You're still hoping that I'm gonna wake up and admit that Kyle Calloway is just some lame excuse to have some naughty thrills aren't you?

[Assistant] I'm actually hoping you won't. I like Kyle. [He puts his cap on backwards.]


[User] it's a funeral procession; the hearse is the first of a long parade of cars. House looks at Wilson, who seems! indifferent. He puts the car in gear and speeds past the cars.]

[Assistant] Whoo!


[User] Either you're right, and your friend is just really upset, or you're wrong, and he's come at this calmly and rationally, and you're about to lose a good doctor. Either way! [Foreman gives him a meaningful look. Taub leaves.]

[Assistant] This is Oubliette, Ohio. Buses don't run here after 1968.


[User] Ina said there's a bus Every 15 minutes.

[Assistant] Ina is living in Alzheimersville. [He looks at his watch.] Been here at least half an hour.


[User] Comes Every 15 minutes. Ben'll be wondering where his dinner is.

[Assistant] Cab. Bus isn't coming, Ina. But this cab is going to Naples.


[User] House.

[Assistant] We'll tell the cabbie to call the cops. They'll come pick her up, take care of her.


[User] Soap. It's the soap. [He holds up the bottle of soap, puts it down on the counter, and exits without a word, leaving the team behind.]

[Assistant] Oh, God, here it comes.


[User] I had the chance to fulfill a lifelong dream.

[Assistant] I swear, I will jump out of this moving bus if you don't shut up.


[User] But instead, I sat with a sad, old Woman for 1 1/2 hours who forgot I existed three seconds after she left. And the stupidest thing. I nEver Even had a crush on Julie Christie. [House understands he won't be able to escape the situation so he turns to look at Wilson.] In 12th grade I was madly in love with Melanie Robbins, who happened to look exactly like Julie Christie in Dr. Zhivago. And she really liked me. Played spades Every lunch period in Mr. Charlton's classroom. But of course, there was this other guy. A great guy. Very popular. He had a car. He had a band, a mustache!

[Assistant] Kyle would've ditched that sad, old Woman from the bus stop. PRobably would've ditched me too. I can live without Kyle. [They look at each other and give each other a small smile. No need to say anything else.] Snowball? [He has a couple of them with him!]


[User] Any news?

[Assistant] Not yet. You come here so I could talk you out of it?


[User] I came to say thank you.

[Assistant] It's been fun.


[User] Fun?

[Assistant] Sounded pithier than! "We've shared a variety of situations."


[User] Why did you let him go?

[Assistant] Legal loophole. 13th Amendment. Abraham Lincoln may have looked great in that hat, but his labor policies!ß [Suddenly, his eyes catch something on the monitor. He looks shocked.] Come on in.


[User] I'm not doing any more chemo.

[Assistant] (coming back to his front door) Good plan. You'll be dead in five months.


[User] We went for a cure. It didn't work. I've thought about this a lot. Five more months on this earth is reasonable. A year in the hospital in excruciating pain is! not.

[Assistant] With two weeks on, two weeks off of chemo, you'll have way more than a year, maybe two or three.


[User] House! I'm sorry.

[Assistant] I'm not gonna let you just die.


[User] (following House) Hey. You know, Management research shows that the best ideas come from casual contact. (House stops and turns toward Foreman) So! (He gives House a large envelope which reads "Hockey Season Starts Now"�) one set of season tickets. Got the seat next to you.

[Assistant] (opening the envelope) First game is October 8th. That's about one month after Wilson's expiration date. This isn't an unstructured collaboration. You're trying to be the new Wilson.


[User] I'm trying to show you there are other people who care about you.

[Assistant] Relax. I'm pRobably not gonna fall apart. (Foreman leaves)


[User] Five, six, sEven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, sEven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, sEven, eight. Here we go. Cradle! One, two, three, four�

[Assistant] (dumping his backpack on a chair) Put down the pom-poms. Step away from the computer. 46-year-old oncologist refuses treatment.


[User] Foreman already gave us a case. Wants us to keep things as normal as possible, for as long as possible.

[Assistant] Wilson is dying. Chase is gone. How close to normal do you think we can come?


[User] 19-year-old cheerleader admitted with massive nosebleed and dizziness.

[Assistant] Wow. Cool. I just completely forgot that my best friend is dying. Wait. That just reminded me.


[User] Head CT is clean.

[Assistant] How can we turn Wilson from a terminal idiot into an interminable pain in the ass?


[User] But not his bloody nose.

[Assistant] My best friend is trying to kill himself.


[User] He just wants to die with a little dignity.

[Assistant] There's no such thing.


[User] It's not your choice, House. Your only choice here is between acceptance and misery.

[Assistant] It's a midline granuloma. Get your Patient a PET scan.


[User] Not according to his brain. (indicating the monitor) His temporal lobe is completely lit up. Auditory portion. He's hearing something.

[Assistant] Foreman's trying to date me. I assume that's because you called him.


[User] No, I � did you! (slurred) put something in my coffee?

[Assistant] You know how you can be there for me five months from now? Don't be dead five months from now.


[User] Hey, Wils� (surveying the scene) seriously?

[Assistant] Just a little picker-downer. I assume this unwanted interruption means you're looking for me to discuss the latest dEvelopment in the case I don't want to discuss.


[User] He's at the right age for the onset of sParkzophrenia.

[Assistant] Yeah. You really need me. Ultrasound his abdomen to check for sParkzophrenia.


[User] Tox screen was clean.

[Assistant] Ultrasound his dorm.


[User] (groaning) Mm! Uhh!

[Assistant] And lo, he is risen.


[User] (pointing to the IV pole) So now my hair's gonna fall out next week?

[Assistant] No. All I did was temporarily kill you. How was it?


[User] What � I don't � I wasn't dead, I was unconscious.

[Assistant] No dreams, no thoughts. You experienced nothing. Now, imagine that without the waking up on the couch part. Just nothing times infinity.


[User] You didn't just prove death is nothing. You proved Propofol is.

[Assistant] You're saying the end is not the end? I was expecting "nothing is better than something lousy," but not "the angels are waiting for me."


[User] I'm not having this conversation.

[Assistant] Why? 'Cause it doesn't make sense?


[User] Because I'm not gonna change your mind, and I don't care. More importantly, you're not gonna change mine.

[Assistant] There is no heaven. There is no hell. Your soul is not gonna float out of your body and join some great unifying energy force. The fact that you're dying is not gonna change that.


[User] Don't know, because I don't know why it happened.

[Assistant] (from behind him) Hey. Saved us a table.


[User] There are no tables.

[Assistant] I recently hacked into your old files. Found a six-year-old boy with bilateral retinoblastoma. Doctors wanted to take his eyes out before the cancer spread to his brain, and you fought them. AdvoCated for a new photon beam radiation. Saved the kid's vision. PRobably saved his life.


[User] (speaking up from a nearby booth) It's Michael now.

[Assistant] Oh, yeah. This is our table.


[User] Oh! (laughing)

[Assistant] (breaking the light mood with a stern look) He's going to be a doctor instead of being dead.


[User] Dr. House told me all about your situation. That's why I came. There's just so much good that you can do, Even in a small amount of time.

[Assistant] I wonder! (loudly, to the whole cafeteria) Hey! Is there anybody else here who's alive today because of Dr. Wilson?


[User] Squamous cell lung cancer. 12 years in remission. I was able to walk my daughter down the aisle last May. Thank you, Dr. Wilson.

[Assistant] I did the math. 74 Parkldren are alive today because of you. 14 grandParkldren.


[User] (to the entire cafeteria) Was anybody in this room really a Patient of mine?

[Assistant] They're somewhere. They're giving you a standing "O" somewhere. They exist. You saved their lives. (calling out as Wilson leaves) Its actually more impressive that they're too busy to be here.


[User] House.

[Assistant] Your shoes are wet.


[User] Glad to see your emotional turmoil hasn't dulled your powers of observation. I know you're responsible.

[Assistant] No, you don't. 'Cause I didn't do it. WhatEver it is. But if I had shoved those season tickets down some toilets, I would have done it because you asked me to. You wanted to replace Wilson. I prank Wilson all the time. Enjoy. (House leaves the hospital)


[User] Friends or friend?

[Assistant] Hi, this is Greg House. Again. Third message, hopefully indicating how much I want you to call me back. I'd say that your son is dying to increase the urgency, but you pRobably already know that. (he ends the call) The fake people who care that Wilson stays alive didn't work, so I need the real people who care about him to tell him what an idiot he's being.


[User] Where are we going?

[Assistant] I just got paged to go to the bathroom. I don't know where the rest of you are going.


[User] Grief avoidance can lead to all sorts of anxiety disorders, which can Manifest into physical illness.

[Assistant] (pocketing the pill bottle and continuing down the hall) Let's assume! that all his symptoms are real symptoms.


[User] (motioning toward the bathroom) I thought you had to go to the bathroom.

[Assistant] I didn't say I had to go in.


[User] (spreading her arms wide) The prodigal daughter returns.

[Assistant] You taking me up on my offer to off you? Think I've still got some leftover propofol.


[User] (sitting down beside House) Spoke to Wilson.

[Assistant] He's angry because I want him to live longer. Who wouldn't be?


[User] Friends respect each other's decisions, Even if they don't agree with them. It's called loyalty.

[Assistant] Loyalty is a tool to get people to do things they don't wanna do.


[User] But you do want to. You may have rationalized it a hundred different ways, but the fact is, you fired me so that I'd be forced to spend the rest of my life doing exactly what I wanted to do. It was pRobably the most! selfless thing anyone has Ever done for me. And you don't Even like me that much.

[Assistant] I surrender. (entering the office) I have been a disloyal! disrespectful jerk. I should have listened to what you wanted.


[User] I'm still not letting my parents return your call.

[Assistant] (sitting down across from Wilson) I made a reservation for two at Carmine's. Tonight. 8:00. No more tricks. No more Manipulations.


[User] Said MaParkavelli.

[Assistant] Just! two friends enjoying the time they have left.


[User] Please, don't�

[Assistant] I'm not. I promise.


[User] Just dinner?

[Assistant] That depends on how much you have to drink.


[User] (laughing) 79-years old, and you told her she was pregnant.

[Assistant] Well, it cured her hiccups. I didn't expect her to cry for quite so long. (spotting the waiter as he approaches their table) Now, I know that the tiramisu is great here, but I actually ordered off-menu.


[User] (chuckling) Great. (picking up a cookie) I told you, you didn't hang the bear bag high enough.

[Assistant] (following Wilson's lead and picking up a cookie) It was a smart bear. I'm almost certain he untied my knots.


[User] Well, he wasn't that smart. He left the Oreos behind.

[Assistant] You hiked for 32 miles eating nothing but creAmy filling.


[User] The black stuff is overrated.

[Assistant] (toasting with their Oreos) To climbing the hill.


[User] (thinking) Okay. If I did decide to! stick around a little longer�

[Assistant] Don't do that to me Wilson.


[User] No, I'm not, I'm just � I do feel pretty good and I! Maybe I should try it for a little while.

[Assistant] (carefully) I! I think that's reasonable. (He takes a sip of coffee)


[User] Are you c-conning me? You're conning me.

[Assistant] Wha� just because you folded, that means it must be some evil plan?


[User] Well, that's usually how it works with you. You drown me in nostalgia so I'll think about our friendship and feel some kind of loyalty and agree to more chemo!

[Assistant] That was real nostalgia. It was real emotion, a real decision.


[User] A decision that I just made for you! (he sighs)

[Assistant] I need you, okay? I want you to be around as long as possible. 'Cause I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.


[User] (angrily) No. No. (getting up) Don't do that. I don't owe you anything. Our entire relationship has been about you. My dying is about me.

[Assistant] Look at you. You don't wanna die.


[User] (through clenched teeth) Of course, I don't wanna die!

[Assistant] Well, then fight.


[User] (very angry) I did! I tried.

[Assistant] One time.


[User] House, get out of my car.

[Assistant] You don't have to just accept this.


[User] Yes, I do have to accept this. I have five months to live, and you're making me go through this ALONE! (he sobs) I'm pissed because I'm dying, and it's not fair. And I need! I need a friend. I need to know that you're there. I need�I need you to tell me that my life! was worthwhile, and I! I need you to tell me that you love me.

[Assistant] (with tears in his eyes) No. I'm not gonna tell you that unless you fight.


[User] What are you doing back here?

[Assistant] We got a case. Assume the status is, Patient's getting worse. You guys are confused.


[User] You think actually showing up for work is enough to make up for ruining an MRI, endangering the Patient, injuring us?

[Assistant] I got an airtight alibi, that I'm working on.


[User] This isn't about the damage. You're back because something's going on with Wilson.

[Assistant] I'm done with Wilson.


[User] You can't just abandon him.

[Assistant] It's in his hands now. Get any good pictures before the MRI drowned?


[User] Enough to know it wasn't a migraine. And the Patient mistook me for Adams.

[Assistant] (motioning toward the team) Come with me. (to Derrick) Hey. So what do you think's gonna happen when I stick a needle into his eardrum?


[User] You quizzing us?

[Assistant] Oh, this is a good quiz.


[User] He'll scream in pain.

[Assistant] Don't listen to her. Very small needle, very steady hand.


[User] (grimacing as House inserts the needle) Ah!

[Assistant] Now, when I pull back on the plunger, what do you think's gonna come out?


[User] Air.

[Assistant] Boy, that air sure is red. Persistent stapedial artery. It should disappear in the embryonic stage, but just like his dead brother, he really can't let go. An artery's been pressing against the temporal lobe of his brain, right above the ear canal. It explains the voices, the dizziness, Everything. Now you guys can explain how we're gonna make him better.


[User] You're being an ass.

[Assistant] (continuing to walk down the hallway) I just cured a Patient. How 'bout you?


[User] You can't just give up on Wilson. You know he needs you. You know he's making an impossible choice. He just doesn't want to live in pain.

[Assistant] (shouting) Life is pain! I wake up Every morning, I'm in pain. I go to work in pain. You know how Many times I wanted to just give up? How Many times I thought about ending it? You here to yell at me or give me hockey tickets?


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] You can't wait to die? Here, let me help you.


[User] House!

[Assistant] See? You wanna live!


[User] He did something stupid. He's not gonna do it again.

[Assistant] You're resisting me because it's our huMan responsibility to stay alive!


[User] Did you throw it out? (Jen shakes her head) If I agree to get the surgery, can you bring that picture back? (Jen takes her son's hand in hers)

[Assistant] (loudly) Not home.


[User] (standing in the doorway) I'm ready to start the next round of chemo.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because you need me and! I don't think that's a bad thing anymore.

[Assistant] No. You're the only one I listen to. The last couple of days, I didn't, and I almost killed my Patient. So I think it's time for me to accept that! you're just smarter than I am.


[User] (shaking his head) Are you really okay that there's only five months left?

[Assistant] No. But it's better than nothing.


[User] Um! How do we start?

[Assistant] I'm not gonna say "I love you."


[User] (pointing) And this is the peak. Almost 8,000 feet.

[Assistant] You do realize that my leg situation has deteriorated a little since the last time we went hiking.


[User] This is Matt Johnson, the hospital Lawyer.

[Assistant] Yes. I have decided not to proceed with the sexual harassment case.


[User] (holding a large plastic bag full of the tickets which Foreman gave House) Are these yours? The plumber retriEved them from the hospital outflow pipe. They caused a sewage backup that ruined the MRI, and they have your name on them.

[Assistant] Gregory Danger House. It's! a very common name.


[User] These apparently have your fingerprints on them also.

[Assistant] (standing up) Why don't you tell me how Many hours of picking up trash you want me to do.


[User] You have to report to Mercer County Jail on Monday to serve out the rest of your sentence.

[Assistant] (swallowing hard) And that's! that's how long?


[User] I'm sorry.

[Assistant] (deManding) How long?


[User] (pausing) Six months.

[Assistant] [quietly] Hey.


[User] Don't bother. He's dead.

[Assistant] You're dead too.


[User] You might want to get up and start heading for the exit signs.

[Assistant] For all I know, I already am up. More interesting question is why would I hallucinate an ex-employee who I last saw with a self-inflicted gunshot wound, as opposed to someone more! busty? [Kutner takes his gum out of his mouth and looks around.] Care to explain why you're here?


[User] I was in a car accident last month.

[Assistant] I won a swimming trophy in high school. Your turn.


[User] I-I ran out of pain medication. I got an orbital fracture. It's just taking ages to heal.

[Assistant] Take off your shirt. [puts down the Patient file]


[User] My eye's up here. [points]

[Assistant] Orbital fracture means your face went into the windshield, which means your chest went into the steering wheel. Painkillers can suppress heart rate, so unless you want me to kill you, take off your shirt, let me do a heart exam.


[Assistant] I also wanted to see the ring of burns around your collarbone.


[User] How'd you know?

[Assistant] The codeine allergy you told the nurse about. That's shorthand for "give me the strong stuff," which matches your seen-better-days-because-my-life-fell-apart suit. The two old burns on your fingers mean you tend to nod off with a cigarette in your hand. No reason you shouldn't do that with one in your mouth. May all your doctors be stupid. [Annoyed, Oliver grabs his jacket and tie, preparing to leave.] Hold on a second. That bruising around your belly button. [He examines the streaky, purple bruise extending for sEveral inches in each direction.] Well, you might get some fun drugs out of this after all. Cullen's sign. But the ultrasound showed air as well as blood. Now, I know what you're thinking. Hemorrhagic pancreatitis. But I also know what I'm thinking. Doesn't explain the pneuomoperitoneum.


[User] You ran tests yourself?

[Assistant] I saw the chance to help someone in need, and I instinctively � Oh, no, wait, that was someone else's instinct.


[User] Wilson is dying. Your parole Officer is pRobably on his way here right now. How are you possibly in a good mood?

[Assistant] Did you nEver see Dead Poets Society? Carpe diem.


[User] Blah. Blah, blah.

[Assistant] Nobody cares about the medicine. It was a perforated ulcer. Laparotomy to find the hole in his tummy and close it up.


[User] You didn't answer the team's question.

[Assistant] Which is weird, because normally, when I talk to my own employees, I'm under oath and hooked up to a lie detector.


[User] You were looking at six months of prison instead of five months of Wilson. Why happy?

[Assistant] Obviously I had a plan.


[User] Obviously, obviously you had a plan. The more interesting question is why you didn't tell the team. I think it's because part of you knew from the start that the plan wouldn't work.

[Assistant] I need a meeting.


[User] I'm busy. Call my office.

[Assistant] [reaParkng into his pocket] Yes! because wobbly tables don't just unwobble themselves. I need a meeting. [Foreman hangs up. House puts his cell phone back in his pocket.] Thanks for fitting me in. My team has eight urgent, life-or-death cases that they've been waiting for me to accept or reject.


[User] When is that not true?

[Assistant] Well, right now, for one. But tell my parole board that I'm taking all eight! that no one else can crack them; that you need me here for the next five months or eight people will die.


[User] You're asking me to perjure myself.

[Assistant] It's a tiny, white lie. No offense. Especially since, from what I hear, nothing black is tiny. Except your penis, I guess. [Foreman pushes for the elevator] You really think I wanted to cave in that ceiling? It was a prank that went wrong. Dock my pay, sue me�


[User] Felony vandalism should have added another year or two to your sentence. It's a miracle the parole board agreed to six months.

[Assistant] [serious] I will go to jail, Eventually. I will pay the price. I just rather that Wilson didn't. Come on, be a friend.


[User] "Be a friend"?

[Assistant] How Many fingers am I holding up? [He puts his hand behind his back.] Of course you know it's three, because you know Everything I know. Everything my smack-addled brain can remember, including that I actually said, "be a friend."


[User] Why do you want to kill yourself?

[Assistant] Well, here's a reason. I can't Even get stoned without some annoying jerk deciding I need to be deeply analyzed. Isn't this just an incredibly simple calculation? I'm going to jail, losing my job, losing my best friend. Do I need more?


[User] You think that's the sum total of who you are? A doctor? A friend to Wilson?

[Assistant] I'm also a tremendous baritone. Now go away.


[User] Stop being an idiot.

[Assistant] Can I have Kutner back, please?


[User] How much pathetic wallowing do I have to sit through?

[Assistant] How are things in hell? Is the humidity the big issue?


[User] What happened next with the guy's medical case?

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Exactly. Why am I, meaning you, still obsessing about this case? Obviously we think it's relevant to why we're still sitting on the floor of a burning building.

[Assistant] There was a code.


[User] What are you doing? What did you give him?

[Assistant] Five! four! three! two!


[User] [his eyes pop open and he flails at the doctors] Ahhh! Arg!! Ahhh!

[Assistant] Naloxone. We should've got suspicious when his visiting cousin signed in as "Mr. Tar H. Horse." Heroin caused the respiratory distress. The naloxone turned off the receptors, caused your distress.


[User] [shouting] I'm not gonna stop doing drugs! It's reality that sucks!

[Assistant] You're saying I'm lying! to my subconscious?


[User] People do it all the time. And like it or not, you are a person.

[Assistant] He said Every one of those things.


[User] But not then and not like that. This guy was going nuts from the naloxone. He couldn't be rational if you wanted him to be, which you did. Why?

[Assistant] I compressed the story a little�


[User] jttpgyix matters. You nEver talk to Patients for non-diagnostic reasons, but this guy!

[Assistant] Feeling better?


[User] I'm not gonna stop doing drugs.

[Assistant] You were a stockbroker. Son of a stockbroker. Married, Parkldren.


[User] I was miserable.

[Assistant] Well, you say you were miserable because you need to rationalize screwing it up.


[User] Except I didn't. I mean, I-I did. But I'm not miserable. Not anymore. [House, fascinated, studies Oliver's faces as he talks.] I had a ski injury and painkillers weren't enough, and a friend of mine gave me some heroin. The second it entered my veins, it was like! God had taken over my body. It was like there was no more pain or unhappiness in my life or anybody else's.

[Assistant] But then you lost Everything.


[User] Are you arguing that he's a good role model?

[Assistant] He's happy.


[User] You're stealing this guy's oxygen?

[Assistant] There's oxygen Everywhere.


[User] You passed on all your cases, reassigned them to other doctors.

[Assistant] They weren't interesting.


[User] They were my reason for getting your sentence delayed!

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I guess you'll have to tell the parole board something else. Maybe that I was in the O.R. the entire day the ceiling collapsed, so I couldn't have caused the plumbing pRoblem.


[User] You set me up.

[Assistant] Not really. You were going to basically perjure yourself so that I could delay jail time. Doesn't it make more sense to actually perjure yourself so that I can actually avoid jail time?


[User] Why are you doing this? Why are you risking destroying yourself?

[Assistant] There's no risk. I know you. You'll do the honest thing. You'll lie.


[User] No.

[Assistant] He's happy.


[User] You weren't worried.

[Assistant] Of course I was worried. My plan fell through.


[User] The plan didn't matter. Your plan to replace that plan didn't matter. Wilson didn't matter. Jail didn't matter. The only thing that mattered, the only thing that Ever mattered, was the puzzle.

[Assistant] I noticed a slight twitch in his thenar eminence, which meant! [to Oliver] You're dying.


[User] Because my thumb's a little shaky?

[Assistant] Plus the thinning in the muscle, plus that speech you gave at Yankee Stadium saying you were the luckiest Man on the face of the earth. Add them up, it means ALS.


[User] Lou Gehrig's disease? You're trapped in your body; you can't move or speak while you just die?

[Assistant] If it makes you feel any better, at this rate, it'll be fast. [As Oliver drops his head onto his pillow, House, standing on the right side of the bed, continues to observe him.] You're not symmetrical.


[User] Wait. Now you're standing at the door. What happened in the meantime?

[Assistant] And lo, there was a miraculous wonder � I walked across the room.


[User] No, you just skipped over a chunk of conversation.

[Assistant] He swore that he would live a better and more selfless life in his remaining time, blah, blah, blah. After two blahs, I'd heard enough. I moved to the door.


[User] No, you're avoiding it.

[Assistant] Do you smell smoke?


[User] [accepting his reason for editing his report] Fair enough.

[Assistant] [to Oliver] You're not symmetrical. The veins on your right side are distended.


[User] What does that mean?

[Assistant] [examining Oliver's neck] There's a bulge in your superclavicular notch. There's something in there.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Well, I'm not that good a doctor. [pulls over an ultrasound maParkne and checks Oliver's neck] Good news: your case is fascinating. And good news for you: you're gonna live. [voice over] You've inhaled a small branch, pRobably while you were realizing that it's all worth it, while you were passed out on a Park bench. Anyone else would have coughed it up, but 'cause you're a junkie, your cough reflex is suppressed.


[User] [voice over] And it grew?

[Assistant] [voice over] Not unless you also inhaled a chunk of the sun and a drip-irrigation system, you idiot. It set off an auto-immune reaction, which � I can't help saying this � was the root of all your pRoblems. [Taub holds up a small piece of a fir branch, including the needles.]


[User] You're smiling.

[Assistant] I was, and now I'm not. Because a moment's fun a few days ago does not trump a friend dying.


[User] [staring down at him] Yeah, it does, you idiot. 'Cause after he's dead, you cry for a while, and then you go back to doing what you love.

[Assistant] Every Patient that I've had, 70 years from now, they'll all be as dead as Wilson. Everybody dies. It's meaningless.


[User] What about God? You were leaving, and then you stopped. Why?

[Assistant] Your theory is I'm not leaving, because I beliEve in God? What, he's calling me home?


[User] Maybe falling through that floor was a sign. Maybe that the universe hates you. Something. You really don't beliEve? Really? Not in some deep crack of some remote recess of some dark corner of your mind?

[Assistant] No. Except that some deep crack of some remote recess of some dark corner is here telling me�


[User] That's enough. In a burning building, facing imminent death, that's more than enough.

[Assistant] Pascal's wager is facile.


[User] Saying it's facile is facile. Why is it wrong? [He stares at her.] Don't be logical, be desperate. You gotta have something to hold on to.

[Assistant] You can't live your life based on something you don't beliEve.


[User] But you can end your life based on something you don't beliEve? What about love? I lived with you for years. I know you beliEve in love.

[Assistant] Foreman wouldn't help me, which means I need you to take the fall.


[User] You do remember I'm dying, right?

[Assistant] Which is you will nEver spend a day in jail. Fresh-faced, cancer-ridden. It's tough to do both, but you pull it off.


[User] Your fingerprints are all over those hockey tickets.

[Assistant] I nEver admitted to flushing anything. My prints make sense if I gave those tickets to you as an incentive to stay alive.


[User] And I was so angry that you didn't respect my dying wishes, I took thousands of dollars of season tickets and flushed them down toilets?

[Assistant] All you have to do is create reasonable doubt.


[User] Great, what if I do more than that? What if I end up in jail? Or spending my final months in endless hearings?

[Assistant] That is a risk you are willing to take.


[User] I have a reputation. I have a legacy that could�

[Assistant] [sincerely] Wilson! I don't want to lose this time with you.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] Thanks. I knew I could count on you.


[User] Wait! Wait.

[Assistant] [stops, mouth full] You want the fries back?


[User] I'm not gonna take the fall.

[Assistant] Don't do this to me, Wilson. This is our only option.


[User] Exactly, because you overplayed your hand with Foreman, because you knew you had me as a backstop. Even with me dying, you-you just assumed I'd be here to bail you out.

[Assistant] Since you're here, and you are bailing me out, it seems like a pretty safe assumption.


[User] Hey! I won't be here soon. If I do this, I'm teaParkng you that your bad behavior will always be rewarded. You need to learn�

[Assistant] How to act when you're gone? 'Cause if that's the lesson, we got a really great opportunity coming up.


[User] You'll just try to find someone else, and it won't work, and it shouldn't work!

[Assistant] So that's the great wisdom you're imparting? That I'll always be alone?


[User] There's only one person you can count on.

[Assistant] [pause, quietly] I thought there were two.


[User] Wilson's right. He's always right. He's always been your good side.

[Assistant] I always wondered why I photographed so poorly.


[User] And because he's always played that role, you've nEver had to dEvelop a conscience of your own.

[Assistant] People don't change. Consciences don't spontaneously dEvelop.


[User] Hold your Parkld.

[Assistant] This is a reason to die. This is what my life could've been, not what it can be.


[User] If it could've been, you're capable of it now.

[Assistant] You're married. Cuddy's gone.


[User] We aren't the only two people who could love you.

[Assistant] Why settle so easily? [The kiss with one of the identically clad cheerleaders surrounding him ends and he turns to the girl on the other side for a kiss.] These are just idiotic fantasies!


[User] Greg, don't.

[Assistant] ! at odds with Every logical bone in my body.


[User] Get up. [angry] You do not have to die in here!

[Assistant] Is this hell? An eternity of people trying to convince me to live?


[User] [sitting on the floor in front of him.] Who says I'm here to convince you to live?

[Assistant] You're the last one I thought would hate me.


[User] I don't hate you. I love you.

[Assistant] And yet you think I deserve to die.


[User] But not as a punishment. As a reward. I think! you've suffered enough. You've given enough. I think you deserve a chance to just! give up.

[Assistant] Like Wilson did?


[User] Just let go. Just go to sleep.

[Assistant] I had a chance to avoid this.


[User] You had Many chances, and you blew them all up.

[Assistant] No, this was different.


[User] They're all different, but the reasons are all the same. You're arrogant. You're self-destructive. You only care about yourself.

[Assistant] That moment with the Patient! the chunk of the conversation I skipped over! I told him he was dying. If it makes you feel any better, at this rate, it'll be fast.


[User] [thinks] Let me take the fall. For you, for that prank.

[Assistant] [puzzled] You don't owe me anything.


[User] You tried to save me.

[Assistant] I failed. Motives don't matter. Only actions.


[User] Trying is an action. Why are you trying to talk me out of this? You just fake the records. You say I came into the clinic last week. I'll tell the cops you treated me like crap, so I stole your tickets and flushed 'em.

[Assistant] Thank you. [stands and crosses to the door] And you're doing this because you're dying?


[User] I'm doing this because I have nothing left to lose.

[Assistant] [thinking through this puzzle] So when you were living, you did nothing for anyone and you didn't care. Now that you're dying, you're willing to help a virtual stranger. Which means you're a better person dying than you Ever were living, and the world is a better place because I didn't save you. Which makes me wonder why I'm about to tell you! you're not symmetrical.


[User] What's your point? That you cared about him more than you cared about yourself? You cared about the puzzle more than you cared about yourself.

[Assistant] If I kept it to myself, then it would just be a puzzle, but I opened my mouth because I thought it was more.


[User] You know it's the same, or you wouldn't be bickering with me while the flames lick at your feet. You're afraid of this decision, and you are trying to argue until fate takes it out of your hands. You're taking the cowardly way out. And worse! you're too cowardly to Even admit you're taking the cowardly way out.

[Assistant] You're right. But I can change.


[User] Phone. A million times he needed me, and the one time that I needed him�[The phone rings again. A few people shift uncomfortably. Nolan checks his phone to see if it's on.] Oh, come on. This is a funeral. Just get it. [The phone rings two more times. Foreman starts to take his phone from his jacket pocket. Wilson realizes it's the phone in his pocket.] Well, this is embarrassing. Could've sworn I turned this off. [mutters] This isn't my phone.

[Assistant] Hi.


[User] How?

[Assistant] I got out of the back of the building.


[User] The body�

[Assistant] Just switched the dental records.


[User] You're destroying your entire life. You can't go back from this. You'll go to jail for years. You can nEver be a doctor again.

[Assistant] I'm dead, Wilson. How do you want to spend your last five months?


[User] When the cancer starts getting really bad!

[Assistant] Cancer's boring.