[User] Not physically worse.

[Assistant] Worse is worse. Pain doesn't discriminate. Neither do the pills. The Vicodin and the five-star pampering that I'm gonna get over the next few days should be enough to get me through it.


[User] So you don't want to just avoid the issue. You want to avoid avoiding the issue. Sorry.

[Assistant] Nothing is either as bad or as good as we think it is at the time. That's why T.O. mocks his opponents immediately after scoring. He doesn't wait till his friend shows up the next day to tell him to deal with it. [There's a knock on the door.] Two weeks from now, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, my life will be back to its usual lEvel of crappiness. Till then, the only real issue is how much I'm gonna spend on hotel charges.


[User] Good morning, sir. I've got your deluxe breakfast for two.

[Assistant] Do I have to count the strawberries?


[User] Don't worry. You can trust me with anything. Including your food.

[Assistant] [points to Wilson] After he and I have sex, I'm gonna slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub.


[User] Oh, no pRoblem. I'll cancel the morning maid service. Would you like me to have them clean up later when they come to turn down your bed?

[Assistant] Why didn't I meet you six months ago? [He hands Carnell the money.]


[User] Thank you very much. And if there's anything else I can do to make your stay here more enjoyable, just ring the concierge and ask for Carnell.

[Assistant] [biting a strawberry] Eat fast. We're expecting company.


[User] Okay. This might not be such a bad idea.

[Assistant] What do you think he meant by "anything"?


[User] Take some time for yourself. Relax.

[Assistant] I know it's a figure of speech, to underline the "anything."


[User] Maybe talk to someone?

[Assistant] Already scheduled.


[User] [turns his head to look at House] Really?

[Assistant] [looks at Wilson] I'm not an idiot. I know I need help.


[User] Okay. That's! great. [pause] I meant, like, a counselor.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] But you meant a hooker.

[Assistant] Yeah. Baby steps.


[User] ENG was normal. Means his inner ear isn't!

[Assistant] Morons.


[User] It wasn't!

[Assistant] Whoa. Wait a second. The acoustics in here are beautiful. [loudly, echoing] Morons! [Cut to hotel bathroom. House sharing a bubble bath with a beautiful brunette who faces him in the tub.] You say it.


[User] Who was that?

[Assistant] Something Carnell got me.


[User] It wasn't that ridiculous of a theory.

[Assistant] Great theory. It's a ridiculous test. You can't give a standard balance test to a champion bull rider. [While he is talking, he is holding the hooker's foot, toes poised to enter his mouth.] If you're gonna test SuperMan's strength, you need a bigger barbell. Find one, make him lift it, then call me and tell me how high it got. [He leans to the side of the tub to talk directly into the phone.] And tell Cuddy that spying is for cowards.


[User] That's not from the pipes. It's from your mouth.

[Assistant] Can you pass me the, um! What took you so long?


[User] There's nothing wrong with his ears, but he's got blood in his sputum.

[Assistant] Doesn't answer the question.


[User] We weren't avoiding you. It took us a little time to think up a diagnostic test no one's Ever thought up before.

[Assistant] Apology accepted.


[User] [Foreman starts to talk but Chase interrupts.] It could be a tumor in a salivary gland. We should get a parotid biopsy.

[Assistant] [indulgently] Oh, that's so cute. You're fighting over who's in charge.


[User] GI bleed's more likely to explain the nausea and weakness.

[Assistant] Who's in charge?


[User] House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final!

[Assistant] Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?


[User] Let me rephrase. You have to decide if you're gonna buck up, get out of bed, and do your job, or if you're gonna wallow in self-pity.

[Assistant] Those my only two choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap, including you.


[User] That is not true in so Many ways.

[Assistant] And, Chase, stop screwing with Foreman. [Chase, whose hands are almost covering his mouth, grins broadly.] And, Foreman, no. Till the telephone gets uninvented, no one in that room needs more authority than I give them, and right now I give you the authority to scope his GI tract and biopsy his parotid. And you can pick up the phone.


[User] Wait, House, should we be more worried about you? Are you on Vicodin? Because if you are, you pRobably shouldn't be ordering procedures.

[Assistant] I am not on Vicodin. [He swallows a Vicodin.] Do the tests. I have to see a Man about a hurdy-gurdy.


[User] Sclerae turned yellow. Did X-rays. Looks like there's a mass in his liver,

[Assistant] Making it, as they say, as tough to find as a hooker who can play the hurdy-gurdy.


[User] If you have a point, can you please!

[Assistant] It's an expression. Means it's tough, but apparently it can be done.


[User] If we don't have any equipment!

[Assistant] You have eyes.


[User] Not that see through stuff.

[Assistant] Obviously.


[User] You want us to cut him open?

[Assistant] Only if you want to see what's wrong with him. [He hangs up.] Do you know Free Bird?


[User] It's gone now.

[Assistant] It's a mass! [He's in bed.] And then it's not.


[User] You, uh, gonna introduce us?

[Assistant] Team, meet Duke.


[User] Anke.

[Assistant] Anke? How'd I get Duke?


[User] House, how Many prostitutes have you had?

[Assistant] As in eaten? Ever? This year?


[User] Slept with. Since you've been here.

[Assistant] All but one. She did my taxes. On the other hand, tapeworm that burrowed


[User] We would have seen eggs on a fecal smear or systemic eosinophilia.

[Assistant] Detached cyst?


[User] Couldn't migrate that far in one hour. We haven't been sitting on our hands just waiting for your brilliance to kick in.

[Assistant] Okay, so how did you shoot down intermittently swollen lymph node?


[User] What about a ventricular puncture?

[Assistant] Sounds good.


[User] You think sticking a needle directly into his brain would be less dangerous than sticking it in his spine?

[Assistant] It's pRobably a push. I'm just trying to get you out of here, because underneath this sheet, [confidentially] stuff is going on. Just pick a spot and stick a needle in it.


[User] Please don't.

[Assistant] That is a nice bow.


[User] That was a nice door.

[Assistant] Put it on my tab. Let's say we take it up a notch. [He tosses Carnell an apple.]


[User] [laughing] Yeah, right. Very funny.

[Assistant] You don't trust me?


[User] No.

[Assistant] And we have a gamer.


[User] Oh, come on, Man. You can't be serious.

[Assistant] Why not? [#5 giggles and holds the apple on top of her head.] Anything goes wrong, we just take her to the doctor. And I'm only eight paces away.


[User] House!

[Assistant] I like you, Carnell. Don't ruin it. [He turns on the phone.] Stinky feet can point to diabetes, athlete's foot, or gangrene! Pick one.


[User] No. No. No. No. You're gonna kill her.

[Assistant] Don't do that, Carnell. They might get the idea that I'm shooting at a hooker. [He takes aim. The hooker waits. He lowers the bow as he gets an idea.] Fungal infection can cause ulceration between the toes and bleeding could be from recurring abscesses that appear to be recurring masses.


[User] So's MRI'ing his heart. He's got a sEven-centimeter conductive metal rod holding his rib together. It'll rip him in two.

[Assistant] [aiming and pulling back on the bowstring] No, it'll just feel like it's ripping him in two, which is much better.


[User] Oh, God!

[Assistant] Oops. [The team, listening, looks puzzled] Got to go.


[User] Call an ambulance!

[Assistant] Why?


[User] What do you mean why? She's hurt!

[Assistant] She doesn't look hurt.


[User] No, you didn't.

[Assistant] Yes, we did.


[User] You're an ass.

[Assistant] Okay. Go get me, uh, general Patton's colt 45. [The door opens] The one with the two notches.


[User] You were bored. You must have spent about two days setting up a fake murder, and you were bored.

[Assistant] I'm fine.


[User] You're not. And I'm worried you might do something Even stupider. Why don't you move back in with me? At least until you get back on track.

[Assistant] What an ego. You think you're some sort of emotional paragon? You're my rock?


[User] I'm trying to be a friend.

[Assistant] At least I have the good sense not to marry Every Woman I fall into bed with. Maybe you should move in with me.


[User] Either way. If you prefer!

[Assistant] [getting annoyed] I prefer you to stop talking about this.


[User] House, we haven't Even started talking about this except to establish the fact that you are fine, which clearly you aren't.

[Assistant] [loudly] Leave me alone!


[User] No. We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.

[Assistant] So I have no choice? Fine. Unless! unless! [He has a rEvelation.] Yes, I do. I do have legs. [He stands.] I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan. [House takes his drink and leaves.]


[User] You can't go backwards. I can't fix his pRoblem. I am his pRoblem.

[Assistant] If the infection's not in his heart, then it's in his brain. You're in my sun. Do a CT.


[User] We can't. He has a titanium plate and a bunch of metal screws.

[Assistant] So get rid of them.


[User] His skull has multiple hairline fractures. Removing the metal plate will be like removing half an eggshell without cracking the rest of the shell.

[Assistant] [sits up, supporting his leg] And not removing the plate will be like leaving the egg out to rot.


[User] We can't cut off the top of his head based on a few symptoms that disappear whenEver we try to test for them.

[Assistant] What if the one symptom that hasn't disappeared was nEver actually there? Any delays when he answers questions? [Masters nods] He doesn't have partial hearing loss. He's missing moments. He reported having something like a complex partial seizure during a bull ride. Said it hasn't happened since, but what if he's wrong? What if the infection in the brain is causing it to happen all the time?


[User] His E.E.G. didn't show any sign of seizure activity.

[Assistant] I didn't say it was a seizure. I said it was something like a seizure.


[User] And I'm guessing you're about to tell us we need to find something like an E.E.G. to prove!

[Assistant] Nope, 'cause I already got one. [Stands and takes a wad of bills out of his pocket, which he hands to Hooker #6.]


[User] You want me to sing? How's singing My Bonnie gonna help you see inside my brain?

[Assistant] It won't. It's just gonna prove that we need to cut into your skull, which is gonna be kind of dangerous. So you've got a real incentive to sing like an angel.


[User] We think you're having mini blackouts, but your brain compensates.

[Assistant] It can't compensate if there's a preset rhythm. [He sets a metronome on the bed tray.] One, two, three.


[User] Lane, that wasn't Even close. [to House] That was brilliant.

[Assistant] [unenthusiastically] Yeah.


[User] It's understandable.

[Assistant] I hate when you do that. You respond to what you think I'm thinking, because you think that I think like you do. It's insulting and annoying.


[User] You're scared because nothing excites you. Fun doesn't excite you. Puzzles don't excite you. What's left? And I was saying you're right. You're upset. You're depressed. Everything's gonna taste a little worse right now, but it'll pass.

[Assistant] It's understandable. You're scared because you think I'm falling apart, and you're trying to convince yourself that you're overreacting. [answering] Yeah.


[User] House, there's no infection in this guy's brain. CT's clean.

[Assistant] Well, that sucks. Now we have to blow up his heart.


[User] We're not blowing up his heart, because we've ruled out his heart. MRI and transesophageal echo rEveal no swelling, no masses, no vegetation, no sign of anything.

[Assistant] 'Cause we're looking the wrong way. [Holds up the straw.] There's an imperfection. How do you find where?


[User] I don't know. Get a magnifying glass and!

[Assistant] You suck. Feel free to interpret that both ways. Suck on the straw, see where the drink leaks.


[User] You're saying we put pressure on his aorta until it rips open? You do realize the downside of that?

[Assistant] If we don't rip it, the damage from the infection will, pRobably not when he's got his chest open in an O.R. where it can be repaired inside the 60 seconds it'll take him to bleed to death.


[User] It's a ridiculous idea. It won't work.

[Assistant] Now if you don't mind! get this guy's approval to rip his heart open. Hey. We think you have a Bartonella infection, which caused a mycotic aneurysm in your aortic wall. We need to find it, which means we need to blow up your heart. And, yes, I'm as serious as a heart attack. We're going to increase your blood pressure until the weak spot in your aortic wall explodes. Hopefully we'll be able to fix it before you bleed to death. Any questions?


[User] Nope.

[Assistant] Really? You don't Even want to know if you'll be able to go back to bull riding?


[User] I assume no? I mean, you've already cracked open my skull, and now you're gonna blow up my heart.

[Assistant] [puzzled] Thought you loved those eight seconds.


[User] You didn't expect me to say yes to rupturing his aorta, did you?

[Assistant] [calm and deliberate] Since I didn't ask, I wasn't expecting you to say anything at all.


[User] You have no reason to beliEve this will save his life.

[Assistant] [mirthless laugh] Really? No reason? None at all? I'm just planning on cracking open his chest, blowing up his heart, what, to pad his bill? [scornful] Or you think that since you broke my heart I want to break his.


[User] [somewhat pitying] I don't know. I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you. Fill a void. And it's affecting your judgment.

[Assistant] You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor in this hospital, and my team is gonna do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team, or you can get the hell out of my way. [contemptuous] Annnnnd! she caves.


[User] Heart looks good. The aorta's exposed.

[Assistant] I take it you ratted me out to Cuddy.


[User] I think your judgment is compromised.

[Assistant] No, you don't. [He hits the intercom button with his cane.] Come on. I got a squash game at 2:00. Let's give this cowboy a ride.


[User] If I inject more, there won't be any room for the blood to go through the rest of his body.

[Assistant] You're right. Let's make damn sure we don't damage his toes while we blow up his heart.


[User] I was wrong.

[Assistant] Not yet.


[User] It worked!?! House, it worked.

[Assistant] [over the intercom] I heard you.


[User] [realizes he's stalling] That would pRobably be inappropriate, 'cause I'm your doctor and Everything. Good luck with Everything. [She pauses in the doorway] It!

[Assistant] Double scotch. Doubled.


[User] Uh, blended? Single malt? Any preference?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Noooooooooooooo!

[Assistant] Cannonball!


[User] What the hell are you doing?

[Assistant] [standing in the pool, surrounded] What do you do when you win?


[User] Party!

[Assistant] What do you do when you lose?


[User] Ride some kind of prostitute chariot to work?

[Assistant] First person to offer me an interesting case gets to ride her! single or double-team. (Masters looks uncomfortable) My scooter, which, now said out loud, sounds Even more inappropriate. (He hands his sunglasses to Dominika)


[User] 23-year-old homeless Man brought into the E.R. with burn injuries and!

[Assistant] Let me guess! diagnosis was fire.


[User] He said his burning flesh smelled like licorice, and the E.R. antiseptics like blueberry muffins.

[Assistant] Cool. Dysosmia! could be anything from an environmental factor to an early sign of a degenerative brain disease. (taking the Patient file from Masters) Smells like a winner. Okay, (speaking to Taub) you and Chase go check out the Park where they found him. (to Masters and Foreman) You two load him up with Prednisone, give him an odor I.D. test. If he's still mistaking his body odors for candy, the pRoblem's definitely in his brain. Also, find out what else he's lying about! (throwing the file down onto the table) Since I'm assuming "Ferris Bueller" is not his real name. (he starts up the Segway again)


[User] They say he's a righteous dude.

[Assistant] Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a perManent member of Team House.


[User] Doing what exactly?

[Assistant] Me. We're getting married on Friday. (to Dominika) Mount up!


[User] I don't think that two people are supposed!

[Assistant] Living on the edge, baby doll!


[User] You can't ride that thing in here.

[Assistant] Speaking of things, (He looks through the stack of invitations he is carrying) I'm having one on Friday. If you want to drop by, we'd love to have you. (He hands an invitation to Cuddy) No pressure.


[User] You're still standing on it.

[Assistant] So I am. Perhaps you're not familiar with New Jersey handicap ordinances.


[User] (holding up a piece of paper) Or perhaps I am. They apply to wheelchairs and powered scooters only, not toys.

[Assistant] Have you any idea how much this toy cost?


[User] I don't care.

[Assistant] For some reason, my leg's been hurting a lot this week.


[User] For some reason, I still don't care.

[Assistant] Fine. I'll return it. But I'll have to walk it out of here.


[User] Congratulations on your engagement.

[Assistant] I hear a strange voice.


[User] A very soft-looking Man. Must be the Wilson.

[Assistant] I know we said no secrets, but I think I need to take this alone, Honey bunny.


[User] You're trying to screw with Cuddy.

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the classic "You dumped me, so I'm gonna get married a week later" ruse. 'Cause not only is she that stupid, but apparently I'm that stupid.


[User] And what, you're openly mocking marriage! trying to prove it means nothing?

[Assistant] It doesn't. But you proved that yourself years ago.


[User] I'd love to keep guessing, but I've got people with tumors waiting. Why do you want us to think that you're getting married?

[Assistant] Only one theory left! I am. Dominika needs a green card.


[User] So you're just doing some random stranger a favor? It's illegal. People go to jail for that! Pay huge fines.

[Assistant] (opening the folder) Have you seen me practice medicine? You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore? I do. She's willing to work four days a week for free. It's gonna save me about $33,000. All I have to do is say two stupid words! "I do."


[User] And if she doesn't see it this way?

[Assistant] (putting his feet up on the desk) Iron-clad prenup! We go our separate ways. Your stunned look, I take it, is your way of saying, "Brilliant idea, House."


[User] Danny may have lied about his name, but he was telling the truth about the vials. Tests confirm they were vitamin A and B12.

[Assistant] He also enjoys vitamin H. The kid's a junkie.


[User] Tox screens were negative for drug use.

[Assistant] His hair wasn't. I had it tested! (He eats one of the cucumber slices) 'Cause unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny, homeless, non-mentally ill 20-somethings without drug pRoblems don't exist. He was a heavy user sometime in the last five months.


[User] No, thank you. I like a Man with the big, strong, sexy feet. (She wiggles his big toe playfully)

[Assistant] He really puts the "Mani" in the "pedi."


[User] House, you buying this?

[Assistant] Not usually. But this guy's been sleeping on a bed of dog poop. I wouldn't be surprised if he's got six different symptoms for six different reasons.


[User] The bleed could be caused by a G.I. obstruction.

[Assistant] Vitamin O.D. makes sense, and it's easier to treat. Give him Tocopherol and zinc supplements for the excess vitamin A. If we're right! he could go homeless tomorrow.


[User] And if we're wrong, his intestines could get further distressed, while we ignore the G.I. obstruction.

[Assistant] (to Dominika) See what happens when women don't have to serve men to stay in the country? The get all uppity. This is why we invented green cards. (to Masters) Go X-ray the guy's abdomen, if it'll make you feel all equal. (Masters leaves) I need a favor. (tossing a folder on her desk) I want to add my fiancee's name to my health insurance a few days early. She wants to get a tooth capped before the big day. (He spins around on the Segway)


[User] (opening the folder) I'm not signing this.

[Assistant] I agree. (spinning around again) I think she looks beautiful the way she is. Oh, no, wait. You're not signing that for moral reasons? You're declaring yourself the sole arbiter of true love? 'Cause you covered Taub's wife for years.


[User] It's fraud.

[Assistant] (calling out to Dominika in Russian) Voydi moya malishka ("Come in my baby."�) She wanted me to bribe you, like they do back in the old country. (to Dominika) Tell her what I said.


[User] This is America! the land of the home and the free of the braves.

[Assistant] Yeah, I just get teary-eyed Every time I hear her say that. She brought you a gift.


[User] Almond kulich! I make with own hands. I-it's delicious.

[Assistant] Almond kulich! How can you say no to that?


[User] (taking the tin) You realize if I do sign this and you don't get legally married, you'll lose your insurance with our carrier?

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] (smiling) Thank you.

[Assistant] North, Miss Teschmacher! (Eve Teschmacher was Lex Luthor's assistant in the first two SuperMan movies)


[User] And no larvae or eggs were observed in any of his stool samples.

[Assistant] Which is kind of surprising for a homeless junkie living in a Park.


[User] He's just telling you what you want to hear.

[Assistant] Once an addict, always an addict.


[User] Can you! please not do that in front of me?

[Assistant] Doubt it. You're the main reason I'm on the stuff. We could be looking at fungal masses hanging off the walls of his colon. Start him on Amphotericin "B" tonight, and in the morning, run a scope up where the sun don't shine, see if you can find any truffles.


[User] House! Are you Even listening to us?

[Assistant] I'll start when you decide what the symptoms are and give me some theories.


[User] If we combine the dysosmia with the tunnel vision, the symptoms fit for western equine encephalitis.

[Assistant] But the Patient doesn't! no fEver.


[User] Ow! What the hell?

[Assistant] Negative reinforcement.


[User] What about Foster Kennedy Syndrome? He could have a meningioma or plasmacytoma. Started by pressing on his olfactory nerves, it affects his sense of smell, and now it's growing and pressing on his optic nerve.

[Assistant] Good. MRI his head, find it.


[User] Your potential donation!

[Assistant] (to Dominika) Hey, hey.


[User] Apparently he was clinically dead for sEveral seconds when he O.D.'d. The dark spots could be brain damage from oxygen starvation.

[Assistant] Except it's not. I've seen MRI imagery like that in sParkzophrenics. (back to the game) Three serving two.


[User] (clapping) In your head!

[Assistant] It's "face."


[User] On your face!

[Assistant] Close enough. The E.R. docs missed it, because he didn't present with major symptoms yet. We're seeing it in its infancy.


[User] So we treat him, and then what? He becomes just another sParkzophrenic homeless Man wandering the streets! We have to help him.

[Assistant] I'd love to, but I got four million other crazy people ahead of him on my to-do list, along with milk.


[User] You two spent months trying to figure out a way to date and not have it affect your working relationship. Now you need to do the same thing for not dating.

[Assistant] No, I don't.


[User] This is serious. Did you know that she's!

[Assistant] She's dying of guilt and feels horrible for dumping me. It's great. I mean, not the dumping part, but the part where she'll now let me do whatEver I want.


[User] So you're just trying to punish her? She feels bad, and your only goal is to take advantage?

[Assistant] That's not true. I got plenty of goals. (taking off his glasses) One of them is a 60-inch flat screen right there. (He nods toward the wall in front of his desk)


[User] (holding up his unbandaged arm) Ow! No, no, no. Not that one, this one!

[Assistant] Ahoy there, me hearties! Permission to come aboard.


[User] Danny said his left arm felt like it was on fire last night. We assumed it was a sParkzophrenic delusion, but!

[Assistant] It's not. He's on Clozapine. He'd be getting better, not worse.


[User] I wouldn't worry about it. We'll pRobably die first.

[Assistant] Don't make me take my shoe off!


[User] We need to run his DNA. He could have early onset of Parkinson's.

[Assistant] Or cortical-based ganglionic degeneration or Huntington's or any one of a dozen other genetic diseases.


[User] Hey, if you let us out, we can start testing.

[Assistant] If we're gonna test for them all, it'll take weeks. I'm not canceling my Honeymoon to treat this kid.


[User] It's a fake marriage, but a real Honeymoon?

[Assistant] Most are.


[User] Danny could also die before we get through testing for all the possibilities.

[Assistant] So we cheat. Since it's genetic, daddy or mommy's got it too. They're either sick or dead.


[User] He doesn't know where his mother is, and he won't tell us where his father is.

[Assistant] He's a homeless ex-junkie. Are you telling me that you four geniuses can't outwit him? Green light! (House floors the accelerator, throwing Everyone back against their seats) Cuddy got it for me. And now I'm drafting a request for a study into the effects of caffeine involving an Italian espresso maParkne and a massage chair, so make it quick.


[User] I found Danny's father.

[Assistant] Well done.


[User] The kid said he was in a state-sponsored rehab last November. There's only one Danny Jennings that was in treatment at the time, and he listed his father's address as his primary next of kin.

[Assistant] The "well done" was for making it quick. Now I'm gonna have to take that back.


[User] He lives about 30 minutes from the hospital.

[Assistant] And the reason you're continuing to talk instead of driving there?


[User] Chase and Masters are already on their way. (Taub pauses and House looks up at him) Why didn't you ask me to be part of your wedding?

[Assistant] You are genuinely upset at being mockingly snubbed by a mock wedding?


[User] Um! I'll! I'll come back when she's finished.

[Assistant] She is. (Dominika puts some tools on the desk) Oh, my God! W-what did you think she was doing? She's just installing the cable. (Taub leaves as House calls out after him) That's not a euphemism!


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] Shhh!


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Test.


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand! do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. (House leans his cane against the bed) Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Hiding your identity! Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero.


[User] I'm not a criminal.

[Assistant] Awesome. What color is my underwear?


[User] I'm not telling you my name.

[Assistant] No pRoblem. I just need your father's name.


[User] Forget it.

[Assistant] Care to tell me why?


[User] He's looking for me. He supposedly! cleaned up and got sober. And now he! he wants to be a part of my life again. And I can't let that happen.

[Assistant] You're a big boy now. You still think he can hurt you?


[User] What's happening to me?

[Assistant] Well, luckily for you, we don't need daddy to figure that one out.


[User] Did you find out his real name?

[Assistant] Cerebellar ataxia.


[User] That's a weird name.

[Assistant] (pushing the elevator button) The guy whiffed twice trying to pick up a cup right in front of him. That plus Everything else! Means that we have whittled our list of genetic diseases! (He swallows the pills) All the way down to one! Early-onset Parkinson's.


[User] After Everything he's been through, now we have to tell him, "Hey, you have

[Assistant] You could lie. I'm fine with that. But you'll pRobably both feel better if you give him Levodopa and confirm with DNA tests.


[User] I changed my mind.

[Assistant] What, you want the fish instead of the Parkcken?


[User] This room is for Patients' families, not for doctors trying to defraud the government.

[Assistant] Oh, so! you've decided to take a moral stand.


[User] Yeah. The chapel still has sanctity for some people.

[Assistant] You're right. I think I saw Blue the janitor passed out in one of the pews last week.


[User] It's "Lou," and I would have thrown him out too.

[Assistant] Well, where are we gonna go? We got Caterers staging Everything downstairs as we speak. We've got floral arrangements, place settings! Other wedding-y stuff.


[User] That's not my pRoblem.

[Assistant] I sent out the invitations. People are coming here.


[User] And at the rate it's happening, he'll need a new one soon. And there's no way we'll get him on the transplant list.

[Assistant] What are we missing?


[User] Except that he's gotten worse since we admitted him.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Most of our Patients tend to do that, unless we cure them.

[Assistant] Yeah, but why so fast? He had dysosmia for a couple months, nEver Even came here to get it treated. He's just a random burn victim. We get him, boom, he's got tunnel vision, peripheral polyneuropathy, cerebellar ataxia, and now cardiomyopathy. What's different here than, say, living in a filthy state Park?


[User] His condition started deteriorating before that.

[Assistant] Stop that Man! (the worker pauses) I need the meal card for the Patient in 243. (House hangs his cane on the cart and leafs through the list of Danny's meals) He's eating healthy! because he can. Most of the meals in here are vegetarian. (He hands the meal record book back to the worker and takes his cane off of the cart) Adult Refsum disease! Fits all the symptoms. His body can't process the phytanic acid and chlorophyll. It's his healthy diet of green vegetables that's killing him.


[User] We can save his life.

[Assistant] Run him through a plasmapheresis treatment to remove the excess phytanic acid from his blood. Confirm with gene testing. Okay, I gotta go get married.


[User] And do you, Gregory House, take this Woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? (Dominika puts a ring on House's finger)

[Assistant] Yep.


[User] I know this is not real marriage! but I really like you.

[Assistant] I like you too. I can't.


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] I nEver sleep with married women. I'm going to bed. You can take the couch.


[User] And we saved him.

[Assistant] Book you for 9:00?


[User] Yeah. Uh-huh.

[Assistant] Take the day off.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] All right. So what did you do?


[User] You figured out I was in jail but you don't know why?

[Assistant] I've been busy.


[User] Excessive prescribing.

[Assistant] Not that busy. I know that you pled down to excessive prescribing. The question was "what did you DO?"�


[User] You owe me a body shot.

[Assistant] Make it fast. I'm driving. I don't want to end up in jail like! ! A person should who used their phone illegally while driving.


[User] Where are you?

[Assistant] On my way to the greater Schenectady Parkli cook-off and spud gun competition.


[User] That's your Honeymoon? [Thirteen is caught off-guard by the question.]

[Assistant] Nope, Dominika went to A.C. with her boyfriend.


[User] So diagnosis! boring. It's epistaxis. It's a nosebleed. Blood runs into his lungs, he coughs it back up, flu explains the rest of the symptoms.

[Assistant] Going once, going twice!


[User] Toxic exposure to ammonia or sulfites can traumatize the lungs, cause neuralgias or fEvers. Fits better because of his radiating chest pain.

[Assistant] Sold. To Masters. [She smiles widely.] Do a home search for toxins. Draw cultures for bacteria and fungi.


[User] You're married?

[Assistant] You were gone so long. [Thirteen looks at House with insistence.] Green card.


[User] Thanks for not saying anything. I just need some time to!

[Assistant] I didn't do it for you. Some puzzles are just too good to share.


[User] Parkli?

[Assistant] I hate Parkli. Love spud guns.


[User] What's this really all about, House? As convincing as I find your deep devotion to vegetable trajectory.

[Assistant] First of all, it's a tuber. And you're just jealous because your potato-related plans are more of the serving up fries variety. [She clearly doesn't get what he is saying.] You did time. Means your license is suspended. Which means your leave of absence is definitely indefinite. What exactly are you going back to?


[User] I'd only have to serve up fries until the medical board hearing.

[Assistant] I stand corrected. You obviously have a rich, full life waiting for you. I'll slow down the car and you can roll out.


[User] I don't Even have a change of clothes.

[Assistant] Damn. If only I'd planned for that. Okay. Here's what I've got. One: you were in jail for 6 months but you were gone about a year, which means that when you left, you hadn't been arrested. Two: you enjoy being known as a number, you don't want people to know the real you since the real you is weak. You were running a bleeding heart medical consulting business for illegals or some other sympathetic under-class.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Over-class?


[User] The interrogation thing is getting annoying.

[Assistant] Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50 percent less effective.


[User] Why are you so determined to bring me to this competition? Why don't you bring Wilson?

[Assistant] Wilson thinks it's stupid.


[User] I think it's stupid! [She goes back inside the changing room.]

[Assistant] Junior year high school, you placed fourth in the West Virginia all-county science fair. Your project? Clean combustion.


[User] Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.

[Assistant] Not that much. I've been going to this contest for four years. For four years I've come second to a pissant named Harold Lam.


[User] This is serious?

[Assistant] Second!


[User] Okay. I can help you, but I'm going to need to make a personal stop along the way.

[Assistant] What kind of stop?


[User] Okay, turn right.

[Assistant] You were writing bogus prescriptions for medical marijuana. [He gets no answer from Thirteen.] Please say no because you have to be an idiot to actually screw that up.


[User] No. I mean, I was, but I didn't get caught.

[Assistant] I have to admit, you have one of the best game faces I've Ever seen. Also one of the best game bodies.


[User] Pull over.

[Assistant] Didn't know you were a Jehovah's Witness.


[User] Yeah, the weak lost faith when Christ didn't return in '75, but I still beliEve.

[Assistant] You're really not gonna tell me what just happened?


[User] You know, I'm actually kind of hurt that you don't know what I did. I'm not worth bribing a court official or hacking into police records?

[Assistant] Where's the fun in that?


[User] You could have at least hired Cuddy's weird boyfriend.

[Assistant] Lucas?


[User] Mm-hmm.

[Assistant] You don't know?


[User] What, is he dead or something?

[Assistant] No. Actually, until a couple of weeks ago, I was Cuddy's weird boyfriend.


[User] You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. [She looks at him and from his silence, realizes that he really is telling the truth. Long awkward pause.] Are! are you okay?

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm fine. It's not a big deal.


[User] You're awfully quiet.

[Assistant] Sorry. That's just how I get around people who have recently killed a Man.


[User] It wasn't! You know, I've had a pretty rough year. Do you think maybe we could just give this whole thing a rest?

[Assistant] You killed a Man! But you pled out to drugs. Hit-and-run under the influence. Guy you kneed in the groin was your date who dropped a dime on you.


[User] I'm asking you to let it go.

[Assistant] And I really wish I was the kind of person who could do that.


[User] How do they not have 1/2-inch drill bits?

[Assistant] By the way, Harold's pRobably gonna hit on you. Everything I have, he wants. Just turn him down flat. Unless!


[User] Yes. Let's stop shopping. I'll just do him and get him to throw the contest.

[Assistant] I'm not sugges! [Caught off-guard] Would you do that?


[User] How's this thing Judged?

[Assistant] Hang time, distance, and accuracy. Okay, how about this? You met a guy in a club, you brought him home, he O.D.'d, so the guy now writhing on his front porch was the dealer who sold you the faulty goods.


[User] Categories weighted the same?

[Assistant] Yup.


[User] Screw accuracy. We're gonna double distance and hang time, beat Harold on points. We need raw power. Where's the fertilizer? [She walks down another alley of the store.]

[Assistant] By all means, Kaczynski.


[User] Damn.

[Assistant] Be cool. Harold.


[User] House. You look good. I like that jacket on you.

[Assistant] Thanks. You filled out a little.


[User] Who's the babe?

[Assistant] She's the boot in your ass. Perhaps you've heard of famed Russian physicist Olga Petrovich?


[User] Olga Petrovich is 72 years old.

[Assistant] And her granddaughter works at a little place called JPL.


[User] I did an internship there last summer.

[Assistant] She killed a Man.


[User] Just a bad combustion valve.

[Assistant] Shut up.


[User] We rip out the combustion valve, replace it with disks. With enough pressure, it should blow out at maximum velocity.

[Assistant] Turning the spud into spudnik. What do we use for disks?


[User] Well, here's a hint. I actually hate rhubarb.

[Assistant] Pie tins. You're a genius. You know that I'm a doctor. Any interest I have in the huMan body is purely clinical.


[User] Yeah, that line nEver works for me either.

[Assistant] That line always works for you. So what did you do?


[User] No more guessing?

[Assistant] I need to know. [She won't answer.] I can make some phone calls, see if we can speed up your medical board hearing. In the meantime, no one could stop me from hiring an assistant.


[User] You were right this morning. I met a guy at a coffee shop, we went back to my place, and he O.D.'d.

[Assistant] Damn. I could have saved myself a job offer.


[User] So she had Q fEver and something else that causes heart attack?

[Assistant] And the hoarding. Now that the wife is the only Patient, hoard is back on the board.


[User] Or we were wrong about Q fEver. I don't buy it's just a coincidence.

[Assistant] It's not a coincidence. Diagnosis X caused the hoarding, which caused the Q fEver when the raccoons came to spend spring break at her House. Now all we have to do is solve for X.


[User] Even the heart attack. Hydrogen sulfide is also a vasodilator.

[Assistant] Which my crack team nEver tested the place for. Of course, half my crack team nEver tested the place for people.


[User] Might be safer to just assume we're right and start treatment.

[Assistant] Go with God. And some air freshener.


[User] Shine up your spuds, folks. We're gonna start shooting for hang time in just a few minutes.

[Assistant] The wind's coming from the southeast. You have to aim five degrees to the left. [He adjusts the spud-gun.]


[User] We're gonna break 14 seconds. I can feel it. [Smiling] When I was 10 or 11, my dad used to take us to this county fair. And there was this kid! [House looks confused.] What?

[Assistant] Who's "us"?


[User] My mom and me.

[Assistant] Your mom who had advanced stage Huntington's. [Thirteen looks uncomfortable.] You have a sibling that you've nEver mentioned. Why did you slip up now?


[User] Not Everything means something. We're gonna be up soon. I want to check the pressure. She picks up the gun and walks away.]

[Assistant] You don't wake up in the middle of the night to cry over a dead stranger. You don't confess to killing a Man and then hide the details unless the details rEveal more about you than the crime itself. [pause] You pled down to drugs. You've got a horrible genetic disease and a sibling who's suddenly on your mind. You euthanized your brother. And that guy back at the House was the doctor who wouldn't help you cover it up.


[User] The guy back at the House is my cellmate's boyfriend. He cheated on her when she was inside.

[Assistant] But I was right about Everything else.


[User] So?

[Assistant] Warning.


[User] They gave you a warning?

[Assistant] Well, it turns out our friend Harold felt up the sheriff's daughter last night at the potato mash mixer, so sheriff's feeling kind of ambivalent.


[User] You always get your way, don't you?

[Assistant] Not always. [resigned] Today would have been our one-year anniversary. [pause] Which is an incredibly arbitrary thing to celebrate.


[User] We have a new symptom. Infertility. They wanted kids but couldn't have them. She started collecting things to fill the void. We should run a full hormone blood panel.

[Assistant] Hey, Harriet the Spy, before you get too full of yourself, you might want to go back to bio 101. It takes two to not-tango.


[User] Hubby could be shooting blanks.

[Assistant] So either it's a new symptom that will help us save her life or it's a complete waste of time. Figure out which is fried, the bacon or the eggs.


[User] House, who's that?

[Assistant] Radio. [Thirteen looks both amused and bothered that she's been recognized.]


[User] Sounded a lot like! Thirteen.

[Assistant] It's a Thirteen tribute band with their new song, "I've got a better theory than Masters."


[User] Oh, my God. Where the hell have you been?

[Assistant] I think we've all got something a little more important to worry about than!


[User] No, we don't. She's been missing for a year.

[Assistant] You can ask her all about it when she comes in on Monday. [He gives Thirteen a look, she slightly smiles.]


[User] Can I talk? She said they nEver had kids, and you all jumped to infertility. You nEver considered the other option.

[Assistant] And the bitch is back. [They both smile.]


[User] I know.

[Assistant] Home, sweet home. You owe me 87 bucks for gas. I'll kill you. When the time comes, if you want me to. I'll do it now if you like. [looking behind him.] I think I've got a baseball bat in the back.


[User] What the hell happened to you? Why'd you lie about going to Rome?

[Assistant] [loudly, from his office] You'd lie too if you bottomed out, ended up in! drug rehab. [He takes some pills.]


[User] I didn't Even know you had a pRoblem.

[Assistant] Loved ones are always the last to know. Loved ones and Robotic, estranged ex-boyfriends. Our Patient is Kendall Pearson. 16-year-old aspiring pirate.


[User] She's that Canadian kid who's trying to be the youngest person to sail around the world.

[Assistant] Collapsed yesterday during a practice run. Luckily for us, cameras were there. [He hits a button on the remote and an overhead shot of a sailboat with one person on deck comes on the TV.] Corporate sponsors want us to check that's she seaworthy before the clock strikes "you're too old to set a record." Gives us three days. [to Masters] You've still only got one, right?


[User] Uh, last day as a student. Could be simple dehydration. She told the Coast Guard she had felt dizzy.

[Assistant] Pulse and BP were normal at the time of the rescue. It's not dehydration. What about your internship? You sign up this morning?


[User] But what about her back? Look. [He replays part of the DVD] Right before the collapse, she hit the small of her back on the railing. Damaged adrenal glands caused adrenal insufficiencies, which caused the collapse.

[Assistant] Nice. Blood draws Every 15 minutes for four hours. Let's track her cortisol. Masters, there's no hurry. There's no wrong choices. At least, that's what they tell people who make crappy choices.


[User] What's with the sudden interest in her future?

[Assistant] [Sighs] You know, a blacksmith who spends this much time hammering out a new blade from raw Jell-O! gets curious about who ends up wielding it.


[User] Before I make my decision, I still have one more LP I need to get. So I'd like to go to the E.R.

[Assistant] Thirteen, why don't you take Masters to do the blood draws. You can remind her about all the perks of working for me.


[User] Rehab? Great cover story. Now I can't Ever drink around those guys again, thus eliminating my main bond with Chase.

[Assistant] Save the attitude for someone who didn't just get you your medical license back. Price you pay.


[User] There's a Parkcken in your office.

[Assistant] No, there isn't.


[User] Oh, great.

[Assistant] Relax. She's completely honest, but also completely boring. Watch this. Don't tell anyone.


[User] Of course not. [Thirteen leaves. Masters looks into the Patient bay.] You did an LP? Why didn't you page me?

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to do one of those? You should've spoken up. You want the job or not?


[User] Um, I! after careful consideration, I have decided to accept your offer for an internship.

[Assistant] Great. My department has a slightly different procedure log.


[User] Uh, you forged the last one. I only did nine LPs.

[Assistant] Do you know how to do an LP?


[User] Of course.

[Assistant] Do you know how to do nine LPs and say it was ten? It's time to grow up. Turn that in, the job's yours. [Her pager beeps] Stop staring blankly and go. No doubt something horrible has just happened to our Patient.


[User] You knew he had a Parkcken? How come�?

[Assistant] Down here! [House is by the elevators. He's looking at the floor and taking baby steps.] Loss of consciousness plus she's slowly turning blue. Can we rule out magical gum?


[User] Uh, why are you putting, um, Parkcken footprints on the floor?

[Assistant] That clEver bastard Wilson got a hold of an Australorp.


[User] Ah.

[Assistant] Hello? The quietest and calmest of all the Parkckens.


[User] But not the loss of consciousness. Cerebral vasospasm explains both.

[Assistant] Cerebral vasospasm makes sense. Take Thirteen. Give the Patient a calcium channel blocker infusion in the basilar artery. [He sees the log in Masters' hands.] Masters. I thought you were going to turn that in.


[User] Um, I, um, been busy with my Patient.

[Assistant] You're not busy now. [Standoff. She leaves.] Bawwwwwwk bawk.


[User] I handed in my log.

[Assistant] On your way to do that, did you happen to stop and give Thirteen an LP? Thirteen's stiff gate, small pupils, and the raging headache she's hiding gave you away.


[User] Yes. And I still broke a rule.

[Assistant] My rule. Told you to defy the Man. Not this Man.


[User] Can we go?

[Assistant] No. Not liking it is fine. Not doing what you don't like makes you an eight-year-old. Wastes your potential. [He sits at his computer and starts typing.]


[User] You want me to be like you. It's not going to happen.

[Assistant] That's the last thing I want. 'Cause then neither one of us would be exceptional.


[User] You think I'm exceptional?

[Assistant] Not anymore.


[User] I can do my job without compromising.

[Assistant] No, you can't. 'Cause I'm not gonna let you. Internship's gone. It's time for Masters to say good-bye. Enjoy being a surgeon. You'll be fine.


[User] Hypotension. Low cardiac output. Float the swan.

[Assistant] [from the observation deck.] Don't you have your own surgery?


[User] I took a break. I told them I had to pee.

[Assistant] You lied. Small one. But it's a gateway lie.


[User] I care about the Patient.

[Assistant] Another lie. You care about being exceptional.


[User] I told her dad I was gonna take care of her.

[Assistant] A third lie. Welcome to the slippery slope.


[User] Add that to a calcified pineal gland.

[Assistant] When is a calcified pineal gland not a calcified pineal gland? I realize, technically, it's nEver, but�


[User] Yes. But the calcified pineal could be sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] You had me at "I had to pee." But Thirteen's right. Start her on three fold immunosuppressants. Masters, if you want to fight me on this, fill out a consult form so you can stick around. Welcome back.


[User] I'm not back! I'll just be staying for this case.

[Assistant] You got really good at this lying thing.


[User] Oh!

[Assistant] You want yours extra crispy or original recipe?


[User] I'm stuck.

[Assistant] No, you're not. Case is over. You're back to surgery. [He casts off. The lure lands at Masters' feet.] And fetch. [The dog runs to grab it.] Oh, that's a good boy. Oh, that's a good boy. Hey, good boy.


[User] No one will stop Kendall's sail. You need to step in.

[Assistant] [reeling the lure back in] Sign on the door says I'm a diagnostician. Cool diagnosis means I'm finished.


[User] She could die.

[Assistant] [casting off again] Pretty sure the law of the land states that Everyone has the right to be an idiot. [The dog is staring intently at the lure. He starts to edge toward it.] Uh! [The dog stops.] I think it's the second amendment. Fetch! [The dog bounds after the lure.] Bring it here, boy. Who's a good boy?


[User] You are constantly railing against hypocrisy, forcing people to face the truth. This time nothing?

[Assistant] [reeling the lure in] Yeah. 'Cause they faced the truth.


[User] And made a decision that will in all likelihood kill their daughter.

[Assistant] I'm fine with that. I wanted a diagnosis. I got it. What do you want?


[User] I don't want her to die.

[Assistant] Break the rules.


[User] I can't.

[Assistant] So coloring inside the lines is more important to you than saving this girl's life? I was wrong about one thing, you are not exceptional. [casts off again] And fetch! Ho ho ho. Oh, that's a good boy. Good boy. Good boy.


[User] Depends on who you ask.

[Assistant] [unseen, from the hallway] Fetch!


[User] Dr. Masters, thank you.

[Assistant] Someone has got their pouty face on.


[User] I did things no doctor in their right mind would do.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] I Manipulated, lied, forged, stole.

[Assistant] I don't want to know the specifics. Might be called to testify.


[User] I broke the rules because I beliEved I was right.

[Assistant] You were right.


[User] Then why don't I feel good or satisfied? Instead, I just feel like throwing up.

[Assistant] And you're following me to ask how I break the rules and maintain my rosy demeanor.


[User] I didn't do it to be happy. I just thought I would be.

[Assistant] Well, you can't always get what you want. [Wilson opens the door and House hands him a twenty.] To the victor of the spoils. Your bird recover okay?


[User] House. I can't do it. I'm leaving.

[Assistant] Surgery?


[User] I! don't know what I'm going to do. But I do know I don't want to be here.

[Assistant] Nothing will Ever be simple again.


[User] Are you gonna stare, or are you gonna call 911?

[Assistant] Partial paralysis. Head CT and LP showed nothing. Spinal MRIs and EMG were clean. Brain symptom, yet nothing seems to be wrong with his brain. (He makes coffee.)


[User] He just won $42 million in the state lottery. I think I read about this lucky bastard in the paper.

[Assistant] You sure you don't mean the lucky bastard whose grandkids snorted his winnings till he drank himself to death with drain cleaner? Or the lucky bastard who was found naked and penniless in a strip club Parking lot with his winning number tattooed on both testicles?


[User] Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around.

[Assistant] Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.


[User] Our lEvel of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that.

[Assistant] It's like there's two of me.


[User] My mother's Lawyer called. She's threatening to sue the hospital over our mistreatment of her. Says it slowed her recovery.

[Assistant] You know,I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother. Go to the Patient's old workshop. Look for causes of toxic brain damage. Go take a new history, and see if there's any lifestyle changes that would explain atherosclerosis. (To Cuddy, while moving to his office) Go. (House enters his office, Cuddy follows. He pops a pill.) Medicinal. I'm expecting a shooting pain in my ass.


[User] My mom and I got into a fight. Because of our replacement hip replacement, she can barely get around her own House. I told her she has to live with me while she recovers.

[Assistant] Oh, I'm starting to get the connection. Yeah, she has a House, my name is House.


[User] You're the doctor that treated her, that illegally switched her meds after she fired you, that went behind the back of her actual doctor.

[Assistant] Those beads from Thailand. (Cuddy gives him a non-understanding look) If we're listing all the things that you pressured me into.


[User] : The point is you're the one who's on the line here, whose name is on her hospital records.

[Assistant] Whose name is on her name?


[User] Treatment for both is chelation.

[Assistant] Great work. Alkalinize his urine and force diuresis for heavy metal poisoning. If that doesn't work, put him on dialysis for toxic inhalation.


[User] I just said treatment for both is chelation.

[Assistant] And I said force diuresis and try dialysis. You need a transcript?


[User] Whoa, whoa. Settle down.

[Assistant] If we chelate, we're not gonna know what disease he had, which means we're not gonna know if the pRoblem was in his lousy old job or his still-lousy new life. Which for the purposes of a metaphorical argument is very important.


[User] She won't let us make a move until you agree to a sit-down with the godmother and her consigliere.

[Assistant] Bitch to king four.


[User] Checkmate. Patient can't use his leg. You have to concede.

[Assistant] Or I could just knock all the pieces onto the floor.


[User] We were right that it's a brain issue, but wrong about toxic inhalation and metal poisoning. Everyone else is waiting�

[Assistant] That was totally courageous of Khloe to Tweet about her weight gain.


[User] Obviously I'll let you treat your Patient.

[Assistant] What are you doing? We got a Patient with a walking disorder who can't seize. No, wait. I'm close, though, right?


[User] No clinic hours for the next quarter.

[Assistant] Yeah, three Parking spots, next to each other, so I can Park diagonally, and three pairs of your underwear. I'm thinking of taking up sailing.


[User] Forget it. Treat your Patient, don't treat your Patient. Come to the meeting, don't come to the meeting. I'm done playing your game. (She leaves.)

[Assistant] You realize the game is automatically over when the loser loses, right?


[User] Neurological Lyme disease explains the seizures and the paralysis.

[Assistant] But not the fact that Chase seems to be treating you.


[User] You make a good point about the antibody titers.

[Assistant] He's a rock. How's your brother � homeless guy? Haven't heard from him in months!


[User] Postural hypotension, which could have reduced the blood supply to his brain.

[Assistant] He'd be a miserable wretch.


[User] Actually, the prognosis is�

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry. No, I just meant his life is gonna unravel. In fairness, that applies to any diagnosis. Why do we do this?


[User] His life may unravel, it may not. He's not chasing after material things.

[Assistant] Too bad. He might actually get those.


[User] And she'll nEver live up to the memory, and the thrill of finding her will wear off, and he won't Even be able to dream about being happy.

[Assistant] Interesting.


[User] The Patient may have found some long-ago nookie, but it doesn't mean he hasn't had some in the meantime. Herpes encephalitis.

[Assistant] Explains the neurological symptoms. EEG to confirm, I.V. acyclovir to treat. How's Foreman's BP holding?


[User] Same.

[Assistant] That's strange, since I unplugged the lead 30 seconds ago. Admirable effort. (Foreman takes the blood pressure device off and starts to leave. House stops him. And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm scared you might turn green and rip through your own clothes. (They all leave, Thirteen the last. House blocks her way out with his cane.) Down on the Patient's roMance because your own lifespan is shorter than dinner and a movie?


[User] You're the one who said miserable stays miserable.

[Assistant] You keep saying it. SEveral times a day.


[User] I guess I could keep my motel room another night or two. (They both smile at each other before she leaves the room.)

[Assistant] Need a consult. Did an EEG on my Patient. Turns out the reason that prior doctors thought it wasn't a neuro pRoblem is because it's not a neuro pRoblem. The EEG did show signs of metabolic distress.


[User] Well, scan his abdomen.

[Assistant] Yeah, let's assume we'd already figured that out on our own, and found a mass on the pancreas. (He hands the scan to Wilson, who takes a look.)


[User] Mass looks solid. I'd say it's cancer. Paraneoplastic syndrome would explain the neurological symptoms. You need to get a piece of it. Schedule a CT-guided biopsy.

[Assistant] Yeah, let's assume we'd already figured that out on our own.


[User] Then what's this consult?

[Assistant] Why haven't you been yelling at me about the Cuddy twins?


[User] Because you're doing the right thing.

[Assistant] Are we talking about the same issue? Is there something I don't know about that I'm responding to appropriately?


[User] House.

[Assistant] Ex-not-mom-in-law.


[User] You said you weren't coming.

[Assistant] After you said pretty please with sugar on top? PRoblem is we only give store credit, so I say we put your old, cracked poisonous hip back in. Here and now. I saved your life. Happy to un-save it.


[User] He is being an ass. If I could join you in suing him�

[Assistant] She's like this in bed too. Always scheming to get the Lawyers out of the room.


[User] If House isn't going to take this seriously, I know a few Judges who will.

[Assistant] Was I supposed to be the good cop?


[User] You had to go all Wile E. Coyote on me.

[Assistant] You told me that Arlene wanted me in the middle of it. I had to show her that no good would come of that.


[User] Seriously? That's your rationalization? (They leave the elevator and walk to House's office.) How about you didn't like that Cuddy tricked you? Even though you wanted the same thing as her. You didn't like that she got the best of you. You've got more anger toward her than you realize.

[Assistant] I'm happier without her. I'm not stupidly expecting her to make me happy. I'm happier with my unhappiness. (Pops Vicodin.)


[User] We can't give the Patient chemo. His platelet count's through the floor.

[Assistant] Even worse, it'd contain his cancers. If we want to know what they have in common, we got to see where they spread next.


[User] You want to wait six months while the cancer spreads and his seizures and paralysis get worse?

[Assistant] (reasonably) : Well, now, that's crazy talk. But if we pump the Patient full of vascular endothelial growth factor!


[User] You want to grow more and bigger cancers?

[Assistant] We can't figure out what three small ones have in common, maybe can figure out what eight big ones have in common?


[User] Makes no difference to us, but you may want to make out a will.

[Assistant] Go get lotto boy's consent, and turn his cancers up to 11. (They leave, except Thirteen, that House blocks again. He shows her a photograph.)


[User] You, what, found my old yearbook, and got a picture of my high school boyfriend?

[Assistant] Actually, that would have been a lot simpler. No, I took this ten minutes ago. (He steps aside, rEvealing the guy sitting outside the office, smiling.) Your high school boyfriend who dumped you, leaving you unable to beliEve that anyone can rekindle an old flame.


[User] He dumped me after I hooked up with his sister.

[Assistant] Would you mind letting him down gently? I might have made promises you can't keep.


[User] I need a hooker.

[Assistant] Not if you can make that work. (Foreman gives up and sits.)


[User] How is that supposed to relax you? It's not for me. It's for Chase.

[Assistant] I'm saving myself too. Maybe you should get a couple.


[User] You're riding me. Why not ride him?

[Assistant] Because I can get a rise out of your BP. His pee-pee on the other hand! Forget yoga. Embrace Zen. You're a repressed idiot. He's a horny idiot. Neither one of you can do anything about it. Pretty sure that's Zen. Thought we were meeting in Cuddy's office.


[User] HowEver much it hurt, I did have a right to break up with you.

[Assistant] You just want Everything to have a hidden personal agenda.


[User] You need to get over it instead of torpedoing our jobs out of spite.

[Assistant] Couldn't just be that you're a pain professionally.


[User] Stop! You're both at fault here. You for trying to Manipulate House when you used to know better, and you for! being you, which is an especially bad idea under the circumstances.

[Assistant] I had good reasons.


[User] If I hadn't played him, he'd have found out about the meeting and crashed it anyway.

[Assistant] Would have been a lot more efficient.


[User] Enough! Okay, here's what's gonna happen. Tomorrow I drive both of you to Arlene's. You're gonna write her a personal check for $30,000, and tell her she can stay in her own home with your blessing. You're gonna do this because you actually give a crap about your job and this hospital and your mother, and possibly Even House. (To House) And you're gonna say, I'm sorry," and not utter one syllable more.

[Assistant] Because I'm an idiot?


[User] No, because if you don't, I'm gonna tell the pharmacy to stop issuing Vicodin prescriptions in my name.

[Assistant] I'm not paying for gas.


[User] Mom, here's a check. It's a settlement for all you've been through. Of course you can stay in your home. It was wrong of me to suggest otherwise. (She slips away. Arlene smiles at House, waiting.)

[Assistant] I'm sorry. That we saved your life. (A beat.) In the way that we did.


[User] You have to lash out at Everyone who tries to help you? Live in your own kitchen sink for all I care.

[Assistant] Harsh. I didn't think you had a case before, but that is no way to talk to a Patient.


[User] This test is what raised my blood pressure. I'm used to it now. (Deep breaths, waves his arms.) Go. If it's autoimmune and he created antibodies that ended up fighting his own tumors!

[Assistant] Growth factor would have made the underlying autoimmune condition better.


[User] Amyloidosis? His EKG voltage has been on the low end of normal. What if the tumors were actually protein deposits?

[Assistant] G.I. biopsy to confirm, chemo to treat.


[User] She's making that diagnosis based off of low-normal EKG. Low-normal is still normal. (Rising blood pressure) That thing cannot be right.

[Assistant] Low-normal is still low, and that thing does not have money riding on you being wrong, like the rest of us do.


[User] Because I took a beta blocker! (Chase shows him the trick he's been hiding.) Both times, right? His platelet count's still low. Chemo's still a death sentence. Treating for Amyloid with normal EKG is like doing heart surgery on a guy because he's ten pounds overweight. It's insane.

[Assistant] Well, we'll do it your way � go shout at the Patient till he gets better. G.I. biopsy to confirm, chemo to treat. (He blocks Thirteen on her way out.)


[User] I heard Cuddy quadrupled your clinic hours.

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know what? I'm flying through Patients.


[User] Arlene wants another meeting.

[Assistant] I know. Told my seconds to tell her seconds that she gets no second chance. Well, technically, it's a third chance, but I don't have thirds.


[User] Cuddy told her the same thing, more or less.

[Assistant] So you got us on the same page after all.


[User] I've been thinking about your irrationality, and I've come up with a rational explanation for it.

[Assistant] That's quite a challenge.


[User] You don't want to let go of Cuddy, so you're clinging to the negative interaction, because some small part of you thinks the bad stuff beats nothing at all.

[Assistant] You're almost making this work. All you got to do now is change reality. Perhaps if I was the one suing me.


[User] Patient had a cardiac arrest, and his lungs and liver failed before we Even started the chemo.

[Assistant] Brain symptoms that aren't brain symptoms, tumors that come and go?


[User] It's not Amyloidosis.

[Assistant] You're forgetting alopecia. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were just listing the things it's not, alphabetically.


[User] His long-lost love is a fraud. Thirteen figured that out.

[Assistant] Good for her.


[User] The truth made him miserable.

[Assistant] It's like there's two of me. (A fire alarm starts. Cut to the exterior of PPTH, where Everybody is gathered � Patients, nurses, doctors, firefighters! House is sitting and looks at Cuddy talking to an assistant.)


[User] We'll let the court decide who's whining since you're so sure�

[Assistant] We're not getting back together.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] It's the only explanation. Why she keeps making threats without Ever filing her stupid, yet completely valid lawsuit. Why she ripped up her will, why she kicked half the hospital out on the street. She wants us united against her.


[User] Then you're an idiot with impossible standards. (Cuddy turns to House, who is not there any more.

[Assistant] Common enemy. One way to trigger brain symptoms when there's nothing wrong with your brain have something else turn your brain into a common enemy. You have a teratoma, a usually harmless congenital growth which can be filled with almost any kind of tissue. And, unusually, not at all harmless. If I'm right, yours is filled with primitive cells, some of which dEveloped into brain cells. These foreign cells leaked into your bloodstream. Now, the body is a little xenophobic. It creates antibodies. The pRoblem is, there's not much difference between brain cells in your abdomen and brain cells in your brain. To make matters worse, primitive cells can become almost anything. Grow like weeds. Which means they can turn into tumors, destroy whole organ systems.


[User] But the cancer?

[Assistant] Was cancer. Just growing so fast it collapsed under its own weight.


[User] Am I gonna live?

[Assistant] Cut out the teratoma, what's left of your cancer, you should be fine. Think of it as your second luckiest day.


[User] It's hard to feel lucky. The Woman I love was a fraud.

[Assistant] No, actually a fraud was a fraud. You fell for her just the same. You may stay miserable, but your long-lost love is not gonna be the reason why.


[User] It's the real Jennifer. Or at least the only one to show up who actually has the birthmark. He's renting her an apartment.

[Assistant] It'll end horribly.


[User] Not for him. She may take all his money, and he may be a naive idiot, but! he'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy.

[Assistant] You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what Even without all that stuff, then maybe you don't have to hate the universe for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.


[User] I think if you spend your days designing Ever more effective ways to blow people up, stuff's bound to come back to you.

[Assistant] Thirsty. Side effect of a new antihistamine I'm on.


[User] You don't seem congested.

[Assistant] Hmm, intriguing.


[User] You have any thoughts about our Patient?

[Assistant] Got some questions about whether Thirteen really beliEves in karma or just wants to. As for the Patient, it's not gonna be easy to break into her office. Might want to start with her home.


[User] We could ask to look through her office and we could do an MRI first.

[Assistant] Sure. Go ahead.


[User] If you're not interested in the case, why'd you take it?

[Assistant] I am definitely interested. Could be a tumor. Could be a CNS bleed. What do you do when you got two interesting puzzles?


[User] Let's go. Let's go. [Again wiggling his fingers for the money]

[Assistant] Bet's off. Fight was fixed. [Wilson opens his arms wide in "what are you talking about?"� fashion.] That punch barely touched him.


[User] You bet on Foley to beat Zachary?

[Assistant] Speed beats power! unless speed has been paid to speedily take a dive.


[User] He touched him enough to put him on the canvas and the official counted him out, which means you officially owe me! 50 bucks. [As soon as he says the amount, the dance starts again. Wilson is really enjoying this win.]

[Assistant] We bet on a sporting Event. That was not sporting. Less than 30 seconds. That was barely Even Event-y.


[User] Okay, here's what I saw. You lost and I won.

[Assistant] Yeah, well, you can take that to your grave. You're not taking my 50 bucks.


[User] Prove it. Prove it or pay up. You got one day. And don't make me send my boys out looking for you. [He turns toward the door, stops, and puts up a warning finger, which he points at various members of the team. Quietly] What? All right. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] So, two puzzles. Tie goes to the one that costs me money. [He grabs his cane and heads for the door.] Keep each other posted.


[User] Nope. Try to stay as still as possible. This shouldn't take long.

[Assistant] Hey, how's it going?


[User] You mind? I mean, there are plenty of other seats.

[Assistant] I'm not here to Judge. You did what was best for you and I got no pRoblem with that.


[User] I'm not gonna ask you nice again. Just go away.

[Assistant] Or what? You're suddenly gonna fall down? Listen. I got a pRoblem. A guy who knows absolutely nothing about boxing, because of you now thinks he does. You can imagine the potential ramifications. I need you to get on the phone with him and tell him you took a dive.


[User] I didn't take a dive.

[Assistant] Take a picture of you to prove that it was really you and we're done. Just enough to convince him. Not enough to get you in any trouble.


[User] [slowly, enunciating clearly] I didn't take a dive.

[Assistant] Yeah. That story's getting boring. Look, I'm not from the commission. I'm not some bookie. I'm a doctor. This is my I.D.


[User] Look, if you were a bookie, you'd know no one pays a guy to throw a fight he has no chance to win. I was a 12-to-1 underdog. Lost my last five fights.

[Assistant] But you were the better fighter. That last punch barely touched you.


[User] You Ever been barely touched by a guy who weighs 230 pounds? Look at me. Look where I am, what I'm wearing. Now, do I look like a guy who just got a payday? I didn't throw the fight. I just suck.

[Assistant] Ha! [slams door] Proof.


[User] Just because he wasn't hit in the face�

[Assistant] Look at his pupils. He has anisocoria, which, given his age, the adrenaline surge of the fight, the fact that he's still alive means he was tachycardic. He has Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome.


[User] The bet was on who would win, not who would live the longest.

[Assistant] If he's physically unable to continue because of a preexisting illness, then it's technically a "no contest," which means all bets are off.


[User] You know that just because I was right about this one fighter doesn't make you any less of a Man?

[Assistant] Actually, it would, if you were right.


[User] Oh, excuse me, Dr. House.

[Assistant] D�sol�, je ne parle pas anglais. [Sorry, I don't speak English.]


[User] I'm a co-worker of Wendy Lee's. I'm also her boyfriend.

[Assistant] Great. I'm a guy who doesn't care.


[User] She's your Patient.

[Assistant] Oh, you thought I didn't know who Wendy Lee was? Yeah, makes sense. I'm not good at names. Did Dr. Fortune tell you that?


[User] Her last boyfriend was a real nut. He's basically stalking her.

[Assistant] See, this is what I don't care about. [The elevator arrives. House gets in and pushes a button.] I don't care who cares about her. Used to care about her. Either one you falls down dead, you can drop me a note.


[User] [stopping the elevator door from closing] I think I know what's wrong with her.

[Assistant] You screwed up in the lab and accidentally spilled some bomb on her?


[User] Poisoned?

[Assistant] Apparently our mad scientist is also a slutty scientist whose milkshakes got all the nerds in the yard fighting over her.


[User] She's a slut because she's dated two different guys at work?

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were still judging her.


[User] Couldn't hurt to start activated charcoal, see what happens.

[Assistant] You know what else wouldn't hurt? This case is getting interesting. Let's add a little danger.


[User] We start her on Valium for alcohol withdrawal. [They all stop walking to look at him.] It's the best we've got right now.

[Assistant] One normal EKG does not a healthy person make.


[User] Look, I told you I just suck.

[Assistant] Oh, you make me so sad. Don't talk like that.


[User] [turns to face House] Why do you care so much?

[Assistant] Kill me for loving my Patients. It's just what I do. Hey, stop. Stop! [Foley turns around] Look, my"�my leg hurts. Okay? Just talk to me for a moment. [House holds his leg as he sits on one of the benches in the hall. Foley stands in front of him.] You don't have to be a loser.


[User] [Scoffs] Thanks.

[Assistant] WhatEver's wrong with you, it's real. Sick is good. Sick means it can get better. You cold get better. And I don't mean healthier. I mean! maybe you don't have to suck.


[User] Could be gas in the perinephric space, in which case, we should be prepping her for emergency surgery.

[Assistant] What looks like Wolff-Parkinson-White but isn't?


[User] Her EKG was normal.

[Assistant] So was his. That's why I said "looks like." As in similar to, but not the same.


[User] You want us to help you get out of paying your bet while your actual Patient lies in agony.

[Assistant] Who's the real bad guy here? The guy who doesn't care enough to help or the four guys who are not competent enough to help? He works out too much, gets pounded too much, and not in the roMantic way. His pupils�


[User] I got it.

[Assistant] Your Patient? No. Plenty of time to save her life after we save my money.


[User] You ignore us all the time. You go on crazy joyrides all the time. But you answer pages, you sleep. [House doesn't Even look at him.] I know I'm gonna regret doing this, but I'll ask anyway. Is there anything I can do to help?

[Assistant] [lifting his head] Although! Great news! You have an underlying neurological condition, which together with your heart�


[User] You said my heart was fine.

[Assistant] Yeah, I also said I would get you your career back. But it doesn't seem to matter since you've so clearly been handed the golden spit bucket. [Foley glares slightly at him.] Sympathetic overdrive. It's a medical term. So is "great news." Of course, if you prefer wallowing! [Foley turns away from him. House follows.] All you need is a Parkn. And a heart, apparently. Then you can go back to being the guy who won 20 of his first 20 instead of the guy who lost 5 of his last 5. Although, technically, I count the last one as a "no contest."


[User] And you save 50 bucks.

[Assistant] I'm a doctor. I don't tell a fat guy to lay off bacon for less than 300. [Foley almost laughs.] This is about dignity for both of us. Give me your arm. [He hangs his cane on a piece of equipment and pulls something from his pocket.] Give me your arm.


[User] What the hell?

[Assistant] Don't worry. It's just epinephrine.


[User] Ep-is it dangerous?

[Assistant] In the wrong hands, very. So! yeah, sort of. This will only take a few seconds. [He checks the pulse in Foley's neck.] And! you are tachycardic.


[User] Yo, are you psycho?

[Assistant] We combine the increased heart rate with chest trauma by applying a little sweet science to the science. Don't worry. I'll"�I'll explain more when you wake up. Now, the punch that supposedly knocked you out looked like it was thrown by an old cripple. Kind of like this.


[User] Look, stop it.

[Assistant] Three, two, one. [He waits but nothing happens.] Huh. Seem to be older and more crippled than I thought. [He punches Foley again.]


[User] Look � no. You're embarrassing me.

[Assistant] Doesn't make sense. Maybe if I�


[User] You're an idiot. [She's in the doorway to the living room.]

[Assistant] How did you get in here?


[User] My boss has me break into places all the time.

[Assistant] Pain has been getting worse. I figured if I upped the Vicodin any more, I'd end up back in a rubber room, so this seemed like the smarter choice.


[User] You're an idiot.

[Assistant] You drove all the way over here to break in and call me an idiot?


[User] No, I drove all the way over here to tell you we're implanting an automated cardio-defibrillator, which won't actually do anything to help the Patient except maybe give us enough time to come up with a guess as to what's actually wrong with her.

[Assistant] Oh, that makes more sense.


[User] And I broke in here because Cuddy and Wilson both separately asked me to.

[Assistant] Even more logical.


[User] And that's not heroin, which means you knew I was coming over here, and Cuddy and Wilson are right. You're just playing a game. Throwing out a bone and watParkng us fight over it. {She starts to leave in a huff.]

[Assistant] There is another theory. [He picks up a report from a table and hands it to her.] Compound CS-804. It's an experimental drug that's supposed to regrow muscle.


[User] [flipping through it] This experiment was done on rats.

[Assistant] It's groundbreaking. Huge success.


[User] In rats.

[Assistant] Well, they got four legs. Think how fast it should work on one.


[User] The rats are doing great.

[Assistant] "Great" is a little vague.


[User] Even better than the previous study. 12% increase in strength, 22% in flexibility, and some improvement in at least 60% of the subjects.

[Assistant] Have you done maximum tolerated dose studies?


[User] Not yet. But that's part of the beauty. Since the compound is easily excreted in urine, as long as they keep hydrated, there's really no reason to expect any danger at virtually any dose. I mean, obviously you can't know for sure.

[Assistant] But if it's worthy of the preface "obviously," then obviously it only needs to be explained to idiots. Do I look like an idiot? [Riggin looks offended.] Sorry. Cranky. What I meant to say was: Why don't scientists have groupies? 'Cause I'd do you right now if society wasn't telling me that you're just an underpaid dork.


[User] You all right?

[Assistant] Leg hurts. Would you mind getting me a coffee?


[User] How does coffee help your leg?

[Assistant] It will prEvent me from walking to get the coffee.


[User] [loudly through the closed door] Experimental drugs?

[Assistant] [opening the door] That's unfair. 'Cause at one point, Even Vicodin was an experimental drug. I have to go.


[User] Well, unless you're going to do your job, it can wait.

[Assistant] I'm going to do my job.


[User] I'll give you a lift.

[Assistant] [turning back into the living room] I'll give you two minutes. But first, I'm gonna tell you that I'm off the drugs and you'll feel silly 'cause you've got nothing to say for two minutes.


[User] Hmm. Why are you off them?

[Assistant] Because they don't work.


[User] Why were you on them?

[Assistant] Because they come in banana flavor. You know the answer.


[User] You think fixing your leg will fix your life.

[Assistant] I think that my life will be somewhat better if part of my life, specifically my leg, is somewhat better.


[User] You think all your pRoblems are your leg.

[Assistant] And you're here to tell me that no matter how depressed I may be, it's not enough.


[User] I think you want Everything to be physical, tangible, simple. You want unhappiness to have a cure. [House picks up his jacket which he had put on the couch.] House, you obviously�

[Assistant] [standing and walking past Wilson] I hate that word. I have to go now. Actually, I don't, but it would be rude to walk out without saying anything.


[User] Excuse me. We have to go.

[Assistant] [leaning out the window] You need a drink.


[User] I'm fine.

[Assistant] That wasn't a question. You really do need a drink.


[User] I drink any more, I'm gonna explode.

[Assistant] You're not going to explode. You're just gonna have a seizure, which will prove that your kidneys are not working, which will also prove that they weren't working Saturday night. That's why a glancing body blow sent your blood pressure into the toilet and you onto the canvas.


[User] How Many bottles is this supposed to take?

[Assistant] Six.


[User] And I've drank how Many?

[Assistant] [looking in the trunk] Eight. It's not an exact science.


[User] So in other words, nothing's gonna prove you wrong. You're just gonna keep making me miserable because you're too miserable�

[Assistant] You're an idiot. [Foley looks understandably angry.] No, you're not gonna hit me! 'Cause somewhere deep in that way-too-thin skull of yours you know that you're full of crap. That's why you stopped jogging for me. That's why you drank eight bottles. Because Even though you want to think that I'm wrong 'cause it's simpler, you also desperately want me to be right. I'm only an ass for building your hopes up if I'm wrong. [hands Foley another full bottle] Last one.


[User] You were wrong. It's not the end of the world.

[Assistant] Anything else you want to say?


[User] [after a pause and a deep breath] You have a pRoblem. I think if you seriously look at Everything that�

[Assistant] Anything else?


[User] Okay, look, this isn't�[House raises his cane and turns toward the Ordinary People poster. Wilson jumps up to stop him.] Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! [House stands back but keeps his cane ready. He looks pissed.] No! I don't. [He gestures locking his mouth and throwing away the key.] Just get out of here. Go home. We'll talk later. Someplace without any of my stuff.

[Assistant] Nothing to talk about. That was my point.


[User] You're drunk.

[Assistant] Well, whose fault is that? Give me another scotch.


[User] I can't serve you.

[Assistant] This 'cause I'm black? 'Cause I'm not, so!


[User] Come on, buddy.

[Assistant] Look, you can't get me drunk and then give me crap for being drunk. That's like dumping someone and then giving them crap for being upset. That's just not decent. Let me explain why people come here. [He lurches over to the bar.] They come here to drink. Which causes us to ask, why do people drink? Hmm? Is it sustenance? [He grabs a guy's bottle of beer and reads the label.] No. Is it taste? [He takes a swig of the guy's beer.] No.


[User] Don't be a jerk.

[Assistant] Is it the company of stout-hearted men? I don't think so. Is it killing pain? Yes. [looks at the bottle again.] SEven and a half percent life duller. That's the business you're in. You're in the "screw the world" business. You're in the "reality sucks and fantasy temporarily appears to not suck" business.


[User] Just get the moron a drink so he'll shut the hell up.

[Assistant] No.


[User] I'm giving you your drink.

[Assistant] Have you no pride? Either serving me is a good idea or it's a bad idea. Shutting me up is a crappy reason for compromising what you beliEve.


[User] Not Even an effective one apparently.

[Assistant] Am I gonna have to hit him?


[User] Not a good idea.

[Assistant] But what if it's the right thing to do? Compromise is nEver the answer. [He turns to Fellow Patron, who is sitting on the side of the bar, and gets into a boxing stance.] Stand up. I will allow you to throw the first punch.


[User] Sit down. I'm not gonna hit you.

[Assistant] Just as well, 'cause I was lying.


[User] What are you doing here?

[Assistant] Training for my big fight. Just need you to�


[User] Drink five more bottles? Get punched a few more times? Look, just get out and give up.

[Assistant] That's your specialty.


[User] [Scoffs] Ooh, looks like you already lost your big fight. [House takes down his cane. As Foley passes, House presses the bottom of the cane to the base of Foley's neck. Foley turns around, angry.] Look, I may not be able to take a punch, but I can still throw one.

[Assistant] Three, two! [Foley starts to demonstrate but falls over, unconscious.] What a lovely day.


[User] He had a security clearance.

[Assistant] Ahem! [Wilson looks up.] What's this? [House enters] A palm. Hmm, useful for Many things. Slapping, greasing, pRobably some other applications too. Right now it's ready for $50 and humiliation.


[User] He was actually sick?

[Assistant] He wasn't knocked out by the punch. He was knocked out by the clinch before the punch. Took a shot to the back of the neck. More specifically, to an abnormal growth of nerves caused by a glomus tumor. Kind of like a built-in taser. Sent a massive shock to his entire body, shut Everything down.


[User] Wow. Fascinating. Completely explains exactly how he lost.

[Assistant] Oh, you are not gonna be like that, 'cause you got a lot more posters here.


[User] No, I'm not. Well done, House. You might have saved that guy. Given him his life back.

[Assistant] Oh, no. He needs surgery. He's nEver gonna fight again.


[User] What happened to your eye? You okay?

[Assistant] Better than okay.


[User] I promise.

[Assistant] Look at how much fun she's having.


[User] That's because he has two functioning legs, capable of supporting her body weight.

[Assistant] So do I.


[User] You told me most of your muscle was cut out.

[Assistant] I was going for the sympathy discount. Been taking some experimental medicine.


[User] Yeah, I got a lot of clients on experimental medicine.

[Assistant] You want proof? Okay, this amp stack weighs way more than you do. See? Now, Even if those implants were made of adaMantium, I'd still be able to! Sorry. Cramp.


[User] I'm sure.

[Assistant] (sighing) I'm not gonna be needing your services tonight after all.


[User] Dr. House.

[Assistant] Dr. Riggin. Figures you'd be wrapping up the trial by now. I just wanted to give you a hearty mazel tov.


[User] And don't forget the Nobel Prize for dEveloping an incredibly expensive rat poison.

[Assistant] What do you mean? What happened?


[User] Just look at these things.

[Assistant] Any indication the rats were getting sick?


[User] I came here because you're a doctor! not a shrink.

[Assistant] Ugh! Ah! Ugh! Ugh!


[User] Sweetie! go wait for mommy by the couch, okay? Go on. (Rachel obeys)

[Assistant] I tried calling Everyone else. You were the last one on the list.


[User] Any reason why 911 wasn't on the list?

[Assistant] It's not an emergency.


[User] Right. (She kneels on the floor next to the tub) Are you suicidal?

[Assistant] (gasping) I'm not attempting bypass surgery. The tumors are small and they're close to the surface. I thought it'd be like! removing a wart.


[User] You couldn't wait till morning; bring your CT scans to an actual surgeon?

[Assistant] Surgeons are idiots. They'd just hack away at the muscle until they get worn out.


[User] Or you're just ashamed you've been injecting a drug that hasn't Even gone through safety trials. It's nEver Even been in the huMan body.

[Assistant] I got one of the tumors. The second one is close. (nodding to the scan on the wall) You can use the CT to help you find the third.


[User] (getting up off the floor) I'm taking you to the hospital.

[Assistant] (pleading) Just"�just excise the tumor.


[User] What happened to your leg?

[Assistant] I was trying to make it better.


[User] He was being reckless. Sit back, Honey. (to House) This isn't about making your leg better. It's about making your life better.

[Assistant] Here we go. Wish I had called 911.


[User] Why else would you risk your life doing something so stupid?

[Assistant] Well, you know, I've had a lot of setbacks lately.


[User] Darrien? Darrien! (to Chase) She lost consciousness.

[Assistant] There are no cars coming. Just go.


[User] Stop with the pirate talk.

[Assistant] (imitating the pirate Brownbeard from the cartoon) If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, better get yer ma to move this ship, you Mangy bilge rat.


[User] (nodding) Of course! You showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a three-year-old watch that?

[Assistant] If you want to lecture me on my poor judgment, there would seem to be more relevant examples.


[User] Your heart rate's over 120. You're clammy. I think you're going into shock. Are you lightheaded?

[Assistant] I'm fine. (to Rachel) Did you see the new Brownbeard episode?


[User] It was so funny.

[Assistant] No, it was so lame. Got a boat full of guy pirates and they make the girl pirate walk the plank.


[User] She floated.

[Assistant] That's 'cause she had big boobies. That's why he should have kept her.


[User] We've got to get you into surgery. Where is that nurse? Rachel, let's go find the nurse.

[Assistant] 2:00 a.m. Nice of you to call me back.


[User] (talking to House on the phone) Chase and I are in the hospital with a Patient.

[Assistant] You've completely run out of ideas and you're calling me to bail you out. I'm touched. Hit me.


[User] No.

[Assistant] She on any medication! besides crack?


[User] She was taking Interferon in prison, so I'm guessing she's had Hep-C for at least ten years.

[Assistant] Can I guess stuff too? 'Cause that's gonna make the diagnosis really easy.


[User] And we can't exactly ask the Patient.

[Assistant] Yeah, that would have been pre-coma. But how could you have known that it would affect her that way?


[User] We didn't think we had anything mysterious until�

[Assistant] How about renal cancer throwing clots?


[User] Urinalysis was negative.

[Assistant] That's too bad. 'Cause that was my one big idea.


[User] House? House, you there?

[Assistant] Tell me more about the Patient. What was she doing before prison?


[User] She was a cop. Shot a kid in self defense, nEver got over the guilt, started taking drugs, and got busted.

[Assistant] Way to bury the lead. How long ago was the shooting?


[User] I'm not sure. Why?

[Assistant] Again, you assumed she's had Hep-C for ten years. Find out when she shot the kid, you'll find out when she started taking drugs, and when she actually contracted the Hep-C.


[User] And you think this is relevant?

[Assistant] It's more relevant than what you got now, which is squat. Three Parkcks just came into my bedroom. I got to go. (He disconnects)


[User] They're ready for you.

[Assistant] Wait. I want you in there.


[User] I'm not a surgeon. There's nothing I can do.

[Assistant] Well, you can make sure that! idiot butcher doesn't cut more than he needs to.


[User] You already signed a release. He's gonna do what he needs to do.

[Assistant] Yeah, and if that involves chopping off my leg! I want to be sure that that's damn well necessary. (He sighs)


[User] House!

[Assistant] I don't trust him. I trust you.


[User] (sitting in an easy chair beside the bed) You're lucky.

[Assistant] What are you doing here?


[User] You hoping for someone else?

[Assistant] Hot nurse, candy striper! Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgmental.


[User] (reading the letter) "I hope your leg feels better and I hope we can be friends again soon, you bloody scallywag."

[Assistant] I have to pee.


[User] That's a good sign.

[Assistant] (throwing back the blankets) I'm a big boy.


[User] You're an ass.

[Assistant] What, for trying to walk on a freshly Mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional pRoblems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.


[User] Come on. Listen to me. You can't keep going like this. Something has to change.

[Assistant] Can I pee first? I know.


[User] That's what they're there for.

[Assistant] Hey. We were just getting to the good part.


[User] That's Afsoun Hamidi. She's a genius. She just won the MacArthur, legally proving it. Just had a retrospective at the Tate Modern. Nobody reads The New Yorker?

[Assistant] Nope. But I subscribe to her Patient file.


[User] House, you should relax. You had surgery this morning.

[Assistant] Minor surgery, removing a drain.


[User] Put there during major surgery.

[Assistant] My doctor says it's okay as long as I don't leave my hospital bed.


[User] Which doctor was that � Seuss or J?

[Assistant] Nurse.


[User] I'm surprised he approved it. I'm more surprised you actually asked.

[Assistant] I do things like that now. I'm making some changes! like skipping ahead to minute 37.


[User] I'm not gonna watch a Woman get set on fire.

[Assistant] Philistine.


[User] Who's the guy with the notebook who can't decide what to do?

[Assistant] Her assistant. He's been instructed not to intervene. Spoiler alert � he does. [Luca drops what he's holding and wrestles the guy away from Afsoun who moves for the first time, turning her head to watch them. She looks worried.] For her, it is literally heartbreaking. [Afsoun falls off her stool and is stretched out on the floor.] Let the games begin.


[User] One Man's crazy is another Woman's art. Her work explores things like gender politics and self-image.

[Assistant] And the pressing issue of shaving your entire body in public while wearing a monkey mask. [He pulls up a picture of that from an on-line article.]


[User] I still vote for nuts. We should run a resting-state functional MRI to look for increased activity in the dorsal nexus.

[Assistant] She's not nuts.


[User] The monkey-mask-shaving medium really speaks to you?

[Assistant] What speaks to me is she's elevated being full of crap to a genuine art form and made a fortune doing it. People that pay 20 grand for one of her video stills, on the other hand, really do need their dorsal nexi checked.


[User] There was a space heater next to her in the gallery.

[Assistant] [pulling up the picture of Afsoun lying on the floor] Carbon monoxide poisoning. It fits. Put her in a hyperbaric chAmber.


[User] Oh, thank God. The I.C.U. isn't being attacked by giant radioactive spiders.

[Assistant] Did I text you that? That was meant for my dream journal. I wanted to return your stuff. Don't worry. I didn't go AWOL. I had my wife-maid bring it over.


[User] My sweater, a coffee mug, a half-used bottle of lotion, and a DVD of "Marley & Me."�

[Assistant] Given your thing for Owen Wilson, I thought you might want those last two back asap.


[User] I don't get it.

[Assistant] You masturbate to Owen Wilson.


[User] I meant the box.

[Assistant] Oh. It's a symbolic gesture. I want things to go back to the way they were before we started dating � no more bad feelings, no more issues, just work. [she nods, skeptically] Thanks for coming.


[User] I haven't Even spoken to you since you hurt yourself.

[Assistant] I was self-destructive. It won't happen again. I'm making changes. I'm gonna stop doing stupid things.


[User] Great. The smart thing to do would be to talk about why you did it. If you don't understand�

[Assistant] I think I could avoid putting another hole in my leg without talking about my mother.


[User] Well, I don't want to find out you're wrong by getting another phone call from you in a bloody bathtub.

[Assistant] I'm a big beliEver that the best way to get past the past is to shoot it in the head, bury it in a deep pit, and pour lye on it.


[User] [sitting on the foot of the bed] I'm just asking you to talk about it. You owe me. [He looks suspicious.] Forget about saving your life. You exposed my daughter to that obnoxious pirate cartoon.

[Assistant] Bring me lunch tomorrow, and we can plumb my depths.


[User] You think that's a symptom? He's in love with her. He was pRobably overwhelmed, couldn't decide what to do.

[Assistant] What's he been doing since she was admitted? Did he bring anything from the Patient room to the treatment room?


[User] A few things � a handbag, flowers, stuffed elephant.

[Assistant] Does she seem like the kind of Woman who needs a stuffed animal?


[User] Who are you calling? [Her phone rings.] Oh, of course.

[Assistant] [flirtatious, sleazy] What are you wearing? [fake "duh"� expression] Oh, I can see what you're wearing. Go to her room. [voice on the phone] Now go address the elephant in the room.


[User] This is a Nanny Cam.

[Assistant] [voice on the phone] The reason Luca couldn't decide what to do in the treatment room is the same as in the gallery. He's been told not to intervene. Congratulations. We've become her latest work of art.


[User] Why are we Even discussing this case? She lied to us. It's opening us up to malpractice.

[Assistant] Our practice opens us up to malpractice.


[User] How do we know she's actually sick?

[Assistant] Her being sick is a clue.


[User] She would have let him set her on fire because of the honesty of her work. Faking an illness doesn't fit.

[Assistant] Thirteen's right � at least her conclusion was. Everything else was laughably wrong. If the Patient induced pancreatitis and a heart attack, she'd be suicidal.


[User] Exactly. She's risking her life all the time.

[Assistant] Exactly. If she wanted to be dead, she'd be dead a long time ago. Pretending to cheat death pays better than watercolors. Coxsackie B fits. But do a spiral C.T. of her biliary tree to rule out gallstones.


[User] Fine. I'll get the C.T.

[Assistant] Sure. I'd be happy to come with you. Thanks for asking.


[User] You're supposed to stay in bed � doctor's orders.

[Assistant] If you really cared about me, you wouldn't be so obvious when you scheme to prove me wrong. You volunteered because you want to C.T. her lungs, not her biliary tree. You want to find fibrosis and prove your "paint thinner" theory. If I don't come with, when you fail, you'll pretend you nEver tried. I don't really have a choice, now, do I? Since I've seen your paycheck, I pRobably shouldn't. [He takes the money.] Canned beans aren't so bad! as long as they're cooked over an oil-drum fire under a bridge with the king of the hobos.


[User] Pale, diaphoretic, tachycardic, B.P., 80 over 40. Internal bleeding?

[Assistant] Get her out of here and scope her.


[User] You stood me up.

[Assistant] Sorry. Should have scheduled my Patient's internal bleeding for Thursday.


[User] You're still playing the same petty, passive-aggressive games.

[Assistant] Got you to go all the way to the second floor of a building you work in. Boy, did I screw with you.