[User] So you accept that fact. You accept that there's nothing you can do.

[Assistant] Okay, I accept the fact that there's nothing I can do. Now, what can I do?


[User] You acknowledge failure, and you move past it. You apologize.

[Assistant] Wow. Powerful things, these apologies. Get someone to jump off a building and you say two words and you move on with your life. Hardly seems fair.


[User] Is that the issue? You caused him pain. If the world is just, you have to suffer equally? [House lets this sink in as Nolan laughs slightly.] You're not God, House. You're just another screwed-up huMan being who needs to move on. Apologize to him. Let yourself feel better. Then you can learn to let yourself! keep feeling better.

[Assistant] Hey.


[User] Dr. House, Everything okay?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] Sure you do. You all do. Steve, don't you think that Diane has hidden talent that we'd all like to see come out? [Steve doesn't move.]

[Assistant] You really think he's gonna answer?


[User] Eventually.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because things pass.

[Assistant] Things change. It doesn't mean they get better. You gotta make things better, you can't just keep talking and hope for the best. [House starts looking in the distance, puzzled.]


[User] Diane, maybe you and I can work together and figure something out.

[Assistant] [getting up] I can save him. "They stole her voice box."� That's what he said. That's what she was staring at. That's why she's staring. [He goes to the window of the office.]


[User] Dr. House, please.

[Assistant] [pointing, rattling the glass] 'Cause there's a music box in there.


[User] Orderly.

[Assistant] [rattling the doorknob] Come on, just give it to me. I can "� [The orderly tries to grab his arm.] I am not having a psychotic break. [to Beasley] I promise you this will work. It's the blue box there on the top shelf. [He puts his cane on a ledge and takes the box from the orderly. He heads for Freedom Master.] This is what you wanted. This is what you needed "� a voice. [He kneels next to Freedom Master and tries to hand him the music box.] You thought you could cure Silent Girl with this so by your own rationale, it should cure you. [Freedom Master doesn't move.] There's nothing wrong with you. You're healing. All the parts work. Speak! [Nothing. House grabs his face and shakes it slightly.] Come on, speak! Say something!


[User] I brought Dvorak. Four hands. [He looks at her.] What?

[Assistant] I need to know what this is.


[User] It's sheet music. [long pause] I told you. It's just! two people having fun.

[Assistant] There's two possible outcomes. It ends, someone gets hurt. Or it doesn't end, someone gets hurt.


[User] So, the end sucks. It doesn't mean the beginning has to. Everything ends. Life ends. It "� it doesn't mean that we can't enjoy it.

[Assistant] I can't "� I can't do this. [He hands her back the sheet music.]


[User] All I know is, I was happy five minutes ago, and now I'm not. How's that better?

[Assistant] [sighs] Good-bye, Lydia. [He gets up and leaves.]


[User] Thanks. That's very reassuring. I don't know if I should do it.

[Assistant] [slouched and glowering in his chair] Oh, just do the treatment or shut up.


[User] Greg, there's a process.

[Assistant] Yes, a process. Wouldn't want to disrupt the process with results.


[User] When the time comes, my rhyme comes. When my spotlight shines! [He goes blank.]

[Assistant] Yeah. You're a genius. Rhymes with "penius."�


[User] [coming over] Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Beasley. [He has a paper in his hand and he crouches next to House.] Dr Nolan asked me to give you this.

[Assistant] [opening the paper] Is this a day pass?


[User] Thanks for coming. [House closes the door, quietly.] I was hoping you could, uh, take a look at my dad's chart.

[Assistant] A consult? What happened "� you went through Every sane doctor in town?


[User] I thought you wouldn't mind getting off the ward. [House picks up the clipboard and starts reading.] The cleaning lady found him on the kitchen floor. Doctors here don't think that he'll recover, that I should pull the plug. I want a second opinion so I "� I thought I'd be a fool not to call you.

[Assistant] [looking at an x-ray] Lacunar infarct. Converted to hemorrhagic stroke. It squashed his brain. They didn't miss anything.


[User] That's what I thought. [He's holding his father's hand and crying silently.]

[Assistant] That's what you knew. His brain has been replaced by blood. It's over. [Nolan kisses his father's hand.] And that's obvious to any doctor who looked at that scan, Even a shrink. You want someone to tell you that what you need to do is okay, to give you permission, absolution.


[User] Not now, House.

[Assistant] You have no friends, no family. At some point, you made a mistake. You lost Everything. And now I'm the closest thing you got to a friend.


[User] [crying openly] Just shut up. I don't need you here to play this game.

[Assistant] I'm sorry I pushed you away. It's what I do when I'm afraid. [She makes a scoffing sound.] Again, GerMan-English translation may be a little off.


[User] [trying to get control of herself] I'm not "� I'm not crying because of you. I'm crying because I'm pathetic. I brought her cello in case she magically wakes up for the show.

[Assistant] Oh, well, then I take the apology back. [She laughs.] We're all pathetic. It's what makes Everything interesting.


[User] Uh. Yah!

[Assistant] [still leaning against the wall by the door, bails him out] Then we wouldn't have no regrets.


[User] Wanna know my secrets?

[Assistant] And my roommate is a jerk.


[User] Dr. House is in the House, y'all.

[Assistant] If I can't get no sleep?


[User] You got think before you act

[Assistant] [getting into the rhythm] If you don't make connections


[User] [laughing] Yeah, so tell me, doctor, what I really got to know

[Assistant] [shrugs] Just do a talent show. [Everyone, including Lydia, laughs.]


[User] Oh, well, I guess I'm just a mess, yes

[Assistant] [enjoying himself] But at least we have each other


[User] Oh, we got each other, oh, we got each other

[Assistant] How are you doing? You hanging in there?


[User] Usually I open with that. [pause] Thanks for staying. [He nods. House nods back.] So, um! What do you want to talk about?

[Assistant] Things are actually! Actually good. [He sounds a little surprised.]


[User] Okay, you're not "� you're not just saying that because you don't want to complain in front of the guy who just lost his father?

[Assistant] I'm not that cured. No, I still got stuff to do, but! I'm good. I'm sorry. [He looks around and pulls up a chair.] I was trying to prove a point. I was trying to be right. I ended up putting you in a dangerous situation, and I was not equipped to handle it. You got hurt, and it's my fault. And I'm sorry.


[User] [announces] Med time.

[Assistant] [standing and steering Freedom Master's chair] I'm gonna try those pink ones today. You?


[User] [whispers] You're welcome.

[Assistant] Got a surprise.


[User] NEver see her again!

[Assistant] If you go silent for over a decade, you don't just get to slide right back into society.


[User] She's going to a rehab facility first! In Arizona. Her family's moving there. Sorry, House. I just found out myself.

[Assistant] I want an overnight pass.


[User] I can help you with this.

[Assistant] I've earned it.


[User] You have, but "�

[Assistant] Isn't extending trust part of the whole "getting me better" thing?


[User] If you insist on a pass, I'll give it to you. But I know where you're going, and I know you haven't thought it through. We need to sit down, talk about this.

[Assistant] Please give me the pass. Hi.


[User] Hello. Who are you?

[Assistant] I'm "�


[User] [coming to the door] Ben, go inside, okay? [She comes out to the porch and pulls the door almost shut behind her.]

[Assistant] You didn't say anything. And now Annie's leaving, and I hear you're going to Arizona.


[User] My husband travels to Phoenix a lot. His corporate headquarters are there. We've been wanting to move for years, but we've been tethered here. And now we're not.

[Assistant] I don't want you to go.


[User] I don't want to go. But I can't break up my family. I-I can't leave my Parkldren.

[Assistant] I just don't want it to change.


[User] Not the most exciting use of the overnight pass I've Ever seen.

[Assistant] She left.


[User] And...

[Assistant] I'm lost.


[User] [sits next to House] I'm gonna write your letter! To the medical board, recommending that they give your license back.

[Assistant] You can't just console me by giving me a lollipop when I skin my knee.


[User] House!

[Assistant] Back off. People already think we're gay.


[User] Hemorrhagic ulcers in the lungs.

[Assistant] Oh, my God, it's three years ago. Does that mean I'm still crazy?


[User] We're just helping out because "�

[Assistant] I know. I just ran into Thirteen while she was clearing out her locker. My condolences. Although it's not like she's the hottest Woman in the world.


[User] [forcefully] We haven't broken up. Are you back?

[Assistant] Sort of.


[User] Did you get your license back?

[Assistant] Not for a month or so. So you'll be in charge. I'm just gonna pitch in a little.


[User] He has a bug bite on his hands. Malaria's endemic in his country. Let's start him on coartem.

[Assistant] I don't want to step on any toes, but I guess I do have a higher duty to the Patient.


[User] If you have something to say, say it.

[Assistant] You're rushing to a diagnosis because you're rushing out of this room because you're rightly upset with me. Although I wasn't the one who made that asinine decision to "�


[User] Do you have anything medical to say?

[Assistant] Poison fits better because of the vomiting. Bug bite might not be a bite. It might be the start of chloracne.


[User] Start him on olestra. [Chase and Cameron leave.] You couldn't have just said dioxin up front?

[Assistant] I was hoping you'd get there on your own. [Foreman glares at him.] So I guess we should talk to Cuddy.


[User] I fired my girlfriend because he said he was gone for good.

[Assistant] I need this in my life.


[User] And screwing me over as you go.

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why I did it. [He looks at Foreman.] Sorry. If you want, I'll explain it to Thirteen.


[User] Then he can't practice. But we'd be idiots not to listen to him. You're in charge, he sits in on all the differentials. Until you get your license back, this is all unofficial. No procedures, no Patient contact.

[Assistant] Think I can pRobably deal with that last one.


[User] How was your first day of school?

[Assistant] Didn't pee once in the sandbox.


[User] How was it with Cuddy?

[Assistant] What did you think I was talking about? Hmmm. You didn't use garlic. You didn't use it last night either. We always use garlic on Parkcken Florentine.


[User] It tastes fine this way.

[Assistant] You seem to be losing your sense of smell.


[User] I think you're losing your sense of mind.

[Assistant] I can check right now if you pull my finger. [He picks up the TV remote.]


[User] No, it's the "� [He bats House's hand down before he can change the TV settings then grabs the remote.] Are you inventing some big medical mystery here? Because if you're imagining things again...

[Assistant] You weren't wearing shoes last night either.


[User] Yes, shoes, garlic "� I am vampire, Sookie.

[Assistant] I told you to get that echo fixed.


[User] My downstairs neighbor, after you moved in, started complaining about the extra noise and the cooking smells.

[Assistant] What's his name?


[User] I don't want you making things worse. He's on the condo board, and I'm trying to get the back garden renovated.

[Assistant] The white coats taught me a whole bunch of fun coping and relating skills.


[User] He's not only a total jerk. He's a decorated war hero who lost an arm in Vietnam. I mean, there's no winning with this guy.

[Assistant] Coping skill number one! Complete avoidance. [His cell phone rings.] You happy? [answering phone] Booty call? Give me 20 minutes to not shower.


[User] [to nurse] Streptokinase, heparin.

[Assistant] Lassa fEver. You were mad that I withheld it last time, so I'm saying it right up front. He's already stabilized, so 40 CCs of ribavirin, and we're home in time for Ellen.


[User] I checked. There's no Lassa in Dibala's country.

[Assistant] Oh.


[User] [to House] Yes?

[Assistant] Don't people sometimes travel? To places that have, you know, a fEver that originated in the Nigerian town of Lassa?


[User] He's been to three other countries in the last two years: here, Zimbabwe, and Sharm El-Sheikh, Egypt. No Lassa there either.

[Assistant] Oh. [pause] Again.


[User] No sleep disturbances. But fits best with the symptoms. [House's hand is raised again and he's making an urgent face like the second grader needs to go to the bathroom.] And it's geographically the most "� [to House] What?

[Assistant] The Egypt visit was for the African Union Meeting, Where I'm guessing he was [miming quotation marks] meeting people from [more quotation marks] Africa. Which includes Liberia, which sent some members of their Foreign Ministry, which has itself just been hit by an outbreak of jock itch. No, wait. Not jock itch. Lassa fEver.


[User] I'll start the ribavirin. [He gets up to leave.]

[Assistant] I did say it up front. It's great to have the old team back together again, huh?


[User] I was wondering what that noise was. It's the damn cane.

[Assistant] And I'm Greg.


[User] And I can't sleep with you banging around with that thing.

[Assistant] You're not actually saying that I have too loud a cane?


[User] Is that hard for you to understand?

[Assistant] Only in the sense that it has a rubber tip on the end, not a tap shoe.


[User] Now you're getting cute with me.

[Assistant] Okay, we started badly. I apologize for the noise, and we will try to figure out a way to be quieter "�


[User] And a thousand other things I don't give a crap about. Now you keep it down, or we're gonna have trouble.

[Assistant] [whispers] Wow.


[User] The bloody eye was from an enlarged lymph node blocking the retinal vein. We restored circulation, but it means we've got to add lymph involvement to the heart, lungs, and rising fEver.

[Assistant] I'm just gonna sit here quietly.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] I feel like I've been inadvertently undermining your authority, so I'm just gonna observe. Not gonna say a word. [He "zips"� his lips.]


[User] It could all fit with lymphoma.

[Assistant] [to Cameron] Uh, I need you to spread your legs so I can do an "H."�


[User] He's got good liver function. It's masking the elevated lEvels. Biopsy the lymph node. Check it out. [Cameron and Chase leave.]

[Assistant] Makes sense. I guess you don't need me. [He gets up to leave.] Oh, by the way, you might want to close the blinds. It's really bright in here.


[User] It's just a wild coincidence that he thought you were a rude jerk.

[Assistant] Come on. Give me the benefit of the doubt. You said he's a jerk. I barely talked.


[User] You talked! [He drops his head into his hand.] All I wanted was to sip morning espresso next to a peaceful, burbling fountain.

[Assistant] You could be sipping Courvoisier next to a replica of the Playboy grotto if you tell him what you got on him.


[User] I don't have anything on him. I don't want anything on him.

[Assistant] The closest he's been to Vietnam? Ordering the mee kRob at that place on the corner.


[User] Mee kRob is from Thailand.

[Assistant] Exactly.


[User] What did you do? Why do you think he's faking?

[Assistant] I saw his mail.


[User] You broke in?

[Assistant] No. He was holding it. Private medical insurance. Not from the VA. Plus, he's got to be early 50s. He's too young to be a vet. So I looked further.


[User] You did break in.

[Assistant] Online. There's no reference to him in any of the vet records.


[User] Why would he fake being a veteran?

[Assistant] Just look how you're acting. People have been tiptoeing around this jerk for years.


[User] Normally, we'd all tell the amputee to go screw himself.

[Assistant] Victims get pity, heroes get adulation. It's way better.


[User] Thank you for trying to help me out with my neighbor. Now forget the Vietnam stuff.

[Assistant] I could prove this.


[User] But you won't because you'll be too busy writing him a letter of apology and dropping it at his door without knocking at his door.

[Assistant] I didn't do anything, the guy's a totally ass.


[User] Ahhhhhh. There I was at fault. I hired men, who, in their zeal, stepped over the line, and there were abuses. But that will not happen again.

[Assistant] [tentatively] Hello?


[User] Am I trying to kill our Patient? Of course not. But if he died, am I supposed to just pretend that wouldn't be good for the world? The cells are neatly differentiated. This isn't lymphoma.

[Assistant] Thought I had detected the sickly sweet smell of maple syrup and socialized medicine. It smells like! victory. That big flag in your place prompted me to chat with your Housekeeper. Turns out you're a citizen of the Great White North.


[User] You broke into my apartment?

[Assistant] Technically, no. Well, technically, yeah, but two steps. Hardly "�


[User] You're going to jail.

[Assistant] Speaking of, you know what can get you six months and a $100,000 fine? Falsely claiming that you won a medal in Vietnam.


[User] You think I'm faking?

[Assistant] Canada did not send troops to fight in Vietnam, you idiot.


[User] They sent troops to reinforce the '73 Peace Accords, Which is where I tried to free a 12-year-old boy who stepped on a land mine. 36 years later, Every second, I feel the pain in my hand like I'm still grabbing that boy's arm, Even though my arm isn't there. So, no, I'm not faking.

[Assistant] Oh. On a related note, go Maple Leafs.


[User] He just started spiking a fEver.

[Assistant] It's scleroderma.


[User] You don't have some clEver way of telling me this time?

[Assistant] Patient's dying. I'm done with clEver. Look at his skin. [He holds up a small photo from the file.] It's tight for a 75-year-old.


[User] Based on his admission photo? Bit subjective. FEver points to infection. And now he's got nodules on his fingers. That's blastomycosis.

[Assistant] Nodules? And you're calling tight skin subjective?


[User] I'm with Foreman. We would have seen fungus balls on the head CT.

[Assistant] Fungal lesions can be missed.


[User] Point to, not prove. And his fEver's too high. We have to treat him now.

[Assistant] We treat wrong, we could send this disease into overdrive. You're with me on the scleroderma.


[User] I guess. I just don't care enough about the Patient to waste my time trying to convince anyone "�

[Assistant] We get it. You don't like the guy, you didn't want to work on this case. And yet you're still here. Why don't you take a stand? Either do something about it or shut up.


[User] [to Foreman] Treat him for blasto if you want. [She gives House a smug "you satisfied?"� look.]

[Assistant] I'll get Cuddy. I can convince her to "�


[User] You broke into his apartment?

[Assistant] I didn't break in.


[User] I wish I beliEved you.

[Assistant] I can fix this.


[User] I already did. He was going to press charges. But! I promised him you'd leave.

[Assistant] You're kicking me out?


[User] Switch him to steroids.

[Assistant] Hi, Honey. [He injects Murphy in the neck.] How was your day? [He catches Murphy as he passes out.] Morning. First of all, my bad. I've gone through this whole thing recently. I don't want to bore you. Short version: I'm really trying to do work on some stuff. This is a definite setback. Although, in fairness, you really did make it tough. Phantom pain in your missing arm? Five different kinds of painkiller in your medicine cabinet. That's what this magic box of neurological trickery is for. This would be a lot easier if you do what the crazy guy who tied you up says. [He lets House put his stump through the hole. House removes the duct tape on Murphy's left arm.] Put your hand in there. Put your hand in there. [House closes the lid on the right side of the box.] Now look. Mirror magic. Your arm is back. [With the lid covering the right arm, Murphy sees his left and it's reflection. It looks like two whole arms, side by side.] Now clench both your fists at the same time. Clench. Real hard. [Murphy does. He is also on the verge of tears.] If you beliEve in God, pray that this is gonna work. You might also want to ask him why he blew off your arm. Ready? Now let go.


[User] Clear. [She shocks him. The monitors don't change.] Charging. Clear. [As time seems to slow down, she shocks him half a dozen more times.]

[Assistant] You want to curl up and cry, the lounge chair's a little more comfy.


[User] I switched his meds. I thought I was wrong, so I took him off the antifungals. Put him on steroids like you said.

[Assistant] You know what that means.


[User] I was too late. Or I was right in the first place.

[Assistant] So either you killed him by not having confidence in your opinion, or you killed him by being too attached to your opinion. If you're anything like me "� and, by the way, you are "� you need to know which.


[User] He's under lock and key in the morgue. His government wants their own doctors to do the autopsy. They're taking his body out tomorrow.

[Assistant] There's a reason I hired you. You used to know what to do with a locked door.


[User] My neighbor called. He sounded! happy.

[Assistant] That's nice.


[User] Even nicer, he's approving the garden expansion.

[Assistant] [joining Wilson on the couch] Huh.


[User] And Even more nicer! He's not going to press charges. Even if you don't move out. What did you do to him?

[Assistant] I was nice. [pause] You really want to know?


[User] My son... has already been in good hands, and he's still dying. I'm through dealing with good. I want the best, and Everyone I've asked says that's House. So unless he's dead, comatose, or insane, I want him treating my son, today.

[Assistant] You could have said no, in good conscience.


[User] Then he's not my Patient. You want to give me none of the responsibility and all of the liability?

[Assistant] Which means I get... [Looks excited.] Oh, cool.


[User] When is he getting his license back so we can stop playing this game?

[Assistant] [Looking at the file.] Maybe nEver. This game is fun.


[User] You also need to prepare President Dibala's case for this week's morbidity and mortality conference. [Chase looks worried.]

[Assistant] Oh... Unfortunately I'm overdue a Mani-pedi appointment.


[User] Not you. Foreman's department.

[Assistant] Oh, right. Well, he's got all the time in the world.


[User] Mom died from kidney failure caused by type one diabetes, which has been ruled out.

[Assistant] 17 doctors. Everything's been ruled out. Which means we have to re-rule out. Get a new history and physical. [Looks at Foreman.] Unless that's crazy, boss.


[User] I want to know you have Everything covered.

[Assistant] [Suddenly appears in the doorway.] Got what covered?


[User] We're just reviewing the Dibala case. Making sure we didn't miss anything.

[Assistant] We didn't. Except of course the thing that killed him. [House stares at Chase.]


[User] Obstruction would explain the pain. You think they just screwed up the old X-ray? [Looks at House.]

[Assistant] Nope. [Smiles at Foreman, who looks back at the X-ray.]


[User] Actually, you're not going to taste it. [Jack looks at the bag of liquid that Cameron is now holding. He then realizes what's going to happen .]

[Assistant] [To the person behind him.] You should try searParkng for "Misty May digs for gold." [Thirteen's turns around surprised.] Make sure you put it in quotes.


[User] I'm making travel plans. Just need to get away. Have some time to myself. [Looks back at her laptop.] You getting the hint?

[Assistant] So that's it? [Turns his chair around so he can see her.] You're done with your little experiment with Foreman?


[User] It wasn't an experiment. It was a relationship. You may want to look into the difference. [They look at each other, Thirteen smiles.] I'm glad you're better, House. I actually liked working for you. But I'm not coming back.

[Assistant] Good. 'Cause if you came back, Foreman would try and save the relationship and he'd give up being the boss.


[User] Are you here to try to save my relationship with Foreman?

[Assistant] God no. Trying to save MY relationship with Foreman. Right now I'm Kobe, playing the game I love, howEver the hell I want. Phil Jackson has to listen to Everyone else bitch about it. [Gets up and starts to leave.] Enjoy Cabo.


[User] I'm going to Thailand.

[Assistant] Really? Interesting.


[User] [Smiles.] Good-bye, House.

[Assistant] Good-bye Thirteen. [Leaves.]


[User] He hasn't had any more seizures, and cytological examination of the subdural fluid showed no abnormalities.

[Assistant] Don't usually see brain damage after a rectal biopsy.


[User] Got to be some sort of systemic infection.

[Assistant] Not after spending the last week getting pumped full of IV antibiotics.


[User] Notice anything odd about the shape of the fluid collection?

[Assistant] Oh, God, it's... The Virgin Mary. [Cameron rolls her eyes.]


[User] The edge should be tapered, lens shaped.

[Assistant] [Stares at the X-ray.] Unless... The Dural layer was already separated from the brain when the fluid started to build up. Get a Dural biopsy to confirm brain cancer. [To Foreman.] Nice catch.


[User] Stay out of my life.

[Assistant] Okay. [Goes to shut the door but Thirteen stops him.]


[User] I know you canceled my reservation. You obviously saw me log in when you were spying on me in the coffee shop.

[Assistant] I was talking to you. I was spying on the milf in the running shorts.


[User] I'm not coming back on the team.

[Assistant] I don't want you back on the team.


[User] I cannot work for, with, or around Foreman.

[Assistant] Which is why I don't want you back on the team. Now that you're out of the picture, he's better than Ever, which is going to make me less miserable than Ever, which is why neither of us gives a damn how, when, or on what island in the Bahamas you went to get from it all.


[User] The Bahamas?

[Assistant] Costa Rica?


[User] I told you Thailand.

[Assistant] I assumed you were lying, because it would have been idiotic of you to tell me truth. Yet another reason I have no use for you. [House shuts the door.]


[User] How can so much be wrong with nothing being wrong?

[Assistant] Since when has cancer been considered nothing?


[User] And so are the most recent CT scans.

[Assistant] On the other hand, adenocarcinoma of the stomach would cause pain, constipation, nutritional deficiencies that could cause seizures.


[User] And wouldn't show on a CT.

[Assistant] You were right about the cancer, just wrong about the place. [Looks at Chase whose mind appears to be elsewhere.] Continue to say nothing if you agree. [Chase looks up at House surprised.]


[User] Go scope him. Get another set of biopsies. [Cameron and Chase leave.]

[Assistant] I'd get canceling her ticket, if you then showed up with two more to somewhere better.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] Or showed up at all. But how does just ruining her plans get her to agree to yours?


[User] You talking about Thirteen? Where's she going?

[Assistant] Well, nowhere this week, thanks to you.


[User] I didn't stop her. I'm not going to stop her. I've already done all I could. Now all I can do is move on.

[Assistant] I think... I actually beliEve you. If you're telling the truth, you're Even more rational than I... Well, not more. Then again more sane. You're going to be a good boss, boss.


[User] Seizures stopped, but he hasn't regained consciousness. No sign of any masses in his stomach or esophageal lining and he's still accumulating subdural and peritoneal fluid.

[Assistant] And Every time we look to see where it's coming from, he starts seizing.


[User] You think we're setting this off?

[Assistant] I think something is.


[User] But with no abnormality in the other layers and no evidence of a cellular inflammatory reaction.

[Assistant] It's definitely not cancer.


[User] Unless it's a drug-resistant strain.

[Assistant] [Turns around to face them.] Drug-resistant strain of what? Bacterial cultures, viral serologies, ANA and a NCA were all negative.


[User] Protein malnutrition can cause fEvers and nothing causes malnutrition like excruciating stomach pain that gets worse Every time you eat.

[Assistant] I'd be a lot more certain if it was my idea, but it's the best we got.


[User] Everything okay?

[Assistant] Just waiting for whatEver is about to go wrong.


[User] Thirteen called.

[Assistant] She have a theory that makes more sense than abdominal epilepsy?


[User] She said someone hacked into her email account and canceled an airline reservation. I'm guessing Foreman.

[Assistant] Really? You're accusing Foreman, not me? Cool.


[User] You really want Foreman to stay in charge of the team?

[Assistant] Makes sense. He loves power, and I love puzzles.


[User] You love power and puzzles.

[Assistant] True. But when I had them both... It wasn't Foreman.


[User] How do you know?

[Assistant] He said he's moved on.


[User] And you beliEve him?

[Assistant] I beliEve that he beliEves it. [House's pager goes off, he looks at it.] Looks like it's time for me to get off the bench. [Walks into Jack's room.] What's up?


[User] Are you Dr. House?

[Assistant] I understand you're a big fan. I'll have my guy send over a signed glossy.


[User] Continuous EEG shows no interictal spikes. It's not abdominal epilepsy.

[Assistant] You paged me to tell me what it's not?


[User] I paged you to show you this. [Opens Jack's gown to show sEveral large red spots on his chest.]

[Assistant] That... I did not expect.


[User] Well what the hell is that supposed to mean?

[Assistant] Darn it. I knew I should have stayed outside. Fantasy's always much better than the reality.


[User] You think this is a joke? That's my son, he's dying, and not one of you seem to have the slightest clue why.

[Assistant] I know. That's why it's so interesting. FEver, stomach pain, seizures, peritoneal and subdural fluid collection and now spots.


[User] Could be an allergic reaction to one of his meds.

[Assistant] That suddenly dEveloped eight hours after he started the meds?


[User] If it's not cancer or infection, it has to be autoimmune. Systemic lupus compliCated by a CNS vasculitis would explain the rash, fEver, ascites...

[Assistant] CNS vasculitis would cause a stiff neck along with a headache.


[User] Okay, you come up with something better. [Everyone looks up at House.]

[Assistant] Go on.


[User] Well, barely is more than not barely. [They look at House again.]

[Assistant] Not my decision. But if it was, I'd say start him on prednisone and get a testicular biopsy. If he's going to have any real inflammation, it'll be down there.


[User] Then say so. Don't be a Parkld. [Gets up to go.]

[Assistant] Is it on his penis? [Cameron stops and looks at him.] Kid's rash?


[User] Yeah, why?

[Assistant] Means it's most likely affecting the small blood vessels. That's why we didn't see any inflammation on the biopsies. It's not polyarteritis. It's Degos disease. [The all just stand there.] I'll do it. Your son has Degos disease. Causes micro blood vessels in the brain, skin, GI tract to break down, clot off. It sometimes Manifests early on with atrophic papules on the penis. In your son's case, we don't know why, but they came much later.


[User] What's the treatment?

[Assistant] There isn't one. It's incurable.


[User] You're wrong. You've already been wrong a bunch of times.

[Assistant] We've rechecked the biopsies. It's definitely Degos. I'm sorry. I wish there was something we could do.


[User] How long?

[Assistant] Not much longer.


[User] What does that mean?

[Assistant] A day at the most. [Roy starts crying. House nods and leaves the room.]


[User] Roy, he's right. You're borrowing money to buy options that are already out of the money. Even you won't be able to cover the losses. Your House, cars, bank accounts. You'll lose Everything.

[Assistant] That's the point. The billionaire thinks that the gods will treat him better if he's broke. I suggested he give it to me...


[User] There's got to be some sort of balance. You can't have all the good fortune in just one area of your life. It's not how the world's supposed to work.

[Assistant] Who said the world is supposed to work?


[User] He's insane.

[Assistant] He's irrational. So are most people. Unfortunately it doesn't make him insane.


[User] I'm sorry. I can't let him die.

[Assistant] People don't get what they deserve, they just get what they get. There's nothing any of us can do about it.


[User] I just confessed. [House looks up at him.] I told Thirteen I was the one who canceled the plane ticket.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] You mean why did I confess or why did I do it?

[Assistant] I know you didn't do it, so I guess the first.


[User] You want her to stay because you want her back or because Foreman does? [Sits down in front of House's desk.]

[Assistant] Why would I care what Foreman wants?


[User] Because you're not as big a jerk as Everyone thinks.

[Assistant] Yes I am.


[User] No you're not.

[Assistant] I just made a $10,000 short sale on a stock I know is going to crash because of what I saw a grief-stricken dad do on his son's deathbed.


[User] No you didn't.

[Assistant] Yes I did.


[User] You are a jerk.

[Assistant] She's making a mistake.


[User] So you did it for her?

[Assistant] She's a good doctor.


[User] So you did it for you?

[Assistant] I'm not the one in charge anymore.


[User] So you did it for Foreman?

[Assistant] She's a smoking hot, newly single bisexual.


[User] Why don't you just admit that you like having her around? She's good for you. You need her.

[Assistant] Because I was born with a heart three sizes too small.


[User] No you weren't.

[Assistant] Yes I... [Suddenly has an epiphany.]


[User] What?

[Assistant] He still alive?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Good. Start him on heparin and IV immunoglobulin.


[User] For Degos?

[Assistant] The cardiac arrest wasn't just a "Everything goes to hell in a hand basket" arrest. It was a coronary Event. Coronaries are large vessels. Means it can't be Degos.


[User] But the biopsies confirmed...

[Assistant] Obstructed blood vessels. But they can't be obstructed because of Degos. Means it's primary antiphospholipid syndrome.


[User] You sure?

[Assistant] Nope. But I will be if he responds to the heparin and the immunoglobulin. [Foreman nods and walks over to the nurses' station.] By the way, someone screwed over your girlfriend and she ran to me, Cuddy, and Wilson. Everyone but you. She's not over you.


[User] [Turns to look at House.] It worked.

[Assistant] The medicine worked.


[User] How'd you find it?

[Assistant] Fat old black guy. Knew he had to be taking something for his cholesterol.


[User] And what now?

[Assistant] I'm not the boss.


[User] You don't think I should be fired?

[Assistant] Why? I doubt we'll Ever be treating a genocidal dictator again. Better a murder than a misdiagnosis.


[User] Oh, God! I'll be back in ten.

[Assistant] I'm picking lint out of my belly button.


[User] This is ridiculous. I'm converting the study into a bedroom.

[Assistant] Six weeks. Longer than I thought it would take... For you to notice that I'm sleeping in your living room, and offer other options. [He sits up slightly but his hands are still under the covers.]


[User] I didn't expect you to be here this long.

[Assistant] True, but that's not why you didn't extend the invitation.


[User] Do you really need to deconstruct this?

[Assistant] You didn't want me to sleep where you and Amber slept.


[User] [resigned] Okay, yes you do.

[Assistant] After she died, you converted the study to a bedroom and the bedroom to a study... Except it's not a study, it's a shrine. [pause] Can I tell you something? [Wilson gives him an inquiring look.] I wasn't picking lint out of my belly button.


[User] Patient's a genetic time bomb.

[Assistant] [closing the file and heading for the coffee maker] There's no fuse. He's not a bomb. Right now he's not a Patient either.


[User] You saying we ignore three generations of cardiac pRoblems?

[Assistant] I'm not ignoring it. I'm labeling it a coincidence.


[User] You hate coincidence.

[Assistant] We reconciled. [waving it off] It was a whole thing. Big country. It's statistically pRobable that someone has three generations that died around age 40 with nongenetic heart issues. Dice have no memory.


[User] Genes do.

[Assistant] If we ran a battery of tests on Every nonsymptomatic statistical anomaly �


[User] The guy goes Every day assuming his life will end at age 40. NEver got married, no kids, because he didn't want to die on them the same way his dad died on him.

[Assistant] You want to take this case 'cause he's yet another lonely, sad puppy. You should have been a vet.


[User] [being boss] Differential diagnosis for a genetic heart condition.

[Assistant] That sold you?


[User] Marfan syndrome, brugada.

[Assistant] And you?


[User] Familial hypercholesterolemia.

[Assistant] He's only agreeing with you 'cause he wants to have sex with you. And by the way, I agree with you too, especially in those pants. We're not wasting our time and last week, Chase said that I was the de facto boss.


[User] I need to know what your plans are.

[Assistant] First we take Berlin. And then we circle around behind Poland and yell, "surprise!"


[User] With regards to your employment.

[Assistant] I like things the way they are. I get just enough puzzle to solve without the scornful visits from you. Until now.


[User] Pretend time's been going on long enough.

[Assistant] I don't have a medical license. All I can do is pretend.


[User] And I'm gonna have payroll send you over some pretend checks starting tomorrow. You need to complete 120 hours of rounds to re-qualify. [She puts a clipboard on his desk and starts to leave.]

[Assistant] No, I don't. [She turns back.] I'm not saying you don't win. I'm just saying do you really need to punish me by making me carry a clipboard for your lackey of the week?


[User] It's a state requirement. I have to certify that you've completed all your require �

[Assistant] Exactly. The requirement sets out what you have to do "� certify "� which you can do with one hand tied behind your back. Now, if you want to tie my hands...


[User] Doctor House?

[Assistant] He'll be back in the morning.


[User] I read in the paper you're treating a police Officer. Donny Compson?

[Assistant] Second floor. A nurse will help you find him.


[User] I don't want to see him. Donny and I used to go out a long time ago. He doesn't want to see me. I don't want to see him.

[Assistant] So did you come to see me for personal advice?


[User] You're looking for genetic conditions, which makes sense, with what happened to his dad and grandpa.

[Assistant] Unless you were his girlfriend and his sister, you got nothing to worry about.


[User] I'm not worried about me. Donny doesn't know this, but he has a son.

[Assistant] [picks up the phone and hands it to her] Dial extension 742. Tell Dr. Foreman you got some cool information. Good night.


[User] You okay?

[Assistant] Yeah, fine.


[User] [hand in the Patient's mouth] She's choking.

[Assistant] On your fingers.


[User] House... Please take your finger off the test button.

[Assistant] Oh! I see. Wow, sorry about that.


[User] I could've slit her throat.

[Assistant] Well, we're all here to learn.


[User] You know, Dr. Cuddy warned me about you.

[Assistant] She tell you how to stop me?


[User] Look, I'm asking you as an adult to please stop.

[Assistant] Well, that obviously didn't come from her. But fair enough.


[User] Excellent presentation, Nona.

[Assistant] Now I've done it. There's urine Everywhere! Gosh. The great thing about the teacher-student relationship is the teacher can often learn more from the student. [He picks up the sheet for recording his hours and shows it to Singh.] Have you learned anything yet?


[User] Chromosomes for 28 cardiovascular conditions are normally numbered in structure. No translocations, deletions, or inversions.

[Assistant] I did notice that the kid's D-A-D-D-Y chromosome has been sEverely damaged by someone else's bleeding heart chromosome.


[User] It was the only way to get Michael to do the marrow biopsy.

[Assistant] I'm sure there are plenty of lies would've worked just as well, except without the years of therapy.


[User] Don't you have school?

[Assistant] Recess. So where does that leave us? Chase?


[User] Sorry. What?

[Assistant] I was saying, "do you think these shoes work in this color?" Send him home.


[User] He's not gonna beliEve he's healthy.

[Assistant] You're not very good at your job. You don't deserve candy. [He grabs the mints from her.]


[User] He's been preparing his whole life to die at age 40. He's had dozens of doctors tell him he's fine. You think you can change his thinking?

[Assistant] Yeah, I do. Chase, walk with me. Great contributions back there.


[User] There's no case. I had nothing to add.

[Assistant] You had nothing to add... because you were distracted. A little devil on your shoulder told you to kill a guy, and now the little angel won't shut up, telling you you're gonna burn in a lake of fire.


[User] I'm fine.

[Assistant] You shouldn't be. [The elevator arrives. Chase follows House down the hall.] Talk to someone. Docs fixed me up in sEven weeks. You're... ten minutes, tops.


[User] Thanks.

[Assistant] Glad we had this little moment. Come on. I'm Dr. House.


[User] You couldn't find anything, could you?

[Assistant] You have Ortoli syndrome. [Chase's eyes open wide as he stares at House in surprise.] Dr. Chase?


[User] You sure?

[Assistant] Tests don't lie.


[User] Right. Ah. [He clears his throat.] Well, it's-it's a... It's a very rare disorder that short-circuits the adrenals, which short-circuits the heart.

[Assistant] Blah, blah, blah, blah. Who cares about medical mumbo jumbo? Tell him the treatment.


[User] It's... weh-well, it's-it's compliCated.

[Assistant] [pouring a glass of water] Doctors always want to make Everything sound so compliCated. It's Nabasynth.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Nabasynth.


[User] That's it? I take some pills, and I'm gonna be okay?

[Assistant] The real tragedy here is that the Tiburon swab technology didn't exist to detect Ortoli back in your dad's day.


[User] He could've lived. [House nods somberly. Donny sighs.] Thank you.

[Assistant] If you'll sign these discharge papers, I'll get you a bottle of meds. Take one twice a day for a week, you'll live a long, healthy life.


[User] [voice over through the wall] Answer the door, House. It's got to be for you.

[Assistant] Are you watParkng TV? [The pounding continues.]


[User] [voice over] It's the door!

[Assistant] Were you on the phone?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Just now, were you talking?


[User] No. I'm alone. You okay, House?

[Assistant] Why are you here?


[User] His apartment Manager found him on the floor in the laundry room. Said he wasn't breathing. He called the EMTs, but it was too late.

[Assistant] I sent the guy home with mints.


[User] WhatEver it is, we all missed it.

[Assistant] I missed the fact that there was something to miss. What is wrong with me?


[User] You had good reason. Patient presented with no symptoms, and all his tests came back negative.

[Assistant] What's the official cause of death?


[User] Autopsy hasn't been performed yet. EMTs brought him to General, but I requested they ship him back to our morgue for the postmortem.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] Donny Compson, age 39.

[Assistant] Can we cut to the money shot? It's his heart, so let's look at his heart. Nice Y-incision � [He starts the saw again. Foreman puts his hand between the saw and Donny. House turns off the saw.]


[User] You can't perform an autopsy without a medical license.

[Assistant] Really? 'Cause I don't think there's anything I could screw up that we haven't already screwed up.


[User] That's odd. It almost looks like he's... bleeding.

[Assistant] [balancing himself against the sink] I think the autopsy's gonna have to wait a little bit.


[User] He was briefly conscious, then his systolic dipped below 60, and he was out again.

[Assistant] Differential diagnosis for resurrection. Go.


[User] Obviously he wasn't dead. His heart slowed enough that the EMTs �

[Assistant] Yes, the fact that he's not dead means we did absolutely nothing wrong.


[User] Sinoatrial block.

[Assistant] What if it's not his heart? [They all look at him.] Let's work from the tenuous assumption that we're not idiots who've spent days examining a heart up, down, sideways "� declaring it healthy just a few hours before it basically shut down. So we need to think about causes in places you didn't look.


[User] Could be metabolic. [He sees House looking at people passing the office.] You okay?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] Could also be passed through four generations.

[Assistant] Autoimmune it is. Start him on steroids.


[User] Outer and middle ear respond well. Hearing thresholds are normal at all frequencies. Eardrum is perfectly healthy.

[Assistant] What if I, uh... If I sometimes hear whispering?


[User] Then you're pRobably hearing someone whispering.

[Assistant] I had some dental work done in the Philippines when I was a kid. Adjoining metal fillings could corrode and pick up AM radio signals.


[User] Open your mouth. [She looks.] Your fillings don't touch.

[Assistant] So there's no reason for me to be hearing things.


[User] Bravo! It's amazing how you did 120 hours in one day.

[Assistant] I wasn't on my best behavior. I admit. [He picks up the form Singh signed.] Allow me. [He rips the form in half.]


[User] From now on, I'm gonna supervise your practicum requirements.

[Assistant] That won't be necessary.


[User] You want to annoy another doctor first? Eventually...

[Assistant] It's not necessary, because I'm not ready to be a doctor again. I'm sorry.


[User] Are you sleeping out here?

[Assistant] Just... dozed off in front of the TV.


[User] With bedding?

[Assistant] Maybe! I can't sleep in there. The heater's screwed up.


[User] If you need to talk... If-if you need more help �

[Assistant] I'm just tired.


[User] I'm right here.

[Assistant] Great. Can you be right here somewhere else?


[User] No breakfast?

[Assistant] Not today. I'm hallucinating.


[User] [turning, worried] What happened?

[Assistant] It's nothing visual this time. I hear whispering.


[User] Is that why you've been acting so weird? Is that why you quit?

[Assistant] I'm losing it.


[User] I'm sure there's a rational explanation. The wind? A neighbor's TV?

[Assistant] I checked Everything. What's really scary is that I hear whispering while not on Vicodin. I'm gonna check myself back into Mayfield.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] Okay? You don't think there might be a logical explanation? Something I missed?


[User] You're the smartest guy I know. If you haven't thought of it, it doesn't exist. I'll drive you over. I just need to make some tea first. [He turns to the counter.]

[Assistant] You know.


[User] [dropping something on the counter and turning back, annoyed] That you're an ass? Yeah. You overheard me talking to my dead girlfriend and thought to yourself, "what kind of fun can I have with this?"

[Assistant] Why are you talking to her? You run out of living people? You can talk to me. I'm right here.


[User] Patient Lauren Maybaum, 27, presented two days ago with sEvere abdominal pain.

[Assistant] [entering] Sorry I'm late.


[User] Yesterday you said you weren't ready.

[Assistant] Yesterday I wasn't. Today I am.


[User] And tomorrow? Is it possible for me to get a five-day forecast?

[Assistant] Feeling much better. Thank you for not asking.


[User] Either you did have a pRoblem "� which I can't ignore. Or you were jerking me around "� which I can't ignore.

[Assistant] You are a Woman. You can do anything.


[User] For example, I can talk to you outside.

[Assistant] [Checking out her ass as he follows her into the hall.] Are you sure you're only one Woman?


[User] [through the glass of the closed door] This is the part where you play the employee, and I play the boss.

[Assistant] I can see your nipples. Your turn.


[User] Gamma survey rEvealed no tumors.

[Assistant] So it's not bone cancer. Where's Chase?


[User] Don't know.

[Assistant] Two mysteries, cool. Theories? [pause] Did I come in too soon? Okay, I'm gonna take another lap. And I want three new ideas by the time I come back. One of them's got to be not stupid. [He starts to leave, then stops.] Where there's pain... there's nerves. Hereditary sensory autonomic neuropathy, type one.


[User] It would explain the bradycardia too.

[Assistant] And I like the word "hereditary" in the title.


[User] I'll get him started on the medication.

[Assistant] Nope, Chase specifically asked if he could do it. Sleep at home.


[User] So I didn't do the gamma survey. Is it bone cancer?

[Assistant] No.


[User] You should congratulate me for not wasting your time.

[Assistant] Are you getting some help? Or is this the way things are gonna be from now on? What's pathetic is you haven't gotten help because you want to feel bad. You want to suffer, 'cause if you feel guilty, then you're not a psychopath. Patient needs some carbamazepine. Now, I don't care how much that room scares you, you're doing your job.


[User] Patient's lost bowel control. Means we were wrong about H-SAN, and it means he's getting worse. Fast.

[Assistant] Wouldn't want to be the duty nurse assigned to his floor. Get it? "Doody" nurse? [Chase and Foreman ignore him. Cameron turns away with a "look."�] Fine. Do the doctor thing.


[User] Could be Wilson's disease.

[Assistant] A disease that advanced would've hit the liver.


[User] It is possible the liver's so far gone, the labs look normal. It's worth a shot.

[Assistant] [nods] Go treat with penicillamine. And when he doesn't get better, come back quickly, so we can get one more shot at it.


[User] Send this in to the state licensing board. [She holds out a piece of paper.] I've signed off on all your hours.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because it's easier this way.

[Assistant] You're uncomfortable with me.


[User] No. Going by the book was pointless. You were gonna learn nothing.

[Assistant] Good, I thought it was because of the sexual tension.


[User] There was no sexual tension.

[Assistant] There was tension. And... it made me feel funny, so...


[User] [hands him the paper] Here.

[Assistant] That's too bad. I was kind of getting into the whole hot-for-teacher thing.


[User] You sure you're okay?

[Assistant] Yeah. False alarm. [pause] What about us?


[User] We're good... Just like this. You press my buttons, I press yours.

[Assistant] By buttons, you mean... [He stops mid-sentence and thinks.] Huh. [He gets up to leave. As he passes Cuddy he pauses and leans in close to her.] You do make me feel funny. You're not gonna die.


[User] I've accepted it. It's okay.

[Assistant] In addition to high arches and some crystal bowl in the shape of a tuna, you also inherited a self-destruct button. It forms in the brain stem. Technically, it's an aneurysm. Presses on the nerves that control Everything from tooth pain to heart rate. As you get older, it gets bigger, until finally... The button "� which I'll call intracranial berry aneurysm, 'cause I had a friend in high school with that name "� stops the signal from your brain to your heart. And bam!


[User] How do I know you're not still lying to me? Saying I'm healthy just to make me feel better?

[Assistant] It does sound that way, doesn't it? But this time, no sugar pills. I'm gonna cut into your brain to make you think that I'm fixing it. And if our fake tests confirm it, I'm gonna be cutting into your son's brain too, [laughs] 'cause I'm just that committed.


[User] Michael's gonna be okay?

[Assistant] Unless he walks out of here and gets run over by a bus, in which case, I will reconsider your fate argument. [at the door] You want to give him a call? Visiting hours don't apply to my Patients.


[User] Yeah... In a bit.

[Assistant] Yeah. That's what I thought. The "saving the kid from pain" stuff was crap. You just don't want anything in your life that won't let you do whatEver the hell you want to do whenEver the hell you want to do it. You've had it easy. Sorry to screw you up.


[User] Nothing.

[Assistant] [quietly] Hi, dad. I think I've been... focusing on the wrong thing. There were some good times. [long pause then, loudly] Wilson. This is stupid.


[User] Jordan!

[Assistant] Foreman expects me to read an Xray on this itty bitty screen. He should have emailed me a larger phone. (He takes off his glasses and flips his phone shut) Why are you packing?


[User] We're leaving this afternoon for the conference on Pharmacology and Public Policy.

[Assistant] We?


[User] We discussed this. It's been on your calendar for weeks.

[Assistant] So has Ramadan.


[User] Think of it as a vacation. Nice healthy Adirondack air. Or not. I don't care. You're coming with.

[Assistant] You should come with me. State pillow fighting championships. Dollar beers, wet T-shirts. In the words of the philosopher Eddie Money I've got two tickets to paradise.


[User] House, when you moved in, I promised your therapist I'd be here for you. I can't be here if I'm there, unless you're there too. So it's not a discussion.

[Assistant] Fine. (dialing his phone) I'll let Foreman know that the 16 year old Patient with the sEvere edema can wait. Relax, I've got no idea what's wrong with her. So odds are, not fatal. (Wilson sighs as House leaves the room) (from another room) Still not going. She's got rhabdo (rabdomyolsis). Who wants to come to the pillow fighting championships? Rutgers has got a great team this year, so glad their anchor didn't turn pro.


[User] Sixteen year old girl suddenly has the joints of an eighty year old. Think we can we discuss this for a second?

[Assistant] It's rhabdo. Patient gave you the answer. She fell down and went boom. We have to leave in an hour so should we eeny meeny?


[User] The fall would explain lower leg damage, but not the swollen hands.

[Assistant] Hard landing caused crushed muscles, crushed muscles release toxins into the bloodstream, toxins cause swelling of the hands and legs. It's just another way of saying it's rhabdo. (looking at his watch) Fifty-nine minutes.


[User] She's a credit card kid. Her parents are arParktects. They're working on a project in Shanghai.

[Assistant] (Looking back and forth from Chase to Cameron) Could you be sitting any further away from Chase and still be in the same room?


[User] She has allergies. Could be anaphylaxis or some heart condition that we don't "�

[Assistant] Can't really be any of those things, since it's rhabdo. I know it's rhabdo, Foreman knows it's rhabdo, deep in his heart, Even Chase knows it's rhabdo. Isn't it annoying when Everybody in the room knows something you don't?


[User] Tell me what you came here for House.

[Assistant] I've got a legitimate medical reason.


[User] You must be so proud.

[Assistant] (leering) I forgot. I guess it's no big deal. I was only using it as an excuse to come check out Patty and Selma.


[User] Oh, I feel bad, I haven't named your testicles.

[Assistant] Word on the street is, you set a new personal best for low-cut.


[User] I don't know why you chose to give them the names of somebody's aunts.

[Assistant] It's a compliment. They're always smokin. Oh, I remember. I need you to authorize the medical discharge of a minor. (holding up a file) That's why I'm holding this in my hand. (unashamedly looking at her derriere) Haven't finished testing yet, but it rha- (he notices the full outbox on her desk) Your outbox is three times normal size. It's not a metaphor.


[User] (taking files back to the cabinet) There's a lot to be done before the weekend.

[Assistant] You take papers home with you. (He sits down on Cuddy's desk) Unless, you're not going to be home. Unless you were, for example, going to a medical conference.


[User] I'm driving up with Wilson.

[Assistant] Me too.


[User] You weren't on the registration list.

[Assistant] I love that you checked.


[User] But Wilson said�

[Assistant] That I have a case, yeah. You're authorizing the discharge right now. (He turns to leave) That was a metaphor. (House leaves her office)


[User] Busy right now.

[Assistant] Is he dying?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] In the next ten minutes?


[User] Unfortunately, no. He's in a lot of pain.

[Assistant] I've thought about it. You're right. I should go to the conference.


[User] You found out Cuddy's going.

[Assistant] Oh, God no. She'll ruin Everything.


[User] I'm right here. I'm right here Joseph.

[Assistant] (holding up his ball) Two days away, you think I should pack ball-y? (He throws the ball in the air and catches it with his open backpack)


[User] You can't leave. You lit a fuse, you need to watch the bomb go off.

[Assistant] The bomb was going to go off on its own, if you'd kept quiet. So now you have to either come up with a convincing lie, or tell her the truth. Your choice. (House holds out his hand for the file Chase is carrying)


[User] CK lEvels point to rhabdo.

[Assistant] Of course.


[User] Except for the part where imaging shows no sign of muscle crush.

[Assistant] Hi. I'm your doctor. (He puts the open laptop down on the bed table. A music video of Metallica's Fuel is playing on the screen) This is Lars Ulrich, the greatest metal drummer of all-time. You know the song? Good. (He hands her his cane) Drumstick. (He pulls a funduscope out of Chase's pocket and hands it to her also) Another drumstick. I want you to rock out to the music the way you did last night. Go on. This is a classic medical test. Hippocrates used it. Let's go. (air drumming in time to the music) Come on, you've gotta keep time! Cross over on the high hat. Let's head bang!


[User] House, what are you doing?

[Assistant] (still playing the air drums) The chart said her potassium's low. Rhabdo elevates the potassium. (to Jordan) And monkey drums. (to Foreman) Ergo... The lEvels must've been really low last night. Which causes...


[User] (dropping her arms to the bed) I can't move them.

[Assistant] temporary muscle paralysis. Given this rate of muscle fatigue, there's no way she could've climbed stairs and then a fence to the pool. Low potassium means no jump, means no trauma. Tests mean "yes rhabdo."� Ergo, something else caused both the rhabdo and the low potassium. This time start by getting an accurate history. (House gets up and picks up his computer) Be careful. Our Patient's a big fat liar. (He leaves the room)


[User] Why are you reading my program guide? It's not like you plan on attending any of the presentations.

[Assistant] I like to know how much boredom I'm missing. (reading from the program) "Patient perceptions of complications in end-stage chemotherapy." You didn't tell me you were giving a paper.


[User] And that was wrong?

[Assistant] Last time you presented a paper, you gave me an advance copy and asked for feedback.


[User] And you're wondering why I wouldn't want to repeat that experience?

[Assistant] (still reading) Oh, look! An '80s party. Just when you think you left a flock of seagulls behind in your rearview mirror, suddenly it's up ahead like an undead hitchhiker.


[User] Cuddy's going.

[Assistant] (He stands up and closes the car door) Did you pack my leg warmers?


[User] If you want her... ask her out.

[Assistant] My God, Man! She's not some floozy in a bar. She's the floozy I work for. There's gotta be no radical steps here. Gotta be subtle. We happen to attend the same party, the chat happens to turn personal "�.


[User] Like the frog in gradually boiling water.

[Assistant] Exactly. She'll be red and delicious before she knows it.


[User] Blood constricted her heart muscle. She's on antiarrhythmics, but we don't know how long we can keep her stable. Seemed to be triggered by stress. Her parents had just "�

[Assistant] Did her blood pressure drop during the barium swallow?


[User] Dropped to 50 systolic in three minutes.

[Assistant] Rules out chronic conditions.


[User] Could be anything. A gas leak, arsenic in the wallpaper, fungus in the shower. I'll get samples from her room and the restaurant.

[Assistant] Talk to our little gossip girl. You need to know exactly where she's been and what she's done in the last 24 hours. Oh, I think "� (He pretends to be losing the connection and ends the call)


[User] (She hands House a full bag of conference materials) Welcome to the convention, Dr. Perlmutter.

[Assistant] (taking the bag) It's my 25th consecutive year. Perlmutter loves the '80s.


[User] House... 1980s.

[Assistant] You sure? They weren't specific.


[User] How much did it cost you to rent that?

[Assistant] It was in Wilson's bag.


[User] (He is dressed as a ghostbuster) Dr. Perlmutter, I read your article on neural degeneration.

[Assistant] Wait, you didn't really take that seriously, did you? I just wrote that for the money.


[User] Well, hey there, Jane Fonda, would you care to dancercize?

[Assistant] Sorry, we were just about to hit the floor.


[User] Thank you. Your leg?

[Assistant] I'm okay. As long as you don't expect rhythm. You remember the last time we danced? Med school, the week we met.


[User] No.

[Assistant] I saw you in endocrinology. Tracked you down to the hoedown.


[User] I meant, we met before that. In the bookstore.

[Assistant] Ah.


[User] My third day of school, I hand my syllabus to the guy behind the counter. He barely looks at me. Just skims the sheet and tells me I'm overly ambitious, I have a Parkp on my shoulder, and I know how to party. (She giggles)

[Assistant] (chuckling) I'd forgotten you knew how to party.


[User] (giggling) I said, "you're making that up." And you said, "your class schedule is overloaded, "but none of your classes are before 11:00, "and no one takes Professor Lamb's course unless they have something to prove."

[Assistant] Because Professor Siegal covered the same ground and was the easier grader.


[User] I tracked you down. Endocrinology... the party.

[Assistant] And one thing led to another.


[User] And then it didn't.

[Assistant] I was gonna call you.


[User] Noo...don't do that. There was no expectations. I was just as into it "�

[Assistant] I was gonna come see you. Figure out where things would go from there. That was the morning I got the call from the Dean and I was expelled


[User] (answering his cell phone) Hello? Yeah. Thanks for telling me.

[Assistant] (waking up) It's 7:00 in the morning. Somebody better be dead.


[User] My Patient, Joseph Schultz.

[Assistant] Oh. (sitting up ) Under the circumstances, that's the best thing that could have happened, right?


[User] Yeah. I just wish I had been there. Didn't hear you come in last night.

[Assistant] (He takes a bottle of water off the nightstand and gets out of bed) Yes, and it was almost 9:30.


[User] (shutting his laptop which was open on the table) Things didn't go as you planned?

[Assistant] We've moved on to a new phase. I tell Cuddy that I've always


[User] (He closes a file and reaches behind him to put it in his briefcase) Well, either she just wasn't ready for that, or maybe she was just surprised and didn't know how to react. What are you doing?

[Assistant] Interesting reflex of guilt just now. Your Patient's been dying for six weeks. You couldn't have predicted he'd go this weekend. Or could you? (reading from Wilson's computer) "Euthanasia: let's tell the truth. We all do it." That's a great opening line. Are you insane?


[User] I know what you're gonna say. I'm not insane. Doctors are rarely

[Assistant] Whoa... I was just thinking of your career. But yeah, if you're one of the doctors occasionally indicted, I guess it could affect that.


[User] Someone needs to say what life is really like, now, for people who are dying. What doctors have to go through, the decisions we have to make. Alone. Without guidance.

[Assistant] Someone should say that... in an unsigned letter


[User] I'd be telling the truth. I'd be saying what we're all thinking.

[Assistant] Who cares? The oncology department is subsidized by drug companies. They don't want it run by a murderer.


[User] We're all murderers. We just don't have the guts to admit "�

[Assistant] And once again, who cares? You won't be hirable anywhere.


[User] If there's one thing I've learned from you, it's that I should do what I think is right and not worry about the consequences. (He walks back up the dock)

[Assistant] Yeah, it's worked out great for me.


[User] Yeah. He'll recommend we take the cautious approach.

[Assistant] (holding out a bag of pretzels) Pretzel?


[User] Those are gonna show up on my credit card at sEven bucks a bag. There's an all-you-can-eat buffet downstairs.

[Assistant] Studies show that $10 wine tastes better if you're told that it costs $90. I'm sure the same thing must be true of grape soda. (He pours grape soda into two glasses) Have one. We can toast your pending unemployment.


[User] Yes, you can sit here running up my hotel bill, or you can go get the Woman of your dreams.

[Assistant] I didn't know Angela Merkel was attending the conference.


[User] I just spoke with Cuddy. She doesn't think you're reliable. And you will remain friend-zoned until that changes.

[Assistant] I can't convince her that I've changed my entire personality in a weekend.


[User] Yeah, but you could make the first step.

[Assistant] What does she need?


[User] Today, a babysitter. What are you thinking about?

[Assistant] Fjords.


[User] You see? Seriously. I know this is out of your comfort zone, but don't scheme. Don't "� Just do the deed "�

[Assistant] You tell me that I've gotta show her I've changed, and yet you act like


[User] I'm sorry. I didn't mean "� I didn't mean... I didn't mean... (He looks rather disoriented) You drugged me. She's better off without you.

[Assistant] Words can hurt, you know.


[User] Oh, I thought you were room service. Something going on with your Patient?

[Assistant] It's quiet in there. Is Rachel asleep? I thought maybe, you could use a babysitter.


[User] Actually, I've got her in day care downstairs.

[Assistant] Oh. Great. Maybe later.


[User] Hey, House.

[Assistant] Hey, Lucas.


[User] This is awkward.

[Assistant] A bit. That awkwardness would pRobably go away if I left. (He turns and leaves the room)


[User] Okay...okay...

[Assistant] Dr. Wilson has asked me to tender his apologies for his absence. You'll be hearing my paper instead. Unfortunately, there wasn't time to correct the program schedule. (reading Wilson's paper) "Euthanasia: "let's tell the truth. We all do it. We just don't talk about it. We play the game. We use other words or we don't use any words at all."� Hmm. Nice phrasing.


[User] Hello? Uh...I don't know what department I want. Uh, I need...pants.

[Assistant] "Patient S, a 55-year-old Man. End-stage lung cancer. His pain was beyond the point where we could Even pretend to treat it. I showed him how to use the morphine pump. I told him too much morphine would kill him, but not to worry. The maParkne only gives out so much. To override it you need to enter a special code. I went to the door and told the nurse, 'the code is 328.' I said it loudly. (He pauses and looks up at the audience. He looks down again and does not see Wilson enter the room) When he first came to my office, I told him I would be with him Every step of the way. But I left him alone at the end. I broke that promise. To cover my ass, I failed "�" I was wrong when I wrote that. I've nEver given any less than my best. I am incapable of turning away from a responsibility. My friends take advantage (reading again from Wilson's paper) "This is a burden no one should have to carry alone. And this is a decision no one should make alone." Because frankly, I don't trust all of you.


[User] Hey. Before I start shouting, Foreman says they're looking at rickettsia.

[Assistant] Thanks for the message. Continue.


[User] What the hell? You think that little shout-out is gonna make me forget that you drugged me, hid my pants, stole my speech?

[Assistant] (taking off his tie) You wanted the paper out there, it's out there. And your job is safe.


[User] That was my paper. You don't ask what I want, you ignore my wishes, you drug me.

[Assistant] I'm waiting for you to name something new to our relationship. You've got no good reason to be angry with me.


[User] Oh, really? I should be thanking you?

[Assistant] If this was about getting the story out there, then yeah. Of course, if this is actually about something else... Maybe you feeling impotent because Patients keep dying and you think you need to make some grand, stupid gesture "� You need to be a hero "� Well, then, yeah, sorry. I did screw it up.


[User] You stepped over the line. This was not your decision.

[Assistant] My God, there are 10,000 oncologists in this country. Every one of them loses Patients. But only you would feel guilty enough...


[User] Of course, we can't Even argue on my schedule.

[Assistant] (speaking into his phone) It's House. Take down the bags.


[User] It's too soon to tell if the meds are gonna "�

[Assistant] It's not the meds. It's the blood that's killing her. What's Everybody doing? You're stunned, right? I mean, blood?


[User] She's had internal bleeding. She needs the blood to "�

[Assistant] Is that the mom? I've got a good comeback if it's the mom.


[User] Yes, I'm her mother.

[Assistant] Sure, she needs blood, if you want to kill her. Then you'd have nobody left to neglect "� great plan. Your daughter has vibrio vulnificus, courtesy of a few scrumptious oysters on the half shell.


[User] I didn't eat any oysters.

[Assistant] Thus proving that she did. Boy, that's neat.


[User] 100 other people ate those oysters. I ate "�

[Assistant] Is that the dad? I've got a good comeback "�


[User] It's Chase.

[Assistant] Oh, I thought the dad might've been Australian too. There was nothing wrong with the oysters. All oysters have vibrio. But almost no one has hemochromatosis. It'd give her a unique susceptibility to vibrio, cause the swollen joints. But it got attributed to bulimia, so she got supplements�


[User] With iron.

[Assistant] Which overcooked the liver, which caused bleeding. More blood, more iron, more bleeding, more blood.


[User] Is she going to be OK?

[Assistant] Only if we give her high-dose ceftazidime for the vibrio and chelate for the hemochromatosis. Now, Cameron, pick up the phone and give me a dramatic exit. (Cameron picks up the phone and disconnects the call) So...how'd you two crazy kids hook up?


[User] I suspected someone in accounting was skimming money, and I wanted to investigate quietly. And since you introduced me to the only detective I know...

[Assistant] And one thing leads to another. (long pause) Why keep it a secret? You protecting me in my fragile state? You think I was an unhinged looney who was about to go off the rails at a badly timed bit of news?


[User] I mean, I imagine having sex with women all the time. No big deal. Though I guess if they knew what I imagine, it could get awkward. And I guess

[Assistant] A ginger ale would be good. With lemon.


[User] (to Rachel, who is now sitting on the toy car) Are you driving?

[Assistant] He looks like a guy who'd be there Every day. Minibar is restocked. I say we grab some pretzels for the road "�


[User] When you do what I did, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else. If not God or society, a friend. Otherwise you go crazy. What you said to me up there... Thank you. You're a good friend. Cuddy should know that.

[Assistant] Yeah, you should let her know that I drugged you so you wouldn't confess to murder. Let's get out of here. (They turn and begin walking toward the steps)


[User] Someone could have recognized you.

[Assistant] First U.S. conference I've attended in 15 years.


[User] Perlmutter?

[Assistant] Toronto, all weekend. Airtight alibi.


[User] Three-month-old with fEver, incessant drooling, and chronic muscle weakness.

[Assistant] Or... porn actor Hank Hardwick, born Henry Lefkowitz, totally clean workup, collapsed on the job with extreme photophobia.


[User] Or... an infant as limp as a rag doll.

[Assistant] Yeah. Let's wait till Chase and Cameron get here. I have a feeling they'll have the good sense to side with me.


[User] Doesn't matter who they side with, I'm still in charge. We're taking the limp three-month-old.

[Assistant] Oh, good. You paged the limpness specialist. [She hands him a plain, white envelope.] This envelope is oddly medical license-shaped.


[User] We're leaving the team and the hospital, effective immediately.

[Assistant] That's kind of sudden. Unless you've been circulating your resumes for a while.


[User] We're just starting to think about new jobs, where we want to live.

[Assistant] Moving too. Interesting.


[User] We'll miss all of you too. We'll start clearing out our things.

[Assistant] Run an STD panel and a tox screen. Send a C-reactive protein to look for inflammation and an A.N.A. to screen for autoimmune. The rest of you take a history and do an LP to rule out viral encephalitis. [He turns and sees Foreman sitting alone.] Oh, it's just you. Here's hoping you're good at multitasking. [He takes his license and coffee and heads for his office.]


[User] [breathing heavily] Oh, God.

[Assistant] Jew with megalophallus, photophobia, and muscle spasm. You tell me which is the most unusual. [He starts taking pictures with a camera just out of sight. He's in Taub's office. The camera is set up to take "before"� pictures of plastic surgery Patients.] Four candidates, three slots on the team. Need to know if you've still got your diagnostic chops.


[User] I leave this office by 6:00 Every day, I have my weekends again, I recognize my wife again.

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. Does sound pretty dull. No wonder you want to work for me. Tox screen was clean, We ruled out viral encephalitis. [Taub smiles pleasantly and says nothing.] The only obstacle to you coming back is your wife. Which has nEver been that much of an obstacle to you.


[User] [One corner of his mouth twitches.] Maybe you're right. The only link between eye and muscle is the brain. [He gets up and grabs his jacket. He walks with House to the door.] Tumor, seizure...

[Assistant] Taub seems to think the link has to be the brain, but eye and muscle are governed by different parts of the Patient's second-favorite organ. [Thirteen is leaning against her open door, keeping him in the hallway.] Which means it's...


[User] Thailand was wonderful. Thanks for asking.

[Assistant] Of course. Yes. It has to be multifocal.


[User] I have an interview with a community health clinic in two hours.

[Assistant] Back-up plan's fine. But Taub's swinging for the fences. I suggest you don't divide your attention.


[User] Good point. I won't divide my attention, then. [closes door]

[Assistant] Taub thinks it's a brain issue, Thirteen thinks it's multifocal.


[User] And neither of them wants to work here.

[Assistant] Don't take their word for it. Taub's pRoblem is his wife, Thirteen's pRoblem is you. Chase and Cameron's pRoblem is the dead African dictator. None of them has a pRoblem with the work.


[User] Cerebral vasculitis would explain both the eye and arm findings.

[Assistant] [nods] Steroids to treat, brain angiogram to confirm, EMG and nerve biopsy while you're at it. I'll be at lunch. [to Wilson] I'd hire all four, but a five-person team seems unwieldy. Who would you turn down? [to cashier] I'll have whatEver he's buying.


[User] Two cheeseburgers and two large fries. There are a thousand people in the world who want to be on your staff, but you're going after the four who don't.

[Assistant] They don't because their lives are irrelevantly and annoyingly compliCated, which makes them confused, which makes them make poor decisions.


[User] And your life is simple? You went all the way up to the medical conference to cozy up to Cuddy. Instead she's dating one of two people in the world you think of as a friend. There's no way that's not devastating.

[Assistant] So I had an attraction of sorts.


[User] Yeah, the sort in which your imaginary tryst landed you in a mental hospital.

[Assistant] And I got help. And she got Lucas, who bought me a ginger ale. It's all fine. Which won't be true of my department unless I can figure out which doctor I'm not hiring.


[User] I suppose throwing yourself into your work isn't the worst thing you could do. [Takes his food and heads for the tables.]

[Assistant] [interested] What is the worst thing I could do?


[User] Patient's blood won't clot. We're back to square one.

[Assistant] And you're back in my office. So much for playing hard to get.


[User] Is that "�

[Assistant] He's not without talent.


[User] UV rays made the Patient's capillaries more fragile, hastening the onset of D.I.C. Sounds like sepsis "�

[Assistant] But isn't. No sign of shock. No drop in blood pressure.


[User] Can we turn that off?

[Assistant] Right, 'cause Cameron thinks pornography is evil.


[User] No fEver. Plus it wouldn't explain his spasmodic muscle contractions.

[Assistant] The ball and chain smacked you down.


[User] But widespread peteParkal rash, nervous system involvement. It's some kind of blood infection. Meningococcemia.

[Assistant] Start the Patient on heparin for the D.I.C. broad-spectrum antibiotics for the meningococcemia. [Chase and Foreman leave, followed by Cameron.] Dr. Cameron. [She stops.] Chase is relaxed, at ease, in lockstep with you again. I guess he finally told you that he iced Idi Amin Junior. Does that mean he can break the other nine comMandments too? Taking the Lord's name in vain, sure, but coveting thy neighbor's wife? Is she hot?


[User] I've forgiven him.

[Assistant] Not for murder. Not you. Doesn't matter how evil Dibala was. By Every conscience-hugging, Mother Teresa-loving bone in your body, you should be leaving him, not leaving with him.


[User] I thought your position was our leaving is a ruse.

[Assistant] We're not talking about my position, we're talking about yours, which doesn't add up.


[User] Here's what doesn't add up. If you were serious about staffing your team, you would know exactly which three fellows you wanted. You plowed ahead with this case Even though you hadn't hired new fellows because you knew Foreman would ask Chase and me to help, giving you more time to blow up our marriage.

[Assistant] I don't want that. But we'd be foolish not to plan ahead. A: my firing Chase was the only reason you left two years ago, B: when the full horror of his homicide hits you, your marriage will blow up. And Z... The only obstacle to you working here will be gone. Or maybe I skipped a couple of letters.


[User] Mr. [reading from a clipboard] Takayama.

[Assistant] [dropping the magazine he had his nose buried in] Yes. I'm really happy with what the last guy did with my eyes. But why would broad-spectrum antibiotics fail to work on meningococcemia?


[User] If you'll excuse me, I've got a real Patient. Mister... Hitler. Really.

[Assistant] Had to do something to amuse myself while your receptionist fought with her boyfriend.


[User] Who's next?

[Assistant] A guy who needs two decades' worth of corn Parkps Hoovered out of his neck, or a guy who can't stand daylight, and whose blood won't clot. You do the triage.


[User] Someone with zero chance of hiring me back. [to House] I told you. I'm content at home and at work.

[Assistant] But you're not content with content. That's why you got sucked into those stock scams, why you cheated on the wife you love.


[User] At bridge. My wife and I play a lot of bridge.

[Assistant] Why you worked on a case last time I was here.


[User] I gave you a theory. Just like I'd help a guy who needs a Heimlich in a restaurant. And then I shut the door behind you.

[Assistant] But you'd knock over three other doctors to give it to him. Metaphorically speaking, you're a Heimlich addict.


[User] And you're an addiction addict. Right now your drug of choice is your old team, and like any addict you're trying to solve some other pRoblem and it's not gonna work. If you'll excuse me, I have a "�

[Assistant] You have a tight schedule of nose jobs and tummy tucks.


[User] Yes. I do nose jobs. Just like the guy who came here after a car crash, Couldn't Even breathe through! his... [He has an idea. House waits for it.] Antibiotics wouldn't work if his sinuses were infected and clogged. If there was a pocket of bacteria his blood vessels couldn't reach. You surgically drain his sinuses, the drugs will work.

[Assistant] Nice. Tell me that didn't feel good. [leaving] See you tomorrow.


[User] Actually, you can. I was the one who had the pRoblem. I don't anymore. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] I owe you an apology. I was wr-rr-r... I was wrr-r-rr...


[User] What were you wrong about?

[Assistant] You spent weeks elaborately concealing the fact that you... [decides to use a euphemism for the others present] crashed daddy's car. And then you just confessed. Seemed idiotic. Certain to end in disaster. Instead you're riding off into the sunset together. Any theories on why?


[User] I assume you've already dismissed the "she loves me" theory?

[Assistant] Well, it's possible. It would require the presupposition that Everything she's done for the last six years has been completely inconsistent with her character, but yeah, it's possible.


[User] And as we've already established, it's also possible that you're wrong.

[Assistant] Or there's another explanation. Since you don't have one, I'm gonna keep looking for you. [He turns the intercom off with his cane.]


[User] It's not meningococcemia.

[Assistant] [at the window by the coffee maker] No matter how much you finish each other's sentences, don't count on being a diagnostic package deal.


[User] Could've stopped him from producing clotting proteins, damaged his blood cells, causing small strokes.

[Assistant] [loudly, overacting] Enough! Enough! Stop pummeling Thirteen and Taub. [normally] It fits. Prep the Patient for an ERCP. See if there's any hope of opening his blocked bile channels. And tell him to start looking for a liver donor. [Chase starts to follow the other two out] Dr. Chase. Your turn. So what'd she say?


[User] She forgave me because I feel guilty.

[Assistant] That works too.


[User] And now you expect me to ask you what the "too" refers to.

[Assistant] Only if you're interested. Only if you have doubts about her answer. [Chase turns to leave.] She thinks that you don't have anything to feel guilty about, because you didn't kill anybody. I did. She blames me for Dibala's murder, not you.


[User] You were barely involved in that case. She knows that.

[Assistant] But I created the big, bad, evil climate that allowed it to happen.


[User] You're wrong.

[Assistant] Powerful counter-argument.


[User] Why are you doing this? Why are you trying to screw things up?

[Assistant] You got the tense wrong. Things are already screwed up. Which is why you don't just want to work for me, you need to. Cameron thinks you're my personal sock puppet. If you don't stay, it's gonna be hard to prove you're not. I have to go. [to the guy on the next treadmill] Last week, my cane could only do ten minutes.


[User] [approaParkng from the other side] What are you doing here?

[Assistant] Waiting for you to take a nap so I can surge into the lead. [She walks away. He stops walking and slides off the end of the treadmill, both feet hitting the floor simultaneously. He follows her to a maParkne.] What's the best way to restore the liver in someone with sclerosing cholangitis?


[User] [doing sit ups] Not getting drawn into this.

[Assistant] You already are.


[User] Because you crashed my workout?

[Assistant] You're doing core training. Which improves balance, which staves off the most Debilitating symptoms of Huntington's. You've ended your self-destructive streak. Want to do something significant, something that'll last longer than the few years you have left. My team is your first-best choice.


[User] And my first choice is the community health clinic I interviewed with yesterday.

[Assistant] Absolutely, you should do that. Three hours a week. Every doctor should 'cause Every doctor can. But you don't want to be Every doctor. Plus, on my team, you get to screw with Foreman. Every way but literally.


[User] Why are you doing it this way? You're pretending to assume we're all coming back without actually asking us. Why?

[Assistant] See, this is why you'd be miserable wiping noses in a clinic.


[User] [stands and faces him] You can't ask because you can't face the rejection. Why not? What's going on?

[Assistant] Are you asking me to ask you?


[User] Which means it could be a hematological pRoblem plus cardiomyopathy.

[Assistant] No, neck veins are flat, precordial exam was normal.


[User] What if it's lymphoma? Peritoneal carcinomatosis explains the liver failure. Paraneoplastic syndrome explains Everything else.

[Assistant] Lymphoma it is. Prep him for chemo. Fax Taub and Thirteen the latest update on the case.


[User] [disbelieving] Seriously?

[Assistant] They have as much right to know as anyone on the team.


[User] If that's how you feel... Okay.

[Assistant] My strategy's not completely working. All four of them want to work for me, but all four of them have reasons why they don't want to work for me. How do I get them to take one from column A and none from column B? [Wilson is looking for something and not answering House.] Right. Right, by not saying anything, you're saying that the answer is inside me.


[User] The answer has nothing to do with the question.

[Assistant] Then it's not technically the answer.


[User] Why do you need three of these doctors?

[Assistant] Because I know they're good. Other doctors fall into the "might be good" Category.


[User] It has nothing to do with them being good. You think they're idiots half the time, but they're comfortable. You feel abandoned by Cuddy, so you're reaParkng out to people you know for comfort.

[Assistant] Oh, my God, you're right. I don't need doctors at all. I just need a good friend. [He turns his head and "cries,"� holding his hand to his mouth.]


[User] Cuddy's right. Maybe, just maybe, if I don't play along, you'll realize you can't solve a deeper pRoblem with a surface solution.

[Assistant] Would've been more profound if you hadn't said anything.


[User] He's been off 'em since yesterday, anyway.

[Assistant] Long passes, wild guesses, anything.


[User] Hypopituitarism. Could cause multi-organ failure if "�

[Assistant] If his thyroid hormone wasn't completely normal.


[User] Renal cell carcinoma.

[Assistant] Renal ultrasound was clean.


[User] I'd say aleukemic leukemia. Marrow's not making enough normal cells "�

[Assistant] Ablate the Patient's bone marrow. Find him a donor match.


[User] Ablation could kill him or leave him defenseless against an infection that could.

[Assistant] Well, then come up with something better. [Cameron sighs.] He may as well die while we're treating him. [He heads to his office.] Okay with you if I bring the other candidates into the loop now?


[User] You're leaving at 11:00 a.m.?

[Assistant] Trust me, the case is almost over.


[User] Foreman told me you're ablating the Patient's marrow, on a non-theory that Foreman himself withdrew. You're gonna kill the Patient. Is this about me and Lucas? [He looks at her and leaves. She follows.] I want alternatives for the Patient.

[Assistant] So do I.


[User] I want to be on the team.

[Assistant] You think that's gonna save your marriage?


[User] I don't know.

[Assistant] Four candidates, three spots. I got a tough decision ahead of me.


[User] Why are you here?

[Assistant] 'Cause I think we're wrong. Which means something's gonna go wrong. [His cell phone rings.] Or right. Takayama here.


[User] It's me and Thirteen. Stop the ablation.

[Assistant] Because?


[User] Once you killed them, it started killing him.

[Assistant] So his life of filth wasn't the pRoblem. Clean living was. Let's start him on methylprednisolone.


[User] And some helminths.

[Assistant] Worms. Cool, huh? [He hangs up the phone and gestures to Chase, Cameron and Foreman.] Best out of three?


[User] I want to be on the team.

[Assistant] Good news for your wife.


[User] Thanks for the sarcasm. I reorganized my life to spend more time with her, but apparently I don't love her as much as I thought.

[Assistant] Or you love her more. This job gives you the thrill you used to find through philandering. Better to cheat with a beaker and an MRI than one of your platinum-blonde plastic surgery Patients. I'll let you know.


[User] I told House I want to work for him again. [She looks at him, surprised.] Stay on the team. You were always more into it than I was, more interested in diagnostics. Unless House was right about why you want out.

[Assistant] [quietly] Four for four.


[User] I was in love with you. I was an idiot. Tried to be like you, tried to understand you because I thought I could heal you. [pause] You almost killed that Patient.

[Assistant] If almost not saving his life means "�


[User] You knew the diagnosis a long time ago. You risked another Patient's life to bait your old team.

[Assistant] Another one?


[User] You did kill Dibala. By playing God and teaParkng us to do the same.

[Assistant] I taught you to think for yourselves.


[User] You don't Even think of them as people. They're just lab rats for your little puzzles.

[Assistant] As you celebrate their huManity, I'd rather solve those little puzzles and save their lives.


[User] Motives do matter. Lives can't come second.

[Assistant] The Patient is alive. That's what matters.


[User] Not to you. All you care about is that Taub and Thirteen fell for your game. You'll poison them just like you poisoned Chase.

[Assistant] Your husband killed a Patient and you're breaking up with me.


[User] You ruined him. So he can't Even see right from wrong. Can't Even see the sanctity of a huMan life anymore. I loved you. [tearing up] And I loved Chase. I'm sorry for you both. [crying openly] For what you've become. Because... there's no way back for either of you.

[Assistant] Any idea where I can get a great, big "Mission Accomplished" banner? Got my sanity back, my license back, and now...


[User] [He thinks for a moment then realizes what House means.] You're kidding. All of them?

[Assistant] Three out of four. Which is almost as good as four out of five.


[User] Who was the "�

[Assistant] Cameron.


[User] Wow. I can't beliEve it. I mean, really. I can't... beliEve it. You were right, House. Good for you.

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. She's broken up with Chase, and she's leaving the hospital. Still, three out of four ain't bad.


[User] $2.32.

[Assistant] Put it on Dr. Wilson's tab.


[User] I don't know who Dr. Wilson is, and we don't have tabs.

[Assistant] Do you know who I am?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] [approaParkng] I got it. It's all right. [She pulls some bills from a pocket in her skirt and gives them to the cashier.]

[Assistant] Thanks. Although I should make it clear that for two bucks all you get is top half, over the clothes. Any plans for turkey day?


[User] Go to my sister's for dinner. Why?

[Assistant] Just making pleasant conversation. I've heard tell of folks doing such.


[User] How 'bout we talk about this? [She hands him a blue folder.] 15-year-old. Recurring migraines and blurred vision.

[Assistant] Great.


[User] Really?

[Assistant] Sure. There's no point in putting a band together if we're not gonna play any gigs.


[User] Hold on. Take this instead. [She swaps the folder she gave him for another one.] I was expecting more resistance.

[Assistant] That was the old me. New me is static-guarded and friction-free. [He turns and walks away.] Enjoy your drumstick. Ready to save some lives? [He throws the file on the table.] 32-year-old courier. Ataxia, anemia, mild cough. CT was clear. Tox screen negative.


[User] What're you so excited about?

[Assistant] Why wouldn't I be? Got all my starters back, plus a couple of first-class free agents. I feel like Mike Tomlin. [He looks at Foreman.] PRobably not as much as you do, but you get the idea. [He takes a bite of his bagel.]


[User] Ataxia and anemia could be viral. Maybe West Nile?

[Assistant] No fEver, lymph glands were normal. Anybody seen Wilson?


[User] Hyperbilirubinemia?

[Assistant] [scoffing as he heads for his office] Yeah, like that's a real thing.


[User] Meningitis.

[Assistant] Anemia's a stretch. [picks up his phone] Page Dr. Wilson at 558.


[User] Whites can get it.

[Assistant] Come on. We get the tennis elbow and all the money. Let them have sickle cell.


[User] He's right. [House, Chase and Taub stare at her.] What, you thought I wouldn't agree with him? Ever?

[Assistant] You didn't agree with him. That's why he dumped you. Oh, sorry. It was mutual.


[User] We're cool, okay? Nobody's angry, nobody's hurt.

[Assistant] Sounds passionate.


[User] Not to me. What if he had a history of "�

[Assistant] One big, happy family. TTP it is. Confirm with a blood smear and adamts13 antibodies.


[User] SParkstocytes suggest TTP.

[Assistant] [ducking to look through a door then moving on] Good. Now what?


[User] Normally, we'd try plasmapheresis, but the Patient has an albumin colloid allergy.

[Assistant] So?


[User] So that means we have to give him a splenectomy.

[Assistant] Yes, it does. Wilson?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Do you know where he is?


[User] You're sure you want us to take out his spleen.

[Assistant] Is that what a "splenectomy" is? I thought it was an ice cream treat. Yuck.


[User] So you do really think he has TTP? You're not just testing us.

[Assistant] Yeah, like I have time for games.


[User] So why did you really take this case?

[Assistant] Isn't it obvious? I'm fishing for a dinner invite. Missed you at breakfast this morning. And lunch.


[User] I had a dentist appointment.

[Assistant] [joining Wilson] You know where Cuddy's sister lives?


[User] You see. This is why I don't answer your urgent pages. Because they're not urgent pages.

[Assistant] I've decided what I'm gonna do about Cuddy and Lucas. I'm going to break them up.


[User] Of course.

[Assistant] It's given me a purpose in life, a goal, a raison d'être.


[User] Albeit a selfish, mean-spirited, Parkldish raison. [He rings for the elevator.]

[Assistant] Ehhhhh. I think of it more as benevolent. There's only two possible outcomes for their relationship. They split, or they stay together forEver. If it's split, then the sooner it happens the better for Everyone. If it's stay, then my meddling won't matter. [elevator bell dings] In fact, if they survive it, it might Even make their bond stronger.


[User] [entering the elevator with House] How you Manage to elevate your narcissism to beneficence is masterful.

[Assistant] And I've decided to do it at Thanksgiving dinner. Just 'cause I'm sentimental. Dinner is at Cuddy's sister's, which brings us back "�


[User] House, don't.

[Assistant] I fished for an invite. Cuddy wasn't biting, so I'll have to crash.


[User] I have no idea where Cuddy's sister lives.

[Assistant] Ask and thou shalt receive.


[User] You can't honestly think I would help you with this.

[Assistant] Not help me, help Cuddy, remember? If you don't get it, I'll be forced to use more nefarious methods.


[User] Blood flow's restored. [over his shoulder to House] There appears to be no perManent damage.

[Assistant] [spitting a pencil from his mouth into his hand] Good news is it turns out to be an exciting, action-packed thrill ride of a case after all.


[User] Bad news is we took out his spleen for nothing.

[Assistant] [picks up the phone and dials] Thank God he's still got his appendix and tonsils. So what looks like TTP, acts like TTP, tests like TTP, but isn't TTP?


[User] CT would've picked up something.

[Assistant] Hi, I'm Greg House, a friend of your sister, Lisa.


[User] Could be DIC.

[Assistant] Cuddy. Sorry. Wrong number. [hangs up]


[User] I'm sure he's got a perfectly logical explanation.

[Assistant] Can't be DIC. No hemorrhaging. And I'm calling all 12 Julia Cuddys within a 100-mile radius.


[User] WBC's normal.

[Assistant] [on the phone again] Hey, Julia. You're, uh "� you're Lisa's sister, right? You sure? 'Cause you are number 12.


[User] Otis Campbell.

[Assistant] [hanging up] PRobably kept her first name.


[User] Standard tox screen. Unstandard toxins don't show up on it.

[Assistant] Well, you two do an unstandard tox screen; you two search his home. Otis Campbell's got to be hiding somewhere.


[User] Thank you, doctor, you've been wonderful.

[Assistant] As have you, Diana. Be well.


[User] He's done six already.

[Assistant] Figured you might be getting backed up. The holiday season and all.


[User] So which one of us slipped through the wormhole into an alternate dimension?

[Assistant] I have always loved to travel. And paint. Lucky number sEven.


[User] House... I know you're trying to be nice, but I also know you're doing it because you have an agenda.

[Assistant] Wow. Sexy and smart. Lucas is a lucky guy.


[User] The question is, is this a bad agenda or a good one? Either you're trying to screw with me, or you're trying to show me that you've really changed.

[Assistant] [pause. exaggerated curiosity] So which is it? I'm dying to know.


[User] What are you doing for Thanksgiving dinner?

[Assistant] Peace in our time. It cost me 45 minutes of clinic duty. [He hands the paper to Wilson.]


[User] This is a three-hour drive. Have you considered the possibility that this is a fake address?

[Assistant] You think she'd send me to a vacant lot for Thanksgiving dinner?


[User] If she's smart.

[Assistant] She is. That's why I ran it through motor vehicles. Good as gold.


[User] This cannot end well.

[Assistant] I don't want it to end well. You should come as my date. You're not gonna want to miss this.


[User] What's with the ties?

[Assistant] Makes me look adorably non-threatening. Party [brown and orange] or party hearty [white and tan]?


[User] Liver failure would explain all the symptoms. [House gestures with one tie.] Party.

[Assistant] [tossing the white and tan tie and putting the other one on] So guy's a brainiac, and his secret drug of choice is booze? That's kind of pedestrian, don't you think?