[User] Okay. [thinks] Maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.

[Assistant] Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic dysregulation. Nah. If you're brought in covered in rubble, it's all about the MRIs. We'd have seen that. [clapping his hands] C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.


[User] [pointing to the spray] Or stuff leaked in the holes, messing it up.

[Assistant] Lacerations leave multiple portals for infection. Bacteria would've responded to the antibiotics. 'S too high for viral. [as he writes] Parasites or fungus is possible.


[User] My grandma has lupus.

[Assistant] [writing] Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. Complete history would be helpful. Which leads to the worst part of the job. Dealing with the floor buffer's family.


[User] No farms, no travel anywhere weird.

[Assistant] You get that, Dr. Buffer? The file says she was sick before the building collapsed.


[User] I figured it was just a cold. Why, do you think it's related?

[Assistant] Her being sick and her being sick? Often is.


[User] [hesitates] We'd been fighting. I just wanna! Just tell me she's gonna be okay.

[Assistant] [as cruel as he can be] I'm not Even sure you're gonna be okay. Show-off. You know how the laughter of little Parkldren is infectious? Well, parasites and fungi are Even more so. We're gonna find out which one is making her brain bubble over. EPA's doing that job for us. They say it's clean. Which means we're making a pilgrimage to Castle Blackberry. No need. I'm sure we can find a large rock somewhere. [patting his pocket] I got some loose change here says you don't.


[User] Where's the restaurant?

[Assistant] What restaurant?


[User] The one you said you were taking me to for lunch.

[Assistant] Oh. [points to one House] Uhhh, this one's homier. Dibs on the cold pizza.


[User] I'm sure it looked easier on YouTube.

[Assistant] Oops.


[User] Yeah, you don't need a team. You can't Even get arrested without company.

[Assistant] You're right. Only one solution. NEver replace them. Ever.


[User] Do you need help?

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, patronize the poor cripple. [wincing] Ow.


[User] Lemme! get that.

[Assistant] I got it.


[User] Will you! let me! just let me get it.

[Assistant] I'll check the bedroom. [calling out, as if hard at work] Some interesting mold on the windowsill here! It's gonna take me a while.


[User] [resigned] I'll cover the bathroom.

[Assistant] She had a secret diary.


[User] Is there any other kind?

[Assistant] What're you doing?


[User] There's a sale on Liquid Tide.

[Assistant] If you're broke, I can lend you a tiny bit of the money I owe you.


[User] No, no, I wouldn't put you in that position. What does the diary say?

[Assistant] It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances.


[User] If it was, you'd be quoting, not summarizing.

[Assistant] [reading the diary] This is a parade of sad banalities. "I can hardly get out of bed. Feeling blue." Then, three months ago, turns into a parade of happy banalities. "Starting to turn the corner. Job's looking up."


[User] We can stop swabbing. Her clich�s are getting healthier.

[Assistant] Or she's less depressed. Aren't there pills that do that?


[User] Antidepressants don't cause fEver.

[Assistant] Not on their own. But the ER Didn't know she was on MAO Inhibitors, so they gave her demerol. 'S a nasty combo.


[User] So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a Patient took a swing at you. Can I watch?

[Assistant] I only have to convince the mother. [thinks] Actually! I don't have to convince anyone.


[User] He's a janitor?

[Assistant] More significantly, a blabbermouth.


[User] She wasn't depressed.

[Assistant] "I'm miserable around Ben." Not me. I like Ben. [pulling out the diary] February 12th. [tosses it to Ben] Either she's depressed, or she just thinks you're a jerk. Neither suggests that you should be the one directing her medical treatment.


[User] Does the diary say my daughter's taking these drugs?

[Assistant] No, but medically!


[User] [interjecting] Did you find drugs in their home?

[Assistant] She's pRobably hiding them in her purse. [stands] I thought it'd be rude to go searParkng under a thousand tons of rubble.


[User] This was months ago. We were in a fight. Doesn't mean she's depressed and it doesn't mean she doesn't love me.

[Assistant] Fine, maybe the diary proves nothing. On the other hand, half the country's on antidepressants. And it fits her symptoms perfectly. [to Mrs. Bradberry] No ring on your daughter's finger means you make the decisions.


[User] [stammers] I-I'm n-not sure! that I know her well enough anymore.

[Assistant] You really wanna risk her life on how well _he_ knows her? [into phone] Wilson, you idiot.


[User] [into phone] !and a large Coke. No ice.

[Assistant] Give it back.


[User] Your twelve-thousand-dollar 1967 Flying V? Or something?

[Assistant] Where'd you hide it?


[User] I am flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant.

[Assistant] Yeah, it takes a cr! It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want?


[User] [bright-eyed] Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what Every kidnapper wants. To see you interview five to sEven well-qualified fellowship candidates.

[Assistant] [stubborn] I don't need a team.


[User] You were bouncing ideas off a janitor.

[Assistant] [victorious] And solved the case!


[User] We shocked her back into sinus rhythm, but she's still tachycardic.

[Assistant] Fascinating. Equally fascinating is! why are you here?


[User] I was gonna leave you alone if you won the bet. [smiling] But you lost.

[Assistant] I explained the fEver. Which is all we were talking about. She confirmed the antidepressants. Go bet with someone else if you want to explain the heart pRoblems.


[User] She confirmed them by winking. Maybe there was a cute guy across the room.

[Assistant] She got better when I treated her. Even I'm not that cute.


[User] Two unrelated symptoms, just a coincidence. Or! you're grasping at straws to avoid admitting you can't do this on your own.

[Assistant] [putting the Polaroid on his desk] Fine, what explains the fEver and persistent tachycardia?


[User] It could be anything. Endocarditis.

[Assistant] Nope. FEver, no infection.


[User] [thinking] Um!

[Assistant] [hands her a marker] Keep going, you're doing great. You win.


[User] I don't beliEve you.

[Assistant] I'm not gonna play this game. Just give me the damn r�sum�s. And my guitar.


[User] Wow. This kidnapper isn't just bold, he's diabolical. I guess he realized he pRobably shouldn't give it back to you until after you've had the interviews.

[Assistant] Huh! You didn't write anything. So what you're saying is, you didn't find that one big explanation! 'cause there isn't one. ClEver.


[User] Well, let's just say, your antidepressant theory does explain the fEver. What about the heart? And don't say a building fell on her.

[Assistant] Okay! [clears his throat] A structure collapsed!


[User] Shut up.

[Assistant] Come on, it fits. Crushed musculature releases potassium, causes V-Tach.


[User] You'd think she'd get Crush Syndrome after she was crushed, not two days later.

[Assistant] Microvascular occlusions. Takes that long for the blood to reperfuse.


[User] Is Crush Syndrome good or bad?

[Assistant] Does it sound good?


[User] I mean, compared to the other things it could be.

[Assistant] There are no other things it could be.


[User] Then why are you testing her?

[Assistant] Excellent question.


[User] [apprehensively] What! what is it?

[Assistant] The heart's fine.


[User] Why would her fEver be back?

[Assistant] I can't say.


[User] You don't know?

[Assistant] I know, I just can't say. 'Cause you'll hit me. Let's discuss this in front of witnesses.


[User] So she's an alcoholic now?

[Assistant] Her first fEver was from the medication for her depression.


[User] Or you're wrong.

[Assistant] The second fEver was from the self-medication for depression.


[User] This is insane. [angrily] You don't think I would have noticed her being constantly drunk?

[Assistant] [shrugs] You were practically living with Sylvia Plath. You didn't notice that.


[User] [softly to him] Tone it down or I will hit you.

[Assistant] Fine, I'll do liver enzyme tests.


[User] [whispers to him] Liver enzymes can also be elevated from musculoskeletal trauma. They'd be there whether she had a drinking pRoblem or not.

[Assistant] [whispers in mock-frustration] They don't know that. Just pretend to confirm.


[User] [unrelenting] She's not an alcoholic.

[Assistant] Hair of the dog, IV alcohol. Taper it off after a few days.


[User] [from phone, upbeat] Hello?

[Assistant] [into phone] Hi, could I speak to Trevor! [checks the r�sum�] KaufMan?


[User] [from phone] Yo, yo, it's Trev. What up?

[Assistant] [into phone] This is Dr. Gregory House. Can you come in tomorrow to interview?


[User] [smiling] You got a page, but not from us.

[Assistant] [into phone] Did you Ever see "Raid on Entebbe"?


[User] [into phone] Yeah, in the end, they released the hostages. How's that working for you?

[Assistant] [into phone] The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.


[User] [into phone] Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.

[Assistant] [into phone] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need ten of them?


[User] [into phone, nervous] It's a Telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.

[Assistant] [into phone] Say adios.


[User] [into phone, panicked] Are you erasing my TiVo? [pleading] House, not the season finale!

[Assistant] [into phone, Bronson-like] I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.


[User] [into phone] Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? [threatening] They terrorize.

[Assistant] [into phone, challenging] Bring-it-on.


[User] No. I think she's screaming.

[Assistant] [cheerful] Morning!


[User] [reacts with a start] Uh-huh. Where did you come from?

[Assistant] Apes, if you beliEve the Democrats. I heard you were there when I was proven right. The alcohol treatment took away the heart and fEver pRoblems.


[User] Amylase and lipase are through the roof. She has pancreatitis.

[Assistant] IV alcohol can cause pancreatitis.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] You're not gonna argue with me?


[User] Nope.

[Assistant] You think I'm right?


[User] Nope.

[Assistant] Why not?


[User] Nope.

[Assistant] It's not really a "Yes or No" question.


[User] Which is why I'm not answering it.

[Assistant] If it's not the IV alcohol, it's gotta be the!


[User] [interjecting] Not interested.

[Assistant] If I'm wrong, she's gonna die. Are you sure you're still Dean of Medicine?


[User] Don't follow me.

[Assistant] [counting on his fingers] MAO Inhibitor caused the fEver. Alcohol caused the pancreatitis. Alcohol withdrawal caused the V-Tach [reading] "Your logic is irrefutable."


[User] You're wrong.

[Assistant] Well, who're you gonna beliEve? A classic toy or a Woman who, if she had any confidence in her ideas, wouldn't feel the need to distract you with a water bra?


[User] [ignoring the jibe] Are you really just gonna treat the pancreatitis?

[Assistant] Are you here to enable me?


[User] I don't want her to die because you're stubborn.

[Assistant] Wow, so you can enable and rationalize at the same time. I guess you are still Dean of Medicine.


[User] If you're right, then this guy, who's not an ass, who's not a workaholic, who's not a sociopath, has somehow missed both her depression and sEvere alcoholism.

[Assistant] Yes, imagine that, a couple with secrets.


[User] This guy means business. Or guys. Could be, could be multiple! Could be multiple guys. Or a gal. Who knows? All I can say is, this reeks of boldness.

[Assistant] [staring him down] I am not hiring a team.


[User] I thought this was gonna be fun. I mess with you, you mess with me. Eventually, you give in. But you've shown a startling lack of humor, which got me thinking.

[Assistant] [mumbling] Oh, God.


[User] What's the real reason you won't hire a team?

[Assistant] I told you, I don't need a team.


[User] Then hire three people and let 'em sit on their asses.

[Assistant] That wouldn't be right.


[User] Three years ago, you hired a team. What's changed?

[Assistant] I've become a Man of principle. I've gotten smarter. What answer will make Socrates shut up?


[User] [Dr. Phil-son] What's changed is, you hired a team. You connected with a team. You worked with a team. And you lost a team.

[Assistant] [looking at the monitor] Damn. There's no abnormalities in her pancreas.


[User] You fall in love, you get married. Fifty percent chance it'll end in misery. Hiring employees can be Even tougher. Because you know, Eventually, they're gonna leave.

[Assistant] There's increased T2 signal on her hepatic capsule. [looking at Wilson] If you know what I mean.


[User] You got hurt. Get over it.

[Assistant] Now, if you'll excuse me, my Patient is about to start bleeding out of her mouth and anus.


[User] Internal bleeding.

[Assistant] Not anymore. Now it's all over the place.


[User] Why are you here?

[Assistant] That's my Patient down there.


[User] You're here because I'm here. [confidently] I am done enabling you.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] [without a pause] The alcohol didn't cause the pancreatitis, the internal bleeding did. The question is, what caused the internal bleeding? I hate myself.

[Assistant] You do know that the Patient had a building land on her.


[User] Four days ago.

[Assistant] Bleeding can start at any time.


[User] It's bleeding from five different sites. You think they synchronized their watches?

[Assistant] She got warfarin after her hip surgery. It's designed to mess with bleeding patterns.


[User] FEver, heart and bleeding. Three pRoblems, three completely different explanations. She must be the unluckiest Woman in the world.

[Assistant] [dogged] I only cling to this crazy theory because it's been proven right Every step of the way. Each treatment worked.


[User] [deadpan] Yes, she looks perfectly healthy. This much bleeding is a symptom of something more. And you need a team because you're wrong and you're gonna kill this Woman.

[Assistant] If I had a team, this Patient would be dead. Because they'd be here instead of me and they wouldn't notice the size of this Woman's uterus. Hi! How's it going? Mind if I observe?


[User] [hardly bothered] Got a big room up top with a big window just for that.

[Assistant] Oh, stop that.


[User] You wanna look at vaginas, there are websites for that.

[Assistant] Am I made of money?


[User] [to Cuddy, in the Observation Deck] Can you get him out of here?

[Assistant] Enlarged uterus. Means that she was recently pregnant. She's a good liar, but I doubt she could hide a baby from her boyfriend. Scraping in the uterus indiCates that she had an abortion. But nothing in her medical history. Only one reason to hide an abortion. Boyfriend wants babies, she doesn't.


[User] [over intercom] Stop enabling him!

[Assistant] It's not the abortion, it's what she did after. The boyfriend would have noticed condoms. He would notice abstinence. He would not notice the pill. Which means, [to Cuddy] I don't need a team! Hey, where's your mother-in-common-law?


[User] [stands, introduces the other guy] Dr. House, this is Doug McMurtry. His girlfriend was working with Megan when! [trails off]

[Assistant] [to Doug] She's dead?


[User] [choked voice] She passed this morning.

[Assistant] Well, then why are you still here? I need the old lady's consent to do some treatment.


[User] What'd you find out?

[Assistant] I wish I could tell you, but since you're not legally related!


[User] What the hell did you did you find out?

[Assistant] Your girlfriend had an abortion. See why I didn't tell you? I'd be insane to also tell you that she's on the pill.


[User] N-No, she's not.

[Assistant] If they'd known she was on it, they wouldn't have given her a blood thinner after her hip surgery. The combination caused the bleeding. It's good news. It's treatable. Just give her tamoxifen. Which is normally a breast cancer!


[User] It's not true. 'Cause, uh, we wanna have kids.

[Assistant] Hmm, I already did the blood tests. Either she lied to you, or her blood lied to us.


[User] [sighs] Tell Megan I'm glad she's gonna be okay.

[Assistant] How ya doing?


[User] I got cancer.

[Assistant] [entering] You're on an oncology ward. Everybody's got cancer. You want sympathy, you wanna try the "hardly anything wrong with me" ward. [drops his cane] In fact, why don't I take you there right now? How sick are you? Can you walk?


[User] [with trepidation] Are you a doctor?

[Assistant] [reading the chart] Admitted today. First day of a five-day chemo course. Yeah, you can walk. C'mon, let's go.


[User] Does Dr. Wilson know you're here?

[Assistant] [smiling] Well, if he didn't, this would be really stupid. 'Cause then he wouldn't know where his Patient was. [chuckling] Might think he'd been kidnapped. Now the room upstairs is bigger. It's got cable. Better looking sponge-bath nurses.


[User] [intrigued] Oh.

[Assistant] If you feel sick, you call me directly, not Dr. Wilson. He's getting his last set of hormone shots.


[User] You put her on tamoxifen? An anti-cancer drug?

[Assistant] It blocks estrogen receptors.


[User] Does it also block breathing and kidney function? She's crashing.

[Assistant] Doesn't mean I was wrong.


[User] [into phone] This is Dr. Martin. We're bringing his Patient over now, thanks.

[Assistant] [shouting] Anybody here a doctor? [looks around, gets no answer] Kidney failure, spiking fEver, breathing difficulties. Any theories? Am I in an M. Night Shyamalan movie?


[User] You're House, right?

[Assistant] Okay, I assume you know me because I once insulted you, your Patient, or your relatives. If that's so, I apologize. I was drunk that day. [back to work] Patient initially presented with crush injuries.


[User] [interrupts] I know you because Dr. Cuddy issued a memo.

[Assistant] [hopeful] Telling you to cooperate fully with me?


[User] Nope.

[Assistant] Figured that was a long shot. [shouts to the room] Anybody here not get that memo?


[User] Fungal infection.

[Assistant] Don't you have a Patient?


[User] She shot herself in the leg while high on meth. Wouldn't hurt her to be in pain for a little while.

[Assistant] Fungal infection would be in her eyes by now.


[User] [guesses] Haemophilus.

[Assistant] Doesn't explain the remitting fEver. You've heard that I've got a job opening, right?


[User] I just care about people. [guesses] Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome.

[Assistant] ARDS doesn't explain anything. Except the breathing. If you care about people, you're not getting the job.


[User] I was lying. Crush Syndrome.

[Assistant] Doesn't explain the breathing. What was the pRoblem with ARDS?


[User] Only explained the breathing.

[Assistant] And the Crush Syndrome?


[User] It didn't explain the breathing.

[Assistant] You a fan of symmetry?


[User] Sure.

[Assistant] Weird. 'Cause your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes, I mean breasts. ARDS And Crush Syndrome, both reactions to sEvere trauma. Why can't she have both?


[User] Because! [somberly] because then there's nothing we could do.

[Assistant] Boy, you remind me of someone. Send me your r�sum�. I'll put it on top of the pile that I'm! nEver gonna look at.


[User] I couldn't leave.

[Assistant] You don't seem like the type of person who would give up on giving up.


[User] [expressionless] I love her.

[Assistant] You love somebody. Somebody who didn't drink, who wanted to have babies. And wasn't miserable.


[User] What are you doing? Why are you saying these things to him?

[Assistant] The Woman you love doesn't exist. This Woman is dying. She has Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome and Crush Syndrome. Her body's basically giving up. We can keep her on supportive dialysis and hope for the best. NEver mind. She has a lump on her arm.


[User] [hopeful] Does that mean you're wrong?

[Assistant] That would be good news for you guys. We'll know after the biopsy.


[User] You stole my Patient.

[Assistant] You kidnapped my guitar.


[User] Give him back.

[Assistant] Only when you give her back.


[User] It's a "she"?

[Assistant] [scoffs] Well, it's certainly not a dude.


[User] [shouting] It's a guitar! You took a huMan being!

[Assistant] Now who doesn't have a sense of humor? I'm monitoring the guy remotely.


[User] What are you, listening for the distant sound of screaming?

[Assistant] The nurses know to call me.


[User] They don't know who he is!

[Assistant] His name's right there on the chart. Now go away. I'm working.


[User] House!

[Assistant] [murmuring] Bad things would happen. [to Wilson, as he leaves] He's in room three-one-eight.


[User] [anxiously] What are you! what are you giving Megan?

[Assistant] Megan? Nothing.


[User] Nothing? What-what-what's going on? What's wrong with her?

[Assistant] Her? Nothing.


[User] Then why are you giving her drugs?

[Assistant] Just some amphetamines to wake her up. Everything could be explained by her lying to you. The antidepressants, the drinking, the pill. Until now. Now she's allergic to something the chart says she's not allergic to. That's not her lying, that's the chart lying. Which doesn't make sense. Do you know a Liz Masters?


[User] Yeah, she worked with Megan. That was her boyfriend who you met outside the morgue.

[Assistant] Hmm. [holds up the file he brought in] This is her chart. [reading the chart] She's on MAO Inhibitors for depression. She's on the pill. She had an abortion a month ago. And she's allergic to cephalosporin.


[User] [apprehensive] What's going on here? What, are you saying this isn't Megan?

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] [into phone] Since right before I began pretending I loved it.

[Assistant] She's the same size as Megan, same build, same hair color.


[User] [Camera zooms towards Megan. Camera zooms towards Liz.]

[Assistant] They were both horribly injured. Unrecognizably. EMT teams do not second guess family members' identifications at accident scenes.


[User] No. Liz died yesterday. This isn't Liz. I know Megan. I know her hair. I know her hands. I know her smell. Oh.

[Assistant] [to the Patient] What's your name?


[User] [anguished] Oh, God!

[Assistant] [to Ben, as he leaves] Your girlfriend nEver lied to you. I did it all by myself, mommy.


[User] You talking to me?

[Assistant] Go away. [chances it again] I did it all by myself, mommy.


[User] How'd you know it was me?

[Assistant] There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats.


[User] [entering] You were wrong.

[Assistant] I got Everything right. Just treated the wrong!


[User] [interrupts] They had a good relationship.

[Assistant] He couldn't Even identify her.


[User] And you were wrong about needing a team. She almost died.

[Assistant] So I almost need a team.


[User] You were content with your "people are idiots" theory. But Cameron would nEver have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life. And as soon as you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong. And then, Chase would have done anything to prove you right. Any one of them would have solved this days ago. Hire a team. I don't care how you do it. Just do it.

[Assistant] Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for observation. For reading people in situations. But sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal. And you will often be right. Look to your left. Now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. [beat, ominously] Wear a cup.


[User] I'm sorry. I'll go review the simulation, see if I can figure out what went wrong. [Leaves.]

[Assistant] Who is this Man? [Camera pans out to rEveal the 40 potential fellows staring at House and the screen; they each have a number around their neck, marathon runner style.] C'mon, take a shot. I'm not going to fire you Every time you get a wrong answer. You're fired. [23 is shocked but gets up and leaves without a word.] Does this Man look like he's ceding Czechoslovakia to a fascist dictatorship?


[User] House? [They share looks.]

[Assistant] I want sEven alternate diagnoses when I get back. [Goes to talk to Cuddy who is still standing in the doorway.]


[User] Did you forget how to count to three?

[Assistant] I've got a budget for three, doesn't mean I can only hire three.


[User] Actually that's exactly what it means.

[Assistant] I cut the perManent salaries by 10 percent, over 3 years that'll more than make up for the breakage on the 27 that I'm going to weed out over the next few weeks.


[User] There's forty people in there.

[Assistant] Row D, you're fired. [Everyone in Row D starts to leave, House turns back to Cuddy.] I didn't actually count all the resumes.


[User] This is stupid, you can't Manage that Many people, you're just going to keep weeding them out arbitrarily.

[Assistant] Sure. [as people start filing out between House and Cuddy] and having them sitting in my office schmoozing about their favourite Algerian surfing movies, that's a much better system. Wait a sec. [Stops number 19, a pretty brunette, from leaving.] Were you in Row D? My apologies, my boss says I'm being arbitrary and stupid. [Sticks his head back in the lecture theatre.] Row D is not fired, Row C is fired. See? That was not arbitrary. [House's pager goes off.] Well, I'd love to chat but I've been paged. [Picks up his pager and looks at it.] That's interesting, apparently paged myself. [Leaves.] If you have a resum� there I'm not interested, but I wouldn't mind hearing how you got my pager number.


[User] It's not a resum�. [Tips the contents of the envelope onto House's desk. Large stacks of cash fall out.] 50,000 dollars.

[Assistant] Does One-eyed Nicky want me to run that to Jimmy the Nose?


[User] It's for my medical bills. [Sits down.] I need you to find out what's wrong with me.

[Assistant] [Sits down.] Insurance is usually cheaper than that. Cash means there's something to hide.


[User] I'm a captain in the Air Force about to start a new assignment. NASA's astronaut training program.

[Assistant] I discovered salt and created FM radio.


[User] Something is wrong. With my eyes, my ears.

[Assistant] Well if it's fixable the Air Force will do it for free. If not, doesn't matter.


[User] There are 100 applicants ready to take my place who don't need to be fixed. I need to do this off the books. I did the research, you're the best, you break rules, and you don't care about anyone except yourself.

[Assistant] Well let's say that's true. You get a new job, the hospital gets a nice wad of cash, what do I get?


[User] I crashed a flight simulator, because I started to hear, with my eyes.

[Assistant] [Cuts him off:] Don't care. New Patient. [Turns off the projector and motions for number 6 to move it, which he quickly does.] 30 year old female, with synaesthesia. New rules. [Pulls up the projection screen to rEveal a blackboard that reads 'Tesla was Robbed!'] You generate a lab report "� You shred it. X-ray - You melt it. No notes, no records, nothing. As far as you're concerned the Patient is Osama Bin Laden and Everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions? It's a metaphor. Get used to it. Any more questions? You think her name might be connected to what's wrong with her? [Walks over to the side door, calls out like Ed McMahon.] Here's Osama! [Opens the door. Greta walks in, House gives her a chair and she sits down.] Now you all have numbers so we're going to do this, alphabetically. 8, 15 and 5. [House starts to pace around.]


[User] No.

[Assistant] What, you think I'd pull you off Buddy Ebsen just for a junkie?


[User] Can we trust your answers?

[Assistant] You have got to trust someone, right?


[User] No, not that I'm aware of.

[Assistant] Two down, Kitty Carlisle?


[User] You spend much time above 20,000 feet?

[Assistant] Why would you ask that? That's an unusual choice. The Patient is a frequent flyer. 13, 32, 39, get Osama an EEG, MRI and an angiogram. [Those three and Greta start to leave.] How Many of you think that Oswald acted alone?


[User] If by alone you mean that he was unaware that the CIA...

[Assistant] Oh shut up. Split yourselves into 2 groups, test her blood, test her stool. [6 and sEveral others leave.] Who likes the designated hitter? [Two female blonde identical twins "� 15A and 15B "� put their hand up.] You're wrong, you're lucky you're not fired. 2 more groups, LP and cultures. [Twins and others leave.] Who doesn't know what a designated hitter is? [26, 2 and 10 put up their hand. House starts to write on a piece of paper] Okay, here is her address, I want you to break in, find out what she's hiding. [The three of them start to leave, 26 takes the address on the way out, 2 stops next to House]


[User] Why don't we just ask the Patient for the key?

[Assistant] Well, if we could find out what she's hiding just by asking we'd have to redefine hiding. You want to live in this country, learn the language. [2 leaves.]


[User] So we spend a half an hour cleaning a car, big deal.

[Assistant] Got a pRoblem with the naked female form? That's not a dolphin, it's a porpoise. There is a difference you know. [Goes back to looking at the screen] Salary for one thing.


[User] Yeah well which one fits best with the damaged flue that your competitors found in the gas fireplace in Osama's cave.

[Assistant] Did you just see a blond guy with a pretentious accent? Good point. Can I have my car keys back? [24 looks shocked and a little scared.] Give me the car keys, put the Patient in a hyperbaric chAmber and no more prime numbers for you. [24 gives him the keys.] Thank you. [House walks back into his office.]


[User] Her heart's beating.

[Assistant] So what does cause synaesthesia, high red blood cell count and heart attack? And you didn't stop him. Means either you thought it was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite, or you thought he'd fail, making you a cut throat little pixie. What causes...


[User] No way, you Ever see Whipple's without abdominal pain?

[Assistant] Stop it! This argument is distracting Every male and lesbian here. You're both right, in the sense that you've convinced me that you're both wrong. How old are you? Okay, Scooter. Do a trans-esophageal echo, and since the positive divisors of 26 are 2 and 13 have them assist. The rest of you, go to the cafeteria and document 10 things that could cause infection. Each. [Everyone starts to leave. House takes a sip from his large soda.]


[User] I wouldn't. Someone named 17 thinks there could be Listeria in the cream cheese.

[Assistant] 17's a stupid number. [Takes a bite.] What's Chase doing here?


[User] You saw Chase?

[Assistant] Last night, outside my office.


[User] That's interesting.

[Assistant] It's more curious than actually...


[User] Chase took a job at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona. A week ago. Interesting... It wasn't Foreman or Cameron you saw, but Chase, the one you fired.

[Assistant] Not interesting. Someone who looked like someone I used to know walked by my office.


[User] It's always interesting when repressed guilt starts un-repressing itself.

[Assistant] The only thing I feel guilty for is this. [Throws what's left of the bread into Wilson's coffee.] Got that from structurally sound.


[User] What did she say?

[Assistant] I assume you're not all walking with me to tell me that you found nothing.


[User] It showed a short burst in the atrium... [A guy in the corridor swings a wheelchair around just in time to get right behind 2 and force her to fall into the chair. She quickly gets up and glares at the guy, who quickly leaves. Everyone stops walking.]

[Assistant] Okay, who's next?


[User] Showed a short burst of atrial flutter, I ran a rhythm strip twice and got the same results.

[Assistant] Stop. [Moves 13 out of the way with his cane and turns to look at the group.] Okay. Here's how we diagnose in transit. I lead, you draft, I move, you move, I stop, you stop. Got it? Wait a sec, why did you do the test? I gave it to Scooter. It doesn't. It matters that you let her. Okay. 10, 24, 39 run a TRH stimulation test for hyperthyroidism. [Walks off. The numbers follow.] Proving her first attack was caused by her thyroid. [Pushes the lift button with his cane.] Which is kind of the point, right? [Elevator dings. House walks in, the numbers start to follow.] Uh ah ah ah ah! [They step back.] I ride alone. [Pushes the button and the lift closes.]


[User] [Pulls off the leads and drags the monitor in front of her for protection.] Get away from me. [View starts going multicoloured again.] Get away from me. Don't touch me. [Runs out of the room, 10 and 39 Chase her.]

[Assistant] Paging me during Judge Judy, not the best way to win my affections. So you called me, the guy with one good leg and zero lEverage. [Rolls his eyes and starts to walk away.] Well luckily, violence is not the last resort. Extortion is. [Motions to 10.] So go ahead, extort her. ClEver. An appeal to her deep concern for hospital property. Let's see how that works. [Waits, nothing happens.]


[User] Go away! [10 gives up and walks away from the doors and towards the balcony.]

[Assistant] You seem to be getting to her. You think she wants to die?


[User] You don't know anything.

[Assistant] I do. [House looks across and sees a blonde Cameron leaving the clinic, in slow motion. Meanwhile Greta bursts out of the Chapel. 10 and 39 catch her and she struggles to break free.]


[User] No!

[Assistant] Anybody think that a sedative might... Okay. [24 stabs Greta in the arm and she collapses with 39 and 10 holding her up. Just then Cuddy walks up.]


[User] You're a virus, House, now instead of one liability I've got 20.

[Assistant] Apparently only 19. Which number was it?


[User] From now on Everything you do gets charted. With pen, on paper, in a binder that says "Princeton Plainsboro TeaParkng Hospital" on the cover.

[Assistant] Mom!


[User] If you want to run something through the labs, I get a copy. If you do scans, I get a copy. If you THINK about doing scans, I get a copy.

[Assistant] You know my current thoughts, right? I don't have to put those on paper. [Leaves.] Three issues. One. Number 10, you're fired. Well, it had to be someone who went to her home. Number 26 is half asleep, missed his afternoon nap. Obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa, she can't jeopardise... And that Parkck's [points to 24] been pointing at you since I walked in. [10 leaves.] Issue two. What causes synaesthesia, high RBC, tachy-arrhythmia, and panic attacks? [Rubs off the blackboard.] I also said I wanted answers. Which brings us to issue three. To you, I'm saying you're fired. To Everyone else, I'm... I hate tattle tales. Now you tattled twice. Issue three. [Notices 6 still sitting there in shock.] C'mon, let's go. [6 leaves.] Issue three, how do we do tests when we can't do tests? If we chart, then we won't get consent. So we can't. Her dreams depend on her not consenting. So, how do we do tests when we can't do tests? [No-one answers.] You've got an hour. [Leaves.] How do you scan a liver without scanning a liver? And what's Cameron doing here?


[User] Interesting. So you're seeing Cameron now?

[Assistant] No. Not interesting because not seeing. Saw. My Patient won't consent to MRIs or ultrasounds, and you've dealt with more liver cancer than anyone else here.


[User] So you want me to share the secret scanning techniques I learned in Nepal? Unfortunately, the monks made me swear a blood oath. Where was she?

[Assistant] In the lobby. I guess we could palpate the area around the liver.


[User] Which won't work unless the tumour's enormous, which you KNOW, which means you're here because these visions are freaking you out.

[Assistant] She had blonde hair, why would I hallucinate that?


[User] Yes. Yes, why are you merging Cameron and Chase? We should find out before the next time you see her when she'll be black.

[Assistant] Mm-hmm, because, of course it's scientifically impossible for a person to go back and visit somewhere they worked.


[User] No. But since she's not a dead cat, it is scientifically impossible for her to be in two places at once.

[Assistant] Physics joke. Don't hear enough of those.


[User] She just called me from Arizona. [Dials a number and turns the phone around so House can see the number.] Notice the area code "� 480. They put an offer on a place in Scottsdale. [The phone is ringing.] Do you want to talk or should I? I guess we could both talk. Although they're engaged and if you're staying in touch, you might want to buy them... [House hangs up the phone with his cane.] Maybe it's not repressed guilt, Maybe it's just panic. Right now you've got enough fellows to build a rail road. But you're going to have to narrow that room full of numbers down to three people.

[Assistant] Any chance you could turn this creative brilliance towards my Patient's liver? [House pops a pill.]


[User] I think you're going to choose people for reasons that have nothing to do with their skills. I think you're going to choose people just because you can't stand them. Because if you like them, well, that's just, stressful.

[Assistant] Stress... I like it. [Leaves.] We need to stress the Patient's liver.


[User] You mean make her sick?

[Assistant] I mean make her sick in a specific way. If her liver's given to malfunctioning, we make it malfunction.


[User] Are we on the other side of wrong here? Don't we have an ethics board that we should consult or... [House notices 6 sitting behind 15B, only now he has turned his number upside down so it's a 9.]

[Assistant] I fired you. I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired. [6/9 starts to leave.] So how do we stress her liver?


[User] Lying and paperwork I get, shutting down organs I think...

[Assistant] Nice. But Vitamin D's metabolised by the liver and kidneys. It wouldn't tell us which one's screwed up. I like you, number 9. [6/9 smiles, 24 is shocked.] You a Mormon? You're wearing a ring from Brigham Young. Or did your folks just do the lawns? Don't care. Actually I'm thanking God. You're the only non-drinker we've got. We need a control group to establish whether the liver's deterioration is within normal range. Got a big drinker, medium drinker, now I got a no-drinker. [Stops what he is doing, half smiles and leans back.] You really think the guy who created heaven and earth cares what you put in your digestive tract? Why not? Her dream might come true. [18 starts to leave.] All life is sacred, right? Well that fake test, might really save her life. Would you pull an ass out of a pit on the Sabbath? [Gets up and walks over to him.] Would you or would you not pull an ass out of a pit on the Sabbath? Good. [Goes back to his seat. 18 leaves.]


[User] Why'd you have to pick tequila? I assume a single malt would have worked just as well.

[Assistant] Okay. [Pushes a stop watch.] Two minutes and we go round number 5. [Pours 4 more shots.] So tell me about the magic underwear. I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams. I know what I beliEve. I'm just not quite sure what you beliEve. But your judgment was to say no. You used my judgment. Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there would be no religious people. Only on Christmas and Easter. The rest of the time, it doesn't really matter. It's not about fun! It's about the truth.


[User] I checked the tests you ordered.

[Assistant] Did you just see Foreman?


[User] You measured the density of her teeth.

[Assistant] [Still trying to look past Cuddy.] It's a shortcut test for hypercalcaemia. You had to have just passed him.


[User] So you suspected hypercalcaemia from her complete lack of broken bones. Is that why you also ran three tox screens?

[Assistant] [Still distracted.] Patient might've been sneaking uppers. He was in a white coat, did you hire him back?


[User] Foreman is running the diagnostic department at New York Mercy. [House looks surprised and confused, Cuddy leans in and sniffs.] Have you been drinking?

[Assistant] So you put her on a treadmill. Whose idea was that? It nEver is. So how old were you when your brother left home? Why aren't you answering? Did your mother initiate the divorce? [Takes the stethoscope off 13] Are you a Wiccan? [Sits down in front of Greta.] Okay, hold still. [While using the stethoscope to listen to her lungs he starts gently tapping her chest.] Auscultatory percussion. If you have a good ear, you can... [Listens.] [To 13.] You didn't have a lot of friends because you chose... [Listens again.] You can detect not only structural details, but small, deep masses. [Flicks Greta's chest a few times then takes off the stethoscope.] Game's over. You either have lung cancer or tuberous sclerosis. We need to cut you open and biopsy... [Greta starts shaking her head.]


[User] [Still struggling to breathe.] That'll... Leave a scar... NASA doctors will see, they'll, they'll know.

[Assistant] I nEver opened for Springsteen or slept with Barbara Feldon. You can live for years without dreams. Without lungs...


[User] Find a way.

[Assistant] Okay. As long you keep saying it strongly, you won't die. [Goes to get up, Greta stops him.]


[User] Find... A way.

[Assistant] How do we force a Patient into surgery? Texas bag scam? Saratoga wire? Paris exposition trip? [Smiles.] It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude, she'll be fine. Just think of it as one giant rack for Mankind.


[User] You bumped a splenectomy for a boob job?

[Assistant] Would you condemn this Woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?


[User] You don't explain this, I'll cancel the surgery.

[Assistant] Can I explain why you're here?


[User] Think I just told you why I...

[Assistant] I scheduled a diagnostic Patient for a boob job, which is ridiculous. So obviously you had to confront me.


[User] With you so far.

[Assistant] But I'm going to give you a reason.


[User] Not a good one.

[Assistant] No. Not Even close to a good one. But here's the drag from your point of view. My explanation will make sense. Not to the board, not to a Judge, but to you. So you'll let me do it. Then you're going to have to sit next to me at the administrative hearing. Don't you have better things to do? [Cuddy thinks for a minute then starts to leave but hesitates and turns back.] It's in the best interests of the Patient. [Cuddy leaves.] [Sticks something into Greta.] Deflate the lung. PRobably the same if not more on the left lung. Okay, so what's been working overtime to kill Miss Bin Laden? Yeah, but I forgot it. Say the magic word and get immunity from the next challenge. She would've had multiple seizures by now. Wouldn't explain the red blood cells. C'mon. Cysts, synaesthesia, heart attack. You guys have gotten...


[User] Von Hippel-Lindau syndrome. [House looks for where that voice came from and sees Chase in the observation room.] Raises red blood cell count, causes masses on the organs. One of the masses is a pheochromocytoma. It'd cause neurologic episodes and a heart attack.

[Assistant] [Leans over to 39 and says quietly.] Do you see a blond guy who still has peach fuzz standing up there? [39 nods.] [To Chase.] This is a closed procedure, gallery's off limits.


[User] Not to the surgical staff.

[Assistant] Not a chance. I love you guys. Dig out the cysts, histology to confirm Von Hippel-Lindau. Don't forget her chesticles. [Looks back up but Chase has gone.] Calling Arizona, that was a very nice touch.


[User] You do have residual...

[Assistant] Not only do I not have residual feelings, I didn't Even have primary feelings.


[User] You freaked...

[Assistant] You lied!


[User] Because you knew it meant...

[Assistant] It meant nothing! I saw him because he was there. [Wilson gives up.] Did Cameron follow her beshert to the surgery department?


[User] I think Chase followed her. She's been a senior attending in the E.R. the last three weeks. A blonde senior attending, to be accurate.

[Assistant] Foreman. Is he back in neurology?


[User] He's at New York Mercy, he's been there a month. [House looks surprised.] Did you SEE Foreman?

[Assistant] No. [Leaves.]


[User] I'll go to radiology clinics. I'll get regular screenings.

[Assistant] Relax. She doesn't have to tell and neither do you. Turns out that NASA doctors Even know where the hyphen in Von Hippel-Lindau goes.


[User] You called them?

[Assistant] I'm not an idiot. Those shuttles fly over New Jersey. [House leaves, Greta starts to cry.] So here we are. The big moment. Which of you gets to live to be abused another day. And which of you goes home and rationalises being fired as character building? [Pops a pill.] Following numbers, thanks for playing. 21, 19, 8, 34, 17, 29, 5, 36, 2... Rest of you, 8:00 A.M. Sharp. I'll be in sometime between 10:00 and 3:00. [Everyone starts to leave.] But 26, stick around awhile. [2 walks over to House.] Lots of people did nothing wrong. Other people took chances. 26. [Waves him over. 2 leaves.] Yeah, I know. How old are you? You don't think it's relevant? How about the fact that you nEver went to medical school? Which is why you let the unlucky number do the trans echo. At least you're ethically unethical. You had to know I'd find out sooner or later. I can't hire you as a doctor. But you can still tell me what you think. You can also fetch me coffee, pick up my dry-cleaning, until I can decide whether or not to keep you. Assistant sounds marginally less demeaning. Actually it is. It's just not your dream title. [House leaves.]


[User] [Holds up 3 fingers.] Three weeks. For someone who nEver misses something small, you missed something big.

[Assistant] You're an idiot.


[User] The hair, where I'm working, or both?

[Assistant] The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it. Pulling pieces of windshield out of car accident victims and reattaParkng fingertips sliced off cutting bagels. At least Chase's move is only one step down.


[User] I can do good here. Get it out of my system. Why'd you rat your Patient out to NASA?

[Assistant] I don't know who's been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but I hope they've already been fired. Which number was it?


[User] Greta.

[Assistant] Number!


[User] No number. The Patient. How do you think she got your pager number? She came into the E.R. didn't want to talk...

[Assistant] I didn't rat her out.


[User] You--lied?

[Assistant] Suppose I should tell her that before she keys my car.


[User] Why lie?

[Assistant] Had to stop some leaky faucets.


[User] What did it matter?

[Assistant] It was no one's business.


[User] Right.

[Assistant] She's going to be the safest astronaut up there. Certainly more vigilant than the guy next to her who's got no clue about the aneurysm in his head ready to pop.


[User] Right. [Smiles and starts to walk away.]

[Assistant] You got a better reason?


[User] Nobody follow her. She Pied-Piper'ed nine people right out of a job last week.

[Assistant] Would you mind holding my metaphor for a second? New Patient. Thirty-sEven-year-old male, suffers from sEvere ascending muscle weakness.


[User] (challengingly) Why are you late?

[Assistant] To see who'd put up with it.


[User] So, you mean if we'd left, we'd have been fired?

[Assistant] No, I was going to fire Everyone who stuck around. But since Everyone stuck around.... Twenty-eight percent curvature of the spine has caused reduced lung capacity, and he has reduced bone mineral density.


[User] Patient has Spinal Muscular Atrophy. It's genetic. Incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery.

[Assistant] You have just given state secrets to the enemy.


[User] (curiously suspicious) What enemy?

[Assistant] (brisk) New Patient. New rules. Today you're going to split yourselves into two teams. The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive the Patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. (beat) Take off your numbers. You look stupid. And I think I know who you are by now.


[User] Wait. How do you want us to split up?

[Assistant] Good question, Overly Excited Former Foster Kid. There's ten of you. I was thinking... six against six? No, wait...


[User] How about Women versus Men?

[Assistant] Excellent suggestion, Fat Twin. More interesting than Evens versus Odds, less interesting than Shirts against Skins. (announcing) If your sex organs dangle, you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the Yanks.


[User] I'd like to be on the men's team.

[Assistant] Do your sex organs dangle, (beat) Cutthroat Bitch?


[User] If you're going to purge an entire gender, it isn't going to be the danglers.

[Assistant] Sounds logical. (beat) If you don't think about it for more than three seconds. But I just told you that if the danglers lose, they're out. So, I can only assume you're hiding the real reason. You don't think the women will be aggressive enough, will be good enough at science. They'll be too emotional.


[User] (imPatient) Can I switch teams?

[Assistant] (shrugging) If the danglers are okay, I'm okay.


[User] Not talking about the Patient. Talking about House. He's insane, but he's not irresponsible. He wouldn't be playing this game if he didn't already know the answer.

[Assistant] 'S CONFERENCE ROOM


[User] (earnestly, seriously) Because House is turning Patient care into a game. It's dangerous. The Patient's going to suffer - maybe die.

[Assistant] Wow! You really need a shave. You see what I did there. Whoa. Interesting. Need a crash cart in here! (holding up his hands) I didn't do it.


[User] Why are you here?

[Assistant] My offices are being used by my teams.


[User] Teams?

[Assistant] Which means this is the only place where you can yell at me.


[User] You have team-s?

[Assistant] Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen all that closely.


[User] You can't make a competition out of Patient care.

[Assistant] (reasonably) Without competition, we'd still be single-celled organisms. (beat) Can I go now?


[User] (holds up a finger) Not until after the yelling. (points the finger at House) What's wrong with him?

[Assistant] I have sEven of the finest minds on it, along with three very special...


[User] You wouldn't be doing this unless you already knew.

[Assistant] Ah. I tell you; you tell them; game's over.


[User] If you know, you are OBLIGATED to treat...

[Assistant] Well, then, in that case... I don't know. Why would a guy voluntarily shove a metal object into an electrical socket?


[User] (leaning closer) I'm getting closer and closer to knowing the answer.(beat) What would happen if I shut down this game?

[Assistant] I'd fire them all, hire forty new fellowship applicants, start the game all over again.


[User] You DO know what's wrong with him, right?

[Assistant] It'd be pretty irresponsible if I didn't, wouldn't it?


[User] Hey, guys! Great job.

[Assistant] (musing) If you're going to try to take yourself out, (closes the knife) why choose electricity? You'd eat a bullet (flick) or jump off a building...


[User] (obviously uncomfortable) I love the 'team' thing, by the way.

[Assistant] (refusing to be distracted) ...bury yourself alive in Cuddy's cleavage.


[User] Teamwork. Collaboration. All for the greater good....

[Assistant] It could have been a suicidal gesture, as opposed to an actual attempt.


[User] Interestingly, the rain in Spain doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much.

[Assistant] Who puts their internal organs on a skillet just to get attention?


[User] (frustrated) Go ask him.

[Assistant] (to the empty air) Well, that would be cheating.


[User] He's choking.

[Assistant] Patchy infiltrates on the x-ray. Patient improved with chest PT and oxygen, consistent with aspiration. So now we have another symptom to explain - why does his throat think his lungs are his stomach? And why are your throats closing up?


[User] Shouldn't we be in separate rooms?

[Assistant] If you think I'm going to run two differentials at this time of the morning.... Grumpy, you're first.


[User] I'm not grumpy.

[Assistant] Why would I call you that if you weren't?


[User] It's an unusual combination. Unusual equals exotic, equals foreign. Has to be connected to his trip to Thailand.

[Assistant] You practice medicine overseas?


[User] I was with Doctors without Borders for eight years.

[Assistant] (expansively) Ta-da!


[User] It's in my file.

[Assistant] David Blaine hides the six of hearts in a beer bottle, it's still impressive. (challenging) You like exotic. Why are you here?


[User] I want this job.

[Assistant] Parents sick?


[User] No. I... I just...

[Assistant] (interrupts) This is not the job you want. This is the job in the ZIP code you want. You engaged?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] (expansively, but softer) Ta-da!


[User] Am I not allowed to grow up and change my priorities?

[Assistant] You're allowed to. People usually don't.


[User] This is not a new symptom. Our Patient has Spinal Muscular Atrophy. He has documented trouble swallowing. The choking is not new.

[Assistant] So if it's nothing new, what caused the old?


[User] Strongyloides worms explain the fainting. We already treated...

[Assistant] (abruptly) So, he's all better, Woman Who... (shrugs) Thirteen.


[User] Hasn't gotten any worse.

[Assistant] (searParkng) That's a pretty passive approach for the daughter of an alcoholic.


[User] We could stress his system. Put him on a tilt table. If he stays conscious, it means we made the right diagnosis and we win.

[Assistant] Then why haven't you? Six against four. One of the men is going to have to join the women's team. On the other hand, one of the men isn't an actual doctor, so... I guess it's pretty fair. Men, you're in the penalty box.


[User] Who's not the doctor?

[Assistant] I'm glad you asked about that. Reason I'm penalizing you is time Management. In Diagnostics, you're always working against the clock. The women came up with a theory and they treated the Patient. You guys just sat around in a lab, hoping a series of blind tests would GIVE you a theory. You wasted the Patient's time. (takes another sip of coffee) Now I'm going to waste yours.


[User] Yeah, that was very helpful. (grumbles as he writes) Need a team to tell me we're mortals. (turns back to his team) Look, I'm sorry. You're right. Doesn't hurt to be reminded that we're dealing with the real stakes here. (looks at the board) Liver failure's a bad thing, but it's also a clue. (gently questioning) What does it tell us?

[Assistant] Can't let you leave if they think you're still... suicidal. (quietly sarcastic) No, that's right. You were just trying to kill the wall. (pause) I check this box, and your next roommates are gonna be Jesus and Crazy McLoonyBin. That guy nEver had a chance. Suddenly you're shy? (moves to Almore's side) You pooped your pants in front of me. (beat) It's one of the nasty side effects of dying. (taking a deep breath) Okay. Here's what happened. Your oxygen-deprived brain was shutting down. A flood of endorphins and serotonin was released. That's what gave you the visions. (flip) Nope.


[User] The tilt table test showed that the Patient's EKG, BP, and pulse were made normal, despite considerable...

[Assistant] Who are you, Thirteen?


[User] My name's in the file.

[Assistant] The fact that you won't answer my questions tells me more about you than answers could.


[User] No, it doesn't. We turned the thing up to 95 degrees...

[Assistant] Do you think that non-answers tell me anything?


[User] Sure. Just not as much as actual answers. That's why they are called answers.

[Assistant] Tell me you're hiding something.


[User] Tells you I'm hiding Everything.

[Assistant] Tells me you've got something worth hiding. Some Turkish prison, gay porn... ya killed a Man just because he was asking too Many questions.


[User] Can I finish reporting on the Patient?

[Assistant] No need. See you in an hour or so. Got to... set some stuff up. Thank you all for coming... to Tribal Council. (to Cole) Man of your integrity, I feel I can trust... Big Love. And I don't call you that because you are a Mormon. (winks broadly as Cole grimaces) So, where's your team's sixth Man?


[User] She went rogue. Broke the rules.

[Assistant] You also sinned. You have no right to cast the first stone.


[User] And atheists have no right to quote Scripture.

[Assistant] The rules said 'no talking'.


[User] I told her not to talk.

[Assistant] Out loud.


[User] We were trying to save a Man's life.

[Assistant] Key word being 'trying'. Tilt table test confirmed that you guys were wrong. You're fired. Ah, the Prodigal Son returneth. You're also fired.


[User] After you were already proven wrong?

[Assistant] Good for you. It's too bad you're wrong. Straightening indiCates weakening, not hardening. SMA explains the weakening. (takes back his stick, give Amber back the film) Strongyloides infection explains Everything else. (indiCates the rest of the women) You ladies have the honor to give the Patient a feeding tube, discharge him, and show up for work tomorrow. The rest of you... you're a disappointment. You make me want to stop dangling.


[User] It was the best two weeks of my life.

[Assistant] I think I will miss you most of all, Ridiculously Old Fraud.


[User] (triumphant) It means I'm not fired.

[Assistant] Is he a Vulcan? If no, what makes Nimoy bleed green?


[User] How do we know she didn't fake the green blood?

[Assistant] Because that would be stupid. And while she may be Manipulative, borderline evil, shallow...


[User] His kidneys aren't working. They didn't filter the contrast, which in ICM, is green.

[Assistant] Ten points. (puts his cane on the desk and goes to the board) 'k... let's add kidney failure to our list of symptoms.


[User] What are these points? Is that how you're deciding who to fire?

[Assistant] (irritated, turns to Kutner) I'm going to fire the next person who asks me who I'm going to fire.


[User] Now we're on the points system? What happened to Men against Women?

[Assistant] Forget the game.


[User] What do you mean forget the game?

[Assistant] (losing patience) I mean, forget the damn game! Guy's kidneys are failing. We need to diagnose exactly...


[User] I thought we were diagnosing.

[Assistant] YOU were diagnosing. Now I am too. (beat) I thought that Thirteen was right about the Strongyloides. (picks up his cane) I was obviously wrong. (the moment of self-recrimination over, House continues in his 'differential' voice) Okay, kidney failure, aspiration, fainting... go!


[User] Infection stresses his already weakened system, makes his SMA worse, that explains the choking and fainting.

[Assistant] Put him on IV Ampigen.


[User] Our team's scleroderma diagnosis still holds. The test could have been negative because the blood was contaminated with contrast.

[Assistant] Do a skin biopsy. Get a side of lymph node to confirm. I could have you fired!


[User] (confused) You've already had me fired.

[Assistant] Which proves that I can.


[User] (turns to face House) Were the men wrong?

[Assistant] No. That doesn't change the fact...


[User] Why are you yelling at me?

[Assistant] Because performing tests for someone who is not a doctor in this hospital...


[User] Patient dEveloped pneumonia. His lungs are filling fast. We started him on antibiotics. Nothing. We were wrong.

[Assistant] (to Brennan) And you're here to say?


[User] We were wrong too. He doesn't have scleroderma. Biopsy rEvealed no fibrotic changes.

[Assistant] Cervical lymph node has black flecks.


[User] Small areas of necrosis. It's nothing.

[Assistant] You say nothing? I say cancer.


[User] You want to remove his EYE?

[Assistant] (suspiciously) Who told you?


[User] You booked the OR.

[Assistant] (nods) Good.


[User] You can't beat me in a foot race.

[Assistant] Thought we were dancing. Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. A very small one. Just one truck comes in and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled. The home...


[User] The home is the right eye. I get it. Do a biopsy.

[Assistant] On my way.


[User] You're not DOING a biopsy. You ordered an orbital exenteration.

[Assistant] Right. Because I don't want to remove a little tiny piece, sit in a lab, and confirm what I already know, while my Patient drowns in his own fluid. (beat) But if you want me to, I absolutely will.


[User] How advanced is the pneumonia?

[Assistant] It's taking college courses. (yelling) Hey, Wilson! I'm going to cut some cripple's eye out! Want to come watch?


[User] Good times.

[Assistant] We good to go?


[User] Cancer. Why not? What else can God throw at me?

[Assistant] Hail. Locusts. Smiting of the firstborn. Course, it all depends on how evil you've been.


[User] (to House) Any of your other doctors have any cheerier diagnoses?

[Assistant] If they do, they're wrong. This is the answer. It's the only way to help you.


[User] I'd rather just get this over with. I've been trapped... in this useless body long enough. It'd be nice to finally get out.

[Assistant] Get out and go where? You think you're gonna sprout wings and start flying around with the other angels? Don't be an idiot. There is no 'after', there's just 'this'.


[User] (exasperated and angry) You can't let a dying Man take solace in his beliefs.

[Assistant] His beliefs are stupid.


[User] Everybody lies. Some for good reasons, some for bad. This would have been a fantastic reason to lie!

[Assistant] (holds out his hand, exasperated) Hi! Greg House.


[User] Why can't you just let him have his fairy tale? If it give him comfort to imagine (stops and turns to House) beaches and loved ones and life outside a wheelchair....

[Assistant] (sarcastically) Are there 72 virgins too?


[User] It's over. He's got days, maybe hours left. What pain does it cause you if he spends that time with a peaceful smile? What sick pleasure do you get in making damn sure he's filled with fear and dread?

[Assistant] He shouldn't be making a decision based on a lie. Misery is better than nothing.


[User] You don't KNOW there's nothing. You haven't been there.

[Assistant] Oh, God, I am TIRED of that argument! I don't have to go to Detroit to know that it smells.


[User] Clear fluid from the lungs indiCates that it's pRobably not cancer, so it would be nice if we could come up with a new idea.

[Assistant] 'S ROOM


[User] You're an idiot. You nearly killed yourself.

[Assistant] That was the whole idea.


[User] You WANTED to kill yourself?

[Assistant] I wanted to NEARLY kill myself. Is he... better?


[User] No. But he doesn't have cancer. We think it might be eosinophilic pneumonia. (refusing to be distracted from his rant) Maybe you didn't want to die, but you didn't care if you lived.

[Assistant] You insisted that I needed to see for myself. (also refusing to be distracted from his original thought) What, was he discharged?


[User] No. He's dying. You've already had two near-death experiences.

[Assistant] Not that guy. The guy in the car accident. With the knife. I... I need to talk to him.


[User] He... died almost an hour ago. Apparently, it's bad to electrocute yourself within days of suffering massive internal injuries. Why did you need to talk to him? Did you... see... something?

[Assistant] Eosinophilic pneumonia...


[User] House? What did you see?

[Assistant] Nothing. Who's idea was that?


[User] Brennan. Nothing-you-don't-want-to-talk-about-it or nothing...

[Assistant] Which one's Brennan? Is he the ridiculously old guy?


[User] House, you gotta talk about this.

[Assistant] If it's aggressive enough, it might have gotten past the steroids. Start him on cyclophosphamide.


[User] I already did. (frustrated) Just looking at you hurts. (takes his chart and scribbles) I'm going to order up some extra pain meds.

[Assistant] I love you.


[User] Time of death...

[Assistant] 'S ROOM


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Going to see our Patient.


[User] He's dead.

[Assistant] Dead is not a diagnosis.


[User] You really shouldn't be...

[Assistant] Shut up. And give me my cane.


[User] I assume we're all fired.

[Assistant] Should I fire myself, too? I thought it was Strongyloides, then I thought it was cancer. Little help here.


[User] Why'd you call me?

[Assistant] Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I'd nEver hear the end of it.


[User] But why not one of the others?

[Assistant] You always had that phone in your hand.


[User] We all have cell phones. That's not the reason. What is?

[Assistant] If I died, you'd nEver get the job. I knew you wouldn't let that happen.


[User] You don't think anybody else has any reason to care?

[Assistant] Think this is starting to come back to me. Right, left, then repeat. Yeah, that works. What did we miss?


[User] If we knew, he wouldn't be dead.

[Assistant] So, that's it? You're just gonna give up?


[User] Patient presented with syncope. We thought it was threadworms, gave him ivermectin.

[Assistant] Thank you. Patient seemed... better, 'til his blood turned green.


[User] (tightly) Can we at least remove the body before launParkng into a purely academic exercise?

[Assistant] The Patient didn't respond to antibiotics or steroids.


[User] You okay, boy?

[Assistant] What's wrong with the dog?


[User] He's dead. There are only a handful of viruses that can cross between dogs and huMans, but they may not be connected at all. The dog was old. I've seen it before. They hang on way past their normal life expectancy to take care of their Masters.

[Assistant] (to Thirteen) Did you watch him take the pills? (she looks at him blankly) The ivermectin. Did you watch the Patient put them in his mouth and swallow them?


[User] I don't know. I think so.

[Assistant] What kind of dog is that?


[User] English Shepherd.

[Assistant] It's in the Collie family, right?


[User] Not really.

[Assistant] They share the MDR-1 gene.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] What happens when you give a dog with the MDR-1 gene ivermectin?


[User] They don't. I mean, it's used to treat heartworms in most dogs, but it'd be fatal if the...

[Assistant] Look familiar? I think the last time you saw it, it didn't have that dead dog's teethmarks on it.


[User] I just put it on the bed tray to get him some water.

[Assistant] (harshly) When I asked you if you watched the Patient swallow the pills, the right answer was 'no'. (stares implacably into her eyes) Take his body down to the morgue.


[User] If you hadn't treated this Patient as a game, he wouldn't be dead.

[Assistant] Feeling much better, thank you.


[User] I'm supposed to show you sympathy? He died... while his attending was lying on a hospital bed because he stuck a knife in a wall socket.

[Assistant] He died because a doctor made a mistake. He was an idiot.


[User] (quietly) As soon as the pathologist cut into the lungs, we saw the threadworms.

[Assistant] You think it's fair that I fired all the other members of your team when you guys actually came up with the right diagnosis?


[User] I keep replaying it in my mind. Did I drop the pills when I put them on the bed tray? Did I knock them over when I turned to leave?

[Assistant] You know he'd be alive. His dog'd be alive.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] You forced us to act on a false assumption.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] Everything we built from that step on. Every test. Every theory. Every treatment.


[User] (hotly, finally meeting his eyes) I know! Forget the lecture and fire me already!

[Assistant] If I was going to fire you, I wouldn't be giving you the lecture. I know you're not going to let anything like this Ever happen again. (pause) I'll see you tomorrow. And I'm sorry to say... I told you so.


[User] [whispering to the rest] It's House.

[Assistant] [from phone] Gooood morning, Angels. [from phone] As you will see from the file, we have quite the interesting case. Not often do you get a Patient who sees dead people.


[User] Uhh, what file?

[Assistant] What the hell? I gave it to Bosley a half hour ago.


[User] It was not a half hour. It was ten minutes. And he made copies of the ER records first.

[Assistant] Less lip, more whip. I only agreed to take this case because you said that this Mocha Frappalicious would have whip on it.


[User] Fine. I'll refer the case to Foreman.

[Assistant] [shakes his head] Can't. Mercy fired him. Gimme.


[User] He got fired?

[Assistant] Disobeyed a superior Officer under fire. He's lucky he wasn't executed.


[User] How do you know about it? You keeping tabs on him?

[Assistant] Girls talk. When Bosley drags his ancient ass in there...


[User] You mean it appeared normal to the doc in the ER.

[Assistant] Way to get right back on that horse, "Thirteen". [from phone] Nice try, Cutthroat Bitch. That was the worst "Thirteen" imitation I've Ever heard.


[User] [interrupts] You said one of us wasn't a doctor, and you called him a fraud.

[Assistant] [from phone] He's not a doctor. Continue, Boz.


[User] [interrupts again] Why isn't he fired?

[Assistant] [raspy voice] Oh, you're breaking up. I'm going into a tunnel. Dark religious nut.


[User] What did you call me?

[Assistant] [from phone] I'm sorry. What do you people want to be called this week?


[User] Cole.

[Assistant] [furrows his brow] I'm nEver gonna remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minority to the funeral home. The rest of you young white people, the world is your oyster. Get an MRI with contrast, EEG, LP, and blood panel. And, Angels, be careful.


[User] Just because he's religious doesn't mean he won't kick your ass.

[Assistant] You wanna bet?


[User] No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.

[Assistant] [teasingly] One hundred dollars. Smart call. [pockets the money] Guy's a wuss. He's gonna be the next one on the train.


[User] Define "kick your ass."

[Assistant] Any physical confrontation...


[User] Or verbal?

[Assistant] Define verbal.


[User] Anything over...sEventy decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him.

[Assistant] You realize what you're encouraging here.


[User] Ethanol can have psychoactive effects...

[Assistant] [from phone, loudly] Bosley! Tell whoEver's talking he's an idiot. Bosley. Either tell him he's an idiot, or tell me why I'm wrong.


[User] [apologetically, to Cole] You're an idiot.

[Assistant] [from phone] You actually think that I'd take a Patient who had a seizure in a funeral home if the ER hadn't already ruled out embalming fluid?


[User] I thought we weren't supposed to trust...

[Assistant] [from phone, snaps] Idiot! From the old French, [constipated French accent] "idiote", meaning effeminate, mentally deficient moor.


[User] I found something in the mortuary's files from '05. A forty-eight-year-old male's cause of death was listed as pneumonia, but the symptoms in the autopsy report didn't fit. Uh, confusion, memory loss, depression.

[Assistant] Mad cow. Very cool.


[User] No, she's a vegetarian and only ate organic vegetables at that.

[Assistant] Tell him he's an idiot again.


[User] [to Cole] The disease can be spread by brain tissue.

[Assistant] Which is very cool. Run with it.


[User] [amused] So because the answer might be "cool", you want us to do a brain biopsy on a twenty-four-year-old Woman?

[Assistant] No, because the answer is something cool, I want you to do a brain biopsy on a forty-eight-year-old dead guy.


[User] I am not digging up a body without a court order.

[Assistant] Don't think of it as digging up a body. Think of it as keeping another one from being buried.


[User] I can't do it.

[Assistant] We gonna have another one of those ecumenical discussions where I tell you that your beliefs are ridiculous and you totally cave?


[User] I just gotta be home at six.

[Assistant] The Sabbath. The Lord works for six days, then tells the Union he needs a rest. You know, if I was all-powerful, I'd take at least two days. Well, then it must be the kid. You have oatmeal on your pants.


[User] Do you have a camera in here?

[Assistant] No. I was guessing. He had oatmeal on his pants yesterday and the day before. Have one of your wives look after the spawn.


[User] I have no idea.

[Assistant] Interesting. You claim a lapse of judgment, or you gonna admit that a lapse in judgment is a lapse in faith?


[User] He's gone.

[Assistant] Fair enough. Family comes first.


[User] The doctor's lounge is covered in mud.

[Assistant] Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement, and the cafeteria was out of jell-o.


[User] There were pickaxes. Either you had them dig up a body, or you're building a railroad.

[Assistant] A little tiny piece of his brain. Seemed a waste. He wasn't using it anymore.


[User] That's your defense? "We just dismembered him"?

[Assistant] They're looking for Creutzfeldt-Jakob.


[User] [really intrigued] You get the results yet?

[Assistant] Does my breath smell bated to you?


[User] Yes. Let me know when you hear anything. [stands] And get that mess in the shower area cleaned up.

[Assistant] I know just the guy.


[User] How Many of them agreed to dig up a grave?

[Assistant] Six. But don't worry, the one who didn't didn't stand on principle. He just had a diaper to change. I really think there are no bad choices in this group. You guys don't wipe your feet when you come in the House? Doctor's lounge. Let's go.


[User] Why me?

[Assistant] Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the Parkcks to do it. That would be insensitive.


[User] And you can't ask Bosley because that'd look like you only hired the non-doctor to do non-doctor stuff.

[Assistant] You keep stalling, you're still gonna clean up, but I won't let you have the mop.


[User] Sample came back negative for Creutzfeldt-Jakob.

[Assistant] Well, that discussion didn't last long.


[User] I just don't know what else there is. We had an idea. It was wrong.

[Assistant] Well, we can go home. I mean, we have no idea what's wrong with her. Which means it could be completely benign. Or, on the off chance that it's _killing_ her, we could take it again from the top.


[User] What are you talking about? She's right there.

[Assistant] [from phone] You sampled Every bodily fluid, peeked in her brain, violated a cadaver's privacy, dug up a body... ... but missed the fact she was still seeing things that weren't there. Be nice if one of you Angels-slash-morons had a clue why.


[User] We did a full history. She nEver mentioned seeing or hearing anything unusual.

[Assistant] [sarcastic] Oh, well, as long as she nEver said anything. How were you to know? Same thing with the spinal fluid? She tell you that was fine?


[User] [checking a file] The labs were all clear.

[Assistant] Then either we're about to meet the Alpha and Omega, or you missed something.


[User] Seeing her dead mother's a hallucination. Not knowing she's dead is a delusion.

[Assistant] [impressed] You keep this up, you're gonna have to start wearing sexier clothes.


[User] In Ukraine, twenty years ago. Good luck trying to get those records.

[Assistant] We start new records. Test for Every hereditary disease that fits the symptoms.


[User] There are at least forty different mitochondrial disorders, another couple hundred...

[Assistant] Start with Amyloidosis, keep going until you reach... zAmyloidosis.


[User] And you tell him that, then run back to your office while I get to deal with him. I left for a reason. That reason hasn't changed.

[Assistant] So... what's the news?


[User] Everything's negative so far.

[Assistant] Yes. Why wait to finish before reporting to me? I have things to do, you know.


[User] She's seeing someone else.

[Assistant] That's not news. That's "olds". Dammit. Why did God design the huMan body this way?


[User] A guy in a wheelchair.

[Assistant] In a hospital. It's enough to give you the heebie-jeebies.


[User] He had a dog. She's seeing Stark. Our last Patient.

[Assistant] Well, if it's Stark, he wouldn't be haunting a Patient, he'd be haunting the doctor who killed him. [interjects loudly] PRobably? You think there's a possibility that the alternative is true? Then go away.


[User] We're wasting time. We ran thirty two gels. We could run a hundred more. Without knowing how her mother died...

[Assistant] You're gonna have to run a hundred more. And by you, of course, I'm only referring to the people who care enough about huMan life to put in a full day. [to Cole] You wanna carpool?


[User] H-how do you expect me to respond to this stuff?

[Assistant] Exactly like you just did. I have a theory. Maybe you can help me out. Black Mormon means masoParkst. Means kinky. I'm thinking that someone got hurt making the bastard. Am I right?


[User] You leave my son out of this.

[Assistant] I wasn't referring to your kid's hypocrisy. I was referring to yours.


[User] I don't mean ask the Patient, I mean ask her mother.

[Assistant] [thinks about it a second, likes it] Cool. [to "Thirteen"] Come on.


[User] Now what?

[Assistant] I'm Dr. House. 'S your mom around?


[User] Why should I tell you? You're just going to tell me I'm lying or crazy.

[Assistant] Not gonna do that. I really need to know what she has to say.


[User] What do you want?

[Assistant] When you were young, was she...?


[User] Actually, looks like you.

[Assistant] Yeah, that's Grandpa House. Tell him to call back on a land line. Terrible reception in here. How much pain was your mom in?


[User] [unsure what House wants this time] Can I... help you?

[Assistant] My Patient's talking to my Grandpa Walt.


[User] You have a Grandpa Walt?

[Assistant] Nope. Which is what made me suspect that maybe she's not actually seeing into the afterlife.


[User] What is this sudden obsession with the afterlife?

[Assistant] Only obsession is with the idiots in the right-here-and-now life who think there's an afterlife. [he pulls out his Vicodin bottle]


[User] And you want me to...?

[Assistant] Nothing. Just need a place to hang low for awhile. I'm pretending to be spooked.


[User] Because...?

[Assistant] Because if my soon-to-be-brain-dead Patient thinks that I beliEve her, maybe she'll let me chat with her mother's ghost.


[User] The one you don't beliEve exists.

[Assistant] Exactly. The ghost is a hallucination, which is the result of a delusion which most likely is the result of a hereditary disease that her mother died from when the Patient was four.


[User] And you think you can tap into her subconscious memory by tapping into her hallucination.

[Assistant] Hmm-mm. She might not know what caused her mother's death, but she will know how she acted before she died.


[User] You're quite impressed with yourself right now, aren't you?

[Assistant] [snorts] Who wouldn't be? [checks his watch] Well, that should be long enough. Back in a flash.


[User] Take your time.

[Assistant] [acting like a beliEver] Is my grandfather still here?


[User] He just went to get some warm milk.

[Assistant] But your mom's still here, right?


[User] Yes, of course.

[Assistant] I know she's fine now, but when you were four or five, she got sick.


[User] [confused] No.

[Assistant] You sure? She wasn't in any pain?


[User] She was just tired. And sometimes she would stay in bed all day.

[Assistant] Did she Ever fall down?


[User] Sometimes. Not that often.

[Assistant] How often?


[User] They took her away.

[Assistant] Yeah, to the place where the doctor made her better. But before that, what about her arms and legs? Did she Ever walk funny? Like sort of bent over?


[User] [laughs] I thought that was from growing up on the farm.

[Assistant] What about her hands? She Ever have any difficulty sewing, buttoning a shirt?


[User] She used to get the shivers like she was cold.

[Assistant] Start her on l-dopa and bromocriptine. [bored] It's just Parkinson's.


[User] Lesions aren't explained by Parkinson's.

[Assistant] Any theories? [to "Thirteen"] A ghost got your tongue?


[User] So are the banks and the power grid. But if I don't pay my bills, my lights go out.

[Assistant] Vasculitis restricts blood flow to nerves, messes with electrical function.


[User] If you're wrong about porphyria, the treatment could box her kidneys. Vasculitis is treated with corticosteriods. Relatively harmless.

[Assistant] Start her on the steroids.


[User] [protesting] House...

[Assistant] And test for both so he'll stop whining. [to Cole] Big Love, have I humiliated you in the last half hour?


[User] [apprehensive] No.

[Assistant] Check your email.


[User] How's it going?

[Assistant] Great. The only way he could turn any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants.


[User] [takes an apple] He's not a wuss. It takes a lot more strength...

[Assistant] Hey, we didn't bet on how strong he was.


[User] So you're gonna collect a hundred dollars and fire him because he has principles? [takes a bite out of the apple]

[Assistant] What's your agenda here? Obviously don't care about the hundred.


[User] He's a decent, smart...

[Assistant] You don't care about the team.


[User] Does it annoy Wilson when you ask questions and ignore the answers?

[Assistant] Very much. You only care about who I hire and who I fire, 'cause you miss going through my mail. You can't stop controlling me.


[User] [chuckles] No one controls you.

[Assistant] Want your job back?


[User] [right-away] No.

[Assistant] Too bad. You can't have it. [points at Cameron] She'll take care of this. You can take it out of the $100 you're gonna owe me.


[User] Not a metaphor. Look up.

[Assistant] [over intercom] You guys gonna shoot the breeze or you gonna do something about all that bleeding?


[User] [arguing] PBG tests are only conclusive if done during an attack, which you would know if you were a real doctor.

[Assistant] That is just great.


[User] Which one of us is?

[Assistant] Both of you. Together. Fighting. Passionate to prove the other one wrong. Couldn't care less about the Patient, but it all works out the same.


[User] [butts in] I hate "Thirteen".

[Assistant] Not as productively. Continue.


[User] Vascular isn't just vasculitis. Something's gotta be cutting off the blood supply to her liver and spleen.

[Assistant] Do a visceral angiogram.


[User] [stands and approaches House] This is a joke, right? He can't be right Every single time. You're feeding him your ideas just to embarrass us.

[Assistant] If I wanted to embarrass you, I'd... have you mop up the doctor's lounge.


[User] [yelling out] No, give it to me! I want it! Give it to me!

[Assistant] What'd the angio say?


[User] We couldn't finish. She started groping me.

[Assistant] You couldn't let her get to second base just to get the test done?


[User] She was convulsing, delirious, and hyper-salivating. We had to knock her out with lorazepam.

[Assistant] Well, it's definitely not vascular.


[User] What do you want us to do?

[Assistant] [leans back in his chair] Question is, what would Joseph Smith do?


[User] This isn't the time for...

[Assistant] Casting out the demons?


[User] [arguing] The Patient's not possessed, she's dying. You can mock me tomorrow.

[Assistant] You beliEve that the Book has all the answers.


[User] [humoring him] To morality, not science!

[Assistant] But the book is inconsistent with science. You know how Many epileptics were tortured because they were possessed? How Many teenage witches were stoned to death 'cause they took mushrooms?


[User] [barely restraining himself] Just shut up already! We got a Patient dying!

[Assistant] Either got to prescribe an exorcism or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud.


[User] I know what she has.

[Assistant] You couldn't have spoken up ten seconds ago? You coulda saved me a hundred bucks.


[User] ... completely unprocessed and untreated like what's in that organic rye bread she's been eating. [to House] Should I be going home?

[Assistant] Is it six o'clock?


[User] Cravings based on actual needs. It's a fairly common evolutionary dEvelopment.

[Assistant] You okay with an answer based on evolution?


[User] [uncertainly] Yeah.

[Assistant] Hypocrite.


[User] [softly] Mama.

[Assistant] As you know, there are sEven of you and... [counts the flowers and dumps a few of them] only six roses.


[User] But I'm sure they're part of the rose family. [smiles]

[Assistant] Actually, I'm surprised there are sEven of you. [to Cole] You punch your boss and stick around?


[User] [coolly] Gimme the flower and shut up.

[Assistant] Don't overdo it. [to the rest] Now I would love to keep all of you. But not enough to do anything about it. So according to my arbitrary schedule, one of you has to go.


[User] [to House] No, I nEver...

[Assistant] I'm sure she did it. That's why she's getting the flower. It was beautiful. She just overreached. She got into your head. She owned you. Planting the idea was good. Letting it fester was good. Leaving the collar was stupid. Well known fact, ghosts don't leave things lying around. Oh, my goodness. I'd totally forgotten about you two. Well played. Sorry, Henry. We had some giggles.


[User] That's why I gotta go. Don't need someone to tell you what you're already thinking.

[Assistant] Funny, I was gonna say that. If you want to hang out...


[User] [standing] Yeah, I know. Um, call Wilson.

[Assistant] Rest of you, eight o'clock tomorrow.


[User] Cash will be fine.

[Assistant] [getting the money] I bet you say that to all the guys. Take your blood money. Who are you gonna protect next?


[User] Are you happy? Let's go! [They run off.]

[Assistant] Today, we are hunting for the cat burglar of diseases. Causes a healthy Man's lungs to fail, leaves no fingerprints.


[User] Respiratory distress could be asthma.

[Assistant] No hyperinflation on the X-ray.


[User] Food allergy. Could have eaten shellfish or peanuts.

[Assistant] No hives. No erythema on the skin. [Cuddy and Foreman walk in.] Embolisms don't magically dissolve. [To Foreman.] What are you doing here?


[User] Laryngospasm. [Everyone turns to look at him.] Frosty fall air hits his vocal chords, they spasm shut... Choke him out.

[Assistant] Good idea. You've been tremendously helpful, you can leave.


[User] I just hired him.

[Assistant] Well I fired him. To infinity.


[User] [To Cuddy.] You didn't tell him I was coming back?

[Assistant] She did, I said no.


[User] It's still Dr. House's department. He decides who stays, who goes...

[Assistant] Foreman goes!


[User] But Dr. Foreman will be my eyes and ears. You do nothing without his knowledge. [Starts to leave.]

[Assistant] Oh, uh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls? [Foreman rolls his eyes and looks at Cuddy, who smiles and leaves.] If you want to keep your jobs, that nEver happened. The only way to get the cat burglar is to catch him in the act. Give the Patient a methacholine challenge, see if it sets off laryngospasm.


[User] You want us to stop his breathing?

[Assistant] Well, only until you can figure out why. After that it'd be irresponsible. [The numbers leave, Foreman stays.] You and I should talk.


[User] I'm sorry, she didn't have to do that publicly.

[Assistant] Yes she did! She had to establish her dominance in front of them, limit my power.


[User] There's nothing we can do.

[Assistant] Well, that's not the nEver-say-nEver Dr. Foreman I know. There's lots we can do.


[User] Not really, Cuddy won't...

[Assistant] I can make you miserable.


[User] That's true.

[Assistant] Until you quit, again. So why don't we just skip the middleMan?


[User] I'm not quitting.

[Assistant] My god, not Everything's about you, and your little job, and your little world. This is about restoring order in the universe.


[User] I'm not quitting.

[Assistant] You're going to be miserable.


[User] Doesn't cover all three. What else?

[Assistant] Carry on, he's the boss. [Sits down between 13 and Kutner.]


[User] Have to be in the brain stem and it still doesn't explain the lungs.

[Assistant] Weird, though... That he's the boss. Didn't he quit recently? Was it a money issue?


[User] Lungs, stomach, numbness?

[Assistant] No that wasn't it, it was something else... Was it bling account? Med plan didn't cover tattoo removal?


[User] We have to unify these symptoms.

[Assistant] Oh! I remember. You don't want to turn into me. Right? You didn't want to become evil.


[User] Can we stick to the medicine here?

[Assistant] Absolutely. I'm just flattered. In a few short weeks, seems like I've just turned towards the light. I mean... either that or you've sold your soul.


[User] Multiple marantic emboli could...

[Assistant] Get a raise? 'Cause then you're a whore. Or didn't you? 'Cause then you're a stupid whore. [House's pager goes off.] Patient just crashed. [Everyone just sits there.] Can they go, boss? [Foreman nods. They run off.]


[User] You're right.

[Assistant] But?


[User] No but. You're right about all of it.

[Assistant] Well, then, I'll see you at the reunion. [Stands up to leave.]


[User] Okay, while you're killing him... I'll get the intubation kit.

[Assistant] I decided you're right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.


[User] Thanks.

[Assistant] So I'm going to humiliate Cuddy, until she fires you.


[User] Guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You notice the EMT run sheet? [Hands a file to House.] Paramedic who brought him in is also named Martin Harris.

[Assistant] Well. [Cole runs past.] If the name was Attila Von Weinerschnitzel, I'd say you might be on to something.


[User] Look. [Points to the white board listing all the Patients.] Room 406, abdominal pain. Room 403, left-sided numbness. 402, syncope. He's copying his neighbours' symptoms.

[Assistant] [Studies the board.] No.


[User] Yeah, coincidence is much more likely than you being a stubborn jerk.

[Assistant] Munchausen's Patients create symptoms, not names.


[User] See? Nothing's wrong with him.

[Assistant] He's in a lab coat. Munchausen's pretend to be Patients, not doctors. He's got mirror syndrome.


[User] Giovannini's?

[Assistant] Do you know another mirror syndrome? Brain's got no idea who he is, where he is or what he is. But it fills the holes with whatEver dirt's lying around. He reads a name tag, he's got a name. Sees a doctor, he's got a job. Sees symptoms, he's got a pRoblem.


[User] My explanation's simpler.

[Assistant] Well if it's simple, then we discharge the nut bar. But if it's compliCated, then the nut bar has got brain damage.


[User] So we let him jerk them around for a few days until we're sure?

[Assistant] No, we let him jerk you around. There's a faster way. Mind if we play through?


[User] Sure, what could possibly go wrong?

[Assistant] What's going on here, Martin?


[User] House, who is this guy?

[Assistant] Excellent question. Who are you, Martin? [Patient opens his mouth to talk but says nothing.] He just likes to watch, do stuff.


[User] Number ten scalpel for initial incision. Glad you're here, House.

[Assistant] Of course you are. [To the Patient.] It's lecture time.


[User] Yeah, it is. Stop worrying about the power play.

[Assistant] Was that it? I think you can go a lot deeper here. I mean, WHY am I so obsessed by all of this?


[User] You're threatened by Foreman and feel the need to impress Cuddy. The only thing that's relevant is Foreman is a good doctor. He can help you, lighten the load.

[Assistant] Good idea. I'll have him sort my mail.


[User] Who is this guy?!

[Assistant] I think we just found out.


[User] Hah.

[Assistant] [Looks up at Foreman in the observation room as the Patient grabs a scalpel.] Told you I didn't need you.


[User] House, what is going on?

[Assistant] [Cuts the Patient's hand with a scalpel]


[User] Owww! [Cut barely bleeds.]

[Assistant] Your blood's turned to sludge. If we don't heat you up, you're going to die. [Looks up at Foreman.] Can't fake that! Mirror syndrome Patients have no agenda, no axe to grind. They can read you because they have to. Moods, attitudes, Everything. They're like mind readers. Except they can read your mind.


[User] Where are we going?

[Assistant] Unfortunately, we have to cure him. His hand wasn't black when he came in, the operating room was sterile, the only thing different was the temperature. Cold agglutinins means...


[User] No fEver, so it's got to be a tiny infection, hard to find.

[Assistant] You'd better find it fast. This guy feels another cool breeze, his blood turns to slop and he drops. [Walks into the cafeteria.] I need three ways to pinpoint infection.


[User] Blood cultures.

[Assistant] Blood's clumpy. Nothing you can do with it.


[User] Unless we soak him in warm water before we draw it.

[Assistant] Good, what else?


[User] Ultrasound his abdomen, look for an abscess.

[Assistant] Good. [House stands on a chair.] Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have a regrettable announcement. Kitchen has just learned that our annual shipment of mayonnaise was improperly stored, so anybody who ate... well, the food, should head across the lobby to the clinic right away. Ask for Dr. Cuddy. [Everyone starts to leave.]


[User] You're not punishing Cuddy, you're punishing Every doctor in the building.

[Assistant] It's her building, her doctors. Still need one more.


[User] [Gets up on the chair.] The mayo is fine. You can stay where you are. I'm a doctor.

[Assistant] Mail order. I've seen the diplomas. Two N's in university. [Everyone continues to leave.] Big Love was right. History's the key.


[User] No ID, no wallet. No missing persons report filed for a hundred miles.

[Assistant] The key is the key. He had car keys in his pocket when he was admitted. [To Amber.] Keep him in the isolation room, so he doesn't pick up extreme bitch syndrome from one of the nurses. [To 13.] Run the ultrasound [To Taub.] and the blood cultures.


[User] The cultures were my idea.

[Assistant] No one's keeping score... You're losing. [To Cole.] Search the street where he was mugged, find the car and the registration.


[User] There could be thousands of cars. Why do I get this assignment?

[Assistant] Because if you deal with the Patient, he's going to wind up singing Osmond songs and proposing to five nurses at once. Ooh. We have a love connection. [House leaves.]


[User] Lesion on the liver. Cystic or solid?

[Assistant] Solid.


[User] Well, you certainly did the right thing by coming to me.

[Assistant] Yes, I needed a smug oncologist...


[User] An authoritative oncologist.

[Assistant] I hate you. Tell me why.


[User] I've been scanning literature, very interesting study in Sweden. Apparently, Giovannini's Patients mimic whoEver they think's in charge.

[Assistant] Any country with that low an age of consent and that high a rate of suicide isn't thinking straight.


[User] I am in charge of our relationship.

[Assistant] It was a surgery. You were the surgeon. In that setting...


[User] You would pick up my laundry if I asked you to.

[Assistant] Go ahead, ask.


[User] Oh, I wouldn't do that to you.

[Assistant] I want all my personal private doctors back right now. Except for Foreman.


[User] Your team, Foreman included, is dealing with the great mayonnaise panic of 2007. Frankly, I'm worried it might spread to other continents.

[Assistant] Lesion on the liver. Possibility... Why are you doing a pelvic for food poisoning?


[User] She said her hoo hoo burned.

[Assistant] Lesion on the liver, ideas?


[User] [Walking past.] Unless it's a vascular heMangioma. Aspirate that, he'll bleed out, we'll kill him.

[Assistant] If he bleeds out we'll know what he had.


[User] Had?

[Assistant] Two diagnoses out of three he lives. We do nothing three out of three he dies. [To Brennan.] Go stick his liver.


[User] Where's Foreman? We should...

[Assistant] You need him to draft your letter of resignation?


[User] You risking our Patient's life to get back at Cuddy?

[Assistant] What? No, that would be Parkldish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [Turns around to the clinic full of people.] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [A bunch of people stick up their hand.] Michael Moore was right. MRI's, pet scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these Patients. Fight the power!


[User] I think the black pus is fungal. If I'm right, that's where the cold agglutinins are coming from, that's what's driving his memory loss. Amber's putting him on amphotericin, it will cure him.

[Assistant] This makes no sense.


[User] I'm doing blood tests to be sure, but the sooner we get him on...

[Assistant] I'm not talking about the infection. I'm talking about you letting Tonya Harding administer the treatment.


[User] I'm out of the game.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] A couple of weeks ago you named me grumpy, said I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be back in the Third world.

[Assistant] And you realised I'm right just now?


[User] I got a confirmation.

[Assistant] The Patient's nuts.


[User] The Patient's... unbiased. The Patient has no axe to grind.

[Assistant] The Patient is nuts.


[User] I miss my old life helping people who barely have clean water, let alone the kind of medicines we waste by the SUV load.

[Assistant] You're nuts. You're going to be miserable, at home, at work, somewhere. The goal in life is not to eliminate misery, it's to keep misery to the minimum.


[User] Oh, that's inspiring.

[Assistant] You said you came back to get married. What does your fianc�e do?


[User] She's a court reporter.

[Assistant] Uh-huh, well I'm sure Thailand will have courts any day now. Someone's going to be miserable sometime. Accept it. It's how I stay so happy.


[User] Why do you care if I stay?

[Assistant] You're good. Don't screw it up just because you're miserable.


[User] Heating blanket wasn't keeping him warm enough. Ordered a whirlpool, got his blood flowing. So far, it's keeping his rash at bay.

[Assistant] Rash worse equals cold agglutinins worse. Means what was in his liver wasn't fungus.


[User] That it wasn't Even pus, it was just coagulated blood caused by the cold agglutinins.

[Assistant] Which you [Points at Brennan] mistook for a cool fungus that you saw after the tsunami.


[User] Same consistency...

[Assistant] You saw what you wanted to see, not what was there. Wait a second. Didn't you quit?


[User] I spoke to my fianc�e, I'm staying.

[Assistant] Of course you are. Because you're the exact right amount of miserable.