[User] I didn't screw up the test!

[Assistant] So it's a UFO, unidentified flowing orifice. Either you screwed up the test, or I screwed up my analysis of this case. If you screwed up, I don't have to cry myself to sleep. It's a simple bleeding disorder. Foreman, redo the test.


[User] Kid's got a bleeding disorder.

[Assistant] You sure?


[User] Had to stop the bleeding myself after 25 minutes.

[Assistant] So you're saying Chase did screw up.


[User] Big hand points to minutes. Maybe you got them mixed up?

[Assistant] Oh, snap! Foreman's playing the dozens; you're at a cultural disadvantage here. Take a few minutes to think up a witty retort.


[User] So we have contradicting bleeding time tests. If we run labs to check his clotting factors we can confirm which one's right.

[Assistant] Yeah, testing, nice idea. Way better than trying to guess which doctor's incompetent. Much better than the paperwork, too.


[User] House! Clancy's gone missing.

[Assistant] Oh, no! Well, you take Alpha Centauri, Foreman can look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive! We'll nEver catch him.


[User] Clancy, stop! There is no Parkp! We're going to clean you up, and we're going to go back to your room. You can't do things like this. Your parents! [Chase stops, because he sees something shiny through the blood.]

[Assistant] Results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. They said it might not Even be terrestrial.


[User] Really?

[Assistant] No, you idiot! It's titanium. Like from a surgical pin, like the kind the kid had inserted into his broken arm four years ago, nice medical history.


[User] That pin was removed six months after "�

[Assistant] So what, a little piece broke off during removal.


[User] Titanium is used to build nuclear subs, pieces don't just break off.

[Assistant] Tell that to the guys on the Kursk.


[User] To his lungs, maybe. Not his neck.

[Assistant] Yeah. An alien Parkp makes more sense. The real mystery is you didn't actually screw up. [He stumbles.]


[User] You okay?

[Assistant] Fine. I tripped. Kid carved a hole in the back of his neck, apparently didn't bleed to death. Now that's weird.


[User] He clotted on his own?

[Assistant] Sure did. So first there was no bleeding disorder, then there was, now there's not again.


[User] Or Foreman screwed up. Two out of three tests agree with my findings.

[Assistant] Lucky for us, the fourth test will be the charm.


[User] He's in ICU, systolic is hovering around 170, I left instructions to lower it slowly so we don't risk hypoperfusing his organs.

[Assistant] Tradeoff being that leaving his blood pressure that high risks stroke, MI, and blindness.


[User] I'm open to suggestions.

[Assistant] Solve the case. Kidneys could "�


[User] Kidneys are clean. [They enter the lab.]

[Assistant] [Fingers crossed.] Tell me he's a mutant huMan hybrid.


[User] Right. Kids always cheat on their bleeding time tests.

[Assistant] She was being metaphorical. Trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking.


[User] I meant, he's clotting right now and he's in hypertensive crisis. Maybe the two are related. What if he was hypertensive the other two times that he clotted?

[Assistant] Hypertensive crisis can activate clotting factors. Even someone low on von Willenbrand's could theoretically clot.


[User] And the first time Clancy clotted he was all worked up recounting his alien abduction; he could have easily have been hypertensive.

[Assistant] I know I get worked up when I cut microParkp tracking implants out of my neck.


[User] Sounds like a cheat to me.

[Assistant] Yeah, we get it. Okay, what's the differential for a sEven-year-old boy suffering multiple hypertensive crises?


[User] It's clean, his heart isn't the pRoblem.

[Assistant] Why don't I have hi-def in my office? I'm a department head!


[User] Valves are intact.

[Assistant] Tissue characterization is impossible when the pixels are the size of Legos. See, this is what I'm talking about. Foreman, you've got to steal this thing for me.


[User] The clearer the image, the clearer it is that there are no masses, no clots, no tears. The pRoblem's got to be somewhere else.

[Assistant] We're gonna need a bigger boat.


[User] Think he'll make us break into the IMAX before he admits it?

[Assistant] There.


[User] Where?

[Assistant] Right there. Left side, no movement. [Cameron freezes the shot.] Well, don't freeze it! Something's not moving, how do you see something not move if nothing's moving? [She restarts it.] I need the laser pointer.


[User] We don't have a laser pointer.

[Assistant] Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer? Right here! [He jumps to point at the spot on the screen; as he lands he grimaces and clutches at his leg.] A few thousand myocytes not beating with the rest.


[User] So you found an arrhythmia.

[Assistant] That's not an arrhythmia, that's a no-rhythmia. Myocytes contract, these aren't moving at all. Go get me those myocytes; I want to talk to them in my office.


[User] How's the kid doing?

[Assistant] Heart nearly exploded. Still beating, though. Most of it, anyway. Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click, "Yes, I am 18"�? Even a 17-year-old can figure that out.


[User] What's going on with the leg?

[Assistant] First, tell me what's going on with the boobs.


[User] If you're feeling pain "�

[Assistant] They're firmer.


[User] It's called an underwire. I want to get a PET scan of your brain.

[Assistant] I think it's hormones.


[User] As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus "�

[Assistant] Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.


[User] -- Then the pain can be good. It could be muscle regenerating. After you work out, you get sore. Pain doesn't mean the ketamine failed.

[Assistant] Guess I should be saying 'mazel tov.' Who gets to pass out the cigars?


[User] I'm not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain.

[Assistant] Boy or girl? You got a name picked out?


[User] I'm not pregnant!

[Assistant] My leg doesn't hurt.


[User] You're in denial!

[Assistant] No, I'm not! Oh, you got me. If I thought my leg was deteriorating, don't you think I'd want to take steps to prEvent that?


[User] [Sighs.] Okay. [House's beeper beeps.]

[Assistant] Gotta go. [As he leaves, he fake stumbles. Cuddy helps him up; He gives her a look with a "ha".]


[User] Here's Clancy's DNA, and here's the DNA from the piece of that heart we just biopsied. [They don't match.]

[Assistant] That is impossible. Run it again.


[User] Alien DNA.

[Assistant] Anybody watch any X-Files that inspired an explanation?


[User] There are ways DNA could become mutated. Extreme UV radiation.

[Assistant] That much sun, he'd be dying with a healthy bronze glow.


[User] Nitrous acid or ethidium bromide exposure.

[Assistant] So first Daddy was a rapist, now he's a chemist.


[User] Various species of fungus have been proven mutagenic.

[Assistant] Not unless the kid's been eating barrels of celery or living in Indonesia, or both. [While this is going on, House has limped from the whiteboard to lean over the table.]


[User] Is your leg hurting?

[Assistant] Is that question helping?


[User] You're leaning.

[Assistant] You're sitting.


[User] You're evading.

[Assistant] My head's hurting. Please, someone give me a plausible, terrestrial explanation for this kid's alien DNA.


[User] What if we find the heart cells with the bad DNA and we tag them?

[Assistant] Can you phrase that in the form of a metaphor?


[User] It's the same way we search for cancer. The bad DNA creates a unique protein on the surface of the affected cells. We create an antibody that recognizes only that protein and we flush it throughout his system, and the similar cells light up like light bulbs.

[Assistant] Okay, let's do that.


[User] You want to go for a run?

[Assistant] What do you want?


[User] I want you to run. [He throws House a bottle of Vicodin.]

[Assistant] When did you become an enabler?


[User] I'm enabling you to exercise. Vicodin blocks the pain, you get through your rehab, muscle strength increases, and pain decreases.

[Assistant] I'd rather not become dependant on pain pills to get through my day. [He throws them back.]


[User] You're just like any other Patient "� running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.

[Assistant] I'm as happy as a pig in poop.


[User] You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a tortuous window of the good life.

[Assistant] What part of poop didn't you understand?


[User] How can you be so sure it isn't just a sore muscle?

[Assistant] It's my leg. We've known each other a long time.


[User] We didn't miss anything. Brain scan was completely clean.

[Assistant] Our tag must not have penetrated the blood-brain barrier. Don't use an IV this time; get it right into the brain.


[User] His scan was clean, twice! It's not there! [House sits making them pause.]

[Assistant] What if it is there but didn't show up on the scan? What if the tag just doesn't work in his brain? Brain cells are structurally different, express a different protein.


[User] Where are we going?

[Assistant] I am going to think. Send the kid home.


[User] What do you mean?

[Assistant] Make sure his blood pressure's stabilized and send him home.


[User] Like nothing Ever happened?

[Assistant] We cured his bleeding disorder, removed all the damaged cells we could find.


[User] We don't know that we fixed anything, it's only been a day. Maybe these symptoms come and go like the blood disorder.

[Assistant] It's more pRobable that his remaining symptoms are just a nightmare.


[User] He had a convulsion.

[Assistant] May be epilepsy, may be psychological, may be nothing. If the kid gets sick again it'll give us another clue, we can start searParkng again. If he doesn't, it doesn't matter. Send him home.


[User] House! You're just giving up on this kid?

[Assistant] You've got to know when to stop.


[User] You don't stop, you nEver stop, you just keep on going until you come up with something so insane that it's usually right.

[Assistant] Except on my last case.


[User] Don't be pathetic. Just forget the last case. This kid obviously has something wrong with him.

[Assistant] When did you dEvelop such strong opinions about my Patients? Last week you were convinced that my Patient wasn't sick, now you're convinced this one is.


[User] This one is a young boy. His parents are desperate. Just get together with your team, spend a few extra hours "�

[Assistant] Well, I guess we could amputate his left leg. That's where we found most of it. Maybe we could just remove his affected eye completely.


[User] If you have reason to beliEve that that might help "�

[Assistant] I'm not going to start lopping off body parts, but it's interesting that you'd give me the green light.


[User] I just want you to do something.

[Assistant] You've been overly supportive this entire week. Either you're hormonal or you're guilt-ridden. And it's too early in the pregnancy for this to be hormonal.


[User] I'm not pregnant.

[Assistant] Then what did you do wrong?


[User] He had Addison's, your last Patient. You were right. I gave him one shot of cortisol and he woke up like Rip van Winkle.

[Assistant] [To Cuddy's belly.] Oh, your mommy's in such trouble. She's such a liar! That's why you don't have a daddy. That's why she had to "� [And! epiphany.] How does one person end up with two different sets of DNA?


[User] We've been through this.

[Assistant] Our assumptions are faulty.


[User] We've confirmed two different sets of DNA, we re-ran the sequence.

[Assistant] I didn't say the lab work was faulty, I said our assumptions were faulty. We assumed he's a person.


[User] Of course, the aliens didn't just visit him, they replaced him.

[Assistant] Well, you're being silly. What if he's not a person, what if he's two persons?


[User] I'm not getting the metaphor.

[Assistant] No metaphor. Chase, you said the mom used in vitro fertilization, right?


[User] Yeah, they had trouble conceiving.

[Assistant] The kid was right all along, he was implanted with something. Back when he was really young, I mean really young, I mean twelve cells young. In vitro increases the likelihood of twinning.


[User] But he doesn't have a twin.

[Assistant] Not walking around. But in vitro fertilization costs about 25 grand a pop. [CGI of! well, cells merging.] So doctors implant about two to six embryos to make sure you get your money's worth. PRoblem is, there's not always enough bedrooms for all of the kiddies. Two brothers get stuck sharing, there's no bunk beds, so they cuddle up to keep warm. They nEver untangle. He's two people in one. It's called Parkmerism. Unfortunately, his brother's like a bad doubles partner. The guy just takes up space, gets in the way. Clancy's body thinks that he's going to put away the easy winners, but his brother just keeps swatting the balls into the net. We've got to get him off the court.


[User] So does that mean you can find the bad cells in his brain, or not?

[Assistant] Sure, abandon the metaphor. Fine. Clancy thinks differently than his brother because he thinks. If we induce an alien abduction "�


[User] Wait, what the hell are you talking about?

[Assistant] The foreign DNA has got to be in a portion of your son's brain that makes him beliEve that he's being abducted. We stimulate those neurons with an electric pRobe; we can trick your son's brain into hallucinating. And your son's neurons will light up, and his brother's cells will remain dark. Those are the ones we cut out.


[User] You're talking about brain surgery.

[Assistant] I'm talking about really cool brain surgery. One of your sons will die, but the taller one won't be so annoying any more.


[User] Light bulb.

[Assistant] Start us out at ten. [House is doing the brain surgery. Wait, what? Clancy's arm twitches.]


[User] I'm not doing that.

[Assistant] That was all me, kid. Sorry.


[User] Brain waves indiCate mild hallucination. Neurons lighting up.

[Assistant] Any dark spots?


[User] Area's too fuzzy. Hallucination isn't strong enough.

[Assistant] Well, turn up the juice.


[User] His blood pressure's already 160/110. Any higher and "�

[Assistant] Riding the short bus is better than not breathing. Take us to 100.


[User] Area's still too fuzzy to make any kind of distinction.

[Assistant] Crank it up higher!


[User] You've already exceeded the preset maximum. Next step's brain damage.

[Assistant] [In front of Clancy's face.] They're going to get you! They're coming through the walls. They're going to take you, torture you! You'll nEver see your parents again. [And all the CGI guys on House weep for joy, because all they really want to do is work in sci-fi, and here it is, an alien abduction scene, complete with bizarre pRobes.]


[User] Yep, we got them all.

[Assistant] Close him up.


[User] Everything's going to be normal again.

[Assistant] You beliEve what Cuddy tried to pull?


[User] What now?

[Assistant] She lied to me. She cured my Patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.


[User] That doesn't sound like her.

[Assistant] You're right. It does sound like you, though.


[User] What exactly did Cuddy tell you?

[Assistant] Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So, what was the plan? That I'd feel so humble by missing a case that I'd reevaluate my entire life, question nature, truth, and goodness and become Cameron?


[User] Something like that. More that if we told you the truth; that you'd solved the case based on absolutely no medical proof, that you'd think you were God. And I was worried your wings would melt.

[Assistant] God doesn't limp. [House leaves and Wilson looks very, very tired.]


[User] You're not gonna make this easy, are you? [He picks up a syringe.] Unfortunately; as much as I admire your spirit, je ne sais rien.

[Assistant] 71 year old cancer research specialist. Minor tremors, localized melanoma removed 2 years ago, cataracts. And he can't breathe. Also, disregard the facial lacerations. They're creepy, but unfortunately irrelevant. [He winks.] Don't you wanna know why?


[User] You! have your cane.

[Assistant] No, why the lacerations are creepy. He was about to dissect one of his lab rats when he collapsed. The little vermin seized the day, so to speak and went mEdieval on his ass. [The Ducklings stare at him with frowns.] What, my fly open?


[User] So the! the pain's returned.

[Assistant] There was no pain, he was unconscious. I'm guessing, because he wasn't able to breathe.


[User] We're talking about you.

[Assistant] Obviously. I'm obviously not. What is it with you people? I don't use the cane, you're shocked. I use the cane!


[User] We're just concerned.

[Assistant] About the wrong person. I can breathe. Ezra Powell on the other hand, is gonna die.


[User] The researcher? The guy who wrote that textbook?

[Assistant] *That* textbook, THE textbook.


[User] Wait - there's actually another doctor you admire?

[Assistant] I! admire lots of doctors. 'Course most of them look a lot better in knee socks than Ezra Powell, but seeing as they can all breathe.


[User] So's his EKG, it's not his heart.

[Assistant] You're being too nice. [He looks up at them.] Outside the hospital he can't breathe, inside the hospital he can. Means we help, at least enough to screw with our test results. The source of the pRoblem's either in his heart or his lungs. So all we gotta do is stop helping, put a little pressure on him, and see which gives out first.


[User] At 71, we get his heart or lungs to give out we might not get 'em to give in again.

[Assistant] That's why we're gonna do it in a hospital. Put him on an incline treadmill and do a stress EKG. [He grabs a donut and limps into his office with the cane.]


[User] Stop, this isn't working.

[Assistant] His heart rate barely got above 90.


[User] He can't run, he can hardly walk.

[Assistant] It's 'cause he's not trying hard enough. If he was, his heart rate would go up.


[User] Exercising with a lung full of your own bodily fluids tends to hurt.

[Assistant] They don't call it a stress test for nothing. Do it again.


[User] You don't need a $400 handbag.

[Assistant] It's kinda hard to check your throat when you're flapping your gums around.


[User] What's that?

[Assistant] Cold. [He hands him the slip of paper.] Take this 4 times a day, and stay off airplanes. Flying cesspools.


[User] Dr. House!

[Assistant] Please don't get up. I'm sure you're very busy. [He gets a syringe from a cart.] I'm just gonna try and speed things up a little.


[User] No, he's right, let him -- let him do it.

[Assistant] See? That's why he doesn't have to wear knee socks.


[User] He can't breathe.

[Assistant] 130. [Powell looks scared, and like he can't breathe.] The magic number. Nothing here. Foreman?


[User] Still no sign of blockage.

[Assistant] Which means it's not the heart. So it must be the lungs. [Goes over to the cart to put the syringe down, not to get another syringe to calm the guy.] See? That wasn't so hard, was it?


[User] He's thought this through; it's not an impulsive decision.

[Assistant] Neither is mine. He's depressed. He'll feel much better after we cure him.


[User] He's seen all the tests we've seen. Even if we figure out what was causing the lung damage, it's too late to rEverse it.

[Assistant] You can't know that without knowing what's wrong.


[User] Whose side are you on, senator? First respect his wishes, then invade Iraq, then get the troops home. Make up your mind.

[Assistant] Wow. [The ducklings snap to attention.] Certainly a lot of interesting things to consider. Stress EKG rules out the heart, which means something's gotta be attacking his lungs. Mycoplasmas or strep pneumo, which pRobably means it's too late to do anything about it. We could try levofloxacin.


[User] Coming up with a new treatment isn't gonna do us any good unless we convince him it's worth trying.

[Assistant] Oh, come on. He's old, and sick, and tiny. We can do whatEver we want to him.


[User] You're wasting your time. There must be other Patients you could actually help.

[Assistant] No, all services rendered on a first-come, first-served basis.


[User] House, you're hurting him.

[Assistant] You're hurting me. [They let go, Powell begins to cough, spitting out the meter.] Fine; you don't help us, we don't help you. [House faces him and speaks slowly.] Your lungs slowly fill with fluid. You gasp to catch Every breath but nEver can. Every breath is petrifying. It'll be slow, painful; torturous.


[User] We don't choose our birth, and we don't choose our death.

[Assistant] What if you could? How 'bout we make a deal? Give me one more day. If I don't find out exactly what's wrong with you by then, I help you die.


[User] House! [Foreman shakes his head.]

[Assistant] 24 hours. Come on, it's not gonna kill you.


[User] You canNOT help him kill himself.

[Assistant] Of course I can. Chase says we do it all the time. [Chase rolls his eyes.]


[User] Cuddy's not gonna let you!

[Assistant] Enough! You don't want me to kill him. Fine. Here's a big shock; I don't wanna kill him either. How do I not kill him? By you guys doing your job. We have 24 hours to figure out what's wrong with him. [ImPatiently waiting for ideas from the ducklings.] Tick tock, tick tock.


[User] I'll draw cultures. Pneumonia; should be bacteria in his blood.

[Assistant] It's gonna take longer than 24 hours.


[User] Not if I spin down the sample. Separate off the buffy coat, then gram stain for bacteria.

[Assistant] [Nods.] Great. Do an Amylase, D-dimer, C-reactive peptide, get a urine, and do a bronParkal sputum while you're at it. [He indiCates Cameron.] You check his home and lab for radiation and toxins. [He indiCates Foreman.] And do a bone marrow biopsy.


[User] All of that in 24 hours?

[Assistant] Nah. WhatEver you don't get done you can finish at the autopsy.


[User] Purple dye on my fingers.

[Assistant] What'd the bone marrow biopsy show?


[User] Don't have the results.

[Assistant] What? What've you been doing all night?


[User] Who's that?

[Assistant] Your prot�g�. What are these?


[User] Dictation tapes. He records Everything.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because he's a diligent researcher?

[Assistant] Or he's losing his memory.


[User] A lot of people dictate their notes.

[Assistant] Yes, we could assume that, and we'd have nothing. Or we could assume it's a symptom, in which case whatEver's in his lungs, is also in his brain. Unless you got something more promising.


[User] I'll go get an MRI of his head.

[Assistant] Keep testing 'til you find something. I'm going to my office to rest for awhile. [They all glare after him.]


[User] No abnormal nuclei means no leukemia; he a drinker?

[Assistant] Not according to the history.


[User] Which means yes, he drinks, which gives us a nice mundane explanation for the acellularity.

[Assistant] Or he's telling the truth. Which means fungus is still on the table.


[User] But your entire view of huMan nature gets destroyed. [He shrugs.] Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

[Assistant] Bad news fast. Good news you can take your time.


[User] Head is clean. You were wrong, his faculties are intact.

[Assistant] Too bad. If his brain was addled, we wouldn't have to listen to anything he says.


[User] It's 4 o'clock; we have nothing to tell him.

[Assistant] Then we have no reason to talk to him. We still haven't ruled out fungus.


[User] Yup, we have. No buds, no hyphae.

[Assistant] [Sighs.] Okay. Next procedure; we sneak in, turn back the clock. [Wilson smiles, Cameron looks forlorn.]


[User] Whole team. Must [Coughs.] be bad news.

[Assistant] Nope. Bone marrow biopsy rEvealed multiple myeloma. [Chase and Foreman exchange looks.] It's not good news, but there are some treatments. [Cameron is staring at House] We have to draw some blood!


[User] What about my breathing?

[Assistant] Associated hyperviscosity syndrome; gummed up the blood vessels in your lungs.


[User] Dr. Chase said my calcium is normal.

[Assistant] Mm. We call him Dr. Idiot. [Chase rolls his eyes, Foreman crosses his arms.]


[User] There's no M-protein in my urine.

[Assistant] Odd presentation.


[User] So odd that Dr. Cameron doesn't beliEve it either. [House turns and glares at her.]

[Assistant] Just give me 12 more hours.


[User] We had a deal. No more tests.

[Assistant] Fair enough. Give me six more hours. [Powell purses his lips.] Listen; there is no evidence that you are terminal.


[User] You a Man of your word or not?

[Assistant] No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.


[User] Nowhere.

[Assistant] Everybody who can walk should get outta here. [House takes morphine and a syringe out of the kit.]


[User] You can't do that.

[Assistant] Can't do what? Administer a prescription painkiller to a Patient who's in pain? Go. Make sure somebody sees you downstairs in the cafeteria.


[User] No it's about whether you die or we murder you.

[Assistant] [Holding up syringe, while talking to Foreman.] What's gonna happen here is that someone's getting a butt-load of morphine. I'm not sure exactly who at this point. [Foreman takes a moment to think it over, and then leaves the room in a huff.]


[User] [Quietly, to House.] Thank you. [House gives a quick nod.] I've always wondered exactly what was on the other side.

[Assistant] Nothing. [House injects the morphine into Ezra's IV. Ezra flatlines. House and Chase stand there solemnly for a few moments. Then House looks at his watch. House grabs the bed and pulls it away from the wall.]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Getting a laryngoscope. [House grabs a laryngoscope.] Don't just stand there, help.


[User] But you told him "�

[Assistant] [Interrupting.] Yeah. A little something I like to call a lie. Bad I know, but it's way further down the list than murder. [He intubates Ezra and starts to pump the ambu bag.] He's unconscious. No more whining. I'm gonna keep testing him. [Chase looks confused and indignant.] Go get a ventilator, not gonna do this all night. We can legally assume that he'd consent to whatEver a reasonable person would consent to. [Cut to House's office.]


[User] And a reasonable person would obviously consent to being put in a coma against their will just to satisfy your curiosity.

[Assistant] [Fake exasperation with a *hint* of real exasperation.] I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him you're mad.


[User] All he wanted was some dignity.

[Assistant] Were you in that room with him? Was he wearing a tux while he was choking on his own plasma? Keep doing the tests. Take your time, do it right. Go. [Turns to look at the MRI.] Get to work. [House studies the MRI for a couple of seconds, obviously expecting the ducklings to go do his bidding.] Wait! [He turns in his chair. Ducklings haven't moved, and House is a twinge embarrassed for yelling, but tries not to let it show.] Cameron, why'd you do these cuts so far down on this MRI of his head?


[User] I wanted to get his brain-stem and his C-spine, make sure his diaphragm wasn't paralyzed.

[Assistant] You also caught the top of his lungs. There's scarring. [Cameron is staring at him.] You do know that you can't really pierce me with your stares.


[User] Or Lupus.

[Assistant] He can kill himself after we get him better. Start him on an IVIG for the Lupus, and get a colonoscopy. Lupus could be hiding there.


[User] I can't do this. [She leaves.]

[Assistant] Drama queen.


[User] I don't think she's gonna have a pRoblem deciding what to tell Cuddy. [Ezra's heart monitor starts beeping.] O2 sats 89 and dropping.

[Assistant] Thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.


[User] [Sighs.] I'm not pregnant. I heard about your little stunt with Dr. Powell.

[Assistant] [Makes a drawn out whining sound.] Not really a stunt. More of a trick, a ruse, a hoodwink.


[User] A lie.

[Assistant] Ok. Lying is sometimes good, right? Like when you're trying to teach someone a lesson about humility, or something. All I'm trying to do is save his life. He's not gonna learn anything; I just thought the same principle might apply.


[User] It does.

[Assistant] I coulda just let him die.


[User] Not gonna get sued for keeping him alive.

[Assistant] Well, we could; we completely disregarded his wishes.


[User] Do you want me to disagree with you? [Turns to House, they stop walking. Sarcastically.] Want me to yell at you?

[Assistant] It is comforting.


[User] We're doctors: We treat Patients, we don't kill them.

[Assistant] [Raises voice, speaking into her lapel pin as though it is a microphone.] How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our Patients, either.


[User] I'm sorry about your leg.

[Assistant] Yeah. [Walks away.] We really should spend some time talking about that. [Cuddy sighs.]


[User] The IVIG made him worse. O2 stats plummeted.

[Assistant] [Sighs.] So we know it's not Lupus. What else could it be?


[User] Idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis.

[Assistant] Gonna need an open lung biopsy to confirm. [House goes into a lounge; Chase and Foreman follow.]


[User] So, now we're going to operate on the guy?

[Assistant] Unless you've invented a new way of doing an open lung biopsy. When you searched Dr. Powell's office, did you find a copy of the January, 1967 Massachusetts Medical Journal?


[User] Why?

[Assistant] I just figured, if you're not doing any work, you might like something to pass the time. Centerfold's a killer. [House walks away, leaving Cameron curious.] [Fake cheering of an audience. Wilson enters.]


[User] How's your leg?

[Assistant] It hurts. [Sighs.] It's gonna keep on hurting. You gonna keep on asking?


[User] How's Ezra Powell?

[Assistant] Resting comfortably.


[User] Hmm, that's not what Cameron says.

[Assistant] I hate practicing medicine in high school.


[User] He's not asking you to help him kill himself; he's just asking for help. The disease will kill him.

[Assistant] I know what he was asking for; I just said 'no'.


[User] You've done it before. Plenty of times.

[Assistant] To Patients that I knew were terminal.


[User] [Annoyed.] Oh, give me a break. This has nothing to do with saving a life; you just can't bear the thought of a Patient dying before you've been able to figure out why.

[Assistant] If we're gonna keep refusing to cure Patients just to rein in my ego then we might start having a little pRoblem with Patient recruitment. [House's pager goes off.]


[User] [Snidely.] Worried about meeting your one Patient a week quota?

[Assistant] [Leaving.] I'm a cripple, remember. Accommodations must be made.


[User] Why'd you have me look up that article?

[Assistant] Didn't you find it interesting?


[User] He injected newborn babies with radioactive agents just to see if they had urethral reflux.

[Assistant] He was curious.


[User] He didn't Even tell their parents he was doing an experiment.

[Assistant] He wasn't doing anything his peers weren't doing.


[User] His peers at Tuskegee and Willowbrook?!

[Assistant] He ignored the rights of the few to save Many.


[User] So you're okay with what he did.

[Assistant] Doesn't matter what I think. It's what you think that's relevant.


[User] Because, if I think less of him, I'll help you more? You're wrong. The fact that a Patient did bad things doesn't change anything. He still deserves to have some control over his own body.

[Assistant] If he had control of his own body, he'd be dead.


[User] Some control. We can withhold treatment without killing him.

[Assistant] No you can't! You either help him live, or you help him die; you can't have it both ways. [Chase looks up at House from the operating room and shakes his head.] Well I guess it's not IPF. [Ezra's heart monitor starts beeping.] Well, maybe he'll die right now. Make Everything easy for all of us. [He leaves and Cameron is alone in the observation room.]


[User] BP's low. [House takes stethoscope from random surgeon, then checks Ezra with it.]

[Assistant] No breath sounds on the right side; he's dropped his right lung. [Removes stethoscope.] Air's building up in his chest, compressing his heart. [House makes an incision in Ezra, and places a chest tube in him, which re-inflates the lung.]


[User] What are you doing? [House prods Ezra's left foot, and it twitches.]

[Assistant] Withdraws from pain stimuli on the left side, but not the right.


[User] Those are just reflex arcs; he's under anesthesia.

[Assistant] Or he's lost sensation in some places.


[User] Or the hypoxia from the arrest stunned his CNS.

[Assistant] Only one way to tell. Do some ATA sensory evoked potentials.


[User] We can't do that while he's in a coma.

[Assistant] Only two ways to tell. Get a hammer and check his deep tendon reflexes.


[User] Won't work. He needs muscle relaxants to be on the ventilator.

[Assistant] [Long blink, thinking.] Only one more way to tell. Pupillary reflexes.


[User] All that tests is the brainstem.

[Assistant] See, I was right; only one way to tell. Do some ATA sensory evoked potentials.


[User] I just said we can't do that while he's in a coma.

[Assistant] So wake him up. [House leaves.] Don't go towards the light. You'll fall and break your hip.


[User] What's happening? I --

[Assistant] You took a little nap.


[User] No, I! I told you I didn't want --

[Assistant] [Interrupting.] Sorry, little deaf in one ear. Your bone marrow was hypocellular; we ruled out lupus and pulmonary fibrosis, but it looks like it could be attacking your nerves.


[User] So, this is all a waste, a huge fail! [Gasps.] failure. Impossible, you're Gregory House.

[Assistant] We need to attach some sensors to your skin.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Look, we can't do what you want; we've assigned a nurse to watch you so you can't do it either. So, you might as well just let us do the test.


[User] Then take them out!

[Assistant] Oh, get over yourself. The ventilator puffed up your lungs; you'll be fine for a few hours. Just let us run the tests. [Ezra rips off some leads that were attached to him.] Ok. But first, let's clean you up a little. [He grabs a glass of water and splashes a few drops of it on Ezra's chest.] That feel nice?


[User] [Curious.] What are you trying to prove?

[Assistant] Just cleaning him up. What's it look like? [He walks over to the end of Ezra's bed, lifts up the sheet and sticks his head behind it.] Pay no attention to the Man behind the curtain. House runs his thumb down Ezra's right foot, and there is no reaction. He does the same to his left, and this time the foot twitches.]


[User] Get out!

[Assistant] Okay, I'm going already. Can't you see I'm a cripple? [House leaves.]


[User] Ok, so you got me curious.

[Assistant] I was right; whatEver is attacking his lungs is attacking his nerves.


[User] You got that by splashing ice water on him?

[Assistant] No sensation in the left leg, abdomen, right arm. Technology's overrated.


[User] That means the clean MRI of his brain means it's just affecting the peripheral nerves.

[Assistant] And bone marrow.


[User] Or sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] All potentially treatable. Question is which. We need to catch the little bastards in the act. What's the largest organ?


[User] Skin.

[Assistant] We need to get a piece. [House leaves them standing there.]


[User] Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in, and take a piece. [Chase snickers.]

[Assistant] I want you to get a skin sample for a biopsy.


[User] And I wanna get a foot massage from Johnny Damon.

[Assistant] [Walking towards the desk.] Kawasaki's disease, lymphoma, and sarcoidosis are all treatable.


[User] And it could be a hundred other things that aren't treatable. You have no idea.

[Assistant] But you do; you know Everything.


[User] I didn't say that I -

[Assistant] [Slams cane down on desk.] Exactly! You can't decide if we're helping or hurting him; if he's good or bad; or if you want paper, plastic, or a burlap sack. Do your damn job. [House starts to leave.]


[User] I'm not gonna lie to him.

[Assistant] Fine, tell the truth. Just get me a pound of flesh.


[User] Dr. House? [House looks over in surprise.] Hi, how are you?

[Assistant] Not as good as you think I am.


[User] Don't worry, I'm not stalking you. My dad just lost his medicine; he had to come back for another prescription.

[Assistant] Yeah, right. He's moving it on the street, isn't he?


[User] Why haven't you returned any of my calls?

[Assistant] [He stops and thinks.] I plan to. In a couple of years.


[User] I was just calling to say 'thank you.' And to tell you how impressed I was; you diagnosed my dad by just looking at him.

[Assistant] Felt his glands, too. [Ali gives a slight laugh.]


[User] Oh, there's my dad; I gotta go.

[Assistant] Yeah. Me too.


[User] [At a microscope as House enters.] It's not Kawasaki's, either. What's next?

[Assistant] Congo red.


[User] Amyloidosis?

[Assistant] What the hell else would I mean by 'Congo red?'


[User] There's no reason for it to be on the list.

[Assistant] An abnormal protein is building up inside the cells of his body; shutting down his organs one by one. Explains Everything; the infiltrates on the x-ray, the bone marrow, kidney failure.


[User] We rejected Amyloidosis, because it didn't fit the first symptom we found. It would affect his heart.

[Assistant] It did.


[User] It wasn't on the stress test.

[Assistant] We didn't push him hard enough. [To Chase.] Add the stain; let's find out.


[User] Congo red added.

[Assistant] Change the polarization of the light, already. [Results confirm that it is Amyloidosis.]


[User] How the hell you pull that out of --

[Assistant] [Interrupting.] Not outta mine. I had a muse.


[User] Dr. House.

[Assistant] You have Amyloidosis; it's in your lungs, kidneys, bone marrow, and brain.


[User] Why should I beliEve you now?

[Assistant] If I was lying, I wouldn't tell you the subtype is AA. It's terminal.


[User] Ezra Powell passed away last night. I'm sure you already knew about that.

[Assistant] [Shakes his head a little.] No. I just got in.


[User] The nurse charted at 2 AM; he was stable. Breathing labored, but regular. And at 2:30 he suddenly stopped. [House is thinking.] You know anything about that?

[Assistant] If I did, would you really wanna know? [Cuddy nods and then leaves.] [Puts his hand on her shoulder.] I'm proud of you.


[User] That's impossible, it's mac and cheese.

[Assistant] 10-yr-old boy screams for his life for no reason.


[User] He's autistic, sEverely autistic. Can't talk, can't make eye contact. Screaming's pRobably his way of communicating.

[Assistant] And he went to 3 different doctors who all said just that.


[User] Wow, so clearly that can't be the answer. His brain can't filter information, it's a constant assault on his senses I'd scream too.

[Assistant] Or it's something medical sounding like dysesthesia. Parents are convinced that there's something wrong with their son. [He suddenly walks out of the office; the Ducklings quickly get up and follow him.]


[User] Since when do we start believing parents? Or anyone? Where are we going?

[Assistant] Elevator. [He presses the button and waits for it.] Dad was on Wall Street, mom was a partner in an accounting firm, when their son was diagnosed with autism they both quit.


[User] So they're overprotective and scared, that's all the more reason to--

[Assistant] They've studied this kid, heard him scream a million times. Did 10 years of caring for him, this is the first time they've brought him to a hospital.


[User] ER said the heart was fine.

[Assistant] Don't be so quick to dismiss pain.


[User] Where are we going?

[Assistant] Down. Stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection and ANA for lupus.


[User] Could also be an environmental reaction; an allergy, dust, wheat, pollen, a toxin.

[Assistant] Check the House. Run a lung ventilation scan. Lungs are in the chest too, right?


[User] I had a date last night, she screamed. Should we spend a 100,000 dollars testing her?

[Assistant] Of course not, this isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing! [He pushes the door open into the clinic.] Look, if you don't think this kid is worth saving--


[User] That's not what I'm saying!

[Assistant] Well that's too bad, it's a good point. Kid's just a lump with tonsils. You know what it's going to be like trying to put an autistic kid into a nuclear scanner? I don't envy you guys. [He opens the door to Cuddy's office and leaves them to their job.] I want my old carpet back. [He bangs his cane on to her desk, she's on the phone.]


[User] Err; we're going to have to do this later. A kid in the clinic had an accident. [She puts the phone down.] Generally when people are on the phone--

[Assistant] I want my old carpet back.


[User] It was stained, with blood.

[Assistant] Yeah, my blood. Which makes the carpet part of me, I want it back. I want to be buried with it.


[User] You think you can get me to do anything you want regardless of how stupid it is?

[Assistant] It's my office; it's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRIs and low-cut tops. I want it back the way it was.


[User] It's identical to the old carpet, except without the hazardous biological waste.

[Assistant] I shall not return to my office until Every patented durable microfibre has been restored to its rightful place.


[User] Inspiring. [She puts up her feet on the desk.] If you don't want to work in your office, work in the clinic. You don't want to work in the clinic, go home and don't get paid.

[Assistant] [Banging on the floor with his cane.] Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! [Stops banging the cane and looks at her.] Attica?


[User] Hey doctor House.

[Assistant] Hello girl whose name I don't remember but whose dad I treated so I don't really know why she's here.


[User] Ali. Umm... I think I caught what my dad has. The rhino thing.

[Assistant] Right. [He presses two fingers into two spots on her forehead.] Does that hurt?


[User] A little. It's in my chest too.

[Assistant] Of course it is. [He puts the earpieces of the stethoscope back into his ear as she unzips her shirt... she doesn't have anything on underneath. House's jaw drops and he goes rather wide-eyed.] Kinda had access through the shirt, this'll work. [He listens to her heart.]


[User] That feels good.

[Assistant] Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17-yr-old boys?


[User] The ventilation scan was normal, time to send him home.

[Assistant] Can't leave right now. [Turns back to Ali.] Well congratulations, you are the proud owner of your very own rhino thing.


[User] A rhinovirus? You can't leave because she has a cold?

[Assistant] Can't leave because Cuddy says I can't leave.


[User] Hey, don't start with me. We're backed up.

[Assistant] I know this is hard for all of us but thanks to doctor Cuddy I don't have an office so I have to work here.


[User] What'd she do to your office?

[Assistant] It's unusable. So, whatEver's bothering him it wasn't his lungs. What about the kid's House?


[User] Which means there's nothing physically wrong with this kid.

[Assistant] We already had that discussion. Did we get a fecal smear? [He purposely says the last bit louder to ick out the people in the clinic.]


[User] Should we do this some place else?

[Assistant] Nope, Cuddy says I have to work here.


[User] [Walking out of her office.] No, I said you can work in your office or you had to work here.

[Assistant] And since I can't work in my office.


[User] Is this your master plan? Disrupt hospital business until I replace your carpet?

[Assistant] Devious. Saw it in a James Bond movie. [Raising the volume.] Fecal smear, talk to me!


[User] Get out of here.

[Assistant] Put back my carpet?


[User] No! Get out of here!

[Assistant] Fecal matter, is there a sample we can look at?


[User] Do what you want, not replacing your carpet. [She smiles in victory and struts back into her office.]

[Assistant] Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, I kinda feel like a bagel. [He walks out of the clinic.]


[User] Adam!

[Assistant] So what makes fluid fill the lining of a kid's lungs?


[User] Why are we in here? This is some sort of power play?

[Assistant] Yeah. So you stuck your finger in the kid and gave him a pleural effusion. [He moves stuff off the edge of Wilson's desk so he can perch on it.] You Ever considered getting a Manicure?


[User] Or do you really have a pRoblem with the carpeting? Change sets you off--

[Assistant] I said it was a power play, someone answers yes to option A, you don't move on to option B.


[User] Why now? Why a power play now?

[Assistant] I smelled weakness. Get the kid an echocardiogram. [He starts playing with the Zen garden on Wilson's desk when Wilson enters his office. He looks confused at seeing the team in there, the Ducklings look slightly embarrassed. Wilson looks at the name on his door.]


[User] That's funny; it says Wilson, what a strange typo.

[Assistant] The fluid comes back in exudate; get him on broad spectrum antibiotics.


[User] No pRoblem.

[Assistant] Thought you wouldn't mind sharing offices for a while.


[User] You share stories, feelings... toys. You don't share offices.

[Assistant] That is so not Zen.


[User] It was a gift, some doctors get those.

[Assistant] So you want mornings or afternoons?


[User] [Hangs up his lab coat.] You couldn't make Cuddy miserable so you're going to make me miserable so I can make Cuddy miserable on your behalf?

[Assistant] Yep.


[User] What makes you think I can make her miserable? [Starts rolling up his sleEves.]

[Assistant] Because you're good at that stuff.


[User] Ohhh, I'm nothing compared to you.

[Assistant] [Picks up a random toy.] Is there anything you'll throw out?


[User] That's a gift from an 11-yr-old Patient of mine, she and I both knew it was a piece of junk and that's what made her laugh.

[Assistant] So you gotta keep it until she! [He draws his hand across his neck and makes an execution sound.]


[User] What are you doing here? I have this room booked from 2 to 3.

[Assistant] [Turns around and feigns surprise.] Oh, 2 East coast time? [Cameron looks resigned.] I thought you meant Pacific, which is stupid of me I guess. [The Ducklings start to get up.] What about parasites?


[User] It's 2 o' clock.

[Assistant] Oh well, we should go then. [Ducklings are about to get up again.] That just leaves cancer. Get a lung biopsy.


[User] It took a half an hour to get a mask on the kid for the lung scan!

[Assistant] Well I'm sorry, was there somewhere you needed to be?


[User] House, can we talk?

[Assistant] Carpet?


[User] NEver.

[Assistant] Nothing to talk about.


[User] Your girlfriend called the clinic 15 times looking for you today.

[Assistant] Huh. A lot to discuss, Parkna patterns--


[User] House, she's a stalker.

[Assistant] Right, couldn't be that she finds me interesting and attractive. Has to be that she's insane.


[User] She's called you 15 times; your mother's not that interested in you.

[Assistant] Well maybe I'd be better adjusted if she was.


[User] I'm notifying security.

[Assistant] Is this about the carpet? Do you think I'll back off if you block all my fun?


[User] You better not be having fun!

[Assistant] I'm having fun. I'm not having sex.


[User] She's dangerous!

[Assistant] She's not dangerous.


[User] She's pretty.

[Assistant] She's pretty.


[User] Men are stupid.

[Assistant] I'm with you so far.


[User] I'm notifying security.

[Assistant] Oh, give her a break, she's not dangerous, she's... insightful. [Cuddy walks away and back into the meeting room. House presses himself up against the glass of the door and shouts into the room at all the business men and Cuddy.] You can't stop our love! [The business men are startled; Cuddy gives an embarrassed smile in response. House looks smug.]


[User] Still, just to be safe, you mind? [Wilson shakes his head.]

[Assistant] For the love of god, can't somebody shut that kid up? Got people trying to work around here. [To Wilson.] Why don't you show him a teddy bear or something?


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] Somebody you'll nEver send a gift to.


[User] This is doctor House, your son's doctor.

[Assistant] [He picks up the gas mask.] High test please. [To Adam.] Hey, hey, hey! [He puts the mask to his own nose and starts loudly breathing from it for Adam to see.]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Eating the red berries. [He keeps breathing from the mask and then tries to put the mask on Adam's nose and mouth. Adam isn't fighting as hard against it but is still protesting. House looks very high and keeps blinking a lot. He breaths from the mask again and then tries it on Adam. This time Adam accepts and is knocked out in a couple of seconds.]


[User] He trusted you.

[Assistant] No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation.


[User] No, that was huge. It was like a conversation.

[Assistant] [Tries to get up and unsteadily hangs on to the overhanging lights.] Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do, that's all it was. Your kid's still just as messed up as when we admitted him.


[User] That was sensitive.

[Assistant] You have pretty hair.


[User] Hope is all those parents have going for them.

[Assistant] No, hope is what's making them miserable. What they should do is get a cocker spaniel. A dog would look them in the eye, wag his tail when he's happy, lick their face, show them love.


[User] Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal Parkld? It's normal to want to be normal.

[Assistant] Spoken like a true circle queen. See skinny socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle, and Everyone inside the circle is normal, anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized or worse, pitied.


[User] So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?

[Assistant] Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don't pity this kid, I envy him.


[User] Liver cells.

[Assistant] Wow. Liver cells under his arm. I wonder what he's got where his liver's supposed to be. Anyone got a clue how liver cells got into the kid's armpit? Make yourself at home. So, think maybe Gray's Anatomy got it all wrong?


[User] But we're not talking about cancer cells.

[Assistant] So what's the difference between cancer cells and liver cells, why can one pass through walls but the other can't?


[User] Cancer cells are damaged lets them go into blood vessels, go wherEver they want.

[Assistant] So if the liver cells are damaged...


[User] Liver isn't damaged. The tests were normal.

[Assistant] So if the liver cells are damaged -- it's theoretically possible to pass into the lymphatic system. Liver failure could also explain pleural effusion, Even the heart issues.


[User] Liver cells are fine, he was immunized for Hep A and B and do you really think this kid is having unprotected sex or sharing needles?

[Assistant] Hmm, daddy does seem the type to use a rubber. So it's not viral. [He gets up and starts pacing.] Just leaves a lot of boozerosis.


[User] House, when we echoed his heart we got a piece of his liver, there was no scarring.

[Assistant] Cirrhosis explains the symptoms; heart pRoblems, lungs.


[User] Parents aren't doing or dosing this kid.

[Assistant] How would you know that? Kid can't talk. Why'd you think I took this case? He's not going to give away the ending.


[User] They quit their jobs for him.

[Assistant] Yes, they are Everything you'd want in a parent. Unfortunately their kid is nothing you'd want. When a baby is born, it's perfect; little fingers, little toes, plump, perfect, pink, and brimming with unbridled potential. Then it's downhill, some hills steeper than others. Parents get off on their kid's accomplishments. [House picks up one of Wilson's toys which then says "Bend over and relax".] Cute! They'll annoy you with trophy rooms and report cards. Hell they'll Even show you a purple cow and tell you what a keen eye for color their kid has. [Wilson bursts into the office, looks annoyed and walks back out again.] But this kid, he doesn't smile, he doesn't hug them, he doesn't laugh. His parents get nothing, the right to brag that their kid picked orange juice out of a line-up.


[User] So you figure they slipped the kid a mickey so they don't have to deal.

[Assistant] Do a biopsy to confirm cirrhosis and don't try and pawn it off on Wilson, he's going to be busy with Cuddy. My parents love me unconditionally. Get out of here.


[User] Not doing it. [She continues walking down leaving a disappointed Wilson.]

[Assistant] Liver biopsy?


[User] They're doing it now.

[Assistant] How's it going?


[User] Like a biopsy; needles, cells, screaming.

[Assistant] What'd you find in the stool sample?


[User] You were too busy bothering Cuddy, as discussed it was negative for parasites. Can we get out of here?

[Assistant] I didn't ask what you didn't find; I asked what you did find in the stool sample.


[User] Stool. And traces of iron, zinc, calcium carbonate, can we leave?

[Assistant] What's the matter? You afraid of the Man? Uh oh, too late.


[User] Leave my stuff alone!

[Assistant] You're meeting with a Guggenheim in 15 minutes wearing that?


[User] I'm going to count to 3 and then, I'm going to fire you. One.

[Assistant] Calcium carbonate, that's uhh... antidiarrheal, right?


[User] Two.

[Assistant] Think that's significant? Think hard poops are significant? [Turns back to Cuddy.] Two and a half? NEver threaten unless you're ready to deliver, makes you look weak. Thank god you don't have Parkldren.


[User] Doctor Cuddy.

[Assistant] Take a message.


[User] Your Patient is being rushed to cardiac ICU.

[Assistant] Wow, that's like the one thing that would get me out of here.


[User] He's stable for the moment, first degree atrioventricular block.

[Assistant] Okay, what else do we know?


[User] Biopsy was negative for cirrhosis. Parents didn't poison their son.

[Assistant] It's not his liver, his heart or his lungs. The calcium carbonate in his stool.


[User] He's constipated, parents pRobably just overdid it.

[Assistant] Or they didn't do it at all. Calcium carbonate's also what's in chalk.


[User] So he ate some chalk, it isn't toxic, sure didn't cause the pleural effusion.

[Assistant] Forget the chalk.


[User] You just said it was about the chalk.

[Assistant] Yes, and then I said forget the chalk, you must be very confused. This kid's got pica. Take him to a buffet he's going to eat the table.


[User] LEvel of lead in the blood was normal. His tox screen was clean.

[Assistant] We're not looking for typical poisons we're looking for anything that he can put in his mouth; matches, spiders, bricks.


[User] Pressure-treated wood used to contain arsenic.

[Assistant] Even better. [To Foreman.] Hansel, get samples of the gingerbread House; bag Everything.


[User] Hey.

[Assistant] You can get into a lot of trouble being here.


[User] I wanted to see you.

[Assistant] Yeah, I got that. So did Everyone else, they think you're a stalker.


[User] One could argue those people might be jealous of your attention.

[Assistant] Yes I actually made that argument.


[User] You going home?

[Assistant] That's the plan.


[User] In Iceland the age of consent is 14.

[Assistant] I'm surprised that tourism isn't a bigger industry up there.


[User] So today I'm jailbait but in 22 weeks anybody can do anything to me. Will I be so different in 22 weeks?

[Assistant] 22 weeks is enough for an embryo to grow arms and legs.


[User] It's just a line; an arbitrary line drawn by a bunch of sad old men in Robes.

[Assistant] Yeah, who cares what Judges think.


[User] Didn't think of you as a guy who followed rules just because they were rules.

[Assistant] You are over 10 years younger than me. [Ali makes a face.] I said over. Gotta go!


[User] House.

[Assistant] Doctor Cuddy, do you happen to know the way to the Icelandic consulate? This young Woman, a stranger to me, was just asking directions.


[User] Security was going to call the police; I don't want to do that to you. Go home.

[Assistant] She needed a ride.


[User] She got here on her own she can get home on her own. Now! [Ali grudgingly gets off House's bike.] And if I see you on hospital grounds again, I will call the police.

[Assistant] After that look I'm feeling a little frisky, looks like you're up.


[User] I'm ovulating, let's go.

[Assistant] The frisky it went away.


[User] House, this isn't a game.

[Assistant] If I leave her alone can I have my carpet back?


[User] No.

[Assistant] If I forget about my carpet can I have her?


[User] Meeting here will do nothing to upset Cuddy.

[Assistant] I'm not trying to upset Cuddy; I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with the Patient. Continue.


[User] Jimson weed doesn't explain the screaming.

[Assistant] You've obviously nEver had a bad trip.


[User] I would have thought you'd try to accomplish two goals at once.

[Assistant] Why can't you be more like the other age inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me. Continue.


[User] He won't survive 3 days.

[Assistant] What time does he wake up?


[User] 7.35am.

[Assistant] Then what? Walk me through it.


[User] 7.40 - 7.50 he goes to the toilet, washes his face, what does this matter?

[Assistant] I'm trying to prove he ate the plant.


[User] His schedule has nothing to do with Jimson weed.

[Assistant] There are two possibilities, either the parents saw him eat the plant or the kid has unsupervised time and eats plants instead of playing blocks.


[User] Even if you find 15 minutes of free time outside doesn't mean he spent it eating a bush.

[Assistant] So what do we do? Nothing? Wait for the kid to tell us? What?


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To talk to him. Ever see your son eat a bush?


[User] I've only Ever seen him eat leftover--

[Assistant] Adam! [The boy opens his eyes a little droopily.] Did you eat something at your House, something that made you sick? I need you to show me what you ate. [Adam makes protesting noises.]


[User] He can't answer you.

[Assistant] Neither can you. [House takes one of the learning boards that Adam has and starts sticking pictures on it as he talks to illustrate his point.] This is your backyard; you may know it as Mel's Diner. Here's your sandbox, your jungle gym, under it is this. [He picks up a photo of the Jimson weed and puts it on the board.] I need to know if you ate this, Adam. [Adam isn't really looking and is still making protesting noises.]


[User] He doesn't know what you want.

[Assistant] Adam, you have to tell me because if you don't, [He picks up the PSP and shows the game over screen on it.] it'll be game over, you'll be dead.


[User] What the hell are you doing?

[Assistant] Show me what you ate. Adam! Show me what you ate.


[User] Honey? Adam!

[Assistant] [At the podium in the front of the room, talking in a spot-on Southern accent.] Come on in, brothers and sister. Welcome to the House of the Lord!


[User] House, come on, the chapel?

[Assistant] [One of the strangers leaves. House points to the whiteboard next to him on the podium.] We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother can you testify as to why this poor Parkld's eyeball rolled back into his head? [Uses his cane to point at Chase.]


[User] It's consistent with Jimson weed poisoning, ocular paralysis. [The other stranger gets up to leave.] Sorry.

[Assistant] The wicked shall deceive ye because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots, his ocular muscle didn't paralyze, it pirouetted.


[User] MS.

[Assistant] It is easier for a wise Man to gain access to heaven!


[User] Stroke, bleed in the brain.

[Assistant] [Back to his normal American accent.] We'd be seeing other symptoms besides a single eye misalignment, like a coma, and you've already testified.


[User] It's a micro tumor. Started in his lung which caused the pleural effusion, then it metastasized to his liver which made it slough cells. And then went to his brain behind the eye which caused it to roll back into his head.

[Assistant] So he has 3 tumors and we missed all of them. What's the opposite of a miracle?


[User] I've a better chance of finding it now that I know exactly where to look. So, unless you have a better idea, I'm going to go CT his head and then if I have to, remove his eye.

[Assistant] You remove this kid's eye he's only going to be half as good at not making eye contact.


[User] Hello? Hello? Hello? [House finally looks up.] I have sad news for you. She doesn't love you.

[Assistant] You're ugly when you're jealous.


[User] She showed up at my House last night, came on to me.

[Assistant] She's Even more perfect than I thought.


[User] House! She's sick.

[Assistant] You say sick, I say freestyling.


[User] The girl will have sex with an invertebrate.

[Assistant] Come on, you're not that bad.


[User] She has a pRoblem. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her!

[Assistant] Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?


[User] You don't beliEve me.

[Assistant] I didn't beliEve the kids when they said that Suzie was sleeping with Johnny. Didn't beliEve them then I don't beliEve them now, I don't care that Suzie married Johnny, he's mine.


[User] She has a mole on her right breast just below the nipple.

[Assistant] [Softly.] No she doesn't.


[User] You've seen her breasts?!

[Assistant] It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart; it went "Greg House, Greg House, Greg House".


[User] Fine, I'm lying. But she did come back, she's locked up in my office, I was hoping you could talk to her, put an end to this.

[Assistant] Listen to me; do you have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten we'd both wind up in a jail.


[User] You're only saying that to make me go.

[Assistant] I'm saying it 'coz it's true. Inside of us, we both know that you belong with Victor. [She looks confused.] Is there a Victor in your class? [She shakes her head.] Well if you're not with someone your age, you'll regret it; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.


[User] [Starting to cry.] What about us?

[Assistant] We'll always have Fresno. I'm no good at being noble but it doesn't take much to see that the pRoblems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. [He raises her Parkn.] Now, now, here's looking at you-- [He notices that her tears are milky.] Damn. Was there an earthquake when you were in Fresno?


[User] What?

[Assistant] I ask all my girlfriends that.


[User] Umm... yeah a little one.

[Assistant] Damn.


[User] What? What is it?

[Assistant] It's not love, you have spore in your brain; Coccidioides immitis. California's full of them, they get an earthquake they get released into the air, you breathe it in you get a cold, turns into sinus congestion, aches, weakness, milky tears and sometimes loss of inhibition and judgment. Damn! [He takes up a prescription pad.]


[User] So loving you, wanting to have sex with you is all just the spores talking?

[Assistant] [Hands her a prescription.] You'll pRobably live. Damn! Hey! Don't touch his eye!


[User] This is an appendectomy.

[Assistant] Like I said, don't touch his eye. Why isn't he in surgery?


[User] Some emergency bumped him; we've got another room in 10 minutes.

[Assistant] Better not take him in, kill the lights. [He sits on Adam's bed.] He's seeing them all the time.


[User] What are you looking for?

[Assistant] [Using a light to peer into Adam's pupil.] He's telling us what he's seeing, telling us exactly what was wrong with him, drawing them for us over and over again. Nobody knew how to speak autistic. When I asked him what he ate he Even told me that. [He holds up the picture of the sandbox.]


[User] What are you talking about? What was he seeing?

[Assistant] [Peers into the pupil again and now we can see the squiggly lines Adam was drawing... they're worms.] Hello my pretties. It's not a tumor, Foreman, it's worms swimming in his eye. Animal makes potty in the sandbox, boy plays in the sandbox, boy eats the sand, you can pRobably tell where this is going by now.


[User] Stool samples were negative for parasites.

[Assistant] Raccoon roundworms are not excreted by their huMan host.


[User] Cameron tested the sand.

[Assistant] All of it? Worms spread from his gut to the rest of his body. Attacked his lungs, that's what made him scream and caused the effusion. [CGI of all this as House explains.] Invade his liver sending dead liver cells coursing through his system, it attacked his eye and the muscles surrounding it making his eyeball do a back flip. Laser photo coagulation can fix the eye and high dose of benzimidazole should kill the worms.


[User] Wait a minute, that's it? He's going to be ok?

[Assistant] Good news, he's going to be with you for a long, long time.


[User] You're not autistic; you don't Even have Asperger's. You wish you did, it would exempt you from the rules, give you freedom, absolve you of responsibility, let you date 17-yr-olds. But most important it would mean that you're not just a jerk.

[Assistant] At what point does a person endlessly lecturing someone make him a jerk? [Silence for a while as they watch the family.] First tongue kiss, an 8 on the happiness scale. (Possibly harking back to the scale Wilson was talking about in 3.01 Meaning.) Your Parkld being snatched back from the brink of death, that's a 10. They're clocking in at a very tepid 6.5 because they know what they have to go back to.


[User] You saved his life.

[Assistant] Yeah I know, see ya.


[User] 20-yr-old married African-American female couldn't breathe. Anaphylaxis-like throat-swelling.

[Assistant] Parkldren?


[User] You think pregnancy would explain the--

[Assistant] It explains the marriage. Who the hell gets married at 20?


[User] I'm guessing people in love?

[Assistant] Show me a 20-yr-old who's not in love. You get married at 20 you're going to be shocked at who you're living with at 30. [He looks out the glass wall to find Wilson chatting up a pretty nurse - they seem to be enjoying their conversation and the nurse is laughing at some joke Wilson has made]


[User] Not allergies, negative on the skin test - 4 days of antihistamines and steroids.

[Assistant] Who's he talking to?


[User] What?

[Assistant] It's got an ass, technically that makes it a who.


[User] Uhh... new nurse in Peds. Wendy something. Swelling just started to go down.

[Assistant] You seen her here before?


[User] Swelling's--

[Assistant] You think that's funny, ask him about the time he sabotaged my cane.


[User] There was a point to it. Wendy, this is House.

[Assistant] Something about not getting too uppity with normal folks who walk good.


[User] [grimaces at House] Why so rude?

[Assistant] You sprinted through 3 bad marriages, into an affair with a dying Patient - now a naughty nurse? How Many more failed relationships are we both going to have to deal with before you learn to love yourself? And I mean that in a literal way.


[User] It's amazing how you can not only know it's a relationship but that it's a bad relationship based on nothing but... nothing.

[Assistant] I know you.


[User] I'm not with her, not Even trying.

[Assistant] You're lying to me, that's interesting.


[User] Swelling is--

[Assistant] Why is she hanging out here?


[User] Anyone interesting in what happened with the swelling?

[Assistant] She's in Peds, it's the next wing over.


[User] Clearly he did and Wilson denied it, and House doesn't beliEve him. It's gotta hurt, that's why it pays to have more than one friend, House.

[Assistant] If he's not hitting that then why's she here?


[User] Because I'm hitting that and it's totally hot. [House, Chase and Foreman look at her shocked for a moment] Swelling took 4 days to resolve, Patient has unexplained intensive abdominal pains.

[Assistant] So explain them. Wake me when they've done an exploratory laparotomy. Anybody know her? Know her story?


[User] Up an' at 'em. [she spreads the case file on the table in front of House] They did a laparotomy. Liver, bowel, gall bladder, appendix all clean.

[Assistant] Belly pain plus throat swelling.


[User] Sorry, take it back, that's a stretch.

[Assistant] Got a better idea? [Silence] Then stretch away. Start her on floroquinolone for the salmonella.


[User] I was waiting 2 hours out there. [He puts a piece of gum in his mouth and House closes the door]

[Assistant] Fascinating. Have you considered a career as a memoirist? [He sits down on the stool] Let's see it.


[User] You don't introduce yourself? [He starts unzipping his pants]

[Assistant] Sorry, I thought you were waiting 2 hours, didn't know you wanted to chat. Hi, I'm Greg. How 'bout that local sports team? [He checks out Tritter's crotch as Tritter pulls his pants down] It's not an infection.


[User] How can you tell--

[Assistant] You want me to touch you? It's your private place. You're chewing nicotine gum which causes dehydration which causes wear and tear. Try a lubricant or foreplay if you're cheap.


[User] Just take a swab and get it tested, ok?

[Assistant] Sorry, already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots. [He pops a vicodin]


[User] You're rude.

[Assistant] Wow, you're like a... detective or something.


[User] And you're smart, and you're funny but you are bitter. [He starts pulling up his pants] And you're lonely, so you treat Everyone around like they're idiots and you get away with it because of your cane.

[Assistant] Please stop, it's hard to write through the haze of bitter tears.


[User] But you're not actually getting away with it. Last nurse you made fun of, she pRobably slipped some crap into your coffee.

[Assistant] Nyeah, I asked for decrappinated coffee. [He takes his cane and is about to walk out when Tritter deliberately kicks at his cane. House loses balance and falls against the door. He looks back in surprise]


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] Bend over. [Tritter smiles like it's a joke]


[User] You're kidding me.

[Assistant] If you have an infection, you'd have a fEver. You're chewing nicotine gum which messes with the weather in your mouth so I need to [he shows the thermometer] vacation elsewhere. And wait 'til I put the thermometer in. [Tritter tries to look back to see what House is doing] Uh uh, you break it, you bought it. Leaving early today. [He returns Tritter's file] Did you Ever get that thing where you're sure you've forgotten something but you can't figure out what? [Nurse shakes her head] Guess it can't be that important. [He throws away the swabbing test he did on Tritter and walks off]


[User] We should switch her to a different antibiotic.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] We can't treat the salmonella unless--

[Assistant] Salmonella? That was a total stretch.


[User] Man, why does that sound so familiar? You think it's 'coz I said it an hour ago?

[Assistant] Then it was a dumb thing to say, now it's smart. She's got the rash so we know she's unusually susceptible to allergic reactions so that's what brought her in. PRobably the peanut butter in her sandwich.


[User] Stick test was negative for peanuts.

[Assistant] That's because you foolishly tested her while she was lying down.


[User] Exercise-based anaphylaxis? Think that requires exercise. When her throat closed they'd just got done eating, not Even competitive eating.

[Assistant] And getting Robbed. Always gets my heart rate up. Give her the same food she ate at the diner and stick her on the treadmill.


[User] Better yet put a gun to her head, threaten to rape her.

[Assistant] You don't think I'm going to get a response?


[User] No.

[Assistant] You're on, 50 bucks.


[User] I'm not betting on a Patient's--

[Assistant] A hundred bucks? If you say so. [He walks into a room and Chase and Foreman exchange a look before walking off together]


[User] He's as sick as she is, now.

[Assistant] Told you it would work.


[User] It worked on the wrong Patient.

[Assistant] We can spend all day arguing right and wrong. Give me the hundred bucks.


[User] We didn't bet!

[Assistant] We could spend all day arguing whether we bet or not. Give me the hundred bucks.


[User] [pays up as they enter the locker room] Husband's test showed no MI. No aortic dissection. It's not his heart, it's just nonspecific chest and abdominal pain.

[Assistant] So, psychosomatic? Panic attack? [House takes Cameron's stethoscope and begins to break into a locker.]


[User] Pain persisted after he got Lorazepam and morphine. Whose locker is that?

[Assistant] Mine. Chest, stomach, throat. What does it all mean?


[User] We're in the nurses' locker room!

[Assistant] I know that. [The locker opens.] Oh, that is so annoying! Wilson's girlfriend's left her stuff in my locker again.


[User] Great, I hadn't committed any felonies yet today.

[Assistant] Relax, you know they're going to blame!


[User] House, you wanna mess with Wilson, no pRoblem. But you've got no reason to screw around with "�

[Assistant] Can we get back to the medicine?


[User] Okay. Why assume one disease? His chest, her throat.

[Assistant] So it's just a coincidence that they both got crippling stomach pains. Wow, they really are a great couple. So much in common. One blue shoe "� what do you think that means?


[User] It means you're insane! Wilson's not dating her.

[Assistant] You feeling luckier?


[User] It doesn't matter what I answer?

[Assistant] Two hundred it is.


[User] If they're married and caught the same disease, then it means they "�

[Assistant] Aha! Brochure to a jazz festival in the Poconos this weekend.


[User] Wilson likes jazz. Foreman, pay the Man.

[Assistant] Four, five, six novels, no music. What does that mean?


[User] She's literate.

[Assistant] It means she spends her time reading, not listening. She'd only want to go and watch jazz if the only person wanted to go. She has a martyr complex. Issues of inferiority.


[User] Married couple. Same disease. They either got it from each other, or in the same place.

[Assistant] Infectious or environmental. All you have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's internet porn related. I'll check the internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff.


[User] Good. Then I'm sure you'll have no pRoblem convincing House.

[Assistant] That cheating bastard!


[User] He loves her!

[Assistant] Right, I bet he told you that she's the love of his life.


[User] People lie, I get it, but they don't go up against two armed gunmen to save someone unless "�

[Assistant] There's a reason that we don't let kids vote or drink or work in the salt mines. They're idiots! 20-year-olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.


[User] Gonorrhea explains all their symptoms. Fitz-Hugh Curtis syndrome for her belly pain, Costochondritis and bladder infection for his chest and abdominal pain.

[Assistant] Good. Now go rub their lying, cheating privates with a cotton swab.


[User] No scarring, no purulent discharge, and the NATs were negative. They don't have an STD.

[Assistant] What's that, you say? You have a pRoblem with interracial couples?


[User] Thank you, Chase.

[Assistant] No! Haven't any of your shorties Ever been whities?


[User] Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How Many black women have you dated, by the way?

[Assistant] I don't care about color. As long as they can help me breed a superior race.


[User] Yeah, my exes have usually been black, so what? It's not a racial thing, it's cultural. I have more in common with them, like I assume you only date emotionally stunted bigots.

[Assistant] Sorry, you're right. That kind of prejudice is totally fine.


[User] The abdominal pain's getting worse. We've had to up their morphine twice.

[Assistant] Take the wife off the steroids. If she spikes a fEver, we'll know it's an infection. If she doesn't, it's environmental. He got off easy. I almost gave him a colonoscopy.


[User] That was one of the stupidest things you have Ever done, and there is heavy competition for "� [House is rifling around in something.] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Hmm, only ate half your breakfast. Feeling a little sick this morning?


[User] I'm not pregnant, they burnt my omelet. You need to apologize to this guy.

[Assistant] I'm a Man of principle. I don't care how much time and money it costs you to defend me.


[User] He wants to kill you.

[Assistant] No empty coffee cups. Off the caffeine. Good for baby.


[User] Cup's in the other wastebasket, baby's in your mind! You can berate Patients all you want. Shoving objects into their rectums is assault. Pay attention to me.

[Assistant] Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you. Can't ignore that rapidly expanding first trimester ass, though.


[User] Or tumors or anything.

[Assistant] You add brain involvement to the chest, stomach, throat, what've you got?


[User] Didn't spike a fEver when we took her off the steroids, so it's not an infection.

[Assistant] Leaving environmental. What flavor?


[User] Environmental doesn't make sense, either. If it were toxin, we'd see it in their livers. None of their neighbors are sick, no coworkers "�

[Assistant] They both got it, meaning it's infection or environmental, and since it's not an infection!


[User] What if they didn't both get it? Maybe we got our basic assumption wrong and it's two different diseases?

[Assistant] Maybe we didn't and it's sarcoidosis.


[User] Sarcoidosis isn't infectious or environmental.

[Assistant] Tell that to the clusters of sarcoidosis cases.


[User] I did see these two putting out that blaze in the Pine Barrens.

[Assistant] If sarcoidosis has two environmental causes, it has environmental causes. We just don't know all of them yet. Husband's chest. He has slightly enlarged hylar lymph nodes. Sarcoidosis explains almost all of their symptoms, including her getting worse off the steroids.


[User] It doesn't explain his throat swelling.

[Assistant] That's what 'almost' means.


[User] 90% of sarcoidosis cases have lung scarring.

[Assistant] Oh, 90%?


[User] Oh, almost.

[Assistant] Fine, I'll consult a specialist. [He climbs over the balcony wall and into Wilson's office.]


[User] If this is more dating advice!

[Assistant] Love to gossip, but I've got work to do. Is this sarcoidosis?


[User] It's pretty nonspecific. Could be granulomas, could be plaques. What's this? Oh, oh, you stole Wendy's personnel file?!

[Assistant] In a way, aren't we all guilty of bribing the janitor of taking the file and giving it to me? Yes, I take my share of the blame, but society's also "�


[User] First of all, I am not dating her.

[Assistant] She is so wrong for you. You know, she filed a form so the hospital would take extra withholding. Who does that?


[User] She's much too cautious for me. Point taken, I'll start dating her so I can break up with her and start dating a stripper. You're a miserable jerk who can't stand to be alone.

[Assistant] I didn't try to break up your marriages; you did that yourself.


[User] My marriages were so crappy I was spending all my time with you. Your real fear is me having a good relationship.

[Assistant] Yes, that keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness monster, global warming, evolution, and other fictional concepts. Although a big, roMantic weekend in the Poconos could change Everything. [Wilson is very confused. They make eyes at each other, and points to House and himself a few times in apparent disbelief.]


[User] You don't! no. I don't think it's sarcoidosis. [House walks back.]

[Assistant] He says it's sarcoidosis. Start them both on methotrexate.


[User] And if you're wrong?

[Assistant] If Wilson's wrong. We'll biopsy her just to be sure.


[User] The brain stem? Brain damage is not only possible, it's likely!

[Assistant] Good point. Let's biopsy something safer, like her shoes.


[User] The husband, he'd have to give consent. He can't right now.

[Assistant] Why? This guy write with his stomach?


[User] He has a conflict of interest. It's not his brain we're cutting open, but he's getting all the benefit. He'd do it just to save himself.

[Assistant] Or to save her. She's the love of his life, remember?


[User] She needs a guardian ad litem. I can't let you do this.

[Assistant] How're you going to stop me? Call Cuddy?


[User] Cameron's right, there's a conflict.

[Assistant] No, there isn't! Not unless one of them wants to die a horrible, painful death.


[User] I'm sure the guardian will figure that out.

[Assistant] In a couple days! Will the guardian convince the disease to hold off eating her brain until we can get the legalities worked out?


[User] I just don't want some plaintiff's Lawyer owning my hospital. Legalities help. Speaking of which, did you get your thermometer back yet?

[Assistant] Uh, we had a nice chat. Did you know he's a Rotarian? Listen, she'll die without the biopsy.


[User] I need to cover the hospital's ass. You're too biased. I send you in there, you'll steamroll over him. Something goes wrong, he'll sue us for not disclosing the risks.

[Assistant] Then have Wilson talk to the husband. Wilson kills people left and right, no one Ever sues him.


[User] Fine, but only if you apologize to the clinic guy.

[Assistant] Nah, pRobably better to just let that couple die.


[User] Then stop treating me.

[Assistant] Great job. Why don't you just shoot him in the head?


[User] Hold on, that gives me an idea. You know what could save this couple, lots of misdirected sarcasm.

[Assistant] They're dead. Yelling at you might prEvent you from screwing up like this --


[User] I didn't screw up. I did my job!

[Assistant] Your job was to get me the biopsy.


[User] No, it was to present the Patient with his options.

[Assistant] Two options: biopsy or no biopsy. He chose the third, no treatment. How do you Even do that?


[User] Remember when you used to just weave elaborate conspiracy theories about my love life? Those were such good times.

[Assistant] How much morphine is the husband on?


[User] We can't increase it any more, his respirations are depressed.

[Assistant] Decrease it! Drugs cloud people's Judgement. Cold turkey, you sucker.


[User] Uh, no.

[Assistant] Good point. Did I ask you guys to follow me?


[User] No, which made us nervous.

[Assistant] They'll catch on if they notice that he's off the morphine drip. Shoot him up with one of these puppies instead.


[User] No!

[Assistant] You do understand it's not really a puppy.


[User] An opiate blocker? It'll feel like he's swallowing a bonfire. That's pretty unethical, Even for you.

[Assistant] How is that unethical? It'll lead to a diagnosis!


[User] It's leading to the torture of the husband on the off chance he'll allow a procedure on another person!

[Assistant] Which will lead to a diagnosis, didn't I just say that?


[User] Give it up. Foreman and Cameron are too ethical, and I'm too scared of getting sued.

[Assistant] Fine. Now I'm just going to find someplace safe to hide this, where I won't be tempted to use it.


[User] You're not doing it, either. What, you're gonna run for it?

[Assistant] If they die now, they'll nEver be able to grow old and tired of each other. [He hands the meds to Foreman and leaves.]


[User] That's actually pretty clEver.

[Assistant] Guess I can't use that trick again, huh? [Foreman tries to open the cart, but it's all locked up.]


[User] Oh! Ow, my stomach, ow!

[Assistant] It's a pretty smart plan, Jerry, but I'm on to you. There's only one good reason to kill the biopsy. You poisoned your wife, and don't want the coppers to get wise.


[User] No!

[Assistant] Oh. Then you're just a moron!


[User] Biopsy me!

[Assistant] Only if this thing hits your brain, you moron! I can't stress that moron thing enough. You're killing your wife!


[User] She is the love of my life!

[Assistant] Careful. Once you say that and you're on wife #2, you're gonna feel real guilty about saying that. Feel that? Get used to it, the pain's gonna get a lot worse.


[User] No, it won't. The morphine just isn't working right now for some reason. I'm putting you on a tranquilizer in the mean time. It'll work again soon.

[Assistant] Wanna bet?


[User] I don't care about the pain. I need to be in pain, so I can get worse. That means you can do the biopsy on me!

[Assistant] Dude, she's in a coma. Who're you trying to impress?


[User] I was just going to call you.

[Assistant] I need a court order to biopsy this Woman's brain.


[User] I don't want to sue you.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] I want to beat the crap out of you.

[Assistant] Less good.


[User] I'll tell you why. You're a bully. And bullies, they don't back down until they run into someone stronger and meaner.

[Assistant] But you'll accept an apology.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Not really a recipe for sincerity.


[User] I'm not looking for sincerity. I'm looking for humiliation. Something that will make you think twice before you treat the next Patient like crap.

[Assistant] Here's what's gonna happen: you go brag to your friends about how you made the big, nasty doctor go poop in his pants, I get Cuddy off my back by telling her I humiliated myself, here's the catch "� we're both gonna be lying. I'm not apologizing. If anything, you deserved a bigger thermometer. [He leaves Cuddy's office to find Foreman and Chase.] What's wrong?


[User] Jeremy's worse.

[Assistant] Then that's what's right. You cut the stubborn jerk's head open and take a slice.


[User] This isn't sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] He'll get his wish. He's dying, just not in a way that's going to help his wife.


[User] He's got ischemic bowel.

[Assistant] So what?


[User] Well, let's see. Lack of blood flow's causing his guts to die, which will cause him to die unless we cut out a few feet of small intestine and reattach the ends. I don't know, seems like a match.

[Assistant] Why does he have it? What does it tell us?


[User] Small cell vasculitis?

[Assistant] Good. Now, let's hear it again, but now with a more environmental or infectious feeling.


[User] Or, like I said before, it might not be environmental or infectious. He has vasculitis, she has porphyria. Belly pain plus hallucinations, classic symptoms. Can Even cause a coma.

[Assistant] Fine. Start her on hematin for porphyria.


[User] What about him?

[Assistant] Take out the dead bowel, it's all we can do. And biopsy it. If Foreman's right, it might save him. If Foreman's wrong, it might save both of them.


[User] The bowel's not dead.

[Assistant] Unless he's been tossing down cans of frosty lactic acid, the bowel is dead. What we're looking for is a reason it's dead.


[User] The bowel's not dead. Just general swelling and edema. The high lactate was pRobably from stress. We just sliced him open from chest to pubic bone for nothing.

[Assistant] Nothing's something. Forget the isochemia. Add the edema and swelling.


[User] PRobably from cutting him open.

[Assistant] PRobably, not definitely. Okay, back to the beginning. What did we talk about? Anything, I want to hear it all again.


[User] He wasn't cheating on her.

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love of his life. Don't you have to wait 'till he's dead to make that determination?


[User] She's his only girlfriend Ever. They grew up next door. They ran off together as teenagers. Sarcoidosis. We only ruled it out because we thought he had isochemic "�

[Assistant] Why did they run off?


[User] What difference does it "�

[Assistant] Kids talk about running off, not Many do it. What was the reason?


[User] They were trying to escape his evil, pill-popping, racist dad. You would have liked him. We should do another biopsy.

[Assistant] How'd you know the dad was racist?


[User] He beat up his son for dating a black girl. Extrapolated from that "�

[Assistant] You see racism Everywhere. Maybe he just didn't like this black girl.


[User] It's not sarcoid. We would have seen granulomas in "�

[Assistant] She has pretty eyes. Forget infectious. Forget environmental. Defective DNA is keeping them from making a critical protein, hence the fluid build-up. Hits the throat, stomach, chest, and brain.


[User] Angioedema?

[Assistant] Hereditary Angioedema. Symptoms fit perfectly.


[User] It's an incredibly rare disease. They would both have to have a parent "�

[Assistant] Is it a coincidence that your sister has great hair, or that these two have green eyes?


[User] You're not saying! they're not brother and sister?

[Assistant] Ew, God, no! That would be sick. Half-brother and sister. Different moms. Dad must have had an affair with her mom. That's why he flipped out when the kids started dating, he had it himself, pRobably why the pills.


[User] You won't know for sure "�

[Assistant] Test them for HAE or paternity. It's going to take a day. She doesn't have a day. Start treating and see what happens.


[User] Tracy, Tracy, she's awake. Oh God, baby, it's going to be okay.

[Assistant] Awesome, can I tell them?


[User] We've obviously got to let them know what's wrong, but the cause, the brother-sister thing!

[Assistant] Good plan. You've just got to keep them away from doctors, the internet, and anyone who's not a total moron.


[User] Yesterday he was willing to die to save her. You've got to give him time to recover "�

[Assistant] He might be a little vexed that you kept letting him hump his sister in the mean time.


[User] Unless their dad was also the product of an incestuous union, the chances of serious complications are minimal.

[Assistant] Noble of you to take that risk. Tell them, or I will.


[User] I'm going out of town.

[Assistant] Where are you going? [no answer] Foreman, you're not missing a blue shoe, are you? Com� you can't bet when you know the answer beforehand!


[User] We can spend all day arguing whether you can bet when you know the answer beforehand. Give me the two hundred bucks.

[Assistant] What? [Foreman leaves, and meets up with Wendy in the hallway.]


[User] She just needs some time alone. You want me to hang out here a bit? [Jeremy nods tearfully.]

[Assistant] If you've come to return the thermometer, don't bother. I've moved on.


[User] If you'd actually read my chart, you'd know that I'm a cop. You were going 40 in a 25 zone.

[Assistant] Oh, come on. This isn't because I was speeding, it's because I'm Latino.


[User] License, registration, proof of insurance.

[Assistant] Sorry, cool jacket. Only pockets for important stuff.


[User] That's a shame.

[Assistant] 50 buck ticket. Is that your way of beating me up, or is that the price for sticking something in you?


[User] You took a pill while examining a Patient, that's serious addictive behavior. I'm betting that you're holding right now.

[Assistant] I wasn't weaving, I'm not drunk, you've got no reason to "�


[User] Pupils dilated, appear to be under the influence of a narcotic. Would you mind turning around, please, and putting your hands behind your head?

[Assistant] Does that polite crap Ever work on people? [Tritter grabs him and does the above for him.]


[User] Most people realize that there's only one answer. [He reaches into a pocket and finds some Vicodin.] Got a prescription?

[Assistant] I'm a cripple who works in a hospital. You don't think I've got a valid prescription?


[User] Have my baby, what a lovely way to say how much you love me...

[Assistant] Excusez-moi garçon! Hello?! It's 11 o' clock. Which means my friend is ready for his sponge bath and I shouldn't be here. Hey! Gomer Pyle! I know you can hear me!


[User] I think you mean Barney Fife.

[Assistant] So Many great idiot icons to choose from.


[User] You need time to think of some more?

[Assistant] Either arraign me or let me go.


[User] No pRoblem, which do you prefer?

[Assistant] What took you so long?


[User] Sorry, I didn't have 15 grand in my loose change jar. What the hell did you do? [He takes a bottle of vicodin out of his pocket and hands it to House.]

[Assistant] Nothing. [He takes a vicodin.]


[User] The motorcycle was impounded, that explains the speeding, DUI and driving without a license. The fact that you're you explains the illegal possession of narcotics and resisting arrest.

[Assistant] Where's your car?


[User] What happened?!

[Assistant] Some idiot cop with crotch rot obviously thought that I didn't treat him with the deference due to a Man of his stature. Trumped up a traffic stop, next thing I know I'm sharing a cage with a guy who thinks that showers are the way the devil gets inside you.


[User] Does Cuddy know?

[Assistant] I don't think she needs to. [Wilson looks at him and he shrugs.] I'm innocent!


[User] Til proven guilty.

[Assistant] The guy wanted to punish me, he did it. It's over.


[User] Better get yourself a Lawyer.

[Assistant] I already got one.


[User] You know what they say about the Lawyer who has himself as a client?

[Assistant] Same thing they say about the doctor who lends 15 grand to a friend he knows can't pay him back. [Wilson gives him a look and sighs.] Relax, you'll get it. Where am I going to take off to? [They get into Wilson's car.] Does Salma Hayek live in Mexico or Spain?


[User] But I have seen how Many pills he's been popping lately, I wouldn't be surprised if he's in a coma somewhere himself.

[Assistant] If I am, this is one lame hallucination.


[User] What happened to you?

[Assistant] If you Ever end up in a bar with a Cambridge Woman's heavyweight eight, do not accept the offer of an upside-down kamikaze shot.


[User] We have a case.

[Assistant] Fat guy in a coma, I know.


[User] Cuddy found you?

[Assistant] Nope, but the wall between Wilson's office and this one is thinner than you think; which means we need to stop talking about what a pathetic loser he is. Start treating Jabba for Pickwickian Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are pRobably putting pressure on his chest suffocating him. [He finds some spare clothing.]


[User] CO2 and oxygen stats are normal.

[Assistant] For you and me, what's normal for a hippopotamus? [Cameron gives him a look, Foreman looks annoyed.] Get a detailed medical history.


[User] And I doubt a guy who weighs 600 pounds bothers with annual physicals.

[Assistant] Talk to the neighbors, search the House. Let's see what else Shamu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I have officially run out of clEver things to call the guy.


[User] It's usually worse in the morning. Especially if I've slept on my arm. [He's massaging his shoulder as he talks to House.] If I sleep on my back or you know, with my arms out, I'm usually ok.

[Assistant] So your arm only hurts after you lie on top of it all night.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Hmm. Well have you thought about, I don't know, not doing that?


[User] Yeah, but it's how I sleep. It's how I've always slept.

[Assistant] Well there's always surgery.


[User] To do what? Like clean out some cartilage or something?

[Assistant] You're not sleeping on some cartilage; you're sleeping on your arm.


[User] You wanna remove my arm?

[Assistant] Well it is your left, a guy's gotta sleep.


[User] I see spending a night in jail hasn't humbled you a bit.

[Assistant] While following my Every move is flattering, a single rose on my doorstep each morning would be more enticing.


[User] Just bringing your boss up to speed which I guess you didn't feel was necessary. [He takes out some more gum and puts it in his mouth.]

[Assistant] You going to add that to my list of charges? [He takes out a vicodin and swallows it.]


[User] People who are innocent tend not to try to hide their arrest.

[Assistant] Is that based on your years of experience arresting innocent people? The way you're going at that gum, it's obviously not having the desired effect. You're the addict; you're going to be back at the butts in a month. You're just taking out your frustration on me because my meds actually work. Why don't you quit while you're ahead before you end up as a security guard working the night shift at some strip mall?


[User] Who's that?

[Assistant] Apparently Cuddy's widened her sperm donor search to include Neanderthals.


[User] Cuddy's looking for a sperm donor?

[Assistant] It's a joke. Like Cuddy would Ever want a kid. Or a kid would Ever want Cuddy. Hello, that's why it's funny! Why are you guys here?


[User] It's not Pickwick's. Intubation and steroids have had no effect. Except maybe to cause whatEver it is to get worse; he's got a fEver now.

[Assistant] [He turns to Cameron.] What'd you find out?


[User] That you and George have the same taste in home furnishings and women.

[Assistant] Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?


[User] Pianos and prostitutes. We should do an LP, look for neurosyphilis.

[Assistant] It's not syphilis.


[User] How do you know?

[Assistant] Because you get STDs from people you trust. People you don't feel you need to protect yourself from. WhatEver he has is connected to his gut, not what's below it. MRI his brain; look for clots.


[User] Weight limit on the MRI maParkne is 450 pounds.

[Assistant] So do a CT.


[User] Limit's 350.

[Assistant] Then just start treatment.


[User] We give him blood thinners and the coma's caused by a bleed instead of a clot we'd kill him.

[Assistant] Either start treatment or start building a stronger MRI. WhatEver you do, do it fast. The longer he stays in the coma, the less likely it is he'll Ever wake up.


[User] Here. [She hands him a piece of paper.]

[Assistant] What's this?


[User] [Shifting House's feet so she can sit down next to them.] I made some calls for you. The guy's the best criminal attorney in Princeton.

[Assistant] Thanks but I don't need it. I assume you told Inspector Clouseau that I have a valid prescription for the vicodin?


[User] Yeah, and I assume you did as well; did it make a difference? The guy's pissed, and with the DEA now treating pain doctors like Columbian--

[Assistant] I'm not a pain doctor, I'm a pain Patient.


[User] It was pRobably just some sort of head trauma and we missed the swelling because, well, his head's already swollen.

[Assistant] Bump on the noggin doesn't explain the fEver.