[User] If you think House deserves to go, if you think I deserve to go, Wilson deserved to go, then vote yes. But if you're doing this because you are afraid of losing his money, then he's right! He does own you. [She stands to leave.] You have a choice. Maybe the last real one you'll have here. [She leaves. Everyone looks at Vogler, and!]

[Assistant] Cuddy is a genius, [Ball to Foreman] convincing four people to give up a fortune to save our sorry asses. [Cuddy walks in.] Dr. Cuddy! [He raises his glass.] The Man of the hour. [Foreman throws the ball to her, which she catches. There are shouts of "Hey, hey!"� and the like.]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] We're drinking. I would have thought that was pretty obvious. [Ball is thrown to Chase, Cuddy picks up a glass.]


[User] Well, to the great champion. Saved you, saved Wilson, saved the whole team. [She drinks the entire glass in one go.] Of course, none of them would have needed saving if you could actually get along with another huMan being.

[Assistant] Well, thank you, Miss Buzzkill.


[User] Well, you only cost us $100 million. Could have saved some lives, could have made a few jobs, helped a few people. Yippee.

[Assistant] You voted to get rid of him.


[User] Call 911. We need an ambulance! [The Judge is bleeding out of his ear. And with that psych, we go to the opening credits.]

[Assistant] I saw the light on.


[User] It's daytime.

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a figure of speech. Always so literal. [pause]


[User] Got a new cane.

[Assistant] Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe!


[User] Why are you here?

[Assistant] Vogler is dead.


[User] What? What happened?

[Assistant] Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea, Mr. Destructo, Mr. Moneybags, bow down before me; he is gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.


[User] The way they were was kind of weird.

[Assistant] Weird works for me.


[User] What are you saying? Literally?

[Assistant] I want you to come back.


[User] Why? [House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms.]

[Assistant] Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing!


[User] Could you look at your pager? [House looks at it.]

[Assistant] It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.


[User] You should go, it's important.

[Assistant] What I'm doing now is important.


[User] Why do you want me back?

[Assistant] Because you're a good doctor.


[User] That's it?

[Assistant] That's not enough?


[User] [leaving the clinic and heading toward him] Dr. House! We need you here.

[Assistant] Sorry, lot of sick people. I might catch something.


[User] A Judge at the campus pool center collapsed, LP rEvealed a virulent form of bacterial meningitis.

[Assistant] Great, got it diagnosed, you don't need me.


[User] 2500 people at the pool center were exposed. They're being bused to all the neighboring hospitals.

[Assistant] That's a pRoblem of resources, not diagnostics. No, I'd be completely lost, get in Everyone's way.


[User] Joe! [A security guard "� Joe, pRobably "� stops House from leaving.] Dr. House doesn't have a blue slip. No one leaves the quarantine area without a blue slip. You are a doctor at this hospital: act like one. And [she grabs a cup of pills] take these. [House does so.]

[Assistant] [reading a thermometer] 102. You win a trip to the second floor. Next!


[User] All right, no fEver, no rash, you're fine. Take these two pills, and show this blue slip to Security on your way out. Next!

[Assistant] Take these, go home, talk to your daughter.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Your pants, your blouse, your scarf are all freshly dry cleaned. Everything except your jacket, it's got a smudge on it. PRobably two days old. Which means you didn't know the jacket had been worn. So either your husband is a crossdresser or your daughter has been borrowing your clothes without telling you. PRobably wants to look older to get into bars.


[User] I don't have a daughter. [House hands her a blue slip.]

[Assistant] Next!


[User] It's treatable as long as you go to the second floor. Next.

[Assistant] Yow.


[User] FEver. Does that mean I have it?

[Assistant] You have a rash? Come on. [Mary lifts her jacket to rEveal a red rash on her hip.]


[User] It's from my new bathing suit, I've had it a week.

[Assistant] Yeah. Does your neck hurt? If it does, you get the trifecta.


[User] It's nothing. I pulled it trying to do a three-and-a-half tuck.

[Assistant] Where are your parents?


[User] We live in Parkcago. I'm here with my coach. [She cranes her neck to look at what House is writing on her chart.] I wanted to see what you were writing.

[Assistant] [turns his neck] Go like this. [Mary turns her head to the left and to the right, which hurts her.] Now like this. [She then nods it to her chest and up, which doesn't hurt at all.]


[User] Take these pills. A blue slip will get you out of here. Next! [He automatically puts his hands up, to find House next in line.]

[Assistant] You're coming with me. [After looking at his pile of blue slips, Foreman follows.]


[User] Or maybe it's meningitis.

[Assistant] She's had the rash a week. If it was this meningitis, she'd be dead by now. [Cuddy walks up.]


[User] You guys figure we're done down there? The 800 people milling around are just waiting for the bathroom?

[Assistant] 12-year-old female. FEver, rash, neck pains. Not meningitis.


[User] It's the definition of meningitis!

[Assistant] Sure, pus in the spinal canal makes it hurt to move your head up and down, but her head only hurts moving side to side.


[User] Oh, side to side.

[Assistant] Doesn't fit.


[User] The three of you, lobby, now.

[Assistant] Those little pills you're passing out so efficiently aren't going to do Miss Louganis squat.


[User] You just don't want to deal with the epidemic.

[Assistant] That's right. I'm subjecting a 12-year-old to a battery of dangerous and evasive tests to avoid being bored. [Everyone stares at him.] Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not. If it turns out she does have meningitis, you're right, you win, but if we go back downstairs and she dies! your face will be so red.


[User] You have one hour. [She stalks off.]

[Assistant] Get a lumbar puncture. Some brain infections can be pretty clEver at hide-and-seek.


[User] I'll get on her bloodwork.

[Assistant] No you won't. You, sir, will research all the causes in the universe of neck pain.


[User] The list is, like, two miles long!

[Assistant] Start with the letter A. And put her on rifampin.


[User] Rifampin is for meningitis. You just said "�

[Assistant] In case I'm wrong. It has happened.


[User] Try to relax, Mary, try to relax.

[Assistant] What letter are you up to?


[User] A.

[Assistant] Torture combing through all that stuff, ain't it? Real dull. Awful.


[User] It's no pRoblem.

[Assistant] Well, thank goodness. A lot of people would resent having to do this.


[User] BeliEve it or not, this is a camera. You swallow it, and it goes all the way through your system. The antennae pick up the signal from the pill. [Mary is wearing a belt with the sensor equipment.] We're going to look at the video of your intestines, see where the blood is coming from, and fix it. Water? Down the hatch. [She swallows it.]

[Assistant] Think I've seen this movie. The ending's kind of dark. [He offers some candy to Foreman.] Want one? [He pretends to offer one to Chase, but takes it away when he starts to take one.] How come you did the endoscopy?


[User] Her blood pressure was high, I was worried "�

[Assistant] Foreman is not your boss. When I tell you to do something "� whoa. Hold it there. Back it up a couple of frames. [He looks intently at the image on the screen.] Oh, yeah! That's your money shot.


[User] I don't see anything.

[Assistant] Really? Ginormous thing on the right side of her intestine doesn't Even intrigue you?


[User] Oh. Well, we can burn off the swollen blood vessel, but it still doesn't account for her other symptoms.

[Assistant] No, but it does tell us something. Though I have no idea what.


[User] Could be a precursor to intestinal intussusception.

[Assistant] Precursor isn't causing all of her other symptoms. What else? [Cuddy enters.]


[User] You, in the lobby, now.

[Assistant] I hurt my leg. I have a note.


[User] You had your hour. Three, actually.

[Assistant] Dr. Chase, I told you to tell us when our time was up. She has intestinal bleeding.


[User] She'll wait. Two more buses just arrived. We need you downstairs.

[Assistant] No, you need more nurses. But you cut back on the nursing staff so you have doctors doing what the nurses should be doing.


[User] That's true. I wonder if that has anything to do you with you costing us $100 million.

[Assistant] [to Patient, handing her a blue slip] Go, be free. [A bouncy teen walks up.]


[User] Well, the lab's working at double their capacity, maybe someone screwed up.

[Assistant] No fEver, no neck pain. Take the elevator to the third floor.


[User] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wrong form. No fEver, no neck pain, she's fine.

[Assistant] Smell her hair, no chlorine. Which means she wasn't at the pool. Which means she's come to a quarantined area because she's a idiot or she's insane. No one is that stupid. East wing, psych ward, bye-bye. [She wanders off.]


[User] Neck pain could be a symptom for bone cancer.

[Assistant] You up to Bs? Well done!


[User] It would account for all her meningial symptoms. Rash, fEver! [to Patient] You're fine. Take these two pills!

[Assistant] [to Foreman] Get a sample of her bone marrow.


[User] From here?

[Assistant] Break time.


[User] Need more than 15 minutes.

[Assistant] Use Chase's break, too. Go.


[User] You should just fire Chase.

[Assistant] What, and miss out on all this fun?


[User] So you're going to torture him for a while and then fire him? That's cold.

[Assistant] You don't think he has it coming?


[User] Hey, I said fire him. [Random Patient in the hallway vomits. I say because I care.]

[Assistant] That's cold. All he did was save his job.


[User] What? He completely screwed you over! [House spies Cuddy walking there way.]

[Assistant] Right rudder. [She follows.] Bank, bank, bank!


[User] Good coffee? [Having stopped the show here, I'd like to point out that right here, both House and Wilson are staring at Cuddy's cleavage. Bwah.] The rest of this hospital is busting it's tail, and! [House raises the chart he's holding to cover Cuddy's midsection.] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods. [Wilson tries not to smile/laugh.]


[User] I am! working, it got hot, stop acting like a 13-year-old!

[Assistant] Sorry, you just don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.


[User] Oh, women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?

[Assistant] No, they can be babes. You just don't usually see their funbags.


[User] Your 3 o'clock interview for Dr. Cameron's position is in your office.

[Assistant] Ah, not interviewing today. I don't know if you've heard, but there's this big time epidemic. Many sick people puking in the hallways, it's crazy.


[User] That's right.

[Assistant] He's in a band.


[User] You into music?

[Assistant] Totally. What kind of music do you play?


[User] Um, mostly blues, you know. James Cotton, some original stuff.

[Assistant] [pops a Vicodin] Oh, dude. You are so hired.


[User] Really?

[Assistant] Not a chance.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Tattoo. [Dr. Spain turns his right arm to rEveal an Asian symbol on his forearm.]


[User] Wow. I thought you'd be the last person to have a pRoblem with nonconformity.

[Assistant] Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a 20-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara. [Dr. Spain leaves.]


[User] So should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?

[Assistant] Actually, the Asian kids are pRobably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.


[User] I need some help over here! [to a nurse] Push two milligrams Ativan, stat!

[Assistant] Are you sure it was an absence seizure?


[User] Absolutely. She was totally unresponsive and unaware of what was going on around her. [Sounds of someone groaning in a stall. Er! yeah.]

[Assistant] Do you mind? We're trying to work.


[User] We should get back out there. Cuddy's going to be looking for us.

[Assistant] Looking, but not finding. You do an EEG?


[User] Seizure frequency's increasing. They're almost constant now. 5 in the last half hour.

[Assistant] Which tells us!


[User] And it's getting worse.

[Assistant] And? [More groaning.] Good lord, are you having a bowel movement or a baby?


[User] No, can't be drugs. She's tested at Every meet she competes in.

[Assistant] A bleed in the brain can cause seizures.


[User] You think she's eating off the floor of her folks' garage?

[Assistant] Doesn't have to be.


[User] Who would poison a 12-year-old?

[Assistant] Well, let's see now, there's the 18-year-old has-been that she beat out to make Nationals, the has-been's parents, jealous siblings, sociopathic swim fan, and then there's just your plain old garden variety whack job. [The toilet flushes, and some kid Patient walks out of the stall.] Hey! You know what a hemorrhoid is?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Well, google it. And try some Raisin Bran instead of the donuts. [He turns on the faucet with his cane.] Okay, do a CT scan, check for intercranial bleeding.


[User] Not a chance, radiology's totally swamped.

[Assistant] If our Patient's bleeding into her brain, she's gonna be dead in 8 hours.


[User] When I was in med school, I had this old professor "�

[Assistant] -- who touched you in the naughty place?


[User] Before the CT scan was introduced, he specialized in transcranial ultrasound.

[Assistant] Hmm. Ancient, but if there's enough bleeding it might work. Okay, do what the guy who didn't specialize in neurology said. [Foreman leaves.]


[User] It was my idea!

[Assistant] [mimics him, then] You've still got to cover Q-Z. Sorry I'm late, I was taking a dump.


[User] Dr. Petra Gilmar, Dr. Gregory House.

[Assistant] You actually speak four languages, or you just banking on nEver being interviewed by anyone who does? [He takes some Vicodin.]


[User] It's true. And I can swear in two more.

[Assistant] Why are you leaving Dr. Hazel? Did you fall for him and can't handle it, or is it the other way around? [Wilson is a little shocked by the way this conversation is going.]


[User] No, it was nothing like that.

[Assistant] You Jewish? [Wilson gives him a "hey, now!"� kind of look.]


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?


[User] Two hours of begging?

[Assistant] I heard four.


[User] That's our Hitler!

[Assistant] No way.


[User] Are you kidding? Her background's perfect, she's smart, she can obviously deal with your insanity!

[Assistant] Did you see her shoes?


[User] Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?

[Assistant] The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.


[User] They were Prada. It means she has good taste.

[Assistant] They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.


[User] Okay, well, they were nice, pointy!

[Assistant] Exactly, they were stylish, and very painful to wear. Only an incredibly shallow and insecure Woman would rather be in pain all day then wear a decent looking, comfortable shoe, and that's exactly the type I don't need around here.


[User] I'm ultrasounding your head. You're still having seizures. This should help us figure out what's going on.

[Assistant] Blue form to the security guard.


[User] You're not going to be happy with anyone.

[Assistant] So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?


[User] No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away.

[Assistant] Now it's people. I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.


[User] You have a history of this.

[Assistant] Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.


[User] Take these, there's water over there, blue form to the guard, and you're done. [House and Wilson walk off.] You had the perfect person, and you blew it.

[Assistant] You saw the shoes!


[User] I'm not talking about her.

[Assistant] You're talking about Cameron.


[User] I'm talking about Every Woman you've Ever given a damn about.

[Assistant] Cameron is so not perfect.


[User] Well, nobody's perfect.

[Assistant] Mother Teresa?


[User] Dead.

[Assistant] Angelina Jolie?


[User] No medical degree.

[Assistant] Now who's being picky?


[User] [to a nurse, working on a Patient] He's a little dehydrated, put him on a saline drip and give him some orange juice. [House walks up.]

[Assistant] I need an operating room and a surgeon.


[User] Oh, well, given the current crisis I'm tempted to say no, but since you've been so sweet to me today "�

[Assistant] Our little mermaid is bleeding into her temporal lobe.


[User] How fast can you have her prepped?

[Assistant] 20 minutes.


[User] Got a better idea?

[Assistant] Stop it. Stop looking for things we don't know and focus on what we do know. What do we actually know besides what's up there? Come on, how hard can it be to tell me what you already know?


[User] But nEver out of the country.

[Assistant] What else? Come on! [He leaves the room.] [to Chase and Foreman, who just walked up] We're missing something.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Well, if I knew that it wouldn't be missing.


[User] Maybe she's adopted and we've got the wrong history.

[Assistant] No, she's got her mom's eyes and a red patch of hair just like dad.


[User] Could explain the rash and muscle pain, but not the bleeding or seizures.

[Assistant] That's a lot of balloons.


[User] Think she's allergic to polyester?

[Assistant] Not unless she's been competing in the nude all these years.


[User] Then what are you thinking? What do the balloons mean?

[Assistant] What if the rash isn't a rash?


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] Who gave her the balloons?


[User] Some of the girls from her team. They've been visiting her pretty regularly, but none of them are sick.

[Assistant] What about the guys?


[User] None of them are sick either.

[Assistant] Which guys visited her?


[User] Actually, none.

[Assistant] She's cute, she's nice, she's a kick-ass diver. You'd think the guys would be falling over themselves to get close to her.


[User] She's 12. The youngest guy on her team is 16.

[Assistant] Okay, so maybe they're just not interested. Or!


[User] They're avoiding her.

[Assistant] There any cell fragments in her blood smears?


[User] No, red blood cells were intact.

[Assistant] Check 'em again.


[User] Blood looks like it's been put through the blender, now. [House enters.]

[Assistant] You done yet?


[User] Thrombocytopenia purpura?

[Assistant] Starts with T. You were so close.


[User] What could have set it off? She had no trace of E. Coli in her cultures, she's obviously not menopausal, so no estrogen.

[Assistant] There is one other possible cause.


[User] Oh, God.

[Assistant] Pregnancy cause all kinds of chemical and biological changes in a Woman's body. Or a girl's body, as the case may be. [He moves the screen so she can see the fetus.] In extremely rare cases, Everything goes haywire. It's called TTP. Blood starts clotting like crazy, clogs the vessels in your brain and kidneys. Red blood cells end up getting shredded as they squeeze past the clot like a fat guy in a crowed bar. I'm sure you know what that's like. You're only 12, but you're all grown up, right? [He offers her tissues.] Travel on your own, hang out in hotel rooms getting room service with your teammates, maybe someone sneaks in a couple of beers, you start playing spin the bottle! next thing you know you're waking up in nothing but your socks.


[User] It wasn't like that.

[Assistant] Of course not. You wanted it.


[User] Yeah, I did. He turned out to be a jerk, but!

[Assistant] Actually, under New Jersey law the term is 'felon.'


[User] I knew what I was doing.

[Assistant] We're going to have to do something called plasmapheresis. It cleans the antibodies from your blood. We're also going to have to terminate the pregnancy.


[User] You're going to tell my parents?

[Assistant] Someone should. Rock paper scissors?


[User] They don't need to know. I'll be all right.

[Assistant] Of course you will. If you're old enough to bleed out of your vagina, obviously you're old enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy's help.


[User] You're going to tell my parents?

[Assistant] Under New Jersey law, you're the boss. Your daughter has TTP. Don't worry, it's curable, she'll be fine.


[User] Well, wait! What does TTP stand for?

[Assistant] Some really big words that you've nEver heard before and when we're done we'll nEver hear again. Have a nice day.


[User] Well, when can we take her home?

[Assistant] Uh, in a few days. She needs some minor surgery to remove the underlying cause before we can do the! another really big word.


[User] What's the underlying cause?

[Assistant] She has an abnormal growth in her abdomen.


[User] What kind of surgery?

[Assistant] It's very simple. We do it here all the time.


[User] Could you be a little more specific?

[Assistant] Actually, no. I'm sorry.


[User] [walking up] Plasmapheresis is working, she's going to be fine.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] I can't Even tell you how much I appreciate the opportunity to meet with you. [And House! remains silent.] The moment I heard you had another fellowship opening, I "�

[Assistant] There is no opening.


[User] House, you have to hire someone.

[Assistant] I know. The position's been filled.


[User] Why am I interviewing for a position that's already been filled?

[Assistant] Exactly. [He gets up to leave.]


[User] I called to confirm the interview this morning.

[Assistant] You figure if you keep arguing I'm going to cave, admit it's all a lie, and hire you? [He leaves.]


[User] Do you need your Parking validated?

[Assistant] I don't want to interview anyone else.


[User] You're interviewing? I thought you'd just have them send a headshot along with their CV.

[Assistant] Hah. That's good. And why I need you around. To keep me in my place. [He keeps trying to look into Cameron's apartment. Heh.]


[User] I can't come back, I told you that.

[Assistant] Wasn't listening.


[User] Right.

[Assistant] You want me to listen to you more? I can do that.


[User] Right. I already accepted a position somewhere else.

[Assistant] With who?


[User] Yule, at Jefferson.

[Assistant] Unaccept it.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because Yule is boring. He's pedantic and preachy. Because he's short. Because I want you to come back.


[User] Not good enough.

[Assistant] Want more money? A car allowance, better Parking space?


[User] Dinner. And not just a meal between two colleagues. A date.

[Assistant] You'll come back to work if I go out on a date with you?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Okay, it's a deal. [They shake on it.]


[User] See you tomorrow morning.

[Assistant] Don't be late.


[User] Who's coming back?

[Assistant] You don't know her.


[User] You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?

[Assistant] Don't have TiVo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up.


[User] You lower her hours?

[Assistant] You don't Even know her.


[User] Who is this guy?

[Assistant] He's a Patient.


[User] He's examining me.

[Assistant] He's got to go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination. Guess I do, too.


[User] Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!

[Assistant] Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check. [to Wilson] I've agreed to take her on one date.


[User] Yes "�

[Assistant] No! She's not giving me any choice. [Wilson now looks a bit puzzled.]


[User] Wait! she's making you do her?

[Assistant] Date her.


[User] [putting an arm around House's shoulders] Do her, or you're gay. [Wilson thinks about that one. Heh.]

[Assistant] For God's sake. [He grabs his TV and leaves. As he's walking out the door --]


[User] [kind of singing] Sitting in a tree, K-i-s-s-i-n-g.

[Assistant] [over them] Grow up. And learn to harmonize. [He shuts the door and runs into Harvey, who spills an open cup of liquid on him.] Damn it!


[User] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Assistant] Who the hell walks around with an open urine sample?


[User] You think that was a bit of an overreaction?

[Assistant] Well, he peed on me. I'm not into that. [Wilson sniffs House's jacket.]


[User] It's apple juice. Now go find that Man and apologize. One more Patient complaint and you're looking at a suspension. [He takes House's TV and goes back into the exam room.]

[Assistant] I forgive you for ruining my jacket. [Harvey doesn't move.] Look, you seem like a regular kind of guy, not the type to get another regular guy into trouble, am I right? [It sounds like Harvey is sobbing, House rolls his eyes.] Twenty bucks cash if you'll stop crying. [Nothing doing.] Forgive me, yell at me, just give me something I can work with, okay? [He grabs Harvey's shoulder, and turns him around to rEveal a Harvey that's not doing well at all. He quickly checks his pulse and flashes a light in his pupils, which are blown. Wilson shows up.]


[User] Game's over. You two make nice?

[Assistant] Get a wheelchair, and get this guy into the ER.


[User] What happened?

[Assistant] Right pupil's blown.


[User] Then why'd you do it?

[Assistant] [entering with Wilson] Cause this is the happiest place on Earth. 21-year-old male, comes in with grinding of the teeth.


[User] Blown pupils usually means brain stem edema.

[Assistant] Sure, but since he's not dead or in a coma, I'm going with stroke to the optic nerve. [He puts up scans on the light board.] CT scan shows two things.


[User] Ischemia. Death of brain tissue. Means there's been some damage, hopefully not perManent.

[Assistant] And?


[User] That's it. There's nothing there to tell us what the underlying cause is. We've got to do an MRI.

[Assistant] You're looking at the wrong part of the scan.


[User] No, the jaw tells us why we can't do an MRI. Unless we want his jawbone flying across the room.

[Assistant] Metal plate. He's had major reconstruction and there's no way we're removing it, so we're forced to be clEver. Angiogram to rule out vascultis, EMG for peripheral neuropathy, tox screen to eliminate drugs, an echo to rule out cardiac emboli. [As they all leave] Dr. Cameron. I'd appreciate you keeping the terms of your new contract to yourself. Don't want Everyone clamoring for the same perks.


[User] Hi. I'm having vaginal pain.

[Assistant] Pleasure to meet you. [Vicodin goes "pop"�!]


[User] My OB/GYN died recently. He's a nice Man. Warm hands.

[Assistant] [sitting and putting on rubber gloves] Not anymore. So, does it hurt when you tinkle?


[User] Yeah, it's when it's worse. [House performs the exam.]

[Assistant] You have some vaginal tearing. No sign of brusing, no indication of trauma, forced entry! Ramona. You naughty girl. You've either got yourself an 18-year-old boyfriend or an 80-year-old with some little blue pills.


[User] Myron thought he'd just try them out!

[Assistant] Lucky you.


[User] I guess.

[Assistant] Prefer it if Myron was a little droopier?


[User] Maybe a little. We used to hold hands, read together, or watch Jeopardy! I haven't seen Jeopardy! in almost a month!

[Assistant] [going for the big question] Have you talked to him about this?


[User] You try talking a 73-year-old out of sex. With all these male enhancements the pressure to put out's incredible. It's worse than high school. He doesn't get what he wants from me, he'll get it from Connie in the corner condo. She's dying her hair red! Major league slut. [House and the nurse share a look.]

[Assistant] Here's a prescription for vaginal estrogen suppositories. It'll help with the lubrication.


[User] Thank you. Maybe you could give Myron a prescription. Something weaker than he's got now? Tell him it's better for his heart "� he'd buy that.

[Assistant] You can't tell him the truth, so you want me to lie to him?


[User] Would you?

[Assistant] Close your legs. [He leaves.]


[User] The EMG was clean.

[Assistant] Well, based on this history it's either toxic herbs from the homeopath, spinal damage from the Parkropractor, infection from the needle that the acupuncturist accidentally let sit in eye of newt, or the Shen balancer. What the hell is a "shen"� and how come it's lopsided?


[User] The only abnormal test result we found was on the echo report. Mitral valve prolapse.

[Assistant] Hang up a shingle and condemn the narrowness and greed of Western medicine, you'd make a damn fine living.


[User] Clot's formed on a faulty valve, gets sent to the brain, voila! Stroke.

[Assistant] Of course, no harm, no foul. It's just taking a few bucks from superstitious idiots, right?


[User] Trauma? From what, the Parkropractic treatments? It's bacterial endocarditis, an infected valve. We should do blood cultures.

[Assistant] Except the six months that he had with these charlatans might have been spent going to someone who looks at things that exist in the real world. But that's just me being all narrow again.


[User] No, not necessarily.

[Assistant] Hmm. Quite a dilemma. [House picks up a magic 8-ball.] Oh, great pool hall oracle, grant me guidance. [He shakes it.] Do we go with Foreman's theory, which is at least marginally supported by medical test results, or Chase's theory, which is completely unsupported by medical evidence. What to do!


[User] The guy obviously broke his jaw somehow. Who knows what other trauma he's suffered? We should do the angiogram again.

[Assistant] And all signs point to! [He looks at the 8-ball.] Sorry, Chase. The gods have spoken. Start Harvey on blood thinners and antibiotics.


[User] That's just sick.

[Assistant] Well, that's an intriguing legal opinion. Geez, what kind of a Lawyer is he?


[User] I was careful. I watched the monitors, made sure his O2 stats were over 90. I would nEver hurt him.

[Assistant] Then what was the point?


[User] We're not done here, we have to talk!

[Assistant] Call the cops, bar her from the hospital, force her to pierce your nipples! not really medical decisions.


[User] It was a weird scene. I observed "� [House enters.]

[Assistant] Chase. Did you know about this Woman? What she does?


[User] I met her at some parties, yeah.

[Assistant] I wouldn't have tortured you if I knew you liked it. [Chase kind of laughs at that.] Well, here's a phrase to remember: "Hey, this guy might have been pounded on the head one too Many times!"�


[User] I said I thought it was a trauma induced aneurysm.

[Assistant] Yeah, could have carried a tad more weight if you'd mentioned the "liking pain"� thing. You're on my naughty list. Sorry, no leather stethoscope this Christmas.


[User] I'm not into "�

[Assistant] I assume you nEver started him on antibiotics or blood thinners before Mistress Ilsa's rude interruption.


[User] It was pRobably a good thing.

[Assistant] Start him on antibiotics and blood thinners. [House watches as an older gentleMan walks into his office. He watches the Man throughout the rest of this scene.]


[User] You still think Chase is wrong?

[Assistant] No, he's pRobably right.


[User] If we put him on blood thinners, he might bleed out.

[Assistant] But if Foreman's right about it being bacterial endocarditis, and we "� [Foreman raises his hand.]


[User] I think Chase is right.

[Assistant] Okay, if Foreman used to be right about it being blood clots, and we take the surgery route, then we'll pRobably kill the guy. So, start him on blood thinners, and if he has another stroke, then we'll schedule the surgery. [He opens the door to his office.] Yeah?


[User] You Dr. House?

[Assistant] I have a feeling I'm going to regret this, but yes.


[User] Ramona said I should come to you for my refill. [He holds up a pill bottle.] Uh, with, for the beginning to droop? [He demonstrates with his finger. House takes the bottle.] She said you'd pRobably want to talk to me first.

[Assistant] She lied. [He hands Myron a script.] Here you go.


[User] Thanks.

[Assistant] Always happy to make people happy. Goodbye.


[User] I "� I don't know how much more of this I can take.

[Assistant] How much more of what?


[User] [whispers] Sex.

[Assistant] You don't want more sex?


[User] My golf swing is all messed up.

[Assistant] Hey, here's a radical thought. Talk to her.


[User] The truth?

[Assistant] Sounds crazy when you put it like that.


[User] Oh, Ramona's got a big appetite. If I don't perform, I don't want to lose her. [He sighs.] You got a pharmacy around here?

[Assistant] In the hospital? Could be. Let's see if we can find it. Got any blue pills?


[User] [raising his eyebrows] You looking for ED medication?

[Assistant] Well, that's one example of a blue pill. Name six others.


[User] There's a brand of acetaminophen out!

[Assistant] Perfect. Fill her up. [House nods to Myron. Cuddy walks up.]


[User] Dr. House.

[Assistant] Little busy here.


[User] I heard about Dr. Cameron's conditions for coming back to work.

[Assistant] It's purely business. I'll make sure you get the recipt.


[User] Well, I think it's a good thing. What happened in your last relationship, it's no reason to wall yourself from people forEver. 5 years of self-pity is pRobably enough.

[Assistant] Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.


[User] Well "�

[Assistant] Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about. [Cuddy smiles.]


[User] Weakness in his right arm and hand. Harvey's having mini-strokes; the blood thinners aren't making a difference.

[Assistant] Stop the treatment. [to Foreman] Sorry, we tried your way, you could not have been wronger.


[User] I said Chase was pRobably right.

[Assistant] Oh yeah, we've all got perfect 20-20 hindsight. Get a hold of Main in vascular, see if his surgical dance card is free for tomorrow. [Chase and Foreman leave. Cameron clears her throat.]


[User] About tomorrow night.

[Assistant] You couldn't keep your mouth shut.


[User] I didn't see any reason to. Where are we going? I want to make sure I dress appropriately.

[Assistant] That would be army boots and t-shirt. It's the county paintball tourney. First prize is fifty bucks; I'll split it with you if you hold your end up.


[User] I'm not sure if that was the deal.

[Assistant] Relax. I made a reservation at Caf� Spiletto. Regarding wardRobe: are you too young to remember spandex?


[User] I already did. Mashed them up in his applesauce, it'll lighten him up soon enough.

[Assistant] Someone should just tell him to do it. Way faster.


[User] And I already tried.

[Assistant] Not you. Where's a good dominatrix when you need one?


[User] Annette's barred from the hospital.

[Assistant] If you get caught, Cuddy's got a hairbrush. And beliEve me, she knows how to use it.


[User] So, what's that, two strokes you've scared this guy into?

[Assistant] Yeah. It's making me question my view of myself as a people person.


[User] He said no. We can't do it.

[Assistant] Emergent situation, invoke heroic measures.


[User] You need a court order.

[Assistant] Great, where do I get me one of them? Do I need to Lawyer up?


[User] I'll need to show the Judge an affidavit from next of kin.

[Assistant] Well, they might have a pRoblem signing anything seeing as how they're dead.


[User] He'll want proof.

[Assistant] Like what, dad's hand? I don't Even know where they're buried.


[User] They guy lives in Market Town. I don't know if he grew there, but we could check the local funeral home.

[Assistant] Great, and when your searches turn up nothing you should try to find out where they live.


[User] He said they were dead.

[Assistant] Accountants, they're usually pretty good with money, so how come he lives in a slum like Market Town?


[User] Maybe they were bad accountants.

[Assistant] Two bad accountants from the Pacific Rim? The odds are astronomical.


[User] Or maybe they cut him off when they found out about his proclivities.

[Assistant] That'd be my bet. Go to his apartments. See if you can find his folks. Address, number, something. [House walks into his office. Foreman follows him.]


[User] Hey, can I talk to you?

[Assistant] Sure.


[User] Look, Cameron's a friend. This whole dating thing "�

[Assistant] [turns on the TV] Time's up. Thanks for playing.


[User] Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently.

[Assistant] Way ahead of you. I've got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD, we are gonna get all the way down. Now move. [Foreman sits on the TV, which was not what House had in mind.]


[User] Come on, you're not into her. Most guys who aren't interested in a Woman try to sugarcoat it, be nice.

[Assistant] Oh, you know me too well.


[User] That's what I'm saying. I think you should go with your instincts here. Be a jerk.

[Assistant] I'm missing my soap for this?


[User] Women love to be right. You've got to leave them feeling superior. Like they've dodged a bullet. If you're nice, she'll blame herself "�

[Assistant] And fall for me Even more. The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. 'Cause you're convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any Woman to handle.


[User] Call back.

[Assistant] I'll do it. [He flicks a yo-yo in Chase's face.] Let the master show you how it's done. [Chase takes a few tic-tacs as House dials.] Mr. Park? This is Dr. House calling from Princeton-Plainsboro TeaParkng Hospital in New Jersey. Your son Harvey is dead. We need you to identify the body. Yes, I'm sorry, it's the law. [Cameron is shocked, Chase rolls his eyes, and Foreman is grinning. House hangs up and takes the mint box from Chase.] There's a real art to delivering bad news.


[User] They're gonna show up at the morgue.

[Assistant] Be sure to let me know when Cuddy starts screaming. [Chase takes the second mint box from his pocket and eats a few more.]


[User] He told us our son was dead.

[Assistant] It's only a white lie. Technically, all I did was call them a little early. Trust me, he'll be dead real soon. Actually, I saved you some rush hour traffic.


[User] I'm calling our Lawyer.

[Assistant] Fine. Just as soon as you sign this surgery consent. I have a pen. [Mrs. Park takes out her cell phone and dials.]


[User] He humiliated us. Everybody we know knows about his perversion.

[Assistant] But you don't get off on embarrassment the way your son does. I guess it skips a generation.


[User] How much money would it take to compensate you "�

[Assistant] Yeah, you guys can haggle in a minute. But here's the thing. Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that your son's a perv, that's pretty high up there. People finding out that you'd rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where's that rank? And trust me, if I have to paste up a sign in Every nail salon and dumpling shop in Pennsylvania, I'll make sure they know. [He offers them a pen. Mrs. Park turns off her phone and signs the paper.] Your son will be in surgery first thing in the morning. Dumplings, that was a cheap shot. [He leaves.]


[User] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.

[Assistant] This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.


[User] Open doors for her, help her with her chair "�

[Assistant] I have been on a date.


[User] Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A. Her dreams, hopes and aspirations. Trust me. Panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.

[Assistant] Did your wife give them to you?


[User] Drug rep. They've got antibiotics built in, somehow.

[Assistant] I should cancel. I've got a Patient in surgery tomorrow. [House moves to the kitchen.]


[User] And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter. That's a good idea, settle your nerves. Get me a beer, too.

[Assistant] [looking in the fridge] No beer.


[User] You're gonna eat before dinner? [House reaches into the fridge and takes out a corsage. Wilson gets up to investigate.]

[Assistant] This is pretty lame, right? [Wilson smiles.]


[User] [putting on the corsage] It's beautiful. And you look very handsome.

[Assistant] Thank you.


[User] I've always loved this restaurant.

[Assistant] Yeah. It's changed a lot since the last time I was here. It used to be a strip joint. [Cameron laughs.] Nice earrings.


[User] My mom's. Thank you.

[Assistant] Nice shoes. Comfortable?


[User] I'm not expecting you to be someone you're not.

[Assistant] We're in a restaurant, we're dressed up, we're eating. If not small talk, what is there? [Awkward pause of doom.]


[User] [setting down the wine list] According to Freud, and I'm paraphrasing, instinct of love toward an object deMands a mastery to obtain it, and if a person feels they can't control the object or feel threatened by it, they act negatively toward it. Like an eighth-grade boy punParkng a girl.

[Assistant] I treat you like garbage, so I must really like you. Given your Freudian theory, what does it mean if I start being nice to you?


[User] That you're getting in touch with your feelings.

[Assistant] Hmm. So there's absolutely nothing I can do to make you think that I don't like you.


[User] Sorry, no. I have one Evening with you, one chance, and I don't want to waste it talking about what wines you like or what movies you hate. I want to know how you feel about me.

[Assistant] You live under the delusion that you can fix Everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a Man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great looking, I'm not charming, I'm not Even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged. [He picks up his menu, leaving Cameron to think.]


[User] It was fine, how was your Evening?

[Assistant] She had the ravioli, I had the puttanesca.


[User] Yes, I really want to know about the quality of the food. Either something very good happened, or something very bad. Which is it?

[Assistant] Well, I did have a little indigestion afterwards. Maybe it was the garlic bread.


[User] It was the wine. We had a nice, candid conversation.

[Assistant] Nothing deep, mostly small talk.


[User] I'm sure.

[Assistant] Took your advice, complimented her shoes, that's fifteen minutes of chat right there.


[User] You two going to do dinner again?

[Assistant] I don't think so.


[User] Maybe we should go back to the blood thinners, up the dosage.

[Assistant] If it's not clots, a loading dose of blood thinners is gonna make him bleed out of his ears. Then he won't be able to hear. [Myron and Ramona tap on the glass of Diagnostics.] Oy ve. [yelling] Nobody home, leave a message!


[User] This is important!

[Assistant] Chase, Cameron, get another angiogram and echo. Better get a full-body scan. If it is clots, it'd be good to know where they are. [They all file out of the office; House goes to talk to Myron and Ramona.] Sorry about that. Guy dying.


[User] Those pills you gave Myron, they're not working.

[Assistant] Well, glad to see you've got the correct perspective on the thing.


[User] Well, the old ones, you know, made me feel like a tree!

[Assistant] Nice visual.


[User] The new ones, well, might as well be eating candy.

[Assistant] Candy wouldn't take away your headaches.


[User] What?

[Assistant] You came to me and told me that you were having too much sex.


[User] I nEver did!

[Assistant] You too, Sequoia.


[User] Well no, that's not true, I!

[Assistant] I know that Everybody lies, but you'd think that after a certain amount of time together you wouldn't be trying so hard. [Myron fidgets with his wedding ring.] Your rings don't match.


[User] What, well, why would they?

[Assistant] Well, style is one thing, but one silver, one gold? How long have you guys been married?


[User] [simultaneously] 55 years.

[Assistant] Damn it, you're having an affair.


[User] I just need a little rest.

[Assistant] You guys aren't the victim of the little blue pill, you're the pRoblem!


[User] Me, too. I should just have told you how I felt.

[Assistant] Aw. [Myron takes out a breath spray and sprays his mouth.] Oh, welcome to hell. [House closes his eyes as Myron and Ramona kiss in front of him. And it hits him. He takes the tic-tacs he took from Chase out of his pocket and starts to walk off.]


[User] Hey, how 'bout the pills?

[Assistant] Looks like you guys are good to go drug-free for a while. Dr. Chase, these breath mints you've been popping since yesterday. Are they a new fetish?


[User] Oh, I got them at Harvey's. What, I just took two boxes; the guy's got a whole drawer of them!

[Assistant] And you didn't find that interesting.


[User] Well, there's lots of interesting stuff at his place. The mints weren't high up on the list.

[Assistant] Wrong. Chase, get your nose in here.


[User] If you're trying to humiliate me, I told you "�

[Assistant] Come on, just put your face in his mouth. [Chase does so, and then recoils.]


[User] Ugh.

[Assistant] Rich, wouldn't you say?


[User] Uh. Smells like old vomit.

[Assistant] Number one sign of fulminating osteomylitis.


[User] Infection of the jaw?

[Assistant] PRobably from the original break. NEver healed properly. [CGI demonstrates.] Infected tissue from the jaw breaks off, blocks blood flow to the brain, and life just isn't worth living without blood.


[User] So how do we confirm?

[Assistant] Like this. [He sticks a syringe in Harvey's jaw, pulling out pus from the infection.] Ladies and gentlemen, we have pus. [He hands the syringe to Chase, and takes the tic-tacs from him, eating a few.] We're gonna remove the jaw. Anybody got a buzzsaw? Okay, call a surgeon. Hi, I'm Dr. House. [to the nurse] How's tricks, Annette? [The nurse turns, and it is indeed Annette in nurse's scrubs.]


[User] I just wanted to see if he was okay. I'll leave.

[Assistant] No, it's okay. I came to talk to you both. Like I tell all my Patients, you've simply got to say "no"� to strangulation. Me, I'm a freak, I get off on not being in pain. That, and chocolate-covered marshmallow bunnies.


[User] He's not a freak.

[Assistant] Yeah, he is. A little. But it's got to stop. Or he'll die.


[User] It's not about pain. It's about being open, being completely vulnerable to another person. If you can learn to be that deeply trusting! it changes you.

[Assistant] Well, lock him in a cage. That should be fine, medically.


[User] Dr. Riley is throwing up; he obviously can't lecture

[Assistant] You witnessed the spew, or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. I may have to go home for a few days.


[User] [laughing] Dr. Riley doesn't have a history of lying to me.

[Assistant] You said this is the fifth time he's missed a class this year! Either he's dying or he's lying.


[User] I'll give you two hours off clinic duty.

[Assistant] Fine, I'll have Cameron do it. She loves inspiring the inspired. [He starts to walk off.


[User] You'll do it.

[Assistant] [turning back] Why is it always me?


[User] Because the world hates you. Or because it's a class on diagnostics. Pick whatEver reason feeds your narcissism better.

[Assistant] I'm not doing it. [He leaves, stops at the door, and walks back in.] You're supposed to stop me. Renegotiate.


[User] Hmm, and you were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again.

[Assistant] I'll do the lecture for four hours off clinic.


[User] Dr. House, there's a Patient.

[Assistant] I'm outta here, take it up with Cuddy.


[User] Gregg. [House turns at the clinic doors to see! the infamous Stacy, waiting with a bunch of papers and x-ray films. She walks up to him; House looks! well, it's hard to describe. Run over by a bus sounds good.]

[Assistant] Hi, Stacy.


[User] How're you doing?

[Assistant] How am I doing? Well, the last five years have been like! you Ever see those "Girls Gone Wild"� videos?


[User] Your life's been like that, or your life's been spent watParkng them? [They both kind of smile.] I have missed you.

[Assistant] Is that why you're here? [Stacy shakes her head.]


[User] I need your help. [She hands him the films; he limps over to the clinic desk to take a look.]

[Assistant] Who am I looking at?


[User] My husband.

[Assistant] Who is suffering abdominal pain and fainting spells. No sign of tumors, no vasculitis. Could be indigestion, or maybe a kidney stone. A little one, can pack a lot of wallop.


[User] Did you think I wasn't going to get married?

[Assistant] Not to someone so poorly endowed. This guy's pancreas is pathetic. [He walks off, Stacy follows.]


[User] There is no kidney stone, no indigestion. Three hospitals, five doctors, not one of them found anything.

[Assistant] Well, maybe there's nothing to be found.


[User] Right, you suddenly trust doctors, love puppies and long walks in the rain.

[Assistant] The walks are out. [Stacy grabs his arm.]


[User] I was around you long enough to know when something's not right. Mark's had personality changes, he's acting strange, disconnected!

[Assistant] Interesting. It means there's either a neurological component or he's having an affair.


[User] No affair, no nothing! He's sick! I know you're not too busy; you avoid work like the plague. Unless it actually is the plague. I'm asking you a favor.

[Assistant] I'm not too busy, but I'm not sure I want him to live. It's good seeing you again. [He leaves, and Stacy is holding back tears.] Three guys walk into a clinic. Their legs hurt. What's wrong with them? [A student "� let's call him Keen Student "� raises his hand.] I'm not going to like you, am I?


[User] Most likely cause of leg pain is muscle strain. Apply heat and rest affected areas.

[Assistant] Statistically, you're right. Very good. My experience: over half of leg pain is musculoskeletal, generally from excessive exercise. Twelve percent is varicose veins brought on by pregnancy, and most of the rest is the result of vehicular accidents. I said three people. That's six legs. So, you've got three hurt jogging, two in collisions, and one of the legs is pregnant. [Some chuckles. Another student "� let's call her the Caring one "� pipes up.]


[User] What were they doing when pain presented?

[Assistant] I have no idea. [Enter the third student: the Rebellious one.]


[User] You didn't ask? You didn't take a history?

[Assistant] Of course, but all that told us was what they said happened. Person A, farmer, says he was fixing a fence. [Cut to a visual of the farmer.] Tightness of the ankle, loss of muscle control. [The farmer groans and collapses.] Person B, volleyball practice. [Cut to a girls' volleyball team, where there is one middle-aged Man playing with them. He dives for the ball and falls on the ground, clutParkng his leg.] Coach figured it was a pulled muscle. And C, [cut to a mini-golf course] we've got Carmen Electra. Golfing. [Her ball makes it into the golden Buddha, and she goes, "Yes!"�]


[User] Whoa, you treated the Baywatch Parkck?

[Assistant] The Baywatch thespian. And no, I've gotta disguise the identity of each of the Patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged Man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she's apparently quite the golfer. [He stands.] Now, in less than two hours, one of these three will get tossed out of the hospital because they were faking it to score narcotics, and one will be very close to death. Any guesses on which is which? [Silence.] Okay, I say we start with the farmer. Did you hike to the fence, and how far?


[User] Yes, it's about half a mile from my farmHouse.

[Assistant] And where's the pain localized?


[User] It started just above my ankle and it's radiating up.

[Assistant] So, what should we do first? [He turns, and Keen Student is standing right next to him.]


[User] Family history?

[Assistant] Indicative of leg pain? That's a very short list. Any history of bone cancer, osteogenesis imperfecta or multiple myeloma? [The farmer shakes his head. Caring Student pops up.]


[User] If the pRoblem's vascular, he's better off "�

[Assistant] Bzzt! Sorry, thanks for playing. Patient's dead. You killed him. [The students look and sure enough, the farmer's dead on the table.]


[User] We had no time to run any tests; there was nothing we could do!

[Assistant] You had time to look at the leg. [They look down, and the leg (and the overalls, and the whole farmer garb) is now the property of one Carmen Electra. She takes the straw out of her mouth and smiles.]


[User] I thought we were starting with the farmer's case first.

[Assistant] We are. But if we're going to look at a leg! I need you to take off your pants. [House stands in the corner with a smug look on his face as Carmen takes off the overalls. She gets back on the table, playing with her hair as she does so. House looks at the wound, and then looks out as he proclaims --] Puncture.


[User] Snakebite.

[Assistant] That would be my guess.


[User] Farmer didn't know he had been bit by a snake?

[Assistant] That's what he said. Sudden shooting pain, tall grass, nEver saw a thing.


[User] What kind of snake?

[Assistant] You want me to tell you what kind of snake it was from the shape of the hole in the leg?


[User] How are we supposed to know what kind of antivenin to use if we don't know what kind of snake it is?

[Assistant] Oh, there are people to find those things out.


[User] The guy might only have a couple of hours. [They open the gate, but close it again as a dog comes up barking at them.]

[Assistant] And while we wait for the HuMane Society to show up, what say we check up on the volleyball player?


[User] How old is this person? I mean, it's not really a 40-year-old Man on a girls' volleyball team, right?

[Assistant] It's a leg. A leg is a leg is a leg.


[User] Well, I was just worried that "�

[Assistant] Would you worry about her more if she was younger?


[User] Obviously we should care about our Patients no matter what age "�

[Assistant] Yeah, right. I saw the way you were looking at Carmen. She's mine, stay away. [Chuckles from the class.] Would you operate on your mother?


[User] Of course not. I'd be too nervous; couldn't be objective.

[Assistant] Then why are you so anxious to treat Every Patient like they're family? The actual Patient is 16. Here's what happens when doctors care to much.


[User] I went back three generations: no history of cancer, Parkinson's, or any other degenerative condition. But there's this boy at school, and he's on the boys' volleyball team, and they made out at a party, and now he won't call her back, and this friend of hers at school said this boy didn't like her and nEver did.

[Assistant] You got all this from an examination of the knee?


[User] I think she's depressed.

[Assistant] She doesn't have tendoni�


[User] She has tendonitis.

[Assistant] She's depressed about having tendonitis.


[User] She's depressed for the same reason she has tendonitis.

[Assistant] Not the boy.


[User] No, the boy's a jerk, she knows that, and yet she's depressed. I found a nodule.

[Assistant] Ah. PRoblems with the thyroid gland causes depressed mental state, can cause inflammation of the tendons.


[User] So, because she took such an extreme interest, she found out the person had a thyroid condition.

[Assistant] No, because she took such an interest she discovered a tiny nodule. Which, in reality, signified nothing, but gave us no choice but to put a person with tendonitis through an expensive and painful test. Here's how a well-adjusted doctor handles a case.


[User] Can I put my pants back on now?

[Assistant] I'd rather you didn't. [Caring Student shows up.]


[User] Which Carmen Electra is this?

[Assistant] First one. The golfer. [Enter Keen Student.]


[User] Then why isn't she wearing pants? [House gives him a look. Like, duh!]

[Assistant] [to Carmen] You have decreased reflexes in your patellar tendon. Anyone? [Rebellious Student has shown up.]


[User] Slipped disc?

[Assistant] Could be. How bad does it hurt?


[User] [deadpan] It hurts really, really bad.

[Assistant] Yeah?


[User] It doesn't seem real. Is she the one faking?

[Assistant] Oh, for God's sake. She's here to play out my fantasy, not because she's Meryl Streep. [Caring Student and Carmen both give him a look.] Fine. [Carmen disappears, and we see a Man in his late 30s, now known as Late 30s Man.]


[User] Or it could be referred pain from his groin.

[Assistant] Sir, are you getting pain anywhere else? [The last part is almost drowned out.]


[User] He's curling; it's not the back.

[Assistant] Sir, where are you getting pain?


[User] Help me!

[Assistant] Oooh.


[User] We have no history, he could be allergic.

[Assistant] [holding up the syringe] What do I do?


[User] Better than killing him with pain killers, then "� [While she is speaking, the Man grabs the syringe from House and sticks it in his leg.]

[Assistant] Apparently, he's not allergic.


[User] We screwed up.

[Assistant] No, you did exactly what his attending did.


[User] And that was the proper way to handle the case?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] The guy used him as a dealer!

[Assistant] You're going to see a lot of drug-seeking behavior in your practice, and there's a reason: it works. Meanwhile, back on the farm!


[User] It's not going to stay that way. [The monitors start to beep.] Paddles!

[Assistant] What say we take five? Get some coffee, go pee. [He leaves.]


[User] You didn't think she was going to get married?

[Assistant] She asked me the same question.


[User] And! what? You're not gonna treat him?

[Assistant] There's pRobably nothing wrong with him.


[User] Oh, sure, that makes sense. She's just using the old "sick husband"� routine as an excuse to get back in touch with you. You think this is easy for her? The only reason she'd be anywhere near you was if she was desperate.

[Assistant] So I should help her because she hates me.


[User] Found him.

[Assistant] The volleyball player was responding to the anti-inflammatories as you'd expect in a case of tendonitis.


[User] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the snakebite guy? I don't really care about the volleyball player.

[Assistant] What if I told you the volleyball player had a sudden massive stroke?


[User] Really?

[Assistant] No. But that would make you interested, right? What if her T4 came back low? It's not quite as interesting, but it has the benefit of being true.


[User] You said the thyroid biopsy was a wasted test.

[Assistant] No, I didn't. I said she put a person with tendonitis through an expensive and painful test. Apparently the Patient had tendonitis and a thyroid condition.


[User] So, that's it?

[Assistant] You were right the first time. Snakebite guy's way more interesting. Gross, actually.


[User] He faxed us the venom tests which confirmed it's a timber rattlesnake.

[Assistant] [looking at the tests] No, it's not. Notice the volume?


[User] I skimmed over that and the gender and the coloring and skipped right to the name of the snake.

[Assistant] 200mg. Our guy got bit less than four hours ago. There's no way a snake regenerates that much venom that quickly.


[User] We're supposed to know how fast snakes make their venom?

[Assistant] Nope. Unless you've got a Patient bit by one. Then it might be helpful. So what do we do now?


[User] He must have been bitten by a different snake. We go back and find it.

[Assistant] Or you go online and find there's only three poisonous snakes common in New Jersey: the copperhead, the timber rattler, and the coral. The copperhead and the timber rattler both respond to the antivenins we gave the guy.


[User] So we give him the antivenin for the other one.

[Assistant] Is that a question?


[User] Well, we can't just blindly give him another antivenin. Especially after the first one almost killed him. You said only three types of poisonous snakes commonly found in New Jersey. But what if this is an uncommon one?

[Assistant] Very good.


[User] We've gotta find the right snake.

[Assistant] No need. Odds are, by the time you get back the autopsy results will tell you what kind of snake it was.


[User] So we do give him the antivenin for the other one.

[Assistant] Again, was that a question? I asked what you would do. It seems unfair for you to ask me what you would do. Who gives the guy the other antivenin? [Half of the class raises their hands.] And who goes looking for the snake?


[User] I assume that one choice kills him and one saves him.

[Assistant] That's usually the way it works at the leg turning black stage.


[User] So half of us killed him and half of us saved his life.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] But we can't be blamed for "�

[Assistant] I'm sure this goes against Everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is "� maybe there's Even no way you could know what the right answer is "� doesn't make your answer right or Even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong. [voiceovers] We gave the guy the antivenin.


[User] He came back?

[Assistant] [taking some Vicodin] On average, drug addicts are stupid.


[User] I'd call the cops.

[Assistant] Good for you. A lot of doctors wouldn't risk their careers on a hunch.


[User] It's not a hunch, I mean, I know he wants drugs.

[Assistant] I beliEve drug addicts get sick. Actually, for some reason they tend to get sick more often than non-drug addicts. Luckily, you don't have to play your hunch, there's a faster way. Actually, there are sEveral. My preference is urine testing.


[User] But you already know he has drugs in his system.

[Assistant] That's not what I'm testing for. We're going to put this hard, rubber tube up your urethra and into your bladder. It might be a little uncomfortable.


[User] Shouldn't I be getting some kind of anesthetic? [He groans as the nurse does her job.]

[Assistant] We're concerned about allergic reactions today. If the guy can handle a rod in his penis for half an hour, he's really sick.


[User] Or he's really jonesing.

[Assistant] There's easier ways to get a hold of drugs. Other hospitals, for example. [He takes a mug out of the desk and sniffs it. He starts to walk off.] The volleyball player is not responding to treatment. [He leaves to go to the water fountain, and yells back -- ] At least we think it's not working on account of the fact she's getting worse. Can you still hear me?


[User] Not really!

[Assistant] [filling the mug] Well, if you can't hear me, how do you know what I asked?


[User] I promise to be very careful. [She gets ready to insert the needle, and the player flinches and yells as soon as the needle touches her skin.] Susan!

[Assistant] Not her real name!


[User] Lab over 16.

[Assistant] The question is why. Likely suspects?


[User] Whoa whoa whoa. Can you please slow down? [House takes a sip of water from the mug and spits it out.]

[Assistant] [slowly] The adenoma is most likely. Check her PTH "� -- phosphorus, and ionized calcium, and do a technetium sestamibi. Okay, that's enough about the volleyball player. What's up with the farmer? [They all look at him.]


[User] What farmer?

[Assistant] Snakebite guy. Oh, right, you guys don't know about him. He doesn't get bitten until three months after we treat the volleyball player. Luckily, it's been well established that time is not a fixed construct. [He walks over to the white board, which now has writing on it pertaining to the farmer.] His condition's not improving; double the dosage.


[User] Already did.

[Assistant] There's another antivenin, it's not as effective, but "�


[User] Already tried it.

[Assistant] The first stuff, the stuff he was allergic to "�


[User] Gave it to him with high-dose steroids. Nothing's working.

[Assistant] [to the camera] What does it all mean?


[User] Wrong snake?

[Assistant] We tried Every other antivenin we had.


[User] We're too late?

[Assistant] Yep. He's dying. His wife's here, finally found a babysitter. Who wants to let him know? Actually, I'm kidding.


[User] He's not dying?

[Assistant] Oh, yeah, he's dying, but there's no wife and kid. Which is great. Makes the "breaking the news"� thing way easier. Oh, yeah, one more piece of news. The drug addict is peeing blood. How do they teach you how to tell someone that they're dying? It's kind of like teaParkng arParktects how to explain why their building fell down. Do you roleplay and stuff?


[User] Yeah, one of us gives the bad news and one of us gets the bad news.

[Assistant] And what do you have to do to get an A in You're Dying 101? They grade you on gentleness and supportiveness? Is there a scale for measuring compassion? This buddy of mine, I gotta give him ten bucks Every time somebody says "Thank you."� Imagine that. This guy's so good, people thank him for telling them that they're dying. [He looks at his picture.] Eh, needs brown. I don't get thanked that often. You're dying. In a few hours. There's nothing we can do except deal with the pain.


[User] Well, I need to go home.

[Assistant] You're not going home.


[User] Wait, wait, wait. The guy's dying and all he cares about is his dog?

[Assistant] Any of you guys go the dog route in your improv sessions? It's a basic truth of the huMan condition that Everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for. Well, you must have a neighbor who "�


[User] The neighbors don't like him.

[Assistant] Then the HuMane Society can take him in and "�


[User] No, they won't. Maybe my aunt "�

[Assistant] It wasn't a snakebite, was it?


[User] I said I don't remember being bit.

[Assistant] Sure you do. Just not by a snake. I assume that Cujo bit one of your neighbors awhile back. You tell me that he bit you, and I gotta report it. Cujo's got a record, he gets the chair. The good news is, you might just live. The bad news is, your dog's gonna die.


[User] I got his head, just do it!

[Assistant] What would you call that? That's tea-colored, right? The guy who we thought was just after the drugs! what's the differential diagnosis for urine that's tea-colored?


[User] Kidney stone.

[Assistant] Kidney stones would cause what?


[User] Blood in urine.

[Assistant] What color is your pee?


[User] Yellow.

[Assistant] What color is your blood?


[User] Red.

[Assistant] What colors did I use?


[User] Red, yellow and brown.

[Assistant] And brown. What causes brown?


[User] Wastes.

[Assistant] Which means the kidneys are shutting down. Why?


[User] Trauma.

[Assistant] None that his history would indiCate.


[User] Could be damage done by the self-injection of the Demerol.

[Assistant] Treatment?


[User] Heat and rest "�

[Assistant] Other possible causes.


[User] Infection.

[Assistant] Start him on antibiotics. What else? [She pauses.] Come on, come on!


[User] I "� I don't know.

[Assistant] You're useless. But at least you know it. Blood tests show elevated creatine kinase, what does that tell you?


[User] The trauma diagnosis is right. He takes it easy for a few days, he'll be fine.

[Assistant] You sure?


[User] The elevated CK rules out infection "�

[Assistant] You know what's worse than useless? Useless and oblivious. [He goes to the Keen student.] What are they missing?


[User] You know, it's kind of hard to think when you're in our face like this "�

[Assistant] Yeah? You think it's going to be easier when you've got a real Patient really dying? [to Everyone] What are you missing?]


[User] [from the doorway] Muscle death.

[Assistant] Not your case.


[User] Dying muscle leaks myoglobin. It's toxic to the kidneys.

[Assistant] Brilliant. MRI his leg, see what's killing it.


[User] Why is the girl getting the MRI?

[Assistant] Because the neck scan rEvealed nothing and her doctor's way more obsessive than she thinks she is. [Cameron, sitting in the back, tries not to act like that was directed at her.]


[User] But you said the guy needed the MRI.

[Assistant] Because Dr. Cameron back there said muscle death, not one of you said it! Not one of this guy's doctors said it. They gave him bed rest and antibiotics, just like you guys would have.


[User] Did he get better?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Well, how long "�

[Assistant] Three days. It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession. Or finish medical school and teach.


[User] Three days before they thought it might have been muscle death?

[Assistant] No, three days before the Patient suggested it might have been muscle death.


[User] We may need to remove the leg.

[Assistant] His MRI showed that the leg pain wasn't caused by the self-injection, wasn't caused by an infection. It was an aneurysm that clotted, leading to an infarction.


[User] We have to do the surgery. The necrotic tissue has to be removed. If there's too much "�

[Assistant] I don't care what you find.


[User] It may become necessary in order to save your life.

[Assistant] I like my leg. I've had it for as long as I can remember.


[User] Honey, I love your leg as much as you do.

[Assistant] They're not cutting it off. Patient made the right choice. Tell a surgeon it's okay to cut a leg off and he's going to spend the night polishing his good hacksaw.


[User] Right, surgeons could care less about saving limbs.

[Assistant] Well, of course they care about their Patients. They just care about themselves more. Which is not an unreasonable position. Trying to maximize the tissue you save also maximizes the chances of something going wrong. Which means you've gotta be extra careful. Which is such a pain in the ass.


[User] Amazing advances have been made. Kids with prosthetic legs are running the 100-meter dash in twelve seconds.

[Assistant] Yeah, they're just not as pretty. Do a bypass, restore the circulation.


[User] Amputation is safer.

[Assistant] For you, or me?


[User] The blockage of blood flow "�

[Assistant] Four-day blockage.


[User] Yes. It caused muscle cell death. When those cells die, they release cytokines and potassium --

[Assistant] If you restore the blood flow instead of just lopping it all off, then all that crap gets washed back into my system. The cytokines could cause organ failure, the potassium could cause cardiac arrest. On the other hand, I may just get the use of my leg back.


[User] The post-operative pain alone "�

[Assistant] I'll get through it. I understand the risks, you're in the clear. Go schedule an OR. [Cuddy leaves.]


[User] God, you're an idiot.

[Assistant] I think I'm more of a jerk.


[User] I'm not being glib. And I'm not being cute, I don't want you to kill yourself.

[Assistant] I'm not gonna die.


[User] Oh, I feel completely reassured.

[Assistant] I think they gotta up that morphine.


[User] The doctors say they can't.

[Assistant] The doctors recommended bed rest and antibiotics.


[User] They screwed up, it doesn't mean they're wrong this time.

[Assistant] Sure doesn't mean they're right.


[User] Morphine will kill you.

[Assistant] I can handle it.


[User] You're in pain, you're not thinking right.

[Assistant] That's why I need the damn morphine!


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Nurse? Nurse! I need more calcium gluconate.


[User] You just had 5 mLs.

[Assistant] The QRS is getting wider. My potassium is rising.


[User] I'll talk to your doctor.

[Assistant] Well, you better make it fast, 'cause I'm about to go into cardiac arrest. You give me the dose, or I go into wide complex tachycardia.


[User] I could get in trouble "�

[Assistant] Listen, it's not a narcotic! I'm not looking for a buzz. You've got about twenty seconds. [His breathing quickens, and the monitors all go off.] I was wrong. [Nurses and doctors enter, including Cuddy.]


[User] Clear! [They shock him, and he flatlines.]

[Assistant] The Patient was technically dead for over a minute.


[User] [standing in the back] Do you think he was dead? Do you think those experiences were real?

[Assistant] Define real. They were real experiences. What they meant! Personally, I choose to beliEve that the white light people sometimes see visions, this Patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.


[User] You choose to beliEve that?

[Assistant] There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.


[User] You find it more comforting to beliEve that this is it?

[Assistant] I find it more comforting to beliEve that this isn't simply a test.


[User] How bad is the pain right now?

[Assistant] It's bad.


[User] It's not getting any better. If you were right, the pain would be subsiding. You'd be getting better.

[Assistant] It's just taking longer.


[User] No, it's not. We've got to let him cut the leg off.

[Assistant] It's my leg. It's my life.


[User] Would you give up your leg to save my life?

[Assistant] Of course I would.


[User] Then why do you think your life is worth less than mine? If this were any other Patient, what would you tell them to do?

[Assistant] I would say it's their choice.


[User] Wha "� not a chance! You'd browbeat them until they made the choice you knew was right. You'd shove it in their face that it's just a damn leg! You don't think you deserve to live? You don't think you deserve to be happy? Not let them cut off your leg? [They're both near tears.]

[Assistant] I can't, I can't, I'm sorry.


[User] The pain alone is going to kill you.

[Assistant] I know, I know. I need you to talk to the doctor.


[User] You'll be out in less than a minute.

[Assistant] Thank you. [to Stacy] Hey.


[User] Hey.

[Assistant] I'll see you when I wake up. We'll go golfing. I love you.


[User] I love you, too. I'm sorry.

[Assistant] [going under] You've got nothing to be sorry about. [Stacy gets up and walks over to Cuddy.]


[User] He won't see it that way.

[Assistant] Because of the extent of the muscle removed, utility of the Patient's leg was sEverely compromised. Because of the time delay in making the diagnosis, Patient continues to experience chronic pain.


[User] The Patient's an idiot.

[Assistant] [half-laugh] They usually are. Do you have a buzzer or something. What time does this class end?


[User] [at the doorway] Twenty minutes ago.

[Assistant] I'm not doing this again. [picking up the "World's greatest dad"� mug and walking toward Cuddy] And this guy is not the world's greatest dad. Not Even ranked. Who the hell lets their kids play with lead-based paint? That's why he's always sick. Find him some plastic cups and the class is all his again. [He leaves, leaving behind a full room of shellshocked students.] Stacy, it's Gregg. I've got an opening for ten tomorrow morning. Make sure your husband isn't late. [He hangs up, and enters his office.] I gotta go.


[User] No, no, he'll be here. I'm sure he's just running a little late.

[Assistant] He's cancelled two exams, he's not gonna "�


[User] He's scared of you.

[Assistant] Sure. The ex-boy-toy. Eh, that makes sense.


[User] He wasn't scared before.

[Assistant] Right, you think being afraid of me is a symptom of a serious ailment.


[User] Sudden mood swings, infantile regression, abdominal pain, he's passed out twice, yeah! I think it might be a medical pRoblem.

[Assistant] He's twenty minutes late. I'm outta here.


[User] Please. [She puts her hand on his.] He'll be here.

[Assistant] Why? Because he loves you and does Everything he's told?


[User] Because I didn't tell him you'd be here. [She gives him a "Ha!"� kind of look. House fixes the necklace Stacy's wearing "� a silver crucifix.]

[Assistant] He likes to see.


[User] Hey "� [about to make introductions, but --]

[Assistant] Hi. I'm Gregg House. You must be Matt.


[User] Hi. Wow. Gregg House.

[Assistant] Yeah. Wow.


[User] No, I haven't been avoiding you, I just didn't want to waste your time. The other doctors checked me out and they said it was just stress. College season, kids, parents, they're all over me.

[Assistant] Makes sense to me.


[User] Gregg "�

[Assistant] What do you want me to do?


[User] You said you'd check him out!

[Assistant] He says he's healthy. What's to check out?


[User] Sorry for the mix-up, but I'm glad you two got a chance to catch up. Looks like you're having fun.

[Assistant] Oh, he's good. If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything. I can't tell you how much I like your fella.


[User] Yeah, me too. You know, I thought you'd be all sarcastic, bitter, you know, because Stacy married me. [He puts an arm around Stacy to emphasize the fact.]

[Assistant] You know, we should do things together. Maybe throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff.


[User] We could go for a run together.

[Assistant] Hah! He's Oscar Wilde!


[User] Wow, this pissing contest is really turning me on. He needs to go to the hospital.

[Assistant] [raising his glass] Here's to women. You can't live with 'em, you can't kill 'em until the neighbors are stripping in Atlantic City.


[User] [raising his own glass] Damn straight. [They start to drink! and House finishes his glass first.]

[Assistant] I'm definitely taller.


[User] [entering the restaurant with a gurney] Someone call 911 for a wagon to Princeton-Plainsboro?

[Assistant] Garçon! [Translation corner: Garçon means "boy"� in French, and is a not-too-nice way to address a waiter.] [He snaps his fingers to get their attention.] It's okay, ladies and gentlemen, nothing to worry about. Unless you had the veal.


[User] You dosed him!

[Assistant] I told you, I'd check him out. I was a little worried they were gonna get here before he'd passed out. Would have been tougher to get him to drink. I'll give you a ride. We can talk. [Stacy gives him a dirty look and walks out with the paramedics.]


[User] I know. You made milk come out of my nose. [House enters.]

[Assistant] Morning. You guys got the file? What's wrong?


[User] Previous tests rEvealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or the mood swings.

[Assistant] Then we're done! What do you think, ball game, zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys.


[User] What about drugs? His tox screen on admission showed a massive amount of chloral hydrate.

[Assistant] Yeah, sorry, that was me. I had to dope him up to get him in here. Guy doesn't think he's sick.


[User] Who does?

[Assistant] His wife.


[User] The Woman you used to live with.

[Assistant] That's her Indian name. On her driver's license it's Stacy. I assume you have a point.


[User] You beliEve her over the Patient himself. That's why we're taking this case.

[Assistant] The truth, I hear voices. All the time. Telling me to do stuff, it's crazy, huh?


[User] What happened to "Everybody lies"�?

[Assistant] I was lying. Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. [heading to his office] Did I miss anything?


[User] Kitchen sink?

[Assistant] Well, we could certainly give that a "� oh, you minx.


[User] What you're thinking is, you're going to save him, be a hero, and win her back. It's always impressive, that lEvel of twisted narcissism.

[Assistant] She's married. Big clue I lost the game.


[User] You can't be within fifty feet of Stacy Warner.

[Assistant] I thought she wanted me to treat him.


[User] Treat the husband. Stay away from the wife.

[Assistant] But what if they get close to each other? What do I do then?


[User] Hey, you have to treat this like a regular case. [House gets into the elevator.] Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.

[Assistant] Please, don't put me on a pedestal.


[User] MRAs were clean, which means he's pRobably fine. He doesn't seem paranoid, he shows no signs of "�

[Assistant] No, it means we have no idea what's wrong with him. [Foreman walks up.]


[User] Ben Goldstein says the schedule's locked. He can't do it before tomorrow.

[Assistant] No, today. Call him. Tell him I'll make it work.


[User] [as Foreman walks off again] You're cutting him open?

[Assistant] [to Foreman] Whoa, hold it! There's no need for exploratory surgery, Dr. Cameron has a diagnosis.


[User] No, I just think it's premature and maybe irresponsible to do exploratory surgery before we know he's actually sick.

[Assistant] No, it's premature to put him on a list for hospice care. [Chase and Foreman both roll their eyes.] And it's maybe irresponsible to imply my actions are not rationally supported.


[User] All we have is his wife "�

[Assistant] Who says that his stomach hurts. Works for me.


[User] The Patient doesn't Even think he's sick. Why would he consent "�

[Assistant] His wife's a Lawyer. She's very convincing. Call Goldstein, surgery's on. [House walks off, then Chase and Foreman, leaving Cameron standing in the hall with her mouth hanging open.]


[User] Leslie vs. Leslie seems to be right in point, but I'm sure they're going to try to distinguish it by "� [she pauses as something is said over the overhead speaker] "� sorry, they'll try to distinguish it by relying on the minority opinion. [A paper coffee cup is thrust under her nose, held by one Dr. House.]

[Assistant] Double milk, no sugar.


[User] I like sugar now. [House sits next to Stacy. They both look bored and somewhat anxious. House keeps tapping his cane on the floor.] Some people would be annoyed by that. [House taps on the floor a few more times.]

[Assistant] You know why people sit in waiting rooms?


[User] This is gonna be good.

[Assistant] People think the closer they're sitting to the operating room, the more they care.


[User] That's why I'm here. I'm not moving until Everybody sees me.

[Assistant] Are you doing anybody besides Mark? [She looks at him.] It's a medical question.


[User] Because if I am his paranoia isn't paranoia, it's a justified response? Therefore, not a legitimate symptom?

[Assistant] Knew you'd understand.


[User] Mrs. Warner. The surgery went well; he's in recovery, you can see him now. [She leaves; House stands. Quietly to House --] Goldstein found nothing but a distended bladder.

[Assistant] Neurogenic bladder isn't causing the pain.


[User] Also doesn't cause personality changes. On the other hand, it would completely account for Cameron's diagnosis "� the Patient's completely healthy.

[Assistant] Give me the video for the surgery. Dr. Mandingo, you're needed at the plantation House. Well, don't Everybody talk at once. [He pops a couple of Vicodin.]


[User] There's nothing there. [House follows Cameron's eyes to what she's really looking at: a � empty bottle of whisky.]

[Assistant] Stop looking at the suspiciously empty bottle and look at the screen. Here's why I get the big bucks. This is nothing. An enhanced version of nothing. [He plays the tape a bit, then stops it.] This is the pRoblem.


[User] Means there's some sort of neurological pRoblem.

[Assistant] A time bomb in his brain. I forget, who said it was nothing?


[User] Saw a very small diffuse abnormality in the brain waves. PRobably white matter. Means his axonal nerves are dying. Explains the neurogenic bladder.

[Assistant] Enough nerves die, he dies.


[User] Early onset Alzheimer's. The worst.

[Assistant] He won't die right away. He'll just want to.


[User] We'll check his blood for Alzheimer's protein markers.

[Assistant] Last I heard Alzheimer's had a genetic component. Patient have parents?


[User] [checks the history] Parents died in a car crash. No history of dementia.

[Assistant] Send CSF or CBC and viral serologies to rule out encephalitis, and get Tal proteins to check for Alzheimer's. And this [wielding the history] still feels a little light.


[User] I took a complete medical history.

[Assistant] [to Foreman] Check out their House. Take SParky with you.


[User] They live in Short Hills, two hours away.

[Assistant] You can expense the tolls.


[User] You're not interested in the medical history. You're a Peeping Tom trying to spy on your ex.

[Assistant] [to Foreman and Chase as they leave] Her secret diary: that's the main thing. But as long as you're there, take a peek in the medicine cabinet. Check for toxins, heavy metals! anything that would explain this other than encephalitis or Alzheimer's. [The men leave.] And get receipts for the tolls! [Cameron storms out, as well.]


[User] Regularly used, could lead to neurotoxicity. Explains the axonal nerve damage and the personality issues. [House picks up the bottle.]

[Assistant] On the other hand, prescribed to W. Brown.


[User] Fake name, fake prescription.

[Assistant] Could be, but the prescribing doc, his name's real. This guy's just had his license pulled for writing illegal prescriptions to high school kids.


[User] Mark's a high school guidance counselor.

[Assistant] And Mr. Brown's birth date makes him 17-years-old. You think maybe these were confisCated by a high school guidance counselor? [He pockets the bottle.] Anything else?


[User] Uh, yeah, he switched from mountain biking to yoga, could have been indication "�

[Assistant] He's getting older. What did the CSF say about encephalitis?


[User] Said no. Champagne tap. No red cells, no white cells, serology's negative.

[Assistant] Which means we're back to Alzheimer's.


[User] I told her he didn't have it. The marker tests were negative.

[Assistant] Well, then you should have told her that. He could still have it. PET scan will rEveal any change in metabolic activity in the cerebral cortex, run him through. And check his memory.


[User] Yeah. First we're gonna map out some specific brain functions, check out the engine before we take the car for a drive. [Foreman enters the room next to the maParkne, and finds House hiding in wait.] Checking up on me?

[Assistant] I like all the pretty lights. [The tech injects the chemical, and Mark starts to enter the maParkne.]


[User] Find a mailbox and mail it.

[Assistant] Jeez, what a guy. His frontal lobe is working way better than mine. [into the mike] You remember when you got married?


[User] Three years ago this July, who is that?

[Assistant] What? There could be a pRoblem with his long-term memory. [in the mike] Big church wedding?


[User] Is that House?

[Assistant] He remembers voices.


[User] This serves no diagnostic purpose.

[Assistant] I thought you skimped on the limbic system, there. Emotional reactions, I just want to be thorough. [in the mike] Did the atheistic bride wear a pretty, white dress?


[User] Was she thinking of you? Is that what you medically need to know?

[Assistant] What jewelry did your bride wear?


[User] She nEver wears any jewelry. Except that cross her mother gave to her. No underwear, either. At least, not that day. I remember because she ripped her pretty, white dress off in the car. Is that the sort of answer you're looking for, Doctor?

[Assistant] I think I upset him.


[User] I remember the Honeymoon was in Paris. I remember because we didn't leave the room for two weeks. You want the details on that?

[Assistant] A little defensive.


[User] It's not paranoia if someone's out to get you.

[Assistant] Here we go. [Stacy shoves him.]


[User] He's sick, paranoid, and you keep hammering him about me?

[Assistant] The questions were designed to define the operational parameters of his limbic system "�


[User] Elevate the words all you want, you were just screwing with him. Low Even by your standards.

[Assistant] Medical screwing. It's what I do.


[User] And then you run away like a 12-year-old. Go hide on the roof like you always do.

[Assistant] I haven't been up here in five years. [a lengthy, awkward pause] I don't know what's wrong with him. It's not Alzheimer's, it's not encephalitis, it's not environmental, it's not immunological. Every test is negative, Every time. He's perfectly healthy, but his brain is dying.


[User] It nEver occurred to me that you couldn't figure out what's wrong. [Stacy starts to cry, and House walks over to hug her.]

[Assistant] I haven't given up.


[User] So what do we do?

[Assistant] We wait.


[User] For what?

[Assistant] Something to change. It's one of the great tragEdies of life, something always [they break apart], something always changes.


[User] What's happening?

[Assistant] Time marches on. He's paralyzed.


[User] But he's experiencing significant paresthesias, and he can't move his hands or toes.

[Assistant] It's peripheral. Guillain-Barre syndrome attacks there, not the brain.


[User] No, no. I already did an indirect Coombs' test. No glutination, no antibodies!

[Assistant] Initiative! Like that. Start him on IV immunosuppress�


[User] No antibodies means he doesn't have Guillain-Barre, period!

[Assistant] Period? More like dot dot dot. What if he has the virus but isn't producing those antibodies?


[User] Come on, the chances of that are "�

[Assistant] I didn't ask about the Vegas line, I said "what if?"�


[User] So we either fight it for him or it's fatal.

[Assistant] Fatal sounds very bad to me.


[User] But without the antibodies we can't Even test for it. We don't know if we're right.

[Assistant] The treatment isn't all that dangerous, plasmapheresis and IVIG. If it works, we're right. If he dies, it was something else.


[User] Mark, what you're feeling, it's not real. It's the virus. [Mark starts to choke; Cameron looks into his mouth with her penlight.] Mark? His throat's closing up, he can't breathe. Code blue! [Nurses rush in.] He's having a reaction to the IVIG, I need epi stat! [She tries to tube him but he keeps jerking around.] I can't get the scope in his throat!

[Assistant] Stop that.


[User] He's having an allergic reaction and he's crashing!

[Assistant] No, he's not. Look at his vitals. O2 stats are within range. I'm betting the only abnormal sign is sweaty palms. [Stacy, still holding his hand, nods.] Push two milligrams Ativan. [She pushes it, and Mark calms down.] Just a panic attack. Something obviously freaked him out. Can we talk now?


[User] You couldn't just walk into the room?

[Assistant] He's had five visitors drive down. I didn't recognize any of them. Six more have sent him flowers, candy and a teddy bear, which I'm sure he finds very comforting. But I didn't recognize any of the names on the cards.


[User] Shockingly, Mark has friends, and I have some new ones.

[Assistant] No, it's not shocking that you have new friends. But it is shocking that you apparently dumped all your old ones.


[User] I haven't.

[Assistant] No, I didn't think so. I just think you didn't tell any of them that you were down here. Now why would that be? [A doctor comes to use the telephone at the desk; they move to another spot.] Why would you not tell your oldest friends that you were taking Mark to Princeton-Plainsboro TeaParkng Hospital to try to save his life?


[User] I've been busy! I haven't kept track of who knows what.

[Assistant] See, my old friends are telling me to be careful. They seem to think "�


[User] He. And he sent me the bear.

[Assistant] Figures. He seems to think that I'm not over you. It might be dangerous for me to spend time with you. I'm thinking your friends might have similar concerns. And so you didn't tell him you'd be here, with me.


[User] What's your point? That I'm still in love with you? I should abandon my dying husband and we should head for Rio?

[Assistant] No.


[User] What's up?

[Assistant] Love the bear, it was adorable.


[User] My wife's going to kill me. We're having company, she cooked.

[Assistant] I got Mark's latest blood work, he's not responding to treatment.


[User] I'm sorry.

[Assistant] I was happy. He's my Patient. I'm sure he's a good guy, he's pRobably a great guy. PRobably a much better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I'm just not sure if it's because I want to be with her or if it's because I want her to suffer. Hey. Is it okay if I talk to Stacy for a minute?


[User] I'll be just outside, Honey.

[Assistant] You two are good together.


[User] You know nothing about Mark.

[Assistant] He took you to Paris, that's good enough for me.


[User] We nEver went to Paris.

[Assistant] Your Honeymoon. It's been your dream city, you wanted to go since you were sixteen, he actually took you.


[User] No, I had to work. We spent the night in New York, then went back to Short Hills. What is it?

[Assistant] When did Mark switch from mountain biking to yoga?


[User] About a month ago. The same time he started getting sick, what does that mean?

[Assistant] We have two more symptoms. Patient was asked a series of questions to determine the functionality of his brain.


[User] You grilled him about Stacy.

[Assistant] WhatEver. Yeah, point is he told us Everything we needed to know to diagnose him, that is if we use your fancy PET scan as a lie detector. See, it's a very creative process, lying. Now, telling the truth is a much simpler process. See here. Question nine, this is where Mark gives a long, rambling answer about taking Stacy to Paris. What does the PET scan say?


[User] He said he went to Paris and the PET confirms it, so what?

[Assistant] They didn't go. They didn't go to Paris, and yet Mark's brain apparently thinks that he really did spend 40 francs on a tour of the Bastille. [He starts to erase the white board.] So we have an intermittent syndrome that presents with abdominal pain, polyneuropathy, paranoia and delusions. Now, here's the thing about Acute Intermittent Porphyria. It'll jump you in a dark alley, beat the crap out of you, leave you bleeding. But it leaves gloves, so no fingerprints. Doesn't show up in blood tests, urine tests, nothing. Unless you catch it red handed in the middle of an attack.


[User] But there are other symptoms of AIP.

[Assistant] Such as?


[User] Light sensitivity?

[Assistant] Yeah, well, one of the true tragEdies of this condition is it makes you want to stick your cool, new mountain bike in the garage and take up an indoor sport like, say, yoga. Start the treatment: hematin and glucose.


[User] And there's no way to predict when he'll have another attack.

[Assistant] Sure there is. Acute Intermittent Porphyria has very specific triggers. Barbiturates, alcohol, high lEvels of protein set off an attack.


[User] Which trigger do you think set off Mark's?

[Assistant] Not the faintest idea, that's why I'm going to give him the combo plate.


[User] So if he has this, and you trigger the attack, the attack makes him worse. Right?

[Assistant] Yeah. But then we'll know what it is and we can treat it.


[User] What if I don't have this thing and you give me that shot? What happens?

[Assistant] No idea. If we don't know what's messing up your brain we don't know how you'll react.


[User] Okay, I need a minute with my husband. [The team leaves. Mark is shown talking through the glass, then Stacy gets up and leaves.] He doesn't want the trigger. He wants to wait, see if we can come up with another explanation. If it is the AIP, how much time does he have?

[Assistant] No idea. Next attack could be fatal. Could be six months from now, could be five minutes from now.


[User] I want you to test him.

[Assistant] Fine. I'll send for a HMB synthetase mutation, genetic test. Lab will get back to us in a month.


[User] Give him the cocktail, set off an attack.

[Assistant] No.


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] Because he doesn't want me to.


[User] I'm not going to sue you. I'm not going to report you.

[Assistant] He might.


[User] He's paralyzed! Either you cure him, or he won't be writing any letters.

[Assistant] I'm not gonna do it.


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] You keep asking me that question; my answer doesn't change. I gave him the parameters, it's his call.


[User] You want him to die.

[Assistant] I diagnosed him, I did my job. You want somebody to tie him down and force him into treatment, well, you're way better at that than I am.


[User] Is that what this is? Payback for your leg? How Many times have we been over this; I saved your life.

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe.


[User] You're going to kill my husband to teach me a lesson?

[Assistant] No, he's going to die because he's too stubborn to make the right choice.


[User] Now we're in your territory.

[Assistant] I'm respecting your husband's decision, I don't see why you've got a pRoblem with that.


[User] Because it's crap! Because you browbeat Patients, intimidate them, lie to them. If you think you're right you don't give a damn what they think. I did what you do all the time, the only difference is I did it to you.

[Assistant] He'll nEver forgive you.


[User] Not like you do. I only met him when he drugged me.

[Assistant] [at the doorway] Boy, are my ears burning.


[User] What's that?

[Assistant] [holding up a syringe] Cocktail hour. Just because you can't hoist a few doesn't mean you should be left out.


[User] I don't.

[Assistant] Smart. Too bad you're paralyzed. [He takes the IV to push the syringe, but Foreman stops him.] Bing! Paging Dr. Foreman! Leave the room. It's not your pRoblem.


[User] You need the consent from him.

[Assistant] Doc, he ain't right in the head!


[User] Then you need a court order.

[Assistant] Okay, then get one. We'll wait here. I won't do nothin'. [The three Ducklings have moved so they're forming a wall between House and Mark's bed.] Oh, love the Musketeer thing. I got goosebumps.


[User] [near tears] Please, if you're right this may be his only shot.

[Assistant] So what's your plan? You take the big, dark one, I've got the little girl and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough. I can't do it. [He turns away, Everyone relaxes, and then BOOM! House sticks the syringe in Mark's leg.]


[User] You son of a bitch!

[Assistant] See what I did there?


[User] [checking Mark's vitals] If he had AIP, it should have already happened.

[Assistant] Everyone's different.


[User] Is that an attack? [Cameron runs over with the Ativan, but House swipes it away with his cane.]

[Assistant] No, you'll pollute the sample! Chase, get urine from the catheter.


[User] He needs Ativan!

[Assistant] This is not a stroke! Delta wave bursts just at the base of the spasm. [The catheter falls to the floor.]