[User] I'm keeping her out for a few days. There's been a little outbreak�

[Assistant] Parkcken pox. Sorry, but if I let you finish that sentence, that would be much less impressive. Parkcken pox is no big deal for kids, but it's a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad deal for grown-ups.


[User] You think Jack has Parkcken pox? But he doesn't have blisters. He's not itchy, and Daisy nEver got it.

[Assistant] I know. Again, that's why it's so impressive that I figured it out. Five percent of cases present without blisters. The kid was just a carrier. (To Jack) I'm gonna start you on anti-varicella gamma globulin, which will save your life. But it won't make me a hero.


[User] Culture confirmed Jack does have Parkcken pox. It just took six hours longer.

[Assistant] Autopsy works too. FYI, turns out your hero is a loser. He's going back on the road.


[User] He still risked his life for that Woman.

[Assistant] That was impulse. That was easy. Dealing with family is hard. Wait, that's another thing I got right. How Many does that make? (Masters shows two fingers.) And how Many for you? (Masters turns back to leave, wordlessly. House calls her back.) I'm also kicking your ass at gloating.


[User] Then what are we doing?

[Assistant] You know, you turned out remarkably close to normal, considering the genes in play.


[User] Thanks.

[Assistant] Here! In case your mom comes back. (He gives her a prescription bottle tied with a red bow.) Happy Birthday. Yes. (A beat.) Oh, no, I can't.


[User] Wilson.

[Assistant] It's, uh, bowling night. He'll nEver forgive me if I don't. (Cuddy gives him a look.) Oh, screw it. I'm coming.


[User] No, no, no. I am not gonna be responsible for that. You drugged the Man. You go bowling with him.

[Assistant] Well, my chances of sex are considerably lower with Wilson. (Cuddy doesn't flinch.) Fine.


[User] Oh, you're a whore!

[Assistant] 38-year-old former marine came into the E.R. with back pain. Now his bladder aches as much as his back because he can't empty it. What are we looking at this morning? Up-skirt celebrity? Endearingly funny cat?


[User] Another study about gays being better parents. We were lured in by the word "lesbian." Has he taken any antihistamines or anticholinergics?

[Assistant] Nope. And the E.R. ruled out enlarged prostate, stopped colon, and spinal injury.


[User] Military history � In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking! steroids?

[Assistant] Fascinating.


[User] Thanks. We can wean him off�

[Assistant] Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little � I'm guessing too little.


[User] It's hardly surprising you agree with our Patient's philosophy. You run your department like a boot camp. As if cruelty ensures perforMance.

[Assistant] [long pause] Oh, is this where I'm supposed to disagree with you?


[User] The diagnosis of urinary retention depends on the particular mechanical cause. We need to know if there's a blockage in the urethra versus a nerve or a muscle pRoblem with the bladder.

[Assistant] Fascinating! without misdirect. Cath him and see what's stopping him from emptying his bilge. [He gets up to leave but stops at the door.] Oh, not you, Chase. Sending Captain Micropenis to deal with what is pRobably normal-sized equipment, it's too cruel, Even for me. Good morning. [Rachel gets up and surprises him, with a huge smile on her face.] And what brings the lesser Cuddy to these parts?


[User] Pediatrician appointment for an s-h-o-t. Waldenwood insists vaccination reports go in with the application. [To Rachel.] Honey, finish your oatmeal.

[Assistant] Waldenwood. Is that by any chance a boarding school? Or a work camp?


[User] It's our first-choice preschool.

[Assistant] Blocks made of gold! Kids don't have to pick their own noses!


[User] Great facilities and teachers. And they're known for their gifted program.

[Assistant] You sure that's the right place for her? Sounds a little snobby.


[User] Let me go. Let me go!

[Assistant] She's fine. How 'bout we get back to someone who isn't?


[User] The Patient's in restraints and on Haldol, which seems to have made him lucid.

[Assistant] Differential diagnosis. Back pain, neurogenic bladder, psychosis.


[User] A symptom which we learned about when he choked me. Hate to slow us down by acknowledging it.

[Assistant] And yet you have. Tertiary syphilis fits.


[User] Unless he didn't know about it. Maybe one of those kids at the camp got tired of Driscoll's lessons and poisoned him.

[Assistant] Go to the camp. Check for potential poisons. [The guys leave the room. House stops Masters before she does too.] I all but ignored your assault, showed you no compassion whatsoEver, but you came up with a good idea. Score one for tough love.


[User] Actually, three.

[Assistant] How do you cheat on a test when there's no test?


[User] Go away, House. [putting on the coat while walking] I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.

[Assistant] But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood preschool. The pRoblem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.


[User] And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.

[Assistant] Cuddy cares about her. When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling.


[User] Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.

[Assistant] Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces.


[User] Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker!

[Assistant] Thanks for the advice!


[User] Pushing fluid sent his heart into overdrive. It took three doses of adenosine to get it under control.

[Assistant] Treating him for antihistamine toxicity rEvealed a new symptom, which rEvealed that he didn't have antihistamine toxicity in the first place.


[User] House, where are you?

[Assistant] Playground. Great place to meet Parkcks. Their moms too.


[User] It would cause bladder pRoblems, unlike pheochromocytoma.

[Assistant] Well done, Chase. Now, turn off your phone.


[User] You heard that? It's on vibrate.

[Assistant] I'm assuming it's been ringing almost nonstop since you changed your status update to "nothing lights my fire like a lady of size � less than three bills, don't bother calling." Followed by your cell number.


[User] No, no, no, you're right. This is in no way clEver and hysterical.

[Assistant] Before you start rolling anyone in flour, work the Patient out for a pheo. Adrenaline pituitary scans, 24-hour urine collection.


[User] How soon after the admissions session did the Parkld get sick?

[Assistant] The kid barely got home before she collapsed. Her parents are a wreck. Desperate for answers. Have you experienced any symptoms, or does someone else oversee these sessions?


[User] The teachers supervise. No one's mentioned feeling sick. I'd love to call the family and offer my support.

[Assistant] Sorry, I can't rEveal names. Doctor-Patient confidentiality. So this is where all the admissions play dates happen? She wouldn't have been in another room?


[User] This is where we have them all. Maybe, to be safe, we get rid of these toys.

[Assistant] No, no, no, don't do that. I'll tell you if anything's toxic. For now, you should minimize your exposure.


[User] You're early. Dinner's not ready.

[Assistant] Oh! okay. Rachel and I will go play in her room.


[User] Really?

[Assistant] I'm hungry. Go cook. All right, you little lump of clay! Rachel. Rachel! It's a new toy. What kid doesn't like new toys? [He sits down beside her.] A moron, that's who. Okay, look at the pretty colors. Now, what color is this? [He holds up a yellow piece.] Hmm?


[User] Orange!

[Assistant] Yes, that is orange. What color is this? Okay, blocks going away. Bye-bye blocks. Next time, reinforce the lEvees. Bad Corps of Army Engineers. Bad! What's this? Oh! Rings! Look at the rings. Now, the goal of this game is! To not kill you.


[User] We had to put him on a diltiazem drip to regulate his heart.

[Assistant] That means he's running out of time. [Pointing at Masters] It means you are too. Your campaign to soften him up so he would go easier on the kids! All in a pointless attempt to validate your own upbringing. Another cardiac arrhythmia?


[User] No. BeliEve me, I asked. Those were some fun conversations.

[Assistant] Do you beliEve the answers?


[User] Delivery for Dr. Chase.

[Assistant] That's me.


[User] The camp is in the woods. There are tons of opportunities for infection that not Every person will pick up. Legionellosis from water, toxoplasmosis from dirt, brucellosis from animals.

[Assistant] Too bad none of those explain his symptoms. "Casey and Sanford Wells thank me for my extraordinarily generous donation to their wedding charity."�


[User] Nocardia fits. Bacteria lives in the dirt. They both�

[Assistant] Nocardia starts in the lungs, not the bladder.


[User] 40% of Lyme Patients don't dEvelop a rash, and a bite is easy to miss.

[Assistant] Start him on doxycycline for lyme.


[User] $2,500?

[Assistant] Cancel your credit card, find that girl, and marry her.


[User] Hey. Your turn to pick.

[Assistant] Ready, set, feed the monkey!


[User] Well, this isn't weird at all.

[Assistant] She's got the fine motor skills of The Hulk in oven mitts. Do you want a doodle? [He grabs a bag of Cheese Doodles to bribe her.] Do you? Feed the monkey. Cuddy puts her to bed at 7:30, which cuts way into our training time. Play date's on Friday.


[User] What is that?

[Assistant] Dog training clicker. Gives immediate positive reinforcement, bridging the precious seconds between desired behavior and treat delivery.


[User] House, she's not a dog. [Rachel does it again, House presses the clicker one more time.] It really seems to be working. [Rachel eats a doodle.] Does Cuddy know that Rachel's here, and that you're turning her into a schnauzer?

[Assistant] I told Marina that Rachel and I are working on a secret art project for mommy. Which means that some Peds Patient is about to be short one art project.


[User] The sacrifices we make for our Parkldren's education.

[Assistant] Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl?


[User] Landon didn't respond to doxycycline either. I think we can rule out Lyme. I thought I was getting through to him, and he just wanted to steal my car keys. [She is upset.]

[Assistant] If only his previous behavior had given you a reason to expect that.


[User] Why are you putting hot sauce on a toy?

[Assistant] Maybe you don't care if Parkldren chew on your Caterpillar. I think it's wrong. What causes kidney dysfunction on top of Everything else?


[User] Arsenic poisoning. And people do change. Driscoll took it to heart when I asked him to think about Landon's history. He was much nicer, and then�

[Assistant] Wow, two ideas that don't make any sense. If it was arsenic, they'd be puking and pooping. And conversations with moralizing strangers do not make people change their behavior. Rachel is not gonna do that more than once! [He licks it again.]


[User] Not without G.I. involvement. Why is it impossible to beliEve I made a compelling argument, and he�

[Assistant] If he changed, it's because something besides you made that argument compelling.


[User] Compromised kidneys secondary to bladder issues points to botulism toxin, which lives in soil. Got into the kid's bloodstream through the cut on his forehead. Got into the drill instructor's through some abrasions on his feet.

[Assistant] Good idea. Give 'em both the antitoxin.


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] I'm Dr. House. And that boy is the spitting image of his mother. Of course, I've nEver seen her, but his care worker told my lackey that you paid his enrollment fee at the camp. That could mean that you're a family friend, but then, why hide it? The only person who'd want to hide it! is his deadbeat dad, who has decided not to be a deadbeat anymore.


[User] Please, don't tell him.

[Assistant] We spend days looking for a link between them, and he doesn't tell us the kid is his son.


[User] Our Patients are related. That can't be a coincidence. [He stands up as he suddenly seems to have an epiphany about his own situation.] I just had an idea.

[Assistant] Relevant to our case?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Sit. Wegener's can be brought on by exposure to heavy metals. Did you see anything at the camp?


[User] Seems like someone else in the camp would have had lead poisoning.

[Assistant] You got anything better? Treat with cyclophosphamide. [to Chase] Go find your bliss. [Chase leaves.] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a play date. [He leaves.]


[User] It's so sweet of you coming to this.

[Assistant] Just trying to be supportive. I've heard that's what boyfriends do.


[User] You're pumped 'cause your kid lied?

[Assistant] She's not my kid. She's a pain in the ass. And she's a better liar than you are. You didn't cut your leg getting into your truck. The abrasion has dirt and gravel in it. [He leans forward to smell the wound.] A bit of fertilizer too.


[User] Tripped in my greenHouse. Growing my own organic veggies.

[Assistant] Didn't ask. Not gonna tell. [He clearly doesn't care and is still psyched about Rachel.] She didn't hesitate. She didn't oversell. Took me years to learn how to lie like that. And Rachel has it on instinct.


[User] Sounds like you're real fond of that kid.

[Assistant] You're really not good with nuance, are you? [He tries to deny the obvious.] I admire her talent. I'm just gonna numb you up! [He suddenly has an idea.] I gotta go. [He leaves the room.]


[User] Latest kidney function test shows no improvement.

[Assistant] Nice stitches. Do they hurt?


[User] No. They gave me a shot of something.

[Assistant] That was Lidocaine. It triggered an underlying genetic condition called variegate porphyria.


[User] But I didn't have any Lidocaine.

[Assistant] But you had a handful of antihistamines, courtesy of the deviant in the next bed. It's also a porphyria trigger.


[User] Wait, so we have the same genetic thing?

[Assistant] Yeah! small world. [He gives a meaningful look at Driscoll and heads out.]


[User] I don't beliEve you.

[Assistant] You don't think a white guy can be a bad father? Happy to check your DNA. Do you really think he'd say he's your dad if he isn't? It's not like you're a catch. [He leaves.]


[User] Waldenwood called. They love Rachel, but they have no room. Something about more siblings than usual. We should apply next year.

[Assistant] She's a smart kid. She'll be fine.


[User] You mean that?

[Assistant] Yeah, I do.


[User] Is no one gonna tell me!

[Assistant] [without taking his eyes off the screen] Shh-shh-shh.


[User] She needs a doctor.

[Assistant] Yes, just not me. Your mom is a 65-year-old Woman with high blood pressure.


[User] What about the macrocytic anemia?

[Assistant] Borderline, which is the lab equivalent of imaginary, which, by the way, matches the rest of her medical history.


[User] You really think she's psyParkng herself into atrial fibrillation?

[Assistant] So get her a cardiologist. You don't want me involved. You don't want you involved. All that ethics stuff that I don't give a crap about suddenly makes sense. If you're emotionally invested, you cannot make rational decisions. You know this would be a disaster.


[User] [quietly] This is my mother.

[Assistant] [smiling "pleasantly"�] Treadmill test went well � no chest discomfort or ischemia. The abnormal rhythm will pRobably resolve itself, and if not, a daily pill will keep it under control. I will follow up later today.


[User] Aye! Not her fault. This "Dean of Medicine" stuff � very impressive at parties. But she's forgotten how to be a real doctor. It's all in my file.

[Assistant] There are 15 years of clinic visits in this file.


[User] I don't want to be a bother. But isn't this what you do for a living?

[Assistant] [opening the file] So! we're looking for a disease that can last a decade and a half, causes constipation, diarrhea, flu, cold, dizziness, rashes, back and joint pain, "heart feeling weird," "kishkes feeling wobbly," one actual hip replacement. And which has eluded detection by years of blood work, X-rays, and MRIs. Well, one thing does pop to mind.


[User] It means we might have an actual case.

[Assistant] Mexican herbal medication for stomach pRoblems, but only in the sense that lead chromate is an herb and poison is a medication.


[User] I'll start a chelation I.V. Thank you so much. That wasn't too much of a disaster, was it?

[Assistant] You know! that's not the only thing they found in her home.


[User] Not my yearbook!

[Assistant] Nope. Just some stuff that could cause sEvere nausea and perManent erectile dysfunction! and which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, it's some contractor named Jesus! which, granted, was originally a Jewish name, but!


[User] He shouldn't have broken your nose.

[Assistant] You know, texts, calls, and emails all go to the same magic device these days. You only got to send one.


[User] Then it's Even weirder it took you so long to get down here.

[Assistant] [playing nice] Yeah, that's a crazy mystery. It's not like I got a department to run.


[User] This other magic device [her computer] tells me that lead poisoning wouldn't cause all my symptoms.

[Assistant] True. But it could cause the 5% that are real.


[User] You think I'm a hypochondriac?

[Assistant] Well, let me answer this way� maybe you're imagining that I think you're a hypochondriac.


[User] Look, my hand just started to shake. It's a side effect of these arthritis pills. Read the label.

[Assistant] I did! when I was typing it up, right before I slapped it on a bottle of sugar pills.


[User] You printed a fake label! just to prove I'm a hypochondriac?

[Assistant] Did it work?


[User] An hour to convince her to go with Dr. KaufMan, and only then because he runs internal medicine. She wanted to leave the hospital entirely.

[Assistant] My God, a Woman getting better wants to leave the hospital?


[User] If she's getting better, it's not because you made her feel like a fool.

[Assistant] It couldn't be more because. If I hadn't, she'd have diagnosed herself with six new forms of cancer. She'd nEver leave.


[User] I'll be right there. [to House] A-fib's at 170.

[Assistant] Wait. I'm sorry she's sick. I'm not sorry I'm off the case.


[User] You're not off the case.

[Assistant] You don't think you can convince her�


[User] No, no. You are staying on. She just can't know about it.

[Assistant] Top of the morning, Dr. KaufMan. Here's the deal. You copy me


[User] No.

[Assistant] I thought you spoke to Cuddy.


[User] Yeah. Then I spoke to the elder Cuddy, who specifically requested you not be involved.

[Assistant] Listen, Kauffy, you are perfectly competent, bordering on good, Even. But you know I'm better. If you want, we can pretend it's 'cause I got a team and more resources. Either way, it'd be crazy to ignore my advice.


[User] You bugged the room?

[Assistant] I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.


[User] Guess we can pass unethical and skip straight to illegal.

[Assistant] Not according to the recent Supreme Court case of bite versus me.


[User] If you want gloomy and unable to commit, then stick with the goyishe one.

[Assistant] This is completely unethical. Why are we listening to this?


[User] I know I'm a pain, but it's impossible for me to work with you if you�

[Assistant] Fine, fine! Instead of a live stream, I'll get a recap from Cuddy 20 minutes later � thank you for saving America.


[User] Sounds good.

[Assistant] Yeah. I was really hoping for a different diagnosis � one that KaufMan hadn't already come up with. He just started a bone-marrow biopsy.


[User] So we don't need to do anything.

[Assistant] I don't. You do. Go to admitting. Find us a new case. [House takes his backpack and goes to his office. As soon as Masters leaves, he leans back into the conference room and whispers to get the guys' attention.] Whff! Psst, psst! Whaa! Phfffft! DDX.


[User] Um, we just did it.

[Assistant] No, we just did the fake one. Why do you think I let the truth fairy know about the bug? I was testing her. She failed. She's still a narc. Thiamine deficiency fits better than leukemia.


[User] You think she's an alcoholic?

[Assistant] I had dinner with Arlene. I mixed her a gin and tonic. And I'd run out of the tonic, so I substituted sleeping pills. Next morning, she assumed the blackout was from the drinking. How Many old ladies are used to passing out from boozing? The answer is the boozers. We're gonna have to slip her the thiamine pills.


[User] We've got to run this by Cuddy.

[Assistant] [nods] Why do you think I'm in such a bad mood?


[User] Alcoholic?

[Assistant] Treatment's very easy, safe. It's literally a few vitamin pills. It'll fix her heart, and it won't interfere with the biopsy KaufMan's running. [He places a bottle of pills on her desk.] Put 'em in an antacid bottle. Just tell her it's for stomach pRoblems.


[User] I have to ask her about this.

[Assistant] Of course. Absolutely. You'll ask. She'll deny. You'll push it. She'll get offended. You'll be exactly where you are now, except it'll be harder to treat. You've absolutely got to do that.


[User] I don't think she'll lie to me.

[Assistant] She just spent the last five years going south of the border down Mexico way.


[User] We have our issues, but since Dad died, we tell each other the truth when asked directly. It's important to us.

[Assistant] Addicts lie.


[User] If something like that comes up again, just! do what you need to do.

[Assistant] And keep you out of it?


[User] She spiked a fEver. It's 102.

[Assistant] That means I was wrong about the thiamine deficiency.


[User] You were wrong about the alcoholism.

[Assistant] True dat. It's actually looking more and more like leukemia.


[User] KaufMan rushed the biopsies. It's not cancer.

[Assistant] So there's a bright side! KaufMan was wrong too. DDX.


[User] Okay! What disease can turn Cuddy's mother into a coma Patient named Stewart?

[Assistant] Lupus? We got fired from that case. We're moving on.


[User] We were already fired.

[Assistant] By the Patient. This time by Cuddy, so it's real. She somehow realized that her completely unworkable system was completely unworkable. Okay, pop quiz, hot shots � I chose vegetable Stew for a reason. You got 60 seconds, no "hintsies." [He taps his wristwatch then mimes zipping his lip.]


[User] You're not gonna talk to us?

[Assistant] Exactly. You're gonna have to� [Oops. He talked] Hey! [scoffs] You're good.


[User] I'll do a blood draw and put glutethimide on the tox screen.

[Assistant] Really? You thought that case was interesting?


[User] Aren't there other ways of keeping Masters occupied?

[Assistant] Not according to my sexual harassment seminar.


[User] Maybe it's not hypochondria. She said she gets a lot of rashes. Add the fEver � sounds like autoimmune, S.L.E.

[Assistant] Congratulations, you can think exactly like a semi-competent internist. KaufMan's starting her on prednisone. But the heart pRoblems were first.


[User] With no murmurs?

[Assistant] It's usually a late sign.


[User] Echo showed pristine valves.

[Assistant] Below the resolving threshold.


[User] You got to tell him it's endocarditis.

[Assistant] Check the wiretap. His I.D. guy's been putting the same argument to him. He can't convince him. You think I got a better shot?


[User] So what do we do?

[Assistant] We switch her meds. [Taub and Foreman are really shocked.] We get a solution of broad-spectrum antibiotics, stick it in an I.V. bag marked for prednisone. KaufMan can only be there a few times a day. Tell Arlene you're from the pharmacy, switch 'em out.


[User] This is nuts. This is way too compliCated.

[Assistant] [loudly] It's hanging an I.V. bag!


[User] [louder] If the attending doesn't know what she's on, the risk of drug reaction�

[Assistant] [louder still] What risk? We know how he's treating her. We bugged the room.


[User] [very loud] This is not about information! We're talking ethical and legal violations on a scale that should make Even you puke!

[Assistant] [shouting] She's dying!


[User] You gonna run this by Cuddy?

[Assistant] No. She said to keep her out of it, do what we need to do. Look, I know what I'm suggesting is completely screwed up. That's because this situation is completely screwed up. Do it, or you're fired.


[User] Timothy, we're gonna go see the doctor.

[Assistant] Another pop quiz. How Many idiot doctors does it take to switch an I.V.? The longer we wait, the more the prednisone is gonna kill her immune system. Forget playing pharmacist. Mom naps Every afternoon. Wait by the room. When she falls asleep, get the sister out somehow.


[User] Because I-I'm worried that he's switParkng your mother's medications. I checked with the pharmacy � Dr. Chase got prednisone and antibiotics for my coma Patient, which wouldn't treat him, but could treat conditions that cause! heart failure.

[Assistant] You told me to keep you out of it, do what I needed to do. What the hell did you think that meant?


[User] I meant, like, if you had to slip her a few more vitamin pills or something. This is life-threatening! It's illegal. I wasn't expecting something like this.

[Assistant] Only because you intentionally weren't thinking about it 'cause you don't want to make any tough decisions.


[User] [calmer] Are you completely sure it's endocarditis?

[Assistant] That's not a real question. Endocarditis fits better than the alternatives. [deep breath] We're having a little trouble hanging the right I.V. The fastest way is with you help.


[User] Allergy's got to be due to our antibiotics.

[Assistant] Does KaufMan know what we did? That's good.


[User] No, that is terrible! He doesn't know that she got worse on antibiotics, so now he's thinking endocarditis. He'll put her back on the antibiotics that almost suffoCated her. What do we do?

[Assistant] We push through this. It started in the heart. Endocarditis still fits. It's just got to be fungal. We have to switch KaufMan's antibiotics for amphotericin B.


[User] I don't know if you're right. I don't care. But we are gonna end up killing this Woman if we keep confusing her attending with these secret meds.

[Assistant] I don't care about confusing the attending! I want this Woman�


[User] We're not talking about simple antibiotics anymore. Amphotericin B is dangerous in itself. It's a poison. That's why it kills fungi. It'll give her fEver, Parklls�

[Assistant] Which she already has, which will help us hide it.


[User] I don't think I can take a risk like that.

[Assistant] [shouts] Well, then you shouldn't have let her fire me! [calmer] Look, all you have to do is switch the I.V.s again.


[User] I'm so sorry I got you guys into this. You should go.

[Assistant] I'm right.


[User] I agree. Fungal endocarditis fits. [Cuddy and House are both reliEved.] But we still have to tell your mother. [Cuddy looks at her, disbelievingly.] I don't want to tell her, not at all. But the Patient is the highest priority.

[Assistant] I'm kicking you out of your office. Yes, you. This is not her office yet. [Cuddy leaves. Masters looks scared. House crosses to sit behind the desk, looming over Masters in the process.] If you tell anyone, I will get you thrown out of med school, and I will destroy your career.


[User] I've thought about that. Lying about me! won't work. Everybody knows your reputation. [She's nervous but resolute. She punctuates her speech with little head nods as if to reassure herself that she agrees with what she's saying.]

[Assistant] True! but I won't have to lie. Buried in your coma Patient's big, big file is a form that doesn't allow treatment without the expressed consent of the relatives.


[User] Wait!

[Assistant] You drew blood. And that's not just a screw-up. It's a criminal assault.


[User] But you told me�

[Assistant] No. As you may recall! [He mimes zipping his lip again.]


[User] You set me up? [long pause as she processes this] Why?

[Assistant] [very quiet, very serious] Because this Patient is the highest priority.


[User] I'm skipping the credentials committee. I'm going straight to the state board and reporting you for � what you've done is so off the spectrum, I don't know there's a specific name for it.

[Assistant] [to Masters] I think he's talking to you.


[User] I'll get the ambulance. [leaves]

[Assistant] [to Masters] Happy?


[User] I can't beliEve it. What just happened?

[Assistant] You just killed her.


[User] Are you blaming me? This is all because you're so arrogant, you goaded her into firing you!

[Assistant] Actually, my mistakes started a little after that, when I agreed to your brilliant scheme to keep me on the case after she'd fired me off it.


[User] She would have left the hospital.

[Assistant] Only 'cause you would have let her, like you did just now.


[User] You think I can control her?

[Assistant] I don't know. I've nEver seen you try.


[User] I have been rebelling against this Woman my entire life.

[Assistant] Here's what I've seen. She insults you, you complain to me. I drug her at dinner, you nEver let her know. We slip her medicine, happens behind her back. You nEver confront her! and it pisses me off.


[User] Are you taking this personally?

[Assistant] She leaves, she dies. One day! maybe a week from now, maybe a year from now, you're gonna decide that the Man sleeping next to you killed your mother. [He looms in] Get me my Patient back.


[User] I feel a little dizzy.

[Assistant] Your heart's still weak from the infection. We'll hang an antifungal I.V. [He starts getting the I.V. bag ready]


[User] That's what he told me.

[Assistant] Two days ago? I said that I didn't have a department to run, I was being sarcastic.


[User] No, you weren't.

[Assistant] Right, because people who are talking can't tell if they're being sarcastic.


[User] That doesn't make any sense. Of course they can. But you weren't.

[Assistant] I love A-Rod. He's soooo modest. And I highly respect the paintings he has of himself as a centaur. Question � do I like A-Rod?


[User] She can't recognize sarcasm?

[Assistant] Deficit in the right parahippocampal gyrus, which means CNS involvement before the fEver. [puts the I.V. bag down] I was wrong about the endocarditis.


[User] Mom? Mom! Heart rate 170. Nurse! [to House] Do something.

[Assistant] I am.


[User] House!

[Assistant] The fEver was hypothalamic. That means brain, heart, anemia, allergy. You hear that, what do you think?


[User] [injecting something in Arlene's I.V. line] I don't know.

[Assistant] You think heavy-metal toxicity.


[User] It can't be. You treated with chelation for lead.

[Assistant] She got better, then she got worse. She nEver stopped being poisoned.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] You really want me to stop and explain? [He snaps on a glove, unsheathes a scalpel and makes an incision in Arlene's hip. Arlene, who is still out of it, moans slightly.] There it is. Look at that.


[User] The muscle's black. Necrosis?

[Assistant] Metallosis. Her artificial hip "weared and teared" way too much. It's cobalt poisoning. We need Chase to get an O.R. I'm gonna start chelation again.


[User] Chris! you were a crappy husband! but you are a good person.

[Assistant] Once again, you are unfired.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] You sold me out Even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just! kind of impressive.


[User] I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I! don't buy it.

[Assistant] When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret. See you bright and late tomorrow.


[User] I can't move my legs!

[Assistant] Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last.


[User] That actually makes no logical sense.

[Assistant] This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up. (shining the light back onto his own face) Case number one. 33-year-old Woman named! Something I can't remember. You'll see the irony in a second. Presenting with temporary paralysis, high CK lEvels, and a perfect memory.


[User] How perfect is perfect?

[Assistant] Perfectly perfect. Hyperthymesia. Complete recall of Every moment of Every day since puberty. All 7,600,049 of them. It's cool, huh? One of only a handful of recorded cases.


[User] So we have two symptoms: Temporary leg paralysis and elevated CK.

[Assistant] Obviously you're not suffering from the same condition 'cause you've already forgotten my dramatic voiceover. There's a third symptom.


[User] Hyperthymesia is known to Manifest in adolescence.

[Assistant] Yeah, in the whole five documented cases.


[User] She's a waitress. They're no strangers to botulism or alcoholism. We should search the diner and where she lives.

[Assistant] Or you could search her brain. You know, where her memory lives. Save the gas. (to Taub and Foreman) You two check her home. (to Chase and Masters) You two get a complete Patient history. We'll see who gets an answer first.


[User] You said there's a second case?

[Assistant] Oh! Yeah. Thanks. The case of the 45-year-old doctor who just failed his pathology recertification exam and is going to lose his board certification and get fired.


[User] I was recovering from the flu. I'm retaking it next week. It's not an issue.

[Assistant] Normally, I'd let Darwinism run its course. But Cuddy's in a big tizzy about her poster boy getting canned. So, how are we gonna get the short guy off the short bus?


[User] I don't need a tutor.

[Assistant] Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.


[User] Foreman.

[Assistant] Interesting. You must be more worried than you look. I need a consult, Dr. Wilson.


[User] Will do.

[Assistant] Who's Sarah?


[User] Her granddaughter, I think. Early stages of dementia. What's the consult?

[Assistant] I need your medical opinion on what bar we're gonna hit for happy hour tonight to kick off the official end to your three-month pity party over Sam.


[User] I can't tonight.

[Assistant] Because of Sarah?


[User] Yes, because of my senile Patient's granddaughter. You caught me. I'm busy! (Wilson leaves)

[Assistant] Who's Sarah? Wilson's friend.


[User] My computer crashed. Lost my database of his acquaintances.

[Assistant] Or you're both lying to me.


[User] I know nothing about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Satisfied? (she leaves)

[Assistant] Nooo.


[User] (holding up an empty box from the trash) Are laxatives vegan?

[Assistant] Hello?


[User] (calling from House's office) Where are you?

[Assistant] In the Parking garage, searParkng Wilson's car.


[User] We found a pretty large stash of laxatives. Abuse can lead to hypermagnesemia.

[Assistant] I admit that's! impressively outside-the-box thinking. (spotting something in the trunk) Hmm.


[User] Everything okay?

[Assistant] No. For a second I thought Wilson might have a drug pRoblem. Turns out it's much, much worse.


[User] Okay! Uh, so we push fluids and wait for her kidneys to clear the hypermagnesemia?

[Assistant] You'll be waiting a long time since that's not what she has. Her BP and respiratory rate are normal. While you two were so busy being impressively outside the box, you missed the actual box. Chase and Masters done yet?


[User] It's okay. Remembering something is not the same as understanding it. I'm not a genius. I love my job. I'm great at it. Keeps my mind busy.

[Assistant] Hi. I'm Dr. House. You are not pooping. Question is, are you also a klutz?


[User] Uh! I guess I'm no clumsier than most people.

[Assistant] What are you guessing for? You've got a perfect memory. I was told there'd be numbers, dates, fireworks.


[User] What do you want to know?

[Assistant] Let's go back to 2008. How Many trips, stumbles, falls did you have?


[User] (seeing flashbacks in her mind) ElEven.

[Assistant] This really works. Cool. How 'bout 2009?


[User] Twelve.

[Assistant] Even cooler. Last year?


[User] That's a big spike in discoordination.

[Assistant] If you add the constipation, it's early onset Parkinson's. Give her a full neuro exam, and start her on levodopa. (House leaves)


[User] Oh, I'm so surprised you broke into my apartment without telling me. What is this?

[Assistant] An intervention. (holding up the baggie he found in Wilson's trunk) Exhibit A. A baggie filled with nepeta cataria, also known as!


[User] (taking off his coat and looking at the box) That had better not be what I think it is.

[Assistant] If you mean your new junkie girlfriend, then yes.


[User] (picking up the cat) Okay, fine. I got a cat. Release the Kraken.

[Assistant] I don't think you appreciate the sEverity of your situation. You are rapidly approaParkng an end-stage male spinsterism. That cat, that diabetic cat that you're shooting up with Insulin and buying dime bags of catnip for, that means you've given up on Ever finding anyone.


[User] Don't you think you're completely overreacting?

[Assistant] If I'm completely overreacting, why'd you lie to me?


[User] Um, because I knew you would completely overreact.

[Assistant] Its name's Sarah. Cats aren't named that, women are. What the Freud is that about?


[User] Look, I didn't name her. My neighbor did. She died, and I felt bad. Sarah would have been destroyed at the shelter.

[Assistant] Aww, who would want a cat that croaks if you're not home twice a day to shoot it up? It's like having your own button on Lost. (holding up a plastic bag) You know, I'm pretty sure that there is a river nearby.


[User] We're back to transient paralysis and high CK, plus arrhythmia.

[Assistant] Masters, when you finally blossom into a Woman, would you Ever sleep with a Man who had a cat?


[User] Sure.

[Assistant] Wrong, the answer is no. Slut. Any of you Ever had a cat? (they all nod "no"�) Any of you Ever had sex? (they all nod "yes"�) I think, as your people say, quod erat demonstrandum.


[User] Maybe we're missing the obvious. The heart could be behind Everything. If it's not pumping effectively, the muscles shut down, CK elevates, coordination suffers. Why are you asking about cats?

[Assistant] Curiosity. (tossing the string on the table) Can we focus here?


[User] She said they'd been estranged for over six years. That's a lot of tension.

[Assistant] Run a stress test to confirm long QT.


[User] It'll have to be drug-induced. Treadmill will pull her stitches.

[Assistant] Drugs are nEver the answer. If we want her heart to go crazy, there's something simpler and safer. Use the sister. You lied to me.


[User] (sitting at her desk) No. I said I didn't know anything about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Under House rules, that is not a lie. He's lonely. That cat is a nice way for him to get some affection.

[Assistant] That's not the kind of putty tat he needs to be getting it from. He needs a putty tat he can tap.


[User] Why is it so important to you?

[Assistant] After divorce number two, he fell into a committed relationship with a three-legged Siamese. He stopped answering his phone, redecorated his place like Grey Gardens. He wasn't able to come back to huManity until a window was left suspiciously and heroically open. How that cat opened the window, I will nEver know.


[User] He just needs more time. Leave him and the cat alone.

[Assistant] (as he leaves her office) I won't if you will.


[User] (to House) Why are you giving me these?

[Assistant] Because, while they're off running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms.


[User] There's an entire department for that.

[Assistant] Exactly. The Foreman department. Of which you are the Foreman, Foreman. I know you got the time. A little Wallaby told me that you recently vaCated your post as Taub's savior.


[User] He doesn't need a tutor. He needs Ritalin and a babysitter.

[Assistant] Consider the forms incentive. Taub doesn't pass, he'll become a perManent part of your life.


[User] This isn't really about Cuddy, is it? It's about you. You don't want to lose me. I think you care.

[Assistant] Don't think you can disgust me into pulling Foreman off you. Pulse the Patient with steroids for the autoimmune. Start her on dialysis for the kidney failure. Treat the Taub with insults and small slaps for the obstinacy, and start him on studying for the brain failure. (House gets up and goes into his office)


[User] (pointing at House) You planted something in my apartment to make me think I'm allergic to Sarah.

[Assistant] (removing his glasses) Paranoia is the first sign of toxoplasma gondii, the parasite linked to crazy cat lady disease.


[User] I'm not paranoid. I'm allergic to ragweed and dandelion. I'm not allergic to cats. You're trying to gaslight me.

[Assistant] Maybe your subconscious is afraid that you're gonna die alone. And it just comes out as gibberish and sneezing. Prove that I'm overreacting. Boys' night out. Good Time Charlie's. They just changed their slogan to, "where the trashiest ladies


[User] You do see the hypocrisy in all this, don't you? Until recently, your lifestyle of choice was self-exile.

[Assistant] But I nEver had a cat. Why don't you pick me up at 8:00? (Wilson leaves)


[User] Could be pulmonary edema from renal failure.

[Assistant] Pulmonary edema doesn't give you hives.


[User] You think this is an allergic reaction? It can't be. We pumped her full of steroids.

[Assistant] It can be. If it was a really, really bad one. I have good news and bad news. The good news is I was right about you having some autoimmune disease. You're just allergic to the dialysis.


[User] But if I can't have dialysis and my kidneys are failing, won't that mean I'll die?

[Assistant] Well, you figured out the bad news.


[User] That relationship was broken long before we got there. Nadia literally keeps score. She tallies Everything. (They stop and Chase turns to include House in the conversation) She decided Elena's done more bad things to her than good, doesn't deserve her affection.

[Assistant] I'm sure she's right. Unlike Everybody else in the world, her memory seems to let her keep a pure and objective view of people in relationships. There's no petty


[User] 'Cause it's making her die alone of kidney failure in room 205?

[Assistant] Not necessarily. Nadia's sister's not like her. I'm sure she's got plenty of subjective emotions we can exploit. Why don't you go channel your guilt, see if you can get her to cough up a kidney?


[User] Me? I'm not good at that type of thing. Someone else should go.

[Assistant] Someone else didn't screw this up.


[User] I didn't!

[Assistant] You were just obeying orders. Right? Go fix this.


[User] No abdominal pain.

[Assistant] Did the Patient thank her sister?


[User] No. Not yet, at least.

[Assistant] See if she will.


[User] What are you trying to find out?

[Assistant] If she's telling the truth. She claims she objectively sees reality. Weighing the good and bad in people. If that's true, I don't care how Many times her sister borrowed her scrunParke without asking, a free kidney ought to trump all the bad stuff.


[User] And if it doesn't?

[Assistant] That means she sucks like the rest of us.


[User] We haven't considered her blood. Clots could hit her leg, heart, kidney, and brain.

[Assistant] Factor 5 leiden. Easiest to treat if we're right. Start her on heparin. And ask for the thank you. (Chase nods and he and Masters leave)


[User] Can I see her?

[Assistant] Too fat. Too thin. Too desperate. Not desperate enough. (to Wilson) Come on, you can insult them too.


[User] I'd rather not.

[Assistant] If you objectify them now, you'll feel more comfortable when you! tie them to a table in your basement later. Or whatEver.


[User] Okay. (trying to participate) Um! Too armpit fatty.

[Assistant] Whoa! Too hot.


[User] I actually know her. She's the new barista at my coffee shop. She's getting her Masters in finance.

[Assistant] Brains and boobs. The mother lode.


[User] Total moron as a barista, though. Every drink I order ends up with

[Assistant] Girlfriend, that means she's into you.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] Hi, there. Wilson, Wilson. I'm a doctor. I'm hoping that's enough to close, because I'm also a social moron. And I have a cat.


[User] She said my coffee is not the only thing she'd like to put whipped cream on.

[Assistant] Yeah, but is she interested? Bartender! Champagne for Everyone!


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] Do you know if that! O.R. nurse that Wilson liked Ever broke up with her boyfriend?


[User] I thought your Wilson fetish was over.

[Assistant] I'm putting together a second string in case things don't go well with the well-breasted barista.


[User] You've gotta let that guy alone.

[Assistant] He's not supposed to be alone.


[User] Is that what this is about? You feel guilty because Wilson's the one that's alone and not you? You still don't think you deserve this.

[Assistant] Have you met me?


[User] Your happiness doesn't take his away. It's okay to enjoy it.

[Assistant] (answering the phone) Yeah.


[User] If it's hit her brain, that could mean she doesn't have long.

[Assistant] So then the question becomes, will the sister show up at the funeral?


[User] She tried to reconcile, but the bad memories crowded out the good, and she ran.

[Assistant] Nobody's perfect. What else? (None of them answer) Come on, the Woman has all the information we need. She's a bottomless diagnostic library.


[User] Yeah, it's all muscle strain from doing her hundreds of Jigsaw puzzles. We should do another MRI. A brain hemorrhage would�

[Assistant] Hey. How Many puzzles?


[User] Okay, I was exaggerating. Dozens.

[Assistant] Do a peripheral blood smear. Look for acanthocytes. I'll be right in. Remember me? Just kidding. (He and Chase enter the room) So! jigsaw puzzles.


[User] Um, I find them calming.

[Assistant] You Ever left one unfinished?


[User] No, that would drive me crazy.

[Assistant] Speaking of!


[User] Why are you doing that?

[Assistant] More important question is, why are you?


[User] It's just a habit.

[Assistant] It's a habit that compels you in an obsessive way, that's so bad, it's a disorder.


[User] Each brain with OCD has its own way of filtering it. Some people wash their hands and hoard TV Guides. You do puzzles and hoard memories.

[Assistant] So what we thought was a gift! is just you literally obsessing over your own life.


[User] That's why I can't stop the memories, Even when I try. But Everything else? My kidneys?

[Assistant] Memory was just a symptom of a symptom of a larger disease. You have McLeod syndrome. It's a rare genetic disorder that affects the nervous system, the blood. And can cause! (He reaches for her cup again, but she stops him before he can move it) OCD.


[User] It can't be cured. But your various symptoms can be Managed with medication. Best-case scenario, you can live another 20 years.

[Assistant] If it's any solace, Everybody dies alone. (Nadia glares at him) It pRobably isn't.


[User] Ohh!

[Assistant] Hey.


[User] (startled yet again) Aah!

[Assistant] Those are for Sarah.


[User] (relaxing) Are they poisoned?

[Assistant] Poi� you and your paranoia. Now, if you'll excuse me! I really should find a better place to store my ragweed.


[User] It's a very nice gesture, but it's still in the apartment.

[Assistant] So! I wanna hear all the dirty, dairy-specific details of your night with java the slut.


[User] All right. First of all, all real. Second! a true connoisseur of the dark arts of! (He stops lying) I flaked. I walked her to her car and said good night. I will get back into it, I � you just need to give me a little more time.

[Assistant] I'll give you ten days.


[User] Fine.

[Assistant] Ooh!


[User] Bench.

[Assistant] Who put sand in her vagina? Hey, kids. How you boys doing?


[User] Uh, can we help you?

[Assistant] I certainly hope so. [Holding a laptop.] You know what this is?


[User] A laptop?

[Assistant] [Putting the laptop in front of the young Man at the table.] Password-protected laptop that I need you nerds to hack into.


[User] [Standing in the kitchen area.] No insecticides or toxic cleaners.

[Assistant] Check the bathroom.


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] Your roommate's doctor. You remember your roommate, don't you?


[User] I thought he just had bronParktis.

[Assistant] That's what the morons at the Rutgers Student Medical Center thought, which may be part of the reason he just coughed up a lung.


[User] What do you mean, he coughed up a lung?

[Assistant] He coughed! after which the respiratory organ which resided in his chest resided in his mouth! Actually, his hand. Well, his mouth, then his hand.


[User] Bathroom's clean.

[Assistant] [Pointing at the boy's soft drink cup.] What's in this?


[User] Just soda.

[Assistant] Mind if I have some?


[User] You want my drink?

[Assistant] You got a pRoblem with that? [He takes a sip.]


[User] Uh, yeah. Actually, I do. You barge into our room, start looking through our personal, private stuff, deMand I hack into a computer I think I can safely assume doesn't belong�

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? Please continue. You were talking about personal privacy. [The boy at the table is obviously scared speechless.] What, you're finished? Well, allow me to retort. [House aims the gun right at him!]


[User] Wait a second. You're saying this actually happened?

[Assistant] Absolutely.


[User] You're lying.

[Assistant] Interesting theory. Can you prove it?


[User] Doctors don't carry guns. They don't shoot people, and they definitely don't search Patients' homes. Plus, I've seen Pulp Fiction � the movie you're totally ripping off.

[Assistant] Huh.


[User] Wait, uh, was it Timmy Morgan?

[Assistant] I have no idea.


[User] So you're here to talk to the principal about something Timmy did?

[Assistant] I got no pRoblem with Timmy. And Even if I did, I ain't no snitch.


[User] Then why are you here?

[Assistant] To dig myself out of a hole. Instead I dug a bigger one.


[User] What'd you do?

[Assistant] What'd you do?


[User] What'd you do?

[Assistant] What happened to your eye?


[User] It's none of your business.

[Assistant] Actually, it's none of yours. I'm a doctor. It's a few days old, so that's not why you're here, unless you two got busted for some sort of rEvenge plot. But then you'd look angry instead of! ashamed.


[User] I'm not ashamed.

[Assistant] Interesting. You defensively insist that you're not ashamed, which, of course, means you are ashamed. And yet, you're the victim.


[User] You want to know how she got the black eye? Tell us why you're here first.

[Assistant] Anyone Ever tell you you're annoying?


[User] Yes, all the time. But he's right. You want to know? You first.

[Assistant] I didn't kill anybody. I have to be here, so I figured I'd punch up the stakes in the first act. But we did, and almost always do, search the Patient's home. And if we tell them first, then they can hide something that we need to know in order to figure out what's wrong with them.


[User] Why would they hide something that could be killing them?

[Assistant] Because they are morons. They're all morons, and Everybody lies.


[User] Wait, if Everybody lies, then that means you're lying right now.

[Assistant] I didn't say Everybody always lies! Aristotle. And on that note, unless there are any questions! Good.


[User] Oh, Dr. Hourani! before you finish, maybe you could describe what you actually do. You know, like if someone comes in for a routine physical?

[Assistant] You want routine?


[User] It just feels kind of, like, numb.

[Assistant] You do a lot of bicycle riding?


[User] No.

[Assistant] How long have you been married?


[User] It's 12 years next month.

[Assistant] [Reading her chart.] You have six kids.


[User] Mm-hmm. Well, you don't think it could have anything to do with that, do you?

[Assistant] PRobably. How often do you use your vibrator?


[User] Excuse me?

[Assistant] Your battery-operated Brad Pitt. After giving the gift of life to six eight-pound, four-ounce wrecking balls, I think I can safely assume it's an industrial-strength model?


[User] Dr. Hourani, please.

[Assistant] You wanted routine. Am I done?


[User] Maybe we should just move on.

[Assistant] No pRoblem.


[User] I meant with your typical day. I assume you see more than one Patient?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] Dr. Hourani?

[Assistant] Just in time for lunch.


[User] By lunch, you mean a conference call with the board, and by just in time, you mean, 20 minutes late.

[Assistant] I meant sex! Fine. Lunch. How about we start with a small tossed salad?


[User] As of this morning, I'm on a diet.

[Assistant] Meaning?


[User] I told you, I'm busy.

[Assistant] No, you told me you were supposed to be busy 20 minutes ago. But you were obviously able to put them off then, there's no reason you can't put them off now.


[User] Get your finger off my phone.

[Assistant] We obviously have something we need to discuss.


[User] Now is not a good time.

[Assistant] If you're mad because you don't feel you're getting the necessary amount of "affection,"� all you have to do is ask.


[User] Seriously, not now.

[Assistant] If memory serves, I enjoyed a healthy Sunday brunch. So your insinuation� Ow! What is your pRoblem?


[User] You! You are my pRoblem. You are the most selfish, self-centered son of a bitch on the face of the planet. And I'm sick of it. I'm just! done. I can't deal with you anymore.

[Assistant] So that's what a typical doctor does on a typical day. Any questions?


[User] Why was your girlfriend so mad?

[Assistant] It doesn't matter.


[User] Well, obviously it matters. I mean, if she's your girlfriend, you should care how she feels.

[Assistant] I mean, it doesn't matter to the story.


[User] It's the most important part of the story. It's the only thing that does matter. You don't kiss her enough � is that the pRoblem?

[Assistant] Absolutely not.


[User] Which, by your definition, means it is.

[Assistant] We kiss plenty. Your turn.


[User] Then what's the pRoblem?

[Assistant] Your turn.


[User] What's the pRoblem?

[Assistant] [To the receptionist, sitting at a desk nearby.] Excuse me. When exactly will the comMandant be back?


[User] All right, fine. We got busted for kissing behind the school. Now you know why we're here. So tell us why you're here.

[Assistant] The deal was about the black eye.


[User] And we didn't kiss.

[Assistant] So you were just making him beg, huh? I didn't have you pegged as a tease.


[User] I'm not a tease.

[Assistant] The available evidence suggests otherwise.


[User] I'm not a tease.

[Assistant] Prove it! By"�by telling me your story.


[User] You're a pathetic loser, jerk! And I wouldn't kiss you if I had brain cancer and your lips were the cure!

[Assistant] She actually said that?


[User] It doesn't matter. I clearly didn't lead him along or anything like that, which proves I'm not a tease. So why is your girlfriend mad at you?

[Assistant] I'm getting a kind of bossy vibe. I take it you're into that.


[User] Isn't that, like, sexual harassment?

[Assistant] Not if you're good-looking.


[User] You said the one guy was short with a big nose.

[Assistant] Guess that's not the only thing that's big.


[User] It means he's lying! again.

[Assistant] [Gets closer to one of the boys' face and screams.] Because you can't handle the truth!


[User] If Dr. Hourani promises to�

[Assistant] Patient's dead. Floor is yours, Don.


[User] What's wrong with him?

[Assistant] He's got a cough.


[User] He did.

[Assistant] Yeah, and I was talking about people like you.


[User] That actually happened?

[Assistant] Yes, it really happened. I take cases that other doctors fail to diagnose, which is why I only take one at a time. My current Patient is a college student. He's actually in the hospital right now. And, yes, he really did cough up a large portion of dead lung tissue.


[User] It's not an infection either. Broad-spectrum antibiotics haven't had any effect.

[Assistant] Who password-protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?


[User] His dorm mates are computer science majors. If they're fabricating Parkps, they could be working with all kinds of different toxic solvents.

[Assistant] We need to search the dorm.


[User] "We"?

[Assistant] Oui. Allons-y. While we're out, do a thoracoscopic lung biopsy and a c-ANCA, because it's sarcoidosis.


[User] So you really did force his roommate to hack into the laptop?

[Assistant] Why would I lie?


[User] It's your girlfriend's, isn't it?

[Assistant] She's not my girlfriend. I'm just interested in her because she's a client, and she sleeps above her covers � four feet above her covers.


[User] So that's why she's so mad � you looked through her computer?

[Assistant] No, that part happened after she got mad. First she got mad. Then I stole her computer to fix things. And then we got the case.


[User] Wait, so you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?

[Assistant] Well, when you say it like that! Yes.


[User] No way. You didn't get her laptop by blowing down the door of her office. That's from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.

[Assistant] Just seeing if you're still paying attention. It was actually more subtle.


[User] Excuse me. But there are others here who would like a chance to speak.

[Assistant] Go right ahead.


[User] No!

[Assistant] Audience is always right.


[User] You poisoned a room full of Patients so you could steal your girlfriend's laptop?

[Assistant] I didn't poison anybody. I spilled some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor, thinking the stench would clear the place out. But instead of breathing through his nose, some idiot decided to hold his breath. He passes out, and before I know it, the place is a perfect storm of mass hysteria! Although it worked out just as well.


[User] They're morons.

[Assistant] Agreed.


[User] No, not the Patients, the kids. It doesn't matter how you stole it. What matters is why.

[Assistant] You know, you're starting to remind me of someone.


[User] I didn't ask how you stole it. I asked why.

[Assistant] [Holding the laptop.] Isn't it obvious?


[User] You think you can tell why she's mad by reading budget spreadsheets and per diem schedules?

[Assistant] I know why she's mad. What I need to know is how to make her un-mad. And step one is gaining access to the journal on her laptop, where she records her innermost thoughts! Instead of just watParkng porn with me. [Wilson is speechless.] Oh, grow up. If porn was bad, why would there be so Many nuns in it?


[User] Why is she mad?

[Assistant] I was myself, which, by the way, she's supposed to love unconditionally. [It seems that Wilson doesn't beliEve House.] I didn't do anything! We had a great weekend. Went to a blues club, we watched Cinderfella on DVD.


[User] And?

[Assistant] It doesn't matter. She's being unreasonable, and I have to fix it. I need to know what's really important to her. I need something big.


[User] Because?

[Assistant] We're past that.


[User] Have you tried Parkldhood pet names?

[Assistant] I don't know her pets.


[User] She's nEver mentioned a pet?

[Assistant] Well, yeah, but I wasn't listening. She's not mad because I don't remember a dead dog's name.


[User] Just got a case from the E.R. Rutgers student came in with what looked like acute bronParktis. But there's nothing in his blood or sputum cultures.

[Assistant] Don't you think it's time you people stop looking to the white Man to solve all your pRoblems?


[User] His O-2 sats are in the toilet. If we don't figure out what's attacking his�

[Assistant] So figure it out! I'm busy.


[User] That can't be true.

[Assistant] Why not?


[User] 'Cause if he was dying � I mean, you're a doctor.

[Assistant] Patients die Every day. Not all of them are interesting.


[User] You still haven't answered either question.

[Assistant] She was mad because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of Every little thing.


[User] Actually, she's not like that.

[Assistant] Why are you sticking up for her? She says you're a pathetic jerk and she hates you.


[User] Really.

[Assistant] Really?


[User] Hey. Uh, and no peck on the cheek. It has to be on the lips.

[Assistant] Winning a bet to force her to kiss you actually cuts against your theory that you know how she thinks.


[User] I wasn't forcing her to do anything that she didn't want to do.

[Assistant] You're hoping for a career in the NBA or the NFL?


[User] Not Even close to true. I just couldn't beliEve I'd lose.

[Assistant] Ah, now we're getting somewhere.


[User] No, we're not.

[Assistant] Oh, I thought we were.


[User] No, you thought we weren't, and that's exactly what you want, because you don't want to tell us why was she mad at you! You tell us you don't want to do your job because you're too busy trying to break into your girlfriend's laptop to figure out a way to make her not mad at you. But you don't tell us why she was mad at you.

[Assistant] It's stupid.


[User] Talk.

[Assistant] I'm out of here. Unless!


[User] Rachel's gonna be up soon.

[Assistant] Well, you nEver know.


[User] Yes, I do. Can you take the garbage out before you go?

[Assistant] Uh, I-I-I would, but! [He points at his painful leg.]


[User] Oh, come on. It's not a lot.

[Assistant] Pain's always worst first thing in the morning.


[User] That's so gross.

[Assistant] What's the big deal? It's not like she had a pRoblem swapping spit the night before.


[User] Well, maybe it's not the swapping spit that bothers her, but the fact that you don't listen to her. Had she warned you not to do it?

[Assistant] Oh, I listen to her.


[User] But you just said before that you didn't.

[Assistant] No, I said I didn't remember what she said.


[User] No, you said you don't listen�

[Assistant] I listen to her. Okay? BeliEve me, I listen.


[User] It's my toothbrush, and it's not just once. And it's not like I'd Even care, but you totally destroy it. You're supposed to brush with it, not gnaw on it like a rawhide bone.

[Assistant] I think Miss Four Cavities' time would be better spent copying Mr. No Cavities instead of complaining about him. And given what I'd just been doing, I thought you wouldn't want me going out to dinner without a good brush and a floss.


[User] Would you please just use the toothbrush I bought you?

[Assistant] Would you please just shut up and watch the movie? [She turns her head to look at him. He meets her eyes.] I said, "please."


[User] Why would you have to brush your teeth before you go to dinner?

[Assistant] You don't want to know! yet.


[User] You're gross and dumb. You listen to what she says just so you can tell her how wrong she is.

[Assistant] You are clueless and naive. I have to tell her that she's wrong, 'cause no one else will. She's the boss, which means she's surrounded by morons who are either afraid of her, or they want to kiss up to her, or they want to! kiss her.


[User] But not you.

[Assistant] I already kissed her. And I respect her enough not to treat her like some tender blossom who needs to be coddled.


[User] No, I didn't punch her.

[Assistant] You're a moron.


[User] I didn't mean to. The stick had wicked heel curve.

[Assistant] Did I mention you're a moron?


[User] Okay, you just said it's wrong to treat your girlfriend like she's weaker than you.

[Assistant] I'm not talking about trying to score. I'm talking about shooting high. Tennis shoes on a wooden floor? She obviously can't butterfly and cover the low corners.


[User] I must be in the midst of a complex partial seizure, 'cause I know you are not sitting at my desk.

[Assistant] Sorry. Ran out of lotion in mine.


[User] Get the hell out of here.

[Assistant] Can't. This is the only place left that Cuddy'll nEver look for me. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.


[User] Well, I can tell you, what you're about to find is my foot in your ass.

[Assistant] I don't think we've got enough lotion for that.


[User] How did you Even get in here? The door was locked.

[Assistant] Well, either I can walk through walls, or! We have liftoff.


[User] Is that Cuddy's journal?

[Assistant] No, it's a freelance piece I'm writing for Teen Vogue. [He closes it.]


[User] No, no, no. Let me see that.

[Assistant] Sorry, got to go. [He gets up.]


[User] [Holding out his hand.] Key.

[Assistant] I got to give you one thing, Hourani. Your wife � she's beautiful. I mean, wow.


[User] So that's why you're here? Well, that was stupid.

[Assistant] I know. [He answers his cellphone.] Mr. Stupid-Head at your service.


[User] Where are you now?

[Assistant] In the principal's office.


[User] House, we don't have time for games. Pet scan was negative for sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] Great. Means the treatment's already working.


[User] It would if we'd actually started the treatment, but we didn't.

[Assistant] Why the hell not?


[User] Because it's not sarcoidosis. If you were here, you would know that. He's dying. What's left of his lung is collapsing. F.N.A. of the mediastinal�

[Assistant] I don't care about the F.N.A. What I care about is how he responds to the treatment.


[User] House.

[Assistant] Just do it. [He hangs up.] Sarcoidosis! is a diagnosis of exclusion, which means that the cowards who spend their time excluding what it isn't usually cause their Patients to die from what it is.


[User] Well, who cares? What did she write in her journal?

[Assistant] Thank you. That is exactly my point. Why does no one Ever beliEve me?


[User] What?

[Assistant] Just because he's dying doesn't make it interesting.


[User] You cheated on her, didn't you?

[Assistant] No, I didn't cheat on her.


[User] It's obviously more than just you used her toothbrush and wouldn't take the garbage out.

[Assistant] No, actually, it was exactly that.


[User] I just need some time alone.

[Assistant] Because I used your toothbrush?


[User] And you wouldn't take out the garbage.

[Assistant] That's insane. You know that, right?


[User] You do whatEver you want, always.

[Assistant] I said I was sorry. I was � I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention.


[User] And you're always right. And I don't mean you always think you're right. But y-you are actually always right, because that's all that matters.

[Assistant] That doesn't Even make sense. What, you want me to be wrong?


[User] That's what I said. You don't listen to her.

[Assistant] You didn't say that.


[User] Yes, I did.

[Assistant] Well, I wasn't listening, then.


[User] But you found a way to fix things, right? That's why you were happy when you read her laptop.

[Assistant] I did. At least I thought I did. She recently got the thin envelope from her first choice preschool. But it turns out it was her fake first choice, 'cause she was convinced she couldn't get her kid into her actual first choice without a substantial donation or an inside connection.


[User] What other school would he be talking about? Just finish the story.

[Assistant] You know, I got to tell you � there is bossy, which can be sexy. And then there's bitchy�


[User] Finish the story.

[Assistant] You obviously know this because you're on the school board, which puts you on the inside, and being the CEO here obviously connects you with Cuddy.


[User] Well, if we're so connected, why isn't she the one asking?

[Assistant] Because she thinks it's wrong to use connections to cut in line. I don't.


[User] I might be able to help.

[Assistant] Fantastic.


[User] Where are you?

[Assistant] I needed to take care of something.


[User] It's not a foreign body. [He is in the scan room with Masters. They are talking to House via speakerphone.]

[Assistant] You must have missed it.


[User] If we do any more imaging, we're gonna have to add radiation poisoning to the DDX.

[Assistant] I meant the sarcoidosis.


[User] We're gonna have to do a pneumonectomy .

[Assistant] No sign of drug or alcohol abuse. He's not a smoker, a coal miner, or a potter � it's sarcoidosis. Start him on corticosteroids and methotrexate.


[User] If it's a drug-resistant bug, and we give him steroids�

[Assistant] He'll die, which from the sound of it wouldn't be much worse. [Suddenly House slams on his brakes! too late: he's rear-ended the car in front of him.] You moron.


[User] But you have to show him your I.D. And your insurance stuff. You can't just give him a fake name.

[Assistant] You don't have to do anything. Last time I checked, this was still America. Of course, that was ten years ago.


[User] But you're gonna pay him, right? I mean, it was your fault.

[Assistant] A yellow light does not mean stop. It was, at the most, 20% my fault. Since insurance companies automatically put 100% of the fault on the rear-ender, my little lie was actually an effort to aParkEve an outcome closer to the truth. And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids. I am Dr. Hourani.


[User] Then why did you say the other doctor was Hourani?

[Assistant] It's, uh � it's a common name. It's like Smith! in Lebanon.


[User] [Standing up and walking toward House.] Let me see your I.D.

[Assistant] I told you, I left it in my other pants.


[User] Really? 'Cause it looks like it's still in this pair.

[Assistant] Get your hands off me.


[User] Give me your I.D.

[Assistant] Hey, would you stop that?


[User] Gentlemen, please.

[Assistant] What? What?


[User] No, you wouldn't.

[Assistant] How do you know?


[User] You're right. It's just! I really like you. And I'm pretty sure you like me too. But I don't want to play any more games. When you want � I mean, if you Ever want to, just tell me you're ready, and, you know! Sorry.

[Assistant] Well done.


[User] 05-15-1959

[Assistant] Thank you.


[User] Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?

[Assistant] Is there a third option?


[User] Mm-hmm. And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our preschool. I spoke to Sanford Wells. [They sit on either side of the principal's desk.]

[Assistant] You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.


[User] Oh, I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.

[Assistant] Let her daughter in. She's a great kid, and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.


[User] And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? Seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.

[Assistant] I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. You know what it's like to actually need someone?


[User] Dr. House! is there anything you'd like to say?

[Assistant] Can I be excused? It's just food. Something small enough to go down the wrong pipe, too big to get washed out by the bronParkal lavage.


[User] Wouldn't show up on a C.T.

[Assistant] But would cause the C.O.P.D. And wouldn't respond to steroids or antibiotics. Prep him for exploratory surgery and start the betting.


[User] Betting?

[Assistant] I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea.


[User] I'm busy.

[Assistant] I know. [He closes the door.] I just want to say that I'm sorry.


[User] Shouldn't you be saying that to Sanford Wells? A fifth-grade career day? You really thought you could pull that off?

[Assistant] I figured, how hard could it be? [He sits down in front of her.] And I wanted to prove to you that I do care about your needs and Rachel's. I do.


[User] Is that why you also stole my computer?

[Assistant] Yes, it is.


[User] And then threw it in the trash?

[Assistant] I did not throw it, I placed it, knowing that the janitor would find it and know it was yours and return it to you unharmed. I'm a moron. But that doesn't mean I-I don't care about you, that I don't think about you, that I don't want you to be happy. I was wrong. You were right. I can do better. Just! give me a chance.


[User] So what were you � an Astronaut or a Bullfighter?

[Assistant] I was myself! for the most part. [He seems to consider if he should say anything else.] I know you're still upset, so I'm gonna! I'll leave you to � [He gets up and heads for the door.] to deal with it howEver you want.


[User] House. [House turns around.] You want to come over for dinner tonight?

[Assistant] I'd love to.


[User] House! (The elevator door close in front of her, she takes the other one. When she gets out of it, people are leaving the first one, which looks empty. She walks away, looking annoyed, then smiles, turns back and slips in the elevator where House is hiding, stuck to the wall.) I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala.

[Assistant] This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.


[User] So you'll be there?

[Assistant] No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going.


[User] What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?

[Assistant] Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like.


[User] If you Ever want!

[Assistant] I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass? (The elevator dings. They are back in the lobby. Cuddy steps out, then turns back to House, who has stayed in the elevator.)


[User] If you were already going, why did you!

[Assistant] Foreplay. (The elevator door close. They both smile.)


[User] Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?

[Assistant] Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way. Now, tell me how someone can have an allergic reaction when all their tests were negative for known allergens.


[User] He's lying. (House waits for more.) He's not an executive. I saw his hands. They're covered with calluses and little cuts. He works with them. A lot. (The men look at her, speechless.)

[Assistant] Hmm. Baby steps. Go down there and do it.


[User] But what if I'm wrong? I'll just end up offending him.

[Assistant] Consider that part a bonus. (She seems unsure.) All right, I'll send along one of your big brothers to help. You want scary, smarmy, or shorty?


[User] Place has been cleaned and sanitized by our Patient. We sent for the autopsy report! pRobably take a week to get it.

[Assistant] When he's not working, where does he go all day to hide out?


[User] His old real estate office?

[Assistant] Treat for bacterial infection. Meantime! Bert, take Ernie and check his office for environmentals. I'll talk to Cuddy about getting the autopsy results faster. (He leaves.)


[User] You're really going to the charity gala?

[Assistant] Why? I wanna do something nice for my girlfriend.


[User] You nEver do anything unless it stands to benefit you.

[Assistant] I realize that three failed marriages can leave a Man twisted and bitter inside, but in a good relationship, people sometimes do things for each other.


[User] She! she didn't! (Giving up) 300. She really wants you there.

[Assistant] Why do people beliEve I'm incapable of doing anything nice?


[User] Maybe we're thinking too far outside the box here. Just because he could have picked up any one of a hundred exotic diseases from his job doesn't mean he didn't.

[Assistant] Taub's life partner has a point. Started treatment with antibiotics, and he got worse. Simple answer begins with "m" ends with "mia."


[User] Meningococcemia?

[Assistant] That works too. Confirm with a lumbar puncture. And on the off chance we're wrong, find out what else he's been lying about besides his job and his drug use.


[User] Not well.

[Assistant] I need some intel on this charity Event on Friday night. If I go, do I have to actually give money to charity? (Wilson closes his eyes tiredly.) I'm going. Just don't want it to suck. There has to be a way to make this fun. (He sits on the couch and extends his leg on the table.)


[User] Show up and behave. PRoblem solved.

[Assistant] Your pRoblem solved. Don't you think she deserves more than a plaque and a round of applause for 15 years of running this dump?


[User] It's a watch, not a plaque.

[Assistant] It's a clich�. I want to make things more exciting, something she'll remember for more than ten minutes.


[User] In rare cases, a tick or a spider bite could set it off!

[Assistant] Show of hands. Who's going to this charity thing Friday night? (Chase and Taub rise hands.)


[User] Already got a date.

[Assistant] Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there, show our support.


[User] I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses.

[Assistant] Why does Everyone go to that?


[User] Experience?

[Assistant] Shut up! How 'bout go! or work the clinic all weekend? I hear it's genital herpes awareness month. (Masters and Foreman raise hands.) Serum sickness fits. Take him off the antibiotics. Start him on corticosteroids. If we're right, he'll be better by morning.


[User] I! I, uh, better go check on him. (He tries to leave with dignity, but has to run out. House smiles.)

[Assistant] Swollen joints, high white count, fEver. Conjunctivitis. Anyone?


[User] Well, we would have seen it in his blood work. Unless the saline used to recover and store the tissue samples has been shown in recent studies!

[Assistant] Get new blood and CSF samples using formaldehyde instead of saline. And start him and his wife on triple antifungal therapy.


[User] His wife?

[Assistant] Well, if he's really trying to keep her happy, I assume they've shared bodily fluids. (They leave the room, leaving Taub and Foreman, still in their stalls, alone.)


[User] Hey! (House whistles. The music stops.)

[Assistant] Huh?


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] What's it look like I'm doing? Auditioning a band for Friday night.


[User] I think, if you do this, your Evening will end with you in your apartment alone! with a sock.

[Assistant] Muchachos, adelante. Tres, cuatro! (The music starts back, with House conducting it.)


[User] Except it's nEver been documented to cause hearing loss. Ever.

[Assistant] Oh, no, she di'int!


[User] This isn't the classroom. In the real world, real doctors know that Patients can have more than one thing wrong with them.

[Assistant] Zing.


[User] You have a better idea?

[Assistant] I do. Only in the sense that you're wasting my time with a bad idea and she's wasting my time with no idea. Maybe we should hear from silent and silenter.


[User] Or a viral infection that's reached his brain.

[Assistant] I say we go with Ernie on this one. Get an MRI. Find it.


[User] What do you want us to do, House?

[Assistant] If it's a tumor, we start chemo. Bombard his head with radiation.


[User] And without an MRI, we don't Even know if he has one.

[Assistant] He's definitely dead if we do nothing. If I'm wrong, all we do is shave a few hours off.


[User] We'll need his wife's consent.

[Assistant] Masters will get it.


[User] Uh, he's right.

[Assistant] No, he's not. Consider this me officially booting you out of the nest.


[User] I didn't mean any of those awful things I said. I'm so sorry. I love you, Bert. I've always loved you. I also kept a secret from you. I was gonna tell you at the restaurant! but you got sick. And I wanted to wait until you felt better. I'm pregnant, sweetheart. You're gonna be a daddy.

[Assistant] Why rash again? It went away. It needs a reason to come back. We know it's not an allergic reaction, so we must have done something to set it off again. What?


[User] Two hours before the rash came back. They're not connected.

[Assistant] What was he doing two hours before he broke out the first time?


[User] Crime scene and an MRI. Still not seeing the connection.

[Assistant] We've been missing connections this entire case. Did he say anything? Did he show any signs of stress in the MRI room?


[User] He said he was cold, but it's always freezing in there.

[Assistant] Cold and rash.


[User] Muckle-Wells syndrome? There's only been a couple thousand documented cases in the U.S.

[Assistant] Well, now there's a couple thousand and one. Fits Every symptom there. We're idiots for not seeing it before. Treat with rilonacept. He'll live a long and healthy life filled with lies to his wife and future Parkld.(He caps his pen with a satisfied look.)


[User] You okay?

[Assistant] Why wouldn't I be? Solved my case.


[User] I just came to apologize. You're right. I am turning bitter and cynical inside.

[Assistant] You're finally putting the cat down. (Wilson glares at House. House gives up.) She loves mariaPark. I told you.


[User] We've got 15 minutes to get there if we wanna see the board freak when House's mariaPark band marches in.

[Assistant] All of them are gone, Wilson. They're all dead because I am screwed up.


[User] You lost one Patient. And it wasn't your fault.

[Assistant] What about that mom who gave her baby cancer? If I'd figured that one out quicker, she'd still be a mom alive.


[User] She refused treatment when it was offered. How is that your fault?

[Assistant] And there was that guy I spent a day trapped in isolation with. He was five feet away the whole time. Just watched him die like an idiot.


[User] Yeah. You've lost Patients before, and you'll lose Patients again. Why!

[Assistant] Exactly! Why? Because love and happiness are! nothing but distractions. The only thing my relationship with Cuddy has done for me is make me a worse doctor.


[User] Right. The great Dr. House doesn't deserve to be happy. You know it's not true.

[Assistant] My happiness is being paid for by other people's lives. (Softly) How is she?


[User] First! first, you're not driving anywhere. And second, you are definitely not talking to Cuddy like this.

[Assistant] Okay. I'm gonna walk. (He leaves the pub, limping and stumbling at the same time. Wilson stays at the counter, watches him go and sighs.) We really, really need to talk.


[User] House? House? [She gets out of bed and takes a few steps toward the bathroom, stretParkng and trying to wake up. A hand comes out from under the bed and grabs her ankle.] Oh! My God! What the hell?

[Assistant] Muahahahaaaaahhh [His head pops out from under the bed. He is grinning.] Gotcha.


[User] Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?

[Assistant] Set an alarm and Everything.


[User] It's like dating a ten-year-old.

[Assistant] God, I hope not. [She smiles and joins him on the floor, draping across his chest as they kiss.] Now that we're down here!


[User] Hold that thought. [She gets up.]

[Assistant] Seriously?


[User] I have to pee.

[Assistant] I'll wait. I brought a book. [He reaches under the bed, pulls out a book and starts to read.] I didn't know what time your alarm was set for.


[User] [from the bathroom] House?

[Assistant] You know, you can rent this space out down here. In Japan, that would be like a deluxe�


[User] You really don't have to be here.

[Assistant] You're my girlfriend. I'm being supportive.


[User] I'm mainly talking about them.

[Assistant] Well, given that there's almost certainly nothing wrong with you, and my Patient definitely has something wrong with him�


[User] That can't wait an hour?

[Assistant] 'Fraid not. He's! [House is stumped] Chase.


[User] 16-year-old male spit up blood during a pick-up basketball game. E.R. couldn't find the source in his lungs or GI tract.

[Assistant] See? Serious.


[User] Get them outta here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.

[Assistant] But it is a good-time adjacent. [to the team] Feed the kid a camera. Check his gut for angiodysplasia.


[User] All right. If you could scoot down.

[Assistant] [confidentially to the urologist] Hey, I'm, uh, I'm missing a watch. So can you keep your eyes open while�


[User] Imaging showed no sign of upper GI issues. But the kid did admit to being depressed and to smoking pot to take the edge off.

[Assistant] You are very pleased with yourself, aren't you?


[User] His marijuana could be laced with formaldehyde or lead, which could cause a pulmonary hemorrhage which could make him spit up blood. [House waits.] Yes. Yes, I am. I thought it was a good catch.

[Assistant] [to Taub] Run a lead lEvel and push 5 liters IV fluid.


[User] Feel free to tip your other server.

[Assistant] Cystoscopy was clean. Cytopathology was normal.


[User] Why do you have my lab results?

[Assistant] [tosses them on the desk] I don't. If I did, I'd know you were fine.


[User] Unless the blood came from my kidneys.

[Assistant] Come on. Your hypochondriac mom had a brush with mortality last month, and it's understandable that you're worrying more than usual, worrying that you might turn into her.


[User] You're right. Odds are, this is nothing.

[Assistant] Meet me in the cafeteria in ten. There'll be a corn dog with your name on it. I mean an actual corn dog. They fixed the deep fryer.


[User] Gets a lot narrower if we factor in his depression.

[Assistant] Oh, don't do that!


[User] Mood swings can be a symptom of physiological illness.

[Assistant] I'm not talking to you. [He was talking to the computer.]


[User] Infection makes the most sense. He shoots hoops at school, showers in the locker room. I'm thinking staph.

[Assistant] Damn!


[User] You don't think�

[Assistant] Not talking to you!


[User] Everything okay with Cuddy?

[Assistant] She's fine. She's just too stupid to accept it. Start him on nafcillin for staph.


[User] All that's in the, uh, First Mutual safety deposit box. The retirement accounts�

[Assistant] You're freaking out because of one ultrasound performed by an incompetent Bonobo monkey.


[User] As demonstrated by my sitting here calmly going about my business.

[Assistant] [shrill] Calling a Lawyer, drafting a will! [She gives him a look.] Okay. I-I! hacked into your online schedule. Look, tests always show something. A mass in your kidney could be a complex cyst. It could be benign.


[User] I'm a single mom. I need to set up a trust, appoint a guardian. It's silly that I haven't done it before now.

[Assistant] But you're doing it now because you think you're sick. The freaking out can at least wait until after the biopsy this afternoon.


[User] The biopsy's not till tomorrow. It's the first opening in the schedule.

[Assistant] For the Dean of Medicine, the first opening in the schedule is! Oh, look! Now. [He turns his arm as if he were showing her a watch Even though he isn't wearing one.]


[User] My worry isn't any more important than anyone else's.

[Assistant] Actually, it is.


[User] But I'm not sick, right?

[Assistant] [quietly] Good point. [He leaves.]


[User] I'll get it.

[Assistant] [from the other room] That better be her!


[User] [entering with Rachel] Mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that?

[Assistant] I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it.


[User] Are either of you this girl's father?

[Assistant] Nope. But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. Officer, you have my word it won't happen again. [The policeMan walks out.] 'Cause next time! [House flips the door closed] she won't get caught!


[User] [coming from the bathroom] I'm not sure. I think I just peed blood.

[Assistant] Looks like peeing blood is the new black.


[User] Scoping showed no sign of a bleed in his bladder, which points to a kidney pRoblem.

[Assistant] PRobably some kinda mass.


[User] Kidney mass wouldn't explain the coughing blood or the hemorrhages. Antiphospholipid syndrome, on the other hand!

[Assistant] Makes sense. But doesn't rule out a mass.


[User] You think it's cancer?

[Assistant] Mass doesn't have to be cancer. Could be renal hematoma.


[User] Cuddy has a mass on her kidney?

[Assistant] It's pRobably just a complex cyst or angiomyolipoma.


[User] And then you pointed out how sweet that was.

[Assistant] If it were heroin, he'd be going through withdrawal. Antiphospholipid syndrome's a better fit. Start the Patient on plasmapheresis.


[User] While he's doing that, can I at least search his House for drugs?

[Assistant] Have I Ever said no to that question? What are you doing here?


[User] Pie-eating contest.

[Assistant] Cuddy's biopsy is in an hour. You should be keeping her company.


[User] Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your Patient. Either that or! you're an ass.

[Assistant] Three � I hate the smell of death.


[User] The chances of Cuddy having renal cell carcinoma�

[Assistant] I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at. This will inevitably lead to�


[User] You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it � I don't know � once?

[Assistant] I'm not gonna act like there's a crisis before we know there is one. There's no proof there's anything wrong with her.


[User] There's no proof she's being stalked by Ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them! as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better.

[Assistant] [thinks this over and nods] You're right.


[User] Look at this.

[Assistant] Chase? How'd it go with Cuddy? Chase?


[User] Aah!

[Assistant] Good thing I brought my ax cane.


[User] [from somewhere nearby] House! help me!

[Assistant] I'm coming!


[User] House! please!

[Assistant] It looks like we got company.


[User] House! [House turns and tries to loCate the sound of her voice.] Aah! aah!

[Assistant] [shouting] No! Ah!


[User] Are you okay?

[Assistant] I was sleeping. What could go wrong?


[User] So what causes bleeding, kidney pRoblems, and unilateral numbness?

[Assistant] And a complete absence of any record of Cuddy's kidney biopsy. She must have put it under a false name so I couldn't rush the results.


[User] What if we had it backwards and it's not a bleeding pRoblem, it's a clotting pRoblem?

[Assistant] There's no Patient file created in the last two days for anyone having that procedure.


[User] She backdated the file? That's very clEver.

[Assistant] Hands off. She's mine.


[User] House. [House looks at him.] We're worried too.

[Assistant] How sweet. I'm not worried. I just wanna get the results so she can stop worrying.


[User] Okay, but in the meantime�

[Assistant] Do an angiogram. You two go to pathology and look at Cuddy's slides.


[User] You just said you didn't know which sample was hers.

[Assistant] I guess you're gonna have to look at them all.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Pie-eating contest.


[User] I was going to send Chase to tell you what the obvious right thing to do here is, but then I realized! if you were too stupid to know how stupid that was, you might miss the irony. You have to be with her.

[Assistant] Yeah. I get it. She needs artificial support for an artificial pRoblem. She's fine.


[User] She doesn't sleep with Chase.

[Assistant] We don't know that. [Masters knocks on the open door and enters.] Hey! Eating pie in here.


[User] House! I'm not gonna tell you a third time. Do not screw this up. Because I really don't wanna clean up the mess. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] He's referring to the pie.


[User] Fourteen Patients with kidney biopsies. I tabulated them against their urinalysis results. Six men, three diabetics, one LCDD, one kid, two seniors, and by default, one! Cuddy. [She waits for the praise that isn't coming. She approaches him with the file.] Uh! the biopsy was inconclusive. The mass is near the center of her kidney. They couldn't get a readable sample.

[Assistant] Means they'll have to remove the mass to know if it's cancer or not.


[User] The file says they're doing some imaging now, give the surgeon a better idea of what he's dealing with.

[Assistant] [calling from the living room] Can we order pizza? There's nothing in the fridge. At least not anymore. What's happening with the Patient?


[User] Angio showed a clot in a branch of his middle cerebral artery. Started him on streptokinase to break it up. Although! maybe we should have just played a few rounds of Savagescape 2: The REvenge, because that's obviously the best way to make someone feel better.

[Assistant] You keep talking like Wilson, your face will freeze like that.


[User] Honey, I'm home.

[Assistant] Just in time. Pot roast is ready.


[User] Smells wonderful!

[Assistant] I cured all my Patients, so I came home to spend time with Rachel.


[User] Your LSATs? You're eight years old.

[Assistant] We've been studying together. [Fake aside, out of the corner of his mouth to Rachel] It was supposed to be a surprise.


[User] Well, that's wonderful. [She pats Rachel on the head as she goes to put her briefcase down.]

[Assistant] I think Rachel deserves a treat. [He pulls a lollipop out of his apron pocket.]


[User] I'm not 29! [House walks over to take the cake from Wilson.] You're not limping. This isn't possible. None of this is possible.

[Assistant] Girl can dream.


[User] Got your scans back from today.

[Assistant] Yeah. [Foreman sees the look on his face and stops shooting video monsters.] Okay. [He hangs up.]


[User] What's going on?

[Assistant] Imaging shows enhancing masses across multiple lobes of Cuddy's lungs.


[User] That's what kidney cancer looks like when it metastasizes.

[Assistant] She's dead.


[User] What was that thing?

[Assistant] I got a great idea where we should go.


[User] I don't want to hear it.

[Assistant] You're gonna love it. Australia's Finest. There's a great karaoke bar in Newark�


[User] I hate karaoke.

[Assistant] They got Every � Every song by Every Aussie artist. Midnight Oil, Men at Work, Olivia Newton John.


[User] I do a mean version of Physical.

[Assistant] And the barbecue shrimp is amazing.


[User] What about the fries?

[Assistant] Hot and salty and delicious. [He pulls a candy bar out of his pocket and starts to eat it. She stares at it.] Talking about food made me hungry.


[User] You had candy in my other dreams.

[Assistant] Means you're stressed at work. All dream symbols mean you're stressed at work. Or castration anxiety.


[User] No. I was hoping! [She puts his gun in his hand] you'd figure out a way to handle all this. Maybe you can't because you're still a Parkld.

[Assistant] I can do better. [They push themselves to stand, leaning against the wall.]


[User] Ah!

[Assistant] I should have been here. Sorry.


[User] [voice over] House couldn't concentrate on the case before she was dying. You think he's gonna get in the game now?

[Assistant] If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.


[User] Make it two.

[Assistant] Bitch.


[User] [spoken]

[Assistant] [spoken] [spoken]


[User] [spoken]

[Assistant] [spoken]


[User] Hm.

[Assistant] Hi.


[User] Hi.

[Assistant] [puts down the journal] Guess who doesn't have cancer? Me. Also you. Actually, you for sure. Me!


[User] House.

[Assistant] Your tumor was benign. An oncocytoma. They cut it out. You'll be fine.


[User] Then what was in my lungs?

[Assistant] Once they ruled out cancer, I remembered that your mom was allergic to antibiotics. So I had them test your blood, and your IGE lEvels were through the roof. Because the lung masses were an allergic reaction. So now you're off the antibiotics, your lungs should clear right up. [she smiles] I brought you something. [He fishes a small, clear jar from his pocket.] Say hello to your tumor.


[User] Ugh! Wait. [She takes it and studies it intently.] There are so Many things that I could be afraid of, and most of the time, I Manage to! lock them up behind doors. But this happens! all those doors just burst open. [House gets a far-away look.] You just figured something out about your Patient, didn't you? [Her smile is both indulgent and proud.] Go. Do what you do.

[Assistant] Take him off the meds. He's got a staph infection.


[User] You treated him for staph three days ago. It didn't work.

[Assistant] Bacteria already in his system responded. But once a door's been busted open, more just keep coming.


[User] I got that.

[Assistant] For the cheap seats, an abscess is a gooey little cream puff of infection. PRobably burst when your little pride and homicidal joy took a hard foul.


[User] You took Vicodin. [House's face falls. He looks guilty and terrified.] When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.

[Assistant] [also ashamed. He can't look her in the eyes.] How did you know?


[User] How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict? My subconscious was trying to tell me you could nEver get through this without drugs.

[Assistant] It was a one-time thing.


[User] It's not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.

[Assistant] I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.


[User] No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've Ever done is to avoid pain � drugs, sarcasm! Keeping Everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.

[Assistant] As opposed to Everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?


[User] [sad] Pain happens when you care. Y-you can't love someone without making yourself open to their pRoblems, their fears. And you're not willing to do that.

[Assistant] I ca"�I came to be with you.


[User] But you weren't with me, not really.

[Assistant] I wanted to be.


[User] That's not enough.

[Assistant] [imploring] I can do better.


[User] I don't think you can. [They stare at each other.] You'll choose yourself over Everybody else over and over again, because that's just who you are. I'm sorry.

[Assistant] No. No, no, no. Don't. Don't.


[User] I thought I could do this.

[Assistant] Don't. Please don't.


[User] I was about to ask you the same thing.

[Assistant] I'm fine.


[User] Okay. [following House into the hotel room and closing the door]

[Assistant] I assume Cuddy told you that she dumped me.


[User] She did.

[Assistant] And that I'm back on Vicodin.


[User] She told me you had taken a Vicodin.

[Assistant] And then I took a lot more. [He takes another one.] And so on.


[User] But you're fine?

[Assistant] Well, I'm not fine as in "fine," but I'm fine as in "you don't have to worry about me."


[User] Because you cleared out your bank account, checked into a hotel, and started back on Vicodin?

[Assistant] Because I'm going to be fine as in "fine" very soon.


[User] Until that happens, are you sure Vicodin is the!

[Assistant] My leg hurts.


[User] You've been able to handle the pain.

[Assistant] It's gotten worse.