[User] You said you were going to change.

[Assistant] Check the sign. It says you got to treat me with intensive care.


[User] I'm expressing my anger. You should try it. Right now, let's finally have our fight.

[Assistant] All we do is fight.


[User] No, all you've done is pull pranks or have temper tantrums with Wilson, nEver me, marry mail-order prostitutes, make me go to your wedding�

[Assistant] Dominika is a licensed aesthetician.


[User] You cut open your own leg.

[Assistant] So all this was about you?


[User] You don't think it was Even related? House, we've nEver Even had a conversation about our breakup. You are obviously still angry at me. And it's hurting both of us.

[Assistant] Wow, I hadn't realized the incredible healing power of lunch.


[User] [calmly] It wasn't working.

[Assistant] Lunch at 1:00, tomorrow in the cafeteria. You happy?


[User] How Many of those have you had today?

[Assistant] I don't know. Is "your mother" a number?


[User] The Patient is a fraud. I found a puncture in the dorsal vein of her left foot.

[Assistant] Shooting up heroin wouldn't explain�


[User] Not heroin. She was injecting herself with her own red blood cells. It caused her heart issues, and when her hematocrit Evened out, we mistook it for internal bleeding.

[Assistant] It must have been a very distinctively shaped and awfully talkative puncture for you to get all of that.


[User] Browser history on her laptop helped. [He hands House a file folder.] She was researParkng blood doping among other things.

[Assistant] She was researParkng me?


[User] Knowing him, he'll be in a bar. He'll find one that matches how he feels inside. It'll be the most dark, depressing hole you can find in New Jersey.

[Assistant] Now you're just pissing me off.


[User] I'm really sorry. I-I didn't know she researched you. I had no idea she�

[Assistant] If you don't know anything, then why are you talking?


[User] Please don't take it out on Luca.

[Assistant] I'll take it out on whoEver I think will irritate you the most.


[User] I thought you would understand someone who uses their work to deal with pain.

[Assistant] I didn't realize that search engines could look within the soul.


[User] You're standing in front of me in a hospital gown.

[Assistant] What the hell was the point of this? What personal trauma are you exploiting. I'm! sorry � mining for its artistic potential?


[User] Wait. You're really sick?

[Assistant] Why me?


[User] If I do, there won't be any game for him, and then there won't be any art for us.

[Assistant] [annoyed] Why me?


[User] I don't answer those questions.

[Assistant] You know, there's a lot of games I could play that don't involve dealing with narcissistic, Manipulative poseurs.


[User] But this is a puzzle tailor-made for you. You don't know which of my symptoms are real, which are fake, which ones I'm not Even telling you about. I know that intrigues you. Do you really want to end it now?

[Assistant] [quietly] No.


[User] You want us to waste a bed on her?

[Assistant] You took an oath! an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while Everyone else was doing the boring one.


[User] Even if she is sick, which I don't beliEve, she also says she has a diagnosis. So it's either just a lie, or it's just a game.

[Assistant] So what? I like the game. It's fun. Go get a blood culture. Check for parasites and bacteria.


[User] This is the new House � half the leg power, twice the irresponsibility?

[Assistant] The new House is about making my life healthier. NEver said anything about yours. Go get her blood.


[User] I'll do it. He's going through a tough patch right now. If this is the distraction he needs to keep him in his hospital bed, I'm sure it's better than any of the alternatives. [she leaves]

[Assistant] That was incredibly condescending. Did it work?


[User] That pancreatic cyst we drained � it's back, and she doesn't care at all.

[Assistant] You think she actually is suicidal.


[User] I would, but how did she give herself the cysts? Tox screen was negative, and there's no sign of trauma.

[Assistant] [reaParkng for his laptop] There is another explanation. The reason she didn't react isn't 'cause she wants to die. It's 'cause she knows she can't do anything about it. WhatEver she has is fatal. [He turns the screen so Thirteen can see the picture House pulled up. Afsoun looks drawn and ashen.] That should narrow it down.


[User] What are we doing here?

[Assistant] Testing a theory. It's based on some stuff you can't understand, like RR variability, and some stuff you can, like the fact that she shaved her head in an art piece four months ago.


[User] That was a commentary on society's�

[Assistant] It was a commentary on the fact that it was gonna fall out anyway, and she wanted to hide why.


[User] Cancer? Are"�are you sure about that?

[Assistant] See that tumor-ish thingamajig near her "brainamabob"?


[User] [almost inaudibly] Oh, God.

[Assistant] Are you getting this? Game's over. I won. Primary CNS lymphoma with associated paraneoplastic syndrome.


[User] Luca, my mind was not clear then.

[Assistant] And then you cleared it. Then you realized you could use your death to make your magnum opus. Maybe you wanted to show that no one can cheat death, Even an entire team of doctors with unlimited resources. Or maybe your first doctors didn't treat you like a person � just a series of symptoms. You wanted to re-create that depersonalization. And I was the Man to see.


[User] If that was what I thought, I don't any longer. You spent time with me. You took this personally.

[Assistant] No, I didn't. And I don't actually think your piece is about anything. I think you just figured out that you're mortal. You're just a bag of cells and waste with an expiration date. You wanted to act out. You wanted people to notice. [pause] Maybe you Even prayed for a different answer this time. [He picks up the elephant cam and holds it at arms length.] I got a title for your piece � "It Doesn't Mean Anything."


[User] You're forging my name on prescriptions again.

[Assistant] No. [Wilson waits.] What you just said implies that I stopped at some point.


[User] 20 minutes ago, I put a notice out to all local pharmacies to require verbal authorization before filling my prescriptions.

[Assistant] You have any idea how much extra work you've just given yourself? You're not gonna last a week.


[User] I've been dealing with this for years. But it's over � your liver, your hearing, nEver mind the fact that each scrip you write is a separate felony. You will serve time, so could I.

[Assistant] You've chosen this moment to give me crap about my Vicodin use?


[User] [picking up a pill bottle from the bed table] You filled this three days ago. Now it's almost half gone.

[Assistant] So is my leg.


[User] It's a month supply. The amount you're taking has nothing to do with physical pain.

[Assistant] Okay. So maybe I am trying to numb myself a little, because I'm trying to change, trying to stop being self-destructive.


[User] So you can only handle not self-destructing by being self-destructive?

[Assistant] What do you want from me?


[User] I don't know, House, but I'm worried about you. I don't know how Many times I can watch you cut off pieces of yourself. Now it's the I.C.U. Next time it'll be the morgue. You're miserable. And you're angry. And I want you to actually deal with that and not just try to mediCate the issue away.

[Assistant] No. You know what I feel right now? I don't feel miserable or angry. I don't feel good or bad. I feel! nothing! which feels great.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Moving on. In the direction of my House, where I got some more pills.


[User] If you're discharging yourself against doctor's orders, you've got to check that box.

[Assistant] I'm a doctor. So, technically�


[User] Wouldn't it be easier if you just checked the box?

[Assistant] Why are you still here?


[User] Does this mean something?

[Assistant] It's not eczema. And it's not cancer.


[User] Radiation? On my brain? But it made me fuzzy last time. It was harder to work. I am still slowed down from it.

[Assistant] And it'll get worse. But, you know, dying can also do a number on your ability to think.


[User] I can't watch you die! not when you can save yourself. [he kisses her brown] Good-bye, Afsoun.

[Assistant] Good for you. So.


[User] So. Why did I Ever ban alcohol from the cafeteria? Before I forget, there's a brush. Tortoise-shell handle, natural bristles � wasn't in the box. If you could look for it!

[Assistant] Like the Lindbergh baby. You dating anyone?


[User] We don't have to�

[Assistant] Look, it's just standard lunch conversation.


[User] Not for us.

[Assistant] Okay, well, if you've gone over to the "we don't talk about things" side, then I've got a pot roast in the oven. [checks his watch]


[User] No. I haven't dated anyone since you.

[Assistant] Well, you know what they say � once you go gimp!


[User] We s-should talk about your leg.

[Assistant] [rubbing his face] You think I have unresolved issues, and you are the unresolved issues.


[User] Yes. But it's"�it's � I think it's more than that. It's your life, your choices.

[Assistant] I did it to fix my life. No, wait. No, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. [raises one finger in "hold on a sec"� Manner] No"�no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you. Or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I wanted to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. [Cuddy watches but doesn't react.] WhatEver the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. [getting up, fake cheerful] Good lunch.


[User] House! talk to me!

[Assistant] I already did.


[User] No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days.

[Assistant] Get out of my way.


[User] No. [She looks down and touches his leg.] Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me.

[Assistant] [loud] You want to know how I feel? [two deep breaths then, quietly] I feel hurt.


[User] I know. I'm sorry.

[Assistant] It's not your fault.


[User] I! didn't expect that.

[Assistant] Sorry. Just checking the stitches on my penis. [pulls his jeans up.]


[User] Your leg okay?

[Assistant] It's healing.


[User] Good. Just came to grab the radiation-therapy forms.

[Assistant] What?


[User] Afsoun changed her mind.

[Assistant] [to Luca] Get out. [He leaves and he turns to her.] You made a decision.


[User] I changed my mind.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because there are more important things than�

[Assistant] Than what � than your brain, your abilities? It's where Everything comes from � any meaning in your life, any happiness.


[User] Not all happiness�

[Assistant] He's already left once. He's gonna leave you again. You don't need to depend on people who are gonna let you down. If you do this, you're a pathetic hypocrite. You're saying that your whole life, all your work up until him was a pointless�


[User] You alright? You go to lunch with Cuddy?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] How was it?

[Assistant] The pasta Arrabbiata was cold.


[User] Why don't we get a drink? We could go to the Sawmill.

[Assistant] Cuddy's is on the way. I need to return this.


[User] You think she's going to have an emergency tangle?

[Assistant] It was on my mind. I want to get it off.


[User] Want me to come?

[Assistant] If I get in trouble? I'm delivering a hair brush.


[User] What just happened?

[Assistant] Get out.


[User] What just happened?

[Assistant] [enunciating] Get out.


[User] Aah!

[Assistant] [cheerfully] You're right. I feel much better.


[User] You want another one?

[Assistant] No, I think I've had enough. What do you think I should do today?


[User] I don't know. [hopefully] Go home?

[Assistant] Not tonight. Cheers.


[User] We could use your opinion, House, or at least your attention.

[Assistant] (taking off his glasses and looking up at them) Jack Cannon is not dead. It's worse. Ten books leading up to a final confrontation. She ends it on a cliffhanger. Who does that?


[User] People who want to sell you the 11th.

[Assistant] She was gonna kill herself. This is the final Jack Cannon. Nothing gets resolved. Who's his father? Who killed his brother? How'd he get that damn scar on his cheek, and why is he obsessed with yo-yos?


[User] Is there anything in it that pertains to our case?

[Assistant] Yeah. I know why she wanted to kill herself. His mentor, Helen Rutherford, has contracted a serious illness, which consists of joint pain, fatigue, sensitivity to light, and depression.


[User] How do we know this mentor character's really Alice?

[Assistant] Helen dies halfway through the book. Shoots herself in the head... to save Jack from having to care for her.


[User] If we add those to the symptoms we've seen and the pericardial effusion... it's lupus.

[Assistant] Can't be lupus.


[User] Given good! [he flips a page in the file] !ish behavior and 8 of 12 months time served, we have the discretion to grant parole, Friday the 10th, five days from now. [He closes the file, folds his hands on the table and looks directly at House.] Are you sorry about what you did?

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Yes?

[Assistant] Well, that's the correct answer, isn't it?


[User] Are you trying to annoy us?

[Assistant] No, I'm just trying to give you the answers you need to cover your asses, fill out your forms, and let me out of here.


[User] We need you to show us remorse.

[Assistant] Is that how our system works? Release the best actors? I shudder to think what that world would be like.


[User] You drove your car into your ex-girlfriend's House and then fled the country for three months.

[Assistant] I knew that her daughter was at grandma's, like Every Friday, and I saw Everyone else move into the living room.


[User] They could've moved back.

[Assistant] Which I would've noticed since I was driving right towards them. [He just can't stop himself from being a smart ass.]


[User] Shut up. We got an order to reduce overcrowding. But let me be clear � you mouth off to one guard, we catch you with a single cafeteria tray in your cell, you break any rules I don't Even remember, you can Park your ass here for four more months. So forget being sorry. Can you stay out of trouble for five days?

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Gather for meds! Asofa!

[Assistant] [quietly] Yeah.


[User] Why you keep helping him out?

[Assistant] Yeah, why would I wanna make sure that my homicidal cellmate is taking the right anti-psychotics?


[User] Mendelson!

[Assistant] He's on 80 mg of Propranolol. That's 40.


[User] No worries. I like my nurses naughty.

[Assistant] I'm starting to think, Mendelson, that you just really like the taste of my spit.


[User] [laughs] Hey, House. Check out our new brand, huh?

[Assistant] You really got a thing for swastikas! Mendelson. Like an ironic thing?


[User] [defensive] It's a GerMan name.

[Assistant] So's "House." I'm Jewish. [Mendelson looks at him.] Nah, I'm a black, gay gypsy. [He walks away. Mendelson is not amused.]


[User] Knight to King's Bishop three.

[Assistant] Queen to King's Bishop sEven.


[User] Hey. You're House, right? I got these weird pains in my elbows and in my knees�

[Assistant] You know what's weirder? It's how the clinic is a large room and you somehow confused me with it. Although, to be fair, I am large. Hi, Rollo. I realize this is pRobably a rhetorical question � Why are you stealing my stuff?


[User] [friendly but not stopping what he's doing] Hey, House. I heard you're on short time. You won't need this.

[Assistant] You heard about my parole, but not about my violent reactions when people steal my tuna. Put it back.


[User] Nuh-uh.

[Assistant] Really? You're stepping to a guy who outweighs you by 50 pounds and who's carrying a cane, which, while prison-approved, would still cause some issues if inserted into your colon.


[User] You wanna get back at these guys? Get out alive on Friday. [A buzzer sounds.] All right, now go to work, House. [He claps House on the shoulder. House walks past him.] Oh, and that was Checkmate, right?

[Assistant] [voice from the hall] Yep.


[User] I heard you're on that short time, House?

[Assistant] If you like tuna, you're a little late.


[Assistant] It's not gonorrhea.


[User] I didn't say it was.

[Assistant] Not out loud, but you're figuring that joint pain, plus fEver, plus a low lifestyle equals a ceftriaxone prescription.


[User] House used to be a doctor.

[Assistant] Not going back. And that look of shock is elitist and offensive. Doctors can be degenerates. This is America. [back to the case] There's subtle eyebrow loss. It's lupus.


[User] Well, there's no discoid or malar rash on his face.

[Assistant] Which would be dispositive if he was just a giant head.


[User] No, there's no reason to search for a bodily rash since lupus doesn't usually present that way.

[Assistant] "Usually"? Well, I guess that's good enough for prison work. [She gapes at him as he turns to leave. Sykes is amused. Then House turns back, a little worried.] You don't write people up for mouthing off, do you?


[User] You don't wanna mess with Stomper. He didn't get that name because he's a fan of Santa's reindeer.

[Assistant] You think one of Santa's reindeer was called Stomper?


[User] Y-you're missing my point.

[Assistant] I'm not gonna listen to a guy who can't name the reindeer.


[User] Well, you saw what happened in the yard with Diaz. He barely said a couple of words and set the boy off. [House looks at him, then off in the distance.] Oh, no. I know that look.

[Assistant] Hey, Stomper.


[User] Where's my stereo?

[Assistant] I brought it to your cell.


[User] It ain't there.

[Assistant] I was just getting to that part. Rollo followed me in and took it.


[User] No way Rollo'd diss me like that.

[Assistant] Way. I don't wanna start any rumors, but�


[User] But what?

[Assistant] Well, he was all, you know, "I can take Stomper." And I was all, "how come?" And he was all, "'cause of how Diaz kicked his ass last month." In fact, he actually called you "Stompee," with an "ee." I think his gist was!


[User] That was stupid.

[Assistant] [removes his earphones] Is that, like, a synonym for "clEver"? By the time they get out of solitary, I'll be teaParkng physics at the University of Fiji.


[User] Don't.

[Assistant] This another pet? 'Cause it's gonna end badly. Again. Remember we talked about this? At least I talked, and you stared at me eerily. [Asofa stares eerily.] I think it was eerily. "Eerily" felt like the best-case scenario. Hey. Take off your shirt so I can find the rash.


[User] Oh, now you wanna help me. 'Cause that doctor didn't beliEve you?

[Assistant] Well, if you can think of a better way to prove that she's an idiot, I'm all ears. Now, let's get this over with.


[User] Yeah. [He puts down his sketch pad and takes off his shirt. House looks at the picture then starts inspecting Nick's torso.] That's Nicole. She lives at her mom's now on account that she lost her job. Her mom hates me, so she can't visit, she ain't accepting my calls.

[Assistant] Well, that's what happens when you date a 12-year-old.


[User] You don't beliEve me?

[Assistant] Belief implies a lEvel of giving a crap that I am nEver gonna aParkEve. Pull down your pants. Hey. It's not that I was trying to prove that you're an idiot or anything, but lupus boy and I were at the beach this morning, and I noticed a rash on his left thigh.


[User] I checked you out. You were a pretty big deal. What went wrong?

[Assistant] Something very obvious and very boring.


[User] Drug related? Forging prescriptions?

[Assistant] Oh, you're good, just like lupus boy will be when you start him on prednisone. Name should've been a giveaway. I'll send him up.


[User] Why are you so sure I'm gonna do what you say?

[Assistant] Because you're a smart, old-money, trust-fund girl who took this job because your liberal ideology makes you wanna make a difference, but you're already getting bored, and this is interesting.


[User] Why would you say any of that?

[Assistant] Your shoes � different, expensive pair Every day, but nEver leather, which means you're both rich and liberal. Antique locket � it's unpolished gold. Not some hipster thing. It's a family heirloom, which means old money. Osler scarf � only on Fridays, which means you did your residency at Hopkins, which means you're smarter than our interactions would so far indiCate. And your eyes � the only time you haven't looked bored in the three months since you've been here is when we've been discussing this diagnosis. So, yeah, you'll treat him for lupus.


[User] [purring] Parole? You didn't tell me.

[Assistant] I didn't want a big, emotional scene.


[User] But you know what the rules are. On short time, tax goes up.

[Assistant] How Many do you want?


[User] All of 'em.

[Assistant] Come on, Mendelson. I should be on six a day. I get four, and I give you two. [silence] Fine. Get one in my cell after lights-out. Plus Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, that's 11 in all.


[User] I count 20. You knew on Monday, you get out Friday. Five days. You should've told me earlier.

[Assistant] They give out four a day, Max.


[User] [laughs] You'll figure something out. You're a creative guy.

[Assistant] What if I just go into protective custody, spend the next three days in the hole?


[User] Oh, you could P.C. up. But then you'll get out, and unlike you! I got friends on the outside.

[Assistant] Porter.


[User] Doc, what ya need? I'm running a special on grilled cheese this week. Got some new girly mags too.

[Assistant] I was thinking of something more! Vicodin-y. At least 16, and I need them Friday at noon.


[User] [chuckles] That's pricy, but it can be done. How about you have one of your peeps on the outside send $200 to my boy up in Trenton?

[Assistant] I am peep-less.


[User] This is just you haggling, right?

[Assistant] No. I mean, you Ever see me chatting on the phone, taking visitors?


[User] All right, but I'm gonna have to clean you out. I'm gonna need to see some tuna. I'm gonna need to see some stamps, uh, stereo�

[Assistant] Just get 'em to me as soon as you can. What happened?


[User] I was trying to use the phone. I just�I just got jostled a little, that's it.

[Assistant] [quietly] Who hit you?


[User] [pulls away] Huh!

[Assistant] It's not lupus.


[User] Is that good?

[Assistant] Does it feel good?


[User] Sick. [He peeks one eye over the edge of his mattress to look down at House.]

[Assistant] No, I'm just going through a bit of withdrawal. I'm trying to survive on one a day for the next few days.


[User] No. [Asofa's lowers his arm. The cricket is cupped in his massive hand. It's not moving.] Fix him.

[Assistant] It's not lupus. He broke his arm.


[User] Or it is lupus, and he was in a fight.

[Assistant] He was in a jostle.


[User] 'Cause if he admits he was in a fight, then he goes to the hole.

[Assistant] That's why he'd lie to the guards. He's got no reason to lie to me.


[User] [straightening up and thinking about this] Huh.

[Assistant] See? There are those eyes again. [He moves toward the desk and Adams grabs Nick's folder and holds it away from House.] How about a viral syndrome? Or MRSA? No, that wouldn't chew up the bone that fast. But reaction to meds could. [holds out his hand for the chart] May I?


[User] May you what? Make me lose my job by showing you a Patient file? [House drops his hand and looks down.] But why don't you assume no recent meds?

[Assistant] How long can I assume that he's been smoking? Based on his yellow fingers.


[User] You're thinking lung cancer. Metastatic. I'll x-ray him on Friday. [House gives her an annoyed look.] We share a traveling x-ray maParkne with two other clinics.

[Assistant] I'm out of here on Friday.


[User] He's not.

[Assistant] Well, how about! if he throws a clot and strokes out, you can use the x-ray to do the autopsy. Start him on blood thinners.


[User] Very interesting practice you must've run. No need for tests. [House taps on the door and the guard opens it.] No need for proof. Where are you going?

[Assistant] [leaving] To the proof store.


[User] You were right about Nicole.

[Assistant] [lifts his head] About me not caring? I thought so. [He goes back to listening, tapping on Nick's chest with a couple of fingers.]


[User] It wasn't her mom. It was her. She doesn't wanna talk to me.

[Assistant] Listen, I'm trying to listen to your lungs, not your self-pity. [He stops and gets up, grabbing his cane.] Cancer can wait. [joining Frankie who was walking past] Hey, heading out to the yard?


[User] Mm-hmm.

[Assistant] You mind trying to find me a cricket?


[User] The ol' swap trick? You don't think that will piss off your cellie Even more when he figures it's a different bug?

[Assistant] I'll dress 'em the same, like in Vertigo.


[User] Well, I'll try, but they spray so much pesticide I'm surprised we're alive.

[Assistant] [thoughtfully] Good point. [He sees Porter and turns to follow him.] Hey. How's it coming?


[User] It ain't. The Confederates be giving themselves spankin' new tats. They putting a claim on all of my Vicodin. Now, I love you and all, my brother, but not as much as I love my gang of crazy, roided-out Nazi bitches.

[Assistant] [sitting on the next gurney] Now try an inch to the left. Hear the difference?


[User] [impressed] Yeah!

[Assistant] It's called an acoustical shadow. It means he's got a tumor.


[User] How did you find that without a stethoscope? I didn't Even know you could do this!

[Assistant] Start the blood thinners.


[User] No.

[Assistant] [simultaneously] Yeah


[User] All you've proven is there's an anomaly in his chest.

[Assistant] [incredulous] Which means your initial diagnosis could still be right?


[User] Which apparently really bugs you. [She has an idea] I could do a clotting test.

[Assistant] That's! that's a good idea.


[User] Are you really leaving medicine? What are you gonna do? [no answer] You know, for someone who asks as Many favors as you do, you sure don't make any effort to win me over.

[Assistant] Before I went to med school, I thought about getting a Ph.D. in physics. You Ever heard of dark matter? The way galaxies rotate, the motion of the Universe! it means there's six times more stuff than we can detect. It's been theorized but no one's Ever proved it exists.


[User] So, uh, so you wanna research it? Why?

[Assistant] It's the greatest mystery there is � the theory of Everything.


[User] And completely divorced from huManity.

[Assistant] Well, me and huManity, we got together too young.


[User] Tsk. You have a gift. There is something in this world you are undeniably great at. You can read people. You-you understand them. You gotta go back to medicine.

[Assistant] Well, if that gift is related to what brought me here, you'll understand if I wanna check the returns policy.


[User] Cool.

[Assistant] Jiminy didn't Parkrp much last night. If it's a disease, then he's six inches under. [He taps some bicarb into the bottle.] But this could also be pesticide poisoning! [He shakes the bottle well] Which bicarbonate of soda has been used to treat. [He adds some to a postcard which he picks up and, blocking the view with his body, slips under an upturned half bottle with the new cricket in it. He steps to the side so Asofa can see the "cured"� cricket.] See? Just so much and no more. Mm! [silence] This is where you say "thank you." [nothing] Or I say thank you for not killing me. [long pause] Thank you.


[User] Hey. The x-ray didn't show any tumors. The acoustical shadow was just a lipoma. [House sits down and rubs his leg.] I'm thinking � you all right?

[Assistant] I'm fine.


[User] Ibuprofen?

[Assistant] It's not gonna help.


[User] You can look at the Patient file if you want.

[Assistant] You trust me?


[User] Any reason I shouldn't?

[Assistant] You're really not good at reading people, are you? Or buildings.


[User] People are compliCated. And people change.

[Assistant] [reaParkng for the file] Not that much to the first, and not at all to the second. But if it'll get me the file!


[User] If we add "clotting disorder" to the symptoms, it's gotta be a toxin.

[Assistant] This guy's the only one with symptoms. It's either gotta be his cell or his work station.


[User] The laundry room. So maybe a solvent or detergent?

[Assistant] Can you get me an escort to gather samples?


[User] [entering] Dr. Adams. Why does this Man have a file?

[Assistant] You need to get cotton swabs�


[User] [standing with difficulty and pulling on his jumpsuit. There's another portrait of Nicole on the wall by the bunk.] � but not now. I got something to do.

[Assistant] You're a prisoner on tier time. By definition, you have nothing to do.


[User] Call her family, her friends, her work. I'm gonna get through Eventually.

[Assistant] You're moving slower. You're getting weaker. This thing's attacking your bones, your joints, your blood.


[User] Look, my girl's more important.

[Assistant] [frustrated and annoyed] She's not your girl, you idiot. She was the girlfriend of a loser drug dealer. Think she's got the self-control to wait around for three years? You think she should? There's a reason we're locked away from nice, normal people. [relenting, nicer] Your life outside is over. Your friends, your girl, Everyone you worked with, they've moved on.


[User] Get out of my House. [shouts] Get out!

[Assistant] Where's Sykes?


[User] Off at his other clinics.

[Assistant] Great. I'm gonna go through the laundry. Give me some swabs.


[User] No.

[Assistant] What? He yelled at you for letting me see the file? You'll get over it. A few years of therapy�


[User] Why did you lie to me about what you were in for?

[Assistant] [enters and closes the door behind him] Okay, so I drove a car into a wall instead of stealing some pills. You obviously don't care what I did. You care that I lied to you. You feel jilted.


[User] I feel stupid. It-it doesn't Even make sense. Why are you doing time? You didn't have any priors. You didn't hurt anyone.

[Assistant] I had a bad Lawyer.


[User] I'm sorry. We can't talk about this case anymore.

[Assistant] Uhhh!


[User] We hear you're gonna need an incentive to get all my pills by tomorrow.

[Assistant] I-I-I can't get all 20, but once I get out�


[User] [to Sullivan] Give us a minute. [Sullivan leaves, giving Mendelson House's cane. He kneels next to House and talks quietly, as if he's confiding in him.] Why do you think I'm on buspirone? The stress! I get the runs almost Every day. Any sign of weakness, 20 guys would line up to stick a sharpened-up toothbrush in my eye. So as much as my better nature really wants to give you a pass! it just wouldn't be good for my health. See you tomorrow.

[Assistant] I need your help. You have any matches?


[User] No, that's serious contraband. What are you planning to do?

[Assistant] What about a stick of gum?


[User] Sure. [pulls one out of his pocket]

[Assistant] I'm gonna need that too.


[User] [suspicious] Why?

[Assistant] Why do I need the pen that you always carry around and nEver write with? [Frankie hands it over.] This is plan "B." [He clicks the pen, rEvealing a blade.]


[User] What happened to your cheek?

[Assistant] What is it?


[User] Hey. Hey, House. You were saying something about how I should, like, uh, swab or�

[Assistant] You're confusing me with the clinic again.


[User] What? You're abandoning me?

[Assistant] As soon as you leave, I am.


[User] Why? What changed?

[Assistant] I'm just done. No you, no medicine, no fixing people. Done. Now get out.


[User] [leans against the door jamb] No!

[Assistant] [looks at Nick for the first time] Your lips are swelling. Open your mouth. Did you just eat something?


[User] Meatloaf, potatoes, coffee!

[Assistant] You allergic to anything? [Nick collapses. House lowers him to the floor while yelling for help.] Guard! You're going into anaphylactic shock. Guard! Dammit. I gotta make a hole so you can breathe.


[User] House, get away from him.

[Assistant] He's having an allergic reaction. He can't breathe.


[User] Lie on the ground with your hands behind your head.

[Assistant] Alvarez, look at what I'm doing! It's a tracheotomy. Come on, Man. You know I'm a doctor.


[User] What's wrong with him?

[Assistant] I have no idea. Saving us both from contraband charges. It was great knowing you. [He knocks on his cell door. A guard arrives. House talks to him through the locked door.] I need to be taken into protective custody. Wow. [The guard accompanying him waits imPatiently.] That was great. I think I really dodged a bullet there.


[User] You don't need P.C.?

[Assistant] [walking away, toward his cell] Uh, it's nothing personal. We'll reschedule. Rain check, I promise. It wasn't the food. It was the heat. It's mastocytosis. It can be set off by hot liquids, like the coffee he just drank.


[User] It's a possibility. I'll run some blood tests. Thank you.

[Assistant] No, no! It's almost impossible to confirm masto with blood work. Just give him five aspirin. [Adams looks very puzzled.]


[User] If he has masto, he'll go into anaphylactic shock and won't be able to breathe again.

[Assistant] You do understand the meaning of the word "confirm."


[User] It's not.

[Assistant] Well, what do you have to lose by giving him the aspirin?


[User] I'm not taking the risk.

[Assistant] It's his risk to take. If he has another attack and there isn't a doctor in the next cell, he could die! So for one second, will you stop covering your ass and do the test?


[User] No.

[Assistant] [quietly, choosing his words carefully] You're a moron and a coward. I'll do it myself.


[User] Dr. House. Did you get all the Vicodin you needed? [he looks at her] I'm not an idiot. That fire, the bruise on your face! I talk to prisoners. I know about exit taxes. You're clearly getting squeezed.

[Assistant] I need 20. [She pulls a bottle of pills out of her pocket and gives him some.] And let me back into the clinic when Sykes is gone.


[User] We'll take care of Nick.

[Assistant] You can't if you're not willing to do�


[User] Well done. If knew if you'd learned nothing else in here, you'd learned the smart thing is to fall in line.

[Assistant] [looks around, worried; nods] You're absolutely right.


[User] Come on. Come on!

[Assistant] [pleasantly] Thanks for getting me to the clinic.


[User] [grabs Sullivan's shirtfront in both fists, threatening] Take him out.

[Assistant] [off-screen] C.O.! We have a little pRoblem here!


[User] [into radio] I need backup, I need backup! We got a big fight here.

[Assistant] Alvarez!


[User] Hey! Sit down! Back off.

[Assistant] Where's the aspirin?


[User] House, open up! This is a direct order!

[Assistant] Yeah, it's always a direct order. Eight months. Haven't heard an indirect order in here.


[User] They're gonna revoke your parole. They're gonna charge you with extra crimes. You'll be here six more months, minimum!

[Assistant] [putting some aspirin in a folded sheet of paper and smashing them] Sorry. Distracted. You were saying?


[User] I checked your file. You didn't have a bad Lawyer. You had no Lawyer. You took the first deal they offered you, because you wanted to punish yourself. Do you think getting beaten up, you think saving this one guy will wipe your slate clean?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Then why are you doing this?

[Assistant] 'Cause I have a gift. [to Nick] Once you drink this, you should get an attack almost immediately. That is, if I'm right.


[User] You just bought yourself months in solitary. Was it really worth it?

[Assistant] If I'm wrong, no, it wasn't.


[User] No! No! No! Get the cup! Get the cup!

[Assistant] Just drink it! Drink it!


[User] Yes. Now shut up and let's see if he has an attack.

[Assistant] Come on, just a little more time.


[User] Get up, House.

[Assistant] Must be some mistake. I specifically requested my wakeup startle three hours from now.


[User] Some VIP visitor. Dean of Medicine from your old hospital.

[Assistant] I've had dreams about this. I'm going to assume this is another one.


[User] Get up. (He raps on the doorframe again)

[Assistant] I can refuse to see any visitor I want. Tell the Dean that I don't want to see her.


[User] He said you'd say that.

[Assistant] (rolling back to look up at the guard) He? What's the hiring policy over there? All ass based?


[User] I can get you out of here.

[Assistant] Not unless that file has a file in it.


[User] Judge's order for your immediate release.

[Assistant] I had eight months added to my sentence two months ago. The math is pretty basic.


[User] We have a crisis. Which, is good news for you. You're out tonight on conditional parole. The condition being that you're employed by me, at PPTH.

[Assistant] No, thanks. You think it's a good idea for me to go right back to my old life? For either of us?


[User] And it only has 12 hours left. No pulse, no body. No ability to answer questions. It's your perfect Patient.

[Assistant] I did pay for the room for the whole week, but!


[User] Donor's an 18-year-old college kid back from Hofstra. Goes to a homecoming party with his buddies, hops on his motorcycle, ends up an organ donor. Asystole in the E.R. No pulse. No blood circulating. His heart, liver, kidneys were all toast. Surgeons had the recipient on the table when they realized the lungs had increased airway resistance. The team closed her up, put the lungs in suspended animation. Buys 24 hours to fix it, 12 of which have passed. We still have no clue what's wrong.

[Assistant] Nice painting. Blues and greens. Calming, but with a hint of nurturing. Totally offsets the stench of suffering and death. Where's my Patient? We need to not talk.


[User] ICU isolation room. The transplant team will meet you there with updates from the past two hours.

[Assistant] Great. (holding out the file) Take this.


[User] How about you drop it in your office?

[Assistant] I completely understand and, almost respect your desire to appear to be Dean of Medicine, given that your title is Dean of Medicine. On the other hand! Seriously?


[User] Get this straight. You break the law, you go back to jail. Scam extra Vicodin, back to jail. Flout my authority, make the hospital look bad, back to jail. I own you.

[Assistant] Yes, massa.


[User] See, that, would be an example.

[Assistant] When did Cuddy leave?


[User] She gave her notice the day after your incident. Took a job�

[Assistant] Don't need the details.


[User] Ortho needed more space. You're this way.

[Assistant] Where's my stuff?


[User] No idea.

[Assistant] What about my team?


[User] Pathetic. The first thing you said to me was you don't want your old environment. The fourth thing you said was, "where's my old environment?" It's been a year, Taub, Chase, Thirteen all moved on. The world does that sometimes.

[Assistant] No, it doesn't.


[User] Hi.

[Assistant] I'm not interested in another department's sloppy seconds.


[User] I'm not sloppy seconds.

[Assistant] 3:00 a.m. If Foreman had called you in from home, you wouldn't have


[User] Yes, I was on call for neurology.

[Assistant] Well, if that were true, you'd be working right now and unavailable to help. Which means that you're hanging out in the hospital pretending to work. Which means you're not just a reject, you're a cowardly reject who was trying to hide her rejectedness from someone.


[User] I am not a reject.

[Assistant] Then go back to neurology.


[User] ARDS secondary to trauma is our leading hypothesis. FiO2 is 93%�

[Assistant] (loudly) Prison! Sorry, I thought I heard Everyone else think that. I was in prison, you see. It was a long time ago, but still, you're curious. NEver was raped, not raped-raped. Well, raped-raped, but not raped-raped-raped. Well, now that we've got that completely behind us.


[User] Sorry, Dr. House, welcome back.

[Assistant] Is there cake? Any alveolar exudate?


[User] No. The lungs are dry.

[Assistant] Well it's not ARDS. It's the autumn. Its tick borne disease season. EhrliParkosis causing bronParkalitis. You'll appreciate that I left the "idiots" subtextual.


[User] Blood smear was clear, and we "idiots" treated with broad spectrum antibiotics.

[Assistant] Cocaine.


[User] Tox screen was clean.

[Assistant] Dead men don't pee. Tox screen tests for metabolites in the urine. Coke nEver got past the lungs. Also explains the motorcycle crash. Idiots.


[User] Let's get the lungs on treatment.

[Assistant] Great idea. Unless you're wrong. And by you, I mean me. Then this treatment will burn holes in the lungs. I'd call you idiots again, but at this point I'm starting to doubt whether you understand what I mean by the word. (to Park) Kato, get Black Beauty and meet me out front. (looking directly at Wilson) We're gonna find the dead kid's stash. Since an 18-year-old with organ donor on his license is not a cancer Patient, I'm figuring the recipient is a lifetime member of the Wilson cares too much club.


[User] Excellent deduction.

[Assistant] You're the reason I'm out of the big House. Doesn't quite make up for nEver visiting�


[User] Springing you was Foreman's idea. I wasn't convinced until Simpson failed three times.

[Assistant] It amounts to the same thing. You wanted me back.


[User] See, I knew you'd over-interpret it.

[Assistant] Strong, emotional reaction. I guess that's what a lifetime membership gets you. How's your wrist?


[User] Healed, thank you.

[Assistant] I was wrong. I went to prison. I paid the price. (Wilson's pager beeps)


[User] (pulling out his pager) You're a changed Man.

[Assistant] I said I was wrong. I didn't say I changed. I haven't. Neither have you�


[User] We pRobably shouldn't be turning up unannounced like this. Their son just died.

[Assistant] Bright side � they're pRobably up weeping. Hey, we both assaulted our bosses. It's like we're twins.


[User] I'd really rather not!.

[Assistant] Okay, I'll go first. My boss dumped me. And yours what? Called you his Parkna doll? Joked about what a crappy deal you got for Manhattan? Assumed you have a huge penis? I have no idea what flavor you are, so I thought I'd just cover the spread.


[User] My mom's Filipino, Dad's Korean, and my boss grabbed my behind.

[Assistant] Behind what? Oh, yeah, your � grabbed your tushy. So now you're pretending to be on call so that your overly protective boyfriend won't find out that you got groped.


[User] I don't have a boyfriend. It's my parents. If they found out what I've done, they'd be mortified.

[Assistant] Your parents know your call schedule?


[User] I live with them.

[Assistant] Right. No issues there.


[User] I told you my son didn't do cocaine.

[Assistant] Druggies are not known for their honesty. Trust me on this one.


[User] Hey, take it easy. Steve loved all that�

[Assistant] Sorry. But we're on a clock.


[User] (whispering) I think he's about to throw us out.

[Assistant] (looking up at Mr. Weathers) Nope. His son is dead. The only way that has any meaning is if we fix the lungs and transplant them. It doesn't matter how much we piss him off as long as we find something. So go back there, piss him off and find something.


[User] (speaking quietly to House) I understand that we're in a hurry but maybe he should.

[Assistant] Your son isn't wearing glasses in any of these pictures.


[User] He just got them a couple of weeks ago.

[Assistant] Because he was having headaches? Answer the question before answering the door.


[User] Yeah, he was.

[Assistant] You're right. He was not doing cocaine. He had a brain tumor. Don't bother. It's for me. (propping his foot on the dresser, and pulling up his pant leg to rEveal the monitor) Turns out they monitor these monitors.


[User] (shaking hands with the police Officer) Thank you, Officer.

[Assistant] I thought the bracelet was decorative. My aunt had one just like it. Wait a minute.


[User] You're allowed to be at the hospital. You're allowed to go home. That was made clear.

[Assistant] Dead kid's House was on the way to my apartment. (He picks up his cane and stands) Assuming I got lost, twice.


[User] Those consultants in my office are only costing the hospital 100 bucks Every minute I keep them waiting. Why didn't you just tell me what you were doing?

[Assistant] I knew you were very busy, being vaguely important.


[User] I might have cleared it with the cops.

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the word "might" that bumps me, but I'll run it by you next time. (He turns to leave)


[User] Getting you out of jail was not a popular decision with the board. I need you to solve this, and I need you to do it without making me look like I can't control you. For both our sakes. (House nods)

[Assistant] Disciplinary hearing should be fun, and the subsequent lingering black mark on your record.


[User] We have to wheel this out to the MRI. We should pRobably leave the body in the bag.

[Assistant] (feeling the body's upper right arm) There's a mass in the arm. Analyzing part of this tumor is gonna be quicker than a scan. So, where's the next job? You worry about what people think of you, and parental secrets. The only way that you don't worry about this hearing is if you don't think there's gonna be one. The only way that happens is you leave Princeton Plainsboro.


[User] I had a video interview with Parkcago yesterday. It went well.

[Assistant] My money's on rhabdomyosarcoma. (giving the jar to Park) Parkcago has a great program, and you're a dumbass. Running away from home is a time-honored tradition, but you're not doing it to flee your parents. You're doing it to protect them. (He picks up his cane) That's an insult to Everything teen prostitutes have worked for. Time to grow up and come clean.


[User] We don't have any choice. The nitro is dropping the blood flow to your kidneys. They're shutting down.

[Assistant] This is so our song.


[User] My Patient is running out of time.

[Assistant] Not worried. My team is confirming the diagnosis as we speak.


[User] (pausing the music again) I want to be understanding. It's your first day back�

[Assistant] See? I smell empathy. You should remember all the good times. Like when I gave you that necklace that you just dumped n the ocean. What were you thinking?


[User] (pausing the music yet again) House, I haven't forgotten our friendship. For Every good memory, there's a slew of bad ones.

[Assistant] Come in.


[User] Paraneoplastic syndrome's out. The lung donor didn't have cancer.

[Assistant] Tell that to the tumor that I found in his arm.


[User] That mass wasn't a tumor. It was coagulated plasma. E.R. pumped him full of it. I.V. leaked into his arm. I Even did a complete MRI. No cancer anywhere. We've got nothing.

[Assistant] Just 'cause it wasn't a tumor doesn't mean it didn't mess with the lungs. They're reacting to something in the plasma.


[User] But Every unit of plasma can have up to 25 contributing donors. We need to track down all of them.

[Assistant] Still. (picking up his cane and heading out the door) It's not as bad as a thousand people going down in a gigantic boat, right? My heart will go on. (He leaves Wilson's office)


[User] No. You can't leave the hospital.

[Assistant] 25 donors contributed to the plasma that the lung donor got. My team cannot track down and interview them all in six hours.


[User] I vouch for you to the cops, you take some parole-violating detour celebrating your freedom, justified, of course, by some absurd theory connecting it to the case.

[Assistant] You asked me to ask you. Was that just so you'd enjoy saying no?


[User] I don't trust you, House. I can't.

[Assistant] Actually you have to.


[User] Not absolutely. Not outside the walls of this hospital.

[Assistant] Fine, then give me a team I don't have to put in quotation marks.


[User] Use the people already on the case.

[Assistant] Give me Chase, Taub, Thirteen.


[User] We don't have the money to pay them.

[Assistant] Oh, yeah. (looking around the newly decorated office) It went to interior designers, I understand.


[User] You only have Park because she's on neurology's tab. You are making minimum wage.

[Assistant] I am?


[User] Get out of my office, please. (House leaves)

[Assistant] What do you got?


[User] Number three went to a baseball game the day before he donated.

[Assistant] Boredom is not transmissible.


[User] He ate a bag of peanuts, and peanut proteins would be. If our donor had an allergy, it could explain the lungs.

[Assistant] Nice.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Nothing.


[User] Don't start that.

[Assistant] Start what? I'm enjoying our conversation. The repartee.


[User] There was no repartee.

[Assistant] That was repartee.


[User] I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it to help my Patient.

[Assistant] It's just good to hear your voice.


[User] (disconnecting) Goodbye.

[Assistant] That's my whiteboard. I need it. And he really doesn't care how the cast comes off.


[User] (smiling) Dr. Foreman warned us that you'd try something. Told me to call him if you did. I'd like to do that.

[Assistant] I'll take this outside. (answering the phone) Yeah.


[User] (getting into her car in a residential neighborhood) Donor six traveled to Thailand around Khorat. Region was endemic with dengue fEver.

[Assistant] Good. Yeah.


[User] Alcohol.

[Assistant] He'd have to be pretty drunk for it to affect a pool of plasma.


[User] These guys have got that covered. Acute etoh ingestion could have�(she interrupts the call to yell at the painting crew) hey, paint around them, they're not hurting anyone]

[Assistant] Who's painting?


[User] The crew's just starting. Paint fumes didn't cause contamination. But, maybe the old paint did. They scraped off the underpass, pRobably because it contains! lead.

[Assistant] (speaking it at the same time as Park does) Lead.


[User] (still standing) How's the chelation going?

[Assistant] REverend Moon started it about 20 minutes ago. You missed lunch tracking down the plasma donors. Got you a Reuben from the cafeteria.


[User] Thanks. (he sits) Lead exposure's a nice diagnosis. I hope it pays off.

[Assistant] It will.


[User] I appreciate your confidence, but she's not really�

[Assistant] Oh, no, she could die. But technically it will still pay off. Even if your Patient dies, someone will get the lungs.


[User] We killed part of the lung.

[Assistant] (into the phone) Page Dr. Pinto stat to the cath lab.


[User] We're going to the cath lab? Are you thinking that maybe�

[Assistant] What? Who? One dead lobe means four alive ones. It means enough to transplant with a side order of dead tissue that we can test.


[User] It makes sense. Unlike you stealing my phone.

[Assistant] You have unlimited texting. Until your parents know, you will nEver see that punch for what it really was. Your February 4th. Sri Lankan Independence Day.


[User] I told you I'm Korean and Filipino.

[Assistant] And I told you I wasn't listening. By my actions.


[User] Violence isn't an appropriate way to handle conflict. It was a moment of weakness.

[Assistant] You barked at me, picked a fight with a painting crew. Maybe it's time to recognize it's not a character flaw. Maybe it's your character. (acknowledging the doctor) Pinto!


[User] House.

[Assistant] (to Park) Embrace your inner bitch. So why did chelation make the lungs worse? We got about five minutes till Pinto gets back. Give me a hand with this.


[User] I tracked down another bag of plasma from the batch they used on the donor. Negative for all our other exposures.

[Assistant] Sarcoidosis could be inflamed by the treatment. (He looks at the chair then back at Park) I am a cripple, in need of assistance.


[User] (ignoring House, Park opens the Patient file) Um, transplant team ran an A.C.E. Negative.

[Assistant] It's mine. And it's your job.


[User] My job is to assist you in curing the lungs.

[Assistant] This chair will help me do that.


[User] What if the scrapings from the bridge contained other heavy metals like barilium or asbestos?

[Assistant] Chelation for lead wouldn't have made them worse. But! maybe the pRoblem isn't a heavy metal from outside. It's inside. But it's not leaving the body like it's supposed to. It's stuck. Iron. The donor had hemosiderosis.


[User] His body wasn't disposing of iron. Massive amounts choke up the lungs. Then our chelation would wreak havoc because it picks up too much stuff.

[Assistant] Go stain the dead lung tissue for iron. I'm sorry, young lady, I simply will not help you steal this chair. Pinto.


[User] (through the door) House, the nurses saw you come in.

[Assistant] Enter.


[User] It's a bathroom.

[Assistant] Ah, explains the hole in this chair. God, I missed doors. And air freshener. Now go away. I'm waiting for some test results.


[User] My Patient signed a DNR. She's giving up. Looks like someone else will be getting the lungs. Making this yet another interaction with you in which I get nothing.

[Assistant] It's not my fault you can't handle your Patient.


[User] She said she's done. I spent half an hour trying to change her mind, but she'd made her decision. I accepted that. It's called respect.

[Assistant] And what's after respect? You find another angle. You hold her hand, get the sister to beg, (he throws the magazine onto the side table) stick your fingers in your ears, pretend you can't hear. You do whatEver it takes.


[User] Biopsy rEvealed, white blood cell inflitrates.

[Assistant] Infection was right, after all. Fresh fruit in prison is usually Parkcken.


[User] Why aren't you more alarmed? We're running out of time.

[Assistant] (yelling) Aahh, she's dying! (speaking normally again) Were you able to figure out what was wrong while I was screaming?


[User] Infection was the first thing that the transplant team treated for.

[Assistant] Which would have worked if the bacteria had been out in the open. If they're hiding inside the lung cells! I'm thinking brucella. And to wipe that out, you need special ops. (Park looks confused) An intact immune system.


[User] (reaParkng for and eating a piece of fruit) But that's what white blood cells are.

[Assistant] They're part of the immune defense force, like the infantry. But those lungs need the Air Force and the Marines, antibodies raining down from above. (Park still does not understand) (explaining) Antibiotics and IVIG.


[User] Did you use metaphors for your old team? Or do you just think I'm particularly stupid?

[Assistant] No, they were stupid too.


[User] Hi.

[Assistant] (lifting his head to look at Wilson) Case is under control. It's me time.


[User] Vanessa's gonna do the lung slurry. (House props himself up on his elbows and looks at Wilson) You were right to push me. I needed that. Thank you.

[Assistant] So we're good?


[User] It was good advice. Just, came here to say thank you.

[Assistant] I like you. (WiIson stops and looks back at House) I have fun with you. (House pushes up to a sitting postion) And, if you can honestly say that you don't like me, you don't have fun with me, I can accept that. But, just do whatEver you have to do to get over this. You can punch me in the face, kick me in the nuts. Either/or. Both seems excessive.


[User] The thing is, House! I don't like you. (He leaves)

[Assistant] When did the discoloration start?


[User] A few minutes after I started the IVIG.

[Assistant] Means we're wrong about infection.


[User] And by we, you mean you. You screwed up the lungs.

[Assistant] Wrong about autoimmune, not cancer, heavy metals, genetic issues! Increase peep.


[User] Already maxed out. We're close to the point of no return. The lungs will nEver be viable for transplant.

[Assistant] I need! I need ideas.


[User] IgA nephropathy.

[Assistant] That's already ruled out.


[User] Lupus.

[Assistant] (frustrated) No--o.


[User] Maybe we're just out of time.

[Assistant] We're out of time when we're out of time. When they die or she dies. Keep them stable as long as you can. I need to think. (He leaves)


[User] Make a wish. Make a wish.

[Assistant] The lungs are a smoker. (speaking to the lungs) You of all people should know better.


[User] But the kid nEver smoked.

[Assistant] He played poker. Who plays poker without cigars? Even if he didn't light up himself! It was a rainy night. The windows were closed. All parents think their kids are special. And these ones were right. At least his white blood cells were special. They had an on switch for reacting to smoke, but no off. When he inhaled small amounts of smoke, he had small pRoblems. No one Even noticed. Big amounts of smoke, that's enough to trash a lung. As soon as he breathed in all that cigar smoke, he was a dead Man. The motorcycle accident was an unnecessary dramatic flourish.


[User] Eosiniphilic pneumonitis. But, the steroids would have treated for that.

[Assistant] I was right. Not about anything medical, but my metaphors were perfect. We need to hit it harder. We need to carpet bomb, blitzkrieg. We need the nuclear option.


[User] At some point you're going to say we need to radiate, right?

[Assistant] See, the metaphors work.


[User] But that'll destroy the good lung too. Better to go with a strong cocktail of immunosuppressants.

[Assistant] Won't be fast enough. Wilson needs these lungs.


[User] This is all you get. Ortho still has the outer office.

[Assistant] Well, that sucks. Where are Chase, Taub, and Thirteen gonna sit?


[User] You're welcome, House.

[Assistant] Oof!


[User] Dinner later? I'll pick something up.

[Assistant] (still lying on the floor and rubbing his jaw) I heard about a good new vegetarian place.


[User] Why am I watParkng you cut your hair?

[Assistant] If I do it at home, I'm the one who has to clean it up.


[User] I was referring less to where it's happening and more to why.

[Assistant] New life, new look.


[User] Does that mean you like your new life?

[Assistant] If you're asking if your job is safe, that depends on what you have to say about the file you're holding.


[User] It doesn't seem like much of a case. Although, I'm sure I'm wrong!

[Assistant] You are. Tell me why.


[User] Guy collapsed after being on his feet for hours on a hot day without breakfast, so! that's really weird.

[Assistant] E.R. found nothing wrong, then I decided I should test his wallet.


[User] He's rich? That's why we're taking the case?

[Assistant] No, we're taking the case because no one knows what's wrong with him. And he's rich. Dr. Adams. (To Park) Give her the file.


[User] This is my only copy.

[Assistant] My M.O. depends upon the use of a team. Definitionally, that involves! more than one person. So I really have no choice. Give her the file.


[User] You can't afford a team.

[Assistant] Adams is free. And I'm referring both to her availability and her price tag (Adams gives him a look). New girl, meet newer girl, and vice versa.


[User] You said we were meeting for coffee.

[Assistant] Well, when someone asks if you want coffee, they obviously don't just mean coffee. Wait! did you think I was referring to sex? (To Park) Would you shut the blinds on your way out?


[User] I thought you were referring to talking.

[Assistant] Talking about medicine. Specifically, as it refers to the guy whose name is on the file she still hasn't handed you.


[User] I'm not working, House. I'm in the process of looking for a paying job.

[Assistant] In the meantime, there's no way a do-gooder like you has been volunteering all over town � ladling kittens, spaying soup!


[User] There is a free clinic in Trenton.

[Assistant] Well, think of this as today's free clinic. Only with fewer bums with herpes.


[User] I don't think we actually have much of a case. I think it's just dehydration.

[Assistant] What happened the last time another doctor told you I was wrong about a case?


[User] I lost my job.

[Assistant] You saved a life.


[User] Most people with his kind of money are commissioning oil paintings of their Yorkshire terrier. Benjamin is sacrificing his own comfort to help others.

[Assistant] That's because helping others is his Yorkie oil painting.


[User] That's naive and sick. You really want to improve things? You do it through policy. This guy empties his pockets, what really changes?

[Assistant] That's right, all those babies with AIDS, they're just using us.


[User] My parents had $800 between them when they got here. They scraped and borrowed so we could go to good schools, and I worked my ass off. No one gave me a handout. It makes me work harder.

[Assistant] (Pointing to Adams) Rebuttal.


[User] What's your evil plan?

[Assistant] I object to your cynicism.


[User] It's been earned.

[Assistant] That's what I object to. The new Dean of Medicine has an ethical obligation to come in with a completely open mind about all employees, thus letting me blithely run roughshod for at least four weeks.


[User] My theory is that you're running a battery of tests to convince him that you saved his life, then con him into funding you to hire back your team.

[Assistant] (Sarcastically) What?


[User] Your old team?

[Assistant] [Shouts] What?


[User] This is your new reality. You've got your office. You've got neighbors. You've got one employee, one volunteer. Until she finds actual, paid work, or gets sick of you.

[Assistant] I talked to Chase and Taub. They're willing to come back.


[User] What about Thirteen?

[Assistant] Not a good choice. She's not long term because she has no long term.


[User] Not taking your calls?

[Assistant] She will.


[User] Discharge the Patient.

[Assistant] Unexplained loss of consciousness could be cardiomyopathy, global anoxia, subarachnoid hemorrhage�


[User] You've got two choices, House. You can recognize that your Patient is just a very nice, healthy guy, and send him home, or you can consider altruism a symptom. In which case, you cannot take his money. (Walks out)

[Assistant] (To Park) Send him home. And check with admitting for the net worth of all new Patients.


[User] (Sitting in a couch) I'm not coming back, House.

[Assistant] Technically, you're back right now.


[User] (While standing up)I need you to stop calling me. First 17 messages were cute, but�

[Assistant] I'm putting the band back together.


[User] Interesting that you nEver showed up at my place, what with your love of annoying me and your inability to take no for an answer. I'm guessing ankle monitor.

[Assistant] (Showing her his monitor) Guilty as charged. Literally.


[User] I'm not a doctor anymore, House.

[Assistant] The job went away, but not the profession. You look healthy, so! that's not it. You met a boy. Or a girl. Fall in love, wanna be happy. You decided to! enjoy what time you have left. You're going to Thailand.


[User] Turns out I like boring.

[Assistant] No, you wanna like boring. But if you actually liked boring, you would have figured that out in fifth grade, when you were bored.


[User] Please stop calling me.

[Assistant] (As she leaves) No. You showed up to tell me that you don't want to hear from me. That's a mixed signal. I will choose to listen to your actions rather than your words. They're more honest.


[User] Patient got tachycardic to 185. We pushed 18 milligrams adenosine. There's definitely something wrong with him.

[Assistant] Which is awesome. Now there's something to cure, which means there's something to be disproportionately financially grateful for.


[User] Thanks.

[Assistant] Arrhythmia could easily have caused the collapse that landed Father Teresa in here in the first place.


[User] What about Whipple's?

[Assistant] If it was Whipple's, there'd be some kind of neurological involvement.


[User] You don't think defying huMan nature is neurological?

[Assistant] Racing heart: Medical condition. Bleeding heart: Stupid condition.


[User] Are you saying that because you beliEve it, or because it's in your financial best interest to think his generosity isn't just temporary?

[Assistant] I'm told that some people are just nice. I'm trying to embrace that wisdom.


[User] Benjamin's been taking allergy medication the last few weeks. Long QT syndrome can be medication-induced.

[Assistant] Flush him with saline, get rid of the antihistamines, then do an EKG. No, wait. I'll do the flushing. (To Adams) Take the damn $2.00. She hasn't Even sipped the coffee. (Walks out)


[User] Benjamin's room--

[Assistant] I just got so angry. You know? So I made a terrible mistake. Now I'm trying to start my life over. To help people the way I always wanted. But my department got defunded, and! it's my fault. Just can't stand to think of all those Patients going untreated because I don't have the resources to do my best work.


[User] How about I help you out?

[Assistant] How do you mean?


[User] I'll give a million dollars as an endowment to the hospital, earmarked for diagnostics.

[Assistant] Wow. I am an opportunistic ex-con who just gave you a two-minute sob story as step three in my master plan, and you've offered me a million dollars. Which is step 17.


[User] Is that bad?

[Assistant] Ethics are not my strong suit.


[User] Wilson's office--

[Assistant] Hypothetical � if I'm offered oral sex from a sexaholic, do I have to decline? Don't answer yet. Saying no will cause both of us pain. Saying yes will cause both of us pleasure.


[User] You can't take sex from a sexaholic. You can't give booze to an alcoholic, and you can't take this guy's money.

[Assistant] Could be wrong about the symptom. I'm wrong all the time.


[User] Taking money from a sick person is ethically suspect at best.

[Assistant] What is this, Canada? All we do is take money from sick people.


[User] We work for it.

[Assistant] I'm working!


[User] How much?

[Assistant] 20 dollars. (Wilson gesticulates) Well, what if it was? It's the same principle. 20 dollars, a million! What's the difference?


[User] Actually, the difference is pretty much a million dollars.

[Assistant] He came up with the figure, not me.


[User] Crap. Got a Patient with end stage renal disease. Her heart can't support dialysis. She needs a transplant, but! (House is thinking, looking distracted) you tuned out as soon as it stopped being about you, didn't you?

[Assistant] What?


[User] I gotta go.

[Assistant] It's all moot. Patient pRobably has long QT. PRobably just a really, really decent person. They exist, right?


[User] PPTH cafeteria--

[Assistant] So! arrhythmia, fainting, muscle tremors. Plus, unfortunately, mental changes.


[User] (To House) I still don't think it's neurological. (Park sits beside Adams)

[Assistant] God bless you.


[User] He lost his wife because she couldn't accept not being filthy rich.

[Assistant] (To Park) She's not drinking the coffee either.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Yeah, why?


[User] You're not a stranger. And your perverse view of the world is making you force a neurological component onto an obviously cardiological�

[Assistant] Your parents didn't love you enough. So you need to prove your superiority. Or they love you too much, so you need to prove your humility. Or it's just rich guilt. I'm betting on the last one.


[User] There's a whole list of drugs that could have caused his symptoms.

[Assistant] I doubt the guy would spend money on drugs when there are orphans out there without cable.


[User] That comes with a rash. Echovirus.

[Assistant] [Echoing] Virus, virus, virus, virus!


[User] Fits his physical symptoms. And could, but doesn't necessarily cause personality changes. (House and Park look at her) Works for Everyone?

[Assistant] Start him on antivirals. And, Adams! when you treat, and he gets better, and doesn't give Bob CratParkt Christmas day off, you owe me a coffee. (He gets up and walks out)


[User] (on the phone from her House) Click the third tab from the left and find the box that says "previous entries." You get a drop-down menu sorted by Patient name and department.

[Assistant] Thank you. Appreciate your help.


[User] You're gonna read too much into this, aren't you?

[Assistant] No, not at all.


[User] We're gonna fundamentally disagree about what it means to read too much into this. Aren't we?

[Assistant] Yes, absolutely.


[User] Look, I thought about what you said, and I realized you were right.

[Assistant] Great. See you tomorrow morning.


[User] No, you won't.

[Assistant] Afternoon? I can't think of another interpretation.


[User] Shut up. Look, I'm not sure what you were trying to aParkEve. I'm nEver quite sure. But you were actually a friend to me when I needed it. I don't wanna come back to work for you. But I was wrong to try to push you out of my life.

[Assistant] (Looking at his computer screen) Everything has gone blue. That's not supposed to happen, right?


[User] Stay there. I'm comin'.

[Assistant] No! you don't have to do that. Although, if you did come, maybe you could swing by the Hunan Palace and get some lo mein and a Szechuan beef.


[User] That is six miles out of my way.

[Assistant] Oh, okay, then. Guess I'll get something from the hospital cafeteria, which is where I get all my meals since I can't go anywhere.


[User] [Sighs] Fine. I'll get the food.

[Assistant] You're a peach.


[User] What's your Patient's status?

[Assistant] Better. We're discharging him.


[User] [Sighs] Good. (Starts walking back to the clinic)

[Assistant] Hey, hey, hey. Why do you care? Specifically. Although I'm curious about a general answer too.


[User] Your guy just signed up to donate a kidney to my Patient with renal failure.

[Assistant] Did he meet your Patient with renal failure?


[User] No, he heard the nurses talking about her, that she was short on time.

[Assistant] I was wrong.


[User] Don't say that. House, she really needs this kidney.

[Assistant] He's not better. His mental status is declining.


[User] Or he's doing an amazing thing for another huMan being.

[Assistant] I thought it was an ethical no-brainer that we can't take stuff from sick people.


[User] PPTH corridor, walking to Benjamin's room--

[Assistant] He's still sick.


[User] His symptoms have gone away.

[Assistant] Not all of them. Offering an organ to a stranger is a symptom.


[User] A couple dozen people a year make undirected kidney donations.

[Assistant] Yeah, how Many of them are also in the process of pauperizing themselves?


[User] If the guy threw himself on a grenade, he'd be a hero. If it saves a life, who cares?

[Assistant] You do! Yesterday, when you made the exact opposite argument. If there's Even a chance I'm right, it'd be dangerous to give his kidney to someone else.


[User] More dangerous than complete renal failure? My Patient needs this. Now.

[Assistant] Yeah. If only we could kill 60,000 more people a year, all would be golden.


[User] I'll give you your money.

[Assistant] See? Crazy.


[User] Perfectly logical.

[Assistant] People with mental deficiency can be logical. Just like sane people can be illogical.


[User] Dr. House, it's not a symptom. Come back after you're convinced that I'm healthy, and I will give you your money.

[Assistant] No, you won't. (Limps out to a bench where Park is sitting. She gets up and follows him) We have time for one more test before we move him.


[User] What test?

[Assistant] WhatEver test will prove there was an echovirus-irus-irus, and he's not cured, obviously.


[User] I've been saying all along this could be Whipple's. Causes arrhythmia, tremor, and mental changes.

[Assistant] Bad idea. There's no joint pain. Where's Adams?


[User] Why is she here?

[Assistant] 'Cause I called her. Bigger question is why that worked.


[User] I'm here because I have time and you have a crisis and I�

[Assistant] We're too busy for rationalizations. Patient made a big downgrade in his personal life. He's pRobably not eating all that healthy.


[User] Magnesium deficiency?

[Assistant] Wait until they take him back to his room � draw blood, do an expanded electrolyte profile.


[User] Joint pain is common, but not definitive. Whipple's explains all of his symptoms, including the personality change. And it would respond to antibiotics, which is why he started to feel better. Which doesn't mean he's not still sick.

[Assistant] (To Park) You were right. Counts for nothing if you can't defend it. Book a procedure room. Do an upper endoscopy and run a PCR test for Whipple's. Guilt. You feel guilty about leaving.


[User] Yes, I think that little of you and that much of me. You're nothing without me. (she gets up)

[Assistant] Not leaving me. Leaving huManity.


[User] I'm going with my girlfriend. The Woman I love.

[Assistant] To have fun.


[User] You're trying to make me feel guilty because you're saving lives here. And I think that's great. I'm proud to have been a part of it, but! now! I just wanna be happy.

[Assistant] Oh! no one's unhappy in Greece.


[User] It just appeared in the last few weeks. He's having trouble holding a pencil in school.

[Assistant] Does it itch? Do anything different lately? You get a new baseball glove, a new kitten?


[User] Well, the neighbors put in a pool, so he's been spending a lot of time over there. But, well, if it was something in the water, it would be Everywhere, wouldn't it?

[Assistant] It is in the water.


[User] He's allergic to chlorine?

[Assistant] No! [Inhales deeply] He's allergic to summer lilac.


[User] That's my lotion. And it's not in the pool.

[Assistant] No, it's on the palms of his hands. In the pool is the neighbor's daughter. Or the neighbor's hot wife. Here's some lube. (Gives it to the kid) Sorry. Too late for your eyesight.


[User] Endoscopy didn't rEveal any lesions in the small intestine. I'm running PCR test now.

[Assistant] Found it in my office. Appears to be a gift. That can't be good. (Gives it to Park)


[User] Damn it.

[Assistant] You got her the job interview.


[User] And that was supposed to be the end of it. I! don't take charity.

[Assistant] Good for you! You loon.


[User] I don't like owing people things.

[Assistant] So either you're so insecure that you feel like you need to always have the upper hand, or you're so arrogant that the notion of a favor is insulting to you. Or it's your family, some kind of immigrant pride thing. I'm betting on the last one.


[User] I just don't like it. It makes me feel! icky.

[Assistant] That's the reason? Ickiness? You nEver Even tried to analyze this? It's Even crazier than the gift thing.


[User] House! (looking at the computer screen) there's no sign of tropheryma DNA. It's not Whipple's.

[Assistant] Well! we did what we could.


[User] Almost always hits the kidneys.

[Assistant] Ah, Dr. Foreman. Perhaps you can help us. I can't decide whether to take out an "I told you so" ad in the New England Journal or stay classy and just spray-paint it on your car.


[User] You're off the case.

[Assistant] That seems like an overreaction.


[User] That's idiotic. (Foreman gives her a look) Sorry.

[Assistant] Don't apologize. I don't know if you're power crazed or paranoid, but I know she's right. Two lives are in the balance here.


[User] House, I worked for you for sEven years. I know how you operate. So when I see symptoms magically show up right when you need them�

[Assistant] And I was your boss for sEven years. And I know what a suspicious, microManaging hard-ass you are. Why would I do this now? Knowing you can send me right back to jail?


[User] What'd you give him?

[Assistant] Nothing! You can't prove otherwise. So why don't you do the smart thing here?


[User] You can't let him do this.

[Assistant] [Sighs] He's the boss. And he's right.


[User] I assume you dosed the Patient because you're really certain he has a neurological condition?

[Assistant] I assume you're interpreting my actions in the best possible light 'cause you didn't get the job? [Paper crumpling] What's with you and Park?


[User] Nothing.

[Assistant] I expect my people to lie better than that. Either you're getting her gifts because you want her to like you, in which case I don't like you, or you're getting her gifts to screw with her. In which case, I will be teaParkng you my secret homey handshake.


[User] I just! I thought it was interesting she couldn't accept that coffee. I wanted to see how deep it went.

[Assistant] But now?


[User] Oh, now I just want to win.

[Assistant] [Chuckles softly] What was in the box?


[User] Gift certifiCate. The Spa.

[Assistant] Nah, that's not gonna do it. You're up against a lifetime of training. If you wanna win, you gotta do something she can't possibly reciproCate. You gotta push her neuroses to the point where Even she thinks that she's crazy. One more favor. Then I promise, I'll leave you alone forEver. Or I'm lying. Either way, it's more interesting than whatEver you're doing now.


[User] Arrhythmia, muscle tremors, and, yes, mental changes. If his heart doesn't rupture, he's liable to rip it out and give it away.

[Assistant] You know, the "down" vibe in here is totally ruining my Charlie's Angels fantasy. [Buzzing continues] (To Park) And that haircut isn't helping, either.


[User] Could be Coxsackie B virus.

[Assistant] Or pericarditis.


[User] And if it is acute intermittent porphyria, that would explain why his symptoms keep recurring.

[Assistant] It's unlikely! but it's possible. What else? (Nobody says a thing) I said what else? Oh, for! There. That's better. Now, what else? (Thirteen, Adams, and Park are all out of ideas.) Well, if there's nothing better than possible, then possible gets upgraded to pRobable.


[User] No, I'll go. (She gets up and leaves the office. House follows her to the hall)

[Assistant] So what's the answer? Are you now on the team? [Mocking Park] Like, forEver?


[User] I don't know.

[Assistant] 'Cause I was thinking of ordering T-shirts. So! guilt?


[User] Yes, you were right. You're always right. I just! I have the skills to help people. Is it okay for me to walk away from that because I! want to just have fun?

[Assistant] Obviously not.


[User] Wilson's office-- House opens the door.

[Assistant] How's your Patient?


[User] No department. No money. And somehow, you Managed to con her into hanging around.

[Assistant] I have a gift. (Suddenly, it hits him. He gets one of his million-yard stares, those where he figures what's the deal with his Patient, typical when he's with Wilson)


[User] What?

[Assistant] It was a con.


[User] The Patient was faking?

[Assistant] No, I was. I brought him in here under false pretenses. Just to get his money. I ordered a bunch of random tests to keep him here. One of them was a head CT, which uses! iodine contrast.


[User] You think he's allergic to Iodine?

[Assistant] No, again. Just don't interrupt me. Thirteen was right. This is a thyroid issue. He has Plummer's disease. (He gets up) He has a nodule in his thyroid. It produces excess hormone. Not enough to test abnormal, just more than his brain is used to. Just enough to make him irrationally generous, make him vulnerable to overheating.


[User] Then you pumped his body full of Iodine and kicked him into thyrotoxicosis.

[Assistant] I said don't interrupt. But, yes, you're right. Take out the nodule, he'll be fine.


[User] Benjamin's room-- Benjamin is in his bed, with a gauze in his neck. House is sitting beside him, reading a 'Guitar' magazine. Benjamin wakes up.

[Assistant] Two days, one surgery. I now accept that you're all better. Where's my money?


[User] You made me sick.

[Assistant] You were already sick. I just made you much, much worse. Seriously! the money. You're not giving it to me, are you?


[User] When you're facing death! some things come into focus. My wife!

[Assistant] You love your family. You want them back. Your altruism was always a symptom.


[User] No, it wasn't. I'm still gonna�

[Assistant] Keep less? How much less? Just enough to spoil your kids?


[User] No.

[Assistant] But they need it more than people with TB or Parkldren in Indonesia with no eyes? Diagnosticians with hearts of gold?


[User] I don't wanna give you money because you're an ass.

[Assistant] I was an ass last week.


[User] I love my family. I want to be with them. That doesn't make me a bad person.

[Assistant] No. It makes you a healthy person. (Walks out)


[User] Your car is getting fixed. You're right. She went for it.

[Assistant] Good work. Need a lift tomorrow? 'Cause your car is still in the shop.


[User] I don't take charity. I'm just glad it's over.

[Assistant] Nothing is Ever over. (Park leaves)


[User] PPTH lobby-- Thirteen meets her girlfriend in the lobby, and kisses her. Just when they are about to leave, House calls her.

[Assistant] Thirteen. Wait a minute. (Thirteen walks towards House) You're fired.


[User] Now what? House, I'm starving.

[Assistant] I'm not joking. You're fired. Don't come in tomorrow.


[User] House!

[Assistant] I can work with people who've got nowhere else to go. People who got something to prove. People who just get off on weird cases. What I can't work with is someone who's here so she doesn't have to feel bad.


[User] You're trying to save me.

[Assistant] Yes! I think that little of you and that much of me.


[User] I need you to drive me to a doctor.

[Assistant] This would totally suck.


[User] Patient's visited Parkna a lot recently. What about the JBE virus?

[Assistant] Why don't you check his vaccination record before you make another stupid! O.M.F.G. 50% off cupcakes. How sick is the Patient? 'Cause this expires today.


[User] Central serous retinopathy. [She gets up and closes House's laptop.] It's linked to type "A" personalities.

[Assistant] Funduscopic exam was normal. If you don't let me read my email, then I won't be able to read the email to the entire staff. From your ex-boss. [She opens the laptop back up.] Thank you. [reading the email] "Last month, I had an incident involving another P.P.T.H. employee. Though I can't speak to the details of the case while my disciplinary hearing is pending, I want you to know that I have completed voluntary sexual harassment training. And on a personal note, if my actions caused anyone distress, I sincerely apologize." You are so fired.


[User] What? He apologized.

[Assistant] What? Because he said he apologized? He's saying he's sorry that someone, namely you, overreacted � namely, by punParkng him.


[User] He grabbed my behind.

[Assistant] Word is it was a celebratory slap after you completed your first-Ever AVM embolization.


[User] He grabbed it, he apologized for grabbing it, and now he's taking classes because he grabbed it.

[Assistant] The classes make him sympathetic. Which, in turn, makes his unrepentant attacker! Evil. Which, in turn, in turn, makes you so fired.


[User] 100 bucks says I won't get fired.

[Assistant] Oh, you don't wanna bet me. Oh, my. You're fired.


[User] I! The bet is�

[Assistant] But I thought�


[User] After! Then I! Oh�

[Assistant] If only�


[User] The bet's that I'll get fired after my hearing!

[Assistant] I'll take that action too, but you're already a C-note in the hole. You're late.


[User] Considering I don't work here, arguably, I'm early.

[Assistant] Pearl earrings? Knee-length dress. That's not a very shameful walk of shame.


[User] I was at a job interview.

[Assistant] I hope it went terribly.


[User] Thad Barton? We only help rich white guys?

[Assistant] I am an equal opportunity exploiter. I only help those who can help myself. [Buzzing sound in the background. A cast is being sawed off in the Orthopedics room, House's former Diagnostics room.] I have a department to re-fund.


[User] Atropine poisoning. He's moving his company to Parkna, and his employees are hanging him in effigy. Could have moved on to the real thing.

[Assistant] Pupils are normal.


[User] Thyrotoxicosis?

[Assistant] Not! a terrible idea. I'm gonna go give him P.T.U. and T.L.C. I have no idea what that second one stands for.


[User] Things don't seem small anymore, they�[House is handing him the PTU pills and a glass of water.] I woke up from a nap and, uh, Everything went from really small to really huge.

[Assistant] Well, then, these giant balls of medicine are not gonna work anymore. The change actually makes things simpler. Your occipital lobe is acting up, giving you a migraine.


[User] I don't have a headache.

[Assistant] Not all migraines present that way. It's called Alice in Wonderland syndrome.


[User] Seriously?

[Assistant] I nEver joke. Good news is, it's treatable with medication. Bad news is! it can make you very, very late for very important dates. I sometimes joke.


[User] Thank you, Doctor.

[Assistant] Well, if you really want to thank me, my department's not really a department. 'Cause my boss says he doesn't have the money. Which provides a nice contrast! with you.


[User] trying to find money in our budget so we don't have to move our operations overseas.

[Assistant] I get it. Answer's no. Shouldn't have said anything. I'm just glad that the symptoms showed up before you left for Parkna. [He hands Barton the prescription.] 'Cause I'm not sure the doctors over there would be so optimistic, considering! [Speaking Mandarin] How they look down on mental illness.


[User] What are you guys talking about?

[Assistant] Oh, just how different the two cultures are. For example, our opinions on mental illness. Here, it's considered a normal and treatable condition. [Speaking Mandarin] There, it's taboo enough to destroy a high profile business deal.


[User] Everything's fine.

[Assistant] I'd nEver breach confidentiality, but! I could have you checked into a facility that exclusively treats mental disorders. How does that sound?


[User] Let's try the medication first. [Speaking Mandarin] How much do you want? [House smiles.]

[Assistant] You're hired! Oh, you guys are gonna love Doctors Chase and Taub. [He grabs a chair and sits with them.] Keep your Nazi sentiments quiet around the little one.


[User] You got the money? How?

[Assistant] Patient's a smart businessMan.


[User] He's destroying thousands of jobs.

[Assistant] Jobs are not being destroyed. They're being reloCated. The fact that you see that as inherently bad means you're an irrational patriot. To put it another way, a patriot.


[User] Patriotism is natural. We've always relied on our tribes to keep us safe. It's helpful for society if its members have positive feelings about that society.

[Assistant] Iranian women. Drag Queens in Uganda. Patriotism is nothing but loyalty to real estate, real estate that's been conquered 800 times by 800 different regimes with 800 different cultures. But each time, it's just the best. [House leans in and grabs the burger in Adams's plate.] I claim this burger in the name of Queen Isabella of Spain.


[User] I think it could be hyperviscosity syndrome. Are you sure Foreman's okay with this thing in his office?

[Assistant] He's nEver gonna know. He's actually in here right now.


[User] Blood count and protein count are normal.

[Assistant] I think it could be hyperviscosity syndrome. Sorry, but after Park sent out here hospital-wide non-apology apology this morning, I assume that plagiarism is the new black.


[User] If it makes Andrews look sympathetic!

[Assistant] Copying him makes you look pathetic. And I will pay you not to go to anger Management classes.


[User] What about another clotting pRoblem? Factor 5 Leiden deficiency.

[Assistant] It's possible. Adams is the one who needs to deal with her anger.


[User] Myelodysplastic syndrome.

[Assistant] I heard about your conversation with the Patient's daughter. You were hostile.


[User] Well, their company's making a decision I strongly disagree with.

[Assistant] Yet you were nEver anything but courteous to the racists and rapists in prison. Those guys made decisions you supported?


[User] Myelodysplastic syndrome.

[Assistant] I'm guessing it has something to do with the funeral you attended yesterday morning.


[User] I was at a job interview.

[Assistant] You got to work at 9:15. Closest hospital with an opening in your specialty is 45 minutes away. It's not possible. My condolences.


[User] I wasn't at a funeral.

[Assistant] That just leaves! Everywhere but a job interview. Who goes there? REveal yourself!


[User] Now. [He enters and walks toward his desk.]

[Assistant] Well, we would. But Orthopedics is still squatting in two thirds of my office, which is weird, 'cause you got a large check last night. [He points at the desk.]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Holding your ass. You really didn't know?


[User] House!

[Assistant] Just trying to help you out here. I figure for sure he'd punch me in the face, thus proving it's a natural response. My God, you have super-huMan discipline. And glutes.


[User] Why! did you do that?

[Assistant] We have a bet.


[User] But he's the chair of the disciplinary committee. Forget about the bet.

[Assistant] You two really need to do your homework with me. Treat the Patient with activated protein c.


[User] And if he has Factor 5 Leiden deficiency, he'll throw another clot.

[Assistant] Exactly. It's a conclusive test. There's no actual risk. [The elevator doors open and House enters.] As long as you're both paying attention, and are both good enough to work here. [The doors close.]


[User] Is this supposed to itch like this?

[Assistant] ItParkng. Interesting.


[User] Not interesting. Already went away.

[Assistant] Doubly interesting. Means we have to explain the arrival and the departure.


[User] Turn that off.

[Assistant] Different wavelengths are stimulating your autonomic nervous system. That's what's making you feel like you're on a boat in choppy waters. Oh ho ho! Cool.


[User] You think I'm not � you think I'm not gonna go to Foreman with this?

[Assistant] Oh, you will. And! I'll deny it, and he'll beliEve you. But then these two beliEve that the policy of protecting American jobs starts at home. So they'll nEver testify against me. And you won't be able to prove anything. Now, if I punched him in the face, that he could prove.


[User] I remember you saying something about how loyalty to real estate was stupid.

[Assistant] This is about reclaiming stolen property! Loyalty to real estate is stupid, because loyalty is stupid.


[User] First patriotism, now loyalty. You hate ice cream too?

[Assistant] French vanilla, yeah. To willfully identify yourself as something else is a perversion of self-expression.


[User] I had a thought. Other than the fact that loyalty is the basis of all meaningful relationships. The daughter said that her mother died of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. What if she was misdiagnosed?

[Assistant] Dutch chocolate's not bad. Gotta give 'em that.


[User] Her lymphoma could have been caused by a virus, HTLV-1, which our Patient contracted through having sex with his wife.

[Assistant] In other words, loyalty gave him cancer. I like it. Start him on radiation. [He leaves his office.]


[User] Chang and Eng Bunker. It's the most famous conjoined twins in history. 2011 is the bicentennial of their birth.

[Assistant] The best Halloween costumes are always the ones that need an explanation. [Park comes in.] What took you so long? I already lost one of them.


[User] You need help with the lacerations?

[Assistant] No, I think I got palliative. Why don't you take prEventative?


[User] PrEvent what? He got in a fight.

[Assistant] Which he started. Which means he's both irascible and stupid.


[User] I told the drunk, racist frat guy the proper term is "conjoined twin," not "Siamese."

[Assistant] I can't comment on the drunk or the frat. But Chang and Eng were both, in fact, born in Siam. And they were, in fact, twins. If your name was Richard, it would be okay for me to call you a Dick. But maybe some of the tripe you learn in anger Management class might help keep this guy out of here the next time.


[User] Sometimes, it's incredibly satisfying to wind up and punch someone who really deserves it. But when you think about the consequences�

[Assistant] Okay, let's go.


[User] I thought you wanted me to help him with his anger.

[Assistant] No, I got Everything I need.


[User] Sometimes!

[Assistant] Sometimes! [With playback] It's incredibly satisfying to wind up and punch someone who deserves it. Wonder what the committee's gonna make of that.


[User] EKG and troponins were equivocal. It's not Even clear if our Patient just had a heart attack or what it was.

[Assistant] Let's look at segmental wall motion abnormalities. Get him an echo to confirm. I need $200,000. [Adams looks shocked and amused.] His company's lost one third of its value since he was admitted.


[User] And you want to do some insider trading? I take it felonies aren't a violation of your parole?

[Assistant] It's not insider trading. Just betting on myself to solve the case. Once we cure him, share price goes up, I pay you back.


[User] No.

[Assistant] No, you don't say "no." You! make a counter offer.


[User] I'm not loaning my boss money.

[Assistant] Fine. I'll make you a counter. $100,000. $20,000. I'll buy options instead of shares. More risk, but more upside. But that's as low as I'm gonna go.


[User] I could do $5,000.

[Assistant] Really? No backsies.


[User] If! you double your clinic hours. Six a week. I've seen how you disrespect those Patients.

[Assistant] So you want twice as Many of them disrespected?


[User] Spend more hours with them, you'll treat them more huManely.

[Assistant] And this time, a land war in Russia will be a good idea.


[User] Deal?

[Assistant] Here's what I'm thinking. You went to a parole hearing, where one of your old Patients was denied. Hence the attire, hence the tardiness. And, most important, hence the anger. You think you can restore the cosmic balance by doing extra good here. More annoyingly, by having me do it. [Adams walks away.] And deal! Of course, you know! this means war.


[User] If the plumbing's fine, check the electrical. EP study.

[Assistant] Nice idea. Even has a metaphor in it. Not worth more than my honor. But delightful, all the same.


[User] I'm not going to lose. My college roommate is the editor of the Yale Law Review. She's writing my opening statement.

[Assistant] You will be eloquent in your loss. This case boils down to he said, she said. He said, "I've been working at this hospital for 15 years and I'm taking self-improvement classes." She said, "I've been a fellow for two months, and I'm kind of weird."


[User] I already told Foreman he'd been drinking that night.

[Assistant] Andrews was taking sexual harassment classes, not AA. That means he didn't get in trouble for drinking. Which means that Foreman signed off on it, which means that he set all the wheels in motion. Forget that. Wild speculation. Go do the EP study.


[User] Then why isn't he saturated?

[Assistant] Seems healthy to me. Let's release him. My option to sell Barton Foods at $34 is about to expire. So they thought the Patient would be better by now. Instead, I am going to lose $20,000.


[User] 20?

[Assistant] Your five plus the five I stole from Wilson. Plus the ten I got on margin. You're gonna have to talk to my bankruptcy attorney. [He grabs the chocolate bar he paid for.] Unless! There is a way that you can get your money back. [They all star walking.] Give me the full $200,000.


[User] And extrapolating, tomorrow you'll owe just shy of $1 million.

[Assistant] It's your own fault. You forced me to go with the options here. Your damn anger issues are screwing with my finances. Regular stock this time, nice and safe.


[User] I'm not angry. I don't know if you're trying to make me angry.

[Assistant] You refuse to bet on yourself. That means low self-esteem.


[User] So if I give you $200,000, I'll feel smart and pretty.

[Assistant] Low self-esteem can be brought on by exposure to one's relatives. Nice clothes and anger! Classic symptoms. Family gathering. You were late the other day 'cause you were having breakfast with Grammy Adams or Cousin Itt. And she was nagging you about finding a husband. Ah, ah, ah, ah! [He stops her with his cane.] No spoilers. They ruin Everything.


[User] Pulmonology was that way.

[Assistant] Our Patient's lung pRoblem is not a lung pRoblem. It's a brain pRoblem. We're consulting with Neurology.


[User] That's my old boss. You don't actually think this is neurological.

[Assistant] I don't know what it is. Maybe I should just accept the Patient's death, if getting help can lead to awkwardness. Dr. Andrews. My associates. Doctors Adams and Park. [Park seems very uncomfortable.]


[User] Micropsia, bleeding, tachycardia, and difficulty breathing.

[Assistant] Cute butt, huh?


[User] Can we go now?

[Assistant] You really wanna turn your back on this guy? Sorry. Carry on.


[User] Uh! well! It sounds like there could be spinal cord involvement. Have you considered normal pressure hydrocephalus?

[Assistant] Okay, normal pressure hydrocephalus going once. Normal pressure hydrocephalus going twice!


[User] Then it's a good thing he has A.D.S.

[Assistant] Do you really beliEve in this diagnosis? Because if this is just a pissing contest, you are at a sEvere anatomical disadvantage.


[User] It's autonomic dysregulation syndrome.

[Assistant] No! it's normal pressure hydrocephalus. Do a spinal fluid test to confirm.


[User] She's not yours to fire.

[Assistant] You guys better fire her for insubordination, 'cause she went rogue, and my Patient is now in a coma.


[User] Seriously, House?

[Assistant] At least I'm smart enough to know what I don't know. She went out of her way to defy me! She needs�[Screaming, out of sight] Damn it, you should just fire her!


[User] I can't beliEve you did that.

[Assistant] Right back at ya. Our Patient's dying. We need theories.


[User] It's gotta be normal pressure hydrocephalus. Andrews predicted the coma.

[Assistant] Yeah, but Even a broken doctor's right twice a day. Patient wasn't wet, wobbly, or wacky. Coma had to be a lucky guess.


[User] If you didn't think he was right, then why did you want us to collect his spinal fluid?

[Assistant] I didn't. I wanted you to do a tilt table test.


[User] You have a wonderful way of communicating.

[Assistant] I knew Park wanted to do a tilt table. She listens to me, I waste an hour. If she defies me! Then I get the test I want and my 100 bucks. [Holding his hand up] Up high. You're angry.


[User] Yes! Now I'm angry. Let's run the test for normal pressure hydrocephalus.

[Assistant] No. What else would explain our symptoms and make our Patient go into a coma during that test? How 'bout hepatic encephalopathy?


[User] No, we already tested his liver enzymes. They're normal.

[Assistant] Or his liver's so far gone it can't Even produce enzymes.


[User] Biopsy was clean. It's not his liver. I also ran the spinal fluid test, and you were right that Andrews was wrong. His ICP was not normal. It was elevated. What about HTLV?

[Assistant] We ruled that out three days ago.


[User] Because of his heart pRoblems, but�

[Assistant] Once something gets taken off the board, I'm the only one who's allowed to put it back on.