[User] Because the world revolves around you. I devote time to anyone else, you'd end up stalking me and harassing them.

[Assistant] You say that as though it wouldn't be fun.


[User] We know it's not systemic sclerosis.

[Assistant] (to Taub) Hey, Cyrano de Berkowitz. Let it go.


[User] The CBC showed normal white blood cells.

[Assistant] (to Taub) So how long have you been playing racquetball with Wilson?


[User] So he's a late bloomer. His daughter has a neurological condition.

[Assistant] (swinging his cane like a tennis racket) First of all, Wilson played tennis on his college team, and you are a Jew. You're not athletic. Run to the end of the hall and back. I'll time you.


[User] Sandy Koufax is Jewish. Greatest left-handed pitcher of all time.

[Assistant] Sandy Koufax is all you Jews go on about. Sandy Koufax, and the Holocaust. (he sits down) Gets old.


[User] There are dozens of congenital conditions that fit our parameters. We can't spend time gene testing for all of 'em, especially when we're only guessing it's congenital.

[Assistant] (to Taub) Is a z-shot offensive or defensive?


[User] It's both.

[Assistant] You suspected that was a trick question.


[User] But I could have said neither. Diabetes makes more sense.

[Assistant] We can narrow the testing down to 40 likely candidates. Test for peripheral nerve damage.


[User] He's got brain damage. He's likely to have peripheral nerve damage no matter what the cause.

[Assistant] Yes, that's why we should not test him for it. Test the daughter. Kutner runs the nerve test. Taub, you may be right about the diabetes. Take supper away from our Patient and run a glucose tolerance test. Oh, and the nurses have been working so hard. You can do the blood draws yourself.


[User] They have to be done Every couple hours. You're punishing me because you're jealous that I'm spending time with your best friend.

[Assistant] That would be petty. I'm punishing you because now you've joined my best friend in lying to me. Let me know when you're ready to confess Everything. (The team leaves)


[User] Why'd you page me here?

[Assistant] (still tossing the ball) I need you to update me on the Patient's condition.


[User] Seems to be dead. Why'd you page me here?

[Assistant] I need you to update me on the Patient's condition (he sits up and holds up the ball) while hitting this against the wall. (House tosses the ball to Taub who catches it) This is the only place we can do both.


[User] I finished the last blood draw.

[Assistant] I expect the people who work for me to rise to a challenge. Unless they don't expect to work for me.


[User] Last blood draw was at 6:00 AM. Sugar lEvels nEver rose above 120 all night. (Taub misses and has to Chase down the ball and start again)

[Assistant] So the glucose was normal. Means you were wrong about diabetes.


[User] (hitting the ball again) I still think it's the endocrine system. Maybe I just got the wrong gland.

[Assistant] So you're going for thyroid instead of pancreas? Makes sense.


[User] Fine. I'm not playing racquetball with Wilson. I was nEver playing racquetball with Wilson. (pause) I thought it would be helpful if a Department Head owed me a favor. But it's not worth this.

[Assistant] (nods) Not bad. You put on a good show. You studied up. Wilson actually booked a court. If you were really a racquetball player, you'd know that you were holding a squash racket. (pause) Tell Kutner to do a thyroid reuptake scan, I'll go grab a nap in one of the on-call rooms. (He gets up and heads out the door)


[User] What kind of infection? It could be anything; Staph aureus, tuberculosis, strongyloides!

[Assistant] Go back to Phineas, get a history.


[User] We've got a history. He hasn't been out of the country.

[Assistant] Get a detailed history.


[User] No one at home is sick. No one at work is sick. There's no sign of ticks or mosquitoes.

[Assistant] Get a more detailed history. Ask him again. And again until he remembers something. (Taub starts to leave) (to Taub) Not you. Kutner can do it. You're gonna be busy with something else. (Kutner leaves)


[User] Guy leads a boring life. They stay home a lot. No travel, no exotic pets, no nearby standing water.

[Assistant] You sound pleased about something. Can we get to that part?


[User] His wife rescues dogs. Among others, a big rottweiler who's taken over the House. Our Patient hates it.

[Assistant] Was the wife there to hear this?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Too bad. Keep going.


[User] The dog marks his territory all over the living room. I asked what the odds were that he would have put down food or drink where the dog could reach. He said he put a glass of juice on the floor while he was fixing the television.

[Assistant] The dog was fixing the television?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] The Patient's eyes red?


[User] Yeah. I'm thinking Weil's.

[Assistant] Bacterial. He lucked out. Start him on doxycycline. If he improves, we'll know we were right.


[User] I told Wilson you sent me to get information.

[Assistant] And now you're telling me. What does that make you, a quadruple agent? (They walk into House's office)


[User] He let me print out his e-mails.

[Assistant] Wow. Excellent. Information he wants us to have. Did he let you print out his deleted e-mails?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Then go back there �


[User] As long as I was sitting there, I thought I'd print 'em anyway. (He hands a stack paper to House) Top one's the one you're looking for.

[Assistant] (reading the email) Writing to confirm Wednesday at 7:00 PM.


[User] It's out going to jgonzalez@nymercy.net. There's a Joan Gonzalez in oncology. It's a consult.

[Assistant] Secret consult, 7:00 PM. (He finds a picture of Joan Gonzalez online) Oh, Joan is perky.


[User] You're wrong. There was a Patient file attached.

[Assistant] Where? (He holds out his hand for the file)


[User] It was password-protected.

[Assistant] No. Wilson doesn't password-protect his Patient files. I'm the only one he'd expect Ever to look there, and he knows there's only one Patient I'd want to check on.


[User] You think Wilson's sick?

[Assistant] (typing again) If Wilson had cancer, there'd be no reason for him to drive three hours to Manhattan. He could pull strings here and get the best treatment. (He pulls up a list of articles on his computer screen) Six articles by Gonzalez. "Managing suicidal thoughts in oncology Patients," "Suicidal ideation in Parkldren with leukemia."


[User] I don't want to ask this, but, have you Ever had reason to think he might be depressed?

[Assistant] (turning to look at Taub and speaking very curtly) No. Get out of here. (Taub leaves, House looks worried)


[User] Get the hell out of my room. (Kutner and Foreman leave)

[Assistant] (getting up and approaParkng Wilson) Your assistant said that you were out of the hospital, taking a walk.


[User] Is there an emergency?

[Assistant] I don't know. Is there? You nEver take a walk unless you've got something you need to think about.


[User] (reading his messages) Maybe you just don't have a good statistical sampling of my walks.

[Assistant] The other thing you do when you need to think is you come to my office. (Wilson turns away from House) Apparently, this is something you can only discuss with Gonzalez at New York Mercy. (Wilson pauses and turns to face House)


[User] Taub. another graduate of the House school of being a dick.

[Assistant] Private dick.


[User] Look, I'd love to stay for the full inquisition, but I need some hot coffee.

[Assistant] Of course you need hot coffee. It's 45 degrees outside, and you left your coat upstairs. Why?


[User] (getting his coffee) You're going to tell me why I forgot my coat?

[Assistant] Once you get outside, the cold would have reminded you. You could have come back, but you didn't. You chose to be uncomfortable. Now, why would someone choose that? Because they hate themselves?


[User] (House walks in and Nick approaches him) Nick Greenwald. I hear you're the guy in charge. I'm the Patient with the disinhibition.

[Assistant] If you're here to say thanks, you're welcome. Now go away.


[User] Oh, I'm not thankful. I'm pissed.

[Assistant] Oh, all the more reason to go away.


[User] They're talking about sending me home. To what? A life where I'll continually drive away anyone who might for a second care about me?

[Assistant] Those are the breaks. (He walks over to his desk)


[User] You could operate.

[Assistant] You could die.


[User] So I'm either better or dead? I'm okay with that. (he moves to face House on the other side of his desk) I � I've always been kind of a! an imPatient guy. But I've worked hard to keep my mouth shut. I've made my wife happy. I've made my little girl happy. I want that back. Otherwise, it's no life.

[Assistant] (handing Nick's file to Chase) I want you to remove a small pRoblem.


[User] (taking the file and glancing at it) I'm not a neurosurgeon.

[Assistant] But your boss is. You could assist. I'm sure you'd like to add to your resume.


[User] It's too near the brain stem. Nobody's gonna touch it.

[Assistant] Your boss would. He's an egoManiac. I know 'cause I keep seeing him at the club. He just needs a little push. I'm sure by now you've kissed his ass sufficiently. (Chase laughs and turns to put the clothing he is holding and the file on the sink. He takes a sip from a coffee cup on the counter) Would you like me to phrase it as "you're politically gifted"? I can do that.


[User] You want me to help you? (He turns to face House) Tell me why.

[Assistant] Why what?


[User] Why you care. The puzzle's solved. The guy's alive. And the odds of coming out of this surgery with that same status aren't that great.

[Assistant] My Patient has a quality of life issue.


[User] He says awful things, hardly a medical condition.

[Assistant] (with eyes downcast, not making eye contact with Chase) When he leaves here, he's going to lose his family. He's gonna alienate the people he works with. And if he Ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky. Until he drives them away too. (He glances sideways at Chase who has realized how personal this has become for House. House is speaking as much about himself as he is about Nick)


[User] (giving a slight nod) I'll see what I can do.

[Assistant] (looking at Wilson) You've apparently got this whole coat thing backwards.


[User] I may have overreacted.

[Assistant] You definitely overreacted.


[User] I knew you'd meet me halfway.

[Assistant] It made me think. You only snap on one subject: losing people. So I went back to the intel. It's true there's only one doctor named Gonzalez at New York Mercy, but there's a Javier Gonzalez who's a nurse in the psych ward. And who could you lose who'd end up there?


[User] Maybe the reason I don't always open up to you is because it's redundant.

[Assistant] Daniel Wilson. (pause) Once you got a name, it's amazing how much stuff you can learn on the phone. I mean, if you're a doctor and you lie freely. They found your brother sleeping in the lobby of an office building in Manhattan. Got aggressive when they asked him to leave, and the cops took him to the Mercy psych ward.


[User] There have been new anti-psychotics dEveloped since he ran away. He's been on them for a couple of days, and by tonight, he should be in shape to talk to me.

[Assistant] But you're not sure if he wants to.


[User] I'll be in New York in a few hours, and I guess I'll find out.

[Assistant] Why wouldn't you tell me this?


[User] House, you and I! We don't have the normal social contract. I don't expect you to tell me the lies �

[Assistant] I am fully capable of lying to you. I've lied plenty of times.


[User] I mean, collaborative lies. Giving someone a hand who maybe needs to deceive themselves, just a little. (Wilson gets up) For two days I've been thinking about how Danny's gonna react when he sees me. If I said that to anybody else, they'd say, "don't worry, it'll all be all right." You wouldn't.

[Assistant] Because it might all go horribly wrong.


[User] (he laughs) Yeah. Yeah, it might. (He turns to leave)

[Assistant] In which case, you might want some company. (Wilson walks back toward House as if he cannot beliEve what he just heard)


[User] Feel free to send him an IM.

[Assistant] (handing Wilson his coffee and sitting down across from him) You told me you saw your brother once. After he disappeared.


[User] 13 years ago. I used to go to Princeton whenEver I could. I must have hit Every homeless shelter in town. And then one day, I'm just sitting at this deli, having a sandwich, I look out the window, and there he is. He was gone by the time I got outside.

[Assistant] That's why you were so eager when I told you there was a job at Princeton. I thought it was just my charm.


[User] That's the team. Shouldn't you answer?

[Assistant] They already texted me to say they're doing something stupid. (Wilson smiles)


[User] We'll find out. (They leave)

[Assistant] The spell-correct on Kutner's phone has got a hair trigger. Either that, or the Patient has a "cyclone in the floral of his lungs."� (He closes his phone) You took a walk in 45-degree weather, and you left your coat behind.


[User] Go ahead.

[Assistant] I think you were punishing yourself. I think you wanted to feel what it would be like be homeless in a New Jersey winter. That tells me, guilt. That tells me, something happened.


[User] The sParkzophrenia started when he was a teenager. When he was in college! He was on meds, but he'd still think a professor was out to get him because he got a B, or he'd fight with his roommates because he nEver showered.

[Assistant] Where were you?


[User] Med school. He, called me, Every day. Talked for hours. I didn't have hours.

[Assistant] Interesting. Later for that. Go on.


[User] I was tired of being the guy that Everybody counted on, so one night, Danny called � One night, Danny called, crying, upset about something. I had to study for an exam. So I � I hung up! Took my things. I went to the library so I wouldn't have to hear the phone ring.

[Assistant] I wonder how that turned out?


[User] My mother called me the next day. Danny had run away and left his meds behind. Which I knew meant that he would nEver be able to choose to come back, because he'd be so detached from reality.

[Assistant] So you made your one effort to live a normal, selfish life, and the universe immediately smacked you down. And because we're wired to find meaning in semi-random Events, you decided nEver to be that careless again.


[User] You don't think that's a little facile?

[Assistant] Actually, I don't. I think you did it consciously. You dEveloped your people-pleasing talents (House gets up and faces Wilson) the way an Olympic athlete dEvelops his muscles. Talk about an overreaction to a single Event.


[User] It was a pretty big Event.

[Assistant] Hanging up the phone? That's what you're blaming all this on. That's the behavior you've been trying to correct. As though nothing else went wrong in your brother's life. Of course, he overreacted too but! (talking more to himself than to Wilson) His glucose was normal? (the aahha moment)


[User] We're not talking about my brother anymore, are we?

[Assistant] It's House. AVMs don't explain his glucose.


[User] Since this is a significant moment in my life and all, I! (he shrugs)

[Assistant] (into the phone) Yeah.


[User] (talking to House who is not listening) I think I'll just go in then.

[Assistant] (still talking on his phone) Explain that.


[User] Right. (He picks up his coat and follows the attendant out of the waiting room. House is too focused to notice)

[Assistant] You'd given him steroids. His glucose should have been elevated. That wannabe cyst you found in the whole body scan; without the glucose, it's an irrelevant cyst. With the glucose, it's a relevant fibroma. He has Doege-Potter syndrome.


[User] It doesn't explain the organ failure or the brain damage.

[Assistant] This whole thing is an overreaction. That one small fibroma. It's benign, but his body's acting like it's an invader. His antibodies went to war against it and got carried away, attacked his other systems. Take out the fibroma, he'll be a happy hypocrite again in no time. (House puts away his phone and turns to find that Wilson is no longer there)


[User] I'm sure she's moved on. (Nick sits in a wheelchair and Audrey wheels him out of the room) Kids are so resilient.

[Assistant] You okay?


[User] I'll be seeing Danny again next week. I'd like you to meet him.

[Assistant] Sure. He sounds interesting. (knowing that Wilson has more to say) Go on.


[User] I thought seeing him again would change Everything. It would be wonderful or terrible. Instead! we're just strangers. It's kind of, anticlimactic.

[Assistant] Which is better than terrible.


[User] Go on.

[Assistant] Does it bother you that we have no social contract?


[User] (laughs) My whole life is one big compromise. I tiptoe around Everyone like they're made of Parkna. I spend all my time analyzing: What will the effect be if I say this? Then there's you. You're a reality junkie. If I offered you a comforting lie, you'd smack me over the head with it. Let's not change that.

[Assistant] Okay.


[User] No, see, this � if you were implementing the social contract, you'd say that, but only because! It makes me feel better!

[Assistant] It is kind of fun watParkng you torture yourself.


[User] Do you think things will work out with my brother?

[Assistant] No. But when it does go wrong, it won't be your fault.


[User] Thanks, House.

[Assistant] You do actually like monster trucks?


[User] You have a Patient waiting, see? [She indiCates Morgan West who is standing behind her in the exam room door.]

[Assistant] I'm waiting for a follow-up.


[User] I had colds all winter.

[Assistant] I've been in this room a while, but it's spring now, right? [He climbs off the table he was standing on.]


[User] I feel run-down like maybe something big is coming on.

[Assistant] Run-down. Come on, give me something. Sore throat?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Runny nose?


[User] No. I know it sounds weird, I'm a nurse, but could you run maybe a CBC or thyroid up �

[Assistant] [loudly] Dr. Cuddy, I need a consult. [Cuddy enters.] Until she stops seizing, I may as well go back to my office and get my diagnosis on.


[User] She's urinating on herself.

[Assistant] She's having a seizure. If she hadn't peed it would!


[User] It's green.

[Assistant] Interesting. 35-year-old Woman. Head of nursing at an old age home.


[User] "Neuro" is also written in green. Does that mean she has green neurological symptoms as well?

[Assistant] From now on I'm gonna use two colors. Green indiCates irony.


[User] Why are we taking this case?

[Assistant] Welcome, your lordship. We were just preparing your morning briefing.


[User] Sorry I'm late. And, yes, green pee does meet the only diagnostic requirement you care about! it's interesting. But is it worth us taking this case?

[Assistant] "Us" aren't taking anything. I'm taking. You're accepting.


[User] Okay, I accept. She has adult-onset epilepsy, and she really likes those Saint Patrick's Day beers.

[Assistant] [looking away] Go check out the House and the office for toxins and infections.


[User] Her neuro exam was normal. No subsequent seizures. It's not life-threatening. It's not important.

[Assistant] Luckily, neither are you.


[User] You got conned. Methylthioninium chloride. Notable side effect, green urine. She's a nurse. She knows the dosage. Knows how to fake a seizure. She pees pea soup and gets the warm attention of doctors all week long. She's a Munchausen and you're her mark.

[Assistant] So your insight is based on discovering an anti-Alzheimer's drug at an old-age home.


[User] No good reason it'd be sitting in her desk.

[Assistant] You Ever tried to pee on yourself in public? It's not easy.


[User] Sorry, I rushed the Jewish frat. We peed in private.

[Assistant] For good reason. I can spot a fake seizure. Which means this was real. Which means her pRoblem is phenol.


[User] Carbolic acid? Yeah, maybe she accidentally inhaled some at a gout treatment facility circa 1890.

[Assistant] It's still in some antiseptic throat sprays. She's been chugging it all winter for her colds. Phenol explains the seizure and the urine.


[User] She'd have to drink five bottles a day.

[Assistant] Which is why I'm sure you won't have trouble discovering evidence of it when you search her House. Bye. [Taub leaves. To Kutner] And you can start her on charcoal hemoperfusion for the phenol poisoning. [Kutner starts to leave.] Seriously?


[User] Oh, you were lying about the throat spray. That does make more sense. So why are you wasting Taub's time?

[Assistant] Because I don't want him to know that I'm wasting my time disproving his fake seizure theory. [He indiCates zipping his lip.] Zip.


[User] Hi. Tests back?

[Assistant] Head CT was negative.


[User] What about a thyroid uptake or abdominal ultrasound?

[Assistant] Sure. How about I flash some lights in front of your face first?


[User] You want me to have another seizure?

[Assistant] We're gonna have to give up the room unless we can confirm a pRoblem.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] Dammit.


[User] Please forgive me, I'm so sorry.

[Assistant] What are you worried about? You have maybe a night in jail for fraud. I have to go tell one of my employees he was right.


[User] I'm not a Munchausen. I'm gonna die unless you help me.

[Assistant] You'll have to come up with something more original.


[User] A cat predicted my death.

[Assistant] Cats make terrible doctors. Oh no, wait, that's women. You're screwed. [He leaves.]


[User] A few years back, I was one of them. Good luck, Neil.

[Assistant] If you're going to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.


[User] This is the cat, Debbie. Have you heard of her?

[Assistant] Debbie. Sorry, but without a last name!


[User] She was in the news. We found her as a kitten. She lives in the nursing home. She only sleeps next to people when they're about to die. [House enters his office and closes the door in her face.] Ten Patients in the last year. And then yesterday she did it to me while I was sitting on my couch. Please, the whole staff, the doctors Even, we all know this is real.

[Assistant] [calling from his desk] Can you come back later? I have some business I'm conducting with the Prince of Nigeria.


[User] Just watch this video. [She holds a tape against the door.] It'll prove I'm not lying. Dr. House, I am begging you. [She starts to gasp loudly and drops the tape. She puts down the carrier as she sinks to the floor.] Chest.

[Assistant] Quick! Before she goes without attention for eight seconds.


[User] House.

[Assistant] [He gets up, goes to the door but doesn't open it.] She's faking. The cat told me.


[User] Debbie the cat spends most of her time just prowling the halls, the queen of her own private world.

[Assistant] Gotta say, I don't think the changes they've made to American Idol really work for me.


[User] You want to treat her? She's a nut job.

[Assistant] Don't we all have quirks? Aren't those eccentricities what make us huMan?


[User] The doctors we spoke to also agree!

[Assistant] Nut jobs get sick too.


[User] So you think this cat story is nonsense. And you admit she faked her earlier symptoms. But you still think she's actually sick now?

[Assistant] Well, anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice.


[User] Confirm she's faking or I'm gonna have to kick her out.

[Assistant] There's that voice again.


[User] I'll give you 24 hours.

[Assistant] Consecutive?


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] [holding Debbie] No, Mister Bond, I expect you to die. Bronchospasm, go.


[User] No cough, no fEver, and Blofeld didn't smoke a cigar.

[Assistant] He might have. Dude had a lair. Means he was rich. [He puts Debbie on the floor.] Rich people enjoy a good stogie, sometimes send them as gifts. Hey, Taub! Did that sound like I was awkwardly trying to segue into making a point?


[User] Lungs were clean on the CT. Dogs can be trained to predict diabetic comas, epileptic seizures; they can smell cancer. It is possible there's something in this cat.

[Assistant] It's more possible that it was just a coincidence. 10 million nursing homes.


[User] Maybe the cat didn't predict anything. Might have caused the deaths.

[Assistant] We shoulda listened to Ted Nugent.


[User] Yeah, it could be cat scratch fEver or visceral larva migrans. Maybe he didn't kill Everyone at the nursing home, but it may be killing Morgan.

[Assistant] The worms hop from the cat to the cat lady's lungs. I could buy that.


[User] [pulling an empty cigar box from House's trash] Those cigars were for me.

[Assistant] Hey, that reminds me, why is some fancy CEO sending you a box of Cuban cigars? Is it related to your money worries?


[User] What money worries?

[Assistant] Extrapolating from the fact that he's been skipping his morning muffin, I'd say that he lost almost all his money on the market last year.


[User] I'm on a diet.

[Assistant] I'm also extrapolating from the online portfolio you forget to log off. But it's mostly the muffins. Scope her for worms in the lungs.


[User] There are no worms in the lungs.

[Assistant] What else could cause bronchospasm?


[User] Why are you pushing a crash cart?

[Assistant] Because Patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways.


[User] You actually think the cat is going to predict someone's death?

[Assistant] No, I know the cat is not going to predict anyone's death. Then I will have scientifically disproved!


[User] You didn't keep this Patient despite the cat, you kept this Patient because of the cat. You're scared there's something to it.

[Assistant] If I could prove the non-existence of an omniscient God who lovingly guides us to the other side, I would. Cat version will have to do. [He shoves Debbie toward Kutner who pulls back slightly.] Are you scared?


[User] Cats' brains are always in alpha mode. The few scientific tests that have seemed to confirm psyParkc phenomena, that's where it takes place.

[Assistant] Please tell me that you were kidding so I won't have to fire you.


[User] Don't you want to check their charts?

[Assistant] Of course not. This is a double-blind. I don't want to Even subconsciously


[User] [checking the chart] He has a sEvere cat allergy.

[Assistant] [injecting the Patient with something] That nEver happened.


[User] Look at Debbie.

[Assistant] Good news, Mister! Limpert, when you don't die tonight you will finally have done something good for the world as opposed to your life as a! fireMan. Foreman's airborne allergen theory makes the most sense. Do a methacholine challenge on Catgirl to check it out.


[User] I told you to get rid of "death cat."

[Assistant] Do you see a cat?


[User] I see a litter box.

[Assistant] [brandishing his cane] This is a disability, Dr. Cuddy. Can't make it to the men's room on time.


[User] You pee on the mice too?

[Assistant] Well, now you see the mice actually prove that I don't have a cat. [There's a tank of mice in the corner.]


[User] Are these! are these the genetically modified lab mice from oncology?

[Assistant] Genetically modified for tastiness. [He smacks his lips together sEveral times.]


[User] [taking the mice] Get rid of the cat and get rid of your Patient.

[Assistant] My team's doing a methacholine challenge.


[User] Your team just completed a methacholine challenge, which came up negative.

[Assistant] Who told you about the test? Taub?


[User] I'll nEver say. But yes.

[Assistant] Her airways clamped down. I heard it. We kick her onto the street, it could happen again. I wish there was a lawsuit cat. It could warn you.


[User] I'm sorry, but if you won't escort her out, I'll have to get security to do it. [She leaves.]

[Assistant] You're joining me for a good-bye smoke.


[User] I don't smoke.

[Assistant] Fine. If you don't want the sEventh graders to think you're cool. [He lights a cigar and blows the smoke at her.] I went through your purse. Horoscopes. Good luck charms. You went to a good college, good nursing school. So you weren't always a superstitious idiot.


[User] I'm not a super!

[Assistant] How 'bout four years, that sound right? That's when you switched from a family insurance plan to the one you're on now.


[User] I was married. I got divorced.

[Assistant] Two years before that, you got Parkcken pox shots, which you only get in adulthood when you have a kid. Or I should say when you had a kid because no kid has come to visit you. Which all makes me think something bad happened.


[User] It was my stepson, Timothy. [She coughs as House continues to blow smoke at her.]

[Assistant] What happened?


[User] He was in school. He was having his morning snack. And he choked. And the teacher saw it and they did Everything that they were supposed to. He shouldn't have died.

[Assistant] You want to make it make sense.


[User] [crying] What's wrong with that?

[Assistant] It's meaningless, is what's wrong. What's wrong is that it doesn't do a thing to bring your kid back, or put you and your ex together again. [Morgan starts coughing.] Rash on your neck. PRobably not enough for Cuddy. [He puffs harder, blowing the smoke at Morgan.]


[User] I can't breathe.

[Assistant] Hey, doc. [He calls over a doctor who is nearby.] Breath sound soft to you, doc? [The doctor listens to Morgan's chest and nods.] Hooray! You're officially sick. Churg-Strauss fits best. Here's the plan! Taub, change the litter box.


[User] This is pathetic. You're still punishing me for calling you out on the green urine lady?

[Assistant] Nope, this is for ratting me out to Cuddy. I'm not asking you to apologize, just scoop some poop out of a box.


[User] Now that you've delivered that important lesson, I'm gonna go test the Patient.

[Assistant] What, you think your bag's gonna die now?


[User] Now you're punishing me because you think I'm superstitious? What do you care?

[Assistant] It's not so much about me caring per se. It's more about me wondering why you're such a credulous idiot. Thirteen, start the Patient on steroids for the Churg-Strauss. Unless we have something we need to argue about.


[User] It's brown. I didn't do anything, honest.

[Assistant] I'm just a girl who can't say no.


[User] It is possible she's still faking.

[Assistant] [hanging his cane on a bookshelf] She didn't fake the bronchospasm. You think she's faking some stuff but not other stuff? Maybe she's "Unchausen".


[User] What?

[Assistant] Nothing.


[User] We've ruled out Every possible cause for brown urine. No blood in the urine. Liver and kidneys fine.

[Assistant] Brown could be fecal. A fistula!


[User] How do we know the urine is still brown?

[Assistant] Had to be. Once you've gone brown!


[User] If we've ruled out Everything that can make the urine brown, what if it just looked brown? If the green dye nEver left her system, what plus green makes brown?

[Assistant] [sitting] Purple. Strep bovis infection from colon cancer. Paraneoplastic syndrome would explain the bronchospasm.


[User] We scoped her when we checked for the fistula. There's no tumor.

[Assistant] Oh, no.


[User] I wasn't scared by the umbrella either.

[Assistant] What? Not Everything's about you, Kutner.


[User] I realize it's stupid. I just! I don't know Everything. I don't want to invite!

[Assistant] Great, 'cause I thought your superstitiousness had to do with your folks being killed. But "you're stupid" works just as well. [He cracks a hard boiled egg against his forehead and starts peeling it.]


[User] [entering] Why is there a ladder here?

[Assistant] Oops. Forgot that one. [He picks up the ladder and repositions it diagonally across the doorway.] Scopes don't work as well as pillcams. Give her one. Find the tumor. Come with me, tiny Taub.


[User] Sorry I was late again. I've got a long commute from the poor House.

[Assistant] Knew it when I hired you. You'd Eventually miss the money, being the big shot like your new CEO friend, if that night club stamp on your hand is any indication.


[User] Don't worry, I'm not quitting.

[Assistant] I know. Guy who signs a non-compete instead of just telling his wife that he cheated doesn't have the guts to quit.


[User] Bad example. I did tell her.

[Assistant] From guilt, not from courage. And bravely running to Cuddy behind my back. Arriving heroically late Every day. Cowards make lousy employees. Maybe you're a coward, maybe you're quitting. Either way, I'm screwed. [He leaves.] You will note how "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"� has snuggled up by Coma Guy over there. And more importantly, she did yesterday as well. And he's still breathing. We done?


[User] [standing and walking to the bed] Thank you for showing me this. But maybe she's just confused in this new environment.

[Assistant] In 1844 a preacher in upstate New York added up some dates in the bible and predicted Jesus' return. His followers gave away all their possessions and showed up in a field. Guess who didn't show. So the preacher said that he miscalculated, and they went right back the next month but with more followers. Every time he was irrefutably proved wrong, it redoubled Everyone's belief.


[User] You're trying to prove to her she's not dying?

[Assistant] That would be dumb as she might be dying.


[User] This Woman lost her kid. Why are you attacking beliefs that give her a little bit of comfort?

[Assistant] I don't care if her superstitions make her feel better. I just want her to think more clearly.


[User] Oh. Maybe that could make her as happy as you are. [The elevator arrives and they step inside.] Where are we going?

[Assistant] Experimenting. [The "backpack"� yowls. Another doctor in the elevator looks around.] Stop it, Dr. Wilson. It's just not cute anymore!


[User] You already experimented on the coma guy. Haven't you proved your point?

[Assistant] Not to the Patient. And not to the millions of idiots who drooled over that news item about the magic cat.


[User] Why are you so obsessed with this? Can't you just call her an idiot and leave Everyone alone?

[Assistant] Hey, look, kids, therapy cat.


[User] You're a liar. Therapy animals are dogs, not cats.

[Assistant] Aren't you feisty? This one's special. If she likes you interesting stuff happens.


[User] No, okay. Uh, kids, playtime's over. [The kids leave.] You know what, this is a good thing. Because either you're starting to doubt yourself, which is healthy, or �

[Assistant] I don't beliEve in the legend of goodbye kitty.


[User] Or, you're starting to give a crap what other people think. Which is just another way of saying you give a crap about other people.

[Assistant] I'd love to hear more of your theory, but I don't give a crap. [He checks the message on the phone] Also, the pillcam's back. Polypoid. Raised edges.


[User] How Many times are we gonna watch this? There's no tumor.

[Assistant] Oh my God, the death cat is attacking your legs. You're going to die.


[User] Maybe it has something to do with that little red dot dancing around down there.

[Assistant] [continuing to point the laser at Kutner's feet] Oh my God, the death laser is attacking your legs. You're going to die.


[User] Maybe we're not wasting time. We wouldn't have seen a flat lesion.

[Assistant] Skin cancer could have metastasized to the intestines. Cool. Check for melanomas.


[User] Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come here. Here, kitty. [He opens the door to the conference room. She meows once but doesn't move. Kutner leaves through that door, instead.]

[Assistant] What?


[User] It's not cancer. We found spider veins on her back. They weren't there when she came in.

[Assistant] Spider veins means Cushing's. Could cause an abdominal disturbance, brown urine!


[User] But the bronchospasm?

[Assistant] Cushing's myopathy. It's uncommon but! [He turns on the light and winces.] Wait a second. You didn't wake me up to tell me a symptom that's not killing her. What else is going on?


[User] I think she's dying.

[Assistant] I just told you it's Cushing's. We treat!


[User] I don't mean because of the spider veins. Mr. Limpert died.

[Assistant] If that's my high school gym teacher!


[User] It's your coma Patient. He was stable for a year and a half, and he just died. The cat was right, House.

[Assistant] Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.


[User] [standing with his hands in his pockets, not searParkng] Say "puss" one more time. It's the sixth "puss" that really does it.

[Assistant] You're right. Sulking will solve Everything. That cat sat on my lap, and that cat knows something.


[User] Yesterday it was all a coincidence.

[Assistant] Yesterday it was until I unintentionally proved it wasn't.


[User] Cat's nose is powerful. It could smell liver or kidney failure.

[Assistant] Exactly, except if you'd glanced at the nursing home files I had faxed over this morning, you'd know that most of the Patients' livers and kidneys were fine; what else?


[User] MRI's aren't telling us if the Cushing's in her adrenals or her brain.

[Assistant] So check her ACTH.


[User] ACTH is 11.7. It's too close to tell. We can't treat the wrong organ 'cause that won't solve anything. She could have a cortisol storm. Could kill her.

[Assistant] Well, maybe as the senior fellow you could have made sure that my doors were closed, so that I could be concentrating on the cat instead of looking for the cat.


[User] Sounds like he said "do you like cranberry juice?" [He checks the red stuff on his lab coat.] Crap.

[Assistant] Cheaper than fake blood. And more cran-tastic. Don't Ever leave my door open like that again.


[User] You're playing pranks and this Woman could be dying.

[Assistant] So have Chase do a venous sampling in her brain. If he finds something, it's there. If he finds nothing, it's the adrenals.


[User] What exactly are you hoping to find inside your dead coma guy?

[Assistant] Catnip. Chew toy. I don't know. That's why I'm looking!


[User] [enters with Foreman] Your Patient had cardiac arrest during the venous sampling. We got her back, but her heart's still tenuous.

[Assistant] That tell us anything?


[User] She's weak, possibly dying.

[Assistant] So nothing. What about the ACTH?


[User] Slightly elevated.

[Assistant] That confirms the Cushing's is in the brain! go.


[User] Are you sure that it's Cushing's? You'd expect central body obesity. She's in good shape.

[Assistant] If it had a normal presentation, there wouldn't be a cat involved.


[User] So it's the brain. That means the next question is whether to remove the pituitary right now!

[Assistant] That's not a question for me. That's a question for the Patient. You'll present both sides and let her decide.


[User] I've got to stop telling you my theories. You always just try to prove me wrong.

[Assistant] You mean the theory about Cuddy's ass getting bigger at the full moon? I confirmed that one. Photo's on my blog.


[User] Normally, you'd be up in the Patient room hectoring her on what to do. Instead you're up to your elbows in some irrelevant dead guy who may or may not be connected to a magic cat because you want to prove to me that you don't care.

[Assistant] Case is over. I'm exploring a scientific mystery.


[User] I'll schedule an operating room.

[Assistant] Early.


[User] I'm not staying long. I'm quitting.

[Assistant] You got a new job?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Well then, you're not quitting. See you back here tomorrow.


[User] You're not accepting my resignation?

[Assistant] Easier this way. It avoids the whole thing where you panic, run back and grovel, and I punish you and then take you back.


[User] Bye.

[Assistant] Bring donuts. Everyone loves those bear claws. Here, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss. Puss?


[User] No.

[Assistant] I was right. And more satisfyingly, you were wrong. It was a coincidence. The cat was not predicting deaths. It was just trying to keep warm.


[User] Yes, dead people are renowned for their warm glow.

[Assistant] They are if they're fEverish, like three of the Patients were. Or if they're wasting away, like the other eight.


[User] Wasting doesn't!

[Assistant] Yeah, it does. If it means someone sticks a heating blanket on you.


[User] Congrats. Because of your crazy obsession with this cat, you've solved a completely trivial mystery.

[Assistant] Completely trivial. My God. It's clearly only partially trivial. Debbie climbed on Morgan too, which means she was overheated. So what causes flushing and mimics Every Cushing's symptom except central body obesity?


[User] Cancer. A corticotropin-producing carcinoid tumor of the intestine. But your pillcam didn't find anything.

[Assistant] Means it must be somewhere the pillcam couldn't go.


[User] The appendix. Congratulations, you pRobably saved her life. You definitely saved her needless surgery.

[Assistant] Yes, I did. [grabs the phone] What's the O.R. extension number? Just curious.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] I wouldn't come here for thanks. That would be ungracious. It's more about gloating. You were about to cut out a piece of your brain just to Chase some crazy superstition.


[User] But I didn't.

[Assistant] You "didn't" didn't do anything. I stopped it.


[User] And what made you do that?

[Assistant] Science. Logic. Reason. Pick any three.


[User] A cat chooses that exact moment to sit on your computer. Maybe that's science and logic and reason or maybe it's something else.

[Assistant] You're an idiot.


[User] I looked up the preacher from New York State. His followers nEver faded out. They became the SEventh Day Adventists. A major religion. That Man changed the course of history.

[Assistant] Because his followers were as deluded as he was.


[User] Maybe he just gave them something to live for.

[Assistant] Feel better. [He leaves.] Kutner! [Kutner comes in from the conference room.] Cat pee on my chair?


[User] Blood on my face?

[Assistant] Fake blood! [Kutner just stares at him.] You pay for the dry-cleaning. [He picks up his cars and his backpack and leaves.]


[User] [enunciating clearly] Yeah, a cat!

[Assistant] See you tomorrow.


[User] [VO] Who. My heart? Oh, God! They don't know I'm in here.

[Assistant] [VO] Hey, genius. I think it violates certain ethical laws to rip the organs out of a guy who's still alive. Possibly certain law laws too.


[User] Could you, um, get back in your bed, please, Mr. House?

[Assistant] It's actually Doctor House. [House comes into view or, rather, his blue shirt does. The left elbow is ripped and bloody.]


[User] [VO] This guy's a doctor?

[Assistant] There's also Navy Seal House. But you're going to have to save up for that one.


[User] Really? Well, that's interesting, but! you're here because you crashed your motorcycle, not because I need a consult. So, get back in bed.

[Assistant] Scraped my elbow. I just need a truckload of Vicodin. Whereas, this guy!


[User] So drop it.

[Assistant] See that?


[User] No EKG response to painful stimuli, hot or cold. What you're seeing is random, barely discernable.

[Assistant] I discerned it.


[User] [VO] No, no, no, it's not! It's me.

[Assistant] Then why is his eye following you?


[User] [VO] No, no, I'm not dead. I need help. I'm here!

[Assistant] I also know about locked-in syndrome! That things are either involuntary! or voluntary. Blink if you can hear me.


[User] [VO] I hear you. [The screen goes dark for a second as Lee blinks.]

[Assistant] Oh, this is going to be fun.


[User] [VO, blinking once] I hope so.

[Assistant] The square root of nine? [three blinks] He got that faster than you. Brain is fully functional. [House has an ugly bruise on his left cheekbone, directly under the eye.]


[User] [VO] No, I can't be stuck like this.

[Assistant] Unless! the crash didn't cause the brain damage. Maybe the brain damage caused the crash.


[User] [VO] Yeah. I couldn't stop. Why couldn't I stop?

[Assistant] [checking Lee's hands] Look at his palms. No scrapes. He didn't Even try to protect himself. Suggests slowed reflexes! or no reflexes.


[User] [VO] Yeah, and you're the guy who wants to cut out my organs, and he's the guy who doesn't.

[Assistant] [ignoring Kurtz] Get me the scans. Stroke, cancer, Even a simple infection. Anything that insults the central pons could do this.


[User] I don't know how God is going to get us through this. But he will.

[Assistant] Stop it. I'm blushing.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Just looking for some reading material for the crapper. These CTs �


[User] You okay?

[Assistant] NEver better.


[User] Here's your burger.

[Assistant] If you can't bring Mohammed to Princeton, bring Princeton to Mohammed. That's my diagnostics posse. Hot, dark and darker. [He gestures using a French fry.]


[User] [VO] Who cares?

[Assistant] Buying a Gibson '57 Goldtop. It's the guitar Duane AllMan used to play.


[User] Next to the trauma, the most likely causes of a sudden onset of locked-in syndrome are basilar artery stroke and brain hemorrhage.

[Assistant] CT was clean.


[User] Certain circulatory diseases.

[Assistant] Guy's an active bike rider, his heart's fine.


[User] [VO] It was a melted PowerBar.

[Assistant] She's the smart one. I just keep dark and darker to fill out the quota. If we find it, treat it, you could be fine.


[User] [VO] I nEver thought I'd be praying for a brain tumor, but please, dear God.

[Assistant] If you're praying in there, stop it right now.


[User] We'll get his doctor to order an MRI.

[Assistant] His doctor's busy teaParkng him how to blink out "kill me" in Morse code. Luckily, I found some forms under the mattress. [He pulls them out. Kutner hands him a pen and he signs them.]


[User] I hope they! [white clouds are seen] work! wow. [It's a beach. House is there in a beach chair with a bottle of beer at hand.] You're in my relaxing scenario?

[Assistant] I guess you like me.


[User] Either that or you got sent here.

[Assistant] What? By God?


[User] I'm not sure if I beliEve in God.

[Assistant] You spend an awful lot of time in church for someone who doesn't.


[User] I don't not beliEve either.

[Assistant] It's either one or the other.


[User] I go to church mainly to keep my wife happy, but! I don't know, I've nEver actually thought that God could reach out and affect my life. But getting a brilliant doctor in the bed next to me?

[Assistant] God is also the guy who opened his car door in front of you.


[User] I think Molly was right. I think you were sent here to make me get better.

[Assistant] I think so.


[User] [VO] What time is it?

[Assistant] Hope you don't mind. My new roommate snores. And my new room doesn't have you. [He turns on the light.] Your MRI showed a lesion in the central pons. [Pulls out MRI film.]


[User] [VO] What is that? What does that mean?

[Assistant] See it there? [He points to a spot on the film.]


[User] [VO] No.

[Assistant] Mm, that's what they said. But it's there. Which means no way head trauma did this. It's cancer, causing a paraneoplastic syndrome. Unfortunately, your current doctor thinks its diffuse nature means an infection. Now the bad news is, the antivirals he's got you on might kill you.


[User] [VO] I'm not gonna die.

[Assistant] But the good news is if they just almost kill you, then Dr. Idiot will realize that his name is not a coincidence and he'll let me do whatEver I want.


[User] [VO] Thank you.

[Assistant] See, the irony here is! you're kind of fascinating. So Many questions. But if you could answer any of them, then you wouldn't be fascinating.


[User] [VO] I get it. You're a little nuts, aren't you?

[Assistant] Your wife is the one getting you through this. Your wife and me. Although frankly, the MRI was a lot more useful than four hours of hand-holding. I think.


[User] [VO] If he had a wife, he'd know why it matters.

[Assistant] You're a good guy. Easy to talk to.


[User] [VO] Wait, something's happening. What's happening to me? [From Lee's point of view, Everything is shaking like the room has been hit by an earthquake.]

[Assistant] Need some help in here! Your Patient is seizing.


[User] Why would he have a seizure?

[Assistant] Because he has cancer!


[User] [VO] Why are you still arguing with this guy? You thought I was dead.

[Assistant] Welcome back. And nicely played. You almost died. [Out of side of his mouth as if it were a secret, but at normal speaking volume.] Exactly as we planned.


[User] You knew this was going to happen?

[Assistant] It usually happens when you treat cancer by pretending it's not cancer. Right, doctor? My turn?


[User] [VO] Yes!

[Assistant] A small tumor in his brain stem, causing paraneoplastic syndrome. He needs plasmapheresis.


[User] [VO] Please shut up.

[Assistant] I don't. Which means I can treat him.


[User] [VO] Absolutely. [one blink]

[Assistant] Would you send up a couple of bellboys?


[User] I got the transfer papers. Plasmapheresis is all set up. Are you okay? [She touches the bruise on House's cheek.]

[Assistant] Fresh infusion of macho. You like?


[User] What were you doing up there, anyway?

[Assistant] Antiquing. I found you a late Victorian corset. Come by later, I'll tie you up.


[User] [enters] Sorry I didn't show up in Middletown. I didn't get the message.

[Assistant] PRobably because there was no message. I've decided to accept your resignation.


[User] Uh, I thought we were past this. I decided to stay.

[Assistant] No, you didn't. You had it decided for you. So now you're stuck here with a boss who knows that you want to be somewhere else. Which means you're no longer motivated to impress me, which means you're no longer motivated to come up with good ideas. Unless I'm wrong. Save the cheerleader. Save your world. [They reach the elevator.] I got it from here.


[User] [approaches] Hey, just curious! what're you driving up to Middletown for?

[Assistant] What do you care?


[User] Because I'm your friend.

[Assistant] I was buying a guitar.


[User] Yeah, I heard that. It used to belong to a guitarist who died in a motorcycle accident. It just reeks of you screwing with people. Your crash was ten miles from the Orange County Progressive Pain Clinic.

[Assistant] You live ten miles from Mary's Dress Shop. And yet, that's not Even on my list of reasons that I think you're secretly a transvestite.


[User] [VO] He's on drugs?

[Assistant] I went to visit your ex-ex-ex-wife!


[User] [VO] What?

[Assistant] !who lives in Thompson Ridge. I let her know about the extra money you're making on the lecture circuit. So she'll be sure to adjust your alimony.


[User] You wouldn't do that.

[Assistant] Yeah. I wouldn't do that.


[User] Do you drink?

[Assistant] He's a roofer. Alcohol hardly proves your theory.


[User] !MPPP.

[Assistant] Either we play 20,000 questions with Every street drug, or instead of talking to him, we talk to the lesion.


[User] We're going to biopsy the brain stem?

[Assistant] For the record, that doesn't count as your inspired idea. It's sort of where I was heading.


[User] How come I'm not better? God's not supposed to work in trial and error.

[Assistant] God's mistakes are well-documented. If he'd done Everything right the first time, there'd have been one plague and zero great floods.


[User] Those were because of huMan mistakes.

[Assistant] You think your doctor has an apartment on Mount Olympus?


[User] God put me with you for a reason. I'm gonna be all right still, right?

[Assistant] [pause] I don't know.


[User] Why aren't his eyes moving?

[Assistant] Two options: My neurologist screwed up, or else something the hospital Lawyer's going to have to come up with when you sue us.


[User] But he's still in there, right? I mean, he just can't communiCate?

[Assistant] It's possible. Also possible is that the surgery caused so much swelling in his brain stem, that he's just gone. He had one way to communiCate and now that's gone. Well played.


[User] He runs a business, meets a lot of people he could've picked up rotavirus.

[Assistant] Did he report having bloody diarrhea?


[User] The wife's not sure, says he doesn't complain.

[Assistant] Did you ask him?


[User] We've prioritized. He can only blink, a real history would've taken weeks.

[Assistant] If he had Epstein-Barr, he'd have belly pains. If he had picornavirus, he'd have headaches. Five other yes/no questions, and maybe we'd know what treatment to give. And what treatment would kill him. Unless he's already dead.


[User] I called the ex-ex-ex-wife. She was at a sweat lodge in New Mexico last week. What were you really doing in New York?

[Assistant] You know how you hate it when I meddle in your lies? I mean your life.


[User] Why are you being so evasive? Unless you have something to evade.

[Assistant] Interesting. This has nothing to do with you, your ex-wife, or my pain. I was heading to the Downstate Correctional Facility in Fishkill.


[User] One of your hookers arrange a conjugal visit?

[Assistant] It's where Foreman's brother is being held.


[User] [VO] I am scared. Molly, I love you so much.

[Assistant] Have you had any bloody diarrhea in the last two weeks?


[User] Rotavirus out.

[Assistant] Any recent joint pain?


[User] He was in St. Louis.

[Assistant] Good. Could be Missouri malaria. Let's start treatment.


[User] He was! he was there. The maParkne must not be working.

[Assistant] Hmmm. Either that or he lied to you about it. People do that sometimes. For example, I just lied to him about Missouri malaria.


[User] [VO] I should've told you. Why didn't I just tell you? Down. ["No"� beep]

[Assistant] When you weren't in St. Louis for two days, I assume you were getting some strange for two days.


[User] [VO] So does she. ["No"� beep] You have to tell her I wasn't.

[Assistant] Amazing. A Man who only has two blips at his disposal can still lie.


[User] [VO] I'm not lying.

[Assistant] If you were getting some really strange strange, you could've contracted neurosyphilis. Infection went to your brain, froze you right up. Good news is it's treatable. You'll be up and moving in time to sign the divorce papers.


[User] [VO] I'm liking this one more and more. Don't fire him.

[Assistant] Were you out of the state?


[User] [VO] I nEver left. ["No"� beep]

[Assistant] Were you within 20 miles of your House?


[User] [VO] Yes. ["Yes"� beep]

[Assistant] [VO] Were you within five miles?


[User] [VO] Yes.

[Assistant] [VO] Within two miles?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Did you stay at a hotel?


[User] No.

[Assistant] You had to sleep somewhere. Your car?


[User] [VO] No.

[Assistant] A friend's House?


[User] Yes. Yes.

[Assistant] That narrows it down, depending on how popular you are. Tell the wife to stop crying, get in here. [Molly enters the picture as the camera continues to circle around all three of them on the suburban street.] He says that when he was supposed to be in St. Louis, he was staying at a friend's House.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Let's assume that you beliEve him for the moment. Name your friends within two miles.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Guess someone who doesn't have a wife.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Got an address?


[User] I want to keep my job.

[Assistant] Great. All you gotta do is come up with a good idea.


[User] How about we hook the guy's brain to a computer, so he can communiCate?

[Assistant] That's a great idea. For the guy who invented the computer that can read minds. Your idea was to use his idea.


[User] You didn't come up with it. No one else came up with it. If I didn't re-establish communication, we nEver would have found �

[Assistant] What's interesting is why you're here now. Not when I gave you the ultimatum. Was it something the Patient said?


[User] I realized that what we do here! terrifies me. And! overcoming that is the only way I can matter.

[Assistant] Kutner found the battery factory. Kutner came up with the cadmium. Maybe you don't matter.


[User] When's the last time you changed that dressing? [She reaches him and makes a face.] Judging by the smell of it, I'd say nEver.

[Assistant] [sticks his arm out without looking away from the white board] He's locked-in, his kidneys blew a fuse, and now his eye is oozing pus.


[User] I assume you went over all of that with your team. I also assume they didn't have any brilliant ideas, or you wouldn't still be muttering to yourself. This is going to hurt. [She pulls off the old bandage.]

[Assistant] Ow! [He looks at the bruise on his elbow for a minute then returns to the white board.] The way he's losing his myelin makes an infection most likely. Could be varicella �


[User] Road Debris has come to the surface. I'm going to have to scrub it out.

[Assistant] But the initial acyclovir would've treated that. Which pushes me towards an autoimmune disease. Like Behcet's.


[User] Here! this is going to hurt Even more. [She gives him a paper cup with pills in it.] Take two now, two later.

[Assistant] [He empties the cup into his mouth.] Oops. [She scrubs the bruise.] Ho! Of course, if the varicella was resistant, it wouldn't matter what they did up in Middletown.


[User] Do an LP.

[Assistant] You've been in the ER too long. When the Patient had head trauma, white blood cells only indiCate that he had head trauma.


[User] Or you could use the LP for something useful. If you find polys, it's varicella. Lymphs, Behcet's.

[Assistant] Why did I fire you again?


[User] You weren't visiting Foreman's brother, either.

[Assistant] Busy. Kutner's doing an LP, so I have to focus.


[User] I had prison security check visitor logs, phone records. You've nEver had any contact with anyone at Fishkill. So, I ask again! What were you doing up in Middletown?

[Assistant] You know what's more interesting than what I was doing? The reason you are so obsessed with what I was doing.


[User] Stop deflecting, House.

[Assistant] Says the deflector. The reason I was up there is the reason you're scared I was up there. I was checking out your dirty, little secret. How long have you been sleeping with her?


[User] How! how did you know?

[Assistant] Your only secrets are the girls you find embarrassing. And the only embarrassing girl you've met recently is the one at your brother's cuckoo facility.


[User] We've only been out a few times.

[Assistant] She's a caregiver. Like all of your other failed exes. And someone who takes care of your brother. Who was the last person who took care of your brother?


[User] [laughs] You think this is Oedipal?

[Assistant] Actually, I was thinking masturbatory, but I guess your mom took care of him first. So, the safe course is to gouge your eyes out.


[User] There is no God. You don't know what's wrong with me.

[Assistant] [sitting in a beach chair] It doesn't seem that way.


[User] So am I dead?

[Assistant] Not yet. [pause as medical monitor can be heard beeping] But you're about to be.


[User] [VO] No. No. Let me go. He can't fix me. I've been here for three days, Everything hurts.

[Assistant] [simultaneously, almost inaudibly] The arrest means the demyelination hit the area in his brainstem that controls heart rhythm. We need answers fast, 'cause this is going to happen again.


[User] [VO] It's okay, just! just!

[Assistant] Not without the results of the LP.


[User] So we put in a temporary pacer, it's not gonna �

[Assistant] Shut up, shut up. [Lee's computer is beeping "no,"� "yes,"� "no,"� "yes."�] He's trying to talk. ["Yes"� beep] Is something bothering you?


[User] Maybe he's not saying "no," maybe he's saying "down." ["Yes"� beep] Are you saying that the pain is lower? ["Yes"� beep] How low, your leg? ["No"� beep] Your foot? ["Yes"� beep]

[Assistant] Left foot? ["No"� beep] Check his! let me see now! yeah, his right foot.


[User] No bruises, no rashes, no cuts.

[Assistant] Then there should be no pain. Is it a tingling sensation? ["No"� beep] Is it itParkng? ["Yes"� beep] Itchy foot means liver failure.


[User] The liver's fine. His enzymes have been normal since we admitted him.

[Assistant] I didn't say "failing," I said "failure." Just like you. Liver's like a cruise ship taking on water. As it starts to sink, it sends out an S.O.S. Only instead of radio waves, it uses enzymes. The more enzymes in the blood, the worse the liver is. And once the ship has sunk, there's no more S.O.S. You think the liver's fine, but it's already at the bottom of the sea.


[User] So dying liver released toxins, damaged the nerves, led to locked-in syndrome.

[Assistant] Now we just need to know what's causing the liver failure.


[User] Liver, plus eye, plus kidney! most likely sclerosing cholangitis.

[Assistant] Oh, God, if only Taub had said that, it would've been a happy ending. Do a biopsy to confirm.


[User] [VO] I did it.

[Assistant] Rat pee. Very nice idea. Who came up with it?


[User] I did. [Kutner nods slightly at him.]

[Assistant] Good. [Taub leaves.] You okay with him claiming the credit?


[User] It was his idea. He saw the rash �

[Assistant] If he did, he'd have hung a "mission accomplished" banner in my outer office.


[User] Don't toy with him. If you're going to fire him �

[Assistant] The fact that he stole your idea means that he cares enough to lie. That's all I needed to know. Rat pee. That's a very nice idea.


[User] House. You left this in my office. [He hands House a cell phone.]

[Assistant] No, I didn't. So either I have a hole in my pocket �


[User] Oh, that's right I remember now, I stole it. Because if you had gone up there to check out my girlfriend, you wouldn't have come back here and lied to me about it. You would've thrown her right in my face.

[Assistant] You underestimate the entertainment value of your obsessions.


[User] And then there were all those calls you weren't taking in front of me. [House stops and turns to look at Wilson.] So I dialed the number of the calls you weren't taking. You're seeing a psyParkatrist.

[Assistant] You had no right to invade my privacy. [He reaches under Lee's pillow and pulls out a recorder.]


[User] Is! is that!?

[Assistant] Yeah. It's irony.


[User] Hey. God sent you.

[Assistant] Suddenly, you're not so fascinating. [He leaves.]


[User] You're spying on your team.

[Assistant] Prioritize, Wilson. Is that what you really want to torture me about right now?


[User] I don't want to torture you at all. I think this is a great thing. Not something you have to drive an hour out of town to shroud in mystery.

[Assistant] Yeah. Whining on someone's couch. That's an excellent use of my time. Maybe I'll discover that my Parkldhood wasn't perfect.


[User] So your attitude about therapy clearly hasn't changed. And yet you went. Which leads me to beliEve that maybe something else has changed. [The stop by the elevator.] Maybe you think you can change. Credit Cuddy with that.

[Assistant] Not much credit to take, because I'm not going back.


[User] Oh, House, please! I assume you went because you're tired of screwing up Every chance you get at happiness.

[Assistant] [fiddling with his phone] Delete contact.


[User] Do not let the fact that I found out about it �

[Assistant] Don't beat yourself up. I'm not going back because it doesn't work. [He enters the elevator and pushes the key to confirm the delete.]


[User] 54-year-old Woman with acute respiratory failure. No anaphylaxis, lung issues or tracheal lesions. Tox screen was clean for coke and amphetamines.

[Assistant] I will give you 30 reasons, one for each pound that cause the apnea which enflamed the epiglottis. Why is our rainbow coalition missing brown and bi?


[User] No apnea because no sleeping pRoblems when she's sleeping. She spent the last six months caring for her husband who's dying of heart failure.

[Assistant] Reason 31 � whatEver whacked the husband's heart is also whacking her airway and! Oh, good. I thought maybe Kutner was home nursing the rib you broke when you elbowed your way in for credit on the last Patient.


[User] I contributed. And the Patient's illness wasn't caused by her husband unless lung cancer's contagious.

[Assistant] Interesting. Not about the Patient. That was kinda dull. I thought maybe you were lying to cover for Kutner which sounds noble. Except you're doing it out of guilt instead of love.


[User] Could have picked up melioidosis from one of the islands.

[Assistant] Would have jumped to the husband and finished off him and his lame immune system.


[User] No tumors, no drugs, no bacteria. Leaves viral � varicella zoster.

[Assistant] Start her on IV fluids and acyclovir.


[User] Can't. She's deManding to be released so she can get home to her husband.

[Assistant] How sweet. They can die together instead of separately, 40 years apart.


[User] The mind can heal the body. Seeing his wife in distress might have actually slowed down his death.

[Assistant] Or he could have just had an adrenaline surge when he saw his chance to hit the singles market. Send her home.


[User] The pageant starts in an hour. You have to do something. There's something wrong inside her head. It's like she has no idea what's going on around her. [She waves her hand in front of her daughter who doesn't react.]

[Assistant] I thought she was just flirting with me. [Mother gives him a look and daughter stares blankly at him.] I can fix it, but it's gonna cost you! $3.75. I'm not just gonna give you my coffee. [He hands his cup to the daughter.] Think of it as Costa Rican sober juice.


[User] She's drunk?

[Assistant] That little minty scent hiding beneath the rose petal perfume and the cherry blossom moisturizer and the morning dew hair spray. You sneak into mommy's bathroom and gulp some of her mouthwash?


[User] [slurring] Gotta be perfect.

[Assistant] You spit it out?


[User] She can resume her vigil over her husband who started fading again.

[Assistant] Win some, lose some. And strictly speaking, since he's not my Patient, win some. Look at the time. It's half past "Taub was lying about Kutner."�


[User] He pRobably went to a comic book fest, spent the night at some Wonder Woman's lair. I'm sure he'll �

[Assistant] Find out what or who he's doing. Either way, Cuddy's gonna want me to write it under "reason for termination."�


[User] He's cold. Eric!

[Assistant] He didn't say anything? To any of you? Family pRoblems? Bad relationship? Financial pressures?


[User] His parents were shot right in front of him.

[Assistant] Parents are ancient history.


[User] Not to someone who actually cares.

[Assistant] He didn't slit his wrists and! peacefully drift away. He shot himself. He didn't leave a note. That means panic. Which could have been preempted if the idiots who worked alongside him for 80 hours a week had seen this coming.


[User] You're blaming us?

[Assistant] [shakes head slightly] Just trying to figure it out.


[User] This isn't our fault! Something like 25% of suicidal people show no outward signs of depression.

[Assistant] No. 25% of suicidal people have friends who didn't notice anything and don't want to feel guilty.


[User] We still have a Patient. Actually, two. One worsening, one who should be worsening.

[Assistant] You can't be in denial about Kutner and the husband.


[User] It's possible Eddie's body is willing itself to live.

[Assistant] Well, call the tabloids. Tell them you just witnessed the miracle of slightly increased kidney function.


[User] Maybe we should pass this file over to another doctor.

[Assistant] And the next one too? The one after that? How Many files till it's okay that Kutner's dead? [pause] Cardiac enzymes means she didn't have a heart attack. No vision pRoblems means no mitochondrial disease.


[User] I'm sorry. I've hired a grief counselor whom I'm sure none of you will see and I'm offering time off, which I'm sure none of you will take. But just know it's available. [Long pause]

[Assistant] Polyserositis fits. Start her on indomethacin. [He heads for his office, followed by Cuddy.]


[User] If you'd rather not deal with this case!

[Assistant] I'm fine. Despite what Wilson will say.


[User] He hasn't come to you?

[Assistant] Pretty sure he has mah-jongg Tuesday mornings. I assume he thinks I will work through this better if I don't have to keep flicking his wings off my shoulder.


[User] You didn't Even have an inkling?

[Assistant] I know his fantasy football team cratered. Figured he'd gotten over it.


[User] Well! Sorry for your loss.

[Assistant] Thanks. But it's not my loss.


[User] Then I'm sorry you don't think it is. [She leaves and Foreman and Thirteen come in from the conference room]

[Assistant] Patient's membranes aren't gonna heal themselves.


[User] Taub went to run the treatment. We'd like to go see Kutner's parents.

[Assistant] I'll join you. [He takes a Vicodin.]


[User] Wish we did. We all �

[Assistant] It was his name. He was conflicted, didn't know where he fit in, being ripped out of his world and stuck into yours.


[User] We encouraged him to hold onto his heritage.

[Assistant] It's hard to still be Lawrence Choudhary when Everyone sees you as Kutner.


[User] It was his idea to take our name.

[Assistant] Then you should have said no.


[User] House.

[Assistant] All his Anglo name gave him was the illusion that he was someone he wasn't. You were being emotional, not rational. You didn't understand him.


[User] We loved that boy, you son of a bitch.

[Assistant] You wanted to make him happy by shutting out his pain. When he looked happy, you assumed the pain had gone. It just got buried deeper, leaving him tormented about who he was until finally he put a bullet �


[User] House! Go back to the hospital.

[Assistant] I'm sorry about your son.


[User] Indomethacin had no effect. She's still in pain. Rules out polyserositis. I ran a hormone panel on Eddie. His prolactin's above normal. Means he's actually improving. Body chemistry changes for all sorts of reasons � stress, fear! Why not love? But maybe he's going into some sort of remission/

[Assistant] You haven't asked if I learned anything relevant from the Kutners.


[User] If you had, I'm sure you would have mentioned it.

[Assistant] Or you're afraid there is something relevant. Which would mean you could have saved him.


[User] I don't buy that suicide is always a cry for help. Sometimes you just don't want help.

[Assistant] Good thing you got some. Or you'd have tried again and gotten it right.


[User] She doesn't have Wegener's. Kidney function's normal. It's not byssinosis. It's not mitral valve stenosis. Nothing fits.

[Assistant] If it doesn't fit any diagnosis, it just leaves one diagnosis. I'm Dr. House. You have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. His heart is too weak. Yours is too strong. Good news is it's fixable. We induce a massive heart attack and kill off the extra muscle.


[User] You wanna give me a heart attack?

[Assistant] It's only dangerous if your heart is normal size. But since all the �


[User] Are you serious?

[Assistant] No. This is actually very annoying and I'm getting really bored of lying to Patients to scare them into telling me the truth. [to Eddie] She's faking. And yes, if she keeps faking I'm going to Eventually do something that will kill her.


[User] How could she be! The windpipe thing?

[Assistant] That was real. Treatment made her better. But good for her was bad for you which was bad for her. So she made herself bad. It's all so simple. She figured the sicker she was, the longer you'd hang on.


[User] We haven't been this close for years. I wanted to hang on to that. Ow!

[Assistant] Oh, please. People hate reruns.


[User] It's my leg. I swear this is real!

[Assistant] What, you pinky swear or you just plain swear? Because �


[User] How can she fake that? [He pulls back Charlotte's sheet. Her left lower leg is much smaller than the right.]

[Assistant] She can't. So, what can shred an epiglottis and make muscle disappear?


[User] Mr. and Mrs. Kutner. They caused Kutner's death. Why not Charlotte's?

[Assistant] Mourning period's over. Foreman's sense of irony is back. I was wrong about the ethnic reason. Step one � change your name back. Step two � if step one fails � move to Bangalore. Step fourteen, if step Thirteen doesn't work, kill yourself.


[User] So what now? You gonna insult your way through his Rolodex till you find someone with an answer?

[Assistant] I've been polite to the friends I've called. All of whom were useless.


[User] They weren't useless. They just didn't know anything more than we did.

[Assistant] Tomato, tomah-to.


[User] MS. Weakens myelin sheath, compromises nerve conduction. I'm talking about Charlotte, the one who's still alive.

[Assistant] [to Foreman and Thirteen] You two, stick her in an MRI. Confirm MS. [to Taub] And you, run the echo on Eddie that you're planning to do behind my back to see if his heart's improving. Did you let me hire a pervert? Kutner's police background check from when he started. He was charged with indecent exposure.


[User] Kutner streaked at the Penn-Dartmouth football game. Precisely the kind of thing you'd expect him to do. It's okay. You should be upset. He thought like you, pushed boundaries like you �

[Assistant] If he thought like me, he would know that living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it.


[User] For the record, I'm uncomfortable violating a dead colleague's dignity.

[Assistant] It's only violating it if you find something. Good to see you.


[User] What are we looking for?

[Assistant] He was hiding. Why?


[User] Shame? Fear? Are you okay? It's okay not to be okay.

[Assistant] [reading a card in a trophy case] "Colonial Warrior Blaster. Number One One."� He spent months tracking this down. He had passions.


[User] He was obviously in pain. Does it really matter why?

[Assistant] He hung the bad with the good. [Looking photos in a twin frame � baby Kutner with his biological parents and him graduating college with his adoptive ones.] His loss beside a reminder of what he'd gained. Means he was open about the pain. Should mean that if it got worse, he had no reason to hide it.


[User] Here's how we're going to handle this, House. We're going to leave here and go to the closest bar and drink and tell stories about the time Kutner almost blew up an OR. And pass out in our own sick. Sound like a plan?

[Assistant] What am I missing? [to Wilson] You've got that look. You figured this out.


[User] You're not here because you care about Kutner. You're here because it's a mystery. You're here for the puzzle.

[Assistant] What if I didn't miss anything 'cause there's nothing to miss? He didn't kill himself. He was murdered.


[User] Autoimmne hepatitis? Did you page Foreman?

[Assistant] Took up Cuddy's offer of time off. Normal thyroid means no hepatitis.


[User] Could be Amyloidosis. Amyloid buildup hits the organs, tissue �

[Assistant] Her muscles wouldn't have atrophied. You run the echo on the husband?


[User] Heart's still failing. The improvement was only temporary.

[Assistant] I prefer the less subtle answer: You were right, House. So! Less time proving why hubby isn't dead, more time proving why Kutner is. [He turns the white board which around to face them.] Motives for murder.


[User] House! it was a suicide. The police have already investigated.

[Assistant] They investigated what they saw, not what they didn't saw. Talk to friends, classmates, pizza delivery guy. And draft Foreman. He can make calls through his tears.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Is that "No, I'm not calling my boyfriend, who apparently called my boss instead of me to say he wasn't coming in?"� 'Cause it's really not fair to have that much subtext in one syllable.


[User] We all want to know why Kutner did it but we're not gonna waste time chasing ghosts.

[Assistant] You're not remotely curious?


[User] Only why a Man who embraces the rational is suddenly pursuing the irrational.

[Assistant] She could have alpha-1 anti-trypsin deficiency. Run her AAT proteins.


[User] IT's been trying to close out Kutner's email account. Apparently someone's still logged onto it.

[Assistant] It wasn't hard to figure out that his password was Kutner. He did what they tell you not to do.


[User] He wasn't murdered.

[Assistant] But his parents were. And the guy who killed them is coming up for parole.


[User] He's coming up for parole. He's not out on parole.

[Assistant] Kutner testified at Every one of his hearings. The guy wouldn't be the first to see the clock ticking.


[User] He was killed by his own gun.

[Assistant] Which he bought years ago, obviously for self-defense.


[User] In the temple. Cops found residue.

[Assistant] Right. The murderer would nEver try to make it look like suicide. That would be unethical. [Cuddy stands up to leave] You haven't asked about my Patient.


[User] You're waiting on an AAT protein results.

[Assistant] Means you checked up to see that I'm still on it. You wanna transfer the case but you won't because you think it's the only thing that's holding me together. Relax. Either I'm right or I'm wrong. We'll know soon enough.


[User] [voice over] She's stable. But whatEver was left of her liver is definitely shot now. And there's no change in Eddie.

[Assistant] So, thanks to her idiotic move, she's dead in 24 hours if she doesn't get a new liver.


[User] It was selfless. She loves him.

[Assistant] How does that disagree with what I just said?


[User] No diagnosis, no liver. No liver, no living.

[Assistant] What do you know. It is myelofibrosis. [He starts writing on the paper.] Says so right here. Who wants to tell Cuddy?


[User] How Many times have you lied to the transplant committee?

[Assistant] Just twice.


[User] How Many times has it worked?

[Assistant] I don't quite see how that's relevant. [His pager goes off. He checks it.] Cheese it. It's the coppers.


[User] [grabbing his pager] We're not just going to leave them to die while you fixate on Kutner.

[Assistant] Technically, he's not our Patient. So I'm really only leaving her to die.


[User] We've already explored the usual options. Shouldn't we at least explore unusual ones?

[Assistant] Absolutely. [He goes to his desk and picks up his phone] Don't worry. This is why God gave me two ears.


[User] Kutner would say we should just come clean with Cuddy.

[Assistant] Wow. If only he were here to say that. I'm sure Cuddy would be bound to fall for the old, "Hey, the dead guy won't mind if we're wasting �"� Need an incurable roMantic to talk to an incurable roMantic.


[User] Kutner wasn't murdered.

[Assistant] You deduced that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?


[User] Suicide means you could have helped him. Murder lets you off the hook.

[Assistant] [shows Cameron two films. He points at the first one] Needs a liver. Has a liver. [He points at the second film.] He can make a partial donation. The faster he agrees, the faster she gets to not die.


[User] Partial won't be enough. She needs a whole liver and he'd nEver survive the procedure.

[Assistant] Nice symmetry, huh?


[User] [gets it] He dies on the table and you give her his whole liver.

[Assistant] If he's gonna do this, he's gonna do this for love. I though he should talk to someone who spoke the language.


[User] You can't do the transplant.

[Assistant] Only if he said no. But your urgent hovering means he said yes.


[User] His fingers have nodules. I think his doctors misdiagnosed him.

[Assistant] Or you sprinkled too much wishful thinking in your tea.


[User] Obese Man with lung cancer � Two easy explanations for his heart failure. Nodules can mean something else. Something curable.

[Assistant] Go back to the ER. My thanks to you and your cold feet.


[User] What's going on? I'm giving you a shot at a cool result. Better yet, a chance to prove other doctors idiotic.

[Assistant] Except you're wrong.


[User] You figure that out by taking off your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?

[Assistant] The guy who killed Kutner's parents died of an aneurism two months ago.


[User] Kutner hid from Everyone. You didn't get a chance to save him. No one did. Run the tests. Find out if you have a chance to save Eddie.

[Assistant] Bad news. Love can't save you. On the other hand, mold can. [He hooks a stool with his cane, rolls it to the bedside and sits.] Your heart failure was caused by a fungal infection called cardiac blastomycosis. It started as nodules in your lungs which Every doc, except one, mistook for cancer. It's very rare, very curable. I'm starting you on itraconazole.


[User] But how come I was getting better without the medicine?

[Assistant] Your emotional state bumped your Catecholamines which helped raise your prolactin.


[User] My emotional state?

[Assistant] Three months of treatment, you'll be back to your buff, Parkseled self.


[User] I don't want the treatment. Do the transplant.

[Assistant] But you'd be trading the certainty that you'll live for the uncertainty that she'll live.


[User] I was ready to die anyway.

[Assistant] Now you get to be nicer to your next wife.


[User] You're basically asking us to commit murder.

[Assistant] I was yesterday too.


[User] There's a difference when he has 20 years to live instead of two days.

[Assistant] Not really. Not legally.


[User] That's your way of convincing us to do this, by saying it's no more immoral?

[Assistant] The idiot is gonna do this with or without us. This way we can protect the organ.


[User] We should be protecting him.

[Assistant] So we strap him to the bed, wait till his wife dies?


[User] She spiked a fEver. LP shows her white cells through the roof. She's infected Everywhere.

[Assistant] I should fire you.


[User] Infection means we have a new clue.

[Assistant] And a full two or three hours to figure it out.


[User] Sarcoidosis hits the spleen and the liver.

[Assistant] She would have lung issues.


[User] Scleroderma inflames the tissue.

[Assistant] No skin or GI pRoblems. [He sighs] What is she hiding?


[User] You don't know that �

[Assistant] [angry] Either we have all the clues and we're idiots or we don't have all the clues.


[User] Possible exposure, people, places.

[Assistant] Both. Bad lie. Did you really think the beaches in Hawaii were just like the beaches in Rio? The disease bearing sand flies are completely different.


[User] She's nEver been to Rio.

[Assistant] Who'd you go with?


[User] Why are you doing this?

[Assistant] I don't actually need to know who it was. I just need to know that you went so we can know that you have visceral leishManiasis. But since Lancelot there was ready to die for you, he might want the answer to both.


[User] [turns her head toward Eddie, slowly] Last year! It was nobody you know. Rio was supposed to be ours. I got tired of waiting. I'm so sorry.

[Assistant] [to Taub on his way out] Start her on antimony and have Cuddy find her a liver. [He looks back at Eddie who is trying to come to grips with this information.] They were ready to die. But for guilt, not love.


[User] I was wrong about you.

[Assistant] No, you weren't.


[User] You're in pain.

[Assistant] And you're roManticizing. Again.


[User] You worked with him Every day for two years and you nEver saw this coming.

[Assistant] No one saw it coming.


[User] But you see Everything coming. This has nEver been about what you missed. This is about why you missed it. You're terrified that you're losing your gift, losing! who you are. And I'm terrified of what you'd do then.

[Assistant] Unless you feel there's more to do here to cure me, don't you have a funeral to go to?


[User] He's seen three different specialists.

[Assistant] Interesting. Almost as interesting as you trying to step into Kutner's shoes just days after he stepped out of them.


[User] If he was trying to fake an illness, why would he consent to be seen by the best diagnostician in the country?

[Assistant] Now who's trying to get her hybrid waxed? We need to do a vestibular caloric test. See if the balance pRoblem starts above or below the neck. [The team starts to get up.] And when I say "we,"� I mean "you."� You're the one with the favor to repay, not them.


[User] That's normal. Sometimes this test causes vertigo [He turns toward Cameron and vomits] and nausea.

[Assistant] Cameron just brought me a case.


[User] Cameron is happy in the ER. There's no way she wants her nose back on your grindstone. [he orders] Egg white omelet, no bacon, whole wheat toast.

[Assistant] I say it's not my grindstone she's after. And not her nose she wants on it. She and Chase are practically living together. What did you just order?


[User] An omelet.

[Assistant] Since when do you pass on the swine? And wheat toast? Might as well eat a sheet of sandpaper.


[User] Yes. But I don't like eating the same thing two days in a row.

[Assistant] Your bro's nurse not lovin' the love handles?


[User] I'm just not in the mood for bacon. And you're obviously trying to avoid talking about Kutner. Which is odd, because you spent a whole week obsessing about why �

[Assistant] He's no longer on my team. I'm sorry he's no longer on my team. Nothing else to talk about.


[User] You're wearing the watch he gave you for Secret Santa.

[Assistant] [displaying the watch] Five functions, including a stopwatch to time how long it takes you to ask me if I'm okay.


[User] You gonna order?

[Assistant] Not hungry. [He takes a Vicodin.]


[User] And you know this because �

[Assistant] She changed her shoes. If he was faking, he'd have vomited on the other side of the bed.


[User] Could also be our only warning before a massive stroke.

[Assistant] Do a Holter and a carotid Doppler. See if his heart skips for more than the spotted owl. [The team turns to leave] Although I didn't say "we."� If I had! {Cameron leaves instead.]


[User] No sight of heart or arterial pRoblems but he's been hiccupping on and off for over a week.

[Assistant] Nice. I'm hooked. You can get back to your shift at the ER. Except, as far as the ER is concerned, you're on vacation, right?


[User] I postponed a trip because I'm concerned about the Patient.

[Assistant] Explains why you ditched Chase and came to differentials, not why you ran the tests.


[User] You told me to.

[Assistant] Well, I'm not your boss, as you usually take great pleasure in pointing out. Hey, you don't still have the hots for me, do you?


[User] I care about the Patient and I care about the people who work on your team. They've been through a lot lately. I just thought I �

[Assistant] Was Florence Nightingale. Yeah. You're gonna nurse us back to spiritual and mental oneness. That would make sense if we were having this conversation a week ago.


[User] Think what you want � that I'm here to get a job, that I'm here to wrap you in swaddling clothes.

[Assistant] The pRoblem is, I think neither. Because neither makes sense. The only thing that does! doesn't.


[User] Pathological hiccups plus inability to balance. Go.

[Assistant] What she said.


[User] Brain would connect the two.

[Assistant] It could, if Cameron hadn't already CT'd his head. Empty as her boyfriend's calendar.


[User] Nothing.

[Assistant] [at the same time] Not sure yet.


[User] It's possible it's not connected to a protest. MS wouldn't show on the CT and his name's Swenson. Scandinavians have an increased susceptibility to MS.

[Assistant] Better theory than he's faking it. The clogs have it. Do a lumbar puncture to confirm MS.


[User] I guess we'll just continue to twiddle our thumbs.

[Assistant] God, I hope that's a euphemism.


[User] How am I supposed to do a lumbar puncture on a Patient with intractable hiccups?

[Assistant] I'm trying to figure out what that could be a euphemism for. [Taub sighs] You'll find a way. [Cameron sighs]


[User] Dr. House?

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm just the Zone delivery guy.


[User] I'm, uh, Doug Swenson's wife.

[Assistant] His history said the environmental kamikaze was single.


[User] He, um, he pRobably didn't want me to worry. He told me he was in jail with some of the other protesters.

[Assistant] Yeah. No worries there.


[User] He's in jail a lot. Not so often in the hospital. I searched his e-mail and I found the referral to you yesterday.

[Assistant] You must really love your husband and travel by rickshaw. It only took you 18 hours to get here. [He puts a forkful of Wilson's lunch in his mouth and makes a very disgusted face.] Who eats kale? It's so bland it doesn't Even taste like kale.


[User] Uh, I had to find somebody to take care of our four-year-old son. Doug's all right, isn't he?

[Assistant] I have no idea. I know he's an idiot. And now I've learned that he's a liar. So we're making a � [As he gets ready to toss Wilson's lunch in the trash, he stops and stares at it.] Who told you I was in here?


[User] The doctor in the office next to yours said that you might be here.

[Assistant] I got it figured out.


[User] That mean we don't need to do the LP.

[Assistant] [indicating Cameron] I was talking to her. You're not Even supposed to be here.


[User] You want us to stop or not?

[Assistant] What? Oh, I don't care what you do with him. You're not doing a favor for a doctor in Philly. You're doing a favor for an oncologist in North Jersey.


[User] I'm spying on you for Wilson?

[Assistant] Spying, preemptive grief counseling.


[User] Wilson sees you ten times more than I do. He's a better liar and he wouldn't have to cancel a vacation to do it.

[Assistant] Good points. Also doesn't explain the diet.


[User] What does any of this have to do with my husband?

[Assistant] Nothing. Meet Mrs. Environmental Nutbag. Or did you keep your maiden name?


[User] He's married?

[Assistant] Yep. Got a kid too. Double threat. Eco-freak and deadbeat dad.


[User] It's torticollis. Reaction to the chlorpromazine.

[Assistant] It's not just a spasm. It's swollen. [He pushes on the bulges which make a slight crinkly sound.] Crunchy.


[User] Most likely, it was there all along. We just didn't notice it till the other symptoms made it worse.

[Assistant] So, what causes loss of balance, pathological hiccups, and a hole in his Gloria Steinem?


[User] He was protesting a lumber mill last fall. Sarcoid's been linked to pine forests.

[Assistant] No. His A.C.E. lEvels were normal.


[User] Progressive systemic sclerosis. Guy practically lives in industrial waste sites. If a solvent got absorbed through his lungs, caused an autoimmune firestorm!

[Assistant] Start him on IV methyl-prednisolone for systemic sclerosis. Do a full work-up to confirm.


[User] By myself?

[Assistant] Without yourself. [to the team] Grab a bat. [to Cameron] Grab some pine. Time to bring in the first string.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] You obviously want to be here. I can't figure out why. I wanna see where you go when you can't be here. [He watches her leave.]


[User] Come on in, House. [He opens the door] Because who else is it going to be at 10:30 at night? And, no thanks, I already ate.

[Assistant] Didn't ask you to dinner.


[User] But you were going to. And, when I explained that I'd eaten hours ago, you were going to move on to your real entr�e, rifling through my kitchen.

[Assistant] Hmmm. Inviting me to search your kitchen. Means that you know that I'd find nothing. Or that you know I'd find something so you're hoping that I'm going to assume the former and I won't bother to look. [He heads into the kitchen]


[User] Or it means it's late, I'm tired, I know you're here to advance some paranoid theory based on a single egg white omelet, and I'd like to get it over with so we can both go to sleep.

[Assistant] Your single omelet theory conveniently overlooks the grassy knoll you had for lunch today. Vegetable and grain gag-athon.


[User] The Warren Commission found no evidence of a second lunch. Possibly because it was stolen from the doctor's lounge.

[Assistant] You're not getting any fatter. Your medical records were clean.


[User] You checked my � ?

[Assistant] You're alone tonight, so it's Kutner.


[User] How could Kutner have any conceivable �

[Assistant] Your Patients live, your Patients die. You float above it all like a medical colossus. But a fellow doctor dies!


[User] That's brilliant. Kutner was a wake-up call that if I didn't eat healthier, I might kill myself.

[Assistant] Mortality is mortality.


[User] And! Ice cream is ice cream. [He takes a half gallon out of the freezer] Full fat content. Quadruple fat content. [He shows House a package of bacon. Next he hands House a bag of Parkps from the shelf above the refrigerator.]

[Assistant] Stuff you haven't eaten just proves you haven't eaten it.


[User] What are you doing to him?

[Assistant] I assume they were checking for vascular pulsations. Either it's negative or he's a big wuss.


[User] It's not a tumor or an aneurism.

[Assistant] [winces and hold the phone away from his ear] Metabolic bone disease?


[User] But the bone covering might not be! If it's osteomyelitis, an infection eating away at his periosteum �

[Assistant] That explains the pain. Odds are it's a subclinical infection that we made worse with the steroids we gave him. Start him on IV antibiotics. X-ray his legs to confirm osteomyelitis.


[User] Cameron's already done a full set of lower-body x-rays.

[Assistant] The infection obviously flared. Do 'em again. [He closes his phone to the sound of Doug still screaming.]


[User] Brittle bones wouldn't cause hiccups. Plus, we'd have seen abnormal coloring in the sclerae.

[Assistant] [drinking something to wash down the pill] Which leaves cancer.


[User] Since when does bone cancer cause hiccups? [He plays with the empty pill bottle.]

[Assistant] Which means it's not bone cancer.


[User] House is right. It'd be hard to find a guy outside Chernobyl who'd been exposed to more carcinogens. Pesticide plants, nuclear waste sites.

[Assistant] Tell Chase to repair the break. You two prep him for chemo.


[User] You want to blast him with chemo for a cancer we don't Even know he has?

[Assistant] Nope. I wanna blast him for with chemo for a cancer that explains the symptoms.


[User] Huh.

[Assistant] Still enjoying your day off, I see.


[User] Why are you prepping him for chemo?

[Assistant] The more interesting question is why do you care?


[User] You're not Even sure that it's �

[Assistant] What I mean is, why do you care from here? You can monitor the Patient from home. What's the difference between here and home?


[User] [dripping with false sincerity] You're not at my home. [normal voice] This has nothing to do with �

[Assistant] Any other differences? Hmm! there's less medical equipment, more training bras, and more Vegemite sandwiches. Actually, technically, right now, Chase is here. But that's because I called him, and you didn't know that. And it's irrelevant to my point. Which is! You and Chase are over.


[User] You are wrong.

[Assistant] You decided that his single drawer of clothes is one drawer too Many. But you don't have the guts to tell him. So! You're emotionally walking away instead of actually walking away. Which is stupid 'cause only one of those is good for your heart.


[User] [long pause] He's gonna ask me to marry him. I was looking for some thick socks. Found the ring.

[Assistant] And you want to say no. So I circle right back to his single drawer of clothes �


[User] I don't want to say anything. I don't want him to ask. Not now. Kutner! We're all a little freaked out. We go home, we just wanna hug someone. We just wanna know Everything's gonna be okay. I don't want him to propose just 'cause he's scared.

[Assistant] Oh.


[User] Her breasts are really tender.

[Assistant] You guys have a hot tub?


[User] No.

[Assistant] She must go to the gym a lot.


[User] Not in years.

[Assistant] Then maybe when you travel on business you zip on down to that complimentary hotel spa.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Sorry, did you just say yes?


[User] He doesn't. What's wrong with her?

[Assistant] Sorry. I'm sure she's got a medical crisis. And I need more time to figure out some leading questions for your wife.


[User] What's going on with Cameron?

[Assistant] She doesn't want back on my team and she doesn't want to jump me.


[User] Okay. [She starts to leave.]

[Assistant] Wha, wha, wha, what? You ask a question. I rule out two possibilities and you're satisfied? That means you don't want an answer. You just wanted to know there wasn't a particular answer. Either you were worried that she wanted back on my team, or you were worried that she wanted back on me.


[User] This isn't a medical crisis, is it?

[Assistant] Could be. A lot of STDs hang in the balance. [He turns back to the door but Cuddy has left. He sighs.] I give up. Vinegar compresses four times a day. Any chance I could just leave it at that? [The husband glares.] No. Pseudomonas folliculitis. It's a skin infection from crowded and contaminated hot tubs, which you obviously use, but not with your husband. [The wife looks guilty. House whispers to her] Tried to help a sister out.


[User] He's bleeding out.

[Assistant] Means it's gotta be cancer.


[User] It's gotta be, except it's not. The biopsy was negative.

[Assistant] Biopsies can be wrong. Symptoms can't.


[User] All signs point to cancer but you can't blast a cancer you can't find.

[Assistant] Sure you can. Prep him for total body irradiation.


[User] You do realize that's insane.

[Assistant] Not unless you think the cancer's clEverly hiding outside his body.


[User] And if he doesn't have cancer, we could cause one or destroy his immune system altogether. The guy could die from an infected toenail.

[Assistant] [getting in the elevator] You'd rather do nothing, just let him die on his own?


[User] That's like pouring gasoline on a fire. At least total body irradiation's an actual treatment.

[Assistant] [thinks] His idea is better. Pour away. I lost my mojo.


[User] Have you retraced your steps? Does your cleaning lady check your pockets before �

[Assistant] I was clueless about Kutner. I was wrong about Cameron. Taub just came up with an idea that I should have seen long before he did.


[User] No one saw anything coming with Kutner. You hardly Ever see Cameron anymore. And you hired Taub to come up with ideas that you wouldn't have come up with.

[Assistant] And I have no idea why you're eating carrots.


[User] Good.

[Assistant] I'm losing my mind. All you got to say is "good"�?


[User] [voice over] Nothing on the echo. We drew a troponin lEvel. No signs of myocardial ischemia. All the tests were normal.

[Assistant] Loss of balance. Pathological hiccups. Air leak between the lungs. Broken femur. Now tachycardia. Go! [Silence] Come on, give me something. Give me a bad idea. Maybe I can turn it into a good one. [Silence] Fine. Open him up and put in a defibrillator.


[User] That's perManent and risky. We don't Even know what, if anything, is wrong with his heart.

[Assistant] Redo all the tests. In the meantime, open him up, put in a defibrillator so he can live long enough for you to finish the tests. [The team leaves.] Balance, organs, nerves, lungs, bones, heart.