[User] We could remove the other one, but since it's not killing her, I thought this way was less insane.

[Assistant] [to O'Shea] Do you have some ethical pRoblem with what I'm doing that you could express in a unique way which might actually make me think that I'm wrong Even though I'll nEver admit it?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] You are funny. [to Foreman] The pRoblem's not in her eye. It's in her head. [to O'Shea] You wanna come over and watch Prescription Passion at my place tonight?


[User] You know I'm not gay, right?

[Assistant] Neither am I. If you don't want to have sex, that's cool with me.


[User] I'm not coming over to your home.

[Assistant] I'll grow on you.


[User] L... P... E... Do I have to be in the same room as him?

[Assistant] WhatEver he's got, you've got. Fifth line.


[User] Are you sure?

[Assistant] Pretty sure. Fifth line.


[User] Am I gonna die?

[Assistant] Can we talk about something besides you for a moment? Like maybe the fifth line?


[User] F... E... O... S... P. [The line is actually PECFD]

[Assistant] Damn.


[User] My eye?

[Assistant] A moment ago, you thought you were dying. Blind's actually good news. Unfortunately, he's wrong.


[User] You just did the test.

[Assistant] She didn't squint. Which means the eye thinks it's fine.


[User] It was wrong.

[Assistant] I know. The eye doesn't think. The brain thinks, which means if the thinking's wrong, the brain's wrong. Which means it's spread to the brain, which means it's too late for us to remove the eye. Which means we're gonna have to remove your whole head. Don't worry. [He holds up a huge meat cleaver.] It doesn't hurt. Hallucination. That's a brain thing, right?


[User] 500 different things can cause hallucination. Doesn't mean it's neurological.

[Assistant] It does if one of the other organ recipients also had a brain issue. Did he just drop his hands? [They're watParkng film of the kick boxing fight.]


[User] No, none of them had brain issues.

[Assistant] If his pupils dilated, if his pupils were fixed, if there was a twitch...


[User] He got hit in the head, he died, no mystery. That was your point.

[Assistant] Yesterday. You live, you learn. Who shot this?


[User] Guy who runs the gym has a camera. Uploads the nasty stuff online.

[Assistant] Can't see the dead guy's face. I can't see his face. Can't see the twitch, can't see the pupils �


[User] I thought I already talked about not judging.

[Assistant] What kind of idiot wears argyle socks with construction boots?


[User] Who is he?

[Assistant] He's apparently a very bad private investigator.


[User] Uh, why is he pretending to fix the coffee maParkne?

[Assistant] Because I wanted to find out what you guys found out before I find out what he found out. So I can find out if I need a private investigator. So, nu?


[User] The kid has a tummy ache. Also, the dead guy was exposed to mercury, mold, and hydrous perchloric acid because their sex pad was next to a garage that was demolished after those toxins were found. Oh, yeah, that will be $2,300. [He pulls a sheet off a mini notepad and hands it to House.]

[Assistant] I'll get you a check.


[User] No, I don't take checks.

[Assistant] You think I'm gonna stop payment?


[User] Aren't you?

[Assistant] Of course I am, $2,300 is insane.


[User] No, actually, that price includes footage of the boxing match from four different angles. 30% of the crowd paid by credit card. I got their names. Four of them had digital cameras, which I composited like NASA did for the pics of Mars. You know, the rovers and all that.

[Assistant] Pupils were dilated.


[User] But he didn't drop his hands, which means he maintained muscle tensity �

[Assistant] Say it.


[User] You were right.

[Assistant] God, that was petty of me.


[User] Does that PI guy mean we don't have to break into people's homes anymore?

[Assistant] It's the whole reason you went to medical school. I'm not gonna take that away from you.


[User] He's better than we are.

[Assistant] And costs more. Gonna biopsy the brain.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Say it.


[User] You were right, but no.

[Assistant] Temporal lobe controls speech, hearing, memory. She loses those things, she's gonna be a terrific date, but beyond that �


[User] We cut out a piece of it, good chance she's a vegetable. Nothing to hear, nothing to say, nothing to look back on.

[Assistant] You're right. She has so much to live for. [They're standing outside the Patient room. They look at Apple.] Do we have another Patient who's almost finished with all their living? [House moves a couple of steps down so they're looking at Frank.]


[User] So it's okay to stab his brain because he's old?

[Assistant] No, it's okay to stab his brain because he's dead if you don't. Get the widow to say yes.


[User] Clear. [zap] Clear. [zap] Clear.

[Assistant] Did you get the consent?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Tell Foreman to get it. Old people are scared of black people.


[User] It won't matter. Patient's dead.

[Assistant] Save the brain. Don't need consent for an autopsy. Well, at best, we're gonna bat one for six on this one.


[User] Thin slices through the parietal and temporal lobes were clean. Occipital and frontotemporal regions were also �

[Assistant] Brain's clean. Moving on.


[User] Or six things wrong?

[Assistant] Metabolic diseases specialize. Everything else specializes, but cancer plays the field.


[User] You're back to cancer?

[Assistant] Metastasis is just a fancy word for screws around.


[User] Any type of cancer?

[Assistant] I don't know.


[User] There would be evidence of cancer.

[Assistant] There is. We just haven't found it yet.


[User] You need it to be cancer so you have an excuse to talk to Wilson.

[Assistant] Give me something else that explains this constellation of Patients, then you can call me an ass.


[User] Perforated intestine. If this thing started as normal bacteria living in the intestines but got into a blood vessel through a vascular anomaly in the bowel wall, then they would affect Every organ through the blood stream. It screws up Everything. For Everyone.

[Assistant] Okay. It's a long shot. It is possible that I'm an ass. Ironically, we need to do a colonoscopy to confirm.


[User] The anomaly would have to be intermittent or they all would have died within a day.

[Assistant] She starts getting abdominal pain, shove a tube up her rear before it can get away. And test anyone else with stomach pain.


[User] Everyone else is dead.

[Assistant] Not Everyone. The one thing the donor gave to each of these people is his DNA. Anyone else have his DNA?


[User] You want to do a colonoscopy on a healthy four-year-old?

[Assistant] She has a tummy ache. If Kutner's right, it's not a tummy ache, it's a fatal brain or heart or lung or liver or pancreas ache.


[User] I'm not gonna scare the hell out of the poor kid's mom because of a long shot corollary to a long shot theory.

[Assistant] Fine. Tell her the truth. Then ask if daddy knows who the real daddy is.


[User] We need her to tell us when it hurts. She'll get over it. Your husband might not have...

[Assistant] What if a kid wants ice cream?


[User] The sign outside says 'closed'. Dr. O'Shea's not right for you.

[Assistant] What'd you find out?


[User] Why are you investigating him?

[Assistant] 'Cause I need to know if he lends money interest-free. What did you find out?


[User] [shouting back] Not until you learn to read. [to House] You're supposed to trust friends.

[Assistant] I don't know the guy. I got no logical reason �


[User] To be his friend? Have you nEver seen an after-school special? That is part of the pleasure of friendship: trusting without absolute evidence and then being rewarded for that trust.

[Assistant] You're taking pictures of a guy who's having an affair with his own sister. And you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust.


[User] There are two types of people that hire me. No, actually, there are three types of people that hire me, but the third type's irrelevant to the point I want to make.

[Assistant] Do you have a special rate plan for being a pain in the ass?


[User] One type wants to find out that they're right. One type wants to find out that they're wrong.

[Assistant] Which type am I?


[User] You're the third type.

[Assistant] You lead with the irrelevant types?


[User] You're the type that doesn't care if you're right or wrong because they've hired me to investigate the wrong person.

[Assistant] That's an actual type?


[User] You want me to check out Wilson. You want to find out if he's �

[Assistant] How do you know about Wilson?


[User] What do I do for a living?

[Assistant] You checking me out? Have I been paying for that?


[User] So far, you haven't paid for anything. You want to find out he's pining. You want to find out if there's something about him that will tell you he's gonna come back or something you can use to make him come back.

[Assistant] [House thinks, then looks away as he asks] Is there?


[User] No, no, there's nothing. Sorry. [long pause] That will be $900.

[Assistant] I gotta go. I'll get you a check.


[User] Colonoscopy was clean.

[Assistant] Then that just leaves cancer.


[User] The fact that the kid's colonoscopy was negative doesn't prove anything.

[Assistant] Yes, the fact that it didn't prove anything didn't prove anything. Excellent point.


[User] The opening would have to be open shortly before death.

[Assistant] Unfortunately, we can't know when shortly before death is until shortly after death. And that seems like an obstacle.


[User] What if there was a way around that?

[Assistant] Then we're kind of all sweating over nothing.


[User] It's not gonna �

[Assistant] Do it.


[User] What if it is autoimmune?

[Assistant] What if we don't have conversations we've already had? Four out of the five didn't linger. They got sick and died. We don't have time to dismiss things we've already dismissed.


[User] Nothing fits.

[Assistant] See, that's an example of a conversation we've already had. She's sick. Something fits.


[User] MS?

[Assistant] [exasperated] No! Okay, from now on, no one says anything unless no one's said it before.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] You guys start immuno-gels on her CSF to look for hidden protein markers. Then start sequencing her genes. I'm gonna start treatment. [He gets his jacket from the coat rack and opens the door.]


[User] Treatment for what?

[Assistant] Cancer.


[User] It's not cancer. Chemo's toxic.

[Assistant] It's something. Which means we should treat her for something. She's fine. Where's her chart?


[User] You rang emergency to get her chart?

[Assistant] I know. That was bad of me. But I'm pretty sure the chart's supposed to be attached to the bed so that gimp doctors don't have to look all over the place while Patients die. [She picks up the chart from the table past the curtains and gives it to him.] Thank you so much. And some peppermint tea when you get a chance. [She gives him a "look"� and leaves.]


[User] You found cancer?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Then you have tests indicating �

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] Then why should I sign it?

[Assistant] That's a good question. It deserves a compliCated answer. Placebo effect. People have confidence in doctors. They have confidence in diagnoses, confidence in medicine. Sometimes they get a little better just because they think they will. And that can make us think that the wrong answer is the right answer. Which is very bad.


[User] So you do have proof that it's cancer but you can't tell me because it might affect the way I react to the medicine?

[Assistant] If that were true, and it would certainly make sense, do you think I could tell you that it's true? [enormous wink. She signs.]


[User] I was practically blind before the transplant � 20/200 vision.

[Assistant] Didn't you cover all this personal stuff with Dr. Foreman?


[User] You don't care who I used to be?

[Assistant] You're a post-corneal transplant math teacher. I deduced that you were a blind math teacher.


[User] I was an arParktect.

[Assistant] [interested] You gave up arParktecture after you could see?


[User] The world was ugly. You think the world would be any different if your leg was fine?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Think you'd be any different if your leg was fine? I mean, the doctors told me that my life was gonna be so much better once I could see. I would date, I would dance, but, uh, the guys I hated dancing with before I hate dancing with after. My parents were still dead. I was still alone.

[Assistant] You're fun.


[User] You don't seem all that different.

[Assistant] I haven't given up. [He leaves.]


[User] Wilson's got a new job, hasn't started yet, but �

[Assistant] So who are we following?


[User] See that lady up there?

[Assistant] You point at the target?


[User] No, I'm following the one halfway in between that point and that point.

[Assistant] [House focuses on the target with his cane.] Pretty. Who hired you?


[User] No one. I just like her.

[Assistant] You're stalking her?


[User] No, no, I followed her out of that bookstore back there.

[Assistant] You are stalking her, just not for very long. So what else can you tell me that I might care about?


[User] He attends this grief counseling thing twice a week where they go around the room and cry about who's dead. Cameron's been to his House sEveral times. They just talk about death and losing loved ones.

[Assistant] What!? [He turns to join Lucas.] If she turns her head, she's gonna see that we're walking the wrong direction.


[User] No, no, no, she won't. I'm very nondescript.

[Assistant] Well, I'm not.


[User] Well, then you stay four feet behind me.

[Assistant] How do you know what they're talking about?


[User] I'm in the same grief counseling group. I recently lost my mother.

[Assistant] You'd get laid more often if you told them you lost a kid.


[User] I didn't lose a kid.

[Assistant] You're a PI who can't lie?


[User] Are you lying?

[Assistant] [simultaneously] No.


[User] [simulataneously] Yes.

[Assistant] Lesson one: Commit.


[User] [over her shoulder as she continues walking] More uncomfortable.

[Assistant] She's not your type. Your type is much stupider than her. What did Wilson say about me?


[User] Oh, you've nEver come up.

[Assistant] In the grief counseling or in the other �


[User] She's better.

[Assistant] I could tell at once.


[User] Can't beliEve it. It's cancer.

[Assistant] It's not cancer. Labs show that our Patient is healthier. She's gonna get sicker. Then she's gonna die. I brought Thai food.


[User] What did you see in her?

[Assistant] Nothing. It's not cancer. All the tests say it's not cancer. They've always said it's not cancer.


[User] Treatment proves it's cancer.

[Assistant] Eh, treatment proves it could be cancer. It's not cancer.


[User] This was your diagnosis.

[Assistant] I nEver thought it was cancer.


[User] You treated for cancer.

[Assistant] I thought that what she had acted like cancer. If it acts like cancer, maybe it'll respond like cancer.


[User] It did. 'Cause it's cancer.

[Assistant] We have to find something that walks like cancer, talks like cancer, tastes like cancer, [pops some food in his mouth] but isn't cancer.


[User] No, we don't. Better is better. Who cares why?

[Assistant] I do. And so does Tetrault.


[User] Who?

[Assistant] The dead tuba player.


[User] Tibalt.

[Assistant] The point is, he died last, but he died. Which means she's gonna die too.


[User] Tibalt wasn't receiving cancer medication.

[Assistant] There's a cancer drug that's used off-label for arthritis.


[User] There's no record of arthritis.

[Assistant] Did you interview all the tuba students?


[User] If he had joint pain in his hands, he couldn't have played.

[Assistant] Then it wasn't in his hands.


[User] Then why do we care about his students?

[Assistant] One of them is Canadian. Brought him methotrexate so he could hide his arthritis. Already couldn't afford his insurance. And that little piece of business cost me $700. I'm gonna pass it on to the Patient with a steep mark-up.


[User] This makes no sense.

[Assistant] I know. She's dead unless we can find what's cancer... but not cancer. [They all think, silently.] Something's missing. I need an epiphany. [Wilson stares at him, tight-lipped.] What are you billing out at, $300 an hour? Here's four.


[User] There are other oncologists.

[Assistant] Better oncologists. But I need you. [He balls up the money and throws it past Wilson into the apartment.] Let me describe the symptoms, pRoblems, issues, and you say whatEver you feel like saying, until something triggers an idea in my head.


[User] That's not the way it works.

[Assistant] You have a way of thinking about things. It's sloppy, it's undisciplined, it's not very linear. It complements mine. It drives me down avenues that I wouldn't otherwise �


[User] House, please go away.

[Assistant] Cancer, but not cancer. Responds to cancer treatment, but there's no � [Wilson tries to close the door but House blocks it.] How are you?


[User] Don't do this. Please. Please. Don't do this. I'm trying to move on.

[Assistant] By hanging out with Cameron, talking to Cuddy, Foreman, but not me. I! [short, mirthless laugh] I paid a private investigator to spy on you.


[User] [sighs] You didn't.

[Assistant] You want to move on from me, you got to deal with me, talk to me.


[User] You had no right �

[Assistant] We're not friends anymore. There's no trust to be breached. I can have you followed, I can call you names, tell your secrets. [They look at each other.] Foreman did a CT. Temporal and frontoparietal regions are normal. Occipital lobe, normal.


[User] I have the right to walk away from you, House. There's a world beyond you. You need to realize that, and Even if you don't, I'm moving on. The next time you knock, I'm not answering.

[Assistant] Nothing yet. Keep talking.


[User] I'm sorry.

[Assistant] You charge me for listening in on my own conversations?


[User] Yeah, why wouldn't I?

[Assistant] How Many friends do you have?


[User] 17

[Assistant] Seriously? You have a list?


[User] No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought.

[Assistant] Well done. I have one. Had one.


[User] You know, friends are important. You're gonna miss�

[Assistant] Shut up. Friends allow you to not sit in a room by yourself. Are you charging me for this?


[User] Are we friends?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Then yes.

[Assistant] Do you wanna be my friend?


[User] No. You scare me a little.

[Assistant] He thinks if he's not a friend, he can't talk to me. We can talk, we can be two huMan beings talking �


[User] I'm with him. Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.

[Assistant] Yes, you did. I was in the middle of a sentence.


[User] Yes, I did. You're repeating yourself.

[Assistant] I'm grateful. Make your point.


[User] It's like that "cancer, but not cancer" thing you were talking about before. Friends are friends, customers are customers, and Everything else is Everything else. If it's not, nothing's nothing.

[Assistant] And anything can be anything. [looks at his watch] 10:10. Stop the clock. [He starts walking away.]


[User] What?

[Assistant] The world is not as ugly as she thinks it is. Cancer, but not cancer. Doesn't make any sense unless... [He pulls an x-ray from a folder.] Brain, but not brain. Occipital lobe's normal. But her eyes suck. That lobe should be compensating. Since it's not, that tells me that something's in there that shouldn't be in there. Brain, but not brain.


[User] Why are you in my office?

[Assistant] To find the anomaly, I need to chop off the top of her head. Pretty sure I need your approval for that.


[User] I'm gonna trust your first instinct.

[Assistant] I'm not usually confused when you say things like that.


[User] I'm ordering her cancer treatment to be continued. [Holds up a bill.] Why does it cost $2,300 to fix a coffee maParkne?

[Assistant] Cancer stem cells are real. They explain Everything. They're like embryonic stem cells. They become whatEver they want. Donor had them, the recipients got them. They floated around, they landed on an organ, got bathed in cytomes and partially differentiated. And the key word there is partially. In the tuba player, they became lung, but not lung. In the tennis player, they became heart, but not heart. Stop me if you've figured out the pattern. They looked as if they belonged, but they weren't doing their jobs. And when they were really needed, boom. Chemo worked because cells are basically tumors. Chemo shrunk them. [He looks at her.] You're still gonna say no, aren't you?


[User] You've no proof.

[Assistant] I have the brain scan.


[User] The normal brain scan.

[Assistant] This is why I need to take off her head.


[User] To treat or to prove you're right?

[Assistant] To treat. Chemo's not killing anything. It's just hiding the real pRoblem. She's gonna crash. If we wait until she does crash, it might be too late.


[User] So the next step is what? I say no, and then you do something to make her crash so that I'll think you've proven your theory?

[Assistant] I would nEver do that.


[User] She's crashing!

[Assistant] [on intercom from observation area] You might want to check her IV. From here, it looks like saline instead of chemo.


[User] Yeah, they look identical.

[Assistant] Still. You should pRobably check.


[User] You switched her meds?

[Assistant] How could I? I had no access.


[User] [to the neurosurgeon] Close her back up.

[Assistant] Do the surgery.


[User] There's no reason to �

[Assistant] No reason not to. The stupidly dangerous part is already over with.


[User] Is that someone's brain?

[Assistant] Except for the part that isn't brain.


[User] Hey, that's the Patient I � You said she'd be fine.

[Assistant] I'm a better liar than you are.


[User] I swapped her meds. I mean, she's got a brain pRoblem. I coulda killed her.

[Assistant] Yup. The neural net will show us how fast her neurons are firing. If there's something in the way, say... Brain that's not brain, the normal neural impulses will be sucked into a vortex because they're unable to do their job. The computer will then process it and give us a picture of where to cut.


[User] Cool.

[Assistant] Excuse me?


[User] Sorry, I thought that's what you wanted to hear. You think all this is amazingly cool. And you have no one else, so you're paying a guy to listen. Sorry �just trying to save you some cash.

[Assistant] I'm on the clock.


[User] House?

[Assistant] [looks at monitors next to him.] I see it. Can you get it?


[User] I think so.

[Assistant] Turns out you didn't kill her.


[User] Why are you just standing there, Dr. House?

[Assistant] How'd you know who it is?


[User] I can smell you.

[Assistant] Yeah, like you're a field of roses. [He pushes the emergency buzzer for the nurses. The same two enter.] Peppermint tea.


[User] You Ever hear of the boy who cried wolf?

[Assistant] NEver really bought that. I don't care how often a kid cries, he's being eaten by a wolf, mom's gonna come running. [The nurses leave. To Apple.] The world is ugly. People kill. They go hungry. [He buzzes again. Just one nurse comes in.] Just proving a point. [She leaves.] People are asses.


[User] Why are you telling me this stuff?

[Assistant] Because the world is not as ugly as you think it is. Your transplanted cornea's fine, your eye is fine, but your brain wasn't working right. I'm gonna take the gauze off your eyes now. It's gonna be bright.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] The brain cells that weren't brain cells were in the way of processing visual information correctly. After the transplant, you could see, but not see.


[User] I could see. I could read.

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was dull, or foggy, or gray. I don't know. What I do know is that you were not seeing what Everyone else was seeing.


[User] And now? Things are gonna be... beautiful?

[Assistant] Things'll be what they are. [He removes the last of the bandages.] How do I look?


[User] You look sad.

[Assistant] Hey. Is there any way I could put you on retainer?


[User] What do you mean? It's her portrait. [She looks at him, puzzled.] What's wrong with it?

[Assistant] Why's this in here?


[User] First column, last entry.

[Assistant] [looks at it and smiles] Today is going to be a good day.


[User] This him?

[Assistant] [simultaneously] No.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] She means are you the private investigator whose bills I've tried to slip through as medical expenses?


[User] This hospital's not putting a private investigator on retainer. Nor is it gonna pay any more phony repairs on vending maParknes, cryostats, or elevators.

[Assistant] Information saves lives. Saving lives saves money.


[User] [leaving] Uh! thank you.

[Assistant] You don't like her shoes. You like her legs.


[User] It sounds less creepy if you say shoes.

[Assistant] Less creepy, more gay.


[User] That's my firm's motto. What is a cryostat?

[Assistant] No idea. WhoEver fixed ours is about to get stiffed. [He balls up one of the sheets of paper and tosses it in the trash can. Two points.]


[User] If he's like the other struggling artists I've known, he's also into drugs. We should! [to House] What are you looking at?

[Assistant] Apparently, a moron. One, ER routinely tests for drugs. If it was positive, we wouldn't be looking at this file. Two, who pays 12% interest on a car loan?


[User] How did you �? Did you run a credit check on me?

[Assistant] No. That would be illegal. Interestingly enough, paying someone to run it for me, though! [The entire team looks annoyed.] What? It's part of my job.


[User] Your job is to diagnose Patients.

[Assistant] Which I do with the team. How am I supposed to know how best to utilize that team if I don't know Everything about them? Say that Van Gogh turns out to have neurosyphilis, and our last vial of penicillin is in a storeroom at the end of a 20-mile hallway with a two-foot high ceiling.


[User] You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?

[Assistant] No. I would nEver out someone's super powers. [He wheels his chair to his desk and gives Thirteen a pile of papers that was there.] This, on the other hand!


[User] Who needs an MRI with contrast, we've established that. What do you got on Taub?

[Assistant] I got nothing on Taub.


[User] Could also be environmental. We should check his studio for toxins, mold, fungus.

[Assistant] Taub's wife, on the other hand!


[User] House. That's enough.

[Assistant] Dad's right. This is no time for gossip. A Patient desperately needs our help. Check his head and his House.


[User] Can't Lucas �

[Assistant] [grabbing report out of Thirteen's hand] Nope. He's very busy.


[User] His place was clean.

[Assistant] So is his head. Even with contrast, no masses, no lesions. A neurological symptom with no apparent neurological cause.


[User] Time course means we can rule out cancer and MS.

[Assistant] Just leaves toxins or drugs.


[User] You called Thirteen a moron for thinking it was drugs.

[Assistant] Yeah. When she said it, she had other options. And I really just wanted to segue into her stupid loan and your �


[User] He'll nEver consent to petrosal vein sampling.

[Assistant] Really?


[User] He was nervous about an injection of contrast.

[Assistant] Is his girlfriend hot? I'm not talking fEver here. I mean, is she all curvy and perky?


[User] Very! and if he dies, it's good news for all of us, but �

[Assistant] That explains why all his paintings suck. And what's wrong with him. [He starts to leave.]


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To tell him he may have a massive brain tumor.


[User] He doesn't.

[Assistant] I know. I'm not a moron. It's drugs. You seem to have a massive brain tumor.


[User] [entering] He's Dr. House. He's pleased to meet you.

[Assistant] We found no trace on any of your imaging, so we need to cut your head open. It's risky, but it's the only way to save your life.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Wrong answer.


[User] I'm not allowed to say no?

[Assistant] You're not allowed to not be terrified. There's only two good reasons not to be terrified in a hospital. You're delusional. But then you're not afraid of contrast material either. Or you know you're fine. Since we haven't told you you're fine, you obviously have information that we don't have. What drugs are you on?


[User] His drug tests were clean.

[Assistant] Drug tests only test for drugs they've made tests for.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] Hottie thinks that he's a great artist, selling art to the rich and tasteful. She's stupid enough to be fooled by the canvases, but bank accounts don't lie. He needed money. [to Brandon] There's not Many jobs you can do that don't require time, training, and intelligence. And I know you're not a news anchor or a supermodel, 'cause those jobs seldom cause agnosia. [to Thirteen] He's a guinea pig. Companies pay him to test their untested drugs. [pause. Brandon doesn't say anything.] Did hottie go for a pee or coffee? Either way, I don't think we should waste any time on denials.


[User] Three.

[Assistant] Admirable. Not Many idiots have that much ambition. You've been symptom-free since your admission, so whatEver you took has pRobably cleared your system now. You'll be fine. [to Thirteen] Keep him overnight, just to make sure, and get the names of all the trials he's been in. [He starts to leave.]


[User] You gonna tell Heather?

[Assistant] [as he's closing the door] Couldn't, Even if I cared enough to want to. Not bad. You almost made it the whole day.


[User] What'd you find out?

[Assistant] The point is to see how Everyone reacts. Let me go get the rest of the gang.


[User] Cut the crap, House.

[Assistant] Your wife has a separate bank account in her name only. She's been making weekly cash deposits for about a year now. No withdrawals! yet.


[User] That's it? A bank account?

[Assistant] A secret bank account.


[User] What makes you think it's a secret?

[Assistant] Because if it wasn't, you'd call it "the" bank account.


[User] Damn. Always forget to use the right article when lying. It's not secret. We're refurnishing. We set the budget, set up an account. I just couldn't make it to the bank the day we opened it.

[Assistant] You're spending almost $100,000 on furniture?


[User] He said you told him he was better. What's happening? What's wrong with him?

[Assistant] She is hot. Obviously the drugs weren't out of his system.


[User] None of these drugs, nor the drugs that they're derived from, are known for causing seizures.

[Assistant] By themselves, no. But three unproven, untested drugs? It's like the mod squad. No one could stop them.


[User] Ridiculous that they let people take potentially dangerous drugs for money.

[Assistant] Just to short-circuit that discussion, people should not be testing drugs because they're desperate. But people won't test drugs unless they're desperate. We need drugs to save Parkldren and puppies. Ergo, we need desperate people. Ergo, welfare kills sick Parkldren.


[User] First drug �

[Assistant] Why don't we call it bisexidrine? [The others stare at him.] Clinical trials involve experimental drugs. Means they don't have comforting, catchy names yet. Just random, unmemorable trial numbers. [to Thirteen] Go ahead.


[User] Bisexidrine is designed as an anticoagulant. Phase one indiCated some risk of nausea, ED and insomnia. Second drug.

[Assistant] Cuckoldisol.


[User] She is having an affair?

[Assistant] Worse. Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional. Can be easily regretted. Money is always a calculated decision.


[User] My wife has her own bank account that House doesn't think I know about.

[Assistant] Shocking. Discuss.


[User] Which is the third drug?

[Assistant] Worldssorestkneesisil. [Kutner smiles] Cuddy used to have that title, by the way.


[User] There's a million ways these drugs could interact if they're doing what they're supposed to. If they're not, two million.

[Assistant] And it'd be interesting to know which of those interactions was causing the pRoblem. Unfortunately, we don't have to. We just have to stop the interacting.


[User] If we don't know which �

[Assistant] Stop them all. Put him on dialysis. Clear out his system.


[User] Rapid detox risks arrhythmia, another seizure, hepatic failure.

[Assistant] Difference is, we know what those risks are. Put him on dialysis.


[User] You were right about the dialysis. He made it through the night without any more seizures or visual symptoms.

[Assistant] And I am going to be just as right after breakfast up in my office. The only difference is I'm gonna be right in front of other people. Which means you're not here to talk about the medicine.


[User] You can screw with me all you want at work, but stay out of my personal life.

[Assistant] What did she say?


[User] Did you just hear what I said?

[Assistant] I heard the part about "you can screw with me at work all you want."�Want my advice?


[User] Of course not.

[Assistant] Good, 'cause I have no idea what you should do. I only know what you're going to do. You're gonna �


[User] I said I didn't want your advice.

[Assistant] I said this is not advice. You are going to forgive her for opening that account, and you're going to confess Everything you've done, and then you're gonna beg her to forgive you.


[User] What purpose could that possibly serve?

[Assistant] None. Which is why I'm not saying you should. But you will.


[User] What's your end game?

[Assistant] Where are you?


[User] [in the clinic waiting area] At the track.

[Assistant] That's, like, six miles away. How cool are these things?


[User] I feel like an idiot. The Woman sitting next to him shifts further away.] I'm not giving you any more of my stuff.

[Assistant] You have those night vision goggles?


[User] No.

[Assistant] You're lying.


[User] You like making him miserable. You like driving people away from you.

[Assistant] He deserved to know the truth.


[User] There was no truth until you dug it up.

[Assistant] You do know that stuff exists Even when you can't see it, right?


[User] [whispering] It was a truth that mattered to him and a truth that mattered to her. Why did it matter to you?

[Assistant] First of all, stop saying "a" truth. There is only one truth.


[User] That may be true for you.

[Assistant] [leaving the elevator and talking loudly] Miserable people save more lives. If your life has meaning, your job doesn't have to have meaning. Screw-ups are more palatable if you have someone's arms to go cry in.


[User] Yeah, that makes sense.

[Assistant] Usually I have more of a fight on that one.


[User] So why are you making Taub miserable?

[Assistant] I just said!


[User] Could be his immune system's on hyperdrive. Cytokine storm.

[Assistant] [studying papers in front of him] Why would you pay for a three-year gym membership and only go twice? [The others stare at him.] Sorry. You guys still diagnosing? Thought we'd finished hours ago. You remember, when we decided it was the unproven, unapproved cocktail of drugs he's been downing like! well, like a cocktail.


[User] He just completed a total dialysis. If it was the drugs, he'd be better.

[Assistant] Or he'd be worse. [pause] I take it none of you saw Trainspotting.


[User] You think swelling is a symptom of withdrawal?

[Assistant] You think it's a coincidence that three new symptoms cropped up as soon as we took him off the drugs?


[User] It's possible some of the symptoms �

[Assistant] [fiddling with pill bottle] Either the drugs are the answer, or the drugs are a coincidence. If it's one, we have to find a better way to detox him. If it's two, we have to know which symptoms are withdrawal-related before we can formulate a diagnosis. Which means we have to find a better way to detox him. [takes Vicodin]


[User] So how do we do it?

[Assistant] Hair of the drug that bit him.


[User] That's ridiculous. If it is the drugs, they're dangerous, and they've already caused �

[Assistant] That's why we're gonna put him back on the drugs, and then wean him off again. Just much slower. [The fellows look at Foreman.] Why are you looking at him?


[User] Try it out.

[Assistant] You heard the boss! Go! Taub �


[User] Drugs could have set off a dorMant neurological condition.

[Assistant] Good point. Coming clean can cause a lot of damage. Alienation, divorce.


[User] My wife's buying me a car.

[Assistant] I was talking about the Patient.


[User] You were wrong.

[Assistant] Divorce was metaphorical.


[User] What about Kluver-Bucy syndrome? Bilateral lesions in the temporal lobes. Visual agnosia and hyper-sexuality are the key symptoms.

[Assistant] Good thing he's got that girlfriend. If it's Kluver-Bucy, his brain'll melt down, he'll try to swallow his own hands, and she can take care of him for the rest of his talentless life.


[User] You owe me an apology. Any rationalization you had for meddling in my private life disappeared when she had good reason �

[Assistant] You're right. Fact is, nothing I said applies. You had no reason to forgive her. Therefore, no reason to seek forgiveness. No reason to be an idiot.


[User] Withdrawal complications.

[Assistant] Then again, she is handing you a giant gift that you don't think you deserve.


[User] The damage can be a circulatory issue rather than structural. We wouldn't see that on the MRI.

[Assistant] Foreman's right. [to Taub] Go call your wife, tell her you're not coming home 'cause you have to give the Patient a cranial MR angiogram. Then say good night and hang up.


[User] Odd that a Man who can't run would own so Many pairs of sneakers.

[Assistant] [hands Lucas his jacket] You wanna hang this up when you're done?


[User] I have to find something embarrassing about you.

[Assistant] No, you don't.


[User] I ordered us Indian. Not too embarrassing, just something credible.

[Assistant] [getting beer from the refrigerator] Well, if you hand her that, she's not gonna need you anymore.


[User] Well, if I don't hand her anything, she'll think I'm incompetent.

[Assistant] I don't care if she thinks you're incompetent.


[User] This isn't gonna work.

[Assistant] It's worked so far.


[User] No, I'm no good at lying.

[Assistant] I know. That's why your cover is that you want to do her. [takes Vicodin]


[User] I like her. I don't wanna do her.

[Assistant] Then what's the point of liking her?


[User] I meant I don't just want to do her. I like her. What do you think you're gonna find out about her?

[Assistant] Something! personal. Something embarrassing. I spend half my life negotiating with that Woman. Anything I can use to scare her into saying yes.


[User] Okay.

[Assistant] Okay? You're okay with being paid twice to facilitate blackmail?


[User] Here it is. Circle of Willis, the vessels are narrow.

[Assistant] Narrow for you, normal for him. If there were pRoblems with the vessels, he'd have had symptoms long ago.


[User] Not if something else changed.

[Assistant] Like?


[User] His heart. He could have recently gotten an intermittent arrhythmia.

[Assistant] I know "heart" and "head" start with the same three letters, but you gotta read all the way to the end.


[User] The experimental drug is causing arrhythmia, which causes low blood pressure. Combine that with those narrow vessels, the brain doesn't get enough blood. That causes all of his symptoms. If we can trigger the arrhythmia and identify it, we might be able to stop it from killing him.

[Assistant] Been home?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Good. Do an EP study. Find the arrhythmia.


[User] How long you plan on keeping me from going home? Until you're convinced I'm a different person, one who won't do anything stupid?

[Assistant] Guilt fades quickly. By Wednesday, you'll be fine.


[User] Right ventricle. And why do you want it to fade? Why do you suddenly care about my marriage?

[Assistant] Because! if it ain't broke �


[User] You obviously think it is broke.

[Assistant] You obviously think it ain't. Your marriage is like a broken toaster. Bread keeps popping out, and you keep calling it toast. Which is weird, because you've put your bread in a lot of toasters and apparently you don't see any difference. It's kind of fascinating.


[User] What's wrong?

[Assistant] Good news. The test is working. Your heart's freaking out, but it's cool that you're still conscious.


[User] Going again, charging to 120.

[Assistant] Have you been dyeing your hair? [He's inspecting Brandon's temples.]


[User] House, clear.

[Assistant] Right. [steps back]


[User] Ow.

[Assistant] The hair is growing in red.


[User] His heart rate is stabilized.

[Assistant] [to Taub] Does your theory include any genetic mutations that could cause his hair to change color? Either he's lying about dyeing! or just dying. Red hair means it's not Kluver-Bucy. Melanin affects hair color. What affects melanin?


[User] Age.

[Assistant] He's turning prematurely crimson?


[User] A genetic disorder. Waardenburg syndrome causes arrhythmias and can change hair color.

[Assistant] And make you deaf. Next.


[User] Found a long QT interval. I think it's RoMano-Ward syndrome.

[Assistant] Explains the irregular heart rhythms. But not the ginger nut.


[User] If he's got RoMano's, he's got at least five gene mutations. Not a big leap to think he has others that would give him the hair.

[Assistant] It also gives him the likelihood of sudden and unexpected death.


[User] Beta blockers don't work. His heart can't handle an ICD.

[Assistant] Pete Best. [The others look at him, waiting.] Good God! Has none of you Ever read a history book? The original Beatles drummer. A bunch of nerves controls the tempo of the heart. They're all playing in time, except one dude can't keep the beat. Wrecks the whole thing. So we hire Ringo.


[User] Pete Best was actually a great drummer, but I assume you mean the Patient needs a cardiac sympathectomy?

[Assistant] PRobably should have just said that, huh?


[User] Start cutting nerves, you risk his swallowing, vocal cords, sweating.

[Assistant] So he saves a fortune on karaoke maParknes and deodorant.


[User] You think he's stable enough for surgery?

[Assistant] If he was, he wouldn't need it.


[User] This isn't progressing. It's there, then it's not, then it is. It's a new symptom, intermittence.

[Assistant] It's irrelevant. [He's pacing and the other two follow him.]


[User] Since when is a new symptom irrelevant?

[Assistant] Since it points towards the same disease. Intermittence can fit with RoMano-Ward. We still need to do a sympathectomy.


[User] Maybe we missed something. Toxins.

[Assistant] When? When you checked Every bottle, Every can, Every tube of paint? Or when you detoxed him twice?


[User] He's lost weight since he got here.

[Assistant] That's a symptom of trying to cram hospital food down a throat he can barely get air down.


[User] It's not a symptom, but what if the toxins were stored in his fat cells a year ago, and now they're being released into his bloodstream?

[Assistant] So where you gonna get this old paint? City dump?


[User] On his old paintings. We know he hasn't sold one in ages. But there weren't Many in his studio. He's hid them somewhere.

[Assistant] If you're wrong, he could drop dead from RoMano-Ward at any moment. You okay with that?


[User] Just give me a few hours.

[Assistant] You got one.


[User] It's not the paint, it's the drugs.

[Assistant] He's not on the drugs. [He sits down.]


[User] I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm looking at his paintings for the last six months. They're normal April, June, and August. But they're distorted May, July, September. [He shines a light on a different painting as he names the month each was painted.] Every other month, he was having visual agnosia, because Every other month he was on all three drugs simultaneously. The statin was one month on, one month off. I don't know why the symptoms keep coming and going, but it is the drugs.

[Assistant] They're hiding under the stairs.


[User] In the fat? That doesn't make sense. These drugs aren't fat soluble.

[Assistant] I said stairs, not closet. What was the last drug he was on before the drugs he was on when the symptoms started?


[User] I'm not sure. I think �

[Assistant] Antacid.


[User] How do you know?

[Assistant] It makes sense. Also, I'm looking at the file.


[User] She didn't buy it.

[Assistant] Damn. So you didn't get anything.


[User] Nothin'. We pRobably overstepped. You're really not the cheerleader type.

[Assistant] On the other hand, I figured she pRobably wouldn't figure me as the "photoshopping a photo and planting it in an obscure college paper" type either.


[User] Heh. Yeah, about that. I took a little trip to your alma mater.

[Assistant] You took a little trip 150 miles.


[User] Online, by phone. I meant I did research. [House sits and picks up a guitar. They start improvising together.] That's a real photo, isn't it? [no answer] Wow, that is humiliating.

[Assistant] There was a girl.


[User] Even more so. That's too bad. You wanted her to see you in a different light, and! not only didn't she see it! She didn't Even beliEve it was possible.

[Assistant] You know, people hate people who have theories about people.


[User] You want me to back off?

[Assistant] Would you?


[User] Are you okay?

[Assistant] I picked Cameron's pocket down in ER. I came up with a doozy.


[User] Your mother called � twice.

[Assistant] She's still healthy. This 25-year-old Woman, on the other hand!


[User] Her messages sounded kind of urgent.

[Assistant] Well, that's the way women sound when their spouse of 50 years dies. [He goes into his office, hanging his cane from the top of the doorframe as he enters.]


[User] Your dad died? Are you �

[Assistant] Yep. Fine! Our Patient, who's been known to take a few drinks on non-occasions, vomits blood and collapses on a trip to Parkna. Parknese surgeons cut out a foot of bowel, but the pain is worse now than it was before.


[User] House, call your mom.

[Assistant] What are you, my mom?


[User] We can continue this differential in five minutes.

[Assistant] Are those bags under your eyes? You were up all night. You told her, didn't you?


[User] I don't know what your daddy issues are, but don't deflect them on me.

[Assistant] [to the others] Told his wife he's been getting some strange. She kicked his adulterous tuchus to the curb.


[User] Anybody read Parknese? Otherwise, we have no idea what these doctors did to her.

[Assistant] Kutner, you're sort of Asian, right? Get it translated.


[User] What about Meckel's diverticulum? If the surgeons didn't remove the diverticulum, it can cause pain, bleeding.

[Assistant] Too high up for a colonoscopy. CT could miss it. Ultrasound's fastest. And since I'm fastest with the ultrasound!


[User] House, let me do the ultrasound. You need to deal with your dad and stop �

[Assistant] I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow. Seriously, I'm fine. I didn't Even like the Man. No Meckel's. [He hands her a box of tissues.] Were you there for the rice or the reeducation camps?


[User] I was there to track down my biological parents.

[Assistant] Like a salmon returning to the stream where it was born. Did you become whole again, or did you get eaten by bears?


[User] They denied my existence.

[Assistant] Four parents, and not one of them taught you to cover your mouth.


[User] Doctor, we're her parents.

[Assistant] I'm just a technician. Her doctors will be by later. You can schmooze then.


[User] Can you let them know that we, uh, we went by her apartment and collected all her medication.

[Assistant] I'm a technician and a doctor.


[User] [quietly, to House] Did her drinking cause this?

[Assistant] No. [He finds a plastic baggie that interests him.]


[User] Can you tell her it did?

[Assistant] Licorice root.


[User] Uh, no, thanks. I'm good.

[Assistant] I threw it to you for a reason. That's what the Parknese doctors gave her. It contains glycyrrhizin.


[User] [quietly] They were treating her for! [very quietly] SARS?

[Assistant] Not very effectively. But SARS explains the cough, causes hypoperfusion, which explains the ischemic bowel. It's perfect.


[User] Lung involvement isn't very sEvere.

[Assistant] [getting on elevator] Okay, well, so call it "ARS." Start her on ribavirin and interferon.


[User] Sorry about your father.

[Assistant] I'm not. Are we done emoting now?


[User] If there's anything I can do, just �

[Assistant] You know, you're right. I don't think I can sleep alone tonight. [Cuddy produces a syringe.] And you can tell me that that is liquid Vicodin.


[User] We're giving IG shots to Everyone who came in contact with your Patient. Shockingly, none of the nurses volunteered to administer yours. [He starts to roll up his sleEve.] It goes better in a large muscle. Drop your pants.

[Assistant] [He stands, unbuckles his jeans and leans on the desk.] You know, I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that.


[User] [gives him the shot] The funeral's tomorrow.

[Assistant] My mom called you?


[User] There is a 3:40 flight out of Newark. If you leave now, you can be in Lexington tonight. Your mother wants you to deliver a eulogy.

[Assistant] "Eulogy," from the Greek for "good word." Now, if she asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to �


[User] Then be a grown-up. Call your mother back and tell her that you're sick with grief, but you're too busy to be there.

[Assistant] She knows when I'm lying.


[User] I am not doing this because I care.

[Assistant] Cuddy drugged me. She! My mom didn't call Cuddy. She called you. I knew you couldn't stay away. I knew you loved me too much.


[User] I'm doing this for your mom.

[Assistant] I'm not doing this at all. If there were something to be done, I would have done it in the year he spent dying. [He checks his pockets.] You took my Vicodin? I'm in pain. [Wilson pulls the Vicodin bottle from his inside pocket, opens it and gives House a pill, all without looking at him.] One? So the Vicodin is my leash. One'll take the edge off, but it won't give me enough relief for an escape back to Plainsboro. [He swallows it.] Where's my phone? [Wilson ignores him.] It's the team. It's their ring tone. [nothing] Forget it. The Patient's blood is on your hands.


[User] House? You there?

[Assistant] I'm being held against my will. Call the police!


[User] We need to pinpoint which defect she has so we can start her on the right anticoagulant. Draw her blood. Let's find out which genetic gift her genetic parents gave her.

[Assistant] Thanks for calling. [He disconnects the phone.] My ring tone for you is "Dancing Queen," by Abba.


[User] Nicole?

[Assistant] I need to pee. Pull over at the next stop. [Wilson hands him a plastic bottle. House tosses it over his shoulder into the back seat.] I'll just pee on the floor. [He looks at the floor, grins and picks something up.] You bought used floor mats? That is brilliant. [He rolls down the window, tosses the mat out and starts to unbuckle his pants.]


[User] There's a rest stop in five miles.

[Assistant] Cane.


[User] The restroom's right there. You can make it on your own.

[Assistant] I suppose I could talk about the summer he decided he wasn't speaking to me. Two months, not one word. Anything he wanted to say, he typed up and slipped under my bedroom door.


[User] You don't want to say anything, don't say anything, but go. Tell your mom you're sad for her.

[Assistant] Just by being there, I'd be lying.


[User] She wants to think, for a moment, that she had a happy family. So give her a gift � lie!

[Assistant] Give me my cane, I'll go to the damn funeral. I said I'd go to the funeral. I didn't say when.


[User] This is why we prefer inside.

[Assistant] You actually keep a flashlight that doesn't need batteries in the trunk? Next to the jacket, emergency water, nail clippers, tooth brush, space blanket �


[User] You know, those aren't just my car keys. My House keys are on there too. Amber gave me that key chain.

[Assistant] No, she didn't. Not unless your pet name for her was "Volvo." [Wilson goes back to the trunk and pulls out another wind-up flashlight.] A Man who would lie about a gift from a dead girlfriend!


[User] Is pRobably responding to a Parkldish, pointless act of petulance.

[Assistant] The struggle to resist one's captors is nEver pointless. Vive la r�sistance!


[User] Well, I hate to break it to you, Che, but simple delay won't work. Your mother will hold the funeral till we get there.

[Assistant] [shakes head] My father was a punctual Man, beholden to time. Two minutes late for dinner, you didn't eat. My mother would nEver disrespect him by starting the funeral late.


[User] Yeah, yeah, you clearly have no issues to work through.

[Assistant] Come on, forget the keys. Call a locksmith. We'll go inside and play "guess that smell" with the truckers while we're waiting. Join me on the dark side.


[User] So he was a bastard. He was still your father. You're biologically programmed to have feelings for him.

[Assistant] No, I'm not.


[User] Feelings aren't rational. I know you have trouble with anything that can't be quantified and counted.

[Assistant] He's not my biological father. [Wilson looks at him.] I figured it out when I was 12.


[User] Of course. You were a brilliant, socially isolated 12-year-old, and you create a parallel universe in which your life doesn't suck.

[Assistant] I look at the facts. First of all, he was deployed on training exercises off Okinawa during the time I had to be conceived.


[User] And since you're 150 years old, air travel was impossible.

[Assistant] His second toe is longer than his big toe. Mine isn't.


[User] This is sad. You don't beliEve your mother screwed around �

[Assistant] I have a distinctive red birthmark on my scalp that matches a certain friend of the family.


[User] If you beliEved this story, you wouldn't be telling me about his birthmarks. You'd be telling me about the genetic testing you had done. [House notices a police car ahead of them.] And since you haven't mentioned it, obviously, you didn't do it. Because you don't want to � House, what are you doing? [House has jammed his cane against the accelerator.] Get your � get off the � there's a cop!

[Assistant] Uh-oh.


[User] I think we may need to call House again.

[Assistant] You lost track of your speed? I think that was Hitler's excuse. Lost track of the Jews. No one held him responsible.


[User] I'm not playing, House.

[Assistant] You were protecting me. Anybody in their right mind would have ratted me out.


[User] I'm just trying to speed things along. You are going to this funeral.

[Assistant] Make it fast. I don't want to miss the anal cavity search.


[User] Looks like a mass in the pancreas.

[Assistant] Not to me. This is radio. And I want a full play-by-play.


[User] Just get out of the car, sir.

[Assistant] Cyst?


[User] Large cyst. Something going on there?

[Assistant] Wilson's getting arrested. How large? SUV sized, or mid-range sedan?


[User] Seriously? What'd you do?

[Assistant] I'm obviously joking. If Wilson was getting handcuffed on the hood of his car, would I be carrying on a differential?


[User] Diameter is at least eight centimeters.

[Assistant] [whistles] Is it in the tail or in the head?


[User] [at House's window] You too, sir. Out of the car.

[Assistant] [ignoring him] We've got a construction site. A steamroller is plowing �


[User] This is a waste of time. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] I need that phone call. I'm a doctor, and when someone tries to call you three times, it's code for "pick up the damn phone before someone dies."


[User] I'm sure there's other smart doctors.

[Assistant] You'd be surprised.


[User] [to House] You told me you'd taken care of this.

[Assistant] I did.


[User] First words you Ever said to me.

[Assistant] I took care of it. You must've screwed up somehow.


[User] It's a really old warrant. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this kind of thing?

[Assistant] It's suspended when you flee the state.


[User] I was fresh out of med school. I didn't know anybody at the convention.

[Assistant] You heard the Man, Wilson. You don't have to explain.


[User] [very angry] I am not gonna sit here wasting time just so you can avoid your father's funeral! [Costello looks at them, interested.]

[Assistant] He's my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral.


[User] "Leave a Tender Moment" is a good song.

[Assistant] It's a great song. He was out of line.


[User] So I � I asked the Man to stop, politely.

[Assistant] Yeah, you yelled politely.


[User] I was polite the first couple of times, but courtesy made no impression on this ass. So I threw a bottle into the mirror, which successfully conveyed my message.

[Assistant] And smashed a ten-foot antique mirror. And set an example to two other patrons who threw shot glasses.


[User] I think I have the picture. I assume you're the guy who was playing the song.

[Assistant] No, I was the guy who bailed him out.


[User] This guy was a total stranger to you, and you bailed him out?

[Assistant] It was a boring convention. Had to have somebody to drink with.


[User] And there's the foundation of our entire friendship. If you hadn't been bored one weekend, it wouldn't Even exist.

[Assistant] Hey, there were 3,000 people at that convention. You were the one I thought wasn't boring. That says something.


[User] It also says something that you lied to me about getting the charges dropped!

[Assistant] I got a Lawyer. He cut a deal. You didn't call the guy? You have to show up at the arraignment. Everybody knows that.


[User] [reading a fax] You can go.

[Assistant] What? He � he's a fugitive from justice. That whole story was lies. He stabbed a Man.


[User] [unlocking the handcuffs] Louisiana doesn't want to pay to get you back.

[Assistant] Forget Louisiana. He was driving recklessly through your comatose village. Do they put lead in the jelly doughnuts here?


[User] They're not now. It's not the gallstones.

[Assistant] Well, of course it's not gallstones. Who thought it was gallstones?


[User] You said "steamroller."

[Assistant] I also said "construction site."


[User] Gallstones could cause a pancreatic cyst.

[Assistant] [to Wilson] Will you just turn around. The thing is two hours over already, and that's the third time we passed that colonial with the cross burning out front.


[User] I'm not lost.

[Assistant] I'm not talking about what caused the cyst. I'm talking about what the cyst caused. Everything.


[User] Cysts are symptoms, not diagnoses.

[Assistant] Unless it's a multiple cyst, with connections to other organs! like a steamroller.


[User] Bubbles.

[Assistant] Is that your new stripper name?


[User] Yes. And also, we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift. If they end up in the other organs, we know you're right, cut it out, she's fine.

[Assistant] Bubbles is right. Go echo. [He hangs up.]


[User] I'm so glad you're here. Oh, it's a load off of my mind just to see you. [She hugs House.] Thank you, James.

[Assistant] Mom, how could you delay the funeral?


[User] Honey, your dad is dead. He's not going to care. Do you know what you're going to say?

[Assistant] I don't know. Just let the minister or one of his buddies from the corps!


[User] The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want!

[Assistant] [quietly to Wilson] I am not talking We were strangers who shared some geography 30 years ago.


[User] Right, he had no influence on you at all. The father who was compulsive about punctuality.

[Assistant] His issue. Which I deliberately made not my issue.


[User] Thereby making it your issue. Compulsively showing up four hours late, ignoring discipline, ignoring rules.

[Assistant] [looking around] Oh, God, he's here.


[User] Who's here? [looks] The one you're pretending is your father? Nice pick. He looks like Sean Connery. So back when you were devising this fantasy, did you tell your father: "Dad, I refuse to recognize your existence because I have chosen James Bond as my dad"?

[Assistant] I used different words.


[User] What? Hearing that your own son hates you so much he's replaced you in his mind? That's gotta suck. How did he take it?

[Assistant] I already told you. He didn't speak to me for a summer.


[User] [at the podium] It means more to me than � than I can say to have all of you here today. And now, uh, our son Gregory would like to say a few words. [House doesn't move.] Greg?

[Assistant] There's a lot of people here today. Including some from the corps. And I notice that Every one of them is either my father's rank or higher. And that doesn't surprise me. Because, if the test of a Man is how he treats those he has power over, it was a test my father failed. [Wilson looks embarrassed. Blythe looks worried.] This Man you're eager to pay homage to, he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, and he did not accept anything less than � He loved doing what he did. He saw his work as some kind of! sacred calling. More important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son. But I am what I am because of him, for better or for worse. And I just � I just wish �


[User] Put it back.

[Assistant] Well, he's not gonna miss it.


[User] I'm done enabling. You can't Even let them put him in the ground without making it serve your agenda?

[Assistant] You really want to do this in front of Everybody? You wanna punish me or them?


[User] How can I still feel surprise? You would take, Even this, a moment of real huMan grief, and turn it into a farce.

[Assistant] Oh, cut the crap. You enjoy what I do. I nEver had to force you. You like coming along for the ride.


[User] Yes, that's why I'm cheering you on now.

[Assistant] This is about you needing to be prepared for the worst. So you become an oncologist. No surprises there. Worst happens all the time. But Amber, she was young and healthy. Her death came out of nowhere.


[User] Don't bring Amber into this.

[Assistant] And you weren't ready. That makes you angry. The world sucks, and you didn't have time to brace yourself.


[User] What happened out there is your show!

[Assistant] You're scared to death of losing anyone that matters. So you dump the person who matters the most to you!


[User] I'm not scared to death. I'm moving forward!

[Assistant] Because no one can take away from you what you no longer have.


[User] Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Your father's death is about you. Amber's death is about you. I can't imagine why someone wouldn't want to be your friend!

[Assistant] Admit it, you're angry and you're scared of losing me.


[User] I'm not angry, I'm not scared.

[Assistant] Admit it.


[User] I'm not afraid.

[Assistant] Admit it.


[User] I've lost people. It happens.

[Assistant] Admit it. Admit it!


[User] What are you, five? Stop repeating �

[Assistant] Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Come on, admit it. Admit it! Still not boring.


[User] Did you know I was gonna do that? Because I didn't know I was gonna do that.

[Assistant] I know you have trouble losing people. In New Orleans, I saw you carrying this express package around the conference. And you wouldn't let it go, but you wouldn't open it. So I peeked at the return address.


[User] Diamond, Fairbairn.

[Assistant] Divorce attorneys. Your first wife had just served you with papers.


[User] Did you know that when you bailed me out? Were you! doing something nice for me?

[Assistant] What did I say about being boring? [He picks up his phone and starts dialing.]


[User] Hello? It's House. [turns on speakerphone]

[Assistant] How'd the bubble test go?


[User] House?

[Assistant] The images aren't grainy.


[User] They sure look grainy.

[Assistant] I've seen pictures of you where you look tall. It's iron overload. Creates speckles on the image, makes it look grainy. Also makes her pancreas fail, her blood clot, and her intestine �


[User] Atrial myxoma is more likely.

[Assistant] MRI for a better view. And call me back and tell me you're embarrassed because my eyesight is better 500 miles away. I need a phone number. I'm a doctor in New Jersey, treating one of your clients. A young Woman looking for her biological parents.


[User] You know, you could just wait for the MRI to have your curiosity satisfied.

[Assistant] What person who is nothing like me are you saying that to? Did the parents look tan? The disease she has is genetic, which means they should have it too.


[User] They don't look more tan than anyone else.

[Assistant] Discolored teeth?


[User] They're farmers � the village doesn't Even have a dentist.

[Assistant] Right. Thanks.


[User] But if it matters, I'm not convinced they were her parents.

[Assistant] Why not?


[User] Because they said they have no daughter. The Man was adaMant, and the Woman seemed confused and frightened.

[Assistant] Thank you. [He hangs up and turns to Wilson.] Differential. Say you're a middle-aged Parknese Woman!


[User] Fine.

[Assistant] Say it.


[User] I'm a middle-aged Parknese Woman.

[Assistant] Girl comes to you, says that she's your long-lost daughter. Why would you be frightened?


[User] I'm frightened because she's a threat? Maybe she knows something?

[Assistant] She hasn't seen you since she was an infant.


[User] Maybe an inheritance issue.

[Assistant] They're peasants.


[User] Her very presence is a threat. She � what year was she born?

[Assistant] '83.


[User] She's not supposed to be alive. Parkna introduced the one-Parkld policy in 1979. Say they didn't want a girl. They tried to kill her.

[Assistant] Maybe the baby doesn't die. Maybe the father panics or regrets it. Takes the baby to an orphanage. Maybe he doesn't tell his wife.


[User] Who freaks out like she's seen a ghost 25 years later when the girl shows up.

[Assistant] Why does attempted murder from 25 years ago suddenly become relevant to her health now?


[User] Maybe they gave her something toxic. It would have to be fat-soluble.

[Assistant] This is fun, isn't it? Let me see the MRI.


[User] She started vomiting as soon as we started the scan.

[Assistant] Then let her vomit through the MRI. That's what nurses are for. [Taub takes the file and leaves.] Her parents tried to kill her. I don't know how, but I know it caused her to get sick 25 years later trying to lift a Buddha. Explain. I already had this conversation with Wilson � just go with it.


[User] Poison?

[Assistant] Buddha wouldn't make it worse.


[User] Maybe the weight stressed her back, which �

[Assistant] Makes sense if she's nEver lifted anything in her life.


[User] She actually didn't get sick till she tried lifting it that second time. I'm guessing the weight changed.

[Assistant] [epiphany] Anybody have Taub's pager number?


[User] What's up?

[Assistant] Maybe give him a call. If he tosses that switch on the MRI, she's dead. X-ray her brain. Pins. Push them through the soft fontanelle of an infant, you skewer the brain, and the hair hides the entry wounds. It's the perfect crime.


[User] What changed at the temple?

[Assistant] Same thing that changed in the MRI. Shockingly, not all religious leaders are honest. I'm guessing these particular monks are bilking the faithful by pushing a magnet up Buddha's butt. There's another one under the table that'll repel or attract, depending on how you shift them. When she picked up that magnet, it moved one of the pins deeper into the sympathetic nervous center of her brain. This sent a signal through the nerves to the blood vessels in her small intestine, which caused the symptoms in Parkna and in the giant magnet we call an MRI. She's lucky. We're all screwed up by our parents. She's got documentation.


[User] I hear your Patient's gonna be all right.

[Assistant] Is that why you're here? A colleague checking up on a Patient?


[User] Something goin' on?

[Assistant] I'm celebrating. [He hands Wilson a sheet of paper from his desk. Wilson looks at it, then back at House.] My mom hated him too.


[User] Your DNA test showed no match? That's incredible. At the age of 12, you actually figured out your father wasn't your birth father? That's what you wanted, wasn't it? Why should it depress you?

[Assistant] It doesn't depress me. Doesn't make any difference at all. That's what depresses me.


[User] Well, I guess nobody gets to choose who their parents are. I'm not Even sure anymore if we get to choose who our friends are. [pause] I spoke with Cuddy. She hasn't filled my position yet.

[Assistant] If you're coming back just because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness! [Wilson smiles slightly] I'd be okay with that.


[User] I'm coming back because you're right. That strange, annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died.

[Assistant] You hungry? [Wilson nods. House gets up and they head for the door. House stops.] Wilson.


[User] Yeah?

[Assistant] My dad's dead.


[User] House.

[Assistant] (putting up a finger to stop her) Eh.


[User] (walking toward him) I have a case I think you might be interested in.

[Assistant] (turning quickly and heading out of his office) Not now.


[User] A 26-year-old Woman had a tonic clonic seizure.

[Assistant] What about me speeding away says to you "let's chat"?


[User] History of fatigue, and two years ago she had a retinal vein occlusion.

[Assistant] She's diabetic.


[User] No, she's not. And she has no history of hypertension. (She holds out the file to House, which he ignores)

[Assistant] (approaParkng Wilson's office) It can wait. I knew I should've set up a video camera. Stay there. Oh, my goodness. I played a practical joke on my best friend, and he's badly injured. I wish I had learned this valuable lesson earlier. I was waiting by my window for an hour. Why are you late?


[User] I had a breakfast meeting at Mickey's Diner with the Mercy people to tell them! (Wilson sees a donut on a plate and a carton of milk behind the bookshelf) I'm coming back to work here. (He pulls the plate and the milk toward himself) Sorry if it interfered with your plan to maim me. (pause) Donut's a nice touch. (He takes a bite of the donut)

[Assistant] (turning and opening the door to leave) It's my way of saying "welcome back." (House leaves. Cameron is still waiting in the hallway)


[User] The seizure could be the result of dehydration or something neurological. (She holds out the file again which House takes this time)

[Assistant] (looking at the file) Or the ecstasy you found in her system.


[User] According to Dr. Hadley, the Patient took the drugs about five hours before the seizure, so!

[Assistant] (obviously curious) What does Thirteen know about it?


[User] Uh, apparently she was with the Patient last night.

[Assistant] (looking at the file again) At 3:00 AM? (Cameron shrugs) (lecherously) Oh, yeah! PentHouse forum meets medical mystery. Maybe there is a God. (He heads back to his office) Empty transient sex? (to Thirteen) I've been waiting for you to spiral out of control, Ever since you got your Huntington's diagnosis, but this is more than I dared hope for.


[User] Not diagnostically relevant.

[Assistant] Depends what we're trying to diagnose. It's how steep of a spiral you're on.


[User] Also not diagnostically relevant. Retinal vein occlusion was fixed. Her doctor said it was a venous anomaly.

[Assistant] Is he in this room? Because if he's not, I don't care what he thinks. Unless he's a she and she was there last night too, in which case I care very deeply.


[User] She parties till 3:00 AM. That's why she's always tired.

[Assistant] Yet you seem fine.


[User] Makes sense. Bone marrow's in overdrive. Too Many platelets. (to Thirteen) Sorry.

[Assistant] Thirteen, go stick a needle in your girlfriend's pelvis. And no, that one wasn't a metaphor. Suck out some marrow. That one was. I like to watch. (He follows her out the door)


[User] I can handle this alone.

[Assistant] You've already handled it. That's why you need a chaperone. Of course, I'm a very permissive, understanding chaperone. So feel free to ignore me. You know, if you're in the mood to start kissing, or groping, or showering.


[User] You're Dr. House?

[Assistant] I assume my name came up last night in the form of a moan. You had sex, then a seizure. Could be a particular position or activity that set it off. (to Thirteen) That sounds like a valid medical theory, doesn't it?


[User] WhatEver you think we did, we � we did. And then some.

[Assistant] Lights on or off?


[User] Do you have a medical rationalization for that one?

[Assistant] Light sensitivity.


[User] On.

[Assistant] Figured she had more shame than that. Did she talk dirty, or did you rely on vague hand signals? (House is writing something on a clipboard)


[User] She's, uh, pretty direct about what she wants.

[Assistant] I'm learning so much. Okay, score the score. Scale of one to ten.


[User] (wincing from the pain) SEven.

[Assistant] (holding up a piece of paper with a large number 7 written on it) Finally got one right. (Thirteen looks thoroughly disgusted)


[User] You want to investigate him because he ate a donut?

[Assistant] He claimed he had a morning meeting at Mickey's Diner. Wilson loves Mickey's Diner. He has the French toast tower whenEver he sets foot in the door. There's no way he would've come to work wanting more carbs. He lied to me. I need to know why.


[User] What do you think you'll find out?

[Assistant] I'm worried that he might be, a spy.


[User] He's been gone four months. You're worried the friendship has changed.

[Assistant] I'm just not sure if he's working for Hirohito or the New England Patriots.


[User] You played a practical joke on him. He didn't laugh.

[Assistant] I need something to lord over him, a lie �


[User] He didn't try to retaliate. He moralized.

[Assistant] He always moralized.


[User] He always moralized and got Even. He hasn't fired back.

[Assistant] Things always change.


[User] And that sucks.

[Assistant] Yeah. Find out where he was. (House gets up and leaves)


[User] We had to use paddles to stabilize the Patient's heart.

[Assistant] Eye issue, brain issue, now a heart issue. Sounds like a real case to me.


[User] Yeah, I get it. I was wrong. Can we move on?

[Assistant] You're just upset! Because the whole time she was with you, she was thinking of my huge, thRobbing! Diagnostic skills. Drugs would explain Everything.


[User] This morning, you rejected drugs.

[Assistant] That's when I thought that Thirteen was right and was just jerking her around. Cardiac arrest means she could be a serious user.


[User] That means that something she did at my place set this off. Either she brought drugs in, or she grabbed something from my medicine cabinet. And that means my place needs to be searched. Now, I'd be happy to do that myself, but unfortunately that would be far less titillating for House, so he's about to come up with some convoluted medical reason why I have to stay here while he goes through my stuff.

[Assistant] Patient's dad had bypass surgery. Means she's a candidate for atherosclerosis. She needs an ultrasound. That was much less convoluted than what you just said.


[User] I'm not giving you my keys. If you want to do this, I'm going.

[Assistant] Who could pick a lock?


[User] I'll go. Make sure he doesn't steal any underwear.

[Assistant] You're a disgrace to your stereotype. Move over.


[User] Think you can pick a lock faster than me?

[Assistant] No need to pick. (House shows Foreman a key and uses it to unlock the door)


[User] Nice. Steal from your employees.

[Assistant] NEver. I had my dick make keys when I hired him to dick up the team. Always imagined she'd have a sex swing in the living room.


[User] Give me my key.

[Assistant] Don't have your key.


[User] You expect me to beliEve that you hired Lucas to investigate Everyone except for me?

[Assistant] Waste of money.


[User] I already know Everything about you.

[Assistant] (pointing with his cane) Thirteen had her purse. That's gotta be the Patient's. Check it for drugs. I call shotgun on the bedroom.


[User] You know that I stole a car when I was a teenager. You know that my mom has Alzheimer's. You know nothing else. (Foreman has put on latex gloves and is searParkng the purse)

[Assistant] Want me to have you investigated? When did you get so needy?


[User] Purse is clean.

[Assistant] Last night wasn't the first time that Thirteen brought home some strange.


[User] You found her diary �

[Assistant] No toys. You sleep with the same person over and over, that's when you need accessories. First time is plenty exciting on its own. (He takes something from the drawer) Unless! You think an asthma inhaler could be used as a sex toy? (He gets up of the bed and gives the inhaler a squirt)


[User] There are ways of getting to know people without committing felonies.

[Assistant] People interest me. Conversations don't.


[User] (both are smiling) Like Thirteen.

[Assistant] (to Thirteen) Brown recluse. Found it at your apartment. Their venom can cause seizures and heart pRoblems. Unless the ultrasound showed anything �


[User] No. What room did you find it in?

[Assistant] Bathroom. Nice bidet, by the way. Very refreshing.


[User] I don't have a bidet.

[Assistant] Oh. Spider's not the only interesting thing I found. (He pulls the inhaler out of his jacket pocket)


[User] Who cares?

[Assistant] He doesn't. He's just surprised he didn't know. You withhold things other people would nEver bother to. The move, a little wheeze, whatEver you thought was in my pocket instead of your inhaler. Maybe I should make a return trip to your place.


[User] Spider bite doesn't explain anything unless the Patient was actually bitten by a spider. (He stands up) I'll do the exam.

[Assistant] Don't be ridiculous. That would be inappropriate. It'd be better if a Woman gropes her. There's no sexual tension that way. (Thirteen stands to go do the exam)


[User] Blood test confirms low potassium lEvels. Explains the numbness in her hip. It's not good, but I think we've got time for at least one or two comments about my personal life.

[Assistant] Which you just wasted with that comment about my comments. Low potassium means her heart pRoblem was a symptom of a kidney pRoblem. What caused the kidney pRoblem?


[User] Could be IgA nephropathy.

[Assistant] Not without blood in the urine.


[User] PSAGN?

[Assistant] Not with normal blood pressure.


[User] Renal tubular acidosis. Her kidney's don't filter acid out of the blood. Excess acid drives down potassium, causes kidney calcifications.

[Assistant] If it's RTA, all she needs is sodium bicarbonate for the acid and surgery to remove the calcifications. CT her kidneys. If you find calcifications, we have our diagnosis. (House continues on down the corridor, Thirteen heads back to Spencer's room) What's he doing now?


[User] He's playing that carjacking video game. He'd get a lot farther if he didn't stop at all the red lights.

[Assistant] Maybe he was doing something he thinks I'll mock him for.


[User] Like!

[Assistant] Just about anything.


[User] You don't think it's that.

[Assistant] I don't think it's just about anything?


[User] You don't think it's about anything trivial. If you weren't worried, you wouldn't be sitting in my car.

[Assistant] Maybe he's seeing a shrink. Doesn't matter if it isn't. Wilson doesn't buy his "pizza."� There's eight units in this building. There's got to be a pervert like me living in at least one of them.


[User] The breathing pRoblem started after we fixed her kidney pRoblem. Means the RTA isn't the underlying cause.

[Assistant] Where's Thirteen?


[User] Traffic's bad. She's pRobably just �

[Assistant] Not here.


[User] It's not her lungs. No masses, no infiltrates.

[Assistant] Her lungs are working, but she still can't breathe.


[User] That could signal autoimmune or some kind of dystrophy as the underlying cause.

[Assistant] There's only one way to find out if her airway failed. Make it happen again. Stick Thirteen's carpet cleaner on a treadmill. Methacholine challenge. And someone find the carpet. (The team leaves)


[User] Just spoke to my brother.

[Assistant] And by brother, you mean?


[User] I mean my parents' other son.

[Assistant] Wow. Same dad.


[User] Got a call last week from your PI. You lied. You did have me investigated. You've been taunting the team with what you've learned, but you nEver came after me. (grinning) Means you couldn't find anything.

[Assistant] You're right. That's because you haven't done anything stupid, spontaneous, or Even vaguely interesting since you were 17. And that's just sad. (The elevator door closes)


[User] (to House) I found her in the clinic giving herself IV fluids.

[Assistant] At least you could've let her finish. She looks terrible.


[User] She has a fresh nightclub stamp on her wrist. She's in no condition to practice.

[Assistant] Unless this is a prelude to an actual spanking, there's no reason for me to be �


[User] But I can suspend you until you do.

[Assistant] (to Cuddy) Because she went to a nightclub in her free time? Or because she had sex in her free time? Patient was undergoing routine surgery for RTA. Didn't need Thirteen here for that. And I don't need you making my employees punch a clock or pee in a cup. (to Thirteen, nodding his head toward the door.) Let's go. (Thirteen hesitates) (opening the door) Come on. (Cuddy looks stunned)


[User] (as they walk into the clinic area) Thank you.

[Assistant] By the way, (they stop) the surgery was not routine, Patient stopped breathing and you missed a differential. You're fired.


[User] What? You just defended me.

[Assistant] No, I just prEvented you from getting a drug test. PRobably saved your career. I'm already taking responsibility for one doctor with a drug habit. (He pops a Vicodin)


[User] I don't have a drug habit.

[Assistant] The slutty party girl is fun till she pukes on your shoes. Then she's just a pain in the ass. (He leaves Thirteen looking confused) I haven't sat on this couch for four months. It remembers my cheeks. I miss this.


[User] Me too. Me trying to work. You interrupting.

[Assistant] Oh, come on. Your Patients can wait five minutes. Get me caught up. Come on, what did you do? Travel? Did you get a new hobby? Did you meet someone?


[User] Actually, yes. I sort of, started, dating someone.

[Assistant] Great. What does she do? Is she! an actress?


[User] No. Why would you think that?

[Assistant] I just figured you'd want something a little more! Exciting!


[User] She's not! You're gonna find out anyway because you're gonna meet her. She's! a prostitute. Used to be. She made some mistakes. Single mom, had some drug issues. But! she's so smart. She wants to go to law school. And! I told her I'd help her with tuition.

[Assistant] How long have you known her?


[User] I knew you'd be like this.

[Assistant] I asked a question.


[User] House! You are a drug addict. You go to prostitutes. You can't be judgmental.

[Assistant] And yet.


[User] Please, don't do this to me. I was hurting, and I wanted to feel good. I didn't expect it! to go this way. I! Amber! Said that she wanted me to move on. That she wanted me to! Be happy. And � Debbie, makes me happy.

[Assistant] If you're happy, I'm! (He gets up suddenly and disappears out the door, leaving Wilson looking puzzled)


[User] Lung cysts plus all her other symptoms could be Amyloidosis, which we can Manage. Or pulmonary fibrosis which �

[Assistant] Thank you. My employees can take care of it from here. (He sits down behind his desk) We need to biopsy the cysts.


[User] You fired me because I screwed up. I just proved I can pull my weight.

[Assistant] All you proved is you know how to make an entrance.


[User] House, she deserves another shot. She found the cysts, saved the Patient.

[Assistant] Who wouldn't have needed saving if Thirteen had shown up at the differential in the first place.


[User] Give her her job back, House.

[Assistant] Or what? You're gonna quit? Go do the biopsy. (Taub and Kutner leave)


[User] (to Thirteen) I'm sorry. (He follows Taub and Kutner, leaving Thirteen standing alone in front of House)

[Assistant] How much clearer do I need to make this? (Thirteen looks at House and then, clearly upset, turns and walks out of his office)


[User] What does that Even mean, "dating a hooker"?

[Assistant] He's an idiot with a messiah complex. Savior to all who need saving. That's why his first wife had a wooden leg. Second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved.


[User] From you or the ho?

[Assistant] The ho's just using him for his money. Wait. Bad example.


[User] Normally in these situations, I'd follow the girl, find out something embarrassing about her to show him. But since that's our starting position!

[Assistant] Proceed directly to the leg-breaking.


[User] I'm not breaking her legs. She pRobably has a pimp. Or, at least, an older brother. Or a younger brother. Or overprotective sister.

[Assistant] Find her, find her family, find client number nine. Just get me something I can use to force her to back off.


[User] (approaParkng the bench) Sorry to interrupt your meeting, Mannix. Here's the result from the lung biopsy.

[Assistant] Why not men? You're bisexual. If you were just being self-destructive, you'd be having random sex with men. Better chance of getting assaulted, catParkng a disease. If this were just about getting laid, it'd be a lot easier to pick up men. Or ugly girls. This Woman's hot. Which means you like the challenge, the conquest. It's the control that gets you off. And controlling women is as close as you can get to controlling what's gonna happen to you.


[User] Here I thought I was just into boobs.

[Assistant] Instead of getting sweaty with a stranger, why don't you try taking it to the next lEvel? Play God. (he hands Thirteen the file) Tell a girl that she's got ten years to live. She has LAM. (Thirteen looks down at the file)


[User] (closing the file and looking up at House) Okay.

[Assistant] This is not a test. You're not getting your job back if you can �


[User] All her blood counts are down. It's a new symptom. Aplastic anemia.

[Assistant] Does the word "fired" have some whole other definition that I'm not aware of? (He turns to face Thirteen)


[User] I don't work for you. Fine. Don't pay me. Just let me finish out this case.

[Assistant] So you like her now that she's dying. What happens if she stops dying?


[User] Or mastocytosis, which can cause systemic shock and kill her in days.

[Assistant] Go. Test for Everything. (Taub, Kutner, and Foreman leave) (to Thirteen) Not you. You're just a visitor.


[User] I'm glad you're here.

[Assistant] She needs a bone marrow transplant.


[User] Test results are back? What's she positive for?

[Assistant] Nothing. But we've got a donor match.


[User] Jumping to a transplant when we don't know what she �

[Assistant] I know she has a blood disorder. Could be PNH. She needs a bone marrow transplant. Or leukemia. She needs a bone marrow transplant. Or thalassemia. She needs a bone marrow �


[User] Yeah, I get it. But she'll nEver survive total body irradiation.

[Assistant] So we don't radiate her. Her marrow's nearly wiped out already. Counts almost zero.


[User] "Almost" being the key word. The new marrow would attack the old marrow. She'll die from graft-versus-host.

[Assistant] You got a better idea? She trusts you. Go get her consent.


[User] Sometimes I find out things you'd rather not know. (House opens the bag to rEveal a used syringe) This was in his trash. He's using. (House grins)

[Assistant] You're back. Genius.


[User] Damn. I knew the fake works was too much.

[Assistant] Well, you had no choice. (He closes the door and sits down on the couch) Where were you gonna go after fake hooker girlfriend? How did you know he was outside?


[User] Cane prints. I'm actually kind of insulted. No way I'm a drug addict, but you completely buy that I fell in love with a prostitute?

[Assistant] You played to your strengths. By which I mean you played to your weaknesses. (House suddenly realizes something) Oh, my God. You invoked your dead girlfriend's name to sell me. You're my hero.


[User] Best $30 I Ever spent.

[Assistant] It's $30? Did you keep her number?


[User] Unfortunately, I killed her and buried her in the basement.

[Assistant] Shame. Hungry?


[User] Yeah. (Wilson gets up)

[Assistant] So, seriously. Where were you the other morning?


[User] Ugh, don't make me do this again. It has nothing to do with you.

[Assistant] Then tell me.


[User] (putting on his jacket) We're going bowling on Monday. I'm coming over to play poker this weekend. Nothing's changed. You have to trust that.

[Assistant] (too compliantly) Okay.


[User] You're gonna keep following me, aren't you?

[Assistant] It's what we do.


[User] She said yes to the transplant.

[Assistant] Good. You're in a downward spiral of destruction.


[User] I can stop.

[Assistant] You're gonna keep spiraling. Keep screwing around. Slashing away at Every person who tries to help until no one tries to help anymore. Till you hit bottom. Till you're dead. Until then! I can use you.


[User] You're hiring me back?

[Assistant] You did good work.


[User] I did good work yesterday, and I was still fired. What changed? (with sudden realization) You wanted me to spend time with her. See if I could still make a connection.

[Assistant] You connected with a diagnosis, not with her.


[User] You're trying to save me, trying to control me. You're doing exactly what you think that I'm �

[Assistant] (noticing something) Cracks. You're lips are cracked. (Thirteen puts her fingers to her lips) You been using your inhaler lately?


[User] Allergies. Don't deflect. You always deflect.

[Assistant] (thinking) Did she cry? When you told her that she was gonna die, did she cry?


[User] She! got upset. She �

[Assistant] Were. there. tears?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Chopping an onion releases a mist of syn-propanethial-s-oxide, a chemical irritant (House holds the cut onion in front of Spencer's nose while trying not to tear up himself) which causes people to have a very predictable reaction.


[User] She has no tears.

[Assistant] It was either this or put on Brian's song. I didn't have time to stop by Wilson's. (House puts down the onion, reaches for a tissue and wipes his eyes) She has Sjogren's. It attacks the glands that produce tears and saliva. Also, by the way, causes lung cysts and RTA.


[User] It doesn't cause bleeding.

[Assistant] It's like you and men. Just 'cause you usually don't, doesn't mean you can't.


[User] And it doesn't cause cracked lips in other people.

[Assistant] Lack of spit makes her mouth a breeding ground for a fungus like Candida. (House picks up the cutting board and the onion and moves it aside) Your asthma inhaler did the same for you. Wiped out your mouth's immune system.


[User] So she's got what I've got.

[Assistant] Just the opportunistic infection, not the underlying condition. Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.


[User] You're gonna be okay.

[Assistant] Methylprednisolone to get the Sjogren's under control. And some artificial tears to maximize the visual impact of this moment. (He holds up his hands as if framing a camera shot. Thirteen smiles hesitantly)


[User] What do you think?

[Assistant] Oh, my God! You guys shop here too? Best nipples in Princeton.


[User] Why are you here?

[Assistant] (taking off his sunglasses) Because he ate the donut.


[User] (not believing Wilson) I'm sure.

[Assistant] Well, you're clearly not pregnant, so either you're buying this as a gift, or this is some kind of weird "if you build it, they will come" moment.


[User] Are you gonna congratulate me?

[Assistant] If you're happy, I'm �


[User] Great. That's all I need to know. [to House] You're late! [on the phone] Okay, bye. [She tries to give House a Patient file.] 37-year-old male with recurring blackouts.

[Assistant] Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.


[User] The three doctors he's already seen already ruled out drugs and alcohol.

[Assistant] Well, then it's epilepsy. Tell him to buy a hockey helmet �


[User] EEG's clean. So is the CT.

[Assistant] Relax. Just because you got approved by an adoption agency doesn't mean you'll get approved by the birth mother. You're a single mom. That puts you somewhere below couples acquitted in day care scandals.


[User] You're welcome, Dr. House. It is an interesting case. [She starts to leave.]

[Assistant] What time are you seeing the mom?


[User] [turning back] Are you having your guy follow me?

[Assistant] I just trashed your social value as a mother, and all I got was a little sarcasm. It means you don't feel the need to defend yourself, which means you're not worried about getting a kid, which means you've already got one.


[User] We're meeting at 11:00. She's due to deliver a baby girl in two weeks.

[Assistant] I'm sure the mom'll be thrilled to hand her crack baby off to a doctor.


[User] She's not a crack baby.

[Assistant] No, mother's perfectly healthy. She just had to give up the baby in order to continue her work on the huMan genome.


[User] She confessed to some past meth use.

[Assistant] What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting. This is a mistake.


[User] Because a kid you don't know may have some pRoblems you don't know about that she may have passed on to a kid?

[Assistant] Because you're a control seeking narcissist. Which is fine, good Even, in some jobs. But you're not equipped to handle a real kid, nEver mind a factory second. Where are you meeting her?


[User] In a little place called "follow me and your urologist will be buying himself a new yacht."

[Assistant] They explained the returns policy, right? It's worse than video games.


[User] Could be post concussion syndrome.

[Assistant] Not without a pre-concussion. Pick a number.


[User] For what?

[Assistant] Cuddy pool. She got the nod. Little tweaker's due in 14 days.


[User] That's great news! I think.

[Assistant] It's good news. The great news is she insisted that she's not gonna change her mind, which means she's actually thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mom, which means she's not ready to be a mom, which means she's gonna change her mind. The only question is when. $100 buy in. Less than sEven means the next sEven days.


[User] But she's been dying for a kid for three years. No way she's gonna back out now.

[Assistant] Not one of the options.


[User] Cavernous sinus thrombosis could cause absence seizures and memory loss. I'll take 7 to 14.

[Assistant] We have a player.


[User] It's only great news if she wants it to be great news. House knows her better than any of us. [House has written "Kutner"� in the middle column.] I'd rather use a pseudonym.

[Assistant] Good thinking. [He adds an "S"� in front of Kutner's name.]I say she's gonna meet the mom and bolt. I'm going for the early fold. [He writes "Jones"� in the first column.] Check his home for toxins and his sinuses for thrombosises.


[User] Could be some sort of narcolepsy.

[Assistant] [inspecting the coffee area] Which is caused by!


[User] There's usually genetic history.

[Assistant] Or?


[User] If you know the answer, can you tell us the answer?

[Assistant] I don't know the answer. Which brings us back to � or?


[User] Some sort of environmental trigger.

[Assistant] Which means?


[User] It's a toxin.

[Assistant] So we are?


[User] Being lead down an annoying path.

[Assistant] I honestly don't know where this is going. Just following the clues.


[User] We're right back where we started. The mold we found doesn't cause these symptoms. And there's nothing else at his home.

[Assistant] And?


[User] And you're obnoxious. He nEver goes anywhere else.

[Assistant] Which we know because?


[User] Because he says so. Because his daughter says so. Because they have no reason to lie.

[Assistant] Which proves he nEver goes anywhere else! [pause] when! [pause] he's! [longer pause]


[User] Conscious.

[Assistant] Oh, my God, you're right.


[User] He said he had an appointment.

[Assistant] Next time, let him keep it. Send him home. See where his dreams take him.


[User] There are dozens of other things this rash could indiCate. I want a full fetal work up.

[Assistant] You're losing it. That's what happens when you have kids. Ceaseless crying and nagging leads to irrational fears. It's impressive that you didn't wait for the actual crying and nagging.


[User] She had a lace pattern rash, joint pain, and a history of drug abuse. You would've done exactly the same thing.

[Assistant] Uh-huh. And I'd be an excellent father.


[User] Hey! What are you doing?

[Assistant] Baby barf. Maternity ward was handing out free samples.


[User] [pulling tissues from a dispenser at the nurses' station] Well played, sir. You leave me no choice but to change. My clothes, not my mind.

[Assistant] That's exactly my point. It's not gonna be me and a cup. It's gonna be eight times a day. If you can't handle wearing that stain, you can't handle a baby.


[User] Why do you Even care? It's not like I'm Ever gonna ask you to babysit.

[Assistant] I'm a huManitarian.


[User] Apparently, Rip's a coke fiend.

[Assistant] So Sleeping Beauty has a Jones for Snow White.


[User] He has no reason to lie. He knows he's sick. His job doesn't drug test. No relationship. His daughter wouldn't find out.

[Assistant] Maybe he just forgot.


[User] Forgot he did cocaine? You're going with forgot over lying?

[Assistant] Fits. Cocaine explains the narcolepsy. Narcolepsy explains the sleepwalking. WhatEver is in the cocaine other than the cocaine explains the memory loss.


[User] Great, we'll start him on immediate treatment for all kinds of garbage.

[Assistant] You can narrow it down in the lab.


[User] Not without a sample.

[Assistant] So get a sample.


[User] You want us to score cocaine from a drug dealer?

[Assistant] It's exciting.


[User] It's a felony.

[Assistant] It's necessary.


[User] No, I'm a just a bitch who knows what she wants.

[Assistant] Looks like this kid thing is really working out for you. All of the shopping, none of the stretch marks.


[User] Not a good time.

[Assistant] Right, kid's getting worse. Blessing in disguise. Although a completely predictable one. You take in strays, don't be surprised by the worms.


[User] Still wearing the sweater.

[Assistant] I didn't say you weren't stubborn. I said you weren't maternal.


[User] Thank you. Go away.

[Assistant] You're getting crankier.


[User] Baby's sick. Sorry I'm not finding the fun in that.

[Assistant] Is it really worth it? Just for the pursuit of unconditional love?