[User] House, why is my social life suddenly red-hot? One minute I'm mushing along with the huskies as usual, and all of a sudden it's global warming. You think you saw someone pick up a toy from the sandbox and suddenly you want it.

[Assistant] Is that why you said no?


[User] Maybe I just want a friend and Wilson is a safe choice.

[Assistant] I'm not safe? Cool. Wilson is nEver a safe choice.


[User] Going to a gallery, we're not getting married.

[Assistant] Sure, you say that now. He always marries them in the end!


[User] Biopsy shows there are white blood cells in the walls of the blood vessels.

[Assistant] They're not supposed to get past the bouncers.


[User] It's got to be autoimmune, something lymposidic. White blood cells are attacking her own body.

[Assistant] The only question is what kind of autoimmune.


[User] Doesn't matter what kind.

[Assistant] It always matters what kind.


[User] Treatment is always steroids.

[Assistant] Treatment is always boring! Diagnosis is "�


[User] Okay. It's affecting the larger blood vessels, so it's gotta be giant cell arteritis. I'll start her on steroids. It's affecting her smaller blood vessels, it's gotta be lupus vasculitis. I'll start her on steroids. It's affecting "�

[Assistant] Yeah, got it. Start her on steroids.


[User] Good idea. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] Told you. That was boring. I gotta go out.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Wilson's got a date.


[User] It's got 15 foot ceilings, an open floor plan!. You know, I can't beliEve you called me.

[Assistant] Hey, I need a condo. Didn't you and Wilson have your first date around here?


[User] Wow, you remember where our first date was? I didn't think you were paying attention.

[Assistant] Really? He's my best friend.


[User] Our first date was in Boston.

[Assistant] Oh. Not quite as close to here as I remembered.


[User] But we're not here to talk about him.

[Assistant] Absolutely not.


[User] Wait 'till you see the kitchen. All granite countertops!

[Assistant] Since I wasn't paying attention back then, what was it like dating him?


[User] Oh, it was nEver a date. I was coming off a bad relationship and he said we could go out as friends, you know, go see plays, go to a museum. I didn't think you liked Trenton.

[Assistant] Love it. So he'd say it's not a date, but then he'd jump you.


[User] Oh no, he meant it. Wilson, carefully calibrating his lEvel of protectiveness for your individual needs.

[Assistant] Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon?


[User] It's like walking into a sticky trap. Once you're the focus of all that attention, it's addictive. This unit's kitchen's got a chef's oven.

[Assistant] I cook a lot. Go on.


[User] It's the emotional stuff that really sucks you in. He's just so knight-in-shining armor, you know? Always there to support you, until he's not, but by then you're hooked. Hey, do you think you could talk to him about taking the dog? He's the only one that Hector really gets along with.

[Assistant] Hey hey, we're here to talk real estate, not Wilson. So you're saying if you actually had sex before you connected emotionally, you'd have gotten over it.


[User] Oh yeah, it seems weird, doesn't it? Because sex with James is fantastic. Nobody works harder to give a Woman what she wants. It's got six burners. The chef's oven.

[Assistant] Right.


[User] Okay. Suppose Chase and Cameron are right. Suppose it's an autoimmune disease. What's the biggest danger of total body radiation? It suppresses the immune system, which is what we're trying to do with the steroids anyway!

[Assistant] I don't usually put out on the first date, but I gotta say, that is a rad move. Get her consent. Start the radiation.


[User] The Patient is not too thrilled with me.

[Assistant] I'll get her consent.


[User] Foreman's got a personality issue, so you're going to step in?

[Assistant] Patient doesn't like Foreman. I'm interested. Fatigue, hair loss, possibility of damage to the lungs, infertility. All possible side effects of radiation. Why don't you like Dr. Foreman?


[User] He thinks he's better than he is.

[Assistant] How good is he?


[User] I don't know. Can we get back to what's wrong with me?

[Assistant] There's a small possibility of leukemia some time in the future. Hardly worth mentioning. You can't say he's better than he is if you don't know how good he is.


[User] No one's as good as he thinks he is.

[Assistant] I am. You might also get cataracts. Sign here.


[User] I don't know. You're telling me how dangerous this is.

[Assistant] We're saving your life. We're that good. Sign there.


[User] I can't decide.

[Assistant] Would you rather a pencil or a pen? Who's the better James Bond, Sean Connery or Daniel Craig? Now, you see, that's not Even a decision.


[User] Bonnie called last night to talk about the dog. Your name came up.

[Assistant] Good lord, how do you still have teeth?


[User] She's the worst realtor in New Jersey. What is this, escalation? I go out with Cuddy, you hook up with my ex? I don't Even know what that's designed to do.

[Assistant] You're an addict. I'm saving you from yourself.


[User] By condo shopping, thank you.

[Assistant] If I can figure out where you keep going wrong, then I can nip this Cuddy thing in the bud before she becomes the fourth ex-Mrs. Wilson.


[User] Yes, I was worried there was no way to stop that train.

[Assistant] You have to have sex with Cuddy.


[User] Wait! to stop the train? [House nods.] Bonnie said [quietly] I'm bad in bed?

[Assistant] [loudly] Huh?! [normally] Yeah. She also said if she slept with you before she liked you, then it would have been easier to handle when you turned into the sorry bastard that left her alone.


[User] I told her you were wasting her time, by the way.

[Assistant] You think that's going to stop her? The Woman's the worst realtor in New Jersey.


[User] That's not cancer. It sounds like!

[Assistant] It sounds like she's septic.


[User] A lot of things can cause pain.

[Assistant] How much?


[User] But she had no fEver. Her LP was clear.

[Assistant] Do an echo to confirm it's in her heart, and then I'll tell our Patient that we just killed her.


[User] Oh, great. You haven't been returning my phone calls.

[Assistant] I'm busy.


[User] Well, um, but if you have half an hour this afternoon, I just found this unit, it hasn't been on the market yet "�

[Assistant] I'm off the market for condos.


[User] James was right. I nEver had the teeniest chance of selling you anything.

[Assistant] Of course he was right. He doesn't stop giving good advice just because you're divorced. He's compulsive about remaining on good terms with his exes.


[User] Do you want to know why I named that dog Hector?

[Assistant] No. Let's keep it a mystery.


[User] Because Even when he was a puppy, he was the worst-tempered dog we'd Ever seen he. He was supposed to be House-trained, but he'd pee on the carpet Every morning. When we had people over, he would nip at their ankles. "Hector does go rug"� is an anagram for "Doctor Greg House"� "� that's how early in the marriage I resented you.

[Assistant] Wow. Did I Ever waste money on that place setting.


[User] James at least had the decency to feel guilty when he hurt me!

[Assistant] Whereas I nEver hurt you! I nEver Even married you, clEverly hoping to avoid moments like this one.


[User] You always needed him, and he was always there for you!

[Assistant] You keep yelling, and I'll think you owe me sex.


[User] You knew he had a wife waiting at home, you didn't care. I'm not saying you broke up the marriage, but you didn't help.

[Assistant] First, "Hector does go rug"� is a lame anagram. You want a better one for "Gregory House"�: "Huge ego, sorry"�. Second, find a new career. You're nEver going to sell to anybody if you let them control the agenda. And third, I don't owe you anything. I'm not Wilson, I'm not going to buy a condo just to make you feel better.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Prepping for an aspiration. We still don't know what infection "�


[User] It's not going to help her.

[Assistant] It's not going to hurt her. Well, it is going to hurt her, but "�


[User] No.

[Assistant] This will just take a few minutes. Grab a piece of an abscess, some pus "�


[User] You really don't care.

[Assistant] You really don't care why she's going to be dead.


[User] She's going to be dead "�

[Assistant] WHAT? What did we screw up, what did we miss? I need to know.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Yeah?


[User] I got your consent.

[Assistant] Her bra hook.


[User] What?

[Assistant] She scratched herself with her bra hook. That's how the infection got in. Staph aureus.


[User] She died from a simple Staph infection?

[Assistant] That and some bad decisions.


[User] I'll be outside.

[Assistant] Go home, have a few drinks, go to sleep, get up tomorrow, and do it tomorrow, only better. If you need absolution, go to a priest or give alms to the poor, whatEver ritual comforts you.


[User] I killed her.

[Assistant] Yeah, me too.


[User] This wasn't, "oh, I should have thought of that idea sooner"�. This wasn't messing up a dosage. We see a disease rushing down on someone like a train, we can't always get them out of the way. But this wasn't that.

[Assistant] No. And you'll do it again. To a lot of doctors, this would be a once-in-a-lifetime kind of mistake. But we're not a lot of doctors. We'll save a lot more Patients than the guy down the street, but a few of the ones he'd save by doing what Everyone else does we will lose.


[User] So you're giving me numbers?

[Assistant] Because they don't lie. I can't forgive you, Foreman, because there's nothing to forgive. [He leaves.]


[User] What'd you tell him?

[Assistant] That guilt is irrelevant.


[User] You wanna get something to eat? [They get into the elevator.]

[Assistant] Can't. I've got a dog waiting at home.


[User] I know. It's okay. Musta been a drag. We just had to make sure you weren't exposed to any bugs. Because your healthy bone marrow is what's gonna cure your brother's leukemia--

[Assistant] [annoyed] C'mon.


[User] He sneezed. Maybe it's just an allergy.

[Assistant] [reading] Not with an enlarged spleen and a fEver.


[User] They're African-American. It makes it nearly impossible to find a full match.

[Assistant] [finishes writing] Tell me about it. I can't Even find the one I've got working for me. Where is Foreman? Ha! Nothing like a dead Patient to send you back to your choir-boy roots. Hey! You're not gonna beliEve what happened. Wilson just killed a kid the same way you did.


[User] He's not dead.

[Assistant] Five days are gonna fly by. He didn't look both ways before he nuked. [drums his cane on the ground] You done talking to your imaginary friend? Because I thought maybe you could do your job.


[User] [reading from the file] We should start the donor brother on broad-spectrum antibiotics.

[Assistant] Great idea, if you're looking to save exactly one kid. Broad-spec will take at least a week to work. We need narrow-spec. [looks at his cane, then to Wilson] How old is Hector?


[User] Hector's my dog. He's about sEventeen.

[Assistant] SEventeen? That's like...a hundred and nineteen in huMan years. Why's he still alive?


[User] Blood panel was negative for all the usual suspects.

[Assistant] That's 'cause the infection is too small. We start testing now, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. We draw blood, odds are we're just gonna come up with hay. We need to grow more needles. Okay, that... pRobably needs further explanation. We make the donor kid sicker. We freeze him, we soak him, break down his immune system. Suddenly we're looking at some needle a camel can pass through the eye of.


[User] Making him sicker risks spreading the infection all throughout his body.

[Assistant] True, but who cares? Once we know what the infection is, we'll know exactly how to treat it. As long as he isn't dead yet, we're cool.


[User] We should do what we normally do - Go to the kid's House, check for sources of infection.

[Assistant] Waste of time. You think it's in the House. I know it's in the Patient.


[User] Safer than intentionally making the kid sicker.

[Assistant] [beat] Fine. Go.


[User] He could get quite ill. This certainly won't be a pleasant experience for anyone, but it's our onl...

[Assistant] [butting in] Ever get caught in the rain without an umbrella? That's all we're talking about here. Sign the form.


[User] But you can't guarantee?

[Assistant] We're not GM! No recalls, no rebates. Any more questions while your son's life slips away?


[User] [to Wilson] You really think we should do this?

[Assistant] Yes! [to Wilson] Sorry, your Patient. You tell them.


[User] [sighing] This is your family. It needs to be your decision.

[Assistant] All you had to do was say, "Yes, I do." God knows that's a phrase you've used often enough in your life.


[User] It was a mistake Every time. Give it a break. They said yes.

[Assistant] That's not enough for you. You need them to feel good about saying yes.


[User] [arguing] I treat Patients for months, maybe years, not weeks like you.

[Assistant] [the argument-winner] I'm taller.


[User] If they don't trust me, I can't do my job.

[Assistant] The only value of that trust is you can Manipulate them.


[User] You should write greeting cards.

[Assistant] Giving parents the chance to make a bad choice was a bad choice.


[User] At least it would've been their choice.

[Assistant] One they'd regret at their son's funeral.


[User] He has acute scrotum.

[Assistant] Adorable! Please, I thought you were dignified. Come on, how am I not supposed to make that joke? The best thing about big honkin' gonads -


[User] Can Chase and Cameron cover that?

[Assistant] Mind if I ask why?


[User] I want to recheck the national marrow registry for an alternate donor.

[Assistant] In case we're wrong?


[User] It's been known to happen.

[Assistant] Fine. Go.


[User] ...mitral valve rules him out as a donor.

[Assistant] This is perfect.


[User] We drove the infection into his heart.

[Assistant] Okay. Perfect is too strong a word. But it's very, very good. Now we know where the infection is. All we gotta do is remove the valve, ID the infection, target and destroy.


[User] Remove the valve? He'll be fine on antibiotics. He doesn't need open heart surgery.

[Assistant] He'll be heart-broken on account of his dead brother.


[User] Either way, he's got a dead brother. The infection isn't just in the valve. Even with targeted medication, there's no way we can clear his system in time.

[Assistant] We don't have to. We have to clear his marrow. After the surgery, harvest the marrow, marinate it in the targeted antibiotic, simmer and serve.


[User] I'm running this by Cuddy.

[Assistant] [nods] Fine. Go. In fact, let's all go.


[User] [to House] Do you have anything to add to this Debate?

[Assistant] [not looking at up from his magazine] Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, and your shirt is way too rEvealing for the office.


[User] House. Did he really think I was gonna do that?

[Assistant] I didn't.


[User] Then why did you let him...?

[Assistant] Tried to cut him some slack.


[User] [yeah, right] Nice of you.

[Assistant] I think he's got the yips. Steve Blass, Scott Norwood, David Duval. All got the yips. Great athletes. Lost their confidence, and immediately started sucking.


[User] And you're... giving him time to work through it?

[Assistant] Mm-hmm! Four days, then he's fired. You don't get better from the yips.


[User] [softly] Open-heart surgery?

[Assistant] If you want both kids to live, it's the only choice.


[User] [equally upset] What about the marrow registry? Maybe they'll find a match.

[Assistant] [cynically] Maybe they'll ride it here on a unicorn.


[User] [sits down heavily, dejected] Either we cripple one son or kill the other.

[Assistant] He won't be able to play baseball. But that doesn't make him a cripple.


[User] You should protect your family as a whole. You should do the surgery.

[Assistant] That was awesome!


[User] [quietly] Shut up.

[Assistant] I gotta start pretending to care.


[User] I did exactly what Cuddy told us not to do.

[Assistant] No, you didn't. You did exactly what she told me not to do. You're completely in the clear. You've gotta be kidding me. You're actually upset. You just said what you beliEved.


[User] I also beliEve in Patients making their own choices.

[Assistant] Because it lessens your guilt if things go wrong. You're not protecting your choices. You're soothing your conscience.


[User] By that logic, a sociopath would make the best Patient advoCate in the world.

[Assistant] [calling out after him] Am I blushing?


[User] Canula in place. Sutures are holding. [beat] We're all set to go. Switch him over to bypass.

[Assistant] [into phone] Yeah?


[User] [into phone] I didn't do the surgery.

[Assistant] [into phone] You woke me up to tell me that you're lazy.


[User] [into phone] We biopsied a piece before we started cutting.

[Assistant] [into phone] I'm tired. Get to the point.


[User] [into phone] We didn't replace the valve because the growth was fibrous tissue. It wasn't infectious. We gotta be wrong about...

[Assistant] [seeing something] Oh, God.


[User] [from phone] What? You know what's wrong with Matty?

[Assistant] [into phone, mock-concern] I think Hector's committed suicide.


[User] [into phone] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] [into phone] He took some pills.


[User] [into phone, humouring House] Is he alive?

[Assistant] [into phone] He ate half my stash. Of course he's... [into phone] He's stoned. I'll be right in. Cut all the way into this kid's heart, and all we got was this lousy, non-infectious fibrous tissue.


[User] Matty had a fEver. Got sicker when we suppressed his immune system. That all points to

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not our fault. Fibrous tissue! Something is turning his healthy heart valve to gristle.


[User] [hopeful] Autoimmune diseases aren't passed along in bone marrow. He can still donate. We

[Assistant] Lupus and Behçets are our best bet. Do an ANA and a pathergy test.


[User] Or... it could be infection.

[Assistant] My memory's not what it used to be, but didn't we just rule that out eight seconds ago?


[User] Just because it's not what screwed up his valve doesn't mean it's not in his system.

[Assistant] Uh-huh, and it has the obvious advantage of making us right all along. A little disadvantage of making big brother dead.


[User] That's your argument? Better outcome?

[Assistant] [pointedly] It fits.


[User] The family has one kid with leukemia and one with autoimmune. Wouldn't stand next to them in a rainstorm.

[Assistant] That's your argument? It sucks for them?


[User] It fits, and we can still help big brother. National marrow registry came up with a four out of six donors.

[Assistant] Six out of six is two better than four out of six, right? I mean, I know two is so small, but since it means that he's gonna get Graft vs. Host disease, the marrow will attack his body and he'll die a painful death. [to the others] Find out what autoimmune it is.


[User] Is this bad?

[Assistant] Wanna catch a movie?


[User] It's one in the morning.

[Assistant] I know a place. Although I wouldn't recommend wearing those shoes.


[User] How exactly does a dog unscrew a bottle of pills?

[Assistant] Is that a riddle?


[User] It requires an opposable thumb.

[Assistant] I must have left it off.


[User] On the floor?

[Assistant] I think he hopped upon to the bathroom counter.


[User] Not me this time.

[Assistant] No! It's your damn dog! [holding up the top of the cane] He chews Everything! I was missing a file. Found paper in his stool. An original Sun record '78 Elvis recording - gone! Who the hell chews vinyl? He's vindictive. [beat] And he's had a good, long life. It's his time.


[User] Are you okay?

[Assistant] I just tripped over Wilson's self-righteousness. [cold-shoulders the helping hand] What d'you got?


[User] We've got to go with the four out of six donors.

[Assistant] Hmm. Did I mention my concerns about four being less than six? Wilson's first wife ignored a similar issue. Of course, that time, it was only fatal to their marriage.


[User] It's either that or we start randomly testing Matty for infections. I know you hate the word random.

[Assistant] [getting up] Do it alphabetically. We're not doing that damn transplant. [looks around] Where's Foreman?


[User] [interrupting] Dr. Foreman explained...

[Assistant] Did he also explain what sort of pain your son will experience if he gets Graft vs. Host


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Apparently, he didn't explain it vividly enough. Let me give it a whack.


[User] Foreman screwed us.

[Assistant] No! You screwed us. What is the point in being able to control people if you won't actually do it? 'S like training a dog and then letting him go on your rug. Which, by the way...


[User] [defensive] Once Foreman got his mitts on them, there was no way...

[Assistant] [arguing loudly] You don't explain chances and pRobabilities. You lie to them. You tell them Foreman's a moron - which isn't Even much of a lie right now.


[User] You gotta to talk to him.

[Assistant] I got no pRoblem with what Foreman did.


[User] [angry] He undercut us and he may have cost that kid his life!

[Assistant] [mad] Well, he did what he thought was right! You, on the other hand, sucked out! When the decision really mattered, you didn't have the guts to tell them what to do! 'F that kid dies, it's because Foreman was wrong AND because you're a coward!


[User] The camera zooms towards the needle and into the Man's bone. The needle pierces through the bone, sending small bone fragments around. The needle starts to aspirate the marrow. The marrow flows quickly through the needle, as we...]

[Assistant] [top of his voice] Oh, goodness! I've left my door open! My poor dog must've run away and been hit by a car or... truck. [hopeful] Or train. [Even more hopeful] Or an anvil. [oh, joy...] Thank God. You're still here. [top of voice again] He's still here! Where's my stereo?


[User] [exhales heavily] It really itches.

[Assistant] [deep voice] Hello?


[User] Why am I meeting you here?

[Assistant] Paying for my new cane. It was your dog.


[User] So that's it. You call me a coward, life goes on.

[Assistant] Apparently. Showed up. Hey. [beat] I'm sorry.


[User] [nods, softly] Okay.

[Assistant] You're pathetic. I didn't actually mean that.


[User] [shrugs] Yes, you did.

[Assistant] No, I didn't. To infinity.


[User] Yes, you did. You're pathetic.

[Assistant] [into phone] Yeah. [listens] When? [listens] What did the lab say? [listens] Uh-huh?


[User] Why don't you buy your cane in a medical supply store like a normal cripple?

[Assistant] [to Wilson] Fewer bitParkn' choices. [into phone] Okay. What do you got in bitParkn'?


[User] Right this way.

[Assistant] [taking off the hat] That was Cameron. The kid that wasn't all that sick is now all that sick. He's bleeding out of his ears.


[User] Blood counts?

[Assistant] Down.


[User] SParkstocytes on the smear?

[Assistant] His body's not making new blood cells. His bone marrow's crashing.


[User] This is one of our top sellers.

[Assistant] It's a little too Marilyn Manson in a retirement home. [returns it; to Wilson] Meds are suppressing his bone marrow.


[User] Or the infection's doing it.

[Assistant] [impressed] Very cool.


[User] Genuine bull penis stretched over a metal rod.

[Assistant] Penis canes are murder. [hands it back, points] Let me see the one on the end.


[User] You got it.

[Assistant] [to Wilson] You need to stop Matty's meds. The marrow rebounds, it's the meds. If it doesn't, it's an infection.


[User] And if it's the infection?

[Assistant] Maybe I was wrong about which kid's gonna die.


[User] [Highway to Hell - AC/DC.]

[Assistant] BitParkiiin'.


[User] [might as well get it over with] Flames.

[Assistant] [swinging it up] Makes it look like I'm going fast. Now, how's our dying kids?


[User] Already did. It's not working.

[Assistant] [to him] Feeling guilty?


[User] I did the right thing.

[Assistant] Always a comfort. Okay, what's the other kid's status?


[User] We're done with Nick?

[Assistant] God is done with Nick. We know what he has. We know how to treat it. We're doing it. It's not working. Life is for the living.


[User] If we don't get this under control, his blood will literally turn into water.

[Assistant] Cultures still aren't growing anything.


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] Because you did the right thing. Convinced the parents to treat the kid. All you did was yank the weed out of the ground. It's roots are still killing your beautiful lawn. We just can't see it. And if we can't see it, we don't know what it is. And if we don't know what it is, we can't kill it. You gotta wait for it to grow back again. [sighs] Now his soil is arid. So he and his brother will be dead by the time... What if the dandelion was in fertile soil? [turns to the others] What if we take the roots from Matty and put them in Nick? Turn the kid into a petri dish? Only better. A petri dish can't tell you when it hurts.


[User] You want to give him his brother's infection? The very thing we've been trying to avoid since the brother sneezed?

[Assistant] Leukemia kid's got no defenses.


[User] Which is why he'll die.

[Assistant] But before he does, the infection will spread, fast. Fast enough to tell us what it is. In time to save his brother.


[User] But it'll kill Nick.

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] [shocked] You're... you're saying we should kill one son to save the other?

[Assistant] Nick is gonna die either way.


[User] [almost inaudible, pleading tearfully] It can change. May-maybe he'll-he'll rally. Hey, my Nick is a fighter.

[Assistant] Graft vs. Host is not gonna go away because of Nick's sunny smile and positive outlook.


[User] [fighting to stay calm] Nick has survived three reoccurrences of his leukemia.

[Assistant] He's being torn apart from the inside out. His pain's gonna get worse and worse until he dies. You're just dragging it out. [beat] You have only one decision to make - to leave here with one dead son or two. Tell 'em.


[User] We're not giving up on Nick. [firm] Not!

[Assistant] Patients' parents apparently don't want to be parents anymore. [to Chase] You're a sneaky bastard. Any ideas how we get around this?


[User] Court order?

[Assistant] [disappointed] That's hardly sneaky.


[User] We can still save Matty. Run more tests. Find out what infection is destroying his marrow.

[Assistant] Ten thousand possible infections. At least twenty minutes per test. Take you approximately eight years.


[User] [wearily] He's right. It's worth a shot.

[Assistant] He's timid. Testing blindly is not gonna save this kid.


[User] [cynically] But standing around here will.

[Assistant] Wow, he sure is hurting.


[User] [choking] Nurses say he maxed out on his pain meds.

[Assistant] [pulling out his scrip book] If I had a nickel for Every time I heard that. Pharmacy's on the ground floor.


[User] [in extreme pain] Thank you.

[Assistant] It's not gonna help. You're dying. Nothing's gonna change that. Drugs'll just make you go easier.


[User] [breathing heavily] I know.

[Assistant] Fourteen years on the planet. Most of them spent suffering. Dying before you Even got to drive a car, take off a girl's bra, drink a beer. BeliEve me, there's plenty you haven't done. Really good stuff. [beat] Must make it hard to beliEve in God or... fairness, a larger purpose. [beat] But your life doesn't have to be meaningless. You can save your brother.


[User] No! Stop! [screaming] Stop!

[Assistant] How much heat are you taking from the parents?


[User] They're calming down. I think it has something to do with both their kids being alive, awake, and eating. The marrow transplant took.

[Assistant] Welcome back, Foreman.


[User] You should talk to him.

[Assistant] Tell him how proud I am?


[User] Hey, if you're ashamed of him, you can tell him that.

[Assistant] Pride and shame only apply to people we have a vested interest in, not employees.


[User] How Many hours a day do you have to spend with someone before they're basically family?

[Assistant] Good point. [gets up] But first, I gotta tell Cameron and Chase that they're violating God's will.


[User] I'm just asking you to have an adult conversation to let him know...

[Assistant] ... he did a good job? He knows it. Adults don't need adult conversations. Just like I don't need this conversation.


[User] [sighing] Have you killed Hector yet?

[Assistant] Obviously not.


[User] Oh. He's quiet. He's... [recognizes the new chewtoy] Is that my stethoscope?

[Assistant] [sarcastically] Bad dog!


[User] Listen, Bonnie joined her home owners' association and staged a coup. Pets are now allowed. If you want to keep him, she wants a new puppy anyway. She'll understand.

[Assistant] Why would I want to keep him?


[User] ["Ain't No Reason" - Brett Dennen.]

[Assistant] [shrugging] Accidents happen. Candy? Good boy. [bites] Good boy. [sighs] You did good.


[User] I did what you would have.

[Assistant] Well, maybe I'm biased, but--


[User] I tortured the kid.

[Assistant] Because you knew it was right. You knew you were saving his brother.


[User] [pensively] I know. I don't like that I know. I hate that I can listen to a kid screaming in pain and not Even take a moment to question whether I'm doing the right thing. I hate that in order to be like you as a doctor, I have to be like you as a huMan being. I don't want to turn into you.

[Assistant] [smirks] You're not. You've been like me since you were eight years old.


[User] I nEver Even hit her.

[Assistant] [Smiling.] Morning. This is funny [Holds up his coffee and starts to read the side.] People don't...


[User] Bronchoscopy was pristine, so much for the lungs.

[Assistant] [Comes back out.] Good morning.


[User] Which means no ulcer or GI bleed. Which means it's not from her stomach, either. Which means it didn't come from anywhere.

[Assistant] [Comes back out.] You guys get to the point where the blood didn't come from anywhere?


[User] Rupture in her sinus cavity, dripped through the back.

[Assistant] Not that much blood.


[User] Trauma from karate?

[Assistant] No trauma. She kicked the other guy's ass.


[User] Now a good time?

[Assistant] If you can tell me how blood can mysteriously appear in a!


[User] What's going on?

[Assistant] [Closing the door.] Feel free to speculate amongst yourselves.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] He's afraid of turning into me.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] That's it? You're not going to tell him that we're a family and families don't abandon each other?


[User] You want me to?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Good luck, Dr. Foreman. [Hugs Foreman then leaves.]

[Assistant] So, where were we?


[User] College sophomore coughing up blood.

[Assistant] Not the case, the speculation. The palace intrigue. The rising self-doubts. Did Foreman get a promotion?


[User] What?

[Assistant] Personally I can't beliEve I've had the same three employees for three years.


[User] Patient could have a heart pRoblem.

[Assistant] Yes. Life goes on. Look at the eager beaver combing his hair.


[User] Hyperdynamic heart could force too much blood into her lungs, she coughed up the overflow. Wouldn't leave a trace in her lungs because it's travelling through normal plumbing.

[Assistant] Foreman, go do a stress echo test to see if he's right. Cameron, check out the dorm and redo the ER labs. [Ducklings leave.] [Calling out after them.] I'll get going on Foreman's farewell party. Everybody good with a mermaid under the stars theme? [They all give him a weird look and then continue leaving.]


[User] What? A brain pRoblem? Messed up hypothalamus could cause goose bumps but they're not going to cause her to cough up blood. She has no neurological issues. She had a shiver.

[Assistant] I think there's an infection.


[User] We've ruled out infection because no fEver, no white count. [They stop in front of Wilson's office.

[Assistant] I think there's an infection. Blood goes where it's needed. Infection likes nice, wet places, her lungs. Start treatment. All that cool stuff for bacterial, fungal and atypical infections. Get a lung biopsy, I want to see the little bugger up close. [Foreman leaves, Chase starts to follow but changes his mind.]


[User] Why's Foreman quitting?

[Assistant] He wants to breed llamas. [Starts to walk towards Wilson's office.]


[User] Interesting. [House turns around.] You're ashamed of the reason, too. [House smiles and continues on his way, Chase leaves in the direction Foreman did.]

[Assistant] [Takes the coffee and sits down.] No one writes tamoxifen like you.


[User] Well, I use a G.

[Assistant] Foreman resigned.


[User] [Stops writing.] I'm sorry.

[Assistant] It's okay. No biggie.


[User] [Rolls his eyes.] Right. He give a reason?

[Assistant] He said he didn't want to end up like me. I had a brilliant retort. Can't remember what it was at the moment.


[User] You don't want to end up like you.

[Assistant] Good point. Can I resign? [Wilson yawns.] What's up with that?


[User] With what?

[Assistant] You yawned. I just told you something interesting, so you're not bored. It's 11 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking coffee, so you're not tired. I didn't yawn, so it's not a mirror-neuron reaction. Which leaves symptom, vasovagal issue, maybe a heart pRoblem?


[User] My heart's fine, I was up late. You're just deflecting having a conversation about Foreman.

[Assistant] I'm ok with Foreman leaving.


[User] Either you're lying, or you don't really think he's leaving, or you just jumped right to acceptance. [House yawns.]

[Assistant] Sorry. I yawned because I was trying to communiCate boredom.


[User] You could try bargaining with him, give him a raise.

[Assistant] How much do you think it would cost to make him want to be like me? [Silence.] Thanks for the coffee. [Leaves.]


[User] She seems fine.

[Assistant] She is fine.


[User] She coughed up blood.

[Assistant] Past tense.


[User] She has diarrhoea.

[Assistant] From the antibiotics for the infection.


[User] Lung biopsy says she doesn't have an infection.

[Assistant] Well, then, you screwed up the biopsy.


[User] Or you're wrong about infection.

[Assistant] Well if I'm wrong, then so is her body, because it obviously thinks she's got an infection or it wouldn't have gotten better from the antibiotics. What is pandiculation symptomatic of?


[User] Does this have anything to do with Addie?

[Assistant] Lets say yes.


[User] Cerebral tumour, epilepsy! Could also be a medication reaction to antidepressants or some meds for end stage liver failure.

[Assistant] Lets say no.


[User] But now you are? No, now you're nervous, uncomfortable about your decision. It wasn't Even that good a joke.

[Assistant] Oh crap.


[User] Most of your jokes are excellent. [Cameron rolls her eyes.] I just meant in comparison.

[Assistant] Shut up. I think she may not have an infection. You better deal with her before she crashes.


[User] Heart was fine, liver enzymes were normal.

[Assistant] [Looking at the chart.] There's something called blued in the pleural effusion. [Looks closer.] Oh, it's not blued, it's blood. Which is great. Well not for her, but for me. Because it means I think it's an infection.


[User] Labs indiCated minute traces of blood.

[Assistant] Can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can you, Foreman?


[User] If we count the traces of blood as significant, the differential isn't just infection. It could be lung cancer, breast cancer, lymphoma.

[Assistant] Great. Go tell her she's got one of those. Or you could tell her we haven't given her enough antibiotics for her INFECTION. Double the dose, and check her lungs.


[User] We checked her lungs, they're clean.

[Assistant] [Leaving.] On the outside. She needs an arteriogram.


[User] It's about my bowel movements.

[Assistant] What isn't, these days? [Shuts the door. Points to Steve's girlfriend, Honey.] You sure you want to be here for this?


[User] We do Everything together.

[Assistant] Of course. The toilet can be a lonely place. Drop your pants, I'll suit up.


[User] [Dropping his pants.] They float.

[Assistant] Huh?


[User] I'm a nutritionist. [Smiles.]

[Assistant] Yes, I could tell from the cool toe-loop sandals.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] You're welcome. [They smile at each other.] And the natural fibre clothing I assume means some kind of vegetarian denomination?


[User] We're vegans. At first I was a little concerned about the lack of protein but Honey showed me you can get it from lots of...

[Assistant] Well, whatEver floats your poop. And you've been together how long? 6 months?


[User] How'd you know?

[Assistant] Because after 6 months poop love fades and if you've been together shorter than that then... I'll explain right after this break. [Leaves.] Three 10-milligram pills of your finest amphetamines. [Signs the book.]


[User] Which means her lungs are fine.

[Assistant] What if the clear arteriogram is significant?


[User] It is significant. It means there's no infection.

[Assistant] I think there's an infection.


[User] Infections don't come and go, people don't get better then worse on the same treatment.

[Assistant] Unless her body can't finish off the fight � maybe goes a couple of rounds then gives up.


[User] Why would it give up?

[Assistant] Maybe its name is Foreman. [Looks at Foreman, no reaction.] C'mon... where's that smile? That laugh that makes the whole world sunny without contributing to global warming? [Chase laughs, they look at him, he stops and looks down, embarrassed.] Maybe she's missing a protein.


[User] Blood panel and enzymes show her proteins are normal.

[Assistant] You can't have tested for Every protein, I can think of at least one you can't test for at all.


[User] Complement factor-H deficiency. But if she has that she's dead. No way to fend off bacteria. She'll get one infection after another until her body shuts down.

[Assistant] Maybe we can get ahead of the game. Manage each symptom as it comes up. Give her five miserable years instead of six miserable months.


[User] There's no diagnostic test for complement factor-H deficiency.

[Assistant] So we isolate the cells that are yummiest for it. Stick a needle in her eye. [Takes the pills and goes back into the exam room.] [To Steve.] You're cheating on Honey.


[User] What? No, I'm not.

[Assistant] Oh, yes you are.


[User] [Looks disappointed.] It's ok. I get it.

[Assistant] [Confused.] Well I was going to say relax but, oddly enough, you seem pretty relaxed already.


[User] You're accomplished. You're funny. You can have whatEver you want. Women are going to...

[Assistant] He's not cheating with another Woman, he's cheating with another food group.


[User] [Angry.] What?

[Assistant] His floaters float because they're full of fat. PRobably had a big cheeseburger for lunch.


[User] Soy cakes taste like cardboard, unsalted cardboard.

[Assistant] I'm accomplished. I'm funny. Can I have whatEver I want? [Steve is shocked. Honey smiles.]


[User] Ok.

[Assistant] You rang?


[User] You called me.

[Assistant] I bought you an espresso. [Wilson checks his pocket for his wallet and gives House a weird look.] You've been buying me coffee for a couple of weeks I thought I'd pay you back. [Holds out the coffee on his right to Wilson.] With one.


[User] [Suspicious.] How did you walk with the cane and the two coffees?

[Assistant] [Laughs.] Why are you suspicious?


[User] Because it's either that, or accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I have to deal with the horsemen and the rain of fire and the end of days.

[Assistant] [Laughs again.] What, you think I spat in yours?


[User] Or worse.

[Assistant] I stacked them. [Puts the left one on top of the right and lifts it up to demonstrate, then puts the left one down again and holds out the right one to Wilson.] What do you think of me hiring a nutritionist instead of a neurologist? I mean, they sound almost the same.


[User] I take it you've met a hot nutritionist.

[Assistant] Don't cheapen this. We had an in-depth conversation about proteins and fats. I was about to examine her boyfriend's rectum.


[User] You asked for a date while your finger was in her boyfriend?

[Assistant] Got her number.


[User] No, no. No way. [House pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Wilson.] This is an employment application. She doesn't want to go out with you she's looking for a job. Oh, God. She's 26.

[Assistant] But with the wisdom of a much younger Woman.


[User] Have you spoken to Foreman?

[Assistant] SEveral times. We laugh...


[User] You're going to lose him.

[Assistant] And that will be depressing. But it will only make me appreciate all the good things that I do have. [House goes into the Diagnostics Office, Wilson leaves.]


[User] Which means we should be looking for a tumour.

[Assistant] I think there's an infection. Just because the cells in her eye aren't dead yet doesn't mean they're working.


[User] So why did we do the test.

[Assistant] Because if it had been positive it would have proved I was right.


[User] But negative doesn't prove you wrong.

[Assistant] [Smiling.] That's the beauty of the test.


[User] She needs an MRI of her brain.

[Assistant] Absolutely. [Ducklings start to leave.] As long as you're scanning, you mind having a boo for an abscess or something caused by an infection? [Ducklings leave.]


[User] My head. [Starts screaming. Cameron gets her out of the maParkne.] My head! [The camera pans round to rEveal her head. Open. Bleeding. We can see her brain.]

[Assistant] Grody.


[User] Looks like massive tissue death.

[Assistant] Who cares? Her head blew up. How cool is that?


[User] It's not pusy.

[Assistant] [Turns the camera on Cameron.] Meaning you don't think it's an infection, and you'd be right, if you weren't wrong. [Puts the camera back on the open head.]


[User] Here we go again.

[Assistant] She's got infections that come and go, which means...


[User] It means it has to be something else!

[Assistant] Good guess, but no! Means either she's got a leprechaun in her colon which is playing with the doggie door, letting bacteria in and out or... she got complement factor-H deficiency. [Puts the camera on Foreman.]


[User] You enjoying this?

[Assistant] I'm saving a Woman's life. [Puts the camera on himself.] I'm saving a Woman's life. [Camera back on the head.] Actually I'm diagnosing her. Technically I'm diagnosing her with something that's going to kill her but, other than that, I'm saving her life. [Turns the camera off.]


[User] An autoimmune pRoblem makes more sense.

[Assistant] You can't explain transudative pleural effusion with giant cell arteritis. You'd need three whiteboards and 100 different coloured markers.


[User] If it's autoimmune she can live, but we have to give her steroids, now, before her heart ruptures.

[Assistant] If you're wrong, and you give her steroids, she dies, now. Foreman, want to run down how it feels to go with your gut and kill a person? You get into the whole spiralling out of control and self-doubt, resigning thing. [To Chase.] Do it. Worst that can happen is you quit. Cameron, want to explain to the parents why you'll be holding paddles while he's doing it? Because if her heart goes 'boom' it'll 'boom' right away. [Leaves.]


[User] [Takes a deep breath.] Ready.

[Assistant] My Patient's about to have a heart attack. [Smiles.] It's going to be massive!


[User] Oh well that's too bad cause I just got tickets to a stroke on the third floor. Have you had a conversation with Foreman?

[Assistant] [Pulls out some money.] Can you do me a favour?


[User] You haven't, because then you would have to confront your own emotions.

[Assistant] Is bile an emotion? Cause I can definitely feel something here [Pushes his gut.] Get me some liquorice. [Shoves the money in the top of her pants.] This is going to be the best heart attack of all time. [Cuddy takes the money and starts to leave.] Oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Cuddy comes back.] She's going to shock her. [Cameron looks at the monitors then puts the paddles away, the dad shakes Chase's hand, who looks reliEved. House looks disappointed.]


[User] You dosed me!

[Assistant] Yes... I did, but only because you didn't trust me! Your best friend.


[User] [Walks in] You could have killed me!

[Assistant] Amphetamines aren't going to kill you. [Shuts the door.]


[User] You don't know my medical history! I c-c-c-c... I could've... You could've given me a heart attack.

[Assistant] [Laughs.] Well, a heart attack is not going to kill you. You were in a hospital. [Wilson yawns.] Aha! You yawned!


[User] Aha! You tried to kill me.

[Assistant] I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it's a symptom, of being a big fat liar. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] Yawning is a side effect of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on.


[User] I'm not on antidepressants I'm on SPEEEEEED!

[Assistant] Well that means it's a symptom of a cerebral tumour. You got six weeks to live. Mr. Well-adjusted is as messed up as the rest of us. Wh-why would you keep that a secret? Are you ashamed of recognising how pathetic your life is?


[User] It's not a secret. House it's-it's... it's personal!

[Assistant] How long has it been personal?


[User] It's personal!

[Assistant] Yawning's recent so! either you just started or you changed prescription.


[User] [Holds out his hands.] This is why I take them.

[Assistant] They're antidepressants, not anti-annoyance-ants. You'd think this would naturally come up in conversation with...


[User] Oh don't act hurt. You don't care!

[Assistant] On one of those occasions when you're pompously lecturing me on what to do to fix my life.


[User] You wouldn't take them! You'd rather OD on Vicodin or stick electrodes in your head, because you can say you did it to get high. The only reason to take antidepressants is because you're depressed. You! you have to admit that you're depressed.

[Assistant] Give me. [Holds out his hand.]


[User] Are you going to admit that...

[Assistant] Nope. I'm going to prove that I'm not depressed.


[User] Haha. [Shakes his head]... Well I can't give you my prescription. You've got to meet with a psyParkatrist. You need a whole work up. [Breathing heavily.] Give me a Vicodin so I don't stroke. [House chucks him the bottle. Wilson pops a pill. And grabs a coffee cup off the side table. ]

[Assistant] I! wouldn't drink that. [Wilson stares at him.] My leg hurt and I! [points towards the bathroom. Wilson puts the cup down.]


[User] House. [House is startled awake.] Why didn't you pick up the phone? We've been calling.

[Assistant] I was sleeping.


[User] What did you do?

[Assistant] Nothing! This is how regular people look when you wake them up.


[User] Hemolytic uremic syndrome shut down Addie's kidneys. Peripheral smear of red cells had sParkstocytes.

[Assistant] Huh. HUS is usually caused by an infection or a protein deficiency. [Sits down and starts going through his mail. By going through I mean looking at the labels and throwing them in the bin.] What coincidence I know a Patient with an infection and a protein deficiency. You think it's possible there is a connection? [Gets to the last letter and starts to open it.] I want to hear you say it, Chase. It will please me.


[User] Doesn't mean you're right. You predicted cardiac arrest, INSTANT cardiac arrest.

[Assistant] There were only two choices, since yours was wrong, mine must have been right. Either that or we missed the leprechaun.


[User] If you're right then there's nothing to be done. The steroid treatment we gave her means when the next infection hits it'll hit hard. Liver failure, cardiac arrest.

[Assistant] But on the bright side, it confirms my diagnosis. [Foreman and Cameron both shake their heads, House smiles.] Don't you see how incredible this call was? A protein deficiency. Can't be tested, can't be seen. I called it based on coughing blood.


[User] She's going to die.

[Assistant] That's not my fault. She was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she'll know why.


[User] I'm sure you'll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her.

[Assistant] I'm not telling her.


[User] I'm not telling her.

[Assistant] No one's telling her. Not until we're sure I'm right.


[User] But we're going to wait for her to stroke or have a heart attack to confirm before we tell her?

[Assistant] Seems like the huMane approach. [Leaves and goes into his office.]


[User] Her heart went into V-fib. Brought her back, barely. Congratulations, you have your confirmation. [House gets up and starts to leave, presumably to tell Addie she is going to die. Foreman calls out after him.] What's her name?

[Assistant] Who? The co-ed?


[User] Sure.

[Assistant] [Thinks.] Dead sophomore girl?


[User] You know her father's name?

[Assistant] Dad. Her mother's name is Mommy.


[User] Ben and Jodie are about to lose their only daughter, Addie.

[Assistant] You think they're going to give a crap if I know their names? Five years from now when the father's looking at photographs of his daughter graduating from high school they're not going to remember the nice black doctor who called them by their first name. [Foreman starts to leave, shaking his head.] You don't want to quit.


[User] You saying you don't want me to quit?

[Assistant] Didn't sound like I said that. I'm saying that suddenly you're trying to turn me into a kinder, gentler ass. Because you know who you are. You figure if you can make me decent and caring, then maybe there's a hope for...


[User] You are about to tell a girl she is dying and you think it's about you. God, I hope I'm not you. [Leaves.]

[Assistant] I'm sorry. Addie you're dying.


[User] Are you sure?

[Assistant] Yes. Your infections will get worse. The toxins will spill into your blood.


[User] How long?

[Assistant] Two days, maybe less. You have a condition called...


[User] Does it matter.

[Assistant] It's a very rare protein deficiency that only...


[User] I don't want to hear it.

[Assistant] Ok. [Leaves but watches through the door as Addie comforts her mother. Then goes back in. Half laughs.] It's what's killing you. This is what's killing you. You're not interested in what's killing you?


[User] Please, could you just leave?

[Assistant] [Smiling.] What's the point in living,without curiosity? Without craving the...


[User] Get out of here.

[Assistant] [Smiling still.] It's-it's-it's like the... dark matter in the universe...


[User] You're smiling.

[Assistant] No I'm not. You can only diagnose a pRoblem by looking at what's... [Sees a reflection on himself, smiling.] missing... Oh, God. I have to go. [Leaves.]


[User] [Startled.] Ahh.

[Assistant] [Loudly.] 19-year-old didn't want to hear the coolest explanation of why she's going to die. [Shuts the door, loudly]. Begged me to shut up. [Turns the light on.]


[User] If you can't shut up at least talk quietly.

[Assistant] Amphetamine withdrawal's a bitch. She thought that I was happy.


[User] [Sits up.] You were happy?

[Assistant] No! I was hazy. I don't get hazy on Vicodin, or anything else I throw down. Which means I was throwing down something I didn't know I was throwing down. Which got me to wondering, why didn't you give me those happy pills?


[User] I told you. You got to be checked out by...

[Assistant] No, you just didn't want me double dosing. [Wilson starts looking guilty. He knows the game's up.] You dosed me! Those coffees...


[User] They worked! You've been smiling, relaxed, happy!

[Assistant] A dying girl thought I was happy. A moron thought I was happy. Who the hell doesn't want to know why she's dying?


[User] House was happy.

[Assistant] Hazy.


[User] Happy.

[Assistant] Hazy!


[User] Oh, right. A dying girl mistook hazy for happy, because dying people see happiness Everywhere. She's miserable.

[Assistant] She wasn't miserable.


[User] Of course she was miserable you just told her she was...

[Assistant] She was no different then she's Ever been. [Epiphany.] She was no different than she'd Ever been.... Oh, God. I got to go. [Leaves and slams the door behind him, much to the dismay of Wilson who cringes and rubs his face.] Need a minute with your daughter.


[User] Dr. House get out of here before...

[Assistant] She's going to live. Does that help? Now get out.


[User] Are you jerking us around?

[Assistant] Get out! [Parents leave, House shuts the door.] You... have got leprechauns in ya. [Said in an Irish accent.] Depression Manifests in lots of different ways. Some people can't get out of bed all day. Others have serial relationships and become oncologists.


[User] I'm dying, I'm not depressed.

[Assistant] Wrong and wrong. You tried to kill yourself by throwing down kitchen cleanser. Now most normal suicidal morons would have just drank the stuff, burned the hell out of their mouth and throat. Painful, but not deadly. But being a college-eduCated, suicidal moron, you wrapped it in gel caps or gum. [We follow the gel cap along its path down the throat and into the intestines where it dissolves and starts burning a hole.] Which left no trace but burned a hole in your intestine. But the body can repair almost anything, which is cool. In your case, scar tissue closed up the hole but it also formed a bridge between a vein and an artery. [We see the bridge being formed.] Now, veins are supposed to help the intestine flush bacteria away, but the bridge allowed the bacteria entrance to the artery. [We see the bacteria crossing the bridge.] Where they got a free ride! Everywhere.


[User] [Starts to cry.] Can you fix me?

[Assistant] Surgery to fix the bridge will take about 2 hours. Psychotherapy is going to take a little longer. Why'd you do it?


[User] I don't know. I've just! nEver been happy. [Crying.] Please don't tell my parents. They'll blame themselves and it's not their fault. Please, you can't tell them.

[Assistant] Technically, all you have to do is promise me that you wont do it again. Then, legally I can't tell them.


[User] [Composes herself.] I promise.

[Assistant] Yeah, sure.


[User] We can't thank you...

[Assistant] Your daughter tried to kill herself. That's why she's here. Legally, I'm supposed to keep that between me and her. Which makes sense, she's obviously an adult, capable of her own well-reasoned decisions.


[User] You're sure?

[Assistant] If she doesn't die in the next couple of hours, yeah, I'm right.


[User] How could she hide this?

[Assistant] Everyone has secrets.


[User] We'll take care of her, figure it out.

[Assistant] You'll make her happy?


[User] We'll get her into therapy.

[Assistant] [Nods.] Might want to try some meds, too. [Starts to leave.]


[User] [Follows him.] Can we call you? [House turns around.] If we have any questions? [Smiles.]

[Assistant] No. [Jodie is shocked. House leaves.]


[User] I didn't think you were going to show.

[Assistant] Sorry. Surgery went a little late.


[User] So you really think I have all the necessary qualifications?

[Assistant] I can't discuss this with a dry mouth. What have you got there?


[User] Peppermint tea.

[Assistant] [To the barMan.] I'm going to have a mug of peppermint tea please.


[User] This isn't a job interview, is it?

[Assistant] It's some kind of interview. You're judging me, I'm judging you.


[User] You have the upper hand. I don't know anything about you.

[Assistant] I'm on antidepressants because a doctor friend of mine thinks I'm miserable. I don't like them they make me hazy. I eat meat, I like drugs, and I'm not always faithful to the women I date.


[User] You don't seem depressed.

[Assistant] You do realise you just skipped over sEveral deep character flaws that most women would run screaming from?


[User] You told the truth.

[Assistant] Yeah... I don't always do that, either.


[User] Well, how miserable can you be saving lives, sleeping around and doing drugs? [Smiles.]

[Assistant] Were you on the Debating team in high school? [BarMan pours House's tea.] Also... [Picking it up.] I hate tea. [Drinks it, then smiles.]


[User] I hate this... kid.

[Assistant] I like this kid.


[User] You haven't met him.

[Assistant] I know you hate him. What more do I need to know? [addressing Everyone] The kid's not a clich�. Anybody can get into a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.


[User] Nate went mEdieval on the other kid. Could be...

[Assistant] Hold on. [closing his eyes] I'm having a moment. This... [imitates choking back a sob] this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting adrenal gland tumor.


[User] Which could create excess adrenaline. Causes the head pain and rage.

[Assistant] But not the personality disorder.


[User] There is no personality disorder. He's a teenager.

[Assistant] Being a teenager excuses the odd inappropriate comment. This kid say anything appropriate? [announcing] He's having cluster headaches. PRobably been having them for years. Question is, what's causing them?


[User] If it were just a cluster headache, he'd have swelling around the eyes.

[Assistant] ER gave him ibuprofen for the pain. Useless for this pain. It could have knocked down the swelling. Best bet is a vascular pRoblem.


[User] [reads a file] Normal treatment for cluster headaches is steroids, which the ER also gave him. He's still in pain. Which means...

[Assistant] [turns around] Normal treatment is called normal treatment because sometimes you have to use abnormal treatment. Start him on blood thinners and give his noggin Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Don't you dare... touch that acerbic wit.


[User] [shrugging] I thought I was a bad mother. And I hated myself. Because I hated him.

[Assistant] [vo] What do you got for me this... ... fine morning?


[User] Blood thinners and TMS had no effect. It's not cluster headaches.

[Assistant] You accusing the symptoms of lying?


[User] Could be hemochromatosis.

[Assistant] Wouldn't account for the personality disorder.


[User] What about hypothyroidism?

[Assistant] He's not getting aggressive and lethargic, he's getting aggressive and aggressiver.


[User] What about ruptured dermoid cyst?

[Assistant] Sorry. Just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. It's Foreman's turn to be shot down.


[User] [hardly amused] The thing that Cameron said.

[Assistant] Way to think outside the box. But no fat in the ventricles. It's cluster headaches.


[User] Normal treatment didn't work. Abnormal treatment didn't work.

[Assistant] Good point, Foreman! The treatments don't always work. Symptoms nEver lie.


[User] The only approved treatment left for cluster headaches is brain surgery. And that's not Even a guarantee.

[Assistant] [shouting into Foreman's ear] Back off, Foreman! If the approved treatment doesn't work, we go with an unapproved treatment.


[User] Hey!

[Assistant] Something on your mind? Because you totally can't tell.


[User] I had a job interview lined up at New York Mercy yesterday.

[Assistant] Hospital for Manhattan's glitterati. Big coup. Your homies must be kvelling.


[User] [mad] Didn't happen, because apparently I called to cancel. I don't remember making that call. You think I have neurological issue?

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] [shouting] Why are you jerking me around?

[Assistant] It wasn't me.


[User] Yeah! It was one of the other petty, socially repressed asses I work for.

[Assistant] Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher.


[User] If you want me to stay, tell me you want me to stay.

[Assistant] Would it matter?


[User] No, but it'd be the adult way to handle it.

[Assistant] If the adult way doesn't work, why bother with it?


[User] I've been totally professional! Gave two weeks notice, continued to work cases! Scheduled my interviews on my own time! You have no right to screw with my future.

[Assistant] You're gonna be all whiny during the differential diagnoses, aren't you? [calling after him] It wasn't me. I only sabotage people I consider worth it. [dramatically, pointing his cane at her] You are one evil,... cunning Woman. It's a massive turn-on. You girls can gossip later.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] [takes a seat] You called New York Mercy to have Foreman's job interview killed. [to Nurse Unger] When I said, "You girls can gossip later," I was throwing you out, but in a polite way.


[User] Well, I take it you're off your antidepressants.

[Assistant] Ah, you're deflecting. Only I'm allowed to do that. [drinks his energy drink]


[User] Does Foreman actually think I did that?

[Assistant] No, just me. But I know something he doesn't. I didn't do it.


[User] Why would I do it?

[Assistant] Do you want him to leave?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Were you planning on doing something?


[User] I'm waiting for board approval.

[Assistant] But if he takes the job, there's nothing to be done. You had to stop him.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Looking for a tell. Rapid eye blink, twitch of the lips.


[User] [ushering him out] Send in Nurse Unger when you pass her on your way out.

[Assistant] Oh! Almost forgot. I need to give a sixteen-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?


[User] I was being sarcastic.

[Assistant] Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript. Mushrooms have psilocybins that work on cluster headaches. It's either that or cutting into his brain and going on a fishing expedition.


[User] I assume you've considered he could have a psychogenic experience. Possibly suffer a fit of sEvere paranoia.

[Assistant] [pretends to think] Well, I have now. Yeah, it's definitely better that the Dean of Medicine prescribes it instead of an unhinged doctor with a history of drug use. Takes the stink off if the Patient decides to put on a cape and fly off the roof.


[User] And make sure the mother signs off on it.

[Assistant] Party on, Garth. And don't stand in Foreman's way. It's just wrong.


[User] His other secondary sexual characteristics are normal.

[Assistant] If you wanna curry favor with me, avoid discussions of other men's testicles. [to the nurse] Thanks. [to Cameron] Focus on phrases like "You were right about the cluster headaches."


[User] But wrong about what caused them. Vascular pRoblem in a major artery wouldn't cause hypogonadism.

[Assistant] Okay, what causes rage, headaches, personality disorder and hypogonadism?


[User] [looking around] Where's Foreman?

[Assistant] He's mad at me.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] No reason.


[User] [scoffs] Yeah, that makes sense.

[Assistant] Male genitals are controlled by the hypothalamus and pituitary gland. We're not talking about Foreman anymore.


[User] The kid's being pummeled at school. A couple blows to the head could cause hypothalamic lesions. We Ever gonna talk about what happens when Foreman's gone?

[Assistant] If this were an employee-owned airline in Scandinavia, yes. It's not lesions. His temperature would be all over the map. Symptoms don't lie.


[User] Doesn't Even need to. The two of us can handle it. Craniopharyngioma fits the symptoms.

[Assistant] [jerks a nod] Biopsy the brat's pituitary. [enters the elevator] And let the record show I was right about the cluster headaches.


[User] His liver's operating at about twenty percent and deteriorating fast.

[Assistant] Which means he'll be dead long before Foreman turns in his Parking pass. So, what causes personality disorder, head pain, blah-blah-blah, and liver failure?


[User] Liver failure can cause hypogonadism, head pain. Altered mental status leads to the personality disorder and rage. All we need to do is figure out what caused the liver failure.

[Assistant] Yes. Also, we need to figure out how symptoms yesterday can be caused by liver failure today. [steals a look at Foreman]


[User] If his liver's failing now, it wasn't great yesterday. If it wasn't operating at capacity, it could have caused...

[Assistant] Ooh-aah! Whoa! [scolding] Don't sneak up on a person like that.


[User] [monotone] I'm listening.

[Assistant] Well, listening doesn't help me. Okay. Let's go with the liver and a time-maParkne theory. Foreman, what causes liver pRoblems?


[User] Could be a narrowing of the bile ducts. Primary sclerosingcholangitis.

[Assistant] Most liver damage begins with what we put in our bodies. Foreman?


[User] His mother would also be sick.

[Assistant] Cuddy? [shrugs] Sounded like someone with back. [jerking his head towards the door] Go. [as Foreman leaves] We'll try and muddle through without your blank stare to guide us. [to Cameron and Chase] So if it's not the bad things he's putting in, what about the good things?


[User] He was raised a vegetarian.

[Assistant] Was raised. Means he's all grown up. Or he's not a vegetarian anymore.


[User] Unless he's been buying cuts of mad cow, his body would have no pRoblem metabolizing it.

[Assistant] Would if he had an OTC deficiency. Body can't metabolize nitrogen, damages the liver. Run a hamburger test. It's exactly what it sounds like. Stuff him full of meat, wait for his ammonia lEvels to spike.


[User] I thought it would be fun to work on my boat with him. [jerks his thumb at Mark]

[Assistant] And you went shirtless because... skin cancer looks cool.


[User] I'm not too worried about that. [pointing] It's these white marks, you know?

[Assistant] Lie down.


[User] [lying down] I mean, that boat has all sorts of, uh, lead paint, and there's... chemicals Everywhere.

[Assistant] [to Mark] When daddy works on his boat, does he have a cooler with lots of brown bottles with long necks? [filling the syringe with water] And does daddy like to lie down on his boat and go nap-nap in the sun?


[User] Oh! What-what the hell?!

[Assistant] [holding the syringe out to Doug] I will give you this for the... [calculates] one dollar, forty one cents in your pocket.


[User] Wait, how could you know...?

[Assistant] A psyParkc once told me that I'm psyParkc. Hey, one of these quarters is Canadian. [mad] Give me back my syringe.


[User] Liver's properly converting the ammonia into urea. He doesn't have OTC deficiency.

[Assistant] Welcome back.


[User] Sorry. I shouldn't have been taking my pRoblems out on the Patient.

[Assistant] Or on me. Apology accepted. [walks to the Nurse's Station] Starve him.


[User] And what are we looking for?

[Assistant] [tossing Doug's file on the 'station] Diabetic steatosis would screw up his liver. Starve him overnight and see if his blood sugar pops.


[User] We mess with his blood sugar, we could set off another rage.

[Assistant] Not a pRoblem. You can take him.


[User] He's on dialysis. He's gonna need it for the rest of his life.

[Assistant] Which is shortening as we speak. We are looking at a Parknese menu, and we've got symptoms from too Many columns. They're going to overcharge us.


[User] Ten percent of males in this country have elevated...

[Assistant] So we're only gonna pay attention to _abnormal_ abnormalities?


[User] Could be hepatic fibrosis or MCADD. Brat's got a genetic disorder.

[Assistant] Get the sequencing primers. See if it's one of the ones we can treat.


[User] I can draw some blood, but then I gotta run.

[Assistant] [whirls around] Job interview?


[User] You gonna stop me if it is?

[Assistant] You do the nurse stuff, they'll do the doctor stuff.


[User] But it's a partial deficiency. So it may not be Kelley-Seegmiller.

[Assistant] [looks up] Yes. Those are the two options. It is... or it isn't.


[User] If he had Kelley-Seegmiller, he wouldn't just be aggressive, he'd be self-mutilating. Chewing his lips, banging his head.

[Assistant] [donning his jacket] Lovely disease. Degenerative, fatal, incurable. I wonder if that's why Cameron's on the "not" side.


[User] [facing her] His vegetarian diet could have limited the purines in his system, slowing the disease's progress.

[Assistant] So let's speed it up.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] So you two kids will stop fighting. [removing his bag] Also, I don't feel like waiting for respiratory failure. Chase, find some way for the mother to get lost for a while. [cracks his knuckles outwards] I'm going to stress this kid until he bites off a finger.


[User] [weakly] They move me to geriatrics? Who are you?

[Assistant] [Greg's Anatomy's...] Dr. McCaney. The Man who's gonna kick your ass all over this chessboard.


[User] Yeah, well, I'm too weak to...

[Assistant] [pushing up Nate's sleEve] ...bite yourself, yeah. You need some liquid energy. Now, if you consent, I'm gonna give you this shot of adrenaline.


[User] Oww! [irritably] I don't wanna play.

[Assistant] Aside from being indicative of pituitary issues and certain kinds of genetic disorders, small testicles also indiCate... [disposes off the syringe] that you're a big Parkcken. Please don't make me do the sound effect.


[User] You're not gonna goad me into playing.

[Assistant] Didn't think I'd have to. Thought you'd just jump at the chance of humiliating someone.


[User] Age before cripple. I'm white.

[Assistant] [winding the chess clock] It... is... on! Bird's opening. Passive approach. [Slap] Sign of a coward.


[User] [moving a pawn] Sicilian defense. Sign of an idiot. [Slap]

[Assistant] [makes a move, Slap] Arrogance has to be earned. [moving a bishop] Tell me what you've done to earn yours. [Slap]


[User] I can walk.

[Assistant] I don't bleed out of my penis. Check. You know, it's a real thin line between tortured genius and awkward kid who can't get girls because he's... creepy.


[User] Why are you doing this?

[Assistant] To stress you out. Check.


[User] [moving one of his pieces] Yeah, but why? [Slap]

[Assistant] I'd tell you, but I figure it's more stressful if you don't know why.


[User] Not feeling too stressed.

[Assistant] You know that no one likes you, right?


[User] Yeah, well, anybody like you?

[Assistant] [declaring] You're dying. Check. [Slap] Your move.


[User] You can't win. You can pin my queen. My knight to E7. Your king to H8. Sacrifice rook takes pawn. Bishop blocks. Queen to H5. Checkmate. [demeaningly] Save what's left of your dignity. Lay down your king.

[Assistant] Crap. He's having a seizure. Four milligrams IV Lorazepam.


[User] Right away.

[Assistant] [under his breath] I hate this kid.


[User] I like this kid.

[Assistant] You get the job?


[User] Kelley-Seegmiller didn't cause this seizure.

[Assistant] So we've got one more symptom, one less diagnosis. [to Foreman] I assume they're gonna call for references? You give 'em my name?


[User] Wouldn't alter his personality.

[Assistant] Whose name did you give?


[User] [beat] My last boss.

[Assistant] Ouch! That can't look good. [still frustrated at having been beaten] I hate this kid.


[User] What if we're not dealing with one condition? What if it's multiple conditions?

[Assistant] Uh-uh, it's gotta be one. It's always one.


[User] I don't know, because he's... evil?

[Assistant] What if he is? What if the symptoms lied? [looking at the Ducklings] There. Now all we're looking at is a simple, evil jerk with Amyloidosis.


[User] You're not being objective.

[Assistant] Amyloidosis was your idea.


[User] You were right, it doesn't fit the symptoms.

[Assistant] Yeah, it does. [now erases the crossed-out "PERSONALITY" word] Look.


[User] You crossed it off because you wanna hate the kid. And you can't hate him if he's a victim...

[Assistant] You want him to be a victim because you wanna beliEve that people are good. And if they're not, it's gotta be a chemical pRoblem. Except they're not, and it's not. [to Chase and Cameron] Flush him with immunosuppressants. Get a biopsy to confirm, and find him a marrow donor.


[User] Nerve biopsy was clean. No evidence of Amyloidosis.

[Assistant] It was your idea. Don't give up on it so fast.


[User] He's running a fEver. If it's two conditions, one of them's gotta be an infection. We should start him on antibiotics, see what clears up, what doesn't.

[Assistant] Is he having trouble breathing?


[User] Yeah, he has mucus in his chest from an infection.

[Assistant] Could also be an Amyloid buildup. Keep him on immunosuppressants and biopsy somewhere else, his sinuses. [cutting him off] Look, you got two choices. Engage me in a futile argument then do what I asked, or just do what I asked. You're not ready. There was a third choice. Don't do what I asked. You coulda defied me, stuck the kid on antibiotics. But you didn't. Because you still trust my judgment more than your own.


[User] You sabotaged Foreman's job interview, didn't you?

[Assistant] [sighs] Foreman's already been over this. [clearly] It wasn't me.


[User] Everybody's chasing ghosts over this. Which means either nobody did it, or somebody wants Everybody chasing ghosts. Now, who does that sound like?

[Assistant] And why would I do that?


[User] Because as long as Foreman thought you were guilty, he was gonna be useless around here.

[Assistant] [smiling] You know, [smirks] sometimes I forget why I hired you.


[User] You cost him a good opportunity and gained nothing.

[Assistant] I cost him a crappy opportunity. New York Mercy's where you go to treat boils and cysts and build a 401K.


[User] If you want him to stay, tell him.

[Assistant] I don't and there'd be no point.


[User] You do. And the point would be to make him feel like he's wanted.

[Assistant] He doesn't need that.


[User] Talk to Foreman.

[Assistant] We dumped one symptom. But forgot to add one. [declaring] REvenge time, Nate.


[User] Are you...?

[Assistant] Yes! I am. [holds his hands out, clenched] Black or white?


[User] [upset] He doesn't wanna play. Leave him alone.

[Assistant] Pick one, or... [points to an IV bag] this comes out. And, for all you know, this is really important.


[User] Stop it!

[Assistant] That hurts, right? Which is odd, because I'm really enjoying this. You hold the pieces that way because you can't bend your thumb. Because your bones have formed abnormally. Thanks to all the crap that's been pushing its way in between them. Actually, this stuff isn't important at all.


[User] [worried] Your doctors said he needs immunosuppressants.

[Assistant] [waving it off] They're idiots. It's not Amyloidosis. It's iron. He's got hemochromatosis. The body absorbs iron from food, but can't process it.


[User] Through the blood vessels. Large quantities of iron deposit along the walls as red blood cells flow overhead.

[Assistant] Can't get rid of it. And idle iron is the devil's playground. It builds up in the organs and joints, whacking them in the process. Caused all of the symptoms. Including something that wasn't a symptom. Those body aches, they were not from the fighting.


[User] [hopeful] His personality issues?

[Assistant] [taking a scalpel] Sorry. The iron's innocent on that count. Your kid's a jerk. And, yeah, it's pRobably your fault. Although, if you'd stayed off the meat like your mom said, you'd have half as much iron, and be twice less... almost dead. Oh, nurse! [innocently] This Patient is bleeding for some reason.


[User] Is he going to be okay?

[Assistant] He'll need dialysis. And he'll have to get his blood drained Every few months for the rest of his life. My condolences. It's going to be a long and annoying life. [leaning close to Nate] I wouldn't have taken your bishop. I'd have moved my queen to D6, defusing the threat. Then rook to E8, attacking the king's pawn. I'd have lost the exchange, but won the game.


[User] I was bluffing. And that's why... [sniggering] you lost.

[Assistant] [grumbling] Jerk.


[User] [not turning back] You just here to watch, or you got something to say?

[Assistant] [beat] Still running the new biopsy for Amyloidosis?


[User] Yeah. Still nothing.

[Assistant] Run the test again. Recheck your results. Looks like you're in for an all-nighter.


[User] You don't answer your phone anymore.

[Assistant] I'm world famous now, press won't leave me alone.


[User] It's Cuddy.

[Assistant] I know. If it was the press I'd be answering.


[User] And since you're not taking her calls, I am. Your Patient's been waiting for hours.

[Assistant] She didn't book an appointment.


[User] No, she risked her life.

[Assistant] You don't reach terra firma, you don't get any milk or Honey.


[User] The Woman has 10 different things wrong with her, including pains all over her body. [sits down opposite House] Admittedly not as interesting as staring uselessly at Foreman.

[Assistant] You know why I find the goodbye party fascinating? [he puts away the paper and rubs his stubbled Parkn] Isn't it kind of insulting to celebrate when someone leaves you?


[User] What are you going to do to keep him?

[Assistant] Nothing.


[User] He really is going to leave, you know that right?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] So what are you going to do?

[Assistant] Nothing I can do. He doesn't want more money, better working conditions, doesn't Even want a better job. He wants to not be me.


[User] Because he thinks you're a cold-hearted bastard without any regard for anyone but yourself.

[Assistant] He's right. [bites into a bun]


[User] You need to show him that you really do care.

[Assistant] Don't. Foreman's not the only chocolate-covered cherry in the box.


[User] House, you play a guitar you got in 9th grade.

[Assistant] 8th.


[User] You're living in the same apartment for 15 years. You drive a 10-yr-old car, you are not good with change.

[Assistant] That used to be true, but I changed.


[User] It all fits as long as these symptoms started when you think it started.

[Assistant] This would be a lot easier if we had her medical records. Any of you certified deep sea divers?


[User] She's from a dirt poor country in the tropics, infectious disease and parasites are the most likely cause of unexplained pain, fEver and skin rash, we might as well start there.

[Assistant] [takes off his cap and puts it on a model of a brain] If there's one thing Castro knows is how to look great in green. [he gives pointed looks in Foreman's direction but the duckling has his back to the rest of the room and doesn't seem to see] And if there are two things Castro knows is how to look great in green and train doctors. Even without the medical records we can assume she was drowned in antibiotics before she risked drowning to see me.


[User] So what doesn't Castro know?

[Assistant] How to lay his hands on high-tech scanning equipment. [points to the list of symptoms on the board] Pain, double vision, point us towards the head. Cameron get an MRI, see what's cooking in the old cabeza. [she goes out to do as asked] Chase, check out the husband.


[User] Why? He hasn't complained of any pain.

[Assistant] Basic math, take all her symptoms, subtract his sea symptoms, the remainder equals her original symptoms. [Chase walks out]


[User] The husband has a pulled muscle in his shoulder but none of the pains or double vision. He does have a fEver, fungal rash, cough and elevated bilirubin. Foreman's not going anywhere. [House turns around from checking something on the computer to face Chase]

[Assistant] He said that to you?


[User] He doesn't really want to leave, and you don't really want to let him. You'll cave, just like you did with Cameron.

[Assistant] Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is?


[User] He may not want a date but he does want... something.

[Assistant] Maybe it's something I can't offer.


[User] Then you'll just lie.

[Assistant] He'd see through it.


[User] We could do that, or we could do something productive, start her on interferon for the MS, see if she improves.

[Assistant] I do like being productive. Well done, do it.


[User] Well done? Is that what you think he wants? A pat on the head?

[Assistant] Go do your job.


[User] Does this hurt? [he experimentally twists her arm and ends up breaking her wrist, she screams in pain]

[Assistant] Wow. Well either Foreman's way stronger than he thinks he is or... [he turns around, the ducklings are silent] seriously or?


[User] Cancer's a long shot.

[Assistant] Why? Because metastatic tumours don't explain the abnormal MRI, kidney damage, cotton mouth, double vision? Oh wait, they do.


[User] Infection could do all that too.

[Assistant] It's not an infection.


[User] Because you know the non-existent medical records confirm that the brilliant doctors in Cuba treated her for infection? Or because you're trying to kiss up to Foreman?

[Assistant] Because an infection would cause a fEver and the brilliant doctors who work in my office have already crossed that off the list because the husband--


[User] Right, and then you said we should do something productive like breaking her arm?

[Assistant] Foreman didn't break her arm.


[User] Of course he didn't.

[Assistant] Cancer did. Put her on a PET scan, see what else is breaking. [He prepares to walk out of the room]


[User] This isn't going to work! He's not a moron, you can't just agree with Everything he says for two days and hope he forgets the last three years and how much he hates you!

[Assistant] Anything else? When you get the results for the PET scan, let me know.


[User] I don't really care if Foreman stays or goes but--

[Assistant] You're fired.


[User] Wha... what because I yelled at you?

[Assistant] Because you've been here the longest, learned all you can, or you haven't learned anything at all... either way, it's time for a change.


[User] Why'd you fire Chase?

[Assistant] Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan.


[User] Did you fire him for me?

[Assistant] Would you stay if I did?


[User] No!

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] You're frustrated with Foreman so you lash out? Kick the dog?

[Assistant] He's not gone 5 minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?


[User] [walks in] Why'd you fire Chase?

[Assistant] Do you know what's on the PET scan?


[User] You two out. [they exit]

[Assistant] Woah, wait! What's on the PET scan?


[User] You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.

[Assistant] Yes, they are all irreplaceable. If only this country had figured out somehow to teach people to interpret PET scans.


[User] [bursts in] What the hell is wrong with you? You fired Chase?

[Assistant] I don't suppose you know what's on my Patient's PET scan?


[User] I told you to show Foreman you have a heart, how does that translate to you being a bastard?

[Assistant] So that's a no?


[User] Pick up the phone, and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him.

[Assistant] [reluctantly picks up the phone and dials] Chase. If you know what's on the PET scan, call me back. [put the phone back down]


[User] Chase is a good doctor.

[Assistant] Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.


[User] My building, my floor, my people.

[Assistant] [the phone rings] Hold that repriMand. [he picks up the phone] House. Doctor Chase, how are ya? [Wilson and Cuddy look on expectantly] Thank you, you are indispensable. Um, you're still fired, sorry. [puts down the phone] Wow, that was awkward. PET scan rEvealed a blood clot in my Patient's arm which means goodbye. Still got 2 people working for me, got to get one of them to do my job. [he walks out]


[User] Because it's the truth.

[Assistant] Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?


[User] She's in v-tach.

[Assistant] What did you do?


[User] It hurts.

[Assistant] She has no pulse but she's talking. Cough. Cough again. Keep coughing, it'll push blood into your head, keep you conscious. [She obeys, Foreman is trying to help start her heart again through CPR] Push 1 mg epinephrine.


[User] Will [cough] that [cough] help?

[Assistant] No, but it is amazingly cool.


[User] We need to put her on bypass.

[Assistant] We need to keep her here, if this is a clot then forcing a bypass will blow it into her brain and kill her.


[User] If we continue CPR she'll lose blood flow which will cause brain damage.

[Assistant] What would cause the heart to stop? Let's assume it wasn't huMan error. [looks at Foreman]


[User] I didn't nick an artery, it just stopped.

[Assistant] Which is why I said assume.


[User] No ST segment changes. We need to tell the husband.

[Assistant] Tell him what? We have no idea what happened. [he starts walking out of the room]


[User] House?

[Assistant] Keep going 'til I figure this out.


[User] Geez, 47 I hope my colon looks better than this guy's. Isolating the first transverse...

[Assistant] Help! I'm trapped inside a monitor!


[User] Not a good time, House.

[Assistant] My Patient lost her heartbeat during a routine cardiac catheterisation so--


[User] HuMan error.

[Assistant] It's not huMan error.


[User] Electrical instability?

[Assistant] Pre-procedure EKG was normal, no syncope.


[User] Ischemia?

[Assistant] Foreman said no ST segment changes.


[User] HuMan error is the only other possible--

[Assistant] It's not huMan error.


[User] [he finally turns around to face House on the monitor] Of course it's huMan error, you don't want Foreman to have made a mistake because then you'd have to mock him, and that would put a crimp in your brilliant plan of keeping him by having a breakdown and firing Chase.

[Assistant] Did you just spin on the monitor? You know I can't see you. [Wilson turns back to the surgery looking perplexed] HuMan error would not explain her symptoms.


[User] You mean her heart stopping?

[Assistant] I mean her foot pain, her back pain...


[User] House, I'm busy. You have a team, run your differential with them.

[Assistant] Foreman and Cameron are doing CPR.


[User] HuMan behaviour finals will also get into clinical presentations of Mania and we'll touch on Stanislas Dehaene's PET scans.

[Assistant] [from the balcony above] Excuse me, professor.


[User] House, when we're done with our rounds-

[Assistant] My Patient has no heartbeat. Stopped when we inserted a catheter during a routine angiogram. Anyone tells me why her heart stopped gets an A in doctor Cuddy's class.


[User] [turns to the class] Anyone?

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm polling first year medical students because I hadn't considered huMan error. Structural abnormalities would show up on the echo, you get a C. F. B+. Unfortunately, she missed her last botox appointment due to a boating accident, but send me your resume.


[User] [walks up to House on the balcony] House, time's up.

[Assistant] [looks at Foreman who is drenched in sweat] Good lord, you smell like muskox.


[User] Your Patient isn't already on bypass?

[Assistant] I was worried about a clot.


[User] Doctor House?

[Assistant] You can vacuum later.


[User] I am not the janitor; I am Esteban Hernandez, what happened to my wife?

[Assistant] Her heart stopped.


[User] Why did her heart stop?

[Assistant] If I knew that, I'd be coming to you.


[User] Tell me where you take her. Tell me what has happen to her.

[Assistant] Happening. Present participle. Not a particularly interesting form of speech, kind of like of this conversation.


[User] But... I risk my life to see you. I look you up, you fix people. When Everyone else gives up, you don't and now you insult me? Ignore my wife?

[Assistant] [takes a vicodin] Helps my process.


[User] No, you do not ignore my wife, ok? She is Everything to me.

[Assistant] Well then you do not ignore your wife.


[User] Turn on the bypass please. Good, good distal flow.

[Assistant] Need to look at the heart.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Can't find my wallet. Pick it up, turn it over.


[User] I don't see anything physically wrong with her heart. [He picks it up and turns it around, examining it]

[Assistant] Hearts don't stop for no reason.


[User] Ok, take your look. [House takes a closer look] Do you see anything wrong?

[Assistant] Give her a jump start.


[User] Clear. [the jolt is delivered to her heart, but she is still flat lining] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt]

[Assistant] And again,


[User] Clear. [and another jolt] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt, all of which have had no effect on the flat lining heart]

[Assistant] Again.


[User] Yeah, 7th time is the charm. [he hands the paddles back to the nurse] Sorry, I'll keep her on bypass until the husband has a chance to say goodbye.

[Assistant] I'm not telling her husband anything until I can tell him why his wife--


[User] [gets up] I will miss you. [he hugs her]

[Assistant] [walks in] Can I have a hug too? Surgeon found nothing, can't start her heart. [looks at the present] What a thoughtful gift. Nice reminder of intellectual theft to hang at your new place of employment. You two can go, say hi to Chase for me. [He looks at Cameron] You're wearing lipstick.


[User] We can stay. We can run another differential.

[Assistant] You two have no theories about why the heart stopped. Which means I don't need you, go.


[User] It's too late for theories; we need to tell the husband.

[Assistant] Tell him what?


[User] That it's over.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because her heart won't start!

[Assistant] How can we tell him there's no hope if we don't know why there's no hope? He's not going to pull the plug on his wife, he risked his life to get her to me. If he pulls the plug it means he's failed.


[User] If he pulls the plug it means you failed.

[Assistant] And you're ok with that? Go.


[User] [walks in] How's it going?

[Assistant] The way the security light hits your legs... looks good.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] If you're here to yell at me about the Foreman-Chase situation, it can wait.


[User] When do you plan on telling the husband it's time to say goodbye to his wife?

[Assistant] Haven't put a clock on it.


[User] Other than your curiosity, do you have any reason to keep her on bypass?

[Assistant] Patient's husband prefers her not dead.


[User] Well you're on a storybook ending for the young Man who crossed the ocean for his wife.

[Assistant] This is not an act, I don't care if--


[User] Then pull the plug.

[Assistant] What if I can fix it? Maybe I just don't know it yet.


[User] I know you care--

[Assistant] I don't care. I really don't care. My motives are pure - if we do an autopsy, you'll see... oops... if I'd thought of that crazy idea, we could have saved her. And then the husband might be upset.


[User] You've done all you can do. It's time to let go. [she walks out]

[Assistant] I was told you didn't beliEve in God.


[User] I don't. I promised my wife I do Everything I can to fix her, if I don't pray, then I don't do Everything.

[Assistant] It's not working, she's not coming back. If you want to say goodbye, come down to the ICU, then I'll take her off bypass. I'm sorry, I should've-- [Esteban turns to House and clings to him for comfort as he cries]


[User] Marina, I am so sorry. [he strokes her arm lovingly] When you turn the maParkne off, that's it?

[Assistant] [nods] Yeah.


[User] Right now is her brain working?

[Assistant] PRobably. Just not her heart.


[User] She seems like she's just sleeping.

[Assistant] She's not sleeping, we double-checked.


[User] Her heart... beat.

[Assistant] No, it's residual flow from the bypass.


[User] That is her heart, no?

[Assistant] QRST wave, that's a normal normal.


[User] Marina.

[Assistant] Holy crap.


[User] Is this heaven?

[Assistant] No, it's New Jersey.


[User] God send you back to me. [he kisses her again] It's a miracle.

[Assistant] It's impossible.


[User] Apparently not.

[Assistant] Live hearts don't stop for no reason. Dead hearts don't start for no reason.


[User] [walks in] She's 3 hours off bypass and still stable. And the pain is gone.

[Assistant] No it's not.


[User] You think she's lying about feeling better?

[Assistant] Just 'coz it's not there now doesn't mean it's gone.


[User] Just because it was there before doesn't mean it's coming back. Chase was pRobably right, she had some sort of tropical infection that cleared when we put her on antibiotics during the bypass.

[Assistant] Antibiotics did not bring her back to life.


[User] Other than a miracle, it's the only explanation for her symptoms.

[Assistant] How come God gets credit whenEver something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped? What if it wasn't huMan error? What if it was God's error? A congenital defect in an artery making it susceptible to inflammation. We need to do another angiogram.


[User] We've looked at her heart a hundred different ways, there was no evidence--

[Assistant] The one time we looked inside her heart we stopped before we could see anything.


[User] Because it stopped.

[Assistant] Good news, we think we know what the pRoblem is.


[User] You mean was.

[Assistant] Hey, it's my first language, not yours. If she wants to outlive Castro, we need to fix her heart.


[User] Que es lo que quiere? [asks something in Spanish]

[Assistant] In case no one's filled you in, today is Monday, which means you've been dead for a day. That kind of symptom comes back it can get serious. I need to do another angiogram.


[User] Wait, wasn't that what caused her heart to stop before?

[Assistant] No, God caused that. He's all powerful you know.


[User] Si, lo es. He was watParkng over us in the ocean and he's watParkng over us now.

[Assistant] Your rescuers didn't have wings, they had a helicopter.


[User] Esteban prayed

[Assistant] You know how Many little boys are praying for jet packs? How Many priests are praying for... uhh, that one actually works.


[User] You didn't bring me back to him

[Assistant] I'm not going to take you away from him but if we don't do this test, God will.


[User] You said there was no chance, no hope, which means--

[Assistant] Which means I was wrong. But I'm wrong all the time, my mistakes don't prove there's a God. You came a long way to see me, you going to put her life in God's hands or in mine? Ready? [to Esteban] I better not see you praying! I don't want to have to fight for credit on this. Exiting the femoral, entering the aortic arch.


[User] This is where--

[Assistant] Where we stopped to have a picnic last week.


[User] Her blood pressure's rising.

[Assistant] Mine's rising too, 'course I am doing battle with a deity. [continues to concentrate on the procedure] In the heart, injecting the dye.


[User] Looks like you're wrong.

[Assistant] Either I'm right, or this test is about to go very bad.


[User] What's that?

[Assistant] She has one... two... third ostium. How Many is she supposed to have? [turns to Marina] Dos. [That's two in Spanish] All the third one's doing is causing inflammation, throwing off clots, giving away the angiogram. No huMan would screw up that big! [He directs that at Esteban] Don't worry, just one more surgery and you'll be fine.


[User] Thank god.

[Assistant] [in jest at another reference to thanking god] Don't make me slap you. [Marina laughs, Esteban looks reliEved]


[User] [enters] I hear you got another satisfied customer.

[Assistant] One more and I get a set of steak knives.


[User] [shrugs] Well, this is it. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me.

[Assistant] Didn't do it for you, thought you were the best guy for the job.


[User] Thanks, I guess.

[Assistant] Which is why I want you to stay. You're an important part of the team, I need you.


[User] I know. But I don't need you, and I definitely don't want to be you. You're miserable.

[Assistant] I just solved a case by predicting a nEver before seen heart defect, a case you couldn't solve, a case you gave up on; I couldn't be happier.


[User] For 2 minutes maybe, until the next case comes along, until you're jonesing for your next fix. This Woman talks while in full cardiac arrest and you're more excited about the talking than the heart dying.

[Assistant] The two were connected.


[User] I don't want to solve cases, I want to save lives.

[Assistant] Do you think she cares? Do you think the husband cares? Do you think the Parkldren she can now have because of me are going to care why I saved her?


[User] I care.

[Assistant] About yourself. About your own ego!


[User] [warningly] House.

[Assistant] You're the selfish bastard, not me. It's why you took so much pleasure in drawing out this little goodbye of yours for the last 3 weeks, wasn't for me, wasn't for anyone, sure as hell didn't help anyone.


[User] Nice try.

[Assistant] Nice tries are worthless. You now have a bigger office than I do, why don't you go enjoy it. Better be naked pictures.


[User] I've gotten all I can from this job.

[Assistant] What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologise? Beg Chase to come back?


[User] No, I expect you to do what you always do. I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you.

[Assistant] Genuine American cigars, you guys can't get them in Cuba, one hundred percent healthy.


[User] [pours a drink and passes it to him] Shouldn't you go home?

[Assistant] Patient follow-up, very important. She looks great, like she's sleeping.


[User] She is sleeping, I double-check. So, they all quit.

[Assistant] Two of them quit, I fired the third.


[User] It's very hard to lose your people. Must be very upset.

[Assistant] Yeah, I must be.


[User] But you're not.

[Assistant] I don't think I am. I think I'm okay.


[User] What are you going to do?

[Assistant] God only knows.


[User] [continuing when he's done] Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns.

[Assistant] I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head. [gives her a "but-I-could-be-wrong" shrug]


[User] And the fEver? She's the only collapse victim whose body temperature!

[Assistant] [interrupting] Put her on antipyretics.


[User] Already have. The fEver's holding at a hundred-and-four. Fluctuating consciousness.

[Assistant] Can't take the case. I don't have a team.


[User] [smilingly holds up a file of r�sum�s] So hire a team.

[Assistant] What for? I don't have a case.


[User] Have you Even interviewed anybody?

[Assistant] You test drive a car before you buy it. You have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?


[User] You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.

[Assistant] In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?


[User] [threatening] Take the case or you will spend the next month helping the collapse team change bandages.

[Assistant] [betting] I diagnose her! alone! by the end of the day, you go away for a week.


[User] You wanna change his mind about something, you need a more convincing argument than "You promised."

[Assistant] [announcing as he writes] FEver. Non-responsive to antibiotics and antipyretics. Fluctuating consciousness. Go!


[User] [vo] You talking to me?

[Assistant] [thinks a sec] Yes. Imagine that! the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite! [seeing the spray bottle in Leon's hand] floor buffer. Which then starts overheating.