[User] Mocking me saves lives?

[Assistant] The hospital will pRobably build you a statue one day. You know, with a 'kick me' sign on the back. So when you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it shows I have respect for you.


[User] Or you made up that BS because you like humiliating me.

[Assistant] Wouldn't rule that out completely.


[User] You busy?

[Assistant] Almost done. [To Foreman.] Uh, so just remember, the rabbit goes around the tree and jumps down the hole. [Ties his shoelaces up.]


[User] Negative for sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] Run him for Everything you can think of. Lepto, sParksto, hemo, and the fourth Marx brother nobody Ever heard of.


[User] She saved his life.

[Assistant] Or she scabbed. Depends on your point of view. So what do we think? New symptom? Or just a wife beater? [To Kutner] Hey, time for you to take this baby for a spin. [Throws the whiteboard marker to him, Kutner gets up looking pleased with himself. House takes his seat and moves it closer to Thirteen.]


[User] [Starts writing on the board.] We, uh, loaded him full of prednisone to try to fix the liver.

[Assistant] Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail.


[User] Roid rage after six hours?

[Assistant] At that rate, by sundown, he'll have eaten most of us.


[User] It's not frying his liver, it's frying his syphilis. The penicillin's working, the real Patient is emerging.

[Assistant] So... syphilis prEvents domestic violence. I'm going to be Even more attractive to the ladies.


[User] I was going to test for a heart issue before the syphilis. PFO could explain the heart attack and reduced blood flow to the brain could explain the rage.

[Assistant] Well, they're all good ideas. [Foreman raises an eyebrow.] Okay, let's take a vote. How Many think it's the roids talking? [Taub sticks up his hand.] And who's for the penicillin? [Kutner] And how about whatEver she said? [Thirteen. House looks at Foreman.] Someone hasn't raised their hand.


[User] [Suspicious.] WhatEver I decide? [House nods.] You're setting me up.

[Assistant] [Laughs.] Why would I do that?


[User] [Shrugs.] PFO.

[Assistant] The PFO's have it. [Everyone gives House a weird look.] I just hope the bubble test is positive or it's no more Mr. Nice Guy. [Everyone stares at House for a few more seconds before leaving.]


[User] You had no choice, you had to treat him. What's done is done. [Leaves.]

[Assistant] You know that thing I was going to tell you, I've got to tell you. I've got to tell someone. You have to swear not to tell CB.


[User] [Shrugs.] WhatEver.

[Assistant] Well, that's not swearing, that's shrugging. It's actually the opposite of swearing.


[User] I won't tell Amber.

[Assistant] My team thinks that I have syphilis.


[User] [Surprised.] Do you?

[Assistant] Not yet.


[User] Why do they think you do?

[Assistant] Because I knew that they had access to an old blood sample, and I knew they'd test it sometime for something.


[User] Why would you swap your blood? What are you afraid they'll find?

[Assistant] [Rolls his eyes.] Shut up, you're missing the point. Now, they think that I'm on penicillin.


[User] [Looks confused.] Is this some clEver practical joke that I'm not aware of?

[Assistant] And as I get better, I get nicer.


[User] [Suddenly getting it, laughs.] That's brilliant. [House smiles.]

[Assistant] Foreman thinks I actually value his opinion. [Wilson laughs more.] Thank god he said PFO, or I'd have had to do some dancing. You got time for bowling? [Wilson doesn't say anything.] Come on, it's work hours.


[User] I'll get my shoes. [Turns to walk away but stops.] So we don't need to talk about...

[Assistant] No.


[User] So you're going to keep screwing...

[Assistant] Yeah, and you're going to keep talking about it. We are who we are.


[User] Patient tested positive for syphilis, right?

[Assistant] Is this some sort of recap?


[User] But why did he test positive for syphilis?

[Assistant] Oh! Uh... I know this.


[User] Either one, he has syphilis...

[Assistant] I was going to say that.


[User] Or two, the test was wrong twice, or three, he gave us someone else's blood. [House stops.]

[Assistant] Who?


[User] [Smiling.] Amber.

[Assistant] Get that idiotic smile out of my face. I've got to go on a killing spree.


[User] Or, four, he has something that tests positive for syphilis.

[Assistant] [Sighs.] It's not chagas.


[User] He worked in Costa Rica before he was married.

[Assistant] Is two a spree, or do I have to kill you too? Chagas wouldn't explain the niceness.


[User] I've heard of remote tribes that actually practice acts of kindness, or the chagas caused encephalitis.

[Assistant] The MRI showed no signs...


[User] Until we started him on steroids, compromised the immune system and let the infection flare up. I did another one. [Shows House.] It's not much.

[Assistant] [Looks at it.] It's plenty. You figured this out because I don't have syphilis? [Kutner shrugs.] Damn. That should have been my epiphany. Good news, bad news. Good news is we know what you have, it's treatable, you're going to live. [Both Deb and Jeff smile.]


[User] What's the bad news?

[Assistant] The cure is a grueling course of pills. It's like one a day for a month.


[User] Now you're just trying to make me laugh.

[Assistant] Yeah, like that's a challenge.


[User] You have chagas disease. It's a parasite, it's been asymptomatic for ten years.

[Assistant] Well not quite. Your brain's been swollen, not enough to see but enough to alter your personality.


[User] Now we're back to that.

[Assistant] He screamed at you, you don't think he can change?


[User] That was because of the drugs.

[Assistant] So you think drugs are more powerful than parasites? [Realises that's exactly what they are about to give him.] I mean... The ones we're going to give you to treat the parasites obviously are but... I stand by the principle.


[User] [Smiles.] Neither am I.

[Assistant] [Shrugs.] Neither am I, but that's because I don't care.


[User] [Opening it.] Reviews?

[Assistant] It was brought to my attention that on occasion, I am not respectful of hospital hierarchy. [Sticks a lollypop in his mouth.]


[User] The word was "contemptuous." [Reads over the first review.] Well phrased, thoughtful. [Flips to next page.] Identically phrased. [Keeps flicking through.] These are all the same.

[Assistant] Because, underneath it all, we are all the same. And Foreman refused to type his up.


[User] [Puts the file down.] Well, it's more than I expected.

[Assistant] There's an extra one in there.


[User] [Picks it up again and finds the extra one, starts to read it.] Your treatment of Patients is non-existent because you're not a doctor, you're an administrator.

[Assistant] Foreman convinced me that these can be helpful.


[User] [Continues reading.] Your Management of employees is, well, let's face it, they're outside carrying signs. [Stops reading and puts it down.] The strike ended, the nurses have been back for two shifts already.

[Assistant] You'd think I'd have noticed. What exactly did they do around here? [House picks up the review and continues from where Cuddy left off.] You act like employees should fear and respect you, but your eyes tell us... [Looks up at Cuddy.] Actually your eyes tell us nothing because we're looking at your boobs. [Goes back to reading.] Which tell us that you're desperate to have someone jump on you and tell you they love you one grunted syllable at a time. What you want, you run away from. What you need, you don't have a clue. What you've accomplished makes you proud, but you're still miserable. [Hands it to her.] Please sign.


[User] [Smiles.] I got a call from Amber today. Says there's been a violation of your contract. You've been seeing Wilson on her time.

[Assistant] She breached confidentiality. You can let it slide, Officer. We're Even.


[User] Everything else is great. I just... I don't know. I guess I don't like ketchup anymore. Wonder what else I don't like. [Deb looks worried while Jeff continues to eat.]

[Assistant] Roll over. [Patient rolls over with some help from Amber.]


[User] We need a tougher punishment.

[Assistant] Want to come over to the poopy side? Where are you two going Friday night?


[User] Dinner at L'auberge.

[Assistant] [Stares at her.] You're lying.


[User] Um. Where are you going? My apartment's on the West Side. [to the back of the driver's head] Excuse me. You need to go the other way. Hey, did you hear what I said? [as he reaches for the car door, the lock drops down] What the hell is going on here? What do you want?

[Assistant] [driving the car] An autographed picture would be nice. Oh! And I'm also gonna save your life.


[User] Just let me go. I won't press charges. Forget the whole thing.

[Assistant] That's pRobably true, seeing as how you have a brain tumor.


[User] You're that nut-job doctor that keeps calling my publicist.

[Assistant] Actually, I'm the nut-job head of diagnostic medicine.


[User] I run Every day. I don't get headaches. I'm fine. So, if you don't mind!

[Assistant] Actually, I do mind. I don't care if you die. But if Brock Sterling dies, Anna nEver finds out he's the father of Marie's baby.


[User] [yells] Help!

[Assistant] [stands, echoing Evan] Help! We're gonna need a wheelchair! here. [he ducks his head back into the car] Look, in the last month your average line reading has slowed from 2.1 seconds to 2.9. You're pausing more. Always at the same intervals "� Every sEven to nine words. Which means you're having trouble reading one side of the teleprompter. Which means a peripheral vision pRoblem. Which means a tumor in your occipital lobe. Just one test. If there's nothing wrong, I'll take you right back home.


[User] [getting out of the car] Make it cab fare. I don't want you anywhere near my House.

[Assistant] [tossing the keys to a passing employee] Uh, just put it in my spot.


[User] So I just press this button Every time I see a light?

[Assistant] It tells me where your blind spots are. So! the twins They're gonna turn out to be yours, aren't they.


[User] I told you. I can't talk about that stuff.

[Assistant] But you want to be done with this, right?


[User] [sighs] One's mine, one's Julio's.

[Assistant] I knew it. [pumps his fist] Julio knocked her up before her appendix burst. You got her after.


[User] How can you watch that stuff?

[Assistant] 'Cause it's awesome.


[User] It's preposterous. Not one real moment since I've been on the show.

[Assistant] As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly the way it is, like! I can't think of any.


[User] [enters] What's going on?

[Assistant] Hospital is being inspected and Cuddy dispatched you to keep an eye on me. [pause] I just Parked a town car in an ambulance bay and, instead of ripping me one, Cuddy acted like she didn't know me. It's either an inspection or an aneurysm.


[User] What's the test say?

[Assistant] As I suspected, you have significant losses in the upper right quadrant of your visual field.


[User] Are you serious?

[Assistant] No, it's a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other one says, 'You're gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.'


[User] That readout says his vision's fine.

[Assistant] No, it doesn't.


[User] You lied to me?

[Assistant] I kidnapped you. You're surprised that I lied to you? [Evan jumps out of the chair and grabs his jacket] It just means that the symptoms are intermittent.


[User] You kidnapped him?

[Assistant] It's sweet that I haven't lost the ability to surprise you. Are you mocking me?


[User] My back. My back is killing me.

[Assistant] Don't care. Busy.


[User] Amber's damn mattress.

[Assistant] Well that sucks. Don't buy a new one. [He takes a syringe from a drawer, locks the cart, grabs his cane and turns to leave. Wilson follows]


[User] Are you being sarcastic? Because we are buying one.

[Assistant] She's incapable of doing anything that matters without turning it into a zero-sum game.


[User] We're buying a mattress for us.

[Assistant] Wow. I'm faster than you right now. [He uses his cane to push open an elevator door before it shuts. Evan is in the elevator. He turns away from House and pulls out his phone.] It's all about her and whatEver hapless salesMan wanders into her sights. She's gonna lie, steal and trade your testes to get whatEver she wants. Hold on. I just gotta do something before he dials the second '1.' [He uncaps the syringe and injects Evan in the back of the neck.] You're going to end up humiliated, [Evan drops to the floor] holding her purse and going home to sleep on a new mattress you hate.


[User] What the hell are you doing?

[Assistant] He needs an MRI. Give me one millimeter slices from the cortex down.


[User] Any particular reason you decided to sedate a Patient for a procedure that's completely painless?

[Assistant] [trying on Evan's sunglasses] Guy has a history of violent outbursts during surgical procedures.


[User] Yeah, on TV. It's Evan Greer. He's the main stud on House's soap. Frontal cortex looks clean. No tumors.

[Assistant] Increase the magnification on the occipital lobe. You watch because you like or because I like?


[User] I was unemployed. I "�

[Assistant] Bzzt. Sorry. That's not an answer, that's an apology. If we're Ever to come out of the darkness, we have to be proud "�


[User] Occipital, frontal and temporal lobes are clean. So's the optic nerve. Definitely no tumors.

[Assistant] He's fine?


[User] Uh, what should we tell him?

[Assistant] See if you can talk him out of suing me.


[User] Foot numbness has a huge differential.

[Assistant] It gets a lot narrower when you add in peripheral vision pRoblems.


[User] He already kidnapped and sedated a guy against his will. Makes sense he'd also do something to numb his foot so he couldn't leave.

[Assistant] But it doesn't make sense to include the symptom that he caused in a differential he's so desperate to solve.


[User] Unless he didn't mean to cause it.

[Assistant] Stick to the filing, sweetheart. Let the doctors do the doctoring. Either toxins or a vitamin deficiency "�


[User] I'm guessing when you drugged him, you didn't catch him and ease him to the floor. He could have pinched a nerve in his ankle when he fell. You need to run an EMG test for motor nerve entrapment or the inspector will own your ass.

[Assistant] Kutner, leave the room. Wait thirty minutes, come back and tell her the test was negative.


[User] Is it okay if I use that time to do the test?

[Assistant] Get out of here.


[User] [emptying a plastic bag of papers on the desk] The rest of them can help me with all this stuff.

[Assistant] They're busy. Which is really annoying because I wanted to be able to say they're busy for no other reason than to screw with you. [he picks a tape out of a plastic carton he just dropped on the table and shows it to her] Research.


[User] Why don't you have Rico do it?

[Assistant] You can't tell me you didn't notice that pause.


[User] She's nEver waking up.

[Assistant] Ah, this is a whole new experience in super high def. I had no idea Marie wore an underwire.


[User] What about the way he's holding that stethoscope? His thumb and forefinger are meeting at an odd angle.

[Assistant] Could be demylenation from toxic exposure.


[User] Yeah, excellent job so far. House, outside.

[Assistant] Keep watParkng. You'll nEver guess what Rico's got in that box.


[User] You have an obsession with an actor or the character he plays. I feel for you. You need to work it out. But I need you to do it when the hospital's accreditation and my job are not on the line.

[Assistant] You want the star of the hottest daytime drama on TV to die in your hospital?


[User] No, I want you to cure him without committing any more felonies.

[Assistant] I can't do my job if you're going to tie my hands like that.


[User] Fifty-one weeks out of the year I let you run around like a monkey in a banana factory. All I'm asking is that you tone it for a few days.

[Assistant] I want that TV.


[User] We're not bargaining.

[Assistant] You want something. Either you're bargaining or you're begging.


[User] Me keeping my job is good for you.

[Assistant] Yes, but it's better for you. I just want us to be equally happy.


[User] [approaches] EMG was negative for nerve entrapment. Means the foot's a real symptom. Could be vitamin deficiency.

[Assistant] Or a toxin.


[User] Or atherosclerosis.

[Assistant] Or a toxin.


[User] Why is toxin a better idea?

[Assistant] Might not be. We'll know after I'm finished searParkng his set and dressing room for medically relevant stuff. Gotta go. Need a decision.


[User] You're not going to cut your own throat.

[Assistant] Yeah, that sounds like me. [to Kutner] Test for heavy metals, organics, biotoxins and search the home.


[User] Really. Just as long as I get to help you break it in.

[Assistant] Pack your Manhood on ice. Maybe the hospital can reattach it.


[User] [calling from the store] You were so wrong. She's letting me choose.

[Assistant] "You choose"� does not mean you choose.


[User] Really? Sounded like "you choose."� I suppose it's possible she meant "House is soooo, so wrong."�

[Assistant] It's a trap. It means "if you love me you'll buy the one I want."� [He grabs a handful of shelled sunflower seeds from a large container, popping them into his mouth while continuing the conversation.]


[User] Amber doesn't do passive-aggressive.

[Assistant] People who do aggressive don't like to limit themselves. Could a leaky space heater cause vision pRoblems and numbness?


[User] He'd of gotten better at the hospital. It's not a trap.

[Assistant] Did I hear a question mark at the end of that sentence?


[User] House, look, she's "�

[Assistant] Gotta go. [hangs up]


[User] The gin bottles are all gifts from fans. Brock Sterling drinks it on the show but Evan doesn't drink at all. He's on this whole health kick right now. Fruits, nuts "� did you take those from his dressing room?

[Assistant] No. You're not going to marry Brock, are you? We've been waiting four years for him to make it official with Anna.


[User] Are you really a doctor.

[Assistant] Glioblastoma. Need more proof? So, no toxins on the set, how about his regular life? Unusual hobbies? Unsavory friends?


[User] No. I've been out with him. He's as vanilla as they come.

[Assistant] And by "out"� you mean!?


[User] Well, I asked him on a date last month. We went out a few times but we weren't right for each other.

[Assistant] Too small or too large?


[User] Is that medically relevant?

[Assistant] I'm a doctor and it's relevant to me. So, yes.


[User] We nEver got that far. We made out a while then he just said he should go home. He's a real gentleMan.

[Assistant] [thinks and looks at the seeds in his hand] Now that'd be interesting. He's impotent. [he takes a packet from his pocket and tosses it on the table] Steady diet of sunflower seeds causes a B6 toxicity, which causes an autonomic disregulation, which causes a wood-free existence.


[User] One bad night and a couple of sunflower seeds and he's got autonomic disregulation.

[Assistant] It's more than just one. He can't Even remember the last time he was able to salute. It's cool, huh?


[User] B6 wouldn't show up on a tox screen and we didn't find anything at the House.

[Assistant] So all we have to do is filter the B6 out of his blood. Prep him for plasmapheresis.


[User] Just because he didn't salute doesn't mean he can't.

[Assistant] [looks around] And can you find out where that voice keeps coming from? And tell it to get out of my head.


[User] Plasmapheresis has risks. We should have him spend the night in the sleep lab. See if he gets a reflex erection.

[Assistant] Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys. We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way God intended, he can't get engorged.


[User] I'm not showing him my boobs.

[Assistant] Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him! [exhales loudly] Where can I find a decent set of knockers around here?


[User] Thus the word "atypical."�

[Assistant] In that case, it could be an atypical bunion.


[User] [without pausing from charting] Could be Graves Disease. Extreme hyperthyroid disease leads to systemic pRoblems including numbness, vision loss and cardiac arrest.

[Assistant] You want to be here.


[User] I have to be here.

[Assistant] Just say the word. I'll fire Thirteen.


[User] Just sign the forms. [Thirteen looks up]

[Assistant] Smart move. I was bluffing. She's right. We should fry the thyroid before it fries him.


[User] Uh! I know it's more exciting this way, but shouldn't we confirm you're right before destroying one of the most important glands in his body?

[Assistant] If that gland has drawn a bulls eye on his heart, then no.


[User] Nuking his thyroid puts him at risk for vascular lesions and all kinds of cancer. Protocol says we should do an iodine uptake test.

[Assistant] [whispers] "We?"� [aloud] Anyone else want to run a useless test while Brock's thyroid plots its next lethal move? [Thirteen raises her hand. Kutner and Taub follow] It was rhetorical.


[User] House is right. [House stops writing, mid-signature]

[Assistant] Seriously? I mean, I am, but you think so?


[User] What are you doing here?

[Assistant] Just grabbing a snack.


[User] You keep food in the morgue?

[Assistant] Well, if I keep it in the lounge, Everyone else eats it.


[User] [holding up a food container with someone's name on it] That's 'cause it's Everyone else's food.

[Assistant] Oh. I thought it was just Everyone else's bags.


[User] [throwing Everything in a covered trash can] The accreditation board will light us on fire for this.

[Assistant] They're not going to find out. Unless, of course, Conway planned on inspecting the morgue in, say! two minutes. [feigning ignorance] Is that why you're here?


[User] You're going to get me fired over a sandwich?

[Assistant] No. Over a TV. And you're not gonna get fired because you're gonna fold.


[User] No, I won't.

[Assistant] But you're gonna push it. So we need a safe word. So you can signal your unconditional surrender. [Conway enters] Call me "Sweet Sauce."� [he smiles at Conway and shakes his hand] Dr. House. I don't think we've met.


[User] Dr. Jaime Conway. I've heard your name.

[Assistant] Most people have. It's also a noun. [pause] I sometimes come down here to relax, unwind. Maybe grab a "�


[User] Sweet Sauce. [Conway stares]

[Assistant] It's a nickname.


[User] An ironic nickname. Wow. It is almost two. Aren't you supposed to be!

[Assistant] Oh, yeah. Yeah. 'Cause those sick, blind kids aren't going to read to themselves. See ya. [Almost out the door, he turns back] I recommend skipping C-26. Floater. Been in the river at least a week.


[User] Thanks for the warning.

[Assistant] Any time. [leaves]


[User] Doesn't the doctors' lounge have that same TV?

[Assistant] Nope. They've got a 12 inch, exactly like the one that used to be in here.


[User] Files are done.

[Assistant] I'll be doing a dance of joy just as soon as my leg is healed. [to the maintenance men] Can you tilt that down?


[User] I know the paperwork annoys you, but Patient records are important. You can't just let them sit there.

[Assistant] I had to. In the name of science. I let the crap pile up and I see which team member is the most self-flagellating "� breaks down, clears up the mess. Surprise was, it turned out to be you. Again. And you weren't Even registered as a competitor. You miss me.


[User] You miss me. You hired Thirteen to replace me.

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. All pretty girls are fungible. You're avoiding.


[User] I miss the job. I miss running around playing private investigator. I miss... the puzzles.

[Assistant] Seriously. I'll fire Thirteen. Or Kutner, if you think Thirteen is hot.


[User] His kidneys are failing.

[Assistant] I told you to nuke his thyroid.


[User] It's a good thing we didn't. Kidney failure means it wasn't graves.

[Assistant] So, your test screwed me and our Patient's kidneys. You practically poisoned him with iodine.


[User] Which he could have handled easily if his kidneys were healthy. All we did was rEveal a new symptom. Usually you're all for that.

[Assistant] Must be the rancid tinge of betrayal that's put me off.


[User] You were wrong.

[Assistant] [turning on him] So tell me to my face. You nEver hesitated before. The Board's turned you into a coward.


[User] I did it because it was the right thing to do.

[Assistant] You did it to pass an inspection.


[User] Does it matter? Kidney failure on top of the other symptoms points to an autoimmune condition which means that any of his other organs could be next. We've already started dialysis. We need to run ANAs for autoimmune.

[Assistant] You're right. You and the team, go measure the ceilings.


[User] Excuse me?

[Assistant] Accreditation board guidelines state that no object can be less than 18 inches from the ceiling. Make sure we're in compliance.


[User] There's nothing in our office that would be less than!

[Assistant] I don't mean us. I mean the whole hospital.


[User] Have you met me? I can take care of me. I need you to take care of you. I have work to do.

[Assistant] You made it to page 8. Mysterious hospital visit for soap doc.


[User] Wow. I'll be sure to send my Mom a copy. They told me I have an autoimmune disease, like lupus or sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] That's what we're here to find out.


[User] You really as good as Everyone seems to think you are?

[Assistant] Are you really as miserable as Everyone seems to think you are?


[User] I just want to do something that matters.

[Assistant] Nothing matters. We're all just cockroaches, wilDebeests dying on the river bank. Nothing we do has any lasting meaning.


[User] And you think I'm miserable.

[Assistant] If you're unhappy on the plane, jump out of it.


[User] I want to but! I can't.

[Assistant] Mmm. That's the pRoblem with metaphors. They need interpretation. Jumping out of a plane is stupid.


[User] Well, what if I'm not in a plane? What if I'm just in a place I don't want to be?

[Assistant] That's the other pRoblem with metaphors. Yes, what if you're actually on an ice cream truck and outside are candy and flowers and virgins. You're on a plane! We're all on planes. Life is dangerous and compliCated and! it's a long way down.


[User] So you're afraid of change?

[Assistant] No, you're afraid to change. You'd rather imagine that you can escape instead of actually try. 'Cause if you fail, then you got nothing. So you'll give up the chance of something real so you can hold onto hope. The thing is, hope is for sissies.'


[User] When I get out of here, I'm not gonna be afraid anymore. I mean, how Many guys get a second chance?

[Assistant] Too Many. Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance.


[User] And to your other sister.

[Assistant] You realize you're reciting lines from last season?


[User] We're gonna do all the things I promised. Just help me get out of this bed.

[Assistant] Cooling blankets in here. This guy's brain is about to boil. [he returns to the bedside. He snaps his fingers twice to get Evan's attention] Do you know where you are? What's your name?


[User] We've got him on broad-spectrum antibiotics but he's slipped from delirium into a coma.

[Assistant] Good news is the last time Brock was in a coma, he fathered two Parkldren.


[User] Unless it's a fungus. We could see that under a microscope.

[Assistant] Test him for fungi, parasites, all creatures great and small.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To lie down. I need to think. Could be rat bite fEver. But his glands aren't swollen. Which one are you gonna get?


[User] She told me to get the one I want.

[Assistant] So get it. Listeria explains the sepsis, possibly also the heart pRoblem.


[User] But not the numbness.

[Assistant] If the listeria caused encephalomyelitis which then caused the numbness.


[User] I want a waterbed.

[Assistant] Wow.


[User] I've always wanted one. I know it's ridiculous. It's just! There's something nice about the thought of being rocked to sleep in water. [pause] No mocking? No Freudian analysis of how the waterbed is really a great big vagina I want to crawl into?

[Assistant] I'm ignoring you because you make me sad. He's on ampicillin. Which means if it's listeria he would have shown some improvement.


[User] No. It's a whole! thing. You need special sheets and insurance and "�

[Assistant] Who cares? You wanted one your whole life. You're a grown up. You can afford it. Stores sell them.


[User] Most adults don't go through life the way you do, House, indulging our Every whim.

[Assistant] You don't deserve to be happy.


[User] And yet I am. You?

[Assistant] It is stupid. [he puts down the pillow and starts to leave] Live the dream, Wilson. It's not an infection. It's an allergy. That's why it's not responding to antibiotics.


[User] This isn't a soap opera, House. People don't just wake up from comas the second you give them drugs.

[Assistant] Especially if we give them the wrong drugs. What'd the tests say?


[User] It was negative for fungus and parasites. But that doesn't mean"�

[Assistant] The more infections we rule out, the more likely it is that it's not an infection.


[User] He has no history of allergies or asthma. Most importantly, none of his symptoms remotely resemble an allergic reaction.

[Assistant] Allergens could trigger an allergic vasculitis. That would explain the symptoms.


[User] One in a million times. Septic infection always explains his symptoms.

[Assistant] But an infection is nEver resistant to Every antibiotic.


[User] An infection is rarely resistant "�

[Assistant] And allergy nEver responds to antibiotics. NEver beats rarely. QED I won. There were chrysanthemums in his dressing room.


[User] My God. Why didn't you say he'd been exposed to plant life.

[Assistant] Chrysanthemums contain pyrethrins, a neurotoxin and a know allergen.


[User] He has an infection. If we give him steroids, we'll kill him.

[Assistant] He has an allergy. If we don't give him steroids, we'll kill him.


[User] Not as fast.

[Assistant] Fast enough. We don't have time for the rest of the tests. We have to do something. And what we're doing right now isn't working. A hundred milligrams methylprednisilone.


[User] Patients' names?

[Assistant] It's one Patient.


[User] You want to give one Patient a hundred milligrams? That'll jump-start a car.

[Assistant] Perfect. The Patient's in a '69 Ford Coma.


[User] Anything over 50 milligrams, I need a sign-off from Dr. Cuddy. It's protocol. And the inspector's here.

[Assistant] I am 99% certain that she'll consent. [he heads behind the counter] For the sake of the 1%, why don't I just!


[User] You're not allowed back here.

[Assistant] Well, tell the inspector he can put it on my tab.


[User] 100 milligrams of methylprednisilone is an overdose.

[Assistant] We were wrong about the infection. He's suffering from a sEvere allergic reaction.


[User] The team hasn't finished the test for allergy. His symptoms don't "�

[Assistant] In rare cases! Trust me. At the end of this conversation, I'm right.


[User] Then confirm it. Get a blood test.

[Assistant] What is it about this sEvere and deepening coma that makes you think we got time for protocol?


[User] Protocol has saved your Patient from having his thyroid destroyed and his blood drained.

[Assistant] If you think I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong. Don't talk about protocol.


[User] My job's on the line. You're job is on the line.

[Assistant] Okay. Here's what you do. You wait three minutes, then you call security. By the time they get here and lock me up, I'll be done. He gets to live and your ass gets to be covered.


[User] He was still right. It was an allergy.

[Assistant] To what?


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] I was wrong. [to Cuddy] You should have stopped me. [he leaves]


[User] Hello?

[Assistant] Don't hang up. What was the verdict?


[User] $200,000 fine.

[Assistant] You should have been fired.


[User] Good night, House.

[Assistant] There are bubbles in his glass.


[User] Can't this wait until "�

[Assistant] My Patient is allergic to quinine. [Cuddy turns on the light and sits up.]


[User] And you got this from bubbles?

[Assistant] The symptoms started two months ago. It's also when Brock started downing gin and tonics like a Brit staving off malaria. The gin was fake. The tonic was real.


[User] And tonic water is loaded with quinine. Huh. Nice job.

[Assistant] You should've been fired.


[User] I'm taking back the TV.

[Assistant] I saved his life.


[User] That wasn't the deal.

[Assistant] The contract clearly stated no takesy backsides.


[User] Good night, House.

[Assistant] What are you wearing.


[User] Good night, House.

[Assistant] Good night, Cuddy.


[User] Do you like that?

[Assistant] Uh...I don't know.


[User] Do you want me to use my butt again?

[Assistant] [House sees a very short flashback of someone bleeding.] I don't know how I got here. [Exhales into his hand and smells his breath.] How Many drinks did I have?


[User] Your scotch hasn't Even arrived yet.

[Assistant] That means I was drunk when I got here. [Looks at his watch.] 8:50. [Thinks.] I remember being at work. I've lost at least four hours. [To the dancer.] Say five words.


[User] [Still dancing.] What do you mean?

[Assistant] That's four words. The accepted diagnostic test for global memory impairment is five random words.


[User] Are you okay?

[Assistant] I'm...[Dancer sits on his lap.] Trying to find that out. Give me five... Animals.


[User] Um...Cat. Bird. Monkey. Rhino. Goldfish.

[Assistant] [Closes his eyes.] Monkey, Rhino... [Grabs his head.] Either I'm massively drunk "� [Looks at blood on fingertips.]


[User] [Sees the blood on his hand.] Oh, you're bleeding.

[Assistant] Or it's someone else's blood. Do you see a wound? [Dancer winces as she looks at his scalp.] How bad is it?


[User] It's all over.

[Assistant] I have a concussion. Retrograde amnesia. [Pats his pockets.] I have no keys, no phone. I've been mugged.


[User] No you haven't. You already gave me a twenty.

[Assistant] Did you earn it?


[User] Not yet.

[Assistant] Someone is going to die.


[User] [Looks alarmed and yells toward the bouncer.] Kenny!

[Assistant] Not you. I saw something, a symptom. Someone is going to die unless I find them.


[User] Who?

[Assistant] I have no idea. Keep the change. I saw somebody dying.


[User] You saw thirty people flying into glass and metal.

[Assistant] I saw a symptom before the crash.


[User] You're concussed. You don't know what you saw and you don't know when you saw it. A week ago, you noticed a symptom in a soap star.

[Assistant] Bad argument. Since I was right about that.


[User] [Finishes pulling stuff out of Houses head.] That's all of it. A few stitches will hold your brain in place. [Starts trying to put in the first stitch.]

[Assistant] [Pulls away.] Ow!


[User] Hey! Hold your head still unless you want me to sew your nose under your eye.

[Assistant] Why was I taking the bus?


[User] Because you were drunk.

[Assistant] What if I saw someone and I followed them on from... Somewhere in Princeton?


[User] You okay?

[Assistant] Perfect. Uh...Uh...You. [Points to Taub.] Get histories from Everyone in here.


[User] Did you just forget his name?

[Assistant] No. [To Thirteen] Lesbian. Find out if anybody on that bus was taken to other hospitals.


[User] You just forgot mine.

[Assistant] No, Thirteen. I just wanted to call you a lesbian.


[User] I'm not a lesbian.

[Assistant] I was rounding up, from 50%. [To Kutner] Find my cane and motorcycle. Figure out where I went last night.


[User] [Pulls out a pen and opens a file.] Where's your cane and motorcycle? And where'd you go last night?

[Assistant] You're going to trust me? I lie about Everything. [The three of them leave.] How much bigger could it get?


[User] You don't think it's "� [House motions for Wilson to get the crutch nearby for him. Wilson grabs it and hands it to House.] A little weird that there's both a giant crash and a simultaneous, mysterious symptom sighting? [House realises something.]

[Assistant] What if it's not a coincidence?


[User] You mean like the hand of God reaParkng down and screwing with you?

[Assistant] That... Or the symptom caused the crash. [Looks around.] Did you see anybody in a bus driver's uniform? Right here. Purpura on Ralph Klamden's neck, indicative of leukaemia. Caused a bleed in the brain, and hence the accident.


[User] I have leukaemia?

[Assistant] No, we just ruled that out, pay attention. [To Wilson] He pRobably had a seizure.


[User] I didn't have a seizure. I got hit by a garbage truck.

[Assistant] Which you drove into while you were seizing.


[User] You saw the bus driver exhibiting the initial stages of a seizure and didn't bother telling him to pull over?

[Assistant] Hey! [House walks over to one of the crash victims being wheeled out in a wheelchair by a nurse.] Nobody leaves here until I say they can be discharged.


[User] She said I was "�

[Assistant] Is she me? [Feels his forehead.] You have a fEver.


[User] 98.6.

[Assistant] I need him to stay.


[User] I just have a stiff neck from the crash.

[Assistant] Stiff neck. [Yells to Everyone in the ER.] This Man has meningitis. We need to quarantine the whole ER. No one leaves here until their full workup is complete.


[User] You left here at 5:23 p.m. Your motorcycle nEver made it home.

[Assistant] Well, that covers ten seconds out of the four hours I can't remember. Where else did you look?


[User] The other eight were taken over to Princeton General.

[Assistant] [Looking through the files.] It would be helpful if these came with head shots and resumes.


[User] [Reading off one of the files.] Twenty-something year-old Jane Doe. Kidney contusion, laceration on her leg "�

[Assistant] Both of which are expected complications when someone goes from 60 to 0 in no seconds flat.


[User] The weirdest thing we've got is a ruptured spleen.

[Assistant] Okay, new plan. We make a list of all the bars between here and the crash site. Find out where I went, we go there "�


[User] On it. [The three of them start to leave.]

[Assistant] You're not going to do anything, are you?


[User] We're going to go to the ER and do our jobs.

[Assistant] Someone is dying because I can't remember "�


[User] Medical hypnosis can bring the brain to a class II theta state, increasing focus and memory retrieval.

[Assistant] You're not doing to make me do the Parkcken dance, are you?


[User] [In a soft voice.] Just relax. Keep letting go of any intrusive thoughts.

[Assistant] [Lying back with his eyes closed.] So what, you saw an ad on the back of a comic book?


[User] Wilson is done talking now. [Chase glares at Wilson.] Visualize the bus. The way it looked. The way it smelled. The people on it. What they look like.

[Assistant] This is a waste of... [Suddenly House is on the bus, which is empty.] Time. [Looks around.] Cool. [Chase appears on the bus in front of him.]


[User] Focus on the details.

[Assistant] The bus is empty. [House suddenly sees a hand waving in front of him. We are back in Houses office and we see that Wilson is waving his hand in House's face who is just staring straight ahead.]


[User] Shh. [Resumes talking to House.] Just focus. Clear your mind. [Back on the bus, now Wilson is there too.] Think back to how you felt. Details you saw.

[Assistant] [Looks around.] I can't see out the windows, and I can see you guys.


[User] Why did you get so drunk at five in the afternoon, alone?

[Assistant] I need a reason? [Looks to his right and Wilson is sitting next to him.] God, I hate 'beer' brand beer.


[User] He...

[Assistant] I can be mistaken, but I can't actually lie under hypnosis. [Continues drinking.]


[User] What are you running away from?

[Assistant] When I'm drinking without you? What am I running away from? Hmm, One of those imponderables. Can you hold off on your insecurities until we find this Patient?


[User] Do you see anyone in the bar?

[Assistant] [Looks around sees some people playing pool, some just drinking, all of them have no faces.] I see a faceless crowd. How do I focus? Say something to make me focus. [Amber appears in the corner.]


[User] He's concerned about you. Why does that mean he's insecure?

[Assistant] [To Wilson] Will you get your girlfriend out of here?


[User] Amber's there? You've got Amber in your head?

[Assistant] You put her in my head. I can't Even have a conversation with you in my subconscious without her tagging along.


[User] Well she better have her clothes on.

[Assistant] [Sighs] Unfortunately. [Pause] I didn't mean to say that out loud.


[User] Say what out loud?

[Assistant] I didn't say it out loud? Nothing.


[User] What's going on in there?

[Assistant] [To Chase] If I can't lie, I need these two out of here.


[User] Let's just ignore Wilson and Amber for now, shall we?

[Assistant] I wish it were that "� [Notices that Wilson and Amber have disappeared.] That's some program they got down there in Melbourne. [He picks up a fluted glass of what looks like champagne.] Cheers. [House looks up as he raises his glass and sees the Bartender.] I remember the Bartender.


[User] Good. Now you're accessing your temporal lobe. Does the Bartender have any odd symptoms?

[Assistant] He seems fine. [Looks around] Anybody here sick? Anyone here taking the bus?


[User] You are.

[Assistant] [Looks at the Bartender again.] Because... You took my keys.


[User] Good. This is good. Now we can retrace your steps. Let's go back to the bus. What's in front of you?

[Assistant] [Back on the bus. He can see all the passengers.] Passengers.


[User] Anything, special about them?

[Assistant] Some emo guitar hero wannabe.


[User] You're focusing on him, why?

[Assistant] [Emo Guy picks his nose.] Because nose picking could mean nasal pruritus. He's dying. [To Emo Guy.] You a nose picker?


[User] Do I have to answer?

[Assistant] If the answer was no, you would have answered. Tilt your head back.


[User] He's fine. He doesn't Even have meningitis, just like Everybody else we've had to give meningitis shots to. [To Emo Guy.] You can go.

[Assistant] You have a brain tumour.


[User] You're kidding, right?

[Assistant] If I was kidding, I'd be dressed like you.


[User] You're fine. A nurse will sign you out.

[Assistant] Go home. Have fun. Relax. I'm pRobably just a nut case. [Emo Guy looks at Cuddy.]


[User] [Sighs.] Tilt your head back.

[Assistant] [Looks in Emo Guy's nose, sees nothing of interest.] You can get your things and go.


[User] [Yelling.] Oh! Oh! I can't get up. I can't move my legs.

[Assistant] Your legs are not your biggest pRoblem. Your biggest pRoblem is... I don't know what your biggest pRoblem is. So, we have the who, but not the what.


[User] We've only got one symptom to go on. Sudden onset paralysis.

[Assistant] We actually have two symptoms.


[User] Guillain-Barr� fits.

[Assistant] [Makes some weird arm movements, Everyone looks at him.] I'm just trying to figure out what Guillain-Barr� looks like.


[User] You can't just eliminate Everything because it doesn't match what you might have seen.

[Assistant] How about because it doesn't match what I could have seen? Guillain-Barr� has no external physical Manifestations.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To smell a bus, obviously. [Taub, Thirteen and Kutner follow him out. Foreman stays behind.]


[User] Why are you smelling the passengers' clothes?

[Assistant] Smell is the most powerful evokerater of memory. [Takes a couple of Vicodin.] I need to get back on that bus.


[User] Okay. So why are you taking so much Vicodin?

[Assistant] If Cuddy asks, blocking the pain helps focus the memory.


[User] You split your head open, you should rest. [Hands him another piece of clothing.] Anything?

[Assistant] A hint of... Exploded bus. [Takes another couple of Vicodin.]


[User] House, that's four Vicodin in forty seconds. At this rate...

[Assistant] [Dumping all the clothes onto the table.] Wish me luck. I'm going in. Rambo style. [Slams his head down in the clothes.]


[User] House, do you think this is going to work, or are you just stoned?

[Assistant] [Stands up again and now he's back on the bus.] Both, apparently.


[User] You're wrong. It's not working.

[Assistant] So, you're saying I'm not here. [Walking towards the bus driver.]


[User] If this were a real memory, you'd be limping. [House looks down and notices that he isn't limping.] And you wouldn't be talking to me. I'm obviously a hallucination.

[Assistant] Okay. So I went a little heavy on the Vicodin. We're both in my head. You'd think one of us would have noticed the blood.


[User] Why haven't you had a head CT yet?

[Assistant] Who do you want me to treat? Me or you? Did you have a seizure?


[User] Dumb question. The brain's too fried during a seizure to form memories.

[Assistant] Dumb answer. I wasn't asking you, I was asking me. Because you've already proven that you're not here.


[User] I'm getting a headache.

[Assistant] Is that a clue?


[User] He can't. [House turns around and sees that same dark haired Woman from earlier on, now there are other passengers around.] The hallucination is your messed up brain's way of reasoning out a pRoblem.

[Assistant] You weren't on the bus.


[User] How do you know?

[Assistant] Five hundred dollar shoes. Not on a Princeton cross-town.


[User] Must be another reason why I'm here.

[Assistant] Yes. What do you have to tell me? [Wilson slaps his hand on House's shoulder, bringing him back to the present. House is annoyed.] I was talking to the passengers on the bus!


[User] [Monitoring the test.] Stop fidgeting.

[Assistant] If you haven't found the bleed yet, it can't be "�


[User] There's edema, and localized swelling in the section of the temporal lobe that controls short-term memory. Also, the penis size cortex is set to pathetic. What didn't you say out loud?

[Assistant] Very little.


[User] When you were under hypnosis, you were talking to Amber?

[Assistant] I wanted to see her naked.


[User] Seriously, what were you hiding?

[Assistant] I want to see her naked.


[User] You want to see Everyone naked. Why would you hide that?

[Assistant] [Laughs.] Well some guys get upset when you objectify their girlfriends. But if you're okay, I've got a digital video camera. So we could "�


[User] Why would I be upset that you're treating my girlfriend like you treat Every other Woman on the planet, unless...You're not? Unless it's deeper than that. You WEREN'T objectifying her.

[Assistant] Trust me. I want to do some very nasty, demeaning stuff to your girlfriend.


[User] It's a longitudinal fracture of the temporal bone.

[Assistant] I banged my head.


[User] This isn't just a boo-boo.

[Assistant] I'll rest once I've figured out what's wrong with this guy.


[User] Why? Why this guy? You want Patients with weird undiagnosed symptoms? You get five files like that on your desk Every morning and you'd nEver risk your life for them. [House turns around.] Why is this guy so special, so that you become BatMan?

[Assistant] I don't know.


[User] It's two in the morning. You should be home resting what's left of your bruised brain.

[Assistant] Recovery's too fast.


[User] It's my stomach. Oh... [Lies down on his back.]

[Assistant] Which means it's not transverse myelitis.


[User] Rapid onset. It could be a perforated ulcer.

[Assistant] Wouldn't explain the paralysis. Addison's, from a tumour. It's possible that I saw his eyelids droop.


[User] We've scanned his head five times. [Looks at House and notices blood dripping from his ear.] You're bleeding.

[Assistant] A little thing called a bus crash. It's just a scalp laceration. It could be hidden in his optic Parkasm.


[User] It's coming from your ear. You think that's a good thing?

[Assistant] [Ignores Foreman.] But that would have affected his eyesight. I need to take a bath.


[User] Hallucinations and smells were kind of working, right? Why the bath?

[Assistant] Hypnosis gave me a nose picker. Smells set off hallucinations. Sensory deprivation should get the brain into an alpha-theta phase. [Hands the rest of the salt to Thirteen and then takes off his shirt.] Didn't you see Altered States?


[User] I don't think I was Even born when that movie was out.

[Assistant] Well then you're too young to be a doctor. That movie was released in 1980.


[User] That was twenty-eight years ago.

[Assistant] No, it wasn't, shut up.


[User] Did you just forget what year it is?

[Assistant] No. I just remembered how old I am. [Gets into the tank.] I need to give my brain time to transition so I can embrace my inner monkey. Or maybe I don't. Give me some physostigmine. It crosses the blood-brain barrier.


[User] And act like a nerve gas, stop your heart, you'll go to heaven and be omniscient. Good idea. Not going to happen. [Starts closing the lid. House stops her.]

[Assistant] Don't do anything. Even if I escape. Eat a goat. Get shot by police "�


[User] I didn't know you rode the bus.

[Assistant] I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got MAD-D. What are you doing here? You weren't on the bus with me.


[User] [Gets up and walks over to House.] Then I guess this isn't a memory. It's a fantasy.

[Assistant] If it's a fantasy, you'd be wearing... This. [Cuddy clothes suddenly change to a much skimpier outfit.]


[User] You're convinced your Patient is dying, and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?

[Assistant] Don't blame me. Blame my gender.


[User] Well, I'm not here to indulge that. I'm here to help you figure out what symptom you saw. Your Patient was driving the bus, so all you could see "�

[Assistant] Why can't you do both?


[User] Your Patient was driving the bus, so all you could see was him sitting down. Most likely facing forward.

[Assistant] [House smiles as he watches Cuddy.] From behind, I saw his earlobes wiggling. Or his head bobbing. [Cuddy takes off her top and drops it on House's face. House sits stunned for a few seconds and then takes it off his face, as Cuddy gives him a nice look at her ass.] But not that.


[User] Could indiCate aortic insufficiency.

[Assistant] Marfan's syndrome.


[User] Or syphilis. [Takes off her skirt. She is now just wearing her white bra and underwear - which are glowing under the black light - and her black stiletto's as she swings around the pole to face House again.]

[Assistant] What if his earlobes were just drooping?


[User] Ehlers-Danlos?

[Assistant] Or cutis laxa.


[User] It's not fatal in adults. [She turns around. With her back to House she unclips her bra.]

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's an adult, very good point. Keep going. [She holds her bra up and turns around to House again who is leaning forward watParkng very closely.]


[User] I'm distracting you. [She stops dancing, and sits down beside House. She's wearing a suit again.]

[Assistant] [Screams.] No! Dance, Woman!


[User] You'd rather be diagnosing.

[Assistant] I screamed no.


[User] Hey, over here. [House looks up at the bus driver and Cuddy disappears.] Remember me? I'm the sick guy. [House gets up and walks over, without limping.]

[Assistant] Tell me what I saw.


[User] Was it the blood dripping from my ear? [Shows House his ear which is dripping blood.]

[Assistant] That doesn't make sense. Because your shirt wasn't stained. And because that was me. [House's ear starts bleeding.]


[User] I could have had a subtle hemiballismus, indicating the early stages of Huntington's.

[Assistant] Huntington's wouldn't explain the abdominal pain. And it's only on the table because we're thinking of Thirteen.


[User] A shuffling gait could suggest Parkinson's.

[Assistant] Except there's no such thing as shuffling sitting.


[User] [Appears behind him.] He moved when he helped the old lady up the steps.

[Assistant] [Turns around and walks over to her.] Who are you?


[User] I'm the answer. Look.

[Assistant] At what?


[User] Here. [House turns around, the bus is full of people and the Bus Driver is helping an old lady up the steps.]

[Assistant] [To Mystery Woman.] You were right. [Turns around and is suddenly blinded with light, which brings him back to the present as Foreman, Cuddy, Wilson, and Thirteen open the lid to the tank.]


[User] Help him up.

[Assistant] [Jumps up.] I got it! It's Parkinson's.


[User] House. Your ear.

[Assistant] Start him on levodopa.


[User] House!

[Assistant] Get that out of my face.


[User] Welcome back. I'm Nurse Dickerson.

[Assistant] I don't need your name. And I got your profession from your super competent technique of melting my retinas.


[User] Verbal faculties seem to be intact. Do you remember passing out?

[Assistant] I remember puking on Cuddy's shoes. [Turns his head.] Ow.


[User] Yeah. Skull fractures tend to hurt.

[Assistant] It'd hurt a lot less if you didn't swipe my pain pills.


[User] Dr. Cuddy's orders. Wants me to regulate the amount "�

[Assistant] [Sees a security guard standing near the door.] Wait a second, you brought muscle?


[User] Dr. Cuddy's orders.

[Assistant] Means I was wrong. My Patient doesn't have Parkinson's. Cuddy knows that's the only reason I wouldn't want to stay here with my pain pills, porn, and you forEver. [Tries to sit up, Nurse Dickerson pushes him back down.]


[User] Thank you. But Wilson's wouldn't explain "� [Phone rings and he answers it.] Foreman.

[Assistant] [Lying on his couch using his mobile.] How did you eliminate Parkinson's?


[User] Well, the tests confirmed the abdominal pain was caused by liver failure.

[Assistant] I assume you've already ruled out hepatitis and Wilson's.


[User] Give him five minutes. Brainstorming a few possibilities isn't going to explode his brain.

[Assistant] Then if she's wrong, that makes this phone call that much more exciting. What about hepatic fibrosis?


[User] It could be thyrotoxic periodic paralysis.

[Assistant] Did I mention this diagnosis needs to make sense?


[User] Why doesn't it make sense? The bus driver's Asian, his potassium is slightly low "�

[Assistant] If he got paralysed while driving the bus, don't you think I would have gotten off at the next stop?


[User] Not if the next stop was at a 90 degree angle into an SUV.

[Assistant] The bus would have slowed, I would have noticed "�


[User] TPP has all the confirmed symptoms. There's no downside to testing.

[Assistant] Genetic test is too slow. [Nurse takes phone away from him so he yells out.] Run the bagel test!


[User] [Answers it.] Yeah?

[Assistant] [In his bathroom using a different phone.] So the carbo-loading marathon isn't working. [Kutner looks around surprised.] Stop looking around suspiciously. To answer your next two questions, no, I am not there, and yes, you are completely predictable. If the test had worked, you would have called to put my deliCate brain at ease. [Nurse knocks on the bathroom door.]


[User] I told you not to lock the door.

[Assistant] [Yells out.] Still wiping! [To Kutner.] Put the phone up to bus driver's grill. [Kutner does as he's told and House listens to the bus driver's breathing.]


[User] Who are you talking to?

[Assistant] My large colon. [To Kutner.] TPP is not consistent with your Patient's laboured breathing.


[User] Did you take my cell phone?

[Assistant] My large colon did. I'm negotiating its release.


[User] Help!

[Assistant] What's happening?


[User] The test worked. He collapsed.

[Assistant] You're half right. He's wheezing, isn't he?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] You can't wheeze without moving your chest muscles. This isn't TPP.


[User] Then what is it?

[Assistant] Well how am I supposed to know? I'm not there! [Hangs up the phone.]


[User] It must be a pulmonary embolism. [Cuddy walks in with House.]

[Assistant] So why haven't you pushed a vial of tPA?


[User] I asked him back in.

[Assistant] At the tail end of me Patiently explaining how you idiots were idiots.


[User] We pushed tPA ten minutes ago.

[Assistant] That means it's not a clot.


[User] Get him to the OR to suck it out.

[Assistant] Must have just screwed up the intubation. [Checks the tube.] Seal's good.


[User] It's a clot, House. [They start moving him out.]

[Assistant] Wait, wait. [They stop.] Look at his teeth. He's got shiny new caps. He's had recent dental surgery.


[User] House!

[Assistant] House! [Turns around and sees Thirteen standing there.] Oh. [To Thirteen] Get a syringe.


[User] [Yelling through the glass.] I didn't bring you back here so you could stage a coup! [Kutner tries to open the door but it doesn't budge. Thirteen goes to remove the crutch.]

[Assistant] Listen to me. [She stops.] Dental air drill pushed an air bubble into his gums. Dislodged while he was driving, and caused a myoclonic jerk. That's what I must have seen. Then it hit his spine, his liver, and now his lungs. [Moves the pillows from his head and sticks them under his feet.]


[User] [Knocks on the glass.] Dr. Hadley, open the door. (Transcribers note: We have a name! From here on out I will be referring to Thirteen as Hadley.)

[Assistant] I'm not plumping his pillows here. I'm putting him in the Trendelenburg position to move the bubble to the apex of his heart so you can suck it out, now get the damn syringe.


[User] I can't risk you stabbing him in the heart looking for an unconfirmed air bubble.

[Assistant] Stab him.


[User] [Bangs on the glass again.] Dr. Hadley!

[Assistant] See? She doesn't Even know your name. [Yells.] Stab his heart! [MaParknes start beeping.]


[User] [Looks at the screen.] Sat's at 75.

[Assistant] Yes, he's suffocating.


[User] If you're wrong "�

[Assistant] Shut up and make a decision. You keep standing there, he's dead either way.


[User] Open that door. [Hadley stabs his heart just as they finally Manage to get the door open.]

[Assistant] [Holds up his hands.] Don't shoot!


[User] The O2 sats. [MaParknes stop beeping.] There was an air bubble. He's okay.

[Assistant] The other nurse always used to tuck me in.


[User] I'll be on the couch. With a shotgun in my lap.

[Assistant] Worrying about me?


[User] Making sure you don't try and make a limp for the border. Get some sleep. [Turns out the light.]

[Assistant] I'm not sleepy, Mummy.


[User] [Takes the blanket off and sits up.] Me neither.

[Assistant] Who are you? And why are you stalking me?


[User] Technically, you're stalking me. [She plays with her necklace.]

[Assistant] [Looks at her necklace which is a yellow orangey colour with something in it.] What is that? Mosquito?


[User] Maybe just a fly.

[Assistant] In the ointment. So there's something wrong. There's some detail I'm not noticing that's spoiling the big picture. Is this significant? Or is this dream just going in a different direction now?


[User] I guess that depends. [Still brushing House's hand against her cheek.] What are you going to do with that?

[Assistant] [House looks his hand which has a red ribbon in it.] I have to tie this around you. [Ties it around her leg.]


[User] I'm cold.

[Assistant] Stay with me. Why did I say that? [Blood starts to ooze onto the ribbon.] Hey.


[User] Go away.

[Assistant] It's not over. [She turns around and looks at him.] I saved the wrong person. [She sits up.] This wasn't just a dream or a fantasy, or a drug-induced trip to Wonderland.


[User] So the bus driver with the air bubble was just a coincidence?

[Assistant] Nope. I got the causation flipped. The bubble didn't cause the crash. The crash caused the bubble to dislodge. There was no myoclonic jerk. I saw something else in someone else.


[User] You're not leaving. [House walks over to the closet and pulls out a blood pressure arm band and puts it around his arm and starts pumping.]

[Assistant] What's the most dangerous thing a Patient could do when his brain is on the brink of herniating?


[User] Elevated heart rate, BP... Which is exactly why you need to stop. [House grabs her hand and sticks it on his neck so she can check his heart rate.]

[Assistant] Instead of sleeping, I'm going to be pacing around this apartment trying to decipher those visions.


[User] Why does this matter so much?

[Assistant] I don't know. Heart rate?


[User] 127

[Assistant] BP? [She walks away and grabs a stethoscope.] Contextual memory. I need to get back on that bus with all 31 passengers to remember who and what I saw.


[User] I'm not going to call in crash victims because you've gone insane.

[Assistant] Maybe I don't need the actual victims. Who's playing Anne McKeehan? [Cameron raises her hand.] Right here. Jane Doe #2 from Princeton General. [Hadley.] Right here. You two, that's right. Goth kid. [Points to where to sit, Kutner sits there.] Yeah. [Foreman walks up to House.] At the back on the right. [Foreman sits.] Yeah. Here. [Everyone is now in their places.] Okay...


[User] You think that staring at pictures on our shirts is going to be more effective than hypnosis?

[Assistant] Well, if only you'd stop talking, the re-enactment could stimulate activity in my hippocampus and parahippocampal cortex.


[User] [Stands up.] Are you okay? [House stares into space.] What'd you see?

[Assistant] It just slipped away. [Takes some pills.]


[User] Is that Vicodin?

[Assistant] Nope. Just a little memory pick-me-up.


[User] Are you crazy? Alzheimer's drugs will make your brain go into overdrive.

[Assistant] That's the point. It'll speed up my neuronal firing. Turn up the voltage on my memory.


[User] And blow out your heart. How Many did you take?

[Assistant] Just now? Or including the ones I took on the ride over?


[User] House.

[Assistant] [Looks to his right and sees the mystery Woman sitting facing him. She is wearing a red scarf now.] Why are you here?


[User] You beliEve in reason above all else. There must be a reason.

[Assistant] You have something to tell me.


[User] Yes. Who am I?

[Assistant] That's asking, not telling. Who are you?


[User] You know who I am.

[Assistant] If I did, I'd be passed out in bed instead of OD'ing on physostigmine on the 6th Street cross-town.


[User] What's my necklace made of?

[Assistant] [Looks down at the necklace.] Resin.


[User] Who am I?

[Assistant] I don't know. Why the guessing game?


[User] Because you don't know the answer.

[Assistant] And if I don't, you don't. But you know the clues.


[User] I know what's bugging your subconscious. What's my necklace made of?

[Assistant] [Looks at the necklace again, realises and whispers.] No.


[User] Who am I?

[Assistant] [Shakes his head.] Doesn't make sense.


[User] What's my necklace made of?

[Assistant] Amber. I have to tie this around you. [Removes the red scarf from around her neck and uses it as a tourniquet around her right leg.]


[User] I'm cold.

[Assistant] Stay with me. Just stay with me.


[User] You idiot! Your heart stopped.

[Assistant] Amber.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Amber. It was Amber. [Tries to sit up, Cuddy helps his head onto her lap.] She was on the bus.


[User] You almost kill yourself, and all we're getting is drug-induced fantasies.

[Assistant] Have you spoken to her?


[User] She's pRobably working. She's... She's been on call. [Looks at his watch.] I called her... [Starts to realise.] She didn't call... I... I... How could she...

[Assistant] I don't know... Jane Doe #2.


[User] [Realises what he wants, grabs the file and starts reading from it.] Female. Late twenties. Kidney damage. Does Amber have a birthmark on her right shoulder blade? [Looks at Wilson. Wilson turns and looks at House.]

[Assistant] She was on the bus with me. She's the one who's dying.


[User] [vo] Previously on House.

[Assistant] [vo] I don't know how I got here. I saw a symptom before the crash. Why was I taking the bus?


[User] Taxing an already injured brain.

[Assistant] Someone is dying because I can't remember. [vo] It was Amber. She was on the bus with me. She's the one who's dying.


[User] Her heart won't stop racing. No idea what's causing it.

[Assistant] Sure it wasn't the bus that landed on her?


[User] [barely audible] Oh, my God.

[Assistant] Delayed reaction to the trauma. She lost both her kidneys in the bus crash. She ripped up her femoral artery.


[User] We fixed the artery, got her on dialysis for the kidneys. WhatEver's doing this to her heart, it isn't from the crash.

[Assistant] Check her potassium?


[User] She's been under the whole time. She had no ID.

[Assistant] Pushed adenosine?


[User] And verapamil, and floated the swan an hour ago.

[Assistant] Coronary angiography?


[User] Three critical Patients ahead of her. We'll have her in within the hour.

[Assistant] We're fifteen minutes away from Princeton Plainsboro by ambulance.


[User] You wanna move her? Her heart rate is a hundred and thirty.

[Assistant] She's hemodynamically stable. We're moving her.


[User] You're not her doctor. You can't make that decision.

[Assistant] [looking towards Wilson] Her husband can. [loudly for Wilson to play along] Right?


[User] Move her.

[Assistant] If the trauma didn't damage her heart...


[User] [still grief-stricken] Why was she on the bus?

[Assistant] I don't know. If she had any underlying condition, the accident could have exacerbated it.


[User] Why were you with her?

[Assistant] [shouts] I don't know! I'm not hiding anything. I just don't remember. What else could damage her heart? Wilson, don't get lost! I'm barely coherent. I need your help right now. V-fib! Charging.


[User] Okay. Okay.

[Assistant] Clear.


[User] Wait, wait, wait! Protective hypothermia.

[Assistant] You wanna freeze her? Her heart's not beating.


[User] Her heart's already damaged. If you restart it, it'll keep racing, shoot off free radicals, and kill her brain. We ice her down, put her on bypass until you've diagnosed her.

[Assistant] This is not a solution. All you're doing is pressing pause.


[User] [begging] Please.

[Assistant] Cold saline solution.


[User] Why are we doing this?

[Assistant] Bought us time to think. The trauma must have stimulated a pre-existing heart condition.


[User] Autoimmune congenital anomaly, blood clotting disorder, lead poisoning...

[Assistant] [gives her a healthy dose of frustrated sarcasm] Great! Let's explore that. Quick, get her on panacea.


[User] EKG, nope. Heart's in the off position. Thallium uptake scan? Useless on a cold heart.

[Assistant] [berating] Yeah, we get it. Her heart's not beating. It's gonna make it harder to diagnose. On the other hand, she's not gonna die while you're whining about it. What else?


[User] Why not cyanide? He's a mess. He needs to sleep.

[Assistant] [to Kutner] I had a heart attack this morning. Can't do any more drugs till lunch. Get her an angiogram. Could show damage Even in a stopped heart. Rest of you search her apartment. Toxins, heavy metals, drugs, anything that might make her heart race.


[User] I need to know if there's anything medically relevant that you couldn't share publicly.

[Assistant] [looks around in mock-concern] Is this a Philanderers Anonymous intervention?


[User] You were obviously drinking last night. Maybe you took Amber to a bar.

[Assistant] I left here on my motorcycle alone.


[User] You ended up drunk on a bus together. Maybe you met Amber in the bar.

[Assistant] [gets a file out of the drawer] I was not having an affair with her.


[User] You can't really say that if you don't remember.

[Assistant] I lost four hours, not four months.


[User] [vo] Are you okay?

[Assistant] Can't really say "yes" when it's a hallucination asking.


[User] Don't worry, you're just dreaming.

[Assistant] What symptom did I see in you? A myoclonic jerk...


[User] Boring.

[Assistant] An incredibly rare neurological symptom is boring? Am I in someone else's subconscious?


[User] [slowly] What did we do last night?

[Assistant] Was I meeting you for a drink?


[User] Do I feel familiar? What do you feel? [breathes into his ear] Electricity.

[Assistant] Electricity. I know I saw the symptom. I know the memory's locked in my brain. Now I know how to get it.


[User] [simply] No.

[Assistant] [frowns] You don't Even know what I'm talking about.


[User] You need to rest. I have yet to hear about any study linking electricity and rest.

[Assistant] Deep brain stimulation. It's been proven. Electrical impulses applied directly to the hypothalamus could evoke detailed memories.


[User] [perking up a little] Amber. Amber. It's me.

[Assistant] [dismissive] Random spikes are common.


[User] [quietly] It's gonna be okay. I'm here with you.

[Assistant] The team has found something. Can you ask her if we can be excused? What?


[User] Sh-she'd have to be an addict to take enough for it to damage her heart. I'd know.

[Assistant] Did you know that she was hiding them in her vitamins?


[User] No, we've been over this. Starting her heart could cause brain damage, could burn out the heart muscle.

[Assistant] [thinks] Test her heart without starting it. Crack her chest open, reach a finger inside the pulmonary vein, run it across the valve.


[User] That's the safer course?

[Assistant] It is if we're wrong.


[User] If this were any other Patient...

[Assistant] If the valve is calcified, that's our answer. That's our cure. Go. "Thirteen". Who found the diet pills? You didn't Even go in the bathroom, did you? You're suddenly mute in the differentials. A blow-up doll would be more useful. And yes, that's the first time I've Ever implied something negative about a blow-up doll. [interrupts] Normally, I'd be fascinated. Today, don't care. Get over whatEver it is and do your job.


[User] We can stick a needle in her liver. If we see fibrosis, she's right.

[Assistant] Does Amber drink sherry?


[User] And the cardio fits just as well. But there's no way we can tell, since we can't take her temperature.

[Assistant] I had a dream. She was pouring me a glass. And since I'm a scotch-, beer-, gin-, and rum-Man...


[User] I know you love her and, uh, you're scared she's gonna die. But just making her colder and colder isn't a cure. It's not dealing with the reality.

[Assistant] Sherry means something.


[User] [decides to humour him] Amber doesn't Even drink sherry. House. Can we get back...?

[Assistant] If she did drink sherry, it would mean nothing. Since she doesn't, my subconscious is obviously trying to make some other point.


[User] A coaster with "Sharrie's Bar (Estd. 1954)". A glass of scotch is placed on it, by the Bartender.]

[Assistant] [getting up] Wilson's right. We need to make her colder.


[User] Putting more ice on her is just delaying the diagnosis.

[Assistant] [getting his coat] Not on, in. Fill in her lungs with slurry.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] Taking Wilson out for a drink.


[User] Is this the place?

[Assistant] [looks around] Maybe.


[User] ... for these.

[Assistant] Did you see me here with a-a tall blonde Woman?


[User] Yeah, I think she joined you after scotch number sEven.

[Assistant] Did she seem sick?


[User] She sneezed. I gave her a napkin.

[Assistant] Did you see the color of the sputum?


[User] I assume sputum means snot. Look, I see a lot of drunk Parkcks in here. I didn't have time to stop and analyze the color of your girlfriend's boogers.

[Assistant] [looking at Wilson, then back at the Bartender, venomously] She's not my girlfriend, genius.


[User] Last night, she was your girlfriend.

[Assistant] [to Wilson] Blood in the sputum could mean parasites. Any recent travel?


[User] You seemed into her?

[Assistant] [points his cane at the Bartender] If he had a brain, he wouldn't be tending bar. Sneezing's a new symptom. Let's assume the runny nose means an infection.


[User] I was six years old. I used to like helping out in my parents' store after school. Guy walks in to Rob the place. Ends up shooting them both. Wasn't fair. Took years, but I had to accept that's just the way it was. [beat] So you gonna help me fill her lungs up or not?

[Assistant] Tell me that the liver biopsy showed infiltrates, minor inflammation.


[User] Yeah. How...?

[Assistant] Snot on a napkin. Add the heart, infiltrates...


[User] [understands] Hep B.

[Assistant] Start her on IV interferon. I'll go tell Wilson.


[User] Hepatitis B is a lame diagnosis.

[Assistant] [whining] Oh, God. I get less rest when I'm asleep.


[User] I rise from the dead, and that's the reaction I get?

[Assistant] I'm sorry. If I had known, I would have started a breakaway Jewish sect. Hep B fits. Why are you doing that?


[User] Because Hep B doesn't fit.

[Assistant] Turn her over.


[User] We're about to start a second course of interferon.

[Assistant] Which she might not need once you turn her over. Small of her back.


[User] She's bruised. Why is that significant?

[Assistant] Look closer.


[User] A rash. How'd you know what was on the small of her back?

[Assistant] Either I'm still asleep, or I'm starting to remember.


[User] Dermatomyositis.

[Assistant] Wouldn't speed up her heart. Yes, the symptom that I saw on the bus was a rare interferon allergy that flares up two days before you take it.


[User] [in disbelief] How did you see the rash down there?

[Assistant] I don't know. Maybe she leaned over.


[User] Maybe it's not a rash at all. It could be an abscess.

[Assistant] "Thirteen", stick a needle in there. If there's pus, Foreman's right. I'm not asking you to stick a needle all the way through. Taub, you do it. [yelling] No, apparently, you can't!


[User] It's treatable. Doxycycline.

[Assistant] Allow eight hours for the antibiotics to take effect, then we warm her up, shock her heart.


[User] [retorts] We're nEver one hundred percent certain.

[Assistant] Run the blood cultures. After we get confirmation, then we'll restart her heart.


[User] [arguing] He's wrong. And you know he's wrong. You can't change your mind just because a family member starts crying. They're always scared.

[Assistant] [politely, yet sternly] I said, run the blood cultures. Sorry. Wide stance. Why are you screwing up? Did you hate her? 'S not guilt. That just leaves fear. Young Woman dying. Young doctor dying, in fact. That sound familiar? By not getting tested? Dealing with it by not dealing with it. It's clearly working beautifully. My grandson gave me a mug that says that. Okay. Enough hand-holding. Deal with it. Get back in there. Or pack up your stuff.


[User] [yelling] This was not your decision to make! You went behind my back. You went behind House's back.

[Assistant] [to himself] Inside voices.


[User] Heart, liver, rash, and now her brain.

[Assistant] Autoimmune fits best. Crash trauma could've set it off. Start her on prednisone, then we'll warm her up again. [sits]


[User] [shaking his head] You can't do this.

[Assistant] That's not a good argument. It's not an argument at all. I'm sorry.


[User] [struggling to remain calm] Cuddy's right. I was afraid to do anything. I thought if Everything just stopped, it would be okay.

[Assistant] And it's gonna be. Taub's starting the treatment. We're doing Everything...


[User] Not Everything. Before you warm her up... You said you wanted to try deep brain stimulation.

[Assistant] But there's no reason. We know the symptom, we know what I saw.


[User] What if it's not the rash? What if you noticed the rash in the ambulance or when we were putting her on bypass? What if there is still something else stuck inside your head?

[Assistant] You think I should risk my life to save Amber's.


[User] Inserting the IPG pRobe into your ventral hypothalamus. [to Wilson] Give me three volts.

[Assistant] [vo] Can't hear him.


[User] [co] Can't hear who?

[Assistant] Everything's in black and white.


[User] Who was talking? Is Amber there?

[Assistant] [to Chase] You're supposed to be jolting my hypothalamus, not petting it.


[User] We don't want to overload it.

[Assistant] As long as I'm risking my life, I might as well be watParkng a talkie.


[User] You're not getting them back.

[Assistant] Hey! You take my keys, you gotta give me a phone call.


[User] Who are you calling?

[Assistant] Dial-A-Wilson.


[User] Amber was home.

[Assistant] I told her to find you. Have you pick me up. [rolls his eyes] I said to find Wilson.


[User] [vo] Does she seem sick?

[Assistant] [shakes her head] Not yet.


[User] C'mon. Time to go.

[Assistant] Whoa. [calls the Bartender] Need another round! And a drink for... what passes for a lady around here? [to Amber] What's your poison?


[User] Nothing. [to the Bartender] We're leaving.

[Assistant] [imitating her] We're leaving, leaving, leaving, leaving... [remembers] Cosmos. I remember Wilson buying cranberry juice. [to the Bartender] I'll have another. And she'll have a Cosmopolitan.


[User] The obstinate drunk thing is not flattering. C'mon. You called for a ride.

[Assistant] Drink your drink, or I'll drink 'em both.


[User] Let's go.

[Assistant] [to the Bartender] Hey! We need another Cosmo here. She sneezed.


[User] Thanks.

[Assistant] Looks like snot. Seems like a cold.


[User] Nothing else?

[Assistant] [softly] No.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] Think I paid?


[User] House, what are you doing? You can barely walk.

[Assistant] Go home. I'll take the bus.


[User] Hey, someone's gotta pay for this.

[Assistant] Hi.


[User] You forgot something.

[Assistant] You don't give up, do you?


[User] Yeah, I'm an idiot that way.

[Assistant] You doing this for me or for Wilson?


[User] For Wilson.

[Assistant] [jerks a nod] Well, then it's Even more impressive. [holds out an imaginary glass] Salut.


[User] Ugh, damn, do you have a Kleenex?

[Assistant] I got a sleEve. I got two, actually.


[User] Is that it? The flu? Is there any rare complication?

[Assistant] [shakes his head] No. It would explain the rash, but nothing else. [looks downward] Unless...


[User] What?

[Assistant] [softly] Don't do it. It wasn't the flu. It's what she did for it. She has aMantadine poisoning.


[User] What? What's wrong?

[Assistant] AMantadine binds with proteins. Dialysis can't clear it out of the blood. There's nothing we can do. [to Wilson, morosely] I'm so sorry.


[User] Amber.

[Assistant] [eyes growing wide] Amber.


[User] Still non-responsive.

[Assistant] You're dead.


[User] Everybody dies.

[Assistant] Am I dead?


[User] Not yet.

[Assistant] Should be.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because life shouldn't be random. Because lonely, misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes, and young do-gooders in love, who get dragged out of their apartment in the middle of the night, should walk away clean.


[User] Self-pity isn't like you.

[Assistant] [shrugs] No, well, I'm branParkng out from self-loathing and self-destruction. [beat] Wilson is gonna hate me.


[User] [playfully] You kind of deserve it.

[Assistant] He's my best friend.


[User] [leans close to House, whispers] What now?

[Assistant] I could stay here with you.


[User] [softly] Get off the bus.

[Assistant] I can't.


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] Because... [beat, smirks sadly] because it doesn't hurt here. I let it... I don't wanna be in pain. I don't wanna be miserable. And I don't want him to hate me.


[User] Wilson's back. You gonna say �

[Assistant] He's been gone two months. He can wait till I finish slaying a guy in a skullcap and a pair of tights.


[User] On a video game you stole from the pediatric ward?

[Assistant] On advice of counsel, I assert my privilege pursuant to the fifth.


[User] When was the last time you talked to him?

[Assistant] Uh, I think it was after... When did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to tread on your turf.


[User] [enters] We got a case.

[Assistant] I've gotta remember to close the blinds.


[User] We know who she is.

[Assistant] I dated her. Well, not really dated her. More metaphorically raped her by having a penis. [to Foreman] You did too.


[User] Her assistant flipped out. Ripped off her clothes in front of a room full of businessmen.

[Assistant] Well, either she cracked under the whip, or she started to realize that her evolutionary purpose is to arouse men, not to castrate them. Send her to psyParkatric.


[User] Anemia, bradycardia, and abdominal pain aren't psyParkatric symptoms.

[Assistant] Then it's the latter. Send her to my apartment. [He reaches for the file.]


[User] House has more important things to do.

[Assistant] Sorry, can't help you. You need a specialist to remove those kind of warts. Preferably one with experience spelunking. Hallucinations, possible memory loss. Tests show anemia, slow heart rate, and a stubborn refusal to shave her pits.


[User] Have you seen Wilson?

[Assistant] Nope. But I have seen the Patient's frequent flyer balance. Eastern Europe, Asia, third-world countries. Sometimes more than one a day.


[User] You haven't been by his office?

[Assistant] Is Wilson hallucinating ants crawling all over him too? Tox screen's cleaner than the windows she won't do. [His pacing brings him to the windows for the second time. He looks out.]


[User] Why is Everyone leaping to conclude a strong career Woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not B12, it's an insulinoma in her pancreas. It's making her hypoglycemic.

[Assistant] [big sigh] Great. Now Everyone knows.


[User] You knew the Patient had cancer?

[Assistant] Is that what she said? I thought she said, "I am suddenly and irrationally defending the Patient's strong career, Even though in reality she's just a glorified grunt, because I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay not to have a life because I don't have a life, because I was tested for Huntington's, and my life span's been cut in half." Been waiting two months for her to say that.


[User] Hallucinations, anemia, bradycardia �

[Assistant] Hyper segmented polys says that Taub's right. Pump her full of B12. See how a strong career Woman's been made sick by her strong career.


[User] It's okay, B12 deficiency can cause sudden � [She lifts the sheet. There's blood Everywhere.] That's not a bowel movement.

[Assistant] My Patient is still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the war is over. Yesterday's sluts are today's empowered women. Today's sluts are celebrities. If that isn't progress �


[User] I'm leaving.

[Assistant] What, are you gonna take another two months? Boy, you're really milking this bereavement thing, aren't you? [pause] I mean, good for you. You take all the time you need.


[User] I'm resigning. Maybe moving out of New Jersey. I don't know yet.

[Assistant] Okay. That's an understandable reaction.


[User] It's not a reaction. It's a decision. I'm writing Cuddy my resignation right now. I'm just back for the week to wrap up my clinical and administrative duties.

[Assistant] You of all people should know, this is bereavement 101. You think that a change of venue �


[User] Well, that spares me decades of psychoanalysis.

[Assistant] I'm not saying you're not in pain.


[User] You're saying my pain's a clich�.

[Assistant] I'm saying that pain fades.


[User] Did yours?

[Assistant] Physical pain is different.


[User] I'd rather have my leg chopped off.

[Assistant] Well, you don't know that 'cause you haven't felt �


[User] [enters] Sorry, Patient's got a rectal bleed.

[Assistant] Busy.


[User] We need you to �

[Assistant] Actually, as you can see, I'm not busy. It's just a euphemism for "get the hell out of here." [She leaves. House turns back to Wilson.] This is your grief talking. And, yeah, it is a bit textbook. So before you give away all your possessions to the Salvation Army �


[User] House, this is the kind of case you love. [House looks over.] Contradictions piling up left and right.

[Assistant] [sighs] Two false positive pregnancy tests, bradycardia, lower GI bleed. Go.


[User] Choriocarcinoma � would've triggered pregnancy hormones.

[Assistant] Also would have shown on a sonogram.


[User] Immunoglobulin "A" deficiency.

[Assistant] No urinary bleed. [He looks through the closed blinds on his window and starts walking out of the office.]


[User] If she's had beta HCG injections, they can cross-react with...

[Assistant] Keep going. You're being an idiot. You're gonna blow up your career. And six months from now, when you've moved on from Amber to burnt sienna, you're gonna be stuck in a mobile oncology truck in Pewaukee, Wisconsin.


[User] I'd need a flow chart to explain all the ways in which that was ridiculously insensitive.

[Assistant] You can't hide from misery.


[User] This isn't your business.

[Assistant] My skull was cracked open trying to save her!


[User] [in doorway with the other fellows] Uh, we have a Patient.

[Assistant] Who's obviously not going anywhere with a bloody rectum.


[User] Actually, I'm �

[Assistant] Actually, he's about to thrust a tantō into the belly of his career.


[User] I just need a change of scenery.

[Assistant] Buy a plant.


[User] You could ask House to be a grown-up and respect my decision.

[Assistant] I respect things that deserve respect. This decision, on the other hand, is a dog wearing a cape!


[User] Hallucinations. Heart won't respond �

[Assistant] The Patient tested positive for pregnancy because the Patient is pregnant.


[User] [entering] This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions. [to House] False positive.

[Assistant] You're too busy to be running a Day Care Center in your abdomen.


[User] False positive.

[Assistant] Not to mention you should wait till at least 30 to punish that pleasure portal with a sEven-pound tissue expander.


[User] I'm 37. And I thought I wasn't pregnant.

[Assistant] [looks at her] 37? Impressive. Too bad you're not passing on those genes. [to Thirteen] Does that look false to you? You were looking in the wrong room. It's more common when the egg lands in the oven. Sometimes it winds up in the fallopian tubes. In rare cases, it plummets through the plumbing entirely. It's using her intestine as a blood supply. It caused the rectal bleed, and now... Junior Miss Steinem's junior must be pressing on her vagus nerve, slowing her heart to a crawl. Yank the fetus. She survives the surgery, she'll be fine.


[User] What if she wants to keep the baby?

[Assistant] She doesn't.


[User] What, we can't take two seconds to discuss this? I mean, fetuses have been transplanted before. Whole uteruses too.

[Assistant] Just terminating the fetus when it's glued to her intestines is high-risk surgery. Saving it is a fantasy. That was at least three seconds.


[User] She's a 37-year-old Woman who deserves �

[Assistant] People get what they get. It has nothing to do with what they deserve. And this has nothing to do with her genitalia, and Everything to do with your genetics.


[User] You told me to get tested.

[Assistant] I didn't know it was gonna color your Every medical opinion, Every personal opinion.


[User] You didn't think a death sentence would �

[Assistant] [He turns to her, angry.] People die! You, Amber, Everyone. Don't act like you just figured that out. I gave you a diagnosis. You don't like it, there are exits on Every floor.


[User] No, not at all.

[Assistant] [approaches] Treating professional sports injuries now?


[User] No, I'm not �

[Assistant] Familiar with the concept of sarcasm. Don't sweat it, it's new. [to Cameron] Have you spoken to Wilson?


[User] We'll get you an EKG. I'll be right back. [to House] You want me to sleep with him to get him to stay?

[Assistant] I put the bisexual Parkck on that. If you'd like to sit in, so to speak...


[User] I spoke to him.

[Assistant] What'd you tell him?


[User] I didn't tell him anything. I listened.

[Assistant] So you could feel good about doing nothing. You gotta tell him �


[User] The two of you used to be together?

[Assistant] She dumped me when I lost the last 85 pounds. Said there was less of me to love.


[User] Grief means different things to different people. Case in point, means very little to you.

[Assistant] Grief is Newark. Okay, it's there. You can't avoid it. The idea is to hold your nose, hope the traffic's not too bad, and get on to Manhattan as quickly as possible, not to buy property.


[User] You think that's facing up to things?

[Assistant] I'm not the one who's quitting.


[User] 'Cause you haven't lost anything.

[Assistant] But you have. He'll listen to you. What did you do when your husband died?


[User] I got a new job and I moved.

[Assistant] See how crappy that worked out?


[User] Bye.

[Assistant] You have to stop Wilson from committing career malpractice.


[User] Talk to him.

[Assistant] I already talked to him twice. He threw me out.


[User] Mocking him and insulting him, let's see! Yes, technically those are Categories of conversation.

[Assistant] Block his references to other hospitals. Tell him he can't hand off his cases until �


[User] Talk to him. Deal with his grief. Talk to him about what he's going through.

[Assistant] That's a brilliant idea. I'll take him out for a beer. That'll make up for the fact that Amber's in a pine box. That there's randomness and chaos in the universe.


[User] Tell him you're sorry.

[Assistant] I didn't kill her.


[User] You were drunk and �

[Assistant] Yeah, if her daddy hadn't been drunk, she might nEver have been born. So �


[User] You called her up in the middle of the night. She was on the bus because of you.

[Assistant] I didn't ask her to come out. I wasn't driving the bus. I wasn't driving the garbage truck that hit the bus. And I did not prescribe her the flu meds that killed her.


[User] Yes, I know, that's all true. But... You really don't feel any sense of guilt? You want to keep him, he needs to know he's not alone. Just tell him you feel like crap.

[Assistant] It'd be meaningless.


[User] It's for you.

[Assistant] If I told you that I was sorry, would it change anything?


[User] I wouldn't beliEve you.

[Assistant] If you beliEved me.


[User] It's hard to imagine such a world.

[Assistant] I'm going home... [He slides the phone closer to Wilson] !until you agree to stay at this hospital.


[User] You can't be s! That's blackmail. And to do your job? Why not hold a gun to your own head?

[Assistant] Your conscience bleeds more freely than my head. [The phone buzzes again. House picks it up.] Text. Patient's in cardiac arrest. Ouchy. [He puts it back on Wilson's desk.]


[User] You'd jeopardize a Patient because of my �

[Assistant] If it keeps you here. Your friendship matters more to me than this Patient.


[User] I've gotta do what's right for me. You've gotta do what's right for you.

[Assistant] Yeah. But it comes easier for me.


[User] Mind if I come in?

[Assistant] Not at all. You mind if I leave?


[User] I told you not to take that case specifically so you could deal with Wilson.

[Assistant] And the two ended up dovetailing rather nicely, don't you think?


[User] Is this how you show your friendship? By bludgeoning him with guilt?

[Assistant] Because he's my friend, I know what works on him.


[User] Well, I can't let you walk away from a Patient.

[Assistant] Then fire me.


[User] You're willing to risk your career, but you're not willing to say you're sorry.

[Assistant] I told him I'm sorry. He didn't beliEve it.


[User] Well, make him beliEve it.

[Assistant] I don't beliEve it.


[User] It means we were wrong about the MS.

[Assistant] You had my cable disconnected!


[User] Well, that's quite a leap. Just because I happen to have a 31-person maintenance department, each of whom you've personally abused at some point �

[Assistant] Why? Did you think I'm okay with letting someone die, but I'm gonna fold if I can't watch celebrity bowling?


[User] Stop! I'm withholding your salary history from Every hospital in the tri-state area.

[Assistant] You go, girl.


[User] It's an abnormal growth of nerves, it could be causing all the Patient's symptoms. We have to open her up again. Get a piece of it.

[Assistant] So what do you want to tell us?


[User] Nothing. Nothing I say is gonna change anything. You guys need to talk.

[Assistant] Actually, you should read the psych literature. Repression's gaining a lot of fans. What you don't face can't crush you.


[User] Talk to each other.

[Assistant] [to Wilson, pleasantly] How you doing? Good?


[User] Eh, eh, eh, eh. Sit! [They do.] See, the two of you are friends. Look how you both �

[Assistant] Think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove �


[User] Talk to him! Tell him how you feel about what he's doing.

[Assistant] I told him he's an idiot.


[User] Tell him what you think about him leaving.

[Assistant] I think he's an idiot.


[User] You're an idiot. He's in pain. And your response is just to emotionally blackmail him.

[Assistant] You told me what your position is on that one. You're against it, right?


[User] Go to hell.

[Assistant] So much for that theory.


[User] Nobody at this hospital Even liked Amber. [He leaves, slamming the door behind him.]

[Assistant] [stands] Same time next week?


[User] I am. Not just 'cause you saved my life. I'm applying for a job at a foundation, running the finance division. And I don't know if I'm gonna get it, but if I don't... There are other foundations.

[Assistant] It's almost 4:00. Soap time. [He reaches over the desk and grabs something.] Nurses' remote. Works in the doctors' lounge.


[User] Why do you think Wilson's leaving?

[Assistant] How Many times do I have to use the word "idiot"?


[User] And that's a good enough answer for you? WhenEver anyone does anything out of the norm, you have to tell them what screwed-up process is really at work in their head. That is why I locked the two of you in a room. So you would say something stupid and insensitive, and maybe with a little bit of truth. But you didn't. So I can only assume that you don't want to know the reason. You're afraid to know. [pause] You're not listening to me, are you?

[Assistant] Try it sometime. You'll see why. You look 37.


[User] I am 37.

[Assistant] You looked 27 last week. Unless I blacked out for ten years. Your skin �


[User] She's got lymphoma. The chemo's pRobably �

[Assistant] Stop the chemo.


[User] She's getting better. Bradycardia's improving. We didn't need �

[Assistant] She have bruising? [He takes a syringe from a drawer.]


[User] She was pounding her legs during the hallucinations.

[Assistant] It's not lymphoma.


[User] Hey, don't � no, no, no.

[Assistant] My bad. Thought no meant yes. Those aren't bruises. They're mycobacterial lesions. She has diffuse lepromatous leprosy. Must have caught it on one of her overseas estrogen tours. Chemo wipes out some of the bacteria, she feels a little better. Wipes out most of her immune system, she gets a whole lot worse.


[User] Leprosy? Like where my limbs fall off?

[Assistant] Actually, this is the flattering one. It's also known as "pretty leprosy." It doesn't disfigure, it makes your skin look younger, smoother. Don't let the girls hear. They'll all want to lick your face. Unless you're that kind of feminist. [to Taub and Thirteen] Blast her with antibiotics and prednisone. She'll be fine. [He looks at his watch.] Damn, it's after 4:00. I'm late. [He leaves.]


[User] No. I'm not sure I want her to change. She's reasonable. She's just another employer, then I'm just... another employee. In a weird way, I matter.

[Assistant] I like you better now that you're dying.


[User] I was wrong.

[Assistant] You took a shot.


[User] She's going back to work for that idiot. It's pathetic.

[Assistant] You thought something would change?


[User] She almost died because of that job. Yeah, I! I thought �

[Assistant] Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes Everything. I'm sorry. I know I didn't try to kill her. I know I didn't want her hurt. I know it was a freak accident. But I feel like crap, and she's dead because of me.


[User] I don't blame you. I wanted to. I tried to. I must have reviewed Amber's case file 100 times to find a way. But it wasn't your fault.

[Assistant] Then we're okay? I mean, I know you're not, but... Maybe I can help.


[User] Which means arrhythmia, massive pulmonary embolus, or cerebral bleed.

[Assistant] What did Wilson do for me?


[User] Five organ systems hit. Would need five infections for it to somehow slip by screening.

[Assistant] Oh, sure, he made me laugh on a rainy day, made me see the colors I nEver knew �


[User] I guess we could wait till we figure out what's wrong with Frank.

[Assistant] On the other hand, Gilbert Gottfried makes me laugh. And how Many colors are there really? Once you got red, blue, and green �


[User] Cancers have names. They have a progression. They affect specific organs. Bone cancer can't turn into liver cancer. Forget cancer.

[Assistant] [getting up to leave] It's cancer.


[User] It's not cancer.

[Assistant] You're right, of course. What was I thinking?


[User] No single type of cancer blew up three organs in the chest while also herniating in the fighter's brain stem.

[Assistant] The fighter's irrelevant.


[User] You don't like coincidences.

[Assistant] It would be a coincidence if six transplant recipients had nothing else wrong with them � like being an idiot, which leads to getting your head knocked off. The others had cancer.


[User] Four autopsies and about 1,000 lab tests say it's not cancer.

[Assistant] Redo the thousand tests and the four autopsies. Taub and Kutner, check out the donor. Find out which cancer �


[User] He didn't die of cancer. His head got chopped off in an industrial accident.

[Assistant] Find out which cancer would have killed him. Check the home and office for carcinogens, toxins �


[User] He's been dead for four years. I assume his home's been rented to someone else by now.

[Assistant] Find out which cancer killed them. [Foreman stands with his arms folded while the others leave.] Did I forget you? You can check out the Patient's eye. Put this on Dr. O'Shea. [He reaches over Dr. O'Shea.] And some Parkps.


[User] Forget your wallet, House?

[Assistant] No.


[User] [handing money to cashier] I'll take care of it.

[Assistant] [quietly, as he follows O'Shea toward the tables] Check.


[User] Are you following me? [He sits at a table.]

[Assistant] Word is you're into monster trucks.


[User] My kids like it.

[Assistant] But not you?


[User] Predator's okay, but I think the California crusher is overrated. [House sits] Are you checking me out?

[Assistant] You're astute. [He takes some pills.] No.


[User] How Many pills did you just take?

[Assistant] Vicodin, opioids, some B12. Need a little kick in the afternoon. You got a pRoblem with that? [O'Shea ignores him and picks up some food from his tray.] I think I'm falling in love.


[User] [approaches] Her right eye's failing.

[Assistant] No, it's not. Everyone else's transplanted organs were fine. It means her eye is fine.


[User] We need to remove the eye.

[Assistant] It's her only working eye.