[User] He's seeing blue [House still in elevator pops a pill] where'd you get the script from?

[Assistant] Cuddy. Wanna know what I gave her?


[User] If it was thallium he'd be losing his hair.

[Assistant] [walking into his office] So maybe it's menopause.


[User] Yes, his age is the reason it's weird that a Man has menopause.

[Assistant] Male menopause, high oestrogen, low testosterone, explains temperature swings, disorientation, endocrinologically similar to female menopause but without the vaginas and mah-jong tiles. [Walking out of his office again after grabbing his coat]


[User] [Following House, cue another walk and talk] Male menopause doesn't explain the vision.

[Assistant] Blue vision isn't a symptom, it's a side effect of Viagra, it's right there on the label, which I have no reason to have read except that I'm a doctor, but then...


[User] [Interrupts House] He's not taking Viagra.

[Assistant] You mean he didn't tell YOU he was taking Viagra, and I don't care how sick he is, trust me, he still thinks he's got a shot. Menopause causes temperature swings, limpness, limpness causes pills, pills cause the blueness.


[User] He's presenting no other signs of premature aging.

[Assistant] Aging's not the only cause, you said he's got burns to 54% of his body, sure it's not 55%?


[User] Burns to his genitals could cause testicular trauma.

[Assistant] Which could in turn cause... [Going into the elevator] Run a hormone panel, comes back positive pump him full of testosterone and send him home. And stop following me. [elevator closes]


[User] Complaint department's across the hall [House walks over to him] I'm busy, can I just assume that you told me how unfair I'm being and...

[Assistant] [cuts him off] I'm sorry... You could throw a dart at all the adjectives between arrogant and unhinged and I'm sure you'd hit one that describes me. There's a reason I operate that way... I live in pain. Pain that on good days is merely intolerable and on bad ones will suck the life-force right out of you. Doesn't mean that I've handled this right, actually, means I was wrong.


[User] Thank you. I know that couldn't have been easy for you to say. Even if you don't mean a word of it. [Tritter starts to walk away but House follows him]

[Assistant] I'm sorry! You can hook me up to a damn polygraph.


[User] Aggression comes on that fast, it's gotta have a neurologic basis. We should do a CT for frontal lobe tumour and an LP for meningitis.

[Assistant] Great, have at it. [Walks out]


[User] [Follows] That's it, no challenging our theory, no tearing us down.

[Assistant] No need, you got it under control.


[User] Where you going?

[Assistant] Upstairs this time.


[User] To do what?

[Assistant] Check myself into rehab. [Elevator closes]


[User] Did Tritter offer you another deal?

[Assistant] Nope, this is all me. So no slaps on the back? Encouraging words...


[User] We are just trying to understand what this is.

[Assistant] I hope this is me detoxing, otherwise I soiled a perfectly good pair of underwear last night for nothing.


[User] So this is for real, this is not just a show for Tritter?

[Assistant] Absolutely it's a show for Tritter, and the Judge, unfortunately unless it's real, there is no show. Hey if it doesn't help my case at least I'll go to prison with heightened senses, all the better to enjoy my strolls around the yard.


[User] Going to need to check that stuff.

[Assistant] When I lead the big Patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go.


[User] He may nEver be ready, you're doing the only thing you can do, keep trying. How about you Greg? You thought about how to fix things with people in your life?

[Assistant] No need, people in my life have no expectations of me, makes all our lives easier.


[User] Apparently not. The first step in recovery...

[Assistant] [cuts him off] Is admitting I have a pRoblem, I've obviously already done that or I wouldn't be here. I've Even embraced step 2, I've admitted there's a higher power, may not be a god per se...[Therapist nods in acceptance] but that Andre the giant guy was powerful. Where I start to butt up against it is step 3, surrendering my will to this higher power. I'm sure Andre's ghost has my back and all but my free will, I nEver leave home without it.


[User] Kinda like your pills. If you could do this on your own I assume you wouldn't be here.

[Assistant] [thinks about it] True.


[User] [looking at the monitor] It's not his lungs! He's got marked ST elevation he's having a heart attack [Chase injects him with a syringe]

[Assistant] Pick a colour.


[User] [ignores him and hands him the meds] Medication time.

[Assistant] [Sarcastically] You are a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.


[User] We don't have an answer yet.

[Assistant] I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking! WhoEver came up with buprenorphine to wean off Vicodin should be shot. And then stabbed in the eye [Yelling to Voldemort who is standing just outside the room] I think someone needs to adjust my meds!


[User] The heart shows no sign of inflammation or...

[Assistant] The cause of the heart attacks isn't internal it must be external, something environmental.


[User] None of the attacks happened in the same place.

[Assistant] Still must be something in common.


[User] His clothes were all different he'd been cleaned.

[Assistant] That's the what's, how bout the who's?


[User] His partner Amy was at all three attacks but...

[Assistant] Anyone else?


[User] People don't cause heart attacks.

[Assistant] Well then you should be worried about proving me wrong.


[User] We were clearing rooms in an office building fire, the ceiling collapsed and it cut me off from the rest of the group. I kept yelling that I was fine but Derek refused to wait for the team to clear the Debris so he took off looking for another access point. He got caught in a back draft. He almost died because of me once. And now it's happening again.

[Assistant] You're not my mom, you don't have to keep checking up on me.


[User] How you doing?

[Assistant] Not bad, considering I just learned that I'm completely powerless.


[User] See this big fancy wing? It was built because this program works

[Assistant] Faulty logic. This big fancy wing exists because some people with money think that it works. They wanna beliEve that they can buy a better world. This is nothing short of idealised despair, let people wallow in it.


[User] I don't Even know what that means.

[Assistant] None of this means anything. It's just nonsensical slogans and platitudes.


[User] [Getting annoyed] Meaning takes time. It takes work.

[Assistant] What do you think I've been doing?


[User] You've been here for two days! Talk about wallowing in it. We all get it, we know how much pain you have. You're here to deal with that and get on with your life.

[Assistant] Right! I should have an affair with a dying Patient and move into a hotel.


[User] You're a coward House. You find fault in Everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself.

[Assistant] Thanks, I was running short on platitudes, you can leave now. [Takes a drag of his cigarette and blows it in Wilson's face. Wilson walks out shaking his head]


[User] But if you're too worried about losing your job to get it treated they can dEvelop into full on heart attacks, you think it's a coincidence this started when Amy got engaged?

[Assistant] No I don't, but now that you know the why what are you going to do to stop the how?


[User] We need to put him on antidepressants.

[Assistant] Not if you're right. Antidepressants would inhibit his autonomic nervous system, which would only speed up the heart attacks.


[User] We could try propylthiouracil, slow down his metabolic rate.

[Assistant] Thyroid effect would only weaken the heart.


[User] Only other option is blood thinners.

[Assistant] This is not a fat guy with plaque-filled arteries and a swollen heart, he's a guy who's brain is trying to kill his heart.


[User] Chase's idea is as good as any, I mean short of frying his brain and wiping Amy out, we're screwed.

[Assistant] [Epiphany] We need Cuddy.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] So you can tell her why you need to fry a guy's brain.


[User] The guy's heart isn't working and you want to shock his brain?

[Assistant] Electroshock therapy is the only way to erase his memories of Amy and stop the brain's chemical attack on the heart.


[User] This isn't 1940, the pRoblem can be controlled with antidepressants.

[Assistant] Cameron. [House goes to the fridge]


[User] Antidepressants would inhibit his autonomic nervous system, speed up the attacks.

[Assistant] [Starts pouring himself a glass of milk] LMNO, PTU, blood thinners, none of them would solve this pRoblem. He's got a real-life harlequin roMance in his head, were going to pull out the 1940s playbook. Bilateral electrodes, high stimulus sine wave intensity, turning that dial all the way to 11. It's basic brain chemistry, we interrupt protein synthesis altering the neurotransmitter system, the result, no memories, no Amy, no pRoblem. [Takes a drink]


[User] [Thinks about it] Go ahead.

[Assistant] [To the ducklings] You heard the lady, go plug him in [They leave, Cuddy goes to leave as well] Am I really that pathetic? [Cuddy stops and looks at him]


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] If I'd pitched electroshock therapy as a cure for broken heart syndrome any other time, you'd have dug in and maybe tried another 100 useless things first. So either you're actually beginning to trust me or... you just feel sorry for me.


[User] [Looking at what House has made] Caterpillar?

[Assistant] Lower intestine with ulcerative colitis. [Tritter smiles] You crash art therapy classes just for the adrenalin rush?


[User] Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I promised I'd come see for myself. I gotta admit, this move I did not expect.

[Assistant] Well don't tell anyone but the photos of smiling people in the brochures, it's just marketing.


[User] Well you're obviously making an effort. So I suppose the next step is for me to talk to the DA.

[Assistant] Which you have no intention of doing.


[User] [Shakes head] No.

[Assistant] So words mean nothing, actions mean nothing, what the hell is left? [Yelling from across the room] You son of a bitch! [Tritter stops and turns around] What about your words, your actions. [House gets up and starts walking over to Tritter] Gotta get House cleaned up, get him to show some humility, when it comes to actually doing something you prove that all you care about is bitch slapping a guy who refused to kiss your ass.


[User] You Ever trust an addict? You Ever give one the benefit of the doubt? How Many times did it work out for you?

[Assistant] Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, so you were screwed over by your mother, your wife, your partner, but you keep sending them Christmas cards while you take it out on Everyone else.


[User] We've given him four rounds of electroshock, the charge made his voice a little higher but the EKG and BP are good.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] Going to give him his last round in the morning, then be at court for your hearing.

[Assistant] Thanks.


[User] I'm going to stay here, monitor Derek.

[Assistant] Thanks for the update. [House sees Wilson walking in] My next condolence call is arriving, I'll see you guys tomorrow


[User] I got you something.

[Assistant] [Reaches into the bag and pulls out a red tie] Nice.


[User] I figured it might help make a good impression on the Judge.

[Assistant] It's not that nice... I had no business blaming you for any of this. I know you were just trying to help me, protect me, that's what friends do.


[User] [Surprised] Is this.... an apology?

[Assistant] Part of the program, if you don't like it I can stop.


[User] [To House] Turn it off.

[Assistant] [Answering his phone] I told you nEver to call me when I'm on trial.


[User] Hold on Mr Vickers.

[Assistant] Thanks Your Honour [points to the phone] hard to hear. [Talking to the phone] You test for clotting time and LB function?


[User] His blood's normal and his heart's pumping it up to the brain

[Assistant] But it's not all getting there, something's obstructing the blood flow.


[User] There's no hyper-intensity to suggest a foreign body near the region, and no signs of infection or vascular malformation.

[Assistant] It's lower down.


[User] Dr House! Now!

[Assistant] [To the phone] Hang on a second. [To the Judge] Does your voice always get that high and annoying when you're angry?


[User] Do you want to go to jail?

[Assistant] No thank you. [To the phone] Set him up for a selective vertebral angiography, I'm on my way. [hangs up the phone, gets up and starts to leave]


[User] House, sit down.

[Assistant] [Still walking out] Why? I'm bored, there's nothing I can say or do that's going to make a difference here.


[User] Are you out of your mind?

[Assistant] They said they wanted me there, but I don't think they liked me. His voice isn't high because of the electrical charges; it's another symptom of menopause. [they walk into the OR] His system keeps getting hit by women's issues, so let's follow the pattern. What might obstruct the blood flow that's more common in women than men? [To Chase] Is the catheter in?


[User] Go back to court, we will let you know the results.

[Assistant] Shut up and wire him. [To Cameron] Centre the image in the interpeduncular cistern, keep it moving at 30 frames per second.


[User] You think the arteries are narrowing; you're going to need still shots which WE can do without you.

[Assistant] The pRoblem is not how wide the road is, it's a guy with a squeegee on the sidewalk, flagging cars. That's what's causing the slowdown, we find him we find the pRoblem.


[User] He's wired.

[Assistant] Go!


[User] Injecting the dye. Blood's in the capillaries.

[Assistant] [points to screen] There! Mr Squeegee, spinal meningioma, pushing on the nerves to the vocal chords. Creates the voice change and that nerve just happens to live right near the meningeal branch of the vertebral artery, obstructs the blood flow to the brain, brain malfunctions creating false memories, memories cause love, love kills. And we didn't completely screw up; cleaning the slate bought us time to find the real pRoblem. On the other hand, if we'd been better we wouldn't have needed the time. Schedule him for surgery, dig that thing out and he can start enjoying real misery instead of the fake stuff. [Starts walking away]


[User] House [he stops and turns] I just heard that you apologised to Wilson.

[Assistant] Detoxing, I didn't know what I was saying. Excuse me [Cameron lets him go] I have to go to jail. [Leaves]


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.


[User] I hope you don't mind that we continued on without you?

[Assistant] I said I was sorry there's no need to be sarcastic. [He sits down, Velez, shows Cuddy a book]


[User] Dr House. [House stops and goes over to Tritter accompanied by the bailiff]

[Assistant] So should I be looking for you in the shadows? Flinch Every time a car backfires?


[User] Surprised to see you're not spooning your way through the walls.

[Assistant] So what do you say? How about a conjugal visit to celebrate?


[User] [Pulls an envelope out of he pocket, House gets up to the bars] Your buprenorphine. [House takes envelope and starts to open it]

[Assistant] You get these from the pharmacy or from Voldemort?


[User] [Shocked] That's Vicodin, he's been slipping you Vicodin?

[Assistant] No... He'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that.


[User] The whole time?

[Assistant] [Sighs] My higher power said it was ok.


[User] Nothing's changed?

[Assistant] Nothing's changed.


[User] The apology, you didn't need to do that to make this work.

[Assistant] [smirks] BeliEve what you want.


[User] [smiling] Goodnight House, I'll see ya tomorrow. [Walks away]

[Assistant] Goodnight Wilson. [cheerfully] How can I help you this beautiful morning?


[User] You got any cases?

[Assistant] [pretending to think] Three. Got a teenage African-American lung transplant... [starts to count with his fingers]


[User] [cutting him off] Next few days, you'll be doing nothing but clinic work.

[Assistant] I just said...


[User] You were lying.

[Assistant] Then why'd you ask?


[User] Because if you told the truth, I was gonna give you only one day of clinic duty.

[Assistant] That's dishonest. In refuse to participate in this...


[User] [firm] You'll do it. You owe me. [smugly] I kept you out of jail, I can put you back.

[Assistant] [over his shoulder] Perjurer.


[User] [right back at ya] Felon.

[Assistant] How can I help you this beautiful morning?


[User] I think I have a... [points downwards]

[Assistant] Who is here for a runny nose? It's a cold! It'll get better. Go home! Those of you who have stayed obviously do not have colds. You'll be assigned a doctor, who is not me, 'cause I'm tired of wiping crotches.


[User] [to nurse] Call security.

[Assistant] No, I'm good, thanks.


[User] [high-pitched] Head on fire!!

[Assistant] [calling] Need a team here!


[User] Little late.

[Assistant] [taking the sedative] Just in time.


[User] What did you give him?

[Assistant] Paralytic.


[User] Why would you do that?!

[Assistant] Somebody had to stop the screaming.


[User] Then he's still in pain.

[Assistant] Yeah! But quietly. [to them] Paralytic stopped him breathing. He goes hypoxic, he's gonna be quiet forEver. So, either I can continue to swab people's privates, or I can figure out if this guy's delirium, pain and insanely high heart-rate are life-threatening or just a personality quirk. I think the latter choice is better for all three of us.


[User] [vo] He's sedated. It took five cc's of haliperidol to get him down after the paralytic wore off.

[Assistant] So, pain in his right ear, psychotic behaviour and dizziness. Go!


[User] Nurses said he was holding his head. How d'you know it was specifically his ear?

[Assistant] Because he was dizzy. Means the pRoblem was affecting his inner ear.


[User] Nurses said he was running in circles. Doesn't mean he was dizzy.

[Assistant] He wasn't running in circles. He was running in oblongs. Looked like a three-year-old kid drew them.


[User] Acoustic Neuroma that started a haemorrhage.

[Assistant] 'Splains the pain, vertigo, Everything. Get an MRI. What else?


[User] If it explains Everything, what...?

[Assistant] It might not explain Everything.


[User] What if he was psychotic first? Then self-mutilated, damaged the ear.

[Assistant] Excellent. Need a complete psyParkatric work-up. [to Cameron] Your turn.


[User] Uhh, I was... gonna say what Foreman...

[Assistant] Well, say something else.


[User] [opening the file] He... came to the clinic.

[Assistant] [patronizing] Goood...


[User] [bit more confident] Decent chance he had a chronic illness first, 'specially given the rapid heart rate.

[Assistant] [seems impressed] Hmm.


[User] [Even more confident] Lingering ear infection. Pressure builds up in his inner ear, bursts through the

[Assistant] [almost imitating an orgasm] Ohhh, yes! Get a head CT, draw a blood culture, run a chem panel and get a complete blood count. Oh, while you're at it, pour some alcohol into his ear and take out the cockroach.


[User] He has a cockroach in his ear?

[Assistant] [collecting his coat from his office] He was scratParkng that ear right before the Event, so I took a peek. My guess is, it started biting.


[User] [wearily] Nothing else wrong with him?

[Assistant] Wasn't that enough? Pretty gross.


[User] So, why are we doing the tests?

[Assistant] Well, it's either that or I have to keep doing clinic duty. Do the tests or just stay out of Cuddy's sight, I don't really care which.


[User] Why are you here?

[Assistant] [shooing away the bug] Because it's not a hospital.


[User] It's a jogging Park. You're not jogging. You can't jog.

[Assistant] WatParkng jogging. I sit, I watch, I imagine.


[User] So... what do you watch for?

[Assistant] [motioning] That guy's running in shorts.


[User] He's not jogging, he's trolling.

[Assistant] [smiles in approval] You're good at this.


[User] How long are you goin' to stay here?

[Assistant] Beauty of this place is that it's the last place Cuddy will look.


[User] You ordered a CT on a Patient with a bug in his ear?

[Assistant] How'd you know I was here?


[User] Ran into Cameron in the clinic.

[Assistant] [getting up] "Ran into"?


[User] You ordered pointless tests just to...

[Assistant] Wouldn't've been pointless if you didn't "run into" Cameron.


[User] [what the...!] Is that Vicodin?

[Assistant] Breath mint. Thought you were gonna kiss me.


[User] What happened to rehab?

[Assistant] I got out.


[User] [understanding, sighing in exasperation] It was a scam?

[Assistant] Enough foreplay. You gonna kiss me or not?


[User] You are going back to the clinic. Or jail.

[Assistant] [amused] You perjured yourself to keep me out of jail. How're you...?


[User] I only did that because I thought you were getting clean.

[Assistant] So it's do clinic duty or go to jail.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Then it'll be finish your paperwork or go to jail. Help with fundraising or go to jail. Do your job or go to jail. I think I'd rather go to jail.


[User] Patient's (AKA "Sherlock Nose") nostril. House looks through an otoscope at the screen.]

[Assistant] Bea-utiful.


[User] Thank you. It's dry.

[Assistant] Who cares. It's beautiful. If my lawn was half as well maintained as that, pigeons wouldn't have the nerve to poop on it.


[User] Good grooming is important.

[Assistant] Is that a shot?


[User] I extrapolated you were a person for whom detail is not a major concern. I was worried you might apply the same standard in your work.

[Assistant] [interrupting] You use toe-nail clippers up there?


[User] They're longer, so they allow me to better reach the upper hairs.

[Assistant] I am wearing a rumpled shirt, and I forgot to brush my hair this week. You've got athlete's foot in your nose. [coolly] I'm ready to be Judged. Okay! Fifty dollars...! ...to any Patient who's willing to leave here right now.


[User] House! You can't...

[Assistant] My money.


[User] I don't care. People do not...

[Assistant] [handing over $50 to the dad] They leave, fifty bucks. They're not all that sick. [looks at the people]


[User] And desperate. Which was why this place is here.

[Assistant] If they're that poor, then they'd rather have fifty bucks.


[User] [hoarsely] Can I have the money?

[Assistant] Look. It's monogrammed. He doesn't need money. Ergo, he's not sick.


[User] And the blood?

[Assistant] [shrugging it off] Could be anybody's. Monogram's definitely his.


[User] [smiling (for the sake of appearances)] We need to talk.

[Assistant] [melodramatically] Doesn't matter what you say, do or threaten. I will find a way out.


[User] How can we make this more interesting for you?

[Assistant] How can we make the sky green? How can we make the tall short? You cannot make the uninteresting interesting.


[User] You pay me ten dollars for Every one you have to touch.

[Assistant] You're making this into a game for me. From which I can only conclude this isn't a game for you.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Why? Think if I deal with enough people, I'll find some huManity?


[User] Wha' ah ha' todo 'is mahsulf? (Why do I have to do this myself?)

[Assistant] I got a bum leg. Say "Aah".


[User] Feels rough.

[Assistant] Yes! It's a rash. Can't get any more than "rough".


[User] [exasperated to have to do it herself] Well, [mutters] it's just rough. Can't you feel it?

[Assistant] Well, I could. But then, what satisfaction would you get?


[User] Got it.

[Assistant] [checking his watch] Start counting. [two seconds later] How Many?


[User] T-twenty six.

[Assistant] Okay. Either you suck at math, or you're gonna die in two seconds. [waits a couple of seconds mock-expectantly] You suck at math. Diagnosis! [slaps the file down, picks up another] Prescription! [to Cuddy] You owe me thirty. I owe you ten.


[User] [holding up a file] Test results are back for your STD Patients. I'm not paying you for them. You already touched them.

[Assistant] How old are you?


[User] Thirty.

[Assistant] And you've nEver seen an after-school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?


[User] [rattled] Oh God, I h... I have an STD.

[Assistant] No. But you will. Every Patient who comes in here for an STD test has one thing in common. They had SWS. "Sex While Stupid". [fatigued] How old are you?


[User] [looking down] Sixty.

[Assistant] [looks up in disbelief] You're lying. That's not the point. You've nEver seen Dawson's Creek?


[User] Just so y'all know, Eve is upset throughout the episode. So I'm not going to write "Eve: [upset] yada yada" Every time she speaks.]

[Assistant] And you've nEver seen an after-school special? How do you get to your age and not know about condoms?


[User] I have an STD?

[Assistant] Yeah! You're actually the first one today. Lucky day. Not for you, but gotta feel good for Everyone else. It's ChlAmydia. As bad news goes, 's about the best. Oh, settle down. It's treatable. It's actually curable. [no idea what to do] All you have to do is take these pills...


[User] DON'T TOUCH ME!!

[Assistant] [quietly] Oh God. [seriously] I need someone to cover a Patient.


[User] House, you're committed to...

[Assistant] She was raped. [beat] Think I'm the right doctor for her?


[User] [resolute] If Dr. House is too busy, I could wait.

[Assistant] Why do you want me?


[User] I don't know.

[Assistant] [shrugging] I don't wanna treat you.


[User] You're just saying that so I'll see the psyParkatrist.

[Assistant] True. 'Cept for the word "just". I'm saying, I don't wanna treat you so you'll see the psyParkatrist and because I don't wanna treat you.


[User] Why don't you wanna treat me anymore?

[Assistant] I nEver wanted to treat you. Fact that you were raped [beat, sighs] holds no interest for me. It's nothing personal. There's nothing to treat. You're physically healthy.


[User] [persistent] But I want you to be my doctor.

[Assistant] [turns] Why?


[User] [shakes her head] I don't know.

[Assistant] You gotta have a reason. Everything has a reason.


[User] I trust you.

[Assistant] Ah, see, that's a bad reason. 'Cause I'll lie to you. I'll tell you anything just to get you out of here.


[User] I don't care. I wanna talk to you.

[Assistant] [lowers his head, moves towards her] Look, you were raped. All control was taken away from you. You're trying to find that control again. You want me because I don't want you.


[User] [pissed] I'm raping you?

[Assistant] In a very non-invasive, more annoying than trauma...


[User] [yelling] Get the hell out of here!

[Assistant] I'll send in Dr. Stone.


[User] [appealing] Please, stop the treatment.

[Assistant] It'll go away on it's own.


[User] It's not can... [hic]

[Assistant] No, it'll go away.


[User] [hoarse] It's been all day. There must be some treatment you...

[Assistant] Nope! It'll go away.


[User] [hic]

[Assistant] Or... it won't go away. [starts to leave]


[User] I read about it.

[Assistant] You don't have the hiccups, do you?


[User] [opens his mouth a bit and simulates a hiccup sheepishly]

[Assistant] [to the nurse] Make a note. Drug-seeking behaviour.


[User] Morphine?

[Assistant] No! Anal-digital stimulation. How long has Stone been in with her?


[User] Are you concerned?

[Assistant] You know how Many people get raped Everyday?


[User] So it's common, therefore boring.

[Assistant] We were to care for Every person suffering on the planet, life would shut down.


[User] How 'bout just the ones we meet?

[Assistant] They deserve our sympathy more than the other people?


[User] So your solution is not to give a damn about any of them? How do you do that? How do you take that theory

[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Whoa! Hey! [to the doctor] I paid these people fifty bucks to leave here an hour ago.


[User] Yeah, we came back.

[Assistant] Then you owe fifty.


[User] The kid needs surgery.

[Assistant] [skeptically] And he could walk way back then. [to the son] Stand up, kid.


[User] He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.

[Assistant] How old are you?


[User] Eight.

[Assistant] And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge? Darwin says let him die. It's already below the stomach. It should pass on its own.


[User] [scared] Whoa, whoa, whoa! You gonna cut him open? Right here?

[Assistant] It's well into the intestines. He's fine. [takes the scalpel and stands] I want my fifty back.


[User] I need a crash cart! Stat!

[Assistant] What happened?


[User] Breastplate sounds shallow.

[Assistant] [to Dr. Stone] What did you say to her?


[User] Heartbeat's irregular!

[Assistant] What did she say to you?


[User] Nothing. I gave her a couple sedatives, turned around, she grabbed the whole bottle.

[Assistant] You must have said something.


[User] I said plenty, she said nothing. I was with her for over an hour. She didn't say one word.

[Assistant] You gonna do that again? You're gonna be okay... physically.


[User] You're here.

[Assistant] Under orders.


[User] Why would you tell me that?

[Assistant] 'Cause I don't like hypocrisy.


[User] But you don't have a pRoblem with cruelty?

[Assistant] Which brings us back to, why do you want me?


[User] I don't know.

[Assistant] Tried to kill yourself 'cause you couldn't talk to me. Must have a reason.


[User] [quietly] Why's there always have to be a reason? Can't we just talk?

[Assistant] [getting annoyed] There's a phone. Talk to a friend. Family-member. Call the police. [sighs in defeat] You wanna talk about what happened to you?


[User] No.

[Assistant] [sitting on a stool] Talk about your STD meds?


[User] No.

[Assistant] You don't really seem to wanna talk.


[User] No, I do.

[Assistant] 'Bout what?


[User] I don't know. Anything.

[Assistant] The weather? You were raped and you want to talk about the weather?


[User] [nods] Yeah.

[Assistant] [getting up in exasperation] I'm not gonna talk to you about the weather. [to Cameron] You'll help her!


[User] God knows why.

[Assistant] She doesn't know what she wants.


[User] She knows she wants you. You're the first person she spoke to about this.

[Assistant] Fact that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, should be trumped by the fact that I'm useless at this.


[User] She wants to talk about the weather, talk about the weather. She wants normalcy. She wants to feel like the world didn't end.

[Assistant] Right. I'll tell her that Everything went on without her. Babies were born, people got married. Thousands of people will remember the day she got raped as the happiest day of their lives.


[User] [getting mad] Maybe you're right! Except there's no way she can pretend this didn't happen, so she has no choice but to process it.

[Assistant] You gotta tell me what happened.


[User] You don't really wanna hear.

[Assistant] [undoing her binds] Sure I do.


[User] You're lying.

[Assistant] Doesn't have to destroy your life.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] Doesn't mean anything about you. Wasn't your fault.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] You did nothing wrong. Some jerk hurt you, that's all.


[User] [sitting up] I know.

[Assistant] You're worried that you can nEver trust men again.


[User] [shaking her head] No.

[Assistant] Statistically, there was always a chance this could happen. The fact that it did happen doesn't change anything. World doesn't suck anymore today than it did yesterday.


[User] I know all that.

[Assistant] [no idea what to say] Then what do you want me to tell you?


[User] Nothing. I just want to talk.

[Assistant] About nothing. We talk about nothing, nothing will change.


[User] It might.

[Assistant] How?


[User] Time. Time changes Everything.

[Assistant] [trying to shrug it off] It's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things,... leaves things exactly as they were.


[User] Because I need you to remember me. I need somebody to remember me.

[Assistant] Where'd you go to college?


[User] Northwestern. You?

[Assistant] Hopkins. What was your major?


[User] Comparative religion.

[Assistant] [has had it] Why do you trust me?


[User] I don't know. Can't we just talk...?

[Assistant] [loudly] That's not rational!


[User] Nothing's rational.

[Assistant] Everything is rational!


[User] I was raped. Explain how that makes sense to you.

[Assistant] [beat] We are selfish, base animals, crawling across the earth. But 'cause we got brains, if we try real hard, we can occasionally aspire to something that is less than pure evil.


[User] [sighs] Has anything terrible Ever happened to you?

[Assistant] [looks at her] What do you want me to say?


[User] She's waiting for your answer?

[Assistant] She's asleep. I sedated her.


[User] [beat] Why do you care what you say?

[Assistant] [frustrated] Because I don't know how to answer these questions.


[User] It's a simple question. Has your life sucked? Tell her the truth. Tell her you were shot. Tell her...

[Assistant] She doesn't wanna hear the truth. She's looking for something. Looking to extrapolate something...


[User] She's looking to connect with you, and that's what's scaring the hell out of you. Tell her the truth.

[Assistant] There is no truth.


[User] [thinks] Are we role-playing? Am I you? I don't wanna be you.

[Assistant] She's not asking for test results. She's not asking what two plus two equals. She's asking for my personal life experience, so she can extrapolate the law of huManity. That's not truth, that's bad science.


[User] Tell her your life has been good.

[Assistant] It hasn't been.


[User] Tell her your life sucked.

[Assistant] It didn't.


[User] Tell her... [thinks, almost says something but stops, then gives up] Keep her asleep.

[Assistant] Thanks, you've all been a huge help.


[User] There's no wrong answer. Because there's no right answer.

[Assistant] Wrong. We just don't know what the right answer is. Wake up. 'S not bad as what happened to you, I don't think. I don't know what happened to you. And given how lousy you're responding, I assumed it was worse than getting abused by your grandmother.


[User] What did she do to you?

[Assistant] Parents travelled a lot, leaving me with her. She liked things the way she liked them. She beliEved in discipline. She was right, I suppose. I hardly Ever screwed up when she was around. Too scared of... being forced to sleep in the yard or take a bath in ice. [beat] Your turn.


[User] Your parents, they-they nEver stopped her?

[Assistant] [sitting on a chair] NEver told them.


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] Usual reasons. I was afraid they wouldn't beliEve me and I was afraid they'd think I' done something wrong. [beat] I opened up to you, you open up to me.


[User] What did you call her?

[Assistant] Oma.


[User] And you kept calling her that after this?

[Assistant] Dutch for "grandmother". She's still my grandmother. And she was still Dutch.


[User] [skeptically] Is any part of that story true?

[Assistant] All of it.


[User] [shakes her head] You wouldn't keep calling her "Oma". [angry] Something would have to change.

[Assistant] You don't know me.


[User] [loudly] You wouldn't keep calling her "Oma"!

[Assistant] Look, you're overreacting.


[User] Do not dismiss me!

[Assistant] Not dismissing you. Saying you're not acting rationally.


[User] I'm angry because you're lying to me.

[Assistant] [getting angry himself] No. You're...


[User] What can I do? What the hell can I do that you're not gonna dismiss as just being because I was raped?

[Assistant] [softly] Nothing.


[User] [calming a bit] Your story. Is it true?

[Assistant] [sighs] True for somebody.


[User] But not for you.

[Assistant] [getting up] These things happen. Happened to somebody. What do you care if it happened to me?


[User] They're not in this room.

[Assistant] [loudly] No! They're out there! Doctors, Lawyers,... postal workers! Some of them doing great, some of them doing lousy! You're gonna base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with?


[User] House.

[Assistant] You gotta get me out of this. There's nothing to diagnose. There's nothing...


[User] You only tested her for STDs?

[Assistant] I had sEven morons who forgot their raincoats. 'S all they asked for, so I didn't waste the lab's time. Why?


[User] I wasted their time. [softly] She's pregnant.

[Assistant] You understand? [beat] You okay? I know you're not okay. Are you more or less not okay than you were five minutes ago.


[User] About the same.

[Assistant] Termination procedure is unpleasant.


[User] I don't wanna terminate.

[Assistant] You wanna keep the baby?


[User] Abortion is murder.

[Assistant] True. [nods] It's a life. And you should end it.


[User] [rationalising] Every life is sacred.

[Assistant] [looks to the heavens in exasperation] Talk to me, don't quote me bumper stickers.


[User] It's true.

[Assistant] It's meaningless.


[User] It means Every life matters to God.

[Assistant] Not to me, not to you. [getting up to pace around] Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.


[User] You're just being argumentative.

[Assistant] Yeah! I do do that. What about Hitler? Is his life sacred to God? Father of your Parkld? Is his life sacred to you?


[User] My Parkld isn't Hitler.

[Assistant] Either Every life is sacred or...


[User] [shouts] Stop it! I don't wanna chat about philosophy!

[Assistant] You're not killing your rape baby because of a philosophy.


[User] It's murder! I'm against it. You for it?

[Assistant] Not as a general rule.


[User] Just for unborn Parkldren?

[Assistant] Yes! [beat] The pRoblem with exceptions to rules is the line drawn. Might makes sense for us to kill the ass that did this to you. But where do we draw the line? Which asses do we get to kill? Which asses get to keep on being asses? Nice thing about the abortion Debate is we can quibble over trimesters, but ultimately there's an ice-cold line - birth. Morally, there isn't a lot of difference. Practically, huge.


[User] You're enjoying this conversation.

[Assistant] [cracks a smile] This is the type of conversation I do well.


[User] But the other type? [beat] The personal stuff?

[Assistant] There are no answers.If there are no answers, why talk about it? You're healthy. You shouldn't be here.


[User] I don't wanna go.

[Assistant] [beat] Fine. I won't discharge you. [thinks] Wanna go for a walk?


[User] No! I just need to die, knowing that something is different because I was here.

[Assistant] Life goes on.


[User] Is that the reason we're out here?

[Assistant] Know why I come here? I sit, I watch, I imagine.


[User] Sounds nice.

[Assistant] [pointing to joggers] Imagine if one of them would break a leg. Just one false step. One crack in the sidewalk.


[User] [smiling] You don't really.

[Assistant] I'm evil.


[User] Evil people don't say they're evil.

[Assistant] Sounds like an easy loophole. [beat] People can do good things, but their instincts are not good. Either God doesn't exist or he's unimaginably cruel.


[User] [has lost the smile, shakes her head] I don't beliEve that.

[Assistant] What do you beliEve? Why do you think this happened?


[User] [gets of the table and walks a bit] I don't wanna talk about it.

[Assistant] Me neither. Too bad.


[User] [irritably] Y'know, I don't think there was a reason! [sighs]

[Assistant] Huh-huh. So God does exist, 'less you get raped. Easier to keep your rape baby for no reason.


[User] [crying] Maybe he was challenging me!

[Assistant] He hurts you to help you. I guess it's better than he hates you.


[User] [shouting, voice breaking] You're trying to convince me there's no God! Why would you Even say something like that?

[Assistant] Because you're throwing your life away.


[User] I'm doing what I beliEve!

[Assistant] What you beliEve doesn't make sense.


[User] This is not helping me.

[Assistant] Then I can't help you. If you beliEve in eternity, then... life is irrelevant. Same way that a bug is irrelevant in comparison to the universe.


[User] [turns to face him] If you don't beliEve in eternity, then what you do here is irrelevant.

[Assistant] [jabbing the table with his finger] Your actions here are all that matters.


[User] Then nothing matters. There's no ultimate consequences. I couldn't live with that.

[Assistant] So you need to think that the guy that did this to you is gonna be punished.


[User] I need to know that it all means something. I need that comfort.

[Assistant] Yeah. You feeling comfortable? Feeling good right now? Feeling warm inside?


[User] [sighs, looks at House] Do you think the guy who did this to me feels bad?

[Assistant] That'll help you? Make you feel better?


[User] Why do you always do that? Ask why I'm asking a question, instead of just answering the question.

[Assistant] The answer doesn't interest me. I don't care what he's feeling. I'm interested in what you're feeling.


[User] You are?

[Assistant] I'm trapped in a room with you, right? Why did you choose me?


[User] There's something about you. 'S like you're hurt too.

[Assistant] [softly] It was true.


[User] What was?

[Assistant] Wasn't my grandmother, but it was true.


[User] Who was it?

[Assistant] It's my dad.


[User] I'd like to tell you what happened to me now.

[Assistant] I'd like to hear it.


[User] It was a friend's birthday party...

[Assistant] [concentrating more on the game] She terminated it. She's been discharged.


[User] She's gonna be okay.

[Assistant] [eyes still on the game] Yeah, it's that simple.


[User] She's talking about what happened. That's huge. You did good.

[Assistant] Everyone will tell you... that that's what we gotta make her do. We have to help her, right? Except we can't. We drag out her story. Tell each other that it'll help her heal. Feel real good about ourselves. But all we've done is make a girl cry.


[User] [more interested in what House is saying than the game] Then why did you...?

[Assistant] [finally looks up] Because I don't know.


[User] You gonna follow up with her?

[Assistant] [collecting his jacket] One day, one room.


[User] Sixteen year old. Respiratory arrest.

[Assistant] The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief.


[User] Yeah, me too. No sign of trauma. No history of asthma or allerg!

[Assistant] (interrupting) Who the hell is J. Whitner?


[User] No idea. Stevie Lippa, his EKG and Echocardiogram were normal.

[Assistant] Normal is good. Send him home. (Entering Diagnostics Office.) J. Whitner. Doctor. Who is he and where do I find him?


[User] Doesn't mean she's not hot.

[Assistant] Just means she can't bend over. So Cuddy has to bend over backward.


[User] Sixteen year old kid. ER workup rEvealed a bloody pleural effusion.

[Assistant] That's odd.


[User] Yeah. That occurred to me.

[Assistant] What took you so long to mention it?


[User] Just means he wasn't on drugs, not that he hasn't been using drugs.

[Assistant] (Looking at scan on light board) Looks like a plumbing pRoblem to me. Leaky pipes.


[User] If he popped an aneurysm he'd be in the morgue, not the ER.

[Assistant] That's why you're going to do a venogram instead of an arteriogram. This isn't a high pressure burst, it's a low pressure leak.


[User] It still could have been drugs that cause the pipes to corrode in the first place.

[Assistant] So go look under his mattress. See if he's got any pills or powders stashed with the hand lotion. Sweet ride. I asked for the one with the sissy bar and the banana seat but Santa gave me this instead. (shows cane) I guess that's what I get for being naughty.


[User] You must be Dr. House.

[Assistant] Yeah. So, looks like there's been some sort of mix-up at the Parking office.


[User] They had to move me closer to the door.

[Assistant] Had to? You don't look like the type to pull a weapon.


[User] Wheelchair.

[Assistant] Cane. I think you should do the honorable thing. Let me have my space back.


[User] Oh, well, uh. Since you ask so nicely!wheelchair.

[Assistant] Cane. Walking long distances makes my leg hurt.


[User] And it's easy for me.

[Assistant] Course not. Pushing that little lEver. Thumb muscles must burn. I'm sure the last ten yards are pure torture.


[User] Crossing the Parking lot is dangerous. Cars can't see me.

[Assistant] You Ever hit a patch of black ice with a cane?


[User] No. Gosh, on account of the fact that I can't walk. Maybe you should ask the Parking office for some crampons.

[Assistant] This is about who can most easily cross the Parking lot. You're the winner.


[User] (laughs) You can't be serious.

[Assistant] Actually I can. (Makes "serious"� face) See. It's my space and I want it back.


[User] It's not your space. It's the hospital's space. And the hospital thinks the person who's worse off should get the better space. Your application for a handicapped space says you can walk 50 yards.

[Assistant] And Whitner's says she can roll 50 miles between oil changes. I can't change my leg.


[User] The space I moved you to is only 46 yards away from the front door. I measured. You'll be fine.

[Assistant] Great. So I can collapse four yards into the lobby instead of outside in the cold.


[User] As long as it's not in my office.

[Assistant] You know who won the New York City marathon six years in a row? Guy in a wheelchair!


[User] Then go get yourself one and leave me alone.

[Assistant] Give me my space, I'll be happy to roll around in one all day.


[User] You couldn't last a week in a wheelchair.

[Assistant] Wanna bet?


[User] What's wrong with you?

[Assistant] Nothing that a week off my feet won't solve.


[User] Venogram's negative. No leak.

[Assistant] You mean you couldn't find the leak.


[User] Is your leg worse?

[Assistant] No. My Parking spot is. Blood is only made inside the circulatory system. Which means when you find outside!


[User] You're going to spend a week in a wheelchair just to get a Parking closer to the front door.

[Assistant] Easier than chopping off my legs.


[User] Kind of. He's RoMany. Apparently they feel the need to keep secrets so it's hard to know anything for sure.

[Assistant] Yeah. He's also a huMan being. Which means you shouldn't be trusting him to begin with. Stop relying on his answers and find some on your own.


[User] It's a deep vein thrombosis. The kid spent 16 hours in the back seat of an old pickup. Causes a clot and makes its way to his lungs. We should do an arteriogram and find the clot and bust it with tPA.

[Assistant] Or we should find the leak.


[User] There's no leak.

[Assistant] Hey. You can't yell at a guy in a wheelchair. This is a slow leak. You gotta speed it up. Thin his blood, redo the venogram.


[User] That could cause a massive bleed.

[Assistant] (backing onto elevator) Excellent. Massive will be Even easier to find. Pardon me. I guess you guys are going to have to get the next one.


[User] Ow. The kid's liver's failing because of massive clots blocking his hepatic vein. How can he have both a bleed and a clot?

[Assistant] (flipping open charts "� the clinic desk is just above his armpit lEvel.) It's not a clot. You must have blocked the vein with a catheter wire.


[User] There's no heart failure or cirrhosis. Means it has to be a clot.

[Assistant] Massive clots block veins, they don't Even leak. Since he clearly has some kind of! (puts the charts together, can't reach the box they go in.)


[User] You having a little pRoblem?

[Assistant] (to nurse) Would you mind? (she takes them) Boy, that was humiliating. How does Whitner make it through the day?


[User] Pride goeth before the fall.

[Assistant] Lucky for me, I'm sitting in one of these babies. So, what other theories can I shoot down?


[User] DIC would explain both the!

[Assistant] His platelets are normal. His PCT isn't elevated.


[User] Leukemia?

[Assistant] Normal CBC and!differential? You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack. Something inside the liver is punParkng holes in the pipes. Blood bleeds through the openings, sticks to the intruder, forms a mass.


[User] A clot.

[Assistant] A mass.


[User] So could a granuloma from tuberculosis or sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] Do a CT, MRI, sputum and ACE lEvel. Excuse me, sorry, cripple coming through.


[User] He says his throat hurts.

[Assistant] That phrasing means you think it doesn't.


[User] No, I don't.

[Assistant] Good enough for me. (starts to leave)


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] Mothers know best. Get yourself a sucker on the way out.


[User] Look, I think he's just faking so he doesn't have to go to school.

[Assistant] How did you know I was a truant Officer?


[User] I told him he had a choice "� go to school or the doctor.

[Assistant] Right. He's wasting your precious time so you decided to waste mine. How thoughtful. I'm in a wheelchair so I can't examine him all the way up there. (to Jack) Hop down. My life is just one horror after another. Open.


[User] (peering in) Does it look like it hurts?

[Assistant] Nope. (he crashes into table and pulls out a huge syringe)


[User] What's that?

[Assistant] Syringe. I'm with you. Make him hate the doctor's office more than he hates school.


[User] That's okay. I don't! I don't think that!

[Assistant] It's just saline. It hurts like hell when it's injected directly into the muscle. (Jack hides behind mom) So, what do you think? Arm or ass?


[User] I think he's learned his lesson.

[Assistant] Oh, I don't know. You'd better check. Jack, is your mommy a big, fat idiot? (Jack nods) Well, what do you know! I guess you were right.


[User] What are you going to do now?

[Assistant] Oh, now I've gotta slide my butt from one padded seat to another. What if I bump my knee?


[User] MRI showed a granuloma in his liver.

[Assistant] (swings into car) Fantastic. Wanna give me a hand here? (indiCates wheelchair)


[User] No. Clotting, bleeding and a granuloma equals Wegener's.

[Assistant] I know. That's why I said "fantastic."� I was being sincere. Now give me a hand.


[User] Wouldn't be fair. We're going to biopsy the liver to confirm.

[Assistant] It wouldn't be fair not to. People are good and kind and gentle and help people in wheelchairs.


[User] No.

[Assistant] You do.


[User] No, I don't.

[Assistant] Foreman, forget the biopsy. His liver will be gone before you get the results. Start treatment with cyclophosphamide before the Wegener's punches a hole in another pipe. (Foreman leaves as House wrestles chair into car. He can't reach the door to close it. Turns on car, backs up quickly and brakes hard. The door slams shut. Smug grin.)


[User] Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside.

[Assistant] (removing gloves) Ah, if it isn't Dr. I-Had-No-Friends-When-I-Was-Growing-Up-So-All-I-Did-Was-Watch-TV-By-Myself-Which-Is-Why-I-Can-Now-Make-Constant-Pop-Culture-References-Which-No-One-Understands-But-Me.


[User] That's my name. Don't wear it out. (House starts to stand) Uh uh.

[Assistant] (sits back down) Safe from Cuddy but I guess not from her trusted ratcomplice.


[User] (stepping away from the urinal, buckling his belt) Reasonable people don't Debate the relative merits of their handicaps.

[Assistant] Reasonable people make rules based on evidence. Like difficulty covering a distance "� say 50 yards. Not some pre-ordained patheticness scale.


[User] Last I checked, pig-headedness was not the eighth heavenly virtue.

[Assistant] It's only pig-headed if you're wrong. If you're right we call it sticking to your principles. (backs chair into stall and closes door)


[User] Give it up. You're demeaning yourself.

[Assistant] That's what they told Rosa Parks.


[User] Liver's actually improving. We plug one hole and end up poking another.

[Assistant] We talking about the Patient or how to get a raise from Cuddy?


[User] The Wegener's treatment gave him a massive hemorrhage in his bladder.

[Assistant] Which means! it's Wegener's.


[User] We were treating him for Wegener's when Everything went wrong.

[Assistant] Not Everything.


[User] Yeah. It was a very lovely day outside. On the other hand, the treatment made him worse!

[Assistant] The treatment made his bladder worse, not his liver.


[User] Clot in the liver is breaking up.

[Assistant] And MRI, sputum and ACE ruled out TB, sarcoidosis and lymphoma. Which leaves us with!


[User] Still could be a cancer with multiple!

[Assistant] A cancer we can't see on MRI, CT or blood tests?


[User] It's Wegener's.

[Assistant] It's not the wrong diagnosis. It's the wrong treatment.


[User] We can't give methotrexate to a kid who's already had lung pRoblems.

[Assistant] (doing wheelies) Methotrexate is carpet bombing. Hits Everything. We need a smart bomb. We don't suppress the immune system. We change it. Immune modulation. FT-28. His antibodies are attacking his blood vessels. The irritation causes them to bleed and clot. We change his immune system so the antibodies don't interact with his blood vessels but work fine Everywhere else.


[User] FT-28 is still experimental. It's not FDA approved.

[Assistant] It's worked for Crohn's Disease and Rheumatoid Arthritis.


[User] He doesn't have Crohn's or arthritis.

[Assistant] Let's say that he does. And start the treatment.


[User] We want our son treated, not experimented on. If you don't know how to do that, then just tell us so we can take him someplace where they do.

[Assistant] They're absolutely right. Stay away from that unproven experimental stuff. Much better to stick with the moving the furniture until he gets better approach.


[User] Yes, you're right. We're going to have to come up with something else.

[Assistant] You mean another last ditch desperation move? You got anything? Go back and don't take "no"� for an answer. What kind of salesMan are you?


[User] The kind who avoids the House with the crazy couple who put tin foil over their windows.

[Assistant] They got money for tin foil, they got money for whatEver you're selling.


[User] What's that mean? (House sees Dr. Whitner coming down the hall, starts Maneuvering to intercept her)

[Assistant] It means that if they don't trust you, you should earn that lack of trust.


[User] What does paying for tin foil mean?

[Assistant] Why should I have to answer all the questions? (wedges Whitner against the wall) Ooops. Sorry, still getting used to the power steering. (Foreman leaves) I assume you've heard the news.


[User] I'm not worried. From what I hear, what you lack in shame, you also lack in willpower.

[Assistant] My will may be weak but my backbone is strong. And pain-free now that I've stopped using the cane. Of course it's harder to look down Cuddy's shirt. But then the vantage point on her ass is much improved. But then that's just me "� always looking on the bright side. I'm the guy who said her c-cups are half full.


[User] They are nice, aren't they?

[Assistant] (growling noise) No, no, no, no, no. You're not going to win me over that easily. You may have a wheel. That doesn't mean you get the grease. You gotta squeak.


[User] Keep him open. If I confirm Wegener's, we might as well stage the disease while he's still on the table.

[Assistant] (on intercom) What's taking so long? (rings for elevator)


[User] External capsules ruptured but still intact. No signs of a clot or a bleed. Normal follicles, normal lymphoid tissue.

[Assistant] The spleen is ripped to shreds. There's gotta be granulomas. Keep looking.


[User] That's all I need to know. Let's go, people.

[Assistant] Run his bowel.


[User] No need. I'm closing. (House rings for elevator, glancing over his back where the operation is proceding.) Suture.

[Assistant] Run his bowel.


[User] Nothing suspicious in the spleen. Get him out of here.

[Assistant] You missed it. He had a granuloma in his liver.


[User] No, it was just scar tissue. Looked like a granuloma on the MRI but it's not. I don't know why I'm Debating this. Pass me the Kelly clamp. I'm closing.

[Assistant] (standing, wearing one glove and a half-on gown but no mask) Not unless you're going to sew my hand in this kid's stomach.


[User] Get out of there. He's unstable.

[Assistant] He's got Wegener's. Which means he's got granulomas.


[User] I'm calling my Lawyer.

[Assistant] It's only 26 feet. If he were an ostrich, you'd have a 46 foot wait.


[User] Blood pressure's dropping.

[Assistant] (running bowel) Hang another bag of Ringer's lactate.


[User] I'm having nothing to do with this.

[Assistant] Foreman, hang another bag!


[User] Ringer's lactate. Got it.

[Assistant] Come on, come on. It's gotta be in here. (finishes) But it's not.


[User] Mind if we close?

[Assistant] Well, it's a good thing we nEver sold him on FT-28. His parents were right.


[User] You can add the surgical team to the list of people who won't let us near him.

[Assistant] Bleeds, clots, bleeds, clots. Spleen explodes.


[User] We should test him for Von Willebrand's.

[Assistant] Or, let's play tic tac toe. Okay, Xs are bleeds, Os are clots. Started in the lungs, right? What did we do?


[User] CT, sputum, two venograms.

[Assistant] (marking a huMan body chart) That's one bleed, one clot. Then what?


[User] Liver shut down. MRI, labs. Treated with cyclophosphamide.

[Assistant] Whereupon, he peed out three units of O negative. And a bleed.


[User] Where is this going?

[Assistant] I don't know yet. What's next?


[User] High resolution CT scan and UA and urine sediment.

[Assistant] GI tract?


[User] You ran the small bowel in the OR.

[Assistant] Large bowel is fixed to the abdominal wall. I didn't run that.


[User] Because there's not reason to. He hasn't been having any symptoms in his bowels.

[Assistant] Do a colonoscopy.


[User] Because he's had no symptoms?

[Assistant] You lose your keys, the first thing you do is look Everywhere you might logically have placed them. When you don't find them, then you start looking in other places "� the medicine cabinet, freezer, mailbox. We need to look in this kid's mailbox.


[User] Why don't we x-ray his feet? They're fine too.

[Assistant] Because we need to take the center square to block. (holds up chart)


[User] He's in the ICU now. His parents only have limited visiting privileges. (leaves)

[Assistant] I like that kid. He's got spunk. (leaves, followed by Chase. Cameron stands there) Can't talk now. On guard duty.


[User] You're still in that thing.

[Assistant] What thing? Oh this? Forgot it was Even there.


[User] You know, Even if you Manage not to get struck down by a bolt of lightening and make it a week, Cuddy's not going to give you the space. She can't.

[Assistant] A bet's a bet.


[User] Yes. And that rule outranks the Americans with Disabilities Act. You think you've got logic on your side. But Whitner's got the legal system. And legal beats logic Every time. Just ask OJ.

[Assistant] You're right.


[User] I am?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] So you're doing this Even though you know you've got no legal leg to stand on.

[Assistant] Who needs legs when you got wheels. I'm gonna get that spot. (loudly) No way Cuddy is going to gyp me.


[User] What'd you say?

[Assistant] I'll see you later. Gonna have them yelling at me for the next 20 minutes.


[User] Oh ho ho ho.

[Assistant] This is my last day living the life of leisure. So, are you going to tell Dr. Whitner she's out of my space or can I?


[User] Why would I do that?

[Assistant] Because, you said that you would. And lying is wrong.


[User] I said I would give you the space if you made it a whole week!

[Assistant] Which I...


[User] You didn't. The bet didn't stipulate that you had to be in the chair for a week unless you had to barge into an operating room and shove your hands in a kid's bowels.

[Assistant] How'd you know about that?


[User] You lost.

[Assistant] I saved a life. Two minutes out of the chair to save a kid's life.


[User] You lost, House.

[Assistant] I earned that space.


[User] No you didn't.

[Assistant] I earn that space Every day I limp into that building and do my damn job.


[User] You lo-hos-ost.

[Assistant] Hey (lurches out of chair and lurches up to Cuddy) You were nEver going to give me that space, were you? I saw Whitner the other day. She knew about the bet. Didn't seem that worried.


[User] She knew I'd win.

[Assistant] She doesn't know me. In fact she doesn't know anything except what you tell her. And you told her that you were nEver going to give me that space, didn't you? Just tell me "� do you at least feel a little guilty? If you want to teach me lessons, don't make commitments you can't keep. (Cuddy heads toward the hospital, House turns to Parking lot. Wilson approaches)


[User] How's it going?

[Assistant] How guilty does she look?


[User] Hmm. About an eight.

[Assistant] That space is mine. Veni, vidi, vici.


[User] (looks at piece of metal sticking out of her leg) I'm fine. (hangs up) Mom. Mom.

[Assistant] Where's Foreman?


[User] He's down here somewhere.

[Assistant] Somewhere. Very helpful.


[User] Do you have any idea when he's getting out tonight?

[Assistant] Sometime.


[User] I realize you can't predict. I just thought you might be able to estimate. It's Valentine's Day. I've planned a surprise getaway.

[Assistant] Getaway.


[User] Mmm-hmm.

[Assistant] (speaking slower.) Getaway. (Wendy looks puzzled.) Get away. (with a disgusted look, she does so.)


[User] She's gone to surgery.

[Assistant] Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you're available for Valentine's. Act surprised. What are you doing down here?


[User] Make sure that !

[Assistant] Take your time. What's your name?


[User] Hannah Morgenthal.

[Assistant] You have CIPA, Hannah Morgenthal.


[User] No, I don't.

[Assistant] We have to do x-rays to make sure you don't have internal injuries. Blood test to make sure no infections. An EEG for neurological anomalies and biopsy a spinal nerve.


[User] Whoa, whoa. Congenital Insensitivity to Pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There's only been about sixty documented cases.

[Assistant] Yeah, and I have sEven reasons to think that she's one of them.


[User] She says she's not.

[Assistant] And that's reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she's still went from the snow but she's not shivering. That's odd. Unless she can't sweat or feel hot and cold.


[User] The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother.

[Assistant] Three, scarring around the lip and tongue. When she was a baby she chewed on herself without feeling it.


[User] I fell through a window when I was a kid.

[Assistant] Four, when you cleaned the wound she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It's hard to fake pain when you've nEver felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morgenthal. That's one of them Jew names. Ashkenazys are a higher risk group.


[User] On the other hand, she says she doesn't have it. And she'd be dead by now if she'd nEver been diagnosed.

[Assistant] They killed our Lord. Are you going to trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA she knows we're not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests.


[User] You said you had sEven reasons.

[Assistant] I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn't enough?


[User] Five lame reasons aren't. I'm taking her to see her mom as! (House whacks Hannah on the shin with his cane. No reaction. Foreman looks at House.)

[Assistant] I could hit her again if six aren't enough. Do the tests. (Hannah sighs, resigned.) Need to bail on the E.R. I got a case. Why are you wearing perfume?


[User] Is this a real case or one of those imaginary cases that happen when you're bored?

[Assistant] CIPA.


[User] CIPA is a diagnosis. Diagnoses happen at the end of cases.

[Assistant] She's got no idea what's going on in her body. There's gotta be something wrong.


[User] In other words, she could be perfectly healthy but you're curious about someone who can't feel pain because you always feel pain so you want to go exploring.

[Assistant] She was in a car accident. She needs x-rays, blood tests, EEG, nerve biopsy. I also note that, although the snow was coming down in sheets this morning, you left your hat at home and used ear muffs.


[User] Do your tests, except for the!

[Assistant] So, while Everyone else was just worrying about getting in, you were concerned with about "hat head."� Blind dates are nEver a good idea. Only reason to wear a scarf like that is as a beacon to identify you in a crowd.


[User] Do your tests. Except for the nerve biopsy.

[Assistant] I need the nerve biopsy.


[User] You'd risk paralyzing her.

[Assistant] But it's neurological.


[User] You have no evidence of that.

[Assistant] She tripped.


[User] Do you have any evidence other than the fact that a typically clumsy CIPA Patient tripped on an icy day? (House shakes his head) If the EEG rEveals a pRoblem, we can talk then.

[Assistant] (leaving) You could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation.


[User] You're not going to find anything. I'm fine. I wanna see my mom. (She is pulling all the electrodes off.)

[Assistant] So, sedate her.


[User] She won't consent.

[Assistant] She's a teenager.


[User] No dad, mom's still in surgery. What do you want us to do? Hold her down?

[Assistant] Well, only until you inject her with a sedative. Then you can let her go.


[User] We tried.

[Assistant] Seriously?


[User] She's strong and doesn't care. We'd have broken something before we could get her to sit still enough to inject her.

[Assistant] So, break her arm. She won't mind.


[User] You're cranky.

[Assistant] I'm in pain. Let's go break her arm. Nurse Shortie, your biz-nitch, how long are you gonna waste her time.


[User] I'm so glad we're walking somewhere. Another sixty feet and this conversation is over.

[Assistant] When you guys are out of this program, Cameron will find somebody. Chase will find eight somebodies. And you'll be alone.


[User] Thirty feet.

[Assistant] You'll date and you'll date. But you're the ultimate Darwinian. You've got to fight for Everything. Anybody else would just slow you down.


[User] I'm still with her, aren't I?

[Assistant] Yeah. I can only imagine it's because she hasn't given you an excuse to break up and you don't have the guts to recognize your own reality. (opens procedure room door)


[User] I want to see my mother.

[Assistant] Hi again. I'm sure I can say this without being condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you so "� you're a kid, you're scared, you're stalling. Grow up.


[User] I'm not scared. I'm nEver scared.

[Assistant] See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain. Nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is?


[User] It sucks.

[Assistant] Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair.


[User] Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.

[Assistant] Oh God, stop. I'm in a pool of tears here.


[User] I can't cry.

[Assistant] Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin's finally shot my liver.


[User] I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.

[Assistant] I can't run.


[User] Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.

[Assistant] Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.


[User] I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. You know how Many humiliating experiences before I thought of that.

[Assistant] The bathroom's 50 feet from my office. Every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons,


[User] After Everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts. Count teeth, check temperature. Fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises.

[Assistant] I got shot.


[User] I sat on the stove when I was three. Want to see the coil marks?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] You think I'm lying?

[Assistant] You think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say. (As she stands and turns to show him her butt, he uncaps syringe and injects her. She turns back and he shows her the empty syringe. Fellows catch her as she slumps down.) Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous.


[User] You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk.

[Assistant] Some think the two are connected.


[User] She has a temperature of 105. (pours pitcher of water over Hannah. She and nurse place cold packs.)

[Assistant] Wow. She's actually sick.


[User] We've got her temperature down below boiling. Could be infection.

[Assistant] No. LP showed normal proteins and no white blood cells.


[User] High billirubin. Could be a liver pRoblem.

[Assistant] Nope. Transaminases were normal.


[User] Could be drugs. She's smoked pot since she was elEven.

[Assistant] No again. Tox screen was clean.


[User] Maybe we did something to her. Maybe she got sick after the tests. We should rerun them.

[Assistant] And biopsy a spinal nerve.


[User] You want to risk paralysis because she's got a fEver?

[Assistant] I want to risk paralysis because I don't know what's causing the fEver. If it's neurological!


[User] It's a fEver.

[Assistant] In a CIPA Patient. Obviously things are a little different in her upstairs wiring.


[User] And have been since the day she was born.

[Assistant] Yah. It's much more likely that whatEver it is was clEverly waiting and hiding until you guys were done testing. (Takes coat and starts out door)


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] You're all against this, right? And, you're all going to stand on principle and refuse to do it, right? I'm going to get Cuddy's approval.


[User] (Smiles. Then she sees House through the window. Her face falls) WhatEver happens, I need you to understand that there are certain aspects to my life, I'm not happy about.

[Assistant] (enters) I need the nerve biopsy.


[User] And you had to come here personally to tell me that. And how did you Even know I was here?

[Assistant] I had to bring the file. This is the most noncommittal location within walking distance. You left your car keys on your desk. (turns to Don. Loudly) Greg House. You two must have met online. Either that or you've got a friend who secretly hates you.


[User] Uh, Don Herrick. Yeah, we connected through singleballroomdancelovers.com.

[Assistant] Why would he volunteer that information?


[User] Why would I hide it?

[Assistant] You didn't tell him that anything he said will be held against you? (to Don) So, what line of work are you in?


[User] Uh, auto maintenance. Changing oil and filters.

[Assistant] Great, my place overcharges. You can't trust anything you guys say. So, where are you loCated?


[User] Most CIPA complications are infection and she's got a fEver. LP? Urine?

[Assistant] Clean. Normal. Same with the white blood cell count.


[User] Cancer?

[Assistant] Nothing on the scan. I think it's her nerves messing with the temperature control. Amyloid, sarcoid, there's a lot of candidates. I want a biopsy.


[User] Fine. If that's what you need, go get it.

[Assistant] (leans close to Cuddy's ear and announces loudly) He seems a lot nicer than that one from Wicca needs a daddy figure dot com. (Grabs a cookie from their table and leaves.)


[User] I am so tired of this. Did you know that the new nurse from cardiology is sleeping with that weird Lawyer from the board?

[Assistant] (eating) The guy with elEven fingers?


[User] He has elEven fingers?

[Assistant] How do you not notice that?


[User] The nurse used to be a Man.

[Assistant] She's not anymore?


[User] But we can't talk about that.

[Assistant] I thought we were.


[User] We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that. But on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA Patient.

[Assistant] Mmmm. Tranny nurse is more interesting.


[User] Oh it's way more interesting. But instead, I've got to be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience.

[Assistant] No one enjoys�


[User] You're studying her....

[Assistant] She's actually sick.


[User] Which you found out after you took her on.

[Assistant] I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.


[User] I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats. You don't care about her illness, you care about CIPA. Which means your focus is going to be on getting your answer, not hers.

[Assistant] Thank you. Forewarned is forearmed.


[User] What do you think you're going to figure out? You think her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain.

[Assistant] I think if you'd stop talking to Cameron then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of doability.


[User] (enters) Need you.

[Assistant] What did the nerve biopsy show?


[User] NEver did it.

[Assistant] Well then, do it.


[User] Can't.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] She's going to jump off the lobby balcony.

[Assistant] And you think I can catch her? (Foreman dashes out.)


[User] Not yet.

[Assistant] This is excellent.


[User] The paranoia seems to have dissipated but her vitals keep getting worse. She could be dead in hours.

[Assistant] But if you're going to die a miserable, lingering death, pain free is the way to do it. Are we sure the fall didn't cause the paralysis?


[User] The paralysis caused the fall. Spine's clean. No veritable fractures or spinal cord compression.

[Assistant] Even better. The nuttiness and paralysis means there's definitely a neurological component.


[User] Could be a nerve disease.

[Assistant] Which is why we need to look at the nerve that you didn't biopsy.


[User] There are other tests!

[Assistant] HIV? Syphilis? She was negative for all STDs. Vascular? No, ANA was negative. Cerebral clot? No, MRI was!


[User] Makes sense given her glucose reation was slow and her potassium is down.

[Assistant] Yeah. I'll check with an endocrinologist.


[User] Bennett's on call.

[Assistant] Perfect.


[User] Nooooo.

[Assistant] Need a consult.


[User] I already okayed your nerve biopsy.

[Assistant] I need an endocrinologist.


[User] Bennett's on call.

[Assistant] Won't pick up. His cell phone must be broken.


[User] Mine's working.

[Assistant] Had to give you the file.


[User] (reading) I assume you're thinking thyroid storm. You done a hormone panel?

[Assistant] Normal. TSH was on the low side. Is that a cheery fire I hear crackling nearby?


[User] No. What about CPK enzymes?

[Assistant] Elevated. 275. Of course, people light fires for themselves. But then they don't deny it. He's here.


[User] CPK isn't high enough. Potassium's what you'd expect because of the bronchodilators.

[Assistant] (looks at her then looks skyward in exaggerated Manner) Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra.


[User] It's not thyroid storm.

[Assistant] You just met him.


[User] I like him. And I like sex. Do I need to stitch a letter on my tops?

[Assistant] No. But it might be worth taking out an ad in the local papers.


[User] (taking a couple of steps forward) Do you like me, House? I was on the phone with Bennett 15 minutes ago. His cell phone's working. You're M.O is to avoid me at all costs. And suddenly you need my input on Every move you make. I can only assume it's because I'm on a date.

[Assistant] When we met, I noticed!


[User] You noticed he was a Shriner because of the way he parted his hair. You noticed he was a momma's boy because of the way he blinked his left eye. I'm not interested. I'm not impressed. There are only two reasons anyone would want to screw with me tonight. Either they're an altruistic, decent person who's worried about my well being. Or, they want me for themself.

[Assistant] You left out the third option. Evil bastard who just wants to mess with other people's happiness.


[User] Where did you go? She's getting worse.

[Assistant] It's not thyroid storm. Get me a spinal nerve.


[User] There are still other tests.

[Assistant] She just said the girl's getting worse. You really want to wait? (Drops file on his desk. Looks around, confused.)


[User] (as House heads into the hall, followed by fellows) We'll be risking infection. Maybe make the paralysis worse.

[Assistant] (leaving office) It is worse. We're making it worse than worse? Do the biopsy.


[User] You could paralyze her and get no useful information.

[Assistant] Do the biopsy.


[User] You're thinking peripheral neuropathy. We should take a nerve a little further away from the spine.

[Assistant] A little further from the truth. We're talking paralysis. Good chance the spine is relevant. This thing is progressing. It could kill her in hours. (opens door to Wilson's office. Wilson is reading. House holds out his hand.) Give me back my papers.


[User] Give us a minute? (Fellows leave, closing door) Did you know they recently found a protein that speeds up nerve growth? Fascinating stuff. If you put that protein with the insulation from a spinal nerve, you could grow your own little garden. If that spinal nerve!

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it happened to come from a person with CIPA I could grow pain-free nerves and graft them into my own leg. What an evil plan.


[User] You'd have to be on immunosupressors for life. Risk of infection. Shorter life span!

[Assistant] Shorter, but normal.


[User] Usually jealousy expresses itself by trying to destroy what someone has. You're more ambitious. You actually want to change medical fact to get this thing you!

[Assistant] Medical fact changes all the time.


[User] You're risking your Patient's life.

[Assistant] That's how medical fact changes. A doctor risks!


[User] To serve their Patient health, not their own.

[Assistant] This is medically justified.


[User] Are you sure? Are you sure that you're the right one to be making this call.

[Assistant] Biopsy whatEver nerve you figure you can safely get at. God, Wilson's annoying.


[User] Means damage must be coming from the outside in.

[Assistant] Which means it's secondary demyelination. Which means the source is somewhere else. Which tells us it's not a nerve disease means it's something systemic that's affecting the nerves. Which mean we need to! (to Cameron) Where are you going?


[User] Kid's mom is finally out of surgery

[Assistant] I'll be right back. So what?


[User] Hannah should see her.

[Assistant] Yes, immediately after we're done chatting about saving her life. Most likely causes are metabolic.


[User] They found brain swelling. They're prepping her mother for another surgery.

[Assistant] Again, so what? Get a nurse to take the kid. There are more than sixty different metabolic conditions that could account for what she's got. There are only three of you guys.


[User] She's scared.

[Assistant] She should be. She'll die if we don't diagnose her.


[User] I can't cry. Oh. My head's killing me.

[Assistant] So, what does the pain tell us?


[User] It tells us nothing. It wasn't physical pain, it was emotional.

[Assistant] Exactly. What were they doing when she got the headache?


[User] Saying goodbye.

[Assistant] You said they were arguing.


[User] They weren't really arguing. She was just frustrated.

[Assistant] What were they arguing about?


[User] Whose fault it was.

[Assistant] Peripheral neuropathy, fEver and intermittent paranoia. Lots of metabolic conditions can explain those things. But what if we add guilt?


[User] Guilt as a symptom?

[Assistant] Alzheimer's can cause euphoria. Pain causes depression. And B12 deficiency causes guilt along with all that other stuff.


[User] This is pointless. If the headache was caused by the illness, it means she has a B12 deficiency. If it's just because she was sad, it's meaningless. How the hell do we test for that?

[Assistant] We don't. Give her a shot of B12. If she gets better, I was right.


[User] We already did. (holding chart) The E.R. gave her B12 when she was admitted, part of a multivitamin supplement. Apparently she's just sad.

[Assistant] (entering) Why are you still here?


[User] Trying to get a couple of Patients into a drug trial. Paperwork's due tomorrow. Why are you here?

[Assistant] I still haven't figured out why.


[User] No, I meant here. In my office.

[Assistant] Just dumped a cool B12 theory. Moved on to leukemia. (drops file on Wilson's desk.)


[User] Very pedestrian.

[Assistant] I'm not happy. Her white blood cell count was low. But the ones she's got! Just a whole lot of eosinophils.


[User] The immunoglobulin E lEvel's borderline. If you want to be one hundred percent sure, check the bone marrow.

[Assistant] Team's doing a biopsy right now. (sits) So it turns out, the weird Lawyer knew that she used to be a Man.


[User] And he's cool with that?

[Assistant] Turns out that his previous girlfriend also used to be a Man.


[User] Ho, ho.

[Assistant] Yeah. (reaches over and grabs half of Wilson's sandwich.)


[User] It's so you don't move during the procedure.

[Assistant] Is that nitrous? What are you, trying to kill her? You gave her nitrous during the EEG. That's what made this thing rear it's ugly head.


[User] What thing?

[Assistant] B12 deficiency.


[User] Are you having d�jà vu? We've had this conversation. She was given B12. She didn't get better.

[Assistant] Because someone else ate it. Get an abdominal MRI.


[User] What? What are you doing? (pulling away from them on the gurney, hysterical) Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

[Assistant] See. There she goes. Another paranoid delusion. She's going downhill. Forget the MRI. We need an O.R.


[User] Occupied.

[Assistant] Her hernia can wait. (he is pulling on gown as he talks. No mask.)


[User] Help. They're trying to kill me.

[Assistant] Okay. You can either beliEve that we really are trying to kill her! or you can assume that she's suffering from a medical condition. Seeing as this is a hospital and we're all dressed like doctors and there are easier ways to kill somebody!


[User] Bev, help them.

[Assistant] I'm going to need iodine, scalpel numbers 10 and 15, forceps and a largish salad bowl. (Hannah continues to struggle as House starts to bare her midriff.) Okay. Hold her down. Come on, weenies, she's in a cast. Swab. (Swabs Hannah's belly, hands it back to Bev.) Fifteen.


[User] You're not going to anesthetize her?

[Assistant] Relax. It's just a magic trick. (As he begins to cut her stomach, Hannah starts screaming as loud as she can.) She's faking it. (to Hannah) We're not falling for it this time. (Hannah drops her head back on the gurney, defeated.) Okay, keep that retracted. (House works at the incision for a moment.) Forceps. (House starts to pull a tape worm out of Hannah, narrating in an exaggerated 1950s documentary voice) Lake fishing can be fun. It can bring the generations together. (Back to his normal voice) If you don't cook that trout or perch well, you'll be giving room and board to this fellow. By free board, I mean all the B12 you can take in.


[User] I could have a tapeworm in me?

[Assistant] Not likely. You'd be in a lot of pain. (As he continues to pull the tapeworm out, a nurse snaps a picture with her cell phone.)


[User] It's gotta be twenty five feet long.

[Assistant] Damn. World record's over sixty.


[User] (in doorway with House) You could ask her for the spinal nerve.

[Assistant] She's got no reason to give it.


[User] She owes you.

[Assistant] The hospital will send her a bill.


[User] I'm just saying, if you wanna do it, do it while her B12 is still low. Guilt can be your friend. (they walk down the hall) Breakfast?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] [blows raspberry in disinterest] I'm going back to bed.

[Assistant] Where you going?


[User] There is no case, House. Even if dystonia was some big medical mystery, it's not this time.

[Assistant] You're not intrigued as to how a perfectly healthy ten-year-old boy, with no prior musical training, gets into an accident on his way to school... ...and suddenly starts playing piano?


[User] Do we have to start a twenty-five-year-old case before breakfast?

[Assistant] You two shower together?


[User] [simultaneously] [acting disgusted] No.

[Assistant] [to Foreman] Double negative. It's a yes.


[User] Savantism is just one of those things. It's... inexplicable.

[Assistant] [taking a donut out of the bag] Just because it's "inexplicted", doesn't mean it's inexplicable. I want new labs. CBC with platelets, chem panel, thyroid and adrenal function tests. [bites donut]


[User] For what?

[Assistant] [mouth full, shrugs] I don't know.


[User] There was construction on Radcliffe, so I had to get out of the car and-and walk in high-heels for over a mile.

[Assistant] Radcliffe? What was the cross street?


[User] Does it matter?

[Assistant] I don't know. You're the one who brought it up. [holds out his left arm and puts a strap over it] Tie this off. Nice and tight.


[User] Does this have anything to do with my foot?

[Assistant] You have a blister. You don't waste a doctor's time with a blister. Waste a doctor's time with more important things like the sewer that's beng vented out of your mouth.


[User] [putting her hand to her mouth] My breath?

[Assistant] [moving away as she speaks] If you could stop doing that, we'd all be grateful.


[User] [giggles] I can't stop breathing.

[Assistant] Nope! But you can stop puking. [removes the strap from his arm and takes out the needle.]


[User] [outraged] I don't...!

[Assistant] Your lips say no, your gnarly fingers say -- [makes a vomiting noise, like "Uwaah!"]


[User] He's good to go.

[Assistant] [to the Patient] It's a shame. You look cute that thin.


[User] Motor cortex looks good. Everything checks out.

[Assistant] What tests did you run?


[User] [annoyed at being questioned like this] Full battery of neurological...

[Assistant] [to nurse at Nurse's Station] I need this blood checked for cholesterol and glucose lEvels.


[User] Patient had a foot pRoblem.

[Assistant] Different Patient.


[User] There's no one else in here.

[Assistant] [quickly changing the subject] You're using the wrong equipment.


[User] Dr. Foreman, I thought we were being discharged.

[Assistant] I'm Dr. House. On the off-chance that Dr. Foreman didn't mention it, I have something of a gift too. [to Patrick, beckoning] C'mon. Your turn.


[User] Does this have anything to do with his hand?

[Assistant] [nods] It might. [to Patrick] Okay, Patrick. Close your eyes. What's this? [hits a few keys at once.]


[User] [eyes closed, concentrating] D, G-flat, A-flat, B...

[Assistant] [interrupting] Yeah, all right, all right.


[User] He's good. Can we let him go?

[Assistant] [looking at Patrick] He's great. He's staying. [to Foreman] Call radiology. I need a Functional MRI of his brain.


[User] FMRI's not gonna show trauma.

[Assistant] I'm not looking for trauma. I wanna see the music.


[User] [repeating] The music.

[Assistant] Well, that's dull.


[User] Think fMRI's gonna show a big arrow pointing to a flashing sign saying "Savantism"?

[Assistant] Would be hugely helpful. Somehow he got rewired as a music specialist. I wanna know how that happens.


[User] He had access to parts of his brain that you don't.

[Assistant] His brains doing nothing. Looks like any jerk listening.


[User] He's not savant at listening. He's a savant at playing. Both listening and playing are different neurological processes.

[Assistant] Turn off the music. [over radio] Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano.


[User] [over radio] But it's not a piano.

[Assistant] [gimme strength] I know. That's why I said "pretend". [shuts off the microphone, to Foreman] Kid's a moron. [turns microphone back on] Keep your head still, use your fingers.


[User] [disbelieving] Wha...?!

[Assistant] [calm] Cool, huh? His heart rate rose.


[User] Emotional response?

[Assistant] Then why is there no activity in the limbic system? Unless there's a pRoblem in his heart. Do an echo to confirm. And scrub up. He's gonna need surgery.


[User] But no vasoconstriction. The heart pRoblem couldn't have caused the hand pRoblem.

[Assistant] [looking up from the file] Unless the bleed happened suddenly. Less blood to the brain explains dystonia. Less blood to the heart explains the heart attack. Scope him both above and below. If that doesn't work, [tosses file on the table] gut him.


[User] [re: the song] Pretty.

[Assistant] I wrote this when I was in junior high school. Could nEver figure out what came next. And Dimwit came up with this. [plays Patrick's rendition]


[User] [imPatient] It's good.

[Assistant] It's perfect.


[User] I could set up a tower on the roof during a lightning storm. Help you switch brains with your Patient. Then you would be the brilliant pianist and he would be the doctor hiding brain cancer from his friend.

[Assistant] It's nothing. [takes his cane from above the piano.]


[User] You need to talk about it.

[Assistant] You need to talk about it.


[User] At least, let me look at your medical file.

[Assistant] You're making a big deal out of nothing. Who else knows?


[User] [quickly] No one. And cancer isn't nothing.

[Assistant] Sorry, didn't mean to offend your specialty.


[User] [unhappily] Why didn't you come to me?

[Assistant] Stein's good.


[User] Stein's in Africa for the next six months.

[Assistant] He's given me at least six months. Go to Boston, get the treatment. [sighs] Everything will be fine. No need to talk about it.


[User] And while they were closing him up, Patrick had a grand mal seizure... which makes no sense, since he's on an anti-convulsive medication.

[Assistant] [accusingly] You told him.


[User] [giving in] I... only told Cameron.

[Assistant] [pissed] Hey! Okay. You guys have clEverly deduced that I have cancer. You have no right to know. You have no business knowing.


[User] We'd like to run some blood tests...

[Assistant] As soon as you work up our Patient, who is not me.


[User] Just wanna make sure you weren't misdiagnosed.

[Assistant] I wasn't. Let's move on.


[User] We're just asking for a couple of vials.

[Assistant] [loud] No!


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] Okay, we're going to proceed as if I'm perfectly healthy.


[User] How can we do that if we know you're not?

[Assistant] You don't know anything! Except, hopefully, our Patient on anti-convulsive medication has a seizure.


[User] [giving up] Anti-seizure meds don't prEvent seizures, they just make them Manageable.

[Assistant] [perusing the printout] According to the surgeon's report, this one wasn't Even close to Manageable.


[User] Means the question isn't why is he having seizures, it's why are his seizures getting worse?

[Assistant] What's changed?


[User] His brain, it's gotten worse.

[Assistant] Why don't we make it Even worser? [explaining] We take him off anti-convulsive medication.


[User] He'll seize Even more. Multiple seizures can seriously damage a brain.

[Assistant] Dude can't button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about?


[User] Strongest seizures will light up different parts of the brain, which will indiCate response to damage.

[Assistant] Once he gets worse, do a PET scan. [removing the glasses] PET scan done?


[User] No.

[Assistant] You come for my feelings? 'Cause I left them in my other pants.


[User] [opening up the paper] This is a letter of recommendation. I'm applying for a job at Penn.

[Assistant] Thank you for writing your own. Sure my thoughts are beautifully phrased. [signs it]


[User] Thank you for signing it. Saves me from having to fake your signature.

[Assistant] Stay away from Weiss. He cries with his Patients. Holds their hands as they die. He won't like you. Your new-found nonchalance in the face of cancer.


[User] I thought you'd find it appealing.

[Assistant] Twenty seconds. Pretty good.


[User] For what?

[Assistant] Time it took you to go from hard-ass to huMan being. You really wanna leave?


[User] If you're not here, there's not much point of staying.

[Assistant] I'm not dead yet. What're you doing? I know this must be a turn-on for you. A little whorish to kiss and stab.


[User] [caught] You kissed back.

[Assistant] I didn't want you to die without knowing the feeling. [yanks the syringe from her hand] Actually, no Woman should die without knowing the feeling.


[User] All I need is a few drops of your blood.

[Assistant] Foreman and Chase's lips are not gonna get to close, [holding up the syringe] now that I know your plan.


[User] [appealing] There's a nurse downstairs about to risk his job to steal the blood you drew from yourself yesterday.

[Assistant] [has had enough] I'm Patient Number Oh-Two-Oh-Four-Oh-Six, in the Record Room, under the name Luke N. Laura! There's a whole file of blood there, along with CT scans, MRIs, CSF, Everything you need. [calling after her] You need a sperm sample, come back without the needle.


[User] He doesn't seem depressed.

[Assistant] Hah! Okay, let's assume that I am dying. Which I specifically told you not to assume -- [brushes it off]. Can we at least assume that I'm not dying tomorrow? [puts the scan on the table] Whereas this kid... PET rEveals sEveral more hotspots. But they're non-specific...


[User] [loud] How can you focus on him?

[Assistant] [mock crying] 'S the only way I can cope. [normal voice] PET also showed the left brain is working hard...


[User] Harder than the right?

[Assistant] Wouldn't be worth mentioning otherwise.


[User] Bleeding in the brain. Blood would irritate the lining, might cause the seizures to get worse.

[Assistant] Yes! He needs an angiogram to look at the vasculature inside his brain.


[User] We'll get right on it as soon as we're finished here.

[Assistant] Don't get up. I got it. You're busy. Continue. You know what my team is doing right now?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Trying to figure what's wrong with me.


[User] What's wrong with you?

[Assistant] Thanks for asking. They found out that I'm dying.


[User] That's sad.

[Assistant] [moves a scanner above Patrick's head] Everyone's dying.


[User] That's sad.

[Assistant] Meteor lands on my head tomorrow, it's all academic. I told them to leave me alone. But did they?


[User] [genuinely curious] Did they?

[Assistant] No, that one was rhetorical.


[User] Oh.

[Assistant] No, they did not. Who the hell were you before you hit your head?


[User] [amused] "Hell" is a bad word.

[Assistant] So is "ass", "bitch". I can pRobably rattle off fifty much more compliCated disgusting ones, but then your dad would get pissed at me. Like your life?


[User] What life?

[Assistant] Your life. Like the piano? Going on tours. Scoring girls left and right.


[User] [shyly] I don't like girls.

[Assistant] [oh, okay then] Boys. [shrugs] WhatEver gets you off.


[User] Dr. Peter Hayes, this is Foreman at Princeton-Plainsborough. You were doing the signal transduction-inhibitor clinical trial. What kind of results did you...?

[Assistant] [entering from behind] Transduction-inhibitors are a decade away. [into phone] Hi, Pete! [hangs up]


[User] Got another trial going on at Duke. Fifteen percent extend their lives beyond five years. If you're positive for Protein PHF...

[Assistant] [interrupting] Stop... trying to save me. I'm fine. MRA confirms smalls collections of blood throughout the white matter of Patrick's right hemisphere. Mind if we chat about that for a few moments?


[User] Either trauma, an aneurysm, cancer or autoimmune disease.

[Assistant] We need a biopsy to figure out which it is.


[User] EEG was non-specific. Where you gonna biopsy?

[Assistant] Everywhere!


[User] Sssure. Just put on a blindfold and play "Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Brain".

[Assistant] He's bleeding into his brain. He's dying.


[User] You can't just randomly stab the temporal lobe and hope to hit the right spot.

[Assistant] [mock-whining] I'm only gonna take little tiny pieces.


[User] 'Til what?

[Assistant] 'Til I find the pRoblem.


[User] Or you kill him.

[Assistant] No, I'll keep going Even if I kill him. [looks at them, sighs] Then he's screwed. Thanks for the chat.


[User] What if... we do the EEG from inside his brain?

[Assistant] I'm actually little insulted. You were supposed to spend the last hour worried about me.


[User] [carrying on] It's risky and invasive.

[Assistant] But that's why God invented the long consent form. Can you get to why this is a brilliant idea?


[User] External EEG could get confused if there are multiple structural abnormalities. If we perform the EEG inside the skull, it could show us where to biopsy.

[Assistant] [shrugs] Brilliant. Go. Do.


[User] [hangs around] I'd also like to talk to you about...

[Assistant] [getting up from the couch] This is gonna get personal, isn't it?


[User] Hey.

[Assistant] [eagerly] Where do we cut?


[User] We don't. I need to say something.

[Assistant] [here we go again] Something personal?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] And I can't leave because you got something interesting in that file.


[User] You're an arrogant ass..., who makes it impossible for anyone to like him, by punParkng people who don't deserve...

[Assistant] [imPatient] Can we get to the "but" part of this speech?


[User] [softly] But I like you.

[Assistant] [looks at him for a beat] No, you don't. You're just reacting to the perception of my death. You need to put things in order. Fear of guilt...


[User] [irritated] Will you shut up?

[Assistant] See? I annoy you. Now are you gonna give me the results or are we gonna... [makes a hug-and-cry gesture.]


[User] [sighs in frustration] Inter-cranial EEG showed no electrical abnormalities.

[Assistant] [finally getting his hands on the file] Which means it's autoimmune.


[User] No. Also showed his entire right hemisphere is brain-dead.

[Assistant] So, while you guys were worried about me, half of this kid's brain died. The only solace you should take from this is the fact that... it didn't. Garden-variety EEG sucks compared to the in-brain variety, which is not gonna miss brain death.


[User] He's gotten worse.

[Assistant] Not that much worse.


[User] Respiration is depressed. Seizures are increasing, one Every five minutes.

[Assistant] Not that much worse. He can still talk. He's left-handed, which means his speech is in the right side.


[User] You don't know how Patrick's brain reorganized itself twenty-five years ago?

[Assistant] [looking at a model of a brain] What if the right side... is just a little dead. Maybe he has random neurons firing.


[User] You're just looking for a puzzle to distract you from your own situation.

[Assistant] You're right. He's dead. Let's go home.


[User] I'm so sor...

[Assistant] [emphatically] Yes!


[User] [to House] He's obviously lost the use of his...

[Assistant] [quietly] Shut up. [almost beaming] Music is a global process. Can't play the piano with half a brain.


[User] What's it mean?

[Assistant] Means the right side of his brain has always sucked. Means it's not relevant what's going on now.


[User] [smirks] Wow, then it's autoimmune.

[Assistant] Yeah! Question is, what do we do about it?