[User] You're gonna admit negligence?

[Assistant] Unless you leave the room. If you stay you'll have to testify. [Cuddy stays put.] Five, four, three, two!. So, there I was in the clinic, drunk. I open the drawer, close my eyes, take the first syringe I can find "� [the ducklings smile, Cuddy leaves] So, what are the options for compromised immune system?


[User] Sure, she was feeling better right up to the moment it almost killed her.

[Assistant] On the other hand, it explains the symptoms. Swollen hands, pulmonary pRoblems, cardiac pRoblems "� it all fits.


[User] Except her ANA was normal.

[Assistant] So redraw the blood.


[User] But the treatment is corticosteroids, prednisone, and we can't go there because of the encephalitis.

[Assistant] Then we'll treat it with something that modulates the immune system but doesn't suppress it. Hyperbaric oxygen chAmber.


[User] There's no protocol for putting a Patient in a high-pressure oxygen room to treat autoimmune pRoblems.

[Assistant] Oh, you people. Always with the protocols. [small pause] Prep the nun and discontinue the prednisone. [He begins to erase the whiteboard and continues to talk to Foreman as the others leave.] I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn than you are.


[User] You are aware of the Hippocratic Oath, right?

[Assistant] The one that starts: First, do no harm, then goes on to tell us no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone. Yeah, took a read once, wasn't impressed.


[User] Hyperbaric treatments could cause oxygen toxicity, lung and eye damage "�

[Assistant] Every treatment has its dangers "�


[User] Which is why we treat when we're only convinced the Patient needs the treatment.

[Assistant] I'm convinced. You're not. Question is, what are you going to do about it? Hmm?


[User] This is a chapel. A House of prayer.

[Assistant] House of prayer, huh. That explains the good reception. Also why nobody's Ever here.


[User] I need to talk with you, Dr. House. Sister Augustine beliEves in things that aren't real.

[Assistant] I thought that was a job requirement for you people.


[User] She's been known to lie to get sympathy. She's a hypochondriac.

[Assistant] [turns off TV] So, you're warning me that I may be treating a non-existent ailment


[User] Sore throats, joint pains! there's always something wrong, and there's nEver a reason for it. Mother Superior plays right into it. Lets Augustine off work duties, treating her as fragile, special.

[Assistant] That must make you angry. [eats a piece of chocolate]


[User] It bothers me. It's not really in Augustine's best interests. [She keeps looking at the chocolate bar.]

[Assistant] [offers the chocolate] Want some?


[User] I shouldn't. [takes the bar and sits down next to House]

[Assistant] I guess you've got to be good at reading people to be a good infirmarian, huh.


[User] [around a mouthful of chocolate] Mm hmm.

[Assistant] So, we've got pride, anger, envy, gluttony!. That's four out of sEven deadly sins in two minutes. Do you people keep records of these things? Is there a Cathlympics?


[User] They say you have a gift.

[Assistant] They like to talk.


[User] You hide behind your intelligence.

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty stupid.


[User] And you make jokes because you're afraid to take anything seriously. Because if you take things seriously, they matter, and if they matter "�

[Assistant] And when things go wrong, I get hurt. I'm not tough, I'm vulnerable.


[User] I barely know you, and I don't know if I'm right. I just hope I am. Because the alternative is, you really are as miserable as you seem to be. [pause]

[Assistant] You know, from the way you're looking at me right now, I'd say you just hit number five: lust. [Eucharist hands House his candy bar and leaves. House pulls out his pocket TV.]


[User] Mixed connective tissue disease? Her ANA is barely elevated!

[Assistant] Well, thanks for checking up on her. Good to know you've got my back.


[User] 0-2 stat is down to 83, pulmonary pRoblems, breathing pRoblems "�

[Assistant] Irritation from the oxygen is typical.


[User] She comes in with a rash and you put her into cardiac arrest.

[Assistant] That well just nEver runs dry, does it? If there was no underlying pRoblem, then why is she still having the rapid heartrate?


[User] Maybe from the herpetic encephalitis caused by you giving her prednisone!

[Assistant] Her reaction is a symptom, not an error.


[User] There's always an explanation, isn't there?

[Assistant] Yes, there is! And if this one doesn't work will find another.


[User] But nEver one involving you screwing up.

[Assistant] One that fits all the facts. Look, we obviously have a difference of opinion, and that's fine, but unfortunately I've used up all the time I've budgeted today for banging my head against a wall.


[User] Can't get enough of this place, huh?

[Assistant] Came for my stethoscope.


[User] So, I shouldn't read too much into the fact that you were looking for it in the drawer with the epinephrine syringes in it?

[Assistant] Okay, yeah. I'd like to clear my reputation.


[User] Oh, right. I forgot that you care about what people think. Prescribing cigarettes for inflammatory bowel? It could cause lung cancer, you know.

[Assistant] [leaving the exam room] You know why they have ribbons for breast cancer, colorectal cancer, prostate cancer and not for lung cancer?


[User] They ran out of colors?

[Assistant] It's because people blame lung cancer Patients. They smoked, they screwed up, they deserve to die. The reason people die from lung cancer is guilt. [He enters Cuddy's office where the records are kept.]


[User] Huh. Well, guilt does a lot of damage.

[Assistant] You said that with great significance.


[User] You're not here to find your stethoscope. You're not here to clear your reputation. You're here because you're having doubts. You might have screwed up.

[Assistant] I'm here because, if I'm right, Cuddy is killing that Patient.


[User] Okay, but if you're wrong? [pause]

[Assistant] Then she's saving her.


[User] My mother's been dead for 10 years.

[Assistant] But she's always with you in spirit. What do you know about the nun?


[User] Which one?

[Assistant] The cute one. I think she likes me. The sick one, obviously.


[User] Her parents died when she was a Parkld and she's been with the Church Ever since.

[Assistant] What's she lying about?


[User] Why do you say that?

[Assistant] I always say that. And the old nun says the sick nun is a big fat nun liar. You know nuns, what do you think?


[User] I don't know nuns.

[Assistant] You hate nuns. You can't hate someone if you don't know them.


[User] Know any Nazis? Maybe I hate them on principle.

[Assistant] I have a theory on what makes good boys "good"�. It's not because of some moral imperative. Good boys have the fear of God put into them. Catholic Church specializes in that kind of training, to make good boys afraid of divine retribution so they will do what their daddies tell them, like, for example, going into medical school when it's the last thing they want to do. What do you think?


[User] I think if she did have a secret, her boss would know. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] Did you paint, or put in new carpets recently?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Any way she could have got access to drugs?


[User] Well, we lock all of our medications in the infirmary, and we don't keep prescription drugs here. [Nun is making tea.] Why haven't you asked Sister Augustine about these things directly?

[Assistant] I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone that someone is pRobably the last person you should ask.


[User] Ah. And have you been speaking to Sister Eucharist?

[Assistant] She ratted out her fellow sister pretty quickly. If I were you I'd have her repeat a year of nun school. [Nun chuckles.]


[User] Becoming a nun doesn't make you a saint.

[Assistant] Becoming a doctor doesn't make you a healer.


[User] Just because we live in a monastery and we spend most of our time in prayer doesn't mean we don't find time for drama.

[Assistant] So, what is the sick one's drama?


[User] Sister Augustine lived in Catholic foster care until she came to us. [kettle whistles] Tea?

[Assistant] Sure. Do all of you lie? It's a good strategy, simpler when you all tell the same lie, but she has not spent her entire life as a good Catholic. When she had a cardiac arrest I had to open her blouse to do CPR and I learned two things: nuns can have nice breasts, and she has a tattoo on her shoulder of a skunk. Now, maybe it's the Sacred Skunk of Joseph, but as far as I know, Catholic foster care and monasteries do not keep tattoo parlors in their refractories.


[User] We consider that our life begins when we put on our habits and take our vows. What happens before then "�

[Assistant] Is irrelevant to you, but it's relevant to me.


[User] Sister Augustine went into foster care when she was six years old, but she left when she was twelve. She lived on the streets, she got into drugs. When she was fifteen, she became pregnant, tried to self-abort. She lost the Parkld, she became ill. We took her in when she came back. If we had thought it was medically relevant we would have told you.

[Assistant] It's not. [He takes a sip of tea, then looks at it.] This tea is delicious. Local herbs?


[User] Of course he might be right! It might be the Hand of God at work. Don't say it's something else unless you've got something concrete to offer. [A teabag is thrown onto Cuddy's paperwork, she picks it up and stares at the entering House.] What's this, hemlock?

[Assistant] "I'm going to do you the biggest favor one doctor can do another. I'm gonna stop you from killing your Patient."� It's figwort tea. Great for that little pick-me-up we're all looking for in the morning. Opens the lungs, increases the blood pressure, stimulates the heart. Unfortunately, if you then get injected with Even 0.1 cc of epinephrine: instant cardiac arrest. Still, what the hell, it tastes great.


[User] Sister Augustine "�

[Assistant] Has been drinking it religiously, so to speak.


[User] Take the cardiac arrest out of the equation!

[Assistant] All the rest of the symptoms can be explained by a sEvere long-term allergic reaction.


[User] That's what Cameron said in the beginning.

[Assistant] Yes, she did. Well done. [Cameron smiles.] But your unwillingness to stick by your diagnosis almost killed this Woman. [No more smiles.] Take a lesson from Foreman: stand up for what you beliEve. Okay, let's go figure out how to save a nun. [He leaves.]


[User] Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[Assistant] Because it's been untreated for so long, it's gone from a simple watery eyes, scratchy throat allergy to a whopping I'm-gonna-kick-your-ass allergy, compromising her immune system, diminishing her ability to heal and breaking down her organs systems. So, what's the source?


[User] The dish soap.

[Assistant] No, symptoms persisted days after the dishwashing episode. It's gotta be something she's been exposed to here in the hospital as well as the monastery.


[User] Well, what about the tea? It caused her arrhythmia.

[Assistant] Could be, but it's not definitive.


[User] Get her in a clean room.

[Assistant] Okay. And we'll gradually introduce allergens and see how she responds. When she reacts to something we'll know that's what killing her.


[User] It's a clean room!

[Assistant] How do you get an allergic reaction in a clean room?


[User] Maybe it was the preservatives in the IV?

[Assistant] Checked that.


[User] Latex tubing?

[Assistant] Checked that. Checked Everything.


[User] Well, it could be mast-cell leukemia. It can cause anaphylaxis.

[Assistant] Checked the blood lEvels. And it's not eosinophilia or idiopathic anaphylasix.


[User] Maybe it's just divine will.

[Assistant] It's not my will. [takes a couple of Vicodin]


[User] You do realize if you're wrong, about the big picture that is, you're going to burn, right?

[Assistant] What do you want me to do? Accept it, pack it in?


[User] Yeah. I want you to accept that sometimes Patients die against all reason. Sometimes they get better against all reason.

[Assistant] No, they don't. We just don't know the reason.


[User] I just wanted to say that I know that you did Everything you could.

[Assistant] I don't need verification from you to know that I'm doing my job well. That's your pRoblem, not mine.


[User] I was just being nice.

[Assistant] Yeah, well, you don't need to always do that. [pause]


[User] Sister Augustine's been extubated.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] She's requested to check out against medical advice. She wants to go back to the monastery.

[Assistant] Well, talk her out of it.


[User] I think I may have talked her into it.

[Assistant] Room's paid up for the rest of the week. You might as well stick around.


[User] This illness is a test of my faith. If it's His will to take me, it doesn't matter where I am. I can accept that.

[Assistant] Does anybody beliEve anything you say? You're not accepting. You're running away. Just like you always do. You ran away from the monastery, you get laid, you ran away from the real world when getting laid didn't work out so good. Now things aren't working out again, so off you go.


[User] Why is it so difficult for you to beliEve in God?

[Assistant] What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief. Faith isn't based on logic and experience.


[User] I experience God on a daily basis, and the miracle of life all around. The miracle of birth, the miracle of love. He is always with me.

[Assistant] Where is the miracle in delivering a crack-addicted baby? Hmmm? And watParkng her mother abandon her because she needs another score. The miracle of love. You're twice as likely to be killed by the person you love than by a stranger.


[User] Are you trying to talk me out of my faith?

[Assistant] You can have all the faith you want in spirits and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot. 'Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to put you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the road, I know you look both ways.


[User] I don't beliEve He is inside me and is going to save me. I beliEve He is inside me whether I live or die.

[Assistant] Then you might as well live. You've got a better shot betting on me than on Him.


[User] How'd it go?

[Assistant] She has God inside her. It would have been easier to deal with a tumor.


[User] Maybe she's allergic to God.

[Assistant] We looked Everywhere for an allergen that could be causing this reaction except one place: inside her.


[User] On her medical history she didn't mention any surgery.

[Assistant] She had one.


[User] Can we get her records? What hospital was it at?

[Assistant] She didn't have it at a hospital. Order a full body scan.


[User] What if she refuses?

[Assistant] Tell her I'm looking for a miracle.


[User] Oh my God!

[Assistant] The copper cross, a form of birth control pulled off the market in the 80s.


[User] So, she's allergic to copper.

[Assistant] Rare, but it happens.


[User] Wouldn't she know she had an IUD?

[Assistant] She had an abortion. IUD must have been left in, embedded in the endometrial tissue where it couldn't be detected.


[User] The sixth circle of Hell.

[Assistant] Confined in a sweat box with a bloody nose and all the tissues are soggy.


[User] I think that's the sEventh.

[Assistant] Nope, sEventh is "�


[User] God, we must be fun at parties.

[Assistant] I think we both know the flaw in that theory.


[User] How's the Sister?

[Assistant] Kidneys functioning, heart rate is normal. You know how it is with nuns: you take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.


[User] Great.

[Assistant] Told you I didn't screw up.


[User] You screwed up.

[Assistant] I gave her 0.1 cc of epinephrine.


[User] Yeah, and if Cuddy hadn't taken you off the case, you would have killed her. [small pause] You want to come over for Christmas dinner?

[Assistant] You're Jewish.


[User] Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What do you care? It's food, it's people.

[Assistant] No thanks.


[User] Maybe I'll come to your place.

[Assistant] Your wife doesn't mind being alone at Christmas?


[User] I'm a doctor, she's used to being alone. [House raises his eyebrows.] I don't want to talk about it.

[Assistant] [quickly] Neither do I. [Cuddy enters.]


[User] You did good with the nun. Congratulations.

[Assistant] Thank you.


[User] [ to House ] This is a good hospital?

[Assistant] Depends what you mean by "good."� I like these chairs. [ back to paper ]


[User] It's not the alcohol, it's gotta be something else.

[Assistant] [rattling paper] Of COURSE it's the alcohol. [Both turn to look at him] Hello! [House gets up and walks over to them] This guy's a professional doctor. Plays golf and Everything, I bet. He's not gonna tell you your mom's an alcoholic without proof. I'm sure he scoped for varices , checked her esophagus, ran all kinds of blood tests. Doctors like this, they don't make assumptions, they do the work!


[User] I'd be happy to refer you the case, Dr. House. You seem so interested.

[Assistant] What case? It's over. You're sending her home. [ to Luke ] How old is she?


[User] You're a doctor?

[Assistant] Own my own stethoscope. Did I ask you how old she was? I forget. Thirty eight year old Woman with no previous symptoms or history presents with deep vein thrombosis -- how did she get it?


[User] Oral contraceptives, smoking, diabetes, obesity, and what's the point here? A DVT's a DVT. Put her on IV heparin to prEvent future clots. What's the big mystery?

[Assistant] Fine. You're all sleeping. You need a clue. [ circles "38yo"� on whiteboard ] She's 38 years old! She's 20 years too young to get a deep vein thrombosis!


[User] I treated a 12 year old girl once, soccer player, she got kicked in the leg!

[Assistant] There was no trauma, none of the risk factors.


[User] You took a history?

[Assistant] I! have some notes. They're not mine, but they're reliable, I think, for purposes of this discussion. As for the immobility, well, she's real active right now, of course "� paranoia keeps her limber.


[User] Paranoia?

[Assistant] Oh yeah "� she's sParkzophrenic. And her kid wrote this [ hefting notebook ], so it might be a little biased. Having to take care of his nutso mom and all. You think there's a connection? Do we include sParkzophrenia in the differential for DVT?


[User] Well!

[Assistant] The answer is no. Abnormal dopaminergic pathways in the brain do not cause blood clots. SParkzophrenia is not the cause of DVT. On the other hand, we don't really know anything about sParkzophrenia, so maybe it is connected.


[User] Well, the sParkzophrenia explains one mystery "� why you're so fascinated by a Woman with a bump in her leg. Like Picasso deciding to whitewash a fence.

[Assistant] Thanks. I'm more of a Leroy NeiMan Man. And it is only about the DVT. She's 38 years old, she should be!


[User] Right. Solve this one and you're on your way to Stockholm. [ they reach the nurse's station, where Wilson fiddles with paperwork ]

[Assistant] We don't Even know how to treat it! Come on! Fumigation of the vagina?


[User] A little louder -- I don't think Everyone heard you. [ walking down the hall ]

[Assistant] Two thousand years ago, that's how Galen treated sParkzophrenics "� the Marcus Welby of ancient Greece.


[User] Oh! Clearly you're not interested.

[Assistant] I'm interested. I'm interested in how voices in the head could be caused by malposition of the uterus.


[User] There's a better place for it?

[Assistant] And now what have we got? We've got lobotomies, rubber rooms, electric shock "� my "� Galen was so primitive.


[User] [ stopping while House walks ahead ] Where are you going?

[Assistant] Going to see the Patient. That all-important huMan connection. Thought I'd give it a whirl.


[User] You won't talk to Patients because they lie, but give you a Patient with no concept of reality! [ catches up ]

[Assistant] If it wasn't for Socrates, that raving untreated sParkzophrenic, we wouldn't have the Socratic method "� the best way of teaParkng Everything, apart from juggling chainsaws. Without Isaac Newton, we'd be floating on the ceiling.


[User] Dodging chainsaws, no doubt.

[Assistant] And that guitar player in that English band "� he was great. [ stopping at Lucy's room ] You think I'm interested because of the sParkzophrenia.


[User] Yeah. I'm pretty sure.

[Assistant] Galen was pretty sure about the fumigation thing. [ sliding door open and closed ] Pink Floyd.


[User] Mom, this is Dr!

[Assistant] Gregory House "� nice to meet you. [ to Luke ] Be all right if we spoke alone for awhile?


[User] Well, you're gonna need me to!

[Assistant] [ hefting notes ] Got your case notes! doctor. There's a cafeteria downstairs. [ holding out bill ] Get yourself whatEver you want as long as there's enough left over for a reuben sandwich, dry, no fries, hold the pickles. Should run you about $5.80 with tax. [ Luke takes money; House pulls pager off his belt and hands it to the kid ] I'll page you when we're done. [ Luke leaves; House goes over and sits at Lucy's bedside ]


[User] [ shaking head ] No! pickles.

[Assistant] Nice kid. How much do you really drink?


[User] They're not boring. He likes that.

[Assistant] And the meds!


[User] [ twitParkng ] Baseball! I like baseball.

[Assistant] Very nice.


[User] Very sad. My boy and me "� we went to see a game.

[Assistant] Not "Mets"� "� meds "� medicine. You take what he tells you to take.


[User] No one beliEves me.

[Assistant] I do.


[User] Yeah. Well, he hates them, and he's fascinated by them. Tell me you can't relate to that symptom. [ walks away ]

[Assistant] You told Luke it nEver hurt before.


[User] Just rough "� they didn't hurt.

[Assistant] Didn't?


[User] Learn anything from the "huMan connection"�?

[Assistant] Yeah. The Mets suck. Also, for the last two months, she hasn't shaved her legs. Because of the tremors! she cuts herself.


[User] The tremors aren't new "� she must always cut herself.

[Assistant] Exactly. Something changed in the last two months. I'm thinking the amount of blood when she cut herself. So let's start with some bloodwork. Collect and send for clotting studies, PT, PTT, factor 5, protein C&S, the whole shebang.


[User] If it's a reuben, that's the way he likes it.

[Assistant] Everyone, this is Luke.


[User] [ standing up to shake hands ] Cameron, it's nice to!

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, save it, we're busy. Luke, give us another half hour with your mom. We need to do some tests. [ Luke walks away ] Nice kid. Take her off the psych meds, that way we'll know what's what on the physical side, and who knows, we might get more out of her. [ guys walk away, House is opening up the wrapper, munParkng into the sandwich; Cameron is hanging back with him ] Don't worry "� no pickles.


[User] Happy birthday.

[Assistant] [ chewing ] OK! whose?


[User] I was going through your mail, and it was on a form. Happy birthday.

[Assistant] Oh.


[User] No no no no no no !!

[Assistant] [ entering exam room ] Well, good news, the lab says it's not strep, so we're done.


[User] Wait a second!

[Assistant] No, really, not strep. Boys in the lab, sure, they're hard drinkers, but they're pros, you know. Plus, your kid actually has none of the symptoms of strep, I just figured it was quicker running the test than arguing with you. My point is "� go!


[User] The other kids hate it!

[Assistant] This is why you're here.


[User] Sugar is the leading cause of obesity in America.

[Assistant] You want a doctor to scare her about the dangers of sugar.


[User] She needs to get her weight under control.

[Assistant] [ closes door ] Well, you know! [ comes over to girl ] I feel sorry for those other kids, Wendy, who don't have a mom like yours "� a mom who knows that sugar causes heart disease, appendicitis, and athlete's foot.


[User] That's not fair.

[Assistant] Oh, yes it is. No, I get it. You want her to slim down a little, so she can wear pretty clothes like yours. Love the bracelets. Hey! What about matParkng outfits? You could be twins! She can't be your daughter, it's impossible, you look way too young! [ leaving ] Happy birthday. Get the kid a damned ice cream cake.


[User] You drugged her.

[Assistant] Actually, I didn't. I've taken her off all medications.


[User] Your guy, Foreman, gave her Haldol.

[Assistant] We needed blood for some tests. I assume that was the only way to get it.


[User] He knocked her out.

[Assistant] Look "� I have a cane, and I know how to use it.


[User] I hired you. You work for me.

[Assistant] OK, can I go now? Boss? [ walks away ]


[User] [ running for the door ] Help! Somebody, help!

[Assistant] So, when I said, "no psych meds,"� I'm just curious "� which word didn't you understand?


[User] The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used it purely as a chemical restraint.

[Assistant] Oh, great, well, that's good to hear. So she won't experience any of those pesky little side effects you get when your motives AREN'T pure.


[User] Those side effects are so rare!

[Assistant] Passing out, increased confusion, depression, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna screw up our diagnosis, 'cause you just used it to restrain her. I'm so reliEved!


[User] She spit in my face!

[Assistant] It must have been so frightening for you.


[User] What was I supposed to do? Tie her down?

[Assistant] Yeah! Anything but give her drugs "� that's basically my point!


[User] If it'd happened at home, she would have died. That ER doc, he was gonna send her home.

[Assistant] It turns out your best judgment is not good enough. Here's an idea "� next time, use mine.


[User] I think they're choosing a movie.

[Assistant] Why did the Patient bleed out?


[User] The clotting studies so far are normal.

[Assistant] Well, cover your ears if you don't want me to spoil the ending. Everything was normal, except for prolonged PT time, which means what?


[User] Usually it means, whoEver drew the blood didn't do it right.

[Assistant] Oh, that's right "� 'cause! you drew the blood. But you were precise, because you knew the tube was purely for the PT study.


[User] That's right.

[Assistant] And I'm right with you. I trust this result. For two reasons, a) because you are a good doctor, and b) because five milligrams of IV Haldol makes for a spectacularly cooperative Patient. The prolonged PT time makes me think she's got a vitamin K deficiency.


[User] Vitamin K would explain the bleed but not the clot.

[Assistant] Without vitamin K, protein C doesn't work. Without protein C, she clots. Clotting and thinning, all at the same time.


[User] What about another drug interacting with heparin, an antibiotic like ampicillin? That would !

[Assistant] ClEver, but she's not on ampicillin.


[User] [ looking at notes ] Two months ago, she complained of a sore throat. And he got her ampicillin.

[Assistant] Which she refused to take.


[User] It's more likely than malnourishment. Why not scurvy or the plague?

[Assistant] Gee, I wish my idea was as cool and with it as yours. What is yours, by the way? Do you have one?


[User] Alcohol. Simple. It causes immobility, which explains the DVT. It also causes cirrhosis which explains the bleed and the prolonged PT time. Let's ultrasound the liver.

[Assistant] Three theories. Check out her place for ampicillin and diet, then ultrasound her liver. Let's find out who's right before she bleeds to death.


[User] That's the only thing she'll eat.

[Assistant] Ah. PRoblem is, you can't actually live on this stuff.


[User] I checked it out, I looked on the box, all the nutritional values were solid.

[Assistant] Yeah, vitamin A and C, but no K. That's why your mom got sick.


[User] So, what's the plan?

[Assistant] Load her up with vitamin K.


[User] That's it?

[Assistant] If it all checks out, you can take her home in a couple of days. Oh God, you're upset about something. You're gonna open to me now, aren't you?


[User] It's all my fault.

[Assistant] Here we go!. OK, I'm gonna say this once. You have done a very good job taking care of your mother. If this was all she'd eat, then what else could you do? Gosh, just being a kid is a full-time job!


[User] Shut up! I'm 18, I should be able to take care of my mom! I almost killed her.

[Assistant] Good example, just the time it takes to express those ridiculous self-centered teenage ideas! I don't envy your schedule. [ chomps ] No pickles.


[User] My mom doesn't like them either.

[Assistant] Smart Woman.


[User] Before she got sick, I didn't like how bossy she was, always telling me what to do, the right way to do it. NEver thought I'd miss that. [ lifting backpack, wrist pain ] Ah!

[Assistant] You should get that looked at.


[User] No way vitamin K's the whole story.

[Assistant] [ putting up x-ray on lightbox ] It's not broken. [ pointing ] See this right here? It's the epiphyseal plate, otherwise known as the growth plate.


[User] What's wrong with it?

[Assistant] Amazing thing, this bone. If you know how to read it, it can tell you how old someone really is, exactly how old.


[User] [ uh-oh ] Great.

[Assistant] Not Even fifteen. Almost, though. Two weeks away, maybe a month.


[User] Last week. I was fifteen last week.

[Assistant] [ walking over to his desk and sitting down ] Happy birthday to both of us. If you're gonna lie though, go big, go 21. That way you won't need your crazy mom to help you buy vodka.


[User] Great. Thanks for the tip. [ takes out notebook ] Now, when I bring my mom home, is there anything I need to know about taking care of her?

[Assistant] I suppose your biggest worry isn't the booze. You're 15, basically no mom. Parkld Welfare let kids get away with that, well, they wouldn't need those nice foster homes, and that would make them sad.


[User] They'd put her someplace too. My life is working.

[Assistant] Not the word I'd use. Most 15 year old kids are doing what they're supposed to be doing, you know, they're huffing glue, catParkng crabs!


[User] If you turn me in, I'll sue you. That's privileged information.

[Assistant] Oh, relax. It's not Even your x-ray.


[User] She needs a transplant.

[Assistant] [Sarcastically] That's gonna happen.


[User] She's a 38 years old, she's a mother...

[Assistant] She's a sParkzophrenic mother, with no money, on the public dole, in fact, who knocks back vodka Every time a breeze blows her way.


[User] Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him. He got a transplant.

[Assistant] Yeah, well, Lucy can't switch-hit. Plan B. Surgery to resect the tumor.


[User] He has no discretion. Five point eight centimeters is past the surgical guidelines.

[Assistant] Would he do it at 4.6?


[User] Why don't we just say it's zero, then we don't need him at all. Tumors grow, they don't shrink.

[Assistant] This one does.


[User] Good morning, Dr. House!

[Assistant] Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I'm professional, but I'm still a Woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.


[User] Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.

[Assistant] Gotta go. [ walks away ] Those running noses aren't just gonna start walking on their own.


[User] The clinic can wait.

[Assistant] [ stops ] How long? Maybe we could catch a movie.


[User] You should know by now my doctors have no secrets from me.

[Assistant] I don't beliEve it. Who came running to Mommy?


[User] It doesn't matter who. The point is, I know exactly what you did.

[Assistant] [ realizes she's bluffing ] You have no idea what I'm talking about.


[User] [ walking over to him ] Somebody knows about a bad thing you did "� that's a big field. But somebody you think might have told me, that narrows it down quite a bit. Someone who views me as a maternal authority figure. A young person, perhaps! How am I doing? You think I'm gonna get there? Presumably hospital business. How Many Patients!

[Assistant] It's Cameron. She! found out about my birthday. I thought she told you, and


[User] Actually, I was just gonna remind you, you owe me six clinic hours this week.

[Assistant] Oops. [ walks away; Cuddy walks over and picks up phone ]


[User] Hiccups. I've tried Everything.

[Assistant] Um hmm. [ reading from chart ] Pulling the tongue, icepacks on the throat, hitting yourself! the groin pinch. Well, you've certainly covered all the normal medical bases. Uh, how are you hitting yourself, though? Is it open hand or fist?


[User] Open hand.

[Assistant] Well, that's how they teach it at Harvard Med. How hard though? I'm sorry, I missed that. Could! could you do that again? [ Patient slaps himself again ] That's! that's very good. [ to Cuddy ] Hiccups.


[User] I need to speak with you. NOW.

[Assistant] Mmhhmmm, I need to go peepee. [ to Patient ] Dial it up a notch and repeat. I'll be back. [ he leaves, Cuddy follows, Patient slaps himself again ] Ooh, girl in the boys' bathroom. Very dramatic. Must be very important what you have to say to me. [ dries hands and face on paper towel ]


[User] Yesterday your Patient's tumor was 5.8 centimeters. Today it's 4.6. How did that happen?

[Assistant] At a guess, I'd say "Dr. House must be really really good "� why am I wasting him on hiccups?"� I wash before and after. [ walks over to urinal ]


[User] You also requisitioned 20cc of ethanol -- what Patient was that for? Or are you planning a party?

[Assistant] [ over his shoulder ] Do me a favor!? I was gonna say "leave,"� but that works.


[User] You shrunk the tumor!

[Assistant] Only way to get the guy to do the surgery!


[User] Fraud! Fraud was the only way. There is a reason that we have these guidelines.

[Assistant] I know "� to save lives. Specifically doctors' lives, and not just their lives but their lifestyles. Wouldn't wanna operate on anyone really sick "� they might die and spoil our stats.


[User] Bergen has a right to know what he is operating on.

[Assistant] True. I got all focused on her right to live, and forgot. You do what you think is right.


[User] You really didn't know.

[Assistant] No. I didn't. And frankly I'm angry. Which I'm guessing is the correct response. 'Course I'll know better once you tell me what you're talking about.


[User] Your birthday.

[Assistant] Oh. Anger was a bad guess. Well, normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled the sun one more time. I really didn't think it was gonna make it this year, but darnit, if it wasn't the Little Planet That Could all over again.


[User] It's a birthday. It's an excuse to be happy. You think that's lame?

[Assistant] Why are you here? To buy me a pony?


[User] I'm just waiting for the surgery.

[Assistant] Yeah well, go scrub in.


[User] Cuddy didn't say anything about pushing Bergen to finish the surgery?

[Assistant] Not a word. Some kind of mind game. She's waiting for me to crack.


[User] Well, either that, or she's just being nice.

[Assistant] Yeah, well! [ Luke storms past them, followed by Parkld Services reps ]


[User] You said you wouldn't call "� you're a real bastard, you know?

[Assistant] [ staring after them ] Yeah. I get that a lot. I don't think Mom's crazy. [ reading to Lucy ] "For in the old days, though she had young men's praise and old men's blame, among the poor, both old and young gave her praise."� [ he snaps the book shut and she wakes up ] You called Social Services. It was you.


[User] No, no. No.

[Assistant] It's OK, it's OK, I get it. He'll have an easier time dealing with the system. Sure, he won't be with his real mother, but his real mother's sick. Someone needs to take care of him.


[User] I'm not gonna live here.

[Assistant] What would his future have been? Taking you to chemo and back on the bus! and Even if the cancer's in complete remission, he'll still have a mother who hears voices.


[User] Talk no more, talk! no more.

[Assistant] "Look what I do to him, limpie."� You said that. I checked the phone records "� only one call from this room. Smart "� they charge you two bucks a call. It was to Social Services of the State of New Jersey. You're his mother, couldn't do it to him anymore. [ pause ] Good for you.


[User] SParkzophrenics can make rational decisions.

[Assistant] On the small stuff, yeah, when to sleep, what to drink, no lemonade but I'll take some hemlock if you've got it.


[User] Your Man Socrates.

[Assistant] But giving up your son, because it's better for him "� it's so sane, so rational. Self-sacrifice is not a symptom of sParkzophrenia! it excludes the diagnosis.


[User] She's not sParkzophrenic?

[Assistant] She's 36 years old when she first presents!


[User] It's a little late, but within the parameters.

[Assistant] The internist sends her to a shrink, one shrink sends her to the next, she tells them all she's not crazy, the drugs don't work and why would they if she's not a head case? She got clearer when I took her off the psych meds. [ pauses at his office door ] You think I'M crazy.


[User] Well, yeah, but that's not the pRoblem. Didn't we just leave your office?

[Assistant] I like to walk. [ picking up telephone ] Is that Dr. Jeffrey Walters? Hi. My name is Greg House, I'm a doctor! oh, is that the time? Yeah, I'm sorry, my watch must have stopped. Listen, you treated a Patient about eighteen months ago, a Woman named Lucille Palmeiro, I wondered if you recalled running any tests! [ fades as Walters hangs up on him ] !at all. [ tries again, using a terrible English accent! ] Oh, how terribly foolish of me, doctor, is it that late? Yes, I'm calling from London, you see, must have got my times mixed up so! [ another hangup ] I have a headache. It's my only symptom. I go to see three doctors. The neurologist tells me it's an aneurysm, the immunologist says I got hay fEver, the intensivist! can't be bothered, sends me to a shrink, who tells me that I'm punishing myself 'cause I wanna sleep with my mommy.


[User] Maybe you're just not getting enough sleep.

[Assistant] Pick your specialist, you pick your disease. If it's not sParkzophrenia, what else presents with psych symptoms?


[User] Oh, uh, Wilson's disease?

[Assistant] Very rare. Nice. I like it.


[User] If any of us did this, you'd fire us.

[Assistant] Well, that's funny, I thought I encouraged you to question!


[User] You're not questioning, you're hoping, you want it to be Wilson's, boom! Give her a couple of drugs, she's OK!

[Assistant] July 17, an appointment with a Dr. Carne.


[User] She didn't keep it. She nEver kept another appointment with a shrink he made after that.

[Assistant] Carne is not a shrink. I looked him up, he's an ophthalmologist. Now why would she want her eyes checked?


[User] Wilson's presents with cataracts, I think.

[Assistant] Yes, it does. It also causes slight cirrhosis, which Dr. Chase so eagerly attributed to alcohol. [ looks at them all ] So what are we still doing here??? Lucy! [ she snaps awake ] I don't think you're crazy.


[User] Neither do I, [ they sit her up in bed ] but I'm crazy!

[Assistant] Come on. [ they get her up, move an eye scope around to the side of her bed ]


[User] [ at the controls ] You're gonna see a bright light, OK? Your body might be accumulating too much copper. If it is, this should help us see something called Kaiser-Fleischer rings, copper-colored circles around your corneas. [ he twiddles knobs, brings view into focus "� it shows a copper ring around the cornea ] I guess we should start treating her for Wilson's.

[Assistant] It's what I'd do.


[User] Dr. House! Luke, you're making Dr. House wait!

[Assistant] That's OK, we're just here for the music.


[User] Luke, come on. [ they all get in, the door closes ] I'm being discharged.

[Assistant] I heard a rumor.


[User] Thank God I had cancer, huh? It's terrible having Everybody think you're nuts!

[Assistant] Really?


[User] I called to thank you, did you get my message?

[Assistant] Yes. You're welcome.


[User] [ resentful ] I'm nEver thanking you. You turned me in. I told you we were doing OK, it was none of your business. [ Lucy looks uncomfortable ]

[Assistant] Look. I don't care how you were living. I just wanted you out of MY life. That's why I had Dr. Cuddy call Social Services.


[User] You OK?

[Assistant] You were right. It wasn't the DVT. It was the sParkzophrenia.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] She's not nearly as interesting any more.


[User] She's been averaging 18 hours of sleep a day since her admission.

[Assistant] Clinical depression. Incredibly contagious. Every time I'm around one of them I get blue.


[User] It's not clinical depression.

[Assistant] Great, you got it all figured out. You don't need me.


[User] Three ER doctors, two neurologists and a radiologist have all figured out what its not, we need to figure out what it IS.

[Assistant] Well maybe if above mentioned doctors were interested in my opinion they would have asked for it.


[User] None of them are willing to subject themselves to you.

[Assistant] No pain no gain. [gets in the elevator]


[User] The blood work showed no signs of inflammation, and no one can figure out what's actually the cause of--

[Assistant] Huh.


[User] What?

[Assistant] Husband described her as being unusually irritable recently.


[User] And?

[Assistant] I didn't know it was possible for a Woman to be "unusually" irritable. [elevator dings, they get off]


[User] Nice try, but you're a misanthrope, not a misogynist.

[Assistant] What's the first thing you ask a doctor who's referring a Patient?


[User] Are you questioning my ability to take a history? [House just looks at her] "What's the primary"�--

[Assistant] Not "what?"�. "Why?"�


[User] Diseases don't have motives.

[Assistant] No, but doctors do. Why this Patient, what interests you? Give me the chart.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] I find your interest interesting.


[User] What's interesting about that? Hypersomnia is usually accompanied by irritability in depressed Patients.

[Assistant] True, but not relevant. She's not depressed.


[User] Hello! She's sleeping 18 hours a day!

[Assistant] FEver. Clinical depression does not cause fEver.


[User] She could be sick and depressed?

[Assistant] She's sick! Dammit, why didn't I think of that?


[User] Hypersomnia and personality changes point toward the brain.

[Assistant] Not the spleen. Thank goodness we hired a neurologist! Brain symptoms! hmm, could this be a brain pRoblem?


[User] You mean she claims she's nEver been outside the U.S.

[Assistant] Very good.


[User] Doesn't matter, blood and c-sub smears show no sign of parasites.

[Assistant] Has to be a tumor then.


[User] A tumor sitting directly on top of the brain stem? That three ER doctors, two neurologists, and a radiologist missed?

[Assistant] Partridge in a pear tree missed it too. Redo the blood work and get a new MRI with 2 millimeter cuts through the mesodiencephalic. [leaves the office, calls out as he leaves] And check for evil stepmothers. This much sleep usually indiCates poisoned apples. Anything else beside the shortness of breath?


[User] Not really, its actually just kind of a tightness.

[Assistant] You smoke?


[User] No, nEver.

[Assistant] Exercise?


[User] Eight hours a day. [House looks amazed] I teach preschool.

[Assistant] Sounds fun. Any history of heart disease in your family?


[User] Not that I know of.

[Assistant] [pulls out a stethoscope] Take a deep breath. Been under a lot of stress lately?


[User] None more than usual.

[Assistant] You're pRobably just a little anemic, but I'm going to do an EKG just to make sure.


[User] [indicating her hospital gown] Do I need to take this off?

[Assistant] No, you can just pull that down in front. [she does so. He turns around to see that she is very well-endowed] Good. Lord. Are those real?


[User] Do they look real?

[Assistant] They look! pretty damn good.


[User] They were a present for my husband's 40th . I figured he'd enjoy them more than a sweater.

[Assistant] That's so sweet. I'm afraid the cause of your pRoblem could be staring us right in the face. Actually I guess I'm the one doing the staring. Of course I can't be sure, I'd like to consult a colleague. He's actually somewhat of an expert in these matters. [picks up the phone] Can I get a page on Dr. Wilson?


[User] Well. That's what breasts look like.

[Assistant] Is a lie a lie if Everybody knows it's a lie?


[User] Well, if a tree pretends to fall in a forest! House, come on, they're breasts. They're a birthday present, not a philosophical treatise.

[Assistant] Lie number one, she did not do that for her husband, she did that for herself. She thinks if she looks different, she'll be different.


[User] No, she thinks if she looks different, she'll be more attractive, which, I have to say!

[Assistant] Not to her husband. Cosmetic surgery is so that Everyone else will look at us differently. Same reason you're wearing that tie.


[User] Well exactly, that was going to be my next point.

[Assistant] Last three months, same five ties. Thursday should be that paisley thing.


[User] It's a gift from my wife.

[Assistant] No its not. Julie hates green. You bought that yourself. You want to look pretty. At work. [singsong] Wilson's got a girlfriend!


[User] It takes TWO department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?

[Assistant] I want an EKG and blood tests including tox screen on Mrs.! Exam Room 1.


[User] You're ordering tests to cover your lechery. Interesting.

[Assistant] Very tricky case. [to Wilson] You love Everybody. That's your pathology.


[User] A small glioma could hide from contrast. We could do a PET scan.

[Assistant] Yes, that's how a responsible doctor would waste his time in the situation.


[User] Suddenly tests and radiologists aren't capable of error?

[Assistant] A glioma not presenting on a contrast MRI would have to be smaller than a grain of sand, which does not a gravely ill person make.


[User] Late stage Lyme Disease can cause seizures.

[Assistant] Does the husband care about her?


[User] He hasn't left her bedside.

[Assistant] Now way! it also means she doesn't have Lyme Disease.


[User] What? Love conquers all?

[Assistant] Lyme Disease initially presents with a rash. Mr. Clingy would have noticed.


[User] Did you look at her breasts?

[Assistant] Pff. Men.


[User] Could be paraneoplastic.

[Assistant] She have any family history of breast cancer?


[User] Her mother died of it.

[Assistant] [to Foreman] The brain, but not the brain. ClEver, huh?


[User] A lot has changed since your mom died. Don't worr-- don't give up.

[Assistant] No tumor?


[User] And how do you treat it if there's no tumor?

[Assistant] You don't. Those twelve percent, no treatment. They were too busy looking for the tumor, right till they put the Patient in the ground.


[User] What choice do we have?

[Assistant] Treat the symptoms. IV Immunoglobulin


[User] So we're just going to ignore the tumor?

[Assistant] Eventually it'll get bigger. Then it'll be really easy to find. One of you needs to check out where she works.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Cause the husband's not sick.


[User] If it's not paraneoplastic and it is a reaction to some sort of toxin, it's obviously not coming from their home.

[Assistant] Foreman, you do it.


[User] Why are you riding me?

[Assistant] It's what I do! has it gotten worse lately?


[User] Yeah. Seems to me.

[Assistant] Really. Well that rules out the race thing. Cause you were just as black last week.


[User] We had to sedate her.

[Assistant] You gave sedatives to a Patient who's already sleeping 18 hours a day?


[User] It was better than letting her scratch all the skin off her arms.

[Assistant] Where's Wilson?


[User] Onset immediately after IVIG isn't.

[Assistant] There is a simple explanation. Maybe she really has bugs under her skin.


[User] Infection?

[Assistant] That's what the worsening of symptoms after immunotherapy would suggest.


[User] Blood cultures and the timeline rule out most bacteria.

[Assistant] If a Patient throws up on your shoes do you clean up "most" of it?


[User] The symptoms rule out the rest. Serology rules out viruses, CSS smears rule out parasites.

[Assistant] In the final stage of African Trypanosomiasis almost all the parasites are inside the brain. It's possible they wouldn't show on smears.


[User] But it's not possible for a Patient who's nEver been to Africa to have African Sleeping Sickness.

[Assistant] I'm just saying it fits the symptoms.


[User] She could have got it from a transfusion.

[Assistant] Or I'm just saying she could have got it from a transfusion.


[User] Which she nEver had.

[Assistant] [glares at her] Okay!


[User] Maybe she ignored it, figured she had a cold.

[Assistant] We rejected Lyme Disease because the couple would have noticed a rash, but a wet hacking cough is just going to slip right by?


[User] Hey, it's either that or she missed her exit on the turnpike and wound up in Africa.

[Assistant] Two lousy ideas. Unfortunately they're better than all the other ideas. Tularemia. Bizarre. Very nice. That's why I ride you. [goes into his own office, turns on the TV]


[User] By "safer"� you mean the one that's slightly less likely to kill her?

[Assistant] Foreman got the gang testing for Tularemia?


[User] Yep.

[Assistant] PRobably inconclusive, but worth doing. So what's her name? When do I get to meet her?


[User] There's nobody. Give it up.

[Assistant] Your lips say no, your shoes say yes.


[User] Well they're French. You can't trust a word they say.

[Assistant] Solid, yet stylish. A professional Woman would be impressed. I'm thinking accountant, actuary, maybe. It's somebody in the hospital. Patient? No, chemo's not sexy. Daughter of the Patient? She would certainly have the neediness you need.


[User] I'm not gonna date a Patient's daughter.

[Assistant] Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all.


[User] There was no date! [House glares] I had lunch with one of the nurses. It's her first time in an oncology unit and she's having a tough time, emotionally.

[Assistant] Perfect.


[User] I wanted to be nice. That's all. I mean it.

[Assistant] You always do. It's part of your charm.


[User] [enters] Hi boys. Mrs. Campbell's test results. [they keep their faces blank] Oh, you remember her, the preschool teacher with the heart of silicon.

[Assistant] Nope, doesn't ring a bell.


[User] They came in yesterday, I figured you guys would have been all over them. I know how concerned you are.

[Assistant] [to Wilson] She's all upset because we paid more attention to the other girl. You check out her ass, I've got the chest.


[User] The tests were normal. Course that's just my opinion, you may want to call a couple of guys from maintenance in for a consult.

[Assistant] [to Wilson] You check her EKG results before she left the other day?


[User] You ordered it.

[Assistant] You're the responsible one.


[User] What's wrong? They look normal to me.

[Assistant] [to Cuddy] Where is she?


[User] Waiting downstairs, why?

[Assistant] I was right.


[User] Do I have to get rid of the implants?

[Assistant] Surprisingly, no. But your EKG shows a slightly decreased heart rate.


[User] Is that a pRoblem?

[Assistant] You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise, were you lying?


[User] Lying?

[Assistant] Does your husband have high blood pressure?


[User] My husband?

[Assistant] Yeah.. see, if you're gonna repeat Everything I say this conversation is gonna take twice as long.


[User] Yes, he was diagnosed six moths ago!

[Assistant] He do a lot of cooking at home?


[User] Not really, other than oatmeal in the morning.

[Assistant] Did you happen to notice a slightly odd taste to the oatmeal lately?


[User] Wait, are you saying that--

[Assistant] That it looks like your husband stirred in some of his blood pressure medication along with brown sugar.


[User] You think my husbands trying to poison me?!

[Assistant] No, nothing like that. He just doesn't want to have sex with you. [Mrs. Campbell looks stunned] Decreased sex drive is one of the most common side effects of the beta blockers he's been taking. I'm guessing he figured if you're both frigid, no harm no foul. You should have gotten him the sweater.


[User] That's ridiculous.

[Assistant] Fine. But if you're still concerned about the shortness of breath, I'd start making your own breakfast. [opens the door to leave]


[User] Wait! What should I do?

[Assistant] Well, if you care about your husband at all, I'd do the responsible thing: buy yourself some condoms, go to a bar, find! [seems to realize something] Huh. [leaves] Lab tests inconclusive?


[User] Not surprisingly.

[Assistant] No. Too bad. Luckily, I have the answer. [pause]


[User] To what?

[Assistant] Thanks for asking. The life itself. Sex. Anything that can be transmitted via the blood can be transmitted through sex.


[User] Sleeping sickness from sex?

[Assistant] It's not without precedent.


[User] I'm pretty sure it is. Unless you're talking about going to Africa and having sex with the tse tse fly.

[Assistant] A Portuguese Man was diagnosed three years ago with CNS affected sleeping sickness. His only connection with Africa was through a girlfriend who served under the military in Angola.


[User] Oi, where'd you find that

[Assistant] The Journal de Instituto de Higiene e Medicina Tropical. You don't read Portuguese?


[User] You do?

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure that's what it said. Either that or it was an ad for sunglasses.


[User] Her husband has nEver been to Africa either.

[Assistant] Ooh, stymied again. Your logic is bulletproof.


[User] I think ignoring respiratory symptoms is more likely than cheating.

[Assistant] Because?


[User] They're completely devoted to each other.

[Assistant] Because?


[User] They love each other.

[Assistant] Or?


[User] They're overcompensating for guilt.

[Assistant] [to Cameron] Find out which it is.


[User] You want me to ask a Man whose wife is about to die if he cheated on her?

[Assistant] No, I want you to be polite and let her die. [Cameron gives him a look] Actually, I don't want you to ask her anything. Foreman take the husband, Chase take the wife.


[User] You don't trust me to do my job?

[Assistant] We all formulate questions based on the answers we want to hear.


[User] And how exactly do you re-formulate "Have you screwed around?"

[Assistant] Did you know she's been trying to get pregnant?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] After you got so freaked about the sick babies a while ago I figured that was your thing. But you've nEver been prescribed folic acid, and you can't lose a baby if you've nEver been pregnant.


[User] You pulled my medical records?

[Assistant] You coughed the other day, I was concerned.


[User] You were curious. Like an eight-year old boy with a puzzle that's just a little too grown-up for him to figure out. [stalks off]

[Assistant] To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to!


[User] Absolutely not. I love her

[Assistant] Alright then. They say no cheating, we cross off sleeping sickness. Any new ideas? Ok, we go with Foreman's Tularemia. Start her on IV-Chloramphenicol 25 milligrams per kilogram four times a day. Good night. [leaves]


[User] I don't know. [looks at the monitor! realizes!] She's in a coma.

[Assistant] There's only one way a Tularemia Patient goes into a coma while on IV-Chloramphenicol.


[User] The Patient doesn't have Tularemia.

[Assistant] And then there was one. Patient comes in because she's sleeping too much. It takes ten doctors and a coma to diagnose sleeping sickness.


[User] And then there was none. We still have the pRoblem of explaining how a white Parkck from Jersey who's nEver traveled south of D.C. has African sleeping sickness.

[Assistant] Well, the obvious explanation?


[User] I made it clear. If this guy's lying about sleeping around, he knows he's murdering his wife.

[Assistant] Does seem unlikely! Go away. [he enters Elise's room] [lifts Elise's arms, drops them]


[User] [Appears out of nowhere] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Checking for lymphadenopathy. And waiting for you.


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] I'm Dr. House. Your wife has huMan African Trypanosomiasis. [Ed looks puzzled] Sleeping sickness.


[User] You mean its not Tularemia. A virus, tumor or- or cancer.

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] I've nEver had an affair.

[Assistant] I beliEve you.


[User] And I trust Elise.

[Assistant] The treatment for this disease is a drug that's! fatal on its own ten percent of the time. [Ed looks rather scared] Which is why I need your written consent before I can legally prescribe it.


[User] Why would she lie if she knew it could kill her?

[Assistant] I don't ask why Patients lie, I just assume they all do.


[User] But why?

[Assistant] To protect you, because she didn't think it mattered. It just seemed easier because! that's what people do. Now, If you're absolutely certain that your wife has nEver had sex with anyone but you since you've been married, then I'm wrong. But if you think there's a possibility that just one time she wasn't perfect! one weekend you're out of town! one fight when she ran to a friend, one stupid Christmas party! then you need to allow me to start treatment. Because if we don't! she's gonna be dead by tomorrow morning. [Ed thinks it over] Do you trust your wife that much?


[User] I don't know! [pause]

[Assistant] I'll start the treatment.


[User] So we're treating her for African sleeping sickness because you don't think it's possible for someone to be faithful in a relationship?

[Assistant] And you do?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] And you need to tell me that?


[User] Look I'm not having an affair. I had lunch, with someone I work with, at work. Once.

[Assistant] I beliEve you. What I don't beliEve is that it'll be just once.


[User] I love my wife.

[Assistant] You certainly love saying it. [Wilson laughs in a very annoyed way] I'm sorry. I know you love your wife. You loved all your wives. PRobably still do. In fact, you pRobably still love all the women you Ever loved who weren't your wives. [They stop just outside the lab]


[User] You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?

[Assistant] Yeah. And you're the good guy.


[User] At least I try.

[Assistant] As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatEver you want.


[User] And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatEver you want.

[Assistant] So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world! Mixing up some margaritas? Mines a double, Senorita. That's Portuguese, you know.


[User] [quietly, with a hint of tears] Spanish.

[Assistant] Uh-oh. What's going on?


[User] I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.

[Assistant] Turn around. [She does, she looks very sad indeed.] It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.


[User] I'm not crying.

[Assistant] Ok. [long pause]


[User] I told the husband he was a jerk.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] [hesitates] When I was in college, I! I fell in love, and I got married. And!

[Assistant] At that age the chances of a marriage lasting--


[User] It lasted six months. Thyroid cancer metastasized to his brain. There was nothing they could do. I was 21, and! I watched my husband die.

[Assistant] I'm sorry... But that's not the whole story. It's a symptom, not your illness. Thyroid cancer would have been diagnosed at least a year before his death, you knew he was dying when you married him. Must have been when you first met him. And you married him anyway. You can't be that good a person and well adjusted.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.


[User] FEver spiked at 104. Echo shows global hyperkinesis.

[Assistant] Blood pressure?


[User] Barely 90 over 40.

[Assistant] You give her dopamine?


[User] [enters behind them] What's happening?

[Assistant] We would have expected your wife's condition to show some improvement by now, but it hasn't. It's going the other way.


[User] She LOVES you.

[Assistant] I need to know who you had the affair with. He has to be notified so he can get treatment as well. [pause] Why did you lie to us? You knew your life was at stake.


[User] He's not coming back, is he?

[Assistant] We all make mistakes, and we all pay a price. [pause, Elise sniffles] I need that name.


[User] The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.

[Assistant] That's the way calculus presents.


[User] SEvere bradycardia. Heart rates down to 48 and falling fast

[Assistant] You know the kid?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Mom real good looking?


[User] I didn't notice.

[Assistant] Then it's a mystery. Not why he's sick, but why you care so much. The gift shop's open, buy him a card.


[User] He's not responding to atropine.

[Assistant] Boys love fart jokes. Find him one with a good fart joke. [Pops a Vicodin] He's a teenager. It's drugs. Tell those ER geniuses to give him charcoal and naloxone so you'll stop following me.


[User] His tox screen was negative. He's still whacked out

[Assistant] You don't care about the kid. You just find his illness "intriguing"�.


[User] His CAT scan was clean. There's no sign of infection, and it's not diabetes.

[Assistant] And you don't care about him.


[User] That's what you wanna hear. Not in the slightest

[Assistant] Me neither. [about the notes] Means we'll be objective


[User] Maybe its shigellosis.

[Assistant] Wouldn't account for the bradycardia.


[User] Viral myocarditis?

[Assistant] Wouldn't account for the whacked out. So, what's the differential for the negative tox screen?


[User] Unless someone screwed up the test.

[Assistant] That nEver happens.


[User] That's new.

[Assistant] Copy maParkne toner. Same punch as GHB. A little pricier, way more dangerous. On the other hand, it is legal. [To Foreman] I want you to go to his House and find his stash. Betcha know all the good hiding spots.


[User] Actually, I nEver did drugs. [Leaves]

[Assistant] [to Cameron] Better go with him, in case he gets high. [to Chase] How much atropine is the kid getting?


[User] 1 milligram

[Assistant] Make it 2. In case he needs his heart later on.


[User] [opens the fridge to find another jar] This one's open.

[Assistant] I am extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs and you come back with tomato sauce. [To Foreman about his shoes] Betcha paid twice as much, I got mine online.


[User] Source of botulism, as well as a million other toxins that cause gastroenteritis, cardiac symptoms, and mental confusion.

[Assistant] I'm not sure about gastroenteritis but mental confusion? Bring it on! [Eats some of the sauce]


[User] [makes a noise of disbelief]

[Assistant] [Pulls a face] Delicious.


[User] Do you have a death wish?

[Assistant] .I notice he didn't try to save me


[User] I figured you were trying to make some kind of subtle point.

[Assistant] I was. Kid just started seizing. Not a symptom of food-born toxins.


[User] Also not a symptom of drug use either. Not two hours after admission

[Assistant] So what would make him seize! in addition to all his other delightful symptoms.


[User] Carbonates?

[Assistant] Or organophosphates. Organochlorines.


[User] We should wash him down. The poison could still be on his skin.

[Assistant] Already told the nurses.


[User] I feel! good.

[Assistant] That's your complaint? You major symptom?


[User] I notice colors more. And music. I- I'm really hearing music. I'm eighty-two, and I'm supposed to be playing canasta with the other old ladies, but! now when I see a guy with a cute butt! I just cant stop looking at him. Or a sexy beard.

[Assistant] And you figure that enjoying cute butts is a sign of disease?


[User] So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.

[Assistant] Aha.


[User] You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.

[Assistant] People are always mixing us up.


[User] [begins unbuttoning her shirt] I suppose you'll need to check my heart?

[Assistant] No! No! that won't be necessary.


[User] I told you!

[Assistant] But I am going to admit you to the hospital for tests.


[User] What tests? She's just old!

[Assistant] And you're just insufferable. Your mother has had a sudden personality change, she should be checked out. I'll have a nurse come to admit her. I'm too handsome to do paperwork.


[User] Are there any stronger treatments for the organophosphates?

[Assistant] Oh, damnit you caught me. Went with the weak stuff, just trying to save a little money.


[User] What's the success rate?

[Assistant] Excellent, I'm sure. It's the US army, "be all you can be"�. The point is, what are the kid's chances without it?


[User] Minimal at best. The poison's broken the blood-brain barrier.

[Assistant] I assume "minimal at best"� is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell"�?


[User] I'm Australian.

[Assistant] You put the Queen on your money. You're British. - [To Foreman] Call your professor.


[User] Great minds think alike.

[Assistant] By the time they get here we better know which one we need.


[User] If we figure out how he got exposed we'll figure out what he got exposed to.

[Assistant] Well, the mom had homemade tomato sauce. Call me crazy, but I'm thinking maybe! homemade tomatoes?


[User] Front yard vegetable garden.

[Assistant] Kid's out there spraying, pretty girl walks by! hormones raging! spray can goes off in his face...


[User] I'll keep the kid alive! For a while at least. [Leaves]

[Assistant] I'll have lunch.


[User] "The healer with his magic powers! I could rub his gentle brow for hours! His Manly chest, his stubble jaw, Everything about him leaves me raw-"�

[Assistant] Psych ward's upstairs.


[User] "-with joy. Oh House, your very name! will nEver leave this girl the same."� Not bad for an eighty-two year old. She asked me to give that to her true love.

[Assistant] What can I say, Parkcks with no teeth turn me on.


[User] That's! fairly disgusting.

[Assistant] And that's ageism.


[User] You better watch yourself around this babe. Here are the test results.

[Assistant] Impressive. [phone rings]


[User] I found the pesticide. It's disulfoton. And it's empty. He used the whole can.

[Assistant] Okay, I'll get Chase on it.


[User] I can't let you do this.

[Assistant] Get a court order. Unless you want to see someone killed by sheer irrationality.


[User] Maternal instinct is always irrational. That doesn't mean it's wrong.

[Assistant] Actually! that's the definition.


[User] It doesn't mean she's mentally incompetent

[Assistant] She's risking her son's life based on a teenager's claim that he washed something. How mentally incompetent can you get?


[User] That's a brilliant legal argument.

[Assistant] Listen, have your Harvard law dog whip up some high-grade, legal-sounding psycho babble. "Temporary insanity brought on by acute panic distress syndrome,"� I don't care. We have to give him the hydrolase.


[User] Her only sign of mental illness is that she disagrees with you. Some would consider that a sign of sanity.

[Assistant] Not the kid, let's ask him. Oh, I forgot we can't. He's dying.


[User] Get the mother to sign off that she's refusing this treatment.

[Assistant] [to nurse] Goodbye. [To Ms. Davis from the paper] "I, Margo Davis have been informed of the risks which may arise from my refusal of advised medical care. I here by release-"�


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] I work for hospital. ""�the Princeton Plainsboro TeaParkng Hospital, its employees agents, and otherwise from any adverse medical conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital's fault if my son kicks off."�


[User] "Kicks off"�?

[Assistant] I punched up the language; mostly for clarification. "I understand my doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic-"�


[User] Why are you doing this?

[Assistant] "-but I am convinced that I know more than they do. I took a biology course in high school, so! yeah. Besides, I enjoy controlling Every single aspect of my son's life, Even if it means his death."� Sign here please. I brought a pen.


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification. It's a beautiful thing. She rethought her position. Start him on the hydrolase.


[User] His names Park Ling. He was admitted twelve minutes ago. Identical symptoms as Matt. Chase isn't sure he's gonna make it.

[Assistant] Matt's next-door neighbor, by any chance?


[User] The second kid's heart is almost as weak as Matt's; were gonna have to get him wired up, too. And I don't know how long Matt's brain's gonna hold up; his hearts not pumping enough oxygen.

[Assistant] How much are you giving him?


[User] Eighty percent.

[Assistant] Make it ninety.


[User] We're risking damage to his retina.

[Assistant] What the heck? Do it anyway. He's a calculus student, he pRobably likes having a brain! I'll have Foreman do it.


[User] I'm the primary.

[Assistant] Yeah, but the mom wants to get rid of you. And you know me, I'm a people-pleasing kind of guy.


[User] She complained? About me?

[Assistant] She went to the principal. Told Cuddy you did drugs in high school. This is gonna go on your perManent record.


[User] I was trying to get information; it was a strategy.

[Assistant] She also used the word "slacker"�. Want to come in, smoke a little weed, watch some MTV? [Enters office. Chase isn't far behind. Cameron is waiting for them]


[User] High school has no idea what could have happened.

[Assistant] You sure Park didn't sneak out of Matt's tomato patch? Maybe they sniffed disulfoton together to get high.


[User] Same school, different grades, different cliques, different Everything.

[Assistant] They Managed to get poisoned together; they must have something in common.


[User] Their classes aren't in the same building. They don't Even eat lunch in the same lunchroom.

[Assistant] How do they get to school?


[User] Well, it took you long enough. We've been waiting!

[Assistant] Could you step outside a minute?


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because you irritate me.


[User] He is my son, doctor. He's just a little cranky from not eating.

[Assistant] Fine. Mrs. Adams, have you had any recent sexual activity?


[User] Not in bed, dear. [To House] Why do you ask?

[Assistant] Because you have tested positive for syphilis.


[User] That's impossible. And insulting!

[Assistant] I don't think it's the first time Mom's heard this diagnosis.


[User] Cupid's disease, that what we used to call it.

[Assistant] When did you get it?


[User] He was. We're talking about sex. [to House] I was treated.

[Assistant] Which suppressed it. In your case, for 60 years. But now it's back, and the spirochetes that cause syphilis are eating away at your brain cells.


[User] Oh! That's revolting.

[Assistant] It's not as revolting as ChlAmydia; that's got seepage. And it's the 21st century. We've got flying cars, talking dogs, and penicillin. High-dose regimen for two weeks, you're cured.


[User] I don't beliEve it.

[Assistant] Yeah, well, pinch yourself.


[User] I guess for the next two weeks I'd better practice safe sex.

[Assistant] You'll be fine. Just feed that cranky kid.


[User] The county's worried about West Nile so they sprayed ethyl parathion right next to the bus route.

[Assistant] Do you have the hydrolase for ethyl parathion?


[User] Yep. Only one pRoblem. Matt's mom faxed his record to the CDC, and she refuses to let us do anything till she hears back from them.

[Assistant] You're getting good at this God-like doctor thing. Why don't you talk her out of it?


[User] Or mine.

[Assistant] Only one Man left in the bullpen and he throws like a girl.


[User] I hate sports metaphors.

[Assistant] Give her the high hard one.


[User] Their hearts are barely pumping. Their lungs are shot, now they're showing liver toxicity.

[Assistant] I guess Matt's mom won't nominate us for any Doctor of the Year awards.


[User] The only thing they have in common is the bus.

[Assistant] Except their symptoms. Given their sEverity, in fact their cardiac symptoms are getting worse much faster than all their other ones, what does that tell us?


[User] Poison was pRobably absorbed through the skin.

[Assistant] They were admitted at 8:45 and 11:00. When were they poisoned?


[User] In a case that bad, more like 1 1/2 to 4.

[Assistant] So, Matt was poisoned before 7:15. Before he got on the bus.


[User] You think each kid got poisoned in his own House? Two separate exposures?

[Assistant] What do teenage boys do in the morning? Besides the obvious?


[User] Wake up! go to the bathroom, and! the obvious. Then check their zits in the mirror.

[Assistant] Do they use the same acne cream?


[User] Because acne cream contains lanolin, which could have pesticides, and you're thinking they both bought the same product which-

[Assistant] Could be contaminated. Shaving cream?


[User] Park doesn't look like he shaves.

[Assistant] He sweats.


[User] Deodorant could contain lanolin.

[Assistant] These people have pets?


[User] Fleas, flea powder.

[Assistant] Ok. Go to their Houses, check for anything that could have touched their skin between the time they got up and the time they got on the bus. And I'm running low on tomato sauce.


[User] Dr. House!

[Assistant] I sent you home.


[User] I came back. I took a cab so my son wouldn't try to chaperone us this time.

[Assistant] I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.


[User] Look, Dr. House, these feelings that's I've been having. Is it all because of the syphilis?

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Then here's the prescription you gave me. [House looks puzzled] Well, it's not like I'm going to infect anyone.

[Assistant] No, but it'll kill you.


[User] Well, you gotta go sometime. And I really don't want to play canasta for the rest of my life. I! I like feeling sexy again. And making a fool out of myself with handsome young doctors.

[Assistant] Do you think I would have given you this if it would stop you from flirting with me?


[User] But if I'm cured?

[Assistant] The spirochetes will die off. But the little pieces of your cerebral cortex that have been destroyed won't grow back. You're brain damaged. Doomed to feeling good for the rest of your life.


[User] Oh! Oh! thank you! [Leans to kiss him]

[Assistant] Georgia!


[User] When I stop being contagious, I'll come back for a checkup. [Mega-wink]

[Assistant] Yeah!


[User] Matt's ALTs are up to 800. If they get any higher we can toss his liver.

[Assistant] [cell phone goes off] Yeah?


[User] Or any other kind of deodorant.

[Assistant] What about shampoo?


[User] No to shampoo bar soap, dish soap, dish detergent!

[Assistant] What about laundry detergent? Maybe they both washed their clothes this morning?


[User] If we cure Matt, he can use his close brush with death on his college essays. Admission guys love that stuff.

[Assistant] That's how you got in, right? Jail House diaries?


[User] -environmentally safe formula. It's the same!

[Assistant] Bring in the detergent. [hangs up]


[User] So the detergent was contaminated with pesticides?

[Assistant] Soaked into their clothes and got absorbed into their skin! [they enter Park's room. His parents are there] Hi, look, the clothes your son wore today. He washed them this morning, right?


[User] What?

[Assistant] Nice respectful Asian kid does the laundry.


[User] My wife said he didn't.

[Assistant] Then I'm guessing he washed them last night, without you knowing.


[User] Now what?

[Assistant] What about Matt's clothes? They new?


[User] They're ruddy old jeans, I think. They've been bagged up and taken downstairs.

[Assistant] "Davis."�


[User] Yep they're Matt's. And they're old

[Assistant] And yet the label isn't faded in the slightest. Fake old. 100 dollars for the homeless look. What, kids aren't pretentious in England?


[User] Park's are a different brand, how could they both be contaminated?

[Assistant] That is a question for the ages. In the meantime get these tests in.


[User] I nEver bother to wash new clothes before I wear them.

[Assistant] Right, your wife does. She wants you to feel nice and comfortable.


[User] Hey! I'm a Man. I don't have time for laundry, I'm saving lives here. No, she doesn't wash them either.

[Assistant] So your skin absorbs a little dye, the odd chemical here and there!


[User] Well, you know me. Always living on the edge. [Enter Foreman and Chase]

[Assistant] Judging by the self importance of your strut, you have identified the chemical in question.


[User] Phosmet.

[Assistant] Hit him with the hydrolase.


[User] Park's parents said yes but-

[Assistant] Mighty mom said no. She's gonna feel like million bucks when Park lives and her son dies. Send Cameron. She's the only one who's Managed to talk her into anything.


[User] What is this?!

[Assistant] Thought I'd hang out in case you change your mind! and I can give Matt the medicine right away. Don't worry, I've got time.


[User] The CDC promised they'd call.

[Assistant] They will. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after. Takes time to review faxed records. Then they'll pRobably tell you they can't make a decision based on faxed records. [points to the TV] This is Suzy. She's nEver gonna marry him! no money.


[User] What makes you think you're right this time?

[Assistant] Same reason as last time. You wanna see how the other kid does first, that's ok. Might help you. But there's a real good chance that-


[User] What? Matt might "kick off"�?

[Assistant] A little blunt! I was gonna say "run out of time,"� or just sort of let my voice trail off! [Mom's cell goes off]


[User] Hello? ! Yes this is Margo Davis. ! But you have his records; I sent them. ! Yes, I understand. [hangs up] They can't help me.

[Assistant] They haven't seen him. Can't make a decision based on-


[User] [hands House a cell phone. In a fake Southern accent-] The CDC is unable to give an opinion at this time, and! we're gonna have a doctor in your area next week.

[Assistant] You fooled her with that?


[User] Some guy was selling pants off the back of his truck near the school. When he wasn't busy as a clothing entrepreneur, he did daily at the cornfield over by route one. Used the same truck for both jobs.

[Assistant] Spilled pesticides on the pants, didn't bother to clean up. So, why are you still here? Why aren't you out there making up with the joyful mother?


[User] Why would I do that?

[Assistant] No reason at all, you don't care about her or her son.


[User] Oh, Dr. House. The CDC called. Again.

[Assistant] Oops.


[User] Call an ambulance! Now! [Someone in the recording booth does so, as John stops moving.]

[Assistant] I want in.


[User] John Henry Giles, you a fan of his music?

[Assistant] He's a musician? That paralysis thing, guy can't walk for two years and nobody knows why, that seems mildly interesting.


[User] Forget his paralysis.

[Assistant] Tell that to the rest of his bowling team.


[User] As far as this hospital is concerned, this is a simple case of lobar pneumonia. Boring.

[Assistant] But that "not walking"� thing, that could turn into something serious!


[User] Marty Hamilton is his primary physician out in California. He's dealing with the paralysis.

[Assistant] Know all about it. Multiple treatments, multiple surgeries. Making real progress. Fixed Everything but the legs.


[User] Dr. Hamilton already called and asked for your team. And by team, I don't mean you.

[Assistant] Like I always say, there's no "I"� in "team"�. There is a "me"�, though, if you jumble it up. [They leave her office.]


[User] Foreman did his residency with Hamilton.

[Assistant] I know. I did accidentally glance at his resume before I hired him.


[User] He wants someone he can trust.

[Assistant] He must have spoken to Foreman's parole Officer.


[User] Someone who will stick to the pneumonia. John Henry's on an experimental protocol for the paralysis.

[Assistant] I respect that. I'm not going to get in his way.


[User] It's Foreman's case. [She walks away.]

[Assistant] It's pneumonia, he can handle it. Guy's already paralyzed, how badly can he screw it up?


[User] Dr. House, is there anything back from Micro?

[Assistant] Not yet. You gonna fire me?


[User] You can make up for it by washing my car.

[Assistant] Oh, this is fun. [Chase smiles.]


[User] Let's keep him on the broad-spectrum antibiotics, and since he's displaying septic physiology, draw blood for adrenal and thyroid function. [Cameron and Chase stand up, but House's feet resting on the table block their path.]

[Assistant] How about the paralysis?


[User] We're sticking to the pneumonia.

[Assistant] Well, you certainly are, boss. Like a wet tongue sticks to dry ice. [Chase and Cameron sit.]


[User] The paralysis has already been diagnosed by Dr. Hamilton. It's ALS.

[Assistant] Lou Gehrig's disease. It's a lovely diagnosis. They make movies about it. No tests, no treatment. It's a disease of exclusion "�


[User] -- because Hamilton has excluded Everything else.

[Assistant] I haven't. [He gets up and takes the board marker from Foreman.] What else could it be?


[User] Guillain-Barre, which would be rEversible.

[Assistant] Excellent. [He starts to write, but Foreman takes the marker away from him.]


[User] Antibodies could be attacking the nerve. Multifocal motor neuropathy.

[Assistant] Uncommon, but it fits. It's also treatable. Did Hamilton try putting the guy on IVIG?


[User] No, because the MRI showed "�

[Assistant] Well, let's do an MRI of our own. [Chase and Cameron get up.]


[User] Guys? It's my case. [They sit down again.] ALS fits. It Even predicts the pneumonia. The paralysis is progressive.

[Assistant] It's a death sentence.


[User] He signed a DNR.

[Assistant] [takes headphones off] He rhymes with dinner?


[User] He signed a DNR.

[Assistant] Oh. That makes more sense. You tell him it might not be ALS?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Well, no wonder he signed. Who wouldn't?


[User] I started him on IV steroids and ancinthroid. (sp?)

[Assistant] Great. If it was my case, I'd be adding a little IVIG to the mix.


[User] For his pneumonia?

[Assistant] That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


[User] He doesn't want anything done. No treatment.

[Assistant] DNR means "do not resuscitate"�, not "do not treat"�. You do nothing, it doesn't matter which one of us is right. [He puts his headphones back on.] And hang on to that DNR. That signature could be worth a lot of money real soon. [Foreman leaves.]


[User] My nature isn't what it used to be. The little Man has lost some bounce in his step. [House looks like he's trying to looks sympathetic.] He needs to crank it up, have himself some fun this weekend. [confidentially] He wants the blue pills.

[Assistant] You're talking about your penis in the third person.


[User] Me and him, two people.

[Assistant] Separate vacations? That'd be a drag for one of you. I don't think you need the pills. I think you have a conflict of medications. You need to up your insulin to "chocolate Parkp ice cream"� lEvels.


[User] Insulin?

[Assistant] Yeah, you remember. That's the stuff you take for the diabetes that you forgot to tell the nurse about. Your hands. No hair, which means nerve damage. And your shoes look about two sizes too small which means you've lost sensation in your feet. And then there's your pants.


[User] My pants tell you I have diabetes?

[Assistant] No, they tell me you're an idiot. Powdered sugar on the right pant leg. Based on the two napkins in your right pocket, I'm willing to bet it's not your first donut of the day. [House's beeper beeps, it says "Code Blue "� John Henry Giles "� Rm. 324"�. House gives Willie a prescription.]


[User] You're giving me the pills?

[Assistant] Sure, why not? If you've got heart disease from ignoring the diabetes they'll kill you. Otherwise, you two have a fun weekend. [House leaves as Willie looks at the prescription skeptically.]


[User] Oh, yeah.

[Assistant] His stats are in the 70s. How long has he been like this?


[User] 10 minutes.

[Assistant] Well, why aren't you doing "�


[User] The IVIG put him into respiratory failure.

[Assistant] You put him on the IVIG?


[User] We did this.

[Assistant] So undo it! Chase!


[User] It's too late! We killed him.

[Assistant] Nobody killed him! He's not dead! Chase, intubate him!


[User] What are you doing? You can't do this!

[Assistant] Bag.


[User] You can't do this!

[Assistant] Bag! [He grabs the bag himself and starts to ventilate. Cora walks in.] He had a bad reaction to some medicine we gave him.


[User] He's stable on the ventilator. Oxygenating well.

[Assistant] The IVIG made him worse, which means multifocal motoneuropathy was a bad diagnosis. Okay, what's really wrong with him?


[User] What's wrong with you?

[Assistant] Everyone knows what's wrong with me. What's wrong with him is much more interesting.


[User] You tubed him and he didn't wanna be tubed! He has a legal paper saying just that.

[Assistant] To intubate or not to intubate, that is the big ethical question. Actually, I was hoping we could avoid it, maybe just practice some medicine.


[User] There's no question. It's the Patient's decision "�

[Assistant] -- if the Patient is competent to make it, if his thyroid numbers aren't making him sad.


[User] It's nothing. Do not defend him.

[Assistant] Why did he sign that DNR?


[User] I didn't talk him into "�

[Assistant] No, he signed the DNR 'cause he didn't want a slow and painful death from ALS. What was happening to him had nothing to do with his ALS.


[User] Right! Exactly! It's the IVIG, you screwed up! You're not gonna let him die because you screwed up!

[Assistant] Technically, your case. You screwed up. Is that what this is about? Looking bad in front of your old boss?


[User] You assaulted that Man.

[Assistant] Fine. I'll nEver do it again.


[User] Yes, you will.

[Assistant] All the more reason this Debate is pointless. [Foreman leaves.] His lungs are worse. Any theories? [Cameron looks to see where Foreman went.] Oh, I'm sure he just went to the little boys' room. Come on, people.


[User] Uh, vasculitis?

[Assistant] Wouldn't likely hit both lungs.


[User] Dr. House? [House looks surprised.]

[Assistant] Cuddy sent me a stripper again? Ah, love that Woman. So thoughtful.


[User] There are case reports of Wegener's hitting both the legs and the spine.

[Assistant] Well, it's not great, but it's better than ALS. At least it's treatable.


[User] [looking at the paper] It's a restraining order. You're not to come within 50 feet of John Henry Giles, and they've asked the DA to file criminal charges for battery. [slight pause]

[Assistant] Cameron, test the blood for c-ANCA.


[User] These are criminal charges. They aren't going to let you take blood to make more tests.

[Assistant] He has blood left in the lab, just add on the c-ANCA. [to Chase] Foreman's still got you doing bronParkoscopic suctioning for the pneumonia?


[User] Every four hours.

[Assistant] Well, while you're down in his lungs, grab a biopsy. We'll need it to confirm Wegener's. And move the Patient to the second floor ICU.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] It's right above the clinic. I'm pretty sure it's 50 feet in any direction. It's nice having a court order saying you don't have to work clinic duty. [He goes and sits in his office.] [yelling] Dr. Cuddy!


[User] [to Patients] Excuse me.

[Assistant] You paged me.


[User] Why the yelling?

[Assistant] His bed is behind that wall. The plaintiff's. I can't, you know, come any closer.


[User] It's right over the clinic. Very cute.

[Assistant] Can we get the lecture over with, because I've got a, actually, I've got nothing to do. Take your time.


[User] You need a Lawyer?

[Assistant] You don't have a pRoblem with what I did?


[User] When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done!. Trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane, so when I hired you I also set aside $50,000 a year for legal expenses. So far you've come in under budget.

[Assistant] Great. Any chance you could help me run some tests?


[User] Dr. Foreman called Dr. Hamilton. He's flying in from L.A.

[Assistant] You can talk to him.


[User] Dr. Hamilton is flying in as a friend of John Henry's to pull the plug. [pause]

[Assistant] Yeah. I need a Lawyer.


[User] Dr. House is alleged to have forced a tube down Mr. Giles' throat against his will. [House stands up.]

[Assistant] A medical tube, saving his life.


[User] Dr. House, please let your attorney speak for you. [House's attorney makes a noise in the back of his throat.]

[Assistant] I'm sorry, your Honor. I was way out of line. [He sits.]


[User] Why are you doing this? It's not going to keep you out of jail.

[Assistant] No.


[User] Even if you win, the restraining order and battery charge stay in place. What have you gained?

[Assistant] Time.


[User] To diagnose him? You can't get near him!

[Assistant] I don't want to get near him.


[User] You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex, they need to save the world? You've got the Rubik's complex, you need to solve the puzzle.

[Assistant] Are you done, or do you have more references to 1980s fads? I'm trying to listen to this. [He turns back to the topic at hand, tugging at his shirt collar.]


[User] The DNR order was witnessed by Dr. House's own staff, a, a Dr. Foreman. [House stands.]

[Assistant] My staff are idiots. I'm sure you know what it's like, your Honor.


[User] And this poor guy has gotta stay on life support until we can schedule a trial. [House stands.]

[Assistant] Your Honor "�


[User] Dr. House, I will hold you in contempt if you don't sit down.

[Assistant] I have a medical issue.


[User] If it pertains to this case your attorney should "�

[Assistant] It doesn't. Do you have any history of heart disease in your family? [Giles' attorney scoffs.]


[User] Your Honor!

[Assistant] Your fingers. They show signs of clubbing, which indiCate a health pRoblem. Remember Bart Giamotti? Same thing, just dropped dead one day. Please see your doctor.


[User] He's admitted this isn't relevant. Can we please get back to the motion?

[Assistant] Of course, I'm sorry. [He sits.]


[User] Congratulations, impressive legal argument.

[Assistant] I watched Matlock last night. [He pulls off his tie.]


[User] Oh, say no more. I didn't notice any clubbing on the Judge's fingers.

[Assistant] Neither did I.


[User] So, the family history thing!

[Assistant] Every family has some history of heart disease.


[User] Biopsy only shows inflammation.

[Assistant] Start him on Cytoxan.


[User] You're diagnosing Wegener's based on a little inflammation?

[Assistant] Well, unfortunately I think we've exhausted all the tests we can do in the capacity as the doctors he doesn't want doing tests on him.


[User] But you don't --

[Assistant] We'll know I'm right if he starts walking.


[User] You can't do any more tests, but you want me to treat him?

[Assistant] The medicine's in the pharmacy, Patient's immobilized in the ICU. Sounds like a simple geography pRoblem.


[User] Can I help you?

[Assistant] Uh, I'm Dr. House, I'm "�


[User] I'd appreciate any list of medications, anything like that.

[Assistant] I've started him on Cytoxan.


[User] For Wegener's, right? Look, Gregg. I checked you out, you know? I know you're a good doctor. You have to appreciate that I'm a good doctor, too.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Wegener's is one of the first things I looked for. The biopsy and the blood tests were negative, just like yours.

[Assistant] There's an error rate, Marty.


[User] It's not your fault, Eric.

[Assistant] No, it's mine. Eric.


[User] How's the old place doing? [They start to chat.]

[Assistant] Oh, this is wonderful. [They stop chatting.] But before you guys break out the oil, I should point out you can't pull the plug; I have a court order.


[User] You used to, but "�

[Assistant] I have the right to face my accuser. Judge said so.


[User] Not if no one's accusing you. All the charges have been dropped.

[Assistant] He doesn't have to die.


[User] It's not Wegener's.

[Assistant] If it's Wegener's, his lungs won't be able to handle it. As soon as they pull that plug he'll die.


[User] He's still breathing.

[Assistant] It's not Wegener's. Wrong again. [He walks off.]


[User] He's stable, but one of his arms is now paralyzed.

[Assistant] The real question is, why is he still alive?


[User] He's alive because you were wrong. It's not Wegener's.

[Assistant] Yeah, seem to be doing that a lot, lately. People keep living because of my mistakes.


[User] Progression of the paralysis pretty much confirms Hamilton was right. It's ALS.

[Assistant] Assuming this is a progression of his paralysis.


[User] He can't move his arm.

[Assistant] Yes, his arm is paralyzed. Yes, his legs are paralyzed. Why is Everyone so gung-ho to connect those two conditions? You could think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking?


[User] How about this one? He's not our Patient.

[Assistant] Nope, not good enough.


[User] He could have suffered a stroke when he was intubated. [Foreman looks at her.] Well, blood clots are common in intubated Patients. The inactivity causes "�

[Assistant] Not interested in why. Let's get an MR-angiogram for an embolic stroke.


[User] He doesn't want you treating him!

[Assistant] They dropped the court order.


[User] Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn't mean that he should call her and see if she's free to get a sundae.

[Assistant] Good point, but I can go within 50 feet of him now.


[User] Okay. [Hamilton leaves. John starts coughing. House, who was hiding behind a column in the lobby, comes into the room.] Get outta here.

[Assistant] Sure. That makes sense. You hate me for saving your life. In fairness to your side, you were also dying because of me, so "�


[User] You know I didn't wanna be saved.

[Assistant] That's what's interesting. Your thyroid was low, but not low enough to cause depression.


[User] So, you came here to tell me that Even if I can't walk I can still hear the birds sing? Enjoy the rainbow, and feeling the sun shine on my face?

[Assistant] Those things are fun. Okay, life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It's not as bad as some, which is depressing all by itself. But do me a favor. Just let me find out what's wrong with you. And if you still want to kill yourself, I'll give you a hand. That sound fair?


[User] Yeah, sure. I'll stick around to indulge your obsession. It's over. I lost my air. The session the other night, with those kids? That was a test to see if I could still play. I can't.

[Assistant] And that's all you are? A musician?


[User] I got one thing, same as you.

[Assistant] Really? Apparently, you know me better than I know you.


[User] I know that limp. I know the empty ring finger. And that obsessive nature of yours, that's a big secret. You don't risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything, one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatEver. That's because they don't got that one thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music, you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is Everything else. No Woman waiting at home after work with the drink and the kiss, that ain't gonna happen for us.

[Assistant] That's why God made microwaves.


[User] Yeah, but when it's over, it's over.

[Assistant] Yeah. [He walks to the door and opens it. Suddenly, he walks back and starts to undo the cords connecting John to the monitors.]


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] It's not over for me. Either you're gonna call the cops again, or we're doing this. [He starts to wheel John's bed out the door.] If you wanna die, you can do it just as easily inside an MRI maParkne. [At this point, the nurses at the desk are looking at House like he's crazy. Hee!]


[User] Listen, listen, I just think it wouldn't hurt him to learn a little humility. [We see that House has been standing behind Foreman. Whoops!]

[Assistant] So, what's the verdict?


[User] There's a good chance we can still bust the clot with tPA.

[Assistant] Do it. See what happens to his arm.


[User] I don't know, I guess! It's just with Dr. Hamilton here, I notice a difference in styles.

[Assistant] His style involves humility. [small pause] Another difference in our styles: I don't care much for apologies. You can go.


[User] I didn't know you were standing there when I said that, okay? It was completely rude.

[Assistant] Do you mean genuine humility? You know, with all the self-doubt and the self-questioning, or Hamilton's polite, patronizing "Aw, shucks"� humility?


[User] You're both excellent doctors.

[Assistant] Thank you. And humility is an important quality. Especially if you're wrong a lot.


[User] You've been wrong Every step of the way.

[Assistant] Of course, when you're right, self-doubt doesn't help anybody, does it? [His beeper goes off.] We gotta go.


[User] Congratulations, Gregg.

[Assistant] [mutters to Foreman] Congratulations! [aloud] Why, Marty?


[User] Now look, I know we've had our differences, but I think when a person does something well [House picks up the phone] it ought to be recognized.

[Assistant] The phone works. Next time you want to make me feel all warm and fuzzy, leave a message. [He taps John's leg.] Don't get me wrong, I'm overcome with joy.


[User] Yeah?

[Assistant] What?


[User] You just touched my leg.

[Assistant] What, you gonna charge me with assault again?


[User] No, I felt it.

[Assistant] He now has feeling all the way up to calf. This is the way medicine evolved. Patients sometimes get better. You have no idea why, but unless you give a reason they won't pay you. Anybody notice if there's a full moon?


[User] You're saying he just spontaneously got better?

[Assistant] No, I'm saying let's rule out the lunar god and go from there.


[User] I'm sure he will.

[Assistant] It's one of ours.


[User] How do we figure out which drug is doing the trick?

[Assistant] Easy. We stop all of them.


[User] One of those drugs is helping him.

[Assistant] And the rest? Steroids, antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, they're toxic if we leave him on all of them.


[User] He'll walk again.

[Assistant] Yeah, to his own funeral.


[User] But if we stop Everything, he'll get worse.

[Assistant] True. And then we'll add our medications back, one at a time. If he gets better, then we'll have our answer.


[User] And if he doesn't get better?

[Assistant] Then we're in trouble. Not as much as he is. I suppose that was your point.