[User] My asthma. They said they'd fix it but it didn't make any difference at all.

[Assistant] Well, sometimes doctors make mistakes, [looks at the chart] Anna. We need to try twice as hard to fix them. You using your inhaler?


[User] All the time. Go through one a week.

[Assistant] You sure you're using it right?


[User] Do I look like an idiot?

[Assistant] No. Why don't you show me how your inhaler works?


[User] Uh, what was that all about?

[Assistant] Jamaican Parkcken recipes.


[User] The parents said no to the benzos but I still think Natalie's not being honest with me.

[Assistant] So she's willing to die to cover up some boozing.


[User] She's very depressed. She feels like she deserves what the other kids are dishing out on her. I think she either wants to die or she wants the attention that dying gives her.

[Assistant] [throws up his hands] I have no idea why you care so much. Tell Kutner to start her on benzos.


[User] House, the parents just �

[Assistant] Uh, uh, uh. Not the alcoholism. Seizures. Totally different. [over his shoulder as he walks away] Don't need their approval for that. You sure you want to know? If it makes it any easier, I'm going to tell you anyway


[User] What does it say?

[Assistant] [holds up his hand] Don't leave.


[User] Been waiting here for six hours. Am I the father or not?

[Assistant] No. [Geoff takes his hand off Whitney's shoulder] But, she also didn't cheat on you. Gotta tell you about this clinic Patient.


[User] Natalie's liver's continuing to fail and now bradycardia. Atropine isn't keeping the heart rate up. We're gonna have to put her on a pacemaker.

[Assistant] Alcohol withdrawal would cause her heart to race, not crawl.


[User] Didn't come up on the CT scan.

[Assistant] It's hitting all her organs. Could be the blood. What's her alk phos?


[User] Maybe, but it's higher than you'd expect. Start her on chemo.

[Assistant] And do a bone marrow to confirm.


[User] Why are you ordering tests instead of treatment? Her heart and liver are about to give up. Do whatEver you need to.

[Assistant] Why are you so attached to this girl? [Cuddy opens her mouth but nothing comes out.] It's your call. [He leaves]


[User] What if we're wrong? Maybe we shouldn't have overlooked autoimmunes. High sed rate �

[Assistant] We went over this. Normal complement lEvel. [He shakes his head slightly]


[User] So it isn't hepatic fibrosis. Could still be microangiopathic vasculitis. [She takes armload of papers from visitors chair, puts them on his desk and sits.] With high-dose steroids, we might be able to rEverse the �

[Assistant] You run a hospital that treats thousands of Patients Every day. Some of them die. Every day. If you're gonna get this worked up over Every one of them! [He sorts through the pile Cuddy put on his desk while he speaks. He reaches a gift-wrapped box and grabs it and his cane] Yes! BRB


[User] What is it?

[Assistant] Thank you from a Patient.


[User] For you? [She follows him into the hall]

[Assistant] I saved her marriage by showing that her pregnancy was the result of parthenogenesis.


[User] HuMan parthenogenesis? You proved �

[Assistant] Yep. It's unbelievable. But I personally checked it five times.


[User] How did you check it five times? The cycler's broken. You would have had to send it out. It would have taken �

[Assistant] Oh, yeah. That does sound impossible, now that I think of it. I guess the better explanation is that the paternity test showed she cheated so I faked the whole parthenogenesis thingy. [He opens Wilson's door.]


[User] What? Why?

[Assistant] I win. [He tosses the gift to Wilson who catches it.]


[User] You faked a scientific miracle just to win a bet with Wilson? [She follows him back to his office.]

[Assistant] Mmm, more an argument. I realize it would have been simpler to just fake the paternity test, but hey � Christmas spirit and all that.


[User] I think you're confusing nice and evil again. Letting a Woman deceive her husband by inventing a virgin birth just so you can�

[Assistant] And it obviously would have been more fitting if the baby had been born on Christmas, not just invented then.


[User] It's not leukemia. Seizures, liver failure � It's eclampsia.

[Assistant] Which means we don't have one dead Patient. We have two.


[User] I wanted to apologize. For all of the horrible stuff I did to you in high school. I'm sorry.

[Assistant] What's gonna happen to her?


[User] I spoke to both sets of grandparents. It's too painful. They're putting her up for adoption.

[Assistant] What are you gonna do?


[User] I already spoke to a Lawyer. I become a foster parent and then I adopt.

[Assistant] Merry Christmas, Cuddy. [He leaves]


[User] I'm sorry. I just! I couldn't take the pain anymore.

[Assistant] Either I need a new watch, or Mowgli is cutting into your Beauty Sleep.


[User] [pulling folders from her bag and handing them to the receptionist.] I was up all night looking at finance reports, and Rachel is doing great. Thanks for asking.

[Assistant] Proving that you're a better foster mom than a homeless drug addict.


[User] Departmental budgets are due this week.

[Assistant] I'm gonna need an extension. Got some time next decade.


[User] Cameron already turned yours in.

[Assistant] That's nice of her. Two questions � Why did she? And why are you telling me?


[User] Same answer � now you owe her a favor.

[Assistant] I'm gonna need an extension. I got some time �-


[User] House, I've got a DYFS home visit on Friday.

[Assistant] And I've got a w-h-o-r-e visit on �-


[User] 32-year-old male with chronic pain all over.

[Assistant] This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors.


[User] He's seen sEven different specialists over three years. No diagnosis and no relief.

[Assistant] Oh, I am fascinated already. It's like I'm treating myself. He gets cured, and I get to learn a valuable lesson about the milk of huMan kindness.


[User] If I thought you learned lessons, I nEver would've quit.

[Assistant] So you're wasting a favor because?


[User] I think you can help this guy.

[Assistant] [rattling his Vicodin vial] Drug-seeking Patients �


[User] I'd shoot the guys with the torches. Not one doctor this guy has seen in the past three years has been able to find a single thing wrong with him. What does that tell you?

[Assistant] [who has continued to stare at the pills without taking them] It means they're idiots. It means we got to start from the beginning. [to Taub] We'll do a pain profile to rule out psychosomatic pain. [to Thirteen] Search the home. [to Cameron] Go home. [to Kutner, tossing him the empty bottle] Get a refill! And a doughnut.


[User] So would the carbon monoxide he sucked out of his car. It's not a toxic reaction. It's a psychosomatic reaction. The pain profile showed an excessive concern about his physical health, difficulty sleeping, getting out of bed.

[Assistant] He's not in pain because he's depressed. He's depressed because he's in pain.


[User] Not according to the pain profile you ordered. It's not a diet issue. We should start him on antidepressants for his sake, as well as his family's.

[Assistant] We're not diagnosing his family.


[User] We're not diagnosing you either.

[Assistant] It's rhabdo. Push IV fluids, check his urine, do a muscle biopsy.


[User] What muscle? He says it hurts all over.

[Assistant] Then she'll biopsy all over.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] [taking his jacket from the coat tree] If Cuddy can come in late, I can leave early. If you need anything while I'm gone, just ask Cameron to do it.


[User] Means it's getting worse.

[Assistant] Got to let the phone ring more than four times when you're calling a cripple. Chronic pain and pulmonary embolism, go.


[User] How'd you know he had �

[Assistant] You called after midnight. It's got to a heart pRoblem. Heart only would be consistent with rhabdo, which means Thirteen and Foreman would be singing in the rain, which means it has to be lungs as well.


[User] Hypercoagulable state could cause pain and a PE.

[Assistant] You think the blood clot was caused by a clotting pRoblem. That's helpful.


[User] What if it's a cancer syndrome, like Trousseau's? Explains blood clots, multifocal pain, lack of obvious physical signs.

[Assistant] And why he's gone three years without anyone seeing it. Check his chest, abdomen, and pelvis for tumors. [He hangs up.]


[User] That's not cancer.

[Assistant] No hurry. I already bathed once this week. I wouldn't want to look elitist.


[User] Can't do anything till I write up an estimate.

[Assistant] Fine. Pad it all you want. Here's a check for the deductible. Don't touch the piano and lock up when you leave.


[User] Sorry, deductible doesn't apply here.

[Assistant] Well, I'm no arParktect, but I'm pretty sure the master bedroom is part of the home, which means the home warranty �


[User] Doesn't cover negligence. This pipe goes through the ceiling, over that wall, and into your shower. It didn't burst. It was pulled apart.

[Assistant] Yeah, 'cause I'm clearly a guy who likes to knock out a few naked pull-ups before I greet the day.


[User] You hang laundry in there?

[Assistant] I'm about to hang a plumber in there.


[User] Look, there's no rust. There's no corrosion. I don't know how it happened, but I know what happened, and it's not covered.

[Assistant] So!


[User] I'll help. [She grabs her stuff and rushes out the door behind Kutner and Taub.]

[Assistant] Good thing we don't have a suicidal Patient with a horrific, undiagnosed pain disorder.


[User] We did till we diagnosed it. We found intestinal edema and air in the blood vessels. Pain was vascular.

[Assistant] If it was vascular, we would've seen unEven pulses.


[User] His blood pressure was unEven. Thirteen and Kutner are doing an angio.

[Assistant] He had hemorrhages in his fingers.


[User] There's air in the intestine. It has to have come from somewhere.

[Assistant] [thinking] Yes, it does. [He leaves.]


[User] Will that take away the pain?

[Assistant] It will be completely ineffective, and the pain will completely go away. Cancel the angio.


[User] He has air in his blood vessels. If we don't open the artery to his intestines �

[Assistant] [handing Thirteen his cane] Where can air come from? Hmmm. [He inspects the IV line, started at Jeff and moving toward the IV stand.] Air can either come from a breach in the lumen in the small intestine, or in rare instances, air can come from the air. [He opens a connector in the line and shows it to hem.] Teeth marks. I'm guessing from when he blew into his IV tube.


[User] Air bubble caused the PE and cardiac arrest.

[Assistant] You tried to finish the job that you started at home.


[User] I lied. I wanna die. Please just let me die.

[Assistant] No. [He leaves.]


[User] Is anyone keeping an eye on him, because this whole idea of suicidal watch was specifically created for suicidal Patients. I realize how you might've thought the name was just a coincidence.

[Assistant] Are there any visuals in this room that are key to us learning our lesson? 'Cause the telephone �


[User] I'm inconveniencing you because you inconvenienced me. [pause] When was the last time you showered?

[Assistant] Scent of a Man! I realize you haven't experienced it sober.


[User] The pain started in his abdomen near his intestine. The first symptom has got to be key.

[Assistant] He's had multiple EEGs, all of them cleaner and squeakier than Cuddy's rubber nipples.


[User] What about a glycogen storage disease like McArdle's? It explains the pain. Plus there's plenty of muscle cells in the wall of the intestine.

[Assistant] Fourteen is right. [Kutner smirks.] Go run an ischemic forearm test.


[User] Take the garbage out on your way out. [She hands Kutner a dirty diaper.]

[Assistant] If you want a Man to take your crap, you have to marry him first.


[User] Pain started in his abdomen. Now it's hopped from his left thumb to his left leg, skipping the trunk entirely.

[Assistant] I need the name of a good Lawyer.


[User] We're getting sued?

[Assistant] PRobably. That's Cuddy's pRoblem.


[User] Hopping pain, means it's something in his brain, not his body.

[Assistant] Except the pain's in two places that connect to two separate regions of the brain. Which means you're not using yours. Come on, you're from one of the 12 tribes. You know must know a ton of shysters.


[User] What type of Lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.

[Assistant] Didn't say I needed a Lawyer. I said I needed the name of a Lawyer.


[User] Could still be peripheral. If multiple areas of disc disease �

[Assistant] Were consistent with a completely spotless MRI. [to Kutner] Who represented the hospital when you set that Patient on fire?


[User] Chris Carrick.

[Assistant] Chris? That doesn't sound like a very good Lawyer.


[User] If we can't Even resolve body versus brain, we're nEver gonna diagnose the guy.

[Assistant] What was the name of the firm?


[User] Caddell and Carrick. It's not like we can chop off his head to see if the pain goes away.

[Assistant] Need to cut off a guy's head. [Cuddy turns to leave.] Got to figure out if his pain's coming from his brain or his body. [She pauses at the door.] A stiff shot of lidocaine below the brain stem should numb him all the way down to his tippy toes.


[User] And hearing me say "no" over the phone wasn't good enough?

[Assistant] I'm inconveniencing you because you inconvenienced me.


[User] You know that foster-care official is coming in the morning.

[Assistant] If they weren't, there'd be no inconvenience.


[User] Do not try and force me to choose between my Parkld �

[Assistant] I'm forcing you to do your job! If you can't also �


[User] Fine, you want to separate a Patient's central nervous system from the rest of his body.

[Assistant] If the pain stays, it's in his brain. If it vanishes �


[User] And what about options three, four, and five? His respiratory system freezes, or he dies of infection, or he leaks CNS fluid like a fire hydrant, which would make him wish he were dead?

[Assistant] You need to scratch option five. He's already there.


[User] You preach objectivity, but as soon as a Patient comes in in pain, all you want to do is look under the hood. You don't care if there's a one-in-three chance you'll kill him.

[Assistant] If I don't diagnose him, there's a one-in-one chance he'll kill himself.


[User] This should numb Everything from your shoulders down. Any pain that's peripheral should be gone. [House enters, not wearing a mask, of course.] What are you doing here?

[Assistant] Just stretParkng my leg. Carry on.


[User] Bad pain day today?

[Assistant] [rattling pill bottle] About to get better. Don't worry. He's making yours a double.


[User] I remember when the drugs still made things tolerable. I still thought I had good days left.

[Assistant] Turns out you have to live to find out.


[User] You don't have a family, do you?

[Assistant] Left them all back on Krypton.


[User] You're alone. That's why you can handle your pain. No need to put up a front, to be what anyone else wants you to be. You're having more bad days lately, aren't you?

[Assistant] [quietly after a pause] Yes. [Chase looks at House for a moment.]


[User] No, but less. Four out of ten, maybe five.

[Assistant] Can't be. If whatEver is causing the pain is in your brain, it's still a ten. Periphery is zero.


[User] Which one of you is House?

[Assistant] The big black guy.


[User] [dropping an envelope on the table in front of House] Chris Carrick. Next time you use my name in a threatening e-mail, it won't be just a bill. It'll be a lawsuit. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] [to Foreman as he inspects the envelope without opening it] Can you blame me? The last time that happened, the guy shot me.


[User] What if the spinal block triggered some sort of placebo effect?

[Assistant] Guy's taken the finest opiates Blue Cross can buy. How come they didn't trigger a placebo effect?


[User] He just started screaming, do something! Please, God, do not let it be what his father has.

[Assistant] I think he's faking.


[User] Where is he going?

[Assistant] Where is it?


[User] Where's what?

[Assistant] [producing an empty bottle of rubbing alcohol from under the sheets.] His idiot son distracted the orderlies so that daddy death wish here could down a bottle of isopropyl. Get him on dialysis, or in half an hour, he'll be a corpse.


[User] You're hurting me.

[Assistant] Remember the feeling. Maybe next time you want to help pops, you'll do a better acting job.


[User] Fabry disease might be able to cause central and peripheral pain.

[Assistant] No angiokeratomata.


[User] Lightning pain from syphilis.

[Assistant] All the syph tests were negative. [They silently follow him into the Diagnostics Conference Room.] Why aren't you guys still talking?


[User] Something has to.

[Assistant] Unless! Nothing does.


[User] So now you think �

[Assistant] Mine's a more interesting version of nothing. It used to be something. We can't find anything because whatEver injury caused the original pain healed a long time ago. The only thing left is the drugs.


[User] Opioid induced pain.

[Assistant] Pain and the drugs that treat pain work by changing brain chemistry, sometimes to the point where pain receptors read painkillers as killer pain. Take him off the drugs.


[User] We can't cure him, so we're gonna torture him?

[Assistant] Torture is the cure. Eventually his body will recalibrate itself.


[User] Assuming you're right.

[Assistant] Yes. I find it confusing to assume otherwise.


[User] How would you like to stop taking Vicodin?

[Assistant] Good thing I'm not the Patient.


[User] This is lunacy. You're torturing this guy on a hunch.

[Assistant] It's the only hunch we've got. If I really wanted to torture him, I'd Manipulate a clinical trial in the hopes that he'd sleep with you.


[User] Are you suggesting I got Thirteen in that trial because of some personal �

[Assistant] I think you got her in because of your usual Messiah complex. I think you messed with the appointment schedule because of your "I like to have sex" complex. I checked the logs. You moved your most promising Patient right before her. False hope being quite the aphrodisiac.


[User] How's it false if the trials are showing results?

[Assistant] Well, if it were that promising, you wouldn't have to change the schedule. But, hey! Hope springs eternal.


[User] This was a cooking accident?

[Assistant] First time making cherries jubilee.


[User] Awfully big fire.

[Assistant] If you ask me, some of the portions in that recipe were off. [He picks up his insurance policy, which happens to be on the counter and leafs through it.] Sure hope it happens to be covered under, say, section three, subsection 2.2, paragraph one, accidental fire damage, in which case you'd have to replace the entire waterline to fix the sagging pipe.


[User] It's not working.

[Assistant] I know. I started him back on the pain meds! [He drops his backpack behind his desk. She's still standing there.] Which means you can leave.


[User] My son was right. I tried for so long to protect him from! But I'm the one who's been selfish. This is no way for him to live.

[Assistant] Until we get an answer, it's the only way.


[User] There is no answer.

[Assistant] There's always an answer.


[User] Then what is it? He's been here four days. Three suicide attempts. You don't have an answer. When I saw you! When I saw the cane! I thought, "thank God. The doctor will understand." Because I sure as hell don't. My husband thinks it's over. So look me in the eye, tell me you'd want to live like that. [House looks down slightly and says nothing.] Then stabilize him. Get him in decent enough shape for the drive home. [She starts crying.] So he can finally!

[Assistant] [quietly] Okay.


[User] You're insane. You know that, right?

[Assistant] Because I have principles?


[User] Because you paid more to bribe me to lie on your claim than the entire cost of the repair.

[Assistant] I don't care if I pay, as long as the people who pocketed my premiums for the last nine years also pay. I didn't break the pipe.


[User] WhatEver. If you want to stick it to the Man, that's fine by me. [He signs some paperwork and gives it to House.] You happy?

[Assistant] Nope, but I'm right. Lock up on your way out. And don't touch the piano. Testicles. What do they make you think of?


[User] STDs, testosterone issues, that summer on Fire Island.

[Assistant] Oh, so close. The correct answer is epilepsy.


[User] Epilepsy doesn't cause chronic pain.

[Assistant] It does if it spreads to the sensory region of the brain, then rewires the pain neurons.


[User] Would've shown up on an EEG.

[Assistant] Not if the seizures are in a place you can't see on an EEG, a place too deep in the brain, like the area that controls the muscles supporting the!


[User] Testicles.

[Assistant] Feels like you got kicked in the nads, doesn't it? [Jeff and Lynne look at him, puzzled.] The abdominal pain, how it all started. It wasn't the stomach. It was lower, right?


[User] It's Everywhere.

[Assistant] But when it first started.


[User] It started in the stomach � cramps.

[Assistant] Yeah, like bad gas, or a permeating pain! Like your kidneys were being pulled out through your scrotum.


[User] [sits up straighter. House's description seems to register with him.] Why?

[Assistant] Because epilepsy is treatable.


[User] You gonna pay for that?

[Assistant] Nice of you to offer. Now I can actually get some cream cheese.


[User] 29-year-old teacher. She works with special needs Parkldren. She �

[Assistant] Love what you're wearing. Brings out the blue of the case file, which means it's not from the ER. So why are you here? [He tears open a packet of cream cheese with his teeth.]


[User] Because Dr. Cuddy is not here. She's decided to spend some more time at home with the baby for a while. I'm taking over some of her day-to-day responsibilities, like babysitting you.

[Assistant] Interesting. You have your whole life ahead of you. So why would Cuddy want you to die so young?


[User] She figured I'd spent three years working for you. I was inoculated.

[Assistant] Good. Fun. You get to exercise your newfound power. I squirm under your thumb, resent the student becoming the teacher, and then push comes to shove, and we all get to realize what our real roles should be. Then you put out. [He takes a bite of his bagel.]


[User] That's why I took the job.

[Assistant] 29-year-old Special Ed Teacher coughs up blood all over Corky. No dyspnea, no weight loss. [to Foreman] Why are you smirking?


[User] You're gonna destroy her, aren't you?

[Assistant] I am going to do my job. If that involves leaving her a rotting pulp!


[User] Thoracic tumor is a better fit. Erodes into her airway and esophagus �

[Assistant] Oh, will you two stop it already?


[User] Stop what?

[Assistant] Disagreeing.


[User] Okay, which one of us shouldn't have an opinion?

[Assistant] It's not an opinion. It's a smoke screen. Toss out a lame idea, instead of agreeing with Foreman's better idea because you're worried that'll confirm that he's boldly gone where no Man has gone before.


[User] Drop it, House. We're seeing each other, end of discussion. Anything else isn't relevant.

[Assistant] It's extremely relevant. Apparently, it colors Everything. Now I have no idea if you have differing opinions because you have differing opinions or because you're just trying to prove that you can think for yourselves.


[User] How about you just Judge our ideas on their own merit?

[Assistant] Oh, you don't want me to do that. Go run a bleeding-time test, confirm our Patient's blood is screwy, then you can come back and pretend to disagree about why.


[User] It's her platelets, looked like they had bite marks in them.

[Assistant] So now you're agreeing? Either you folded because I gave you crap, or you broke up, or �


[User] We disagree, you blame our relationship. We agree, you blame our relationship. Don't you see a pRoblem there?

[Assistant] Yes. Don't you?


[User] Could be lymphoma.

[Assistant] Not with normal LDH.


[User] ITP fits. We should start her on methotrexate.

[Assistant] Absolutely, and total body irradiation.


[User] TBI will promote cancers, kill her digestive tract.

[Assistant] Don't forget, stop her from bleeding into her brain.


[User] It's premature, reckless, and potentially lethal.

[Assistant] True. Must be somebody's job to stop me from being reckless and irresponsible. [He gets in the elevator.] Nobody can stop me from being premature. [He chortles goofily as the doors close on him.] Got a Patient with ITP. Need to hit her with radiation.


[User] [to person on the phone] I'm gonna have to call you back. [to House] Methotrexate.

[Assistant] Good point. On the other hand, if she bleeds in her brain, she's gonna need a Special Ed class of her own.


[User] Fine.

[Assistant] Really?


[User] Yeah, if you think it's right, do it.

[Assistant] Hmmm. Some people thought you were gonna be brutal, marking your territory.


[User] Who?

[Assistant] Nobody. Just because I call him nobody doesn't make me a racist.


[User] I'm not gonna play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I'll say yes.

[Assistant] I need oral sex. I'm pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense.


[User] Can I return my phone call now?

[Assistant] I don't really see how that's gonna be possible.


[User] Patient won't respond to methotrexate. Bleeding time hasn't improved.

[Assistant] You have a medical dilemma for me. I have one for you. I need a reason to not do total body irradiation.


[User] Other than that Cameron said you can't.

[Assistant] She said I can.


[User] Then why don't we just do it?

[Assistant] Because it's premature, reckless, and potentially lethal.


[User] Then why don't we just don't do it?

[Assistant] Because that would let Cameron in on the fact that I nEver intended to do it.


[User] This is gonna be convoluted, isn't it?

[Assistant] I figured I'd ask for something really crazy, so she'd shoot me down and get the whole "I can control House" thing out of her perky little system. So the next time I went back and asked for something marginally crazy, it would seem marginally reasonable, and she'd say yes. So, yeah, slightly convoluted.


[User] Unless we irradiate her. Without the radiation. We book the nuclear lab. We fill out the paperwork. We bring the Patient down there. We do Everything but flip the switch.

[Assistant] Go. Do. Don't flip.


[User] And is there anything we should be doing, you know, to actually help the Patient?

[Assistant] Trust me. In the long term, this'll help all our Patients. In the short term, double the dose of methotrexate and add prednisone.


[User] The Patient said she had to go pee. Maybe when she got up, she started to urinate. Increased the vagal tone, caused arrhythmia, and stopped her heart.

[Assistant] Who has to go pee in the middle of a nuclear procedure?


[User] It wasn't really a nuclear procedure.

[Assistant] She didn't know that. [The others look at him.] People don't die from peeing.


[User] Like the classroom with the broken heater and the cold metal table in the procedure room.

[Assistant] Oh, for God's sake, get a room. Immerse her in an ice bath. The cold will activate her cold agglutinins.


[User] Causing her heart to race.

[Assistant] Confirming our diagnosis.


[User] And giving her another heart attack.

[Assistant] Lucky for me, there's a flaxen-haired maiden who loves to say yes.


[User] You hired me to do this job. Let me do it.

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry. Looks like you guys are in the middle of a conversation. I can wait till Cuddy leaves. [He makes himself comfortable in an armchair.] You are gonna leave soon, aren't you? I mean, the nurses have got your baby out there. Not that they're gonna kidnap it or anything, but I figured that the new mother brings the baby to work because she wants to listen to all the cooing.


[User] If you're gonna wait, you can wait outside.

[Assistant] Unless the new mother brings the baby to work because she wants to dump the baby, because she hates the baby and thinks she made a big mistake. [Long pause as Cuddy and Cameron stare at House.] You can't trust that Wilson guy with anything.


[User] It's not a big deal. I was having a bad day.

[Assistant] Is Wilson gonna be in trouble?


[User] For betraying my trust in a vulnerable time? No. Why would that bother me?

[Assistant] He was worried, made a bad choice. It's not a big deal. I know it seems like crap, you pRobably feel like crap, but it's not. Legally, you haven't adopted her yet. There's no obligations, no strings. It can be undone tomorrow. Emotionally, you'll feel guilty for a while, but the kid! She won't Even know you existed.


[User] You saying I should give her back?

[Assistant] Much better than having a mother who doesn't give a crap.


[User] What did you want?

[Assistant] We got a green light. Go draw the Patient's blood.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] To see if it clumps in the cold.


[User] She's making you confirm your theory before you treat?

[Assistant] She approved the bath. Just thought we ought to do a test to confirm.


[User] I think she was playing you.

[Assistant] [getting on the elevator] Go draw the blood.


[User] You come to procedures now?

[Assistant] Only the ones that might involve stopping the Patient's heart.


[User] Cameron tell you to be here?

[Assistant] Shut up.


[User] He was extremely sensitive to touch, yet he had a! a tactile fascination with newspaper. I mean, he wouldn't read it. He would just! just touch it, crinkle it. I thought maybe that was a way in. Papier mâch� and! and it was. He let me into his world.

[Assistant] Please tell her that talking will ruin the test.


[User] All the kids � I try to become a part of them, and then have them become a part of me.

[Assistant] How much longer till the heart attack?


[User] I wanted to be a doctor from the time I was eight years old. NEver wanted to be a pediatrician, though.

[Assistant] Now they're both talking.


[User] It's not cold agglutinins.

[Assistant] I'm not surprised. She obviously has brain damage. [Taub looks at him.] Seriously.


[User] She screwed up a room number six years ago, and you decide she has brain damage?

[Assistant] Transposed digits. Classic marker for number confusion. Means she has a lesion in her left parahippocampal region.


[User] I misdialed a phone number this morning. Must be contagious.

[Assistant] She also forgot to pee before your fake test.


[User] So she has a small bladder.

[Assistant] Shows an inability to predict the future.


[User] Also loCated in the left hemisphere of the brain, close to the parahippocampal region.

[Assistant] Means the damage is ongoing.


[User] Two subtle clues, six years apart. That's hardly compelling evidence.

[Assistant] I'm compelled.


[User] That's not what this is. Every time a decent person comes in, you set out to prove that they have brain damage.

[Assistant] I nEver said her deranged personality was a symptom.


[User] You don't need to. I've been here five years. I can hear your thoughts from my apartment.

[Assistant] Can you hear me now?


[User] Move onto another organ.

[Assistant] I did.


[User] The screwed up numbers and forgetting to pee points to her being a huMan being. The platelet dysfunction and cardiac arrest points to a pancreatic tumor.

[Assistant] Or multiple sclerosis. The brain is like the Internet, packets of information constantly flowing from one area to another. Plaques in her brain are like a bad server, slow down the flow. If it's in the parahippocampus, it'll spread to the brain stem, which means it'll be the lungs next. Brain biopsy will show you the plaques.


[User] Or we could not cut into her brain. It's just her pancreas. We should do an ERCP.

[Assistant] Well, we could settle this with rock, paper, scissors, but, unfortunately, there are people who adjudiCate these disputes.


[User] A pancreatic tumor is much more likely to kill her.

[Assistant] Not this week, not next week, not next month.


[User] The number confusions six years ago. You don't think we have time for an ERCP?

[Assistant] The heart attack was six hours ago. Now, maybe it's planning to go into hiding for a couple years, or maybe it's gonna hit her lungs.


[User] Stop! We have to assume it's the brain.

[Assistant] I'll go fire up the biopsy drill.


[User] No, we had to assume it's the brain until we prove otherwise. Do an MRI, T-2 images.

[Assistant] You want me to do another test?


[User] You should be able to see the MS plaques. If they exist, you can do your biopsy.

[Assistant] No. You wanna say yes. You know you should say yes. But you also think that this job is about standing up to me. So you're not gonna say yes. You're not gonna say no. You're just gonna waste time. And the Patient's brain, or pancreas, or whatEver is wrong with her is not gonna wait for you to impress your boss. So pick one, either him or me.


[User] Even magnified images of her hippocampal region, nothing.

[Assistant] This is surprising.


[User] So can we cancel the biopsy?

[Assistant] Go ahead with the ERCP.


[User] I need to talk to you about Remy.

[Assistant] Who?


[User] Thirteen.

[Assistant] What did you call her?


[User] She's on placebo.

[Assistant] And you want to change that. I'm the last person you'd Ever come to for ethical advice, literally, which means you've already asked Every other person, and no one's given you the answer you want.


[User] Or I respect your opinion, and I want to hear what comes to your mind.

[Assistant] Has she invited any of her lesbian friends into bed with you?


[User] I was mistaken. [He starts to leave.]

[Assistant] Drug gonna cure her?


[User] [turning back] It looks promising, reducing symptoms.

[Assistant] No cure then. So, the pros are you might delay the onset of symptoms, give her an extra year, maybe three. She's still dead before you're 45. The question is, are those few years worth risking the rest of your life in medicine?


[User] No.

[Assistant] There, that wasn't so hard, was it?


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] You're welcome. [Foreman turns to leave again.] Unless you love her. [Foreman turns and stares at House.] If you love her, then you do stupid things.


[User] The surgeons were able to drain the pleural effusions. The Patient's breathing on her own, but she's still pretty weak.

[Assistant] Lung failure proves that one of us was right. Who said "brain"�?


[User] Yes, you predicted that her lungs would fail, but the MRI was negative for MS.

[Assistant] I was right about the where, but not the what. A picornavirus could cause localized demyelination that the MRI wouldn't pick up. If we run a nerve-conduction study on the surface of her brain we'll see the dead spots.


[User] Are you talking about cutting into her skull?

[Assistant] Actually, I'm talking about cutting off her skull, exposing her brain.


[User] ERCP was negative.

[Assistant] [leaning over to hold Thirteen's hands] And she agrees with me because she agrees with me, right, sweetie?


[User] All we need is a more sensitive test. Endoscopic ultrasound.

[Assistant] [turning and grabbing one of Kutner's hands in both of his] Just accept that you've been proven wrong.


[User] [adding his other hand to the pile] You were also proven wrong. Why don't I get a second test?

[Assistant] Because if I'm right about the brain, then we don't have time to indulge your wrongness.


[User] [getting up to leave] Let me know when Cameron says yes to cutting off our Patient's skull. I'll be doing the endoscopic ultrasound.

[Assistant] Good news. [He comes the rest of the way in.] I don't need your approval for some crazy, unproven treatment. I just need to do a test.


[User] You wanna remove your Patient's skull.

[Assistant] Remind me to revoke Kutner's telephone privileges.


[User] I didn't realize that was an AMA-approved treatment for MS.

[Assistant] Not searParkng for MS, but what set it off � equine encephalitis. Turned a cool breeze of MS into a Cat 5 storm.


[User] I didn't realize your Patient was a horse.

[Assistant] There's been huMan cases.


[User] Not when it's 30 degrees outside. Transmission is by mosquito.

[Assistant] So she got bitten six months ago, or it's some other infection. WhatEver it is, it's running rampant in the left side of her brain. When I get in there, I'll get you the specifics.


[User] You're asking me to let you cut off the top of someone's head. I need more than, "I'll know it when I see it."

[Assistant] So you want proof before you let me go looking for the proof? This is the test.


[User] You have to give me something.

[Assistant] Cuddy's gonna love you. The Patient, on the other hand, is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually, this idiot will pRobably forgive you. [He leaves.]


[User] Don't worry about it. It's just the picture that came with the frame. You can chuck it.

[Assistant] Kid with a raging viral syndrome and three dead mosquitoes. I'm off to storm the Bastille.


[User] [looking at a vial inside the baggie] These aren't mosquitoes.

[Assistant] Fruit flies. Close enough.


[User] Acute viral nasopharyngitis? One of her students has the common cold?

[Assistant] Team's not what it used to be. On the other hand, Kutner ran his endoscopic ultrasound, didn't find peep.


[User] So disproving it's her pancreas proves it's her brain?

[Assistant] Yes. You used to do this job, remember? That's what used to pass for evidence.


[User] Now I do this job. You brought me three dead bugs and a runny nose.

[Assistant] I can't find you the proof you want because it's trapped inside her head. And the only way I can get at it is to cut it open and rip it out, which is apparently the one test you won't let me run. So either I do this, or I do nothing.


[User] What do you want me to do? Say yes just because you're House?

[Assistant] I'd certainly like that, yeah.


[User] Cameron actually said yes?

[Assistant] Nope, I'm just obsessive about clean cuticles.


[User] Sawing off the top of her skull and placing electrodes on her brain is insane.

[Assistant] Right, we should be retesting her pancreas for the umpteenth time.


[User] You're skipping steps because it's Cameron. You haven't figured her out yet, and you want to see how far you can push.

[Assistant] I'm skipping steps because our Patient is skipping steps on the way to being dead. If you've got a better idea!


[User] We should remove her spleen. Splenic lymphoma explains the damaged platelets, the heart, the lungs.

[Assistant] If this doesn't work, the spleen's all yours. [He heads into the OR] Unless I kill her, of course. Not only will this allow us to clock your brain's processing speed, you'll also get free cable for the first three months. [Sarah laughs slightly. House sits in front of her, wearing a mask but no gloves. He shows her a flash card.] What's this?


[User] A blue car. Is that part of the test?

[Assistant] Nope, my lease is up next month. You like? [She smiles wanly.] I'm gonna ask you a series of questions designed to stimulate left-brain function � logic, reasoning, pRoblem-solving. Or as my mentor, Old Ben, liked to call it, "The dark side." If we find slow areas, we know we found damage. We treat. You go home. Ready?


[User] I'd nod yes, but I can't move my head.

[Assistant] [showing another flash card] This pen is red. Its ink is red. Is all ink red?


[User] Cameron's letting him cut into our Patient's skull based on nothing but dead bugs and someone else's runny nose.

[Assistant] There are two pints in a quart, four quarts in a gallon. How Many pints in five gallons?


[User] [to Rachel] Okay, all right.

[Assistant] That's my old boss. [loudly] And by "old," I don't mean "former."


[User] Insulting me is not gonna make me go away.

[Assistant] You're not here. Obviously I'm not trying to make you go away. [He holds up another flashcard.] Hint � the answer is a number.


[User] Is she serious?

[Assistant] Well, she's certainly not funny. Put the phone down. Pick up the baby. Make us all happy.


[User] BP's dropping.

[Assistant] Get it back up. I got a whole stack of these.


[User] Oh, that is so annoying. Can you make it stop?

[Assistant] Baby's crying is annoying you? [to Cameron] What's her nerve conduction?


[User] 14.3. It's actually speeding up. But her BP's 80 over palp. We're gonna have to stop.

[Assistant] That doesn't make any sense.


[User] Please, turn that phone off!

[Assistant] Why does the baby annoy you, but no one else does? I mean, you're right about her, but �


[User] Can't dose her with anesthesia till the last batch completely clears.

[Assistant] How come the baby annoyed her?


[User] Her blood pressure's in the tank. I hope she lasts two hours.

[Assistant] What was different? Our Patient loves all things annoying.


[User] She'd love this conversation.

[Assistant] She's an earth mother, takes in the freaks and rejects of huManity and tells them they're a-okay. So what was different?


[User] Her head was open, you were asking her questions, a baby was crying.

[Assistant] She had low blood pressure. According to the laws of physics, low blood pressure causes light-headedness, chest pain, but not annoyance.


[User] Move your feet.

[Assistant] You decided to keep her. Thank you for telling me. You can go now.


[User] I talked to her. We connected.

[Assistant] You talked at her. You had a chemical reaction.


[User] Are you trying to annoy me?

[Assistant] I'm trying to explain you.


[User] I know it doesn't make any sense, but it was real. It was there. You want to hold her? [to Rachel] Come here. Come say hi.

[Assistant] [taking the baby] You think we'll bond? Is that cute?


[User] A little.

[Assistant] If I threw up on you, you'd be pissed.


[User] Your puke isn't as cute.

[Assistant] That's 'cause of your hips. If she would've just gestated a little longer, her stomach sphincter would be fully mature. But, no, we have to walk upright, which means that baby's head is too big for mommy's hips. And by the way, your hips may be an evolutionary improvement. So we've evolved to find baby puke cute, 'cause otherwise we'd kill them all before they became functional. [He freezes, thinking, then stands and starts to leave.] Bonding's over. I got to go see another baby.


[User] Plenty of people live perfectly normal lives without �

[Assistant] [entering] Spleen's fine.


[User] It's not her brain.

[Assistant] Of course it's her brain.


[User] You looked at her brain. You took off her skull. You found nothing.

[Assistant] Didn't look in the right part. Didn't look in the heart part. [He grabs the ultrasound wand and runs it over Sarah's chest.] In the womb, blood has to bypass the lungs, since they don't work yet. When we're born, we take our first big breath, lungs expand, and the ductus closes. Yours didn't. [He points at the image on the screen.]


[User] She has a patent ductus arteriosis.

[Assistant] When you get stressed, your blood pressure goes up and forces open the ductus. Blood takes a little detour, makes it leak from your nose, your stomach, your lungs, and, more significantly, keeps it flowing to the right side of your brain and away from your left. Which means that when you get stressed, you get unstressed. That's why you're so good with those annoying kids. And why, when your blood pressure dropped, you were able to identify Cuddy as an annoying huMan being. Good news is we can fix the heart. Bad news for the annoying kids. [He leaves.]


[User] I know gas is expensive, but I could've given you a ride.

[Assistant] Elevator's broken.


[User] Dana Miller, the cancer researcher. Spontaneous pneumothorax.

[Assistant] Awfully thin file.


[User] She just got admitted.

[Assistant] Lots of things can cause pneumothorax. Why don't we let eight or ten other doctors rule out the boring stuff?


[User] We wanna take this case. She's maybe five or ten years away from curing retinoblastoma.

[Assistant] (popping what looks like more than one Vicodin pill) Which would make this case attractive to anyone who has some vested interest in people curing the incurable.


[User] We have a case?

[Assistant] Did you just get to work?


[User] Am I in trouble?

[Assistant] Did you take the elevators up?


[User] (to House) So, steroids for asthma?

[Assistant] Yeah. Do a CT looking for hyperinflation to confirm. (The team files out)


[User] Come here. Look at this. Come here.

[Assistant] Adorable. Elevators keep crashing. Is Mercury in retrograde or what?


[User] Elevators can be capricious. Sometimes it just seems like they're out to get you. She keeps playing with the blanket. Why would she do that?

[Assistant] (walking back around to the front of the desk) Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?


[User] I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter. But then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter, because you drove the replacement elevator to quitting because, you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. That's just a theory.

[Assistant] You're wrong. I don't Even listen to you. Either do your job or go home. Leave me out of it.


[User] I am gonna do my job. It doesn't mean I have to do it happily. Doesn't mean I have to do it without resentment. And it definitely doesn't mean I have to do it without seeking vengeance on the person making me be here. Congratulations. You've officially dragged me down to your lEvel.

[Assistant] Okay. (to the custodian) Hey, Blue.


[User] Well, then, why are you a doctor? Why aren't you sitting by a pool in Fiji knocking back mai tais?

[Assistant] People act in their own self-interests. You're all here because you're happy to be here. Or at least because it's your best option.


[User] I'm here because I want to help people.

[Assistant] No, you're here because it makes you feel good to help people. Taub and Foreman are here because they've got no other viable choices. And Thirteen is desperate to make her life matter before it's over.


[User] So... you're happy to be here?

[Assistant] Does it show?


[User] Could be pulmonary fibrosis.

[Assistant] Do a biopsy. (The team files out. House stops Foreman) Foreman. "You've got to look out for the people you care about." That wouldn't have anything to do with you screwing over your clinical trial by slipping Thirteen the real drug would it?


[User] You said that would be stupid.

[Assistant] Does she know? Because Jonas Salk would not approve.


[User] Your belly's full of blood.

[Assistant] First her lung deflates, like me after a cold shower. Now her liver starts to bleed, like me after�


[User] You okay?

[Assistant] Great. Just practicing my clown college audition.


[User] We were in the GRC.

[Assistant] Lung, liver, go.


[User] Shouldn't you be obsessing over who did this to you?

[Assistant] Nope � anybody bother MRIing our Patient's liver for tumors?


[User] If you're not obsessing, you must have already figured it out.

[Assistant] Yes. So I'm obsessing about why you're not obsessing about why our Patient's liver suddenly sprang a leak.


[User] There's a tiny spot on the caudate lobe. Could be a granuloma. (He hands the MRI scan to House) Erodes into the hepatic artery, causes the bleed.

[Assistant] (looking at the scan) What caused the granuloma?


[User] Blastomycosis. Could have been asymptomatic for months. It hits her lungs, we give her steroids. It blossoms and attacks her liver.

[Assistant] Get a piece of her lung, stick it under a black light. If it glows, sick Parkldren who need her souffl�s can breathe easier. Foreman.


[User] Again?

[Assistant] (sitting down behind his desk) You have a pRoblem.


[User] I told you, I didn't �

[Assistant] Then you really have a pRoblem. The way she turned her head to look at the MRI... I think she's losing her peripheral vision.


[User] Because she turned her head?

[Assistant] I'm happy for you. A love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make any assumptions about your feelings for me, but I do have a birthday coming up.


[User] I hear Cuddy's SEAL training finally came in handy. Should I be investing in a flak jacket?

[Assistant] You're safe.


[User] No carpet bombing? No burning of Dresden to teach her a lesson? Well, since you're incapable of taking the high road, I assume there's some deeper, more long-term strategy in effect.

[Assistant] Cuddy's not playing games. She's not looking for lEverage. She wants pure, unadulterated vengeance.


[User] And your counter-move is to let her have it?

[Assistant] The only time to strike back is when I want something. All I want now is to get things back to normal. Which I can't get by escalating. The only way to win this war is to lose it. Let her punch herself out.


[User] Yeah, that makes sense too.

[Assistant] "Too"?


[User] I was thinking you actually feel guilty about taking her away from her baby. But your explanation's good too. It's completely inconsistent with your character, but whatEver.

[Assistant] Oh, thank you, rationalization Man. You have saved the village. You wanna eat? (He gets down off the exam table)


[User] (picking up the file from the exam table) You forgot your file. (He sees the name on the file) Dana Miller? The cancer researcher?

[Assistant] Not anymore. (House opens the door and exits)


[User] I did a free flap closure to avoid any scarring. She was lucky � the scratParkng didn't cause any brain damage. But the first thing she said when we woke her up was, "It still itches."� (He sits down beside Kutner)

[Assistant] Itch receptors are only in the top two layers of skin. Which means she's not actually itchy, she just thinks she is.


[User] Why do you have to quit to do it? If I want to do something, I do it. If you can figure out a balance, there's no burnout.

[Assistant] Thanks for the lesson, Deepak. The itParkng started yesterday, not eight months ago. Meningitis, encephalitis... (He snaps the Vicodin bottle shut and pops a/some pill/pills)


[User] So would a brain tumor.

[Assistant] Well, how 'bout we stop guessing and MRI her head instead?


[User] I don't remember demoting you.

[Assistant] (pulling a folded up magazine from his hip pocket) I brought you something. The latest issue of "Parent"� magazine. Really interesting column. Apparently, working moms are actually more engaged and attentive than stay-at-home moms. Something about personal fulfillment.


[User] (grabbing the magazine from him) That's just a rationalization by working moms to justify not being with their kids. Which is fine, if that's what they want. It's not what I want. (looking at the magazine) And this is "Nurses Quarterly."�

[Assistant] The point is �


[User] Where's your cane?

[Assistant] (heading for his office) Where are your coworkers?


[User] Technically, it can't still be that, because it nEver could be that. She scratched through her skull while she was sleeping. Unless she was having a dream about fleas �

[Assistant] (talking to Foreman who has just entered and taken his coat off the rack) Oh, hey, funny you should drop by. We were just talking about this Patient of ours. Tell him the part about where two of her doctors don't show up � (Foreman opens the door to leave) Where are you going? (putting something in his jacket pocket and coming back into the conference room) (to Taub and Kutner) Polyneuropathy. It's not in the brain, it's in the nerves. It explains the itParkng, the lungs, the liver. Shock the affected area, reboot the nerve � she'll be fine. (following Foreman out into the hallway) Foreman. How bad is she?


[User] (waiting for the elevator) She's got a tumor in her optic Parkasm.

[Assistant] You don't need your coat to treat a tumor.


[User] I'm going to the drug company.

[Assistant] To tell them that you compromised their trial, your ethics, and the Patient's health? That's a great idea.


[User] They have records on hundreds of Patients. I can ask them for access, find out if other Patients dEveloped tumors and how they were treated.

[Assistant] This drug inhibits cell death. I think I could take a wild guess at how I treat that.


[User] Stop taking it? Yeah. She tried that yesterday.

[Assistant] Oh, my God, it's been a whole day, and her brain tumor hasn't melted away? (The elevator arrives) If you get on that elevator, and it's only 'cause you're worried about getting to sleep tonight �


[User] (getting on the elevator) I want to be able to tell her this happened to other people, and they're fine now.

[Assistant] So tell her.


[User] I'm not gonna lie to her.

[Assistant] A little late for that. (House stops the elevator doors from closing) You need to wait. Because if this thing doesn't go away, she's gonna need you to still have a medical license.


[User] You gonna tip Housekeeping?

[Assistant] (looking at his watch) Get it from Cuddy.


[User] Don't tell me � she burned your apartment to the ground.

[Assistant] (holding his leg and sitting up) Warmth would have been nice. No heat, no power. Apparently Mrs. House called the utilities and told them we were moving.


[User] We've been paging you all night.

[Assistant] By all means, let's discuss the failed attempts to contact me, not the reason behind them.


[User] Patient started experiencing spinal shocks before the maParkne was turned on. L'Hermitte's sign.

[Assistant] Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss. (He pops a Vicodin)


[User] L'Hermitte's sign could mean Behcet's, B-12 deficiency.

[Assistant] No sores, no anemia. Where's Foreman?


[User] Could be another demyelinating disease. Why are you asking about Foreman and not Thirteen?

[Assistant] Because both questions are bound to have the same answer. Ebony and ivory are joined near the hip. Forget the brain. Look lower.


[User] But an aggressive spinal heMangioma could.

[Assistant] Go find it. You didn't answer the door.


[User] PRobably because I didn't want to talk to anyone. You can leave your stolen key on your way out.

[Assistant] I was looking for Foreman. I figured... (He pauses, noticing that she is not looking at him) You can't see. Where is he?


[User] On his way to the drug company.

[Assistant] (grabbing the phone off a table) Tell him to come back. I'll dial.


[User] If they can help.

[Assistant] You think that drug company has a magic tumor wand that no one else knows about? You need radiation, not ritual sacrifice. He asked for my advice before he switched you off the placebo. I told him to do it if he loved you.


[User] He only thinks he loves me.

[Assistant] It's the same thing. Yes, he's an idiot. You didn't ask him to do anything. You're pissed off that he did. So let him torch his career to pay for his sins. Unless, you actually feel something for the idiot. In which case, you might want to tell him to turn around. (He hands the phone to Thirteen who connects the call)


[User] What he does is who he is. And the same goes for you.

[Assistant] Slow down. Unless you want to radiate her heart instead of her brain. Of course, then your pRoblems would actually all go away.


[User] Thanks. I'm not beating myself up enough already over this. Entering the left common carotid.

[Assistant] (watParkng the monitor) You broke the rules. Girlfriend went blind. You gotta be ready for losing to be one of the possibilities. You're at the carotid bifurcation.


[User] I knew that giving her the drug would be bad for me if I got caught. I nEver thought it would be bad for her. Nobody else was having adverse reactions.

[Assistant] You did it because you love her. Ironically, you nEver took her into consideration. Can't wait to see what you get her for your anniversary. Catheter's adjacent to the optic Parkasm. We're in position. (Using tongs, he takes a small vial out of a box and hands it to Foreman) Nukey, nukey.


[User] Classic mesothelioma. It metastasized outward to the spine and muscles.

[Assistant] Ah, the irony of it. Maybe she wouldn't be sick at all if some other lazy cancer researcher hadn't gone home early.


[User] Where are Foreman and Thirteen?

[Assistant] Shouldn't you be saying, "Those weren't there when we scanned her two days ago?"�


[User] Mesothelioma shouldn't grow this fast.

[Assistant] Good rephrasing. Have Wilson do a biopsy to confirm.


[User] Mesothelioma doesn't bleed.

[Assistant] So what causes masses that do bleed?


[User] She'd be crawling with worms. We'd have noticed it. Gorham's disease and Kasabach-Merritt can both cause super-aggressive vascular tumors. (His pager goes off and he reads it) Patient's heart just stopped. (He takes off toward Dana's room)

[Assistant] So what causes that?


[User] We need to resect the vascular tumors, stop the bleeding.

[Assistant] Too late � no surgeon's gonna touch her now.


[User] So we give up? Just let her bleed out?

[Assistant] Don't be silly. You know what that would do to our malpractice insurance rates? We go on the offensive. Cut off the invading army's supply line.


[User] You're talking about embolization?

[Assistant] Cut off the arteries that feed blood to the tumors, they wither and die. (pushing the elevator button) Start with the ones in her lungs. If they get any bigger, she's gonna have a hard time breathing. So she'll have a hard time telling us she's dead.


[User] You can't kill the tumors without also killing healthy tissue. If we wipe out 3/4 of her lungs...

[Assistant] Let's hope that running marathons wasn't on her happy list. (The elevator doors close)


[User] (holding out the cane) I found this. In the, uh, coat closet. Where I hid it.

[Assistant] (taking the cane and holding it up to talk to it) Thought I'd nEver see you again. Little, little Greg. Yeah, you heard me right!


[User] You are who you are. It's annoying, but... it's not your fault. It isn't about you. I! I! I'm sorry.

[Assistant] Because you were doing this job perfectly until the baby came along.


[User] What? I'm apologizing. Can't you just accept my �

[Assistant] I accept. We gonna have to do this dance again in 28 days?


[User] What the hell is wrong with you?

[Assistant] Yesterday, you hate me. Today, you're practically weeping on my shoulder. I can only assume that what I'm hearing is your aunt flow telling me...


[User] When I was being a jerk, you suddenly act huMan. But when I act huMan, you turn back into a jerk.

[Assistant] Guess our cycles aren't matched up yet.


[User] This is your way of saying you accept my apology, isn't it?

[Assistant] Nope, this is my way of saying you were doing a crappy job before; you will do a slightly crappier job now. Everything keeps going. Nature of life. Nature of parenthood.


[User] Or this whole thing is just an act. And you've gone back to the part you think you need to play.

[Assistant] You should go talk to Wilson. Rationalization Man needs a faithful sidekick. Now, Rational Man needs to go save a life.


[User] House. If you're looking for returnable bottles, Kutner's already cleaned it out.

[Assistant] Damn! Oh, well. (Putting his cane in the waste can, he hooks an empty sanitary napkin box and holds it up) That means the only thing I'm gonna get out of this... Is a diagnosis. (He flips the box to Taub)


[User] So the nurses gave her pads instead of tampons. Is that diagnostically relevant?

[Assistant] Fact that the nurses had to give her anything is. Means she's bleeding from her uterus. (He goes over to the foot of the bed)


[User] Women do that. It's perfectly natural. Not scary at all.

[Assistant] She menstruating and, she's bleeding Everywhere. There's about a 3 or 4 in 28 chance it's a coincidence. Which leaves a much bigger chance that the diagnosis is ectopic endometriosis. She had a myoma eight months ago. Surgeons cut through her uterine wall. Every cut of the scalpel could have sent endometrial cells spilling out into her bloodstream. Some of them took up residence in her lungs, some in her liver, some in her spine. And like all horny little cells, they went forth and multiplied till they reached a critical mass. In the days leading up to her next period, when her uterus is supposed to swell, Everything swelled. And when her uterus was supposed to bleed, Everything bled. Yes, ladies, I am blaming her period. Granted, it's the worst period Ever. Although, frankly, not by all that much. Cut out the masses, she'll be fine.


[User] Can't do surgery until her cycle's over and she stops bleeding.

[Assistant] Well, let's hope she can hold out till then. In the meantime, get her a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a DVD of "Beaches"�. (He leaves)


[User] Dr. Schmidt. It's Foreman. Uh, actually, the trial isn't going too well.

[Assistant] You told them, didn't you? (Foreman nods) Well, you really had no choice... On account of being an idiot. They gonna pull the drug?


[User] I broke protocol. Her results are no longer admissible to the trial. They don't have to do anything. Anyone else gets a tumor, they'll put a warning on the label.

[Assistant] Gonna keep your license?


[User] They'll come after me if I attempt to participate in any more trials.

[Assistant] That's very decent of them. (He puts the wallet back into the pocket) Well, good for me. (He closes the locker door) I'll see you tomorrow. (He puts the money in his pants pocket) And the next day. And the next day. (He moves toward the locker room door)


[User] That wasn't your locker, was it?

[Assistant] It's a lock-er room. How else are they gonna learn? (He leaves)


[User] You doing anything Friday?

[Assistant] Taking a lovely young lady to the Philharmonic.


[User] That your way of saying you're having sex with a hooker?

[Assistant] Two. Can't create a harmonic with just one.


[User] Well, I was hoping you might be available for Rachel's Simchat Bat. It's a!

[Assistant] Jewish baby-naming ceremony, a time-honored tradition dating all the way back to the 1960s.


[User] My House at 7:00. It'll just be the rabbi and a few friends and some family.

[Assistant] Nothing like welcoming a baby into the world with a completely naked display of hypocrisy.


[User] There'll be plenty of wine and nice people you can quietly mock.

[Assistant] Wish I could, but I already put down a deposit on 16 crates of Jell-O.


[User] House! It's one Evening. I'd like you to be there.

[Assistant] Religious hokum, get sponge bath. Can I get back to you?


[User] Can I help you?

[Assistant] Just browsing. Thanks. Happy to be underaParkeving again?


[User] Running the ER is slacker heaven. Looking for anything in particular?

[Assistant] (looking at a file) Not anymore. Where's this guy?


[User] Why?

[Assistant] 'Cause he's my next Patient. It'd be rude of me not to introduce myself.


[User] He's a drunk priest who hallucinated Jesus.

[Assistant] Afraid you might have missed something?


[User] Afraid you're wasting Everyone's time? It's obviously either alcohol or exhaustion.

[Assistant] So you admit you have no idea which?


[User] I admit that I'm too busy to care who you're screwing with. (She walks away)

[Assistant] Don't thank me. Just knowing I can be of assistance is thanks enough.


[User] You went out of your way to pick him? This is nothing.

[Assistant] There are no small cases. Any guesses where this joke is going? Could be psychomotor epilepsy!


[User] Could be alcohol. Shouldn't we let the ER rule the obvious out �

[Assistant] Atropine toxicity, occipital lobe tumor.


[User] You know something about this case you're not telling us?

[Assistant] Why would you think that?


[User] Or screw with a hallucinating priest.

[Assistant] Both are possible. There's only one day to find out. Run an EEG for epilepsy. CT his brain for tumors. And go check his House Of God for toxins. Fourteen, hold up. (Thirteen and Foreman stop) This department is broken, (House sits down at the head of the table) and I'm not gonna take a real case until it's fixed. Job or relationship � your choice.


[User] What?

[Assistant] To put it in terms you might better understand, if you don't split, you must quit.


[User] The drug trial is over. I'm out, she's out.

[Assistant] Don't care.


[User] We're adults. We can handle this. You just have to give us a chance.

[Assistant] No, you're not. No, you can't. And no, I don't. Mull it over. You got until the end of this fake case to decide.


[User] Well, it's just a job now. The fairy tale ended a long time ago.

[Assistant] You're a wuss � part wimp, part puss.


[User] I have no choice. I'm part of the ceremony.

[Assistant] I thought you were already circumcised.


[User] It's one night for a friend.

[Assistant] What about the friend who has two tickets to Brubeck at the Blue Note?


[User] I thought you had an orgy planned.

[Assistant] I lied.


[User] Are you lying about the Brubeck tickets?

[Assistant] Yes, but only to save you from yourself.


[User] I'll be fine, and so will Cuddy if you don't show up. I'm surprised she Even invited you.

[Assistant] (wondering) It is oddly flattering.


[User] Nothing.

[Assistant] Cool.


[User] It's cool he's a Parkld molester?

[Assistant] It's cool the priest doesn't beliEve in God. It's cool that God did to him what he did to the kid.


[User] Allegedly.

[Assistant] You think he's innocent?


[User] He had honest eyes?

[Assistant] And you think he's guilty, which explains why you're dying to discharge him.


[User] If Everybody lies, that includes teenage boys.

[Assistant] Aren't we lucky to have such an interesting Patient?


[User] Had � there's nothing wrong with him.

[Assistant] The world's most boring case just became a page turner, you want to tear out the last chapter?


[User] You want to examine his character, go to a soup kitchen. We are done testing him for things he doesn't have.

[Assistant] (to himself) Bad news for Foreman and Thirteen. (He gets on the elevator, leaving Kutner and Taub looking puzzled) Case is over.


[User] We're not splitting up.

[Assistant] So which one of you is taking a hike?


[User] And neither of us is quitting.

[Assistant] Interesting.


[User] You were fine with Chase and Cameron dating. You obviously don't actually have an issue �

[Assistant] (to Foreman) You're fired.


[User] How long are you gonna keep this up? We know you're not �

[Assistant] Wrong. Again. In fact, in the last few weeks, it's hard to remember a correct call you made. If Chase had compromised his professional judgment to help Cameron, I'd have fired his ass, too.


[User] When my mistake blew up, you did Everything to keep me from contacting the drug company.

[Assistant] To save your license, not your job, and definitely not your relationship. So, badge. (He holds out his hand)


[User] Fine.

[Assistant] Why don't you see if you can find us a real case. (She leaves)


[User] Your toe just fell off.

[Assistant] Must be my lucky day. New symptom means the old symptom was a real symptom, and I get to keep our pederast priest after all.


[User] Where are Foreman and Thirteen?

[Assistant] They left. Leprosy can cause necrosis and hallucination.


[User] Why would they leave?

[Assistant] Because Foreman doesn't work here anymore, and Thirteen is mad that I fired him. Don't worry. She'll be back. (House puts away the marker and leans on the whiteboard, staring at it) She'll be pissed off. She'll want to take a stand. And then Foreman will convince her that there's no reason both of them should be out of a job. Leprosy's a bad fit.


[User] Why'd you fire Foreman?

[Assistant] I gave him a choice � split or quit. He chose neither. What about ergotism?


[User] He's giving up his career for her?

[Assistant] He's giving up this career for her. No, normal white blood count. Carbon monoxide poisoning?


[User] They're good doctors.

[Assistant] (turning around to face Taub and Kutner) Separately, they're great doctors, better than you. Together, they're morons. Go check out the House that they would've checked had this been a real case. And page Thirteen, tell her to run the blood for CO. And get the priest in a hyperbaric chAmber before anything else falls off.


[User] You can buy a shovel.

[Assistant] Let's see! How do I keep House from ruining my precious display of religious hypocrisy? I know, I'll pressure him to attend, knowing that he'll nEver agree to anything I actually want him to do.


[User] I didn't pressure you. I invited you. And there's nothing hypocritical about recognizing your heritage.

[Assistant] So you keeping kosher now, wearing four-cornered garments, slaughtering heifers to the god Ra? Wait, is that one your people? Do it all, do nothing, or option "C" � you're a liar and a hypocrite.


[User] House, for better or for worse, you are a part of my life. It isn't a ploy. It's a sincere invitation. I honestly want you to come.

[Assistant] Wouldn't miss it for the world.


[User] Chest pain wasn't angina. EKG ruled out heart attack.

[Assistant] So the good news is, he didn't have a heart attack. The bad news is, I apparently fired the only guy who actually knows what a heart attack looks like. So the Man of God who doesn't beliEve in God had a heart attack that isn't a heart attack. Do I know how to pick awesome cases or what? Could be a clotting disorder.


[User] Three different symptoms, three different clots?

[Assistant] I know. How cool is that? You two do an angio. (to Thirteen) You don't want to work, so why don't you just go get me a lottery ticket? The sicker he gets, the luckier I feel.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] I've been wanting to introduce myself. (He walks out) Are you really a virgin?


[User] You have to treat me. You don't have to beliEve me.

[Assistant] And before we treat you, we have to diagnose you. Not knowing whether we can beliEve you is making that difficult.


[User] Everything I've told you is true.

[Assistant] You lost your faith because a teenager got confused?


[User] Oh, yeah. God wants life to have meaning. Life's meaningless without free will. With free will, there's always suffering. So, God wants suffering. I got tired of that argument before I Even finished saying it. And Even if I bought that, what the hell is God doing? You know just the big stuff? The acts of God, the hurricanes, the earthquakes, the random killings of millions of innocent people. Then we better damn pray.

[Assistant] God, I wish you weren't a pedophile.


[User] No. Why?

[Assistant] Because there should be. (putting his finger on Daniel's chest) You feel that?


[User] Regional anesthesia is a new symptom.

[Assistant] Not if the chest pain is related to the numbness. It's not circulatory. It's neurological. Run a nerve-conduction study. And be careful. If you kill him, he'll be dancing with the dark one. (House leaves)


[User] Why the hell are you going to Cuddy's baby naming? (They stop walking) It's a religious ceremony. It's boring. Why waste a good Evening that could be much better spent in a drunken stupor feeling sorry for yourself?

[Assistant] Okay.


[User] Okay? Okay, you won't go?

[Assistant] Okay, your obligation to Cuddy is fulfilled.


[User] (heaving a sigh of frustration) Why are you doing this?

[Assistant] Why did Hillary conquer Everest?


[User] You always have a reason. It's usually a bad one, but a reason.

[Assistant] She's being Parkldish.


[User] See, that's an example from the bad Category. Is it resentment? The stork brought home a new baby, and you don't want to share mommy? Or you just can't stand to see others happy?

[Assistant] She's trying to play me. If I let her succeed, the terrorists win. (He enters his office)


[User] He'd be brimming with white blood cells.

[Assistant] Or we are at the back stage door of a Duran Duran concert. Hundreds of screaming girls clustered around. What does that mean?


[User] That girls like rock bands.

[Assistant] The presence of the fans indiCates the presence of the band. Different night � same band, same door. Now there's not a girl in sight. What does that mean?


[User] They weren't a hair band. They were new roMantics. The band already left?

[Assistant] Nope, the band's still there, still rocking out. When does the absence of the fans not indiCate the absence of the band?


[User] When it's 2009. There aren't any Duran Duran fans.

[Assistant] They don't make 'em anymore. If there's no infection, it's because there aren't any fans, no white cells.


[User] You think, his spleen?

[Assistant] Why do I bother with these great metaphors if I still have to spell it out? Yes, I think it's his spleen. Go get a biopsy. I'll try to get "New moon on Monday" out of my head. Why are you talking this time?


[User] (sitting down at the table) If I quit, will you rehire Foreman?

[Assistant] Why?


[User] He can't find another job. I can.

[Assistant] And you're willing to make that sacrifice for him?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Does Foreman know about this plan?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Well, if he's okay with it, who am I to say no?


[User] You think it's my spleen?

[Assistant] That's what they're testing. So if I happen to cure you, what happens then? You start thinking that God was working through me? This is some sort of miracle?


[User] Do you think I'm an idiot?

[Assistant] That's what I'm testing.


[User] Losing my faith wasn't a choice I made. It happened. It's gone. For good.

[Assistant] But if it can magically disappear, it can magically reappear, and that's what you're hoping. Your job!


[User] Sucks.

[Assistant] That's my point. You can make more money frapping decafs, and yet you're still ministering to the meek. Why do the lord's work if the lord has left the building?


[User] I've been with the church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill.

[Assistant] I detect the stink of leftover faith.


[User] You want to talk hypocrisy, what about you? You act like you don't care about anyone, but here you are saving lives.

[Assistant] Solving puzzles. Saving lives is just collateral damage.


[User] Yeah, nice try. I don't think you're looking for somebody to prove you right. I think you're looking for somebody to prove you wrong, to give you hope. You wanna beliEve, don't you?

[Assistant] Yeah, I want to walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees, but I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go forniCate with fruit. (He leaves) Hey, I was just talking about you! Not you specifically � whores and hypocrisy.


[User] You were right. I don't want you there. (They stop walking) It's a special occasion filled with love and acceptance, and the last thing I need is someone there who's filled with loathing and contempt.

[Assistant] Okay.


[User] That's it? You're really not coming?

[Assistant] I'm really not coming.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] You're welcome. Gosh, I feel so grown up.


[User] Which minor bugs?

[Assistant] Why do people suddenly find religion when they have kids?


[User] Fear of the unknown. Cornerstone of faith. I think it makes perfect sense.

[Assistant] So it makes sense because it doesn't make sense.


[User] The fact that you're railing about it doesn't make a lot of sense. You really got a thing for your boss, huh?

[Assistant] I've got a thing for my boss's thing. She doesn't have a thing! per se. I'm big on metaphors. What about you? 29 years of celibacy. What's holding you back now?


[User] Who wants a relationship with a priest?

[Assistant] Who wants a relationship?


[User] But he has pneumocystis, a harmless bug that's Everywhere and nEver makes anyone sick, unless they have a compromised immune system.

[Assistant] (looking at Daniel through the glass) So father Nietzsche has AIDS.


[User] Yeah, heaven forbid a diddler has job issues.

[Assistant] (now standing behind his desk) And you get brought up on charges. I've lost enough doctors this week. Treat him for AIDS. (He sits down behind his desk. Taub and Kutner leave)


[User] Don't you hate when they put the mushrooms underneath the cheese?

[Assistant] Your attendance is validating her hypocrisy. If she invited you to a ceremonial lynParkng, would you go?


[User] It would depend on what she was serving. Everyone's a hypocrite. Why are you suddenly so obsessed with Cuddy's particular brand?

[Assistant] Just making conversation. Would you rather we go back to talking about mushrooms and cheese?


[User] (pointing a finger at House) You're the hypocrite! You want to go! You don't resent this baby. You wanna be a part of it.

[Assistant] Yes, but not until her 16th birthday! in some states.


[User] This is ridiculous. You two deserve each other. If you wanna go, just go and act like a huMan being.

[Assistant] Wow, solid advice, except for two things. I'm acting like I don't wanna go because I don't wanna go, and! (He surreptitiously swipes some food off of the tray of a boy who is walking by) I am incapable of acting like a huMan being. (House takes a bite of the food he swiped and glances back toward the boy)


[User] I want my job back.

[Assistant] Love, sacrifice, deception, and now betrayal. This is better than a telenovela.


[User] What going on?

[Assistant] Well! either Foreman is here, as the two of you discussed, to beg for his job back in exchange for me dumping you, or! nothing.


[User] And you're not being controlling right now?

[Assistant] Yeah! Who's the controlling bitch now?


[User] You're an idiot. (She walks out of the office)

[Assistant] Well, either you can go after her and try and patch things up, or you blow her off and take your old job back. Welcome back.


[User] Yeah, he reacted by getting worse. Means it's not AIDS.

[Assistant] So went Satan forth from the presence of the lord and smote Job sore with boils.


[User] You think it's hyper-IgE syndrome?

[Assistant] I prefer the colloquial term "Job syndrome." Explains the symptoms, and my quote.


[User] This isn't gonna work.

[Assistant] Are you kidding? I've nEver felt more alive. Conflict breeds creativity. Go run the genetic tests.


[User] Any second thoughts about Cuddy?

[Assistant] Nope. But please, feel free to blather on.


[User] Raising a Parkld on her own is scary. She's just doing what you do, what Everyone does � trying to avoid pain.

[Assistant] Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is the placebo of the masses. If you're saying she's not a hypocrite �


[User] I'm not. I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisy so you don't feel like a hypocrite for going.

[Assistant] Oh, sorry. Continue.


[User] Are you eliminating symptoms?

[Assistant] We can know Everything.


[User] This is medicine not metaphysics.

[Assistant] Truth is truth. (He erases "hallucinations"� from the board) It fits.


[User] It doesn't fit. You can't eliminate a symptom.

[Assistant] I can if it's not a symptom.


[User] Well, what is it?

[Assistant] Not a symptom. (House leaves) (He stands beside Daniel's bed) You're not gonna die. You have Wiskott-Aldrich syndrome. It impairs your immune system, makes you susceptible to all the AIDS stuff without actually having AIDS. And you didn't catch it. You were born with it. Another gift from God.


[User] You sure?

[Assistant] Genetic test should confirm it, but it explains all your symptoms � toe, chest, eyes, skin.


[User] What about my hallucination?

[Assistant] Scotch explains that.


[User] But that was just a coincidence.

[Assistant] Coincidences do happen.


[User] That coincidence is what brought me to you in the first place.

[Assistant] You promised you wouldn't go there.


[User] Einstein said, "coincidence is a God's way of remaining anonymous."

[Assistant] A Woman in Florida said, "look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich."


[User] You didn't Even want to take my case. You didn't Even think I was sick.

[Assistant] The fact that I was wrong is not a proof of God.


[User] I'm just trying to understand how my life could completely turn around in a single day.

[Assistant] Don't worry. Your life will go back to sucking soon enough. Everything that happened to you can be rationally explained.


[User] You want him there tonight. (pause) You should tell him.

[Assistant] It's cold out there.


[User] At least you have shoes that cover your toes.

[Assistant] So it's tonight?


[User] Yep. Bad weather for it, huh?

[Assistant] Maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe your sister will decide the roads are too dangerous to drive on.


[User] Fingers crossed.

[Assistant] Have fun.


[User] (tying his tie in front of the mirror) Like House is going to find out we faked our breakup because of your shoes? (thinking) Go with the boots.

[Assistant] You gonna eat that? (meaning Wilson's breakfast)


[User] Did you just ask my permission before you took my food?

[Assistant] Yes we can.


[User] Adolescent genetic mosaic collapsed during a basketball game, presenting with persistent pelvic pain.

[Assistant] (reaParkng up to take the file) Fun!


[User] The parents haven't told their son that he could have been their daughter. They want assurance that you won't either.

[Assistant] Less fun, but still.


[User] That was easy.

[Assistant] (throwing a Patient file to each member of the team) Our new Patient, part girl, part boy, all Thirteen's dream date.


[User] Vitamins wouldn't cause pelvic pain. (There's a pause and Everyone looks at her) There's a note in here, we're supposed to refer to his testosterone shots as vitamins. His parents aren't just liars, they want us to be liars too.

[Assistant] I won't do it. (pause) You guys will though.


[User] My dad was the same way about me maybe having Huntingtons, it's �

[Assistant] Well that was your experience. Must surely apply in this situation.


[User] Right, boy with girl genes; I'm sure you're the first doctor brilliant enough to check for a uterus. He could have complications from the surgeries on his penis, that can cause pelvic pain.

[Assistant] Way to multitask, impress your boss and humiliate your ex. MRI's a waste of time. To continue the humiliation, go put a camera up his penis.


[User] You're Dr. House, aren't you? What do you think is wrong with our son?

[Assistant] (clearly surprised by their unannounced entrance) These people were just coming to tell you. This is better, don't have to worry about them losing their way.


[User] We think that he has a blind uterus, he should have an MRI.

[Assistant] (looking at Thirteen) Did you send them a text?


[User] Over the past Thirteen years, we've eduCated ourselves.

[Assistant] Well, who needs med school when you've got Wi-Fi? (to the team) Go schedule their son for an MRI with contrast right away.


[User] You just said an MRI was a waste of time.

[Assistant] So's arguing with them.


[User] (to House) You're okay with this?

[Assistant] (who looks bored) With what?


[User] That we're considering a diagnosis unrelated to this kid being a shemale. Assuming a coincidence like that would usually torture you, but you're completely unfazed.

[Assistant] Completely unfazed? You think I'm totally lacking in any fazing? The idea that I'm anything less than half-fazed, I actually find offensive. It greatly fazes me.


[User] He started testosterone �

[Assistant] Vitamins


[User] (continuing) A few months ago. That can cause autoimmune diseases like Polyarteritis and SLE, which can cause pericardial effusion and pelvic pain. So it is related.

[Assistant] Now I'm unfazed. Start him on corticosteroids for the autoimmune and Finasteride to block the vitamins.


[User] You want us to tell a sick adolescent boy that he's really not an adolescent boy. That doesn't seem simpler to me. No, just, (signing the consent form) give him the meds.

[Assistant] So, you have pain in one arm and both your legs. Does it hurt right now?


[User] No, its, when, I like put pressure on them. See, it hurts when I do this, (with his right forefinger, he pokes himself on his upper left arm) Ow, and this, (pokes himself on his left thigh) Ow, and this, (pokes himself on his right knee) Ow.

[Assistant] (taking the Patient's right forefinger and squeezing it) How about this?


[User] Heart's still working that means synapsis is still firing, we just need to get a message through.

[Assistant] Aaahh!


[User] What the hell is going on? (Close-up of House who looks guilty)

[Assistant] I think my penis stopped breathing; do you know CPR?


[User] Looks like your brain is Okay. Pupils are equal, round, and reactive.

[Assistant] I'm fine, other than the fact that my nurple is now purple. (to Thirteen) No wonder you broke up with him. I'm surprised yours are still attached. (to Thirteen) By the way, I can see that from here. I assume those are our Patient's lab results.


[User] The only reason you'd ignore a near death experience is you don't care or you already know why it happened.

[Assistant] It's called Vicodin, I took too Many. (loudly) Can I please get some information about our Patient?


[User] I don't remember you taking any Vicodin today.

[Assistant] I don't remember hiring my Mother. What causes the enzymes in little Boy George's existing heart pRoblem and pelvic pain?


[User] You didn't take any yesterday at breakfast either.

[Assistant] I don't remember having breakfast with my Mother.


[User] Protein lEvels are normal. This kid's depressed, if he's self-medicating with drugs and alcohol that would explain his symptoms.

[Assistant] Search the school; search the home.


[User] Seriously, or are you just deflecting?

[Assistant] Both. (He gets up from the chair)


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] (grabbing his jacket) Nowhere, I'm staying right here, so we can properly discuss this. (He walks out the door)


[User] (continuing) "A pain that tears and bites and will not bend, only when I sleep, will it end."�

[Assistant] Downer, and medically irre! (his voice fades out as if he's falling back asleep)


[User] If he's faking you think he's going to come clean because you said his name?

[Assistant] (to Kutner with his eyes still closed) Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time.


[User] (quietly to Thirteen) That is sweet that you're worried about House.

[Assistant] Unless the next stanza reads, "Hoping to fry my brain to death, I smoked some primo crystal meth,"� I'm not interested.


[User] You can't deny that this kid may be suicidal.

[Assistant] We're not here to make him happy; we're here to diagnose him.


[User] Well that would certainly explain the inappropriate responses. I gotta go. Okay. (to House while putting his phone back in his pocket) sorry, consult.

[Assistant] (about the drinks) When did you order these?


[User] You off bourbon? We can get you something else.

[Assistant] I came here expecting a burger. Figured I'd have to endure a little lecture on moderation.


[User] You nEver listen. So why �

[Assistant] Instead, I get a drink; a nice little serving of respiratory depressant on the day that my lungs stop working.


[User] You seem fine now.

[Assistant] You don't beliEve that I OD'd on Vicodin. You figure I'm on something stronger, and because you can nEver, Ever assume anything but the most screwed up scenario as far as I'm concerned �


[User] Funny how I'm usually right.

[Assistant] You think that I'm on Heroin. This is your version of a tox screen. Because if I am on Heroin; I can't drink that without risking another bout of not breathing.


[User] Well? (Wanting House to prove he's not on Heroin)

[Assistant] Goodnight. (He gets up from the table and leaves)


[User] You idiot!

[Assistant] Okay, I admit it. I have bulimia. I look good though, don't I?


[User] Heroin. Heroin! House, of all the stupid �

[Assistant] I'm not on heroin.


[User] (angry) I just caught you with your fingers down your throat.

[Assistant] I'm on methadone. Stupid product. Heroin without the high.


[User] Yeah, and twice the risk of death.

[Assistant] But no risk of arrest.


[User] You nearly died.

[Assistant] Today was a fluke. I nodded off.


[User] Right, you're safe as long as you nEver sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You want to detox from Vicodin? Pick something that won't kill you.

[Assistant] I'm not detoxing.


[User] If you're looking for something to help with your pain �

[Assistant] Doesn't help my pain, it eliminates it. (House tosses his cane into a nearby dumpster and turns to walk away. He pauses) My leg doesn't hurt anymore. (He walks out toward the street leaving Wilson bewildered)


[User] You still breathing in there? 'Cause if not, I'm sending in janitorial.

[Assistant] I'm not breathing, but it's strictly voluntary. Should've seen the guy who was in here before me.


[User] I know about the methadone.

[Assistant] (sighing) It's legal. I have a prescription.


[User] WhatEver doctor you conned into writing it clearly had no idea about your addiction issues � Your lack of �

[Assistant] He knows I'm in pain. What I put in my body is my business.


[User] You keep taking this, you could die.

[Assistant] If you'd said that if I keep doing this you could die, then it'd be your business.


[User] I can't sit by and watch you kill yourself. As long as you're in my hospital, you can't do methadone.

[Assistant] I'll send someone for my stuff. (He starts to walk out)


[User] That's it, you're quitting? You're choosing methadone over this job?

[Assistant] I'm choosing lack of pain over this job. (He walks out)


[User] (to House) Who was she?

[Assistant] I hired her to watch me sleep � make sure I don't stop breathing.


[User] Home nurses usually wear scrubs.

[Assistant] She's not a nurse.


[User] You hired a hooker to watch you sleep? That just can't (He stops as House walks into the living room. He looks astonished)

[Assistant] Surprisingly, hookers are cheaper. And they don't sue for sexual harassment. (holding up two ties) Which one?


[User] You, shaved.

[Assistant] The red one then.


[User] You have two ties?

[Assistant] (walking across the room to a small mirror on the wall) Meeting at St. Sebastian's today. Gonna try and talk 'em into starting up a diagnostics department.


[User] Sounds great. I just came by to check up on you. See how you were doing.

[Assistant] (Tying his tie in front of the mirror) I'm fine.


[User] Which means it's not scleroderma.

[Assistant] I have an interview, in two hours.


[User] Wow.

[Assistant] Hand over my letter of recommendation.


[User] Sorry, I haven't done it yet.

[Assistant] You have no right to sabotage �


[User] I was busy with this. (She hands him a sheet of paper) It's a list of requirements for your methadone treatment. Weekly drug tests. Supervised doses administered on a precise schedule, by me, or, one of the nurses.

[Assistant] Seems weird, getting my meds here when I'm working somewhere else.


[User] Yes. (pause) I'm offering you your job back. (She sits down)

[Assistant] I want a raise.


[User] No.

[Assistant] And a bigger office... but in the same spot.


[User] No. We both know this is where you belong.

[Assistant] Okay.


[User] Welcome back. (House starts for the door, then pauses and turns around)

[Assistant] (sincerely) Thank you.


[User] You okay?

[Assistant] I have issues with authority. You?


[User] We thought you were gone.

[Assistant] Cuddy missed me.


[User] And what happened to your cane?

[Assistant] She asked to borrow it for some reason. Patient dead or do I need to do anything? (House takes off his tie and loosens his shirt collar)


[User] It's not scleroderma.

[Assistant] Wow. Two days, and you've already got two separate theories. (House sits down)


[User] Which rules out scleroderma.

[Assistant] When did you two come up with this?


[User] We ran into each other in the lobby. (She sits down)

[Assistant] So, what did we miss? When I say "we" I mean "you," since I wasn't here.


[User] We've ruled out Zollinger-Ellison.

[Assistant] That was a dumb idea.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because it was wrong.


[User] Also toxoplasmosis, dehydration, SLE, various intersex disorders.

[Assistant] Oh, crap. (pause) This kid like energy drinks?


[User] But energy drinks don't explain �

[Assistant] Nice work. (He gets up and heads for the door)


[User] So, we're okay?

[Assistant] Why wouldn't we be? (to Thirteen about her shoes) Nice heels. (House leaves) This is all your parents' fault.


[User] Excuse me?

[Assistant] (to Jackson) Chug a lot of energy drinks before, during, and after practice? (Jackson nods) Your son came in here with simple dehydration. That's why he collapsed during the game.


[User] The ER treated him for that. It didn't help the pain.

[Assistant] That's where the energy drinks came in. They put a strain on his kidneys so he needed more time to rebound from the initial dehydration.


[User] Then why isn't he better?

[Assistant] That's where your idiocy came in. Before we could give him another glass of water, you two insisted I do an MRI. So, I go down a blind alley looking for a blind uterus. And my team injects him with contrast material. If his kidneys had been healthy, they would've filtered out the contrast in a couple hours. Since they weren't, it went around and around, Eventually getting absorbed by his heart, his liver, and his pancreas; getting in trouble Everywhere it went. Your son was fine when he got here. It was your freaked-out overprotectiveness that nearly killed him.


[User] Nearly?

[Assistant] He's young. A few weeks of dialysis, he should be fine. You gave birth to a freak of nature. (He turns and opens the door) Doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one. (House leaves the room)


[User] Starting tomorrow, you'll come to my office for your fix.

[Assistant] I'm done with the methadone. I screwed up.


[User] The kid's parents wanted that MRI.

[Assistant] I knew he didn't need it. I did it anyway. That's what got him sick.


[User] You just solved a case that no one else could solve.

[Assistant] I created a case. I played nice because, I was in a good mood because, I didn't hurt. (He gets up)


[User] You don't need your pain to be a good doctor.

[Assistant] (firmly) I'm not interested in good.


[User] You're afraid to be happy.

[Assistant] Why do you care if I'm happy?


[User] You're afraid of change. The one thing you have is your intellect. You think if that's compromised, you have nothing. (She holds up the dose of methadone) Just take it.

[Assistant] No.


[User] Don't do this.

[Assistant] It's already done. (He throws the methadone in the wastebasket and grabs a hospital cane which is propped against the wall) This is the only me you get.


[User] (holding out a file) Cameron brought this up from the ER.

[Assistant] Doesn't look like a friendship bracelet.


[User] It's Phineas Gage, the most famous case study in medical history.

[Assistant] You're telling me this Patient got a railroad spike drilled through his frontal lobe? (He takes the Patient file)


[User] Gage was a different person after the spike. Argumentative. Impulsive.

[Assistant] Whereas our guy became a different person after Chardonnay.


[User] He was sober when they brought him in. There's also the nosebleed, the collapse.

[Assistant] (to Foreman) MRI show anything?


[User] (smiling) Nothing.

[Assistant] Good. What fun would that be? So the tumor's not in the cool neighborhood. It's cool neighborhood adjacent.


[User] A well-placed tumor in the nasal cavity eroding into the brain could do the damage.

[Assistant] (handing the file to Foreman) Go stick a scope up Phineas's nose. See what you find. (The team leaves)


[User] Make this go away. (to Taub, as he prepares to put the tube up Nick's nose) God, that honker really is huge, isn't it?

[Assistant] Wednesday night. Low-down-blue-meanie versus the Incinerator.


[User] I can't.

[Assistant] Let me rephrase. Low-down-blue-meanie �


[User] I understand monster truck code. Do you understand "can't"?

[Assistant] Not when it follows "low-down-blue-meanie." Is the world coming to an end Tuesday night? Otherwise, Wednesday�(they stop)


[User] All right, it's not "can't." It's "don't want to." The fact is, I just don't like monster trucks.

[Assistant] Yes, you do.


[User] No, I don't.

[Assistant] You've always liked monster trucks.


[User] No, you've always liked them. I've tolerated them.

[Assistant] What are you hiding?


[User] Luckily jerkiness is a temporary condition for this guy.

[Assistant] No, it's not. We may be able to fix his impulse to say his thoughts out loud, but he always gonna be the guy who thinks them.


[User] But he's also gonna be the guy who doesn't say them. If he spent his whole life constructing this nice guy persona, isn't that as much who he really is as anything else?

[Assistant] You would argue that. You're all persona.


[User] I agree with Wilson. This guy's a Harry Potter. (House and Wilson look at him questioningly) The sorting hat was going to put Harry in Slytherin based on his nature. He refused, so he ended up in Gryffindor, through choice.

[Assistant] There's damage somewhere in his brain. Go find it. (Kutner leaves)


[User] Your tush is like the pistons in a Ferrari.

[Assistant] You're welcome.


[User] That was for my benefit?

[Assistant] You're 40 years old!


[User] 38

[Assistant] The administrator of a hospital!


[User] Dean of medicine.

[Assistant] People don't get personal with you. Except for me, and you dismiss me as a jerk who's jerking you around. (They stop at the elevator) But that guy can only tell the truth. And he prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie.


[User] So that was your way of saying I look good today.

[Assistant] You didn't get the slightest kick out of that?


[User] Just proving a point.

[Assistant] Anyone sitting here?


[User] Just my persona.

[Assistant] You know, it's amazing the way people cling on to insults. Or what they think are insults. (He takes a sandwich and fries off of Wilson's plate and puts them on his own)


[User] So that wasn't an insult?

[Assistant] I'm not suggesting that, like our Patient, you're hiding a dark, sarcastic core beneath a candy shell of compulsive niceness. (House has pulled a fork out of his breast pocket)


[User] I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to you.

[Assistant] Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice. No, I'm suggesting that you have no core. You're what whoEver you're with needs you to be. Okay, I guess that could be insulting. The interesting question is why. Why do you think the world will end in chaos and destruction if you're not there to save it? (He starts eating Wilson's lunch)


[User] Because when my parents put me in the rocket and sent me here, they said, "James, you will grow to Manhood under a yellow sun."

[Assistant] And why'd you lie about monster trucks?


[User] I didn't.

[Assistant] I checked your appointment book. You got tomorrow night marked off, but you didn't put down what you were doing. So you thought someone might look at the book �


[User] I'm playing racquetball tomorrow night, with Taub.

[Assistant] Why would you hide that?