[User] You owe me 106,804 Yuan. Or $100 U.S.

[Assistant] God, but you're petty. Okay, so! two options. Either we figure out what's wrong with this guy, or we figure out how to make this company profitable in New Jersey.


[User] Brain scans indiCate it could be Loa loa disease.

[Assistant] Ah, shut it off! Apparently we're allowed to do this now.


[User] Get out of here, House!

[Assistant] This diagnosis was brought to you by the letter "Y."


[User] I'm thirsty.

[Assistant] That's a side effect of not dying. Turns out your blood was getting thick and syrupy. Complexes of large, y-shaped antibodies were clogging up your blood vessels, causing your organs to shut down one by one. Now, usually with hyperviscosity syndrome, it's caused by an elevated blood count or protein count. Yours eluded us 'cause it was caused by antibodies from your rheumatoid arthritis. Now that they're being filtered out, the blood would be! a little less duck sauce and a little more soy sauce.


[User] So I'm gonna be completely cured.

[Assistant] It's not all about you. Your stock price will be completely cured. Once you sign this. [He hands him the paper.] It's a press release. It says that you're healthy, you're going back to work, and you're signing the lease that officially moves the company to Parkna.


[User] He just woke up. Dad, you don't have to deal with this right now. [House stops her.]

[Assistant] Ah, mm, yeah, actually! he does. 'Cause the market opens at 9:00 a.m. And this means a lot to me. You may remember me from the time I saved your life.


[User] Dad! I can't do it. If this is really about family, you will not do this.

[Assistant] Morning. Got lucky this time.


[User] No, you didn't. I made this bet so you'd stop actively trying to fire Park so you'd be neutral. You went out of your way to help her. She obviously earned your respect, passed whatEver test you�

[Assistant] I sabotaged her hearing. You do read the school paper, don't you?


[User] If you had sabotaged her hearing, she would have gotten more than a slap on the wrist. What you actually did was make her emotional and make the board members see her as a victim.

[Assistant] 'Cause the panel feels badly for incompetent doctors who nearly kill people.


[User] You know that Everyone on that panel hates you. You know the minute you recommend firing anyone, they start discussing how big a bonus to give them.

[Assistant] That's just hurtful. The fact is, winning $100 from you gives me more pleasure than winning $100 from her. Here's your five grand. [House hands him a check and Wilson takes it, surprised.]


[User] What five grand?

[Assistant] Just take it. Trust me. Found her sleeping in the Park. Said she ran away because her daddy didn't love her. And that is exactly what happened! as far as you can prove.


[User] Congratulations. You're not going to jail! today. But you do know I just can't let this slide. You need to keep up your rep.

[Assistant] Fine. Clinic hours. I'll double them.


[User] Okay. 12 hours a week.

[Assistant] No! Three times two equals six.


[User] And 3 times 2 times 2 is 12. I know about your deal with Adams.

[Assistant] Call Chase and Taub. Get 'em in here. The boys are back.


[User] This check is for significantly more than what I told you it would take to fund the department.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] You paged me?

[Assistant] Congratulations. You caught your boyfriend cheating that morning. You had a big fight. That's why you were late. You re-pitched an S.T.D. You haven't gotten two consecutive minutes without using the word "loyalty," which explains the anger and the low self-esteem, and the desire to feel pretty! after having been rejected explains the clothes.


[User] It wasn't my boyfriend. It was my husband. I was at my Lawyer's office signing the divorce papers.

[Assistant] Wow. I missed the fact that you were married.


[User] We've been separated for almost a year.

[Assistant] So! old news? No anger left? [He waits for her answer but she stays quiet. House grabs a baseball bat and hands it to Adams. He shows her all the equipment left around them.] It's all bought and paid for.


[User] Male Patient went into v-fib but shows no signs of heart disease

[Assistant] What was he doing when his heart decided to do the mambo?


[User] He said he was at work.

[Assistant] You're late.


[User] According to my calendar, I'm a week early.

[Assistant] Beard's a nice touch. Lets Everyone know that you're not a teenage girl. [Chase takes a chair and sits next to Adams.] Oh, now, you two make a cute couple. [Taub prepares to sit next to Park who stands as he approaches.] And you two! [faux stammers] It's not important.


[User] And I look forward to working with you as well.

[Assistant] He's lying, not just Taub! the Patient. These abrasions on his knees! they're minty fresh! about ten hours old.


[User] He got them playing flag football.

[Assistant] He said he got them playing flag football. I'm sure that's true if "flag" is a euphemism for "penis" and "football" is a euphemism for "entering a vagina."


[User] Everybody lies.

[Assistant] Speaking of which, how are your two baby girls?


[User] Wow, twins! congratulations.

[Assistant] [making a big show of "oops � wrong thing to say"�] Awkward! [normal voice] He knocked up two different women at the same time! At least he thinks he did. You have them DNA tested yet?


[User] Why would I? They look just like me.

[Assistant] But they will grow. Find out what else he's lying about. Do an exercise test! see if you can get him to go back into v-fib again.


[User] But we could end up causing another cardiac arrest.

[Assistant] Hopefully. Then we'll know what set it off.


[User] He means it's better to do it here where we can revive him than have it happen somewhere else.

[Assistant] The prodigal son has returned. [He hugs Chase and slaps his back. Chase stands there, impassive.] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go slaughter a fatted calf for lunch.


[User] It's his heart we're worried about. The test will monitor its rhythm so we can check for any abnormalities.

[Assistant] [loudly] I spent a month in solitary. You don't think I can keep this up all day?


[User] I have a headache. Could you just lower your voice?

[Assistant] [loudly] Chase and Taub are back!


[User] You want me to pick up an ice-cream cake?

[Assistant] I also think that Taub has brought his little Taubettes into work with him today.


[User] Why would he do that?

[Assistant] Because I didn't give him time to do anything else. Then I started wondering, who'd be sappy enough to watch them for him?


[User] They're not here.

[Assistant] What? I just came for a chat with a friend. What's that I smell, friend?


[User] I understand your confusion. I was eating a baby for lunch, and! [House looks under the desk.] I have a massive migraine. Will you please just go away?

[Assistant] You should pRobably lie down and rest.


[User] Yeah. I was trying to.

[Assistant] [at the door] Oh! There is one more thing.


[User] It's extreme and reckless. That's House. You get used to it.

[Assistant] [sticking his head in the door at just the right moment] Or I fire you. Look what I found! [He wheels in the Taubettes.] Kiddie-winkies! I wonder who they belong to.


[User] [jumps up and takes the stroller] Give me my kids.

[Assistant] No. I genuinely wonder who they belong to. I need a DNA sample. [He holds up a wrapped swab.]


[User] I'm not letting you DNA test my kids.

[Assistant] Already did. This swab's for you. [Taub removes House's cane from the stroller and trades it with House for the swab. He throws the swab away and wheels the girls to the far end of the room.] Fine. If you don't mind paying a fortune in Parkld support for some other guy's kids, no skin cells off my cheek.


[User] Myocarditis! viral infection weakening the wall muscles. We need to biopsy his heart to confirm.

[Assistant] Myocarditis wouldn't cause a seizure.


[User] Could be genetic! Brugada Syndrome.

[Assistant] Oh, my God. Two prodigal sons. Come on. Let's hug it out. [He holds his arms wide.]


[User] You really like the idea, or you just want to grab some hair for a DNA test?

[Assistant] It's a stupid idea. We would have seen evidence of Brugada in the E.K.G. [He looks at Parks & Adams who are slumped on the couch.] You know, this is! this is just messing with my feng shui here. What about over there? [Points to the wall where the conference table used to be.]


[User] A pheochromocytoma. [getting up and grabbing her end of the couch] Excess adrenaline can cause heart pRoblems and! seizures.

[Assistant] Boring!


[User] I'm sorry. I thought I was here to treat the Patients, not entertain you.

[Assistant] Would it hurt to do both? [flops over the couch back and lies down] Oh, this is much better! I said it was boring. I didn't say it was wrong.


[User] So I'm right.

[Assistant] Nope. You're wrong. Photic epilepsy! it's equally boring, but it has the advantage of possibly being right. Give him an E.E.G. to confirm.


[User] What exactly are they building back there?

[Assistant] A dream.


[User] He doesn't have photic epilepsy.

[Assistant] I know, because he has a pheochromocytoma.


[User] You said I was wrong.

[Assistant] You were wrong not to rule out epilepsy first. That only takes a couple of hours. Finding a tumor that's flushing adrenaline through his system is gonna take all night. Monitor his brain activity, start a continuous urine test and blood draws Every two hours.


[User] I can't! I have my kids! Wilson's leaving in, like, minutes!

[Assistant] Chase and Adams can do the test.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] For the massage bed. You and Park are checking the motel he was bumping uglies at for environmental factors.


[User] Where is the construction crew?

[Assistant] Well, I'm not gonna make them work day and night. So I chose night. [He spits into a mug.]


[User] It's not meningitis. His neck isn't stiff, and his mental status is normal.

[Assistant] He's only guessing. I'm talking to Taub. He can't say "my kids" until he lets me test them. Tell me about the love shack where he cheated on his bride.


[User] Lab tests show the bed tested positive for, uh, semen, vaginal secretions, saliva, and fecal matter, both huMan and animal. [Taub's face falls as she reads the list.]

[Assistant] PRobably want to boil the kids for a couple hours when you get home.


[User] The bathroom also tested positive for five different types of pathogenic bacteria.

[Assistant] Fusobacterium necrophorum was one of them. [He puts on his dress shirt and buttons it.]


[User] Yeah. How'd you know?

[Assistant] The bulge in his neck. The bacteria colonized his parapharyngeal space, moved into his jugular vein, causing a thrombus! Lemierre's Syndrome. Treat with amoxicillin and clavulanic acid. Take out the clot before it moves to his lungs and kills him. You have at least a trillion cells. You're gonna misplace one of them Eventually.


[User] We could be dealing with an alcoholic going through withdrawal. It explains his heart, seizures, and liver failing.

[Assistant] But not his swollen lymph nodes.


[User] Why are we stealing cable from here? We don't Even have a TV in our office.

[Assistant] I'm an ex-con, trying to adjust to a world that's passed me by. Stealing's all I know! that and the fact that I was right about what's wrong with our Patient. Just wrong about what?


[User] Cultures take time, and his liver doesn't have much left.

[Assistant] That's why we're gonna blast him with broad-spectrum antibiotics.


[User] Not if we get him a liver transplant first and then treat him with a broad spectrum.

[Assistant] [adding a toaster to his bag] And old team for the win! [Chase and Taub mildly pump their fists at each other.] Not that I'm keeping score. It's more of a grid where I assign numerical values to determine who gets raises, vacation time, and my respect.


[User] Some people think it's burning now. Maybe if Everybody didn't lie!

[Assistant] Aw, that is cute. [drinking a martini] I'm talking about your breasts. [She puts a hand up to pull the neck of her dress closed.] They always get perky when you're being painfully earnest. Truth. It's uncomfortable, isn't it? More truth! I only noticed because Chase was staring at them. [He sits at the table and continues.] He'd nEver admit it, because he doesn't want to offend you. Same reason he'd nEver tell you that he's thought about having sex with you. Although, to be fair, Every Man you've Ever met has thought about having sex with you. They'll lie, because if you knew! you pRobably wouldn't want to have sex with them. And that's just some of the lies from the last minute. And here's a bigger one! you already know this, but you pretend you don't because it makes you feel civilized. Most people find it easier to ignore the truth. Ask Taub. Our Patient can't wait for a transplant that's nEver gonna come. We need to get reckless and extreme. C.T. his liver, find the damaged area, and cut it out. Hopefully, what's left will be enough so we can start treatment with broad-spectrum antibiotics.


[User] Liver function has improved 30%! buys us a few extra days before he'll need a transplant.

[Assistant] Interesting question is, why is it regenerating? And scene. Now we're back to boring reality reality. His liver was in shock before. He's been having an allergic reaction since he got here.


[User] We need to run a scratch test to find out what set it off.

[Assistant] Or who. This all started when he cheated on his wife.


[User] He's allergic to a person?

[Assistant] Or something she's wearing! makeup, perfume, birth control method, her "Hello Kitty" doll. Two of you go find her and find out what. Two of you start treatment with corticosteroids and epinephrine while you run the scratch test.


[User] Is Everyone trying to think of an answer? Or is Everyone afraid to say

[Assistant] I take it you're in the latter Category.


[User] There's no treatment for it.

[Assistant] [clicks his pen a few times] It fits. Case closed. Why don't you go home and get some sleep?


[User] I nEver heard of a neurological pRoblem that causes someone's skin to fall off.

[Assistant] Because there isn't one. The aneurysm is just another symptom. It's not the cause. You add them all together, we get! [He waits, but the team doesn't answer.] We get Kaw! Kawas! Kawas! [exasperated] It's Kawasaki's Disease. It's autoimmune.


[User] Yes, we knew what "kawah" meant. We just figured since it basically presents only in Asian Parkldren!

[Assistant] Which you might have, by the way. Which is basically why we missed it. Rug burns! certain carpet-cleaning chemicals have been linked to it. Start treatment with intravenous immunoglobulin. Monitor the aneurysm. If it doesn't resolve itself we'll have to repair it. [addressing Taub, Adams and Park on his way out] The rest of you! aren't surfing enough.


[User] Monkey DNA! nice touch.

[Assistant] Really? You don't think I should have gone with rat? I've been second-guessing myself all day.


[User] Where are the DNA results? [He reaches for the folder House is holding but House jerks them out of the way.]

[Assistant] First admit that I was right.


[User] You Manipulated me into doing it.

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll admit to that. Now you admit that it was incredibly easy, because you can't cheat an honest Man.


[User] I love them. I don't care if one of them isn't biologically mine.

[Assistant] What about both? Could be. Haven't read these. Now say I was right.


[User] No. I'll admit I was weak for a moment, but I'm not doing this. I don't care.

[Assistant] You do, and I'll prove it. I will shred this. I will call off my pool, return the money, and we'll forget all about it. Or we'll go to the light box in the lab and know the truth once and for all.


[User] A hot tub would be cool.

[Assistant] New team, old team! I present! Phase one of Operation Outer Office 2.0.


[User] Nothing's changed.

[Assistant] Oh, Everything has changed.


[User] Head CT and cerebral angiogram are normal. Clotting parameters are normal.

[Assistant] You're forgetting the wrinkly clump in the middle of his shirt. Thought we'd diagnose the middle-aged clown first.


[User] (looking at House) It's pRobably from my seat belt.

[Assistant] Wrinkle pattern's too varied. It looks like someone shoved you or grabbed you.


[User] (trying to ignore House) PRobably from the diaper bag. If the Patient's using drugs, cocaine could have caused an arterial spasm in his brain.

[Assistant] The tox screen was clean. I'm gonna say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on, not the ex-wife you cheated with. If the latter was prone to violence, you'd have been scattered in various dumpsters years ago.


[User] The Patient was punched in the groin. Could have triggered a massive sympathetic discharge.

[Assistant] Carotid duplex is normal. Who's better qualified to be the daddy? The guy who spilled a little DNA in her gene pool or the guy who's gonna be there day and night to pass on important values like, not shtupping mommy after the divorce?


[User] Thank you?

[Assistant] Makes sense. Park's tiger mom and dad were so insufferable, she has to measure their affection in hours. Chase's careerist dad and alcoholic mom were so indifferent, he has to beliEve it's a wash. (looking at Adams) Your turn. What did your screwed-up parents do to screw up your view of parenting?


[User] They were good parents.

[Assistant] That's an oxymoron. Chase is right. All parents screw up all Parkldren. He's also dreAmy, but it's not relevant now.


[User] So all parents screw up all Parkldren, but it makes some huge difference if I keep my daughter here or let her move? (returning to the case) Endocarditis. Flipped a piece of vegetation into his brain, which could have broken up before the angiogram.

[Assistant] Transesophageal echo to confirm. Screwed up is your best case. Bouncing between a philandering workaholic dad and an embittered, sexually betrayed mom, it's gonna lead to screwed-up squared.


[User] I need treatment for my type 2 diabetes.

[Assistant] There is absolutely no part of that sentence that is true.


[User] I've been experiencing weight gain, fatigue, and sluggishness.

[Assistant] Weight loss is a symptom of diabetes. Fatigue is a symptom of thinking you have disease you don't actually have, and sluggishness is a synonym of fatigue.


[User] I need Insulin. I know it.

[Assistant] Much as I'd like to kill you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, murder violates my parole.


[User] (pointing to the printout of his test results) That bloodwork is week's old. Test me again.

[Assistant] I am the test. The test is negative. The test also thinks you're a giant pain in the ass. That last insult was your cue to leave.


[User] (pulling up his sleEve) Test me.

[Assistant] Fine. Wait right here.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] (to a nurse) Sleep study. Please make sure he's not disturbed for the next eight hours.


[User] We need to talk about Saturday night.

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no. Historians will talk of Saturday night, not us. The legendary night, on which we watch Santos shatter Rubio's jaw and you epically pay me $50.00.


[User] I have a chance to really watch it. A Patient of mine has a pair of tickets he can't use, and obviously you're under House and office arrest. I just wanted to make sure you were cool if I go to Atlantic City without you.

[Assistant] Uh, no, thanks. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to decline your invitation to not spend Saturday night with you.


[User] These are ringside seats.

[Assistant] Cameras are ringside too. If you want, I could sweat and spit and bleed on you from time to time.


[User] I'd take you if I could.

[Assistant] Well, I'd take me if either of us could. See what a tough spot I'm in?


[User] I'm going to that fight.

[Assistant] All right, I'll take the other ticket. Let me worry about logistics.


[User] Patient's heart valves are normal. It's not endocarditis. But he has a thickened pericardium, which makes no sense.

[Assistant] He has a heart pRoblem but not one that could have caused his T.I.A.


[User] Syph test was negative. Plus, the kid's nEver been sexually active.

[Assistant] Yeah, I got that from the line in his chart that says "birthday clown."


[User] Histoplasmosis?

[Assistant] He's not immuno-compromised. (to Taub) And I assume you added that irrelevant tidbit because you're moved by the son's idiotic tribute and think it justifies keeping your daughter in New Jersey.


[User] I mentioned it because!

[Assistant] Take your time. We'll continue with the medicine.


[User] Sjogren's could have given him chronic pericarditis and cerebral arteritis.

[Assistant] Sjogren's it is. IV immunosuppressants to treat. (looking at Taub) Anything?


[User] What are you doing with her?

[Assistant] "Her"? Surely this bundle of fun has an actual name.


[User] I wasn't in a strong negotiating position. (to House) Why is she here?

[Assistant] Ruby dropped her off. Seemed pretty upset. Apparently someone forgot that it was daddy's night. She wasn't Even gonna leave her until I said that I was letting you off early.


[User] Patient has low platelets. Makes me think D.I.C.

[Assistant] She doesn't seem to like that idea. You're right. (speaking baby talk) He has no sParkstocytes in his smear. (Chase grins)


[User] No Grey-Turner's sign.

[Assistant] (to Taub) She wasn't fussing like that when I was holding her. Maybe she likes the sound of my voice, which is weird because I have no genetic connection to her. (he stands) Could it be, she doesn't know the difference?


[User] So Many Parkldren of your own. No wonder you have such insight into my relationship with my babies.

[Assistant] Good point. How could I comprehend that you're too despised to keep them from having the same name, too overwhelmed to remember your own calendar, and too vain to admit that at this stage, you don't matter to either baby.


[User] Low white count suggests infection.

[Assistant] What if you're all right? Low platelets plus low red count plus low white count equals!


[User] Aplastic anemia.

[Assistant] Kid needs a bone marrow transplant. Everyone except Adams, transfuse his platelets till you find a match. (to Adams) You started college a semester late because you left high school a semester late because (he pulls a small note our of his breast pocket and reads it) you had five incompletes in your junior year.


[User] And you're offering one bad semester as proof that my parents screwed me up?

[Assistant] Did okay before that. Straight As after that.


[User] I went through a rebellious phase.

[Assistant] Don't tell me. Mom and dad were at each other's throats and the academic crisis was a cry for help.


[User] (looking back at House) I'm in a meeting.

[Assistant] Sorry. Since you paged me, I didn't want to keep you waiting.


[User] Yeah, I paged you, which means you're next.

[Assistant] That's cool. I'll wait.


[User] (taking a large envelope from his desk) Just got this. The American Association of Rheumatology wants you to speak, 9:00, Saturday, in Atlantic City. Dr. Neusinger canceled on them at the last minute.

[Assistant] I hate conferences.


[User] This is a big one, and it's the premium slot. I'd like you to do it. I'll clear it with your parole Officer. What do I need to do for you?

[Assistant] Halve the clinic hours that you recently doubled and double the hooker budget that you recently halved. I think you refer to it as petty cash.


[User] Fine. Just one thing. I'm gonna ask them to put you on in the morning. We're doing them a favor. Why should you have to spend the night?

[Assistant] You said that 9:00 was the premium slot. I mean, I want to feel like I've earned my hookers.


[User] The place will be a madHouse, especially since it's two miles from the Rubio fight at the exact same time. Nice try. You called up, pretended to be Neusinger, cancelled, and suggested yourself as a replacement. You go to that fight, you go to prison.

[Assistant] But that'd be redundant, when I have an angry black guy waiting for me to drop the soap right here.


[User] Test my urine.

[Assistant] Looks like I was wrong about my diagnosis.


[User] Yeah. I have diabetes.

[Assistant] No, but you're not a hypochondriac or you would have imagined some new disease after I shot down the first one. So whose urine is that? Diabetic girlfriend without health insurance?


[User] It's not a scam. I'm sick. Now I have swollen ankles.

[Assistant] The medical term is cankles. (sitting down on the stool) Is there some black market in insulin that I don't know about?


[User] It's in my genes. My old Man got diabetes at 50. My older brother, got it at 50. I just turned 50.

[Assistant] Well, it's a great argument if diabetes was a gold watch.


[User] No one in mom's family's a match, and as far as she knows, dad has no living relatives. It's been years since he died.

[Assistant] (reading the file) If the kid's dad died young of melanoma, how come the overprotective mom nEver took him to a dermatologist?


[User] Are you gonna test my urine or what?

[Assistant] Not diabetes. (turning back to Chase and Taub) Use cross-matched platelets. Try to find the Patient some blood that's closer to his own. And get the real story on clown senior's death. Mom's hiding something. It's a good bet that it's medically relevant. Apple juice. Easiest way to fake a spike in blood sugar.


[User] You realize I have to invite someone else to the Rubio fight?

[Assistant] Nope. No realization whatsoEver.


[User] You have a LoJack on your leg.

[Assistant] I was happy watParkng the fight on pay-per-view. You're the one who insisted we go to Atlantic City.


[User] Your biological father was a decent, God-fearing minister. The guy who raised you was a cold-hearted jerk. I'm trying to figure out why you're so convinced Adams has parentally inflicted damage.

[Assistant] You're trying to deflect.


[User] Now you are. You have to beliEve that Every parent screws up Every Parkld or you were screwed out of a decent Parkldhood.

[Assistant] My decent daddy of the cloth was also being indecent with my married mom. He pRobably would have taken other kids to the playground. It's not my fault. Bad parenting. (House slides out of the booth and leaves)


[User] It started with card games. High-stakes poker. Then my dad got into narcotics, at first just selling but then, using too, or he nEver would have gotten into the slave trade. Parkldren mostly. Easier to pack in small crates. Plus the shipping's a lot cheaper.

[Assistant] (from the phone) Won't Even trust a co-worker. What did your parents do to you?


[User] It means you don't have to make that drive. The pRoblem isn't his marrow. It's his liver.

[Assistant] Liver failure. Explains Everything. The question is, what explains the liver failure?


[User] It's not an infection. We tried antibiotics, but he's not responding.

[Assistant] More curiously, what explains the mom lying about dad pushing up squirting daisies?


[User] Why are you looking at her?

[Assistant] 'Cause I'm stunned, and I have to look at something. Match, bout, fight, contest, day, Helena. Almost anything works after "boxing," except the word "game."


[User] Huh huh.

[Assistant] Can you beliEve she used to work in the can? Nothing is tamper-proof.


[User] It's a synthetic pRoblem. His liver's not synthesizing proteins, so fluid is leaking out of his blood vessels. And mom's a selfish jerk. She traded up, married a Lawyer, wants to forget the lowly circus clown.

[Assistant] You're defending the father because you feel like a jerk for baking buns in two different ovens. You want to beliEve the mythical biological connection excuses being a Man slut. Ow! (to the workMan) I don't know why I'm starting to doubt your expertise. You do have a classified ad and a piece of metal.


[User] She Robbed them of 12 years together.

[Assistant] Or she ripped off the band-aid too late. That memory that she let son of Bozo establish is making him Chase his father's moronic profession when he could be living the high life in Portland. And I mean that metaphorically, of course. (to the workMan) This is where you dazzle me with your contingency plan. I see why employers are reluctant to hire ex-cons.


[User] Can't treat for both. One requires hemodialysis, the other a liver transplant, and we couldn't Even get the kid a marrow match.

[Assistant] Get the mom's consent to pump him full of protein. If it's a synthetic pRoblem, more fluid will leak into his chest and his heart will fail. If it's hyperammonemic, toxins will overwhelm his body and he'll go into a coma.


[User] Do you only like tests that involve the risk of death?

[Assistant] There are some slower, less conclusive tests, but why take that risk? (He hurries out of the office and down the hall)


[User] In here.

[Assistant] (acting surprised) Oh, my God. The water. This is completely my fault. (Foreman looks extremely angry)


[User] Dr. House?

[Assistant] Unless you're a locksmith or an electrician with political contacts. I'm busy.


[User] My husband saw you in the clinic. Wants treatment for diabetes.

[Assistant] My condolences on your forthcoming divorce.


[User] He keeps imagining symptoms, and now I have to make him these awful anti-diabetic meals. (She digs a couple of syringes out of her purse)

[Assistant] Since I have no intention of testing him, treating him, or cooking for him! (He looks up from his leg and sees the syringes)


[User] Could you write me a fake prescription for Insulin?

[Assistant] The advantage of fake prescriptions is, you don't have to be a real doctor to write one.


[User] Just tell me what's safe to inject in his thigh. His symptoms will go away and then I can show him he was nEver sick. Water?

[Assistant] Imaginary medicine is not my specialty. I do have an imaginary colleague who's just sent me an imaginary page. (He picks up his cane and gets up from the chair) Imagine how sorry I am. (House leaves the office)


[User] Lucky girl. Gets another sleepover with da-da. It makes a difference. Doesn't it?

[Assistant] (to Taub) Didn't answer your page last night.


[User] We got the Patient's eye back in place with steroid injections, but a bulging eyeball means it's not a liver pRoblem.

[Assistant] And mom's determination to keep dad away, Even as her kid gets sicker and sicker, means she's got more to hide.


[User] It's not diagnostically relevant. Let's let it drop.

[Assistant] You just lost my vote. You flip-flopped on parental rights.


[User] I've been trying to persuade the mother, but it's her son, so it's her call.

[Assistant] Well, that very evolved of you. Don't usually see Darwinian changes over breakfast. You made nice-nice with Phil. You decided that he'd make a decent father for thing 2 after all.


[User] Angioneurotic edema can cause rapid swelling.

[Assistant] Hey, we're having a conversation here. No abdominal pain. (to Taub) So that must have been nice, having Ruby and the baby under one roof.


[User] Swelling would have followed gravity.

[Assistant] Isn't that getting this whole parenting thing ass backwards? Aren't you supposed to figure out what you can sacrifice to maximize their niceness?


[User] And do you think I should sacrifice myself from their lives?

[Assistant] Just one life, until the other one's mommy meets someone nicer than you.


[User] Swelling that fast and localized has to come from the lymph nodes. Burkitt's lymphoma.

[Assistant] (to himself) Swelling. Cankles.


[User] That's not a symptom of Burkitt's. Are you saying it's!

[Assistant] It's Burkitt's. Prep him for chemo.


[User] Great. It's cute.

[Assistant] Cankles.


[User] I'm faint. I've been gaining more weight. I think I need a bigger dose.

[Assistant] If you double his placebo, he might drown. (Monroe looks at his wife) Also, you forgot to mention that your heart rate is slow.


[User] My! my heart rate is not! (House holds the monitor up for the Patient to see) 52?

[Assistant] The technical term is slow. Those awful anti-diabetic meals you eat, do they contain bok choy?


[User] A pound of it. Every day.

[Assistant] Bok choy has glucosinolates, which inhibit thyroid function and account for all your symptoms.


[User] So this isn't diabetes?

[Assistant] You have a bad case of irony. The food that you're eating to stop making you sick is making you sick.


[User] Hey, maybe I don't have my father's crummy genes after all.

[Assistant] On the other hand, maybe you're fat enough to get diabetes Even without 'em. (House leaves the exam room)


[User] Burkitt's lymphoma is fast-moving, but not this fast.

[Assistant] No rush. ICU stands for take your time, in Latin.


[User] Multiple aneurysms?

[Assistant] That would mean that Every symptom after his T.I.A. was a coincidence.


[User] Cholesterol emboli?

[Assistant] Bingo. Fits perfectly. Check the file, confirm that we did major abdominal surgery on him and then completely forgot about it.


[User] (angrily) No! (shoving Mitchell out of the room) Get out of here!

[Assistant] (to Mitchell) Wait. (approaParkng him) You sexually molested your son. Your walk, tabes dorsalis. You have late-stage syphilis, which you gave to our Patient, presumably 12 years ago, which also explains why mom is not big on family reunions.


[User] We tested him for syphilis. He was negative.

[Assistant] After 12 years, the active infection would have died down. Everywhere except the arteries in his brain, where it could hide out from our tests. (As House talks there is flashback of the boy hitting Ben in the testicles, then a computer generated graphic of the series of Events as House describes them) But when that six-year-old heckler punched him in his juggling pins, it kicked up the dorMant bacteria in his pelvis. The immunosuppressant's we gave him sent it into overdrive. The antibiotics we gave him actually started destroying the syphilis. But like pouring water on a fire, that led to a trail of toxic smoke and ash, which made his immune system overcompensate. SEvere Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction.


[User] (to Janey) Is this true?

[Assistant] Yes, Jarisch-Herxheimer is real. It sounds silly, but! Oh, you mean the! the! right.


[User] (looking back at Ron) I found stains on his clothes. He didn't understand and he didn't seem traumatized. I kept trying to talk to him, but before long, he'd forgotten, and he seemed! and he seemed happy and he seemed normal.

[Assistant] So you made daddy go away and you made sure junior had no reason to go looking.


[User] I was just trying to protect him, like I should have done from the start. (to Ben) Sorry. (She turns to Ron who takes her in his arms)

[Assistant] IV penicillin and anti-TNF antibodies, he'll be fine. Apart from the whole daddy-rape thing.


[User] We're not done.

[Assistant] No, we are not. Notify the dad's sexual partners. Notify his employer, his landlord. Notify the police.


[User] I meant the kid. We're not gonna tell him he was molested?

[Assistant] To make him miserable or to forfeit your license?


[User] To tell him the truth. He's a virgin. How do we explain the STD? It's a medical diagnosis. Screw the parents. The kid's our Patient.

[Assistant] I guess Taub's got a tough choice to make when the kid wakes up.


[User] Why is it my choice?

[Assistant] 'Cause you're a dad. How could the rest of us possibly understand?


[User] I didn't tell him.

[Assistant] (taking off his reading glasses) Your heart said he needed to know. Your brain knew he's better off without it. Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller third organ. That's why all parents screw up all Parkldren. Evening.


[User] ClEver tactic, pretending you're not interested anymore.

[Assistant] How could that possibly work as a tactic? The fact is, once I saw those incompletes, I knew your parents screwed you up. The details are just gravy.


[User] You're wrong. The only evidence you have is proof of something else. I ran away from home.

[Assistant] Because you had lousy parents.


[User] Because I didn't. All my friends' parents were divorced or having affairs or barely knew their kids' birthdays.

[Assistant] You envied their dysfunction.


[User] It was stupid. I hitchhiked to Manhattan, moved in with an older guy. In two months, I came running home. It took my parents years to get over it.

[Assistant] That's when you started to excel. You were making it up to them. Your parents screwed you up by not screwing you up.


[User] How does briefly wishing I was screwed up make me screwed up?

[Assistant] It's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to roManticize it. I guess that's why you wanted to work with prisoners.


[User] It's why I wanted to work with you.

[Assistant] It was a tactic. (he walks away)


[User] He comes in with straight knockout wins and we saw how a power puncher with a left hook was able to cut Rubio over the right eye in the tenth round of that last fight.

[Assistant] "Patuxent River Naval Air Station near D.C. was commissioned in 1943 by John McCain's grandfather." I'm thinking of going hang gliding.


[User] Pax river is, like, completely flat. I think that's why they tested the V-22 Osprey there. [Everyone stares.] I like naval stuff.

[Assistant] I like their oranges and lint. What looks like kidney disease, but isn't? [hands them files] And where's Chase?


[User] [enters with a blue file folder] Got a case for you.

[Assistant] [not taking the file] Smells funny.


[User] Patient had an idiopathic anaphylactic reaction. It stumped two E.R. docs and an immunologist from Johns Hopkins.

[Assistant] [picks up a red file] Patient went from asymptomatic to fried kidneys in less than a year. Stumped three internists and a department chair from Harvard.


[User] 14-year-old girl, intermittent attacks.

[Assistant] Four-year-old boy, consistently at death's door.


[User] This Patient died five years ago.

[Assistant] I didn't say which side of the door he was on. [With a flourish, Foreman drops his file on House's desk.] The fact that he's dead makes it more interesting. Four-year-olds do not die of Berger's.


[User] I thought it was relevant.

[Assistant] Death is a consequence, not a symptom. If it's not a symptom, it's not relevant. [He picks up one file in each hand, weighing them.]


[User] Shouldn't we be trying to maximize what we can save here? 14-year-old, your freedom, our asses?

[Assistant] [gets up] Right! save your asses.


[User] Anti-anxiety medications would explain it. If we keep her off, she'll be moody, but healthy. [In her room, behind them, Iris leans away from Adams and starts vomiting on the floor. Taub looks.] Or it's something else.

[Assistant] I need to DDX a Patient with you.


[User] I thought you had a team for that.

[Assistant] According to Foreman, they're only for DDXing people who are still alive.


[User] You have a dead Patient?

[Assistant] Bigotry is boring when we add modifiers. I don't see creed, color, pulse.


[User] Foreman will find out you're taking this case and he'll bust you. But you know that, which means! you want to go back to jail! because it's the one place you're unable to indulge your self-destructive habits.

[Assistant] Yeah, it's much more likely that I'm taking this case because I miss showering with Cro-Magnons than that I actually happen to find it interesting. Four-year-old kid. His kidneys died, they transfused. His lungs died. He died.


[User] Have you seen Bride of the Monster? I just got the Ed Wood box set.

[Assistant] What if the Parkcken was the egg? What if the lung involvement came first?


[User] I don't really care about the movie. I just don't want to indulge your!

[Assistant] Lupus.


[User] Because this is a bad idea, House.

[Assistant] If the kid had a rash or some circulation issue! [He looks at his watch.] Damn! [Wilson looks startled.] I just realized I'm late for my anger Management class.


[User] Spoiled grandParkldren.

[Assistant] Platitudes.


[User] Any others?

[Assistant] And I lose my temper when someone suggests that a handful of pop-psych catch phrases can control our most seminal, intractable, and natural reaction to a dead Parkld. [He turns to a Man who is slumped forward in his chair, elbows on his knees.] Am I right, Emory?


[User] I don't think Emory wants to share right now.

[Assistant] They blew it, didn't they? They missed your son's rash. A faint one, on his cheek.


[User] [quietly] He didn't have a rash. I think we should talk about Lena's grandParkldren.

[Assistant] They're alive. Was he sensitive to sunlight?


[User] Greg!

[Assistant] Cold fingers and toes?


[User] [sharply] No!

[Assistant] Wegener's granulomatosis. I need to examine your son.


[User] You're a bit late for that! you ass.

[Assistant] With you and your wife's consent, we can get an exhumation order. Find out what killed him.


[User] Ex-wife. And you'll nEver get her consent. She's moved on! new hub, new kid. She wants nothing to do with Drew's death. Or me.

[Assistant] You're angry because your kid died. More than that, because you don't have an answer. People need answers.


[User] My! my arms. I can't feel my arms.

[Assistant] At this rate, I'm gonna need to pick out a plot for myself.


[User] Thanks to your generous donation, you have all morning.

[Assistant] More like 13 minutes.


[User] Before we proceed any further, doctor, I'd like inquire as to exactly what procedure you intend to perform on the remains.

[Assistant] Have you Ever heard of the North American Man/Dead Boy Love Association?


[User] I consider these grounds to be a holy place, and I would ask you to observe them with due decorum.

[Assistant] So you're taking bribes to plunder graves, and I need to show respect. [Milton doesn't move.] I think they got the cause of death wrong. And if I find a hole in the cartilage of his nose, right about here, then it means I'm right.


[User] I prepared the sarcophagus for you.

[Assistant] Thank you, Igor.


[User] It's Milton.

[Assistant] [answering phone] You owe me a new pair of pants.


[User] [voice] She is pregnant. Test came back positive.

[Assistant] So! she lost the use of her arms and her innocence. A vengeful God? [He gets the lid off the sarcophagus with a clatter.] Or!


[User] [voice] MS.

[Assistant] [peering through the gloom at the body] I gather from the silence that Chase isn't there.


[User] Nope, I'm here. Where are you?

[Assistant] "Nowhere"! he said cryptically. I assume you concur with the diagnosis.


[User] Absolutely.

[Assistant] Even though there are three diagnoses? And MS and vasculitis usually get better with pregnancy.


[User] [voice] I met a Woman who likes her men well groomed.

[Assistant] All over? [He inserts a metal tool in the corpse's nose] I assume, from the silence, that Chase has had a Brazilian.


[User] Ouch.

[Assistant] Question is! is this really about a Woman? Or is it about something more profound?


[User] Another question is, could the paresthesia be caused by an STD? HIV-related mononeuritis multiplex.

[Assistant] [shining his flashlight along Drew's body] I gather from the silence that either you all agree with Chase or you're just staring at his emasculated brow. In either case, test for HIV and do an MRI to rule out tumors. [looks at his watch] And check Chase for testosterone.


[User] A vitamin K deficiency or scurvy could explain bleeding pRoblems, and pregnancy could exacerbate it.

[Assistant] Boys, do a home search. Girls, do lab tests. I'm pretty sure that's not sexist.


[User] Where have you been?

[Assistant] Picking up dry cleaning. Filling up the tank. Violating the dead. If you don't beliEve me, call the monitoring company.


[User] I did. Unfortunately, the Patuxent River Naval Air Station was GPS testing and disrupted the signal, at the exact same 45 minutes you weren't here.

[Assistant] Well, if I'd known I had 45 minutes of freedom, I'd have gone hang gliding.


[User] I admire the creativity. But what happens when the stunt doesn't work? Think you're gonna have to pay off a bet? Think I'm gonna triple your clinic hours? I'm gonna call your P.O., and you're gonna go back to jail.

[Assistant] There are Mees' lines on his fingernails, so now I'm thinking heavy metal poisoning.


[User] You're an addict. And I'm an idiot for thinking that your addictions were limited to pills, anti-social behavior, and sarcasm.

[Assistant] [burps loudly] Sorry. Vicodin repeating on me.


[User] You're also addicted to puzzles. You show all the classic behaviors. Lying, neglecting responsibilities, and you can't stop, no matter how devastating the consequences.

[Assistant] Working on a medical case is not a parole violation. It's my job description.


[User] Your job description is doing what Foreman tells you to do.

[Assistant] NEver mind Bride of the Monster. You need to watch Norma Rae. Before we get started, I just want to thank you all for agreeing to reloCate. Um, I had an appointment in this part of town, and I obviously didn't want to miss this meeting. But, uh, thank you. I'm buying. Not literally. Hey, Emory, should we, uh, powder our noses? Hey, did you know your ex-wife still lives right behind this place? She finishes work at 4:00. Picks up her new kid at 4:15. Gives us about 20 minutes. I made some calls. It's amazing what people will tell you if you ask rudely enough. [points to a picnic table on the back patio] Was that table here? [Emory nods.] Some kinds of pressure-treated wood can contain arsenic.


[User] We shouldn't be here.

[Assistant] We don't have a choice. This is the only way you're gonna get your answer. Does your ex leave a spare key anywhere?


[User] How did he look?

[Assistant] Peaceful.


[User] Ohh. He used to wear those stupid things all the time. Used to have to pretend I was scared.

[Assistant] Made in the People's Republic of Lead Paint.


[User] Back door.

[Assistant] [grabbing his backpack] Let's get out of here first. We need to catch the end of our class.


[User] It's getting hard to see. What the hell is happening to me?

[Assistant] Rubbing alcohol, vinegar. [He inspects the next bottle.] Not sure what this is.


[User] Aren't there actual medical tests?

[Assistant] Dead Patients usually get a lower standard of care. Pink means lead. Orange means mercury. And rust means arsenic.


[User] And what's brown mean?

[Assistant] Scotch.


[User] He used to call him "Deezer." He couldn't say "zebra." He'd have his own words for Everything. We called 'em "Drewisms."

[Assistant] How does your ex-wife do it? How come she's not! angry and miserable?


[User] The original script was!

[Assistant] Shh, shh, shh.


[User] [on screen] Anyone notice!

[Assistant] [pointing at the computer] He's enlightening us.


[User] So you just wanted to look pretty on TV.

[Assistant] Question is, why did he want that? [looks at his watch] Clinic time.


[User] What do you want us to do?

[Assistant] MRA 4 TIA. ROFL.


[User] Thought you only had clinic on Tuesdays.

[Assistant] Oh, you're right. [leaves anyway]


[User] Hi. I'm here for the free flu shot. I got a call saying!

[Assistant] I'm here to find out why you didn't care about your first kid. Losing a Parkld! just breezed right through it.


[User] How do you know about my first kid!

[Assistant] Didn't Even squeeze out a single tear at the funeral.


[User] Where are you getting this?

[Assistant] You couldn't wait to squeeze out a brand-new replacement kid. Damn it.


[User] You had no right to say that.

[Assistant] I know. I deserved the slap. But I was hoping that you weren't capable of it. Apathetic hyperthyroidism. Could have kidney involvement. Could be genetic. Definitely causes apathy. I was hoping that your lack of emotion was a symptom of something you could have passed on to your first son.


[User] [She figures it out.] You know Emory.

[Assistant] We belong to the same club.


[User] He wants to relive this. I don't.

[Assistant] So I heard.


[User] [uncomfortable] Emory was a wonderful Man. NEver afraid to show his emotions. Which is great, most of the time. But when Drew died! it overwhelmed him. I vowed I wouldn't let that happen to me.

[Assistant] So that's why you left him?


[User] I left because of his eyes. He had Drew's eyes.

[Assistant] Who used to babysit Drew?


[User] My father, but!

[Assistant] His place or yours?


[User] There are two types of people. Those who can move on, and those who can't. My father keeps up a good front, but he's just like Emory. You need to leave him alone.

[Assistant] So he has two types of people inside of him. MRA was normal.


[User] Yeah, how did!

[Assistant] [to Iris] I found out where your boyfriend lives. When I paid him a visit, he took off. Ran in front of a car.


[User] You're lying.

[Assistant] He's down in the E.R. right now.


[User] Iris!

[Assistant] How do you know I'm lying? How do you know your boyfriend's okay?


[User] Foreman's not gonna back down.

[Assistant] He's not an idiot.


[User] Yes, he is. Just like you. If you keep being stubborn, he will keep being stubborn. Eventually, you will screw something up. Which will be bad news for both of you. But! only one of you will be in prison. It just isn't worth it, House.

[Assistant] [quietly] Okay. Uh, y-yes, sir. I! yes, I know I told you that I had a Parkropractor's appointment, but, uh, I got a flat. I know, right? So! [He reaches the porch and rings the doorbell.] !you know, don't send out the marines. I should be back on the road in a few minutes. Okay bye. [He hangs up. A Man in his 60s opens the door.] Dr. Wilson, County Coroner. I'd like to ask you about your grandson, Drew Lemaine. What did he do when he was here? Where did he play? What did he eat?


[User] We watched lot of TV. And ate biscuits.

[Assistant] Did you give him sidewalk chalk?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Finger paints?


[User] No!

[Assistant] A sandbox?


[User] It's like I said. We watched a lotta TV.

[Assistant] You expecting someone?


[User] I told you to leave him alone, you son of a bitch!

[Assistant] Temper trigger.


[User] I'm not seeing an embryo anywhere.

[Assistant] Which idiot did the pregnancy test?


[User] I did one of them. Chase did another. Taub did a third. Three tests, three positives. What happened to your eye?

[Assistant] I grabbed Park's ass. Exoplanets.


[User] Wait for it!

[Assistant] We can't actually see them! but we infer their existence because of the effect they have on the star they orbit.


[User] Occult choriocarcinoma, which is why we didn't see it on the ultrasound.

[Assistant] Tell all the alters that they have cancer. [walks away]


[User] Mom or dad?

[Assistant] Mom, dad, and mom's dad. The good news is, made me realize that you were right. I can't drop it. But now that I accept that, I feel much less conflicted. I've ruled out Wegener's, Berger's, heavy metal poison!


[User] Two trains are about to collide, and I'm trying to talk them out of it.

[Assistant] Feels like I'm missing something.


[User] No, no. You don't want to listen to me, then I don't want to listen to you.

[Assistant] That is so fifth grade.


[User] [sitting up] I agree. And you know why? Because I'm just as bad as you. I knew this would fall on deaf ears, but I just kept talking and talking.

[Assistant] You're right.


[User] You don't Even know what I just said.

[Assistant] That is ridiculous. You said, "blah blah blah blah blah, deaf ears, blah blah blah blah blah." Absolutely essential information. [He leaves.]


[User] You? You brought him.

[Assistant] I asked him to meet me here for a family reunion.


[User] Let's just get out of here, okay?

[Assistant] I know what killed your son.


[User] You don't get it, do you? I don't care what killed him!

[Assistant] It's called Alport syndrome. It's a genetic condition characterized by kidney failure, bronParkal myomas, Mees' lines, and deafness.


[User] [trying to get him away] House, House!

[Assistant] It's a genetic condition!


[User] Shut up!

[Assistant] [loudly and enunciating each syllable] Genetic! [Ray and Mickey look at each other as what House said sinks in.] Your father has the gene. So do you. It's grandpa's slight deafness that gave the game away. You're apparently asymptomatic. You could still pass the gene onto your Parkldren. Plural.


[User] [holding her son who has his face buried in her leg] You're lying.

[Assistant] [gently] He has high-frequency hearing impairment. [Mickey looks down at her son who has not moved.] And so did Drew. That's why Drew made up his own words. 'Cause he couldn't hear properly. It's okay. Now that we know what it is, he'll need treatment, but he'll live. [to Ray, who finally lets go of House's shirt] There are platitudes that can help you with that.


[User] [long pause] What would Cuddy have done?

[Assistant] Ten clinic hours.


[User] Thinks he had a heart attack but didn't. His EKG, cardiac enzymes, and catheterization are all normal.

[Assistant] 'Cause it's an anxiety attack. PRobably because he just turned 40 and still goes by the name "Tommy". (Takes a bite)


[User] It's not anxiety. The E.R. Docs interviewed his wife. She confirmed he's been feeling fine. Nothing out of the ordinary at work or at home.

[Assistant] PRobably also beliEves that he thinks Salma Hayek's breasts are too big.


[User] Which is why I had them admit him anyway and treat with alprazolam. No improvements.

[Assistant] Because!


[User] Because for some Patients the diagnosis of anxiety disorder can actually increase anxiety, which is also why I told him he had a minor respiratory infection that was easily curable by the medication. (House gives him an incredulous smile)

[Assistant] You lied?


[User] I ruled out heart attack and anxiety disorder.

[Assistant] Interesting.


[User] Impressive.

[Assistant] What, the wiliness with which Foreman ruled out anxiety or his complete wiliness-less-ness before he met me?


[User] Shingles could cause chest pain before a rash appeared.

[Assistant] (watParkng the coffee falling on his cup) Pain would be restricted to one dermatome. It wouldn't cross them.


[User] Asthma-induced pneumothorax would and might not show up on a posteroanterior X-ray.

[Assistant] No history of asthma.


[User] But he's not in prison, and it's kind of hard to gas a guy unless you can seal him in a room first.

[Assistant] (Sitting down) Which is why Arceus created a universe with 3 states of matter and 300 solid or liquid poisons that could cause his symptoms.


[User] Arceus?

[Assistant] Look it up. And alkalinize his urine. Go search his home, talk to his wife, see if you can get her to tell us what she used.


[User] Wait, why would you think his wife poisoned him?

[Assistant] Because dangerous people don't break into your home, they live in it. And although his kids are old enough to want daddy dead, they're still to young to do anything about it.


[User] Must be such a pleasure to live in your head.

[Assistant] You're right. Kids might be precocious. (Pointing Adams) You handle his House. (Pointing Chase) You handle him and his wife.


[User] They (Taub and Park) get to just hang out and do nothing?

[Assistant] If you need help, you can take whoEver you want.


[User] I'll take Taub.

[Assistant] Interesting.


[User] And I'll take Park.

[Assistant] That was fun.


[User] PPTH room. House is sitting in a couch, sleeping, with his face covered by a magazine. --

[Assistant] (answering his phone) Don't tell me. The jealous wife in the dining room with bipyridyl herbicide.


[User] We didn't find any poisons.

[Assistant] Well, you obviously found something.


[User] Or break into it.

[Assistant] Cool.


[User] You're not gonna beliEve this.

[Assistant] Imperio absenti chaos regit. He's worried that "too big to fail" applies to our banks but not our government.


[User] How'd you know?

[Assistant] Because that's what Every idiot with a bunker full of assault rifles is scared of. (Calling) Heather Sweeney. (Heather Sweeney stands up) Uh, it'll just be a couple of minutes till someone's ready to see you.


[User] There's a difference between an isolated riot and the fall of civilization.

[Assistant] April Donaldson. (She raises her hand) Sorry. Misspoke.


[User] That's ridiculous.

[Assistant] Ouch.


[User] What? Paranoid?

[Assistant] You're gonna look pretty foolish if that was the wrong guess.


[User] No, we shouldn't. If it's not poison, it's most likely atrial fibrillation brought on by hyperthyroidism or sleep apnea.

[Assistant] (Simulating spitting tobacco, and talking in a Southern accent) Looks like we got ourselves a good, ol'-fashioned cat fight.


[User] No, we don't. We have a reasoned disagreement.

[Assistant] Still there's only one way to settle this. Actually there's two, but we don't have enough Jell-O for the first. Mini-mental, CT, and get a hair sample to check for past cocaine use. Check his TSH lEvels and get a sleep study. (To Taub) Sorry, we got to make it a fair fight, which means you're stuck with her.


[User] And it's not a fight. (The team walks out)

[Assistant] (To a busty lady waiting in the clinic) Uh, excuse me, miss, what is your name?


[User] Mariel Wilkerson.

[Assistant] Huh. You don't look like a Mariel. You're up. (She smiles, and they walk to the clinic room. House shuts the blinds)


[User] Cafeteria. House and Wilson are getting lunch. --

[Assistant] He's not paranoid. He's just stupid.


[User] Well, shouldn't you put yourself in that group? You own a gun.

[Assistant] Our Patient doesn't own a gun. He owns an arsenal. And I don't own a gun.


[User] Yes, you do. And you're a felon, so you'll end up back in jail�

[Assistant] That is actually not one of the Many reasons that I don't own a gun. Why would I need a gun? The only thing I own worth protecting a thief would need a crane to get out of my apartment.


[User] You don't own anything you need. You own things you want. And you're definitely the type who'd want a gun. You like anything dangerous � monster trucks, motorcycles, fireworks.

[Assistant] Everyone loves fireworks.


[User] WatParkng them, not making them.

[Assistant] I'm telling the truth.


[User] I stand corrected.

[Assistant] If you beliEve me, then this issue will be resolved with no further action necessary.


[User] Absolutely.

[Assistant] It's not resolved, is it?


[User] He also spiked a fEver overnight. It could be TB.

[Assistant] You want to say it?


[User] There's no sign of atelectasis or infiltrates on the chest X-ray.

[Assistant] Yeah. It's med-speak for she's an idiot.


[User] If he's paranoid.

[Assistant] So it's either not sclerosis or it's extremely aggressive sclerosis.


[User] Shouldn't we wait for the biopsy results before we start treatment?

[Assistant] (To Adams) Now's your chance. She's leading with her Parkn.


[User] I agree with her.

[Assistant] No, you don't. Which means you're both idiots. Get to work. (The team exit Diagnostics, but Park follows House to his office)


[User] I know you don't think I'm an idiot.

[Assistant] [ReaParkng for his Vicodin. Drawer shuts] Does it matter?


[User] If you're just looking to amuse yourself at my expense, then no. But if you feel the need to Manipulate me to make me useful, then yes. I thought we'd gotten past that.

[Assistant] If we hadn't gotten past that, you wouldn't be here. But ability isn't always enough. Just ask Yngwie Malmsteen.


[User] So this is you trying to help me?

[Assistant] No, this is me helping me. And amusing myself at your expense. Which brings us back to, why do you care?


[User] I deserve respect. I'm a good doctor.

[Assistant] People respect you. (Walks out) They just don't like you.


[User] At first, I thought it might be frostbite, but I haven't really been out in the cold.

[Assistant] And yet your first thought was frostbite?


[User] Yeah, I guess I was just going by how it looks.

[Assistant] It looks absolutely nothing like frostbite.


[User] You serious?

[Assistant] With some difficulty.


[User] Then what is it?

[Assistant] A sign that you need to take a long vacation. At least a month.


[User] A vacation? Wait, is this like a bucket list thing? It's cancer!

[Assistant] It's silver. I'm guessing silver nitrate mixed with petroleum jelly that your boss put on the petty cash so he'd know who to have arrested for stealing it.


[User] Damn.

[Assistant] Yeah, damn. [Pager beeps] It's diffused into your skin, and the only way to get rid of it is to get new skin. That normally happens Every 30 days. (Starts walking out) So, I hear that La Crosse, Wisconsin has got the world's largest beer can. (Exits)


[User] Sorry. Since Claudine left, no one's been inputting the numbers.

[Assistant] I miss Claudine.


[User] She left because of you.

[Assistant] I thought that was Nadine. (Leaves the Patient's file on a desk) Emergency page takes precedence. (Walks out)


[User] House's department. As House enters, we see Wilson hanging inside a big net, looking angry. --

[Assistant] Got your page.


[User] You're an ass.

[Assistant] Admit it.


[User] Let me down.

[Assistant] After you admit it. (Wilson stays quiet) You know, I'm a little tired. I think I'm gonna�


[User] All right, I admit it. Despite the fact that I know there's a gun in here, I'd nEver find it because you are more devious�

[Assistant] ClEver.


[User] I don't think he's a psych case.

[Assistant] Because you're paranoid about paranoia.


[User] which will kill him if it's a GAD autoimmunity.

[Assistant] Treat for GAD. Corticosteroids and IV immunoglobulin. (Walks away, Park follows him)


[User] I'm not paranoid. And they don't dislike me. They don't Even really know me.

[Assistant] They tell you that?


[User] I didn't ask because you wouldn't beliEve the answer.

[Assistant] It makes you feel better to think that.


[User] You're the one Everyone dislikes. You pRobably don't Even think it's GAD. You're just agreeing with her because you think it'll create more conflict between us.

[Assistant] There's only one way to find out. Actually, there's two but we're still waiting for that Jell-O delivery. Let me know how it goes. (Walks away)


[User] (comes out of the closet running, with a roll of duct tape in his hand) Gotcha!

[Assistant] You poor dumb bastard. Touch�.


[User] Or it's GAD, and we started treatment too late.

[Assistant] Increase the steroid dose.


[User] We can't. If it's an infection, we'll kill him for sure.

[Assistant] With neurological symptoms progressing this fast, he's dead either way. If we increase the steroids, then either death comes slower, which means we were too late with the GAD, or death comes faster, which means we were too stupid with the infection.


[User] We were already stupid with the infection, but it's not too late. He's young, and he was perfectly healthy two days ago. He can fight this off if we give him a chance.

[Assistant] Fine. But a shotgun is not gonna work. We need a sniper rifle. Start running DNA assays for sporotrichosis, meningococcemia, and any other boggle-winning words you can think of.


[User] You just said you wanted to increase the steroids, and now you want to just�

[Assistant] I changed my mind.


[User] But�

[Assistant] Do what Park says. (Hangs up. Wilson opens the bathroom door. He has a metal detector in his hand.)


[User] Well, you don't have a gun, but you do have my sunglasses, my tennis racket � I can't imagine why!

[Assistant] Had to kill a mouse. It was really hard with those stupid little sunglasses.


[User] And my money clip.

[Assistant] Was there any money in it?


[User] Not anymore.

[Assistant] Can I go to bed now? Or do you want to do a cavity search? Lock up on your way out.


[User] So we've got nothing.

[Assistant] Unless he was still being poisoned.


[User] By who? His wife wasn't Even here when he hallucinated.

[Assistant] Good question.


[User] It is possible, but!

[Assistant] Wouldn't cause hallucinations.


[User] It could if you also have paraneoplastic syndrome.

[Assistant] Get a biopsy.


[User] You think it's cancer?

[Assistant] I think you should get a biopsy. (Walks to his office. Wilson is sitting there, and shows House a gun.)


[User] Admit it. (House says nothing. Wilson holds up a gun.) Two hours ago, I found this in your closet in a box with your name on it. I knew you'd move it somewhere outside your apartment until you were certain I'd given up looking. So I had to convince you that I'd given up looking.

[Assistant] That's not a gun.


[User] [Laughs, stands up and walks to House's desk] Yes, it's a paperweight with a handy storage compartment for .45-caliber bullets.

[Assistant] And that's not a bullet.


[User] Admit it. I'm more clEver and more devious. You can Even have it back. It's not my pRoblem if you go back to prison. My pRoblem is you thinking you're always one step ahead of me.

[Assistant] This proves nothing because it's not a gun. It's a prop. From Dorothy Dietrich's magic act. Look it up. She's the only Woman to Ever do the "Catch a Bullet" trick. I won this off her prop master in a poker game.


[User] House�

[Assistant] It's fake! It's plugged. (He takes a pencil from his desk and sticks it in the barrel. It goes about half-way.) Look for yourself. (Aims at Wilson)


[User] Hey, hey, don't point that thing at me.

[Assistant] It's not dangerous because it's not a gun.


[User] House, House, just stop it.

[Assistant] Fine.


[User] What the hell are you doing?

[Assistant] Pull the trigger.


[User] Don't be insane.

[Assistant] They're blanks. You pull the trigger, I drool a little fake blood, and then I spit out the bullet that the audience thinks I caught in my teeth. Go ahead. Shoot me.


[User] I'm not shooting you.

[Assistant] All right. I'll shoot you. (He turns the gun so it points at Wilson.)


[User] (Scared) Don't. House, don't. Even if they are blanks, people'll freak.

[Assistant] It's not real. (He puts the pencil back in the barrel.) Which means you didn't prove that I have a gun. Which means you proved nothing. Admit it. Admit it.


[User] All right.

[Assistant] All right, what?


[User] You win.

[Assistant] And it feels good.


[User] Tommy's room. House walks in. --

[Assistant] You were wrong. Don't feel too bad. We all were. His trachea wasn't swollen. It was blocked by a pseudomembrane growing across it. It means he's not paranoid, he's an idiot, and was poisoned. (Unplugs the device from Tommy's throat)


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Give me a MaParkda scope. (Park gets it) (To Chase) Hold his legs. He's not gonna like this. Because you're not gonna be able to breathe. But I need to see down your barrel. (He looks through the scope down Tommy's throat) Good news is the poison didn't come from your wife. It came from a little bastard of a bacterium whose crap can cause chest pain, respiratory distress, skin ulcers, the growth of pseudomembrane across the airway, and, in very rare cases, hallucinations. (Gets the scope out, plugs Tommy to the ventilator.) (To Park) Call the CDC. Tell them we need antitoxin as soon as possible.


[User] Diphtheria?

[Assistant] We didn't guess it because nobody gets it. Instead of building bunkers, you should be getting boosters. As in routine vaccines against stuff that is actually scary.


[User] Advanced enough, but no IV feedings. The wife shut down a floral company to stay home and feed him Every meal he's had in the last four years.

[Assistant] Do we owe this case to your guilt at having ignored your own forgetful mommy?


[User] My guilt over my mom is why I put up with my dad. You're taking this case because we're running a phase-two trial on an Alzheimer's drug.

[Assistant] You couldn't round up enough doddering old Guinea pigs. You need us to fix this little piggy?


[User] I'd like to sit in. Especially since you're short a team member.

[Assistant] You mean Taub? [Pointing at his backpack] Got him in here.


[User] He asked for a personal day. His daughter's sick.

[Assistant] Isn't that the point of having a spare? I denied his request.


[User] After I'd already approved it, which you knew because I sent you a memo.

[Assistant] Dr. Adams! taped under your chair is an index card. Would you read it, please?


[User] It's 10:15 on Friday.

[Assistant] Damn it. Look, the point is I saw this coming. Dr. Foreman and I did not always see eye-to-eye. But he nEver had the power to overrule me. Now that he has the power, he won't be able to resist the temptation to use it. With great power comes great microManaging. And great vests.


[User] Not if the vomiting's persistent.

[Assistant] Which we won't know, because the E.R. put him on antiemetics. Take him off. [He sits down at the other end of the table, facing Foreman.]


[User] Wait. He's puking his guts out. We'd risk aspiration. [He smiles] I'm just disagreeing, not overruling.

[Assistant] So glad you're on board. Take him off antiemetics, do an upper endoscopy to check for bleeds.


[User] You know that close to 1% of the population identifies as asexual?

[Assistant] We really gotta get you laid. If I have to plough that furrow myself, so be it.


[User] I have a Patient who's asexual.

[Assistant] Is she a giant pool of algae?


[User] It's a valid sexual orientation. According to this article, at least.

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I read that too. Is that fugliness weekly?


[User] She's perfectly fine-looking. Happily married for ten years.

[Assistant] To a guy who loves penis enough for the both of them.


[User] He's asexual too. Ran a complete physical on her. Nothing wrong except a common bladder infection.

[Assistant] 100 bucks says I can find a medical reason why she doesn't want to have sex.


[User] You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you anywhere near my Patient.

[Assistant] Fine. I won't go near her. Just give me her file and any blood samples you have left over.


[User] No contact, whatsoEver. You talk to her, the bet is void.

[Assistant] No contact. Plays to my strengths anyway.


[User] Right now's not a good time, House.

[Assistant] Not for the Dean of Medicine. But it's a perfect time if you're a member of my team. Which one are you?


[User] His liver enzymes are slightly elevated. Gallstones could've�

[Assistant] no complaints of pain.


[User] Steatohepatitis would make his AST and ATL lEvels rise.

[Assistant] Are you calling his liver fat? Start the Patient on statins, and do a biopsy to confirm. And knock him out. I've heard he's a wiggler.


[User] There's no need to put him under. We can confirm fatty liver with an ultrasound. [House looks to Foreman pointedly.] Just making an observation.

[Assistant] Well done. Now, as a member of my team, you can make the equally-useful observations that the sky is blue, I'm wearing pants, and I'm ignoring your first observation.


[User] Wait.

[Assistant] And there it is.


[User] You're trying to screw with my confidence.

[Assistant] Well, if I wanted to do that, I'd tell you how much the nurses hate you.


[User] You're trying to get me to define myself as a subordinate to keep me from Ever intervening, Even if it's fully in the scope of my duties. Like now. This isn't about diagnostics, it's about what's safe for the Patient. Do the ultrasound.

[Assistant] Ultrasound it is. And the nurses love you.


[User] A few hours ago you were sure.

[Assistant] And that's significant why?


[User] Sorry. Only the bleeding's medically relevant.

[Assistant] No, I wasn't being rhetorical. If they are sleeping together, why do we disapprove?


[User] You're pro-infidelity?

[Assistant] She's not married. If marriage is feeding and cleaning someone, limiting conversations, to repeating a few simple comMands, then I was married to my pet rat. And a lot of people owe me wedding gifts. [House sees Foreman and suddenly turns around to continue on another way.] And we're walking, we're walking.


[User] Yes, he does. He's in there. This is why you get married.

[Assistant] Said the divorced Woman to the divorced Man.


[User] She is there for him in the only way that matters now. She gave up her life to take care of him.

[Assistant] Which proves she's an idiot. If she had any sense, she'd have stuck him in a facility and jumped on that strange�[Foreman is standing in their way.] Dr. Foreman! We were just looking for you.


[User] I was right about the antiemetics. If you kept him on them like I said, he wouldn't have gotten agitated and punched his wife.

[Assistant] Yes, we're back to my supposed diabolical plan to shake your confidence. Let's see if this helps. [They are now in House's office.] If you're speaking as a team member, then I'd say you're a moron. Because taking him off the antiemetics gave us crucial diagnostic information. If you're speaking as Dean of Medicine, then I'd say you're a moron. 'Cause your microManaging kept us from doing a biopsy. If we had, the Patient would have been anesthetized hours ago, thus unable to go all Chris Brown on her ass.


[User] Unless one of your index cards actually predicted the guy was gonna punch his wife, Everything you're saying is post hoc rationalization.

[Assistant] Dr. Park, would you please reach under that chair? [House sits down on his chair. Park is sitting on the other side of his desk. She reaches under the chair House pointed at and finds an index card.


[User] You clearly wrote that after the fact.

[Assistant] Dr. Adams, would you please reach into my pants? [Of course she doesn't. House reaches in his pocket and retriEves yet another card.] "Dr. Blackenshmurtz will accuse me of writing about the punch after the fact." Now, look. Here's a photograph of me holding a newspaper. [He holds up the picture for Everyone to see: it's him with the note and the newspaper.] Dated last Tuesday. Now, how could I have gotten my hands on that?


[User] No muscle symptoms, and urine had no myoglobin. TTP fits, though.

[Assistant] Start him on plasmapheresis. Unless! unless I need to say, "mother, may I?" And mother is an abbreviation. [They all leave his office.]


[User] Why doesn't Chase have to be here?

[Assistant] You think he knows anything about women who don't want to have sex?


[User] Hormone lEvels are normal. This Woman seems perfectly healthy. What does it matter if she says she's asexual?

[Assistant] It's the fundamental drive of our species. Sex is healthy. Orgasms oxygenate the brain, lighting up over 30 different areas and making us forget how boring Susie Cooper is. That last one may not be universal.


[User] Sex drive is in the brain. I suppose it could be psychological intimacy issues caused by Parkldhood abuse.

[Assistant] She's been sharing a toilet with the same guy for the last ten years.


[User] It's not the same. Sex releases oxytocin. It's the neurochemical basis for bonding.

[Assistant] And that's why men always marry their right hands.


[User] No it's not. I've tapped over 30 guys and nEver wanted to see most of them again. [House and Adams look at each other, surprised and speechless.] I live next to a Jewish frat.

[Assistant] We are veering wildly off track. Please continue.


[User] This Woman's life is pRobably better off without sex. Eliminates most of her insecurity, she's immune to most advertising and can have honest relationships with men.

[Assistant] Not a lot of them.


[User] We've run Every test and ruled out all the options. You're gonna have to accept she just doesn't want sex.

[Assistant] Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want it are either sick, dead, or lying.


[User] So maybe she's lying. You think she's had a boyfriend on the side?

[Assistant] For ten years? Sticking around the whole time? Doesn't make sense. [Thinking!] What does! [He grabs his cane and leaves the room without a word.]


[User] All of the shift nurses had their hands full with a double code.

[Assistant] Perfectly reasonable explanation. Same thing happened to me. Couldn't find my keys for days.


[User] Hey, don't be an ass. Can't you see she's upset?

[Assistant] No, she's guilty. 'Cause instead of being at her husband's side, she was under you.


[User] Okay, that's� y�

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah! He already said I was an ass. Personally, I applaud your decision to step down off your cross and get on with your life, but your misplaced guilt is shutting down your brain. We need you to sit, focus, and answer our questions.


[User] "Today is Saturday"�.]

[Assistant] So, at 6:00 a.m., the Patient wakes up, and the first thing he sees!


[User] In moments of confusion, Alzheimer's Patients regress to old routines.

[Assistant] So what would your husband do on a Saturday morning?


[User] That soccer trophy you were telling me about.

[Assistant] It's gone. Where was practice?


[User] Not dead until he's warm and dead.

[Assistant] Get him to the ICU. Start him on extracorporeal circulation.


[User] That'll raise his temperature too quickly, it'll cause acidosis.

[Assistant] We can deal with his metabolism crashing, we can't rEverse brain damage if we go too slowly.


[User] We still have a long way to go. Cold can be protective to the brain, but there is a possibility of damage. We also need to confirm and treat whatEver's making him sick.

[Assistant] I just gotta do a standard battery of tests. Blood, urine, EEG!


[User] Is that really necessary for a free flu shot?

[Assistant] Excuse me. I have to deal with someone who's having a panic attack.


[User] I specifically said the bet was off if you contacted the Patient.

[Assistant] Exactly. NEver said anything about the Patient's husband.


[User] The deal was a medical reason why she doesn't have sex.

[Assistant] I admit I was stuck, until I realized the medical issue was not hers but his. She's lying to compensate. It's a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, boy says, "I'm asexual." Girl says, "yeah, me too."


[User] Your twisted logic can't hide the fact that tricking a Patient into being tested is completely unethical.

[Assistant] Come on. Don't you think she deserves to know why her husband won't bend her over the kitchen counter? You love all that caring crap.


[User] You're not doing this out of the kindness of your heart. You're not Even doing this out of medical curiosity.

[Assistant] I thought I made it clear I'm doing it for the cash.


[User] Two people are happy, and your natural impulse is to destroy it.

[Assistant] How do you know she's happy? Did she tell you?


[User] No, Parkrping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.

[Assistant] All right, I admit that my natural impulse is to doubt peoples' claims to happiness, but yours is to be a sucker for them. You tell me which one's worse. [He goes back into the exam room.]


[User] Vomiting, liver, kidneys, and now fEver.

[Assistant] I don't want to tell you how to do your job, Dr. Foreman, since telling people how to do their job is your job, but when your less-than-competent administration of this hospital affects what's written on my whiteboard!


[User] Get to the point.

[Assistant] The word "fEver." Could come from the Patient's illness, or it could come from the fact that you allowed him to saunter out of your hospital and take a nap in the snow.


[User] The hypothermia could've caused cell necrosis.

[Assistant] TTP was the diagnosis when he walked out. FEver's a little high, but it still fits. We should continue plasmapheresis.


[User] We're missing symptoms. We should add language loss and aggression.

[Assistant] Should we also add forgetfulness? He's got Alzheimer's.


[User] We've just been assuming.

[Assistant] Because the Patient's wife said he exhibited both for a year.


[User] He's nEver hit her before or lost all his English. We have to consider any change since he's been admitted as relevant.

[Assistant] Have to? Do I need to pull out another card?


[User] Disseminated viral infection with encephalitis. Patient complained of a sore throat a few weeks ago.

[Assistant] Start him on Interferon.


[User] We married six months after I met him. A year after that, he started forgetting things. I've known my husband longer with his Alzheimer's than without. I've watched more of him disappear than I Ever got to know. I just can't do this anymore.

[Assistant] You lose. Blood work shows high lEvels of prolactin. [He throws the file on Wilson's desk.] Add that to some peripheral red-green confusion, puts my money � excuse me, your money � soon to be my money, on a tumor near his pituitary. PRobably started growing in his early teens.


[User] Lowering his libido and causing erectile dysfunction.

[Assistant] A year on dopamine agonists, and he'll be a sex-crazed creep just like the rest of us, completely fascinated by Susie Cooper. I'd prefer to be paid in a single $100 bill. Always wanted to use one to light a cigar.


[User] Hooray for us. We disproved his asexuality. We also pRobably ruined his life.

[Assistant] He'll thank us. Then he'll doze off, and then in a couple hours, he'll thank us again. [He sits down in front of Wilson.]


[User] It could destroy his identity. It's like a gay person being told they're really straight.

[Assistant] So don't tell him.


[User] Yeah, why bother telling a guy he has a tumor growing in his head? He'll notice it Eventually, when it starts leaking out his ears.

[Assistant] It's a slow-growing tumor. He'll pRobably die of boredom long before that.


[User] You always do this. You� you meddle and force me into impossible situations.

[Assistant] You knew the second you told me about this case that I'd get involved. You wanted me to meddle. Because no matter how much you wanted to beliEve in this chaste roMance, you didn't buy it either.


[User] You played me. This whole thing was about your ankle monitor. You weren't trying to undermine my confidence; you were trying to inflate it. You Manufactured conflict with me so Eventually you could let me win. [Getting angry] You knew it was encephalitis, but you waited for me to say it because then with my ego boosted, you thought I'd be in the mood to take off your monitor because I'd think I could control you.

[Assistant] You're right. Take off my monitor. See, the beauty of the plan is that if it works, you think you can control me. If it fails, then you will actually have proven that you can control me. It's pretty genius. [He puts his right leg on his desk so they can both see his ankle monitor.] These are your training wheels. If you think you're up to this job, it's time to lose them. [Foreman looks at him and finally tears up the paperwork he was holding in his hand.] Second half of my plan might need work. [Suddenly both their beepers go off.]


[User] Wait, Dr. Foreman! [She pulls Foreman aways just as House shocks Andres.]

[Assistant] Clear. He's back. I sure hope this Alzheimer's drug trial is worth a lot to this hospital, 'cause we're wasting a crap-load of time and Manpower just to let this guy watch his mind shrivel and keep his wife miserable.


[User] Given his abnormal mental status, not necessarily.

[Assistant] Dr. Foreman, would you please reach under your chair?


[User] There's just wet gum under here. Where's the card?

[Assistant] What card?


[User] I'm happy to leave if you have a better theory than aseptic meningitis.

[Assistant] Toxins. This guy went on walkabout. Chances are he's done it before.


[User] Wife keeps the doors on the House locked.

[Assistant] Plenty of nasty stuff to get into during the middle of the night.


[User] We asked about toxins on the history. The wife said she was sure to clear the House for her husband's safety.

[Assistant] I'm sure she succeeded. She's a PhD in toxicology, right? She's an ex-florist. Search the home for toxic plants, methyl bromide, any medications. [The team gets ready to leave the room.]


[User] Stop. You're not infallible. You were wrong about encephalitis.

[Assistant] Just before you were.


[User] Run CSF tests. Find out what's causing the meningitis.

[Assistant] You said you weren't gonna overrule me diagnostically.


[User] And you said I wouldn't be able to help it. Apparently, you were right about that one. [Foreman leaves the room.]

[Assistant] Fine. I'll look for toxins myself.


[User] You can't go to their House without Foreman's permission.

[Assistant] Don't need it. I'll talk to the toxicology PhD upstairs. [He also leaves.] What about gifts from South America? Anyone send any fruits or vegetables?


[User] Barraco azul!

[Assistant] I'm gonna need your boyfriend to collect samples of plants in and around your House. Toxins are the most!


[User] Barraco azul!

[Assistant] O que e isso? Barraco azul?


[User] Wait, you understand him? What's he saying?

[Assistant] He's� he's repeating, "blue shack." You know what that is? Is it somewhere where pesticides may be kept?


[User] It's where we had our first date.

[Assistant] Do you have a cleaning lady who might bring her own supplies?


[User] What's he saying?

[Assistant] If it's not relevant to the case, I don't care. And neither should you.


[User] What did he say?

[Assistant] He asked who you were. [She looks a bit disappointed.] Don't get your hopes up. Have your boyfriend give me those samples.


[User] It's Reye's syndrome. Patient had a sore throat a few weeks ago before he was admitted.

[Assistant] Reye's in adults is a reach.


[User] Not if he took aspirin.

[Assistant] Aspirin in adults is a reach. Especially in a House with locked medicine cabinets.


[User] Wasn't in the medicine cabinet. Wife used to run a floral company. Still does a few orders from home. She uses crushed aspirin in the water to make the flowers last longer.

[Assistant] So the husband has a sore throat, takes an aspirin without her knowing, realizes he's got a sore throat, takes an aspirin, realizes he's got a sore throat! Stop me whenEver you like. Have Chase start him on steroids.


[User] Already did.

[Assistant] Then why're you telling me?


[User] MRI confirmed macroprolactinoma. He's doing the treatment.

[Assistant] And the wife? Come on. You saved a Man's life. Course-corrected two peoples' wildly screwed-up world views. It's not bad for a day's work.


[User] I think they were happy. Even if it was based on lies.

[Assistant] Most happiness is. [He turns on his lighter and sets fire to the bill] Better to have schtupped and lost then nEver to have schtupped at all. [House lights on his cigar with the flame emerging from the bill.]


[User] We can't smoke in here. [He sits down beside House and also uses the flame to light his cigar.]

[Assistant] We also can't summon people into the clinic based on a lie motivated by a petty bet. And yet it happens. It's an imperfect world. Well?


[User] Disgustingly satisfying.

[Assistant] He said it was okay.


[User] Is one of you Dr. House?

[Assistant] You've seen Spartacus, right?


[User] Now get out. I have work to do.

[Assistant] Whoops. How long has your daughter had trouble breathing?


[User] About a week now.

[Assistant] The best dads wait two or more.


[User] Yeah, no, it's not like it's serious. I-I checked online, and it's! asthma or something.

[Assistant] "Or something" is the number one killer of teens with no medical degree. When was the last time he took you to see a doctor?


[User] Uh, like five months ago. We went a clinic in Trenton. I had strep throat.

[Assistant] You remember the antibiotic they gave you? Is it neomycin?


[User] Amoxicillin. [House nods slightly. She passed that test.] So about the inhaler for my asthma, I was�

[Assistant] Sorry! Hospital policy specifically prohibits me from giving meds to unrelated homeless people pretending to be father and daughter. [to the father] Your pants are a size too short, so either you grew a couple of inches or you grabbed the closest size in a thrift store. [to Jane Doe] And only you have dimples, which are adorable, but they're also an x-linked dominant genetic trait. Which actually doesn't prove anything. The fact that you didn't burst into tears tells me that you nEver thought he was your dad.


[User] [to her faux-father] Let's get out of here.

[Assistant] Since you're the brains of the operation, might wanna stick around.


[User] What, so I can get busted by Social Services?

[Assistant] No, so you can stop bleeding out of your ear. [She puts her hand to her right ear. There's a stream of blood from it to her jaw line.] It's usually a sign of a skull fracture. Someone been using your head as a soccer ball?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Much as I'd like to take your word for it, I have no interest in taking your word for it. [He runs his hands over her head.] No tenderness, no pain. Looks like you might actually be telling the truth about something. [He gets an otoscope from the drawer and looks in her ear.] Ear canal is fine. [checks her forehead with his hand] You don't have a fEver. Pay the Man. He's late for a trashcan fire.


[User] Would you - would you tell me what's going on? What's wrong with me?

[Assistant] I have no idea.


[User] Why'd you ask to meet us 30 miles away from the hospital?

[Assistant] [picks up his right leg, plops it on the table and pulls up the pant leg to show his monitor-less ankle] Because I can. Also, Chris Christie's blog says the pancakes here are the best. So! what do we got on this 18-year-old with the ear bleed and the breathing pRoblems?


[User] CT confirms no skull fracture. And looking at her confirms she's not 18.

[Assistant] Yes, she is. Says so in the file.


[User] We can't treat an underage Patient without a guardian. We need to call Social Services.

[Assistant] I cut a deal with the Patient. We don't call, she doesn't bolt.


[User] [checking the file] No sign of malnutrition. Tox screen is clear. S.T.D. panel was negative. [looking toward the door] And! is that Foreman?

[Assistant] Oh, my goodness, it is! [waves his hand widely] Hi, Dean Foreman! [House picks up his phone and starts taking pictures. Anita heads for a table in another part of the restaurant. Foreman comes over.] Are you not gonna introduce us because we're married? Oh, no, wait � that's her.


[User] She's a pharmaceutical rep, and this is a working breakfast.

[Assistant] In a restaurant that's nowhere near your home or the hospital.


[User] Would explain the lack of fEver. Pneumococcus is pretty common among the homeless population. We should find out if she's been vaccinated.

[Assistant] Sure, ask her, and when she refuses to tell you anything, start her on ceftriaxone for pneumococcus.


[User] And if she says she has been vaccinated?

[Assistant] Then don't beliEve her, and start her on ceftriaxone for pneumococcus.


[User] How about we don't beliEve she's gonna bolt and we call Social Services?

[Assistant] While I'm in the little boys' room, you can pretend that I'm seriously considering that idea.


[User] The bathroom's that way.

[Assistant] Pretty sure there's one in the hospital.


[User] [bad southern accent] Hello, good sir. My brother, the General here, gots the green-apple quickstep.

[Assistant] One of us is in the wrong time zone. And if it's me, I need to talk to a stockbroker and anyone from the Kennedy family, in that order.


[User] Well, he got the runs, and we do need him up and at 'em for battle tomorrow.

[Assistant] It's hardly authentic, coming to a newfangled clinic, especially with a Yankee doctor.


[User] Sir, are you questioning my resolve?

[Assistant] Yes, and your sanity. I'm multitasking.


[User] Uh, General! Don't light out. We swore that we would see the elephant together.

[Assistant] Well, far be it from me to come between two nut jobs and their "elephant." [He gets a bottle of milk of magnesia or antacid from a cupboard and hands it to Sheldon who looks at it suspiciously.] I could add some mercury, if you want to make it more authentic.


[User] I don't think so.

[Assistant] So! What causes an ear bleed, breathing pRoblems, and our runaway's inability to run away?


[User] Fungal infection's off the table. What about transverse myelitis?

[Assistant] Not with normal posterior column function. [pumps the barrel] I've been waiting to do this for months. Pull! [The team members cover their ears. Someone from the range pushes a button and a clay pigeon flies from right to left in front of House. He shoots. He misses. He stares at the target as it sails away, then inspects the gun.] Sights seem to be off on this.


[User] We didn't call Social Services before because we didn't want the Patient to take off. Now she can't. There's no reason for us not to call.

[Assistant] Well, how about the reason that there's no reason? This is working fine for me. Pull! [A new target flies past as House shoots at it and misses again.] Well, now, that one clearly took evasive action.


[User] You want to protect her because you think she's fine on her own, outside the system.

[Assistant] Does anyone have a position on our Patient's medical condition?


[User] Could be endocarditis with septic emboli.

[Assistant] Pull! [another miss] [to Taub] I'd turn around and shoot you, but apparently I'd miss. There's no murmurs, no Osler nodes.


[User] You've nEver done this before, have you?

[Assistant] No, I have not. But all the time I had my ankle monitor on, I was furious that I couldn't.


[User] Vasculitis fits.

[Assistant] [nods] Start treatment with steroids. She's lucky, she'll be free to flee again.


[User] Not once I call Social Services. I'm not giving up.

[Assistant] You wanna bet? [shows her a shotgun shell] One shot, one birdie. You hit, you make the call. You miss, nEver mention it again.


[User] No. Why would I agree?

[Assistant] 'Cause your only other option is you call and I fire you.


[User] Hiring a hooker to pretend to be a social worker?

[Assistant] She took a bet that she knew she'd win. Frankly, I feel violated.


[User] Apparently, someone identifying themselves as Dr. Pujols called and said the Patient ran off.

[Assistant] [giggles] Come on. "Poo holes."


[User] You should have told me you were treating an underage clinic Patient.

[Assistant] I was giving you the gift of deniability.


[User] Now I'm giving you the gift of additional clinic hours.

[Assistant] [smug] No, you're not.


[User] [smug-er] You've got nothing on me. Check your phone.

[Assistant] Uh! my phone? Oh, right. Yes, I-I did have some pictures on that. But! I also have these. [He pulls a small stack of glossy prints from his pocket and drops them on Foreman's desk one at a time.] There's the two of you kissing over dinner. Busting a move in a night club. Is that your hand near her nether regions? Thanks again for taking off the ankle bracelet.


[User] I'm not gonna let you blackmail me, House.

[Assistant] Oh, of course not. There's no way someone of your integrity would let me compromise your job in any major way over some tawdry bit of gossip. But what about compromising it in a minor way? Reduced clinic hours. Unlimited Internet porn budget. That makes much more sense than the nuclear option of ruining both our lives. You can keep these. I got copies. [leaves] How I miss the sweet smell of stickin' it to the Man.


[User] Adams is right. You're protecting this girl.

[Assistant] [sniffs again] No, I was wrong. It's the stench of moralizing. I'm protecting myself from meddling bureaucrats and parents.


[User] You admire this girl. She had a horrible home life, so she went out on her own. She's your road not taken.

[Assistant] I've always dreamed of living in an abandoned House with mold.


[User] House, all I'm accusing you of is having a connection with a Patient. This is a good thing.

[Assistant] It's not a good thing, 'cause it's not a thing.


[User] We need help in here!

[Assistant] Go!


[User] You bet 100 bucks on a turtle race?

[Assistant] I paid Mr. Parkps 5 bucks to take a dive.


[User] Diagnosis depends on whether the blood was coming from the sinuses, lungs, or her guts. [Mr. Parkps has wandered away from the center circle.] Mr. Parkps looks like he wants it. 100 bucks says he'll make soup out of Franklin.

[Assistant] You're on.


[User] How'd the mom seem to you?

[Assistant] If you're asking him if she looks like someone who beat her kid, you're a moron.


[User] Yes!

[Assistant] Franklin rules. Mr. Parkps drools. [to Park] Mr. Parkps's owner only feeds him on apples and bananas. Nowhere near enough vitamin A. Pay up. [Park hands over the cash.] And do an upper endoscopy to confirm for Zollinger-Ellison, after Mommie Dearest has given her permission.


[User] Ellen shouldn't have consent if she beat her daughter.

[Assistant] Doesn't matter if she beat her daughter. Only matters if Social Services says she beat her daughter. Good thing you made it all official.


[User] Not initially. It was a pretty tough conversation. Neither of us is ready

[Assistant] You didn't need to shoot yourself. I could have given you a Section 8.


[User] [in a Yankee accent] We've hit the drills pretty hard, and by the fourth round, my hand went numb. The-the gun slipped and� I only had blanks in it, but!

[Assistant] It's funny how nearly shooting your toe off cured that speech impediment.


[User] Ah. Yeah. Sorry about that. Sheldon's a! progressive.

[Assistant] Eh � compared to who? Rupert Murdoch?


[User] Progressives are reenactors who strive for complete authenticity. They nEver drop character while in uniform.

[Assistant] Whereas you just dabble in crazy.


[User] [sighs] Sheldon and I had a big falling out years ago. We only really started talking again because of the reenactments. They, uh! gave me my brother back.

[Assistant] That's a very moving story. Be a lot more affecting if you hadn't bonded over something so completely idiotic.


[User] Explains esophageal ulcers and her other symptoms.

[Assistant] [joining them] If only it would explain why we've nEver seen her drunk, drinking, or detoxing.


[User] It's been mildly elevated.

[Assistant] Mildly elevated BP could put her at risk of a Berry aneurysm. Weak blood vessel in the brain gets pounded on by elevated BP, causes it to expand and contract. Causes the symptoms to come and go.


[User] CT didn't show any signs of an aneurysm.

[Assistant] Did I mention they come and go? Much as your presence may cause objects to become engorged with blood, sometimes aneurysms just aren't in the mood.


[User] Alcoholism and Berry aneurysm are both valid theories. I think we should discuss this with the Patient and her mom.

[Assistant] Why? We discussed it right here. Go tell 'em she needs a cerebral angiogram to loCate the aneurysm, then surgery to repair.


[User] The Patient asked me what I thought.

[Assistant] I pay you to think inside this room. Outside this room, I pay you to parrot.


[User] It's her choice. She has the right to know!

[Assistant] It's a medical choice that you turned into an extension of your baggage and hers. You told the mom something you want to beliEve because you don't want to beliEve that this girl might be doing fine parent-free. Which also happens to be what the mom wants to beliEve.


[User] You think she wants to feel responsible for her daughter's illness?

[Assistant] That Woman sees Everything to do with her daughter through! guilt-colored glasses. It's all her fault. [He exhales loudly then starts to leave.]