[User] Reasons don't matter. Results are the only thing!

[Assistant] You were wrong. [beat] Twenty years ago, [points to the record player] this was recorded by Jim Moskowitz. Who later became known as Jimmy Quidd. Loves kids, apparently has a heart, perhaps Even a soul. If you're gonna work for me, you have to be willing to be wrong, willing to lose. 'Cause you just did. [somberly] You're fired. "Thirteen", please stand. You're fired. He was a drug addict. [beat] Four applicants, two spots. If I had three, I'd keep you. Game over!


[User] What the hell did you do?

[Assistant] [shrugs innocently] You told me to hire Kutner and Taub.


[User] Because I knew you wouldn't.

[Assistant] Oops.


[User] I can't let you hire two men.

[Assistant] Now that is sexist.


[User] You've already got Foreman.

[Assistant] Is he a dude?


[User] [conceding] Hire a Woman too.

[Assistant] Hire two women.


[User] You can have the one that gives a crap about people.

[Assistant] [seriously] They both do.


[User] Well, at least the games are over.

[Assistant] [sideways] How long have you known me?


[User] He lies.

[Assistant] [slightly amused tone] My ears are burning.


[User] Tell him you're done firing people.

[Assistant] Well if I lie, that would be little reassurance. [glances up and starts tearing down the streamers with his cane.] Dr. Kutner, who told you that it would be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?


[User] [frowning] Wasn't me.

[Assistant] He lied. [tosses a Santa plushie into the trashcan] Homie knows better, Hymie doesn't care, and Huntington's would have done a better job.


[User] [looks up at House] I don't have Huntington's.

[Assistant] That you know of.


[User] Why would you!

[Assistant] [cuts Foreman off and trashes more streamers] Because I got sued when I called you "Honeybuns"�.


[User] [perks up] Good. Then can we do a Secret Santa? [Foreman looks at him likes he's an idiot]

[Assistant] I liked you better fifteen seconds ago when you were afraid for your job. [more tearing down of streamers by the coffee bar] So who's sick?


[User] No.

[Assistant] She says there's no history.


[User] She's not a liar.

[Assistant] Okay, this is gonna be a tough case. I have almost no knowledge of alien physiology.


[User] Everyone lies but there's an exception to Every rule.

[Assistant] Actually there isn't. That's kinda what makes it a rule.


[User] The Patient's mother died of breast cancer when she was sEven and she nEver Even knew her mom was sick. She promised herself she would nEver hide anything from her own daughter.

[Assistant] [patronizingly] Oh! I didn't know she'd promised. [Thirteen isn't amused]


[User] And we're not her daughter. Patient inherited the BRCA1 mutation from her mom, she got a prophylactic double mastectomy ten years ago.

[Assistant] She lied about it.


[User] She told her co-worker, she told her kid.

[Assistant] She lied to the world. Reconstructive surgery is designed to convince people that �


[User] Actually, I was going to rule it in. Paralysis could be paraneoplastic. Even the best surgeon can't remove Every cell of breast tissue.

[Assistant] MRI what's left of her chest. Set the maParkne to scan for irony. [sets his cup down, pausing] I'm going to go redo the Patient history. You mom tell you about all the drugs she does?


[User] [shrugs] She smokes pot once in a while, but not in a long time.

[Assistant] What about you?


[User] How would that make her sick?

[Assistant] [sarcastically] Are you a doctor?


[User] I'm elEven!

[Assistant] That's not an answer. It's an evasion. [looks at his lollipop for a second] Are you drinking? You Ever sneak a drink?


[User] I don't do any of that stuff. It's bad for you.

[Assistant] I understand why you don't want your mom to know, but I'm her doctor so �


[User] And I would tell my mom. And I would tell you.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] Because she would nEver lie to me.

[Assistant] [won't give up yet] What's her favorite way to have sex?


[User] [frowns] I don't get what sex has to do with breast cancer.

[Assistant] [rolls his eyes] Are you a doctor? Did you go to med school since the last time I asked?


[User] You just think we gotta be lying �

[Assistant] [cuts her off] White lies?


[User] What are those?

[Assistant] Those are lies we tell to make other people feel better.


[User] I don't lie.

[Assistant] Rationalizations?


[User] What are those?

[Assistant] Those are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better.


[User] No, we don't �

[Assistant] [cuts her off again] Lies of omission? [Jane looks unsure] Saddle bronc or doggie? That's sex talk.


[User] [a moment's contemplation] She used to like being on top, but now she likes to be on her stomach. That way she doesn't have to see them looking at her scars.

[Assistant] It's Parkld abuse.


[User] Honesty?

[Assistant] There's a reason that Everybody lies. It works. It what allows society to function, it's what separates Man from beast.


[User] Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.

[Assistant] You wanna know Every place your mom's thumb has been?


[User] I'm sorry I missed rehearsal. Am I taking the "truth is good"� side? Don't you usually take that part?

[Assistant] Lies are a tool, they can be used either for good! No wait, I got a better one. Lies are like Parkldren. Hard work, but they're worth it. Because the future depends on them.


[User] You are so full of love! or something. [gestures for House to pay up] When you care about someone �

[Assistant] [interrupts] You lie to them! You pretend that their constant ponderous musing are interesting. You tell them they're not losing their boyish good looks or becoming worn out.


[User] I stand corrected and may I say, it's been a real pleasure chatting with you. [directs House's attention back to the scan] Sila's clean, surgical margins looks clear. No lymphadenopathy, no masses, no nothing. It's not cancer.

[Assistant] We need a new theory.


[User] Did you catch her lying?

[Assistant] Not yet.


[User] Wouldn't "no"� have been a shorter answer.

[Assistant] Wouldn't you not talking have made this a shorter conversation? Kid says mom's a slut.


[User] [incredulous] She called her mom a slut?

[Assistant] No, I called her mom a slut. Jumps anything with a pole and a pulse. Not that I'm judging here. Given her medical history, I'm actually impressed.


[User] Maggie already admitted to having multiple sexual partners. Which is why we already tested for, and ruled out, syphilis and any other STDs that could have caused her symptoms.

[Assistant] STDs aren't the only risk in risky sex. PRoblem in sleeping with strangers is! they're strange.


[User] We'll follow up with any recent partners.

[Assistant] Send Foreman and Taub. They're better liars, more likely to get to the truth.


[User] I've had a sore throat for a few days now. My stomach's also been bothering me. I think my glands are swollen.

[Assistant] [feels her glands under her throat but then is distracted by the necklace she's wearing] Saint Nicholas?


[User] [smiles] Patron saint of Parkldren.

[Assistant] Also seamen, merchants, archers, prostitutes, and prisoners.


[User] Hmm! Must have been pretty hardworking.

[Assistant] [shrugs] Or just a credit hog. Open wide. [shines a flashlight into her mouth] Say "aah"�.


[User] Is it contagious?

[Assistant] Only for the next 24 hours as long as you take the antibiotics.


[User] [worriedly] How contagious?

[Assistant] Take a personal day.


[User] I can't!

[Assistant] [looks at her with a mock serious expression] I'll write your pimp a note.


[User] My pimp?

[Assistant] You're tested for AIDS Every three months and! your necklace.


[User] [amused] Prostitutes wear religious symbols?

[Assistant] I think they just like kneeling. [smiles] You don't have the skin of a seaMan, the fingers of an archer, the clothes of a merchant, or the attitude of an ex-con. So, just leaves one left.


[User] You owe me 50 bucks.

[Assistant] Then you owe me half a lapdance.


[User] It's for the nurses' holiday bonus. I know you got the memo.

[Assistant] Got the memo last year. I want to hire forty more fellows.


[User] You already fired the ones you hired?

[Assistant] They work better when they're scared.


[User] You were right. Guy slipped her Ecstasy.

[Assistant] He have any symptoms?


[User] No. Kutner's starting the Patient on hemodialysis and Thirteen's in the lab trying to figure out what the guy put in the drugs. [leaves the clinic]

[Assistant] See? Clear, simple statement of facts describing their cooperation, with absolutely no attitude or fear. [reaches to grab another Patient's file]


[User] Something's gotta be done.

[Assistant] Oh yeah.


[User] Nothing in the Ecstasy except Ecstasy.

[Assistant] Well that nEver hurt anybody.


[User] Can't make them blind days later.

[Assistant] [looks at one of the slips of paper in his hands, frowning] Do you spell "homie"� with a Y? I want to be respectful.


[User] You're actually going to let us do Secret Santa?

[Assistant] Not just you guys. [turns around to grab a Christmas stocking and puts the slips of paper inside, shaking it up to mix them] I like presents too. [offers the stocking up to Taub] Pick a name.


[User] [looks suspicious] Why are you doing this?

[Assistant] See, this is why no one likes your people. The notion of picking one time of the year to be decent to other people is obscene, because it's actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.


[User] So you think this is the part of the year they screwed up?

[Assistant] On the other hand, you are now a team. Gotta work together and the simple fact is, giving people crap makes people like people so spend 25 bucks. Learn to love!


[User] No, the dialysate composition was within range. [looks at the name on his slip of paper, giving a nod and smiling to himself] Sweet.

[Assistant] Interesting.


[User] The dialysate composition just indiCates �

[Assistant] [cuts her off] IndiCates nothing. I was referring to his reaction to the name he got.


[User] I was pleased. I thought it'd be fun to buy for �

[Assistant] Means! there's someone here who wouldn't be fun to buy for. [purposeful pause as he stares at Kutner] I wonder who. [offers up the stocking to Thirteen next] Pick a name, then go check out the Patient's House. [smiles slowly] Interesting!


[User] We're wasting time going to the home. Kearns-Sayer syndrome fits the symptoms. [takes a name from the stocking and tucks it into his jacket's inner pocket without Even looking.

[Assistant] No family history of Kearns. Go to their House �


[User] [interrupts] They would have told us if there were any other drugs. You met her, she couldn't have been more candid.

[Assistant] You're absolutely right. Go to their House �


[User] [cuts him off again] MS or a vascular pRoblem fits better. They could affect hands and eyes.

[Assistant] Fine. Do an MRI, check for MS. And a fluorescein angiogram of her eyes to see if we missed a bleed somewhere. Oh! And whoEver goes to their House! get me their computers. You talk to your kid about sex so she'll think you're being open about Everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don't want to talk about. [goes to grab the last name from the stocking for himself]


[User] That's right. Her honesty proves just how dishonest she is.

[Assistant] [looks at the slip of paper] Yes! Exactly who I wanted. This is going to be fun.


[User] What's with the Secret Santa? You trying to bring them together?

[Assistant] I want to drive them apart.


[User] With gift giving?

[Assistant] Conflict's built right into the name. Santa's about sharing, secret's about withholding. [scores a goal and continues on playing by himself]


[User] Aside from the Trojan horse, gifts don't usually �

[Assistant] [interrupts] What did you get your wife for your final anniversary?


[User] [thinks about it for a second] Uh! a sweater.

[Assistant] She hated it.


[User] She loved it.

[Assistant] Then you didn't buy it. [scores another goal, for the other team]


[User] I! gave her some cash and!

[Assistant] [stops and turns to look at Wilson, obviously not impressed] Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person and nothing pisses off a person more than being shoved in the wrong pigeon hole.


[User] Fluorescein angiogram was clear. No leaks, no lesions, definitely not a vascular pRoblem.

[Assistant] [frowns at the computer, still having no luck] Someone get their birthdays out of the file.


[User] Except she can't see out of them.

[Assistant] [rifling through files on the computer] So she says. Find anything on the MRI?


[User] Except she can't see or move her hands.

[Assistant] [with more emphasis this time] So she says.


[User] Her brain is. What if it's a conversion disorder?

[Assistant] [musingly] Lacks personal boundaries! Promiscuous! Inappropriate obsession with truth-telling! Certainly sounds like a psych case.


[User] Cool. I'll set up a psych consult and start her on anti-depressants. [starts to leave]

[Assistant] Nope. Her mind is tricking her body. We need to trick her mind. Or Even better.


[User] You don't need her.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] Then this serves no medical purpose.

[Assistant] You have a genetic defect, you choose to ignore it. This Woman has a genetic defect, chooses to butcher herself to be safe. Yet what you claim to be fascinated by, is her honesty. Interesting.


[User] You claim to want the truth, and then you screw with people who actually live by it. Pathetic.

[Assistant] Hey, I gave you credit for interesting. You're protecting her because you're jealous she did what you couldn't. I need you.


[User] [turns back around and shakes her head] I'm not lying to her.

[Assistant] Fine, keep your mouth shut. I still need you. If it doesn't work, you gotta hold the kid down until someone else finishes lying to mom. That does actually serve a medical purpose. Jane.


[User] I have to lie because she trusts me?

[Assistant] If you show doubt, the placebo treatment won't work.


[User] If it's just depression, that's good news right?

[Assistant] [nods] A lot of great medications.


[User] So why can't we just give her those? Why do we have to lie to her?

[Assistant] Because we might be wrong. And those medications take a long time to work and since your mom's condition is declining, there's a chance the drugs won't tell us anything until it's too late.


[User] [still doesn't seem convinced] My mom's not depressed.

[Assistant] Maybe she's hiding it from you.


[User] [shakes her head] No. She wouldn't �

[Assistant] Just doing what Every good mom does. Protecting her Parkld from bad news that she can't do anything about.


[User] My mom's nEver lied to me.

[Assistant] You don't know how to lie. You don't know how to tell when you're being lied to.


[User] [stares at him for a moment and then drops her eyes, seemingly less unconvinced now] Maybe you're right!

[Assistant] I know �


[User] You gave them all your name?

[Assistant] Mm-hmm. Figured I could sow some dissension and get a few ties and sweaters.


[User] What happens when they find out?

[Assistant] It's Secret Santa.


[User] [nods] What happens when they find out?

[Assistant] [shrugs] They'll argue about what to do with that information. Ties are less important than the dissension.


[User] Swollen lymph nodes were cutting off Maggie's airway. We shrunk them with alcohol, she's breathing on her own now.

[Assistant] [head in his hand, looking disappointed] Well, that sucks. 4300 saved emails and not a single mention of "lesbionic"�, "sanchez"� or "Man-gina"�. Swollen lymph nodes means it wasn't psychological.


[User] Who's that from?

[Assistant] [glances to the present] Santa, obviously. 'Cause you know I worship him. [pauses and frowns] No wait, I mean Satan. I always get them confused. [continues to read through emails] What is! an alpine butterfly? And why is she learning how to do one?


[User] House, we already have a full history. You don't need to waste time �

[Assistant] [interrupts] It's just a climbing knot.


[User] But what does she use it for? Try "bondage"�.

[Assistant] I did once. [sarcastically] And she just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.


[User] No fEver, no elevated white count.

[Assistant] [still staring at the screen, then laughs in a mocking way] That's funny! Friend sent her a Garfield cartoon. That cat sure does love lasagna.


[User] House. [finally had enough and slams the laptop lip on top of his hand] Stop obsessing.

[Assistant] [pausing for a moment] If it weren't for my obsessions, you wouldn't know that she has sarcoidosis. Eighteen months ago, she sold her Stairmaster. It was only two months old. Now either she needed the cash or climbing stairs was getting more difficult. [takes a sip out of his cup and continues to scroll through the emails to show them] Twelve months ago, she cancelled a hiking trip. Now she either just wanted to sit home and watch TV or walking was getting more difficult. She's been suffering joint pain for the last two years. Pull my ribbon. [mockingly seductive] If you know what I mean.


[User] ACE lEvels are too low for sarcoidosis. [stares at him for a moment and then pulls the ribbon]

[Assistant] That's not what I meant. [proceeds to open the present] Could just be an inactive phase.


[User] It's not Christmas yet.

[Assistant] I remembered. I'm not a Satanist, I'm a druid.


[User] No lung involvement.

[Assistant] Yet.


[User] We'll need a bronchoalveolar lavage to confirm it.

[Assistant] [makes a sad face] That's a shame. I'm not gonna surprise her with one for Christmas. Wow! [grins] Now either that cost more than 25 bucks or I'm seriously starting to doubt Steve Jobs' business strategies. Thanks!


[User] House obviously gave the present to himself.

[Assistant] [pleased] They're arguing right now.


[User] I've been looking for this all morning.

[Assistant] Did you look in the box on my desk? Oh by the way, your mom called. Your dad's dead.


[User] [puts the iPhone back into his pocket and raises an eyebrow] You left the present sitting on your desk?

[Assistant] It wouldn't have been as effective sitting in my closet in my home.


[User] They're gonna know it's from you.

[Assistant] No, they're gonna guess that it was from me. Might Even be 90% sure that it was from me but all that means is, they're 10% sure that one of the other guys is screwing them over.


[User] [blinks at that overwhelming explanation and gets up to dump his plate] Have you Ever considered channeling your powers to, I don't know! bring peace to the mid-east?

[Assistant] [gets up to follow him] I couldn't do that.


[User] But if they Ever got it, you could screw it up.

[Assistant] Yeah. That's more where my powers lie.


[User] But she's bleeding into her eyes now.

[Assistant] [looks genuinely concerned] Have her platelets dropped?


[User] [continues to contribute] Hemolytic uremic syndrome, sepsis, lupus �

[Assistant] [frowns at them mockingly] Listing all the possible causes is only impressive if you can do it rEverse alphabetically. We need to know why her platelet maParkne is broken. Go to the factory. Do a bone marrow aspiration.


[User] I'm your Secret Santa.

[Assistant] [lowers his voice] Well you're not supposed to tell.


[User] But you got a present already. Which means you have more than one Secret Santa.

[Assistant] Or! somebody else wants to make me happy.


[User] [looks unconvinced and a little hurt but reaches into his pocket and hands House a present with a smile] Merry Christmas.

[Assistant] On one hand, you should be in bed. [shuts the door] On the other hand, I told you to rest so! I see your dilemma.


[User] I don't think resting is the pRoblem. Can strep cause this? [pulls away her scarf to rEveal red bulbous little growths all along her neck. They're on the backs of her hands too.]

[Assistant] [in a singsong-y voice] Clap on.


[User] Trust me, first place I went. No rash on my labia. Do you need to take a look?

[Assistant] [wants to say yes but then shuts his mouth] I'm saving my money for a Red Ryder BB-gun. Darker shade of lipstick?


[User] I'm not wering any.

[Assistant] [leans closer to inspect her lips presumably] You tell your mother what you do? Doesn't matter. I'm curious.


[User] I don't need to break her heart just do I can feel righteous.

[Assistant] [touches a finger to her lips and feels them] You do a donkey show? [a purposeful pause] I'm not curious. It matters.


[User] It's a donkey or a mule! [gives him a knowing look] I can nEver remember.

[Assistant] Wow! That is a creepy smile. [cringes lightly] I bet the donkey's is Even creepier.


[User] [laughs lightly] Do I have to explain?

[Assistant] Nope. It's my job. Contagious ecthyma. Any contact can cause rashes, flu symptoms, sore throat. Has there been! contact? [cringing again] [starts writing her prescription] Okay. Antibiotic cream for you and a love glove for Francis. You'll both be fine.


[User] [turns to grab an ad from her purse, which she hands to him] You should come see the show. I think you'd like it. [another insinuating smile]

[Assistant] Sorry, I hate Westerns.


[User] It circulated, the camera picked up �

[Assistant] [interrupts them] Hey, hey. It's Christmas! Why are you guys fighting?


[User] Just means the density was consistent, doesn't mean it was cold. It's possible! all she has are hotspots. It's consistent because her entire skeleton is turning to stone.

[Assistant] Good for an aspiring superhero. Fatal for a huMan hoping to make it to Kwanzaa.


[User] Well it's gotta be from a carbonic anhydrase type 2 deficiency.

[Assistant] It has free will. It doesn't have to be anything doesn't want to be.


[User] I meant, if it's not CAII! well, none of the other causes of osteopetrosis are treatable.

[Assistant] [to Kutner] You're right, it's gotta be. Go run her blood and hope that your sunny optimism isn't misplaced. They accused Kutner of screwing up a test. Because they hate him.


[User] You're surprised? That's the sort of crap that happens when you mess with people's heads.

[Assistant] Well one day he will screw up a test. If they don't accuse him of that because they like him, someone could die. [a pause] Where are we going?


[User] Donor bank turned up a 49 year old Man in ClEveland who's a five out of six HLA match. First flight out of ClEveland leaves �

[Assistant] [interrupts] Why is a 49 year old ClEveland Man a closer match than her daughter?


[User] He may not be. Maggie didn't let us test her.

[Assistant] [frowns and stop playing with his watch] Why not?


[User] [looks around] House.

[Assistant] You're wrong about sainted mommy.


[User] Is that from Taub?

[Assistant] [purposefully articulate] Yes. Yes, it is.


[User] [pulls out a gift as well and sighs, dropping it onto his desk] Merry Christmas. Who's going to tell the Patient she's dying?

[Assistant] [gaze lingers on her for a moment and then drops Taub's present back onto his desk as well] I will. And nobody leaves here until we find out what killed her.


[User] I can't be dying.

[Assistant] Sure you can.


[User] You're wrong. [pushing down tears] You don't Even know what I have.

[Assistant] What you have, is one last Christmas with your daughter. One last chance to give her a present. [a purposeful pause] The truth. Inexpensive, highly valued, nEver have to stand in line to return it the day after Christmas.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] A mother who's going to die doesn't refuse a donor test because it might hurt. She refuses when she knows it won't match. Which tends to happen when mother and daughter aren't mother and daughter. I could do DNA tests, if you'd rather keep lying to me.


[User] [shakes her head, obviously conflicted] I nEver wanted kids. I love them but with my genes! I knew this Woman, a drug addict. She got pregnant, didn't want to have an abortion. But she also didn't want her daughter to Ever know who her real mother was. What she was. I promised nEver to tell.

[Assistant] A promise to an addict is worth more than a promise to your daughter?


[User] It'd be cruel to tell her.

[Assistant] Right. [shrugs] She lives a lie, you get to die a hypocrite.


[User] [in disbelief, softly] That was cold.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] What did you get for Christmas?

[Assistant] I got a watch, a vintage LP, and a second edition Conan Doyle. If that wasn't bad enough, my Patient's dying.


[User] [sighs] Christmas deaths in a hospital, nothing more depressing. No one Ever wants to go in the Patient's room, Even the candy stripers leave them alone. [shivers from the cold]

[Assistant] I saw something amazing. Pure truth. She told her mother that she was dying. Stripped her of all hope.


[User] That sounds! horrible.

[Assistant] It's like watParkng some! bizarre astronomical Event that you know you're nEver going to see again.


[User] [unconvinced] You tell people the cold hard truth all the time. You get off on it.

[Assistant] Because I don't care. She cared. She did it anyway. [frowns for a second] She did it because she cared.


[User] [nods sarcastically] The angels of Christmas have finally given House a present he can appreciate.

[Assistant] Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ, he's got enough nails in him. [scowls at Wilson's reindeer hat]


[User] Patient had to die but �

[Assistant] [cuts him off] Why don't you take off that hat?


[User] It's Christmas! It's a reindeer.

[Assistant] It's a moose, on a Jew.


[User] Who cares?

[Assistant] [sighs] Things have their place. You wouldn't hang dreidels from a Christmas tree.


[User] You could. Things don't care.

[Assistant] No. They don't. [turns and goes back into the hospital]


[User] Happy Solstice, House.

[Assistant] [enters] To save us all from Satan's power, when we were gone astray. Have you people no holiday spirit? Bring me the eggnog of good cheer!


[User] House, if you have something to say, say it. If you don't, give us a chance to get home before Santa.

[Assistant] [stares at him] Scrooge. Give the Patient rispiradone.


[User] That's an anti-psychotic. She's dying, she's not crazy.

[Assistant] I am going to perform a Christmas miracle.


[User] You said all the causes of osteopetrosis were fatal.

[Assistant] Except for the one we discounted early, because it was impossible. When fetus forms, it's just a mass of cells. [continues feeling her body, working down her shoulders] Breast tissue covers extensive portions of the body. As the fetus dEvelops, most of this tissue recedes, remaining only in the fun places. [feeling down at her hip now] But sometimes, extra breast tissue is left behind in places where it doesn't belong. [down to her legs now] Rispiradone does a lot of things. One is, it makes breast tissue swell so we can find it more easily.


[User] You're telling me I could have breast cancer? Somewhere not in my breast? That doesn't make sense.

[Assistant] Taub's parents have a winter condo in Florida. They're still New Yorkers.


[User] Actually, my parents �

[Assistant] [interrupts] Don't care. I told a parable. And now, I'm going to raise the dead! [to Thirteen] Give me that syringe.


[User] That's gotta be a fat deposit.

[Assistant] Yes, I could be wrong. If I am, she's dead so shut up.


[User] What's that?

[Assistant] Rispiradone also causes galactorrhea. [pulls the needle out]


[User] What's that? Galactic!?

[Assistant] Open your mouth. Relax, you've had it before.


[User] Milk? Eww! [wipes her mouth and Parkn, obviously disgusted]

[Assistant] We'll cut out your mom's tumor and start her on chemo. All the rest of your symptoms should go away.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] Have a wonderful life. [exits]


[User] Why do I Even give you an office? New case. Psych department asked for you personally.

[Assistant] Patient's a crazy person?


[User] You're a crazy person. Patient's a psyParkatrist.

[Assistant] [Still fiddling with the TV] There's something wrong with coma guy's cable.


[User] He seems fine with it. Your Patient is an adjunct faculty member here but currently... [House whacks the side of the TV.] The budget committee voted to charge for cable in the Patient rooms.

[Assistant] Slippery slope. Today we withhold porn, tomorrow it's clean bandages.


[User] Talk to Carlson in Derm, he runs the budget committee... After you look at this. [Hands him the file.]

[Assistant] After you talk to Carlson, maybe I'll...


[User] The Patient is trapped at the South Pole. [House takes the file and Cuddy leaves.]

[Assistant] Well that wouldn't be any fun. And for the next two months, winds make it impossible to fly anything in or out.


[User] Or a kidney stone.

[Assistant] That wouldn't be any fun. If it's appendicitis down there, her appendix ruptures, she dies, there's nothing we can do. If it's stones, she takes pain meds, the stone passes, there's nothing we need to do.


[User] It's possible. She's on birth control. Lots of sex could lead to urinary tract infection, which could lead to an infection-laced struvite kidney stone.

[Assistant] Excessive Antarctic drilling. Bad for the environment and the ladies. This is where it gets fun. [Dumps a box of stuff on the table.] These are the supplies and medications she has available.


[User] What else do they have down there?

[Assistant] I just said...


[User] I don't mean medical stuff, other stuff. Some geological equipment breaks ice and rock the same way we break kidney stones. [Everyone stares at him.] Discovery channel. I like watParkng them blow stuff up.

[Assistant] Who doesn't? That reminds me. [Leaves.] Coma guy needs cable. Women's billiards is the only thing that's keeping him alive.


[User] I'm sure Carlson will be moved by HIS plight.

[Assistant] Carlson won't listen to me since I hit on his wife.


[User] [Smiles.] You knew? [Starts reading a file.]

[Assistant] God no. I thought I was hitting on his daughter. [Cameron rolls her eyes.] Look, you're on the committee. He'll listen to you. [Cameron looks surprised.] I'm an avid reader of committees with hotties message boards.


[User] [Walks over to a Patients bed and hands the file to a nurse.] Amoxicillin, 500 milligrams IV. [Moves onto another Patient and picks up the chart.]

[Assistant] [Following her.] Studies conducted in major hospitals indiCate that happy Patients recover faster. Studies conducted in my apartment show that TV makes people happy. Premium channels have a particularly striking effect.


[User] Charging Patients for cable is bringing in 13 grand a month.

[Assistant] Until this injustice is righted, I am going to waste 13 grand a day. [Tips out a box of tongue depressors onto the floor. Cameron just looks at him.] It's 2 dollars 49 cents down.


[User] [Hands the chart to a nurse.] Get an EKG and a cardiac enzyme. If those check out, discharge him and tell him to get a snow blower.

[Assistant] [Pulls out rubber gloves one at a time from a box and throws them on the ground.] How much is 13 grand divided by 4 cents?


[User] [Takes the box off him.] I am not giving you cable. You're going to have to somehow survive with the broadcast networks alone.

[Assistant] I'll be fine on Tuesdays. [Cameron pulls the curtain in front of him.]


[User] Some are bigger than others. Some are inside me.

[Assistant] How's it going, team MacGyver? [Sees the screen.] Oh, great. I can't get cable, but I can get the South Pole on hi-def.


[User] We're almost ready to start the test.

[Assistant] Test? Did Ford test the Edsel? Did Coke test New Coke? Did Shakespeare test his final play, Snow Dogs?


[User] I'm guessing you're Dr House? I was wondering when you might drop by.

[Assistant] Can she see me?


[User] Oh yeah.

[Assistant] Think Jagger shows up for the sound check? [Cate walks away from the camera.] Okay. Roadies, off the stage. Go help Cameron in the ER.


[User] Why? No way you're just doing her a favour.

[Assistant] ER is standing room only. Which means Cameron's bound to make a mistake. Find it so I can blackmail her. As far as you know, this is way more than just some silly battle over cable. [New fellows leave, Foreman sits down.]


[User] Ready. [Cate starts the test which is an egg in a jar of water. They watch as the egg cracks open. Then the jar explodes.]

[Assistant] You, you might want to just, dial it down a smidge.


[User] I am not doing this. [Sits down in front of the camera.] Your kidney stone theory hinges on me having sex, but I...

[Assistant] Let me guess. You're as pure as the driven snow.


[User] Only if the snow likes to be on top. But I am here doing psychological research, generally not a good idea to swap fluids with your subjects.

[Assistant] Struvite stones are possible in people who don't have sex. They're certainly possible in people who claim not to have...


[User] I've had no UTIs. No pain on urination.

[Assistant] You do realise that only one of us is a real doctor?


[User] That'll tell us if her kidney function's declining. If it is, he's right. Struvite stone's most likely explanation. If not, she's right. [Foreman looks at House who just stares at him.] Sorry, I know how you like to avoid avoiding confrontation.

[Assistant] While we're waiting for that test to prove me right, start IV cefuroxime. Keep the infection in the stone from wiping out your kidneys.


[User] I'll send the chem 7 results when I'm done. [Turns off the camera.]

[Assistant] She's a great psyParkatrist. One session, I've got shrinkage.


[User] [Overhearing them.] No. [They stop and look back.]

[Assistant] Your chem 7 results show that your kidney function is declining. Sounds like a kidney stone to me.


[User] The decreased function could be from dehydration caused by vomiting due to a gallstone.

[Assistant] You agreed that the chem 7 would decide if it was a struvite stone.


[User] While you're waiting, we should run another test with the geology equipment...

[Assistant] You're not taking the cefuroxime. She's right handed. Means she would've put the IV in her left arm. Catheter in the arm makes it hard to bend the elbow the way people do when they drink!


[User] We have a limited supply of medication and I'm not about to waste it.

[Assistant] Last I checked, you had a limited supply of doctors.


[User] Right before I got sick, one of my crew members sEvered his femoral artery. He needs the cefuroxime. [Starts breathing heavily.]

[Assistant] Right, he called dibs.


[User] His need is definitive. Mine is speculative.

[Assistant] You're breathing fast.


[User] It's because I'm pissed off!

[Assistant] Lift up your Parkn. Show me your windpipe. [She does so, both Foreman and House move closer to the screen for a better look.]


[User] It's deviating to the left.

[Assistant] Means her right lung is collapsing.


[User] You need to call someone.

[Assistant] There's no time. Get a syringe and a needle.


[User] Why am I doing!

[Assistant] Shut up and look. [Cate does as she's told.]


[User] She could pass out. She needs...

[Assistant] She needs to re-inflate that lung. [Cate finds a needle.] Okay, now pull out that plunger. I want you to stab yourself in your right side between the second and third rib in the midclavicular line. [Cate pulls out the plunger but hesitates.] By the time we get someone else there, you'll have suffoCated. Just do it. [Cate stabs her chest. We see the lung expanding and hear air being released from the needle. Cate starts to breathe easier.] See all the good stuff that happens when you listen to me?


[User] Means it's not a kidney stone.

[Assistant] Right side pain, vomiting, and now a lung that gets traumatised without any trauma. Sounds odd, pRobably is odd.


[User] We should discuss this, then call her back.

[Assistant] No it's fine. I made sure we got the South Pole long distance plan. Your latest kidney function test shows...


[User] I know what it shows, I ran it.

[Assistant] The more you interrupt, the longer my grandstanding is going to take.


[User] Since when do you let Patients participate in differentials?

[Assistant] Since the Patient and her doctor happen to be the same person. Your kidney function is still declining, means you have a kidney pRoblem.


[User] But not one that needed antibiotics. Makes us equally wrong.

[Assistant] No, makes us both wrong. Not equally. You were at least six wronger. They run a PPD before you shipped out?


[User] Excuse us a second. [Mutes the microphone.] Cancer explains the symptoms. A tumour in her lung or kidney that threw a clot to the other organ.

[Assistant] And you're worried the tumour might overhear, realise we're on to it.


[User] Obviously you two think I'm in bad shape.

[Assistant] Only if you count the tumour.


[User] House!

[Assistant] PRobably in your abdomen. But you don't have any advanced imaging equipment. You also don't have a surgeon to biopsy it, any stains to use on the slide, or an oncologist to analyse it. [Foreman gives him a look.] We're too far away to hold her hand.


[User] Possibly.

[Assistant] Since the only imaging equipment you have is X-ray, let's start there. X-ray your entire body.


[User] I'll upload the images when I'm done. [Turns off the camera.]

[Assistant] Good for you. She's annoying. Refused to take the antibiotics because other people might need them.


[User] She said she cares about other people? What a poser. KUB is clean. You don't like her because she's a psyParkatrist.

[Assistant] I'm a compliCated Man. I loathe her for Many reasons.


[User] NEver before has a profession been so decried by someone who needed it so badly.

[Assistant] You talk a lot of smack about tranny hookers.


[User] Enlarged mediastinal node.

[Assistant] Lymphoma.


[User] PRobably, but we can't confirm it without a biopsy.

[Assistant] You can't analyse a biopsy without a stain.


[User] We can't biopsy.

[Assistant] Cause they don't have stains down there. We need a substitute.


[User] She can't biopsy that node without a surgical team and an OR.

[Assistant] Anything with a strong colour could work as a stain. Printer ink, food colouring, coffee.


[User] No thanks.

[Assistant] Find a node closer to the surface, one she can biopsy.


[User] That makes sense.

[Assistant] That makes sense?


[User] I said it first.

[Assistant] In a shockingly calm Manner, after I'd just been jerking you around for 30 seconds without you complaining or analysing said jerking.


[User] I was being mature.

[Assistant] In a lavender shirt. You for some reason are happy.


[User] How dare you? The X-rays don't show any other abnormal nodes.

[Assistant] Abnormal nodes can be felt before they can be seen on an X-ray. You're wearing that shirt for someone.


[User] The health department. They frown on topless oncology. You're going to do a physical?

[Assistant] Have to. You and Foreman are going to be here looking for a stain. [House leaves.]


[User] I can do the physical. There's no reason you need to watch.

[Assistant] I can think of at least three reasons. One of them's medical.


[User] Where are you? Not in your office.

[Assistant] You're not in the hospital. No reason for me to be.


[User] I am not undressing for you in your apartment.

[Assistant] You're not in my apartment. You're three quarters of a world away. I promise not to get fresh.


[User] I'm not taking off my clothes.

[Assistant] One of us has to.


[User] [Thinks about it.] Show me your place.

[Assistant] It's got walls, a floor, and in some places, a roof.


[User] I am not exposing myself without some reciprocity.

[Assistant] It's my apartment, it's not my soul. [Cate just sits there. Picks up the laptop and points it towards the room.] Living room.


[User] Slow down. [House moves the laptop slower, Cate notices his bookshelf.] Lots of books. I'm betting all medical.

[Assistant] [Points it back towards himself.] Only if you count Jenna Jameson's autobiography as a gynaecological text.


[User] Fiction is a waste of time unless you can laugh at it.

[Assistant] I love to laugh. Moving on. [Moves the laptop again showing a glimpse of the half bottle of bourbon on the coffee table.]


[User] Back up. [House stops.] How bad is the insomnia? Let me quantify that. Do you drink two or three scotches before passing out in front of the TV?

[Assistant] You are so far off. It's bourbon. [Gives her a better look at the bottle. Then continues showing the apartment.]


[User] No photos anywhere. Family and friends aren't important?

[Assistant] Well, you're sick. You have 20 people down the hall and you've had exactly one visitor.


[User] I don't want to panic anyone.

[Assistant] You don't like people. You hide on that ice cube so!


[User] Stop projecting. You're anti-social, so you assume I'm anti-social.

[Assistant] [Rolls his eyes.] How about if I just get naked and you shut up?


[User] If I thought I could get you naked, I would've led with that. You'd rather show me your soul than your leg.

[Assistant] Great. You've got me all figured out. You going to try and fix me now?


[User] We're going to be here all night.

[Assistant] How long does it take you to get naked?


[User] It's the South Pole. I wear a lot of layers. Okay. Ready. [Picks up the camera.]

[Assistant] I saw socks. That's not naked.


[User] Have I mentioned it's freezing here? When they discover lymph nodes in feet, I will take off my socks.

[Assistant] Use your right hand to palpate the nodes. Any node you can feel is one we can biopsy. Let's start with your breasts, move down to the ass, then...


[User] I was thinking... go from the neck and work my way down.

[Assistant] Well, you could. But I'd nEver forgive myself if we found something before we got to your breasts.


[User] I'm starting with the anterior cervical nodes. [Starts to feel her neck, House sits up and puts down the drink.]

[Assistant] Turn your head. LoCate the SCM muscle.


[User] I know how to find my lymph nodes.

[Assistant] They teach you that before or after the class on fondling your inner Parkld? [House turns on some music.]


[User] No swelling, no tenderness, and I can hear that, House.

[Assistant] Just thought it might help you relax. Anything in the axillary nodes?


[User] All clear. Both sides.

[Assistant] Slide your hand to your sternum, pRobe for nodes. Moving slowly downward. [Cate does as told.]


[User] Down to what, House?

[Assistant] Sorry, can't hear you on account of your heavy breathing.


[User] I'm supposed to be on oxygen, you tool.

[Assistant] [Turns off the music.] Hold it. [Cate stops.] Your fingers didn't go quite as deep. Feel that node again.


[User] It!it's swollen.

[Assistant] Looks like you're doing a biopsy.


[User] Okay, take a deep breath... and insert the needle into the node.

[Assistant] Come on, Cate. Let's get this over with.


[User] [Mutes the microphone.]You used her name.

[Assistant] Just trying to move things along, Bob. [Wilson un-mutes.]


[User] You need to pull back on the syringe. [Cate tries to pull but nothing happens.] You need to pull harder. [Cate does so and screams in pain as the syringe fills with some sort of yellow liquid.]

[Assistant] You okay?


[User] Are you okay?

[Assistant] It's a valid medical question.


[User] I have nEver heard you ask a Patient that question. You've nEver asked me that question, and you've seen me fall down a flight of stairs drunk. You've slept with her.

[Assistant] She's 9,000 miles away. [Elevator opens, they walk out towards the exit.] And while a certain part of me unfurled!


[User] No, you! Somehow you've been intimate with her. Why are you following me?

[Assistant] Thought you were following me.


[User] No, you are definitely following me.

[Assistant] Where are you going?


[User] Out to lunch.

[Assistant] You nEver go out to lunch. Means there's a reason you're going out to lunch. I assume that reason is a huMan being.


[User] Or a sandwich.

[Assistant] Sandwiches can come here.


[User] So can huMan beings.

[Assistant] Yet she's not, which I find interesting.


[User] I'm leaving now. [Walks away.]

[Assistant] Small world. [Follows.]


[User] Are you going to follow me into my car?

[Assistant] It's got two doors.


[User] Call off your dogs, House. Your little helpers are interrogating my Patients, swiping my charts, intercepting prescriptions.

[Assistant] Why would you think that I'm!


[User] Because I'm not a moron. You had to be pulling the strings here. You think that because they make me miserable I'm going to give you cable?

[Assistant] Let's assume that's true. And it certainly sounds like it might be. What are you going to do?


[User] Nothing. I resigned from the budget committee. [Shows House a piece of paper.] I only joined the committee to help the hospital. You made me a liability. I now have zero influence over the hospital's cable policy. [Walks away and smiles.]

[Assistant] Well done.


[User] It didn't work. There's nothing more that we can do.

[Assistant] Put these up. [Hands them some fliers.]


[User] [Reading the flier.] Free Rottweiler puppies. Please call after 11:00 pm and before 5:00 am. [Looks up at House] Is this Cameron's home number?

[Assistant] [Putting up a flier.] I love a new puppy. My last one was delicious, very tender.


[User] There's no point in torturing her.

[Assistant] If she can resign, she can un-resign. Go to def-con one. Forget waiting for a mistake, make her make one. Harm suggests perManent damage. Get her to screw up, then fix it. Oh, and this time, don't tell her what you're going to do before you do it. [Leaves.]


[User] No, I hope it's something, It's maybe [Screams.] Oh, no! I'm screwed.

[Assistant] Bad news is you're 0 for 2 in the kidney department.


[User] Is there good news? You're back at home.

[Assistant] Of course. There's cable. And the freedom to work pant-free.


[User] That is good news.

[Assistant] Wilson found signs of inflammation in your biopsy. That plus the two failing kidneys points to autoimmune disease. PRobably SLE or vasculitis. Treatment for both is prednisone. Start with 100 milligrams...


[User] Autoimmune is just your latest theory. Like cancer before that, and a kidney stone before.

[Assistant] Take the prednisone, you'll get better, that'll be your confirmation.


[User] You practice medicine like it's a fire sale. You've wasted antibiotics, X-rays.

[Assistant] That was not a waste. We ruled out!


[User] We have a crew member here who has asthma. If he has an episode after I've used up the prednisone, he'll die.

[Assistant] There a good chance he's going to die anyway, since there won't be a doctor there to help him.


[User] We should send her outside.

[Assistant] Right, just tell her to head north until she runs into a hospital.


[User] [Notices something on House's desk.] Is that my wallet?

[Assistant] Yeah, you can have it back. I've already been through it. I like your ice on a sprain metaphor. Makes it seem like we're not killing her.


[User] She'd only need to be outside five minutes.

[Assistant] Without her mittens. Mom told me that was a bad idea. Especially that winter it was 70 below and I had dual kidney failure.


[User] You didn't touch the cash, but you took the receipts?

[Assistant] [Picks up a receipt off his desk.] $190 restaurant tab. That's dessert, pRobably booze. Means you lingered. Means it's at least the third date. Means! [Starts to leave.]


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To talk to the people I pay to come up with medical ideas.


[User] There are no ideas. The test for autoimmune is ANA. Unless penguins poop immuno-analysers, she's not!

[Assistant] Before A.N.A. testing, people had autoimmune diseases. How did they know?


[User] C3.

[Assistant] Before that.


[User] You don't need them. [Holds up a paperclip.]

[Assistant] When you shake the test tube, the paperclip will damage some of your blood cells. If you have an autoimmune disease, your immune system will gorge itself on the damaged cells. They'll get big and fat so you can see them under a microscope. [She puts the test tube down and picks up the oxygen mask.] How you doing?


[User] No change. So how long should I give the cells to fatten up before I check them?

[Assistant] Couple hours. Or you could stop being a hypocrite and take the prednisone now.


[User] Not bending to your will makes me a hypocrite?

[Assistant] If your psych Patients deManded lab results, you'd nEver make a diagnosis.


[User] So I'm wrong. You sleep like a baby, your life is unfolding as you dreamed.

[Assistant] Everyone is miserable. You don't change that because people don't change.


[User] You want to beliEve that because then you're freed from any responsibility for your misery.

[Assistant] Oh shut up. I get enough of this from Wilson.


[User] And yet you keep hanging out with him. And from what I hear, you have spent more time with me than with any other Patient.

[Assistant] Sorry about that. Call me when you get the results. [Turns off the camera.]


[User] How's your Patient?

[Assistant] She has an autoimmune disease. Tell the psych department she's in denial.


[User] Taub caught the error in time. If she'd just admitted the mistake, maybe I could've just suspended her. But... she's packing up, if you want to say good-bye.

[Assistant] We should be hearing from the South Pole in a few minutes.


[User] That's it?

[Assistant] Well there's nothing to be done. She screwed up. She's got no one to blame but herself. [Cuddy leaves.]


[User] I got to go talk to Cameron.

[Assistant] Cuddy wouldn't can her for one screw-up and if she did, she wouldn't come to me. And if she did, she wouldn't open with, "how's your Patient." And if she did...


[User] Why would she lie?

[Assistant] Timeless question. In this case, she conspired with your coworkers to teach me that some things are more important than cable. And I'm gonna have to teach them that they're wrong. Come on, South Pole really should be calling. [Motions for Foreman to give him money to pay for his food.]


[User] LE Prep test was negative. It's not autoimmune.

[Assistant] You're basing that on a test done with a paperclip. Just take the prednisone.


[User] Either find another diagnosis or find another test.

[Assistant] There is one way. You can take this experimental drug called... pred-ni-sone! Your Kidneys start working...


[User] There is another test.

[Assistant] [Scrunches his Parkp packet near the microphone.] I, I think Foreman may have just broken up there. What he actually said was there is no other test.


[User] If I go outside, we'll have our answer? [Foreman nods.] [To House.] And you knew about this?

[Assistant] I rejected it because if you're frozen solid, it's hard to get the needles into your arms.


[User] At least five minutes.

[Assistant] Eight minutes outside would kill a healthy person. And healthy people don't suck on oxygen masks. Healthy people can pee.


[User] I'll go get Sean, have him come with me. [Starts taking off layers.]

[Assistant] Just take the prednisone!


[User] Are you all right? [She collapses.]

[Assistant] Oh I'm sure she's just fine. Cate? [To Foreman] Do you know if there's anyone down there who has a cell phone.


[User] Took the station mechanic 20 minutes to respond. She'd already slipped into a coma. Started her on prednisone, but no improvement.

[Assistant] Means it's not autoimmune. Good thing she's in a coma, or we'd have to listen to her gloat.


[User] And where are we going?

[Assistant] To find the useful members of my team.


[User] You're letting them off the hook?

[Assistant] Happy? Because of you, I'm not going to be able to watch law and order in Korean.


[User] Why am I here?

[Assistant] Because I want to ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is or you'd have told me her name.


[User] She doesn't have a name. It's some sort of birth defect.

[Assistant] There's only about 12 people we both know. I can't remember five of their names, so we're down to... Cuddy! Your ex-wives...


[User] Your mama. [Elevator opens, they walk out.] You need to run a kidney function test.

[Assistant] Yes, if only she wasn't in a coma, we could get her to run a test to find out why she's in a coma. The results would likely be paradoxical. Can't be Cuddy, 'cause you're straight. Can't be!


[User] We could talk the mechanic through the test.

[Assistant] Too compliCated... Unless he's thirsty.


[User] And then you can fix it?

[Assistant] Let's say yeah.


[User] Take a straight catheter and insert it...

[Assistant] These are your only questions? Not, is it safe? Or, is there another way? Or, are you out of your minds?


[User] You wouldn't ask me if!

[Assistant] Wait a second. You're in love with her. That explains why you're so eager to get her naked, then have a drink. Cause most guys like to go the other way around.


[User] Why do you care how I feel about her?

[Assistant] Because now, I know that I can get you to do anything to save her. Tell him how to tap the keg. [Leaves.] You got Cameron fired.


[User] Cuddy wasn't supposed to find out.

[Assistant] No kidding! Get me cable. How tough can that be? Cost a Woman her job. There's only one thing you can say to keep me from firing you. Wrong.


[User] We're still fired?

[Assistant] That should be a hint as to what you're supposed to say.


[User] We're sorry.

[Assistant] Wrong.


[User] I love you.

[Assistant] Wrong. Right. You should've said this two days ago. Do not play games with me. Number one, you're going to lose, you're just not ready. Number two, the game was to force you to stop playing games. I need you to stand up to me. Challenge me. I need you to stop worrying about getting fired. Go pay for my cable. [Starts to leave.]


[User] No!

[Assistant] I didn't mean on this. Seriously, I need cable. Milk, milk, lemonade?


[User] This tastes kind of watery.

[Assistant] That's bad news.


[User] How do you figure out which one it is?

[Assistant] We don't do anything. You're going to drill a hole in her skull. If she regains consciousness, it's increased intracranial pressure.


[User] And if it's the other thing?

[Assistant] She'll die. But if it's the hypothalamus, she's dead anyway.


[User] If the pRoblem is the pressure in her brain, and I fix it, is she going to be all better?

[Assistant] Nope, but it'll give us more time to figure out what's wrong.


[User] [Starts to panic.] I have to get someone else. I can't do this.

[Assistant] You love her, right? You'd do anything to save her.


[User] Not this. I can't do this. If, if she dies because of something that I did, then I!

[Assistant] Listen, listen. I am not going to let you hurt her. Okay? Now please... This is her only chance.


[User] Okay. [Gets up and walks towards Cate.]

[Assistant] Well, that was easy.


[User] Bone's harder than wood, lean into it. The skull's only a quarter-inch thick. Once you're midway through, drill in shorter bursts. [Sean does as he's told.]

[Assistant] If it comes out the other side, you've gone too far.


[User] [The drill gets through the bone and Sean stops it.] Okay, now what? Now what?

[Assistant] Let the fluid drain. [Blood starts to come out of the hole in Cate's head. After a few seconds Cate starts to wake up.]


[User] Sean? What's going on?

[Assistant] South Pole doc is out of her coma, and now we have a new symptom. Increased intracranial pressure.


[User] Why are we out here?

[Assistant] That's the Patient room. ICP plus kidney pRoblems plus lung collapse equals?


[User] We ruled out cancer.

[Assistant] But not clots. What causes blood clots?


[User] Deep vein thrombosis plus an existing PFO.

[Assistant] PFO would've been discovered in her pre-South Pole physical exam.


[User] What if the clots aren't clots? Atherosclerosis. Fatty plaque builds up on the arterial walls, pieces break off, block blood flow. Explains Everything.

[Assistant] She has zero risk factors. Forget fat, think clots.


[User] No.

[Assistant] You're standing up to me?


[User] Maybe.

[Assistant] Just to clarify. You should do that when you're right. Sorry for the confusion. How could a clot!


[User] Could be a different kind of fat, fat emboli.

[Assistant] That's a perfect fit... Except it's completely impossible! Fat emboli requires an unrepaired bone break. Between the x-ray and the exam, I've seen her entire! [Epiphany.] See, that's what I'm talking about. [Kutner bows.] Take off her socks. [Sean moves to her feet.]


[User] No, I got it. [Takes off her sock rEvealing quite a badly broken big toe.]

[Assistant] Your toe is broken.


[User] Oh, my god.

[Assistant] Bits of bone marrow have been leaking into your blood stream. Those fat emboli have caused blockages in your kidney, lungs, and brain.


[User] It doesn't Even hurt.

[Assistant] Cold numbs Everything. Does a particularly great job on the extremities.


[User] You'll need to close the break to stop the marrow from leaking.

[Assistant] This one you will feel.


[User] [To Sean] Will you do it?

[Assistant] He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your pee. I think he's up for this.


[User] Grab the tip of her toe with your right hand. Hold the break with the other. [Sean does as he's told.] On the count of three, pull hard. One... two... three. [Sean pulls, we hear a loud crack and Cate screams.]

[Assistant] Now splint your toe. You'll be fine.


[User] Thank you, House.

[Assistant] Don't thank me. He's the one who saved your life. [Cate looks at Sean. They smile and hug. During the hug Cate looks back towards House and smiles. House turns off the camera.] He likes her. [House leaves.]


[User] [To waiter.] A bottle of the Bordeaux and some sParkling water.

[Assistant] Well, you didn't pick her up. Which means she's coming from work too. Which means you're comfortable enough to meet her.


[User] Damn. Thought I lost you when I walked backwards through my own footprints in the snow.

[Assistant] I think I've got it narrowed down to three possibilities.


[User] Better leave, if you see her, it'll be cheating.

[Assistant] It's not one of your ex-wives.


[User] Because they hate me.

[Assistant] They don't. They should, but they don't. I called them. Someone new, but someone I know.


[User] Did you Ever consider being happy for me?

[Assistant] Briefly. You ordering the wine before she got here!


[User] Girls are good, House. And you know it. You solved your case because you cared about that girl.

[Assistant] You're demonstrating the illusion of Manly confidence. Which means you haven't closed the deal yet.


[User] I closed the deal. I just like her.

[Assistant] Still?


[User] You knew your Patient hated having cold feet because you did a physical exam, because you liked her.

[Assistant] Your theory is I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that's what love is, then I don't want to have anything to do with it.


[User] It starts with warm feet but leads to other things. Your mom and I will explain when you're older.

[Assistant] If I'd made her take them off like I should've, I would've seen the toe and would've solved the case days ago.


[User] Sorry I'm late.

[Assistant] [Shocked.] Cut throat bitch?


[User] I know you chose well for me. I've been blessed.

[Assistant] Cross-species mating. I feel like Darwin in the Galapagos.


[User] Amber and I have a lot in common.

[Assistant] She's a Cutthroat Bitch. You cry over Dark Victory.


[User] Bette Davis - another strong, assertive Woman.

[Assistant] You don't like strong, you don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying, is she?


[User] [acting mournful] Yes. Go 'way.

[Assistant] I give it two months.


[User] Hundred bucks.

[Assistant] Not really fair. You're not objective. [shrugs] But I'm all about the teaParkng...


[User] [interrupts] We're at four months.

[Assistant] [genuinely surprised, sounding hurt] You hid this from me?


[User] I was wrong, okay? I thought you'd be upset. I thought you'd track me down in the hallways, and...

[Assistant] You shouldn't have discounted the sex. She's obviously limber enough to put off the meltdown for two months.


[User] She's not needy. I don't need needy.

[Assistant] She's scary. Why does Scary need Pathetic?


[User] Are you gonna talk to her?

[Assistant] [acts helpless] I don't see that I have any choice. You all right with that? No impulse to save her from me?


[User] Thirty-eight-year-old female with loss of bladder control, blood in her urine and a broken leg from collapsing at her wedding.

[Assistant] Ampicillin for the UTI. [hands the folder back to Thirteen] Shiny cast for the leg. [to all] You guys know Wilson's dating Amber?


[User] [holding out the folder again] Cultures were negative for UTIs. No signs of previous trauma or STDs.

[Assistant] Kidney cancer.


[User] CT was clean for tumors and kidney stones.

[Assistant] [to Kutner] I thought Amber scared you guys.


[User] She does. But she also has legs that go all the way up to Canada.

[Assistant] So do Canadians. Doesn't mean I wanna date one.


[User] Low sodium could also be from low food. Hasidic Jews fast on their wedding day.

[Assistant] Or... sodium was absorbed by a toxin already in her system. [to Kutner] Was it just the legs? Or did you detect something resembling a soul?


[User] That much carbolic acid, someone would've had to poison her.

[Assistant] Coulda been a Cossack. If this was eighteenth-century Poland and Cossacks were into Household cleansers. Which is why it's more likely that the poisoner was "poisonee".


[User] Suicide's a sin.

[Assistant] Corollary of "people lie" is "people sin". In my world, "people" includes Jews.


[User] She was getting married.

[Assistant] Hasidic women marry young so they can start pushing out little Hasidilings. Thirty-eight means a Woman not on anyone's hot-list. Being pushed onto a guy who's not on anyone's hot-list. No way out, no way out...


[User] [interrupts] Endometriosis fits better than an epiphany that her life is meaningless. We should start her on AIs and do a cystoscopy to confirm.

[Assistant] Fine. Check her innards for bad cells and her home for bad karma. Carbolic acid should be on her shelf, right next to the regret and the self-loathing.


[User] [almost feeling sorry for her, because...] So you can nEver watch Star Wars again.

[Assistant] You figured that I'll hire you... ... if you promised to dump Wilson.


[User] How did you...?

[Assistant] Wilson had a key. You figure that I'll make your life hell at first, but I'll Eventually see how good you are and keep you.


[User] [dryly] It's a good plan, don't you think? Perfectly tailored to your personality.

[Assistant] No, it's not. You know it's not. Means you just wanna stay in my orbit 'cause you figure I'll Eventually realize that I made a mistake and you're gonna be able to rub my face in it.


[User] [humoring him] I can't wait. It's gonna be awesome.

[Assistant] No, it's not. And you know it's not. 'Cause you know that Even if I made a mistake, I'd nEver admit that I made a mistake. Which means that you're just toying with Wilson to toy with me. [drops the book on the nearby table] Your goal is pure feral vengeance.


[User] Innocent bystander, but there's a greater good.

[Assistant] No, that's not it. Because a bag of flaming poop bypasses the bystander.


[User] So... which is it, House? Am I in this for you? Or am I in this for him?

[Assistant] Give him back his sweatshirt. 'Pit stains don't become you.


[User] Cryoglobulinemia might account for the symptoms.

[Assistant] Except for the one you missed.


[User] There's no change in her condition.

[Assistant] I'm not talking about a new symptom. I'm talking about one that presented six months ago.


[User] Look, she's nuts, but we can't just give her ten ccs of atheism and send her home.

[Assistant] Religion is a symptom of irrational belief and groundless hope. Altered mental status, on the other hand, is a symptom of porphyria.


[User] She didn't dEvelop uncontrollable anger, crying, anxiety. She just decided to go to temple.

[Assistant] The Woman didn't _just_ choose to keep kosher. [sits] She went directly to the extremes of Hasidism, a life of stringent rules. She became a masoParkst.


[User] She didn't like her old life, so she changed it.

[Assistant] People don't change. They might want to. They need to.


[User] [pointing at Taub] Taub gave up a six figure plastic surgery career for this job. That mean he has porphyria?

[Assistant] He switched jobs to save his marriage. He did it to avoid change.


[User] No, no, if she walked away from Everything to go base jumping or live with apes, we wouldn't be having this discussion.

[Assistant] We would if she was also tinkling blood out of her overexcited bladder. Pump Hadassah full of hematin and give her a phlebotomy.


[User] Then we will settle for second-best, someone who doesn't think my wife is sick just because she's religious.

[Assistant] If you prefer, I can give your wife my second-best diagnosis. D'you know Wilson's dating Amber?


[User] I have reviewed the chart. Someone on your team must have pointed out that cryoglobulinemia also fits the symptoms.

[Assistant] Yes, it fits _Many_ of the symptoms.


[User] My wife's body is sick. Her mind and soul are fine.

[Assistant] You live according to God's six hundred comMandments, right?


[User] [folding his arms] Six hundred Thirteen.

[Assistant] You understand them all?


[User] Takes a lifetime of learning...

[Assistant] But you follow the ones you don't understand because the ones you do understand make sense, and you beliEve that the guy who created them knows what he's doing.


[User] Of course.

[Assistant] So you will trust my diagnosis and you'll let me treat her, because in this temple, [scarily] I am Dr. Yahweh.


[User] I'm starting her on indomethacin for cryoglobulinemia.

[Assistant] People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep repeating "people don't change".


[User] So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist.

[Assistant] They're still alcoholics. If they nEver take a drink as long as they live, it's only 'cause they didn't live long enough.


[User] It's definitely not cryoglobulinemia.

[Assistant] [pointing upwards] Better ask Him.


[User] Her respiratory rate stabilized, and her O-sat's back up to 95. Saw Amber drop off Wilson this morning.

[Assistant] [hisses] Yes. The male always drives the female. So what caused the breathing pRoblem?


[User] Wegener's would explain her elevated sed rate.

[Assistant] Wegener's wouldn't explain the changed mental status.


[User] Actually, we've been trying to ignore that part of the whiteboard.

[Assistant] Well, I wrote it in black. I'm always serious when I use black. Lupus would explain...


[User] [interrupts] Maybe she didn't change.

[Assistant] Are you agreeing with me or you making a point?


[User] I'm making a point.

[Assistant] That's gonna take longer.


[User] How do we know that the real Roz isn't who she is now and who she was then? Can't we say that her previous life was true without making her present one a fraud?

[Assistant] "Life is messy" argument. Nice. Explains Everything without explaining anything. If it's lupus, there's a heart pRoblem we don't know about yet. Run her through a stress test. If she has a heart attack, I'm right.


[User] Or we could wait. Hope that...

[Assistant] You're afraid to give her a heart attack.


[User] Of course we're afraid to...

[Assistant] No reason to be afraid. Unless you think I'm right.


[User] But we'll have the crash cart just in case.

[Assistant] [feigning pleasant surprise] Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here? I had a sudden yen for Fusion.


[User] That's okay. [to House] Hi, Greg. And I call you Greg because we're now social equals.

[Assistant] I call you Cutthroat Bitch... well, Quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.


[User] We've been waiting for...

[Assistant] Any minute now, she's gonna hit him in the face with your testicles.


[User] She tends to treat ev... [notices House sipping Amber's drink] She tends to treat Every Event like it's the last copter out of Saigon.

[Assistant] She's the anti-Wilson. She's a force for evil.


[User] She has an annoying quality. Perhaps Even two. If I was perfect, I would date perfect.

[Assistant] You like that!


[User] It's annoying, but she's good at it.

[Assistant] Wait a second. This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves... [wide-eyed] Oh, my God. You're sleeping with me.


[User] Heart's strong enough to prove you wrong about the change in mental status.

[Assistant] Only proves this isn't lupus. Just as the leg pain proves it isn't Wegener's.


[User] Leg pain can be from nerve entrapment. We're thinking blood clot.

[Assistant] Do an MRI to look for the clot. Then do an fMRI.


[User] An MRI alone will detect...

[Assistant] If the clot hasn't dissolved. An fMRI can show signs of near-ischemic stroke in post-ischemic parts of the brain. Gimme ten bucks.


[User] No.

[Assistant] I missed lunch.


[User] I thought you went...

[Assistant] [annoyed] I missed lunch!


[User] I don't give a damn.

[Assistant] How's our Mental Yentl?


[User] MRI shows no sign of clots. fMRI shows no pRoblem areas.

[Assistant] Go restart her IV.


[User] What's wrong with it?

[Assistant] Nothing. But like so Many procedures we put Patients through, it hurts. Which, if she's enjoying it, will show up in pretty colors.


[User] [mildly outraged] This is why you wanted an fMRI?

[Assistant] It showed she didn't have a blood clot, which is diagnostically relevant. And it can show that she's become a masoParkst, also diagnostically relevant. And it'll be cool. Either explain which part of my analysis didn't make sense. Or go do it.


[User] Sorry.

[Assistant] Heavens. Look at her limbic system. Pleasure centers are lighting up like a Hanukkah bush. Foreman must have a touch like an elephant.


[User] [into microphone] Okay, Roz. We've got what we need.

[Assistant] Yes, it _was_ impressive. [tight smile]


[User] She's stabilizing.

[Assistant] Get her up. All the way up. On her feet. Make her do that again.


[User] When you stand up, your BP and heart rate are supposed to go up, not...

[Assistant] Got it. So what causes bloody urine, loss of bladder control, leg pain, altered mental status, and [backwards] pressure-blood in direction-wrong?


[User] Pheochromocytoma.

[Assistant] Low Catecholamines in the urine means no pheochromocytoma in the Jewess.


[User] Could be systemic sclerosis.

[Assistant] [reminding] Mental status!


[User] She was praying.

[Assistant] She was in pain. You no longer think she's crazy?


[User] I can... see why she'd be attracted... to that life.

[Assistant] [shrugs defeatedly] You drank the Manishewitz-flavored Kool-Aid.


[User] I'm not saying I agree. I'm just saying...

[Assistant] That there's a rational basis for the irrational.


[User] They have something we don't have.

[Assistant] Imaginary friends.


[User] If the toaster's not working, wiring could be bad.

[Assistant] Which Debate is that metaphor supposed to help us with?


[User] Electrical pRoblem in the heart. Arrhythmia messes with the blood flow when she stands, causes low BP and heart rate. Could also impact mental status. Everybody's happy.

[Assistant] Run an EP study of her heart. Find where the wiring's verklempt. Went by your hotel this morning. They told me you moved out. Moved in with CB?


[User] No, apparently, I moved in with you.

[Assistant] The very fact that you're resisting my insight proves to me...


[User] We've known each other for years, We've put up with all kinds of crap from each other, and we keep coming back. We're a couple!

[Assistant] Are we still speaking metaphorically?


[User] Amber is exactly what I need and you would agree if you weren't mired in self-loathing topped with a thin crust of megaloMania.

[Assistant] Hey. That's my best friend's girl you're talking about. I was wrong.


[User] House, you're right.

[Assistant] She's not me. Well, she is me. But that's... not why she's attractive. She's a needy version of me.


[User] [dryly] Hard to imagine such a mythical creature.

[Assistant] You started seeing her right after I fired her.


[User] [correcting] I started seeing her four months ago.

[Assistant] [shakes his head] She told Kutner it was four weeks. You lied to me. There was money on the line.


[User] [defensively] Because I knew how you'd react, and I knew you wouldn't pay me anyway!

[Assistant] You knew that I was right.


[User] She wasn't needy. She was in a... bad situation. There's a difference.

[Assistant] Not to your libido.


[User] [smiling] Yeah, these people aren't gonna change you at all.

[Assistant] I need you to sleep with Wilson.


[User] [deadpan] Good morning.

[Assistant] He's involved with... an inappropriate Woman.


[User] His people are sheep-herders and Amber's are... cattlemen?

[Assistant] He's combined two of his worst qualities - his love for me and his love for need. As administrator of this hospital, you have to save your star oncologist.


[User] Wish I could help, but as administrator, there are some people in Accounting I'm scheduled to sleep with first.

[Assistant] Wilson has a pattern with women. He saves them, then he betrays them. Which then causes guilt. Which then causes him to go save somebody else. For example, a hospital bureaucrat nearing forty who has no personal life. I suggest you go braless.


[User] I get that "sleep with" is your way of saying I should talk to him?

[Assistant] No. I really mean "sleep with".


[User] [smiling] You're not worried this relationship will fail. You're worried it'll succeed. That Wilson will no longer be at your beck and call 24/7. That your best friend will change.

[Assistant] [argues] People don't change just because they wish they could.


[User] Blankets too! She's freezing!

[Assistant] [vo] She was supposed to sweat and she froze.


[User] [vo] Return to the Planet of the Apes.

[Assistant] Hypothermia caused the seizure. What caused the hypothermia?


[User] Complication on a complication?

[Assistant] Body's doing the opposite of what it's supposed to. Her body's Wilson. How do we respond to that?


[User] We accept that he's happy.

[Assistant] We do the opposite.


[User] So you want us to, what, send the Patient home?

[Assistant] Infection... means that something's been added to the body, something that should be expelled. What's the opposite of that?


[User] [suggesting] Cortisol. Could be Addison's.

[Assistant] It fits. Every symptom.


[User] I had a Rabbi call. She's adaMant.

[Assistant] She's not a masoParkst, she's suicidal. [sarcastically] Nice work, Chase.


[User] [deadpan] Yeah... I should have had twin Rabbis call. Can I go?

[Assistant] We need you. So, instead of a few days, we now have a few hours to figure this out. [again] Nice work, Chase.


[User] Why do you need me?

[Assistant] Saying, "nice work, Chase" when you're not here is pointless. Seriously, we need you.


[User] We should X-ray for malformations of the rib that could cause arterial twisting.

[Assistant] Malformations don't cause bloody urine.


[User] It's who he might be. She's connecting with all the years she's not gonna have.

[Assistant] Better way of connecting to those years is to actually have them.


[User] Joshua got God to make the sun stand still. No reason God can't speed it up. And, by God, I, of course, mean you.

[Assistant] Told you we needed you.


[User] You wanted to see me?

[Assistant] And you came.


[User] I feel pretty confident it'll be something interesting.

[Assistant] [looking at the 'board] Solve this case and the job is yours.


[User] Is there a "Drop Wilson" clause attached to this?

[Assistant] Standard contract all employees sign.


[User] Why do you have to beliEve I have an ulterior motive?

[Assistant] For the same reason I beliEve that crack whores can have sex... for crack.


[User] Could be DIC.

[Assistant] You've changed.


[User] I hope so.

[Assistant] Normal platelet count rules out DIC. Good try though.


[User] I read that a hydatid cyst could...

[Assistant] Would affect the lungs, not the bladder.


[User] When I left, he was still singing Eshet-something.

[Assistant] The husband's blessing of his wife. He calls her Eshet Chayil.


[User] [Roz's Wedding. Roz sits in her wedding dress.]

[Assistant] [vo] "Woman of valor". "Strength and honor are her clothing. She laughs at the future"... ... because she's an idiot.


[User] [quick guess] Volvulus of the small intestine could cause bleeding.

[Assistant] She woulda had constipation. Her value isn't "beyond pearls" either. 'Cause dead people have no value.


[User] [shot in the dark] Polycythemia vera.

[Assistant] [shooting his shot down] RBC count would be higher.


[User] Parkinson's would explain the hypothermia.

[Assistant] Not the bloody urine. Woman's not just a masoParkst, she's a hypocrite. [vo] The comMandment to preserve life comes before all others.


[User] Actually, it means she's not a masoParkst. She's not following all the rules, just the ones that please her.

[Assistant] [frustrated] Right, she walked in crazy and explained how ritual trumps living, and you decide it's a beautiful lifestyle.


[User] But if there's nothing more...

[Assistant] [vo] Then the only meaning is here.


[User] If she lives her life believing that God is there...

[Assistant] [grimly] Then she dies. Things aren't where we want them to be just 'cause we want them to be there. 'Course, that doesn't mean they're where they should be. Hey! Stop that Jew! Chase hates working on Shabbos. Gonna make this easier for him. Stand her up.


[User] She doesn't do so well on her feet.

[Assistant] Neither do I. Stand her up. You can tell all the ladies at the Mikvah about this.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Put your hand here. Press hard. You have nephroptosis. Also known as "floating kidney". [collecting his cane from the nurse] The kidney's like a chandelier. [vo] It's attached to a ceiling of intestines and blood vessels. But your contractor - think you know who he is - he hung it with a cheap chain. It's been hanging sloppy for years.


[User] [Roz's wedding. She's hoisted up on a chair and rocked up and down.]

[Assistant] [vo] Finally something shook it loose. After that, Every time you stood, your kidney dropped a few centimeters, caused all your symptoms.


[User] None of the scans picked it up.

[Assistant] Because we do scans with Patients lying down. She'd've been lying down in surgery too. We would nEver have found it. Good chance she'd nEver come out.


[User] [hopeful] She'll be all right?

[Assistant] Ultrasound to confirm, then tell Chase to put the kidney back on the shelf. The bleed will be nearby.


[User] That's... it?

[Assistant] Mazel tov. Couple hours surgery, you'll be ready to push out those fourteen Parkldren. You do it both ways, right?


[User] What?

[Assistant] [quickly] The ultrasound. You do it standing up and lying down. [innocently] What else would I mean? [sucks in air] I've decided you could do worse than a female proxy for me.


[User] So you're going to acknowledge that people can change?

[Assistant] No.


[User] You think I've changed or Amber's changed?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] [pointing at House] Then you've changed.

[Assistant] If you do change, can it be the part of you that Chases me down halls, trying to change me?


[User] [flabbergasted] Do you know what this means?

[Assistant] That you made one good dating choice. The fabric of the space/time continuum could unravel.


[User] And yet you're going along with it. [shivers a bit] Are you being... self-sacrificing?

[Assistant] I'll sacrifice... a lab rat. I'll sacrifice a fly. I'll sacrifice two hundred on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self. Shabbat Shalom, Wilson.


[User] You okay? [Screen goes white and we hear Jeff fall to the ground.] Oh, my god, Jeff!

[Assistant] The place is a mess.


[User] Welcome to a world without nurses. [Hands House some files.] Here, you can start with these.

[Assistant] [Doesn't take them.] It's not my fault, I don't use nurses.


[User] Cuddy was looking for you, said she'd send you down here.

[Assistant] I know, that's why I'm here. [Goes and sits down.]


[User] Because Cuddy hasn't found you yet. [Shakes her head and goes to look after a Patient.]

[Assistant] She's going to look Everywhere except the place she wants me to be. [Puts his feet up and starts to read a magazine. Glances over at Jeff who is sitting on the end of his bed smiling.] [To Cameron.] Hey.


[User] I've got an aortic dissection here.

[Assistant] What's with the idiot?


[User] Ah.. [Picks up his file.] Fainting spell and recent history of dysgeusia. Everything tastes like lemon meringue pie. You want to take him?

[Assistant] No. [Cameron makes an 'of course' gesture and goes back to what she was doing.] [To Jeff.] Sir. Why do you have two lunches in front of you?


[User] Been here for two meals.

[Assistant] And you're happy with that?


[User] [Shrugs.] No, I just don't see much use in complaining.

[Assistant] Seriously? It's a very useful tool. [Gets up and walks over to him.] Complain, you make people miserable. They do what you want to make the misery go away.


[User] [Still smiling.] I'm sure it was an accident.

[Assistant] [To Cameron.] Is he Canadian?


[User] Uh, he's a low priority...

[Assistant] Is that a yes?


[User] He's just...

[Assistant] Happy. [Jeff smiles.] I've got to stop this before it spreads. [House whistles. Taub, Kutner, Thirteen and Cameron all look towards House.] You guys are done. [Taub, Kutner and Thirteen start walking over, Cameron looks annoyed.] Could be a metabolic disorder, toxic exposure, carcinoma of the tongue metastasized to the brain, Epilepsy, MS!


[User] [Sarcastically] No, you're ignoring the big symptom. [To House.] What if we're looking at both the flu and decent parenting?

[Assistant] Okay, you two are perfectly healthy. This guy wasn't pandering, he wasn't vanilla nice, he was nice without any aspiration for personal gain. I'm thinking genetic defect.


[User] [Laughs.] Niceness is a defect?

[Assistant] Three cavemen, see a stranger running towards them with a spear. One fights, one flees, one smiles and invites him over for fondue. That last guy didn't last long enough to procreate.


[User] And how long has the Patient been... suffering?

[Assistant] At least as long as his wife has known him, 11 years.


[User] The chances of him having an undiagnosed pathology for that long...

[Assistant] What are you saying? That evolution is wrong? [Scoffs.] Where do you think we are, 21st Century America?


[User] You want it to be a symptom because then we're supposed to be jerks, which means you don't Even have to try to be nice.

[Assistant] Okay, maybe I'm biased, let's take a vote. Who thinks that niceness is not a symptom? [Everyone puts up their hand.] And who thinks that their vote counts? [House puts up his hand.] You two [Points to Foreman and Kutner] check out his home for toxins. Taub and Thirty-One...


[User] Thirty-One?

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you. Taub and Thirteen, MRI for tumors and EEG for nerve damage. Test whatEver comes out of him for Everything else.


[User] Too much axis tilt. [House turns back to look at him.] Don't release until your thumb's at the bottom of the ball. [Chase gets ready to bowl, he has a glove on one hand.] I assume Wilson was busy.

[Assistant] Again.


[User] [Bowls a strike. Turns around and smiles at House.] No axis tilt. [House pops a pill.] With Amber?

[Assistant] Again. [Washes the pill down with some beer.]


[User] Still, it was nice of you to invite me, this is fun.

[Assistant] No, it wasn't. No, it isn't. I didn't invite you to be nice, I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves.


[User] What's the second thing?

[Assistant] Other hand. [Bowls a gutter ball.]


[User] Well if people are incapable of being nice, why bother having the word?

[Assistant] Ah, the ontological proof of niceness. The existence of the word proves the existence of the concept. Look out for those minotaurs on your drive home.


[User] I thought motives didn't matter, only results mattered. So what are you going to do to screw up Wilson's relationship so you don't have to listen to me while you bowl?

[Assistant] I wish the best for them and their tragically deformed Parkldren. [Bowls his second shot but we don't see the result, House doesn't look too pleased though]


[User] Well, she's good... At being bad. You might not be able to destroy her.

[Assistant] Well as long as I give it my best shot, I can hold my head high.


[User] Cameron had this one insufferable friend. She wasn't going to get rid of her and I sure wasn't going to join them, so I just said, see her on Thursday's. I know it's not as exciting as an exploding birthday cake, but, hell, I don't want to hang out with her Every night anyway.

[Assistant] That's amazing. Cameron only has one insufferable friend? [Chase bowls another strike. Turns around and House is gone.] Joint custody.


[User] Of Wilson?

[Assistant] Unless we have another love Parkld?


[User] [Looks at Wilson] Deal with him.

[Assistant] He needs a mother figure. I'm not saying you're not entitled to spend time with him, I'm just saying I'm entitled too. [Amber looks at Wilson again.]


[User] No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation... Swap your lubricant with superglue.

[Assistant] The Man knows me.


[User] This is his way of accepting us.

[Assistant] It's actually a very touParkng moment. I'm proposing I get Every other day and Every other weekend.


[User] I have yoga Wednesday's, you can have him then. But you have to have him home by 11. [House looks at Wilson who doesn't look up from his paper.] We can swap weekends.

[Assistant] Mondays and Wednesdays, and midnight.


[User] If he's not home till midnight, we won't be asleep till almost 2:00.

[Assistant] Wilson? Make a ruling.


[User] [Laughs.] Uh no. You two are like dogs circling each other in the Park. [Looks at Amber.] And I say that with all the love in the world. You need to sniff each other's butts, bare your teeth, and arrive at some strange detente. Otherwise, you'll end up biting each other's eyes out. Again, with all the love in the world.

[Assistant] I'll let you sniff first.


[User] Take my deal, or get out of my apartment.

[Assistant] Take my deal, or I move in. [Sits down.]


[User] Wouldn't that be nice?

[Assistant] [To Cuddy.] You are King Solomon. If you want us to cut him in half, we're cool with that.


[User] You are overtly contemptuous of hospital hierarchy.

[Assistant] And covertly. [Cuddy looks at him.] But I suppose you didn't know about that.


[User] Your attitude towards supervisory personnel is disrespectful, and a disturbingly large proportion of your comments are racist or sexist.

[Assistant] That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute... Would be an example of that.


[User] [Comes barging in.] House, I got the...

[Assistant] It can wait. [To Cuddy,] I will sign, if you will give us a ruling.


[User] I will give you a ruling, if you do the reviews on your team. [Kutner shuts the door behind him and takes one of Wilson's Parkps.]

[Assistant] I'd be happy to continue the mockery of this process. [Sign's the review.]


[User] [To House.] Wednesday's till 11:00 and alternate weekends.

[Assistant] Yes. Wednesday nights are ladies' nights at Cheetah's.


[User] Calcium's normal.

[Assistant] Wow. It really could wait.


[User] Everything's normal.

[Assistant] And you thought it wouldn't be.


[User] He's a carpet cleaner, he's got a home full of hydrofluoric acid.

[Assistant] Doesn't mean his calcium should be low.


[User] Yeah, actually it kinda does, HF causes lower lEvels of...

[Assistant] LowER, not low.


[User] Lower than normal.

[Assistant] Lower than yesterday. Yesterday might have been high, what's lower than high?


[User] He actually has hypercalcemia, which is being lowered to normal by the HF.

[Assistant] So what gives us elevated calcium, bad taste, and fainting?


[User] I take it you know?

[Assistant] Get the team. This is going to be fun. [House walks off.] Hello, again. These people think you are not too nice.


[User] Too nice? For what?

[Assistant] For life as we know it to have evolved without an intelligent designer. I'm going to prove them wrong. Your wife... is very ugly.


[User] Deb. He's obviously trying to prove a point.

[Assistant] I think I just did. You're either perfect or you're sick. In my experience sick is much more common.


[User] He's not sick, he's nice.

[Assistant] Nice in the sense that your toaster is nice for making you breakfast. It's the only thing his wiring will let him do. [To Taub, Kutner and Thirteen.] He has William's syndrome. [Back to Deb.] Your husband is missing the genes that make him suspicious.


[User] You're wrong, he's!

[Assistant] Relax, there's no cure. He's going to go right on tasting lemon meringue pie, fainting, and being a sap.


[User] What about the other symptoms?

[Assistant] He has no other symptoms.


[User] But William's does.

[Assistant] He's got the teeth, glasses.


[User] William's cuts IQ by 20...

[Assistant] He doesn't work in the physics department. Except when they spill a black hole on their carpet.


[User] Elfin appearance?

[Assistant] Yeah, he's more legolas than Keebler, but I bet you he can still crack off a batch of Pecan Sandies.


[User] Perfect pitch?

[Assistant] [To Jeff.] You love to karaoke, right?


[User] [Laughs.] I suck.

[Assistant] Modest, another symptom...


[User] No, he really does suck.

[Assistant] Give us a warble. You know any Cher?


[User] He's stroking. [Taub, Kutner, and Thirteen all rush over, put the bed down, flashlight in the eyes, the usual medical stuff.]

[Assistant] Not a moment too soon.


[User] You were wrong.

[Assistant] Why do people say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know?


[User] It means the Patient gets to keep being nice. Why does that offend you?

[Assistant] It's the way he said it. He wasn't reliEved, he was excited. [Very happily.] He was also wrong, and I say that with no sense of pleasure.


[User] Patient tested negative for William's, which means the stroke and Everything else wasn't caused by...

[Assistant] You. [Points at Kutner.] Have a friendly demeanor, but you sometimes get too involved. You relate well to your peers and Patients and you complete tasks in a timely Manner. [Grabs a piece of paper and puts it in front of Kutner.] Please sign.


[User] What the hell was that?

[Assistant] I have to give each of you perforMance reviews. [Kutner looks at the paper, still a little shocked.] Plenty of other conditions can cause Debilitating niceness.


[User] How is that supposed to help him?

[Assistant] I don't know. How's it supposed to help Wilson? [To Kutner.] Cross out Wilson's name and the date, and then fill in your own...


[User] The point of a review is to give feedback to help...

[Assistant] I'm thinking neurosyphilis. Wouldn't show up on the MRI without contrast. [Looks at Kutner.]


[User] He doesn't think it's syphilis, but he's going to go run those tests anyway.

[Assistant] Because he doesn't know. That's why we do tests.


[User] Because he's a wimp, because he's afraid of you.

[Assistant] You want me to intimidate him into not being afraid? Not sure I know how to do that.


[User] Reviews make a difference. People have to listen, so they have to learn.

[Assistant] I don't think that the right time to tell the dog not to pee on the rug is semi-annually.


[User] You don't want to do the paperwork.

[Assistant] I am concerned about the rainforest.


[User] [Sighs.] I'll do it.

[Assistant] I know. [Walks to his office.]


[User] [Laughs.] I'm not perfect. But she loves me, and she's always loved me. Every minute, Every day.

[Assistant] [Gets up to open the door.] You're 15 minutes late! [House opens the door and its some Guy in a suit standing there.]


[User] Have you heard the good news?

[Assistant] [Looks confused.] Miley Cyrus is playing a third night at the spectrum?


[User] [Holds up a book.] Happiness is possible. [Amber and Wilson arrive.] And not just in this life, but in the next...

[Assistant] Oh, you're selling religion. I'm sorry, I bought some Islam yesterday. [Lets Amber and Wilson in.]


[User] Well, it's where your light shows signs before mending... [House shuts the door in his face.] Have a good Evening.

[Assistant] You're late.


[User] 15 minutes.

[Assistant] 16 minutes, MY 16 minutes.


[User] So keep him an extra 16 minutes.

[Assistant] [To Wilson.] You hear that? She doesn't care.


[User] You're going mini golfing, what's it matter? You got a tee off time?

[Assistant] It matters because you don't get to decide what matters.


[User] Which was my fault.

[Assistant] [Rolls his eyes.] I had to take a dump. Anything else I don't need to know before you leave? [Opens the door.]


[User] [Kisses Wilson good bye.] Have fun on your play date. [As she's leaving.] You've got mummy's numbers, right?

[Assistant] [Shuts the door and looks at Wilson.] Daddy needs a drink. [Walks off to get one, Wilson laughs.]


[User] [Slurring somewhat.] Are you trying to get me drunk? [House smiles, Wilson laughs.] What time is it?

[Assistant] 10:30.


[User] Ooh... She'll kill you.

[Assistant] I'll get you home before lights out. [Pushes the drink closer to Wilson who takes it.]


[User] Great, then she'll kill me. If I get, if I get any more drunk, then I'm... It... Might not work. If you, uh, know what I mean.

[Assistant] Really? You'd think that one or more of your ex wives would have mentioned that to me.


[User] [Shocked.] They told you? Wait, why do you want to get Amber angry?

[Assistant] Because I'm your friend.


[User] No, no, no. You said you approved, you said you were taking the high road. For how long, the first exit? [House's phone rings.]

[Assistant] [Answers.] Hello, and thank you for saving me from being righteoused to death. [Gets up and walks away from Wilson.]


[User] Hematemesis could indiCate...

[Assistant] Don't put it on the board. [Taub stops writing.]


[User] You don't think it's a symptom?

[Assistant] I think it's my marker. [Taub rubs what he had written off the board.] He has syph, and what?


[User] And syph, it can cause hematemesis.

[Assistant] Not Everyone agrees.


[User] [Looks surprised.] How... How could you...

[Assistant] If you all thought it was syph, you wouldn't have woken me up in the middle of the night.


[User] The bleeding's pRobably from liver damage, pRobably caused by ethanol in the cleansers or the penicillin.

[Assistant] Two more pRobablys than I like to hear.


[User] Liver tests and serologies are going to take a full day.

[Assistant] Full night, actually. Guy might not make it to brunch. [House hangs up the phone and walks back over to Wilson.] Yes, I knew about your issue with alcohol. Yes, I intentionally got you drunk to provoke an argument between you and Amber. Why I would do such a thing is an interesting question. What's more interesting is that you knew as much as I did and you're the one who's pouring down the drinks. Why?


[User] Could it be any worse on her than loving somebody who can't love them back?

[Assistant] [Looks at them.] Yes?


[User] You might want to turn off the TV.

[Assistant] I'm multi-tasking. Also doing my taxes. And Cuddy. What'd you find out?


[User] The Patient has hepatitis. [Kutner, Thirteen and Foreman stare at him.]

[Assistant] I assume from your omission of the word 'viral' before the hep that it's not another STD. Put him on steroids and test him for sarcoid before the liver failure becomes liver failed.


[User] [To Taub.] We're all doing this.

[Assistant] There's more?


[User] You have syphilis. [House looks surprised.]

[Assistant] [Turns off the TV and turns to face them.] No, I don't.


[User] One of us found a vial of your blood in the lab...

[Assistant] Which one of you?


[User] You did, didn't you?

[Assistant] There's something I need to tell you.


[User] You returned him drunk. [House turns around startled and sees Amber sitting on a chair behind him.]

[Assistant] On time.


[User] Drunk.

[Assistant] On time. No tag backs.


[User] The purpose of the time was to give me time.

[Assistant] So you didn't have sex?


[User] I like sex.

[Assistant] Well you can have it tonight. The L Word is on.


[User] You don't get to decide what matters. Either you're genuinely afraid I'm going to make him miserable, or you're afraid I'm going to make him happy, or you simply can't stop screwing with anything that moves. It doesn't really matter, because whatEver the reason, you'll only get worse. Until either I stop seeing Wilson, or I stop you. [Stands up.] What do you think I'm going to choose?

[Assistant] If you terminate the agreement, it's not going to bring peace in the mideast.


[User] I'm not terminating the agreement. I'm amending the agreement. I'm adding penalty clauses.

[Assistant] Fine. WhoEver violates it gets their finger cut off.


[User] I'm serious.

[Assistant] So am I. You want people to drive safer, take out the airbags and attach a machete pointing at their neck. No one will drive over three miles per hour.


[User] I'm not cutting...

[Assistant] We'll figure it out. On your time. [House opens the door. Amber sighs, kisses Wilson goodbye and leaves. House shuts the door again and turns back to Wilson.] You know she's certifiable right? I've got the forms in my desk.


[User] Where is she wrong? [House hangs he's head.] What were you going to tell me?

[Assistant] Nothing.


[User] You're punishing me?

[Assistant] I needed to tell you something... privately.


[User] I'm not going to tell her.

[Assistant] You'll tell her. She's your girlfriend, you should tell her.


[User] You're my friend.

[Assistant] It's not the same. [Opens the door and starts to leave.]


[User] Don't sulk.

[Assistant] Where am I wrong? [Shuts the door behind himself.]


[User] Your Management style is counterproductive. You gave me authority over the team, just so they could undercut...

[Assistant] Critiquing the clap addled? That's sort of tasteless.


[User] I didn't feel like waiting until your genitals cleared up. You need to formalise my authority over the team.

[Assistant] No, I don't.


[User] You don't think I'm qualified?

[Assistant] Compared to those three?


[User] You want to punish Cuddy for hiring me without...

[Assistant] I like Cuddy. I like parts of her.


[User] You want to crush the team by crushing me?

[Assistant] I want to empower them. Those three idiots need to respect you. They should respect you, they should be afraid of you, so I have to humiliate you, because if the team fears you, they won't question you. If they don't question you, they won't get any answers, if they don't get any answers, they're useless.