[User] Only you could see that as a bad thing.

[Assistant] It's a fake thing. There's no unconditional love. It's just unconditional need. Don't make this Parkld a victim of your biological clock.


[User] Victim? You think she's better off staying �

[Assistant] Yes! Because at least she knows she's not qualified for the job.


[User] Let me guess. I'm gonna tell her not to play ball in the House, but she's not gonna listen.

[Assistant] No, actually, I was going for "she sneaks her boyfriend in while you're sleeping, and he wants to do it on the desk." And at first she says no, but she has issues with self-esteem.


[User] You know you're gonna pay for that.

[Assistant] I'm paying for it right now. With wisdom.


[User] We found lactose. The coke was cut with milk powder.

[Assistant] Makes it nutritious.


[User] Not much of a toxin.

[Assistant] It is if he's allergic to milk.


[User] He's not. He has milk in his fridge.

[Assistant] How does he like his coffee?


[User] I don't know. What does that �

[Assistant] What type of cereal's in the cabinet?


[User] Cocoa-something. Why, what does it matter?

[Assistant] [pushing the button for the elevator] He likes his coffee black. Milk's for the kid.


[User] How can you be sure?

[Assistant] Because if he drank the milk, he'd know that he's lactose intolerant. Ask him, then treat him for allergic reaction. If he gets better, we all get to go home early. [The elevator doors close, leaving Thirteen and Taub in the lobby.]


[User] The mother had a stage two placental abruption. She's losing blood.

[Assistant] So deliver the baby.


[User] The lungs are ten weeks premature. [She hands him a clipboard.]

[Assistant] So deliver now, risk the baby. Deliver later, risk the mom. It's not your baby yet. It's not your call.


[User] She'll do whatEver I tell her to do.

[Assistant] Self-worth issues. That's genetic, you know. You should deliver now.


[User] Right. [She gets up to leave.]

[Assistant] Are you serious?


[User] You're not? You just told me �

[Assistant] The wrong answer. You can give the mom more blood. You can't give the fetus more lungs.


[User] The lungs might work. It's the right decision medically.

[Assistant] And yet you're here.


[User] To get your opinion, not to get jerked around.

[Assistant] See, this is what's screwed up here. You're not sure that this is the right call, but you are sure that this is what you want to tell her. And that scares you because your motives aren't medical. Some part of you doesn't want this baby, and that part wants to tell her to kill it.


[User] This is an impossible situation. I'm advising her to take the safest route.

[Assistant] Right. Doesn't explain why you changed your sweater. I need your advice. [He drops a file on the table.]


[User] [without looking up] It's not cancer.

[Assistant] Wow. Can you remove spleens with your mind too?


[User] You're here to talk about Cuddy. The file is a pretext. [He starts shining the apple.]

[Assistant] Why the hell haven't you come to talk to me about Cuddy? I've been doing all sorts of insane stuff.


[User] If she can't handle your insanity, she can't handle a baby.

[Assistant] That's exactly my point.


[User] No, it isn't. You're feeling threatened because she's going onto high school and leaving you behind to repeat the eighth grade.

[Assistant] She's sleeping with the math teacher to get a diploma.


[User] Adoption is cheating? Are they giving her a fake kid?

[Assistant] That's the pRoblem. She gets to have a relationship with a kid, but she can't handle one with an adult. So she's gonna kill it.


[User] Well, it does seem cleaner. [House tosses the box on the table.] I've seen the file. She's making a judgment call.

[Assistant] Decisions are nEver made in a vacuum. [He takes back the Patient file.]


[User] Just like your decision to make her miserable. You're doing this because we no longer have inkwells and Cuddy doesn't have pigtails.

[Assistant] Why do you think I did that?


[User] Because there aren't any. I think! You're sweating blood.

[Assistant] Guy's bleeding out of his pores. What does that tell us? Other than that you don't want to play basketball against him and he's dying?


[User] Leukemia has false negatives all the time.

[Assistant] So we have four reasons for leukemia, four reasons against.


[User] Only need one against.

[Assistant] Yeah, if we had one reason for anything else. Go do a bone marrow biopsy.


[User] Chem panel confirms kidney failure, end stage.

[Assistant] Got him on dialysis?


[User] BP's too low.

[Assistant] Too bad. It would've been nice to have more than an hour or two to solve this thing.


[User] Hemachromatosis?

[Assistant] He have tiny testes?


[User] No. Scleroderma.

[Assistant] His skin's darker, not lighter. As much fun as 20 questions tends to be, he's blowing blood out of Every orifice, you think it just might be vascular?


[User] Vasculitis?

[Assistant] If I had said it might be "vitas gerular," would you have said "Vitas Gerulaitis?" Test him for vasculitis, angio and blood.


[User] Even if we're right, he's gonna need a kidney transplant.

[Assistant] Test the daughter.


[User] She's 12.

[Assistant] Small kidney. It just means he won't pee as much. Great for road trips.


[User] I meant she's a minor and daddy has a conflict, so we're gonna need Cuddy's sign off.

[Assistant] So get it.


[User] Clamp. [Becca, who's awake, looks around. Cuddy fidgets nervously.] Suction. Entering the abdominal cavity. There's the head.

[Assistant] Got a minute? [Cuddy and Becca both turn to see him leaning into the OR.]


[User] Well, why is he here?

[Assistant] Better question is why is she here? You're an administrator. Administrate. I have a Patient's daughter needs a guardian ad litem.


[User] [in the background] That's it.

[Assistant] Tests are inconclusive. But either way he's gonna need �


[User] House, get out!

[Assistant] This doesn't need you. I do.


[User] [looking at the delivery] Later.

[Assistant] Later's too late.


[User] She's! yours now.

[Assistant] Mazel Tov. Now it's time to say those magic words you'll be telling her for the rest of her life, "Mommy's gotta go to work."�


[User] Have the risks of the transplant procedure been explained to you?

[Assistant] [pacing by the window] Damn it. I was hoping you weren't going to ask her that. Of course she knows. Can you just sign the paperwork?


[User] Dr. House explained to you that all surgeries carry risk? You could die.

[Assistant] And if you don't do it, daddy will die.


[User] Stop pressuring her.

[Assistant] Sorry. Daddy's perfectly healthy. But we want you to give him a kidney anyway because it'd be cool if he had three.


[User] Okay, go ahead.

[Assistant] No.


[User] I'm saying you can proceed.

[Assistant] I'm saying I can't. [He leans over to peer into SaMantha's eyes.] WhatEver he has, she has too. She's sleepwalking.


[User] If we don't give him a new kidney, he's dead in a week. We have to transplant.

[Assistant] When your remote has a dead battery, you don't replace it with another dead battery. WhatEver's killing the dad's kidneys is gonna kill the kid's too.


[User] It narrows it down to any one of a dozen genetic disorders, each of which takes more than a week to run.

[Assistant] Call Foreman. Get to work.


[User] Cuddy is positively aglow. What's your theory? She's only acting happy to make you miserable?

[Assistant] I need a genetic disease.


[User] I'm sure you're carrying a few.

[Assistant] Symptoms are kidney failure, bleeding, and insomnia.


[User] You paid off the pool? Technically, anyone who didn't enter is a winner.

[Assistant] It's not over yet. Everyone's happy until they unwrap that pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa.


[User] Adoption's a cheat, remember? There's no real pregnancy, so there's no stranded dopamine receptors, so there's no postpartum depression. Cuddy will be the happiest new mother you've Ever seen. [House stares.] I've just given you the answer, haven't I? And now you're going to walk out of here without saying a word.

[Assistant] [leaving] Nope! Good news. I know what you have, and you're both gonna be fine.


[User] What? Are you serious?

[Assistant] Yes and no.


[User] So you do know what they have?

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] But they aren't gonna be fine?

[Assistant] No idea. They might be.


[User] Why the hell would you say they were?

[Assistant] To make them happy.


[User] For two seconds?

[Assistant] Technically, to see if they can be happy. We should've seen a grin, a twinkle, a sigh of relief, something.


[User] They're sick. They're tired.

[Assistant] They're anhedonic, incapable of experiencing pleasure. Something's bushwhacked their dopamine receptors.


[User] They're depressed. Mom's dead. Dad's dying. You should know that being bummed isn't necessarily a pathology.

[Assistant] Being bummed doesn't explain their lack of friends or their indifference to each other.


[User] But if you can't feel pleasure, what's with the cocaine?

[Assistant] Really? Is that why you do drugs? Because you're happy? Most people do 'em because they want to be happy. His subconscious craved it, needed it.


[User] Most common cause of anhedonia is sParkzophrenia.

[Assistant] Sure, in white folk.


[User] They're! black?

[Assistant] They're liars. [to Jerry] What's your name?


[User] Jerry Harmon.

[Assistant] Your real name. Hosarian? Herzog? H'ali-baba?


[User] Hammoud. Jamal Hammoud. Changed it when we invaded Iraq the first time. How'd you know?

[Assistant] You and your daughter have Familial Mediterranean FEver. It's a genetic disease contracted by people of Mediterranean descent. Sephardic Jews, Armenians, Arabs. Causes anhedonia, seizures, kidney failure, Even lactose intolerance. Symptoms are set off by age and stress. Kid couldn't get happy, but she could get stressed by daddy dying.


[User] You don't know if we'll get better?

[Assistant] Treatment tends to be hit and miss once you reach the sweating blood stage. Start them on colParkcine and melphalan. [He starts to leave.]


[User] His kidneys are fried. If he doesn't have FMF, the colParkcine will kill him.

[Assistant] Boy, sure hope I'm right. [He leaves.]


[User] It's really not the greatest time for gloating.

[Assistant] [quietly] There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenage boys riding bareback.


[User] No. I'm done. I can't go through that again.

[Assistant] You're quitting. Just like you quit IVF.


[User] Yeah, just like that.

[Assistant] There, you just did it again. [She smiles, humorlessly.] It's too bad. You would've made a great mother.


[User] You son of a bitch. When I was getting a baby, you told me I'd suck as a mother. Now that I've lost it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. [in his face. He looks a little taken aback.] Why do you need to negate Everything?

[Assistant] [whispers] I don't know. [whispers] Good night.


[User] 35-year-old male � crushing headache and three seizures in the last two days.

[Assistant] So it's a bleed, clot, tumor, metabolic, or infection. Stick him in a CT.


[User] Can't.

[Assistant] I'm assuming he has a giant head.


[User] (holding up the file) SEvere agoraphobe. The world scares the hell out of him. So we can only test him with whatEver we can take to him.

[Assistant] Fun.


[User] Only of being shot. He and his girlfriend were mugged sEven years ago. That's when it started.

[Assistant] Anybody can hate huManity after getting shot. Takes a big Man to hate it beforehand.


[User] I talked to him through his door when he had flu last year. I run the community outreach program now.

[Assistant] See? Perfectly reasonable explanation. She's definitely not here trying to work her way back on the team and steal your job or anything.


[User] He agreed to meet with us. But Even if I can get inside his House, his brain is a black box. (House walks out into the hallway to talk to Cuddy) We can pick this up in a minute.

[Assistant] (taking a file from Cuddy) What's this?


[User] Take-out menus. But I'm hoping you'll come up with a better answer when Everyone asks what we're talking about. Last night �

[Assistant] Forget it.


[User] I know this is awkward, but we need to talk.

[Assistant] There's a reason that we've evolved a feeling of awkwardness. It tells us not to talk about things.


[User] I was emotional because of the adoption falling through. And you actually let your huMan side show for a moment. That is why we kissed. I just want to say thank you for not! taking advantage.

[Assistant] You're welcome. Any time you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you.


[User] What did Cuddy want?

[Assistant] I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all on my jock.


[User] The only equipment we have is a sonogram and a portable X-ray.

[Assistant] What part of olivine, pyroxene, and amphibole don't you understand?


[User] We provoke a seizure. The indicator is the increased electrical activity focused around the abnormality. We do an EEG, see the focus, see where the pRoblem is, which tells us what the pRoblem is.

[Assistant] The Formster and the Camster. Kickin' it old school. (to Taub) Thank God she's not trying to steal your job. (to the team) Go do it. And search the home for toxins.


[User] Well, right now I'm not.

[Assistant] Go away.


[User] (sighing) Did you speak to Cuddy last night?

[Assistant] She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?


[User] You spoke to her?

[Assistant] Kinda hit that. So she's all on my jock.


[User] Wha � what?

[Assistant] (looking at Wilson) Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.


[User] You hit? Like making out, or full-on sex or �

[Assistant] Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll take you through it.


[User] Wh � what are you gonna do?

[Assistant] What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake.


[User] Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss.

[Assistant] So now I have two reasons to ignore her. (still scratParkng) It was just a kiss.


[User] There's a reason.

[Assistant] Yes. Those large things in her bra.


[User] You were hiding it from me, means it meant something to you.

[Assistant] Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase "I hit that."


[User] Stop scratParkng. You'll draw blood.

[Assistant] Finally you said something useful. If I actually break the skin, it'll let the poison out.


[User] If you! dated Cuddy! there would �

[Assistant] Sorry. I get better reception when you're not here. (into the phone) What do you got?


[User] His place is totally clean. No animals. No hidden drugs or alcohol. No lead in the paint.

[Assistant] And since you're not breathing hard, I assume you're not holding Cameron aloft in triumph. Which means no seizures. Hey, speaking of breathing hard, Cameron, you engaged to Chase yet?


[User] We aren't engaged. (aside to Thirteen) Moves things along much faster to just give him the answers. (to House) Seizures can also be induced through �

[Assistant] After six years?


[User] A year and a half. Through sleep deprivation or �

[Assistant] Sleep deprivation would take too long. You living together?


[User] We spend most nights together. There's a bunch of drugs that can lower a seizure threshold.

[Assistant] And cloud the diagnosis with side effects. His place or yours?


[User] His usually.

[Assistant] Interesting.


[User] You would've said interesting no matter what the answer.

[Assistant] And no matter what the answer, it would've been interesting. No engagement. Commitment issues. His place, control issues. Not sure whose, but interesting.


[User] Yeah, moves much faster this way.

[Assistant] Where was the Patient when he had his first seizure?


[User] In his entry hallway getting his mail.

[Assistant] Getting close to the outdoors, spooked him, raised his BP. Use that fear. Bring him outside.


[User] He punched out a fireMan. We're doctors, not bouncers.

[Assistant] Okay. So bring the outside to him. Floors (tapping the floor with his cane), genuine wood.


[User] Why are they here?

[Assistant] They overheard me announce the half price bank foreclosure in the ER waiting room. Where's Everybody?


[User] Cameron's with the Patient. Uh, Everybody else went home.

[Assistant] Because they don't need to be here. Neither do you. And yet you are. (to his tour group) This way.


[User] Molding's original?

[Assistant] Original? They were here before the House. (They enter Stewart's bedroom) The shut-in's also original. Come on. Don't be shy.


[User] House, get them out of here.

[Assistant] Easy for you to say. You're not gonna be making some serious capital gains.


[User] This is cruel.

[Assistant] And leaving him undiagnosed is what, altruistic? Procedure worked. He's seizing. What do you see?


[User] Normal theta. Normal delta. This isn't a seizure.

[Assistant] It's something.


[User] Stomach's killing me.

[Assistant] See? It's something.


[User] Partial small bowel obstruction.

[Assistant] Blockage explains the pain. What explains the blockage plus seizures?


[User] Could be a million things. There's no way to know unless we get him in for an MRI on his head or exploratory surgery so we can biopsy his bowels, which he won't let us do.

[Assistant] Wouldn't. Pain changes things.


[User] (following House) He told you to stay out of here.

[Assistant] He can Chase me out once he's done doubling up in agony. (to Stewart) WhatEver your big pRoblem is, it's caused a complication we call "colon FOS." "Fo," full of. Since we're in mixed company, "S" is stool. Nothing's coming out. So the pain's gonna get worse and worse. We need to stick a pooper scooper in you. We also need to take a look at your bowel.


[User] I made my wishes clear.

[Assistant] Uh-huh, and if the crazy fairy were here, she could grant them.


[User] I'm not insane. I � I feel pain when I go outside. So it � it's rational to avoid that pain.

[Assistant] Except now you're feeling pain inside.


[User] We can give him drugs for the blockage.

[Assistant] And if it doesn't work? That blockage will rupture your intestines, spew sewage throughout your body. WhatEver you're scared of out there, aren't you more scared of death?


[User] You obviously can't stand people. But for me, it's worse. All right? I'd rather die in here than live out there.

[Assistant] If you don't mind floppy hair and an annoying accent, I know a surgeon who will operate in your home.


[User] With the risk of infection, Chase won't actually �

[Assistant] He's not gonna do surgery in some crazy dude's House.


[User] You just said �

[Assistant] What I said was that Chase would put him under at the House, we'd take him to the hospital, open him up, do our thing, then slip him back into his room for the post-op without him Ever finding out that we tricked him. Some of that was implied.


[User] It's unethical.

[Assistant] He'll be asleep.


[User] He gets to make his own calls Even if he's asleep.

[Assistant] Why are you siding with him? (He puts his hand on his Parkn as if genuinely asking a question) Oh, yeah, you're that girl who likes broken people because her husband died. And since Chase isn't all that broken �


[User] Hey, why don't we operate on his infarcted leg while we're at it? Who cares if he said no.

[Assistant] I was risking my life to avoid becoming a cripple. He's doing it to avoid sunlight and fresh air.


[User] (to House) Why aren't you arguing with her?

[Assistant] Because she's right. I don't care where he gets the post-op, just that he gets it. Keep him here.


[User] House. You okay?

[Assistant] Yes. We don't need to talk.


[User] Your hand.

[Assistant] (House looks down at his bandaged hand) That's weird. I usually don't get the stigmata until Easter.


[User] Well done. Your Patient called his Lawyer, threatened to sue us. He's now heading home completely undiagnosed.

[Assistant] He'll soon be on his way back. He's sick. He'll crash. He'll lose consciousness. (House continues to scratch his bug bite) I'll declare an emergency, bring him back in.


[User] What's going on between you and Cuddy?

[Assistant] Bad lovin' gone bad.


[User] Seriously. Why didn't you argue with her? She just threw us off the case.

[Assistant] Because ignoring her is a lot easier. Convince the Patient to let us back in again. See if you can clear his blockage with lactulose. If this thing kills him before we can diagnose, it won't be fun anymore.


[User] It's like the red badge of idiocy.

[Assistant] If the confederacy had mosquitoes, we'd all have southern accents and I'd be paying Foreman less.


[User] She kicked you off the case. This is what happens when you don't address it. She acts weird, things get different.

[Assistant] You understand that different implies difference. She's tossed me a million times before.


[User] No, she always chastises you. And you'd always come running to me to complain. So you're acting different too. You're scared. You are scared to get involved.

[Assistant] How is that scary? It's rational. Emotionally mature people who work together should not date. Guaranteed breakup. Guaranteed ugliness.


[User] Any relationship that doesn't end in a breakup ends in death. Everything falls apart in the end. That's your worldview. The corollary, which you keep forgetting, is that you have to grab any chance for happiness.

[Assistant] Why does this matter so much to you? Cuddy and I are fine. The only person getting worked up here is you.


[User] I don't want you to be fine. I want you to be happy. I think if you dated her �

[Assistant] Are you familiar with the adverb "vicariously?"�


[User] If I wanted to ask her out �

[Assistant] You did ask her out. Last year. WhatEver happened there?


[User] I don't know. I wasn't interested.

[Assistant] Wrong. You were interested. But Amber grabbed your genitals first. But now you're single, and that makes you miserable because you think it's too soon for another relationship. So you're gonna make me miserable. Please, get a girlfriend, or a life, or something. For me. Better or worse?


[User] Worse. Drugs aren't working. I think we should do the surgery in his House like we planned.

[Assistant] Well, then one of us wasn't paying attention because I thought that surgery thing was just a trick.


[User] We prepared the room. We hung the drapes. It's pRobably ten times as sterile as any mobile operating theater you'd find in a battlefield.

[Assistant] We still need Trapper John.


[User] Chase doesn't want anywhere near this surgery. Maybe you could talk to him.

[Assistant] I can't understand a word he says. Taub. Doing anything later?


[User] I will. And in fact I've nEver done this before because I went to med school, not nurse school.

[Assistant] (to the Lawyer) Hey, wanna see if your client's actually made of money?


[User] Suture.

[Assistant] (looking into the microscope) Mucosa's pink. Flattened villi.


[User] Intestinal atrophy. It's Whipple's disease.

[Assistant] Explains the seizure and the stomach pain.


[User] Little bleeder here. Cautering.

[Assistant] Hey, wait. The gas � (to the Lawyer) That always happens during surgery. Just the gas build up in the blockage. Nothing to sue about. (to the team) Treat him for the burns. Put him on antibiotics for the Whipple's. He'll be fine.


[User] We should run a blood test for celiac.

[Assistant] Not fast enough. Not accurate enough. (He stops tossing the ball) Force-feed him wheat then do an endoscopy as it hits his duodenum. See if there's an allergic reaction.


[User] So is the blood test, which is painless.

[Assistant] Foreman, listen to that little voice in your head that's coming from the telephone. (speaking directly into his cell phone on the desk) Force-feed him.


[User] I'm guessing that's a new technique.

[Assistant] Hey, you remember that idea that Cameron had about trying to torture the Patient into admitting himself?


[User] Pretty sure it was your idea. You want me to slow down the test?

[Assistant] Wow. Everyone's got all these great ideas today. (pause) So you're thinking Patient won't leave because leaving causes pain, so we gotta make staying more painful. That actually makes sense.


[User] You'll increase his pain, but not enough to make a difference. He's on morphine.

[Assistant] He's on morphine now. Pretty soon he'll be on less-phine. 'Cause when you restock, you'll actually be giving Cameron IV bags of saline.


[User] And why do you think I'll be doing this?

[Assistant] Same reason you did the surgery.


[User] That was because it was an emergency.

[Assistant] No. It was because your marriage is falling apart. When you confess adultery, things tend to go bad. When one part of your life does a Titanic, you make a life raft out of whatEver's left, which makes your job more significant, which is why you did the surgery, why you pulled an all-nighter, and why you'll do this.


[User] (looking over his shoulder at House) She's having me sleep on the couch. Just for a few nights. I'm not doing this to save my job. I'm doing this to save his life.

[Assistant] (looking back at Taub) Right. That's what we'll tell Everyone. (looking more curious than alarmed) Huh. Buzzzzzzz.


[User] Have you considered that it's not my place you really want to be walking into right now?

[Assistant] Rick Ocasek would kill me if I � oh, you mean Cuddy.


[User] Yeah, she's a little nuts. But she's beautiful, smart, funny, and most important, she can stand you.

[Assistant] Yeah. I came here to have you lecture me on Cuddy, not because there's a killer mosquito chasing me around my apartment.


[User] House, there is no mosquito. This is all about Cuddy.

[Assistant] Ah, she's bugging me. Poetic.


[User] Have you seen this bug?

[Assistant] (pointing to his hand) Have you seen this bite?


[User] No. What I've seen is a suppurating wound that you've scratched and mutilated into a gangrenous state. Delusional parasitosis.

[Assistant] I am not imagining things.


[User] House, you're a drug addict. You're always imagining things. You got bitten the night you kissed her. Your itParkng always gets worse when you think about her. You need to address this.

[Assistant] She's my boss.


[User] No, you're not afraid of authority. You're afraid she actually is right for you. You're afraid to take a chance because it's too big a chance. If it doesn't work with her, then maybe there's no one out there.

[Assistant] I am not rationalizing. I'm better off alone. Also, you seen her ass recently?


[User] You're not staying here.

[Assistant] Oh, come on.


[User] No. You can go home. (He pushes House off the sofa) Or you're going to Cuddy's, (House gets up and moves toward the front door) gonna ring her doorbell! And you're gonna ask her out on a date (He pats House on the back) like regular people do.

[Assistant] At 3:00 in the morning? When do regular people sleep?


[User] (pushing House out the door) Buh-bye. (Wilson closes his door)

[Assistant] Is he in enough pain to come in yet?


[User] (sleepily) No. Antibody tests back?

[Assistant] Inconclusive.


[User] Then why are you here?

[Assistant] I missed you. Endoscopy?


[User] Inconclusive.

[Assistant] Well, then do it again.


[User] Anything?

[Assistant] No pulse. (pulling his phone from his pocket) Start CPR.


[User] Who are you calling?

[Assistant] Pizza. You like anchovies? I'm calling the Lawyer. (House tucks his phone under his Parkn and starts CPR) Genuine emergency. He'll okay admission.


[User] He's dying.

[Assistant] Exactly. (to the Lawyer) Hi. Sorry to wake you. Your introvert is having a heart attack.


[User] (preparing the defibrillator) House, if we don't restart his heart!

[Assistant] (still talking to the Lawyer) He can survive 15 minutes on oxygen and CPR. We can get him to the hospital in five. (to Cameron) Lawyer says yes. Continue CPR. 2123 Holden Green. Patient with PEA.


[User] Clear.

[Assistant] Wait!


[User] His heart's back to sinus rhythm, but it's bradycardic. Taub's putting in a temporary pacemaker. It'll keep his heart beating for now.

[Assistant] Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking 'cause it's the only way I can fire you.


[User] Could be lymphoma.

[Assistant] We'd have seen it on the abdomen. It has to be a poison.


[User] Unless he's eating a bouquet a day, he couldn't �

[Assistant] How clean?


[User] Very. He pRobably has a little OCD.

[Assistant] (to Stewart) How often do you wash your tub?


[User] Every couple days.

[Assistant] Bleach and ammonia?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] You know how kids play toy soldiers in the bath? He likes to re-enact the battle of Ypres three times a week with real gas.


[User] Highly fat soluble. He lost weight after the stomach pain. Explains why his symptoms kept getting worse.

[Assistant] Put him on parenteral steroids and sodium bicarbonate.


[User] Even if you're right, that external pacemaker's gonna fail Eventually. And I don't have the skills to put in a perManent one.

[Assistant] Well, maybe the poison hasn't completely shot his heart. And you won't have to feel guilty for the rest of your life.


[User] (calling from Stewart's House) I just tried your House. Where are you?

[Assistant] Clubbing. Good or bad?


[User] Bad. Vitals are dropping. The abdominal pain keeps getting worse.

[Assistant] Means we were too late with the treatment. Tell the Lawyer he's off the clock. We're done.


[User] You're giving up?

[Assistant] Call Taub. Tell him to pick up some morphine. (He sits up) There's no need for the Patient to be in pain.


[User] He's on morphine.

[Assistant] No. He's on saline.


[User] I figured you put him on saline so I switched him back to morphine.

[Assistant] I love you. When you reach puberty, give me � (House has his epiphany) His abdominal pain. That was on morphine?


[User] Yes. Is there something that causes abdominal pain that doesn't respond to morphine?

[Assistant] I was right. He is being poisoned. What's this density on his hip?


[User] (looking at the scan) Just bone.

[Assistant] Think less boney.


[User] You think he's got lead poisoning?

[Assistant] Explains the constipation, the nerves, the seizures. Hold him down. (to Stewart) You're not gonna feel a thing! Except excruciating pain. The mugger used hollow points. They exploded and left fragments. Your doctors missed a couple hiding behind your hipbone. It's no biggie. Except years later, they started to dissolve, and then, biggie, you started to dissolve.


[User] I'll start him on chelation. The agoraphobia, could it �

[Assistant] No. Lead wouldn't have started to disintegrate till years after.


[User] I know you think that. But your life could be better. You � you � you'd have choices.

[Assistant] He's lying.


[User] About what?

[Assistant] About Everything. About his life. He doesn't Even think he's happy here. He's miserable.


[User] I've got Everything I need.

[Assistant] Yeah? Well, then why did Taub find rose petals in your entry hallway? Struck me as a little weird. Thought it might be medically relevant. But it actually just told me that you were pathetic. The day you crashed in your entryway! Was your girlfriend's birthday. (He picks up a framed photograph) You weren't there for the mail. You were trying to go lay flowers on her grave. (House holds up the photo, which is obviously a picture of Stewart and his girlfriend) Yeah, he's got PTSD. Yeah, he's agoraphobic. He's also a coward. You want to change your life, do something. Don't beliEve your own rationalizations. Don't lock yourself up and pretend you're happy.


[User] Good morning.

[Assistant] Don't wanna hear it.


[User] So I take it you did not ask Cuddy out.

[Assistant] Yeah. (He stops and pulls his Vicodin bottle from his pocket)


[User] Yeah "I didn't" or yeah "I did"?

[Assistant] WhichEver one means you almost had me convinced it was a good idea.


[User] Oh. (He lets go of the elevator door, which starts to close. House prEvents it from closing with his cane]

[Assistant] Nothing to say?


[User] No.

[Assistant] No, you don't. Or no, you don't don't?


[User] WhichEver one means no.

[Assistant] Is this some kind of rEverse � ?


[User] She's a factory worker. Means she pRobably works close to a lot of recent immigrants.

[Assistant] Thank God some of those offshore sweat shop jobs are coming back to America. (He hangs his coat on the coatrack)


[User] She's an eMancipated minor.

[Assistant] In a factory? Either an Olympic gymnast who busted her leg, a Parkld star who blew all her sequel money on drugs, or she's just a lying runaway.


[User] The girl's holding down a job, makes her rent.

[Assistant] (preparing his coffee) On the one hand, Kutner's right. Maybe she's a sweet young thing, not a screw-up lying through her teeth. On the two hand, a pregnancy test only takes five minutes, and we no longer kill rabbits. So in conclusion, shut up, do the tests. What else?


[User] 16 doesn't automatically mean a risky lifestyle.

[Assistant] Didn't we just have this conversation? Kutner trusts her. Someone else doesn't. So, in conclusion, shut up. Check her home and work for toxins or drugs. Kutner and Foreman, do an echo. Find the extent of the heart damage.


[User] Kutner can do the echo on his own.

[Assistant] Yes! But he'll be very lonely. So I have to ask why?


[User] I've been asked to help run a clinical trial. That okay with you?

[Assistant] Good for your career. Great for your street cred. What's in it for me?


[User] You have four doctors and nEver more than one case. It means I have time to work on other things. And they'll have more chances to step up. Stand on their own.

[Assistant] And if there's an emergency with Annie, should she wait until you finish grooming lab rats?


[User] If there's a pRoblem with Sophia or any other Patient, you know I'll be there. The Patient is my priority.

[Assistant] (definitively and dismissisvely) No. (Foreman does not move) Oh, do you want a reason? Clinical trials take time. Your time is my time. (Foreman walks out)


[User] Even if she is: Irrelevant. Echo showed no heart damage.

[Assistant] Would that be the echo that Foreman chose not to run with you after I dashed his new drug discovery dreams?


[User] I didn't screw up the echo.

[Assistant] I know. No structural heart damage.


[User] So if it's not the heart!

[Assistant] It's the heart.


[User] Didn't you just say it's not?

[Assistant] Not all heart damage has to be structural. Drugs could have caused intermittent tachycardia. (He gets up)


[User] She builds her own furniture. You think she skips work because she's feeling a little weak? She needs steroids.

[Assistant] Steroids could cause an irregular heartbeat, making her current one irregular-er-er. Foreman. Start her on beta-blockers. (Foreman looks angry) The rest of you, do anything that isn't starting her on beta-blockers.


[User] We started her on haloperidol. She's stable. Lab tests showed the delirium wasn't caused by a metabolic pRoblem. Means we still don't know what caused it.

[Assistant] (popping the Vicodin) Yeah, we do. Nice job, Foreman.


[User] I didn't switch her meds.

[Assistant] But your decision to stick it to the Man clearly inspired Oliver Twist. (He picks up a water bottle from the table and takes a drink)


[User] I treated her based on the symptoms she presented.

[Assistant] You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome, and almost killed her in the process.


[User] And arrhythmia. The psychotic break caused a surge of adrenaline, but no irregular heartbeat. Heart's not the pRoblem. We're both wrong.

[Assistant] So what causes lung issues and delirium? And is not based on wishful thinking that she's safe and happy?


[User] Prinzmetal angina.

[Assistant] Silent and unhappy is better than vocal and unhelpful. If you'd run the echo that you didn't run before giving her the beta-blockers that you didn't give her � If you'd listened to what Kutner just said, you'd know it's not a heart pRoblem.


[User] No reason it couldn't cause an artery in the brain to spasm. Leads to the delirium and the pulmonary edema.

[Assistant] Foreman, give her ergonovine to cause vasospasms, and run an fMRI to see which artery's dancing. And when I say Foreman, I mean! Foreman. I want his signature on the paperwork. I want videotape. (House moves toward his office and points to Foreman with his cane) I want photographs of him with the Patient on today's newspaper.


[User] No signs of spasm, impeded blood flow, or brain dysfunction. It's not Prinzmetal's. All the fMRI showed is House was right. She was lying.

[Assistant] Only relevant if it can cause pulmonary edema and delirium.


[User] We find out our Patient's been raped, and that's your response?

[Assistant] Is she a psych Patient?


[User] Rape could mean STD.

[Assistant] Thank goodness one of you doesn't have a heart. Maybe if we all stopped wringing our hands, we could solve this thing and let her live to have a few more nightmares.


[User] No sign in her bloodwork. Could be lying about the rape.

[Assistant] (leaning forward in his chair and placing his cane across his lap) Yesterday, you were all BFF. Now you think she's pathological.


[User] She lied about dead parents because it's better than rapist parents. You find that unsympathetic?

[Assistant] That's it.


[User] What's it?

[Assistant] Her whole life's a mess. What rhymes with mess?


[User] It's not stress. She has none of the usual Manifestations. No hormone imbalance, no cardiac �

[Assistant] Yeah, she's drowning in her own lungs, and she's delirious. She's a picture of emotional health. SEvere emotional stress can lead to asymmetric function of the midbrain. Explains the delirium. Interruption of the brain-heart coupling could cause pulmonary edema.


[User] Even if House is wrong, the treatment's basically anti-anxiety meds. Hard to argue with.

[Assistant] Yes. I agree. It does explain Everything. Thirteen, load her up on diazepam. Foreman, make sure she does it. (House gets up) Thirteen, make sure he makes sure. I went to Cuddy's House. But I didn't go in. Went home without ringing either her metaphorical or actual bell.


[User] Huh.

[Assistant] You're processing.


[User] I'm scrubbing.

[Assistant] "Huh" means processing.


[User] "Huh" means acknowledging. If you prefer, I could say "ha," or "hmm," or �

[Assistant] No insights? No opinions? (Wilson does not respond) You're disappointed.


[User] You made the decision. I can't tell you what's right for you.

[Assistant] Seriously? 'Cause last week you could. Last year you could. Seems to come pretty easy to you.


[User] Do you want me to tell you what you should do?

[Assistant] I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying.


[User] Interesting.

[Assistant] (Calling loudly as Wilson leaves) Holding things in can give you cancer!


[User] Labs show the brown urine was caused by shredded red cells.

[Assistant] (standing, his cane across his shoulders, his back to the team) So what messes with her lungs, her mental status, and runs her blood through a wood Parkpper?


[User] No, her sodium's normal.

[Assistant] What does her furniture look like? (He turns to face the team) Said it was homemade. Old boxes, what?


[User] It was wood nailed together.

[Assistant] The wood have little dents or holes?


[User] The desk did. Looked like she had stapled stuff all over it.

[Assistant] Holes means that it was pressure-treated. Sawing or burning it releases arsenic into the air, into her lungs.


[User] Tests didn't show �

[Assistant] Because it found a cloak of invisibility hiding �


[User] Magical lesions, which appear out of nowhere.

[Assistant] She was cured, then she wasn't.


[User] WBC count would be through the roof.

[Assistant] Put the arsenic back.


[User] You wanna treat a Patient nearly poisoned to death by giving her more poison?

[Assistant] Just because we call something a poison doesn't mean it's bad for you.


[User] It was killing her.

[Assistant] But since she's still dying, the arsenic obviously wasn't killing her. And since she's now getting worse, the arsenic was obviously fighting the killer. It's a hero. We should be organizing a parade. (He moves around to stand behind his desk)


[User] APL explains the lesions and why they appeared after we took the arsenic out.

[Assistant] So, put the arsenic back. (He pops a Vicodin)


[User] Best match would be a sibling or a parent.

[Assistant] Biopsy a lesion, confirm that she's dying, then load her up with arsenic. Keep her alive till you can convince her that rapist marrow and rapist-enabling marrow work just as well as the unleaded stuff.


[User] We need to talk.

[Assistant] This about the case you didn't want me to know about?


[User] Cuddy?

[Assistant] Foreman. (Foreman looks puzzled) You didn't flinch when you found out about a sixteen-year-old who could be dying in the next few days. Means you're here about someone Even younger dying Even faster.


[User] (holding out the Jonah's file) He needs you.

[Assistant] (ignoring the file and brushing by Foreman) But he has you. (House heads out the door)


[User] This boy is going to die. You selfish enough to let it happen?

[Assistant] Pot calling a kettle a pot?


[User] You're a hypocrite. If our job is to find out what's killing Patients, you'd help this kid. But you'd rather play mind games to prove you're the only one with magical powers.

[Assistant] Wanted something all your own? Now you got it. Your disengagement won't work.


[User] I can see that.

[Assistant] You think that when you tell me what I should do, my instincts are to push back, so that by not telling me what you think I should do, I'll do what you think I should do.


[User] I sound convoluted.

[Assistant] Disengagement is neither artful nor effective.


[User] So my not doing anything isn't causing you to do anything?

[Assistant] Right.


[User] I'm okay with that.

[Assistant] No, you're not. You are designed to have opinions and to force them on people.


[User] It's her life. Point wasn't I'm dying. Point was she should live. You should have told her. Instead you tell her to call the cops, give her stats on DNA markers. Everything's by the book. Nothing's Ever personal.

[Assistant] (interrupting loudly from his office) Trying to sleep here!


[User] Biopsy confirmed APL. She needs a bone marrow transplant.

[Assistant] (picking up his backpack) Run the donor banks. I'm going home. (He slings the backpack over his shoulder)


[User] We need to track down her parents.

[Assistant] (approaParkng the doorway) I assume she's already said no to that idea, or there'd be no need to screw up your courage before saying it.


[User] Parkldren who've been through trauma can't think clearly. Parkldren who've been through trauma and are dying �

[Assistant] Guess I'm the only one who cares about Patient rights.


[User] What she wants could kill her. What she needs could save her.

[Assistant] Our job is to find out what's killing Patients, not treat them for chronic idiocy. (He turns back to his office)


[User] Idiocy is what's killing her.

[Assistant] (picking his coat up off the chair) And since we can't cure that, I'm going home. (He moves toward his office door)


[User] We could save this Patient, but all you care about is getting your answer.

[Assistant] (turning back and looking at Thirteen) Your point being?


[User] Donor list turned up a partial match.

[Assistant] So treat her.


[User] It's only a three out of six.

[Assistant] So don't treat her.


[User] She may not last the week. Partial's better than nothing.

[Assistant] So treat her.


[User] She'll reject it. And she'll be too weak to try again when a better match turns up.

[Assistant] It's my turn now, right?


[User] If a better match turns up.

[Assistant] Well, when you decide, get back to me.


[User] She's scared.

[Assistant] Not scared enough. Tell her the thing about emotional reactions is they're definitionally irrational. Or stupid. Might wanna phrase that in your own words.


[User] She wants to deny her parents the satisfaction of saving her life.

[Assistant] That's your rational explanation of her emotional response.


[User] That was her explanation.

[Assistant] That makes sense. How long did it take her to come up with that?


[User] It was her immediate reaction.

[Assistant] That doesn't make sense.


[User] The fact that it makes sense doesn't make sense?

[Assistant] Emotional is immediate. She went to rational first. Means there was no emotional to process.


[User] You're saying she's lying about being raped?

[Assistant] Wouldn't be her first.


[User] She lied about one trauma to cover a worse trauma.

[Assistant] So! what's worse than rape? Hi, I'm Dr. House. (He stands to face her at the bottom of her bed) What did you do?


[User] I don't �

[Assistant] Something happened, but it wasn't rape.


[User] BeliEve whatEver you want.

[Assistant] You're scared, and stubborn, and you don't like people feeling sorry for you. Why not?


[User] I don't want pity. I just wanna be normal.

[Assistant] But you know you're not. (He moves to the side of the bed until he is standing right over her) You need people to see how independent you are, how well you're coping. So they won't see the lost, hurt little girl. (He leans down and is now right in her face) Because that's not what you see. You see someone who did something terrible! Who deserves to suffer. Who doesn't deserve to live. (pause) What did you do? Eventually, we'll find your parents! If only to deliver the body.


[User] Then they won't care.

[Assistant] (frustrated) You're an idiot. You'd rather die than face your parents because, what, you broke their Faberge egg?


[User] I killed their son. (House looks stunned) I killed my brother. (pause) I was supposed to watch him. (pause) He was in the bath. (pause) I could hear him laughing. (pause) Every time they look at me, it's like I kill him again.

[Assistant] (quietly now) If you don't take your parents' bone marrow! You'll be killing their other Parkld. If they don't hate you now, they will then.


[User] I don't care.

[Assistant] Sure you do. You want someone to tell you it was just an accident. That it's not that bad, well, it is that bad. And you know it. There's nothing you can do to change that. (pause) But there is one thing you can do, to not make it worse. If you're here to celebrate the kid's bone marrow transplant working, you missed cake.


[User] I want to do clinical trials.

[Assistant] Already had this conversation.


[User] I've proved that I can work two cases at once. I can do this. And I'm doing it.

[Assistant] Okay.


[User] Okay? Just like that?

[Assistant] Can I give my reasons later! or nEver?


[User] Three days ago you said no.

[Assistant] Three days ago you asked me. Now you told me. (He grabs his backpack and cane and heads toward the office door) Can't say no if it's not a question.


[User] Nice thing you did for Foreman.

[Assistant] He speaks.


[User] He deflects.

[Assistant] I almost cost a four-year-old his life.


[User] Well, you knew Foreman would figure it out.

[Assistant] Did I? (He looks at Wilson)


[User] You just needed to prove it to him. You're an ass. But, a noble one.

[Assistant] I sound clEver.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] Your little game didn't work. I'm not Foreman, and you're not me.


[User] You wanna talk about her?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] You're gonna be okay, House.

[Assistant] Good to know.


[User] Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Cuddy.

[Assistant] Well, she's either not here, or she's under the desk. Either way, you're gonna have to wait outside until I'm finished.


[User] Do you know when she'll be back?

[Assistant] Yes, which is why I need you to get out and leave me alone. [He grabs a pack of Post-Its from the desktop.]


[User] Sorry. [He closes the office door behind him.]

[Assistant] Nice try. Love to help.


[User] Shut up! [He closes the office door behind him.]

[Assistant] [calmly] You wanted to see doctor �


[User] I said shut up. I'm sick, and I want to know why. I want the best doctor in this hospital here, now! Or I'm gonna start killing people.

[Assistant] [conversationally] What seems to be the pRoblem?


[User] Okay, okay. [to Oliver] Just move it. [As he and Oliver move the table] You know, you don't have to point the gun, Man. We're gonna do whatEver you want.

[Assistant] [not moving and not looking away from the gun] No, we're not.


[User] House!

[Assistant] That's a bathroom you're barricading. It might come in handy, especially since you've clEverly decided to take a bunch of sick people hostage.


[User] [pointing the gun again] Do it! [He pulls a file about 8"� thick from his briefcase.] My medical records. I need you to read them.

[Assistant] [standing, very slowly] You really think that reenacting "Dog Day Afternoon" is the best way to get diagnosed? I'm sure you've been waiting for hours in an uncomfortable chair, but you should watch the movie all the way through.


[User] I've been to 16 doctors in the last two years. Had three full-body CTs and two MRIs, sEven blood panels, and one homeopathic consult.

[Assistant] And all that was missing was the threat of violence. [He starts slowly approaParkng Jason.]


[User] What's missing is an answer! I can't breathe! I'm tired! all the time. I get skin rashes, and heart palpitations, and insomnia.

[Assistant] That's a cool constellation of symptoms. It could be something minor. At least compared to life in prison, which is what you seem to prefer to seeing 16 more specialists.


[User] You barely looked at the file.

[Assistant] No need. Symptoms � those are the things you keep whining about. Tests � negative, or you wouldn't be here. History � shy, quiet kid. Kept to himself. Collected comic books and missing Parkldren.


[User] Excuse me, my wife feels sick to her stomach.

[Assistant] Next time pack some heat, and maybe we'll look into it.


[User] [quietly] I'll be okay.

[Assistant] If you ask me, keeping an open line of communication is the best way to resolve conflict. [Jason puts the phone on the chair next to him.] What kind of breathing pRoblems?


[User] Shortness of breath. And sharp pain when � when I inhale. [He sits, keeping his hand on the receiver.]

[Assistant] So you figured your wife left you because you couldn't breathe, right? Me, I rarely kidnap someone unless I've got a serious health pRoblem. Since you're not almost dead, it means you're armed because you're blaming something other than your health on your health.


[User] I've nEver been married.

[Assistant] Oh. Got a match?


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because I'd rather not stand here while you try and negotiate a hostage trade for an incentive spirometer.


[User] I'll look in Cuddy's desk.

[Assistant] Stay out of the desk! Cuddy doesn't smoke. But he does. [gestures toward Mitch]


[User] No, I � I don't.

[Assistant] Right. You just brush your teeth with coffee grounds.


[User] [rising and pointing his gun at Oliver who is reaParkng into his jacket pocket] Hey!

[Assistant] You figure that two people snuck weapons into the clinic today?


[User] Slowly.

[Assistant] Hold it out as far as you can. Try to blow it out. [Jason wheezes as he blows. The Bic flickers but doesn't go out. The second time, it doesn't Even flicker.] Decreased lung volume. Heart palpitations, fatigue, stomach pain. An intermittent rash � could be 100 things. If you add on that final symptom, it can only be pulmonary scleroderma.


[User] What final symptom? Those were all my symptoms.

[Assistant] Last one is the 16 doctors who missed it. Simple alkylating agent, case solved. See you on visitor's day. Crime scene!


[User] [at the front desk] House, what's going on in there? Is Everyone all right?

[Assistant] About to be. Assuming he's not lying. But he seems like a pretty straight arrow to me. [He winks broadly at Jason who pushes the speakerphone button. House speaks louder and hands the receiver to Jason.] I'm gonna need some propofol to prove that it's pulmonary scleroderma. Then we all get to go home.


[User] Propofol? You sure �

[Assistant] Have one of the guards bring it in.


[User] No one is leaving. [He sees a picture of Cuddy on the bookshelf.] She's not a cop? Dr. Cuddy brings in the drugs. Alone.

[Assistant] She might be armed. I'd have her deliver it shirtless. Who is it?


[User] Oh, God, House. Maybe we should wait for �

[Assistant] Guys with Even bigger guns?


[User] [calling from the office] Say good-bye or I shoot her.

[Assistant] Roll up your sleEve.


[User] Give it to someone else first.

[Assistant] You're the only one who needs it.


[User] Give it to someone else. If it goes in okay, you can give a second dose to me. I don't care who. Just pick someone.

[Assistant] Again, had your brilliant plan included a roomful of hostages that don't have fetuses, bacterial and fungal infections, leaving their immune systems too weak to deal with the metabolic strain, or are already on pain killers that have fatal interactions!


[User] Aw, come on, Man. Don't take it out on us. You got a pRoblem with doctors? Take it out on the doctors. [points to Thirteen] Give it to her.

[Assistant] She's sick. [to Larry] You are a very large creep. Take off your shirt. [He injects Larry, who grunts.] Satisfied?


[User] [standing] Fine.

[Assistant] [to Jason] Roll up your sleEve.


[User] You think I'm an idiot? Huh? That's what you think?

[Assistant] I thought I had a little more time with a guy that size. [Jason primes the gun and points it at House.] You're not gonna do anything. You still need me.


[User] Hoh. Come on!

[Assistant] What are you doing? He didn't do anything.


[User] You're right. I need you. I also need you to know you can't screw with me.

[Assistant] [to Jason] It's for you.


[User] It's House.

[Assistant] Joe's Bar and Grill.


[User] It's Foreman, and Every fellow you've had in the last five years.

[Assistant] [turning on the speakerphone and putting the phone on the desk] What causes low lung volume, heart palpitations, fatigue, stomach pain, insomnia, and a rash?


[User] This is pathetic. If I strap a bomb to my chest, do I get sEven doctors attending to me?

[Assistant] Dr. Chase. On the off chance you have some brilliant escape plan and are the vengeful type.


[User] Do you think he's the only guy in New Jersey with an unsolved illness and a pistol? I'm not playing this game.

[Assistant] Seriously? You're walking out?


[User] No, he's just kidding. He's right here.

[Assistant] [taking a picture off the wall and gesturing to Oliver] Throw me that marker, will you? [He does.]


[User] Heart palpitations and fatigue � could be a cancer that's spread from the lungs.

[Assistant] [writing on Cuddy's wall] Next!


[User] [referring to Mitch who is stretched out on the floor] I think he's going into shock.

[Assistant] First rule of triage: Guys with guns go first. Next!


[User] You needed to write four things down to remember 'em?

[Assistant] It's not my wall. You're gonna get some special deliveries. Foreman, we're gonna draw blood. Run tests for infection and cancer. Cameron, comb through his medical records. See if any of his past 900 medications could have screwed up his heart. Taub and Kutner, go to his apartment, check for neurotoxins.


[User] 873 Marshall, South Brunswick. Back window's unlocked.

[Assistant] Giving out your address. Clearly you're not going back there. Means you do have an end game.


[User] I'm Lieutenant BowMan. How's Everyone doing in there?

[Assistant] Got one lower limb flesh wound, another guy unconscious. Unfortunately, not the guy we hoped. We're gonna need someone to deliver his blood. [Jason disconnects the call.] It's gonna be hard to play doctor �


[User] Get back! Get back! [He runs to the wall next to the window Thirteen is in front of.] I will kill her unless you back the hell out of there now!

[Assistant] Interesting. Anybody else hear those guys outside? [pause] Anybody? He's got hyperacusis.


[User] What does that mean?

[Assistant] It means we have a favorite. It's nerve related.


[User] Amped-up hearing could be linked to nerve palsy.

[Assistant] Puff out your cheeks. Come on. [House demonstrates and Jason imitates him.] Now big mug shot smile.


[User] Left side facial weakness.

[Assistant] SEventh nerve palsy. Plus intermittent rashes. Plus migraines. It's post-herpetic neuralgia.


[User] Herpetic? You think I have herpes?

[Assistant] I'm not judging here. This thing is just as likely to be caused by Parkcken pox.


[User] I need proof now.

[Assistant] There is a test. It's dangerous and painful while the treatment is safe and painless. But you make a good point. You need proof now. I'll order up the test. If you have neuralgia, you won't feel it going in.


[User] It only hurts if your diagnosis is wrong?

[Assistant] Win-win.


[User] You're gonna send in! [He gestures to House with the gun.]

[Assistant] Capsaicin. 200 micrograms.


[User] Jason, I'm not gonna let her do that.

[Assistant] First � don't use his name so much. It doesn't sound reassuring, it just sounds creepy. Second � come on, he's not gonna shoot the one person he trusts to bring in his medication. He's gonna shoot the hostages if she doesn't bring it in.


[User] Who's taking the first dose?

[Assistant] [talking through the cap of the syringe which is in his mouth] Anybody here got a long-standing case of neuralgia that's killed their nerves so this won't hurt at all?


[User] How bad does it hurt?

[Assistant] You're looking to be the hero?


[User] How old are you?

[Assistant] The guy's got a gun. I think that covers the parental consent issue.


[User] Ah. No way am I taking that crap. Come on.

[Assistant] You have to. It's the rules.


[User] I'll do it.

[Assistant] This is a lEvel of risk taking beyond anonymous girl-on-girl action.


[User] They're Patients. I'm a doctor.

[Assistant] With a degenerative, drug-unfriendly illness.


[User] Everything's not some fascinating character flaw.

[Assistant] This is a genetic flaw. This is your Huntington's speaking. This is you waving a white flag at the world.


[User] Yes, I have a shortened life span. Another reason why I'm objectively the right choice. [She gasps and doubles over in pain.]

[Assistant] Wow! I would have laid money you had herpes. [to Jason] Your turn. So why are we here? We've ruled out immediate risk of death, lost love. That just leaves! work? You're defined by your work. But you kept seeing doctors, kept missing time. Couldn't focus. [injects him] Maybe you made a huge mistake! got fired.


[User] I just want an answer.

[Assistant] I know. I'm asking why.


[User] White blood cell count's normal. It's not infection.

[Assistant] So either his heart's on the fritz, or he's got cancer.


[User] Classic signs of an upper-lobe tumor.

[Assistant] Or she's just ugly.


[User] [sitting on the floor, near Jason] It's his heart.

[Assistant] You can't be sure what �


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] I am going to try to strangle you faster than you can pull a trigger.


[User] He needs to check your pulse.

[Assistant] It's racing. 160.


[User] Don't. He didn't mean to �

[Assistant] Shut up! All of you. [He listens to Jason's heart with the stethoscope then removes it and reaches for Jason's neck again.]


[User] What are � what are you doing? What are you doing?

[Assistant] Carotid massage! gotta slow your heart. It's 200.


[User] Well, get the paddles.

[Assistant] Uh-uh. Whole point of those things is to make your muscles contract. They don't discriminate against trigger fingers.


[User] Nobody gets my gun. [He yells toward the phone, which is on speaker.] Send in paddles!

[Assistant] [equally loud] Don't!


[User] Get the damn paddles! Or I'll shoot you.

[Assistant] Threatening to shoot the guy who's diagnosing you makes a lot of sense. Actually doing it, not so much.


[User] We can cardiovert chemically.

[Assistant] If we don't know what kind of heart rhythm it is �


[User] No one goes anywhere!

[Assistant] If she doesn't come back, you've got plenty of other people you can shoot.


[User] [gesturing toward Oliver] You! come here. [to Thirteen] All right! 30 seconds.

[Assistant] She's gonna go.


[User] She's gonna come back.

[Assistant] She should go.


[User] [referring to Oliver] He'll kill him.

[Assistant] But not her.


[User] That your version of morality?

[Assistant] If you don't think your life is worth more than someone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself.


[User] She takes it first.

[Assistant] Adenosine slows the heart. Which is fine, if it's beating fast like yours. Not fine if it's normal, like hers. Following the math on this?


[User] She takes Everything I take. I don't want anything that cross-reacts.

[Assistant] The martyr's heart is beating dangerously slow. Are we good to go? [He injects Jason while Regina tends to Thirteen.] [House feels for Jason's pulse.] Your heart's back to normal. No tachycardia. No sign of a heart defect at all. [pause] But you're sweating.


[User] I nearly had a heart attack. You're surprised I'm sweating?

[Assistant] On one side of your face, but not the other.


[User] What's that mean?

[Assistant] A tumor is pressing on your sympathetic nerves. You have lung cancer.


[User] Pulse is down below 50.

[Assistant] So's her IQ. Help her up. Get her heart going faster. [He looks at Oliver who goes over to help.]


[User] I need proof it's cancer.

[Assistant] Of course you do! It's gotta be a Pancoast tumor. Patient's got dyspnea, sEventh-nerve palsy. He's sweating on one side of his face.


[User] Everything okay in there?

[Assistant] Take your time. It's not like I've got a gun to my head.


[User] Lung cancer usually shows up lower than the sEventh nerve. Did you check his throat?

[Assistant] [to Jason] Spit on the floor.


[User] What?

[Assistant] If I do it, I can't tell Cuddy that it was medically necessary. I'm gonna ask you to piss on her chair next. [Jason tries to spit. Nothing comes out. He coughs.] Dry mouth. His parotid glands aren't working.


[User] If there's swelling, it's a Pancoast tumor that's metastasized.

[Assistant] Feel that. Right there.


[User] [feeling it] If it's cancer, there must be a test.

[Assistant] You just did it.


[User] What about an X-ray or something?

[Assistant] Good idea. Oh, damn. I left my CT maParkne in my other pants.


[User] How Many hostages do you think it would cost me for a trip to radiology?

[Assistant] So! what made you snap? HMOs?


[User] Shut up.

[Assistant] Nah, you saw 16 doctors. How bad could they have been?


[User] Shut up!

[Assistant] Humiliation? Doctors treating you like a piece of meat? Too Many fingers and tubes up your holes. You hate doctors. You want to take back control. If so, I apologize for the fact that you are a piece of meat.


[User] Move around. [He lies down with his head in the headrest.] Anyone moves! I fire.

[Assistant] That's not all. Curiosity's not enough. There's gotta be a deeper reason.


[User] You nEver did anything just because you had to know?

[Assistant] NEver shot anyone.


[User] You're not me. This is my body. This is my life. And there's a truth out there. I'd rather rot in jail knowing than! I can't handle not knowing. [The gun, which is facing Regina, quivers.]

[Assistant] Yeah. What's this?


[User] Starburst artifact. The metal from the gun is ruining the image.

[Assistant] [to Oliver] Show him.


[User] [turning the pad around] Starburst.

[Assistant] Now, unless you think we pre-arranged that, just in case we were Ever held hostage by a guy who needs a CT, we're not lying. So you have two choices. You can give me the gun and get your answer. Or you can shoot me.


[User] House got him to give up his gun. We just ran.

[Assistant] [looking back at Oliver] Why are you still here?


[User] They're gonna be through that door any moment. Just show me the tumor.

[Assistant] There isn't one. I don't know what you have.


[User] You had four theories. You ruled out four theories. Maybe no one can cure me.

[Assistant] He overpowered me and got the gun back. [He hangs up.]


[User] [to House] You're a coward. You need to know Everything because you're afraid to be wrong. You're so afraid of being ordinary, of being just another doctor, just another huMan being, that you'll risk other people's lives.

[Assistant] I'm arrogant. You're the coward. You're terrified of death. You just want to cheat it by making it come sooner. Gives you the illusion of control.


[User] [standing in the corner behind Thirteen] Can I go?

[Assistant] Sorry. We might need you. [The phone starts ringing again. House picks it up and slams down the receiver.] How do they expect me to think?


[User] Are you insane?

[Assistant] He's quick for a sick guy. Dyspnea, anemia, sEventh-nerve palsy, tachycardia. [He puts his cell phone on speaker and drops it on the counter.] Long passes. Anything. Go.


[User] Loa loa filariasis.

[Assistant] You Ever been to Cameroon or on the Ogowe River? Next.


[User] [getting up and approaParkng the desk] Histiocytosis X explains the lung involvement and �

[Assistant] [getting up and approaParkng Jason] Whoa, whoa, whoa! We have a new symptom. He is turning his head, favoring his left ear. Means he's partially deaf in the right.


[User] I'm doing this by choice. It's not a symptom.

[Assistant] We'll keep that between us till you talk to your Lawyer. [He picks up the wall phone and pushes the intercom and speakerphone buttons. He speaks to BowMan] I need dexamethasone and enough time to provoke a respiratory reaction and confirm Cushing's syndrome.


[User] House, you can't �

[Assistant] If you have Cushing's, this will slow your breathing.


[User] Give it to her first.

[Assistant] Those were not the terms.


[User] [pointing the gun] I lied. These drugs could be fake.

[Assistant] Why would I do that? I gave you back the gun!


[User] You wouldn't. They would.

[Assistant] She has Huntington's. If these drugs are real, it could screw up her liver.


[User] [grabbing the syringe and injecting herself in the hip] The chances are slim. Chances of him shooting one of us, on the other hand �

[Assistant] Don't do �


[User] Eight, ten years.

[Assistant] Killing her is your chance to get personal?


[User] So if we get out of here �

[Assistant] If she were clinging to hope, she wouldn't be standing in line waiting for you to order up more drugs. [He puts on a stethoscope and goes to Jason.] Take a deep breath.


[User] Not knowing what was wrong with me! made me miserable. Maybe that's insane. Doing this! Yeah. Insane. But I had something to gain. You can't take risks with no upside at all.

[Assistant] [removing the stethoscope] I can't decide which is riskier, taking crazy risks or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazed risk-taker. [He goes to Thirteen and feels for her pulse.] Heart's racing. FEver. [He lays her down on the CT bed and turns to Jason.] And your breathing's unchanged.


[User] Does that mean she!

[Assistant] Means I was wrong. Her kidneys are shutting down because of the meds you made her take. We have to get her out of here. [He opens his cell phone.] The dexamethasone is making Thirteen's kidneys fail, but not the Patient's � why?


[User] This guy's been on 50 different medications. Maybe his kidneys should be failing, but something's protecting them.

[Assistant] [to Jason] I need to slap you. For diagnostic purposes. [Jason points the gun at him.] Seriously. If I was jerking you around, I'd say I needed to kick you in the groin. [Jason lowers the gun and House slaps him across the face.] That twitch is Chvostek's sign. Don't ask me how Chvostek discovered it. [into the phone] He has calcium deficiency. Drugs that block calcium tend to shield against kidney damage.


[User] He's been on protein pump inhibitors for years for his stomach pain.

[Assistant] Those drugs have been protecting his kidneys for years. He has something that has a long incubation period. Something that should have wrecked his kidneys. Something that explains breathing pRoblems, heart pRoblems, jumpy nerves, and weak blood.


[User] LeishManiasis.

[Assistant] Would make perfect sense if our Patient was an Arabian Bedouin.


[User] Melioidosis. Bacteria gets into the lungs, spreads to the heart. It explains Everything.

[Assistant] Except that if you read the history, you'd know that our Patient has nEver been to a tropical climate!


[User] I've nEver been anywhere south of Florida.

[Assistant] You idiot.


[User] Florida counts?

[Assistant] Well, not to the Supreme Court. But it's warm enough for germs. [He closes his cell phone and walks over to the wall phone.] You keep blaming doctors when you can't Even give a halfway decent history.


[User] Negotiation's over.

[Assistant] It will be as soon as you get us three grams of ceftazidime.


[User] You can have Dr. House.

[Assistant] [disconnecting the call] Why are you getting rid of me?


[User] I need to trade you for the answer.

[Assistant] You're gonna give her the meds.


[User] No!

[Assistant] Come on, give 'em to me instead.


[User] [apologetically] She's taken Everything I've taken. The combination of meds could knock me out.

[Assistant] [angrily]Her kidneys are failing. You give her those drugs, she'll be dead by the time they get the cuffs on you.


[User] I need my answer.

[Assistant] Your obsession is gonna kill her!


[User] Your obsession gave me back the gun! [He points the gun at House.]

[Assistant] [calmer now] It is pointless to give her those drugs. Even if they are screwing with you, this is your last diagnosis.


[User] [pushing herself to a semi-sitting position] House, get out of here.

[Assistant] Shut up. I'm not leaving.


[User] I don't want to die! I don't want to die!

[Assistant] Why are you still alive?


[User] About that Huntington's drug trial! [She smiles at him.]

[Assistant] Test confirmed melioidosis. Easy to miss on a stain. [He retriEves his cane.] Scans and X-rays vary widely.


[User] Is that all you care about? A moron storms the clinic, bullies his way into life without parole, you enabling him Every step.

[Assistant] If he hadn't done what he did, he'd be dead. Good thing you enabled my Every medical move. [He moves to stand closer to her.]


[User] You think I handled this differently because you were in here?

[Assistant] I don't know. Let's try it again without me.


[User] This is why you and I can't be a! thing.

[Assistant] If you're suggesting that you screwed up because of a non-relationship with me, I don't know how I can help you. 'Cause the only change you can make from a non-relationship is!


[User] You want a relationship?

[Assistant] God, no. Just trying to follow your logic.


[User] Any idea why we're getting half as Many requests for you as usual?

[Assistant] Democrats' health care plan?


[User] At least we have one case that looks intriguing. 30-year-old fitness trainer suddenly can't breathe. Collapses and breaks her ankle. [He grabs the file and starts reading.] That's it? You're not gonna argue why this case is beneath you?

[Assistant] No point. I'm in an elevator. Can't run away.


[User] You can't run away anyway.

[Assistant] That's just mean. [They get off the elevator and walk down the hall side by side.] Why are we still together?


[User] We are going to our office.

[Assistant] Pronoun confusion. Starts kicking in once you pass Parkld-bearing age.


[User] Well, that's just mean. My office was recently destroyed. I thought I'd use the office of the doctor directly responsible. [She blocks the door to House's office with her arm.]

[Assistant] I think the Patient holding the gun to my head was actually the one directly responsible.


[User] My desk won't fit in his cell. You can use our outer office.

[Assistant] Where's Foreman and Thirteen?


[User] What's Cuddy doing in your office?

[Assistant] Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?


[User] [calling from House's office] These walls aren't soundproof.

[Assistant] I'm well aware. [to Kutner and Taub] Normal CT means that her lung pRoblem has the distinction of having nothing to do with her lungs.


[User] [looking at a photo from the file] Steroids. No one looks this fit without cheating. Anabolic steroids hack away at the immune system, left her open to a pulmonary infection.

[Assistant] [looking at the picture] Wow. Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.


[User] She has infomercials to sell her DVDs. What? I'm up late a lot.

[Assistant] And you actually beliEve what you see on TV. Go run the labs.


[User] [loudly] The labs are back. And there's no sign of steroid use. Can someone please read her file?

[Assistant] Can someone please stop backseat differentialating?


[User] [joining them] Perfect, except that she was jogging half a mile from the nearest road. In the cold. Cold air hits the lungs, sets off an attack. Exercise-induced asthma.

[Assistant] Nice try. Except EIA doesn't account for the elevated BP, if you'd read the file. [to Taub and Kutner] Come on. Before the shrieking harpy melts my brain.


[User] Her BP's fine.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] Exercise-induced asthma actually fits.

[Assistant] I know. You know. She can't know.


[User] The only good way to test for EIA is to recreate the conditions in which the attack occurred. But we can't exactly make her run out in the cold on a broken ankle.

[Assistant] Get creative. [He fakes giving Taub Emmy's photo. When he reaches for it, House gives it to Kutner.]


[User] Shut up. Stop. You can stop feeling guilty. Your best tapping rate was .004 taps per millisecond. Means your nerves have started degenerating.

[Assistant] You wanna work in here? Fine. Me too. We'll split the desk, 50-50. That side's yours. This side's mine.


[User] You're right. There's plenty of space here. Neither one of us needs all of it.

[Assistant] So that's your strategy. Taking the high road. It's not gonna work.


[User] We shocked her back to sinus rhythm. She's stable. Test didn't set it off. Her EKG was normal.

[Assistant] Well, she's consistent. The lung pRoblems had nothing to do with her lungs. A heart pRoblem that has nothing to do with her heart. Something is strangling her system.


[User] Carcinoid tumor?

[Assistant] Find it, cut it out.


[User] Because our Patient's a big, fat cheater.

[Assistant] Subtle. No way you geniuses could've spotted this.


[User] [into the phone] Hold on a second. [She puts her hand over the mouthpiece and turns to House.] Can you do this outside?

[Assistant] I could, but that would defeat the purpose of doing it here. Where are the smart guys?


[User] If you mean Foreman and Thirteen, apparently the first appointment of the drug trial's an all-day thing.

[Assistant] I said yes to this?


[User] Her gastric bypass procedure could cause �

[Assistant] Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.


[User] Should we treat her like a 60-year-old Asian Man too? She's not fat.

[Assistant] Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.


[User] When she was obese, she pRobably had type two diabetes. Could've left her with perManent nerve damage.

[Assistant] Ten points for doing what I said. Minus ten points for doing it badly. If this was diabetes-induced nerve damage, it would've kicked in years ago. [Turns to his desk. Cuddy is still on the phone. Loudly] Have you seen my balls?


[User] Can you hold on a second? [She puts the phone against her shoulder and turns to listen to House.]

[Assistant] My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one.


[User] Your plan isn't gonna work.

[Assistant] Of course it is. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny that it's making you miserable. You try to make me miserable so I'll stop making you miserable. And Eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery.


[User] [searParkng in her purse] You're not bothering me.

[Assistant] Step one complete.


[User] Sleep apnea explains �

[Assistant] Apnea would've disappeared when she shrank.


[User] Apnea cuts off oxygen to the brain. The resulting neurological damage �

[Assistant] She been snoring?


[User] She didn't mention it.

[Assistant] Did she mention feeling tired after a full night's sleep?


[User] No, but �

[Assistant] [staring at the photo] This isn't apnea. And this is a stupid room to be doing a DDX in. Cliff notes. Gastric bypass only makes her skinny on the outside. On the inside, we have heart and lung issues not caused by heart and lung issues.


[User] Forget the bypass.

[Assistant] Let the dying girl finish.


[User] You said forget the �

[Assistant] Tssss. Dr. Thirteen has the floor.


[User] Bypass could create malabsorption issues. Leads to low potassium.

[Assistant] Very stupid. Her potassium's fine.


[User] But her intestines aren't. Gastric bypass could cause malabsorption by creating a blind loop of bowel. It ulcerates during exercise. Bacteria get loose in the bloodstream. Migrate to the heart and lungs.

[Assistant] Very not stupid. Bacteria in the bowels means there's bacteria in the poop. Get some and test it.


[User] He could've come up with SIBO anywhere else in the hospital. You didn't need to come down here and screw with us.

[Assistant] But her wrong idea led to his right one. It was vital screwing.


[User] It is. You just can't appreciate it because it's gonna destroy your career.

[Assistant] [standing behind them, unnoticed] What happened? He call Foreman "clean and articulate" again? It is surprising.


[User] Clinic Patients just whining.

[Assistant] What's the poop?


[User] It's gonna take about an hour to spin down the sample.

[Assistant] What are we looking for?


[User] You don't know?

[Assistant] I'm doing my famous Socrates impression. Think I really nailed the accent.


[User] High fat content indiCates SIBO.

[Assistant] And what does fat do in water? [He's at the sink with the tap turned on.]


[User] It floats.

[Assistant] What else floats in water? Looks like I was wrong to dismiss apnea. You guys can stay up all night gloating in the sleep lab. [He drops the glove on the bucket and leaves.]


[User] Numbness in her left foot is ascending into her leg.

[Assistant] How did she Manage to sneak out for a run?


[User] She said she needed to use the bathroom.

[Assistant] You two get the results of the sleep apnea test, or did those need to use the bathroom too?


[User] I was mixing some hydrogen sulfide for good and valid reasons and must've spilled some on my side. Did it waft over to your side?

[Assistant] Cunning plan. You do realize it's gonna stink for hours � on both sides.


[User] Or her brain.

[Assistant] Or both.


[User] Appreciate the life lesson, but 15 minutes give or take isn't gonna make a difference. Get started on your other Patients. I'll be down there when we're done here.

[Assistant] Way to know where your bread is buttered, sister. [raising his hand for a high five] Up high!


[User] But if it's her nerves, it could be transverse myelitis.

[Assistant] Or a million other things. We're gonna stay in the dark until we can figure out if her electrical pRoblem is in her power station or in the high-tension wires. [They stare at him.] Power station's the brain. Wires are the nerves. Go run an NCV test.


[User] She has muscle weakness. Could indiCate myasthenia gravis.

[Assistant] I had the weirdest dream. You guys did the test in a reasonable amount of time and came back here before I had time to fall asleep. [winces] You guys still smell that?


[User] Maybe you should just let her have your office.

[Assistant] Or! [Sean Connery imitation] She sends one of yours to the hospital, send one of hers to the morgue. It's not myasthenia gravis. Her breathing's improving and the weakness is in her extremities.


[User] I don't think sabotaging your boss' office is a wise counterattack.

[Assistant] All that is needed for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing. [He hands Taub his cane and picks up a sledge hammer.]


[User] She pRobably used a lot of botox to tighten up her skin.

[Assistant] True. [He limps into the bathroom.] Could also be any kind of heavy metal toxicity. PSP or arsenic from eating too much seafood. Cadmium from bad bottled water. Lead or nickel from canned fruits or natural grains.


[User] I don't think replacing that was part of the renovation plans.

[Assistant] It is now. Lucky for us, we can treat all those toxins with the same thing: chelation.


[User] The chelation didn't work. Her muscles are still deteriorating.

[Assistant] That rules out toxins. So what else can go wrong when the Hindenburg deflates?


[User] Why aren't we doing this in your office?

[Assistant] Obviously because it would be stupid to do this in an office with no furniture. Cuddy! overreacted to my overreaction.


[User] Coronaro-cardiac fistula. Even a small hole could cause �

[Assistant] This started in the lungs, not the heart. And why are you leaning on a 45-degree angle away from Foreman?


[User] [sitting up] I'm sitting straight.

[Assistant] Trouble in the land of false hope?


[User] Everything is fine. Austrian syndrome.

[Assistant] Nice deflection. But our Patient doesn't drink. She's a health nut. And Even if I was a cynical guy and thought that she was a liar, I'd have done a tox screen, which would've come back negative for alcohol. You should come to these gatherings more often. Keep you from looking like an idiot. [Kutner's beeper goes off.] Are you making book, or did something else happen to our Patient?


[User] [His beeper goes off. He puts it on vibrate.] Guillain-Barr�. Usually starts as a muscle pain Patients compare to the pain of over-exercising.

[Assistant] So who's paging you? Your wife? Does it worry you that she paged Kutner first?


[User] Guillain-Barr� fits. Patient didn't notice the initial symptoms because it's no different than how she feels Every day. Her muscle weakness is the precursor to full paralysis.

[Assistant] Gastric bypass pRobably set it off. Oh, at what price beauty? Go start her on plasmapheresis.


[User] You going over the fence?

[Assistant] Took three visits, but I finally convinced the contractor that I'm Cuddy's boss. And all the office renovation plans need to go through me.


[User] You did do the math on this, right? Screwing with her office means her renovations will take longer. Means she will be in your office longer.

[Assistant] [marking an area on the blueprint] See there? I'm having a bidet put in instead of a toilet. Not in addition to. Instead of. You want to know what happened to the old toilet?


[User] She'll be with you where you claim to not want her.

[Assistant] I smashed it with a sledgehammer.


[User] I think in some ancient cultures that was actually considered a proposal of marriage.

[Assistant] Is this fun for you? Analyzing Everyone else's fun away?


[User] Which means whatEver it is, it's now in her brain. [She gets up to leave.]

[Assistant] Where are you going?


[User] Sorry. Treatment.

[Assistant] Does Foreman schedule your appointments by numbers on the clock or just by when I'm in the middle of something?


[User] Sorry if I'm dying at a bad time for you. Could be CNS lymphoma. [She leaves.]

[Assistant] [calling after her] So losing the 200 pounds was just a coincidence? [He gets up.]


[User] What about a prion disease?

[Assistant] If her brain is slowly turning into a Swiss cheese, there's not a lot we can do.


[User] There are some possible treatments.

[Assistant] Get a brain biopsy to confirm.


[User] You're not cutting into this Woman's brain before you test.

[Assistant] That is the test.


[User] Not for CNS lymphoma, which is a perfectly legitimate diagnosis. One you can test for non-invasively.

[Assistant] You're obviously not opposed to being invasive.


[User] Rule out CNS lymphoma first. Then rule out astrocytoma, then rule out other brain tumors!

[Assistant] I hereby declare them ruled out.


[User] Run the tests. You can do a brain biopsy, but only as a last resort. [She returns to his office.]

[Assistant] [following her] Start running down Cuddy's list of diseases it's not. [Taub and Kutner get up.] You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me! because you have the hots for me.


[User] You're still here because you have the hots for me.

[Assistant] Evidenced by the fact that I'm the one who moved into your office.


[User] It's the biggest office. And I'm not the one that destroyed �

[Assistant] Why are you dressed like that? Why do you try so hard to get my attention? Are you screwing with me?


[User] Are you screwing with me?

[Assistant] That depends on your answer.


[User] Everybody knows this is going somewhere. [pause] I think we're supposed to kiss now.

[Assistant] We already did that. [He puts his hand on her breast.] It seemed like the logical next step.


[User] Really? I'm an idiot for being surprised.

[Assistant] Can you leave these?


[User] [entering] Uh, where's Cuddy? It's not CNS lymphoma.

[Assistant] I know.


[User] She's getting worse. You want me to find Cuddy and get her approval for the brain biopsy?

[Assistant] When you were philandering with impunity, how did that feel?


[User] Superficially, I loved it. But deep down, I think I was miserable. Why? What's going on?

[Assistant] You weren't miserable. You gave something away to make a relationship work. You rationalize that you're getting something back.


[User] Okay, I'm gonna go get Cuddy's approval for the brain biopsy.

[Assistant] Leave 'em there. I'm gonna do the biopsy myself. [He leaves.]


[User] Cuddy wanted us to eliminate sEven different things.

[Assistant] Cuddy doesn't always get what she wants.


[User] Bad idea to get into a power play with somebody who has the power.

[Assistant] You're fired. Just reinforcing your point.


[User] WhatEver personal drama you're playing out, you'd be a lot smarter to �

[Assistant] Thought you said she was sick. Sick people don't spontaneously get better.


[User] Yes, they do. It's called an immune system.

[Assistant] Sick people who are sick enough to make it to me don't spontaneously get better. Not as pithy, but yeah, technically more accurate. What's the last thing you gave her?


[User] I took her for an MRI looking for �

[Assistant] MRIs detect. They don't treat. What did you give her after the MRI?


[User] I didn't give her anything. She got depressed at the lack of direction. We went to the cafeteria for some chocolate cake. Took her to her room, hung a banana bag, let her rest.

[Assistant] You gave her cake.


[User] She asked for it. I figured �

[Assistant] You figured you'd let me play 20 questions instead of just telling me. [He leaves. Taub follows.] Feeling crappy again? I brought your cure. [He pulls off the lid of the cake container and gives it to Taub. There's a whole, chocolate-frosted, two-layer cake inside.] I'd give you an IV of this stuff, but the frosting tends to get stuck in the little tubes.


[User] Is this a joke?

[Assistant] It's not a joke. Not a lie. Not an attempt to defraud in any way. It's an actual licensed physician with an actual diagnosis. Hereditary coproporphyria. [He brings a forkful to her and she turns her head away.] Your face is genetically blessed. Your body chemistry is slightly less so. [He eats the cake.] Doesn't make enough of a certain enzyme that I can't pronounce, but it's apparently important for your liver and Everything else. Treatment is a high carb diet rich in sugar. When you were a porker, you were self-medicating.


[User] We just have to rEverse your gastric bypass and get you back on a high carb, glucose-enriched diet.

[Assistant] The best you you could be is a lot more you. [He brings another forkful of cake to her.] Open the hangar. Here comes the plane.


[User] You don't want to have the surgery?

[Assistant] Understand. There's not Many people who have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. The income's better and you get more action. I'll start you on your drug treatment right away. [He leaves.]


[User] House is gonna kill us.

[Assistant] Slowly. [They turn. He's standing behind them.] And painfully. You're not only idiots, you're frauds. Fraudulent idiots. Fraudulent idiotic killers, as it turns out.


[User] House, this was really my �

[Assistant] Your fault? Yeah! For pretending to be me when you're not Even competent. [He throws a file at Kutner.] And your fault for not ratting him out while the Patient was still alive. What she had was easily treatable. She could've been fine. Damn treatment's so simple. [He stares at her.] Might still be possible.


[User] She was dead.

[Assistant] She wasn't dead. She wasn't Even sick, you moron. [DeeDee raises her hand and House gives her a high five.] Seriously, how good was she? No formal training. At least not in acting.


[User] Did you see their faces?

[Assistant] I think we may have an anal hygiene violation there.


[User] So the CT.

[Assistant] That was from a Patient three years ago. It was hard to find. But the hair and make-up, getting Chase and Cameron to play along, much easier.


[User] We deserved it. I'll take down the website before �

[Assistant] Take it down? Are you kidding? It's way too lucrative to shut it down. For Chase, for me. I earn 50% for letting you use my name. Chop chop. Go to work. First dollars go to expenses. I booked our little thespian here for two full days. That's three G's I owe her.


[User] And you still got 3 hours left.

[Assistant] Do I?


[User] 16-year-old female gets pranked and also gets visual hallucinations and vomiting. Turns out to be a failing liver.

[Assistant] Why have Foreman's breasts suddenly started to droop?


[User] Large breasts are a classic symptom of you letting Foreman take vacation days so he can finish his FDA reports before the end of the year.

[Assistant] When are you taking vacation? [He raises his eyebrows suggestively.]


[User] Hepatic and neurological involvement �

[Assistant] So I understand Foreman's absence. Your presence, not so much.


[User] I'm bringing in a case. You may have noticed me doing that before.

[Assistant] I've noticed you a lot recently. It's almost as if you have a sexual interest in someone here. Like, say! Taub.


[User] [grabs the card] "Greg, made me think of you."�

[Assistant] That's funny. Usually explodes after I do that.


[User] You throwing that away?

[Assistant] Twice. [He grabs it and puts it back in the trash] Someone's screwing with me. Forget it.


[User] Handwriting's kinda girly. You got an admirer, House?

[Assistant] I said, forget the book! [The fellows look at each other] Why'd they pick on her?


[User] She's an overaParkEver. High grades. She volunteers. She's a big target.

[Assistant] I'm assuming literally. Depending on where this school falls on the Healthers scale!


[User] Do you think the kids slipped her something? Their teachers grilled them.

[Assistant] When do teachers nEver know how to motivate their students?


[User] Well, scratch the hallucinations. That's from the mushrooms. That leaves liver failure and now pulmonary edema.

[Assistant] And you, standing there, beseeParkngly.


[User] Thirteen and Foreman were busy drug trialing and we needed an answer on the overdose so we called her in. She's just updating us.

[Assistant] [to Cuddy] Convenient.


[User] This is a good experience for me, as my parents nEver got divorced.

[Assistant] Theories!


[User] House. We all know what's going on here. Cuddy gave you that present.

[Assistant] No. Infections?


[User] [standing] I think! [loud, long sigh] I think she loves you.

[Assistant] [angrily] I told you to lay off the present. [The fellows smile behind his back.] and the LSD. We got distracted by the painkillers. Toxins are still the most likely.


[User] Just tell her how you feel. If you won't, then I will. I'll walk right down there. Damn it. Love like this needs to fly free.

[Assistant] You talked to Wilson.


[User] He has very girly handwriting, by the way.

[Assistant] I knew I should have just wrapped a new present. You said the Patient volunteered. Where?


[User] [checking file] Uh, Pleasant Valley.

[Assistant] Soup kitchen in Trenton. Thirteen, Kutner � go search the home and the school. Taub, you take the anal swabbing of the fragrant and contagious homeless men. [Taub stops smiling as the fellows leave.] Why don't you just hang out in the video store and tell Everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? [He grabs the ice cream] By the way, that ending really made no sense at all.


[User] You had my present for a year and didn't Even open it?

[Assistant] I had no way of knowing there was an expensive book inside.


[User] Completely meaningless prank, Even for you. [He gets another ice cream sandwich]

[Assistant] Stealing your ice cream is a completely meaningless, albeit delicious prank. Observing my team's reactions to unexplained phenomena could've been pretty useful.


[User] [paying for their food] Of all the ways to mess with people, why give yourself an imaginary present?

[Assistant] Have you checked the prices for firemen strippers recently?


[User] Yes. [House pauses while eating the ice cream to stare at Wilson.] The holidays. They're hard for you. I get it. [They sit at a table] You see the people around you giving and receiving gifts, having sustained, meaningful relationships. And, since you can't, something deep in your subconscious makes you create the appearance of a gift. It's sad.

[Assistant] You really passed your psych rotation?


[User] It's too bad you can't just be nice to people. You could get a real present that way.

[Assistant] If I wanted gifts, I would just look deep into my Patient's eyes and act like you. "Oh, I'm so sorry you're dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I'll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I can make up for in!"�


[User] You just wind up insulting her. Perhaps calling her "Mrs. Moron."�

[Assistant] Right, because I'm physically incapable of being polite.


[User] Being kind in a sustained, meaningful way? No.

[Assistant] Oh, I get it. You're trying to get me to prove you wrong. Then I'm gonna be nice to all my Patients all through the holiday season and then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's porridge. I'm totally on it.


[User] Yeah. That actually is what I'm trying to do. And the pathetic part is, it's not going to work.

[Assistant] [thoughtfully] You're right. I gotta stop being such a jerk. [Wilson looks at him. He takes Wilson's second ice cream sandwich.] Oops. Kinda undercut myself there. [He leaves]


[User] House. It's tuberculosis.

[Assistant] You got that from an anal swab? Man, you're good.


[User] It was a more subtle clue. Homeless guy, uncontrollably hacking up blood. Cough's lasted two months. He was cachectic.

[Assistant] [removing his jacket and swiping a lab coat from a chair back] Unless you can tie him to the Patient!


[User] Yes. Again, if only there was some subtle clue like the fact that he was standing next to her in the soup line for a week.

[Assistant] I hate spunk.


[User] TB can cause lung failure, liver symptoms! Fits.

[Assistant] Start her on the standard regimen. [He heads for an exam room]


[User] Uh, you don't have clinic duty today.

[Assistant] Who says it's a duty? Hi. I'm Greg.


[User] Hi. I'm Whitney.

[Assistant] Hi, Whitney. How can I help you? [He limps to a stool and sits.]


[User] I have a! a terrible headache.

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll get you fixed up. Is there anything else you need like a bottle of water? Coffee? Mint tea?


[User] No, but that's so nice. Usually the clinic doctors are kinda rushed.

[Assistant] If you can't be nice, why be a doctor. So, where do you feel the pain?


[User] In the back of my head here.

[Assistant] Uh, huh. It's Beccaria's sign. That'll be gone by your third trimester.


[User] Uh, I'm not in school.

[Assistant] [deep breath] Neither is your fetus.


[User] Oh, God.

[Assistant] You didn't know that you were pregnant?


[User] How do you! You know that just from the headache?

[Assistant] How do I know? I missed my period. I got fat, threw up. Oh no, wait. That's how you know.


[User] What?

[Assistant] I know because of the tight shirt stretched over the swollen boobs, the salt craving you imported into the clinic, [gestures at the almost empty bag of Parkps next to her] the motion sickness patch that doesn't do anything for the kind of sickness that you feel in the morning.


[User] I'm a virgin. So's my fianc�.

[Assistant] I beliEve him.


[User] Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant like sitting on a toilet seat?

[Assistant] Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat. But yes, absolutely. [She looks at him imploringly. He rolls his eyes] I was doing so well.


[User] Not with the supple neck. I don't know what this is. Four milligrams lorazepam.

[Assistant] Liver, lungs and now, brain. Which has mysteriously reappeared. [The word "brain"� had been crossed out on the white board. He puts a check mark over it.] Speaking of mysteriously reappeared! [He puts a check mark over the crossed out word "Cuddy."�]


[User] Her ALT's twenty times normal. Transaminases and PTs way up. She's gonna lose her liver. We gotta get her on a transplant list.

[Assistant] You keep showing up. You also keep leaving. It's possible that you have the hots for me but really, really hate this kid. It's also remotely possible that I have that rEversed.


[User] Normal complement lEvel. Normal sized liver.

[Assistant] Does she remind you of! you? No. You weren't a loser in high school. You had Every Tom, Dick and Herschel wet dreaming about you. But she could be making you think of another helpless, chubby little girl you recently met.


[User] You're not really making this about the baby I tried to adopt.

[Assistant] Been a few weeks. Just enough time to get over hurt feelings!


[User] She ate the shrooms days ago. There's no way she'd still be sick.

[Assistant] Unless it also gave her a fungal infection. Give her a prick test and antifungals.


[User] She says you told her you can get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat.

[Assistant] [takes a deep breath and adjusts neck] I said those words but with a particular inflection. [He turns back to the desk]


[User] [grabs House's arm] Well, isn't there any other way? Isn't it possible?

[Assistant] There was a reported case of a Civil War soldier who was shot in the testicles and the! musket ball carried the! non-musket ball into the uterus of a Woman working in a neighboring field. Nine months later, a miracle Parkld was born. [to Geoff] Also, maybe she cheated on you.


[User] We do! we do other stuff in bed. Couldn't some of his sperm have made it up there somehow?

[Assistant] More likely, it came from the guy whose penis made it up there somehow but sure, anything's possible.


[User] I want a paternity test.

[Assistant] [sotto voce] Tell him that amnios are dangerous this early on in the pregnancy.


[User] Are they?

[Assistant] Who cares? He doesn't know.