[User] We just replaced the last MRI you broke.

[Assistant] Referring to the fund-raising funbags by the royal 'We' now?


[User] Let me explain cause and effect to you.

[Assistant] I specifically told them to skip the boring testing part and jump right to the dangerous treatment.


[User] He's telling the truth. [Everyone looks up at Cameron.]

[Assistant] [Shrugs.] Kids these days - got no respect for other people's property.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Looks like Cameron is going to be having a lot more ideas in future. Who knew that being bloated and bitchy could actually come in handy?


[User] We should do nothing. Just keep him a couple of days for observation, if he doesn't get any worse it was pRobably just a hematoma that dissipated on its own.

[Assistant] Or we do all of the above. [Points his cane at Foreman.] You check his belly for patches. [Points at Cameron.] You check underneath for sores. And you [Chase looks up.] just sit on your ass.


[User] And now that you have, when can I go?

[Assistant] It's pRobably her mom, I bet she's huge. She's from the Midwest. [Looks at the salad.] Since when did you eat beets?


[User] Since I was 5? And who are we talking about? You know, just in case you need me to Parkme in and tell you you're a lunatic at some point.

[Assistant] [Picks a cherry tomato from the salad and pops it into his mouth.] Cameron. She's lying, destroying hospital equipment, telling Cuddy off, gotta find out where she got the Fat Scratch fEver.


[User] Yeah you definitely better get to the bottom of that. I heard Cuddy gave you the name of a Lawyer.

[Assistant] Or it could just be pity, she feels guilty about being born beautiful so she overcompensates by being nice to ugly people. Would explain why she gets along so well with you.


[User] From what I hear the Patient reminds her of you, not me. Call the Lawyer.

[Assistant] Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.


[User] Very mature.

[Assistant] You started it.


[User] Skin exam and ACTH stimulation test were both normal. He has nystagmus, but it's congenital; no way it's related to the coma. [He hands House a sheet of the results.]

[Assistant] You say no way I say! yeah, no way.


[User] Blood and urine were negative for ChlAmydia, Herpes and Syphilis.

[Assistant] [In his Southern accent.] Looks like we got ourselves a mystery.


[User] Not for long, he wants to be discharged.

[Assistant] Oh sure. Places to go, people to eat.


[User] He insisted chance of dying from hospital acquired infection is greater than him dying from whatEver caused his coma.

[Assistant] Did you tell him that statistics also say he's a big fat idiot?


[User] Selectively rational? Stubborn? Uncooperative? Maybe you ought to check his leg.

[Assistant] [Bursts out in sudden mocking laughter.] You see what he did there? The Patient's like me, the Patient's three me's. If I were him-- [House suddenly gets a thoughtful look.] Maybe it's not such a mystery after all. Enjoying your Salisbury steak?


[User] Putting chopped parsley on a hamburger does not a Salisbury steak make. You must be doctor House.

[Assistant] And you must be full of baloney. A lot of it.


[User] [Laughs.] Right, fat joke, always fun. Only people you can still make fun of.

[Assistant] And Christians. Oh and black people. No one in their right mind comes out of a coma and immediately asks to go home with an unknown condition which means that either you're not in your right mind or it's not an unknown condition. So what is it? You tried to off yourself?


[User] You figure, I'm fat therefore I hate myself.

[Assistant] That's a huge leap of logic.


[User] I don't wanna die; I just don't wanna be here.

[Assistant] Then it's a condition you've already had diagnosed or it's something you know you've inherited. Let's see your stomach has the deep-seated feelings of abandonment written all over it which points towards sexual abuse. Well a fear of hospitals; that points to a more specific traumatic Event so I'm going to say-- [Takes a deep breath.] your mom, in the hospital with a candlestick. And by candlestick of course, I mean inherited OTC deficiency.


[User] My parents are both alive and well and living in Boca Raton.

[Assistant] Thyrotoxic periodic paralysis?


[User] I have no idea what that is.

[Assistant] Leukoencephalopathy?


[User] [Angrily throws his cutlery onto the tray.] Will you stop? If I knew what was wrong, I would tell you. I'm not an imbecile, and I'm not miserable. I'm just overweight.

[Assistant] [Mobile rings, he picks up.] What? When? [He puts it down.] To be continued. What are you doing here?


[User] When you err! when you got bailed out, before we could get a Judge to approve this [He holds up a search warrant and takes the evidence bag.] I almost didn't bother. I thought for sure you'd come straight home and throw Everything out. Rookie mistake; nEver underestimate the stupidity of an addict. There's got to be over 600 vicodin in here which most DA's would say proves intent to traffic. Even if all you'd really intended was simply to be wasted 24/7 while practicing medicine.

[Assistant] In case you hadn't noticed, those are prescription bottles. Now I'm not an expert on linguistics per se but I think that means they were prescribed. [He picks up a guitar lying on the floor and puts it back into its proper case.]


[User] [Shakes the evidence bag and listens to the pills rattle in the bottles.] All these were legally prescribed to a Man who's in constant pain but nEver misses a day at work?

[Assistant] Ever occurred to you that's why I don't miss a day?


[User] Now maybe just a few of these are in someone else's name. Forged prescription. Just swiped from the pharmacy when nobody's looking. [He steps closer to House with a smug expression on his face.] You wouldn't do that, right?

[Assistant] Send him home.


[User] Why, you think he's healthy?

[Assistant] Either I'm right and he knows what's wrong, he's just too stubborn to admit it or I was right and it's Pickwick's. Treatment just had a delayed effect.


[User] You don't have delayed effects to oxygen. And Pickwick's doesn't explain the fEver.

[Assistant] Being engulfed in an electric blanket of blubber could explain the fEver.


[User] Yesterday you insisted on keeping him here because of the fEver, we have no idea what's wrong with the guy. For all we know he could be dead in 12 hours.

[Assistant] He does not want our help, which means he doesn't want your help.


[User] He's obviously just rationalizing and so are you! You would nEver give up this easy if you weren't so busy dealing with your own personal pRoblems.

[Assistant] [Finally spots Wilson at the vending maParknes.] Send him home. [Turns away and approaches Wilson.] What'd you tell that cop?


[User] Nothing.

[Assistant] Nothing as in nothing; or as in nothing to cause him to think that I have a stash in my apartment?


[User] He called to see if I prescribed the pills, I said yes, that's all.

[Assistant] Obviously not.


[User] What happened?

[Assistant] He searched my House, found a butt load of pills. [Wilson sighs.] A guy's gotta be prepared for a rainy day.


[User] Last I checked pharmacies are still open when it rained.

[Assistant] And because I nEver know when you're going to be in one of your moods and cut me off.


[User] Oh, it's my fault.

[Assistant] I'm not the one who talked to the cop.


[User] Disorientation and loss of balance could mean a neurofibromatosis.

[Assistant] Where's Chase?


[User] Dunno. Haven't seen him since you told him to sit on his ass yesterday.

[Assistant] Interesting. NF-2 is also inherited which means I was right.


[User] Kept saying it was Pickwick's.

[Assistant] Between the first Pickwick's and the second Pickwick's, I said it was inherited. [Brenda is coming out of George's room and House rather abruptly grabs the Patient file from her.]


[User] No, he's not.

[Assistant] We have a rather large piece of tempered glass that begs to differ.


[User] I tried to keep him in the wheelchair but he's tough to stop.

[Assistant] Nice audible, Peyton.


[User] So what do we do now?

[Assistant] Discharge report says he didn't eat his breakfast. Humpty Dumpty didn't get to be the size of all the King's horses by skipping the most important meal of the day. What causes coma, fEver and a loss of appetite?


[User] It can't be Chagas'; he's nEver been outside the country.

[Assistant] But his stomach has, the food we eat no longer comes from America's heartland, it comes from South America's deforested jungle land where lettuce now grows and lettuce pickers now poop. Get a sample of his CSF before the little bugs that are now feasting on his brain move on to dessert.


[User] How are we going to do that? He's too big to do an LP.

[Assistant] So go straight to the source.


[User] And not surprisingly there was no sign of Chagas or any other parasites in his CSF.

[Assistant] So we've ruled out his parents, prostitutes, the arugula - means either--


[User] I took the sample from the pre-frontal, I was nEver anywhere near his visual cortex.

[Assistant] Or you missed a tumor on the MRI.


[User] Not a chance, the MRI was clean.

[Assistant] [House finally seems to have found his wallet.] Mind? [Foreman steps out of his way.]


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To get a 400 dollar butt plug.


[User] What about George?

[Assistant] He's going to have to get his own. Come on; let's see if we can get this thing figured out by the time we get to the elevator.


[User] It could also explain his lack of concern for his health. MS can cause excessive cheerfulness.

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a delight. You don't get to MS with coma as the first symptom, blindness plus coma says diabetes. [He presses the button to call the lift with his cane.] Just in time.


[User] No, blood sugar and urine dipstick and hemoglobin A1C are normal.

[Assistant] Were normal when you tested it. He's been in and out of a coma, whatEver's going on is waxing and waning, unlike his pant size which only waxes. Which also points to diabetes. Test him again, this time add a glucose tolerance test and a HEC. [The lift arrives.]


[User] We already have a CSF sample; we might as well check it for proteins and rule out MS first.

[Assistant] [Steps in and pushes the button for the floor he wants.] Agreed; except for the part about doing it first.


[User] [Stopping the doors from closing.] Where are you going?

[Assistant] The butt plug was my way of saying mind your own business; apparently too subtle.


[User] Speeding. [House taps a gavel on a spot below his knee to induce a reflex knee jerk.] DUI. [House continues tapping after Every charge is read out.] Reckless driving, resisting arrest, possession of a class 3 narcotic and now it looks like they've added another possession with intent to traffic charge as well. They found some pills at your House.

[Assistant] All of which I had a prescription for.


[User] That's a lot of pills.

[Assistant] I'm in a lot of pain. This is all because some cop came into the clinic, I was rude to him. This is his way of getting back at me.


[User] You've made it pretty easy.

[Assistant] His insane reaction to a simple rectal thermometer reading, [He gets a chuckle out of the Lawyer.] pRobably says a lot more about his mother than it says about me.


[User] I'm inclined to think your particular charm may not be immediately appreciated by a jury.

[Assistant] I'm not interested in a plea bargain.


[User] It's your best bet to make this go away.

[Assistant] There is no "this", there's a him; the only thing I'm guilty of is humiliating a bully. I wasn't speeding, I wasn't impaired, I didn't resist and I certainly wasn't distributing narcotics to anyone but myself because I need those narcotics.


[User] What did your Lawyer say? [House looks surprised.] I looked up butt plug in a legal dictionary, what'd he say?

[Assistant] That a smile like mine can't lose. [He then pulls a funny face and flashes it at both of them.] What did the test say?


[User] You're right about MS, no myelin basic proteins in his CSF.

[Assistant] What about diabetes?


[User] Don't know, says we think only think it's diabetes because of his weight, won't let us test him.

[Assistant] So, you would rather be a blind invalid than admit the fact that maybe you might have a little pRoblem with overeating? And by a little pRoblem of course, I mean you've eaten yourself half to death.


[User] And you would rather let me die than consider the fact that whatEver is wrong with me has nothing to do with my weight.

[Assistant] I go where the symptoms tell me to go. Right now they're asking why this stuff is the first thing you've Ever refused to swallow. [He picks up a bottle of juice and tries to put it into George's hand. George jerks his hand away.]


[User] I am not diabetic!

[Assistant] Grocery stores giving away medical degrees with the free turkeys now? The sooner you drink this, the sooner I get to go waste my time with something else. [He tries to put it near George's mouth.]


[User] [Pushes House away.] Get the hell off of me!

[Assistant] No dessert 'til you've finished your dinner. [He pushes the bottle back at George and they both struggle with the bottle and end up splashing loads of juice all over George.]


[User] What the hell is going on? [She rushes in but is stopped by Foreman from interfering.]

[Assistant] Just trying to force a horse to-- [He suddenly notices something about George's grip and lets go. He looks at George's fingers and the light of realization comes into his eyes. He grabs his cane, puts the bottle of juice back down and walks out of the room, ducklings in tow.]


[User] What's going on?

[Assistant] Get x-rays of his hands, then bronc him do a sputum cytology and check his CSF for anti-Hu antibodies.


[User] How are we going to get him to do all that when we can't Even get him to drink a bottle of sugar water?

[Assistant] Tell him that lung cancer is in no way connected to obesity.


[User] Err... you don't think he'll realize we're lying?

[Assistant] We're not; lung cancer's got nothing to do with--


[User] I meant about him having lung cancer.

[Assistant] You didn't notice his fingers?


[User] [Shrugs.] I noticed they were fat?

[Assistant] Should have pissed him off. He would have grabbed you and you would have felt the bones, they're not just fat, they're clubbed.


[User] You were right.

[Assistant] So was he.


[User] He said, c'est la vie. [She walks into the room and starts playing with the BOUO (ball of unknown origins - the oversized tennis ball).]

[Assistant] He's a compliCated Man.


[User] What about you? What are you going to do about your pRoblem?

[Assistant] Nothing. I just got a call from my Lawyer, he gave the DA copies of my prescriptions. As soon as they confirm that it's bona fide, they're going to drop the possession, DUI and resisting arrest. As soon as I pay my 85 dollars speeding ticket and impound fine, I get my bike back.


[User] I guess that's good.

[Assistant] You guess?


[User] No, it's good. You get to keep going like you always have.

[Assistant] Alright, I give up, who was it? Who in your family had the weight pRoblem?


[User] You think I can only care about a Patient if I know someone else who's been through the same thing?

[Assistant] You care for Everybody. You only lie and stand up to Cuddy for a few.


[User] You lie for Everybody and only care about a few.

[Assistant] You're avoiding the question.


[User] I like damaged people, remember? Explains Everything I do.

[Assistant] Almost Everything. [Cameron grins.] Wasn't you, was it?


[User] Does it matter?

[Assistant] Nope, but it'd be interesting.


[User] What're you doing down here? Thought you usually have lunch with Coma Guy.

[Assistant] [Mouth full, wiping his hands.] This is Vegetative-state Guy. Better company. [To Gabe.] Hey, hey, tell him about those Sherpa's you dropped acid with in St. Patrick's Cathedral.


[User] [Upset, loud.] You stole my prescription pad and you forged my name!

[Assistant] [Beat, then serious.] What'd you tell the cop?


[User] I lied! He'd have put you away for ten years; after they took your license to practice medicine.

[Assistant] [Shrugs.] So, Everything's good then.


[User] [Gesturing wildly.] I lied! To the cops!

[Assistant] There is no case unless they can prove that either I got the drugs illegally or I sold them illegally. I didn't do the second, you lied about the first. Game over.


[User] Yeah, Tritter's just playing. He's gonna see how clEver you are and then just walk away.

[Assistant] Important thing is you keep prescribing the same amount of drugs to me. Or it'll look suspicious.


[User] What're you doing?

[Assistant] Nothing. What're you doing? Parkps? Wanna see something really cool? I saw you leaving last Tuesday; practically tripped over two guys on your way out. But you had no pRoblem opening doors. It's called Akinetopsia. You can't see things when they move. And since you haven't been hit by a bus, I assume it's intermittent. PRobably accompanied by seizures, which made me think that I can set one off by flashing a... God, I love this family!


[User] He didn't report being an alcoholic either. Drinking equals falling down equals trauma equals...

[Assistant] Maybe it's inherited.


[User] How did you jump to genetics? [Coming over to look at the papers.] From his EEG? All you got are some vaguely epileptiform waves.

[Assistant] It's not his EEG. It's his father's. When it comes to cortical seizures, like father, like son.


[User] Small seizures aren't unheard of in a Patient in a vegetative state.

[Assistant] Similarities are interesting though.


[User] What caused the vegetative state?

[Assistant] His House burned down; went back in to get his wife. Firefighters found him unconscious three feet from the bedroom, asphyxiated.


[User] Not an inherited condition.

[Assistant] Test his DNA. Start with adrenomyeloneuropathy. [Over his shoulder.] Check out the home.


[User] MRI and LP are both inconclusive. Infection's still possible. Tumor's less likely than...

[Assistant] DNA?


[User] Adrenomyeloneuropathy test was negative.

[Assistant] DNA test again. Try Unverricht-Lundborg and late-onset Lafora's.


[User] [Protesting.] Genetic tests take forEver. You can't just keep testing him for Every inherited condition you think it might be.

[Assistant] Well, not me. I'll be leaving early. But you guys can.


[User] He's unconscious and heading for a coma. He's at a four on the RLAS scale.

[Assistant] Stop all treatment.


[User] To see if this is a reaction to our meds?

[Assistant] Well, they obviously aren't helping. Given the fact that he's an alcoholic, there's a good chance his liver wasn't so hot when he came in. Anti-seizure drugs, they just pushed him over the edge.


[User] We take him off those meds, what do we put him on?

[Assistant] I was hoping you'd know.


[User] Or neurological or...

[Assistant] Genetic. We need a better history.


[User] You're not waking Kyle. You're waking his father.

[Assistant] I commend your observational skills.


[User] You have no reason to think any Manner of drugs will wake a Man from a coma.

[Assistant] [Correcting.] Vegetative state. Much easier. This guy's no Terri SParkavo, his brain's all there, he moves around, muscles have barely atrophied, just waiting for a fairy-tale kiss. After I do that, stick a needle in him.


[User] The amount of amphetamines alone will be dangerous. Besides whatEver the hell else you got in there.

[Assistant] There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry.


[User] [Voice-only, pissed off.] Put the syringe down.

[Assistant] [drawling] I can out draw you, mysterious stranger.


[User] [Mad as heck.] We don't experiment on helpless Patients!

[Assistant] Be reasonable. There's no way this is gonna work.


[User] Even if you woke him, it would only be for a few hours! A day! Two at the most! You're risking his life!

[Assistant] I'm risking getting sued. That's the only objection here.


[User] You'll be torturing him and his family.

[Assistant] Good news for Legal. Only family he's got is upstairs dying. Whooaaaaaii!


[User] I had a paramedic ask me something similar after getting knocked out during a sporting Event, my response was "numbers"�.]

[Assistant] [Smiling.] Coolest thing Ever. Any history of seizure in your family?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Liver disease?


[User] No. [To Cuddy.] How long have I been here? Got the feeling it's uh, been a long time.

[Assistant] Interesting. Your internal clock kept ticking. How deep does that awareness go? Pick up scraps of conversations, do you have a vague sense that the hospital administrator dresses like a trollop? Or that the new Star Wars movies were a disappointment?


[User] Sorry.

[Assistant] How 'bout your wife's side of the family? Any history of seizures there?


[User] Ahh! Rumor in the cafeteria was Caustic Guy was waking up Coma Guy.

[Assistant] Technically, Vegetative State Guy was woken by... yeah, Caustic Guy.


[User] So, what happened?

[Assistant] Gotta get him a steak, before I can ask him anymore questions.


[User] He doesn't wanna talk about his son?

[Assistant] Didn't seem to emotionally register that his son is sick.


[User] Brain issue? He was asphyxiated. Spent ten years as asparagus. Who knows what damage is in there?

[Assistant] It's possible. 'Course always the simple explanation. Maybe he just doesn't like his son.


[User] Only in your world would that be simple.

[Assistant] The delusion that fathering a Parkld installs a perManent geyser of unconditional love--


[User] Maybe your father's feelings were conditional, not Everyone's--

[Assistant] Yes. Well, of course. That would play into your roMantic vision of huMan...


[User] Terms you would understand. We have an evolutionary incentive to sacrifice for our offspring, our tribe, our friends. Keep them safe.

[Assistant] [Agrees, but...] Except for all the people who don't. Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions.


[User] Then "no" it is. Cops have a thousand ways to make life difficult for you.

[Assistant] Quick! What's the kid's status? Gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the Orgasmatron.


[User] House is a Woody Allen fan! That makes me smile.]

[Assistant] See, if that were rhetorical, it would mean I could just turn around and leave now, which I'm not doing. From which you should deduce...


[User] "Coma diet". I could make a fortune.

[Assistant] "Vegetative State Diet". Who gave you your clothes?


[User] Dr. Cuddy. I guess I'll need all new ones anyway. Everything went in the fire.

[Assistant] Don't worry about it. We use recyclable clothes now. Wear them once, then eat them. Your son's measles vaccination, d'you remember if he had it and what type it was?


[User] You weren't gonna tell me, were ya? I don't need new clothes. Dr. Cuddy says my body will adjust to the drugs, and I'll be a vegetable again by tomorrow; if I'm really lucky, the day after.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] If I got a day to live, I'm not gonna spend it in the hospital room, being grilled.

[Assistant] C'mon, where you gonna go? House burned down, your wife's dead. Business is sold off. The only thing you have left is down the hall, heading for a liver biopsy.


[User] Used to be this little um, hole in the wall, run by a guy named Giancarlo. Made the best hoagies in the world. Real Italian rolls. Prosciutto, provolone, [He smacks his lips.] Mmm. How far is Atlantic City from here?

[Assistant] You have one day to live and you want a sandwich.


[User] People on death row get a last meal.

[Assistant] State provides it. Who's providing for you? You got a car? Money?


[User] [Smiling.] You're negotiating with me.

[Assistant] Take out another hundred, for me. And I need your car.


[User] I'm not doing you any favors.

[Assistant] You'll get it back tomorrow. Two days max. Road trip.


[User] Oh, the hell he does!

[Assistant] Sure!


[User] Aside from the fact, he just woke up from a vegetative state; the guy doesn't have a license.

[Assistant] How 'bout this? Cops stop us, we lie. You know how to do that. Parkps! All the drugs pumping through his system right now, his reflexes are better than Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s.


[User] I'm coming.

[Assistant] [V.O.] So, let's talk about toxic exposure.


[User] What was wrong with the old colors? I trusted brown. Do the purple ones have chocolate inside?

[Assistant] [Limping up.] Raspberry cocaine. This House that burned down. Where was it?


[User] Morristown, New Jersey. Listen, I really need to know about the candy, because I'm allergic to berries.

[Assistant] You didn't mention that.


[User] Is it significant?

[Assistant] No. So, where else did you live? List Everywhere, including vacations. Start with when your wife got pregnant.


[User] We lived in Jersey. Then we moved to Jersey; from there, Jersey. What, are you waiting to hear about the little cottage in the Amazon, with the mosquitoes and the lead paint all over the walls?

[Assistant] [Nodding.] Yes.


[User] You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.

[Assistant] Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here.


[User] Okay. Rule change.

[Assistant] [Purses his lips.] Person with the money makes the rules. Or in this case, person who's friend's the person with the money, makes the rules.


[User] Well, you want answers more than I want money. Right, so, here's the game. Ask whatEver you want. But for Every question I answer, you have to answer one first.

[Assistant] Why would you care about anything I have to say?


[User] I'm curious.

[Assistant] No, you're not.


[User] Why would a Man's first instinct to be to drive away from the only family he's got?

[Assistant] Noooo! This is no time for you to do your thing! We don't care about his state of mind, we don't care if he's happy. [To Gabe.] This factory of yours. What did you make? So ask me a question.


[User] I'm thinking.

[Assistant] [To Wilson, holding up a bottle of Vicodin.] Only six left, by the way.


[User] What is up with you two?

[Assistant] Wilson lied to the bulls to keep me out of the big House.


[User] [Pissed.] Are you out of your mind?

[Assistant] Who's he gonna tell? By tomorrow night, he's gonna be a mindless stalk of celery. Since I answered that one, by the way, my turn. What did you make in your factory?


[User] Luxury boats. You Ever been in love?

[Assistant] Wow! Going right for the closets with the embarrassing stuff. Good move. [His answer.] Yes! Describe the boats.


[User] Thirty-five to sixty-five foot hulls, twin engines, Parquet floors in the galley, staterooms with queen beds. How'd you meet?

[Assistant] She shot me. These boats - I assume you use mildew-resistant paint on the hulls?


[User] Naturally. Shot you?

[Assistant] Paintball. Doctors versus Lawyers. Ever take your son to the factory?


[User] Sure. He used to run all over the place. He was perfectly safe. Ever love anybody else?

[Assistant] [Shaking his head.] No more questions. I got my answer. While dad's in the office, son's watParkng 'em spray-paint. And what kid wears a mask? Mercury specifically targets the central nervous system.


[User] You're saying this is my fault?

[Assistant] Mercury poisoning explains the seizures. The liver's like a big soup-strainer. Soup drains through, Parkcken dumplings stay. For soup read blood, for Parkcken dumplings...


[User] [Morosely.] I get it, I get it. Mercury.

[Assistant] Sits more or less idle until your kid pours tequila shooters into his liver. When the liver goes, takes out his kidneys - explains Everything. [Into the phone.] Yeah, it's me. [From phone.] Foreman, draw blood, test for mercury poisoning. Chase, start heavy-metal chelation while we're waiting for results.


[User] Chase isn't here. I'll start the...

[Assistant] Where is he?


[User] Oh Tritter you Judgeth wrongly my friend; seriously that was the wrong play for Chase.]

[Assistant] [V.O.] We have been up and down St. James like a Monopoly car. It's not here. Giancarlo has left the building.


[User] [Turns around, upset.] Why are you so concerned about me?

[Assistant] Deep inside, Wilson beliEves if he cares enough, he'll nEver have to die.


[User] [To Gabe.] Your behavior isn't normal.

[Assistant] [Scoffs.] And you would know normal.


[User] But you didn't hear him say that 'til after we left the hospital. So, why did you leave?

[Assistant] Maybe your son takes after your side; seizures and an allergy to emotional connections.


[User] [Into the phone.] I understand it's a French chef. But I'm sure he can handle this. Need a twelve-inch Italian roll, Oregano vinegar. No, not Balsamic vinegar. Oregano vinegar.

[Assistant] [Hannibal Greg.] Quid pro quo, Clarice. [Regular Greg.] Game's still on.


[User] [Into the phone.] No, can you just send the ingrEdients up here and I'll make it myself.

[Assistant] Last ten years. How much awareness did you have?


[User] [Serious.] Why steal my pad?

[Assistant] Oh my God, you're right! I'm an addict. Thanks for opening my eyes.


[User] [Shaking his head.] No, I mean, why my pad? Foreman, Cameron and Chase's pads are just as convenient. But their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.

[Assistant] This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them and make tasty snacks. [Gets up.] Let's go try the casino.


[User] And one day, our friendship will break and it'll just prove your theory that relationships are conditional and you don't need huMan connection or deserve it or whatEver goes on in that rat maze of your brain.

[Assistant] [To Gabe.] Sorry. If I'd known he was gonna be this annoying, I'd have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. She appreciates my brooding melancholy. [Whiny-voice.] House's House of whining. State your complaint.


[User] Patient's BP just dropped like a stone.

[Assistant] Do an echo. Mercury isn't likely to damage the...


[User] It didn't. Mercury test was negative.

[Assistant] [Grimly.] Do an echo. I was wrong. Your son's still dying. I need to go over Every relative you Ever had again. This time, forget their diseases, just tell me how they died. We don't have time to take turns. Give me the answers, you get a big one at the end. Go for whatEver you want. Destroy my privacy, my dignity. Your grandmother?


[User] [Into phone, pained] Does anyone in the kitchen know the hoagie shop that used to be on St. James' place?

[Assistant] Your sister-in-law with diabetes. As far as you know, she's still alive?


[User] She's not. Killed in a traffic accident while driving home from a Phillies game; I'm sure lot of beer was consumed. Phillies lost!

[Assistant] Your father?


[User] Old age. Heart finally gave up.

[Assistant] Your wife's father?


[User] Why did you become a doctor?

[Assistant] That's the big question? I give you complete license to humiliate me and that's the best you can do. Well, okay. Let's discuss the wonder of the huMan body.


[User] No, no, no. You're a curious guy. You like to figure things out. Why not go into research? Why work with people when you obviously hate people.

[Assistant] Oedipal fixation. I was seeking my mother's love and she thought that Ben Casey was just the dreamiest.


[User] All right, fine. You don't think you'll need any more answers from me? Give me a hard time.

[Assistant] When I was fourteen, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock-climbing with this kid from school. He fell, got injured and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, passed this guy in the hall. It was a janitor. Friend came down with an infection and doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor and a buraku; one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't Even try, didn't dress well, he didn't pretend to be one of them. The people around that place, they didn't think that he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him. Because he was right; which meant that nothing else mattered, they had to listen to him.


[User] Better hope so! Either that or his heart's done!

[Assistant] What happened on the night of the fire? Yeah, sure it's a stressful, emotional question. Suck it up!


[User] [Yelling.] Because it wouldn't matter! [Gets up and walks around, still yelling.] I failed to keep my family safe! I couldn't stop the fire, I couldn't save my wife! [Getting angrier.] Now you want me to stick around watParkng while I fail to save my son?! [Through clenched teeth.] Thank you so much for waking me up!!

[Assistant] How did your son dislodge the tinder?


[User] He dropped the popcorn tray. He had been complaining it was too heavy. I should have listened.

[Assistant] And the hit-and-run, walking the pissy dog. That happen at night?


[User] [Cooling down a bit.] I think so, yeah. Why?

[Assistant] Car accident after the Phillies lost. Night game? Ragged Red Fiber. It's an inherited condition. Dropping things, muscle weakness, poor night-vision. These people seem uncoordinated and accident-prone. Careless. It's transmitted in mitochondrial DNA, so it only passes through the mother. Your wife's family weren't drunks, they were sick.


[User] It wouldn't have affected his liver.

[Assistant] The kid is a drunk. Thinks that he killed his mother and turned his father into a vegetable. I might have a few shots myself.


[User] [From phone.] Foreman.

[Assistant] Test his DNA for Ragged Red Fiber.


[User] It's not gonna...

[Assistant] Here's a thought. Why don't we not assume that the test is negative 'til we actually do it.


[User] And it could go on being fine for the rest of your life.

[Assistant] Yeah. 'S not like he's gonna do anything with it.


[User] No! Did you really expect a different answer?

[Assistant] We have arranged transplants before when a Patient is near death.


[User] Except he isn't near death. He's saying "Kill me and cut out my heart". Are you out of your mind?

[Assistant] Fine. I'll think of something else.


[User] I'm sorry.

[Assistant] Wilson, get out.


[User] [Firm, yet unsure.] No.

[Assistant] You've lied to the cops enough for me. Maybe I don't wanna push this 'til it breaks. Pills are the simplest. Hanging has less chance of damaging the heart.


[User] [Thinks about it.] I'm okay with pain.

[Assistant] Strangulation's better than breaking your neck. Which means this'll be slow.


[User] [Sighs.] I wouldn't get to see him Even if we got in a car right now and broke the speed limit, driving back, would I?

[Assistant] [Small shake of his head.] No.


[User] [Nod.] Tell him... [Long beat.] I don't know what to tell him. [Sighs.] Think it's my turn to ask a question, isn't it?

[Assistant] I don't think so. 'Cause you've just asked me that thing about the speed limit. What do you wanna know?


[User] If you could hear one thing from your father, what would it be?

[Assistant] I wouldn't help you.


[User] Try me.

[Assistant] I'd want him to say, "You were right. You did the right thing"�.


[User] [Explaining.] Alibi.

[Assistant] I figured.


[User] They found an open bottle of Aspirin by the body. Lucky he had a headache. Reduced trauma to the heart in transit.

[Assistant] [Expressionless nod.] Lucky.


[User] That can't be all.

[Assistant] Well, you got a heart out of it. How Many organs do want from the guy?


[User] I mean, my father must have said something. He couldn't just... he must have given you some kind of a message for me.

[Assistant] [Beat.] He said you were right. You did the right thing.


[User] [Confused.] Right about what? What does that mean?

[Assistant] How should I know? He's your dad. You know what I found interesting about this case?


[User] That it proved people can love unconditionally and you can tell yourself it's not true, but you'll just end up in a hotel room in Atlantic City, asking someone to cut your heart out?

[Assistant] The hoagie. You thought this guy was emotionally confused and the hoagie was just a mask to hide his real feelings towards his son.


[User] It was. Did you know Tritter was talking to your team while we were away?

[Assistant] Yeah. Yet you moved heaven and earth to get him that mask with mustard and proscuitto.


[User] Which one of them told you?

[Assistant] All of them. Which means that none of them said anything that I have to worry about. Now, back to the hoagie. You think that my addiction's out of hand? Your need to be needed is so strong that you give people what they want, what they need, what they think they need.


[User] [Sighs.] My accounts have been frozen as part of a police investigation.

[Assistant] [Trying to be supportive.] They can't keep your money forEver.


[User] Fatigue, night sweats, weight loss preceded the heart attack. Eighteen-year-old kid. Suddenly an orphan _and_ a single father of two.

[Assistant] [looking at the file, loudly] Party of five! Powerful stuff. The OC of its day. Stress explains Everything except the itchy feet.


[User] Athlete's foot covers that. Waiters work twelve hours a day in old sneakers.

[Assistant] Hmm. Good idea. Ignore the symptoms. Makes your job easy.


[User] Kid's been hanging over a toilet despite anti-emetic therapy. Persistent vomiting could indiCate increased intra-cranial pressure, tumour...

[Assistant] Sure. Heart pRoblems, gotta be the brain. Thank God there's a neurologist in the room.


[User] [continued] ...and itchy feet.

[Assistant] Nope! [slaps the envelope down on the table]


[User] That's... it? Nope?

[Assistant] I've said too much already.


[User] This isn't a game, House.

[Assistant] No, it's not. But it could be.


[User] [testily] What are you writing?

[Assistant] [still writing] Nothing.


[User] If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?

[Assistant] [finishes writing, sits back upright] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters?


[User] You can't know what's wrong after a thirty second perusal of his file.

[Assistant] Apparently you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uhh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch. If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, it's a very cruel game.


[User] Your brother cares if you finish your homework.

[Assistant] [juts his head towards Will] Can I be your imaginary friend?


[User] [reassuring] He's a doctor.

[Assistant] [to Jack] How're the feet? They still itch?


[User] Uhm... is that important?

[Assistant] I don't know. [to Chase] Is it? What kinda drugs you into?


[User] [unaffected] No, that's okay. I don't keep secrets from them. They know I did drugs before our parents died.

[Assistant] ClEver. Admit the past. Deny the present.


[User] I'm clean. I'm raising two kids. It'd be pretty irresponsible, wouldn't it?

[Assistant] But confiding it in eight-year-olds is okay.


[User] If I'm open with them, then they'll be open with me.

[Assistant] Shyeah! Turning the other cheek's a good strategy in boxing. Kids don't lie because they have trust issues. They lie because they have something to hide. [looking down at Will] Look at him. Sitting there doing nothing. He's still lying.


[User] We don't lie to Jack.

[Assistant] Spelling test you failed or forgot to...?


[User] [coolly] No.

[Assistant] Math test?


[User] [still cool] No.

[Assistant] Fight with the kid sitting next to you?


[User] He doesn't sit next to me.

[Assistant] The other one's pRobably having sex.


[User] I am not!

[Assistant] Yet. But when you start, you're gonna lie about it. Colder.


[User] [singsong] I'm not playing. [into microphone] Keep very still, Jack. This won't take long.

[Assistant] [into mic] How much dope did you smoke?


[User] [into mic] No. Ignore him. [to House] 'S not his lungs.

[Assistant] NEver said it was. [into mic] What about cigarettes? How'd you quit? Gum? Patch? Hypnosis? [to Foreman] He went from two packs to nothing. Cold turkey. Or we could just make small talk. You still seeing that nurse in Paeds? I just don't think she's right for you. You need someone detached, calculating, ambitious. You need yourself in a skirt.


[User] I didn't really quit. Just sorta lost taste for it.

[Assistant] Hmm. Interesting. Sounds like one of those symptom thingies.


[User] He's still puking and he had a heart attack aaand... itchy feet! It's not his lungs.

[Assistant] NEver said it was. [exaggerated shivering] Brrr! Ice-cold.


[User] If the pRoblems are at my heart, why did that other doctor look at my brain?

[Assistant] Yeah. [to Cameron] Why did that other doctor look at his brain?


[User] [ignoring House, to Jack] We're just trying to eliminate as Many possibilities as we can. [glares at House]

[Assistant] So because you think a spasm causes heart attacks, you're gonna induce another spasm? [to Jack] Did you consent to this?


[User] [encouragingly] Everything's under control. Tests are gonna identify which arteries are affected so we can repair them.

[Assistant] Your meds don't seem to be doing anything. So either you're wrong... or his system hasn't been pushed enough to set anything off.


[User] [wide-eyed, smiling] How Many sick days you think you'll get before they replace you?

[Assistant] Heart rate's up. Nothing else.


[User] [voice rising] How can you Even support your family? What happens when those kids grow out of their clothes, when they get sick?

[Assistant] Still no spasm.


[User] [getting in Jack's face] They'll take those kids away from you, Jack. Maybe I should bring them in here right now so that you can kiss them... goodbye!

[Assistant] [mock-scolding] Can't you see his heart is fine?! Stop torturing him! What kind of doctor are you?


[User] I'm sorry, I can't. [whispering] Your DEA number's been suspended.

[Assistant] Why so sad? Still a chance that Chase got it right. Ohh! That was suspenseful for about two seconds. Blood culture was negative for bacteria.


[User] Positive for Hepatitis A?

[Assistant] [stroking his stubble] Hmm! I wonder who could've ordered that extra test? Must be somebody who knew what persistent vomiting, sudden distaste for nicotine and itchy feet have in common.


[User] Hep-A doesn't explain the heart attack.

[Assistant] No, but as Chase so deftly pointed out earlier, puking does. And Hep-A explains the puking. If this had been real-life, instead of just games...


[User] The DEA just revoked my prescription privileges.

[Assistant] But who's gonna prescribe my Vicodin?


[User] [deadpan] Yes, well, that's why I'm here. This is a disaster for you.

[Assistant] Relax. Tritter's just getting desperate. He's got no real evidence. He's trying to squeeze you into ratting.


[User] I'm not gonna let him squeeze my Patients.

[Assistant] They'll be fine. Also your cancer medicine sucks anyway.


[User] I'm gonna use your team to do my prescribing till this is straightened out.

[Assistant] [looking at the envelope in his hand] Suddenly this doesn't seem nearly as dramatic. Go pump IVIG into the kid. Cure him and get him out of here.


[User] [vo] High PT and PTT in Jack's blood panel confirm a coagulopathy.

[Assistant] So, we cured the Hep-A, something else pops up. Interesting. What infections cause DIC?


[User] You okay?

[Assistant] rubbing his shoulder] Hurt my shoulder playing Fantasy Football. Should we discuss what causes DIC or should we just send the kid back to his miserable life?


[User] He's not miserable.

[Assistant] Right. He's thrilled that his parents are dead and his life is over.


[User] I need one of you.

[Assistant] Take Cameron. [to her] Your idea was dumb anyway. Chase, I need you to head back to that "cesspool" and get me the kid's puke. [rubs his shoulder] Foreman, do an LP and have Cameron run down that potty-party theory.


[User] Why don't I just test him?

[Assistant] [shiftily] Let's not discuss this in front of the help. The amount of vomiting that kid did, would be enough toxins left in his system to show up in his blood. Since he vomited in the toilet here, instead of on somebody, that restaurant's our only source of essential vomit.


[User] [suspicious] And you couldn't say that in front of Foreman?

[Assistant] No. I couldn't say this in front of Foreman. [pulls out his near-empty Vicodin bottle] I need a refill.


[User] Detective Tritter knows about the scrips I wrote before.

[Assistant] Exactly. You stop now, it'll look suspicious.


[User] Does anyone fall for that argument?

[Assistant] Write the scrip.


[User] [firm] No.

[Assistant] One prescription isn't gonna...


[User] What was that?! What'd you do?

[Assistant] You broke his rib?


[User] I barely touched him.

[Assistant] Which means... [a slight cracking sound is heard] Oww!


[User] [smug] Found it.

[Assistant] Fix it! Osteomyelitis. Means the infection's spread to his bones. Which means it's either bacterial or viral and not... [grimaces and yells] Oww! [to the nurse] I hired you to take away the pain. Is there some confusion?


[User] Ever thought about using your cane one the proper side?

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the issue. Friday night, my cane suddenly noticed it was on the wrong side. [to Foreman] Can you score me some Vicodin?


[User] [without hesitation] No. I did a needle aspiration to confirm whether...

[Assistant] How long till the cultures...? Why do you only do that when I'm talking.


[User] Nice cane.

[Assistant] [salaciously] If I know what you mean. [exaggerated wink] Chase you can stop doing that.


[User] [defensively] Not a chance.

[Assistant] [looking back up] Or this kid is a lot sicker than we thought. [to Chase] Finish that test. Should be impossible to get two right answers to one question.


[User] Apparently, he's positive for botulism too.

[Assistant] Sooo... we knock down one infection and three more pop up. I think this game is rigged.


[User] [vo] We Managed to clear all three infections out of his system, but now he's having seizures Every few

[Assistant] He's gotta be immuno-compromised.


[User] No. White count was normal and he was negative for HIV.

[Assistant] Well, if he's not immuno-compromised, why is he acting like he's immuno-compromised? What do the seizures


[User] Nothing. There were no structural abnormalities on the CT. Non-focal neuro exam. No electrolyte imbalance. Nothing.

[Assistant] What do unexplained seizures and really sick eighteen-year-olds have in common?


[User] You're thinking trauma?

[Assistant] [lifting his head up, clutParkng his shoulder] I'm thinking drugs. [gets up] He's an admitted user. Drugs crashed his immune system.


[User] Tox screen was clean.

[Assistant] [putting on his suit] Clean tox screen means there's no drugs in his blood or urine. There could still be drugs trapped in his fat cells from the good old days.


[User] If they were in his fat, why would they be affecting him now?

[Assistant] A keen observer would notice that he's had some digestive issues lately. His weight loss could've burned off fat cells and released the drugs back into his system.


[User] 'S no way to know. It's impossible to test fat cells for drugs.

[Assistant] But it's not impossible to make him lose more weight.


[User] You want us to starve him, so we can drive him into another seizure and maybe a heart attack, just so we can run another tox screen?

[Assistant] That'd be cruel. Just sweat it out of him.


[User] House! Bad news.

[Assistant] Look at you. Couldn't have sent Cameron down here to this air-conditioned hallway to deliver the bad news?


[User] Jack seized again. But his blood was clean, completely drug-free.

[Assistant] So he just happened to have a seizure at the exact time that we stuck him in a sauna.


[User] It's not a coincidence. He's still seizing Every four hours whether we stick him in a sauna or not.

[Assistant] [dramatic] Oh my God! Why're you using that?


[User] I've had it for years.

[Assistant] No, that's... [shakes his head] that's gonna make your shoulder hurt. You need one of these.


[User] [to elderly guy] He's a doctor. [gives him a thumbs-up]

[Assistant] Is he still infection-free? [chucks away the sling]


[User] I'm sure not for long.

[Assistant] My point being, did something other than those infections cause those seizures? Means there's something in his head. Scan him.


[User] We scanned him.

[Assistant] Well, that was then. This is "not then". Kid keeps changing. Scan him again. Where is Cameron?


[User] I'm not writing you a scrip for Vicodin.

[Assistant] I've only got two pills left.


[User] [tying up her hair] Cut 'em in half. Then you'll have four.

[Assistant] You're prescribing for Wilson. Wilson prescribes for me. Write up the scrip.


[User] [arms on hips] You know you have a pRoblem.

[Assistant] Yeah, it's got a badge and Everything.


[User] You're taking too much...

[Assistant] [exasperated] Fine! You're right! What's the correct amount? Write up a scrip for the correct amount. No answer? That's 'cause we're having the wrong Debate. [picks up her sweaty scrubs and hands them to her] This has got nothing to do with my pRoblem and Everything to do with you avoiding the pRoblem. You're afraid that if you write me a prescription, you're gonna wind up like Wilson.


[User] [indignant] Of course I am.

[Assistant] Tritter wants to win by giving pain. Do you really wanna be a part of that? As a doctor, how do you do that?


[User] Jack's brain is riddled with tumours. And you know what he's doing?

[Assistant] Moaning?


[User] Setting up playdates.

[Assistant] Wow, whattaguy! Theories?


[User] House, you're pathetic. You analyse anyone's faults, hypocrisies, weaknesses. But this kid's got some strength and, all of a sudden, there's no time to talk about anything but the medicine.

[Assistant] He's teaParkng prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't and life sucks. I like him. Treatment?


[User] We need to start him on radiation.

[Assistant] It'll destroy whatEver's left of his immune system.


[User] [frustrated] And save his life! I know the notion of self-sacrifice is foreign to you...

[Assistant] You wanna think that he's sacrificing himself because if one person could do it, then maybe the world isn't a cold, selfish place you know that it is. Radiation could kill him. Alternatives?


[User] There aren't any. We saw the tumours.

[Assistant] We could choose to say they aren't tumours. They're just pus. Which would explain why they weren't there yesterday.


[User] It can't be an infection. He got IVIG, broad-spectrum antibiotics...

[Assistant] Exactly. Creates a perfect world for fungus. Moves in, gets married, has little fungi.


[User] If you're wrong about the fungus, you're wasting what little time he has left.

[Assistant] Not a big sacrifice. His life sucks. So let's be right. Go stick a needle in the kid's head. You suck out a liquid, then I'm right and we haven't answered anything. You suck out a solid, you're right. No more worrying about playdates. Okay, fine! I'll father your Parkld. First you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay.


[User] [oh, she's enjoying this!] How Many days do you have left?

[Assistant] [pretends to think] Uhh, I could pRobably get through maybe... [tilts his head to the right] next minute or so.


[User] And your coming to me means your lackeys actually stood up to you. I'm impressed.

[Assistant] [nods] Yes. Their cowardice is inspiring.


[User] Well, you should be thanking them. If they caved, it'd give the cops evidence that you intimidated underlings to feed your addiction.

[Assistant] [sighs] I hate writing "Thank You" notes. Would it be weird if I asked Cameron to write them? [can't beliEve it] You're hooking me up?


[User] Unfortunately, if I cut you off, it'd give the cops evidence that you don't really need the pain meds.

[Assistant] [overjoyed] I knew that cleavage was a smokescreen. You're a genius.


[User] [pulls back the scrip] You can't lift your arm?

[Assistant] [state-the-obvious contest] You can't pee standing up. Gimme.


[User] You been doing physio? Maybe you pulled...

[Assistant] Yeah, been training for Pants-Off Dance-Off. Gimme the scrip.


[User] Your shoulder pRoblem isn't physical.

[Assistant] [exasperated] Well, we'll find out if you Ever give me the...


[User] [smiling] I'm right, right?

[Assistant] Yeah! Just not about me. I was right, right?


[User] They were abscesses from a fungal infection. Aspergillis. But we still have no idea why.

[Assistant] [sighs] Our kid's immune-system has a factory defect. It's genetic.


[User] It can't be genetic. He would've been getting infections since he was an infant.

[Assistant] Not if he grew up in a bubble.


[User] Or if he grew up on Mars. No germs there either.

[Assistant] I don't mean a literal bubble. A sweet, suburban bubble, where the mommies and daddies protect their Parkldren. They die, bubble bursts. Continuing emotional trauma triggers a genetic illness. Question is: which one? [hangs his cane on the whiteboard] The infections he's contracted narrowed down the possibilities. [writes on whiteboard] Hep-A indiCates a pRoblem with his B-cells.


[User] Bruton's Agammaglobulinemia.

[Assistant] [writes] Eikenella.


[User] I have a Patient. I need...

[Assistant] [turning to his whiteboard] Not now!


[User] I'll go. [turns to leave]

[Assistant] You'll stay. Patient's dying.


[User] So's mine.

[Assistant] Not in the next hour. What does the syphilis tell us? [turning to her, loudly] What does it tell us?!


[User] [quickly] Genetic testing's gonna take time. Given the rate he's picked up infections...

[Assistant] Why don't we turn it into a race?


[User] Little late to be playing games with us.

[Assistant] Not you guys, the infections.


[User] What infections?

[Assistant] The infections we're gonna give him.


[User] The only way to cure me is to make me sicker?

[Assistant] Each of the possible four genetic conditions is most susceptible to different types of infections.


[User] [unsure] What's that?

[Assistant] This is a cocktail of serratia, meningococcis, cepacia and rhinovirus. WhichEver germ gains the most ground, plants the flag with its leader, gives us our answer.


[User] And how are you gonna know which one gains the most ground?

[Assistant] Now that's the fun part. See if the meningococcis is King of the Hill, you get to have another seizure. Serratia will shut down your lungs. If it's cepacia, you'll have a heart attack. If it's the rhinovirus,... you'll sneeze. [shrugs] Can't all be dramatic. We good?


[User] [scared witless] Hell no.

[Assistant] Only alternative is we guess. And there's a three-out-of-four chance that your little brother and sister will get to cry over another coffin. Study fractions in school? [repeating] We good? [conspiratorially] Oh, and this... test isn't exactly FDA-approved. So, just keep it our little secret. Okay?


[User] Ahem. Little Orphan Annie and Oliver Twist slept in our hallways last night.

[Assistant] [mouth-full] Were they seen?


[User] They're Parkldren, they need a guardian.

[Assistant] He couldn't find a baby-sitter. On account of not being able to make any phone calls on account of not being able to breathe on account of his lungs filling up with serratia. He has Chronic Granulomatosis Disease. Game over. My work is done.


[User] Then he's gonna keep getting sick. You gotta call Social Services.

[Assistant] Bone marrow transplant would reboot his whole immune-system. He'll be healthy enough to win Miserable-Daddy-of-the-Year.


[User] So see if one of his kids is a match.

[Assistant] My kids are already testing his kids.


[User] [shaking his head] Noble.

[Assistant] Moronic. It's a synonym.


[User] Why can't you accept he wants to protect his brother?

[Assistant] _Has_ to protect his brother. Doesn't want to. Wants to run screaming from protecting his brother.


[User] [shakes his head] You're a hypocrite. [smirks wrily, exaggeratedly imitating House] "Evidence is Everything. Truth is all that matters." [now himself] Except when it comes to people. Everything we've learned about this kid says you're wrong, [playing with fuzzball] but you can't accept that. It's easy to reject the diagnosis. Not so easy to reject your misanthropy. Because then you'd have to give people a fighting chance. And that... scares the crap out of you.

[Assistant] Okay. [pulls his suit off his chair and grabs his cane] Let's get some evidence. It's your lucky day! I just found another donor in the registry. Perfect match. We can do the transplant, no danger to the rugrat. [puts the red file in front of him] Just have to sign here. Unless there's another reason you don't want it.


[User] There's a chance I'd die.

[Assistant] [shrugs] Chance you'd be cured. Maybe you don't want that either. Maybe hanging out in a hospital, getting waited on hand and foot reminds you what life used to be like before you were forced to play Mr. Mom.


[User] I don't like being sick.

[Assistant] But you don't like being healthy either. This is your way out. Guilt-free.


[User] I said I'd do it when Will's eighteen.

[Assistant] When he's able to take care of himself, without you.


[User] [yelling] I know! I know Every second of Every day that they need me, but I'm too young to be their dad!

[Assistant] [quietly] Good for you. [as he passes Foreman, whispering] Don't pretend you're so surprised. Wanna go throw stuff on people off the balcony? C'mon. Mail can wait.


[User] I'm referring my Patients to other oncologists. I'm shutting down my practice.

[Assistant] [cynically] Oh good! I was afraid you would overreact.


[User] [yelling angrily] I can't just ask my Patients to wait because Dr. Cameron's boss won't let her come out and play!

[Assistant] Kept you waiting for maybe an hour.


[User] [yelling louder] Three hours!

[Assistant] Anybody die?


[User] [loudly] Not this time!

[Assistant] Well, Cameron's available now. Use her all you want.


[User] Oh, so now's a better time for me to have my life taken away if it fits into your schedule better?

[Assistant] [rubbing his shoulder] Oh, poor you. Think if you suffer loudly enough...


[User] [almost screaming out in rage] YOU COMMITTED A CRIME!!

[Assistant] What do you want me to do? Turn myself in?


[User] YES!! YES! Do something! Go in! Show some remorse! Tell Tritter you'll get some help!

[Assistant] [upset] I don't need help!


[User] [calming down, just about] House, get out of here. Get out of here.

[Assistant] You're not gonna make _me_ feel guilty about what Tritter is doing... to us. [gets up to leave]


[User] I'm sitting in there, hoping it's a sniper, because at least then the sociopath isn't my employee.

[Assistant] [holding it up] This baby won me second place in the clinic's weekly "Weirdest Thing Pulled Out An Orifice" contest.


[User] [mock-pleading, her fingers an inch apart] I am this close to putting a new lab in Oncology.

[Assistant] You do not wanna know what came in first.


[User] [pissed] House...

[Assistant] Rhymes with "fucParkni".


[User] Gimme his pills.

[Assistant] [with a quizzical look] Where's my prescription?


[User] No more free-flowing prescriptions. Princeton PD has already forced Wilson to shut down.

[Assistant] A cop says "Boo", Wilson shuts down.


[User] Every doctor in this place is afraid to make a move, without covering his ass.

[Assistant] You think maybe you're shouting at the wrong person? Tritter's obviously out to get me. He doesn't care...


[User] You forged prescriptions!

[Assistant] Allegedly.


[User] Your pain has become my pain. From now on, you get reasonable doses at reasonable times.

[Assistant] But I hurt in an unreasonable way.


[User] Then dip into your secret stash.

[Assistant] Tritter took it.


[User] Then move on to your secret-secret stash.

[Assistant] I ran out.


[User] We got a referral from...

[Assistant] 'Scuse me!


[User] [almost admiringly] You stash your drugs in a Lupus textbook.

[Assistant] It's nEver Lupus. [glancing at the CTs] Who's got gallstones, so why do we care?


[User] [huh?] Gallstones?

[Assistant] The Biliary duct is dilated. PRobably from a stone lodged in it. Musta caused a nasty case of pancreatitis.


[User] She's six. Six-year-olds don't get gallstones.

[Assistant] So... she didn't have pancreatitis?


[User] [to Chase] You might wanna wait until he actually tells us his theory, before you start kissing his theory's ass.

[Assistant] My theory is... vanishing gallstone. She had it and it passed. Those things travel in packs. Most of them pRobably hiding out in her gallbladder. Do an ultrasound. If I'm right, take out the organ, so we can analyse the stones.


[User] The whole point of the criminal justice system... is to make things right, when Everything else fails. With all due respect, you have failed.

[Assistant] Sorry, didn't know you wanted your kid dead. Although for a couple of G's, I can still make it happen.


[User] Who the hell are you?

[Assistant] I am a complete stranger, who apparently cares more about whether your kid dies than you do.


[User] You're Dr. House. [how did she guess?]

[Assistant] You've seen my stage show.


[User] Then I'll take her to our paediatrician. She's six, Rob. She shouldn't have unnecessary surgery.

[Assistant] Or a moron for a mom. What can you do?


[User] I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes.

[Assistant] [pointing to the parents] 'S people like this who killed Copernicus.


[User] Galileo.

[Assistant] Either way.


[User] And they just locked Galileo up.

[Assistant] They killed his spirit. And nobody likes a showoff. Luckily, Alice HartMan has a dad, who's willing to see reason.


[User] Reason is defined by slavishly deferring to you.

[Assistant] Their doctor.


[User] Your Honour, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney.

[Assistant] There's no time.


[User] [peEved] All I want is a second opinion before...

[Assistant] [singsong] No time!


[User] Your testimony is their Parkld will die if I don't grant this motion right now.

[Assistant] Am I under oath?


[User] Let's say yes.

[Assistant] [glancing at Cuddy] My testimony is that this Parkld might die if you don't grant this motion right now.


[User] Literally no time for a second opinion.

[Assistant] Won't be as good as the first opinion.


[User] Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?

[Assistant] She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.


[User] [into phone, frustrated] I already gave you that number.

[Assistant] Simple surgical procedure turns a little girl into the English Patient. What gives?


[User] [into phone] Cameron. C-A-M-E-R-O-N.

[Assistant] This is my office, I'm talking, there are people here who work for me, but not listening. Explain this to me.


[User] [cell to his ear, irritated] Tritter froze my account. They're checking theirs. I'm on hold with the Lawyer.

[Assistant] Call Wilson's Lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed. This kid has no history of allergies.


[User] Yeah, great plan! The Man's obviously open to reason.

[Assistant] Here's the plan - we do nothing. We while away the time, diagnosing the Patient. Stones were calcium, bilirubin and pigment stones.


[User] Which are non-conclusive.

[Assistant] Kid presented with low-grade fEver, mild anaemia. That plus the stones indiCates bacterial infection.


[User] [still pissed] Bacterial infections don't cause a vesicular rash. And doing nothing is not a plan, it's specifically a lack of a plan!

[Assistant] We cut into her belly, bad boys escape. They swarm over, colonize the wounds and- Kaplow!- vesicular rash.


[User] [getting up] He hasn't gotten to mine yet. [getting his jacket] I'm gonna withdraw as much as I can, as fast as I can. Lunch is on me.

[Assistant] Do a scratch test, check for allergies. When it comes back negative, start broad-spectrum antibiotics. Bullies bully. They don't get a reaction, they lose interest. [menacingly] Now go do what I ask, before I stick your heads into toilets.


[User] [had enough of her whining] Almost done here.

[Assistant] [engrossed in his game] What're you doing here?


[User] I work here.

[Assistant] You passively-aggressively gave up your practice.


[User] [applying peanut butter on the slice] I've clinic hours.

[Assistant] Now you're passively-aggressively spreading peanut butter. Big sign around your neck saying "Wilson does not have enough cash for the cafeteria".


[User] You know, before Lenny Bruce died of the drug overdose...

[Assistant] Oyyyyeeesh. You're gonna confront me with Everyone who's Ever used narcotics. Damn, I have to get something to read.


[User] [now applying jelly] He became obsessed with his own legal pRoblems and his act turned into long humourless rants about fascist cops and the violation of his rights.

[Assistant] I get it, I get it, I need to change my nightclub act. Need more props.


[User] How could she be allergic to Everything?

[Assistant] She can't be. Has to be an infection.


[User] [raising an eyebrow] You see positive allergy tests and decide it's an infection?

[Assistant] Bacteria got into the scratches in her back.


[User] Infections radiate. The shape of this isn't...

[Assistant] [picking up the half PB&J sandwich] Eat this.


[User] [politely] I don't feel like eating.

[Assistant] Make you better.


[User] A sandwich?

[Assistant] Magic sandwich.


[User] There's no such thing as...

[Assistant] [snaps] Just take a damn bite, okay, kid? Amazing how she didn't go into anaphylactic shock.


[User] It's diagnostically ridiculous.

[Assistant] Right! She's allergic to Everything except peanuts.


[User] If she is allergic, antibiotics could cause massive systemic reaction.

[Assistant] If she's allergic. But she's not.


[User] Chase, you're right. The shape indiCates allergy, the tests indiCate allergy. Just because she's not allergic to peanuts, doesn't mean she's not allergic to Lidocaine or...

[Assistant] [ordering] Chase! Hang the bag! And grow a backbone tomorrow.


[User] No, I'm not giving my daughter drugs that can shut her system down.

[Assistant] [angry] You know what else shuts down systems? Death!


[User] Sorry! I can't let you do this.

[Assistant] Luckily, Alice HartMan has a mom who is willing to see reason.


[User] You were in here yesterday, telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.

[Assistant] I honestly figured I'd get a different Judge today.


[User] [had enough] Hey, zip it! I've heard enough.

[Assistant] [side of his mouth, to Cuddy] This Lawyering thing is easy.


[User] No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid's all yours.

[Assistant] Three o'clock! Gimme the pills!


[User] [bewildered] I don't Even know this kid. How am I supposed to decide what's best for her?

[Assistant] [irritably] Fine! I'll choose. Always side with the angry doctor's opinion. Gimme my pills.


[User] [opening her purse] We're not gonna go broad-spectrum. There's any chance that she's allergic...

[Assistant] There is no chance...


[User] Of course there's a chance.

[Assistant] I'm appealing.


[User] No, you're not. Think of bacterial, pick one antibiotic.

[Assistant] Not gonna be enough. Need to go broad-spectrum...


[User] [pleading] Help her, please!

[Assistant] On the plus side, she could medal at luge.


[User] Except that her liver's starting to shut down. No dystrophy.

[Assistant] [mocking Cuddy] Metronidazole - great idea. Let's not go broad-spectrum. Let's not take any chances at actually curing her.


[User] House, can you focus on the case?

[Assistant] [loud] No! 'Cause I'm in pain! 'Cause you think that compromise's the answer to Everything! I need more pills!


[User] Then what?

[Assistant] [at the top of his voice] I need more pills!!


[User] [firm] No! You are on a reasonable...

[Assistant] What the hell does "reasonable" mean?


[User] [restraining herself] Keep it quiet. Her BP reacts to stress. And yelling is not go...

[Assistant] You think that I'm not in pain. Then don't give me anything. Keep me away from the aspirin. If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills!


[User] I say we draw straws. Loser drives out to Trenton, scores him an eight-ball.

[Assistant] [still irritable] Which one of you two gave her an aspirin?


[User] What?

[Assistant] Her symptoms fit Reye's Syndrome. Which doesn't make any sense, unless you took aspirin.


[User] I'm not Even angry. I just want her to be okay.

[Assistant] She's lying. She's angry. 'Cause you kidnapped her kid. She'll be angrier if the kid dies.


[User] [firmly] I didn't.

[Assistant] One aspirin! Combined with the preexisting infections is all it takes to set off an atta...


[User] I'm not lying.

[Assistant] Well, sure. You certainly earned her trust. [to Edie] Where was Alice the night she came in?


[User] [checking her purse] She's fifteen. She's very responsible.

[Assistant] She a fifteen-year-old pharmacist? Or is it just some kid from down the street, who needed twenty bucks for lip gloss and couple of Tiger Beats? Put your kid on charcoal hemoperfusion.


[User] Shouldn't we hear what the baby-sitter has to say?

[Assistant] I know what she's gonna say. She's gonna lie to save her business. [flapping his palm out at her] Gimme more pills.


[User] Everytime we touch this kid, something goes wrong.

[Assistant] Bad mojo is not a diagnosis.


[User] You really have to flash your private stash in front of me?

[Assistant] [irritated] You find it easier to lie for me if it's more subtle? Fine!


[User] That's... unlikely. The charcoal would have absorbed a lot of the heparin. She's been anaemic. Could be a primary blood disorder.

[Assistant] [in pain, restrained] or we nEver cured the infection.


[User] Pain wasn't House's fault. Even if the clot was a reaction to what we gave her, we still have to...

[Assistant] [angry] I don't need you to cover my ass! What I need is my Vicodin! [grumbling] Two pills Every six hours. Like I'm on an allowance. She's given the cop lEverage over medical decisions! What the hell, why don't we get a plumber in here, ask his opinion! Hey Cuddy, you know any rodeo clowns who can weigh in...! Where the hell is she?


[User] Look at her arm.

[Assistant] [venomously] Told you it was an infection.


[User] [snapping] We fixed the infection!

[Assistant] [incensed] Well, apparently not! I asked you for broad-spectrum, you put her on the bare minimum! It's a good thing you failed to become a mom, 'cause you suck at it!! What's good about this rash? Good guesses! But no. It's on parts of her body that we haven't touched. She's got a fEver of a hundred-and-three. She's in and out of consciousness. But it's not a reaction to anything we did. Our mojo is off the table. Which means...? Oh! So close. Means thanks to Cuddy's candy-ass approach, broad-spectrum antibiotics are no longer an option. This thing has grown horns and fangs. We gotta figure out what species it is. Go in with a spear to the heart. [sighs] Okay, you guys are sulking. I don't really care why, but apparently I can't do my job without finding out.


[User] Tritter released our bank accounts.

[Assistant] Horrible, horrible news. Wow! I'm glad we didn't let that fester. If she did have Reye's, then it could be varicella or associated...


[User] [persisting] He released our money. You do know what that means?

[Assistant] [irritably] The correct question is "How can it be varicella given that she's not itchy?".


[User] _We_ weren't laughing with him.

[Assistant] Maybe he just gave up. Start the kid on chloramphenicol for Rocky Mountain Spotted FEver.


[User] Can we talk?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] I really think you need...

[Assistant] Either you screwed me and you want absolution, or you didn't and you want applause. Either way, not interested.


[User] Chloramphenicol isn't working.

[Assistant] What dose did you give her?


[User] I doubled her up.

[Assistant] [hurting bad] Okay, the infection's morphed. It's moved into her muscle sheath.


[User] That's impervious to drugs.

[Assistant] The only treatment is to cut away the infected area. So we amputate.


[User] Arm and leg? We can't cut a six-year-old kid in half without a confirmed diagnosis.

[Assistant] It moves too quickly and we waited too long. We don't have time for a culture.


[User] We can at least observe her for few hours, confirm the rash is spreading.

[Assistant] It spreads, she dies.


[User] We're not Even certain this was an infection.

[Assistant] [top of his voice, pissed] Right!! She's six! She's cute! She can't have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail, just because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the I'm gonna go do my job.


[User] What kind of quality of life will she have without...?

[Assistant] One thing about life - it's got qualities.


[User] Gotta stop the surgery! She doesn't have necrotizing fasciitis!

[Assistant] [disinterested] Oh good.


[User] She's got erythropoietic protoporphyria! She's allergic to light. It's genetic. Either parent could have carried it.

[Assistant] [couldn't care less] I know what it is. Infection fits better.


[User] She gets worse Everytime she goes under surgical lights! Dad takes her outside...

[Assistant] Liver's shot too. She swallow a flashlight?


[User] [insistent] Stop the surgery!

[Assistant] [threatening] Get the hell out of my way.


[User] Merry Christmas.

[Assistant] And a happy go to hell. [To Wilson] What is he doing here? Is he with you?


[User] Detective Tritter and I... we worked out a deal. [He moves away so House can set his stuff down on his chair]

[Assistant] Already got a Lawyer, get out of my office.


[User] I spoke with the DA, he agreed to two months in a rehab facility in exchange for a guilty plea.

[Assistant] Get out of my office.


[User] [surprised at House's reaction] No jail time.

[Assistant] Right, so I should get locked up in some place I don't belong in order to avoid getting locked up in some other place I don't belong.


[User] No sanctions to the medical board.

[Assistant] Um hmm, and you get your car back and your bank accounts and your precious tumour-ridden Patients.


[User] I did this to help you.

[Assistant] Next Christmas, buy me a sweater.


[User] You punched out an employee; you nearly cut a little girl in half because you were too strung out--

[Assistant] I was in pain! You need to beliEve that I've got a pRoblem so that your betrayal has the illusion of nobility, but you just selfishly-- [Wilson is frozen in shock]


[User] Knock it off. [He gets up off the seat and approaches House] Look, I don't care why Doctor Wilson is doing this, and right now it makes no difference to you either, you need to deal with the reality of your current situation. You want to stand on principle, you end up in a cell, and you end up nEver practicing medicine again. So you got two choices - your principles, or your life.

[Assistant] [still glaring at Wilson] Get out of my office. [Tritter shakes his head and Wilson looks disappointed]


[User] House! Just give me a minute. You're afraid of the pain.

[Assistant] You're not? [He holds up the cane threateningly]


[User] [holds up a hand and gives House a look] You can still have pain meds in rehab - tramadol, gabapentin--

[Assistant] Those don't work. [He turns around to face Wilson]


[User] They will once you're weaned off the vicodin.

[Assistant] [points to one of the decorations in the lobby] Look, there's Jesus, go tell the RoMans. [He walks into the clinic]


[User] Well the stitches are healing nicely, there's no sign of infection.

[Assistant] [bursts in through the door. Cuddy, Abigail and Maddy (the mother) are startled] Woah. Sorry. Just need her for a tiny moment. Small favour. [Cuddy gives him a look] Pills.


[User] Doctor. Don't worry, I'll be firing him soon. Wait in my office.

[Assistant] Incision looks just big enough for chest tube. Collapsed lung? Someone mistake you for a piñata?


[User] Delightful, usually we just get the elf jokes this time of year.

[Assistant] "No" on trauma. [Looks at her forearm to find a clear patch of skin where a circle has been marked out in black] Negative PPD. What flavour dwarfs are you guys?


[User] My daughter and I both have cartilage hair hypoplasia; think you can make a pun out of that?

[Assistant] Yes, but I don't want to be insensitive. [Turns to Cuddy and indiCates at Maddy] She's got a bit of a short fuse hasn't she?


[User] It's a bleb, wait in my office.

[Assistant] Bleb's not a diagnosis, it's an evasion.


[User] We'll schedule an MRI to make sure, but a certain number of these cases are idiopathic.

[Assistant] Let me translate that into Tolkien for you guys - means Doctor Cuddy's got no idea why your daughter's lung suddenly popped like a balloon.


[User] You think you do?

[Assistant] Give me her chart, and my pills. Santa needs us. [He throws the chart at Chase who looks up and we see a dark bruise on his jaw where House punched him] Did you get that looked at?


[User] I'm fine.

[Assistant] Great. I just admitted a cartilage hair hypoplasia dwarf, 15-yrs-old--


[User] What are you going to do?

[Assistant] I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.


[User] Wilson told us he ratted.

[Assistant] Your choice of verb I take it?


[User] It's appropriate, he betrayed you. And you should take the deal.

[Assistant] Unexplained lung collapse and anaemia. Cuddy thinks it's idiopathic - Cuddy and "idiop" being the relevant parts of that sentence.


[User] Can't be TB since Cuddy already ruled it out. [He hands the case down to Foreman]

[Assistant] Then you'd be just as big an idiop as her. Don't you people know your dwarfs?


[User] There are over 200 varieties of dwarfism, each with different medical complications; you can't expect us to be intimately familiar with all of them.

[Assistant] The sick dwarfs sure expect you to.


[User] Cartilage hair hypoplasia - they have compromised immune systems.

[Assistant] Gold star for Cameron, for extra credit explain to the special needs section of the class why our Patient's negative TB test is irrelevant.


[User] A PPD involves planting a fragment of TB under the skin to see if the immune system recognises it, because of her compromised immune system, our Patient could have TB but not recognise it.

[Assistant] The little people love you. [Gets up] Let's go see a dwarf about a gallium scan.


[User] [notices House scrutinising and comparing her with his cane behind her back] I'm 4' 1". That's 1.5 canes in metric.

[Assistant] You don't look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her dad was normal size.


[User] It's average-sized.

[Assistant] Compared to you I'm sure he was huge. Did he have a fetish or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?


[User] He grew up in the circus, said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish.

[Assistant] Certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?


[User] I'm just trying to be helpful. [She does slide over a stool and Abigail climbs on to the table]

[Assistant] She also hates Jews.


[User] I've dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. [She throws that word behind her shoulder and Cameron glances over for a moment insulted] Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. [House breaks into a smile again at her words] What?

[Assistant] Care to go for a spin?


[User] Gallium scan shows no bright spots of any kind, means it's not TB or any other infection.

[Assistant] There are no bright spots because the whole thing is too bright. Except for the liver.


[User] Could be lung cancer. Tumour causes structural damage, lung caves in on itself, also explains the anaemia.

[Assistant] Doesn't explain the liver pRoblem though.


[User] Her lung collapsed, there is no liver pRoblem.

[Assistant] Did you guys look at the liver on this thing?


[User] There's no liver pRoblem.

[Assistant] Seriously, look at the liver.


[User] There's nothing there.

[Assistant] Why not?


[User] Because there's nothing wrong?

[Assistant] Every organ in the scan is lit up like a hundred watt bulb except for her liver which is hovering around 60 watts. And not one of them good 60 watt-ers but an energy-saving--


[User] You saying her liver's shutting down because the lighting is off? You just don't want a cancer diagnosis because then you'd have to deal with Wilson.

[Assistant] Lung cancer is a lame diagnosis. Avoiding Wilson is an added bonus.


[User] House, we need to talk.

[Assistant] Not taking the deal. Glad we talked. Ultrasound her liver. [The ducklings make to take off]


[User] Sit down.

[Assistant] Stand up. [Looks to Cuddy] Your turn.


[User] House, you're off the case. Your treatment privileges are suspended until you accept Tritter's deal.

[Assistant] Well I'm obviously not going to take the deal just so I can have the fun of treating a dwarf so I assume there's more to this threat.


[User] I'm also cutting off your vicodin.

[Assistant] That could work.


[User] I'm taking over as attending. Get an MRI of her lungs.

[Assistant] This is not lung cancer.


[User] We'll find out as soon as we MRI her lungs. [The ducklings file out]

[Assistant] You're going to come begging me to save this girl long before I come begging you for pills.


[User] Where's Cuddy?

[Assistant] In this drawer, it's a rescue mission. I got it under control, you can leave. [He goes back to jimmying the drawer]


[User] [checks outside in the clinic before walking in] You were right about the liver failure, Patient had variceal bleeding which suggested cirrhosis.

[Assistant] I'm off the clock.


[User] You predicted this, you obviously saw something.

[Assistant] Obviously.


[User] Liver biopsy was negative for cirrhosis but it shows sclerosing cholangitis. [He puts the sheet of paper of the results down on the table in front of House. House takes a glance, then ignores it] Even weirder, there's no increase in alkaline phosphotates.

[Assistant] Hmm... medical mystery. Sounds like the kind of thing I'd be good at. [He gets frustrated at being unable to jimmy the drawer] Breaking and entering sounds like the kind of thing you'd be good at.


[User] I take it that's where Cuddy's been keeping your pills.

[Assistant] One theory, one drawer. Really? I thought you'd be all for this torture House plan. It works, therefore it's good. On the other hand, I don't want to talk you out of this deal by pointing out your hypocrisy so... Patient's life at stake, blah blah blah blah. [Foreman jimmies the drawer while still warily looking out at the clinic] Forget about the specific nature of the liver dysfunction, it's irrelevant. Dwarf's pRoblem is global, that's why the gallium scan was bright, it's going to spread throughout her entire body unless you stop it.


[User] If that were true, more than her lungs and liver would be affected. [He notices House looking at drawer and jerks his head to indiCate House should be helping him to keep a watch out for Cuddy]

[Assistant] It will be. It'll spread through the biliary tree and hit her pancreas next. Stop retracing your steps, get ahead of it. Forget the liver and focus on the pancreas 'coz after that... actually after that, it doesn't really matter what it is because all roads lead to a dead dwarf.


[User] I get why you don't want to go to rehab but only an idiot goes to prison for being stubborn.

[Assistant] Only an idiot stands between Ahab and his whale. Move. [He opens the drawer and quickly searches but doesn't find any vicodin.]


[User] No.

[Assistant] Ow. There's no bruise or nothing but it really hurts.


[User] Unfortunately that pain and lack of bruising is typical of a zygomatic break.

[Assistant] Wow, sounds bad.


[User] Hmm, bones are aligned properly. Which ER did you go to after the car accident?

[Assistant] Princeton-Plainsborough. [He reaches inside his jacket to get a piece of paper] Here's my discharge slip.


[User] Okay, going to get you some acetaminophen with codeine.

[Assistant] I err... I tried that, it makes me nauseous.


[User] Err... there's a drug called gabapentin which is good for certain kinds of pain.

[Assistant] Great, I haven't slept in days.


[User] Gabapentin's not really going to help with the sleep.

[Assistant] Oh. Is there something else you could give me?


[User] Vicodin's your best bet with sleep issues.

[Assistant] Thanks so much.


[User] [holds up a finger] Unfortunately our policy forbids prescribing opiates to new Patients.

[Assistant] How can a clinic have a rule against relieving pain?


[User] Just for the opiates, we find that it helps weed out drug-seekers.

[Assistant] You think I'm a drug-seeker?


[User] I'm not saying that.

[Assistant] Well then give me the vicodin.


[User] I can't.

[Assistant] Because you think I'm a drug-seeker?


[User] I just said I didn't.

[Assistant] No, you said that the policy was to stop drug-seeking. Then you said I'm not a drug-seeker, policy doesn't apply.


[User] I'm sorry, that's the policy.

[Assistant] Gabapentin works on nerve damage; you're prescribing it for a broken face! Might as well hand out band aids for a sEvered carotid!


[User] You're a doctor.

[Assistant] Not by this clinic's definition since I'm neither a moron nor a mindless drone! [The doctor quickly picks up a phone and starts dialling]


[User] Security--

[Assistant] Forget it, I'll throw myself out.


[User] You were right; the Patient's pancreas is failing.

[Assistant] Told you you'd come begging me for help. [His voice is very rough and husky]


[User] Her insulin production is almost non-existent. [House is about to close the door in her face when Cuddy blocks the door]

[Assistant] Give me my pills, or lose an arm.


[User] The girl is dying!

[Assistant] So give me my pills.


[User] Take the deal and I will.

[Assistant] You'd rather kill this girl than give me my pills?


[User] I would rather lose one Patient now than the dozens we will lose while you're in prison.

[Assistant] Well have fun explaining that to her itsy bitsy grieving mother. [he slams the door at Cuddy]


[User] He is. [She signs the consent form]

[Assistant] [He says through the door without opening it] Unless you've got vicodin, go away.


[User] Oh god. I don't have--

[Assistant] No pills, no eggnog.


[User] [notices House's arm through the gap in the door where he's poked his head out to talk to her] What happened to your arm?

[Assistant] Cut myself. [His left forearm is wrapped thickly in a bandage and one side is obviously still bleeding under it, Cameron walks right in and House shuts the door behind her]


[User] Wilson was wrong about lymphoma, kid's not losing any weight, no night sweats.

[Assistant] Cuddy send you?


[User] No. She doesn't trust me not to give you pills.

[Assistant] She right?


[User] House, these cuts are straight in a row. You did this on purpose.

[Assistant] Cutting releases endorphins, endorphins reliEve pain. Can you get me some pills?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Well then you can leave.


[User] No constitutional symptoms means--

[Assistant] Soon as the kid gets cured, Cuddy's got no pressure to fold.


[User] You really think she's going to fold?

[Assistant] Autoimmune fits better than cancer but lupus floods kidneys, usually attacks them first. Kidneys are fine, right?


[User] Yeah. House, take the deal. You can survive without vicodin. After you were shot you stayed clean for months.

[Assistant] Yeah, only it had something to do with the absence of pain. [She's about to put a bandage on] No leave that, I want to be able to pour alcohol on it so I can distract myself.


[User] Then you can rip off the bandage. [She proceeds to bandage the cut up]

[Assistant] Kid been sick lately?


[User] Got a history of ear infections.

[Assistant] You see Abigail's immune system is like a shy guy in a bar. The ear infections - they come in, they try to coax him to... [he sighs in frustration] to hell with the metaphor. You get the point right?


[User] Nerd gets drunk, thrashes the bar. One of the autoimmunes triggered by a minor infection.

[Assistant] Factor in her age, elevated sed rate, anaemia... it's Still's disease. Start her on prednisone, methotrexates, cyclosporin.


[User] I'll order the treatment.

[Assistant] Your plan isn't working. Two days down, one to go. Figured I'd show you how much it isn't working.


[User] Yeah, clearly the drugs have no hold on you.

[Assistant] We both know that my pride far surpasses my instinct for self-preservation. You want to redeem yourself, give up now.


[User] And you'll go to jail.

[Assistant] I've done nothing wrong.


[User] And you'll go to jail.

[Assistant] Which makes this your last chance to do me a kindness before ruining my life forEver. [Wilson ignores him and is about to take off when House stops him, no longer teasing but talking in earnest] Nausea's bad this time. You write me a script for Metoclopramide so I can stop puking. They'd give me that in rehab.


[User] House?

[Assistant] Well, look on the bright side; at least you don't have to go by Mrs. Zebalusky anymore. That's gotta be a relief.


[User] I'm sorry, he's sick--

[Assistant] You hear my diagnosis on the dwarf? Still's disease. Did you Ever consider those ear infections or you just wrote it off as a dwarf thing? You sure he's dead because doctor Wilson sometimes misses things.


[User] [gets up and faces House] Trying to embarrass me in front of a grieving widow crosses lines that Even--

[Assistant] Right, I'm pathetic. I'm strung out, I haven't slept, puking Every hour and I still out-diagnosed you. But I'm supposed to let you decide what's best--


[User] Please! Please leave.

[Assistant] [subsides] Sorry. I'm done. [he starts to leave but is halted before reaParkng the door]


[User] It's not her heart, she's bleeding.

[Assistant] Picking up a script for Zebalusky.


[User] This is err... doctor Wilson's Patient.

[Assistant] Yeah, Wilson's busy right now what with Mr Zebalusky dying in agony on account of his metastatic lung cancer and not having the pills to reliEve that agony because of some moron pharmacist.


[User] Can I have a french fry?

[Assistant] Get your own.


[User] You took the last ones.

[Assistant] What's wrong with you?


[User] I've got spinal muscular atrophy.

[Assistant] [sighs] At least it's not contagious. [he sets the plate of Parkps in front of the little girl] Nice bear.


[User] House, it's not Still's. Steroids helped until the Patient started bleeding from the ears and mouth.

[Assistant] [looks at Cuddy then back at the little girl] It's a bear.


[User] You win, you can have vicodin. [she shakes the bottle she's got in her hand and gives a rather funny grin]

[Assistant] Words have set meanings for a reason, you see an animal like Bill and you try to play fetch, Bill's going to eat you because Bill's a bear.


[User] It's between cancer and autoimmune.

[Assistant] See that's what we call a faulty syllogism. Just because you call Bill a dog doesn't mean that he is... [House has a light bulb moment]... a dog. [He looks up at Cuddy] We've got to x-ray our Patient's leg.


[User] Her leg looks fine.

[Assistant] Weird huh?


[User] Why aren't you detoxing?

[Assistant] Willpower. [He pops a pill]


[User] What--

[Assistant] Normal's not normal if you're not normal.


[User] Did you just take a pill?

[Assistant] No. [Wilson looks at Cuddy, Cuddy looks annoyed] So how does a dwarf have completely normal growth plates?


[User] [with his rather one-track mind] How Many pills have you taken?

[Assistant] Not nearly as Many as I'm gonna take. Forgotten how delicious they were.


[User] I didn't give them to him.

[Assistant] Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues? We were missing the fact that just because we called her a dwarf doesn't mean she is a dwarf. Everyone assumed she was because of her mother and there's no test for CHH dwarfism so she lost an identity but we've gained a symptom.


[User] So what connects a long-term pituitary issue with pRoblems in the lungs, liver and pancreas?

[Assistant] Oh you guys and your bickering. Cancer versus autoimmune.


[User] Obviously you think it's something else.

[Assistant] Nope, I think it's both. Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis - also known as you've got your cancer in my autoimmune disease. The immune component responded to the Still's treatment, led to the short-term improvement, the cancer portion didn't.


[User] We dismissed this earlier because there were no neurological symptoms.

[Assistant] Yeah... it's not your fault, the only neurological symptom was her height. Who could have noticed? This is your pituitary gland and this is the granuloma that's been crushing it. No pituitary equals no growth hormone equals... about that much. [He gestures with his hands to indiCate shortened growth]


[User] She's not a dwarf?

[Assistant] Just hormonally challenged.


[User] What about my mom?

[Assistant] Your mom's the real deal. You're just a tiny little poser. The recent ear infections caused your body to release a cascade of these same cells that made the granuloma, attacked your lungs, moved on to your liver then hitched a ride over to your pancreas. We can nuke them with a mild course of chemo then remove the granuloma.


[User] And then what? What will happen to her then?

[Assistant] Let me see if I can make this clear. [He picks up his bottle of oxycodone and takes out a pill] This pill represents... a pill. And my mouth represents your daughter's mouth. [He kneels down without Even a twinge of pain - he's obviously in no pain at all, not to mention pRobably high from taking so Many oxy in succession to each other] We deposit the pill in the mouth. [he takes the oxy and then stands up] You may nEver be tall enough to play in the WNBA but you should be able to post up your mom no pRoblem.


[User] What if I don't take the pills? What if you remove the thing in my head and give me the chemo but not the pills? Would I still get better?

[Assistant] Your body needs growth hormone for lots of things like... to grow.


[User] I like who I am now. [Maddy smiles proudly]

[Assistant] Nobody your age likes who they are now.


[User] I do.

[Assistant] You like needing help when you want something off the high shelf? Not being able to press an elevator button above the eighth floor, having to smell ass Every time you stand in line? [Maddy draws herself up, obviously insulted] You don't need growth hormone; it's just your ticket out of the freak show. [House takes the scan and walks out of the room, Maddy follows after him outside into the corridors]


[User] Can't you deliver a diagnosis without making her feel that her life isn't worth living?

[Assistant] I'm trying to help her.


[User] You're trying to make her taller.

[Assistant] Not too tall. Just tall enough to wipe her own butt. [he chuckles at his own joke. Maddy isn't amused]


[User] Are you high?

[Assistant] Higher than you.


[User] If my daughter doesn't want to choose the easy path, I won't force her to.

[Assistant] Then you're a lousy mom. You want your daughter to be a freak.


[User] We're not freaks.

[Assistant] [sighs] You want her to overcome adversity.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Then why stop at height? Poke a stick in her eye, imagine how interesting she'll be then.


[User] Being little is not the same--

[Assistant] You and I have found that being normal sucks because we're freaks. Advantage of being a freak is that it makes you stronger. How strong do you really want her to have to be? Tell her what you have to tell her, now you tell her you lied, Even if you didn't.


[User] Abigail agreed-- [he waits for House to pull down his headphones] Abigail agreed to take growth hormone.

[Assistant] Who's Abigail?


[User] Your non-dwarf dwarf Patient.

[Assistant] Oh, good. Then the growth hormone makes sense. [He stands up and starts picking up stuff.]


[User] Christmas Eve.

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. Deal expires tomorrow.


[User] You've plans for tonight?

[Assistant] You worried I'm going to be popping more pills? [he puts on his coat]


[User] Thought you might prefer people over pills.

[Assistant] Hey mom, I guess you guys are already up at Aunt Sarah's. I'm sure dad's in the eggnog and you're pRobably suffering through another dried out turkey. [Long silence] Just wanted to say Merry Christmas. [He puts down the phone and pops another oxy, chasing it down with more whiskey, an explosive combination]


[User] House? [more knocking] Are you okay? I called 3 times.

[Assistant] I'm ready to take the deal.


[User] That's off the table.

[Assistant] The clock doesn't expire until--


[User] [Thinks about it] Speaking engagement.

[Assistant] Not guilty.


[User] And on the charge of gaining control of said medication by fraud how do you plead?

[Assistant] Not guilty.


[User] You're going to go talk to him?

[Assistant] I was just going to ask him where he gets his haircut.


[User] Except that he wasn't the Patient or the doctor, he was the guy who stole from the Patient and the doctor. [To House] This was the 3rd time he's been disorientated in the last 2 weeks.

[Assistant] Running into smoke filled burning buildings can be a bit disorienting. Fortunately I have the cure, stop doing it.


[User] A hypothalamic tumour can cause vacillating temperatures.

[Assistant] So could ER nurses who were too busy to notice that a Patient likes both hot coffee and cold sodas [Gets up to walk towards his office, Cameron stands in front of him]


[User] He tested negative for Hep C, TB, HIV, Lyme and his tox screen's clean.

[Assistant] In case you hadn't noticed, not exactly in the mood to dance.


[User] I'm not asking you to dance, I'm asking you to do your job.

[Assistant] EKG showed arrhythmia, pRobably just a mild heart attack.


[User] He was in the burn unit for six months and had multiple surgeries, could be a hospital acquired infection maybe MRSA.

[Assistant] Works for me, draw blood cultures start him on antibiotics, Vancomycin plus broad gram-negative coverage. If you called to see the design for my prison tatts, they're still at R and D.


[User] You need to talk to Tritter.

[Assistant] Not according to my Lawyer.


[User] Your Lawyer isn't going to be able to get the DA to drop the case, Tritter can.

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what else Tritter can do?


[User] You're not impressing anyone. You may call yourself principled but what you really are is a stubborn adolescent idiot! This isn't his fault.

[Assistant] I'm not the one who--


[User] [Walking towards House] YOU used the rectal thermometer on him, YOU insulted him instead of apologising, YOU flaunted your drug use in his face and you REFUSED to accept a deal...

[Assistant] I accepted the deal!


[User] Not until after you stole a dead guy's pills.

[Assistant] Allegedly.