[User] Well, there has to be another way. Please. I'm speaking for my wife, the wife I lived with for four years who isn't here and can't defend herself. [House turns and stares at a monitor.] Dr. House, are you listening?

[Assistant] Well, you can stop arguing, 'cause it doesn't matter anymore. Look at the variability in the heart rate. The S.E. has spread into the brain stem.


[User] No. We can't cut the brain stem.

[Assistant] This thing's moving too quickly. Surgery's no longer an option, which I guess means you've won. Congratulations. [to Taub] Put in a pacer and start her on chemo and radiation. It won't cure her, but it'll buy a couple weeks so she can find out who she is before she dies.


[User] That was pretty rough Do you always break the news to your Patients that way? Or were you short-handing it for me?

[Assistant] Husband was being an idiot.


[User] Well, he was asking for it. But, um, to punish him you have to punish the wife too. Why"�why did he make you so angry, Hmm? Because he didn't want to cooperate with you?

[Assistant] He'd rather risk his wife's life than their marriage. People's brains stop working when they think they're gonna lose someone they love.


[User] Your leg hurt?

[Assistant] It's all right.


[User] Okay. Anyone else you pissed off?

[Assistant] 50 bucks for the book.


[User] Forget it.

[Assistant] You paid $25. That's 100% return.


[User] That's what I paid. But it's a rare surgical text, nearly 100 years old � plates in mint condition. That book's worth sEveral thousand dollars.

[Assistant] $2,000. I'll write you a check.


[User] Yo, House, you want to stop by the library? 'Cause I got a book to return. Ta-ka-plow! [He pulls the book from under his shirt. As House takes it, Alvie raps]

[Assistant] Anyone see you?


[User] I didn't know there was a section of the brain just for hope.

[Assistant] It's very, very tiny.


[User] We're trying to stabilize her heart. She's still tachy and hypotensive.

[Assistant] Brain, heart, and rapidly progressing.


[User] [Voice over] Her extreme exercise suppresses her immune system, [cut to Diagnostics] allows the infection to smolder.

[Assistant] [voice over] Or allows an old infection to reactivate it � TB. [cut to courtroom] Start her on a multidrug regimen.


[User] A gentle reminder � the use of cell phones is prohibited.

[Assistant] Give her the first dose directly into the lungs in the O.R.


[User] Before the less gentle arrest for contempt.

[Assistant] Put her in an isolation room with U.V. light. And get yourselves tested. You've all been exposed.


[User] You are?

[Assistant] I am Mr. Alvarez's doctor. [He hands her a sheet of paper, which she unfolds and reads.]


[User] My mother's DNA was still on that cross?

[Assistant] It could be.


[User] You faked it? [He jumps on House to hug him.] It wasn't just me. You lied to them too!

[Assistant] I'm better at it than you are.


[User] May need to tube her. Grab some I.V. furosemide.

[Assistant] Wait, wait.


[User] We need to get her on a vent.

[Assistant] There's something on her ankle. [He touches her leg]


[User] "Eddie would go." It's a surfing phrase. Must be from her earlier life.

[Assistant] She tried to get it removed, but they only took off the top layers of skin. The ink is still in the deeper layers. [cut to Nolan's office] Set off an allergic reaction. She was fine until she started the long-distance running. The ultra-marathoning modified her immune system, set off the allergic reaction. We did a full thickness skin graft, and she'll be okay.


[User] So you were right! in the end. It was her past. Did she get her memory back?

[Assistant] [voice over] Not yet.


[User] Will she?

[Assistant] No way to know.


[User] He's treating her as though they just met. He's courting her. Whose idea was that? [House walks off, quickly.] He was doing the opposite of Everything he should. Suddenly he's changed.

[Assistant] Taub thought it might�


[User] [following House down the hall] That was your idea. And you asked me what I thought was going on between them. It's their relationship that's on your mind. That's why you've been thinking about this case � relationships. Lost one with Wilson, gained one with Alvie.

[Assistant] Not exactly. Alvie?


[User] [voice over] You gonna tell me what the note said?

[Assistant] [putting the note down] Alvie was very grateful that I'd gotten him out of trouble. It allowed him to go stay with his cousin in Phoenix without worrying about immigration looking for him there.


[User] You didn't think he was gonna stay forEver.

[Assistant] No.


[User] What happened next?

[Assistant] [voice over] Nothing happened next. That's all I got.


[User] [thinking, sighs] Relationships.

[Assistant] BergMan. [shrugs] What do you want me to say?


[User] I don't know. You're the one who set the theme � something about relationships made you go out and provoke a fight. Wilson and Sam have a relationship. You're not thrilled about it.

[Assistant] They're happy. Why should I screw that up? Everyone's happy. Everyone's moving in together � Wilson and Sam, Cuddy and Lucas. Even Alvie's�


[User] Cuddy and Lucas are moving in together? You didn't mention that.

[Assistant] They talked about moving in together before. It's not big news.


[User] Cuddy! [He gets up.] Cuddy. "Approach to the Acute Abdomen"�! [He types something into his computer.] Written by Ernest T. Cuddy, M.D. Any relation to your Cuddy?

[Assistant] Her great-grandfather. I've had it for years! Always meant to give it to her for a special occasion.


[User] Like her! Housewarming?

[Assistant] It's just a gift.


[User] A Woman you care about is taking one step further away from you and closer to someone else? I"�I think I can safely say yes, it's significant if you don't mention it. You were willing to punish the husband of your Patient because you identified with him. He was also losing someone he loved.

[Assistant] I'm not gonna go out and get hammered because a Woman I'm not Even with is moving in with someone. That'd be pathetic. To hell with this. When I first came to you, I told you that I wanted to be happy, and I followed your advice. And instead, I'm just miserable. How is this working for me?


[User] It takes time.

[Assistant] For a year, I've done Everything you've asked, and Everybody else is happy. I run on my treadmill. You just sit there and watch. You're a faith healer. You take advantage of people who want to beliEve. But there's nothing in your bag of tricks.


[User] House!

[Assistant] WhatEver the answer is, you don't have it.


[User] A crane collapsed in downtown Trenton.

[Assistant] (looking down and sideways, but not at Cuddy) Don't care.


[User] (recognizing the author, Ernest T. Cuddy) My great-grandfather.

[Assistant] No, it's just a book he wrote. Open it up.


[User] Seriously, you're giving this to us?

[Assistant] It's a big step you're taking. I wanted to congratulate you. I understand that's the adult thing to do.


[User] How did you know?

[Assistant] I've known for a while. The fact that you decided to cohabitate is not exactly a spoiler. Unless my intel is wrong. Trouble in paradise?


[User] (quickly putting up her hair and ignoring the question) We have to get to Trenton.

[Assistant] (shining a light into the eyes of a young Woman with blood running down her face) Can you hear me?


[User] Hmm?

[Assistant] (to Cuddy) That sound like a yes?


[User] Sir, we have to get you to the O.R. You have a bad wound, but we're gonna pack it and transport you as fast as we can.

[Assistant] (to the worker recording the decisions of the triage doctors) Skull fracture. Glasgow coma score of 11. She's immediate. Move on. This guy's dead.


[User] His wounds aren't so�

[Assistant] (pulling off his latex gloves) Forget the wound. Look at his toes. Atherosclerotic emboli. He'll nEver survive the surgery.


[User] Maybe his shoes were too tight.

[Assistant] It's not the shoes. Skin shows smoker's facies. He's not gonna make it till morning. He'll just take up an ambulance ride, surgeon's time, and an ICU bed.


[User] (to House) Crane operator. Made it through amazingly well. Lucid and responsive. Stable fracture, right humerus. Haven't gotten to his lower half yet.

[Assistant] (to Jay) Tell me when something hurts.


[User] I fell asleep, killed all those people.

[Assistant] Something other than your conscience. Is that a pill in your pocket, or are you just happy to have a tiny pill-shaped penis? Caffeine pills. You fell asleep taking these?


[User] I drank two cups of coffee too.

[Assistant] Is that normal for you?


[User] No, I hate coffee. I'm working on no sleep. My daughter has the flu.

[Assistant] (to Foreman) This much caffeine for a coffee virgin. There's no way he fell asleep. He passed out. Which means a neurological disorder caused the crash, not fatigue. (yelling to Cuddy) Hey. We're taking the crane operator back to Princeton.


[User] They said he was barely hurt � he can wait.

[Assistant] (to Foreman) Steal an ambulance. And call the team. Tell 'em we got a case.


[User] (coming over to talk to him) House. No! I need you here.

[Assistant] Well he needs me there. And he moans louder than you do.


[User] (talking to House on his phone) Having fun down there?

[Assistant] Lots! Every time Cuddy leans over a Patient, it's another opportunity for a down blouse nip slip. What's going on between her and Lucas?


[User] Besides them moving in together? That's not enough for you?

[Assistant] I gave her the Housewarming gift earlier. And she paused for a split second, like she was hiding something.


[User] It's pRobably her moral revulsion at Housewarming gifts.

[Assistant] Or maybe she didn't want to accept a gift for something she wasn't gonna do.


[User] What was that? You okay?

[Assistant] (reaParkng into the maParkne and pulling out a drink) Yeah. Vending maParkne collapsed. She still using your ex-wife as a realtor?


[User] As far as I know.

[Assistant] Well, know a little farther, will you? Look into it. Hey! There's somebody down here!


[User] I'm not getting anything.

[Assistant] (who has acquired a flashlight) I heard something � there's gotta be a void down there.


[User] There's a million voids down there. It was the Parking garage. But equipment hasn't picked up any movement. Dogs haven't picked up any scent.

[Assistant] There's smashed cars down there. The gasoline throw off their scent?


[User] Look, we gotta get back to work, okay? We'll get to this area soon. Excuse me.

[Assistant] Anybody hear me? Hey! Anybody hear me? Aah! Oh...


[User] Help me. (she groans)

[Assistant] (brushing her free of Debris) What's your name?


[User] (coughing) Please...my husband's gift. I was supposed to pick it up at the framers. It's on Elm.

[Assistant] Well, you should have told me earlier. I could have picked it up on the way. What's your name?


[User] It's a picture from our Tortola trip. For his birthday.

[Assistant] I'm not asking your name because I wanna become friends. I'm trying to gauge your mental state.


[User] Hanna.

[Assistant] Okay, that's a start. What day of the week is it?


[User] Tuesday.

[Assistant] Better still.


[User] What happened?

[Assistant] You know that giant construction crane next door? It's kind of on top of you right now. Okay, I'm gonna try to pull you out.


[User] Ow! My leg! Oh! Oh! Oh! (she whimpers)

[Assistant] Okay, okay. Whew! I'm gonna need to get help.


[User] No, stay! Someone else will come.

[Assistant] No one knows I'm down here.


[User] Please! Stay with me. Don't leave me in the dark.

[Assistant] I'll be right back.


[User] He's still in the ER House. We haven't had time to start a differential.

[Assistant] Perfect! Let's start right now. Put me on speaker. (shouting, to be heard over the noise of the saw) What causes syncope?


[User] Your guy's stable. The two dozen other Patients�

[Assistant] Who don't need to be diagnosed. They just need to be bandaged. What causes syncope?


[User] Or you're wrong, and he just fell asleep.

[Assistant] How's he gonna sleep with 50 cups of coffee going through his veins?


[User] Were you nEver a medical resident?

[Assistant] I hear ten, elEven, and twelve. Where's Thirteen?


[User] She's not here. And the answer to your next question is no. I don't know

[Assistant] Do you have the answer to my question after that? Space-occupying lesion in his brain is most likely. MRI will prove I'm right.


[User] Or it'll just prove he suffered head trauma from the crash.

[Assistant] Which we'd wanna find anyway. Two birds with one scan. Do it.


[User] Having trouble finding a vein for Hanna's IV.

[Assistant] She getting weaker? Paler?


[User] No, no. She's stable.

[Assistant] That means her blood loss in minimal. Buys us some time. Get the IV into her tibia. It's almost hollow, feeds into the venous system. (The EMT stares at him blankly) Which, they obviously don't teach you in EMT school. Told ya I'd be back. (unzipping the medical kit) Heard you might be thirsty.


[User] Ahhh...

[Assistant] (to the Captain) I assume that bodes well for the rescue?


[User] What's your name?

[Assistant] You testing my mental state?


[User] I'm gonna be stuck down here for a while. I'd like somebody to talk to.

[Assistant] Look, the guy who just left is the one who's gonna be holding your hand through all this. You talk to him. Little pinch.


[User] (sitting up and crying out in pain) Aah! Oh! Ow!

[Assistant] Okay. Big pinch.


[User] I gotta call my husband. Can I use your phone?

[Assistant] Uh, no bars down here. L'chaim.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] Don't worry. Fire marshal Bill will be back soon. So I hope I didn't weird you out giving you that gift.


[User] (continuing to roll and wrap the bandage) Can we talk about this later?

[Assistant] Of course. (He pauses briefly) Is now later? Maybe things aren't going so well with Lucas. If so, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to step into anything.


[User] (to the other Woman) Thank you.

[Assistant] So why the weirdness?


[User] (motioning to another doctor) Can you help? (She pulls House aside and takes off her gloves) When I opened it, I didn't think it was a Housewarming gift. I thought it was an engagement present. (House looks stunned) It just happened last night.

[Assistant] No wonder you wanna hide this from me... Since I'm such a deliCate flower.


[User] I didn't know what to say. And I've been slightly distracted.

[Assistant] That might make sense, 'cept you're not wearing the ring. (The camera cuts back to a closeup shot) So...You are hiding it, which begs the question�


[User] (to Hanna) Please listen to me. You've been down here almost two hours. By the time they clear away the rubble�

[Assistant] (Interrupting) We are not cutting off her leg. (to Hanna) You don't have to rush through this to make his job easier. (He motions toward the captain)


[User] Dying muscles release poisons. We free your leg, the poisons rush back into your system. It could stop your heart.

[Assistant] So could cheeseburgers. (to Captain McCreaney) Let's get your lazy friends to start moving that pile. She's got two more hours before crush syndrome could possibly set in.


[User] (to Hanna) It's not just crush syndrome you gotta worry about, okay? There's gas leaks. There's fire. We can nEver rule out secondary collapses, no matter how much we shore this thing up.

[Assistant] You think chopping off someone's limb inside a pile of dirty rocks is safe? Sepsis, fat embolism, a hemorrhage.


[User] Thank you, doctor?

[Assistant] House. You don't need to thank me. It just makes sense.


[User] Just promise me you won't let them cut off my leg.

[Assistant] (crossing his fingers) I promise. Does that make you feel better?


[User] Your phone is working down here.

[Assistant] (flipping open his phone) Switched carriers. Better rollover minutes. (into the phone) Talk.


[User] (talking to House on the phone from the diagnostics conference room) MRI was clean, but afterwards, he started bleeding out of his eyes and nose.

[Assistant] So there was something wrong before the collapse.


[User] Unless it's just conjunctive coagulopathy from the trauma.

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah � you don't think he was sick before. We get it! You're wrong.


[User] (entering the conference room) Sorry I'm late.

[Assistant] (to Thirteen) Where were you?


[User] The infection causes neurological symptoms, goes systemic, and D.I.C. causes the bleed.

[Assistant] Good theory. Except for the part that there's no fEver. Get an X-ray venogram. See if you can find a reason for your existence. Also look for venous sinus thrombosis.


[User] Would have seen it on the MRI.

[Assistant] Not if you were too busy not looking for it.


[User] We should X-ray for a facial fracture first. This could all be simple trauma.

[Assistant] Just do what I tell you. Be back in ten minutes. (He disconnects the call)


[User] You're leaving?

[Assistant] There's a dozen people here who can save you. I'm apparently the only one who can save this other guy.


[User] Hanna's freaking out. She's having a panic attack. She can't breathe. She's gonna rip out all her IVs.

[Assistant] (zipping up his jacket) So calm her down.


[User] She wants you.

[Assistant] I'm flattered. Give her oxygen. (He starts up the bike engine)


[User] You only came back because I freaked out. Right?

[Assistant] Not at all. I just realized how... big and scary the world is and how cozy and safe this little place is. (He takes off his leather jacket)


[User] Thank you. I'm sorry I needed you.

[Assistant] Here. Call your husband.


[User] (into the phone) Charlie? I'm here in... They called you? They're helping me. Are you coming? (breathing hard) I don't know how this could happen. It's your birthday. I'm so sorry.

[Assistant] See? This is why I lied about the phone. Your BP is spiking, so you're bleeding faster from your leg wound. I'm gonna have less time to save it. Hang up.


[User] Okay. (to Charlie) Okay, they're telling me I have to go.

[Assistant] That was stupid of me.


[User] It was nice.

[Assistant] I don't see that as a contradiction.


[User] He was already on his way. He was in Baltimore, and they all saw it on the news. How Many people were hurt?

[Assistant] What did I tell you about not raising your blood pressure?


[User] Can I ask what's wrong with your leg?

[Assistant] Crane fell on it. (Hanna laughs) Small world.


[User] (smiling) You could have just said no.

[Assistant] I'll remember that for my next huMan contact.


[User] Would you pray with me?

[Assistant] No. I'm not in the habit of encouraging my Patients' superstitions.


[User] How is that a habit? You plan on getting trapped under a building again?

[Assistant] I don't beliEve in God.


[User] I always thought... If I did the right thing, if I treated people right, then good things would happen to me. You think that's how it works?

[Assistant] I didn't use to. Then recently I tried... Now I don't know.


[User] (to House) You think we can be friends when I get outta here?

[Assistant] Yeah. We'll catch a ball game or... group sex show or something.


[User] (handing House a wedge of wood) Put the cribbing in there.

[Assistant] Okay, now when the beam starts lifting, you're gonna feel pain. It's gonna be like your foot's gone to sleep times a billion. You'll notice that I'm waiting till now to tell you.


[User] I'm feeling the pain already.

[Assistant] That's good. That means the pressure's coming off. Much closer to getting out of here.


[User] Aah!

[Assistant] Come on. Pull her out. Come on!


[User] Aahhh!

[Assistant] Hanna! Hanna! What the hell happened?


[User] Lift this up.

[Assistant] One, two, three� Kit. Gimme the kit.


[User] All right.

[Assistant] No breath sounds on the left side. Tension pneumothorax. Okay, Hanna.


[User] (to House) Hey. You better get back up top and make sure you didn't nick an artery.

[Assistant] (holding Hanna's hand for a second) I'm gonna have to go.


[User] (bandaging his shoulder) You're lucky this isn't worse.

[Assistant] You know who's Even luckier? You and just about Every other huMan being (His cell phone rings) who wasn't down there. (answering the phone) What did the venogram say?


[User] He didn't say his neck was sore.

[Assistant] That's 'cause Everything's sore. He just took a 15-story swan dive into concrete. Do an LP.


[User] We also have to consider other infections.

[Assistant] So you're suggesting we do an LP.


[User] I guess I am.

[Assistant] Genius.


[User] Then we have to amputate.

[Assistant] No.


[User] It's been four hours already. It used to be a long shot. Now it's...crazy.

[Assistant] Crush syndrome is basically a buildup of potassium. If we remove potassium�


[User] We're already treating with sodium bicarbonate.

[Assistant] But not with glucose and Insulin. We have glucose in the kit. There's gotta be a diabetic here somewhere.


[User] You wanna dose the insulin here in a non-hospital setting? That is insane! It's not worth it.

[Assistant] (still rubbing his leg) Really? 'Cause I think I'm the only one here who knows what a leg is worth. And fortunately, you're not the one in charge � he is. And he knows that I'd testify against him if Hanna sues for cutting off a leg without exhausting Every option.


[User] I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me.

[Assistant] Really? (standing up and towering over her) Wow. So this is all about you now.


[User] You took her side against me right after you heard about my engagement.

[Assistant] Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist.


[User] I don't love you. So just... accept it and move on with your life instead of making Everyone miserable.

[Assistant] That's great. A life lesson from a middle-age single mom who's dating a Man-Parkld.


[User] Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done. (She walks away from him)

[Assistant] (calling after her) Fantastic. Just stay away from my Patient.


[User] (seeing him) Dr. House. Tell her.

[Assistant] Hanna... We have to amputate your leg. (Cuddy looks up at him, surprised)


[User] No. You said... that there was time.

[Assistant] There was. And it's run out.


[User] No.

[Assistant] You asked me how I'd hurt my leg. I had a blood clot, and the muscle was dying. And I had all these doctors telling me I should amputate, and I said no, and they did this... very risky operation. I almost died.


[User] (shivering) But you saved your leg.

[Assistant] I wish I hadn't. They cut out a chunk of muscle about the size of my fist, and they left me with this, mutilated, useless thing. I'm in pain... Every day. It changed me. Made me a harder person, a worse person. And now... Now I'm alone. You don't want to be like me. You've got a husband who loves you. You have friends. You can start a family. You have a life. And this... This is just a leg.


[User] (after a lengthy pause) Okay.

[Assistant] I got it. (He picks up the amputation kit, taking responsibility for the amputation upon himself) I can't put you out. It could depress your respiration too much. This should take away some of the pain. (He pushes a drug into her IV)


[User] Will it be quick?

[Assistant] I'll use a scalpel to slice through the skin, muscle, and fat. That should go pretty fast. Then I'll switch over to the electric saw when I get to the bone. It's two bones... About as thick as a broomstick. Takes about as long to get through. I'm gonna cut as close to the concrete, as I can, save as much of your limb as possible. Then the orthopedic surgeons back at the hospital will clean you up, have you fitted for a prosthetic. You'll be running circles around me in no time.


[User] How bad will it hurt?

[Assistant] Like nothing you've Ever felt before.


[User] I love you.

[Assistant] (into the phone) What?


[User] He's fallen into a coma. LP was clean, but...

[Assistant] What are his vitals?


[User] Excuse me, Officer.

[Assistant] What do you mean, Officer? How long has there been a cop there?


[User] I don't know. Ten minutes. He was being questioned when he fell into the coma.

[Assistant] Was anything else making him nervous or worried before his other symptoms?


[User] He was claustrophobic right before the bleed and before the fEver. We told him that he pRobably did fall asleep.

[Assistant] Was his BP spiking?


[User] But that didn't cause his first symptom.

[Assistant] Yeah, it did. All the caffeine. We thought the pRoblem was in his toilet � by that, of course, I mean his head. Which distracted us from the fact that it could have been just a clog in his sewer pipe, and by that, of course, I mean his spinal cord. And blah, blah, blah, blah. You get the idea.


[User] An arachnoid cyst on his lower spine. That's why we missed it. He's been sitting ten hours a day. Spiked his spinal fluid pressure.

[Assistant] Run a CT�


[User] I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

[Assistant] Breath sounds bilaterally. It's not another pneumothorax. (He puts his hands on both sides of her neck and turns her head from side to side) Neck vein's flat. There's no tamponade. (to himself) Damn it, I went in too high. (to Hanna) Hanna, you've got a clot in your lung. I'm gonna fix this. (to the EMT) IV streptokinase.


[User] What's happening. What's going on?

[Assistant] Her body won't get any oxygen unless we can bust the clot. This is a blood thinner.


[User] Is she gonna be all right?

[Assistant] It's gonna make her bleed more. We'll take care of that next. It's not busting the clot.


[User] What?

[Assistant] It's not a clot. It's a fat embolism. From the amputation.


[User] You can't blame yourself for her death. This wasn't your fault.

[Assistant] (turning toward Foreman and shouting) That's the point! I did Everything right. She died anyway. Why the hell do you think that would make me feel any better?


[User] You shouldn't be alone right now. You're bleeding.

[Assistant] (standing up and sounding menacing) I'm gonna give you a task as an employee. Get out of my way.


[User] Obviously not.

[Assistant] (inhaling) You going to leap across the room and grab them out of my hand?


[User] No. It's your choice if you want to go back on drugs.

[Assistant] Okay. Just so you know, I'm finding it hard to see the downside.


[User] You need to re-bandage your shoulder.

[Assistant] Is that why you're here? Foreman sent you?


[User] No.

[Assistant] You here to yell at me again?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Well, I'm running out of ideas.


[User] Lucas...

[Assistant] Oh, great. You're feeling uncomfortable again. PRobably means you just got back from some quickie wedding in Vegas or you're already pregnant.


[User] I ended it.

[Assistant] (shocked) What?


[User] I'm stuck, House. (sighing deeply) I keep wanting to move forward. I keep wanting to move on, and I can't. I mean, my new House, with my new fianc�, and all I can think about is you. (exhaling) I just need to know if you and I can work.

[Assistant] You think I can fix myself?


[User] I don't know.

[Assistant] 'Cause I'm the most screwed-up person in the world.


[User] I know. I love you. (pause) I wish I didn't. But I can't help it.

[Assistant] How do I know I'm not hallucinating?


[User] Did you take the Vicodin?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] (smiling sweetly) Then I think we're okay.

[Assistant] (also smiling sweetly, yes, sweetly) Yeah.


[User] [voice over] It's your choice if you wanna go back on drugs.

[Assistant] You think I can fix myself?


[User] [softly] Let me see. [She peels the bandage off the wound on his neck.] It's okay. [He pulls his head away. She inhales sharply.] It's gonna get infected.

[Assistant] Hey, you're not gonna... [He closes his eyes, embarrassed.] You are. [She slides off his jeans, kneeling in the process. His scar is at her eye lEvel. She strokes it. He is upset.] No. Don't, don't.


[User] It's okay. I love you.

[Assistant] So now what?


[User] [curling back onto her side] Everything's good. We don't have to talk through it all.

[Assistant] No, I meant it literally. Now what? We could make breakfast. We could go bowling. [He lifts the sheet, checks and drops it back in place.] We could stay here.


[User] I have to go home and get dressed and go to work.

[Assistant] So that's it?


[User] I'm hoping this is the beginning of it.

[Assistant] [very quietly] Yeah. [A cell phone rings. Cuddy reaches over and picks it up. They both look at the caller ID.] Your assistant's new. It's a 50/50 chance he just... can't find the light switch. [He takes the phone from her and answers it.] Hello?


[User] Dr. Cuddy?

[Assistant] No, this is Dr. Cuddy's nanny. She's, uh, feeling a little under the weather now, so she won't be coming in today.


[User] Oh. I hope she's all right. Would you mind asking her if�

[Assistant] No. Can't do that. I'm afraid she's locked in the bathroom. Terrible bug going around. What's the pRoblem?


[User] Well, I'm sorry to disturb her, but it's Dr. Richardson. He must have the same stomach flu. He threw up in the O.R., and I'm not sure how she'd want me to�

[Assistant] Hold on a second. [He pulls the phone away from his ear and holds it on his chest for a literal second before resuming the conversation] I've talked to Dr. Cuddy, and she would like you to do three things : One � send him home, two � sterilize the O.R., three � use your own brain. See ya. [to Cuddy] It's about puke. That's what's so important. Puke.


[User] There's glass Everywhere. Couldn't you have just put the mirror down nice and gentle?

[Assistant] I was in a mood.


[User] I'll be right back.

[Assistant] Don't get that.


[User] It could be important.

[Assistant] This is important. [She looks exasperated.] Right now, we are more important than what's going on at the hospital. So...I say we turn off our phones and... give the morning to us.


[User] Okay. I'll go turn it off.

[Assistant] Thank you. [She leaves. When she comes back, she sits on the edge of the tub. Her hands are empty.] You're distracted.


[User] I'm not.

[Assistant] Yeah, you are. You turned off your phone but you're still wondering, "What could it have been? What emergency will bring down the entire hospital if I decide to take the morning off?"


[User] I'm sorry. The clinic is facing reduced funding from the state. Nurse Jeffrey is filing his 12th H.R. complaint. Richardson is threatening to quit because he's basically been a prisoner at the hospital for almost a week.

[Assistant] Richardson?


[User] The neurosurgeon. He's the only one I have right now, which means he has to stay on the premises at all times, or else the hospital technically isn't a lEvel one trauma center.

[Assistant] Which means?


[User] I'd have to shut down the E.R., transfer all of the Patients out of the ICU...

[Assistant] [gets up] Okay, stop. Turn around.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because you need to relax.


[User] Where are we going?

[Assistant] I am going to make you a magical bath. It will have bubbles and eastern spices and blue diamonds and green clovers... transformative powers. But! I must have solitude to focus my creative energies.


[User] Hello?

[Assistant] Interesting factoid. Did you know that if we don't have a neurosurgeon on the premises, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies?


[User] Yeah. You got a note from Thirteen.

[Assistant] So how come we don't have, like, five neurosurgeons?


[User] Well, we had three, but Kapur retired, and then Nichols just took off for his daughter's wedding.

[Assistant] I've got good news. For the next 16 hours, you are the new neurosurgeon.


[User] [scoffing] I'm not a neurosurgeon.

[Assistant] Which would matter if you actually had to do some neurosurgery.


[User] House, it's a hospital. The odds of having to do neurosurgery are higher than in most places.

[Assistant] If an EMT calls in with a brain or spinal trauma, just divert them to the nearest hospital. All you gotta do is stand around and keep the E.R. open. It's an administrative pRoblem, not a medical one.


[User] House, where the hell are you?

[Assistant] Great. Glad you're on it. [hangs up and calls to Cuddy] All systems go!


[User] Oh. Well, that makes it all right then.

[Assistant] So what, exactly, is this? It can still be open and casual and fun if you want.


[User] Open? [She looks up at him.] You think I want to see other people?

[Assistant] Well, last night was emotional for you. [He kisses the top of her head.] We both lost that Patient. We watched people die. I came back here and I went for the Vicodin, and you... dumped your fianc� and you came here.


[User] Which I don't regret.

[Assistant] I'm not saying you do. I'm just saying it was an impulsive move.


[User] Don't do this. Why do you have to analyze things to death? Why can't you just... let it be nice?

[Assistant] [deep breath] You're right. [He squeezes his eyes shut.] That was very anti-secret bath.


[User] House.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] The secret bath is... burning my lady parts.

[Assistant] How do you think my [whispers] anus feels? Burning means it's working.


[User] Can we get out now?

[Assistant] I was so waiting for you to say that.


[User] I'm... not a neurosurgeon?

[Assistant] And...voila! For the first course, I flaked some tender young ears of corn on the side of assorted exotic breakfast meats in a Parkli sauce reduction.


[User] And the... second course?

[Assistant] [sitting] A single grape. To cleanse the palate. Which is kind of a waste, 'cause there is no third course.


[User] I'm glad we stayed in. This is actually... pretty good.

[Assistant] I can always tell when you lie. I mean always.


[User] I slept with my freshMan roommate.

[Assistant] A lie.


[User] A truth.

[Assistant] You have a tell.


[User] What is it?

[Assistant] First admit that you were lying.


[User] Fine. I was lying. My sexual history is boring and predictable. What is my tell?

[Assistant] Are you kidding? If I tell you your tell, you'll get rid of it, then I won't be able to tell.


[User] Well, then you have to tell me something I don't already know about you.

[Assistant] Even though, technically, you didn't tell me something that I didn't already know about you.


[User] Quit being so damn logical and just tell me.

[Assistant] I used to have an intimate relationship with a photograph of you. Well, actually, a sock and a photograph.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] I was lying.


[User] The photo you took of me as Sleeping Beauty on Halloween. Why else would you take that picture?

[Assistant] I have to pee. [He gets up, holding his leg, and starts for the bathroom.] Ha! You can't tell. 'Cause actually, I have to poo. [whispers] What?


[User] Cuddy's assistant decided to use his own brain. Who put that idiot idea into his head?

[Assistant] Perhaps you could follow the same advice.


[User] He notified DPH that there's no neurosurgeon on the premises. Said he legally had to, which he legally had to.

[Assistant] Sounds like you got the situation under control.


[User] No. I don't. You know I don't. When DPH shows up, they're gonna shut down our E.R. This can't be fixed. It is what it is, House.

[Assistant] Great. I've got Every faith in your ability to solve the pRoblem.


[User] Can I open them yet?

[Assistant] Just a second. [A few heavy steps are heard.] Okay. Hold out your hand.


[User] Oh...

[Assistant] [produces a bottle of champagne from behind his back] I always wanted to open a bottle of champagne with one of these things. You might wanna stand behind me for this. Okay... [He slices the sword up the bottle and shatters it.] Yeah! [He and Cuddy are both laughing.] Mm, I think I might have... got that slightly wrong. Well, good thing I got a case.


[User] [quietly] Just let him in.

[Assistant] No.


[User] [pounding again] House!

[Assistant] If we just ignore him, he'll go away.


[User] [more pounding] House!

[Assistant] [whispering] I think he finally left. But just in case he hasn't, what can we do that does not involve talking? [She smiles and they lean in for a kiss. There's a clanging noise. House's phone, which is in the ice bucket, rings. He grabs it.] You turned on my ringer!


[User] Just let him in.

[Assistant] No! He's like a stray... he'll eat Everything, shed all over the place, and crap on the floor. [answering the phone] Hi. This is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine, not suicidal, not on drugs, coping very well with the loss of my last Patient. So feel free to go about your day without worry. Beep!


[User] House. You can't just not show up to work. What's Cuddy gonna say?

[Assistant] If this is still Wilson... she gave me the day off. And tomorrow. [Cuddy gives him a look.] Okay, maybe not tomorrow. But today. I'm fine. Now, go away. [pause] Beep!


[User] Why didn't you let him in?

[Assistant] You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool! So was I.


[User] You were hiding me from him. Why?

[Assistant] I was not hiding you. I was protecting your privacy. Wasn't sure if you were ready to go public with the whole... "us" thing yet.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] You think I'm afraid to go public? I'm gonna prove you wrong. With a sex tape. We'll send it to Wilson. It's a win-win. We get to do it again, and... he might actually learn something.


[User] Hey.

[Assistant] Stuck? Bummer. Looks painful. [He lowers the sword then uses it to scoop the tea kettle from the stove.] Chamomile or English breakfast?


[User] Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here?

[Assistant] [fills the kettle] You didn't get my message earlier?


[User] Yeah. But as someone once told me, Everybody lies.

[Assistant] [puts the kettle on the stove] I'm fine. Just staying home, Parkll-laxin'.


[User] Your Patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door. I don't think you're fine. I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year.

[Assistant] Or... I'm ignoring you for a different reason. [confidentially] Sex with my girlfriend.


[User] Hmm. [pushes at the window again] Will you please just � please let me in? [House slides the window up then wheels the trolley "� and Wilson "� into the kitchen. After a moment, Wilson lowers his feet from the window sill and stands.] Thank you. And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends?

[Assistant] She's not a hooker.


[User] [looking around] What are � wha � really?

[Assistant] Begins with "C", ends with "uddy."�


[User] [huge sigh] How Many Vicodin have you taken?

[Assistant] I'm serious. Cuddy and I are now Cuddy and I. There's an "I" in Cuddy.


[User] House... it's okay. Almost all addicts relapse a few times.

[Assistant] [gesturing for Wilson to follow him] She's in my bedroom.


[User] You're hallucinating, House.

[Assistant] [calling as they walk down the hall] Honey buns! We got company.


[User] Pupils are normal. Pulse is normal.

[Assistant] Better than that. They're both totally awesome. I'm not on drugs.


[User] So... why did you lie about Cuddy?

[Assistant] To make a point. PRobably something to do with shutting you up. It's my go-to idea.


[User] You do seem okay. You want me to stick around? I could do my usual thing of pretending I like watParkng monster truck rallies, if that would make you feel better.

[Assistant] No. You go.


[User] House... you could have died. You had a Patient who did die in your arms. You shouldn't be alone.

[Assistant] I know. That's why I called a hooker. [hops down and escorts Wilson to the living room] Now, go away. 'Cause... you'll be extra.


[User] Are you really okay?

[Assistant] Are you gonna break in again? You checked my pulse. You checked my pupils. I'll mail you the urine sample.


[User] No. I approve. Living fast and dying young is crap. If you have a chance to get better... I say good for you.

[Assistant] I brought Wilson in here specifically to go public, just like you requested.


[User] I pressured you. Wilson coming through the window pressured you. If you're forced into this, it's not gonna work. [long pause] Do you have any response to that?

[Assistant] Game on.


[User] "Design" for five points.

[Assistant] Got it.


[User] "Hear."

[Assistant] Got it. Both versions.


[User] "Love." [pause. He looks up.] You didn't see love.

[Assistant] Wow. I didn't think you'd take my lack of board game skills so personally.


[User] Why didn't you tell me you loved me?

[Assistant] Didn't a wise Woman once say � and by once, I mean two hours ago � "why do you have to analyze Everything to death? Why can't this just be nice?"


[User] [puts down her pad] I told you I loved you. You didn't tell me you loved me back. You don't think that should give me cause for concern?

[Assistant] No. 'Cause words don't matter. Actions matter.


[User] You're really gonna take a stand here. You can't say�

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Because... I forgot to grab a "v."


[User] Um... France. And not Paris or the Rivera, but there's this place in NorMandy. It's on a... a tidal island. Everyone who's not staying in one of the small inns has to leave before the tide comes in. You have this 900-year-old fortress all to yourself. It's called...

[Assistant] Mont Saint-Michel?


[User] That's it. Have you been there?

[Assistant] Nope. But I got a pretty good idea what it looks like. [He turns the computer toward her, taps a button and the screen is filled with a picture of Mont Saint-Michel.]


[User] H"�how did you know?

[Assistant] You used to have a picture of it as a screensaver.


[User] That was years ago.

[Assistant] I guess it's a memorable place. [turns the computer toward himself again] Now, unfortunately, we can't fly straight to NorMandy, but the layover in London's only a couple of hours.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] It's all there. [shows her a screen of travel information] All you gotta do is click confirm, and we're eating croissant and being insulted by stinky people this time tomorrow. Don't worry. I used Wilson's credit card.


[User] I can't.

[Assistant] I'm kidding. I used your credit card.


[User] House...

[Assistant] The hospital does not need your body. I do.


[User] So does my daughter.

[Assistant] Well, she can come too. Or to grandmother's House she can go.


[User] This is crazy.

[Assistant] [His face starts to get the closed, guarded look it usually has.] So...you break off your engagement, but you won't adjust your schedule.


[User] I can't. Not... tomorrow. But... two weekends from now. If Rachel's gonna stay with my mom, I'm gonna need a little bit of prep time.

[Assistant] [His face softens and he smiles slightly.] Okay.


[User] Thank you. For Everything.

[Assistant] You're welcome. For Everything.


[User] I'll see you tomorrow. [She goes to the door. He hasn't moved. His head hangs a bit.] I really do have to leave.

[Assistant] [nods, quietly] I know.


[User] What's the pRoblem?

[Assistant] This isn't gonna work.


[User] That's it? You can't just... say that and shut up.

[Assistant] It's just a statement of fact. It's not a Debatable proposition.


[User] Right. Because you can see the future.

[Assistant] No. But I can see the past. And you're gonna remember all the horrible things I've done, and you're gonna try to convince yourself that I've changed. And I'm gonna start doing those horrible things again, because I haven't changed. Then you'll realize that... I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there, it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this... was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true.


[User] The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You just don't expect it to last.

[Assistant] 'Cause it doesn't.


[User] You don't know that.

[Assistant] I've done horrible things to you. And I'll do horrible things again to you. But because of one stupid moment with a dying girl and a pile of rubble... you think I can change. Tell me where I'm wrong.


[User] I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always gonna be screwed up. But you're the most incredible Man I've Ever known. [near tears] You are always gonna be... the most incredible Man I have Ever known. So unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.

[Assistant] [quietly, sincerely] I love you.


[User] [smiling] It's gonna be great.

[Assistant] [almost inaudible] Yeah.


[User] That wasn't what I meant. (He turns around and sees his sister on the floor). Della? You okay? Mom! Dad!

[Assistant] We got to stop Parking like this. People are gonna talk.


[User] Well, that's why I plan on doing some talking first. (She pats his arm). I want us to formally report our relationship to HuMan Resources.

[Assistant] Okay. You get them, I'll cover Everybody else. (He pushes the elevator button with the tip of his cane).


[User] I would appreciate it if we could keep it quiet until we had that meeting.

[Assistant] It's gonna be hard with me grabbing your ass all day.


[User] Grabbing stops at the threshold... (House grabs her ass, firmly; she jumps a little)... of the Parking garage.

[Assistant] Handicapped plates. I got special access. (She smiles and frees herself; they enter the elevator).


[User] You haven't seen it yet.

[Assistant] I sense something fascinating about it.


[User] Mom... (Seriously) Fine. People are gonna know soon enough. I think I can hold it till lunch. (He almost smiles. Cuddy smiles back and goes to her office. House watch her going and looks quite happy.)

[Assistant] I'm seeing Cuddy. (All heads up). Generally, without her clothes on. Use your imagination. Hope it's got a wide-angle lens. (He chuckles. They all stare at him, looking confused. He takes back the file Wilson was reading). You don't actually need that.


[User] I'm gonna check my office for whoopee cushions.

[Assistant] This is not a prank.


[User] Really? You and Cuddy?

[Assistant] For realz. Foreman can translate. So Junior Miss Everything � skateboarder, basketballer, science clubber, seal clubber (Pauses). I'm actually guessing with that last one. Healthy one day, heart arrhythmia the next.


[User] EKG, echo and head CT are all spotless. There's nothing on her neurological exam.

[Assistant] Interesting. (He points his cane at Foreman, then Taub, then Chase) In favor, indignant, indifferent. Think I'd like a female perspective. Or Thirteen's. Where is she?


[User] Three years, you've been trying to game out Thirteen. Now you don't care?

[Assistant] Sorry. Not caring about Thirteen is not part of the differential for heart arrhythmia, but you do get a home version of the game.


[User] Patient's brother has sEvere, congenital muscular dystrophy. Life expectancy of about 25. If she's had a latent case of it...

[Assistant] Wouldn't be sudden onset. Foreman!


[User] Do you know something about Thirteen that we don't?

[Assistant] She's entitled to her privacy. Just as I'm entitled to a diagnosis.


[User] And you're glossing over Thirteen's departure because you actually respect somebody's privacy?

[Assistant] I agree. It's weird of me not to care. So either I'm a changed Man because of Cuddy, or I'm pretending to be a changed Man because I do know something about Thirteen and I'm trying to throw you off the scent, or I've just gone nutty bananas because I lost a Patient. All of which you are free to discuss (Articulating) after I get a diagnosis.


[User] If it's Long QT Syndrome, any startling stimulus in that skate Park could have triggered the arrhythmia. Loud noise, flashing lights.

[Assistant] Scare the Patient to death to confirm Long QT. (They all frown. House shrugs). Fine. If you insist, do it in a room with one of those thingamabobs that brings people back to life.


[User] Right. The guy who ordered us to stop the Patient's heart has mellowed out. It's gonna be horrible because it's doomed, which is just gonna make House 50 times more of a crank. (Has an epiphany). Firecrackers! We can hide 'em under one of those covered food trays. (Taub leaves hastily. Foreman looks worried).

[Assistant] Find any itParkng powder in your hanky? Any fake poo in your desk drawer?


[User] You told Everybody, didn't you?

[Assistant] Repeatedly. This one's not buying it. Need a little help.


[User] House, you've been to HuMan Resources 74 times in the last six weeks.

[Assistant] NEver after doing this. (He bends down to kiss Cuddy, who stops him).


[User] It's a sexual relationship.

[Assistant] Go slowly now. He's writing it down.


[User] Uh, we'll also need to watch for any favoritism toward Dr. House. (House takes out a pen, hands it to Cuddy; she signs the file).

[Assistant] Does that mean she has to sleep with Everyone?


[User] I promise not to give him a raise or a promotion of any kind.

[Assistant] There's got to be a joke there about keeping up with inflation.


[User] Or bias against him. Are there any supervisory issues with Dr. House's current case load?

[Assistant] No, her case is solved. Patient has Long QT. Gonna scare her into cardiac arrest to confirm it.


[User] No, we're not.

[Assistant] Okay, no, we're not. (He pockets the pen). See? Everything's under control. (He smiles).


[User] I know you're still planning your ridiculous scare test. The Patient is nowhere near sick enough to justify the risk. An angiogram and an E.P. study are much safer and very effective.

[Assistant] Fair point. Not doing the scare test. (Cuddy stops walking. House turns back to her). I'd invite you to watch me not doing the test, but having not done it Many times before, trust me, it's pretty not interesting.


[User] House?

[Assistant] Scare test was not approved. Do an angio and E.P. study instead.


[User] House, I was expecting your relationship with Cuddy to compliCate our work long-term. (House turns back, gives him a Patient, fake-polite look). I am now concerned it might be affecting us short-term. All due respect.

[Assistant] None taken. I listen to Cuddy all the time. She's my boss. Also yours, by the way.


[User] You'd listen, then tell her she's being an idiot, and do whatEver you want.

[Assistant] I find I can skip the idiot part when she's not being an idiot, and since the scare test would have led to the same dead end, she was right to stop it. Which means your pRoblem's about you.


[User] This should be interesting.

[Assistant] Losers love company. And if Even a misanthrope like me has a chance at happiness, it's gonna be pretty lonely on that landfill of loserdom you call a marriage. (Taub looks a little hurt, Foreman smiles. House opens the Patient's file). Heart, kidneys, go.


[User] What about protein deposits? They wouldn't show in her parents' history.

[Assistant] Amyloidosis. Explains both the symptoms. Marrow transplant to treat. Brother's a match. (Gives Taub the file) Confirm and do.


[User] I been experiencing fatigue, and � and weakness.

[Assistant] Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you're... 102 years old.


[User] Usually he's strong as an ox.

[Assistant] 102-year-old ox.


[User] He has tingling in his feet and his legs. I want a full battery of tests.

[Assistant] Carbon dating?


[User] I'll pay cash if it's not covered.

[Assistant] That's nice of you to float your friend.


[User] Do the tests. I'm sick.

[Assistant] You have a bad case of natural causes.


[User] Do the damn tests.

[Assistant] If the vial fills with sand, we take that as a bad sign.


[User] Small pRoblem with the treatment.

[Assistant] Patient won't take marrow from steel wheels?


[User] We're finding another match. And how do you know?

[Assistant] What other pRoblem could there be with a pRoblem-free procedure? Boy's sports, science club, she's living his life, not hers. (He puts the file away, takes another, looks at Taub). Makes sense she's being a self-denying moron.


[User] She loves her brother. She's thinking selflessly. How is that at all�

[Assistant] Being moronic? Mm. If I can only think of a harm-free medical treatment she turned down lately.


[User] You're right. If Everyone were more selfish, the world would be a better place.

[Assistant] See? I can skip the idiot part when you're not being an idiot. (He turns to leave the Clinic. Wilson is leaning in the doorframe, arms crossed, with a huge smile on his face). Yeah, I had that same facial expression for the first 48 hours. Had another one too, but only for 15 seconds at a time. (They pass the door and walk together, as usual).


[User] I'm happy for you. You're happy for you. This is huge. So who's gonna supervise you?

[Assistant] Cuddy.


[User] Well, I guess maybe that can work.

[Assistant] Maybe? Nothing's changed.


[User] House, Everything's changed. You're sleeping together. You want something from her besides a sign-off on scaring your Patient to death.

[Assistant] You talked to Taub.


[User] He's worried about you.

[Assistant] He's a jerk.


[User] I'm worried too.

[Assistant] Do I need to say it?


[User] I want this to work.

[Assistant] I'm not doing anything differently. She changed my mind about one diagnostic test. And she was right. (He enters the elevator). Even though it's your emotional default, stop worrying. (He bows a little). I can handle it. (Elevator closes).


[User] It's not Amyloidosis. (Chase, Taub and a nurse take Della's bed to the OR. Taub is giving her oxygen. She gasps.)

[Assistant] She's bleeding to death. Out of her lung. I want to fill a quarter of it with foam.


[User] That'd stop the bleeding, all right.

[Assistant] Thought it made more sense than diet and exercise.


[User] Scalpel, rib spreader. (House is thinking hard).

[Assistant] I can't handle it.


[User] It's not completely bad, House. You care enough to pull your punches. That's not a bad thing. But you and Cuddy have got to figure out a way of avoiding this pRoblem. Set some ground rules.

[Assistant] Yeah (Wilson looks genuinely surprised). I have to avoid this pRoblem. If I can restrict our interactions to places where neither of us are wearing pants...


[User] Yeah, that's not avoiding the pRoblem, that's avoiding the issue.

[Assistant] Since avoidance is my plan for dealing with the issue, technically, that's not avoiding it. (He seems reliEved). Thanks.


[User] This time. No guarantee bowing to Cuddy will work next time. (House gives him a look).

[Assistant] Heart arrhythmia, kidney failure, and now bleeding lung.


[User] I don't want to criticize your girlfriend, but�

[Assistant] Hey, you've been on me for years to respect someone's opinion (He starts packing). Just 'cause I had to go outside this group to find one I respect. (Taub raises his eyebrows).


[User] What about Goodpasture's? Affects the lungs, kidneys.

[Assistant] And autoimmune explains the out of the blue arrhythmia. Goodpasture's it is. Immunosuppressants and plasmapheresis to treat, kidney biopsy to confirm. (He takes his backpack and leaves).


[User] Dr. House.

[Assistant] Don't tell me, your father's hairline is receding, and he needs more tests.


[User] He's 102. His next test is an autopsy. Look, I love the old Man, but I got to get him out of the damn House. He can't do anything without me. He needs to be in a care facility.

[Assistant] Well, so tell him. He's a big boy now.


[User] I can't. I'm his whole life. But if it comes from a doctor... (He holds out his wallet and slips House a twenty).

[Assistant] That's very generous. When you were 30.


[User] I didn't run into you all afternoon. I missed you.

[Assistant] Busy day.


[User] Maybe we should plan on lunch tomorrow.

[Assistant] PRoblem is, at lunch you tend to wear tops.(Cuddy smiles widely. He lifts the sheet and takes a look). This is much better. (Cuddy laughs. He smiles and kisses her forehead, then lifts himself and prepares to kiss her properly. The phone rings. Cuddy frowns. He reaches for his phone and answers. During the whole conversation, Cuddy caresses his forearm and traces one of his veins). Cuddy and I are naked. So I'm having trouble focusing. Use small words.


[User] Kidney biopsy was clean, so we rechecked the piece of her lung from the O.R.

[Assistant] You lost me. Sorry, who is this calling again?


[User] Taub's gone to the transplant committee. They may have found a donor lung.

[Assistant] So this call is purely expositional. (He shuts his cell phone and throws it away, then goes back to kissing Cuddy).


[User] I should really get dressed. I told the nanny I'd be home by 9 :00.

[Assistant] And I slipped the nanny 40 bucks, told her to stay till 10 :00.


[User] We know we're right about LAM. Tests confirmed it.

[Assistant] That leaves us with two options. Body's rejecting the new lung or we should have rejected the new lung because it's infected.


[User] If we give steroids for rejection, it'd make an infection worse. If we give antibiotics for infection, it'd make rejection worse.

[Assistant] Which worse is worse?


[User] If we treat for infection and we're wrong, she'll be dead within hours.

[Assistant] And if we treat for rejection and we're wrong?


[User] You're assuming her rejection's hyperacute. Odds are, it isn't.

[Assistant] Gotta head off the worst worse first. I studied under Dr. Seuss. Start with IV methylprednisolone for hyperacute rejection. If that fails, we'll switch her to broad-spectrum antibiotics and hope we're not too late. (They all get up and leave, except Taub who does not move and looks at his nails.) Cat got your legs?


[User] We just decided to give meds that could kill the Patient based on a guess. You need approval from Cuddy, and she'll want to take the safer course, and you're gonna fold like an origami crane, so... (He takes the file). I'll just wait here till we get our actual orders.

[Assistant] Fine. You do it. (Taub freezes, file in hand). Tell her she's being an idiot for always choosing the safer course. She's sitting on her ample, if well-formed, bureaucratic ass while our Patient's dying. We'll see who folds like an origami shrimp.


[User] You want me to get Cuddy's approval?

[Assistant] I gotta be somewhere important.


[User] Sitting at your desk?

[Assistant] I'm running late. (He turns back to his office. Taub gets up and goes to see Cuddy).


[User] I can't do anything without him helping me like I'm senile. If I go back there, I'm gonna rip his throat out.

[Assistant] You sure you won't warm up to him over time?


[User] Skip the blood work. (House suppress a smile). Tell my son it's grim news. I need to be in a nursing home. A private room. (Pause) Make it a suite.

[Assistant] Be our little secret. (He pockets the note. Maurice goes to leave, but is stuck by a Very Angry Cuddy briskly entering House's office. Taub follows).


[User] I needed to be aggressive.

[Assistant] You're an idiot.


[User] The odds are against it being hyperacute rejection.

[Assistant] Stop. I agree with you (He gives a little sigh. Taub is speechless). That was our analysis from the start. (to Taub) If you've got a pRoblem with a team decision, you come to me. (to Cuddy, sheepishly) I'm sorry. I-I'll deal with him later. (Pleadingly) I said well-formed. (Cuddy leaves. House bends his head in defeat).


[User] The new lung's ruined, and it's not rejection or infection. The only two options were wrong.

[Assistant] Unless it's not LAM.


[User] It is LAM. The tests were positive.

[Assistant] Then the tests have to be wrong.


[User] Deep-fryer's working again. (Pointing at the salad) Still working on that?

[Assistant] No, it was here when I sat down. I need to think. (He gets up and leaves. Wilson stills, fork in hand).


[User] I want to make sure you're trying Everything to save my sister.

[Assistant] Everything? Well, that must be it. See, I thought you guys checked the box marked, "try Every other thing."


[User] I'm the one that's supposed to die first. I'm the damaged one, not her. She nEver Even gets a cold.

[Assistant] Damage has a way of spreading to Everyone around you. For example, your obvious emotional damage is now making me have a philosophical conversation instead of dealing with your sister. See how that might be damaging? (House starts to leave, then stops and turn back to Hugo). NEver? When was the last time you had a cold? Any minor aches, swelling, anything?


[User] It's been years. She nEver gets colds.

[Assistant] I didn't ask when's the last time she mentioned it. I asked when she had one � Even a tiny one. (He takes her oxygen mask away so she can speak).


[User] I barely noticed it until that skateboarding tournament in Denver.

[Assistant] How long ago?


[User] A... year? Cold's nothing when I think of what Hugo goes through Every day. (House puts her mask back in place).

[Assistant] Yeah, we get it. Your brother, the Saint. His sister, the Martyr. (He leaves the room. Taubs runs after him). Thank God you followed me. Now you can go back to the transplant committee while I get confirmation.


[User] Confirmation of what?

[Assistant] What causes low-lEvel cold symptoms for a year, can ruin two lungs, is immune to drug therapies, and gets worse in cities nicknamed "Mile-High"�?


[User] A clotting disorder?

[Assistant] She has a nasty case of sickle cell trait. Her heart arrhythmia wasn't sudden at all. Screwed-up blood cells screwed-up the blood vessels, which gave us a screwed-up positive for LAM. If she'd told us about her symptoms sooner � like Ever � she might not be dying. You were right after all.


[User] I nEver said sickle�

[Assistant] If Everyone were more selfish, the world would be a better place.


[User] So she's gonna die.

[Assistant] Unless we can find�


[User] She burned through one donor lung. Transplant committee's nEver gonna give her a second one.

[Assistant] Well, then I guess you're right again. (Thinking) Unless we don't need their approval.


[User] You can't advise your Patient's parents to take marrow and half a lung from their son!

[Assistant] I guess I can just chat with them about the weather. Blood tests just confirmed sickle cell trait. So they might be curious about the only treatment option. Though we are having weird weather lately.


[User] There is a huge reason not to take lungs from living Patients.

[Assistant] So their siblings can die?


[User] Their son has CMD. As it is, he's gonna die of respiratory failure by 25. We could cut whatEver time he has left in half.

[Assistant] That qualifies as a bad reason for them to reject the idea. It's a much worse reason for them not to get the choice.


[User] It's coercive to tell them! You Ever hear of "do no harm"?

[Assistant] That was second year, right? 'Cause I had mono all that fall.


[User] Their son's not Even our Patient. Why don't we just take half a lung from some guy in the clinic with a toothache?

[Assistant] That's a great idea. Now we can give the parents two options.


[User] Okay? Seriously! (House turns back ands puffs).

[Assistant] You made an argument. If you don't want me to defer to you, why make it at all?


[User] House... we are screwing this up. I'm gonna call HR, find someone else to supervise you as soon as I can.

[Assistant] I've got your... test results. (He shows them a Manila envelope labeled "test results"�). You have the metabolism, blood counts, liver and kidney function of a 92-year-old. Which is great, 'cause you're 102. What's not so great is the average life expectancy is 78. It is my recommendation that you move into a home with round-the-clock care.


[User] Can't my son give me round-the-clock care?

[Assistant] Not unless you've done your two-year certification in tiburon swab technology. (Maurice winks and nods in approval. House nods back, slightly).


[User] There must be some other way. Just because he has a little tingling and some trouble feeling hot and cold and some difficulty�

[Assistant] You can't feel hot and cold?


[User] Not lately. But at my age...

[Assistant] Show me your teeth. (He does so). Dentures. Fairly worn. I'm guessing ten years old. (The corner of his mouth twitches). Show me your denture cream. (Maurice searches in his pocket).


[User] Why would he carry denture cream?

[Assistant] Because... (Maurice hands him a tube. House takes it and reads the label). He has... zinc poisoning. But to get it from denture cream, he'd have to take so much of it � trust me, he nEver leaves home without it.


[User] About a tube a day. I buy it online (House smiles lightly). So what does this mean?

[Assistant] Bizarrely, it explains all your symptoms. Better-fitting dentures, you'll be fine. Medically, there's no reason to go anywhere. (Maurice and Sidney look at each other. House starts to leave, changes his mind, sighs, turns back and holds out his wallet. He gives Maurice his one hundred back and hands Sidney a twenty). Hospital rebate. You might wanna... put it towards couples therapy.


[User] The transplant committee's... nEver gonna give my daughter another lung, are they?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Are there any other options?

[Assistant] We're looking into it.


[User] Looking into what? Please. Tell me. Give me some kind of hope.

[Assistant] I'm afraid I can't do that.


[User] We're talking about my daughter's life. What can't you tell me? If there's any... chance you can save her, anything you can try...

[Assistant] We can take marrow and half a lung from your son. It would likely shorten his life significantly. He'd nEver be able to go on a respirator if he needed to. Most people with CMD need to as their respiratory function declines.


[User] How long... do we have to decide?

[Assistant] Morning at the latest.


[User] HR can't find you a new supervisor.

[Assistant] How come?


[User] Because you're unsupervisable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit.

[Assistant] Well, I guess we're stuck with each other.


[User] You told them?

[Assistant] I told him. He came to my office. I'm sorry.


[User] Well... I should pRobably be more mad at you.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] House! (During the whole following exchange, they yell at each other) :

[Assistant] Are you gonna pretend that you're not choosing your own daughter's death?


[User] Our daughter doesn't want it.

[Assistant] PRobably doesn't wanna floss her teeth either. She's a mindless teenybopper.


[User] Don't put this on them.

[Assistant] What do you mean, put it on? It is on them! As much as they may wanna pass the lung here!


[User] Of course they do! You're handing them an impossible choice.

[Assistant] Life has handed them a crappy choice, and they're picking the crappier option � trading who knows how Many healthy decades for four or five years in which roller boy will be a limp rag.


[User] Not Everything is a math equation.

[Assistant] Do you need me to explain the difference between decade and year?


[User] Their son is a huMan being. You know what they are, right? Intrinsic value. We don't get to decide�

[Assistant] And we do it Every day. If the two of them needed the same lung�


[User] He needs to keep the one he's got. You don't get to play God by ripping out�

[Assistant] That train left the station when we learned to do transplants. The rest is just paper-pushing. Of course, now we're on to your real area of expertise.


[User] You do so Many great things. I just watch. I get to watch and coach and cheer. But that's not me out there. It nEver will be. If you take this piece of me, carry it with you... then I really can share in Everything you do. (The parents stare at them). This is the great thing I can do with my life. Don't make me live without you.

[Assistant] We got lucky. (Pushes the elevator button with his cane). I did give them an impossible choice. The kid took it away from them.


[User] (looking around the room) Miss Tanner. Miss Tanner. (seeing Alice on the floor behind the desk) Oh, dear God.

[Assistant] (Holding up two stuffed animals) Which of these says "I want to sleep with you" more? Penguin or beaver? Beaver, beaver, beaver. You're right, it's too high school.


[User] What did you do to piss Cuddy off?

[Assistant] (putting the animals back) I can't be roMantic?


[User] House, you're stealing from a Woman in a coma.

[Assistant] We're fine. NEver seen her happier.


[User] Yeah? How about you?

[Assistant] I'm... worried.


[User] Because she's happy?

[Assistant] (walking past Wilson and out the door) No, because I am.


[User] House, that's�

[Assistant] (turning to face Wilson) Ironic? Weird? Crazy?


[User] (He follows House as he walks down the hall) I was going to say normal.

[Assistant] For now. We're in the Honeymoon period. Our brains are flooded with endorphins. Once she snaps out of it, where does that leave us?


[User] In an adult relationship.

[Assistant] Name one thing that Cuddy and I have in common besides work.


[User] There's... You're both... Wait.

[Assistant] Exactly. Long-term relationships are based on compatibility, and right now we only have sex.


[User] House, you don't actually think she'd dump you because you, what, don't do yoga? Listen to the B-52s?

[Assistant] Not right away. We'll fight, makeup sex, fight, maybe sex, and then she'll dump me. With possible goodbye sex.


[User] So, instead of enjoying the Honeymoon phase, you've decided to skip it entirely.

[Assistant] I need to find something that we both like doing besides each other.


[User] Right. Or you could just talk to her about it.

[Assistant] No, then she'll start pretending to like things that she really doesn't just to make me feel better, which will make her feel Even worse, which won't be my fault, so I'll resent her, and that won't be her fault, so she'll resent me. (stopping at an elevator, House pushes the call button) At least with my plan I get my one a day with iron till the bitter end. (The elevator door opens and House steps in, with Wilson right behind him) Is there a reason why you're following me?


[User] There's nothing wrong with me. My maid just overreacted.

[Assistant] Great. (He pushes aside the curtain with his cane) This won't take long then.


[User] I fainted.

[Assistant] Huge Jack Cannon fan, by the way. Love your books.


[User] Really? My fans tend to be overly-annoying teenaged girls.

[Assistant] (pulling a lightscope out of his breast pocket) I know. All they care about is who's hotter, Jack or Deacon. Like Sarah can't love both of them. I may belong to one or two online fan clubs. (He looks into her eyes with the lightscope) How's the new book coming along?


[User] I don't talk about my work.

[Assistant] 'Kay. How about nodding your head to a few yes/no questions?


[User] (shaking her head no) But I'll make you a deal. You finish this exam quickly, and I'll answer one question.

[Assistant] About anything?


[User] Anything. Who was Jack's real father, who kidnapped his Uncle...

[Assistant] (dropping both their hands) Deal. I will have to go with, why'd you try to kill yourself? Burn on the side of your face is caused by gunpowder, so, change your mind at the last second, or you just a lousy shot?


[User] I'm out of here.

[Assistant] Can't. We had a deal.


[User] Try and stop me.

[Assistant] Okay. (loudly to the whole room) This Woman is on a 72-hour psyParkatric hold. If she tries to run, shoot her. With a sedative, if that's more convenient.


[User] You called us back to work because a lady might have had a seizure.

[Assistant] A seizure while trying to commit suicide.


[User] (who has arrived from inside the hospital) So send her for a psych eval. What's that got to do with us?

[Assistant] What is the matter with you people? We're talking about a huMan being who's suffering. You're right. That's not enough. She is also the writer of Jack Cannon: Boy Detective, beloved by millions around the world.


[User] By girls between 10 and 14.

[Assistant] Look, the point is if she kills herself, millions of fans of all ages and genders will be very disappointed.


[User] So we're taking this case 'cause you're a fan?

[Assistant] No, that would be crazy and unprofessional. You're taking this case 'cause I said so. You and Taub do a full workup. Observe her overnight. See if she has another seizure. (looking at Chase) You can go.


[User] Why does he get the night off?

[Assistant] Because he brought a "smokin'"� hot babe.


[User] I have plans with my wife.

[Assistant] Yeah, nice try, but you hate your personal life. (to Foreman before he can protest) And you obviously don't have one. Hey. (He pulls a red flower out of his bouquet and hands it to Chase who takes it and turns to join the young Woman) I'd stay myself, but I just bought the flowers. (House leaves Taub and Foreman to observe Alice overnight) Reservation for Dominica's isn't till 8:00, so we got plenty of time.


[User] We need to pick something up from a haunted House?

[Assistant] This is a Gothic Revival masterpiece. I hope one day to live in a House like this.


[User] Your friend's a writer?

[Assistant] One of the best. She wants me to read her latest Manuscript.


[User] (browsing the bookshelves) Alice Tanner. Why does that name sound familiar?

[Assistant] I gave you a couple of her books a few years ago.


[User] (approaParkng House) No. She's the Woman you put on the psych hold. This isn't a date. We're on a case.

[Assistant] Ever hear of multitasking?


[User] Did you steal her keys?

[Assistant] Think I'd take the Dean of Medicine on a "B"� and "E"�


[User] How did you get in here?

[Assistant] (to Cuddy) Well, I guess you have your answer.


[User] House, Christina has agreed to not call the police.

[Assistant] She's pRobably illegal. Same reason she didn't report the suicide attempt.


[User] I call 911. But when Miss Tanner woke up, she say she will fire me if I say anything about the gun.

[Assistant] And if she whacks herself, what happens to your job?


[User] I think she's a very depressed person. NEver goes out, doesn't have friends. She has all this money, but all she does is write.

[Assistant] I need to see her latest Manuscript.


[User] Yes. Her back and her hands hurt a lot.

[Assistant] A writer with back and hand pain. That's very helpful. Let's go.


[User] Sometimes I hear her cry at night. When she thinks nobody's listening. I should have done something.

[Assistant] (lifting up the top of the typewriter) True.


[User] (to House) What are you doing?

[Assistant] Before there were hard drives, there were... (he holds up the ribbon reels) How Many of these does she eat a day?


[User] You. What do you want?

[Assistant] You wet the bed. Just not sure how yet.


[User] Mercury poisoning?

[Assistant] (just entering the room) Explains the seizures, hand and back pain, also the depression.


[User] She only asked for a Woman to waste time. She's cooperating just enough to get through the psych hold.

[Assistant] Put some lipstick on Chase and start chelation therapy. Confirm with another urine test. (The team stares uncertainly at House) Okay. I'll go talk to Cuddy. Maybe she'll let us borrow a dress too. (House leaves the conference room) Ahe"�ahem.


[User] This would be me ignoring you. (finally looking up) What if we got arrested last night? And whatEver happened to keeping our professional and personal lives separate?

[Assistant] I'm not the one talking about our relationship at work.


[User] What's behind your back?

[Assistant] Peace penguin.


[User] What room should I return it to?

[Assistant] 243. I need some help with Alice Tanner. She wants a vagina.


[User] I'm pretty attached to mine. I told you to hire a temporary replacement for Thirteen two weeks ago.

[Assistant] I've been busy.


[User] Doing what?

[Assistant] You. So you'll talk her out of it?


[User] You'll hire a Woman doctor?

[Assistant] You think we just sit around talking sports and belParkng and farting when the Parkcks aren't around? (he burps) By when?


[User] Next week.

[Assistant] Next week it is. (He leaves)


[User] What's that?

[Assistant] It's the new Jack Cannon novel. Suggestions?


[User] Yeah. Stop. It can't be done.

[Assistant] People wonder why you've nEver cured cancer.


[User] Did you get this before or after your date with Cuddy?

[Assistant] Eh, pRobably would have been a wiser choice.


[User] Huh. This is actually good, House. (He walks around to the front of the desk) She's committing crimes. What does that tell you?

[Assistant] I'm a horrible influence.


[User] True. A horrible influence she's reaParkng out to. She's looking for ways to connect. Sure, they're self-destructive, juvenile, and insane, (sitting down) but so are you. You do have something in common. You're both trying to find things you have in common.

[Assistant] And not finding them. (Wilson sighs)


[User] She's a writer and a recluse. I'd be more surprised if she didn't

[Assistant] What was she doing when it happened?


[User] Sitting in bed. She claims it was only in her imagination, but still.

[Assistant] When her BP spiked?


[User] Comparing Taub to her ex-husband. She really hated the guy.

[Assistant] Her first symptom was when she had a gun to her head. (peeling off the gloves) Excess adrenaline could explain seizures and skyrocketing BP.


[User] A pheochromocytoma.

[Assistant] Get an MRI and find it. Would you hold this? I meant now.


[User] It's not our fault. She signed the consent forms, denied there was any metal...

[Assistant] Normally I'd say it. Maybe this way it'll finally sink in. She wants to die. You cannot trust anything she says.


[User] Longer, if she doesn't stop lying to us. Or we could figure out a way to find it in the 39 hours left on her psych hold.

[Assistant] We need to make her cooperate. We have to offer her something she wants.


[User] She wants to kill herself House.

[Assistant] I can work with that. I want you to write more books.


[User] I'm done writing Jack Cannon's adventures. And when I get out of here, I'll just be done.

[Assistant] Now don't you say that, you dirty birdie. (He places his cane on top of a cabinet) You know, there are easier ways to go than shooting yourself in the head or tearing apart a limb. (He pulls a drug bottle and syringe out of his coat pocket) And this is one of them. The best part, you'll feel so good, you won't Even notice you're dead.


[User] You expect me to beliEve you're going to help me kill myself?

[Assistant] (filling the syringe from the bottle) You're the perceptive one. You tell me.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] We can't find your tumor in time without your cooperation. So I'm giving you a choice. Give us a chance to make you better, or stick this anywhere and push. (House holds up the full syringe)


[User] Why do you care about me? You think you know me because you read my books?

[Assistant] No. I know pain. You think you can handle it, and one day you can't. When that happens, you either find reasons to go on, or you don't.


[User] I'm... I'm all out of reasons.

[Assistant] Now. When you're pain free, you're gonna want to live and start writing again. And if I'm wrong, got a backup plan to take home with you.


[User] (taking the syringe) Okay.

[Assistant] Good choice. If I were you, I'd hide that if you want to keep it.


[User] I know the perfect place.

[Assistant] Morning, sunshine.


[User] You're a real bastard.

[Assistant] You were supposed to choose life.


[User] You're also an excellent liar.

[Assistant] Wasn't lying about the cure. If we find and remove that pesky, adrenaline-secreting tumor, you'll get better.


[User] You better hurry. My Lawyer will have me out of here this time tomorrow.

[Assistant] Yeah, about that, it seems that last night you found and self-administered what you thought was a potentially lethal narcotic. Your psych hold has been extended an additional 24 hours. I know. Bummer, right?


[User] You want to know something about my book?

[Assistant] Sure.


[User] You think you can get her to try to kill herself again? We're gonna need more time.

[Assistant] There might be a way to get her symptoms without asking her. If writers write what they know.


[User] I thought you said it was about a boy Detective.

[Assistant] And his mentor, Aunt Helen, who happens to be around the same age as Alice. Answers could be in the book.


[User] Great. You finish reading your typewriter ribbon yet?

[Assistant] Look for the tumor with the ultrasound.


[User] I drove across town to treat a ribbon?

[Assistant] That's why I prefer lying. It makes things easier.


[User] (entering the room) WhatEver he has you doing, stop.

[Assistant] (to Sam) You told him?


[User] He told me it was a matter of life and death.

[Assistant] It is. Patient wants to kill herself.


[User] Alice Tanner is your Patient?

[Assistant] (excitedly) You're a "fannon" too?


[User] (also excited) I'm team Deacon.

[Assistant] Oh, come on. Why can't she love them both?


[User] Does Cuddy know you're using the MRI for this?

[Assistant] Let's say yes.


[User] (to House) So do you think Jack finally hooks up with Sarah in this one?

[Assistant] No. Debbie Wright is his true love.


[User] She's dead.

[Assistant] Presumed! All we really know is�


[User] Wilson just told me we're going on a double date with him and Sam tonight.

[Assistant] You don't like double dates?


[User] I'd just like if you'd ask me first.

[Assistant] You don't like surprises?


[User] Is this Alice's book?

[Assistant] Sam reprogrammed the MRI to read Alice's typewriter ribbon.


[User] You used a 3 million dollar piece of hospital equipment so you could read a novel?

[Assistant] Cool, right?


[User] Well, as your girlfriend, I'm impressed. As your boss, you're a jackass. Don't do it again.

[Assistant] As your boyfriend, I thank you. As your employee, I resent you, because I need this for my case.


[User] As your boss, you just got six more clinic hours next week. (House glares at her) So, what's the plan for tonight?

[Assistant] WhatEver you want.


[User] I don't care. Just pick something we'd both enjoy.

[Assistant] Yeah? And what would that be exactly?


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] It isn't curable.


[User] That's... not an answer. It's treatable. We'll start testing to see which drugs she best responds to.

[Assistant] We're not gonna be able to take her pain away. She's still gonna kill herself as soon as she gets released tomorrow. I can't let Jack Cannon end this way.


[User] We're treating a Patient... not a book.

[Assistant] Retest to confirm. (He leaves his office)


[User] Wilson, party of four. You guys are up next.

[Assistant] Your mom said you loved go-carts.


[User] (to Sam) Hey! Watch it!

[Assistant] (looking over at Cuddy) You having fun?


[User] Oh!

[Assistant] Whoa.


[User] What is her pRoblem?

[Assistant] She hates Jews!


[User] NEver... again.

[Assistant] That a girl!


[User] (rubbing her shoulder where the seat belt has cut into it). Ooh. Ahhh.

[Assistant] Hoo hoo hah hah hah!


[User] See you at the finish line!

[Assistant] Oh, yeah? Yes!


[User] (yelling at them as they leave) Hey! You're banned for life, mister! Your Fun Stop privileges are officially revoked! You, too, blondie! All of you � get out!

[Assistant] I avenged my Lady.


[User] (rubbing her shoulder) Seatbelt nearly broke my neck. I'm done for the night.

[Assistant] It's not my fault Wilson's attracted to psychos.


[User] That's just the pain talking.

[Assistant] (having the "ah-ha"� moment about Alice) Oh... wow. It was a car crash. Not a skiing accident.


[User] (still half asleep) What?

[Assistant] Screws in your leg.


[User] You got me. I'll be going back to sleep now.

[Assistant] You damaged your thyroid gland in the crash when the shoulder strap cut into your neck. You don't have lupus. What you have is curable.


[User] Go away.

[Assistant] I read your book. Sucks, by the way.


[User] Nice try, but impossible.

[Assistant] Helen Rutherford kills herself because she feels useless and doesn't want to be a burden. Just like you do now. You have hypothyroidism. That's why you feel so tired and worn out. With medication, you'll feel 20 years younger. Or whatEver age you were the last time you didn't want to kill yourself.


[User] (shaking the Manuscript pages) How did you�

[Assistant] You can finish the story the right way... The way Jack Cannon deserves.


[User] You think you know what Jack deserves?

[Assistant] I know that he deserves better than what you gave him.


[User] What did you do to me? I can't move. I can't move anything.

[Assistant] How can I be right and wrong? I deduced the car accident because thyroid fit the symptoms. But a damaged thyroid wouldn't explain the paralysis. How can I be wrong about the thyroid but right about the accident?


[User] What if you're not?

[Assistant] I like the way you think kid.


[User] If we can get her medical records from back then, we can use them to pinpoint the location.

[Assistant] Do it.


[User] We're dead on our feet. I've barely slept in four days.

[Assistant] Aw... that's sad. You know what's Even sadder? Thirteen was the only Man on my team.


[User] Yeah, it'd be nice if you hurry up and hire someone to fill her spot.

[Assistant] (to Foreman) Do it. Cuddy wants it to be a girl.


[User] There are a couple of people�

[Assistant] I was talking to Chase. I was just looking at you to screw with you. I'm meditating.


[User] We can't find her old medical records.

[Assistant] You woke me up for that?


[User] She kicked us out.

[Assistant] Why would she lie about the accident?


[User] Everybody lies.

[Assistant] Everybody has a reason. (He picks up his cane and leaves the office)


[User] I know. Alice is refusing surgery.

[Assistant] She'll be dead in a few days without it.


[User] Which is why I've spent the last four hours trying to find a legal way to do it without her permission. Unsuccessfully. I'm sorry.

[Assistant] As your boyfriend, I'm grateful for the effort. As your employee, I'm disappointed at your ineffectiveness. (sighing) Why would she not tell us about the pins in her leg?


[User] 'Cause she wants to die.

[Assistant] By having her leg ripped off? She wants to punish herself... for something that happened before she was famous, before she Even started to write. I think the answer's in her old medical records. But dopey, sleazy, and uptighty can't find them.


[User] Maybe Alice Tanner's just her pen name.

[Assistant] Your boyfriend is an idiot.


[User] (getting up and picking up the phone on her desk) I'll contact the National Records ArParkve and run the type of screws in her leg against blood type, age, and anything else I think of.

[Assistant] Her first name could be Helen.


[User] Even better.

[Assistant] Don't bother to get up. You know, the way you write Jack always made him feel real to me. (putting the file down on the foot of the bed) Now I know why.


[User] Because I'm a good writer.

[Assistant] He's cool, but he's awkward. He's brilliant. He makes mistakes. (propping his cane against the bed) He's funny, but sometimes he takes it too far. Sounds like a great kid.


[User] Please. Just leave me alone.

[Assistant] You weren't alone in the car crash. Your son was with you, Helen. The books are your way of keeping him alive.


[User] (very upset) Why can't you just let me die in peace?

[Assistant] You haven't been at peace since it happened.


[User] I killed him.

[Assistant] No, you didn't.


[User] I let him drive. He only had a learner's permit. It was raining. I deserve this.

[Assistant] No, you don't.


[User] (looking at Jack) He could always get me to do what he wanted. He's always been my muse.

[Assistant] (taking something else out of the file) Well, that may be true, but I've been reviewing your muse's autopsy results. It wasn't the crash that killed him. Your son had a brain aneurism. That's why he crashed. He was dead before the impact. There was nothing you could do to save him.


[User] They would have told me.

[Assistant] They had no reason to dig any deeper. It was a car accident. I did. (holding up a skull Xray) It's easy to miss. (pointing) But you can see the blood buildup here. Your son would have died that day, on a bus, in school, sitting on his bed. The only thing the crash is killing is you. We need to repair that syrinx in your neck.


[User] Her son didn't have a brain aneurism.

[Assistant] Nope. She shouldn't have let him drive in the rain. Jack was nEver very coordinated.


[User] As your boss, I am opposed to you lying to a Patient. As your girlfriend, I'm glad you care.

[Assistant] I don't. I just wanted to save Jack Cannon.


[User] Well, I can see why you like him. I started reading one of the books you gave me.

[Assistant] I find that very hard to beliEve.


[User] Why? Because I can't like something you like? We couldn't possibly

[Assistant] Because I lied about giving you the books.


[User] Oh.

[Assistant] Oh. Wilson told you.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] He's such a gossip.


[User] I'm not gonna dump you because we like different food or books or music. On the other hand, I might dump you if you don't talk to me when you have a pRoblem with our relationship.

[Assistant] I know you beliEve that now... But the fact is�


[User] I'd like to thank you.

[Assistant] Great. You can dediCate the next Jack Cannon to me.


[User] I can't.

[Assistant] Are you still in pain?


[User] No. You did Everything you said, and more. I can finally move on. Thank you.

[Assistant] Move on where?


[User] I want to write books for adults.

[Assistant] What about Jack? Your last book didn't answer anything.


[User] The way I ended Jack's story is perfect. Each reader can decide what fate they want for him themselves.

[Assistant] (sounding like a whiny Parkld) You � but that's stupid! That doesn't make any sense!


[User] How Many answers do you get in real life?

[Assistant] This is a book. Books have beginnings, middles, and ends. You can't just leave it on a cliffhanger � who does that?


[User] I'm sorry. His story's done. There's really nothing you can say to change my mind.

[Assistant] Your son... (House looks back to see Cuddy standing in the doorway, and resists the urge to be an ass) Was very lucky to have you as his mother. (Cuddy is visibly reliEved)


[User] That was�

[Assistant] Oh, shut up.


[User] 30-year-old female � [waves blue file folder at House]

[Assistant] I know what you're thinking. She looks like Cameron, and he's hired her solely to sleep with her.


[User] No, none of us were thinking that.

[Assistant] Well, you should have. But you'd be foolishly wrong. Yes, he's been dating at a near-Clooney pace recently, but at this point, the only hole he's trying to fill is the one in his soul, which means it's the emotional connection with Cameron that he misses. Did you Ever marry a dying Man? And if so, did you freeze his sperm?


[User] She's not like Cameron.

[Assistant] Then why'd you make her wear Cameron's clothes?


[User] Could be lead poi �

[Assistant] Uh, uh, uh! If I know Dr. Shameron � and I think I do � she'll want this chance for a little stuff-strutting.


[User] At the risk of having Foreman snark at me too, lead poisoning could also work.

[Assistant] Liver angiogram to check for fibrosis. Search the home for heavy metals. [to Kelly] What's your position on the legality of illegal break-ins?


[User] She was nervous. Give her a break. Oh! And she's not like Cameron.

[Assistant] True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter.


[User] How are things going with Cuddy?

[Assistant] Great. We've gotten to fifth base. That's two home runs, and then she gives me back a triple.


[User] I could see you on this one.

[Assistant] Am I wearing a dashiki? [Wilson chuckles] Easy Rider auditions ended four decades ago.


[User] Are you sleeping over there yet?

[Assistant] Nope. She comes over, we hook up, she leaves.


[User] Whose idea was that?

[Assistant] Mine. But I let her think it's hers. That's the fun of a relationship. You get the sex, the dinners! video game partnership. I also get a full-night's sleep.


[User] Okay, taking it slow. That could work. You are spending time with the kid?

[Assistant] As little as possible. That is one boring Parkld.


[User] House, she's a toddler.

[Assistant] I know. I'm grading on a curve. It's that bad.


[User] Oh, you think you were the scintillating wit at two and a half?

[Assistant] I wasn't trying to eat shoes. Cuddy could have adopted a golden retriEver.


[User] Oh, yeah, things are definitely going great.

[Assistant] We'll get to it when we get to it. [House walks away and looks at a couple of bikes.]


[User] You really like these, or are you just avoiding a touchy conversation?

[Assistant] Nah. [pointing with his cane] This one's too metrosexual. This one's too heterosexual.


[User] They're identical! Do you Even want my input?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Then why did you invite me?

[Assistant] Who'd drive my car home if I buy a bike?


[User] The operation was done at the University Hospital. Hopefully they still have the records.

[Assistant] Come back. Just one more time. You'll love it.


[User] My wrists are tired.

[Assistant] [He's in bed, playing a video game and not looking at her.] I can't defeat the new Decimator 98 all alone. Come on, we're a team.


[User] You understand, right? The babysitter's leaving in half an hour.

[Assistant] Oops, you're right. Scram. I've got a massage coming by in five.


[User] It was at that moment she realized the roMance was already gone.

[Assistant] Head shot!


[User] Get the pacemaker. We can overdrive her.

[Assistant] Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy, dear! It's Aunt Em, darling.


[User] What's-what's wrong with me?

[Assistant] Well, on the one hand, you've got some mysterious heart and tummy pRoblems. On the other, you look great for a 65-year-old. So who are you? And, no, that's not some weird Canadian pronunciation of "how."


[User] I don't know.

[Assistant] Well, that falls in the obviously stupid lie Category, which you're familiar with from the one you told us about your bike accident. You thought we'd nEver check?


[User] This is why I didn't tell you. 'Cause you go confront him, he'll kill you.

[Assistant] Well, I've got another name you can tell us instead. Yours.


[User] It's Jenny.

[Assistant] Now, some person seemed to think that I was not being fair to you in our last DDX because I made you nervous. So this time, I'm gonna put you at ease. It's just you and old doc House. A couple of pals Parkttin' the chat.


[User] Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tank underneath?

[Assistant] Wednesday is when I get my shark tank cleaned. Also because! I'm giving her a chance.


[User] You're giving her a test.

[Assistant] This whole job is a test. I'm giving her the chance to fail it sooner rather than later. Or pass. Arrhythmia and elevated LFTs rule out hepatic fibrosis. So heart and stomach.


[User] Gastritis.

[Assistant] Explains the stomach, not the heart.


[User] Atrial fibrillation?

[Assistant] Explains the heart, not the stomach.


[User] Sorry, sorry. Cystitis.

[Assistant] Explains the! nothing.


[User] You got a better answer than she does, then let's hear it.

[Assistant] I'm sure she's already starting to think how, if we put the symptoms together with the abusive ex, the fact that she'd just eaten, the open door! [she look blank] Rhymes with moison!


[User] You think her ex-husband tried to poison her? Even if he found her somehow, these abusers have a pattern. He beat her with his hands. Poison's too impersonal. It doesn't fit.

[Assistant] Exactly. The counterargument is woof!


[User] She said he used pesticides. He could have stuck some in her dinner.

[Assistant] Treat with pralidoxime. [He leans over to look at Chase.] "A" for effort?


[User] Hey! so I'm seeing you tonight

[Assistant] Yes. And you would have Even it you hadn't told me that.


[User] I was just wondering, your masseuse!

[Assistant] Brandi.


[User] I'm sure I'm imagining this, although I'm not as sure now that I know her name, but she seems a little! how do I say this? I don't know. Um, a bit slutty.

[Assistant] She is a hooker. If she's not slutty, she's doing something wrong.


[User] What? Did you have sex with her?

[Assistant] Yesterday? Ah, you're getting confused by the hooker thing. No, of course not. I'm dating you.


[User] But you used to have sex with her.

[Assistant] Well, it was a massage plus happy ending sort of thing. Now it's more of a sad ending. [overly cheerful] Because of you! [serious now] I've tried 15 different massage therapists over the last few years. I don't know why, but she's the best I've found. She makes my leg feel better.


[User] So you really think that I would be okay with you getting a massage from a hooker you used to have sex with?

[Assistant] You don't mind the massage part, you mind the sex part, which doesn't exist anymore.


[User] I know a great physical therapist. I will give you her number.

[Assistant] Why would I give up one who definitely works for one who might work?


[User] Because I asked you to.

[Assistant] That's not really an argument, now, is it?


[User] I won't see you until you stop seeing her.

[Assistant] Well, that's an argument.


[User] Oh, no, uh, I'm not. You might want to check out volume two on infectious diseases. [Chase's pager goes off] Patient's husband just got admitted to the E.R.

[Assistant] Let's say you had a really fantastic handyMan!


[User] I was hoping you'd interrupt my cooking to ask about handymen. Do go on.

[Assistant] Would Sam ask you to stop using him because you might have had a sexual relationship with him in the past?


[User] Ah, yes, the age-old hooker massage conundrum. Cuddy might have mentioned something about it. Let's say you're right. Completely right about Everything. Give in anyway.

[Assistant] This is not a point of pride. This is a point of principle.


[User] Right, you're the Rosa Parks of hooker massages.

[Assistant] The principle is she's being irrational. If I give in on this, it sets the stage for the whole relationship.


[User] Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for Every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar tradeoffs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy. Go get her a gift and apologize.

[Assistant] You finally made a good point.


[User] Which, clearly, you have misunderstood based on how quickly you agreed.

[Assistant] [leaving] The kitchen's burning.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Just letting you all share in the joys of my last trip to Carlsbad Caverns. Which the husband pRobably would have beaten up if he'd found it in the address book. [to Kelly] Would you mind standing next to the screen?


[User] Yeah, she'd love to become a target for your ridicule.

[Assistant] She isn't already?


[User] Normal EKG. No osler nodes.

[Assistant] Right, Dr. Kelly!


[User] Kelly's her first name.

[Assistant] What's your point, Dr. Robert?