[User] You're an unseen presence, like the Wizard of Oz.

[Assistant] He was a fraud. She couldn't have gone with Keyser Soze? Speaking of movies that don't make any sense, I stopped at the rental store to get those pornos back. I told the guy at the counter I was so grateful that you'd returned them, but I wanted them. Guess what. You only returned two. You lost the third. It's decent of you to pay for it, not let them put it on my bill.


[User] You know... I can explain what happened.

[Assistant] I'm sure you could. But rather than listen to your lies, I thought it'd be more fun to drive all over town and get another copy. [smiles smugly]


[User] Oh, God. [The person nearest the camera turns. It's a very young Wilson.] Oh, God! Okay, first, that's not me. It's not "� mostly not "� [He starts again.] I was "� I was in college. [Young Wilson moves toward and then past the camera, smiling.] I don't "� my roommate was minoring in film.

[Assistant] Are you hyperventilating? Remember that covering your mouth and one nostril can help. He's not a director. He's an artist. The way he plays with light and darkness and! [Young Wilson puts his arm around the girl] boobs.


[User] [desperate] That's not me. That's not "� I mean, you can see it's not me. He added extra scenes so he could release it as a porno.

[Assistant] Be not afraid, Wilson. You took risks for your art.


[User] No one "� Hey, look at me "� No one can know about this.

[Assistant] From this moment on, my lips are sealed.


[User] Well, that and the cardiac echo I performed after she didn't want to lie down.

[Assistant] [looking at the Echo] Her mitral valve is nearly gone. Which means she's nearly gone. [looks at Chase] God, you're pretty.


[User] Why are you reading a book by a Unitarian minister?

[Assistant] Book club. Oprah was going on and on... [He grabs an almost empty half-gallon of milk from the refrigerator.]


[User] I'm serious. This"�this is messed up.

[Assistant] Patient wrote it. [He smells the milk.]


[User] No, you've nEver treated a Patient with this name. I looked it up.

[Assistant] [finally serious.] It's an assignment from my therapist.


[User] No, it wasn't. No one you respect would give you this and expect it to be helpful.

[Assistant] It's a book!


[User] Of sermons. For anyone else, spiritually enlightening. For you, it's practically a psychotic break. [House drinks the milk straight from the carton and tosses it. He leans heavily on the counter.] I know that you have trouble sometimes with the pain without the Vicodin "� is that it? Are you so out of options, you're looking for answers in what you consider irrationality?

[Assistant] I'm all right. Trust me.


[User] Are you all right because you're back on Vicodin?

[Assistant] I said, "trust me."


[User] I know this means something. [He waves the book.]

[Assistant] Do you mind? I haven't finished it yet. [He takes the book and heads down the hall.]


[User] Thanks for the gift. Obviously differs from my own personal beliefs, but if these stories have helped you through some spiritual turmoil "�

[Assistant] Read chapter six, entitled "shut the hell up."


[User] I appreciated the inscription about the benefits of prayer before medical treatments. And I think it's great that you have been called to witness by the Lord.

[Assistant] Chapter two, "bite me."


[User] [oozing smarm] Hi. Thirteen's giving our Patient her third vaccine injection. She's responding well so far.

[Assistant] Where'd you get all these copies? It's out of print.


[User] I called the author. He's got cartons of the thing in his basement.

[Assistant] You called him? What'd you say?


[User] That I knew some people who could benefit spiritually from the book.

[Assistant] Did you mention me?


[User] Well, clearly it's not working. You have to stop the vaccine.

[Assistant] Sure. Give up. Let her die on schedule.


[User] Of the stimulating agent, which, added to the first injection, switched her immune reaction into overdrive.

[Assistant] Why was she sleeping? Who can sleep in a hospital during the daytime?


[User] I'm not surprised she's tired. She's always been a night owl. Just by treating her, we've completely disrupted her schedule.

[Assistant] Is that what her blog says? She's a night owl?


[User] No, she told me.

[Assistant] In what tense? Is? Was? Will have been?


[User] What are you onto?

[Assistant] [checking the blog on Cuddy's computer] Look at the time stamp on this post. 2:30 A.M. Here's one at 4:00 A.M.


[User] WhatEver he's onto doesn't change the fact that she has lymphoma and we gave her a dangerous vaccine. We need to "�

[Assistant] Six months ago, she's posting in the daytime. Two years ago, daytime. That's her natural rhythm.


[User] Sign of liver disease?

[Assistant] Which doesn't fit lymphoma.


[User] But we know she has lymphoma.

[Assistant] We know she has the cell atypia that indiCates lymphoma. Biopsy her liver. [The team leaves. House turns to Cuddy.] That was pretty cool what I did, right? You wanna make out?


[User] Yes, but it persisted after we took her off the vaccine. What if it's a new symptom?

[Assistant] Okay. So we add fEver to cell atypia, coagulopathy, kidney, heart, liver...


[User] But which one? No one she knows is sick. She hasn't traveled anywhere. There's nothing in the history she gave us. Nothing in her blog.

[Assistant] There has to be something unique to this infection. Something about its transmission and the way it Manifests. There has to be something she's not telling us.


[User] There isn't. She's told us, and Everyone else, Everything.

[Assistant] Start her on broad-spectrum antibiotics. [They gape at him, unbelieving.] Since we know Everything, we might as well treat for Everything.


[User] I picked up one of the copies of the book that Chase left in the lounge.

[Assistant] If you're gonna be this way, I'm not gonna invite you to my baptism.


[User] First time I'd seen the real dust jacket. The inside back flap, there's a picture of the author. Imagine how surprised I was when I recognized him. Your biological father is a minister?

[Assistant] Natural selection is not an infallible force.


[User] I don't get it. I mean, okay, he was a friend of the family. You'd only known him when you were a kid. But if you wanted to meet him now, get an idea of what he's like, why not just go talk to him?

[Assistant] "Hi, it's Greg. You slept with my mother."


[User] You're capable of it.

[Assistant] I was mildly curious. Enough to read a book, not enough to make a phone call.


[User] Please. You didn't read this. You studied it. Why? All your life, you've thought this [waves the book] was crap. You can't suddenly turn around and-and build a whole new worldview based on crap.

[Assistant] [As Wilson talks, House has his epiphany.] Crap. [He gets up and heads to the door.]


[User] You better not be faking this just to get out of a tough conversation.

[Assistant] Do you poop? [Frankie looks at Thirteen who looks at House.] Come on. Everybody poops. I read the book in medical school. Sinkers or floaters?


[User] This is the wizard.

[Assistant] Greasy and soft or hard and pellet-like?


[User] Um... Floaters and the first one.

[Assistant] You just had to be so swoft. You're a hypocrite. No lies, no secrets, but Everything stops at your colon. 4,000 pages, not one word about BMs. And I bet yours don't smell at all.


[User] Nobody wants to hear about that stuff.

[Assistant] Readers don't. People who don't really care about you don't. But doctors might. The icky stuff changed, right, a few months ago?


[User] Well, I became a vegetarian.

[Assistant] A lot of people misunderstand how a vegetarian diet works. You take in less unusable material, and your waste gets more efficient. Harder and rounder. Just look at the feces of rabbits. Seriously. I think I might have some! [He starts to look in his pocket.]


[User] Malabsorption. Her system's not retaining the necessary nutrients.

[Assistant] A G.I. Infection causes malabsorption, granulomatous buildup of cells. It's not contagious since no one around her got sick "�


[User] Whipple's disease.

[Assistant] [looking from one to the other] Let's split the credit. Start her on co-trimoxazole. [to Frankie] We all need some secrets. As long as they don't kill us, they keep us safe and warm.


[User] Why would it make more sense for you to read your father's book than to go talk with him?

[Assistant] Can you write a book? So I can stop talking to you?


[User] You weren't looking for some big catharsis. You didn't want to hug the guy. You just wanted to know how his head works. How he thinks.

[Assistant] 'Cause I'm fascinated with how ministers think.


[User] When you read that book, you were hoping that somewhere, underneath all that talk of God, there would be a way of thinking, a mind that you could recognize. You wanted what we all want.

[Assistant] The power to transform into any water-based object?


[User] To look across the gulf and know there's someone else like you. At least tell me this "� did you find something there?

[Assistant] Underneath the God stuff... More God stuff.


[User] Would you mind at least putting a napkin under your jelly toast?

[Assistant] Get a table, and I won't eat it on the couch.


[User] (putting on his overcoat) Yes, you will.

[Assistant] But I won't have a good excuse.


[User] Why don't you go get a table?

[Assistant] Not my condo.


[User] You have my permission. Pick out whatEver you want.

[Assistant] Then it would be a reflection of me, not you. That wouldn't be right.


[User] (He picks his keys off the counter and packs his briefcase) No, it would be a reflection of the fact that the guy who's been mooParkng off of me for as long as I can remember, isn't a complete ingrate.

[Assistant] (pausing) You've nEver furnished a home.


[User] I have furnished a bunch of homes.

[Assistant] No, you've married a bunch of women, who furnished a bunch of homes.


[User] You want to eat off something? Fine. Move your piano in here and eat off that.

[Assistant] You're afraid.


[User] Of a dining table? You know, they don't actually come to life when you put a knob off your bedpost on them.

[Assistant] You are what you sit in. Your friends, your job, your furnishings � it all defines you.


[User] You don't really beliEve that. You just don't want to do the shopping.

[Assistant] Buy some furniture, or admit that you're empty inside.


[User] That means she only had one or two drinks, tops.

[Assistant] And there's no sign of trauma.


[User] How'd you know?

[Assistant] Because if there was, Cuddy wouldn't have needed me to take the case.


[User] How do you know Cuddy!?

[Assistant] Foreman's the only one with the balls to take a case without checking with me, and he's still working on breakfast. Which means that the... (He takes up the Patient file and puts it on his forehead as if he has the power of telepathy) 18... no, 17-year-old honor student �


[User] Cuddy has a soft spot for smart girls, and they don't start drinking until second semester, senior year.

[Assistant] So either you think that smart women look out for each other, which means you're an idiot, or you think Cuddy's not smart, which means... well, I guess it's the same both ways.


[User] Then how did you �

[Assistant] Picture fell out of the file. She looks smart. Where's Taub?


[User] You don't already know?

[Assistant] Yeah, he's at home in a fight with his wife. I'm just curious what he wanted me to know.


[User] Two drinks is hardly a binge.

[Assistant] (reading the file) Certainly not if you're an Aussie. But when an American schoolgirl has two drinks before 10:00 am, it's a pretty sure bet that the plan is to have a lot more. PRobably wasn't the first time she had that plan.


[User] We'll get a C-13-pyruvate MRI to check for cardiac lactic-acid lEvels.

[Assistant] Someone call Taub. Tell him to cut the ball and chain on his own time.


[User] It could be fastidious enteric bacteria.

[Assistant] You think she's been eating your wife's cooking? Hey, I'm on your side, Man.


[User] I am not fighting with my wife. I had a flat tire. It's in my trunk. You can go look at it if you want.

[Assistant] Don't need to. Face tells me you're bluffing. (Taub looks at him questioningly) Not yours � Chase's.


[User] If that valve is about to dehisce, echo could trigger a heart attack.

[Assistant] So come up with a better idea or have a crash cart ready.


[User] The dissection means we were wrong about alcohol causing a hypertensive crisis.

[Assistant] And by "we" you mean "you."


[User] Yeah. You were the one who didn't have any better ideas.

[Assistant] It's not my fault. I was busy trying to Judge Taub.


[User] Unless it was inside her.

[Assistant] Meaning?


[User] Could be some kind of neuropathy. Syphilitic lightning pains?

[Assistant] It's not syphilis. VDRL and enzyme immunoassays were negative.


[User] What about a blood clot?

[Assistant] While she's on anticoagulants from the aortic surgery?


[User] Interstitial nephritis?

[Assistant] Wouldn't cause the edema or dissection.


[User] But cancer could.

[Assistant] Would you care to be a little more specific?


[User] We could do a full-body scan.

[Assistant] We hate full-body scans.


[User] And by "we" you mean "you." We also hate when a Patient dies before we figure out what's wrong with them.

[Assistant] Do the scan.


[User] (coming into the room) What do you think?

[Assistant] I think you work quickly.


[User] Piece of cake, you give them money, they give you furniture. Not bad, huh?

[Assistant] Nope. It's not "bad"� at all.


[User] (texting to Rachel) Whatcha doing?

[Assistant] If there was any sign of inflammation of the aorta, that would make sense.


[User] House! It's not funny. I got enough pRoblems already.

[Assistant] Trust me. This is gonna help.


[User] An aneurysm explains the hallucinations. And it's the one thing we haven't excluded from the differential.

[Assistant] (to Taub) Your texting does not prove you're faithful. It just proves you know she thinks you're unfaithful. Can't force trust. (turning back to the case) What did she hallucinate?


[User] The content of the hallucination isn't relevant.

[Assistant] Not usually.


[User] Not Ever.

[Assistant] We know nothing, brain knows all. You get an ulcer, you don't know it, but the brain increases mucin secretions. It knows what the pRoblem is, knows where the pRoblem is.


[User] Sure. That's the same as the brain shouting, "you have pancreatic cancer."

[Assistant] Her subconscious is trying to tell her something. We need to eavesdrop.


[User] She was screaming she was being sucked into a black hole, so, we should look for a tumor in her anus?

[Assistant] We need the whole story. The cognitive pattern recognition program might tell us what's going on in her head.


[User] Or we could act on something based in science, not science fiction. Get an MRA with contrast to see if she has an aneurysm, unless you think Cuddy's gonna go for the mind reading.

[Assistant] Fine. Do the MRA. When it comes back negative, we can move on to the... crazy but possible ideas. (the team leaves)


[User] (clearing his throat) What did you do with the furniture?

[Assistant] I returned it.


[User] You told me to buy it.

[Assistant] But you didn't buy it. You rented it. You made one phone call to (reading from a business ad) Economy Furniture Supply � "we get it done so you don't have to."


[User] So what? We had a table, chairs �

[Assistant] But no clue what any of it meant.


[User] Fine. I'll hire a decorator.

[Assistant] Perfect. Another Woman to tell you who you are.


[User] I'll hire a male decorator.

[Assistant] Step inside one furniture store and find one thing you like.


[User] I like, not doing this.

[Assistant] One.


[User] Inner-ictal E.E.G. showed no synchronous discharges.

[Assistant] And the MRA?


[User] No aneurysms or arterial or venous malformations in the brain.

[Assistant] As predicted. What did we say we'd move on to?


[User] Temporoparietal junction was clean on MRI, MRA, and whole-body scan.

[Assistant] Which just leaves us with the question of, what happened during the out-of-body experience?


[User] If I say her blood pressure shot up over 200 and she bit her tongue, would that be a satisfactory answer?

[Assistant] Sure. If you then went on to answer the following � Did she float above her body? Did she see Jesus? Did she bathe in the Ganges?


[User] No, no, and no. Can we get back to the medical science?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Even if we can get the equipment, it takes hours for the initial mapping. If she has another seizure, she could stroke out.

[Assistant] Coincidentally, she could also have a stroke if we do nothing.


[User] I'm not telling a mother who's scared out of her mind that our best shot is a magic trick.

[Assistant] It's not magical. It's experimental. Just like washing your hands after pooping once was. And technically, it's not our best shot. I'm pretty sure it's our only shot. Perfect. So, Foreman, go get her consent. The rest of you go down to the cog sci lab. Equipment should already be there.


[User] And I want to, but �

[Assistant] Inspiration point doesn't open till after dark. Got a real cool magic show about to start. Also, I'm gonna need to check your spare.


[User] Well, it's taken us just over an hour to prove that she has a very boring subconscious.

[Assistant] Anyone Ever tell you you can be a real buzzkill?


[User] (looking at the monitor) Stars? Maybe that's a stripe?

[Assistant] It's the sky. She's thinking about the moon and the stars and the sky.


[User] Or, star could be a white blood cell. Leukemia?

[Assistant] Who's that?


[User] Her dad? He died when she was eight.

[Assistant] What did daddy die of?


[User] (looking up at House) What do you think it means?

[Assistant] She likes school, and she has daddy issues � Neither of which helps us.


[User] Liver's responsible for proteins, immunological effects, production of red blood cells. Might be able to explain the lungs, the hallucinations.

[Assistant] (still examining the model of the brain) Not the aortic dissection.


[User] Kidneys are also failing. We add in polycystic disease, could explain the dissection.

[Assistant] So that's one imperfect theory, plus a rare complication of a second theory, which gives us a complete explanation. Don't polish the notion, Foreman.


[User] What if it's obscuring a tumor? It's the only place we couldn't look inside.

[Assistant] Get a better look at her pineal gland with three tesla fast spin echo MRI. (The team leaves to do the test)


[User] MRI rEvealed no remarkable features on her pineal gland. But there were slightly elevated lEvels of lactate dehydrogenase isoenzymes.

[Assistant] Which we would expect to see if there was an allergic reaction happening.


[User] Parasite? There's this Middle Eastern parasite �

[Assistant] (angry because they have reached a dead end) How exactly do you want to be shot down? On the basis of the fact that she's nEver been within 6,000 miles of the Middle East, or on the basis of the fact that all our scans and urine samples came back clean? (sighing) And yet she's still failing, system after system. (sighing again) So, either we find the answer at autopsy or...


[User] What?

[Assistant] I got nothin'.


[User] I was gonna head out. If there's any change, I assume you'll page me?

[Assistant] Are you having an affair? Does it bother you that your wife doesn't have the guts to actually ask that question, and I do?


[User] On both ends, yes.

[Assistant] Difference is, I'm not afraid of the answer. And I might beliEve you.


[User] I'm not having an affair.

[Assistant] But you want to.


[User] No, I don't. I'm through living like that.

[Assistant] Why? What, you finally got to the point where half your age plus sEven just isn't young enough?


[User] Talk to you later, House.

[Assistant] Or is it because you now really are old enough to be their � (He pauses as the answer suddenly comes to him) The dad. Does he travel for work?


[User] What do you mean, "does he"? He died almost ten years ago.

[Assistant] Not hers, her boyfriend's. He's the one in her visions. I'm your son's girlfriend's doctor.


[User] Oh.

[Assistant] It's a mouthful, but pRobably not as tricky as your title.


[User] Um, okay. Is Abby gonna be all right?

[Assistant] Do you travel a lot?


[User] Yeah, I have a food-import business. Why?

[Assistant] Where'd you go?


[User] All over � France, Italy, the mediterranean. Why?

[Assistant] I think you exposed her to a parasite.


[User] Oh. I thought the scans didn't show any.

[Assistant] Because she doesn't have any.


[User] But you just said �

[Assistant] It's cool. My theory is that her body was able to kill off the parasite, but what it couldn't do was get rid of the shell, which doesn't show up on the scans. That little piece of microscopic garbage set off an allergic reaction called cerebellar sParkstosomiasis delayed hypersensitivity allergy, or cusdehaaa. Risky, unpleasant treatment, but completely curable.


[User] Well, that's fantastic.

[Assistant] You'd think so, wouldn't you? Only thing is, did you Ever have sex with your son's girlfriend?


[User] Where the hell do you get off asking �

[Assistant] Shut up! See, I can't treat this unless I can confirm it, and the only way she could have been exposed to this parasite is sexually, which means she's gonna die very soon unless you admit that you slept with her.


[User] Dad? What's going on?

[Assistant] (walking around behind Artie so that he is now facing his son) Gee, this is bad, because you now have to choose between her living and the truth becoming public. And frankly, given what the truth is, it's a tough call.


[User] (rationalizing) You'd broken up.

[Assistant] (to Nick) Your girlfriend is not allergic to your semen. She's allergic to the Egyptian parasite swimming around in your dad's semen.


[User] I was drunk. We both...

[Assistant] No need to explain. Technically, she was legal.


[User] Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait!

[Assistant] Hey... All things considered, it's actually great news.


[User] So what do you think?

[Assistant] You wussed out, and used a decorator.


[User] Why can't that be me � The wuss who loves decorators?

[Assistant] 'cause it's not.


[User] Okay. It's not. But don't return it. I can't keep doing this.

[Assistant] You have to. You can't keep letting other people define you. Not another elephant. Decorator didn't pick this.


[User] You're gonna have to buy your own cape.

[Assistant] (turning to look at Wilson) I like what this says about you, Wilson.


[User] Oh, it's beautiful.

[Assistant] What'd you tell him?


[User] That it doesn't mean she doesn't love him.

[Assistant] And he bought it?


[User] (seriously) It's true.

[Assistant] Your wife say yes?


[User] How did you know �

[Assistant] Monkey see, monkey do. At least he has the young and stupid excuse.


[User] She said yes.

[Assistant] (sincerely) Good for you.


[User] We cannot allow anyone to leave the hospital at this time. All personnel should remain in their staging areas unless otherwise instructed by security.

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, gotta clear the �


[User] I think I can live with that.

[Assistant] You're on two milligrams of morphine an hour. How the hell are you still awake? No, don't tell me. [He takes the chart from the foot of the bed and glances at it.] Ischemic cardiomyopathy. If the blood's not reaParkng your gut, you have intestinal hypoperfusion. That'd be stronger than the narcotics.


[User] The nurse said I might only have a day or two left.

[Assistant] She was being kind.


[User] You're Dr. House, aren't you?

[Assistant] Oh, God, don't tell me we used to date.


[User] The limp. Yeah, I read about you. I sent you a letter before they knew what was wrong. Tried to get you to take my case.

[Assistant] Yeah, well, you should have kept reading. Heart disease is kind of below my pay grade.


[User] This doesn't bother you?

[Assistant] You talking with your mouth full? A little.


[User] I meant the fact that you're standing here watParkng me die because of my "� my file bored you.

[Assistant] I take maybe 1 in 20 cases. A lot of the people I turn down end up dying. It's really a good argument for there being more than one me when you think about it.


[User] One? I beliEve he wears a larger size.

[Assistant] No cards, no flowers, not Even a phone call. Let me guess. LightHouse keeper.


[User] I was a classics professor at Princeton for 26 years. Mostly research.

[Assistant] So your closest colleagues died 2,000 years ago. That must be it. Not that you have no friends because, say, you're a miserable bastard.


[User] What do you care?

[Assistant] The next few hours are gonna be grim. There'll be nausea, pain, no company, as soon as I can get myself out of here. I can unlock the regulator. You can put yourself in a narcotic haze, sleep blissfully to the end.


[User] Oh, is that a favor to me or to you?

[Assistant] Win-win.


[User] [laughs shortly] No, thanks.

[Assistant] Are you trying to guilt me for not taking your case?


[User] You think a classicist doesn't beliEve in fate?

[Assistant] You think Odysseus would lie whimpering like a loser in a hospital bed? [getting up and approaParkng Nash] Come on, take my offer. Take the drug holiday. Numb yourself out.


[User] Bad pain day?

[Assistant] Bad pain month.


[User] Since I'm not using it... [He gestures toward the morphine pump. House looks annoyed.] Oh, if you don't want the morphine, you must have something of your own, Hmm?

[Assistant] I was in rehab. I had a little pRoblem with the something of my own. Now all I take is ibuprofen, and it's two flights up.


[User] For the whole month?

[Assistant] The pain's migrated. I think the arterial wall is damaged.


[User] What, you don't know?

[Assistant] I haven't had an arteriogram yet.


[User] And you don't want the test. In case the arterial wall is fine. Which would mean that the pain is coming from something else. [slight, smug smile] What's her name?

[Assistant] Interesting... That you jump from physical pain to long-lost love. You're projecting. So what's her name?


[User] What time is it?

[Assistant] What does it matter to you? It's "t" minus four hours. [Nash looks at him. House checks his watch.] 8:20. Now tell me who she is and what are the pathetically long odds that she's gonna visit or call. And why that's a reason not to take the morphine.


[User] [reads the cover of a file he's holding] Dr. Taub, comma, Christopher Michael.

[Assistant] So this is what it comes down to in the final hours. Deifying some lost love. Hoping to get her on the phone and make Everything perfect. It's pathetic. Either you left her for a reason or she left you for a reason. [He turns and walks toward Nash. He's holding the emesis basin that he was washing.] A phone call is not �


[User] It's my daughter.

[Assistant] So why isn't she here?


[User] I left my family... when Gracie was six. I was sort of forced out, actually, after I'd had an affair with a student.

[Assistant] For sex or love?


[User] Neither. I'd only married Gracie's mother because of the baby. But I didn't think I could handle commitment, and, like any decent academic, I proved myself right.

[Assistant] And what time it is matters because?


[User] She's a dance teacher in Atlanta. She gets home from work at 9:00, and I just wanted to speak to her one more time. That's my story. What's yours?

[Assistant] Same thing. Pretty much.


[User] I'm gonna be dead in a few hours. Your secrets couldn't be safer. Unless you're keeping them from yourself.

[Assistant] I like being alone. At least I convince myself that I'm better off that way. And then I met someone! at a psyParkatric hospital, of all places. She changed me. And then she left. We're better off alone. We suffer alone. We die alone. Doesn't matter if you're a model husband or father of the year. Tomorrow will be the same for you.


[User] We nEver really did have a proper good-bye.

[Assistant] It's 9:00.


[User] I guess she's running late.

[Assistant] You don't seem that surprised. [Nash looks away from him.] That's what you expected to get. You waited until you knew she'd be out.


[User] Her aunt said that she starts work late. Every now and then, I just call to hear her voice on the maParkne. I was nEver there when she needed me, so... What right do I have to need her now?

[Assistant] None. Just means you're a hypocrite. 'Cause apparently you do. [He picks up the phone, hits "redial"� and hands Nash the phone.] Forget about rights. Just tell her what you need to tell her.


[User] [enters] Dr. House? Lockdown ended a few minutes ago.

[Assistant] Yeah. I know. [to Nash] I'm sorry I didn't take your case.


[User] (pulling out a cell phone and dialing 911) We need an ambulance at the Camden Fairgrounds.

[Assistant] You're new.


[User] You're naked.

[Assistant] (looking down at himself) And, for the record, a little bit cold.


[User] (sounding uncomfortable and trying not to look at House, who seems completely unfazed by his nakedness) I'm sorry, I didn't know that anyone was home. James had an early call, and I was just leaving.

[Assistant] (holding up a cereal box) Without breakfast?


[User] (turning to face him) I'm fine, thanks. I'm Sam, by the way.

[Assistant] (holding out his hand) House. Nice to meet you.


[User] (taking an apron off a chair and handing it to House) It'd be nicer if you'd put this on.

[Assistant] (setting the box on the counter and putting on the apron) So you and Wilson...


[User] Thought you were staying in New York last night.

[Assistant] Sorry, must have missed the "if this trailer be a-rockin'" sign out front.


[User] I had a dream like this once. It didn't end well.

[Assistant] (entering the room) Huzzah, my loyal peasants!


[User] House, what are you doing?

[Assistant] (holding the sword up in front of him) Filling in for Rabbi Shmuhl at the Goldstein bris. (He starts swinging and twirling the sword) While I'm busy, you all can check out the Knight down in the E.R., who, instead of seizing the throne, just seized.


[User] (reading the file) He works at a Renaissance Festival?

[Assistant] Doesn't work there, he lives there as part of a wonderful little troupe, who spend their weekends reenacting a nobler age, when people crapped in the streets, and Thirteen would have been a grandmother.


[User] Weeks, not weekends. Says here he's been camping out for a month.

[Assistant] Try doing that with a pen.


[User] (reaParkng for the file) Why don't you put that down before you kill one of us?

[Assistant] Better idea, why don't you give me something I can use so I won't feel the need to?


[User] A full set of armor would protect against visible trauma, but not transmitted concussive force. Could be a subdural hematoma.

[Assistant] You're forgetting to demonize.


[User] An evil, satanic subdural hematoma.

[Assistant] No. Two demon eyes. Hemorrhaging in the sclerae.


[User] Could be an allergic reaction to something from the Renaissance Fair.

[Assistant] Which is why we need to check out Middle-earth. Foreman, take Frodo and break bread with the Hobbits.


[User] (standing) I still think a hematoma is more likely.

[Assistant] (to Taub) That's why you and Chase are gonna get an MRI.


[User] But you just�

[Assistant] I said Frodo, not Gollum.


[User] I don't Even know who Frodo is.

[Assistant] Who's the Parkck, and why are you hiding her?


[User] You were home last night?

[Assistant] (putting down the sword and closing the door) And this morning. I bumped into your babe, naked.


[User] I told you to stay out of my bathroom.

[Assistant] I was in the kitchen.


[User] She was naked in the kitchen?

[Assistant] I was naked.


[User] Why the hell were you naked in the kitchen?

[Assistant] Uh, it's not important right now. What is, is why you didn't want me to meet her in the first place. Is she married?


[User] No.

[Assistant] A Patient?


[User] I don't have time for this.

[Assistant] She used to be a Man.


[User] (picking up his labcoat) House!

[Assistant] She wants to be a Man. Sam � it's a Man's name, short for... SaMantha. The soulless harpy you were married to before we met.


[User] (sighing) People change, House.

[Assistant] (lowering the sword) Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.


[User] Listen, I know that, in your own demented way, you think you're looking out for me. But I have this.

[Assistant] By this, you mean a sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach. Fine. I get it. It's your life. (He opens the door for Wilson) You go screw it up. I can wait.


[User] For what?

[Assistant] To tell you, "I told you so."


[User] That's not exactly sanitary.

[Assistant] Fun stuff nEver is.


[User] A lumbar puncture could confirm.

[Assistant] Except it's not food poisoning. If it was, the E.R. would look like Camelot right now.


[User] I think they call that breakfast in Australia.

[Assistant] No one else was sick, because they weren't allergic like he was.


[User] To what?

[Assistant] That's what I sent you to Middle-earth to find out. (House tosses the cow eye to Foreman) Run scratch tests for the samples you brought back.


[User] That's gonna take time, and he's getting worse.

[Assistant] (testily) So treat him with epinephrine too.


[User] It's definitely not an allergy, or the epi would have helped him, not made him worse.

[Assistant] (sitting on the nurse's station counter and rubbing his leg) Unless he's allergic and allergic to the cure. Sodium bisulfite � the preservative that keeps epi peppy � can cause tachycardia.


[User] Methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus?

[Assistant] Lord have MRSA.


[User] (to Foreman) You weren't wearing gloves when we shocked his heart back into rhythm.

[Assistant] I'm sure you'll be fine. (pointing to Taub and Chase) You two get a sample to the lab to confirm, (to Thirteen) you get the Knight into isolation and on I.V. antibiotics. (to Foreman) You... stay away from me. (He leaves quickly) Need to talk.


[User] About the MRSA? I know, we're�

[Assistant] (sitting in a chair in front of the desk) MRSA, shmrsa. Something important.


[User] Something you think is more important than the potentially lethal bacteria spreading like wildfire through my hospital? Well, that narrows it down to something personal and stupid.

[Assistant] Wilson.


[User] Theory confirmed. He is dating his first wife. I know.

[Assistant] I don't beliEve it.


[User] That he didn't ask your permission first?

[Assistant] No, that he's actually capable of keeping a secret from me.


[User] Well, you'd be surprised how Many things Wilson doesn't tell you.

[Assistant] (chuckling and leaning forward in the chair) Would I? Like � like how you slept with your father's best friend or...


[User] I'm gonna kill him.

[Assistant] You need to break them up.


[User] Forget it.

[Assistant] So you'd rather sit back and watch while the evil blonde gorges on Wilson's tender flesh and then tosses out his bones like she did the last time? You remember what he was like after that?


[User] Yes, I do.

[Assistant] Well, then do something. (leaning back in the chair) God knows he's not gonna listen to me. You, on the other hand, have decades of experience dating and being attracted to losers. Obviously, I don't include myself.


[User] You know what happens when you interfere in other people's relationships?

[Assistant] Of course. I do it all the time. Hmm, I see your point.


[User] I took on three guys in college once.

[Assistant] (coming into the lab) Hope they bought you dinner first.


[User] It's not MRSA.

[Assistant] I know, it's poison Ivy.


[User] A sEvere reaction could cause the blisters and maybe irritate his eyes enough to cause the hemorrhaging, but the chest pain and seizures...

[Assistant] They have bonfires Every night. The burning leaves aerosolizes the oil. We've seen what it's done to the outside of his body. Imagine what it's doing to his lungs and his sinuses.


[User] Okay, maybe it remotely fits, but I'd rather go with scientific evidence than with your gut.

[Assistant] How about this? Apparently, it's all over his sword.


[User] He would have had symptoms way before the Renaissance Festival.

[Assistant] Which is true of anything that would compromise his immune system, which means it has to be some other environmental toxin. Yesterday he was a healthy Knight, today he's Sleeping Beauty. Nothing else fits.


[User] We already ruled out food poisoning. Both the butcher shop and the food stands at the fair were totally clean.

[Assistant] Then he ate the poison apple somewhere else. Or maybe you just missed it. Start treatment for triParknosis and confirm with a muscle biopsy. (He leaves)


[User] Hey. I can't beliEve I'm about to say this. Sam!

[Assistant] Told you so.


[User] No, she didn't dump me. She wants to get to know you better.

[Assistant] Damn it. I nEver should have let her see me naked.


[User] It goes against all my instincts, but I said all right.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] She thinks I was hiding her from you.

[Assistant] You were.


[User] I don't want her to know.

[Assistant] So you're asking me to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust.


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] When and where?


[User] Tonight, Venezia, 8:00.

[Assistant] What am I gonna wear? All my cereal boxes are at the cleaners.


[User] House, listen. I know you're worried about me, and I also know that that kind of unselfishness doesn't come naturally to you. But I don't want your help. I don't need your help. Just come to dinner and be your usual selfish self.

[Assistant] How could I say no? (He smiles and heads for the exit)


[User] (Following her gaze) That.

[Assistant] Sorry we're late. But you know girls. Always fiddling with the hair and the makeup. James, Sam.... this is Sarah.


[User] It's nice to meet you. Horace has told me all�

[Assistant] (correcting her) House.


[User] I know, isn't it amazing?

[Assistant] (sarcastically) Yeah, delightful.


[User] I recommend we start with a full cancer workup, starting with the�

[Assistant] Which one of you checked out the apartment?


[User] House...

[Assistant] His symptoms fit an environmental�


[User] The test results don't, we redid�

[Assistant] Search the apartment.


[User] He hasn't been there in three weeks�

[Assistant] (interrupting, and shouting at them as he walks away) Go! Now!


[User] Of what?

[Assistant] (holding up the toy soldier) Plumbum nigrum.


[User] It's Latin, for black lead.

[Assistant] Our Knight/Warlock apparently also dabbles in alchemy.


[User] Seizures, paralysis, weak immune system, and Eventually, coma.

[Assistant] Biopsy the cysts, and you'll find your lead.


[User] Shouldn't you be at the hospital?

[Assistant] Wouldn't need a team if I did all the work, now, would I? Plus, I had to make you dinner.


[User] We have plans.

[Assistant] I bet your plans don't taste like this.


[User] (stopping Sam from taking one) Don't! House, whatEver it is that you're up to

[Assistant] I'm trying to be nice. What I did the other night was juvenile. I'm sorry.


[User] The souffle was amazing.

[Assistant] (He pours more wine for each of them) It's my mom's recipe. Everything else, I got off the Web.


[User] Here's to the Internet.

[Assistant] Where I found the lamb ragout, and you two found each other... Again.


[User] Yeah, more like, divorce, depression, therapy, more therapy, and the Internet.

[Assistant] And here we are.


[User] Well, I need to go to the bathroom.

[Assistant] I think you're old enough, now. But if you would like me to come along with you...


[User] Come on, James. Enough, already.

[Assistant] Yeah, James, I cook in peace.


[User] Okay. I'll be right back.

[Assistant] You're a cold-hearted bitch, who ripped his heart out. I watched him struggle for years to overcome the damage you did. And there's no way I'm going to just let you reel him back in so you can do it all over again.


[User] And all this?

[Assistant] Phase two of getting to know my enemy.


[User] You're wrong about me. But I'm glad now I don't have to pretend to like you, except for when James is standing next to me.

[Assistant] Same here. Only difference is, I'll outlast you. End scene.


[User] (coming back into the room) Well, it's too late for the movie. Wanna see what's on tv?

[Assistant] Absolutely.


[User] We had to shock it back into rhythm twice during the night.

[Assistant] There's only one thing left to do.


[User] We're wasting our time.

[Assistant] Actually, I've already gotten good value.


[User] I told you, there's nothing here that could have caused any of his symptoms.

[Assistant] No, you told me that you couldn't find anything here that could be causing the symptoms.


[User] And now we're gonna find something new because we're in costume? We looked Everywhere, tested Everything. Just because Wilson's acting stupid doesn't mean we are.

[Assistant] Do you think he's making a mistake?


[User] Of course. But he'll figure it out, sooner or later. Hopefully, after a few weeks of great sex. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[Assistant] Wilson's not like us. He cares too much about people and their feelings.


[User] Thanks for the compliment.

[Assistant] The code that our Knight claims to live by, all that crap about honor and Parkvalry. Wilson's naturally like that, which is why he's�


[User] A great guy.

[Assistant] A sucker and a target. So we gotta look out for him. Do you smell that?


[User] I cry your pardon, Sir.

[Assistant] (picking a bottle off a shelf) You know what this is?


[User] Well, that's lavender.

[Assistant] Try rose hips. (He puts it back)


[User] Both harmless, who cares?

[Assistant] It could be cyanide as far as he knows. (He picks up another bottle) How about this?


[User] It be nothing but St. John's Wort.

[Assistant] Wrong again. Black cohash.


[User] Hey! I just organized all that.

[Assistant] (holding up a tuberous plant) You know what this is?


[User] A wild carrot?

[Assistant] It's hemlock, you embossed carbuncle.


[User] That's hemlock? You sure?

[Assistant] Did you sell it to anyone?


[User] It was just one branch.

[Assistant] You sold it to Sir William?


[User] No. To the King.

[Assistant] (He looks at Thirteen) It's the only part of the environment you didn't check. The people living in it.


[User] What's going on? Why can't we see William?

[Assistant] Because you poisoned him. Your royal anus. (He holds up the hemlock) With this.


[User] Wild carrots?

[Assistant] Hemlock. I need to know how much you used and how you prepared it.


[User] He's still alive. You want to avoid a murder charge, start talking fast.

[Assistant] The apothecary's willing to testify that you're the only one he gave it to.


[User] Okay, yeah, maybe I bought it for the food challenge, but I didn't know that was hemlock.

[Assistant] If it was for the challenge, then why is wee Willie the only Knight who's dying?


[User] The main markers of hemlock intoxication.

[Assistant] Well, the good news is we now know what's wrong with you. The bad news is that your King's precious ideals were just pretend after all. At least, when it comes to guys who get too close to his Queen.


[User] It's not true.

[Assistant] I guess you've nEver heard the expression, "gas chromatography maParknes don't lie."


[User] Neither does Miles. He's the best Knight I've Ever known. It's why he was chosen King.

[Assistant] Miles is a jealous idiot. And you're just an idiot.


[User] Uh, something's wrong. We performed a gastric lavage and administered activated charcoal, but he's getting worse, not better.

[Assistant] Well, it's been in his system two days. We're lucky he's lasted this long.


[User] Don't do it! (Lucas comes into the office) WhatEver you're planning, especially if you're gonna use that thing. Geez.

[Assistant] It was just sitting in a stone.


[User] (tossing an envelope onto House's lap) Here. It's gonna cost extra, because of the lEvel of detail that you wanted.

[Assistant] Anything good? And by good, I, of course, mean bad.


[User] (sitting down on House's desk) Nope, pretty much your typical life. Married young, got divorced. Married a little less young, got divorced. She's been pretty successful in Everything she's done, except marriage.

[Assistant] (getting up from the chair) Well, there's gotta be something I can use.


[User] Maybe. Didn't read her shrink's notes. Didn't seem right.

[Assistant] But stealing them did.


[User] Sure. (House looks back at Lucas) Oh, him? Yeah, I was just leaving.

[Assistant] Careful. I have a sword.


[User] (pushing the sword toward the floor) I don't agree with what you said. But I understand why you said it. We were married young, we both made mistakes, and yes, I did make most of them. But that was almost a decade ago.

[Assistant] I'm sorry, is that the statutory period for soul sucking?


[User] I'm not asking you to like me, House. To be honest, I think you're an ass. But we do have one thing in common. We care about James.

[Assistant] So prove it. And dump him... again.


[User] You're pretty much insufferable all the time, aren't you?

[Assistant] Sorry, go on. And, yes.


[User] I'm sure I'll be seeing you around.

[Assistant] We did it. Well, I did it.


[User] What exactly did we do? You do?

[Assistant] These aren't focal hepatic lesions on his liver, they're peliosis hepatis lesions. Which in combination with an erratic heart rate, usually indiCates�


[User] Endocarditis. Infection on his heart valve.

[Assistant] Two major symptoms of anabolic steroid abuse.


[User] And the rhabdo makes the third.

[Assistant] Our Patient's a juicer. Ancient poison accelerated the damage of the modern poison. Start treatment; let the King out of the tower.


[User] As much as I would love to clog my arteries, I have a 10 o'clock CT and I still have to race home, get changed.

[Assistant] He's just trying to get into your skirts. And I don't mean metaphorically.


[User] Bye, House.

[Assistant] Have a nice day. I said I'd stay out of it. (He gives Wilson a look).


[User] What?

[Assistant] Nothing.


[User] Clearly, SOMETHING. (We can hear the capitals.)

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] House, on a list of your attributes, there's nothing that Even rhymes with "coy."

[Assistant] Okay, I may have seen something in the fridge. Like the end of your relationship. (Nodding to the fridge) She put the milk in the door and not on the shelf.


[User] It's not a big deal.

[Assistant] You hate that she did that, but you didn't say anything. (Wilson laughs)


[User] You're trying to get us to fight.

[Assistant] No, I'm trying to help. If you got an issue, let her know.


[User] I should have known that you weren't done sabotaging this.

[Assistant] Fine. Stew in your irritation. And sure, last time it bubbled over into resentment and rage, leading ultimately to a painful divorce that neither of you Ever really recovered from, but I'm sure this time it'll be great.


[User] Animals also eat their young and kill their rivals. That make it weird that most of us don't?

[Assistant] Says the guy whose opposable thumbs have been all over how Many women who aren't his wife?


[User] Our Patient's unhappy because she's suffering from an intestinal blockage.

[Assistant] Boring. Then we have to find a reason to rule it out.


[User] Herpes might not register if she was exposed in the last six weeks.

[Assistant] But it would show up on a barium enema. (He drops the file on the table and grabs his cane)


[User] Wait. You're gonna do it?

[Assistant] Barium coats the inner lining of your colon. Lets us get a good look at it on the X-ray.


[User] I'm on painkillers. I'd rather this not be what you think of Every time you look at my butt. (She takes his hand, he smiles, they kiss, he goes. House shakes the enema bag like maracas, Julia smiles lightly).

[Assistant] Okay, roll onto your side. It's fill 'er up time. So is Evelyn his new squeeze?


[User] She's our daughter.

[Assistant] Must be interesting growing up in a production of Oh! Calcutta!


[User] She's six. She knows as much about our sex life as any other kid her age.

[Assistant] You can explain that she's the reason the two of you stayed married.


[User] You've been in the room five minutes. You got us all figured out. Of course, you left out the part where we love each other and we want to grow old together.

[Assistant] But you just don't want to be young together. Tank's full. I'll page the radiology elves.


[User] It stopped hurting during the X-ray, which means it was just an intestinal blockage that passed. We should discharge her.

[Assistant] Absolutely. There's no need to find any underlying cause 'cause these things nEver happen twice. Take her digestive system for a test drive. Give her a radio-opaque milkshake. X-ray Every 15 minutes to see if it makes any unscheduled stops on the way through.


[User] We'll be here all night.

[Assistant] No, Taub will be here all night. Talk to the unicorn and then tell me you don't beliEve. (He puts his glasses on and grabs something to read).


[User] Guy's got a license to drill. Why would he lie about not using it?

[Assistant] That's not the lie. The lie is that he gives a crap about how his wife feels. If they're both screwing around, that's one thing. But if she has a piece on the side and he doesn't, the only way he'd be okay with that is if he's betraying her in some other way that, in his mind, makes them Even. My unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to its face. (He looks sad, somehow.)


[User] No, no, no. He's not being cynical. He's assuming the husband is doing something to Even the score, which means he thinks there is a score, which means, cheating swans aside, House beliEves in monogAmy. He's being roMantic. (During this part, House quits the sad look for a warning one, then gestures his hands to Thirteen tone, like it's music).

[Assistant] What I beliEve is that men are genetically engineered to be jealous. Doesn't matter if I think there's a score. I guarantee you he does. Any of the wife's partners pan out?


[User] She's been with two people other than Tom in the last six months. Neither of them have been outside the tri-state area.

[Assistant] So we're back to the husband.


[User] You just said you beliEved�

[Assistant] He's doing something behind her back. What better cover than a business trip to Nebraska? Like that's really a place.


[User] So paralysis, arrhythmia, and intermittent abdominal pain.

[Assistant] And he nicked himself shaving. Sorry. That was Taub. But it was easier to solve. Means he used the crappy razor in his locker, which means he slept here.


[User] Thanks to you. I brought up open marriage with Rachel. It was a disaster.

[Assistant] On the medical front, we've knocked out sex and foreign travel. Could be an electrolyte imbalance.


[User] You pushed me into this.

[Assistant] Figured it would either blow up your marriage or make it more honest. Either way, you win.


[User] Increased libido can be a symptom of adrenocortical carcinoma, which also explains her other symptoms.

[Assistant] Just because Everybody in this room wishes that all women were horny all the time doesn't make it so. (Chase looks amused.) Get an MRI of her adrenal glands.


[User] If he has a secret, I highly doubt it's more relevant than the clot.

[Assistant] Clotting disorder would explain Everything. (We hear the office door opening.) Question is, which one?


[User] Do you read any of your departmental memos?

[Assistant] Only the ones labeled, "n-s-f-w." Sorry, that's "n-n-s-f-w." Oh, I'm long past the number of procedures that'll bankrupt them.


[User] We'll just give you a few minutes to� (She pinches House's arm and start to go. He turns, but doesn't move).

[Assistant] By "we," she means "she." (Thirteen sighs and stays).


[User] It's not medically relevant. You're not gonna care.

[Assistant] Wilson's been teaParkng me how to care. Try me.


[User] He builds wind turbines and leases them out to local power companies.

[Assistant] You're right. I don't care. (Heavy rubber band shaking). Clotting disorder: DIC. Factor five leiden, antiphospholipid syndrome.


[User] Congratulations, House. Sam ended it.

[Assistant] Go test our Patient's blood!


[User] But it can wait five minutes.

[Assistant] ! for Everything we discussed. (Thirteen leaves. House turns to Wilson.) I'm sorry.


[User] Or you could have stayed out of it. I could have kept my mouth shut, been annoyed sometimes, but I'd be happy, because I'd still be with her. (House listens, still playing with his red rubber band). Now all I have is cold milk. (He starts to leave.)

[Assistant] As long as you're free, you want to grab some dinner? (Wilson looks like he wants to strangle House, but leaves anyway.)


[User] All our tests came back negative. It's not a clotting disorder.

[Assistant] Which means we need to come up with a better idea. So what causes pRoblems in the stomach, heart, nerves? (Taub is waving pages of the file, looking somewhat smug. House stops, takes a deep breath, gets his trademark epiphany look). Oh, my God.


[User] No sign of sParkstocytes or hemolysis. So you're actually going to sleep with another Woman then go home to your wife?

[Assistant] Thank God someone's keeping us focused on what's really important. (He sits next to Taub and watches him closely.)


[User] Taub was gonna do all of that anyway. Pulmonary arterial hypertension.

[Assistant] Imaging showed normal diameter in her pulmonary artery. Here's a thought � (They all pay attention.) Taub's wife is now totally on the market. Mind hitting me with her digits?


[User] Get the portable ultrasound in here. We need to get a look at her belly.

[Assistant] Pain, pain went away, came back another day. Question is, what brought it back?


[User] Patient. Abdominal pain.

[Assistant] Yeah, he's right. Let's get this wrapped up before 6. Taub turns back into a faithful pumpkin at midnight.


[User] My point was that arousal is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. If that's where the pRoblem is, the pain could be triggered by crying, which seems�

[Assistant] PNS also controls digestion, which she's been doing without screaming her head off since she's been here.


[User] When this happens in adults, it's usually a sign of abdominal cancer. We'll fix the overlap, and then search your intestine for tumors.

[Assistant] Foam?


[User] I have a bad feeling about this.

[Assistant] Nothing. That's the beauty. I genuinely tried to help Wilson. I told him to stand up for himself, which you know is legitimate advice. And his relationship blew up.


[User] So you're paying it forward?

[Assistant] If this should somehow lead to Lucas dying or oral sex, so be it. (Cuddy looks somewhat entertained.)


[User] Or her declining kidney function. We ran panels during surgery.

[Assistant] Actually, IBD does make sense, 'cause it could trigger ankylosing spondylitis, which would explain the heart and the kidneys. Start her on sulfasalazine and TNF inhibitors. (They follow him in the corridor. House enters the elevator.) Oh, and Taub, I'm not gonna see you before you head off for Gomorrah. Just remember, if you get disoriented! breathe through your nose and look for the horizon.


[User] We've gone from too few ideas to too Many, and our Patient's running out of time.

[Assistant] Why the lack of afterglow? Physio girl not as freaky as you'd hoped?


[User] I can't hurt Rachel like that. Sickle cell anemia would have shown on blood tests. No flattened intestinal villi rules out celiac. (They all stare at him. He stops.) Seriously? Our Patient's dying, and we can't move past my sex life?

[Assistant] Seriously, you'd think it'd kill her if we spend 15 seconds mocking you?


[User] And it can't be Henoch-Schonlein purpura. (He crosses it off.) No inciting respiratory infection and no rash.

[Assistant] I don't care what it's not. I want to know what it could be.


[User] Sarcoidosis makes sense too.

[Assistant] Good. Treat for those three.


[User] "O" for three. Her kidney function is still declining. We're gonna need to start dialysis.

[Assistant] Glad the husband's back. After missing so Many little deaths, he should be here for the big one. Top six, anyone?


[User] Polyarteritis nodosa?

[Assistant] We'd have seen some improvement on prednisone. (Looking at flowers in the room.) Guy's wife's dying, and he stops to buy flowers.


[User] They're from his garden. Mercury poisoning fits.

[Assistant] Those are lilacs. My mom used to grow lilacs. My dad made her get rid of them, 'cause there were too Many bees. We ruled out HSP 'cause there was no inciting respiratory infection. But in rare cases, it can also be triggered by a bee sting.


[User] We also ruled it out because there's no rash.

[Assistant] Maybe we just didn't see it. Have you been stung by a bee recently?


[User] I don't.

[Assistant] Not that you know of. Okay, I'm gonna have to check your holes. I'll start with the mouth. If there's nothing there, then things might have to get kinky. Say aah. (He gets a light.)


[User] Aah. (When she opens her mouth, we all see a purpuric rash on the roof of her mouth. House looks disappointed.)

[Assistant] I was kinda hoping for kinky.


[User] I'm gonna be okay. I love you. (They hold hands. The team leaves the room.)

[Assistant] That is adorable. Other than you still wanting to have sex with other dudes, and him bankrupting your family, I think you kids are pretty much home free.


[User] And! (He puts down some more cards. House enters the room and looks at them.)

[Assistant] You two made up? You can thank me later.


[User] (from another room) Esteban, start getting ready.

[Assistant] I met the neighbors.


[User] (talking on the phone) I don't need a temporary. I need a perManent. Yesterday. Please do.

[Assistant] Good morning.


[User] Hardly. One of my P.A.s quit an hour ago, and I have to reshuffle next month's schedule.

[Assistant] (checking his own message slips) That's nothing. I woke up in the wrong bed this morning.


[User] Any bed you're in is the wrong one.

[Assistant] (looking at Jeffrey over the top of his sunglasses) That's not what your mama said. (snapping his fingers in the air) Oh! Snap.


[User] I'll be going now. (He closes a file and leaves) To HuMan Resources.

[Assistant] He started it. It was the neighbor's kid's bed. Luckily, Esteban still likes sleeping with mommy.


[User] How drunk were you?

[Assistant] About yea drunk.


[User] Are you okay? You shouldn't be drinking at all, much less�

[Assistant] You sound just like Esteban's mom.


[User] I need you in the clinic.

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm busy. (to Chase) Tell me you have a case. You know, Even if you don't.


[User] I have a case.

[Assistant] Sounds interesting. I'll take it. (They walk away from Cuddy) I owe you one. Now tell me you don't have a case.


[User] I really do have a case.

[Assistant] We're Even. You guys know how to Honeymoon. (He tosses his cane and then his backpack to Chase)


[User] He can't speak.

[Assistant] "Aphasia" is Greek for loss of voice.


[User] We've ruled out infection, vocal cord damage, and stroke.

[Assistant] (looking at Nicole) A lot of guys syncope at the altar. It's Greek for "having the vapors."


[User] We ruled out all the common causes of fainting: Low blood pressure, hypoglycemia, dehydration.

[Assistant] Don't say "ah."


[User] Do you know what it is?

[Assistant] (tossing the tongue depressor in the trash) Roll on your side and lift up your gown. There's one thing they didn't test for.


[User] A test for what?

[Assistant] Faking.


[User] Ow!

[Assistant] Test was positive.


[User] (rolling back over) I� I can� I can talk. I� I wasn't faking. My voice just came back right now.

[Assistant] Hey, I'm not the one you have to convince.


[User] I know he wasn't faking.

[Assistant] Well, if she's buying that, she might just be a keeper.


[User] What about the syncope?

[Assistant] Well, the� (House pretends to faint and collapses onto Ted's bed) Is she buying this too?


[User] Why would he fake anything?

[Assistant] (getting up off the bed) Kryo podia. It's Greek for "duh." (taking his cane and backpack from Chase) Still, you get to keep the engagement ring.


[User] I don't think he was faking.

[Assistant] That's because you're more gullible than I am. (they stop at the elevator) For instance, I don't beliEve that you called off your open marriage. I beliEve your wife called it off, and you called off telling her that you weren't calling it off. A guy doesn't just throw a golden ticket in the trash.


[User] The same way a guy doesn't give up a lucrative medical practice to come work for you?

[Assistant] That's exactly why you dabble. You're compensating for your professional conquests with sexual ones.


[User] I'm not that predictable. For example, you're pRobably not expecting me to ask you out for dinner tonight.

[Assistant] No, thanks.


[User] You won't Even consider it?

[Assistant] I did, just very quickly.


[User] The truth is, since I called this thing off, my wife has been very grateful and I could do with a down night. If I go out with the boss, nobody can blame me.

[Assistant] Okay. If you bring your wife.


[User] No. That's the point. I need a little�

[Assistant] You're lying.


[User] I'm not lying.

[Assistant] Then I'm not going.


[User] Ted, what's wrong? Are you� what's wrong? Oh, my God. Can somebody help us? (Ted collapses to his knees and a nurse runs toward them) Please! Please hurry. Just breathe. Oh, my God.

[Assistant] There's gotta be a better way to call off a wedding. A Tweet, for example.


[User] There's at least 200 ccs of fluid in there.

[Assistant] (turning around to look at the team) Okay, let's say all his symptoms are real. Explain how one of them suddenly went away without using the words "virgin" or "Mary."


[User] ER ruled out infection. Eosinophil count ruled out parasites.

[Assistant] A medication he's not telling us about.


[User] You really don't trust this guy, do you?

[Assistant] I don't Even trust the ER. Let's rule out infections ourselves. Tap his lungs, send cultures, run cytology for cancer, and check his blood pressure.


[User] We already�

[Assistant] This time, talk about nuptials while you do it. Check his home for Everything else.


[User] He just moved in with his fiancee three months ago. Toxic exposure could take longer than that to Manifest.

[Assistant] (to Foreman) You check his love nest. (to Taub and Thirteen) You two check his swinging bachelor pad.


[User] That somebody else now lives in?

[Assistant] I assume so.


[User] I'm not gay.

[Assistant] Really? 'Cause it would certainly explain the cold feet. Oh, and the boyfriend.


[User] After three years?

[Assistant] Well, it's possible. It doesn't mean you're gay just 'cause the guy you're sleeping with is.


[User] Lung tap turned up mononucleosis. ER doesn't routinely test for it. It explains the PE and can be virtually asymptomatic.

[Assistant] So we got to wondering, how does a 27-year-old get mono? You're a little old for the kissing disease, unless your immune system is compromised.


[User] There's been no sex of any kind.

[Assistant] Okay. I'll go test your fiancee for HIV. Is she the curious sort?


[User] Wait. There may have been some (pause) contact, but I'm not gay.

[Assistant] Sodomy, one of the top ten most common Household accidents.


[User] They gave him electroconvulsive therapy to make him straight?

[Assistant] To zap the fabulous right out of him.


[User] ECT doesn't cause neural damage.

[Assistant] Unless it was done at Dr. Liberace's he-Man quackery camp. Run an EEG. See if they straightened him or just scrambled him.


[User] (sitting down across from House) Sorry. I completely forgot. My wife just started a ceramics class Tuesdays at 8:00. It's a half-hour drive from here. She won't be back till 10:30. (He looks up at House, who doesn't beliEve him) She's taking it with her girlfriend Marly. She hopes to make a tea service. You want to call her?

[Assistant] No need. I already texted her. And here she is now. (leaning in close) I think you're still seeing the physio. (Taub turns back to House) You've got a backup suit in your car. Don't want to be bringing home da stank.


[User] (talking quietly and quickly) Okay, yes, you're right, about Everything. But please, House. Don't tell her.

[Assistant] Hi, Rachel.


[User] Hi, Dr. House. I didn't know you'd be here. (Rachel and Taub kiss, and House stands up) Hi, Honey. Got your text, obviously.

[Assistant] (looking very pleased with himself) I'm just leaving. I've got a ceramics class.


[User] (looking surprised) Really?

[Assistant] I love it. Even Managed to talk Chris into signing up for one. Of course, he's in the beginners' class.


[User] (looking at Taub) You're in a ceramics class?

[Assistant] Friday nights, right?


[User] Friday nights. Sounded like fun.

[Assistant] You should join Chris'.


[User] You know, I should.

[Assistant] Well, gotta go. Making a tea service. (He pats Taub on the shoulder as he leaves)


[User] So what caused the arrest?

[Assistant] Four ways to stop a heart. (He walks toward Taub) Electrical pRoblems, restricted blood flow, blood where it shouldn't be, shocks, blocks, or bleeds.


[User] I think that's three things.

[Assistant] (looking at Taub) And cheating. (he guffaws) Oh, no. Sorry. That's how you break a heart.


[User] (to House) I found a ceramics class in Trenton on Friday nights that was full so my wife couldn't join me. (turning to address the team) EP study ruled out shocks.

[Assistant] Now you just have to find some pottery by Taub. The lamer it looks, the better.


[User] So we'll do an angio to see if it's blocks or bleeds.

[Assistant] You should be a doctor.


[User] I'm gonna check out this new lesbian bar tonight.

[Assistant] Your life is awesome.


[User] (hanging up the phone) I was telling a 33-year-old Woman that she has breast cancer.

[Assistant] No, you weren't.


[User] How do you know?

[Assistant] Because if you were, you'd need to see the pain in her eyes so she could see the concern in yours. Why are you setting me up on dates with my team? (Wilson shakes his head) Taub asking me out was quirky, but Thirteen doing it is a barking cat.


[User] I'm doing it to help you.

[Assistant] By setting me up with a hottie that I can't sleep with? And Thirteen?


[User] I've been spending more time with Sam. I know it's been hard on you. I figured if you had some company�

[Assistant] I don't need your help.


[User] Then consider it helping our neighbor's four-year-old.

[Assistant] I gave him a dollar. How much did you have to pay?


[User] Nothing. I just told them you might be feeling down and it was in their self-interest to keep you company. (House doesn't beliEve him) 100 bucks, Foreman held out for 2. (House looks offended) House, I'm worried about you. You could have ended up in jail or worse.

[Assistant] Racking you with guilt. So I do something really stupid and you reward me. Read any parenting Manual. That's not helping me. That's helping you.


[User] Fine, I did it for me, for my relationship, out of pure self-interest.

[Assistant] Okay.


[User] You'll do it?

[Assistant] For you.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] It's not gonna work, though.


[User] Fainted.

[Assistant] P.O.T.S. - Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. BP plummets when he's upright, rEverts to normal when he's lying down.


[User] P.O.T.S. can be brought on by a viral or bacterial infection such as mono.

[Assistant] So load him up with fludrocortisone. (to Taub) You didn't read your ceramics course description, did you?


[User] Yeah. You did?

[Assistant] As I'm sure your wife did. So we all know they're doing a fourth of July theme. She'll be expecting something star-spangled.


[User] He's got sEvere headaches.

[Assistant] So do I. Should I call or raise with a double gutshot draw? No. What about infection?


[User] That's what we're thinking. Cerebral infection would explain the headaches, could have caused P.O.T.S. If it's fungal, it could have spread to the heart.

[Assistant] I was talking about you. Has the little gent been wearing a tent?


[User] Remind me why that has anything to do with you.

[Assistant] A distracted person makes a distracted professional.


[User] And destroying my marriage will help me focus.

[Assistant] PRobably. Do a spinal tap. Run the CSF. (Taub starts to leave) Still talking about you. (Taub stops and turns back to House) But you can do it on the Patient, too, if you want. (Taub leaves) (nodding) What about her?


[User] The Bartender?

[Assistant] She's the only one who's not here for fun.


[User] Trust me, she's not straight.

[Assistant] If your gaydar is so great, how come you didn't know about the Patient till you met his boyfriend?


[User] The guy walked in with his bride. It took me a while to rotate my dish. It's unbelievable what he's doing to her.

[Assistant] You don't think he loves her?


[User] He may love her, but he needs to have sex with other men.

[Assistant] Taub loves his wife, but he needs to have sex with other women.


[User] Yeah, it sucks what he's doing to her too, but it's hardly the same. To be faithful to his wife, our Patient has to deny his identity. Taub just needs to�

[Assistant] (finishing her sentence) to resist a biological imperative.


[User] It is easier to say no to dessert than to pretend you don't eat.

[Assistant] Says someone who's obviously nEver been on a diet.


[User] Oh, yeah. My life's a breeze.

[Assistant] You're successful, smart, and you attract Everything that moves. If you want to focus on the fact that you're not gonna see 50, that's your choice.


[User] You know what? I agree with you. My self-pity's optional. What about yours?

[Assistant] (answering the phone) Yeah?


[User] CSF was negative for infection, and his headaches are worse.

[Assistant] We were just talking about you.


[User] It's not P.O.T.S., we're back to square one.

[Assistant] (into the phone) Not quite. You did a spinal tap, but the headaches got worse.


[User] We're maxing him out on morphine.

[Assistant] He sprung a leak. He's losing CSF from the tap site.


[User] We made his headaches worse?

[Assistant] Just you, actually.


[User] That still wouldn't explain why he got the headaches in the first place.

[Assistant] The low pressure in his brain caused the P.O.T.S., not the other way around. Patch the leak and top him up with artificial CSF. (He closes his phone)


[User] It's really not P.O.T.S. We're really back to square one.

[Assistant] So what's masquerading as a stroke? Voted the worst Halloween costume, by the way.


[User] Sarcoidosis?

[Assistant] Chest x-rays showed no hilar masses. (to Taub) Any luck with the pottery?


[User] Wasn't easy. Bought a suitably cruddy set of fife and drum napkin rings online. (diagnosing again) Scleroderma?

[Assistant] Skin's fine. A.N.A. was negative. So what did that set you back?


[User] Too much. I got into a bidding war with some lunatic. Histoplasmosis.

[Assistant] EIA was clear. Hey, could have gone a lot higher than $215.


[User] What about MELAS? Mitochondrial encephalomyopathy, lactic acidosis, and stroke-like episodes.

[Assistant] NILLAS. No. Idiot. Lactate. LEvels. Are. Stable. We're missing something.


[User] We know how much we can trust his history.

[Assistant] If history is written by the victor, how do we find out what really happened?


[User] Talk to the loser.

[Assistant] Call the boyfriend. Let's get them all in the same room.


[User] Or we could question them separately and not torture them.

[Assistant] Or we could get them all in the same room and get the truth.


[User] (sounding like he knows House is expecting the invitation) Oh. Drinks are on me and Foreman tonight.

[Assistant] Can't. Pap smear.


[User] We don't want to do it either, but Wilson already paid us.

[Assistant] It's gonna suck.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] Where and when?


[User] Nobody wants to follow that.

[Assistant] The night just keeps getting better. To Wilson.


[User] You're lactating.

[Assistant] If he can't tell his fiancee he's gay, how is he gonna tell her he's pregnant?


[User] So something else screwed up his thyroid. Graves, Hashimoto's.

[Assistant] Nope. TSH was normal.


[User] Didn't say "cancer." Prolactinomas can be benign.

[Assistant] Check his prolactin lEvel, then MRI his pituitary.


[User] Sounds like you had fun last night.

[Assistant] You beliEve Chase?


[User] I beliEve Foreman. And they had fun with you. What happened?

[Assistant] I realized that they could be my friends.


[User] You're serious.

[Assistant] And then I sobered up.


[User] You weren't that drunk. You Managed to find your way into your own little bed last night.

[Assistant] I think I sleep better in rocket ship sheets.


[User] No, you want to blame this on the booze, but that's easy. Change is hard.

[Assistant] And wisdom is knowing the difference between what you can change... (House pauses and reaches for his cane. This is the medical epiphany moment) And what you were born with.


[User] Pituitary MRI�

[Assistant] (finishing Taub's sentence) was normal. How are the headaches?


[User] Terrible.

[Assistant] Give me your head.


[User] What the hell?

[Assistant] I know. It's the first time you've heard that sentence with a possessive pronoun.


[User] Okay, enough.

[Assistant] How cool is that? You have a Parkari malformation, a narrowing in the base of your skull that can cut off CSF flow. But it wasn't a pRoblem until the ECT at breeder boot camp caused your brain to swell just enough to plug the opening. And when your brain pressed up against your pituitary, it signed you up for La Leche League. You still won't be pitParkng a tent for your lady, but that's just because, you know, she's a lady.


[User] Its orthostatic effect was mimicking P.O.T.S.

[Assistant] It also does an uncanny Christopher Walken. Unfortunately, if you treat it like P.O.T.S., it gets worse. So, as far as that goes, oops.


[User] So how did I get this thing?

[Assistant] Overbearing mother. Kidding. CM's congenital. Like so Many other things, you were born that way.


[User] (calling after her as she leaves) I want to marry you. I have to marry you. Nic!

[Assistant] It's Friday night.


[User] I called it off. For real this time.

[Assistant] Frees you up for the next one.


[User] One day at a time. (handing the box to House) Napkin rings. My way of saying thanks.

[Assistant] (taking the box) For trying to wreck your marriage?


[User] For trying to save it.

[Assistant] And I get napkin rings?


[User] I hired a replacement. For my P.A. She seems great.

[Assistant] Good work.


[User] You too. Your Patient's going home tomorrow.

[Assistant] He doesn't have a home.


[User] (She walks into the room) You want to grab a bite to eat?

[Assistant] So Wilson got to you too?


[User] No. This is just me.

[Assistant] Lucas?


[User] Working late. (she smiles uncomfortably) I'm buying.

[Assistant] I'm not that hungry.


[User] I just want us to be friends.

[Assistant] (very seriously) Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be. Okay. "Therafy" me.


[User] You're late.

[Assistant] You're fat.


[User] It's unusual.

[Assistant] You know how far the Parking lot is? My leg's been hurting.


[User] Anything been on your mind lately, any particular stress?

[Assistant] No. PRobably just gonna rain. [He grips his right thigh and looks off to his right, avoiding Nolan's gaze.]


[User] Mm-hmm. You like the new Monet reproduction in the waiting room � the Water Lilies?

[Assistant] I was late. I wasn't focusing on the decor, but it sounds appropriately bland and calming.


[User] Stress can also make you absentminded.

[Assistant] I'm not stressed! Beyond the stress induced by you telling me how stressed I am.


[User] Just an ordinary week. [House stares at him but doesn't say anything.] Okay. [He settles back in his chair, smiling.] Tell me about it.

[Assistant] I had a Patient.


[User] House. Good. I have a case for you.

[Assistant] [removing his sunglasses] Beer?


[User] Amnesia. She was found jogging in the street, disoriented. She almost got hit by a truck. [She pulls open the curtain around Ms. X's bed.] The MRI showed no abnormalities. No I.D. on her. Just her jogging clothes and her heart rate monitor. We know absolutely nothing about her.

[Assistant] We know she has money. [He picks up a sneaker.] Blaze Outriggers � 400 bucks a pair. People who have money don't just disappear. Sooner or later, someone's gonna show up looking for her.


[User] She just ate 15 minutes ago. She keeps forgetting.

[Assistant] You don't eat because you remember it's time to eat. You eat 'cause you're hungry. [He pulls the blanket off her legs and feels her calves.] Her metabolism is in high gear. She is an extreme long-distance runner�


[User] [voice over] Why were you in the ER?

[Assistant] [still looking at the Patient] That's your question? [back in Nolan's office, Nolan nods] You're a psychotherapist. You're hearing about a great amnesia case, and all you're asking me is geography.


[User] [quietly] Just curious.

[Assistant] [defiant for a moment, then he drops his eyes] I was avoiding Wilson. It's not something you couldn't have seen eight miles away. [voice over] Wilson's a processor. I knew there were some things that he'd want to process with me! at length.


[User] Sam's moving in.

[Assistant] If it's before Friday, your assistant wins the pool. [He takes a bite of his muffin.]


[User] I was just wondering what your plans were.

[Assistant] Tonight?


[User] In life. Sam likes you!

[Assistant] But she wants me to move out.


[User] No. I want you to move out. I didn't know things with Sam would happen so quickly. I d"�I don't want to make a mistake here. I've made a lot of mistakes.

[Assistant] By moving too quickly. Given your usual rate of commitment, I'm surprised you're not already re-divorced.


[User] [looking guilty] I could help you find a place.

[Assistant] What's wrong with my old place?


[User] Nothing. I just thought! You might want to find somewhere new, somewhere!

[Assistant] [nodding] Where I didn't abuse drugs and hallucinate.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] I'm fine.


[User] You're fine? [back in the office] Your best friend is tossing you out, and you're fine?

[Assistant] Why wouldn't I be?


[User] You're not feeling a little! betrayed and angry? Wilson bought a two-bedroom condo specifically so that you could move in with him. It wasn't that long ago. You don't feel a little! jerked around?

[Assistant] He couldn't foresee Sam coming back into his life.


[User] That's a very rational defense of your friend. And, uh, I'm not buying it.

[Assistant] Based on what?


[User] Based on the fact that you were late, and you didn't notice the pictures in the outer office.

[Assistant] Those aren't symptoms.


[User] They are to me. And here's another one. You took the case. Hmm? No negotiating, no bargaining. No clinic hours changed hands. Were you looking for something to distract you from the fact that your best friend just threw you out?

[Assistant] Case was interesting.


[User] It's not organic. It's not mysterious. Most likely some psychologically traumatic Event occurred that made the Patient's brain choose to forget Everything.

[Assistant] [slight smile] Or not. Here. Loss of differentiation between gray and white matter. [He points to an area on the scan.]


[User] [standing next to House] Do I need to know this?

[Assistant] Fine. I'll give you the Cliff Notes version. Chase "� MS, Taub "� physical trauma. I can tell you why we ruled them out.


[User] Good luck with that.

[Assistant] Her heart rate monitor has a serial number. The distributor can match the number to the store that sold it. She's a serious athlete. She might have been there often enough to be remembered.


[User] Did he really say that?

[Assistant] Subtextually.


[User] Long shot.

[Assistant] Even if the store clerk doesn't know who she is, the store's pRobably close to where she lives. Just seeing those surroundings might sPark a memory.


[User] You want us to take her there?

[Assistant] No. I'll take her.


[User] Really? [Back in Nolan's office.] Uh, it's unusual for you to spend time with a Patient, isn't it?

[Assistant] Patients are boring! As people. This one I'm sure was no exception, but her situation was interesting. Besides, I was still avoiding Wilson. And no better way to avoid than leaving the hospital.


[User] Maybe. Or were you avoiding going home? There's a reason they tell addicts to stay away from old geography.

[Assistant] I wasn't avoiding going home. I'd already gone home! [voice over] Before I came into work that day. I went straight there from Wilson's.


[User] [in the lobby] Alvie? Juan Alvarez � you let him stay at your place?

[Assistant] Not exactly.


[User] I was beginning to wonder if you were Ever gonna show up. Su casa, mi casa. Casa!

[Assistant] Why are you here?


[User] When I left Mayfield, I went back to the old neighborhood. You know, you shouldn't leave the bathroom window unlocked.

[Assistant] Yeah, thanks for the safety lesson. Why are you here?


[User] Like I said, when I went back to the neighborhood, I found out immigration was looking for me. So I decided to visit my old buddy House!

[Assistant] And turn his apartment into a giant prison jumpsuit.


[User] Juan Alvarez is no freeloader. I do my part, earn my keep. The first week I made your dinner, but you nEver showed up. The second week I organized your stuff.

[Assistant] My stuff?


[User] But still, you nEver showed up. So this week, since I'm a real good painter, I decided to�

[Assistant] Coffee table � where'd you put it? In the bedroom?


[User] The paint's not cheap, House. It's a custom color. It's a mix of titanium, yellow, and ochre. Ochre � I don't Even like that stuff. It's like a fruit. It's got hair on it. But they say it's a vegetable�

[Assistant] You sold my table to pay for paint that I don't want?


[User] [embarrassed] I had to sell some other things too.

[Assistant] Get out.


[User] No, papa, just give the color a chance.

[Assistant] Look, I'm going to work now. And when I come back, the walls will be a less exciting color, and you will be gone. [He drops a duffle bag on the floor with a thud.]


[User] So Wilson threw you out, and you threw Alvie out � just, uh, another week?

[Assistant] Unlike me, Alvie didn't leave. I took my motorcycle to work that day. When I went home to get my car, he was painting the ceiling magenta. So I brought him with me to protect the apartment.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] To protect the apartment. Whoa. Deja vu.


[User] Tossing him out or, uh, sending him to the movies or, uh, locking him in the bathroom would also minimize Alvie's destructive force. But you chose his company deliberately. Why?

[Assistant] Obviously because he's a Wilson substitute. You can barely tell the difference between them, especially when Wilson raps about the hood.


[User] I'm not suggesting Alvie's a substitute, but he would make a great distraction.

[Assistant] From what?


[User] Maybe the heart rate monitor was a gift. That's why no one recognized her.

[Assistant] Shut up, Alvie. Anything familiar! Church, grocery store?


[User] It's okay, Ms. X. Maybe she's nEver been to this town before, bought the heart rate monitor on the store's website.

[Assistant] You know that Puerto Ricans are U.S. citizens, right? Instead of working the case, why don't you contemplate the inanity of an American with American immigration issues?


[User] I had a birth certifiCate. I lost it.

[Assistant] So get a new one.


[User] I tried that, House. But the town hall had burned down when I was a kid, destroyed the records.

[Assistant] There's only one copy?


[User] They tried to make me fill out a whole bunch of forms before they'd give it to me. I decided it would be quicker and easier to do it myself.

[Assistant] How'd that go?


[User] What if nothing Ever looks familiar?

[Assistant] Then someone will show up � a spouse, a friend � to tell you who you really are and what you should be feeling. They always do.


[User] I don't know who that is! But I miss him.

[Assistant] What did they say at the hearing?


[User] I didn't go. I lied once.

[Assistant] Your mother is Puerto Rican, therefore, you are Puerto Rican. All you got to do is prove your mom's your mom, find some documentation�


[User] People like that don't listen to people like me. Doughnuts! [distracted and very excited] Hey, House, let's get doughnuts!

[Assistant] Alvie, the hearing�


[User] Everyone loves doughnuts � glazed, crullers, elephant ears, Even doughnut holes. Much better than the sporting goods store. I bet Mrs. X went there all the time.

[Assistant] We're not here� [voice over] And then I realized! [to Alvie] You make a good point.


[User] Dozen glazed, dozen jelly-filled? [She points to Ms. X] You want the usual, right?

[Assistant] Your old friend, the fried carbohydrate. [to the cashier] She needed the calorically dense food to support the running habit. Do you know her name?


[User] Sandy! Or Shelley. I don't know. The guy she's with called her that once. I just work here.

[Assistant] Do you know where they live?


[User] The police said it was too soon to do anything, so I started calling hospitals on my own. Princeton Plainsboro wasn't Even on my list. You really think something around here could have made her sick?

[Assistant] Here, work, anywhere she could have been exposed. Why wasn't Princeton Plainsboro on your list?


[User] That doesn't sound like me.

[Assistant] Do you have any idea what would sound like you?


[User] [voice over] So what were you thinking during all this?

[Assistant] [voice over] That it was a strange position to be in. At that moment, she was more comfortable with me than with her husband. And he was picking up on it.


[User] [back in the office] What about you?

[Assistant] What about me how?


[User] Well, there was a sort of, um, artificial intimacy between you? She had been dependent on you. Uh, did you find that attractive on some lEvel? Disturbing?

[Assistant] Those are my two choices? None of the above. She was just a Patient. She was interesting.


[User] You know, she just won a settlement for some families whose housing dEvelopment was built on an old methane field.

[Assistant] Toxic exposure to methane could explain this.


[User] All right, it's nothing personal. Bet she didn't think you were her type back when you first met either.

[Assistant] We'll take her back to the hospital, test her blood and urine and start treatment.


[User] Oh! I'm all right.

[Assistant] What happened?


[User] Her pants are wet.

[Assistant] Urinary incontinence. [He checks Sidney's eyes.] She's having complex partial seizures. This isn't methane. And you can leave the bucket. We need to get her to�


[User] [voice over] Seizures? [back in the office] This is the second diagnosis you've come up with that has a personal resonance for you.

[Assistant] I'm choosing my diagnoses based on personal issues? You think she fell down the stairs and peed her pants 'cause Wilson dumped her too?


[User] You're choosing to tell me about this case, so let's look at it. First you were fixated on a harmful toxin from her past, possibly because you're worried about a harmful toxin from your own past.

[Assistant] Chase had the toxin idea. Maybe he's obsessed with my past.


[User] And"�and now you're talking about a seizure disorder?

[Assistant] Which is also not a toxin.


[User] But which is most likely caused by an old injury to the brain. Wh"�why do you see your past as such a threat?

[Assistant] Not only am I unthreatened by it, I was trying to get it back. There's a ding mark.


[User] It's a piece of junk. It was dinged when it came in.

[Assistant] Sure, the"�the cup marks and the scuffs and the paint and those three Parkps. This fourth one's new.


[User] That should be it.

[Assistant] You said you pawned five books. There's only four.


[User] That's all there is.

[Assistant] Where's "Approach to the Acute Abdomen"�?


[User] Sold it.

[Assistant] To?


[User] I can't tell you. It's a law, and should be. Crazy bastards like you try to hunt down their stuff.

[Assistant] How much for the pile?


[User] $500.

[Assistant] [stunned] You said it was junk.


[User] Why is it so important that you get your stuff back?

[Assistant] Unlike the rest of huManity! Who's okay when their belongings are taken. Everyone wants their stuff. That's why it's their stuff.


[User] Everyone doesn't pay five times what it's worth.

[Assistant] I like my stuff. I hate it when Wilson moves it�


[User] Oh!

[Assistant] This is not about Wilson! [He slams his fist on the table, causing the carafe and glasses to jump. Nolan tilts his head and looks at House. House sits for a minute then taps on the table, breaking his mood.] Say it.


[User] I wasn't gonna say anything.

[Assistant] 31, 31! Hike!


[User] First down!

[Assistant] One more, you get a touchdown.


[User] Whoo!

[Assistant] Hike!


[User] Huh! [House, holding the ball, goes to open the door.] House, you can't run for the touchdown.

[Assistant] And! hike!


[User] [voice over] Wait, wait, wait. Wait. [Alvie freezes in midair, having just caught the ball. Cut to Nolan's office.] You seriously thought you were gonna tell me that Wilson showed up but not tell me what he said?

[Assistant] Because I thought you were a smart guy who didn't need the obvious spelled out to him. Wilson noticed that I didn't come to my office all day. He came to find me, wanted to make sure I'm okay � boring, boring, boring.


[User] House, House, stop! Stop, stop, stop.

[Assistant] You okay?


[User] Yeah. It was my mother's. She died when I was four. It's all I have left.

[Assistant] That's very sad, Alvie. Listen, I set up an immigration hearing.


[User] Um, interesting. You present yourself as, uh, not giving a damn about other people's emotions, but your actions indiCate otherwise. You dismiss Alvie's story about his mother, but you cared enough to schedule a hearing.

[Assistant] I cared for eight seconds. Then I got distracted. Yeah.


[User] [voice over] We've kept the Patient up for 12 hours now. No hint of seizure-like activity. We should shut this down.

[Assistant] Try a stRobe light, add more stress.


[User] [puts the phone back to his ear] Apparently, without her memory, the Patient's personality has returned to what you might call its "natural state."�

[Assistant] Seems she had a wake-up call while she was at college. Her brother died in a car accident. She decided to make her life mean something. Went to law school. Now that's all gone.


[User] The thing that caused the change is gone! So the change itself is gone.

[Assistant] Yeah. I knew the psychological aspects of this case would interest you. Bet you got a theory already. What is it?


[User] It's not relevant.

[Assistant] [deliberately] What is it?


[User] Why do you care about my theory?

[Assistant] I think he just! bores her. She's at an earlier stage of dEvelopment. She's looking at her grown-up future, and it puts her to sleep.


[User] If he just bored her, she'd hide it to be polite. Their pRoblem is synchronicity. Just like you and me, House, they're not on the same page. He talks to her like someone he shares history with. But from her point of view, he's a stranger forcing intimacy on her. Of course she doesn't like him. He's not helping. He can feel he's losing his wife, and it makes him come on stronger.

[Assistant] He almost did lose his wife.


[User] And the D.I. came from damage to the hypothalamus.

[Assistant] [pointing to the image on the monitor] Hypothalamus here, hence the D.I. and incontinence. The Amygdala here, hence the global amnesia. And the motor cortex �that's the foot paralysis. What do they all have in common?


[User] [voice over. House turns toward the voice] Okay, now you're just doing this to mess with me. [cut to Nolan's office] What possible relevance does this differential have to your pRoblems?

[Assistant] It ends with a diagnosis of spongiform encephalitis. I convinced the team to cut out part of this Woman's brain. That's not interesting to you?


[User] No. [He has his hand over his face and he sounds weary.]

[Assistant] Not Even if it's the Amygdala? She'll lose all her long-term memory.


[User] Well, this is where you tell me that being cavalier with someone else's past has nothing to do with avoiding your own past. The case is irrelevant. You just found it, uh! interesting.

[Assistant] [rubbing at his scalp with his fingertips as if he's washing his hair] Aren't therapists supposed to be nurturing?


[User] Nowhere! is that in the Manual. Look, you"�you've been in therapy for a year. You know when I ask you to talk about anything, I mean anything that affects you �what upset you, what made you mad or reliEved or joyful. You want me to beliEve that this case means nothing? Then, um! why should I listen to it?

[Assistant] Are you charging me for this time?


[User] [not looking up] Yes.

[Assistant] This is ridiculous.


[User] What's that? On the back of your arm?

[Assistant] It's just a bruise. And I fell.


[User] You remember falling?

[Assistant] No. I was drunk! Hence the balance issues. [He reaches for his jacket.]


[User] Well, it looks like you fell on the tip of someone's boot.

[Assistant] I said something that someone objected to.


[User] Well, if you don't remember, then how can you�

[Assistant] It's usually the way it is when someone hits me. People who kick when you're down are jerks, but they're generally not irrational jerks.


[User] You got drunk enough to get into a bar fight and not remember, and you've been insisting that Everything's fine? W"�why"�why go out and get blind drunk? Were you looking for a fight?

[Assistant] I don't know.


[User] [closing the magazine] What have you screwed up?

[Assistant] [puzzled] What?


[User] You say that when you've been hit in the past, it's because you provoked it with something that you said, which means you're well aware of the risks. So on some lEvel, you were in that bar looking for someone to hurt you. Logically, people punish themselves for something they did or something they didn't do. So what! did you screw up?

[Assistant] [thinks, then shakes his head. speaks quietly] I don't know. [long pause] Okay, there may be a pRoblem.


[User] I told him your book was contaminated with Anthrax spores. Then I gave him $300. [holds up a slip of paper] The address of the buyer. [pause] Maybe I was hasty in asking you to move out. Why don't you stay with me and Sam for a little while? There's no need to hurry things.

[Assistant] What prompted this?


[User] Look, the whole idea was that after Mayfield, you wouldn't be on your own. I can touch base with you a lot more easily if you're staying with me than�

[Assistant] [grabbing the address] God's sake, Wilson. You really span the chasm from wishy to washy. If you're gonna be an ass, be an ass. Stick with it.


[User] Why were you being so hard on the guy, when he was being conciliatory?

[Assistant] Come on. Cuddy played on his guilt. She put him up to this.


[User] How do you know that? How do you know this wasn't entirely his own idea?

[Assistant] Two reasons � first, he wants to create the perfect environment to be with Sam. He's been thinking about asking me to leave for a while. Finally he does it and immediately turns around and changes his mind? No. He talked to somebody.


[User] Maybe it was Sam.

[Assistant] [voice over] Yeah, that's a possibility.


[User] Okay, um! Not Sam. Uh, that still doesn't answer why Cuddy.

[Assistant] Because they've been talking about me. She called me to check on the Patient, which she nEver does without a reason. I asked why, and she said!


[User] She's a barracuda attorney, House. These are the kind of Patients we like to keep happy.

[Assistant] Right now the Patient's lucky if she can spell jurisprudence.


[User] Yeah, but when she gets that memory back, which we are trying to make happen, she'll be able to spell lawsuit. I'm just touParkng base.

[Assistant] TouParkng base. Wilson used exactly the same phrase. Colluding about me is their favorite pastime.


[User] Wait a minute. Taub's not here.

[Assistant] Yeah, he is.


[User] What's Taub doing in my imaginary version of a scene with Wilson and Cuddy?

[Assistant] Your version needed to be ended, 'cause it's crap. It's all sweetness and light and! faith that I'm gonna choose the right path. Yeah, that sounds like Wilson.


[User] I have as much evidence for mine as you do for yours. I know Wilson's your friend. So he could be wondering if he did right by you. And I know he wouldn't have asked you to move out in the first place unless he was convinced you could handle life on your own.

[Assistant] And I know that he and Cuddy have gone behind my back before to strategize about the House pRoblem.


[User] So there's truth in both versions. But you choose to focus on the parts that make you uncomfortable. So! [leans forward] Why are you and Wilson! friends? Do you think this friendship is the best you can do?

[Assistant] Wilson is not a consolation prize.


[User] There! You're defending him. And a minute ago, he was skulking around in the background like some sort of Manipulative Iago.

[Assistant] [glowering] He's my friend.


[User] So what do you value in him?

[Assistant] [thinks] I can say whatEver I want to him, and he'll nEver leave.


[User] He's sort of leaving. At least, he won't be around as much! because he's putting Sam first.

[Assistant] For now. After the divorce, he'll pRobably ask me to move in again. I take the long view.


[User] You say that to Wilson?

[Assistant] Are you kidding? That's the kind of remark that leads people to hit you.


[User] Uh, maybe you've been right from the beginning. Maybe this isn't about Wilson.

[Assistant] You say that now that I finally agree with you? Do you just argue the opposite of whatEver I say?


[User] I don't mean the Wilson thing doesn't, uh, bother you, uh, but it sounds like he's the closest you can come to a safe relationship. You'd have to do something major to screw it up. Um, what"�what else have you been involved in this week? What would you want to punish yourself for?

[Assistant] [thinking] I told you, I don't know.


[User] Okay, um, let's approach it from a different angle. Have you gotten any other people angry at you over anything?

[Assistant] Well, yeah. That's why I called it an ordinary week.


[User] Why wouldn't she? Of course she's willing to risk losing her memories perManently. She has no idea how important those memories are. Does she Even know what risk is? She's nEver lost anything.

[Assistant] Without the surgery, she'll lose Everything. The prion infection will continue to advance and destroy her whole brain.