[User] I assume you want me to convince Hamilton to stop his treatments, too?

[Assistant] Don't care.


[User] You know at least five of the medications are part of his protocol?

[Assistant] If his stuff was helping the guy would be playing tennis six months ago. It's our round of treatment that's helping.


[User] So your philosophy is, "If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down."�

[Assistant] Yeah. [We see that they're watParkng General Hospital on the portable TV.] My old philosophy used to be "Live and let live,"� but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.


[User] What's your philosophy on employee relations?

[Assistant] That's a very tiny pillow.


[User] Gregg. Can I have a word?

[Assistant] Can it wait for the commercial, Marty? Say "hi"� to my friend, Jimmy.


[User] Pleasure. Your diagnostic trial "�

[Assistant] Seriously, commercial's in about five minutes.


[User] -- it's a dangerous game.

[Assistant] Only if we're watParkng in the bathtub.


[User] I need to know exactly what medications you were giving John Henry.

[Assistant] Forget it. And if Foreman tells you what John Henry used to be on "�


[User] You're gonna fire him?

[Assistant] Nope. Make him live out Every day of his two-year contract.


[User] Foreman asked to leave?

[Assistant] Not yet.


[User] But how do you know I made him an "�

[Assistant] You're a polite twit, but you're not an idiot.


[User] I need to know what medications you've taken him off of.

[Assistant] Wait a second. You're not an idiot. You need to know what medications I've stopped, because! He's getting worse. [He whacks John's leg with a clipboard. Nothing.] [to Foreman] Right now you still work for me. Come on! No feeling, no wiggling. The bad news is, John Henry's back where he started. The good news is, Hamilton looks bad.


[User] Yeah, it's not whether you win or lose, it's whether the other guy loses.

[Assistant] What was the first thing we put him on?


[User] Steroids, for the pneumonia.

[Assistant] Well, put him back on them. Give them 24 hours, see what happens.


[User] His lungs aren't great. It might cause another respiratory collapse.

[Assistant] Sure hope not. I didn't much like that Lawyer. And get an MRI.


[User] He already got one. And an MRA.

[Assistant] Well, obviously something is different now. Do it again. Chase, take care of the scan. Cameron, put him on the steroids. [to Foreman] We should pRobably talk, huh?


[User] He has to. If he doesn't, he's telling Foreman he needs him. House can't handle that. [She looks closely at the screen.] Oh, my God!

[Assistant] I checked him out. He's a great doctor. You think he's better than I am?


[User] This about your ego?

[Assistant] Answer the question. It's not going to change my opinion of myself. Might affect my opinion of you, but that shouldn't affect your opinion of yourself. Now I'm getting confused. If you think he's a better doctor than I am, then you should take the job. Otherwise, you should get him to buy you two or three more nostalgic lunches and politely decline.


[User] It's that simple? I should just ignore the mockery and abuse?

[Assistant] Oh, how do I abuse you?


[User] How do you not? If I make a mistake "�

[Assistant] I hold you accountable, so what?


[User] Dr. Hamilton forgives. He's capable of moving on.

[Assistant] That is not what he does!


[User] I screwed up his case, he told me "�

[Assistant] He nEver said you were forgiven. I was there, he said it wasn't your fault.


[User] So?

[Assistant] So, it was. You took a chance, you did something great. You were wrong, but it was still great. You should feel great that it was great. You should feel like crap that it was wrong. That's the difference between him and me. He thinks you do your job, and what will be, will be. I think that what I do and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night. He shouldn't. [Cameron and Chase come running in.]


[User] Intradural, compressing his spine. [Chase puts up the scans.]

[Assistant] Causing his paralysis.


[User] How could Hamilton have missed an AVM?

[Assistant] Well, we missed it, too. 'Cause it wasn't there before.


[User] You saying it just grew overnight?

[Assistant] No. It was on the spine, it wasn't on the MRI. [He points to the scan from a few days ago.] Same anatomic location.


[User] It's not there.

[Assistant] Well, what is there?


[User] Nothing.

[Assistant] Or something that looks like nothing.


[User] If it's inflammation, the steroids would have shrunk it down.

[Assistant] REvealing the AVM, which has always been there, hiding behind its own swelling. We remove that, he'll walk again.


[User] Dr. House! Cora's meeting me outside with a limo. I'm being discharged.

[Assistant] Fifty bucks says I can beat you to the curb. [John laughs.]


[User] Thanks for sticking with the case.

[Assistant] I can't do anything else. [He takes the Vicodin.] You're much more easily amused when you can walk.


[User] How bizarre. I'm guessing you weren't exactly Mr. Sunshine Even before your leg got messed up. [John hands House his trumpet as "It's a Wonderful World"� starts to play. Aw.] I want you to have this.

[Assistant] Wow.


[User] You can sell it if you want to, just promise me you won't play it. [House smiles.] How Many of those pills you taking?

[Assistant] I'm in pain.


[User] Yeah. Aren't we all? [pause] So, where do you buy these things, do they have cane stores?

[Assistant] Oh, don't worry about it. You'll be jogging before you need a second one. [Foreman comes out a side door.] See you tomorrow, Eric.


[User] He's wrong

[Assistant] Foreman is wrong? The neurologist is wrong, about a neurological pRoblem?


[User] He took one look at her and figured it was a scam.

[Assistant] So, you figure he's not being objective


[User] [exasperated] House, the Woman had a twitch. She had a seizure.

[Assistant] Both of which Foreman saw?


[User] He just wanted her out the door!

[Assistant] Whoah, whoah, whoah, back up there, big fella. Foreman's the guy you want to take a swing at.


[User] [frustrated sigh] I - just - want her to get some medical attention.

[Assistant] [starts to look interested] That's not Even close to being true. Something else. Something personal. [pauses] Give me the file. Looks like this will be fun.


[User] Brain tumor? [Foreman enters]

[Assistant] Glad you could join us, Eric. What's the differential for a twitch in the wrist?


[User] Yes, you've got that going for you. How could I have doubted your medical opinion?

[Assistant] The big question, you're missing it, all of you. [He drops Jane's smelly bag on the table.]


[User] Oh, geez.

[Assistant] Who is she?


[User] [opens mouth in protest]

[Assistant] Do I need a better reason?


[User] Most people wouldn't, you do.

[Assistant] [dumps contents of smelly bag on table, Everyone turns away in disgust] The only thing we know for sure about Jane Doe is that her name isn't Jane Doe. Which means no medical history. Allergies, medication, previous diagnoses, treatment "� we have no baseline, no context for medical treatment.


[User] [holds up a needle] Wow. Looks just like insulin. [looks at Wilson]

[Assistant] [holds up a sweater] Vomit. Still moist. [sniffs] What do you think - a couple of days old? [puts it in Chase's face]


[User] Uhhh! trying to make me hurl?

[Assistant] Yeah. And here's the big finish! [licks fingers]


[User] [muffled noise, as if about to be sick]

[Assistant] Salty. Chemical imbalance.


[User] Low magnesium could cause a twitch.

[Assistant] Or high calcium. Or it's a coincidence. The point is, we don't know anything.


[User] [exasperated] So do the MRI. Find out "�

[Assistant] The MRI can wait. Hang a banana bag, give her 24 hours to correct the electrolyte imbalance, we'll take it from there.


[User] Okay. Even if she's not faking, what's so fascinating about this case?

[Assistant] At the moment, how much you don't want me to take it. That's pretty fascinating.


[User] [grabs letter opener from House] I can't beliEve you authorized this.

[Assistant] Really? Sounds exactly like something I'd do.


[User] She can't have an MRI. The CT scan shows she has a surgical pin in her arm, the MRI magnet would have ripped it out of her body. You like the Alien movies? You had no medical history, what were you thinking?

[Assistant] We'll surgically remove the pin, then do the MRI, does that sound good?


[User] She has an electrolyte imbalance.

[Assistant] Dr. Foreman, a neurologist, beliEves this Woman has a brain tumor.


[User] Actually, I "�

[Assistant] [glares at Foreman] Hey, don't Ever apologize for a medical opinion. [to Cuddy] If he's right, we don't do this test, the Patient dies. Now I realize that you have a specialty of your own, but does yours have anything to do with the brain? [nods at Foreman] His does.


[User] How are we supposed to "�

[Assistant] Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us. [Cuddy and Foreman don't look amused] Go check out the 'hood, dawg.


[User] Sure, she's not conning us, the MRI is.

[Assistant] [enters] Not wearing a coat in this weather. That is so wrong.


[User] She drew these. [laying sEveral hand-drawn comic books out on table] They might give us a clue.

[Assistant] [picks one up] She sign them? Her name would be a start.


[User] All the mythology, the locations, they're all dependant on life experience.

[Assistant] [holds up comic book and looks at it] Philadelphia. Look at that skyline! It's very evocative. The Chrysler Building.


[User] And the Chrysler Building's in New York.

[Assistant] Mmm! I'm getting Philly. And that cactus, well, that's a smashed car "� car accident.


[User] [doesn't sound convinced] A cactus in Philadelphia?

[Assistant] Water "� well, water's October, right?


[User] Obviously.

[Assistant] On the page number 22, so that's October 2nd, 2002. Ergo, the Patient was in a car accident two years ago last October.


[User] [quite calmly] My goodness! Was she okay?

[Assistant] [squints] Broke her arm, I think. They fixed it "� with this. [holds up metal pin] Surgical pin. Better than a wallet. Serial numbers in case of recall, tied to a Patient's name.


[User] That's why you insisted on the MRI. So you could remove the surgical pin from her arm.

[Assistant] You didn't think I was going to do it to save your sorry ass, did you? [sounds of a fax coming through] You might want to take a look at that. Her name is Victoria Matson, at least that's the one she used then. Any hospital with the record of treating her should be sending that information.


[User] Well, we got her sedated and stabilized.

[Assistant] And we still think there's nothing wrong with her?


[User] Well, nothing's changed.

[Assistant] We almost killed her "� that's different. And we know who she is.


[User] Well, I'd be bummed out too. Zero degrees, living in a box.

[Assistant] Put her back on it. She cheers up; she might stop biting people


[User] And the cancer wouldn't account for the alleged twitch, or any other of her alleged symptoms.

[Assistant] Actually, it would. Neoplastic Syndrome associated with the cancer could cause her to twitch like a bunny on crystal meth. Ultrasound her ovaries.


[User] Did you find a brain tumor on her MRI?

[Assistant] No. Foreman was wrong. I'm starting to wonder about that guy's medical chops.


[User] The little ones are licking each other again, and Harry's got a seeping wart on his extra toe. What room should we go to?

[Assistant] [fake sneeze] You know, I think I might be coming down with something. Hate to give it to you guys. Sorry. [starts walking toward exit]


[User] Oh yeah. Just walk out, like I'm not going to do anything.

[Assistant] [turns] Bye-bye. [keeps walking]


[User] Working hard?

[Assistant] This stuff's pretty good. Calendrica, works for the counseled genius. Bad guy's Mr. Fury, fairly generic, no special skills, but apparently very well organized. Think you work hard, try ruling the universe.


[User] You trying to teach me something here?

[Assistant] We've got the flowing dress, the ring. Think the Patient was married? Maybe it was a bad break up, maybe he dumped her cause she was on drugs.


[User] You care about her personal history?

[Assistant] Nope. Question is, why don't you? [Foreman looks away] I hate to cite a clich�, but "� Dad on the streets?


[User] [short laugh] Dad's with Mom.

[Assistant] They're both living on the streets?


[User] No! On a pension.

[Assistant] So who pissed you off?


[User] Pfft. Right now, you.

[Assistant] Your turn, you gonna tell me why this case?


[User] She's my new girlfriend, I'm having a tattoo designed, I was hoping you could find out her name.

[Assistant] So she's just another sick person the kindly Dr. Wilson has made sure doesn't get lost in the big ugly system.


[User] Yes, I forgot, I need a reason to give a crap.

[Assistant] You're giving two craps.


[User] [walks up with two college-age girls wearing lab coats] Dr. House.

[Assistant] Time for Girl Scout cookies already?


[User] Since you're too sick to work in the clinic "�

[Assistant] [makes big show out of stifling pretend sneeze] Okay.


[User] "� I thought you "�

[Assistant] [huge, loud sneeze]


[User] - I thought you could do some teaParkng. Patient histories.

[Assistant] My specialty.


[User] When you teach, you learn so much, don't you think?

[Assistant] It's all about the giving back. [Cuddy walks off, House turns to students] Good old Cuddy. Always thinking. She assign you a Patient to interview? [reaches for pills]


[User] Mmmhmm.

[Assistant] Then why are you still here?


[User] Oh. I thought you were too sick to be down here.

[Assistant] Had to get away from those students so I faked a page. [flips through file] Foreman's parents, happily married, 40 years.


[User] Mazel Tov.

[Assistant] Keinahora. So, why does he hate homeless people? If it's an uncle or a grandparent you'd think he'd use it in his college application essay. Family struggles beats a 4.0 GPA any day.


[User] I think he had a 4.0

[Assistant] Maybe he's just a snob.


[User] You really don't need to know Everything about Everybody.

[Assistant] I don't need to watch the OC, but it makes me happy.


[User] Yeah, delirious. What's the other file?

[Assistant] Wilson, James. Boy wonder oncologist. You know him?


[User] Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditParkng the conversation?

[Assistant] Why can't both be true? Come on.


[User] You were right. There's nothing we can do for her here. Might as well put her back on the street.

[Assistant] Unless it's not cancer.


[User] Oh, you're joking.

[Assistant] Well, hard not to "� nothing funnier than cancer. But what if it's a tuberculoma. She's living out on the streets, breathing all kinds of crap 24/7. The odds are she's got TB, why can't she have a nice benign growth to go with it?


[User] A solid mass on her ovary. Ovarian cancer's way more likely.

[Assistant] You're right. It's not Even close. Start her on INH, Rifampicin and Streptomycin.


[User] But that's the treatment for a tuberculoma.

[Assistant] And what is the treatment for advanced ovarian cancer?


[User] It's not a tuberculoma. Can't be.

[Assistant] I didn't know the biopsy was back.


[User] Her temperature's 105. Treatment's not working, it's cancer. She's dying.

[Assistant] [leans back in chair] 105!


[User] [holds up paper] It's the lab results from the biopsy, it's definitely a tuberculoma.

[Assistant] [looks at test results] So "� we're right about the diagnosis, and the treatment for that diagnosis is killing her. Perfect.


[User] [enters] The something else is gonna to melt her brain.

[Assistant] Poach. Better metaphor.


[User] Oh, just like you were going to do!

[Assistant] [turning to face them] Okay you two, grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors. Send blood and urine cultures and get a chest x-ray. And fine, take her off Prozac and put her on Bromocryptin for the Serotonin syndrome.


[User] [looks at Foreman, wails] Ple-ee-ease!

[Assistant] Continue. And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. [looks up] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature. Nope. I'm supposed to be teaParkng you. If I can do that without listening, more power to me. [interrupts] This guy's supposed to have universal power over all of gravity; how come his hair won't stay down? That's just stupid. Hard to beliEve that one Patient could slip past Cuddy and get herself admitted with a sprained wrist. Two seems almost impossible - what room?


[User] Room 2106 [the girls look at one another]

[Assistant] Patients lie. But usually only one lie at a time; how much does she weigh? Poundage, ladies, and by the by, what color is her nose? [pager goes off] Almost nothing. She's either under 90 pounds, or she has a red nose. I gotta go. That would be telling. [looks at students and smiles] Oh, I am just too nice. It starts with 'C'. [drops medical dictionary on desk as he leaves]


[User] So's the chest x-ray.

[Assistant] I assume there's a positive coming.


[User] We know it's definitely an infection. And we know where it is.

[Assistant] Well, meningitis is nice and simple. Get her in isolation and start her on Ceftriaxone. Either she gets better or she dies. [ducklings walk toward door] Let me know which one happens!


[User] Security tape confirms it, she stole some clothes and she's gone.

[Assistant] Wrong coat. The cape's in the closet, I had it cleaned.


[User] Funny.

[Assistant] You gonna save her?


[User] In her comics, Mr. Fury lives in Sloan Harbor. The night she came in, she was at a rave at 1408 Sloan Street.

[Assistant] You've been reading. My, how you've changed.


[User] You are a doctor; do what doctors do. Pick up the phone, dial 911 and a cop on the other end does what cops do and finds the missing person! [House raises eyebrows, Foreman takes off coat] I assume the rest of you have doctor things to do "� [looks at House] I know you do.

[Assistant] Do you Even know what that is, or are you just guessing Everything that starts with 'C'? CacPark "� C-A-C- she's going alphabetically. It sets off my eyes. [smiles and enters room with Patient] Hi, Jodi, I'm Dr. House. What brings you to the hospital?


[User] My wrist.

[Assistant] How did that happen?


[User] I was riding the Ferris wheel and this huge seagull flew right at me. [The camera pans from the Ferris wheel on the back of House's clipboard to the bird pin on his jacket.]

[Assistant] How horrifying.


[User] I swung my arm at the bird, but I hit the Ferris wheel.

[Assistant] [turns to students] No, her wrist really does hurt.


[User] I'm not lying.

[Assistant] Of course you are. You have no idea what happened. You have no memory. [House exits room with students] Korsakoff's syndrome. Her brain is damaged by excessive drinking or insufficient diet; pretty obviously the latter. She has no new memories, no new ideas, can't Even process that idea. So her brain fills the gaps as best it can using visual clues. The horse on your shirt led her to the riding accident and the surf scene on your clipboard led her to the beach. I didn't say 'C'. Or did I? Lesson to be learned "� treat Everybody as if they have Korsakoff's, we all lie anyway. Give her Thiamine right away, she'll bounce back pretty quickly. And then get her to eat some cake and ice cream. Yes? Hi! Jodi, I'm Dr. House. What happened to your wrist?


[User] There was this weird old guy, he had a cane "�

[Assistant] See? It's like it nEver happened. Perfect forgiveness.


[User] We must be wrong about the meningitis. Maybe it's structural heart disease.

[Assistant] Her heart rate dropped when you administered the Adenosine.


[User] Two seconds.

[Assistant] It's still meningitis.


[User] If it is, with the delay in treatment, she's got almost no chance.

[Assistant] Start the treatment. [leaves room]


[User] [flipping through notepad] Read the report. I found her lying on the grass.

[Assistant] You should read my reports. I make up stuff all the time. What really happened?


[User] Oh, since it's you! I found her lying on the grass.

[Assistant] Wow. That is a great looking gun. [close up on policeMan's belt]


[User] It's not a gun. It's a taser.

[Assistant] It's so cool looking. What does it do? Fire about 60,000 volts? At least, that's what it would take to jack someone's heart up to 150s.


[User] Okay. Okay. Let's just say I tell you what happened. [leans in] This stays between you and me, right? I found her. Lying. On the. Grass.

[Assistant] Fine. [reaches into jacket] Don't tell me. Tell my friend, Ben Franklin. [holds up $100 bill, then sets it on the counter] I watch a lot of cop shows.


[User] [stares]

[Assistant] The good news is, the heart rate thing's not connected to her condition.


[User] Well then, she's dying. The meningitis treatment isn't helping her, she's getting worse.

[Assistant] Well, that brings us to the bad news. The cop tasered her.


[User] [derisive snort] Jerk. PRobably couldn't get to his real gun fast enough.

[Assistant] The first time he hit her in the thigh, and she just kept going, like it was nothing. Right about here. [He marks the spot. Victoria doesn't move; House pokes her with a needle.] She didn't feel the taser. [pulls down sheets and pokes her toe]


[User] Localized numbness?

[Assistant] Yeah, in that one spot.


[User] The diabetes?

[Assistant] I don't think so. [takes swab of Victoria's mouth]


[User] No alcohol. Not entrapment syndrome. Can't be a vitamin deficiency. We can't Chase down Every sensory neuropathy.

[Assistant] Is that where she bit you? [close up of Foreman's bandaged forearm]


[User] What the hell?!

[Assistant] Can't get angry if you don't feel anything. First there's localized numbness, then sensitivity to light, disorientation, paranoia, ineffectiveness of sedatives, and then hydrophobia. Fear of water. [maParkne starts up]


[User] There've only been, what, 20 cases in the last ten years?

[Assistant] Yeah. That's because non-homeless people, when they get bitten, they get shots.


[User] [quietly] How much time does she have?

[Assistant] A day, maybe two. [turns to Foreman] And if you don't get your shot in, say, the next three hours, I'm going to have to make another affirmative action hire.


[User] Oh. [sounding perturbed] You followed me?

[Assistant] No. You were wearing rain boots today, but you were Parked in the underground garage, so the only reason you'd need boots was if you were hitting the streets! I followed you.


[User] Didn't we have a conversation about friendship?

[Assistant] Yeah. I had some follow up questions. I've met your parents, and your brother "�


[User] I have two brothers.

[Assistant] Why wouldn't you tell me "�


[User] It was irrelevant.

[Assistant] Why not?


[User] Because he's not in my life any more.

[Assistant] Well, that's relevant.


[User] [looking at the road] Look out! [Pam slams on the brakes, and the Porsche slides under the trailer of a large truck going through an intersection The car stops on the other side of the road, just in time for a bus to crash into it.]

[Assistant] What lie are they telling you? [Pharmacist gestures for him to wait.]


[User] [on phone] Okay, yes. [We see that the pharmacy shelves are missing some drugs.]

[Assistant] Come on.


[User] [still on phone] All right, thank you. [He hangs up.] Okay, pharmaceuticals were delivered this morning, but shipping accidentally sent the box with Vicodin to research.

[Assistant] Hmmm. That's a tough one. If only we had some way to communiCate with another part of the building. [He picks up the phone for the pharmacist, Cameron walks up.]


[User] 16-year-old MVA victim. He's been in and out of the hospital for three weeks with internal bleeding, no one can find the cause.

[Assistant] Internal bleeding after a car accident, wow, that's shocking! [to pharmacist] Let me talk to shipping, I speak their language.


[User] It's been three weeks "�

[Assistant] [to Cuddy, who is at the clinic desk] Your hospital doesn't have my pain medication.


[User] The crash didn't cause the bleed.

[Assistant] Right, the bleed caused the crash. Blood got on the road, it got all slippery. [to the room] Anyone here got drugs? [Everyone looks at him, one clinic Patient raises his hand]


[User] She saw his blood, she got distracted, and she crashed his dad's Porsche.

[Assistant] Dad loved that.


[User] He was "�

[Assistant] Don't talk.


[User] It's gonna be an hour.

[Assistant] Well, thank God you took control.


[User] Kid? How old? [takes chart]

[Assistant] He must have inherited it. He's gonna die. My condolences.


[User] This is impossible. A 16-year-old doesn't get hemolytic anemia "�

[Assistant] Give her back the file; you have bigger pRoblems to tend to, like my meds.


[User] Elevated indirect bilirubin, low serum haptoglobin!

[Assistant] He's got meningitis.


[User] [looks at chart] Uh! no.

[Assistant] Artificial heart valve.


[User] No. [House looks at the chart himself.]

[Assistant] Get Everyone in my office. Kid's gonna be dead in a matter of days if we don't figure out why his red blood cells are disintegrating, so differential diagnosis, people.


[User] You want us to recheck?

[Assistant] No. If it's environmental he'll get better just from staying here.


[User] Didn't mean to offend you.

[Assistant] Okay, so it's infection, lupus, drugs, or cancer.


[User] Cancer?

[Assistant] Why not? Great meeting. [He starts to leave.]


[User] Shouldn't we narrow it down before we finish?

[Assistant] My leg gave us 'till 11:15. I'll talk to Wilson about lymphoma, [to Cameron] ANA for lupus, [to Chase] radioimmunoassay for drugs, [to Foreman] and you! you test for whatEver you thought it was. [He leaves.] I've got a date with a pharmacist. Come on, come on, come on, come on! [As soon as House gets the bottle, he dry-swallows a couple pills. Cuddy catches up to him on his way out the clinic doors.


[User] You know, there are other ways to Manage pain.

[Assistant] Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?


[User] You're addicted.

[Assistant] If the pills ran my life I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy calendaring what I can't do.


[User] You're in denial.

[Assistant] Right, I nEver had an infarction in my leg, no dead muscle, no nerve damage. Doesn't Even hurt. [he presses the button for the elevator] Actually, it kind of tickles. The Parkcks dig this. [raises cane] Better than a puppy.


[User] It's not just your leg. You wanna get high! You're doing what, 80 mg a day?

[Assistant] Oh, that's way too much! Moderation is the key. Unless there's pain.


[User] It's double what you were taking when I hired you.

[Assistant] 'Cause you're twice as annoying.


[User] I can't always be here to protect you. Patients talk. Doctors talk. [elevator doors open]

[Assistant] About how big your ass has gotten lately? Not me, I defend it. You got back. [They walk into the full elevator.]


[User] You can't go a week without your drugs.

[Assistant] No, I don't want to go a week without the drugs, it'll hurt.


[User] No, you can't. If you're just getting off pain medication, it will hurt, you won't be having a great time, but you'll make it. If you're detoxing you'll have Parklls, nausea! your pain will magnify five, ten times. You won't make it.

[Assistant] Well, I guess we'll nEver know.


[User] I'll give you a week off clinic duty if you can go a week off narcotics.

[Assistant] No way! I love the clinic.


[User] You love the pills. Two weeks.

[Assistant] Pills don't make me high. They make me neutral.


[User] A month. [A pause. House reaches into his pocket and pulls out his Vicodin.]

[Assistant] You're on, mister. [He throws the pills to Cuddy, who looks positively giddy.]


[User] Definitely not cancer.

[Assistant] Nothing?


[User] Negative for drugs. ANA was negative, gallium scan was clear!

[Assistant] Yeah, I got that from the "nothing"�. Where's his hematocrit?


[User] Excuse me, someone? Help, please?

[Assistant] [as the Ducklings enter the room] Polite for a dying kid. [He starts to limp off.]


[User] How long has it been?

[Assistant] I'm fine.


[User] We have two hours to figure this out. Either we restore the blood flow or he loses the eye. [House walks in from his office. He does not look as earlier.]

[Assistant] Forget the eye. Tell him to use the other one to look on the bright side. The clot tells us something. It could help us figure out what he has, which could mean he gets to live. [The three of them are staring! Chase openly curious, Foreman with disgust, Cameron with something like pity.] Differential diagnosis, people. How does internal bleeding suddenly start clotting?


[User] ANA was negative. It's not lupus.

[Assistant] This is true. But why are you the one saying it? What are you doing here? I thought we ruled out cancer.


[User] I was lonely.

[Assistant] Well, go see Cuddy. She needs a friend.


[User] That's funny, she said you might need one.

[Assistant] That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat.


[User] No, I want to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.

[Assistant] I'm fine.


[User] Does your leg hurt?

[Assistant] You Ever been shot?


[User] There's gonna be side effects. Insomnia, depression, tachycardia "�

[Assistant] Withdrawal symptoms. Not applicable. The only side-effects I'm going to have are some pain and thirty days of freedom. [Pause. Interestingly enough, now Cameron looks disgusted.] Am I the only one who's concerned about a dying kid? If it's not lupus, what else?


[User] It's not an infection. Gallium scan didn't rEveal anything.

[Assistant] Okay, what hides from a gallium scan? [He turns to see! a beautiful Woman stretParkng in his office! Ooookay. The rest of the ducklings continue the conversation as though they don't see her.]


[User] Right. Clot slips off, travels through the artery, and gets backed up in the eye.

[Assistant] I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What happened?


[User] It's an infection. In his heart?

[Assistant] Great. Echocardiogram for the heart and IV antibiotics for the infection, stat. [Chase, Cameron and Foreman leave, Wilson walks over. Now, there's another person who can see the Woman. Yes, indeed.] Is it my birthday? I'm not lonely, my leg hurts.


[User] She's a real masseuse.

[Assistant] She's five hundred dollars an hour, minimum.


[User] She's hot, so she's a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?

[Assistant] The envious, jealous, I-nEver-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic, hello!


[User] She's a legitimate masseuse, come on. [looks at her] God, she's beautiful.

[Assistant] Because she's beautiful I should do it? What kind of pathetic logic is that?


[User] The envious, jealous, I'm-married-and-I-can't-do-anything logic! [Woman comes over.] Hello.

[Assistant] Hi. Listen, I'm, I'm sure you're really good at whatEver it is you do "�


[User] Dame su Mano. [Translation corner: means "Give me your hand."� When House doesn't understand, she grabs it.]

[Assistant] Hey, no, let go of my hand.


[User] Shhhh!

[Assistant] Ow! Ow! ah! ah!. oh, my God. [Woman looks happy. And if Wilson's looks could take people's clothes off, this show wouldn't be TV-14.] Bueno.


[User] So the blindness will be perManent, won't it? [Chase nods.]

[Assistant] Thank you.


[User] Bye. [Chase walks up.]

[Assistant] I had a massage.


[User] Looks like you had a masseuse. Help the pain?

[Assistant] I'm fine.


[User] I know. Kid's echo was normal, no sign of any vegetations on heart valves.

[Assistant] NEver met a diagnostic study I couldn't refute.


[User] And the antibiotics aren't doing anything.

[Assistant] So, double the dosage. 70mg.


[User] That'll box his kidneys for sure!

[Assistant] Oh, you're right. Save the kidney. The guy we transplant it into will be grateful.


[User] Also, I have an idea for his eye.

[Assistant] Nothing we can do about his eye.


[User] He's got a clot in his retinal "�

[Assistant] Read the memo.


[User] If we remove some of the liquid from the eye itself, the Vitreous humor, it might make some extra room around the retinal artery.

[Assistant] If the artery expands, the clot might move out on its own. That's very creative. Why didn't you mention this before?


[User] Well, I didn't think of it before.

[Assistant] You should have. [As Chase walks away, House leans back against the wall.]


[User] Help, help help! [Dad rushes in.]

[Assistant] What's wrong?


[User] ALT and GDT were in the tank. Our antibiotics "�

[Assistant] Would not have caused this.


[User] I wouldn't do that!

[Assistant] It's not drugs! His liver is shutting down.


[User] What? What does that mean?

[Assistant] It means he's all better. He's ready to go home.


[User] What?

[Assistant] What do you think it means? You can't live without a liver, he's dying!


[User] What is your pRoblem?

[Assistant] Bum leg, what's yours?


[User] His son's dying and you're mocking him?

[Assistant] It was a dumb question.


[User] No, it wasn't.

[Assistant] You're right, it wasn't.


[User] Exactly! He's detoxing, can't you see he's out of his mind?

[Assistant] [walking in] That's what they said about Manson. Do you want to continue talking about me or should we discuss what the liver damage tells us? [No answer.] I was born in a log cabin in Illinois "�


[User] Hemolytic anemia doesn't cause liver damage. Add the fact he's coughing blood, you've got three of the indicators of organ-threatening lupus.

[Assistant] It's moving too fast. Could be hepatitis-E.


[User] There's only been one case of hep-E originating in the US since --

[Assistant] Its history. Since he's been in and out of the country four times in the last year!


[User] You really think he's got hep-E?

[Assistant] No. I think the lupus is way more likely.


[User] All right. Then let's start him on IV Cytoxan and plasmapheresis.

[Assistant] No, we should rule out hep-E.


[User] You just said it wasn't hep-E.

[Assistant] I said lupus was way more likely, but if we treat for lupus and it is hep-E.


[User] He's toast.

[Assistant] Exactly.


[User] But there isn't a treatment for hepatitis-E. Either he'll get better on his own or he'll continue to deteriorate.

[Assistant] Yeah, I went to medical school, too. Start him on solumedrol. (sp?)


[User] If he's got hep-E that's only going to make him worse!

[Assistant] Not as much. Goldilocks, people. It won't hurt him so much that it'll kill him, and it won't hurt him so little that we can't tell. It'll hurt him just right. And if it does nothing!


[User] We'll know it's not hep-E and start treating him for lupus.

[Assistant] Now watch me do it while drinking a glass of water.


[User] What do we tell the dad? "We think your kid has lupus, so we're gonna treat him for hepatitis-E? And oh yeah, if it really is hep-E, we're not actually giving him hep-E medication, so it's gonna make him worse, not better?"�

[Assistant] You think he'll go for that?


[User] So you want us to lie?

[Assistant] No. I want you to lie.


[User] Why me?

[Assistant] Because he trusts you.


[User] [looking at x-rays of House's hand] I think it's broken. What did you do?

[Assistant] Accidentally closed the car door on it.


[User] No. Door would have broken the skin. This looks like something hard and smooth smashed it.

[Assistant] I want my Lawyer.


[User] The brain has a gating mechanism for pain. Registers the most sEvere injury and blocks out the others. Did it work?

[Assistant] Well, my hand hurts like hell. Yeah, I feel much better.


[User] Huh.

[Assistant] Don't splint it. I want to be able to bang it against the wall if I need to administer another dose. Just! tape it up. [Cuddy walks in.]


[User] Why did you tell Cameron to lie to Mr. Foster?

[Assistant] [to Wilson] Make it tight will ya.


[User] Answer me.

[Assistant] Nothing I could say is going to change how you feel, and nothing could come out of your reaction that is going to change what I plan to do, so I prefer to say nothing.


[User] So, that was you just saying nothing.

[Assistant] Uh-huh.


[User] The guy is furious.

[Assistant] And scared.


[User] So, what are you going to do? The father's insisting on the lupus treatment.

[Assistant] Yeah, Cameron told me and I told her to tell him no.


[User] Well, you can't just sit back and let the kid die.

[Assistant] Neither can the father.


[User] So that's your plan? You're gonna play Parkcken with the kid's life?

[Assistant] Well, he's the dad. I should win easily.


[User] Take the week off.

[Assistant] What, 'cause I lied to a Patient? I take risks, sometimes Patients die. But not taking risks causes more Patients to die, so I guess my biggest pRoblem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math. [Cameron walks in; it's a veritable party in the exam room!]


[User] I told him that you wouldn't treat him for the lupus until "�

[Assistant] What did he say?


[User] That's what I told him.

[Assistant] And that's when he caved.


[User] Yeah. He agreed to do it your way.

[Assistant] Two plus two equals four.


[User] Hallucinations are a symptom of psychosis, which is the fourth diagnostic criterion. It's official. This is lupus.

[Assistant] Who's Jules? Any mention of her in the medical history?


[User] It doesn't matter what he's hallucinating about, it matters why! It's lupus!

[Assistant] There's no need to get snippy. This kind of lupus takes years to get to this point, it's been a week.


[User] Yeah, and a 16-year-old kid shouldn't have hemolytic anemia, or be bleeding out of Every orifice, but he is. We had an opportunity to treat this, instead we diddled around with hepatitis-E and now it's too late. He needs a new liver. We screwed up.

[Assistant] You're saying I screwed up.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Then why didn't you just say that?


[User] You gonna just blame this on her?

[Assistant] Did you agree with my recommendation to treat for hep-E?


[User] And she made herself quite clear.

[Assistant] And then she went and lied to the father. That's why you're angry.


[User] Yeah, I trusted you.

[Assistant] You always trust me. Big mistake. Lupus is a bad diagnosis.


[User] It's the best diagnosis we've got.

[Assistant] That doesn't make it good.


[User] No, it just makes it this kid's only chance to live. [small pause]

[Assistant] Put him on the transplant list. And make sure Cuddy knows, see if she can do anything to get him close to the top. [He stands slowly and walks into his office. Chase and Cameron leave. Foreman waits, and follows House. House, meanwhile, is throwing up in a trashcan. He looks up and sees Foreman.] Cafeteria. Stay away from the sushi.


[User] And what happened to your hand?

[Assistant] Got stuck in a drawer.


[User] Yeah, right. You're going through withdrawal.

[Assistant] No, I am going through pain. Pain causes nausea.


[User] I took this job to work with you, not cover your ass. [He reaches into his pocket and takes out House's Vicodin, which he puts on the desk.] Your Vicodin.

[Assistant] And your solution is to give me drugs. It's interesting.


[User] And hope for someone to die. [House walks up, although walk is too jaunty a term. It is evident he didn't take the pills Foreman gave him.]

[Assistant] Who's Jules?


[User] Dr. House, you should get back to your office "�

[Assistant] Jules. There's no Jules in the history.


[User] It was a hallucination.

[Assistant] Of what?


[User] Not long.

[Assistant] I don't think this is lupus.


[User] I don't think this is lupus. Come on, let's just go "�

[Assistant] Your fourth diagnostic criterion of lupus is psychosis; this is just a kid missing his cat.


[User] He was being attacked by an animal that wasn't in the room. That's psychosis.

[Assistant] There's a difference between psychosis and hallucination.


[User] So, if he was imagining a fake cat it'd be lupus, but since it was a real cat it's not? Take your damn pills.

[Assistant] Psychosis requires "�


[User] There's no cat! Jules is dead.

[Assistant] You have a dead family pet, and you nEver mentioned it? Nice family history.


[User] Family history is asking about family members, meaning people related to the Patient. Let's go.

[Assistant] How did the cat die?


[User] Dr. House, come on, let's go "�

[Assistant] What happened to the cat?


[User] [from the waiting area] Old age. She was fifteen years old.

[Assistant] When?


[User] Does this have anything to do with "�

[Assistant] Where'd she sleep?


[User] This is not a cat allergy.

[Assistant] It's not lupus. Where is Jules?


[User] Scalpel. [He's about to cut, when House enters.]

[Assistant] Stop the gases.


[User] What the hell are you doing, House?

[Assistant] Saving a sixteen-year-old kid from a lifetime of immunosuppressant drugs and a very nasty scar. This kid doesn't have lupoid hepatitis. He has acute naphthalene toxicity.


[User] Naphthalene. You're talking about mothballs.

[Assistant] Nope. [holds up tweezers] Termites. They create naphthalene to protect their nests, which I'm assuming is rather large and is inside all four walls of his bedroom at home. [He tosses the tweezers on the surgical equipment.]


[User] And your assumption is based on what?

[Assistant] The autopsy I just conducted on his pet cat.


[User] Call Cuddy. And security.

[Assistant] You are not removing that kid's liver.


[User] NOW! [Nurse goes to call. House coughs up some phlegm, and spits it on the surgeon.] Have you completely lost your mind?!

[Assistant] No, but I have been feeling a little sick lately. Achoo!


[User] You've already cost him his liver, don't kill him too!

[Assistant] Why are you so eager to cut into a healthy kid?


[User] Healthy? He's in the toilet!

[Assistant] He just needs some Parkcken soup.


[User] I'm telling Hourani to re-scrub. We're doing this transplant.

[Assistant] No, you're not.


[User] They've only gotten worse.

[Assistant] If the food here wasn't one step below Riker's Island he would've gotten better. He's lost fourteen pounds.


[User] Yeah, sure. This is nothing but a dietary thing.

[Assistant] Naphthalene is a gas, a fat soluble gas. The kid breathes it in, it gets stored in his fat cells. Outside the hospital his body burned protein and carbs for energy, and the naphthalene stayed in fat. But once the car accident put him in the hospital, and he started losing weight [CGI of Keith's fat cells, full of toxin being freed], his body had to get its energy somewhere else. It started to burn fat. The floodgates opened, the poison poured into his system.


[User] So, getting away from the poison is what poisoned him?

[Assistant] Getting him away from his dad's meatloaf is what's killing him. [Cuddy and Keith's dad walk up to House, very quickly.]


[User] Hey! Take it easy. [House touches his lip, which is bleeding.]

[Assistant] Your cat did not die of old age. He died of massive internal bleeding and acute liver failure caused by naphthalene poisoning, the exact same thing your son has.


[User] You lie to me, you mess up my son's surgery, and now you expect me to trust you?

[Assistant] Give me twenty-four hours, we'll pump your son full of calories "�


[User] We're doing that surgery.

[Assistant] [getting up slowly] If you do the surgery, you'll be killing a mother of four.


[User] Father of three.

[Assistant] I was guessing.


[User] Like you are now?

[Assistant] Naphthalene poisoning is the best explanation we have for what's wrong with your son. It explains the internal bleeding, the hemolytic anemia, the liver failure! it also predicts what'll happen next. If you do the surgery he's gonna lay on that table for fourteen hours while his body continues to burn fat and release poison into his system. Either way, I did you a favor. He's awake now, you've got a chance to say goodbye. [slight pause]


[User] You made it a week.

[Assistant] And won my prize.


[User] Congratulations.

[Assistant] Cuddy's a sucker. I would have done it for two weeks off.


[User] Yeah, it was a piece of cake. You learn anything? [They've reached his office door.]

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm an addict. [He goes into his office. Wilson follows.]


[User] Uh, okay.

[Assistant] I'm not stopping.


[User] There are programs. Cuddy would give you the time. You could get on a different pain Management regimen "�

[Assistant] I don't need to stop.


[User] You just said!

[Assistant] I said I was an addict. I didn't say I had a pRoblem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.


[User] Is that all you want? You have no relationships.

[Assistant] I don't want any relationships.


[User] You alienate people.

[Assistant] I've been alienating people since I was three.


[User] Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed in the last few years?

[Assistant] Well, of, of course I have. I've, I've gotten older. My hair's gotten thinner. Sometimes I'm bored, sometimes I'm lonely, sometimes I wonder what it all means.


[User] No, I was there! You are not just a regular guy who's getting older, you've changed! You're miserable, and you're afraid to face yourself "�

[Assistant] [slams his cane down on the shelf] Of course I've changed! [pause]


[User] And Everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?

[Assistant] They let me do my job, and they take away my pain. [Wilson walks off, looking defeated.]


[User] He's got osteopenia. His bones are too thin to fix the arm.

[Assistant] [On cell phone] No, price is not a pRoblem if you have what I need. *Click*


[User] Osteo-

[Assistant] Young Man?


[User] How did you know?

[Assistant] Well, if he's an old Man, osteopenia would just be a fact of life, you make him comfortable, send him home, which means you're just boring me. So he's young, which means it's most likely caused by cancer, and you're here because you haven't found it. Have you looked really, really hard?


[User] MRI and PET scan are both negative.

[Assistant] Well, how old is he? Maybe the osteopenia is just early onset.


[User] [Pulls out a baseball card] Well, let's see. Born 9/21/77.

[Assistant] It's Hank Wiggen? [Takes the card and looks at it] He signed it, sweet. [Reads] "To Jimmy Wilson, the Cy Young of medicine."� You ask for that?


[User] I-just the Jimmy part. The bone's too thin to support the kind of surgery that would let him pitch again. But if we figure out what's causing the osteopenia, we can rEverse the bone damage, then do the surgery.

[Assistant] Beat the Yankees, and save the free world. [Hands the card to Wilson and goes into his office.]


[User] Sorry I'm late. Car broke down on the interstate.

[Assistant] [Checks his watch, then looks back at Foreman skeptically.] Don't beliEve you. [To others] Chem 7 also shows a poor kidney function. Now why would a guy in his twenties have a poor kidney?


[User] Cancer. It first attacks the bones, and then the kidneys.

[Assistant] Come on, people. [Pulls out the baseball card] He was 17 and 7! His ERA was 2.1.


[User] You want it to be his kidneys, because if it's his kidneys, then maybe we can treat it, maybe we can fix it. And if it's cancer, then he'll nEver pitch again. If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!

[Assistant] My God, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese. [Chase smirks] He weighed 175 his rookie year.


[User] Stop.

[Assistant] Now he's 195 after playing a year in Japan. Why?


[User] That'd explain the weight gain. And the kidney pRoblems.

[Assistant] And the bone loss. Go ask him what he's on. When he says nothing, have him pee in a cup. [Chase leaves, and House turns his attention to Foreman.] If your car breaks down, you're an hour late, not two minutes. And two minutes isn't late enough to use a clEver excuse like car trouble.


[User] I was coming in early.

[Assistant] Huh. Unprompted lies, that's a bad sign. Either a guilty conscience or something personal's going on. [Foreman sits down with his coffee] See, that's all you had to do, Just walk in, sit down, do your job. [Leaves]


[User] Uh!new guy.

[Assistant] You need cash?!Ah, no, I, I don't have that much on me!No no, it's not a pRoblem. No, I'll be over by 6. 'Kay. *Click* [To receptionist] 5 p.m., Dr. House checks out.


[User] It's 4:45.

[Assistant] I was rounding up.


[User] Carol Moffett, please see Dr. House in Exam Room 1. [Woman gets to her feet with difficulty.]

[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, not so fast, Kathy.


[User] It's Carol. [House comes over]

[Assistant] Ah. [checks watch] Uh, trouble with the leg? [Carol nods, House spots a bridal magazine in her purse] When's the wedding?


[User] This Saturday.

[Assistant] Not much time to fit into that pretty dress, and no time for practical shoe-shopping. You're running two miles a day further than you should be.


[User] [rubs her calf] It hurts right here-

[Assistant] New shoes, less miles, and ex-nay on the afternoon Cokes, you're gonna look beautiful. [Looks at the next guy] What's wrong with you?


[User] I can't get my contact lenses out-

[Assistant] [leans close] Out of what? They're not in your eyes.


[User] But they're red.

[Assistant] That's because you're trying to remove your corneas. [walks over to next Man] What's wrong with you?


[User] Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that-

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Symptoms, [gestures at Cuddy] we're working on a personal best here.


[User] Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation- [Cuddy comes over to House]

[Assistant] And?


[User] Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his private matters-

[Assistant] Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee! [to dentist] You're a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you're either dipping into your own supply, or you've got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab's pRobably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12. [moves to the next victim] Who's left?


[User] I can't see!Nah, I'm just screwing with you. [House looks pointedly at Cuddy, who smiles] It's a hangover, my English Lit prof. told me he'd fail me next time if I didn't show up with a doctor's note.

[Assistant] Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off. [he observes the clock, which reads 4:47, and walks through the door.]


[User] Elevated beta 2 proteins, though, could be cancerous. Amyloidosis, or lymphoma.

[Assistant] Or steroids. You guys got any money on you?


[User] He tested negative for steroids. I, um, I have a couple 20s on me. [reaches into her pocket]

[Assistant] 50 of them? [Cameron looks shocked] Foreman?


[User] The fat pad biopsy and abdominal CT scan were negative for the cancers, but-

[Assistant] Well, that just leaves us with steroids!


[User] He tested negative for steroids.

[Assistant] Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use. But there's one thing they can't hide![checks his watch and walks past Ducklings 1 and 2.] Hi. I'm Dr. House. [walks over to Hank's bed] And this is the coolest day of my life. [With an Even bigger grin!he whips the covers off Hank's bed!] See? Steroid use shrinks the testicles. [The Ducklings look rather embarrassed]


[User] [pulls the covers back on] I am clean, Man, no steroids, no nothing.

[Assistant] Your lips say no, your prunes say yes. Hypogonadism. Isn't that a great word? Thanks, we don't get to say it nearly enough. [To Cameron] Start him on Lupron right away. [Walks out the door.] These freaks are willing to defile themselves for mass entertainment, for money. I feel sorry for them. [Pops a Vicodin. Lola runs after him]


[User] He drops a clean urine, denies using steroids, then you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?

[Assistant] !No, no, it's not. It-it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. [Lola looks skeptical] Basically, on a molecular lEvel, it's just milk. [Lola looks satisfied and walks back to the room. House looks at Foreman.] How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?


[User] You put him on Lupron.

[Assistant] Uh-huh.


[User] And, you told them it was like milk.

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Is there any way in which that is not a lie?

[Assistant] [thinks for a moment] It's creAmy. But, I had 3 reasons.


[User] Good ones?

[Assistant] Well, we'll see in a minute, I'm just making them up now!He lied to me first.


[User] Your mother did teach you 2 wrongs don't make a right.

[Assistant] If he lies to me about not taking steroids, then I lie to him about not treating steroids, he's cured. Adds up for me-


[User] Second reason.

[Assistant] If I told him the truth, he wouldn't have taken the stuff.


[User] And if he told you the truth, what would this stuff do to him?

[Assistant] !SEvere respiratory pRoblems.


[User] Third reason.

[Assistant] I wanted to eliminate the placebo effect.


[User] Excellent! [walks over to her desk] You and your Lawyer can write a paper.

[Assistant] Which brings me to my fourth reason.


[User] I thought you said there were only three. [sits down]

[Assistant] I thought you'd buy one of them.


[User] Seriously?

[Assistant] He's not gonna sue.


[User] Because his Lawyer is a nice guy, who realizes it's unfair to blame us for ruining this kid's hundred million-dollar career.

[Assistant] Good guess, but no. If the Lupron causes respiratory pRoblems, it means he's not on steroids, which means there's something else wrong with him. And the choices, for that something else, are almost universally very bad. [Ooh, serious.] Osteopenia messing his bones up. Hypogonadism. Impaired liver function, kidney function, and!we have Managed to find the only professional athlete in the galaxy who is not on steroids. AND it's not cancer. So, what's killing him? [looks up as Foreman enters!late again.] Who shares my suspicions that the Yankees were somehow involved?


[User] Shrunken testicles indiCate his body's not putting out enough testosterone.

[Assistant] [glances at Foreman and checks his watch] Throw out the lungs, that was the Lupron, my fault. Don't worry, I'll send him a nice note.


[User] What about something environmental? Arsenic, mercury, the symptoms could indiCate-

[Assistant] Pretty small environment. Wife's fine, no one else is sick.


[User] If you throw out the kidneys, Everything else adds up. The testicles, the bones, the impaired liver function, could all be caused by a breakdown of his adrenal glands.

[Assistant] Addison's disease, I like it. Mainly of course, because the treatment is!


[User] [rolls her eyes] Steroids.

[Assistant] Enough irony for all of us.


[User] Treatment would cause him to retain fluid. With the kidneys almost shut down already, he'll die.

[Assistant] Well, we'll get him a new kidney. [Cameron looks surprised]


[User] Your theory is that Addison's is causing all the symptoms except for the kidney pRoblems. What's causing the kidney pRoblems?

[Assistant] Cameron, if you could make an ironic guess right about now?


[User] Negative for steroids. [grins]

[Assistant] Agreed. He's not on steroids now. If he was on them anytime in the last five years, it could've caused the kidney damage. You see, kidneys don't wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn't matter, 'cuz kidneys can't tell time. Steroid damage could take years.


[User] [shakes her head] No steroids. How Many times does he have to tell you?

[Assistant] I don't know. How Many times did he lie about cocaine before coming clean with the league?


[User] That is completely different.

[Assistant] Oh, that's right, I remember. You nEver did come clean. The league was out to get you, they faked the blood tests, you had to get yourself a Lawyer-


[User] If Hank says he nEver used steroids, that's the truth.

[Assistant] That's too bad. Because our theory is that the kidney damage is caused by A, and Everything else is caused by B. The beauty of this theory is that we can treat A and B. But if you add the kidney symptoms back into the mix, then we are looking at another letter altogether, one that is apparently not in the alphabet. Can't fix the bones, no more baseball, no more breathing!no more brain function.


[User] Get another explanation.

[Assistant] Okay. Yeah. Think I've got one in my other pants. [starts to leave]


[User] Hold on. [House turns around] Five years ago, Bangor, Maine. My pitParkng coach had me on something, I nEver knew what it was.

[Assistant] And you nEver tried too hard to find out either.


[User] How you doin' Doc?

[Assistant] Good. Very good, yeah.


[User] You want me to put Hank Wiggen on the transplant list.

[Assistant] He needs a new kidney. I was thinking the kidney people might have some.


[User] Well, they like to save them for people who have-how do I put this- kidney pRoblems.

[Assistant] He's a professional ballplayer, brings joy to millions. Do you really want to be known as the hospital that sent him home to die? [Puts a fist down on some papers on her desk]


[User] That's a great idea, we can be the hospital that killed two people. The guy who deserved the kidney, and the ballplayer we bumped up the list when we weren't Even sure what was wrong with him.

[Assistant] Everything else is related to the Addison's.


[User] The test for Addison's was inconclusive.

[Assistant] The test for Addison's is always inconclusive.


[User] Why do we do it at all? We should just ask you. [tries to take a paper from under House's fist; he doesn't budge. She gives him an irritated look.]

[Assistant] You're not putting him on the list. [Moves his hand, Cuddy takes paper]


[User] Your powers of deduction are breathtaking.

[Assistant] You take a perverse pleasure at turning me down.


[User] It's what I live for. Once in a while, though, try to ruin my day. Ask me something I can say "yes"� to. [House leaves]

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry Doctor, I didn't know you were busy. Want me to come back?


[User] Is he on the list?

[Assistant] No. [walks over to her]


[User] Then I'm giving him one of mine.

[Assistant] !Okay.


[User] You're not gonna tell me it's a bad idea? Why give a kidney to someone who might not be able to use it?

[Assistant] Not my area. That is, howEver, my chair.


[User] [gets up] When do we do it? [House sits down]

[Assistant] Very noble gesture. My favorite kind-dramatic, yet completely empty. The chances of non-identical twins being a match-


[User] Do you live alone?

[Assistant] You writing a book?


[User] I made it a question just because it's more polite. You got a big "Keep Out"� sign stapled on your forehead.

[Assistant] That explains it, I told them to put it on my door.


[User] Even if real huMan contact is something you don't have or Even want, or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.

[Assistant] Yeah. Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France-high school sweethearts-they're trading brains.


[User] Or needs a thousand bucks. [Foreman laughs] What is with that?

[Assistant] I scored. [holds up an envelope] It's a brave new world, Doc, and we are at the cutting edge. You are looking [Wilson pulls the envelope open!and his jaw drops to his knees!] at two all-access passes to Paradise itself!


[User] [finally shuts his mouth] How much?

[Assistant] True cost, no Man can say.


[User] Could that Man's accountant say?

[Assistant] One thousand dollars. Friday night-the biggest official monster truck jam in the history of New Jersey!


[User] [looks horrified] Okay, please tell me you didn't just say Friday night.

[Assistant] WhatEver you've got, you cancel.


[User] I-I can't do it!

[Assistant] Listen, they only give these tickets to owners. [Wilson is stuttering like an idiot] Anytime. We wanna be in the middle of the track, we're in the middle of the track. These tickets are so good!we have to sign a release. I mean it. We do this, we could die.


[User] I've got the oncology thing! I-I!The rectal cancer lecture, they booked me a year ago! I-I-I-I-I can't get out, there's no way out!

[Assistant] [looks disappointed, then turns away] Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends. [gets up as Wilson snorts in disbelief, and he turns around.] What, you're saying I've only got one friend?


[User] Uh, and who!?

[Assistant] [thinks a moment] Kevin, in Bookkeeping.


[User] Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl.

[Assistant] I call him Kevin. It's a secret "friendship club"� name.


[User] If you have the results, I'd like you to talk to both of us. If you don't, wait for me to-

[Assistant] BeliEve me, I'd much rather be with your better half. And by better half, of course, I mean the one who struck out Sammy Sosa on three pitches and talks a lot less. But I thought I would talk to you first, and alone. [picks up a folder and opens it] I got your results back from the lab!you DO match.


[User] [looks shocked] I, I do? [House nods, and Lola looks happy and reliEved.]

[Assistant] You're also pregnant. [Lola gasps, and tears fill her eyes; a smile spreads wide across her face; House watches her reaction carefully.] You can't be a donor. [Lola looks at him, confused] Not in your current condition. [She swallows hard, and Manages a weak smile. A single tear spills down her face.]


[User] Foreman says we've got a pRoblem with the transplant.

[Assistant] [walks over to the bookshelf and shuffles through it] If she terminates the pregnancy, he's not going to let himself die on principle.


[User] !Would you give up a baby for someone you love?

[Assistant] [turns around and gives her a piercing look] Please tell me I don't have to decide. [Cameron looks hurt, and House lays off the sarcasm a little] Depends, how long would they live?


[User] Is this a pragmatic question for you?

[Assistant] Fifty years, no pRoblem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is sEven years, eight months, and 14 days.


[User] [quietly] I couldn't do it.

[Assistant] You found religion.


[User] Do you have to be religious to beliEve a fetus is a life?

[Assistant] There seems to be a correlation. [Cameron looks away; House watches her for a moment then looks away, eyes darting about awkwardly.] I'm, uh![he fiddles with the books a moment] Do you like monster trucks?


[User] !I don't know what they are. [SERIOUSLY?!]

[Assistant] !Right. [he looks down for a moment] I got two tickets. [Cameron looks at him, puzzled] Friday night.


[User] You asking me to go with you?

[Assistant] Sure. Sounds good.


[User] Like a!date?

[Assistant] Exactly. Except for the "date"� part. [She stares at him, shocked speechless. He turns away quickly, embarrassed.] Forget it. [starts to walk to the computer desk]


[User] No, I-I was gonna go to the oncology dinner!

[Assistant] 'Course, you have to hear Wilson's lecture. [sits down]


[User] His heart rate is 130 and rising, like a Randy Johnson line drive.

[Assistant] [thinks a moment] A for effort.


[User] Heart rate's down to 40.

[Assistant] I thought it was up.


[User] What's wrong? [they enter Hank's room]

[Assistant] I have no idea. [To Chase] Hit him with the atropine (sp?) before he gets to 35 again.


[User] We've already given him 3 ml. [Chase uncaps another IV]

[Assistant] Apparently, that's not enough.


[User] We can't stabilize his heart rate.

[Assistant] What did you do to him?


[User] It wouldn't do this.

[Assistant] But something did. [He sighs, and heads for the door] Call me when he's stable!or dead. [leaves]


[User] I'll just try one, Warner. [As House is watParkng, Wilson comes in. House glances at him, then continues watParkng Hank.]

[Assistant] Three more symptoms. Heart rate up, heart rate down, now he's hallucinating.


[User] He's not just dreaming?

[Assistant] No REM. He's actually awake.


[User] Drugs?

[Assistant] Not psychedelics, not with the heart symptoms.


[User] All hallucinations would point to digitalis. It would also mess up his heart. But, he's not on it, and why would he take it?

[Assistant] !Yeah. Pithy analysis. [gets up] I can see why they asked you to speak at the cancer dinner. I'm sorry I'm gonna miss it.


[User] I'm sorry about the monster trucks.

[Assistant] No, I think it's great. You're!giving back. [starts out the door]


[User] Sure, it's got a lotta movement, pRoblem is Everybody sees the movement. Yer throwing yer curve ball, like yer throwing a curve ball. [he turns to the player] Deception, that's it. [he suddenly spots House, who is sitting a few rows over.] Same motion, less movement, so it won't come back at ya. [moves away and sits down next to House] How'd you get in here?

[Assistant] Spoke Spanish. Told them I was the new shortstop from the Dominican.


[User] How's Hank doin'?

[Assistant] Lousy. [he studies Warner's hands with a keen interest] Around your fingernails, that swelling, it's called clubbing. Hippocrates noticed that a lot of his friends who also had that, tended to frequently grab their chests and die.


[User] Yeah, I got a heart condition. What's wrong with Hank?

[Assistant] What do you take for it?


[User] Digitalis. [GASP!]

[Assistant] Got 'em with you? [Warner reaches into his coat pocket, pulling out a half-empty/half-full bottle.]


[User] That's weird. I just filled this prescription a couple days ago. There's another bottle here. [searches through his pockets.]

[Assistant] Don't bother. [Warner stops and looks at him.] Hank Wiggen stole your pills. He tried to kill himself. [Warner stares at House. House stares right back. STARING CONTEST!] So what happened? He left the bottle open, while he went to get some water? Next time, just take the whole bottle.


[User] [shaking his head slowly] Hey Man, you got no right-

[Assistant] See, people remember how Many they've got. Date's right on the label, number of pills, regular person can do the math. But a junkie doesn't have to. It's how Many pills he's got left, that's all he's thinking about. Bought a big insurance policy?


[User] [laughs bitterly] This isn't about the money.

[Assistant] Not for you, no. Most reputable stores won't cash your checks after you're dead. But for Lola-well, girls like that, they're all about the money-


[User] Don't you say that. She already saved my life. I was dead in Japan and she brought me back, Everything since then, that's gravy, it's more than I deserve.

[Assistant] You owe her.


[User] Everything.

[Assistant] [nods] So, the attempted suicide, the scaring her to death, that's-what is that, that's-gratitude? Love? Yeah, I get that. [Hank stares at the ceiling] We'll take out what you did to yourself yesterday, we're back to the kidneys and the bones. [as he stands up, he sets his cane down near Hank's urine bag.] I'm scheduling the transplant. [turns to leave, but Hank lashes out suddenly, grabbing House's coat. House stumbles against the urine bag, and his pants get drenched!eeeew! He looks down at his pants in disgust and anger.] NEveR visit a Patient.


[User] I want that baby! [House fixes him with a cold glare] Even if I'm gone, that's a piece of me, and Lola. Breathing. Walkin' around town. Goin' to baseball games. [releases House's coat] If there's any more transplant talk from you, or Lola, or anybody else!I won't screw it up this time. I'll take myself out for good. [House's glare melts into defeat]

[Assistant] [nods slowly] I'll start treating the Addison's, which will most likely destroy what's left of your kidneys-


[User] Hey. [he looks down at House's pants questioningly]

[Assistant] [irritatedly] Hank Wiggen peed on me. What d'you think these pants are worth on eBay?


[User] I've got some big-boy diapers in my office, the rep. hands them out like candy.

[Assistant] Is it that bad?


[User] [sarcastically] No! Not if you like the smell of urine-

[Assistant] 'Course, why should I trust someone who lies about what he's doing Friday night? [stops to face Wilson] Question is, what are you really doing Friday night? Or more to the point, what could possibly be better than monster trucks? Or are we breaking up? [turns to enter his office. Wilson lets out a long sigh, then follows House inside. House is rummaging through his duffel bag.]


[User] !Stacy's coming into town this weekend, we're having dinner. Just!catParkng up.

[Assistant] I definitely had pants here. [turns to face Wilson] Wait a second, is that Stacy the Stripper? I heard she's playing Atlantic City.


[User] No, Stacy the Constitutional Lawyer. [House looks mildly surprised for a second]

[Assistant] You thought I couldn't handle this news. [Wilson's eyes fall to the floor and he nods. House turns his attention to the bag] You talk to her a lot?


[User] No. It's been a long time. [House continues staring at the bag] If you don't want me to see her-

[Assistant] What is this, eighth grade? [looks at Wilson] I'm fine.


[User] !It's fine if you're upset-

[Assistant] [suddenly] No! It's![zips the bag quickly and controls his voice] I have no right to be upset. You two are friends. [looks back at Wilson calmly] You should see her. Say hi for me.


[User] So!you're okay.

[Assistant] [tosses the bag under his desk] I'm not the cancer doctor who's lying about the cancer dinner. [takes his cane off the desk] I'm not the one who's betraying all those!bald-headed dying kids. [Wilson smirks, and House heads out the door] I'm gonna go get some pants, I stink.


[User] You're treating him for Addison's and you don't think it's gonna work?!

[Assistant] He tried to kill himself.


[User] I know. He's confused. We can have another baby, I can make him understand that. I'm having an abortion. We do the trans-

[Assistant] No.


[User] [indignantly] I can make decisions about my body.

[Assistant] And he can make decisions about his. He doesn't want your kidney. [Lola looks shocked and upset]


[User] So!he'll die?

[Assistant] !PRobably. If you keep that appointment, he'll also pRobably die. [Lola sobs into his shoulder] Keep the baby. [He reaches up and awkwardly pats her shoulder. He makes a face as the smell of the urine meets his nose.] !Are you just being polite? [She pulls away from him, confused] See, my pants are![gestures to his leg]


[User] Oh, they're all wet. [House looks at her, puzzled]

[Assistant] !You can't smell that? [she shakes her head, and he looks intently at her, processing this.]


[User] [laughing] Oh God, do we have to go to the lecture?

[Assistant] [looking down at Sharon] So, you're the new Arnie.


[User] Dr. House. It's, uh, good to see you. [Foreman glares at House]

[Assistant] Would you get me a coffee? Black, no sugar. [Sharon smiles, confused, and leaves the table. House sits down, turns his attention to the Ducklings.] Okay, so who is it? [The Ducklings look confused] Come on, she's sleeping with one of you. [Chase snorts, and House looks hopefully at Cameron] Oh God, please tell me it's you. [Cameron looks shocked]


[User] She buys lunches! She doesn't-

[Assistant] Don't worry, you're not gay!you're adventurous! [Ducklings roll their eyes]


[User] You think she's gonna prostitute herself? The three of us are that important to her?

[Assistant] I'm afraid not, no. The groupies sleep with the roadies in order to get to Mick.


[User] And!you're Mick?

[Assistant] [eating off Sharon's plate] That was the metaphor I was making, yes.


[User] Why are you here?

[Assistant] [studies Foreman a moment] Damn, it's you. [All eyes on Foreman, how embarrassing!] It's not Addison's. New symptom: the inability to smell.


[User] I was just in Hank's room, and he said it smelled like the men's room at Veteran's Stadium. He was right.

[Assistant] We rejected environmental causes because the wife was healthy. Well, she's not. Last six months, she can't smell a thing. If you think of them as one single Patient, add her symptoms to his![Chase nods]


[User] Cadmium poisoning.

[Assistant] It explains Everything. Even why they had so much trouble getting pregnant.


[User] Unless they were eating steel and batteries for breakfast. [Chase is thinking, watch out!]

[Assistant] So, where else is cadmium?


[User] How'd the ballplayer doing?

[Assistant] Much better.


[User] Too bad about his career.

[Assistant] What d'you mean?


[User] Major League Baseball's collective bargaining agreement requires medical reports on all treatment. Given Hank's history he's not likely to get much leniency. [stops outside of her office]

[Assistant] Why should they care that he's being treated for Addison's?


[User] [suspiciously] You're not treating him for Addison's!

[Assistant] My report says I am.


[User] You're lying on the report?!

[Assistant] Everybody does stupid things, it shouldn't cost them Everything they want in life.


[User] That was amazing!

[Assistant] I'm telling you, Gravedigger nEver disappoints. [Cameron sees a couple pass by, arms around each other.]


[User] You Ever been married?

[Assistant] [quietly] Well now, let's not ruin a lovely night out by getting personal. I lived with someone for a while. [Looks down at his empty cotton candy cone, then at Cameron's] You gonna finish that?


[User] Male, spiking fEver, congested chest and coughing up green sputum, pain in breathing "�

[Assistant] Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called noomonia, nuMania?


[User] But his X-ray and CT scan show an atypical pattern for pneumonia.

[Assistant] Pneumonia! That's it. Just a guess here, but are his parents big donors?


[User] No infiltrate! Just enlarged hilar lymph nodes.

[Assistant] Tiny unicorns goring his bronParkal tubes would be cooler. And the way you're ignoring my question! wow, they're extremely big donors.


[User] He's not responding to cefuroxime, his pulsox is dropping much faster than it should for pneumonia, and plus, he's got an odd little rash.

[Assistant] Excessive irritation. He's 12, he's on auto-stroke "�


[User] On his arm. Papular lesion, one centimeter, on top of a long thin scab.

[Assistant] Ah, you need a dermatologist. If it's dry, keep it wet, if it's wet, keep it dry, if it's not supposed to be there, cut it off. I nEver could master all of that. [House finds what he's been looking for "� a Vicodin.] There you are. Were you scared? It's okay. You're home now. [He takes it.]


[User] Fine.

[Assistant] Cuddy. As a special favor to you "�


[User] No! Admit it, I got you with the rash.

[Assistant] The rash is a total snooze. [takes the chart] Unless it's connected to the pneumonia, then it's party time. Purulent sputum, dyspnea, bronPark bilaterally. What causes this kind of rash?


[User] Usually means industrial ventilation systems, convention centers. He's twelve years old.

[Assistant] Send off a urine antigen and check if he's joined the Elks. Next?


[User] Fungal.

[Assistant] Excellent. Maybe the lodge went spelunking.


[User] Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.

[Assistant] Their mistake. That's it? Other possibilities?


[User] What if you're thinking about this backwards?

[Assistant] The rash came first, caused the pneumonia. Nice.


[User] New Jersey, it's most likely Lyme disease.

[Assistant] All right. Let's keep him on fluids and cefuroxime to be safe. And biopsy that rash. And take another history. Even if we don't learn what's causing this we definitely need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action. [His team leaves.]


[User] Gabe, it's important.

[Assistant] Secret club. What's the secret, they're all morons?


[User] He fell on something in the attic, scraped his arm, got the rash the next day. Said it smelled really moldy up there.

[Assistant] Fungal pneumonia without the cave. ClEver.


[User] Sorry, I've gotta go. [He hurries off.]

[Assistant] These young doctors. It's like they don't care about people. No Manners.


[User] My fault, pRobably.

[Assistant] That's an interesting accent you have there. I'd say Czech, with about thirty years of Aussie.


[User] You have quite an ear.

[Assistant] You're Chase's dad. Hard to miss, you know, the big hug and how happy he was to see you. [He sips his coffee and smiles.] Need a consult.


[User] With a Patient.

[Assistant] Urgent doctor stuff. [He leaves.] 26-year-old male, sudden loss of the ability to speak --


[User] Just because you got out of clinic duty doesn't mean Everybody did.

[Assistant] -- to his father. Differential diagnosis?


[User] Chase?

[Assistant] Dad swoops in, Chase swoops out.


[User] Dad say why he was here?

[Assistant] See? You asked. Dad comes 5000 miles and you're more curious than Junior is. Can't just be about the divorce. It's been fifteen years and mom's been dead for ten of them. You think Daddy murdered her?


[User] You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right. Don't talk to the people involved, drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation.

[Assistant] You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.


[User] Even I don't like you. [He walks off.]

[Assistant] [calling after him] You know, words can hurt!


[User] Felt. Fibers are made of what, cotton?

[Assistant] Hah, hah hah. [The team looks over to see House reading a book on rheumatology by Chase's father.] Sorry, forgotten how funny your dad was.


[User] Not as funny as you.

[Assistant] High praise. I know how protective kids can be of their parents. [He hands his cane over to Chase and goes to look at the microscope.] Not cotton, animal hair. Get the CT scan. [The team crowds around the CT.] First, find the name of the company that made the insulation and second, tell me what I'm seeing that makes me want to short their stock.


[User] Purile effusions.

[Assistant] Less obvious, more scary.


[User] Slightly widened. Oh God, it can be transmitted through infected animal hair. But the gram stain would have shown "�

[Assistant] No, the cefuroxime would have killed some of it, clouded the result.


[User] What does he have?

[Assistant] Anthrax. This House belonged to old Man Hussein?


[User] He's okay. [Sarah gives Jeffrey a hug.]

[Assistant] Allergic reaction to the antibiotics?


[User] You really think he's allergic to two antibiotics?

[Assistant] I want to know what Dr. Chase thinks.


[User] It's possible to think he's allergic to both anti "�

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry! Not you. Understandable mistake. The other Dr. Chase. [Chase is not amused.]


[User] Necrosis can theoretically take as long as two weeks. [Smirk.]

[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, it's not a competition! It's a diagnosis! Okay, who thinks [raising a hand over Chase's head] Junior wins? [Everyone's quiet.] Four to one, it's not anthrax. So we start over, what's changed? What do the nodules tell us?


[User] Sarcoidosis.

[Assistant] Excellent. Send an ACE lEvel. If it comes back positive, put him on methotrexate.


[User] Call the Lancet, because that's one bizarre allergic reaction.

[Assistant] Come on, there's no reason you both can't be wrong. It's not allergy, but it's not coincidence, either. Disease number one set off disease number two.


[User] Anthrax weakened his immune system.

[Assistant] And triggered a dorMant sarcoidosis. Keep him on antibiotics for the anthrax and start him on methotrexate for the sarcoidosis.


[User] Fine. [He leaves.]

[Assistant] Better go with him. Make sure he doesn't snap and hurt somebody. [Foreman follows him.]


[User] You're being funny?

[Assistant] Apparently not.


[User] You know why I give money to this hospital? It's the only way to get attention. You see this? [He holds up his wrist.]

[Assistant] Is this a magic trick? Because I am a total David Copperfield fan, although that "Tornado of Fire,"� that seemed a little fake "�


[User] Pain in the wrist. Won't go away for months. [House pops a Vicodin.] Six doctors' brilliant conclusion is to take it easy. I write a check, name goes on a plaque, and forty-eight hours later I've got two MRIs, a bone scan, and a diagnosis: carpal tunnel. I'm in surgery that afternoon.

[Assistant] Fascinating story. You thought of adapting it for the stage? [His beeper beeps, he goes to get it in his office.]


[User] I love my "� look at me! "� love my son, love him more than anything else in the world, and you're going to start paying attention to this case, or I'm going to make things miserable for "�

[Assistant] Go back to your son's room.


[User] I'm not leaving here until you get your ass in gear "�

[Assistant] There's a pRoblem. [Jeffrey walks out, and..]


[User] Uh, he has clinic duty this morning.

[Assistant] No, he doesn't. I rescheduled you guys so you'd be free.


[User] Keep going. [House enters.]

[Assistant] You page me?


[User] No, I don't need you.

[Assistant] Oh, come on. We all need help now and again. [Cameron, Foreman and Rowan also enter.] You're getting a consult. Okay, we've got new skin lesions, bigger and uglier. What would cause that?


[User] Gabe's dad found leishManiasis and filariasis on the internet yesterday. They didn't fit then, but now they kind of do.

[Assistant] Sure, except for the nodules and we're not working out of Calcutta General.


[User] The only reason you're thinking auto-immune is because you're a rheumatologist! If you were a proctologist you'd think rectal cancer.

[Assistant] Gotta go with Senior. He literally wrote the book on this one.


[User] And 100 mg. of cytoxan, it treats most auto-immunes.

[Assistant] We'll give it to him now, before the fat starts dripping out his eyeballs.


[User] Hey! My fingers are numb!

[Assistant] Your watch is on too tight. [Well, how about that! Patient crisis solved.]


[User] You're messing with my head.

[Assistant] Your relationship with your dad is messing with your ability to do your job.


[User] Only because you made my dad part of my job.

[Assistant] Good point. Haven't seen him in years, he flies across the Atlantic to see you "�


[User] Pacific.

[Assistant] You breeze by him like he's a Hare Krishna at the airport. You don't Even ask why he's in town.


[User] [on the stairs] It's pRobably a conference.

[Assistant] PRobably. I was hoping to do this by sheer Manipulation, but if you insist on talking, fine, talk. [He walks over to the foot of the stairs.] What did he do to you?


[User] How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?

[Assistant] I'd hate it. That's why I clEverly have no personal life.


[User] I'm going to biopsy his skin lesions.

[Assistant] Good thinking! Prove your dad wrong. That'll solve Everything.


[User] I've got to talk to House about this treatment.

[Assistant] But the Patient's getting better.


[User] In spite of the cytoxan.

[Assistant] On the other hand, getting better.


[User] Cytoxan makes him more susceptible to infection. The anthrax could relapse and be more resistant.

[Assistant] Better!


[User] You want a negative test for Every auto-immune disease known to Man? Fine, I'll get them!

[Assistant] Be home by midnight or he can't have the car this weekend. [Chase stops by the door.] You guys talk? Did he tell you why he's here?


[User] The SLE conference.

[Assistant] Going back to the conference?


[User] Afternoon panel. I hope I can stay awake.

[Assistant] I hope you can get in. You're not registered. I get it. You had to make up a lie. Can't just tell your kid you're here to see him. What father does that? That little blue dot under your collar. [Rowan moves to cover it up.] It's a tattoo for guiding radiation treatment. I was looking for it after I saw what you had for breakfast: brown rice and vegetables, macRobiotic diet. Popular with Hollywood starlets and cancer Patients.


[User] Lungs, stage four.

[Assistant] You look good.


[User] I'm not. Came to the States to go to Sloan-Kettering, and to see Dr. Wilson.

[Assistant] What'd he say?


[User] Three months.

[Assistant] But you haven't told Robert. You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.


[User] I'd prefer you not tell him.

[Assistant] Yeah, it's better. I'll get to see his face when he reads his dad's obituary.


[User] It's not your business.

[Assistant] I suppose it isn't.


[User] If we don't stop the nerve deterioration quickly, he'll be paralyzed for life.

[Assistant] Well, luckily, at this rate, that should only last about a week. Okay, so "�


[User] Robert was right. You said multiple neurofibromatosis.

[Assistant] Are you saying that for the chance of a beautiful family moment, or is there some medicine involved?


[User] Fits better.

[Assistant] Too bad. I was hoping for the other reason. I was gonna go get my camera. Get a CT scan. His brain this time.


[User] One's always been more than enough for me. [House taps him on the shoulder with his cane.]

[Assistant] Why didn't you tell me that Rowan Chase was in to see you?


[User] [to the blonde] Excuse me. [to House] Ethics, confidentiality? Does any of this ring a bell?

[Assistant] You could have covered yourself. Called me in for a consult.


[User] It is a juicy piece of gossip. You know what happened? I got all focused on his cancer and lost perspective.

[Assistant] You can't tell Chase, but I can. What should I do?


[User] Oh! This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part. Did Rowan ask you not to tell?

[Assistant] I promised I wouldn't. My fingers were crossed, though, so I'm wide open.


[User] I was wrong! This is the musing-out-loud part! Do I actually need to be here?

[Assistant] Telling him, now that's got real entertainment value.


[User] Hmmm, he might Even cry. On the other hand, there is the "do unto others"� thingy.

[Assistant] Then I should definitely tell him! I'd want to know.


[User] You want to know Everything. There's also the "keeping your promises"� thingy.

[Assistant] Oh, you nEver run out of thingies. Like that blonde thing you were chatting up.


[User] She's the hospital accountant! We were going over billing procedures!

[Assistant] Double-entry bookkeeping? [Elevator dings, because the elevator wins at comic timing.]


[User] What are you going to do?

[Assistant] Billing procedures. They're so compliCated, aren't they? [Wilson rolls his eyes as the doors close.]


[User] No masses, no fibrous tangles, nothing. It's not neurofibromatosis.

[Assistant] Drs. Chase are 0 "� 3. Even when they agree they're wrong. So, next. What else could cause neural damage as well as all the nodules?


[User] Doesn't matter. His lesions are in the wrong place, his feet are the one clear spot.

[Assistant] Kid's dad mentioned leishManiasis.


[User] Yeah, and filariasis, but the throat nodules still don't fit with that.

[Assistant] Two diseases pretty much exclusive to Southeast Asia. What if the anthrax didn't set off the second disease?


[User] We're back at coincidence again?

[Assistant] No. What if something else was the trigger?


[User] Nothing else happened.

[Assistant] We happened.


[User] We've been through this, it's not an allergy.

[Assistant] I've gotta pee. [He leaves.]


[User] What did the CT scan tell you?

[Assistant] Nothing. [He grabs Jeffrey's bad wrist.]


[User] Ow!

[Assistant] On a scale of one to ten, how painful?


[User] About half as painful as when I punch you in the face.

[Assistant] Don't do that. It'll hurt you. Carpal tunnel surgery obviously didn't work.


[User] Who are you?

[Assistant] The little ones call me Uncle Gregg. Your dad nEver had carpal tunnel. You mentioned two obscure diseases to Dr. Chase. How'd you know about them?


[User] I read about them on the internet.

[Assistant] So, what'd you search for? "Diseases from Asia that don't match my son's symptoms"�? You heard about them in Asia.


[User] I've nEver been there.

[Assistant] Well, you pRobably just forgot. Let me refresh your memory. Some remote, dusty village, close quarters, at least a year! starting to come back?


[User] Excuse me, what does this have to do with our son?

[Assistant] [to Gabe] Your dad's pissed off. He should be. Comes here, expecting us to do an extra good job because he gives a whole lot of money to this hospital "�


[User] [yelling] Don't talk to my son like that!

[Assistant] Just telling him my job, my obligation to this "�


[User] Stop! What's going on?

[Assistant] There's only one thing that you guys have got to do. Tell the truth, or your son will die. How long were you in Asia?


[User] What does this have to do with my son? [But House has left.]

[Assistant] Clue number one: If I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine.


[User] Demonic possession?

[Assistant] Close, but no wafer. Clue number two: Rheumatology Rowan was almost right. It causes auto-immune symptoms.


[User] Yeah, that's real big in the Jersey suburbs.

[Assistant] It's leprosy. Run a FITE stain, it'll be positive. Daddy hung out on the wrong kind of Indian ashram.


[User] But it's obviously dorMant in the dad, how could the kid catch it?

[Assistant] It's not dorMant in the dad, it's just slow. Damaged his ulnar nerve, was misdiagnosed as carpal tunnel. NEver trust doctors. Run a FITE stain.


[User] No wonder he got anthrax. The leprosy weakened his immune system.

[Assistant] Vicious circle. The leprosy made him vulnerable to the anthrax, and the anthrax treatment put the leprosy in overdrive.


[User] But the antibiotics we gave him, they cure leprosy.

[Assistant] Yeah, that's where the trouble starts. [CGI shot of what House is talking about.] The antibiotics hit the nerve strands, they kill the leprosy bacteria. The corpses get tossed into the system. And as fascinating as our bodies are, they're also stupid. They produce antibodies to beat dead bacteria. And these aren't the polite antibodies, they're the ones that won't sit still; kick during naptimes. They attack his neural and fat cells, cause some inflammation and all the rest of his symptoms.


[User] So the cure's killing him!

[Assistant] [to Cameron] I want you to call down to Carville, Louisiana, home of the last leper colony in the lower 48. Get them to send up some thalidomide.


[User] Thalidomide?

[Assistant] Twelve-year-olds don't have sex, right? So he can't be pregnant. Make the call. [to Rowan] I need to speak to your boy. [Chase is alone in the office with House.]


[User] Why does Everybody need to know my business?

[Assistant] People like talking about people. Makes us feel superior. Makes us feel in control. And sometimes, for some people, knowing some things makes them care. [He takes some Vicodin.]


[User] I'd tell you my dad left, my mum drank herself to death! you gonna care about me more?

[Assistant] Cameron would. Me, I just like knowing stuff. [pause] I know you hate your dad, but I'm gonna tell you something "�


[User] I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out that it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments.

[Assistant] Okay.


[User] That's it?

[Assistant] That's it. [Chase leaves.]


[User] I need a doctor. I can't move my leg!

[Assistant] 32-year-old female, paralysis and sEvere pain in her right quad. Go.


[User] How'd she get to you?

[Assistant] She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da Man? I da Man. I always suspected.


[User] Dr. House, I beliEve that they're right, and "�

[Assistant] Stop talking.


[User] What?

[Assistant] You read one of those negotiating books, didn't you? "Getting to Yes: Fifty Ways to Win an Argument."� "The Hitchhiker's Guide to Being a Pal."� In five seconds you just Manipulated these two into agreeing with your point of view. [Chase and Foreman look defensive.] Fellas, this is known as "soft positional bargaining."� It's not gonna work.


[User] Dr. House, are you saying that she doesn't have a clot or are you saying that if she does have a clot she doesn't need blood thinners and an angiogram?

[Assistant] Chase, put her on blood thinners, do an angiogram. [Cameron looks triumphant.] When that comes back negative, MRI the spine. If that's clean, cut her open and biopsy the leg.


[User] Excellent suggestion.

[Assistant] Read less, more TV.


[User] Hmm. [He walks off.]

[Assistant] Say "ah"�.


[User] Ah.

[Assistant] No, really belt it out, like you're gonna throw up.


[User] Ah! [He coughs in House's face.]

[Assistant] Perfect. Okay, that's it. We should know in a couple of days what's growing in your son's throat. [The dad doesn't say anything in response.] Hello?


[User] He can't talk.

[Assistant] Excuse me?


[User] He had knee surgery.

[Assistant] Right!


[User] About a year ago, and then he couldn't talk.

[Assistant] Right, yeah, well, that happens. You know, it's very dangerous operating so close to the vocal chords. Okay, well, we'll send your kid's culture to the lab and somebody will call you. [As he's leaving] BOO!


[User] AAH! [The dad looks frightened, but doesn't say anything.]

[Assistant] Just wanted to see if your dad, uh, sorry. [He leaves.]


[User] I need you to wear your lab coat.

[Assistant] I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.


[User] Wear the coat.

[Assistant] Man oh Man. Someone got spanked real good this morning.


[User] Guy gives $100 million to cure cancer, pretty small concession to wear a lab coat.

[Assistant] Cure cancer. Is the hospital getting out of the dull business of treating Patients?


[User] You know that's not what he's doing.

[Assistant] I know exactly what he's doing. He's using us to run clinical trials.


[User] Oh, shame on him! Saving lives like that!

[Assistant] [entering his office] It's unethical. [Cuddy follows.] Oh, are you coming in, too? I thought I had you convinced.


[User] Clinical trials save thousands of lives.

[Assistant] He's using Patients as guinea pigs.


[User] Pharmaceutical companies do that Every day.

[Assistant] Are we a pharmaceutical company? We're gonna wind up pressuring desperate Patients into choices that are bad for them, good for us. You're gonna compromise Patient care.


[User] Who the hell am I talking to? Suddenly ethical lapses are a major concern for you?

[Assistant] What's interesting is it suddenly doesn't bother you.


[User] So, if you ignore ethics to save one person it's admirable, but if you do it to save a thousand you're a bastard. All he's done is taken your game and gone pro.

[Assistant] He's not going to kill a few Patients. He's going to kill this hospital.


[User] We should introduce ourselves. It couldn't hurt.

[Assistant] [getting coffee] Make him a bundt cake. Patient hit a ten on the pain scale. What would explain that?


[User] There was no clot in her leg, the angio was totally clean.

[Assistant] What about the muscle biopsy?


[User] My Aunt ELisalives in Philiadelphia.

[Assistant] Oh, it's storytime! Let me get my baba.


[User] Her normal temperature is 96.2, not 98.6 like you and me. If her temperature were 98.6, she'd have a fEver. I'm just wondering if you think we could apply the same logic to Carly's sed rate.

[Assistant] That's absurd. I love it.


[User] If 15 is high for Carly, then she has inflammation.

[Assistant] Which could, in turn, mean cancer. I'll talk to Wilson. Next time, skip Aunt Elisa.


[User] You're pRobably talking about a primary bone cancer. Can be tricky to detect, you'll need a bone scan "�

[Assistant] That's why I'm talking to an oncologist.


[User] Sure, I've nothing better to do besides departmental meetings and budget reports! new ChairMan of the Board, you know.

[Assistant] Oh! I hadn't heard.


[User] Right. Clinical trials!

[Assistant] Completely unethical.


[User] And a very bad omen for you. There's not much money in curing African sleeping sickness.

[Assistant] No, I have seen Every scary movie Ever made. Six-year-old twins in front of an elevator of blood, boys' choirs: those are bad omens. This is much more mundane: a billionaire wants to get laid.


[User] Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.

[Assistant] And the reason you want respect?


[User] To! get laid.

[Assistant] Okay then. You've just gotta think like a billionaire. [Wilson smiles.] Let's see, big scary changes, and then, "Oh, Dr. Cameron, we should have dinner to discuss your future on my G-5 private jet."�


[User] Oh, come on. You know how good you have it here.

[Assistant] Yes, I'm the big poobah, the big cheese, the go-to guy.


[User] You do the cases you want to do, when you want to do them. You're not going to get that anywhere else.

[Assistant] Relax, I've been through three regime changes in this hospital. Every time, same story.


[User] Just keep your head down, that's all I'm saying. And put on your coat.

[Assistant] It itches. [Wilson sighs and leaves. House calls after him.] So, are you going to do this bone scan for me or what?


[User] Yes. [House throws a Vicodin up in the air and catches it in his mouth.]

[Assistant] Dr. Simpson! Did you hear? New Management. I'm thinking about switParkng to orthopedics. How much do you guys get for massage now, without the happy ending?


[User] Dr. House, what do you want?

[Assistant] You remember a guy named Van Der Meer? Not a big talker. You fixed his ACL.


[User] Well, not according to my medical malpractice premiums.

[Assistant] Didn't get hypertensive during surgery? No strokes? Maybe some connectivity loss?


[User] What, you're going to get involved now?

[Assistant] I'm not involved. Guy brought his son into the clinic.


[User] I didn't touch the son. I'm not taking any responsibility there.

[Assistant] The son's fine. Can't shut him up. The dad show any signs of cortical disease? Wernicke's?


[User] No. Nothing. And that's why we settled; because we couldn't find anything. The guy got over a million dollars, don't tell me he's complaining.

[Assistant] He's not saying "boo"�.


[User] There is another way. We could do a virtual colonoscopy. Basically, we do a CT scan of your colon. It's non-invasive, but it's very expensive. I assume that's not a pRoblem. [Carly looks at him.] Say yes.

[Assistant] Mr. Van Der Meer. [Dad is typing on his laptop.] What? [Dad types "wHats werong gwith ricky"�] Relax, Ricky's going to be just "finkf"�. Strep throat, here's a prescription for an antibiotic. He should be all better in a few days. Although, [House turns around wielding a needle] this might sting a little. [He approaches the dad, who looks frightened. House looks up to the ceiling, and when the dad looks up, House injects him in the neck.] I want to see you again real soon. [Evil smile!]


[User] Virtual colonoscopy was clean. No colon cancer.

[Assistant] What happened to a regular old-fashioned colonoscopy?