[User] With pedestrian alcoholism. Liver biopsy can wait until after Thanksgiving.

[Assistant] Yes, assuming the biopsy's gonna tell us exactly what we expect it to tell us, it can wait till after New Year's. On the other hand, Taub and Thirteen can do the liver biopsy today.


[User] Why us?

[Assistant] Juniority. Welcome back.


[User] What do you want us to do?

[Assistant] Same as me. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.


[User] String beans?

[Assistant] Julia?


[User] Nice. Except now we have to stay and test his kidneys. [She hands him his sandwich.]

[Assistant] Key under the mat.


[User] There's no key under the mat.

[Assistant] Oh, right. You need to replace one of your kitchen windows. I helped myself to your wine cellar. [He picks up an almost empty bottle of something.] I'll leave a buck on the way out. You're not right for her.


[User] And you are?

[Assistant] Less wrong.


[User] Ah.

[Assistant] Then I started thinking... [long pause while Lucas waits] What was I saying?


[User] You were saying it's late, and...

[Assistant] She invited me. She didn't know if she should. She was trying to figure out if I really have changed or... if I'm still the same old S.O.B. I've always been. But she always gave me a chance. 832 chances. And I used up Every one of them. 832's her limit. Make a note.


[User] How 'bout a cup of coffee? [He heads for the kitchen.] It's just instant, but...

[Assistant] I'm pathetic. I don't deserve her.


[User] Okay, okay, all right. Uh, here. [Lucas comes over, grabs House under the arms and helps him onto the couch. He exhales loudly. House is draped across his lap.] Maybe you should crash here. It's a sofa bed.

[Assistant] I love her.


[User] What did you say to Lucas last night?

[Assistant] I know there were a lot of consonants. [He winces slightly.] I don't remember how I got here, nEver mind what I said.


[User] Well, I just talked to him. And he said he thought it'd be better if we stopped seeing each other. Said he didn't realize how much there still was between you and me, and he didn't want to get caught in the middle of us.

[Assistant] I was drunk. WhatEver I said, he can't really "�


[User] I've had enough, House. I actually felt bad about scamming you. But then you lived down to my expectations and then some. There is no "us." There nEver will be.

[Assistant] It worked.


[User] Please tell me you're talking about a medical procedure.

[Assistant] They split up this morning. You're the very first one I've told.


[User] And you think she'll start dating you? I'm sure she hates you.

[Assistant] But her eyes say, "How will I Ever pay you for that tennis lesson?"


[User] [sighs] Ah, what a shame.

[Assistant] They'll get over it.


[User] I meant for you.

[Assistant] I'll get over it faster than they do. [laughs slightly] Can't beliEve that Lucas fell for my "I nEver say this because it's so personal except that I'm drunk" profession of love. Second-oldest trick in the book.


[User] You're right. It's his fault because he's stupid.

[Assistant] [pause] He certainly is. You're stupid.


[User] Well, I'm rubber, and you're glue.

[Assistant] He's not pedestrian, he's stupid. At least stupider than he should be. He's a DXM junkie.


[User] Dextromethorphan. As in cough syrup?

[Assistant] He wasn't taking it for his cough. It's cheap, available at your corner drug store, and taken in high doses, it's a dumb drug.


[User] Dumb drug. Well, he obviously hasn't "�

[Assistant] He's smart compared to you. He's a moron compared to what he was. "Robotripping." Lowers the IQ. It also causes brain damage. Unless taken with the proper amount of ethanol. About one drink per day. He wasn't abusing the booze and taking the cough remedy medicinally. He was abusing the cough meds, and taking the booze medicinally. Bravo.


[User] You do.

[Assistant] Long-term abuse of DXM explains all your symptoms. Even "� oh, sweet irony "� your cough. Whole bowel lavage, activated charcoal. We get all traces of it out of your system. You'll be the unhappiest little courier in no time. [He starts to leave.]


[User] I don't think I can live without it.

[Assistant] You'd be surprised what you can live without. Make him a genius.


[User] No. That's the pRoblem. I'm the one who's a jerk. But I owe her Everything. I want to want to be with her. And when I'm clear, I... I can't.

[Assistant] Fainting, dizziness, shortness of breath?


[User] Sometimes. Is the wait always this long?

[Assistant] Only on days that end in "day." Diarrhea, weight loss?


[User] A bit. Don't you Ever shave?

[Assistant] Yeah. once a week. How 'bout you? Stomach pain, tenderness?


[User] Every now and then. Are you this rude to all your Patients?

[Assistant] Oh, yes! Don't think you're special. So we've got a lot of vague, unverifiable symptoms. Yet all the physical signs are perfectly normal.


[User] What do you think I have?

[Assistant] I'm not sure, but I think it's... a lame job.


[User] What?

[Assistant] You're a rat. Insurance company sends you out to check on the quality of medical care.


[User] That's ridiculous.

[Assistant] Is it really? 'Cause you seem a lot more interested in asking questions than answering them. Handwriting on your medical records is obviously not a doctor's 'cause I can almost read it. And when you went out for a urine sample, I looked in your purse. Found the list of questions you were supposed to memorize before you came to the clinic. I was looking for gum.


[User] You're an ass.

[Assistant] Put it in your report. I tell you what. I'll give you 20 bucks if you'll pretend that I'm not when we leave this room. Remember, first ice, then heat. If you have any pRoblems, don't hesitate to call me.


[User] Thank you, Dr. House.

[Assistant] Wait a second. Where's Cuddy?


[User] Gone for the day.

[Assistant] [He sees Ronnie leaving.] Hey, hey, hey! [She runs for the outer door.] Sorry. I can't remember if I've mocked you yet for being a male nurse.


[User] I think this counts.

[Assistant] Fair enough. [He leaves.]


[User] Vitamin B12 deficiency? Gives us anemia, numbness.

[Assistant] Not a stroke.


[User] If he has a vascular malformation "� Anemia's not macrocytic.

[Assistant] Sorry to inconvenience you. Dying Patients can be so thoughtless.


[User] Don't.

[Assistant] Great comeback. Is that Oscar Wilde? Come on, people.


[User] Bone marrow malignancy.

[Assistant] Wouldn't produce sParkstocytes.


[User] Lupus.

[Assistant] Gee, thanks for coming in. ANA was negative. [to Chase] What about you? Got any predictable drivel you'd like to add?


[User] I think they've given you enough already.

[Assistant] Well, at least they're trying. They're not just sitting there like roadkill. Give me something. Give me something, or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her.


[User] You're gonna be pressing charges?

[Assistant] Against the ottoMan I tripped over?


[User] Against Chase.

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure the ottoMan was acting alone. You free for dinner this weekend?


[User] At least three other people saw him do it.

[Assistant] Mass hysteria. Either night?


[User] I can't have doctors punParkng each other out.

[Assistant] Oh, my God, who got punched?


[User] And more importantly, for Chase's sake, I need to know if he's able to handle himself or if I should be getting him some help.

[Assistant] Chase couldn't have punched anyone. He was with me when I tripped over the ottoMan. If you're not planning on eating this weekend, maybe a movie?


[User] I'm not doing this, House. It's not fun anymore. Just do your job.

[Assistant] I need your help.


[User] What happened to your face?

[Assistant] I was mowing the lawn when the phone rang. You're a computer. I'm gonna feed you data, and you analyze it.


[User] What, are you gonna feed me 20 years of medical knowledge too? It's not gonna work.

[Assistant] I know. But I don't have anyone else to ask.


[User] It's lonely, isn't it?

[Assistant] It's not that bad.


[User] Then you're not that smart. You Ever tried to kill yourself?

[Assistant] Not quickly.


[User] I did. 12 years ago I jumped off the top of my eight-story building into a dumpster bin the day before pickup. I broke my collarbone, my leg, and three ribs. When I was in the hospital they put me on narcotics and suddenly Everything was just better. I didn't feel isolated or lonely. That's where I met my wife. She was so happy. And dumb. And I was... smart... and miserable. You tell me who the genius is. I fell in love with her buzzed out of my head, and I knew I wanted to stay that way forEver.

[Assistant] Enjoy.


[User] [chuckles] Easier on your conscience if I die an idiot?

[Assistant] What's a conscience? [He starts to leave, then turns back.] Which ribs... did you break in the fall? They on the left side?


[User] Ferrous oxide contrast?

[Assistant] Gets absorbed by the spleen. Unless he doesn't have one. In which case it's absorbed by the liver, and fries that.


[User] You think I opened him up and didn't take out his spleen?

[Assistant] All organs do look kind of the same "� red and squishy.


[User] Okay, that is amazing.

[Assistant] 12 years, eight stories, and a dumpster ago, he broke three ribs, damaged his spleen. Bits of it split off, circulated through his bloodstream until they landed and attached somewhere else.


[User] So it is TTP. I just didn't remove... all of his spleens.

[Assistant] 16 splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives with that.


[User] I can outrun you. [House stops and turns toward Chase.] Sorry about the nose. And the eye. And the, uh... eyebrow.

[Assistant] Guess I deserved it.


[User] Well, if I thought that, I wouldn't be apologizing.

[Assistant] Your fist slipped?


[User] Everybody kept bugging me, asking if I was okay.

[Assistant] So you busted my nose to keep people off your back.


[User] [wincing then admitting it] Pretty much.

[Assistant] Making people Even more worried about you.


[User] Maybe. But at least they're not talking to me about it.

[Assistant] [slight nod] Fair enough.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] Don't be so grateful. You'll be delivering packages for 70 years to pay for it.


[User] Well, uh, thanks for our talk. It's been a while since I had a stimulating conversation.

[Assistant] So what're you gonna do?


[User] Well, she doesn't have to know. It's worked for 12 years.

[Assistant] [standing] Tell your brain I said good-bye.


[User] Einstein is giving himself a lobotomy, and you're cool with that?

[Assistant] Ignorance is bliss.


[User] [staring at the picture] Wow.

[Assistant] [rising] Dr. Cuddy. Can we at least be civil?


[User] How's your nose?

[Assistant] It's okay. Does your kid like animals? I got tickets to that holiday carnival. I hear they have a nice petting zoo.


[User] I think I was pretty clear before.

[Assistant] I don't mean with me. Here. Take 'em. Enjoy.


[User] No, thanks.

[Assistant] They're not fake. I didn't steal them. One of the nurses was selling 'em for her kid's scout trip. I know it doesn't make things right between us, but I just wanted to do something nice.


[User] [looking pained.] I don't want them.

[Assistant] Okay.


[User] I'll see you tomorrow.

[Assistant] They didn't split up. She wouldn't take the tickets.


[User] Of course. Windtalker code for "we nEver split up." House, she told you multiple times she wants nothing to do with you.

[Assistant] I wasn't gonna be there. She just felt guilty that I felt guilty, so she couldn't take them.


[User] Either that or she didn't want to appease you.

[Assistant] These weren't reparations. Just a simple gesture of remorse, and she slapped it down. They didn't break up. She just wanted me to think that so I'd back off.


[User] Dare I ask what you're gonna do?

[Assistant] Nothing. I said they'd either break up or they'd stay together. They didn't break up.


[User] And you're okay with that?

[Assistant] It is what it is.


[User] Good for you.

[Assistant] [pulling the bandaid off] Aah.


[User] Oh. How the...

[Assistant] (singing) Well, I guess it would be nice, if I could touch your body, I know not Everybody has got a body like you. Baaby.


[User] You know, most people go for the hardwood or carpeting. I think guitars and garbage work just as well.

[Assistant] Got the urge to play last night. Had to go all the way back to my apartment. Thought I'd save on future trips.


[User] Hmm. That's very eco-friendly of you. How about keeping down on the noise pollution?

[Assistant] (looking at his watch) 6:33. You should be flossing by now.


[User] Ah. Ah.

[Assistant] Is it that time of year again? He's a self-important jerk.


[User] He's my friend.

[Assistant] He's a self-important jerk.


[User] (clearly annoyed) Seems to be what I'm attracted to.

[Assistant] Guy calls you Jim. Doesn't Even know your name.


[User] (proudly) I just had a House moment. Diagnosed Transverse Myelitis from a cold sore. How cool is that? Patients really eat that crap up.

[Assistant] It's why I'm loved. (to Chase and Thirteen) What am I doing here?


[User] Ultrasound is clear.

[Assistant] Which means he's definitely not pregnant, right?


[User] (groaning) I'm joining you, Antonio Aguilar. We'll play in God's MariaPark band.

[Assistant] Draw some blood. (to Wilson, but not looking up from his phone) The self-important jerk does not have Transverse Myelitis. He's got cancer.


[User] How do you Even--

[Assistant] (closing his phone and finally looking up at Wilson) Okay. Maybe I paid the redhead down in records a few bucks to CC me on all your cases. A few Patients die, you might get sad again. Make a speech that would end your career. Frankly, I'm stalking you for you. (to Thirteen) How long does a simple blood draw take?


[User] Almost finished.

[Assistant] Well, when you're finished almost finishing it, test it.


[User] Confusion. Delirium.

[Assistant] Why rule out the hand of God so fast? (to Wilson) Your guy's low white count and right arm paralysis equals a recurrence of his leukemia. Simple math.


[User] Did you look past the first page of the file? No AML cells anywhere. I did the blood smears myself.

[Assistant] It's still cancer. You know how I know? He's got an oncologist for a doctor.


[User] And your magical leukemia detector is more powerful than a flow cytometer?

[Assistant] I look for zebras because other doctors rule out all the horses. In this case, you are those other doctors. You haven't earned a zebra. 100 bucks.


[User] Are you serious?

[Assistant] (standing up) Look, friends don't diagnose friends with cancer. I get it. Your pRoblem is you're not objective. Your caring is clouding your diagnosis. Just cut that out and you could be a pretty decent doctor. (to Thirteen) Just give me the lactic acid lEvel.


[User] 27

[Assistant] (House nods and goes over to Juan) The fact that you can't speak English is not an excuse for you not being humiliated by what I'm about to say. It's also not an excuse for you not telling us that you were a tennis pro. If you had, we wouldn't have wasted our time.


[User] Thanks, Doc.

[Assistant] Hey. Can a guy get a little privacy?


[User] Nice hiding spot.

[Assistant] Actually, it's perfect. It allows me to hide from Cuddy and find you. What did she want?


[User] She was checking up on Tucker thanks to you.

[Assistant] That's it?


[User] Like what? Something about you? Something you could interpret as being about you? An anagram maybe? It'd be great if you could play hide and seek somewhere else. My Patient--

[Assistant] No pRoblem. Just give me the 100 bucks you owe me and I'm gone.


[User] Tucker doesn't have cancer.

[Assistant] He doesn't have a ball of fungus in his lungs either. Next time you want to use my team, I suggest you at least leave a tip.


[User] There's nothing to talk about.

[Assistant] (pushing the intercom button with his cane and speaking to Chase) Why are you doing surgery when I need you finding me a new case?


[User] (looking up at House from the OR) You don't want a new case.

[Assistant] Oh, right. Guess I'm here for Wilson. Obviously you didn't tell me that Cuddy was moving in with Lucas 'cause you were protecting me. Which is odd since I told you that I'm fine with their relationship. So obviously, you question one of those assumptions or you have an issue with logic.


[User] Yes, you're fine with them dating. But moving in together is a whole other lEvel of commitment.

[Assistant] (scoffing) This is the 21st century, Wilson. I realize that the logical course of any adult relationship could one day lead to fornication. Although, the fact that she wants to buy a loft, could actually mean that their relationship is not as serious as I thought.


[User] Oh, for God's sake, House, don't do this to yourself. It's a loft. It has no deeper meaning than open-space living arrangement.

[Assistant] If you bought into her diatribe about rediscovering her lost city girl roots. And two bedrooms. It just reeks of commitment issues.


[User] Yeah. Or she has a baby.

[Assistant] This is classic mid-life Cuddy crisis. This is her version of a two-seat convertible.


[User] (looking up at them) Wilson, he's got global lung damage. Means it's not fungal. It's PCP pneumonia.

[Assistant] Hmm. Obviously something is knocking out his immune system. Three options. HIV, acquired SCID, or my personal favorite, cancer. I'm sure you'll test for all three. (House leaves. Chase and Wilson look at each other)


[User] Thanks. The treatment indiCate--

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were in the middle of something.


[User] It's a conference room, with glass walls. You thought I'd be alone?

[Assistant] Your Patient has cancer. Not that guy. Who pRobably also has cancer. And he's pRobably also your buddy. (handing Wilson a sheet of test results) Thought you'd want to know. And you owe me 100 bucks.


[User] Coming through. House got a new case.

[Assistant] (stopping to hand Wilson a piece of paper) Revised OR schedule. Sorry, Wilson, had to bump you. It's not like your guy's bleeding out of his eyes.


[User] House, your guy's not bleeding out of his eyes either.

[Assistant] The nurse who books the OR thinks he is.


[User] Your case is no more urgent than mine.

[Assistant] (pushing through the doors of the surgical suite) Yeah, but you're way more Patient.


[User] Maybe not.

[Assistant] We just removed a screw from a guy's lung. And the weird thing is he didn't get better. Any idea what that means?


[User] It means you're not listening to me.

[Assistant] No. It means I'm ignoring you to make a point. There is a difference.


[User] The pRoblem with that technique is I have no idea what point you're making.

[Assistant] That your idea is implicitly not worth responding to. Doubling your Patient's chemo dose is stupid. Damn, now it's explicit.


[User] It could swamp out the resistance of the cancer cells.

[Assistant] The fact that it theoretically should work doesn't make it any less stupid.


[User] Of course it does. It's exactly what you would do.

[Assistant] I'm me. You're you.


[User] And a table is a table.

[Assistant] And chemo is poison. And double chemo is double poison. And I can handle it when things go wrong. You can't. And things could go very,


[User] Either way, he's dead. (House enters the lab) We can't stop the oozing.

[Assistant] Don't care. I'm here because (looking at his watch) it's 1:15 and Wilson started testing at 12:45. Which means...


[User] (turning to face House) He needs a new liver.

[Assistant] Look on the bright side. You can publish the results of this case study. No one will Ever double the dose again.


[User] I'm sorry, Mel. You and Emily don't match Tuck's blood type. And neither does Ashley. So a live liver donation is out. The best thing to do is just what you've been doing. Be together.

[Assistant] Hope he already told you that you're gonna die. 'Cause it's gonna make what I'm about to say a lot more relevant.


[User] House, I know it's raining out there in the hallway, but�

[Assistant] I was just in the ER, testing my Patient for autonomic dysfunction. It's the only department with a shower big enough for the whole team, plus the cardiac monitors, plus me. Anyway, relevant part, we're just wheeling the guy out, trauma came in. Motorcycle versus semi.


[User] How bad?

[Assistant] Bad for the motorcycle. Good for your liver. Blood type's a match.


[User] Why wasn't I paged?

[Assistant] Because there's a pRoblem. No organ donor card. Dead guy's sister


[User] Where is she?

[Assistant] 20 minutes away. (House and Wilson rush out of the room)


[User] How do you get the call that your brother's dead and then run out the door? "Oh--oh--oh, that reminds me, I-I had dry cleaning to pick up."

[Assistant] Did Cuddy buy the place?


[User] Not yet. You okay?

[Assistant] Just making conversation. Yours was getting boring.


[User] What are you planning?

[Assistant] I'm not planning anything.


[User] And I don't beliEve you. How are you gonna punish her for dating Lucas?

[Assistant] Okay, now this conversation is getting boring.


[User] Are you really okay?

[Assistant] (loudly) No! I am not okay. Not Even close.


[User] Wow. Okay. See, that's very adult of you.

[Assistant] No, it isn't. It's just me accepting the fact that there's nothing I can do and moving on.


[User] Which is, I think, the definition of adulthood.

[Assistant] Well, if it is, being a kid is a lot more fun. Showtime. (He gets out of the car and he and Wilson walk up the driveway)


[User] (trying not to sound too desperate) It will save my Patient's life.

[Assistant] (approaParkng Aikoa) What if I told you that he wasn't dead?


[User] Are you saying my brother is still alive?

[Assistant] I'm saying you're being an idiot. But I don't have time to talk you out of your religion so I'm stuck with giving you a technicality that will let you justify


[User] (interrupting) House.

[Assistant] The last generous act of a living person.


[User] (interrupting again) House, it's too late. The liver's started to degrade. It's no longer viable for transplant.

[Assistant] Well played. Religion just killed another person.


[User] Tucker, it's... I can't.

[Assistant] Late night with the Pigeon sisters?


[User] "I'll nEver betray the secret of the bushido of the heel"�]

[Assistant] Someone's cranky. (looking at his watch) And late. Where were you?


[User] (going into the kitchen) getting a drink. What--why are all my frozen dinners thawing on the counter?

[Assistant] I needed room for my margarita jello shots. I used test tubes as bottles so they'll be shaped like my cane. Why'd you go out drinking alone when you got such great company here?


[User] (He leans on the doorway and pauses) Tucker wants me to donate a lobe of my liver to him.

[Assistant] And you were out drinking. So you're actually considering this?


[User] Yeah. I was out marinating my liver in alcohol to get it ready for the transplant. Yeah.

[Assistant] (standing up) Your mouth says no, but your pathetic attempt at a deflection has guilt written all over it.


[User] It's my fault. It is my fault! I gave him too much chemo.

[Assistant] You cured his cancer.


[User] And killed him in the process.

[Assistant] Quibbles. He's had a predictable complication. Surprise. Bad things happen to people who are sick. Doesn't make you responsible.


[User] Oh, no--not legally. Ethically. Ethically!

[Assistant] A table is a table. Don't be a doormat, Wilson.


[User] Call me a doormat-- get it all out of your system-- but I'm doing it.

[Assistant] (rising) Why?


[User] He's my friend.

[Assistant] I'm your friend. All the pain pills I've taken. What if I need your liver?


[User] Right. How selfish of me not to have considered your possible future needs.

[Assistant] They're all dying. They're all your friends.


[User] I'm not here for an argument, House.

[Assistant] No, right, that's room 12A. So why are you here? Want to make sure that I've called the moving van?


[User] No. The operation is in two hours, and I'd like you to be there with me.

[Assistant] No.


[User] What-- why?

[Assistant] (looking Wilson right in the eye and sounding emotionally vulnerable) Because if you die, I'm alone. (He looks away and sits back down behind his desk, rubbing his leg)


[User] (wheeling himself out) Actually, it's James.

[Assistant] (taking off his glasses and putting them in his shirt pocket) You ready to admit that he's a self-important jerk?


[User] I still feel good about what I did.

[Assistant] You don't feel angry?


[User] Ah. I'm a little disappointed.

[Assistant] Disappointment is anger for wimps. You don't have to be so gentle about Everything. It's okay to get angry once in a while.


[User] You can't change a table.

[Assistant] Actually, you can. Just need a coat of paint and the guts to use it.


[User] Bonnie told me what Cuddy bid.

[Assistant] You're gonna outbid her?


[User] (wandering over to the kitchen area) We do need a bigger refrigerator. She hurt my friend. She should be punished.

[Assistant] You got mad. I'm proud of you. Cuddy won't share that sentiment. How are you gonna explain it to her?


[User] I'm changing our address to a P.O. box.

[Assistant] (looking around at the fireplace and the large windows) She'll find out Eventually.


[User] Bonnie. I'll take it.

[Assistant] Baby steps.


[User] We almost done here?

[Assistant] Assuming you did this shaving your forehead... Okay, then. I'm ordering a head C.T.


[User] You gotta stay here. We'll straighten out that mess with Marco tomorrow. Let the doc do his job.

[Assistant] Actually, stitParkng you up is really the E.R. doc's job.


[User] Yeah. Too long of a wait.

[Assistant] Yeah. Also, a lot of cops in the E.R. [pause] Not that you care about that. So how did this happen? [looks from Mickey to Eddie] Yeah, you're right. That was a stupid question. 'Cause the answer's kind of obvious. No scrapes on your hands means you didn't try to break your fall. Means either out cold or totally disoriented when you went down. No sign of trauma other than the cut means no one hit you in the head. Powder burn on your jacket sleEve means someone shot a gun.


[User] All right, Eddie. Come on, let's go.

[Assistant] I don't care what you guys are into. If you don't get this checked out, it'll happen again.


[User] Whoa. What will?

[Assistant] This. [He slams his cane against the paper-covered exam table. It makes an explosively loud "crack"� sound. Mickey and Eddie stare at House for a seconds then Mickey crumples to the floor. House peers over the exam table at him.] Cool. 32-year-old Man, recent dEveloped loud-noise-induced vertigo. C.T. was clean. No internal bleeding, no edema. Everything else is in the file. [He sits then leans toward Chase.] Cameron get your hair in the divorce?


[User] This guy strained his back three years ago. And that's it. All the rest of these pages are blank.

[Assistant] Yes, he won't tell us anything. Understandable, since he's a drug dealer.


[User] He actually said he was a drug dealer?

[Assistant] Not out loud. But he was wearing a solid gold Patek Philippe. His friend had a Rolex. But their phones were prepaid burners, so they can toss 'em as soon as they're done.


[User] [sitting back down] It doesn't matter if this guy's a drug dealer or not. Noise-induced vertigo means ear or brain. Head C.T. was clean, so I'm thinking acoustic neuroma. We need to do an A.B.R. to test his hearing.

[Assistant] Acoustic neuroma fits. So does lidocaine toxicity. Or benzocaine "� depends what he's cutting the coke with.


[User] So now he's not just a drug dealer, he's a cocaine dealer.

[Assistant] He seemed peppy. You test his ears. I'm gonna go test his cocaine.


[User] You think this guy's just gonna hand over a briefcase full of illegal drugs because you ask nicely?

[Assistant] I hope not.


[User] I make that much money. [He turns to give the paper back to Foreman and sees his face.] And... apparently, you don't.

[Assistant] I need the drugs.


[User] We're in textiles.

[Assistant] [screams, his face furrowing down the center in a very good imitation of Sabretooth from X-men] I need the drugs! Hmm... works for Jack Bauer.


[User] Is this really necessary? The chairs in the hall are way more comfortable.

[Assistant] But way less genre-appropriate. Okay, here's the deal. I need information. You have reasons not to give me that information. So either I can force it out of you... [Eddie looks skeptical] or I can't.


[User] I wish I could tell ya.

[Assistant] Okay... Well, let's work with that. Forget the drugs. Let's talk about textiles. What's your major product? Is it "h"? And by that I mean "hosiery."


[User] We do more with... culottes.

[Assistant] Is that with a "c" or a "k"?


[User] "C." Nobody wants "k" anymore.

[Assistant] Does your friend cut the fabric?


[User] No, he's a sales guy.

[Assistant] Well, he must cut a culotte here and there.


[User] I'm sorry. Can I talk to you for a second?

[Assistant] [walking over] I'm interrogating a suspect. Make it quick.


[User] [clears throat and whispers] Everyone in our building thinks we're gay. [He clears his throat again.]

[Assistant] We're grown men over the age of 30 who moved in together. We're two tigers away from an act in Vegas. They'll figure out we're straight Eventually.


[User] Any chance I could get some water over here?

[Assistant] If only there was some way to communiCate that information to her. Perhaps using, I don't know, sounds. If only the larynx was capable of "�


[User] She didn't beliEve me. She sidestepped my dinner invite.

[Assistant] And a Woman would only reject you because she's worried that you might not be interested in her.


[User] We were chatting, having fun. There was definitely a sPark.

[Assistant] When she thought you were gay. [to Eddie]You sure your friend isn't secretly tr "� [turns back to Wilson] What is a culotte, anyway?


[User] Mickey hates the stuff. He's one of the few guys I trust to watch the product overnight. They took him away an hour ago. You think he's okay?

[Assistant] It's an ear test. Pretty sure he'll live.


[User] Which means we can stop the bloodhound gang routine and go back to being doctors.

[Assistant] [whining] But we're doctors all the time. It's so boring. [speaking normally] Fine.


[User] Thought I'd give myself a little treat. What if it's not his brain, but it's on the way to his brain? Carotid stenosis.

[Assistant] Get an ultrasound of his carotids. See if his arteries are clogged.


[User] You bugged his room?

[Assistant] Our Patient sleeps in the building where they keep their stash. Eventually, he'll say something that gives away where that is. And we'll find out what's making him sick.


[User] But we ruled out environmental causes.

[Assistant] You ruled out environmental causes.


[User] And you pretended to agree, just so we'd take him out of his room so you could plant the bug.

[Assistant] Carotid stenosis was a decent idea. But an Even decent-er idea is that he's got toxins stored in his fat cells. Every calorie he burns makes him sicker.


[User] Bug's a better idea than blindly running tests for days.

[Assistant] Tell him it'll take weeks. It'll be faster.


[User] Shut up.

[Assistant] 3-B? You're Nora, right? My roommate tells me you're the one to thank for all the tips about the neighborhood. Greg.


[User] Nice to meet you.

[Assistant] I hear you thought that Wilson and I liked to polish each other's swords. And by swords, I mean pistols.


[User] Of course he told you about that.

[Assistant] Oh, don't worry. Actually, I'm surprised that doesn't happen more often. We're both straight. [There's a flat package, about 6 feet tall, wrapped in brown paper, leaning against the wall. House rips the paper off. It's an enormous, framed poster from "A Chorus Line."� House steps back and clasps both hands and his mouth, admiring it.] Oh, my... God, that is beautiful. [to Nora] We finally have the room to display it the way it deserves. Would you "� would you help me get this upstairs?


[User] Absolutely.

[Assistant] Nice shoes, by the way. Louboutin?


[User] Patient went out, came back worse than before. Points us back to environmental, tied to wherEver he went.

[Assistant] No, it doesn't. Where's Foreman?


[User] What do you mean, "No, it doesn't"? We screwed up the tail. My car was impounded.

[Assistant] True, amusing, and irrelevant. Foreman fall for the paycheck thing?


[User] Uh, yeah.

[Assistant] Mazel tov. Should be fun to watch.


[User] You're off environmental?

[Assistant] WherEver he went, it wasn't for long enough. Add in the fEver and infection's way more likely. And if it is an infection, his symptoms suggest it's moved to his brain. Which means...


[User] I ran into Nora this morning. She told me about your Evita listening party.

[Assistant] The London and New York recordings are so different.


[User] You were supposed to tell her that we're straight.

[Assistant] She didn't beliEve me, either.


[User] [smiling] You're doing this to mess with me.

[Assistant] Correction "� I started doing this to mess with you. Now I'm honestly trying to hit that.


[User] By pretending you're gay and in a relationship with me?

[Assistant] [standing] We're in a relationship and we're really unhappy. Communication's nEver been easy for us. PRobably 'cause we're so closeted. I got it all figured out. Nora and I spend the next few weeks hanging out, become best girlfriends. I confide in her about our issues.


[User] I can't decide if this plan is more despicable or illogical.

[Assistant] Then, one night, we get drunk... back rub turns into a front rub... The next morning, "I've nEver felt this way about a Woman before."


[User] That's... quite a commitment you've made to jumping the girl I'd like to date.

[Assistant] I'd like to date her. In the sense that I'd like to jump her repeatedly.


[User] I saw her first.

[Assistant] Seriously? You're invoking the guy code?


[User] We're guys. It's a code.

[Assistant] You're only bringing this up 'cause you know you're gonna lose.


[User] It's not an infection, but it might be an autonomic nerve disorder.

[Assistant] The hair is still bumping me. Did you get it cut because you're ready for the next chapter or "�


[User] We stuck a needle into his spinal bodies twice. His heart rate stayed normal. If we add that to his other symptoms...

[Assistant] That would be a mistake.


[User] She's nEver gonna fall for it.

[Assistant] [over his shoulder] Well, then, you got nothing to worry about, sweetie. You're a wuss.


[User] [sitting up] Say that when I'm better.

[Assistant] What, are you gonna beat me up? That sounds stressful. Maybe you should pop one of your beta blockers first.


[User] You have a heart pRoblem?

[Assistant] Medically, no. He would have told us about that. Metaphorically...


[User] It's an effect from operating outside of the law. Sometimes, I have to do bad things. And not always to bad people. Last few months, that hasn't been so easy. A guy got me the pills. [House nods.] And they control the stress. Look, don't "� don't say anything to Eddie. All right? The last thing I need is the guys thinking that I've gone soft.

[Assistant] When was your last pill before we originally admitted you?


[User] Um, the night before.

[Assistant] And we stuck you in here, and you went into beta blocker withdrawal. That's what caused the hypertension. When he got out of here, he took another pill, and the hypertension went away. Which means it was nEver a symptom. We take that off the table, we've got vertigo, fEver...


[User] !and stress. He's been in this game for a while. Either he grew a conscience over the last few months or he's producing excess adrenaline.

[Assistant] Pheochromocytoma.


[User] What?

[Assistant] It's Greek for, "You'll be back doing bad things to good people in no time." [to Chase] M.R.I. his adrenal glands. You're okay with that, right? You're not gonna put a pillow over his face?


[User] [muting the TV] Hi, James. We've got some kung pao left. [arParkng her back as House finds a knot] Oh! God. Right there. Oh. Oh.

[Assistant] We're having a picnic... with wine.


[User] I'll pour you a glass.

[Assistant] He doesn't drink.


[User] And environmental is back at the top of our list of suspects. We're trying to narrow down the possibilities.

[Assistant] [to Thirteen] That receiver doesn't respond to Manual stimulation. Maybe if you took off your shirt.


[User] Most buildings there were built between 1920 and 1940. We're compiling a list of toxins most common "�

[Assistant] There's got to be at least one open frequency. I need a few minutes with your friend. Or stay if you want. [He grabs a rubber glove and waves it around.] Rectal exam.


[User] I'll check out the cafeteria.

[Assistant] [dropping the glove on the bed] Why the beta blockers?


[User] What do you mean?

[Assistant] Valium and Xanax actually reduce stress. Beta blockers just control the symptoms of stress.


[User] Whoa.

[Assistant] Keep the heart from racing, hands from shaking, and all those stage fright issues. That's why some people take them when they perform.


[User] What the hell is that?

[Assistant] This is my bug. [He puts it in his pocket.] And this... [reaParkng between the pillows on the bed]


[User] Um...

[Assistant] This... This is yours. [He pulls out another one.]


[User] You bugged your own room? Are you... an inforMant?

[Assistant] An inforMant would have sold his pals out to us at the first sign of a sniffle. This guy... is a cop.


[User] I don't see how this is relevant.

[Assistant] In the land of no fun, you got a really sensible piece of property.


[User] Give him a break. Knowing this guy's an undercover cop doesn't get us any closer to curing him.

[Assistant] Good point. You know what they say. Information is not power. Wait...


[User] You're saying we should use the cop thing to force him to talk?

[Assistant] Force? I'm talking about the Womanly art of persuasion. [She starts toward the room.] I said Womanly.


[User] Any more clots keep forming, he may not last 24 hours.

[Assistant] And the moron still won't talk.


[User] Bad guy, cool; good guy, moron?

[Assistant] Pretty much.


[User] Guy's a hero. He's risking his life to put these dealers in jail.

[Assistant] I'm sure the dealers who take their places will be very grateful.


[User] Except that treating for Everything could kill him faster than whatEver's killing him.

[Assistant] Got a better idea?


[User] Yeah, private party, Man. Uh... I got it covered tonight. [After a moment, the guy walks off, giving Eddie the thumbs up. Eddie turns to Thirteen.] Nice.

[Assistant] The jealousy is... killing me.


[User] Well... he clearly cares about you. Very much.

[Assistant] Why can't he show it in a "� in a normal way? I'm so tired of... the whole silence and the resentment. I don't know if I can go back there tonight. [Dean Martin's "Sway" playing] [voice breaking] I need some time.


[User] Come stay at my place.

[Assistant] Really?


[User] Mm-hmm. It'll be fun. You know, like a "� like a sleepover.

[Assistant] That would "� that would be... It would be such a help. Thank you.


[User] House.

[Assistant] What are you doing here?


[User] I'm here because...

[Assistant] Nothing you can say is going to change anything.


[User] I love this Man. And I am not wasting another moment of my life denying that. [He pulls something out of his overcoat pocket and kneels down next to the table. The "something"� is a ring box, which he opens.] Gregory House... will you marry me?

[Assistant] Wow. This is unexpected.


[User] I'm gonna go.

[Assistant] No "� no, no, no.


[User] I didn't see any fungus at the location, and none of the samples "�

[Assistant] Looks like somebody missed something. Which is embarrassing for somebody.


[User] And... the steroids we gave him would have suppressed his immune system. If that was a fungus, he'd have 30 aneurysms.

[Assistant] Somebody's got a good point.


[User] We need to start him on antifungal meds before he drowns in his own blood.

[Assistant] [staring at the scans] Do it.


[User] [sticking her head in] Want to grab some coffee?

[Assistant] Kind of a bad time.


[User] Sorry. Uh, you told me to drop by, so... This is when I could make it.

[Assistant] Right. [He mumbles something as he gestures for her to have a seat.] This whole thing with Wilson... It's all my fault. We're not closeted, because we're not gay. [She smiles, disbelieving.] For real. [She stops smiling.] Wilson thought you were cute, and I was just yanking his chain. Maybe that's not the best phrasing.


[User] So you were only spending time with me to screw with him?

[Assistant] God, no. I was spending time with you because I want to touch your boobs. [She puts her hand to her chest.] Enough to listen to Evita, twice. And I really hate Evita. That's how much I like your boobs. [She puts down her hand and stands to go.] Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. [He gets up and comes to her.] Wilson... he's a really good guy. And he really likes you.


[User] Well, it's really... It's sweet of you to stick up for your friend like that. [She looks at his face.] And you're still trying to sleep with me. You know, maybe I will call him. It would serve you right.

[Assistant] Wilson's a jerk too.


[User] Well, at least he tried to do the right thing.

[Assistant] He's been divorced three times. He slept with a dying Patient. Sure, he looks like a boy scout, but then... The aneurysms look mycotic, but they're not. They're inflammatory. Because this is not a fungal infection. The hypertension was a real symptom. You've been unwittingly treating it with beta blockers. You stopped taking them, and your blood pressure went up. It's Hughes-Stovin.


[User] Are you sure?

[Assistant] If you die in the next day or so, I will be.


[User] I'm sorry about your Patient.

[Assistant] He died a hero in his own mind. Guess it's better than nothing.


[User] Ran into Nora in the elevator. She no longer thinks we're gay. Now she thinks we're mendacious dirt bags.

[Assistant] Mendacious dirt bag comes much more naturally to me. Least we can get rid of that. [He gestures at the A Chorus Line poster.]


[User] I kind of like it. [House stares at him.] Unlike this sofa.

[Assistant] It's 500 bucks. And... [he pulls a lEver on the side] it reclines.


[User] [takes a deep breath and sings]

[Assistant] I will punch you in the face.


[User] I'll stop, if you get rid of the sofa.

[Assistant] [glares at him] No chance.


[User] 27 year old female intense, intermittent ear pains, saw six doctors!

[Assistant] Tell her to stop lurking in the front row. If she wants to hit on musicians that's what tour buses are for. Next.


[User] If I ask why were in Wilson's office is there any chance I'll get a straight answer?

[Assistant] Try it. Try it.


[User] 14-year-old boy, joint pain and excess hair growth.

[Assistant] Tell him to masturbate, no more than 3 times daily. With meals. Next.


[User] Did I mention that the 27-year-old female is really hot. And her husband is really not!

[Assistant] Wild guess, he's rich.


[User] Not unless social workers have begun pulling in the big money recently.

[Assistant] (holding out his hand) Gimme...


[User] You're taking the case because she's hot?

[Assistant] No, that would be an accident of genetics. It's because she's hot and her husband is ugly. It's a fascinating window into the mysteries of huMan psychology. Also, she's really hot.


[User] Or... She, you know, loves her husband.

[Assistant] (reading the file) She loves something about him.


[User] To a healthier diet, raw foods, lots of nuts.

[Assistant] It's not the ear, it's the heart. Her protein is cheese, which can raise cholesterol. Hers was already elevated. Gave her arterial blockages.


[User] Cardiac arrhythmia presenting as ear pain. Very rare. Cool.

[Assistant] So, beauty and the beast. (He hands the file back to Chase) Who wants to go see? (House's phone rings)


[User] (sighing) You can't sleep in your own office? Or bedroom for that matter?

[Assistant] (rolling over) Got to avoid my natural habitat. Some idiot I went to med school with keeps leaving messages and wants to drop by for lunch.


[User] So tell him no.

[Assistant] It's compliCated.


[User] It's too compliCated for you to tell someone you don't like, to screw off? That's practically your hobby.

[Assistant] A few months ago he was... sort of part of my therapy. My shrink told me to write a letter of apology to someone I hurt.


[User] (taking off his coat and putting on a labcoat) And how did you hurt him?

[Assistant] We were in a seminar on flatworm genetics. I switched my final paper with his.


[User] You plagiarized? Doesn't sound like you.

[Assistant] I was testing a theory. I thought that our professor was biased against me. I assumed he'd get a high grade with my paper and I'd get a low grade with his. Interestingly, I was wrong. I got an "A."�


[User] So you're in this mental hospital, delving into your subconscious, and this is who you choose to apologize to?

[Assistant] Yep. Lorenzo Wibberly.


[User] Of all the people in the world you've hurt?

[Assistant] Not Everyone has a name that's so easy to find in the white pages.


[User] Um... I'm in there, and so is Cuddy.

[Assistant] Yeah. And yet, I picked him. It's funny, isn't it?


[User] (grabbing a Patient file and heading for the door) Yes, it's hilarious. Great to see what a success your therapy was. (He leaves, closing the door behind him)

[Assistant] (loudly) We said we'd nEver go to sleep angry.


[User] Where are you?

[Assistant] Undisclosed location.


[User] Who are you hiding from?

[Assistant] (looking at two framed photos on the coffee table) Wilson. And the lunch date that Wilson is, no doubt, right now trying to sic on me. But in the great game of chess that is our relationship, Wilson sees only one move ahead. (He sits up and picks up the photos) I see dozens. That is why he will nEver mate me. (When there is no response from the team, House clarifies) That's a chess term.


[User] That's great. A co-worker confronted our Patient. Altered mental status. Basically accused her of poisoning him. We think he was projecting.

[Assistant] So he's poisoning her.


[User] What could he get his hands on to cause supraventricular tachycardia?

[Assistant] (riffling through Cuddy's desk drawers) Does he have dry skin? Thin eyebrows? If you're sharing an amazed look, please do it louder.


[User] He might have. How did you know that?

[Assistant] If he has hypothyroidism and he dumped his meds in her coffee, that would make her heart go boom. (taking one of the photos out of the frame) In a bad way.


[User] Because she's a successful, happily married consultant, and he's a crazy, drunk weirdo who we just tossed out of the hospital.

[Assistant] (taking the other photo out of its frame) And she's hot.


[User] You don't think it's suspicious she didn't Even mention it to her husband?

[Assistant] Yeah, Foreman. Why did you break up with Thirteen? Oh, no, wait, the non-subtextual thing she was saying, why that?


[User] This is about the case, not some imaginary issue that you think Foreman and I have.

[Assistant] Great, start her on beta blockers.


[User] Greg? Lorenzo Wibberly. Dr. Wilson said you'd be here. How ya been?

[Assistant] (to himself) Check, and mate.


[User] Look... I'm sorry this is awkward or whatEver. I just thought it was nice of you to write that letter, and I wanted to tell you that you don't have to feel bad.

[Assistant] (looking uncomfortable) Thanks. So where are you working these days? You got your own practice or you at a hospital?


[User] I thought you knew. Dani's, the organic supermarket chain.

[Assistant] As an in House doctor?


[User] I actually nEver got licensed. I didn't graduate med school. I planned on going back, and then my father got sick and I had to take care of him and had some bad luck.

[Assistant] Why didn't you graduate?


[User] I was one credit short. And I was sort of already on academic pRobation. So...

[Assistant] (almost afraid to ask) Which credit?


[User] I got a, uh... He failed me on that paper you switched. I thought you knew.

[Assistant] (hopefully) So I'm guessing you're the CEO of this supermarket chain?


[User] Why do you want to meet her so badly?

[Assistant] Psychopaths always fascinate me. I think it's their cultural literacy and strong family values. Or is that Jews?


[User] We're not gonna be able to get an honest read on her unless we figure out a way to get the husband out of there.

[Assistant] Hmm. I got an idea. (to Bill) Can you get out of here? Thanks. (Bill leaves. House looks at Foreman) It was the "thanks" that did it. (to Valerie) Hi, I'm Dr. House. How long have you been a psychopath?


[User] Are you saying I'm like Ted Bundy or something?

[Assistant] Psychopathy can get a bad rap. It doesn't necessarily mean you're violent. Just that you're completely without conscience, you lack any normal emotion, you Manipulate Everyone around you, you're promiscuous, you lie pathologically. Any of this ringing bells?


[User] (to Thirteen) Is that why you were asking me all those weird questions?

[Assistant] Yeah "� though you have Darwin to thank for that. She got the creeps around you. Which oddly, is an actual medical phenomenon around psychopaths. PRobably an evolved response to predators.


[User] I'm sorry, you're really freaking me out. I have no idea what "�

[Assistant] Relax. We have a duty of confidentiality. And you have an undiagnosed heart pRoblem that could kill you at any moment. We beliEve that your mental abnormality is related to your physical one. So if you want to keep on predating...


[User] No. I gave him a little valium and an emetic.

[Assistant] You sure you understand what the word "no" means?


[User] Same thing you get out of your job. Bill has a trust fund. And I have a prenup his parents made me sign.

[Assistant] Told you he was rich. She's not that weird.


[User] She kind of reminds me of someone I know.

[Assistant] Tell me about it. Some of my co-workers will insult people right to their faces. How long have you been this way?


[User] Just how I am. Are you gonna cure my heart pRoblems now?

[Assistant] So psychopathy plus cardiac arrhythmia. Go.


[User] I thought you were bluffing to get information. You really think they're connected?

[Assistant] Two rare conditions in one Patient, it's a fair assumption they are.


[User] Psychopathy is generally just genetic. Nothing you can do about it. Something that hits 30 years after birth isn't gonna be connected.

[Assistant] Her disease isn't gonna lie dorMant that long. Did her heart warp her brain?


[User] Maybe a handful of diseases.

[Assistant] It'll be super awesome when we find it. (He stops in front of the elevator and pushes the button)


[User] Tertiary syphilis can cause pseudopsychopathic syndrome and cardiomyopathy.

[Assistant] Fits best. Start her on penicillin, and rule out Wilson's and Hashimoto's. There's your handful. Wasn't so hard, was it?


[User] You've gotta do something about Thirteen. She flouted both my authority and yours.

[Assistant] Yes, and she got it right and you got it wrong.


[User] Which just aggravates the pRoblem. She'll do it again. Next time it won't work out so well. You gotta punish her.

[Assistant] You're her boss. In some vague, nEver to be usefully defined way. You punish her.


[User] I'm also her ex, which, as you know, makes it a little compliCated.

[Assistant] The fact that you also fired her takes it from a little compliCated to a little moronic.


[User] It was the only way I could "�

[Assistant] It wasn't because you were too in love with her. It was because you were too in love with your career. We're almost at my floor so I'll summarize. Your pRoblem, not mine. (He gets off the elevator)


[User] You cut up my only copy of that photo.

[Assistant] That rare daguerreotype. You can charge me for the effort it takes to search your hard drive for a new copy.


[User] (she follows House to the door of an exam room) Not the one of me and Lucas. The one from Ecuador.

[Assistant] Right. I had forgotten your deep emotional attachment to lemurs.


[User] To my dad.

[Assistant] You got his tail?


[User] He was holding the camera. That was the last trip we Ever took together. And I don't have a digital copy.

[Assistant] Well, I could stand here all day apologizing, but I'd rather expiate my sins with good clean work. You ignoring my texts?


[User] (in poor Spanish) Él es un doctor de medición (He is a doctor of medical.)

[Assistant] Tambi�n de la medicina (Also of medicine.) Doctor Wilson me llamó a una consulta (Dr. Wilson called me in on a consult.) Wibberly's got some agenda. PRobably trying to guilt me into getting him a better job.


[User] How pissed was he?

[Assistant] Not at all. That's how I know he's got an agenda.


[User] (rubbing his eye) Me duele mucho (It hurts a lot.)

[Assistant] Entonces no te lo hubieras golpeado (Then you shouldn't have hit it.)


[User] If you feel guilty, you should do something to help. You are responsible.

[Assistant] No te preocupes. (Don't worry.) El Dr. Wilson es un muy buen m�dico.


[User] Thanks.

[Assistant] Qui�n tiene una enorme consideración por los pacientes por su propia batalla fatal con impotencia. (Dr. Wilson is a very good doctor. Who has enormous empathy towards Patients which stems from his own crippling battle with male sexual dysfunction.)


[User] What?

[Assistant] All I'm responsible for is the foreseeable consequences of switParkng papers. A bad grade or a sleepless night, worst case, a retest. There was no way to know that one seminar paper was gonna destroy this idiot's life.


[User] If there's any karma in all this, he's pRobably happier than you are.

[Assistant] Good point. If he's happier, there's no harm done. I'll go find out.


[User] That is absolutely not what I said.

[Assistant] (to Jose) Always with the modesty, this one. La siguiente vez que tu quieras drogarte secretamente y confundir tu dedo con un clavo, las gotas para los ojos son buen remedio, pero usa menos por eso es que estas llorando demasiado. (Next time you want to get secretly stoned at work and mistake your thumb for a nail? Eyedrops are a good call, but use less, that's why you're tearing up so much.)


[User] You want something to eat?

[Assistant] I'm cool. How's work? You happy with it?


[User] You know... It's a job. I don't need to take any work home with me at least.

[Assistant] Free time... Wouldn't have any of that if you were a doctor.


[User] Yeah. True. You like Parkli? I could reheat some.

[Assistant] (looking out the sliding glass doors at the back of the House) Is that your yard? That's nice.


[User] Yeah. That sugar maple, 100 - 150 years old. Most beautiful leaves in the fall. Sitting underneath on the bench "� It's like paradise.

[Assistant] I don't have a yard, myself. You got a good thing going.


[User] I know.

[Assistant] (looking around the living room) So what are the boxes for?


[User] I'm moving.

[Assistant] From paradise?


[User] Well, my dad's medical bills and me being one of those idiots that got an adjustable mortgage. So!

[Assistant] You're losing your home.


[User] Hey, it could be worse, right?

[Assistant] How?


[User] I don't know what happened.

[Assistant] (looking at a lab report and then putting it down on the table) Neither do I, but I know what happened after. She called Cuddy and deManded that I kick you off the case. I backed you up, because I trust you. But you're gonna have to earn that trust now.


[User] (reading the lab report that House put down) Actually, he backed you up because of the new B.U.N. creatinine numbers. Brittle bones were from kidney failure.

[Assistant] There is that. So, heart and kidneys.


[User] And brain.

[Assistant] Nope, psychopathy is not a symptom.


[User] It was yesterday.

[Assistant] In the meantime, kidney failure ruled out syphilis and testing ruled out the other ideas that would've fit.


[User] Protein lEvels, kidneys, arrhythmia. Could be paraneoplastic. I'd say lymphoma.

[Assistant] Get her to radiotherapy.


[User] Then how about partially accurate?

[Assistant] Those of you who haven't slept together, you can go. Everyone else, stay behind.


[User] Oh. Sorry. (to Thirteen) That was our secret, right? (He leaves)

[Assistant] (to Foreman and Thirteen) Go have sex.


[User] No, thanks.

[Assistant] Fine, I'll cover the Viagra and the lubricants. Just get me a receipt.


[User] We have zero feelings for each other.

[Assistant] (rising from the chair) Well, that's too bad, 'cause things worked much better when you did. Would it help if I slept with her?


[User] We were getting to a diagnosis.

[Assistant] No, we were already at the diagnosis. You were creating a fake argument about an irrelevant treatment issue, 'cause you can't stand to be around each other. So have sex, fight or quit, I don't care. WhatEver you're doing now isn't working. (He picks up the file and goes to his office)


[User] Yeah, I'll do it now.

[Assistant] So when you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?


[User] Dr. House. What are you doing?

[Assistant] Just checking in on your radiotherapy.


[User] From what I hear, you nEver visit Patients. And now, you've come to chat with me twice.

[Assistant] I want to know how you like being a Management consultant. I'm thinking of getting into it. That or psychopathy maybe. Which pays better?


[User] I think you're already into one of them. Dr. Hadley made a joke yesterday. She said I sound like you.

[Assistant] I'm sure you understand what "joke"� means.


[User] So you're not just out for yourself? For example, you would nEver interrupt a sick Woman's treatment just because of some personal obsession?

[Assistant] Of course I'm self-interested. We all are. We're born that way. The rest of us are born with consciences.


[User] Which is something you just sound ecstatic about.

[Assistant] I'm not saying it's logical. I'm just saying it's huMan.


[User] I'd give her a day. Two days at the most.

[Assistant] Great. You be the clock. Everyone else will be the doctors. Heart, kidneys, now liver.


[User] Primary hepatic fibrosis?

[Assistant] That's our best guess. Start her on steroids.


[User] No one's gonna risk their life to save hers.

[Assistant] Man, one false accusation from a psychopath, and you turned out to be a real bummer. I'm gonna go see if Wilson has any liver left.


[User] (entering the office) What are you doing?

[Assistant] Paying Wibberly's mortgage for a few months. (He rips the check out of the book) Congratulations on another successful round of hectoring.


[User] Wait a minute, is that actually a check for him?

[Assistant] No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.


[User] Of all the people to go the extra mile for, why this guy?

[Assistant] (putting the check in an envelope) I don't know. He just kinda smells good and makes me laugh.


[User] Why not Cuddy? You nEver apologized after you defaced her photo.

[Assistant] Maybe because I recognize that sending someone to the poorHouse is a little more serious than editing a snapshot.


[User] No, it's because Cuddy actually means something to you, which makes it much harder to apologize.

[Assistant] (addressing the envelope) Oy. If it will make you shut up, I will tell her I'm sorry about the photo.


[User] Forget the photo. House, she was in love with you. (House licks and seals the envelope) And all she got in return was abuse. For years you toyed with her emotions.

[Assistant] She wasn't in love with me.


[User] The fact that you still can't admit it just proves my point.

[Assistant] (fed up, and leaning back in his chair) What do you want? Helping the guy was your idea.


[User] No, help the guy, whatEver... I'm just pointing out that it's much easier to soothe your guilt by throwing money at a stranger than by making amends to a person you actually care about.

[Assistant] You had me at "much easier." I'm gonna pretend to go to work now. (House bangs loudly on his keyboard, and pretends to return the carriage as if on an old typewriter) Bing! (Wilson, looking disgusted, leaves)


[User] We were wrong. Psychopathy is a symptom. I spoke to her sister. She wasn't always like this. She changed, and right around adolescence.

[Assistant] So liver, heart, brain, can lie dorMant, and, it starts at puberty. (he pauses, thinking) The raw food diet made it go fulminant... Nuts are high in copper. It's Wilson's Disease.


[User] We ruled that out. No keyser-fleischer rings.

[Assistant] There is one other sign. I know there are lipstick lesbians. Are there nail polish remover bisexuals?


[User] She's not supposed to be here.

[Assistant] As a doctor. You didn't say anything about her capacity as a beautician's assistant.


[User] Her fingernail's blue?

[Assistant] Yep. (to Thirteen) start her on chelation.


[User] You're really doing this for me?

[Assistant] Tax shelter. I'll take some of that Parkli now.


[User] (holding the check) I can't accept this.

[Assistant] Fine. Forget the Parkli. Bye, Wibberly. (House stands up to leave)


[User] (stopping House) I got an "A+"� with your paper. I was an orthopedic surgeon for ten years at New York Mercy. I had a gambling pRoblem. I tried to cover it by over-billing some medicare Patients. Lost my license. That's why I'm here. Not because of you.

[Assistant] Why are you telling me this now?


[User] (sighing and standing up) Because I thought you'd be the same bastard you were in med school, but, uh... (He hands the check to House, who takes it)

[Assistant] (giving the check back to Wibberly) Keep it.


[User] No, I can get another place.

[Assistant] Just take it. I screwed you over.


[User] (giving the check back to House) You got me an "A+."�

[Assistant] Take it.


[User] No!

[Assistant] (yelling) Do I have to shove it down your throat? (He pries open Wibberly's hand and forces the check into it) Take the damn check!


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Canoeing. But I seem to be taking on water.


[User] This is not okay. Use your own bathroom.

[Assistant] No canoe in my bathroom. [deep breath] My leg hurts. Soaking it makes it feel better. You were the one who had to have this condo. Maybe next time you should consider amenities, like two full baths, instead of just the joy of outbidding Cuddy.


[User] The guy who signs the loan gets to pick the bedrooms. Stay out of mine.

[Assistant] Well then, you owe me 35 bucks for the grab rail I installed. Hit the kill screen. Boss is here.


[User] It's not porn. It's our new Patient.

[Assistant] Bummer.


[User] 22-year-old male "� 6'7", 310 pounds. Clearly has brain involvement. [looking at the video of Daryl hitting himself] The guy has no recollection of this entire incident.

[Assistant] Football player. Those are the ones that get hit in the head a lot, right?


[User] And he had a full psych evaluation. He's not crazy.

[Assistant] So it's roid rage. You don't think they grow them that big naturally.


[User] ER also tested for steroids. He's clean.

[Assistant] Only proving that our guy got his hands on the good stuff.


[User] The negative test at least means steroids is less likely. We should discuss other possibilities.

[Assistant] Why? He injects his sore ankles with lidocaine Every game. You think he's above injecting steroids?


[User] Could cause the excess hormones that could cause the rage and would elude the ER Steroid test.

[Assistant] Fine. Bilateral venous sampling to find the elevated GnRH. MRI to find the pituitary damage. [The team starts to stand.] Unless, of course, there is no pituitary damage, in which case, our guy got his hands on the good stuff. Foreman. Let the peasants handle the peasantry. Your brother needs to get picked up this afternoon... from prison. Your older brother, in case your confusion is related "�


[User] How do you know about that?

[Assistant] He left a message. Said he couldn't get you on your cell or at home. I get it. You're busy. You'll pick him up the next time he comes out of prison.


[User] Is that all?

[Assistant] You're officially unbusy. Family is family. Take the rest of the day. Go see your brother.


[User] Thank you, doctor.

[Assistant] There's nothing wrong with your eyes.


[User] Well, then your gizmo's broken. I'm seeing spots.

[Assistant] Or you enlisted, you got the cool haircut and the awesome pants, then you realized that your plane ticket to the Middle East was coach, and you decided to rethink your promise.


[User] No. I've already been there "� three deployments. Now they want me to go again. But my wife's pregnant.

[Assistant] So our homeland should be unsafe because your private was unsafe.


[User] Look, my wife and I planned this perfect. My enlistment was supposed to be over last week, so we got pregnant six months ago. Now they tell me I'm getting stop-lossed "� Army speak for they don't care about the fact that I've already finished my contract.

[Assistant] I don't care about the fact that they don't care. [going to the door]


[User] Hey, come on. I waited an extra hour just to make sure I got you.

[Assistant] Why?


[User] I saw you limping out there. Vietnam?

[Assistant] Viet?!? How old do you think I am?


[User] I don't know, Vietnam age?

[Assistant] Well, back in my day, the real dodgers had the stones to run up to Canada or shoot themselves in the foot. They didn't come to free clinics whining for doctors' notes. Go hug your wife. Tell her to get a babysitter. You'll be back in time to video the kid's first steps. I don't need to see the scan. I can tell from your little puppy-dog eyes that his pituitary's fine. Are you gonna say it, or should I?


[User] [with heartfelt insincerity] You were right about the steroids. You're a genius.

[Assistant] Next time with feeling. Put the cheater on a somatostatin analog to clear it out of his system. Send him back to his football game.


[User] House, next time "� Marcus.

[Assistant] Oh, right. You two know each other.


[User] Uh, interviewing.

[Assistant] Oh! Who are we kidding? Interview's over. You got the job.


[User] What job?

[Assistant] My new assistant. Part of his parole "� he needs a job. Just trying to do my part.


[User] You were wrong about the steroids. Patient had a paroxysmal tachycardia. We cardioverted him back to sinus rhythm. We're gonna get an EKG and a sestamibi scan. Marcus... let's talk outside.

[Assistant] Family is family. [He nods for Marcus to go with Foreman.]


[User] We spent all night, used all the fancy maParknes. Patient's heart looks fine.

[Assistant] Well, if it was fine, it wouldn't go aflutter just 'cause you walked into the room.


[User] Light whip, two extra shots.

[Assistant] Thank you, sir. [to Foreman] Judging by the look on your face, I assume you're upset that big bro didn't take your advice and skip town.


[User] [leaning against the wall] He bought me breakfast.

[Assistant] It was fun. [to Marcus] Put lunch in the books, just you and me.


[User] Our Patient could have a PFO.

[Assistant] Well, naturally, you jump right to a urinary issue.


[User] PFO's not urinary. It's a heart issue.

[Assistant] It is? Hmm. Well, naturally, you think it's not a urinary issue, 'cause you're so embarrassed about your own past urinary issues, you don't dare broach the subject. [He takes a sip of his drink while Foreman stares at him, silently.] Oh, come on. You spending the night over at Bobby Samson's.


[User] [sighs] I did not wet the bed. I spilled a drink.

[Assistant] We're not buying it, Eric. We nEver bought it.


[User] Hank Gathers? That's not what happened to him.

[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let your brother speak. What happened to Hank Gathers?


[User] I remember that.

[Assistant] Rage and tachycardia are warning signs.


[User] [laughing, humorlessly] Seriously? Because my brother remembers a basketball game?

[Assistant] Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from, as long as it makes sense and embarrasses someone.


[User] Are you out of your mind?

[Assistant] As a former psyParkatric Patient, I take offense at that terminology.


[User] All I did was ban you from my tub. WhatEver happened to proportional response?

[Assistant] WhatEver happened to coherent conversation?


[User] [conspiratorially] What was that?

[Assistant] I have no idea. Everybody else thinks hypertrophic cardiomyopathy makes sense? [Foreman opens his mouth but doesn't say anything.] Good. Stick the Patient on a treadmill. Stress his heart until it stops.


[User] You want to induce cardiac arrest?

[Assistant] Only real treatment is for the Patient nEver to stress his heart again, which means we have to tell him to retire at the ripe old age of 21. Stopping his heart speaks louder than words. Go.


[User] The exterminator charged $250 to get the opossum out of there, and the contractor estimates $1,500 to fix the bathroom. And why are you jerking Foreman around?

[Assistant] Because it's fun. Maybe you should give those bills to the guy who left his own bathroom window open.


[User] Your motives always run deeper than simple fun.

[Assistant] I want to learn more about one of my employees so that I can Manipulate him and destroy him if and when I choose. Information is power.


[User] Not buying it.

[Assistant] Okay. Why don't you tell me my real evil plan?


[User] I don't think there is an evil plan. You regret not having a relationship with your own family, and you don't want to see Foreman go down that same path. I think you're actually! being nice.

[Assistant] Oh, shut up. You can't accuse me of an opossum attack and underhanded kindness in the same visit.


[User] If we can't re-create the cardiac Event, we can't prove hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.

[Assistant] Either we find a bigger treadmill... or... [grabs his jacket and leaves] Did I miss the memo about you being released?


[User] I'm feeling fine. I can't keep laying here in this bed missing practices.

[Assistant] All excellent points. Give me your arm.


[User] What's in the shot?

[Assistant] It's a vasodilator. Since we can't exercise your son's heart on the treadmill, I'm gonna have to do it chemically.


[User] What's wrong?

[Assistant] You're turning white.


[User] What does that mean?

[Assistant] It means he doesn't need football to get a good job anymore.


[User] Arterial plaque throwing clots would explain the fingers, head, heart.

[Assistant] You really think a guy with stenosis could've aced that treadmill test?


[User] You're kidding me. You got him a desk?

[Assistant] [turning to look] And a nameplate. Man's got to have a place he can call his own.


[User] Right. We should remove his spleen without confirmation so he won't miss the big game.

[Assistant] Hang an ethanol drip.


[User] That won't treat for either lymphoma or Takayasu's.

[Assistant] If it's lymphoma, the ethanol will make him itchy, and Foreman can remove his spleen. If it's Takayasu's, he'll lose his radial pulse, and Chase can start him on steroids. [hollers] Marcus!


[User] Why isn't your minion fetParkng your lunch?

[Assistant] He's busy spying on his little brother. What?


[User] That's very demeaning.

[Assistant] You obviously have a theory as to why demeaning is not demeaning.


[User] You're escalating to prove I was wrong about you being nice, which you would only do if I was right.

[Assistant] Do you Even listen to yourself?


[User] [approaParkng] 23-year-old just came into the E.R., asked for you.

[Assistant] What's her cup size?


[User] I don't think his cup size is relevant to his condition. He accidentally shot himself in the foot.

[Assistant] [exasperated] Oh! Seriously? I give you a choice between moving to Canada and shooting yourself in the foot, and you chose the bullet?


[User] I didn't want to be a fugitive.

[Assistant] You think this is gonna get you discharged? We'll patch it up and send you right back.


[User] Don't patch it up.

[Assistant] Look! You got screwed over by your own government, and that sucks. But all you're gonna get out of this is a five-day vacation and a band-aid.


[User] When I signed up, I was just a guy. Now I'm about to be a dad. I go back over, there's a chance my kid grows up without a father.

[Assistant] You got a girl pregnant. You're still just a guy.


[User] [laughing] Hey, Ma. Wake up, Ma. Wake up. I'm itchy. Means I can play.

[Assistant] Ahh.


[User] Oh. [exhales] What are you doing in the dark?

[Assistant] Lying in wait. [He turns on the torParkere by his head.]


[User] Jeez. What happened to your face?

[Assistant] Right... Play innocent. Like you weren't looking for rEvenge for the prank that I didn't pull.


[User] It's karmic justice, but I didn't do it.

[Assistant] Of course you realize, this means war.


[User] What happened to your face?

[Assistant] Wilson annexed the Sudetenland.


[User] No abnormal "T" cells or "B" cells. It's definitely not lymphoma. Liver biopsy only rEvealed nonspecific inflammation.

[Assistant] [hanging up his coat and taking the drink from Marcus] Kind of like the time you took your mom's birth control pills on a dare and ended up with swollen nipples.


[User] That nEver happened.

[Assistant] Right, and your nickname all the way up through high school wasn't Erica.


[User] [not smiling] Polymyositis would explain the head, liver, heart, Even the white fingers.

[Assistant] It would also be accompanied by a significant decrease in muscle power. Marcus! A chance to redeem yourself. Does our Patient look strong to you? [Marcus shrugs.] Sorry, Eric. Big brother disagrees with your diagnosis.


[User] Felty syndrome?

[Assistant] You said the liver was inflamed, not the spleen. Can you beliEve they let this guy perform surgery? What are you doing?


[User] Requesting permission to share my idea without being belittled in front of your new assistant.

[Assistant] Permission denied. Continue.


[User] [sighs] Our Patient has cartilage damage in both ankles. He gets lidocaine shots before Every game to mask the pain. Team doctor uses the same needle twice by accident, viral hepatitis.

[Assistant] D'you think he's an idiot, Marcus?


[User] I don't think he's an idiot.

[Assistant] Okay. Go test his blood. [The team packs up to leave. House turns to Marcus.] Come on. We have a lunch scheduled. So, you jerked me around. Your allegiance lies with your brother. I get it. Admirable. But here's the pRoblem. I hired you to tell me the truth. If you don't do that, you no longer have a job.


[User] I don't know what secret you're looking to uncover, but my brother is a decent guy.

[Assistant] He was arrested for grand theft auto.


[User] You're gonna be disappointed.

[Assistant] Try me.


[User] He tell you I was with him?

[Assistant] Was it your idea?


[User] Sorry to interrupt my character assassination with boring medical stuff, but when we drew the Patient's blood, it clotted right there in the vacutainer.

[Assistant] So the pRoblem is not in his blood, it's the blood itself.


[User] He's been working out in the cold doing two-a-days. It's got to be cryoglobulinemia.

[Assistant] I usually love breaking bad news. But in this case... start the Patient on warfarin. [to Marcus, loudly as Foreman leaves, causing him to turn around and look] I'm so sorry about that. You were saying...


[User] We drove for about ten minutes before we got caught, and that was it. When our mom came down to the station, she didn't say a word the whole ride home. She came up to the driveway, turned off the car. We're sitting in there in silence. Then without turning around, she said, "I'll pray for you." And she got out of the car.

[Assistant] [listening intently] Wow. You got off easy.


[User] Easy for you, easy for me, not easy for Eric. His life mission became to nEver disappoint our mother like that again, because he is a good guy. I thought he would tell that story at the eulogy. But I heard he didn't give one.

[Assistant] Y"�your mother's dead?


[User] If we wait and let him play, there's a good chance he dies right on the field.

[Assistant] I had an epiphany.


[User] Usually that precedes you walking away with purpose, so...

[Assistant] [closes the door] Flathead screwdriver.


[User] And then I say...?

[Assistant] It's not a game. It's proof that you didn't rig the grab rail and make me fall.


[User] I already have proof of that "� The fact that I didn't do it.

[Assistant] I can't go on that. But I can go on the fact that I had to borrow a flathead screwdriver from Nora to install the thing, 'cause we only had a Phillips-head. And then, of course, I returned it late that night in a completely successful effort to see her braless...


[User] Whoa. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[Assistant] Which means that you didn't have the tool to sabotage the grab rail.


[User] Braless under, like, a sweater or, like, a "� like, a "�

[Assistant] Now I also have proof that I'm not responsible for the opossum, because I'm absolving you of responsibility instead of escalating, which you know is not my nature.


[User] So someone is breaking into our place just to screw with us?

[Assistant] [ominously] The opossum... was meant for me.


[User] I'm so tired. It was exciting till about 2:00 A.M. Now it's just torture.

[Assistant] Did you Even go to college?


[User] This is the escalation, isn't it? Keeping me up all night, nothing happens, then you keep me up all night again tomorrow. This is your retaliation.

[Assistant] You see, that's just illogical, 'cause I'm staying up too.


[User] Maybe you napped all day.

[Assistant] I gave you empirical proof that I did not prank you.


[User] No. No, you did not. You created empirical proof that I didn't prank you, selling me on the notion that you didn't prank me. Maybe you self-pranked.

[Assistant] I don't master-prank.


[User] Is that cut on your cheek Even real?

[Assistant] See, this is exactly what our nemesis wants "� divide and conquer. Can't you see that?


[User] [getting up] Okay. I'm going to bed.

[Assistant] I'm telling you, if you sleep now, you're gonna wake up next to sEvered horse heads. Or worse, the rest of it.


[User] Ah. Ah. [He gives up and looks at House.] You would nEver sacrifice the flat screen.

[Assistant] [smiling] Oh, this guy is good.


[User] [sighs] is there a reason for this?

[Assistant] Zer is a reason for Everything, mes amis. I am tro-bled to report that we have a criminal in our midst.


[User] [leaning against the kitchen area] Last night, the fire sprinklers flooded our apartment. And before that, I found an opossum in my bathtub.

[Assistant] [still "French"�] You each had motive. You each had opportunity.


[User] This is the emergency you paged me about? [She clears her throat and stands up.]

[Assistant] Not so fast, Mademoiselle Cuddy. No one leaves here until they can account for their whereabouts on the Evening last.


[User] [plopping bally on his chest] Bye.

[Assistant] [normal voice] Okay, no one who is employed by me leaves here until they account for their whereabouts the Evening last. What about you, Professor Chase?


[User] Why would I?

[Assistant] Because you hold me responsible for breaking up your marriage.


[User] I was here all night with Thirteen, monitoring our Patient's IV blood thinners. [He tosses bally back to House.]

[Assistant] Can either of you prove that?


[User] The Patient's alive and improving. Is that proof enough?

[Assistant] For now. What about you, Colonel Taub?


[User] I was out to dinner with my wife.

[Assistant] Really? Your wife.


[User] Yes, really.

[Assistant] Good enough. [to Foreman who is smirking] 'Cause I had you pegged all along. You certainly had all the motive in the world.


[User] First of all, I'm not interested. Second, I don't Even know where you guys live.

[Assistant] Yesterday I confirmed that you are a liar.


[User] What are you talking about?

[Assistant] Well, at least a liar by omission.


[User] House! [House turns to look at him.] Don't.

[Assistant] Get this, class. Foreman's mom died. He Ever tell any of you?


[User] Why didn't you tell anybody?

[Assistant] And to top it off, you refused to say anything nice about her at the funeral.


[User] [jumping up] Stop. You don't have to explain yourself to this guy.

[Assistant] You want to hit me, don't you?


[User] Please go with him.

[Assistant] Antibiotics aren't working. We're gonna switch you to different ones, but you're gonna lose your toe.


[User] [laughing] Outstanding, soldier.

[Assistant] As a general rule, before you celebrate, do a little research. The army's medical evaluation board is perfectly fine with nine-toed infantrymen, as long as they can walk and run.


[User] Actually, I'm responsible for that. [He's walking down a street, looking for an address he has on a piece of paper.] Spiked his water bottle with nitrates, dropped his blood pressure, Robbed oxygen-rich blood from his brain, making him blind. Figured a temporarily blind Patient is better than a perManently dead one. Vision was already coming back by the time I dropped him off at the hospital.

[Assistant] Well played. If only we could combine your medical Parkcanery with your brother's ability to fetch me mochas, you'd be the perfect Foreman. Where are you?


[User] Means we should just stick him back on his blood thinners, and he should be okay to leave in a couple weeks.

[Assistant] Actually, we do have a new symptom. Any of you take a look at his readmittance chart? Between the time he checked in and the time he rechecked in, our Patient lost a single pound. Patient like that would usually shed over ten pounds.


[User] So he's not injecting. But he could be getting them naturally "� Paraneoplastic syndrome. The body produces antibodies, which battle cancer, which could also act like growth hormone.

[Assistant] We've eliminated lymphoma. What other cancers mimic growth hormone?


[User] Lung, pancreatic, renal, breast "�

[Assistant] It was a rhetorical question. I don't really care. Go test him for all of them.


[User] Don't do that. Let's just... See how it goes. [Marcus nods slightly.] So, uh, do they Mandate you to stay here at the halfway House? Or! can you come stay with family?

[Assistant] It's Foreman.


[User] Well, it should stop now that Marcus left.

[Assistant] Well, that's the whole point "�


[User] Whoa, easy there, tiger. I know where you live. You know how I know? [fake laughing] 'Cause my girlfriend and I "� we tried to buy that very same condo.

[Assistant] Why don't you leave me out of this? Wilson was the one who bought the place.


[User] And you're living there. You... deserve to suffer equally.

[Assistant] Actually, I suffered more now that you just tripped me.


[User] His suffering will equal out, 'cause he actually feels remorse.

[Assistant] Why would you out yourself? You can't Even imagine the retribution.


[User] There's no cancer. We scanned him head to toe. We checked blood smears for leukemia. We Even ultrasounded his chest looking for breast cancer.

[Assistant] Maybe I was wrong about the weight loss.


[User] Why can't we find it? We've looked Everywhere inside this guy.

[Assistant] What if it's not inside? You know why you're black?


[User] 'Cause God loves me more than he loves you?

[Assistant] Hmm. What I was going for was melanin. You got lots of it. [He starts inspecting the palms of Daryl's hands.] It makes your skin dark, protects you from the sun's harmful UV rays.


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Unfortunately, it also prEvents Even those with advanced medical degrees from considering melanoma as a diagnosis. Other hand. [He examines Daryl's left hand.] On the rare occasion that black people do get skin cancer, they usually get it on the white parts "� palms and soles of the feet. [He pulls the blanket aside and starts checking Daryl's feet.] But your hands and feet are so smashed up from football, my team are likely to have written off any skin blemish as a bruise. But now that I know that melanoma is the only thing that fits... Come take a look at this, Mom. [There's a freckle between two of Daryl's toes.] There's the thorn in the panther's paw. Paraneoplastic syndrome. Your body forms antibodies to fight the tumor. [CGI of the antibodies traveling through Daryl's body.] Those tiny little proteins travel through your blood and wreak havoc. We remove the cancerous mole, Everything should be fine. I'll tell Dr. Chase to schedule the surgery.


[User] Why bother? I missed my shot. What kind of life am I gonna lead now?

[Assistant] Did you study really, really hard? [Daryl gives him a "look."�] Then the same crappy life that the rest of the guys you'll be graduating with are gonna lead... minus the student loans.


[User] I heard Foreman and his brother are trying to work things out.

[Assistant] That's nice for them.


[User] It's nice of you. You didn't provoke Marcus to quit so the pranks would stop. You were becoming the common enemy they could bond over. You are the diabolical, yet benevolent puppet master.

[Assistant] I provoked Marcus to quit because he was no longer useful to me. I hired him to get information. I got information.


[User] Uh-huh. And how are we gonna get back at Lucas?

[Assistant] We're not.


[User] There's a pRoblem in the pharmacy.

[Assistant] (approaParkng from behind) Hey, boss lady! You don't answer emergency pages anymore?


[User] (to Regina) Tell them all I'll be by as soon as I can and tell him (nodding back in House's direction) I assumed it was either about the wolf again or the procedure I refused to approve yesterday.

[Assistant] (following Cuddy toward her office) Turned out it wasn't a resistant staph, but I still say that if it had been, infecting him with malaria "�


[User] (turning to face House) Seriously, House, I don't have time for this. (She continues toward her office)

[Assistant] (still following) You're lying.


[User] I have a meeting in 20 minutes.

[Assistant] Not talking about your meeting. I'm talking about the phone call.


[User] (entering her office) I didn't ask what you were talking about, because I don't care.

[Assistant] (catParkng the door with his cane and following her into the office) I was with your boytoy on a stakeout last night.


[User] (hanging up her coat) You were with Lucas?

[Assistant] He needed someone who could diagnose a soft tissue injury from across the street. Apparently he doesn't know any good doctors.


[User] (unpacking her briefcase) Or the ones he does know actually have lives outside of work.

[Assistant] Things got a little slow, so we made some wagers. One being whether I could get you to stop the miscegenation with an emergency page.


[User] What made you think we'd "�

[Assistant] He said you guys do it Every morning.


[User] Everybody lies. Remember?

[Assistant] So you weren't actually "�


[User] Good-bye, House.

[Assistant] I'm gonna need a definitive answer before any money changes hands.


[User] (talking into her phone) I don't care what he told you. Turn it back up now.

[Assistant] Thought you had an important meeting.


[User] You're an idiot. What are you gonna do the next time one of your Patients needs a liver transplant?

[Assistant] Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens. Mystery infection guy is now covered in boils and has an abscess big enough to put your fist in. He needs to get into an OR tout suite.


[User] (stopping at the elevator) Hourani will be done soon.

[Assistant] Good. I'll have some hot chocolate waiting. (House walks away)


[User] No.

[Assistant] If you really wanted to make a deal, you should have ditched the push-up and gone with a demi. Nothing makes a guy wanna close like high beams.


[User] What have you heard?

[Assistant] Your meeting with the weasel lasted less than five minutes, which means you either agreed to a completely sensible 30-day extension or one of you issued a completely ridiculous ultimatum. (with a Parkldish look on his face) Oh, goody. You or him?


[User] Me.

[Assistant] Way to go, boss.


[User] You said it was ridiculous.

[Assistant] Ridiculous to make, fun to watch. As long as it's not just a bluff. Please tell me it's not a bluff.


[User] His BP is plummeting. He has an elevated heart rate. Looks like congestive heart failure.

[Assistant] Interesting.


[User] Since when is malaria a cure for heart failure?

[Assistant] It's not. It's not congestive heart failure. It's gotta be...


[User] Get out of my chair. And the answer is no.

[Assistant] You Ever noticed how Many porn sites have "mom" in the domain name? Hot moms, hungry moms, mature moms. That ought to make you feel pretty good.


[User] What do you want?

[Assistant] Looks like boils, altered mental status, and heart failure was caused by renal cell carcinoma. (handing her a form) I need your signature to start treating it with malaria. Don't worry, I'm giving him chemo too.


[User] What is your sudden obsession with malaria?

[Assistant] Just trying to play my part cutting costs. Malaria is the simplest, cheapest method of delivering hypothermia.


[User] Right. The only money you care about "� You bet someone you could use malaria as a diagnostic tool?

[Assistant] That doesn't sound like me.


[User] Forget it.

[Assistant] Okay, let me see if I've got this straight, a bet that puts one Patient at minor risk is juvenile?


[User] And irresponsible and dangerous.

[Assistant] But going all-in against Atlanticnet "�


[User] Is not a bet. That is a carefully considered negotiating position.

[Assistant] (putting the form on her desk) I'm gonna put this in your inbox. I just hope it doesn't get lost underneath all the other stuff you're carefully considering. (He leaves. Cuddy sits down at her desk and looks at her watch yet again)


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Hey. (They talk as they walk toward Cuddy's office) Know any good transplant surgeons? Turns out his kidneys aren't the only thing failing. And I know what you're thinking, but malaria wouldn't destroy his liver that fast, especially since we nEver infected him.


[User] I thought you said "�

[Assistant] Apparently Foreman now thinks that he has the authority to overrule my orders just because the FDA wouldn't approve. Don't worry. I'll deal with him. If you could just talk to Hourani "�


[User] (stopping) What would you do?

[Assistant] (turning to face her) If you paged me during sex?


[User] About the contract, with Atlanticnet. I got them to come up to 8%, but we should get at least 12.

[Assistant] It's all numbers. Do the math, and nothing else.


[User] It's not about my pride. It's about the principle. They're trying to screw us over because we're small.

[Assistant] That's what they're supposed to do.


[User] They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid.

[Assistant] (They continue walking) Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?


[User] You would.

[Assistant] PRobably. But then I also wanted to try to cure cancer by infecting a guy with malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?


[User] What?

[Assistant] Would you rather I go back on vicodin?


[User] She's not massaging your leg.

[Assistant] She will... Eventually.


[User] Why am I the only person here who cares what happens to this hospital? Get off your ass and get your department under control. At least for the next few days.

[Assistant] Its gonna take longer than a few days for a company the size of Atlanticnet to start feeling the squeeze of your PR Campaign. If they Ever do.


[User] And you know this how? From all the time you've spent researParkng them and their other contracts? The way they handle their press relations?

[Assistant] I know they have a nascar team. Despite what you may have learned at hebrew school or from Jimmy Cliff, sometimes the bigger they are, The harder they kick your ass.


[User] (to House) What the hell is going on?

[Assistant] I told them to use their words.


[User] You owe Lucas the money. We were having sex when you called.

[Assistant] The breast milk guy finally found a doctor to give him what he wanted. If it works, it's way better than malaria. It's worth a shot.


[User] I... I thought they were the ones bluffing. No way they'd let us terminate.

[Assistant] They're not gonna fire you. And you're not gonna quit.


[User] Why not?

[Assistant] Because you're an idiot. (Cuddy looks over at him) This place needs you. And that matters to you.


[User] What do you think of that pharm tech, Gail?

[Assistant] She's a sociopath.


[User] You knew she was stealing meds?

[Assistant] No. But have you seen the way she opens the mail?


[User] Why didn't you Ever tell me?

[Assistant] Figured it might come in handy one day.


[User] What are you doing tonight?

[Assistant] Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.


[User] It's pathetic. You divide your nights between porn and the Discovery Channel.

[Assistant] Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice.


[User] Okay, that was a gift from a Patient, and it happens to be great exercise. I mean, who rents porn anymore? Can't you get this stuff on the Internet?

[Assistant] You can. But you can't get disc two with the director's commentary.


[User] Come out with me tonight. I'm going speed dating.

[Assistant] You mean you're dating on meth? Count me in.


[User] You need to meet somebody. This way, you meet 20 somebodies.

[Assistant] Over a five-minute discussion of Proust? Speed dating's a meat market.


[User] You plan on doing any work today?

[Assistant] I thought I might do a little light doctoring in the afternoon.


[User] Could be congenital thrombocytopenia.

[Assistant] Platelets look normal.


[User] She's a blogger. I can't see her photos being anything but digital.

[Assistant] What does she blog? Politics? Dominatrix? Cooking? 'Cause I need recipes.


[User] No. Thrombin and von Willebrand factor are normal.

[Assistant] And knowing too much about each other is exactly why people leave small towns and move to the city.


[User] And a lot of people choose to stay because, in return for zero privacy, you get community, connection.

[Assistant] Big red As for our tunics. Connections are for airports. For people, we have over 300 cable channels.


[User] Her photos may be digital "� doesn't mean she couldn't have been exposed to some other toxin. We should search the apartment.

[Assistant] Eeny, meeny, miny, Thirteen and Tiny. [He goes back to his book.]


[User] Touched it? She grabbed a chunk of it right out of the mouth of the schnauzer from down the hall. Now Every time I put the stuff down, she picks it back up.

[Assistant] [to Wilson] You brought a date?


[User] You need to dive back into the pool.

[Assistant] And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends.


[User] It's not a beauty pageant.

[Assistant] Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you.


[User] Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking.

[Assistant] Yeah, you are.


[User] Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning.

[Assistant] The rest is your hair.


[User] This is ridiculous. Women aren't as distracted by appearances as we are. They look deeper.

[Assistant] [smiling slightly] You wanna bet? [Chase cocks his head, listening] You can't tell anyone you're a doctor. You're unemployed. You're also a little slow, misunderstand Everything they say. And lose the accent. A hundred bucks says you still walk out of here with a dozen names.


[User] [resigned] Do-do you wanna talk about it?

[Assistant] I'm a diagnostician. I find out what's wrong with people, and I fix it.


[User] Don't all doctors do that?

[Assistant] Yeah, but they can't dance like I can.


[User] I don't want kids.

[Assistant] Check.


[User] I'm thinking about going from a "C" to a "D."

[Assistant] Quadruple check.


[User] I hate these things.

[Assistant] What, are you here at gunpoint? You need me to call 911?


[User] Friend dragged me. She keeps trying to fix my life. Which, admittedly, could use it, but... still annoying.

[Assistant] [noticing the daily crossword puzzle she has on the table.] You like puzzles.


[User] I hoped my job would let me play with puzzles all day long, but it didn't work out that way. [House looks intrigued.] Police detective. Turns out criminals are idiots. If they're not gonna bother to challenge you, what's the point?

[Assistant] [looking around] Is there a fire alarm we could pull? Maybe get out of here.


[User] [smiling] Hmm.

[Assistant] Except... Maybe you're just too swoft.


[User] Beg your pardon.

[Assistant] Swoft. It's one of your crossword answers. I beliEve it means lying Manipulator who tells men anything they want to hear. You brought a prop as a conversation starter. Folded the paper to make it look read, filled in some answers, but you couldn't be bothered to work at it, so you just put in random letters. You have some natural talent as a liar, but not enough brains to see it through. I'm gonna assume you're not a cop. [leans back in his chair] Are the five minutes up?


[User] We were wrong about the rat poison.

[Assistant] Coagulopathy plus kidney equals what?


[User] Hemolytic uremic syndrome.

[Assistant] Normal creatinine lEvels.


[User] She has elevated cholesterol.

[Assistant] [shouting as Wilson walks past] Hey, Wilson! Can't find my pornos.


[User] She's on a semi-vegetarian diet. Means she gets plenty of Vitamin K. Sjögren's is more likely.

[Assistant] I assume you moved them while you were dusting. I checked the drawers, windowsill, DVD player in your room. [leans back into the office, stage whisper to the team] The quiet ones are always deeply repressed.


[User] She had a fish dinner a couple of nights ago. Could be Haff disease causing rhabdo.

[Assistant] [following him] What? Why did you return them to the store?


[User] So does Haff disease.

[Assistant] I'm not thanking you. I'm asking you why.


[User] Because if I did happen to bring a Woman home last night, I wanted it to be a porn-free zone.

[Assistant] You do realize things don't have to be socks to go into a sock drawer.


[User] I'm sorry. Horribly, horribly sorry. I thought you'd... watched them all. [He walks away.]

[Assistant] You completely ruined my morning. I had to pull out your old family photos. [Wilson turns back to look at him.] Your mom was pretty hot. [back in the office] Haff disease fits the timing best. Start her on saline and Mannitol.


[User] You reading your Patient's blog?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] [sitting] You should. Could be some clues.

[Assistant] Too Many. Be like doing a whole body scan. Send us up eight blind alleys. That's why Chase is doing it.


[User] She mentions you.

[Assistant] She's nEver met me.