[User] We could repeat all the cultures, maybe we just missed it.

[Assistant] Or... we can get an accurate history. [Dials a number on his phone.] Well, that'll be a good solace to the widow X. That's why I sent two of you. One of you breaks in, the other posts bail. Not a pRoblem. You know how to kill dogs, right?


[User] So, back to repeating all the cultures.

[Assistant] Or... we get an accurate history.


[User] Didn't we just rule out that possibility?

[Assistant] You guys Ever heard any of my metaphors yet? Come on. [Sits down on the edge of the desk.] Sit on grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals, the immune system's the police... Seriously, grumpy, get up here. [Pats the desk beside him.] It'll make us both happy. [Brennan looks unsure of whether to go or not but stays put.] Anyway, cops don't just let crooks run free. They keep fingerprints, mug shots. The immune system does the same thing, only it calls them antibodies. We find out what diseases he's had in his life, good chance that'll tell us where he's been in his life. Alice. [Points to Kutner.] Your turn through the looking glass. Draw blood and CSF.


[User] Where were you?

[Assistant] What do you have?


[User] High titers to histoplasmosis.

[Assistant] PRobably lived in the Ohio river valley.


[User] Also weakly positive on coccidiomycosis.

[Assistant] Weak means older. Means he moved to Ohio from the San Joaquin valley.


[User] He's also positive for Chagas disease.

[Assistant] Central America.


[User] Or he kissed his maid from El Salvador. Or he sat next to someone from Belize on a flight to Weehawken or he ate lettuce from Honduras...

[Assistant] Yes! You're right, buzz kill. This tells us next to nothing. But since that's on the something side of nothing, thought we'd go with it.


[User] His rash is back. Hot tub isn't hot enough to keep his body warm.

[Assistant] So we take his body out of the picture. Let's hit it from the inside. Lipopolysaccharide.


[User] LPS won't just give him a fEver. He could hit 110, fry his brain.

[Assistant] Or make him just toasty enough to keep his blood flowing free. Like my bowels. You smell that? Not going to get sweeter.


[User] You nailed Brennan for seeing what he wanted to see. You're no different.

[Assistant] But you are. You used to like this stuff. You left here because you didn't like what you were turning into. You like who you are now? You like being Cuddy's errand boy? [Flushes as Foreman leaves.] That was just a courtesy flush. I'm not actually done.


[User] You want to induce a fEver?

[Assistant] Unless you're willing to don a white T-shirt and hop into the hot tub with him, I need another way to keep him warm, or he dies.


[User] You could maim him.

[Assistant] I could cure him.


[User] I'm not letting you do it.

[Assistant] Are you going to fire me?


[User] No. [House walks away.]

[Assistant] Wait a second. What the hell was that? You were won over by my soaring rhetoric? I basically just threatened to hold my breath... You nEver intended to stop me. You just pretended to stop me, so you could pretend to fail to stop me, so you could stroke my ego. Uh-Uh. War doesn't end till Foreman's gone.


[User] Foreman's not going anywhere.

[Assistant] And... I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills? [Leaves Cuddy looking worried.]


[User] Cardiac arrest. We were able to shock him back to a normal sinus rhythm and Kutner nearly into a coma.

[Assistant] So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a Patient on fire. I like the dedication.


[User] It wasn't a compliment.

[Assistant] Yeah, it was. The insult comes now. You're insane! You either have an aversion to towels, or you want pain. I think both. I'm thinking it goes back to high school gym...


[User] Anybody think we should discuss which infection is causing the cold agglutinins before they stop his heart again?

[Assistant] Sure, why not?


[User] Nothing on the blood cultures.

[Assistant] Do them again. Quadruple run time. [Everyone starts to get up.]


[User] Yeah, yeah... We biopsy his toe instead!

[Assistant] No! That's a terrible idea. Won't tell us anything. Biopsy his heart. Come on, I'll join you. I got you a job. Mount Zion hospital in Boston.


[User] They have a great diagnostics department.

[Assistant] Gilchrist said he'd take you anyway.


[User] That was... Very nice of you.

[Assistant] Oh, god. Does Everything have to be about you? It's simple math. I'm not going to back down. You're not going to back down. Cuddy's not going to back down. No one's going to be happy here. And Cuddy's going to end up pregnant. [Elevator dings.]


[User] What? [The exit the elevator.]

[Assistant] Doesn't matter.


[User] Are you saying? What does you having sex with...

[Assistant] Starts Monday. I could help you pack.


[User] I don't want the job. [House stops walking.]

[Assistant] What? Why not? You're miserable.


[User] Apparently not.

[Assistant] Well, you're gonna be. [Foreman smiles.] Are you smiling?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Do your own stupid biopsy.


[User] Here's Everything he had in his trunk and in his glove box.

[Assistant] [Looks inside the box.] No need for the heart biopsy. I now know exactly who he is and what he has. You saved his life.


[User] Really?

[Assistant] No, you idiot. It's vapour rub and lunch receipts.


[User] We have his name. We can find his doctor, get his medical records.

[Assistant] It's 8:00 at night. The biopsy will be faster. Not fast enough to save him, but that's hardly the point. [13 and Cole start to leave.] Thirteen. [They both turn around.] [To Cole.] Is your name Thirteen? [Cole leaves.] Why did you volunteer to go street walking? A black Mormon could help that way. There's no reason for you to want to be there. Which means there's a reason you didn't want to be here. Didn't want to look in the mirror? Hi. Cuddy called. She needs you to iron her shirts. We'll take over. [Pushes 13 forward.] Go ahead. [Motions for Foreman to leave. He does so. 13 moves close to the Patient while still putting her gloves on.] Talk to him. Come on. Make him feel comfortable.


[User] My god. You are incredibly hot.

[Assistant] I'm not here, deal with her. [13 smiles.]


[User] Are you an idiot? Do you not think she's hot?

[Assistant] I'm not the alpha here. She is. She's my boss. Increase the drip. If... you think that's the right thing to do.


[User] This is so frustrating.

[Assistant] Hey. Get in there, see how he's doing.


[User] You were just in there.

[Assistant] Well, apparently, it's impossible to see anything else while I'm in there. I'm a blinding white hot light of power.


[User] No. No, it's not.

[Assistant] No, I'm not interested in how he's doing. I'm interested in how she's doing. So get in there and tell me how he's doing.


[User] You think he'll mimic her if I'm in there with her?

[Assistant] You're a powerful, dominating Man, but who knows?


[User] So I'm going to get fired before her.

[Assistant] Yes, you're going to get fired right now unless you get in there... [13 walks out.] And how is he? I know. But how is he? Bitter? Sexually frustrated?


[User] He needs the meds and the tub. Just to keep him stable.

[Assistant] Fine. Soak him again.


[User] He'll be happy. Loves hot tubs.

[Assistant] No, you love hot tubs. Find the rest of the gang, tell them to meet me at the lecture hall.


[User] [Mumbles.] Hate hot tubs.

[Assistant] What did you say?


[User] I hate...

[Assistant] He likes. Who else was in there?


[User] No-one.

[Assistant] You didn't think to mention that?


[User] The guy likes warm, swirling water. I didn't know that was diagnostic.

[Assistant] It's not. What it is, is the water hit him and he had a thought. Not about you, but about him. We need to splash him some more.


[User] Do I know you?

[Assistant] You look familiar.


[User] You too.

[Assistant] My name's Robert Elliot. I'm from Hamilton, Ohio.


[User] Me too. What do you do?

[Assistant] Stuff.


[User] Me too.

[Assistant] What brings you to New Jersey? Is it work or vacation?


[User] Uh... Work.

[Assistant] What type of work?


[User] I'm tired.

[Assistant] I eat out a lot. In a lot of restaurants. [Opens the box starts pulling out receipts.] Knotty Pine. RitParkes.


[User] I know those places.

[Assistant] They're good, huh?


[User] They're convenient.

[Assistant] For what?


[User] They're on the road.

[Assistant] You on the road a lot?


[User] No more than you I suppose.

[Assistant] [Pulls out the vapour rub.] You Ever use this stuff? I use it all the time. [Smells it.]


[User] I use it all the time.

[Assistant] Yeah. I just said that. You know, the cool thing about this stuff is... You can do a lot with it. Soften your skin, treat scrapes. Naughty stuff. [House holds it out for the Patient. The Patient takes it and rubs some under his nose then breathes in deeply.] Why did you do that?


[User] Because... It doesn't smell like dung.

[Assistant] You're saying you like the smell?


[User] Not really. Just doesn't smell like dung.

[Assistant] Something else does smell like dung?


[User] Yeah. Dung.

[Assistant] You guys ready? Now is the time you stare at me, in slack-jawed amazement. He sells farm equipment. [They look surprised.] See? Pig lagoons, pig farms. [Takes off the jacket.] And, as Every Parkld knows, where you have pigs, you have pig poo. [Roughs up his hair.] But as very few Parkldren know, where you have pig poo, you have eperythrozoon infection. This time tomorrow, he'll be back to his old self. WhoEver that might be.


[User] Hi, I'm the Dean of Medicine.

[Assistant] Hi, I'm the guy who saved your life.


[User] I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't Even need a reason.

[Assistant] She doesn't fire me, she nEver will fire me, she needs me.


[User] He's a good doctor. That's all. I respect his expertise, and I...

[Assistant] She's hot for me. Always...


[User] That still could have been either of us. [Looks at House.]

[Assistant] You lose.


[User] Damn. [House continues celebrating.]

[Assistant] You all suck. The two of you, [Points to Cole and 13] took 14 hours to find a car. You, [Kutner.] forgot to mention that the guy with no memory, had memories. You [Brennan.] keep on thinking, that insane guys have hidden wisdom. You're going to wind up shooting people on the subway. [Looks at the other two.] Something.


[User] So, which one of us sucks the most?

[Assistant] It's a tie.


[User] Between?

[Assistant] All of you.


[User] We're all fired?

[Assistant] None of you are fired. [The numbers breathe a big sigh of relief. Everyone standing at the back leaves disappointed, except Chase who smiles.]


[User] That was nice of you.

[Assistant] Sure.


[User] Why didn't you fire anyone?

[Assistant] They're good doctors.


[User] Right, why didn't you let Brennan quit?

[Assistant] He's a good doctor.


[User] Right... By not letting anyone go, you made six people happy and one person happy and rich. Chase won Every one of those bets, so either you're just really nice or what's your cut?

[Assistant] 50%... How bad you want to keep your job?


[User] I'll keep my mouth shut

[Assistant] Hey.. You actually do want to stay, don't you?


[User] I think I do.

[Assistant] Every one of those idiots got some insight about themselves from the pig salesMan. Not one of them did anything about it. People don't learn, they don't change, but you did. You're a freak! [Foreman laughs.]


[User] [scared] Casey...

[Assistant] [uninterested] Ah, sixty-eight's a good run. That'll leave something in the lockbox for the rest of us. Next!


[User] That's your breakfast?

[Assistant] Technically, it's Wilson's lunch.


[User] Twenty-month-old baby, persistent rash, fEver...

[Assistant] [cuts her off] Too much crying.


[User] Female college student with...

[Assistant] [cuts him off] Too much drama.


[User] You don't care about the crying or the drama 'cause you won't see the Patient. And you'd treat Methuselah if his snot had an interesting color. It means you've already decided which case you wanna take next.

[Assistant] Tell me about Speed Racer.


[User] Female, seizure with visual and auditory processing deficiency. I did a consult and...

[Assistant] [interrupts] What kind of race car?


[User] Dragster.

[Assistant] [interested] Continue.


[User] You're gonna take a case based on the car she drives?

[Assistant] Nothing says "thanks for saving my life" like a test drive in a car that accelerates faster than a space shuttle.


[User] You can't save her life, 'cause she's not dying. Her lab shows signs of dehydration. Means the pRoblem's just likely... heatstroke.

[Assistant] Kinda hard to get heat-struck in four-and-a-half seconds.


[User] [walking towards them] Dr. House?

[Assistant] No, lazy ass called in sick again. We can give him a message.


[User] May we talk in private?

[Assistant] So... either it's heatstroke, in which case we take the afternoon off, or it's one of the diagnoses that you guys are gonna have for me in... two minutes. [to Foreman] You're in charge.


[User] Or she carries a weapon.

[Assistant] [yeah, right] You're with the CIA?


[User] One of our employees just returned from an assignment sick. We beliEve he may be the victim of an assassination attempt.

[Assistant] Sure. You wanna close the door?


[User] [confused] Door?

[Assistant] Well, I assume you're gonna drop trou at some point during the dance. I don't see why I should share.


[User] This isn't a joke. If you're willing to help us, we need to leave now.

[Assistant] If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they better be working their way through college. [to the Fellows] Okay, what do you got?


[User] None of those go away with IV fluids. It's heatstroke.

[Assistant] Or Cushing's or calcium deficiency.


[User] [re: Agent Smith] Who's your friend?

[Assistant] We use the term "life partner". Get a fresh history, neurological exam, and an MRI of her head. [following Smith out] Fifteen minutes for the lap dance, a half hour to scrub the guilt off my soul. [checks his watch] See you in forty-five.


[User] Dr. House, we need to hurry.

[Assistant] Yeah, we need to hurry. Little advice, I mean, obviously the Village People played out the whole cop thing. But, come on, CIA? Do you seriously expect anyone to beliEve that?


[User] You said you left your cell in your office.

[Assistant] I lied.


[User] [smiles wryly] I wasn't going to take it, just tell you to turn it off for takeoff.

[Assistant] I know... just wanted to see if you could tell that I was lying. Useful information. [into phone] Yeah?


[User] Where are you?

[Assistant] I'm on a top-secret mission for the CIA.


[User] Her deep tendon reflexes seemed a bit weak to me.

[Assistant] [from phone] Areflexia could mean Miller-Fisher.


[User] Yes, areflexia could mean Miller-Fisher, but since the reflex was weak, not absent, doesn't mean anything. I'm releasing her. You can go back to your poker game.

[Assistant] [into phone] Poker's illegal. CIA would nEver allow illegal activity...


[User] I wanna see House! Where is he?

[Assistant] [re: the hospital] Looks a lot better on '24'. [to Smith] I take that back.


[User] Dr. Samira Terzi. It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. House. We really appreciate the consult on such short notice.

[Assistant] There's nothing that gives me more pleasure than helping out a colleague.


[User] [holding out his hand] Dr. House.

[Assistant] "Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?


[User] [pleased] Oh, you've read it?

[Assistant] Nope! But it is keeping my piano lEvel. So... where is the poor, sick fella?


[User] I'm afraid there are going to be some limitations on his medical history. Just let me know what you need, and I should be able to provide it.

[Assistant] FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies.


[User] Well, what can you tell us?

[Assistant] Yeah, did Oswald really have sex with Marilyn Monroe?


[User] [shocked] Good Lord.

[Assistant] [to Curtis] Very professional.


[User] Five days ago, he was 185 pounds. Perfect health.

[Assistant] Cool.


[User] Says here he ate a lot of chestnuts.

[Assistant] Ho-o-old on a second. If the Squirrel Liberation Army's involved, I'm outta here. Those little rodents are...


[User] Horse chestnuts are poisonous. If someone switched them...

[Assistant] Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse's lower-than-chestnuts. Which makes the theory that he accidentally ate a couple of hundred slightly less persuasive. And seeing as how he was prowling the back alleys of... [guessing] Tehran?


[User] It wasn't Tehran. It was... [deadpan] Oops. You almost got me.

[Assistant] Unless we know the local environmental factors, poisonous flora...


[User] You know I can't tell you that.

[Assistant] [sits, miffed] Well, then, why are we here? You might as well just Google "poison".


[User] [shrugs in understanding] All they would tell me is [sits, softly] he spent the last elEven months in Bolivia.

[Assistant] Who you gonna kill in Bolivia? My old Housekeeper?


[User] We don't kill people.

[Assistant] I'm sorry. Who are you gonna marginalize? If it is my Housekeeper, she has it coming. Cleaning the windows means cleaning both sides. [loudly to Curtis] Am I right, or am I right?


[User] [irritated] What does it matter what he was doing? The guy's dying.

[Assistant] Not anymore. I know what's poisoning him. And who - John. It's just pancreatitis.


[User] And unless his pancreas is in his fingers...

[Assistant] Spies can't get fungal infections?


[User] And the burns on his skin?

[Assistant] Spies can't get sunburns? Bolivia doesn't have sun?


[User] The iodine's to protect your thyroid. Antibiotics are to handle infections. Should start working in a couple of hours.

[Assistant] We should celebrate. With a beer. Or eight.


[User] [hoarsely] I don't drink.

[Assistant] Oh... methinks he doth protest too much.


[User] He's deathly ill. Why would he lie about drinking?

[Assistant] Guilt over killing a Man. Make anyone hit the sauce.


[User] We don't kill people.

[Assistant] Right. You just lie to your friends and family, establish false identities, trick people into betraying their country. He'd nEver cover up his drinking. He's too honest. Hey. Something I've always wanted to know. That poison lipstick that Ginger used to kiss Gilligan. Why didn't that kill her?


[User] [impressed] Vitals stabilizing.

[Assistant] Tummy-ache's gone as well.


[User] ["told-you-so"] So the treatment's working.

[Assistant] [quietly to Terzi] Wanna ditch Dr. Killjoy and... hop in the company jet? Little trip down Mexico Way. And I'm not talking about the country or the plane.


[User] [softly] Do you think acting like an idiot and talking about sex works on girls?

[Assistant] Well, if it didn't, the huMan race would have died out long ago.


[User] You're pretty cheery for someone who was just proved wrong about his pancreatitis theory.

[Assistant] I'm appropriately cheery for someone who's being proved right.


[User] John hasn't vomited in six hours.

[Assistant] What's to vomit? [holding up a Parkcken leg] I'm eating his lunch. Withholding nutrients is the treatment for pancreatitis. That and the antibiotics you put him on. I did unhook your iodine, though. Didn't seem to fit with the whole "I'm-just-jerking-you-guys-around" gestalt.


[User] [pissed] You're unbelievable.

[Assistant] Well, let's ask John if he'd rather be sick honestly or cured dishonestly.


[User] John.

[Assistant] [sheepishly] Any chance he's just... overwhelmed with gratitude?


[User] He should be brought up on charges.

[Assistant] Okay, relax. I'll take your book out from under my piano.


[User] What was that for?!

[Assistant] Radiation sickness kills specific cells at specific times. His hair should be coming out in clumps before he's writhing in pain. Since it's not, I know who's trying to kill him. [looks upwards] God. It's blood cancer. Waldenstrom's.


[User] [quietly] Radiation can cause infections, which set off neuropathy... [stuttering as he thinks]

[Assistant] [interrupts] If you had any real evidence of foul play, you'd be torturing Bolivians instead of putting me into a state of anticipatory sexual arousal.


[User] Can we treat for both?

[Assistant] Bad idea. Unless you're the one who's trying to poison him.


[User] I don't have to trust him to agree with him.

[Assistant] You make a good point. I've been wrong Every time, and she still won't listen to you. So either she [chuckling] really likes me or she really hates you. And I got a ride in the jet.


[User] 120 over 80. Let 'er rip.

[Assistant] Now we got the medical stuff out of the way. Why don't we meet back at your place for some enhanced interrogation techniques? My safe word is, "help, please, please stop". It's two "pleases". Anything less than that, you keep going.


[User] We need to consult an oncologist about the chemo.

[Assistant] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought... you were still euphemizing. My valet knows a little oncology.


[User] [into phone] I was wondering when you'd grow bored of avoiding my calls.

[Assistant] [into phone] Oh, I can nEver grow bored of ignoring you. What's the latest protocol on Waldenstrom's?


[User] [into phone] Where are you?

[Assistant] [into phone] CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine...?


[User] [into phone] Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of Vicodin, or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which, because Chase has another pool going.

[Assistant] [into phone] They flew me in to help deal with a sick employee. How much...?


[User] [into phone] Hallucinations. Damn! I shouldn't have bet on the Viagra.

[Assistant] [into phone] Okay, call the Langley switchboard, ask for extension... [looks to Terzi]


[User] Thirty-five sEventy-eight.

[Assistant] [into phone] Three five sEven eight.


[User] He asked an awful lot of questions for a valet.

[Assistant] You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis. Wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke.


[User] You offering me a job?

[Assistant] I'd settle for that.


[User] As tempting as a position on your _staff_ is, I like it here.

[Assistant] Pays better. And we've only had one assassination attempt.


[User] And I'm sure you're a great boss. That's why your fellows left en masse a couple of months ago. [whispering seductively] I have satellite images.

[Assistant] [into phone] Inspector Gadget.


[User] [into phone] My God. You're actually at the CIA.

[Assistant] [into phone] You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but... [trails off] Waldenstrom's.


[User] [into phone] Recommended dose is twenty-five milligrams per meter squared. They do a background check on you?

[Assistant] [to Terzi] Twenty-five milligrams?


[User] [into phone] They did a background check on you, they did a background check on your friends.

[Assistant] [into phone] Relax. I'm sure they already know that you brought heroin back from Afghanistan.


[User] Because House nEver learns. You might.

[Assistant] How're you feeling?


[User] Like crap.

[Assistant] Yeah, cancer can be that way.


[User] That the chemo?

[Assistant] [quietly] No, it's too quick.


[User] So what does it mean?

[Assistant] [somberly] It means you don't have cancer. Someone actually did try to kill you.


[User] You're stubborn. You're arrogant!

[Assistant] There's no need to yell.


[User] You may have cost that Man his life!

[Assistant] He's getting the radiation treatment.


[User] Twenty-four hours too late!

[Assistant] I didn't yell at you when I thought you were wrong.


[User] [turning on her] There is no productive. It's too late. Because of your inexperience, your poor Judgement. And your failure to recognize a reckless fool!

[Assistant] Cordyceps sinensis. It's, uh, it's an herbal treatment derived from a parasitic fungus, comes from Caterpillars. Along with dimercaprol chelation, it's been shown to mitigate bone marrow damage from radiation poisoning. [beat] In monkeys.


[User] Tea?

[Assistant] It's a Parknese herb, which has been effective in...


[User] I'm dying, aren't I?

[Assistant] [beat] PRobably.


[User] [drawling] Nausea's... not as bad.

[Assistant] Radiation sickness has a latency period. You'll get better before you get worse.


[User] You wanna know what I really did down there?

[Assistant] Only if it's interesting.


[User] [smiling at the memory] The women there... during Carnival, they... they do this dance. They call it the Devil Dance.

[Assistant] Not interesting.


[User] I spent all forty days with this attach� to the Minister of Defense. The most... buttoned-down Woman you'd Ever meet. You know? 'Cept when she did this dance. She agreed to tell me stuff...

[Assistant] Okay, we have half a good story there.


[User] Karma.

[Assistant] Best way to rid yourself of that guilt is to confess your sins.


[User] This pain is... right. It's comforting. It makes me think that... somehow, it all makes sense.

[Assistant] What do you mean, forty days?


[User] When they found out... what she... told me.

[Assistant] Carnival in Bolivia's only eight days. [small beat] You have any idea what a chestnut looks like? You idiot.


[User] Who are you calling an idiot?

[Assistant] WhoEver knew that John was stationed in Brazil, not Bolivia.


[User] Brazil?

[Assistant] [turning to Smith] Well, then, I guess I'm talking to you, idiot.


[User] It's the same region. It's the same parasites, same diseases.

[Assistant] But not the same language. In Bolivia, chestnuts are chestnuts. Brazil, on the other hand, it's castanhas-do-Pará, literally, "chestnuts from Pará". Because it would be stupid for people from Brazil to call them Brazil nuts!


[User] So he ate Brazil nuts. Big deal.

[Assistant] No, he ate a lot of Brazil nuts. Which is a big deal, because they contain selenium. Which, in high doses, causes fatigue, vomiting, skin irritation, discharge from the fingernail beds, and hair loss. Any of that sounding familiar?


[User] Can you treat it?

[Assistant] We've already started. Treatment's chelation, same as for radiation sickness. The only difference is it works a lot better on nut poisoning.


[User] It's working. This is fantastic.

[Assistant] There's a lot you can learn in my fellowship. A few new procedures I could teach you. 'Course, we'd need a nurse to prep.


[User] I know how to kill a Man with my thumb.

[Assistant] Actually, I was just trying to make another euphemism for sex.


[User] Oh, God. How can you flirt with this idiot? He lied to us again and again. He broke laws, ethical codes...

[Assistant] I was right.


[User] I don't beliEve it. You're not gonna get Everything right. But you're nEver gonna get Everything wrong.

[Assistant] Morning!


[User] Uh, where have you been the last two days?

[Assistant] Overslept.


[User] She had polio. We cured it with Vitamin C.

[Assistant] Yeah. I cured depression with tonic water once. Actually, I think there was some gin in it too.


[User] So it's relapsing and remitting. Maybe... porphyria.

[Assistant] Nah, that's a stretch. If she had porphyria, you would have seen purple urine.


[User] You think it's more likely he cured polio?

[Assistant] They beliEve it. Her symptoms fit perfectly. And the alternative is unbelievably convoluted. Some doctor would have to poison her with thallium so it looks like polio, then fake a lab test, then give her Vitamin C and stop the poison so she magically gets better. [as if just realizing] Actually... [to Brennan] it is kinda doable, right? So what do you think? Should we test her for thallium before you contact Stockholm? The really shocking thing is that Foreman was right about the heatstroke.


[User] [persistent] Vitamin C cures polio. I've seen it.

[Assistant] Yeah. In some bush clinic. You needed polio in a place with a proper lab. The only pRoblem is that places with proper labs don't have polio.


[User] [to Foreman and House] And what do you care if I faked a lab test if it saves a few thousand lives? I did what I had to do. Isn't that what you hired us for?

[Assistant] [nods, sighs] Which is why I'm not gonna fire you. You're gonna quit. Go on, get outta here.


[User] So you're just gonna let him go?

[Assistant] Absolutely. I'm gonna let him get as far away as possible before you call the cops. Guy's a nut job. [to the fellows] Who the hell did I leave in charge?


[User] Foreman.

[Assistant] There was a reason for that. Next time, listen to him.


[User] Where have you been? And don't say the CIA.

[Assistant] Okay. By the way, one of my employees...


[User] Either you're gonna have to get someone from the CIA to call and confirm your story, or [smiling] you're doing eight clinic hours and Wilson is doing sixteen.

[Assistant] [seriously] I was in the Hamptons. I was helping some rich hedge-fund jerk treat his son's sniffles. Fascinating as that sounds.


[User] For your honesty, I will forgive _your_ hours.

[Assistant] Thank you.


[User] The only thing less likely than your helping the CIA is your helping some rich guy on Long Island. You're doing your hours and Wilson's.

[Assistant] I know how to kill a Man with my thumb.


[User] Hi.

[Assistant] Hi.


[User] I'm going to take you up on your offer.

[Assistant] Yeah? Well, I, uh, I live a couple miles from here.


[User] [giggles] That's not the offer I meant. I gave notice today.

[Assistant] You said you were happy at the Company.


[User] A teen-aged boy with a cranio-facial deformity was about to undergo a reconstructive procedure when he had an unexplained cardiac arrest.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] (whispers) Good?

[Assistant] (still staring intently) I mean... go on.


[User] We have the Patient on a pacing wire. It's the only thing keeping his heart going.

[Assistant] Yeah, we know. We're doctors.


[User] Until we are able to figure out exactly what is causing the heart block, the reconstructive surgery is on hold, obviously.

[Assistant] (incredulously) That's yourself? (grimaces) Fascinating case. (rises) I will see you again after I have saved his life. (takes the file from Cuddy) Have a warm bath waiting. You following me?


[User] Pretend we're not here.

[Assistant] If I do that, won't I bump into you?


[User] We'll stay out of your way.

[Assistant] (summoning patience) You know, it's a joke. (falsely sincere) See, I became a doctor because of the movie 'Patch Adams'.(considers) Uh, listen, do you want to get ahead of me, maybe back up, I don't know, low down, makes me look more powerful...


[User] (buying it) That's, that's perfect.

[Assistant] (oozing faux charm) Yeah. Also my eyes look better in... ...rooms with summer colors.


[User] You think I LIKE the cameras? (stalks across the room) You think I want the whole world watParkng you check out my ass and question my wardRobe?

[Assistant] (unrepentant) Would it be better if I checked out your wardRobe and questioned your ass?


[User] (behind her desk) A little part of me...

[Assistant] There is no little part of you.


[User] (persEvering) ...thought that maybe you would see what great PR this could be for the hospital, and not make ME force YOU to act like a huMan being.

[Assistant] You using force on me is... intriguing. (glances outside her office) On the other hand, cameras make people act. Sometimes like huMan beings, sometimes just weird, sometimes they wear open-tipped bras.


[User] It's cold in here.

[Assistant] Less obvious point is that I need my team (glances again at the crew)to be unafraid of the metaphorical fart.


[User] That production company is covering all the medical costs for this kid. So, either you let them continue filming... or the kid goes home with the same face.

[Assistant] Sorry about that. Private. (glares back at Cuddy) She waxes her mustache once a month... sometimes gets some pretty gnarly ingrown hairs.


[User] She's not competing. She was hand-picked by House. She's safe, like Foreman, so that takes three spots down to one.

[Assistant] Where's Foreman?


[User] He's in the bathroom.

[Assistant] Good. Come on, let's go for a walk. (with faux drama) Walks look good on camera. They give the illusion of the story moving forward. New Patient. Sixteen-year-old boy with second-degree... ...infranodal heart block, post-arrest.


[User] Any reports of light-headedness or syncope?

[Assistant] Certainly not light-headedness.


[User] Why did you hire her?

[Assistant] Not in front of the company.


[User] Are we going to be on TV?

[Assistant] I'm making a music video. Come on, move faster, more energy.


[User] (suspicious) Why are you glad Foreman's not here?

[Assistant] Because... he would object to what I'm about to do. (to the tech) Hey buddy! [The Patient raises his head curiously.] You stay in there. (points at the Patient)We'll be out here making sure he doesn't move again. (to the universe) Gah! FINALLY hear myself think. Our Patient has...


[User] Why did you hire her?

[Assistant] Because she has way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering. (references the file) Our Patient has a frontonasal encephalocele with a midline cleft. (raises a picture) Ew. Don't stare directly at it. (hands it to Thirteen) So, what caused Big Head's heart to stop?


[User] Simple. His big head. Increased intracranial pressure would cause heart block.

[Assistant] Wrong. Sixteen years they've been testing that insane noggin to death.


[User] (acquiring the pic) What about a congenital heart defect? He has a midline anomaly on his head, makes sense he'd have a midline anomaly in his heart too.

[Assistant] That sixteen years of testing didn't show?


[User] Why did you bring her in so late? It's not fair. The rest of us...

[Assistant] Hey hey! You want fair, you picked the wrong job. The wrong profession. (pauses to think) The wrong species. Forget the deformity. Treat the Patient like he's any other really, really ugly kid.


[User] House said assume he's normal. Dealers don't ask for ID and don't care what you look like.

[Assistant] Nice. You're right about the habit, you're wrong about the substance. (indiCates the pic) Blackened skin under the nose equals frostbite from huffing Freon. Freon's toxic, damages the heart.


[User] There's also discoloration on the cheeks and forehead.

[Assistant] Do a nuclear study. If I'm right, you'll see scarring of the heart.


[User] I'm not part of some game, am I? I gave up a career because I thought this was a firm offer.

[Assistant] Yes. This is a real offer. I think she might be an idiot.


[User] (working on the Ever-present paperwork) Who?

[Assistant] But she can't be an idiot. She's in the CIA, for God's sake.


[User] The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph.

[Assistant] She had good ideas in Langley.


[User] All your ideas.

[Assistant] She was able to identify that they were good ideas.


[User] Stab in the dark here. Is she pretty?

[Assistant] She's new. She's nervous.


[User] She's a 'C' cup.

[Assistant] She said one dumb thing in the differential. They ALL say dumb things in differentials.


[User] A 'D' cup? (beat) If she's no good, just fire her.

[Assistant] I can't! I just hired her. She left a career.


[User] It wasn't drugs.

[Assistant] Well, then give me something better. What's causing heart block?


[User] Could be toxoplasmosis. We should do an LP to test for infection.

[Assistant] If it was toxoplasmosis, we'd've seen enlarged lymphs. And because you're not pretty enough to be an idiot, you must know that already. Which means you just said it because you want to do an LP for intracranial pressure.


[User] Because it IS intracranial pressure.

[Assistant] Wait. I'm not done. You thought I wouldn't catch on, which means either you think I'M an idiot, which is flattering, doing my hair differently, or ...


[User] The kid's got headaches. He's been popping acetaminophen like peanuts...

[Assistant] (to Kutner) How could you POSSIBLY think that I was done? I prefaced that with an 'either'. It needs an 'or'. (to Taub) Or you ARE an idiot. Which is possible. I'm not great at judging men's looks.


[User] Just let me do a CT scan, see if I'm right. The sooner we fix the pRoblem, the sooner we can get to his reconstructive surgery.

[Assistant] Who cares if you're dead? It's how you look. Well, since you've given me nothing better, we're back to drugs.


[User] The one thing we're know it's not.

[Assistant] Decreased uptake on the membranous septum.


[User] Could be an artifact. We can redo it.

[Assistant] But nothing's nothing. Do an EP study.


[User] We need to intubate. (louder) I need some help in here!

[Assistant] Too bad you guys are going for a theatrical release. Vomiting blood would have made a great act-out. Likely causes?


[User] Mallory Weiss tear.

[Assistant] No pallor. No melena. (scornfully) Why are you wearing a tie?


[User] (earnestly) Nasal papilloma. Hemorrhage could have overwhelmed the heart.

[Assistant] Nice lipstick.


[User] Thank you.

[Assistant] Bad idea. The hemorrhage came after the block.


[User] House. Let them do their job.

[Assistant] Anybody here more interested in the medicine and a little less interested in the paparazzi?


[User] Upper GI bleed. Could be something he ate or drank. Maybe a peptic ulcer.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] Except no abdominal pain, the Patient hasn't lost his appetite, and the last I checked the gastrointestinal tract isn't connected to the heart.

[Assistant] Yeah. But other than that. Real good.


[User] Nasopharyngeal angiofibrosis.

[Assistant] I just said it wasn't a nasal tumor.


[User] Stomach cancer. Tumor causes bleeding, body's reaction to the tumor causes paraneoplastic syndrome which leads to heart block.

[Assistant] Finally! Someone who is NOT just a pretty face. You and Taub, run the 'scope, find the tumor.


[User] Ah... could be dangerous. If the bleeding was caused by liver failure as a result of the intracranial pressure....

[Assistant] Liver is the one organ you can't ascribe to intracranial pressure.


[User] No. Literally a witch hunt. Dr. House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. It's very caring.

[Assistant] Hey, hey, hey hey! [House puts his face into the shot. Very annoyed.] You have an all-access pass to the case, not my Fave Five. So go. Come on, come on - let's go! I think I'm going blind.


[User] Hairy palms, too?

[Assistant] She said something idiotic again and I didn't Even notice it. It took Foreman to point out that it was idiotic. She's making ME an idiot.


[User] That's cute. You have a crush.

[Assistant] No, I think it's something systemic.


[User] Thirteen's pretty. You're obviously okay with her.

[Assistant] She killed a Patient.


[User] The bitch is pretty.

[Assistant] The bitch is a bitch.


[User] Ask her out.

[Assistant] The bitch? She's a BITCH.


[User] Pretty girl kill again?

[Assistant] Nope, Elephant Boy just vomiting up blood again.


[User] Taub was right about the liver failure.

[Assistant] Yeah.


[User] His cranio-facial deformity is causing intracranial pressure which is cau...

[Assistant] Nope. Where are the nosebleeds? Where's the labored bleeding? You were right about me being wrong. You're wrong about you being right. (to the room) I need new ideas. Anybody. Does it bother you... ...that this kid's gonna die because you won't put down that camera? At all? You know?


[User] You people should be extra motivated. I'm sure they all want to look good in the film.

[Assistant] (sarcastically Patient) No. Now they're too worried about looking BAD.


[User] Heart block plus liver failure could mean auto-immune. Maybe scleroderma.

[Assistant] (out of the corner of his mouth) Foreman? Does that make sense?


[User] Liver failure plus heart block could be a mitochondrial disorder.

[Assistant] Hey. Say what she just said.


[User] (confused) Liver failure plus heart block could be a mitochondrial disorder?

[Assistant] Go look for signs of retinal degeneration.


[User] No. It's ICP. You're only going to see swelling.

[Assistant] Take him with you, so he can see the degeneration too.


[User] ... there's increased pressure in his brain.

[Assistant] Absolutely.


[User] So now we can reschedule the reconstruction.

[Assistant] Absolutely not.


[User] Your test proved you wrong. We found exactly what I predicted we'd find.

[Assistant] Swelling means there's increased pressure. You get a gold Star of David for proving that... ...yes, this kid has a big head and big heads cause pressure. Doesn't explain the liver.


[User] Too much acetaminophen does.

[Assistant] JRA explains all of it, including the liver. One theory's better than two. Treat with steroids.


[User] ...put off his surgery for months.

[Assistant] You really want to lose this argument in front of the camera?


[User] The father refused steroids until we're sure about the diagnosis.

[Assistant] I AM sure. (turns) It's JRA. And why would he Even doubt that, unless a FORMER fellow of mine was Parkrping in his ear.


[User] The decision was his. I merely voiced my concern.

[Assistant] Why did you take this job?


[User] He's got a bulging cyst...

[Assistant] You had a perfectly good plastic surgery practice... lots of money.


[User] ...fluids aren't draining properly...

[Assistant] The temptation to come screw with me just too much for you? There's got to be a better reason.


[User] He needs surgery.

[Assistant] Oh, and I think I mentioned this earlier - you're fired.


[User] Where are you going?

[Assistant] To do what I always do in these situations. Treat my Patient behind his back.


[User] That's one option.(beat) Or you can do a CT scan of the kid's head. If there's no mid-line shift, we know Taub's wrong and you get your consent to give the kid steroids.

[Assistant] Just a warning. If we have to start getting consent Every time we do a procedure, soon they'll be asking for INFORMED consent.


[User] Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

[Assistant] Uh... gosh. Uh... there's so Many things. Ah... is Dr. Taub available? Because he was very highly recommended....


[User] Well, he's no longer practicing with us, but I've taken over all his files, so if you tell me what needs work...

[Assistant] Do you know why he left?


[User] Well, he had... personal issues to deal with so if we could just....

[Assistant] Oh, my Goodness! Is he okay?


[User] Oh, yeah. He's fine.

[Assistant] 'cause... because my friend had his ears done by Dr. Taub. Should he worry that they may... pop back?


[User] (smiles gently) No. It wasn't a professional issue. I'm sorry, I really can't go into more detail. Shall we discuss YOUR needs?

[Assistant] You know that toe... next to the big toe? Mine's bigger than my big toe. Is there any way to shorten it? Or make my big toe bigger? Like a toe-gmentation? (inquiring) Did he lie, cheat, or steal? What gave me away? Was it my obviously perfect feet? Hi!


[User] CT shows...

[Assistant] Let's go!


[User] What are you two doing here?

[Assistant] Skipping three scenes. CT's back. (indiCates Taub) He's gonna say that there's evidence of an anomaly, I'm gonna say he's wrong, he's gonna go back to the father, and we'll all end up here.


[User] Defect is pushing on the right frontal lobe. This bend is a sign of herniation.

[Assistant] Or it's a sign of increased pressure from JRA. Dr. Taub would rather distract you from the truth... ... with sParkly things like four-carat diamonds.


[User] (half-pleading, half- warning) House.

[Assistant] Your partner said... ...that you left for personal reasons. But your wife said you lost a Patient.


[User] You son-of-a-bitch. You spoke to my wife?

[Assistant] See, that confused me. Why would you give her a diamond if you screwed somebody else over? If you screwed HER over, I mean that could... I....


[User] You say anything to her?

[Assistant] Just asked questions.


[User] I screwed around with a nurse. It became a deal. My partners found out... and I resigned. (quietly bitter) There. Happy?

[Assistant] If you could be a bit more descriptive, I'd be happier.


[User] Taub. I don't see it. Stay away from the family. (to House) House, start steroids and stay away from his family.

[Assistant] Wow! You are ugly.


[User] Wow. You're an ass. I have a deformity.

[Assistant] I know. That's why you're ugly. But you're a lucky boy. Anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth. Your son needs steroids. Dr. Cuddy agrees.


[User] Does Dr. Taub?

[Assistant] He's not a real doctor. He's a plastic surgeon. All he cares is that your son looks good in his COFFIN.


[User] So, I'm supposed to beliEve you. A doctor who cares.

[Assistant] You shouldn't care if I care.


[User] I don't trust you.

[Assistant] Because... I don't think the surgery's important. You're putting your trust in someone who DOES think the surgery's important. You're willing to take chances, to risk your son's life for something he doesn't need?


[User] We're gonna get caught.

[Assistant] But not on film. All their camera equipment's in here.


[User] Where'd you get those keys?

[Assistant] Blue the janitor.


[User] What?

[Assistant] That's his name.


[User] His name's LOU.

[Assistant] Owe him an apology. Just watch twenty minutes of this stuff, tell me if I'm out of my mind.


[User] (ONSCREEN) Dr. House. Heart block plus liver failure could mean autoimmune. Maybe scleroderma.

[Assistant] (ONSCREEN) Foreman, does that make sense?


[User] Can I see that again?

[Assistant] What did you miss? She screwed up, I didn't...


[User] (ONSCREEN) Upper GI bleed. Could be from something he ate or drank. Maybe a peptic ulcer.

[Assistant] (ONSCREEN) Good.


[User] You... thought... that was a good idea?

[Assistant] What am I going to do?


[User] (laughs) Just... enjoy.

[Assistant] I'm gonna to keep her around because she makes me an idiot?


[User] Well, you're protected. Foreman seems immune.

[Assistant] You think he's gay?


[User] Did he become an idiot around Chase?

[Assistant] (ONSCREEN) I just said it's not a nasal tumor...


[User] Wait a minute. Rewind that. Was that Thirteen? (grins, chuckles) Wow!

[Assistant] I can't beliEve I'm that guy.


[User] EveRY guy is that guy.

[Assistant] I'm not Every guy.


[User] What is this - seMantics here? Okay... ALL guys are that guy.

[Assistant] I'm not all guys. Cameron was smart.


[User] There's a masked lesion in the left anterior temporal lobe surrounded by edema.

[Assistant] Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?


[User] The defect is causing this nodular shadow here. You see?

[Assistant] You're right. I didn't see that before. [House looks down at Taub.] Come on. Let's go! Hey. I know you think you're feeling better... on account of feeling better, but this trusted family doctor thinks that he's found a masked lesion, so if you could lie back down and struggle to breathe....


[User] What? No comeback?

[Assistant] (to Taub) Look at that.


[User] What?

[Assistant] His little finger. It's twitParkng.


[User] No... it's not.

[Assistant] Just give it a second. There.


[User] And?

[Assistant] He's not better.


[User] What's wrong?

[Assistant] My diagnosis. I don't know what he has. Cancel the surgery. New symptom. Involuntary muscle movement.


[User] (disbelieving) TwitParkng finger is a symptom?

[Assistant] The body doing something it's not supposed to do is the DEFINITION of a symptom.


[User] Kid's about to have a life-changing operation. He's nervous.

[Assistant] Or he's not.


[User] Or you were right. Kid got better when we put him on steroids. This is JRA. And it's under control now.

[Assistant] Or the steroids have just tempered his condition. You get a haircut, and still got bad hair.


[User] It explains Everything - the heart issues, the internal bleeding, Even why he'd get better on steroids.

[Assistant] On the other hand, if he has Lyme Disease, there would be other subtle clues, like a huge, target-shaped rash. But thanks for playing.


[User] Rheumatic fEver doesn't explain liver failure.

[Assistant] Taub thinks that acetaminophen does.


[User] Fine. Let's test your theory. Remove his pacing wire. If he's better, his heart'll beat just fine on its own, and then he can have his operation.

[Assistant] If I'm right, his heart will stop. (beat) Kutner, keep the paddles on stand-by. Another chance to blow someone up.


[User] Are you SURE his heart is ready for this?

[Assistant] Absolutely. He's convinced he's sure. Whereas, I care about your son, and have therefore brought a professional defibrillist.


[User] Thank God.

[Assistant] What you do mean, 'Thank God'? (over his shoulder) God's the guy who gave it to him.


[User] There is now.

[Assistant] I have a new theory. Her bad ideas don't indiCate a lack of intelligence, they indiCate an open mind, the willingness not to be trapped by conventional....


[User] You've got a pRoblem.

[Assistant] Tell me something I don't know.


[User] ...force them to be around you because you don't know how to have an actual relationship. If they're qualified, keep them. If they're not, fire them... and ask them out.

[Assistant] You DO realize that 'tell me something I don't know' is just an expression.


[User] Thirteen...

[Assistant] You think that just because she's as beautiful ... ergo... ...you think that because she hasn't had a decent idea....


[User] You were right about the diagnosis.

[Assistant] Yes. It was JRA. I'm very proud.


[User] He's got Lyme Disease. It explains Everything.

[Assistant] Would you just hold up some fingers so I can see if I'm literally blind? We ruled out Lyme Disease HOURS ago.


[User] All the symptoms fit.

[Assistant] I am so ashamed. (to Wilson) She really that good looking?


[User] Apparently.

[Assistant] How Many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?


[User] No one Ever looked at him closely enough.

[Assistant] She's getting uglier by the second. We can try and pretend we're above it. We can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, and ugly, misshapen teenaged boys are repulsive.


[User] The question was... do you resent Dr. Cuddy's interference in your practice?

[Assistant] Oh. Well, then, I guess my answer wasn't very helpful, was it? Mini-stud. Stand up. I spoke to your other partner.


[User] After Cuddy told you...

[Assistant] No, I stayed away. Did it all over the phone. I asked for a reference, said you were applying for a plastic surgery job.


[User] Oh, God.

[Assistant] Yeah. (beat) He went nuts. Apparently you signed a non-compete. Now why would you agree to that?


[User] I don't want to practice plastic surgery.

[Assistant] You sign a contract because someone's making you, someone's getting something from you. (coldly) What did they give you in return?


[User] They agreed to keep their mouths shut.

[Assistant] So, you gave up your chosen career, just so they'd be quiet.


[User] I love my wife.

[Assistant] You risked this job. With nothing to fall back on.


[User] I thought you were wrong.

[Assistant] Sit back down.


[User] You're keeping him because he's a philanderer? Where do I sign up?

[Assistant] (reprovingly) Ask the Mormon. (explaining) I'm keeping him because he's interesting. (briskly) Dr. Terzi, would you please stand up? Nice. [House frankly admires her.]I have treated you unfairly. [House walks over to her.] PreJudged you. And for me to be a better person, I have to rectify that situation. (bluntly) You're fired. You... wanna grab some dinner? Maybe a movie? Seriously.


[User] (ONSCREEN) Just days ago, with Kenny's condition worsening, it was Dr. Gregory House, reassuring Kenny and his father.

[Assistant] (ONSCREEN) I care about your son.


[User] (ONSCREEN) The charming House, who happens to be a film buff with a soft spot in his heart for Parkldren, tells us how he got his start.

[Assistant] (ONSCREEN) See, I became a doctor because of the movie 'Patch Adams'.


[User] (ONSCREEN) Determined to save the boy's life, as well as keeping...

[Assistant] The horror.


[User] Well, it's nice of them to send us an early copy.

[Assistant] Not so much sent... as stolen.


[User] (ONSCREEN) In the end, it was Dr. Gregory House who served as not only a doctor, but a rock for Kenny and his father.

[Assistant] (ONSCREEN) ...You're putting your trust in somebody who DOES think the surgery's important.


[User] (ONSCREEN) House, one of those rare doctors who wears his heart on his sleEve...

[Assistant] God! I was saying that was a STUPID thing to do.


[User] It's difficult not to be moved.

[Assistant] Oh, stop it! Suddenly, I don't feel I can trust Michael Moore movies.


[User] Where you going? Kittens to get out of trees? Deaf kids to read to?

[Assistant] I owe it to the world to make sure this EVIL nEver sees the light of day.


[User] [Points at Kutner.] Get up here! [Kutner runs up to the stage, Everyone hurries to get the tank open.]

[Assistant] Aww. [Gets off the scooter.] Five eager doctors and no sick people. Let us try and fill our spare time with a new challenge. The winner gets immunity...


[User] I have a sick guy. I saw this magician last night...

[Assistant] The girl's fine. He didn't really cut her in half.


[User] His heart stopped while he was hanging upside down in the water tank.

[Assistant] A drowning Man's heart stopped, that is a mystery. Along with immunity, the winner gets to nominate two...


[User] He lost consciousness almost as soon as he hit the water.

[Assistant] You have to leave work at 6:00 pm, but you make time for Man dates?


[User] Are we not allowed to be friends?

[Assistant] No, I'm just hurt. When I asked you to come see Mamma Mia...


[User] No history of heart disease. No angina. No...

[Assistant] He's lying.


[User] About his history? ER confirmed...

[Assistant] About Everything. He's a magician, that's what they do. He screwed up the trick, he started drowning and he got a cardiac arrest.


[User] You were talking about a challenge?

[Assistant] The winner nominates two of your competitors. I will fire one of them.


[User] Even if he was drowning, it would have taken longer to set off a cardiac incident without some underlying pRoblem...

[Assistant] Fine. Go run your tests. If you're wrong, you're fired.


[User] If I'm right, do I stay?

[Assistant] If I say no, are you going to let your Patient die?


[User] What's the challenge?

[Assistant] We can all applaud the doctor who's willing to break all the rules. But the real hero is the unsung doctor, toiling in anonymity, because he broke the rules without getting caught. I need to know you have these skills. I need you... To bring me the thong of Cuddy. [Foreman looks up from his paper, the numbers all give House a weird look.] Not kidding. [They still all just sit there.] Thong. Cuddy. Go. [They get up and slowly start to leave, stopping before they pass Foreman.]


[User] Only one way. [Throws the panties to Cole, House catches them with his cane.]

[Assistant] These are not Cuddy's panties.


[User] You don't think that I...

[Assistant] No. Also, she's wearing a red bra today. [Everyone looks at him.] Like I'm the only one who noticed. Means the downstairs will match.


[User] Do your research, people. An intestinal infarct could be linked to the cardiac arrest.

[Assistant] [To Amber.] Hike up your skirt.


[User] [Laughs.] Wow that's rude Even for you.

[Assistant] Hike it down then. You're wearing a black bra. Let's see the underwear.


[User] No!

[Assistant] You two cut a deal.


[User] Uh, there's a guy bleeding.

[Assistant] Foreman. She's not wearing any underwear. You used to be more fun.


[User] She's not wearing any underwear - Big deal. When she stops wearing clothes, then we can drop the medical stuff.

[Assistant] Let me see the MRI film.


[User] We didn't get any images, he started screaming as soon as I turned it on.

[Assistant] Define soon.


[User] Uh... I didn't Even get a chance to sit down.

[Assistant] You guys Ever wonder how he was going to get out of that water tank? You. [Points to Kutner.] Come. [They leave.]


[User] Lacerations in his digestive tract and his spleen is shredded.

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleEve. I do have something in my pants, but it's not going to help with this particular trick. Watch closely. [Sticks his hands into Finn. Looks at the surgeon.] How you been?


[User] Fine, until now.

[Assistant] [Nods, and continues feeling around inside Finn. Pulls out a small key.] Ta-da. [Shows it to Kutner.] Now you... disappear. [Kutner leaves.] Look familiar? The MRI's magnet ripped this through your intestine into your spleen.


[User] Forgot about that. On account of almost dying. Where's Dr. Kutner?

[Assistant] He's no longer on your case, because there's nothing wrong with you.


[User] I didn't screw up that trick.

[Assistant] Everything that's happened can be explained by you being forgetful and incompetent. You screwed up, you passed out...


[User] Know my favourite time to lie? When my life hangs in the balance.

[Assistant] Your life doesn't hang in the balance. You know your life doesn't hang in the balance. Your reputation might hang...


[User] You Ever do magic as a kid? You seem like the type. Lonely, obsessive.

[Assistant] I outgrew it. You?


[User] [Holds the cards out to House.] Pick a card.

[Assistant] Too much trouble. Can I just pick my nose?


[User] I am not a hack.

[Assistant] [Takes a card.] If I tell you how it's done, will you go home? [Looks at his card, 6 of spades. Puts it back in the deck.] So you going to make it magically appear in my wallet? [Finn throws the cards at the glass wall. The Jack of hearts sticks there.] You are a hack. [House pulls the jack off the window to rEveal the 6 of spades on the other side of the glass. House is surprised, he looks at Finn, then back at the card and rubs the window just to make sure it is on the other side.]


[User] I don't screw up. [Finn starts bleeding heavily from his nose.]

[Assistant] A nosebleed that major means he's actually sick. Means the cardiac arrest was a symptom. [Looks at Kutner.] Stop gloating.


[User] I'm not gloating.

[Assistant] Then what's that smirk?


[User] What about the underwear challenge?

[Assistant] I declare it officially on hold.


[User] Not really fair, but I get it. [Throws a pair of red panties on the table, Everyone is surprised, House looks at Amber. Amber stands up and pulls her skirt down a little to show that she is still wearing hers. House looks over at 13 who looks disgusted by the thought.] It's Cuddy's.

[Assistant] [To Cole.] Pull down your pants.


[User] You think I'm lying?

[Assistant] No, I want to give you a reward. Yes, I think you're lying. Cardiac arrest plus nose bleed, Go.


[User] You know what else makes your nose bleed and your heart race? Cocaine. Guy works in a B-List nightclub in Atlantic City, he's got to be taking regular rolls in the snow.

[Assistant] You, [Taub] take the gloater to the Patient's drug den. Make sure you pat down his pockets before you leave. You [Amber] and Big Love, biopsy a blood vessel from around the heart, test for polyarteritis nodosa. You... [13] In my office. I know. Hypothetical. A young Woman does something clumsy in public, and instead of laughing it off, she gets irrationally upset. Explain. But this girl's not insecure. Seems more like she's afraid. I think you're hiding a medical condition. Doctors often try to ignore their symptoms because they think they can't get sick. If you've got something going on, I need you to take care of it. It's not compassion. It's self interest, I want my team healthy. Okay.


[User] What are you giving me?

[Assistant] How'd you do the trick?


[User] Oh, if I explain it becomes mundane, and you lose the actual magic.

[Assistant] What do you mean the actual magic? Think you're actually sawing women in half?


[User] You going to tell me what's wrong with me or not?

[Assistant] [Connects the IV up.] Magic is cool. Actual magic is oxymoronic. Might not Even be oxy.


[User] You're not going to tell me unless I tell you? [Laughs.]

[Assistant] You got a nurse to plant the card.


[User] I can't get a nurse to help me pee.

[Assistant] You got a buddy to plant the card.


[User] The fun is in not knowing.

[Assistant] [Grabs some scissors and cuts the IV line, Finn is shocked.] The fun... [House opens his hand to rEveal it was just a trick.] Is in knowing.


[User] [Grabs his head.] Oh, my head. Oh! I got a headache.

[Assistant] How bad? Is it new?


[User] It's not too bad. I'll-I'll just take one of these... [Pours pills from one hand into the other.] Vicodin. [House grabs the now empty Vicodin bottle out of his pocket. Sticks his hand out to get the pills back, Finn holds his hand over House's and then opens it, but nothing falls out. House rolls his eyes.]

[Assistant] You eat a lot of beets, you have an electric toothbrush, and you sleep less than six hours a night.


[User] That's impressive.

[Assistant] The red betamine from the beets stains the plaque deposits on your teeth, which are then swirled by your spinning toothbrush. Your heavy lids and your prematurely aging skin tell me that you're carrying a major sleep Debt.


[User] That was way cooler before you explained it.

[Assistant] It was meaningless until I explained it.


[User] People come to my show because they want a sense of wonder. They WANT to experience something that they can't explain.

[Assistant] If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there nEver was any wonder. You have tularaemia from your rabbits. I've put you on antibiotics, you'll be better in a couple of days. Sorry to spoil the mystery. [Leaves.] Thank you. [Pops a pill.]


[User] I'll get it. [Bends down to pick up the Vicodin and House checks out her ass.]

[Assistant] [Eyes boggle.] Oh. My. God. [Cuddy looks at him.] You're not wearing underwear.


[User] Of course I'm...

[Assistant] Skirt that tight, you've got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?


[User] No.

[Assistant] You're blushing.


[User] I am not. [Looks down away from House as she hands House his pills.]

[Assistant] Look at me. [Cuddy looks up at him for a second, House looks into her eyes as he grabs the pills. His eyes boggle again.] Oh! [Cuddy leaves.] My! God! How'd you do it?


[User] So I'm safe?

[Assistant] In this job, yeah. [Cole smiles.] Crotch, on the other hand... How'd you do it?


[User] Prayer mostly. [Elevator dings, then opens, Cole walks out down the corridor and House follows.]

[Assistant] Just tell me, does Cuddy have her groove back?


[User] It'd be rude of me to discuss.

[Assistant] You handed over her panties. I don't think gallantry's really an option at this point.


[User] The antibiotics aren't working. It's obviously not tularaemia or any other infection.

[Assistant] Excuse me, we were talking.


[User] Bleeding around the heart could mean botched biopsy, when Cole was looking for the...

[Assistant] Why would you accuse the Man who decides your fate of screwing up?


[User] Those really were her panties?

[Assistant] Cole has travelled through the forest of crustaceans and brought us a treasure, and he has earned his reward.


[User] If I could just get the immunity, I would...

[Assistant] No, Sophie, you can't. Use whatEver criteria you want.


[User] If he dEveloped DIC after the surgery, Even a normal biopsy bleeds out of control.

[Assistant] So cardiac arrest and DIC, what's the common denominator?


[User] So the main mass is somewhere else, throws up a clot, blocks an artery in his heart, causes the arrest. [House watches as 13's hand starts shaking as she tries to put the lid on a pen.]

[Assistant] Good. Go find out where he's hiding his cancer.


[User] It was creepy. The Patient predicted his own death.

[Assistant] Would have been more impressive if he'd predicted that he wasn't going to die. Of course, that takes longer to prove.


[User] Yeah, could be adrenal gland disorders, blood issues, anaphylaxis.

[Assistant] If you're going to kiss his ass to protect your ass, at least wait until he's had a good idea. It's a symptom of him being a charlatan. He's a second-rate magician with a mysterious illness, why wouldn't he predict his own death? If he's wrong, we all forget it, if he's right, he goes out a legend.


[User] He got scared right after a transfusion. Tainted blood has been known to cause a sense of impending doom, could also explain the DIC.

[Assistant] I predict all your pagers go off... right now. [Nothing happens.] Oh! But if it had happened...


[User] That doesn't tell us anything specific about...

[Assistant] Are you acting stupid because you know you're safe? ClEver.


[User] He's bleeding way too much for Amyloidosis.

[Assistant] He say anything about his hands or feet feeling weak?


[User] He said his hands felt numb, but that's explained by the blood loss.

[Assistant] No! Do not give me credit for that. Close doesn't count! That's how people get sucked into this stupidity.


[User] He's seizing.

[Assistant] Somebody stabilise him. [Kutner runs off, Cole follows.] The rest of you, pull his medical records, go back ten years. Look for joint pain, fatigue, anything associated with Amyloidosis. [They leave.]


[User] You knew they'd get paged?

[Assistant] I noticed a trend... If nobody does anything, sick people often get sicker. You think it's remotely possible they had sex?


[User] They're both single, it's still legal in the blue states.

[Assistant] She barely knows him.


[User] You know, in some cultures, hiring people to steal someone's underpants is considered wooing. You should move there. Because here it's just, you know, creepy.

[Assistant] There was no woo. This was an effective test. [House scores.]


[User] Kidneys are shutting down. Led to a sodium deficiency, caused him to seize.

[Assistant] Kidney failure means I was right about Amyloidosis.


[User] So kidney failure proves I'm right about the bad blood.

[Assistant] Bad blood doesn't explain the heart or the liver.


[User] His major symptoms didn't start until after we transfused him.

[Assistant] Is cardiac arrest no longer considered a major symptom?


[User] Not when it's caused by drowning.

[Assistant] So your new theory is that you were an idiot to take this case.


[User] Yes. Can I go test that theory now?

[Assistant] Waste of time. He needs a bone marrow transplant for the Amyloidosis.


[User] You'd have to irradiate him first. If they're right about the blood, you'd be destroying his immune system for nothing. [House stares at Wilson.] Which could be a good thing, does he have a really crappy life?

[Assistant] Go prove I'm right. Do a subcutaneous fat biopsy. You've got two hours.


[User] That's completely arbitrary.

[Assistant] No, if I'd said that you got three lunar months, that'd be completely arbitrary. Two hours is how long it's going to take Big Love to finish a biopsy that you guys can't do because you're wasting two hours checking blood. [13 and Kutner leave. House turns his attention back to Wilson and the foosball.] Nine "� Three.


[User] We've still got 32 minutes left.

[Assistant] Time flies, what have you found?


[User] You're checking up on them. That means Cole's finished with the biopsy, and it was negative.

[Assistant] Inconclusive. Fat doesn't always give you the answer. Need to biopsy his actual organs, lungs, kidneys, liver.


[User] We stick another needle in him, he'll haemorrhage.

[Assistant] Unless we start treatment for Amyloidosis. Show me evidence of infection. He'll be dead in a day.


[User] Like he predicted.

[Assistant] No! He'll be half a day off. Would it make you guys feel any better if I let you argue with me for... [Looks at his watch.] Three minutes before I order you to treat for Amyloidosis? No. Just treat for Amyloidosis. [Starts to leave.]


[User] No. Don't.

[Assistant] You're playing the Cuddy card?


[User] That's why I'm here.

[Assistant] Amyloidosis was your idea.


[User] I was wrong.

[Assistant] Yeah, me too, you were nEver fun. Give me the blood. I'm type AB, give me the blood. [Takes off his jacket.]


[User] WhatEver's in there could be killing him.

[Assistant] In where? How much tainted blood do you think they keep in here? How Many people would have gotten sick... [Rolls up his sleEve.] Ok. So transfuse blood from those donors. I'll be fine, we move on, treat for Amyloidosis. [Holds out his arms.] Fill 'er up. I have a new theory. You're not stubborn. You're not getting it checked 'cause you already know the answer. I found an old picture in your wallet. I wasn't snooping, I needed lunch money. Figure it's your mum, except she looks about 32 years old. The only reason not to update a photo in 20-odd years is she's not talking to you, which would be interesting, or she's dead. Which would also be interesting. [13 gives House a look.] She's dead. Pretty young to have a dead mum. You were Even younger 20 years ago. I googled her obituary. Said she died at Newhaven Presbyterian after a long illness. Parkinson's? I'm sorry. No you're not. Huntington's isn't the only thing that causes tremors. I think you're the only one on the team who drinks decaf. I've been switParkng it out with regular Ever since you dropped that file. You're trembling because you're hopped up on caffeine. The first file wasn't my fault. Medical explanation for that is... People drop things. You are. With Huntington's, it's inevitable. [Surprised.] How could you not get tested? If your mum had it, it's a 50% chance, you're a bomb waiting to explode. Yeah because if you knew, you couldn't do any of those things. [13 notices something.] What?


[User] Could be pneumococcus. That'd cause chest pain and the stiff neck.

[Assistant] It's not pneumococcus.


[User] Let me check your lymph nodes. [House slaps his hand away.]

[Assistant] I'm not the Patient. The Patient is the one whose body is shutting down, I'm having a benign transfusion reaction.


[User] Pseudomonas would present as an armpit rash, take off your shirt.

[Assistant] You first.


[User] House, you got to let us do this. We can't biopsy him without bleeding him to death.

[Assistant] You are not biopsying me.


[User] How's your stomach? Any diarrhoea?

[Assistant] [Sighs.] The more transfusions you have, the greater the chance of you reacting, I've had three in a decade. FEver will be gone in a couple of hours.


[User] You told us to give you the blood so that you wouldn't...

[Assistant] I am not sick.


[User] FEver is a symptom.

[Assistant] But not of what the Patient has! My kidneys are working, I'm not bleeding out of Every organ.


[User] Yet.

[Assistant] This is a waste of time. And it's distracting you from the actual case. [Gets up and starts to walk away but stops after a couple of steps.] The room is spinning.


[User] You okay?

[Assistant] No, I'm dizzy, and my mouth just went dry.


[User] Could be a symptom of any number of...

[Assistant] It's a symptom of narcotics. [Looks at his cup of tea.] Who spiked my... [Collapses on the floor.]


[User] I'm going to run some stains. [13 stares at Cole.] He'll be less of an ass to you.

[Assistant] Patient dead yet? [Look at his hands and sees that he has been tied to the table.] That's a little much for a first date. Feels like you already got the... lung and kidney samples. Hey, you might want to use a little bit of lidocaine... You drugged me.


[User] Stopped by the lab. Your mutinous team is starting to worry about life on Pitcairn Island. All your biopsies are clean.

[Assistant] Because there's nothing wrong with me. Did Foreman finally okay the Amyloidosis treatment?


[User] Patient's scheduled for irradiation at nine. [Sits down.] You risked your life AGAIN. You couldn't be sure he had Amyloidosis.

[Assistant] You can't be sure that I couldn't be sure.


[User] You did one test, it was negative.

[Assistant] Inconclusive.


[User] Well then, by all means, flood your body with possibly lethal blood.

[Assistant] I usually like to give the lethal blood to Foreman, but I'm the only one who's type AB.


[User] Of course, you're type AB. Universal recipient, you take from Everybody.

[Assistant] Of course, you're type O. Universal donor. No wonder you're paying three alimonies.


[User] How do you know... What blood type I am?

[Assistant] [Shrugs.] I don't. Just seemed to fit the metaphor.


[User] No, no, no, no, no. Did you test my blood for something? Why would you test my blood for something?

[Assistant] I didn't. You must have told me what you were.


[User] Who the hell chats about their blood type? You had to have tested me.

[Assistant] [Epiphany.] There's no reason to ask anyone their blood type.


[User] You're about to run out of here, aren't you?

[Assistant] Nurse, can I have a moment with my Patient?


[User] He's due in radiation.

[Assistant] It's too late. He's dying.


[User] Told you.

[Assistant] I'm sorry I doubted you. Be a shame if your secrets died with you. Perhaps you've got that trick written down somewhere? Or maybe you want to tell me, and I'll write it down for you. That way... you can live on.


[User] [Laughs.] I'm taking it with me. See, that way, it stays magic.

[Assistant] You were wrong about Everything. It was nEver magic, and you're not dying. [Finn is surprised.] What's your blood type?


[User] Type A. [House smiles.] What?

[Assistant] Trust me, it's way cooler to know.


[User] Where's Finn?

[Assistant] Up my sleEve. It's not Amyloidosis. And his blood's fine, we just gave him the wrong type. Caused the DIC, explains the bleeding, multisystem failures. That's because we don't test blood for type. We test for antibodies.


[User] Because your body only makes those antibodies when you actually have that type of blood.

[Assistant] Apparently, he has one more symptom, his body's making an extra antibody, type B. Combine that with his natural type A, and presto change-o, he magically pulls blood type AB out of his hat.


[User] Would you stop that?

[Assistant] God yes! It's happened, and apparently, it's happened again. I finally have a case of lupus. Flush him with saline, transfuse four units type A, start him on steroids. He'll be back hoodwinking idiots in no time. Big Love, rise. [Cole stands up, House gets down on one knee in front of Cole and lifts the pillow above his head.] Use their power wisely, my lord.


[User] I nominate... Amber.

[Assistant] Cut-throat bitch, rise. [Amber stands up and gives a glare to Cole.] You're surprised? You're Everyone's pick. [To Cole.] Next victim.


[User] I nominate... Kutner.

[Assistant] Now Everyone's surprised. [To Cole.] Why?


[User] You said I don't have to justify my picks.

[Assistant] No... I said you could use whatEver criteria you want, doesn't mean I don't want to know. He was right about this being a real case, he was right about the botched transfusion and he's your love nugget. You've got no reason to pick him. [Cole hangs his head and stares at the ground.] But somebody else does. Kutner's a liability. He electrocuted himself, lit a Patient on fire, it's only a matter of time before he burns the hospital down. You made a deal with Cuddy. That's how you got her underwear. She sold it to you for the right to put her choices on the block.


[User] You said get her underwear, I got it.

[Assistant] Your scheme was brilliant... and you're fired.


[User] You're all about breaking the rules.

[Assistant] Her rules, not mine. The whole point of this was to subvert Cuddy. You became her partner, gave her power she didn't already have. Let her greedy fingers into my cookie jar, which, sadly is, not as dirty as it sounds. Thanks for playing. [Picks it up and looks at it.] Looks like an envelope with the results of the genetic test for Huntington's inside. I thought it'd be fun to find out together. No, you're afraid to know. I don't have to know the lottery numbers, but if someone offered them to me, I'd take them.


[User] [on TV] Don't you dare talk to me as a mother.

[Assistant] Sign on the door says "Closed for private Event".


[User] You're alone.

[Assistant] How much more private can you get? [eats some popcorn, then reaches out] Can you pass me a tissue?


[User] Who are you keeping? You owed me a decision ten days ago.

[Assistant] [ignores the question, points to the TV] Total amnesia.


[User] [on TV] ! you Ever had. You're my whole life. You.

[Assistant] Luisa Maria can't decide if she's gonna keep the quadruplets. She keeps them. I read it online. You happy now? I ruined it for you.


[User] I want two names by Friday.

[Assistant] Fine. I'll arrange for a Patient with a mysterious illness to come in on Thursday. [munches popcorn]


[User] Yes. You need more tests. 'S only been! two months. Who knows how they'll react to freak weather patterns?

[Assistant] They all did fine in the wind tunnel.


[User] [on TV, crying] Don't Ever leave me, mom.

[Assistant] [to Cameron] Hey! Who's the sickest Patient you got?


[User] There's nothing here. Just the usual cracked heads, gunshots, false alarms.

[Assistant] Who'd you pick to fill your narrow little flats?


[User] Punk rockstar to you.

[Assistant] [checking Quidd's chart] Repeated trauma, self-cutting, fEver, arthralgia, hyperinflated chest, fatigue, anaemia, [turns the page] blood in the stool and urine. [interested] I've died and gone to diagnostic heaven.


[User] No, no!

[Assistant] Wrap him up. I'll take him to go. Dizzying array of symptoms. Any of which could be caused by drugs, trauma, being a loser.


[User] [reading Quidd's file] The guy's a walking pharmacy. Could be anything.

[Assistant] [suddenly] Oh, forgot to mention! Final case. Get it right, you're hired. Runner-up will be decided strictly on some definition of merit.


[User] I'd heard of it before you mentioned it.

[Assistant] [to Taub] Speed counts. Find something else. You already picked.


[User] [raises his hand] I'll take meningitis.

[Assistant] Too late. Go run your tests.


[User] No, he's sick 'cause he's a drug addict.

[Assistant] No, he has Every symptom you'd expect of a drug addict.


[User] So you think it's all too perfect? Some other disease is trying to throw us off its trail?

[Assistant] If he had four out of twenty possible symptoms, he'd be a garden-variety druggie. Twenty out of twenty, there's an underlying disease. [to the Fellows] Run your tests.


[User] He's weak, in withdrawal, just spewed blood. They're gonna rip off a piece of his lung, ram instruments down his throat, and roto-rooter his intestines. [House's lower-lip-pouts] Be nice if we didn't kill him trying to figure out what's killing him.

[Assistant] [concedes] One diagnosis, one test at a time.


[User] O2 stats are low. Hyper-inflated chest. I need a bronchoscopy to!

[Assistant] [interrupts] You just lost two points.


[User] What for?

[Assistant] For thinking it makes a difference who goes first. Only one person can be right.


[User] What points?

[Assistant] Can't have an objective system of measurement without numbers. You lose three for not knowing that. From now on, only the person holding this can treat or run tests. I wanted to give you the Serpent Staff with the poison axe head, but I left it in my car. [seeing Foreman] Don't need you.


[User] It's one thing to hire based on a game.

[Assistant] Do-on't need your lecture.


[User] It's insane to treat based on a game.

[Assistant] You're not taking the long view.


[User] The one where we stuff another Patient in a body bag?

[Assistant] Nope, if we're wrong, it'll come pretty fast. The long view is the one where we pick the best team. That way we can use all the bags we save for grocery shopping. You're not buying that argument, are you?


[User] No.

[Assistant] In which case, I'm back to my original position - don't need you. What do you think of Amber?


[User] I screwed up a diagnosis.

[Assistant] You don't seem that upset by it.


[User] [stands] Diagnosed a guy with adenocarcinoma three months ago. Told him he had six months.

[Assistant] So now you've got to tell him that he's way behind on his Christmas shopping.


[User] He didn't get worse. I re-checked Everything. Biopsy was a false positive. Harmless lesions caused by talc inhalation.

[Assistant] Medical clemency. Interesting.


[User] Why would you use that word?

[Assistant] Because I'm interested. When I'm interested, I describe the things that make me interested as interesting.


[User] Most people would say "good", possibly "great". Why aren't you able to just enjoy! ?

[Assistant] [standing] Why aren't other people able to just be interested?


[User] I got your new test results back.

[Assistant] Sorry I'm late.


[User] Dr. House!

[Assistant] Yes, Dr. Wilson?


[User] I know the prognosis.

[Assistant] Apparently not.


[User] I don't get it.

[Assistant] Cool.


[User] [despondent] I just accepted an offer on my House. I've had three good-bye parties. I-I'm buying plane tickets to Venice.

[Assistant] You can still use those if you're alive.


[User] I, uh, I would have thought the living would mean more than the expenses.

[Assistant] It's not about the money.


[User] [sitting, happy] I have sEventeen points?

[Assistant] I started you all out on a hundred. And you blew up part of the building.


[User] Where's Foreman?

[Assistant] He got paged.


[User] By who? Is it about our! ?

[Assistant] By me. I needed him right away. Somewhere else.


[User] We're hiding from Foreman?

[Assistant] [mock-hurt] Foreman accused me of playing games with Patient care.


[User] Not his fault he's jonesing? In what universe does that make any sense?

[Assistant] [peeking from behind the whiteboard] Get him on a nicotine patch. It'll keep up with his joneses. Do your biopsy.


[User] [protesting] It's true.

[Assistant] We all know it's true. You just wasted our time.


[User] And what you're doing?

[Assistant] I'm not competing. Foreman was following him.


[User] So you paged Taub.

[Assistant] Didn't see that I had much choice. [re: Quidd, not Taub] He has sParkstocytes in his blood smear. Which means the DIC's causing clotting. What's causing the DIC?


[User] Drug impurities.

[Assistant] You lost your round.


[User] Oh, yeah, it's much more likely that this ass punk rocker was exposed to malaria than drugs?

[Assistant] If you were always right, then you wouldn't have just been wrong. Or let the Patient mainline nicotine. Or ravaged my anatomical model, which Grandma House bought me when I aced my MCATs.


[User] A pharmaceutical rep left that here on Tuesday.

[Assistant] [picking up the Eyeball] Grandma does some part-time work.


[User] The rep was a thirty-something babe.

[Assistant] Thank you. I got her hips. [hands the Eyeball to "Thirteen"] Carry it with pride. [pointing to his office] Manipulative bitch, you're wanted in the loser's circle. Why do you hate drug addicts?


[User] [carefully] Your situation is different. You're taking a necessary prescription.

[Assistant] [sits] I know! I'm fabulous. And I'm not the Patient.


[User] I'm not allowed to have a pRoblem with junkies?

[Assistant] You're allowed, but there's gotta be a reason. He's a Patient. You don't know him. But you hate him.


[User] He's throwing his life away.

[Assistant] 'Cause he's setting his own terms? Not living in fear of Every pop quiz?


[User] I thought we were talking about him.

[Assistant] [exhales] We were nEver talking about him. Why are you afraid to lose?


[User] [laughs] Are you gonna fire me because I like to win?

[Assistant] Just want to know the reason.


[User] [pretends to think] Um, I watched this football game once. And I noticed something odd. [sarcastic] The winning team was the happy one. I did the math.

[Assistant] Our Patient's happy.


[User] [softly] He's an idiot.

[Assistant] He's a happy idiot. That screws with your world view. There's something freeing about being a loser, isn't there? Why are you afraid to! ?


[User] [calmly] We're gonna spend the next hour looking for a guy who doesn't want to be found.

[Assistant] [loudly over the noise] Jimmy Quidd's greatest stiff. 1989.


[User] A profit-seeking entity released this?

[Assistant] Put it out himself. He wanted people to listen, but apparently didn't want people to enjoy listening. Now, why would someone! ?


[User] Truly a mystery. Why would anyone do something just to aggravate people?

[Assistant] Why would _you_ have a blank liability release form, plus your checkbook, on top of your desk?


[User] [annoyed] PRobably because they were in the second drawer in a Manila envelope under a book, and you put them on top of my desk.

[Assistant] You usually keep your checkbook at home. It's your go-to excuse for why you can't lend me money. You're gonna pay the guy


[User] [denying] There are other people I write checks to. I do have cable.

[Assistant] [supportively] There's no negligence without injury.


[User] I handed the guy a death sentence!

[Assistant] He's not distressed with a death sentence. He's distressed with a life sentence.


[User] I gave him three months of misery!

[Assistant] You gave him three months of being someone special. You're paying the guy because he used to be boring, and without you he's gonna be boring again. Results of the malaria test already?


[User] Well, no. But, uh, we were wondering if you'd sent the Patient for any additional! tests.

[Assistant] You lost the Patient. Taub, you check Lost-and-Found. "Thirteen"! Come with me. Why do you love drug addicts? I'm perfectly capable of drawing my own conclusions. Are you capable of answering a question? Admirable. Why? There's always a reason. He's a Patient, you don't know him. Why do you like him? The alcoholic parent, druggie youth. There's no such thing as a saint without a past. What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else? That's the dumbest thing I've heard in my life.


[User] [calling out, waving towards the kids] We need a lot of nurses in here.

[Assistant] Dr. Cuddy. The face that launched a thousand long faces.


[User] Get control of your Patient. Strap him to the bed if you have to.

[Assistant] I want to keep all four.


[User] [firm] You can have two.

[Assistant] You don't get negotiation, do you? I say four, you say three, we finally settle on three and a half. Which would be good news for Taub.


[User] You don't want four. You don't want three. But if I say three, you get to keep playing your game.

[Assistant] [softly] Who would you pick?


[User] [genuinely surprised] Are you asking my opinion?

[Assistant] If you have any absolute truths, that would be Even better.


[User] [uncertainly] You nEver want my advice. You spend your life trying to avoid my advice.

[Assistant] [stands and faces her] You're a bureaucratic nightmare. You're a chronic pain in the ass. And you're a second-rate doctor at best.


[User] [smiles] Am I blushing?

[Assistant] But you do! [conceding] know this stuff. Can we get this over with?


[User] Blood exposure during sex?

[Assistant] Stop guessing. You'll spoil the surprise.


[User] If you're looking to get information out of the guy, he's not exactly the "bare-your-soul" type.

[Assistant] [to Fred and Rex] Hey, I was wondering if you guys know "The Girl from Ipanema".


[User] What are you doing?

[Assistant] Nothing. What are you doing?


[User] That's mine, Man.

[Assistant] Oh, you're gonna be denying that in a second. Hmm. [to Fred and Rex] Next time make sure you bring enough for the whole class. [to "Thirteen"] He's been sharing needles with this guy. As he injected this guy's blood, his own blood attacked it, chewed it up. Those were the fragments we found. We're back to bloody vomit and his two dozen other drug or non-drug symptoms. Re-check Everything. Throw these guys out, and strap the Patient down.


[User] Respiratory failure.

[Assistant] Good news for you, "Thirteen". 'Cause that is definitely not drugs. [vo] The blood clots were drug-related. The coughing up blood and the respiratory arrests are still on the table.


[User] Inhalants!

[Assistant] If I'd wanted a knee-jerk drug diagnosis, I would have told Foreman where we are.


[User] He knows where we are.

[Assistant] [angry at Amber] Because he followed you!


[User] [points to Amber] I followed her.

[Assistant] Yet if I wanted to forgive his Drano-drinking ways, I wouldn't ignore what you just said.


[User] Could be an infection.

[Assistant] [reading a test result] Nope, lumbar puncture's clear.


[User] You didn't authorize that test.

[Assistant] True, and yet, here I am with the results.


[User] It was a harmless test. The Patient's welfare still counts for something, doesn't it?

[Assistant] Yep. Minus fifty.


[User] You go in to run one test, run eight more like she ["Thirteen"] did, find out which one's right. Then comes back with a brilliant guess.

[Assistant] [to Kutner] Is this true?


[User] [denying] No.

[Assistant] 'S too bad, 'cause that would have earned you forty points for clEverness. The points go to Amber. Foreman, you run the tests.


[User] [deadpan] Sure. Anything I can do to help your game.

[Assistant] [after a few seconds] He's not gonna run the tests, is he? No.


[User] So what's wrong with me?

[Assistant] You mean besides your music?


[User] [rolls his eyes] Oh, well, sure, 'cause I don't play your kind of music, it's not music, right?

[Assistant] Yeah. I resent you because you're not Perry Como.


[User] [chuckles] Look, I don't! I don't play for an audience, okay?

[Assistant] Well, then, that stage you stand on is an odd choice.


[User] I just! I do it for me, okay? I don't do it for you.

[Assistant] You have three choices in this life. Be good, get good or give up. You've gone for column "D". Why? Simple answer is, if you don't try, you can't fail. [beat] Are you really that simple?


[User] Look, you know, some people! They like my music. Most people can't stand it. But they just sort of just shrug and ignore me. But a few, they feel like they have to tell me! what I'm screwing up. You know, what I'm wasting. Why do they care?

[Assistant] You have some peculiar masses near your heart.


[User] Peculiar how?

[Assistant] Well, unlike your music, they elicit some emotional response. That's odd.


[User] What?

[Assistant] You care if I appreciate your music, but you don't care if you live or die. Maybe the answer is that simple.


[User] It's pretty fuzzy.

[Assistant] Hey, for point and shoot, I thought I did okay.


[User] It's fuzzy because he was still shaking 'cause he was coming down from the heroin. [looks around] Where is Everybody else?

[Assistant] The clinic's been quarantined. A Patient came in with avian-flu-like symptoms. And fifty extra dollars in spending money.


[User] Can you do this echo again?

[Assistant] [angry voice] Okay, minus five for ingratitude! No "Thank you, Dr. House". No "Here's a bottle of codeine for your troubles, Dr. House". Oh, no.


[User] I was asking if you could do it again after giving him a sedative to keep him still.

[Assistant] I could. We'd definitely get the answer. But since the opiates would decrease his respiratory drive, and he already can barely breathe, minus ten for asking me to kill the Patient.


[User] What if it's a congenital defect? An anomalous vessel on his heart?

[Assistant] You know that the heart does the blood stuff, right? And the lungs do the breathing.


[User] If the vessel wrapped around his trachea?

[Assistant] What do you want me to do?


[User] [stammering] What-w-wait-what-what-why?

[Assistant] You said the picture sucked because the Patient was shaking. MRA will be worse.


[User] We have to get a picture.

[Assistant] You were doing better before you had a good idea.


[User] How can we see it if we don't take a picture?

[Assistant] [thinks] You can see me, right? We want to look at his heart. With our eyes.


[User] So I kill the Patient on my operating table. You get to keep testing your team and I take the heat from Cuddy.

[Assistant] If it goes that way, yeah, that'll be excellent.


[User] His respiratory status is through the floor. If there's a vessel and we don't remove it fast, best case, he's on a ventilator for life.

[Assistant] Granted, it'll be a short one. Who do you think I should hire?


[User] You want me to tell you in front of him?

[Assistant] It would be rude to ask him to leave now.


[User] So! how's your game going?

[Assistant] It's not whether you win or lose. Respiratory failure. Enlarged lymph nodes. WhatEver this is, he's not gonna be breathing much longer.


[User] Does Foreman being here mean the game's over?

[Assistant] It means the Patient's life is almost over. You can call it what you want. We're done, people! Come on! I need an idea and I don't care who they come from.


[User] 'Course you do. This is still a game. You're still gonna reward whoEver gets the right idea, punish whoEver's wrong. Hire who you want, get this over with.

[Assistant] "Thirteen", Kutner. I'm sorry. Go home. Doesn't matter. He just told me that I've gotta!


[User] Lungs are stiff, could be ARDS.

[Assistant] You fluid-overloaded him. Anyone's lungs would leak after that surgery. Good-bye. No sign of bronchospasm.


[User] [stands] What if the lymph nodes are caused by chronic stimulation of his immune system? Impurities in his drugs could have caused!

[Assistant] Drug diagnosis. That's what you're going with? That firing thing! was all a dream. Go find where he gets his drugs and what's in them. Put him on dimercaprol for heavy metal poisoning. [purses his lips] Competition works.


[User] Kinda sticks in your head, doesn't it?

[Assistant] This guy's amazing. There's not one redeeming note.


[User] What sort of a Lawyer tells his client he's got a case because he's going to live?

[Assistant] I've heard that not all Lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV.


[User] I don't think this guy Even has a law degree.

[Assistant] A lot of the guys on TV don't, either.


[User] [looks accusingly at House] I think he has a medical degree.

[Assistant] It directly affects my bottom line. You have less money to lend!


[User] [mad] I'm trying to take responsibility!

[Assistant] And I'm trying to teach you that Everyone is out for theirs. You might as well keep yours.


[User] And lend it to you? You have to control Everything. How come you're going around asking Everyone who you should fire?

[Assistant] I'm asking for input! I thought you would have admired the humility.


[User] You like games because you can control them.

[Assistant] [pointing at the record player] God, I'm gonna put the record back on.


[User] You like what's interesting, nEver mind if it's real or good!

[Assistant] [stands] Wanna know why you offered that guy six grand?


[User] Life just happens, and that scares the hell out of you!

[Assistant] You think you can cure pain!


[User] [Even louder] You think you can avoid pain!

[Assistant] You think you're responsible for Every failure, Every! Patient's boring life, Every friend's screwed-up! !


[User] You don't want to face it any more than my Patient does! Dying's easy. Living's hard!

[Assistant] That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded.


[User] Uh, still can't find the drug source, but I don't think that's the pRoblem. The dimercaprol isn't working. [adding] And Quidd volunteers at a home for abandoned kids.

[Assistant] Why are you telling me this?


[User] Because his bass player told me.

[Assistant] Is it medically relevant?


[User] I dunno.

[Assistant] Well, then why are you! ?


[User] [to House] Stop playing games and do your job.

[Assistant] [to Wilson] No. This time, I'm firing Taub and Amber.


[User] This is a joke, right?

[Assistant] It's only a joke if you come up with the answer. It's not really funny if you don't. "Thirteen" and Kutner, you're fired too. Foreman!


[User] He's a druggie. I was nEver sure there was a disease in the first place.

[Assistant] So all we know is that he's dying. [to the Fellows] Who wants to tell the Patient? Fine. We'll get some kid to go talk to him. It's the only people he gets along with anyway.


[User] [apprehensively] Are we still fired?

[Assistant] He works with abandoned kids?


[User] [pettily] Is it medically relevant?

[Assistant] [epiphany-time] I think so. I need a brain biopsy. [clarifying] For the Patient. Stop it. [to Taub and "Thirteen"] You two switch.


[User] [re: the Fellows] Why are they here?

[Assistant] Because I wouldn't have gotten the answer without each of them.


[User] You could have just told me.

[Assistant] I want you to feel guilty. [points at Amber] She thinks the Patient's a loser. ["Thirteen"] She thinks the Patient's a winner. Just a regular guy with a regular pRoblem. [Taub] He thinks he's gonna be great once he's all growed up. [Kutner] And he thinks! what did you think?


[User] Autoimmune.

[Assistant] Right. Less interesting, but just as important.


[User] We can't all be right.

[Assistant] You're all wrong. My mom always said that two wrongs don't make a right. She nEver said anything about four wrongs. I always found that suspicious. [points his cane at "Thirteen"] Plain old measles. [points at Taub and Kutner] Constant exposure from hanging out with Oliver Twist and his lot.


[User] I assume he's been vaccinated.

[Assistant] [points to Amber] Patient's immune system was shredded with years of drugs. They're early markers of rash and fEver. Would have been lost in a druggie. His immune system overreacted. That's why his body went haywire.


[User] You're not doing a biopsy without neurological symptoms.

[Assistant] If I'm right, the virus is in his brain. Wrong course of treatment could be his last course.


[User] [cuts in] He kept swallowing. Could be neurological. Could be a complex partial seizure.

[Assistant] What did it look like? [to Cuddy, mock-urgently] Good! God, Woman. How much more proof do you need?


[User] If you can induce a seizure, you can have your biopsy.

[Assistant] Hu-up!


[User] We're gonna use flashing lights. Noxious stimulation, it'll irritate your brain. If there's damage to your neurons, it'll trigger a seizure that we can!

[Assistant] I got something much more noxious. It's not as commonly used, but sound can be just as big an irritant. [loudly over the cacophony] Now remind me of your influences here. 'Cause I'm gonna say, Thelonious Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it. I don't do it for you. I do it for me. [to Kutner] What do you think? Is he seizing or dancing?


[User] [just as calm] Seizing.

[Assistant] Play him the "B" side. It's Even worse. Schedule an OR for the biopsy. See you in the lecture hall. A little mood music. Build the suspense.


[User] Sounds more folky.

[Assistant] You seriously have no idea when to shut up, do you? Amber, please stand.


[User] You didn't call me "bitch". Is that bad?

[Assistant] You play the game better than anybody else here. But for the wrong reasons.