[User] Just tell me one thing. Is her nose as pretty as mine?

[Assistant] Oh, no, no.. ma’m.


[User] Oh good, because otherwise I would have cut it off. And then you would have to marry someone without a nose and that wouldn’t be very nice, would it?

[Assistant] No ma’m.


[User] Imagine the mess when she’s got a cold! Yuck!

[Assistant] Well, quite ma’m.


[User] You’ll make a lovely bridesmaid Baldrick. Pity me that I have no actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house we couldn’t afford friends.

[Assistant] It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.


[User] Thank you very much my lord.

[Assistant] Well, I use the word man in an as broad as possible sense because we all know God made man in his own image. It would be a sad look out for christians around the globe if God looked any like you, Baldrick.


[User] Ignore old Mister Grumpy. There you are, Boulders. Hmm, you look sweet as a little pie.

[Assistant] Kate, he looks like what he is: a dung ball in a dress.


[User] Oh Edmund… Hello there… Edmund, you didn’t tell me we were expecting guests. And such a pretty one too.

[Assistant] Oh God…


[User] Now you’re a little cuty to be hiding your self away all these years. Tell me gorgeous, what is your name?

[Assistant] He’s called Baldrick.


[User] Baldrick.. that’s a pretty name. Edmund used to have a servant called Baldrick. But anyway, away with such small-talk. Lady.. a kiss! b: What? And so modest too. Come on you little tease. You know you want to. Give us a kiss. b: All right, if you say so. Ohghw…he.. what an original perfume.

[Assistant] That is our Baldrick. He’s wearing a dress.


[User] Ourgh..

[Assistant] Anyway, what do you want?


[User] Ourgh… well euh.. Edmund, there has been some discussion around the Court on the subject of who’s going to be your best man and I thought it might be the moment to bring the subject to a conclusion.

[Assistant] Ah yes, Percy. I would like you…


[User] Oh, I’m so proud!

[Assistant] Please let me finish. I would like you to take this letter to Dover where is recently docked the galleon of my old school friend and adventurer Lord Flashheart. He shall be my best man.


[User] Lord Flash Heart. The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor and the best kisser in the kingdom.

[Assistant] Even he. To Dover at once!


[User] Yes. Actually I was going to suggest Lord Flash Heart as the best man my self.

[Assistant] Were you?


[User] Edmund I cannot believe it is really happening.

[Assistant] It is, my sweet.


[User] Before we go in I want you to meet my father.

[Assistant] Oh fine! Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I’m waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage.


[User] I am your father in law.

[Assistant] Oh no… All right, how much you want to clear off?


[User] Father!

[Assistant] All right, there we go.


[User] Edmund, you mustn’t!

[Assistant] No, don’t worry, I’ll get Baldrick to beat him up after the ceremony. We’ll get the money back. Come on, we’re late.


[User] Ah Edmund. Could we get on do you think? I want to get to the reception so I can get squiffy and seduce someone.

[Assistant] Yes.. oh.. unfortunately ma’m, my best man still has not arrived.


[User] Well, get another one.

[Assistant] Ma’m, there is no one else I can really think of.


[User] Euh.

[Assistant] Sorry Percy?


[User] Nothing my lord, just clearing my throat.

[Assistant] Don’t. I don’t want you coughing all the way through the ceremony.


[User] Oh, come on Edmund. You must be able to think of another best man.

[Assistant] Well, I suppose I could ask Percy. Percy!


[User] My lord!

[Assistant] Can you think of another best man?


[User] Well my lord. One name does spring to mind.

[Assistant] Yes. But I can’t ask Baldrick. He’s a bridesmaid and besides, I need a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion.


[User] I think there is one person in the room who fits the description.

[Assistant] Of course… Nursie! How do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and being my best man?


[User] Edmund, don’t be so naughty. You know perfectly well whom Percy is referring to.

[Assistant] All right, I’m sorry. Melchard! All right! All right! As ashamed as I am and contradiction in terminus though it is, Percy, you can be the best man.


[User] Oh, my lord! Noble cause, oh what an honour. I brought along a ring, just…

[Assistant] I really did think old Flash would have turned up.


[User] It’s me, Flash! Flash by name, Flash by nature. Hurrah!

[Assistant] Where have you been?


[User] Where haven’t I been! ..Waugh!!!.. But I’m here now. Who is that?

[Assistant] I don’t know, but he is in your place.


[User] Hey Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last thing I heard He started worshipping ME…

[Assistant] Ah yes Flash, let me introduce my… my fiancee Kate.


[User] Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress. I got a plan and it’s as hot as my pants.

[Assistant] What a man Flash is, eh? Things will certainly liven around here, now he’s back. Flash. Flash??


[User] I do.

[Assistant] Right Baldrick, let’s try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?


[User] Some beans.

[Assistant] Yes…and no. Let’s try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?


[User] A very small casserole. BA: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there? Three

[Assistant] What?


[User] And that one.

[Assistant] Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?


[User] Oh! Some beans.

[Assistant] Yes. To you Baldrick, the renaissance was just something that happened to other people wasn’t it?


[User] Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see you.

[Assistant] What-


[User] I said “Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see-”

[Assistant] Please let me finish. What, are you wearing round your neck?


[User] Ah! It’s my new ruff!

[Assistant] You look like a bird who’s swallowed a plate!


[User] It’s the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather sexy!

[Assistant] To another plate swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn’t had it in months.


[User] I think you may be wrong.

[Assistant] You’re a sad laughable figure aren’t you Percy? What do you think of Percy’s ruff Baldrick?


[User] Four.

[Assistant] What?


[User] Some beans and some beans is four beans.

[Assistant] No, no. We’ve moved on from advanced mathematics, we’re onto elementary dressmaking. What do you think of Percy’s rough?


[User] I think he looks like a bird who’s swallowed a plate my Lord.

[Assistant] No that’s what I think, that’s what I think! What do you think? Try to have a thought of your own, Baldrick, thinking is so important. What do you think?


[User] I think thinking is so important my Lord.

[Assistant] I give up! I’m off to see the queen.


[User] Oh shall I come too my Lord?

[Assistant] No, best not, people might think we’re friends. You stay here with Baldrick.Bird neck and bird brain should get on like a house on fire! SCENE 2 ——-


[User] As you say Majesty, there were these magnificent orange elephants which were coming…..

[Assistant] My Lady , you wish to see me.


[User] Yes, Lord Melchett has bad news.

[Assistant] Lord Melchett is bad news.


[User] Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead.

[Assistant] Oh woe ! Murdered of course.


[User] No, oddly enough no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept.

[Assistant] He should have told them they had the wrong man.


[User] Oh he did, but you see they didn’t, they had the right man and they had the form to prove it.

[Assistant] Te. bloody red tape eh ? And the bad news ?


[User] The bad news is that actually there are simply hundreds of catholics who desperately want their heads sneaked off and there’s no-one to organise it.

[Assistant] Hm, well I pity the poor sod who gets the job. No-one ever survives it more than a week.


[User] List for the post of Lord High Executioner – Lord Blackadder.

[Assistant] Ah He. SCENE 3 ——- Right then. Let’s take a look shall we? Who’s first into the head basket then? Admiral Lord Ethingham and Sir Francis Drake on Monday.


[User] That should draw a crowd.

[Assistant] Hm?


[User] Well, sailing enthusiasts.

[Assistant] Oh yes, better make sure there’s a few anchors and things on the souvenier stall.


[User] Aye, aye, sir.

[Assistant] Never, ever try to be funny in my presence again Percy. Right, Buckingham and Ponsonby on Friday. Oh wait a minute. Farrow on Wednesday. Who’s Farrow when he’s not having his head cut off?


[User] Ah, James Farrow, pleasant bloke from Dorchester.

[Assistant] Don’t know him, never will either. Yes, and he goes on Wednesdsay?


[User] Hmm.

[Assistant] It’s not right though, is it?


[User] Well no! I mean now you come to mention it, my Lord, there was absolutely no evidence against young Farrow at all! It was an outrageous travesty of justice!

[Assistant] No, it’s not right that he should be on Wednesday when we could stick him in on Monday and have half the week off.


[User] Oh I see. Yes, that’s right.

[Assistant] Pop him in on Monday. Right, good! Five dead in two days. Not a bad start. Oh yes Percy, and the new rough?


[User] Better?

[Assistant] Worse.


[User] Ah, the fashion today is towards the tiny.

[Assistant] In that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London. SCENE 4 ——- Right, good morning team. My name is Edmund Blackadder and I’m the new minister in charge of religious genocide. Now, if you play straight with me you’ll find me a considerate employer, but cross me and you’ll find that under this playful boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac. Now my man you are ?


[User] Eh, jailor Sir, my Lord.

[Assistant] Good, well done and your name is ?


[User] Ploppy Sir.

[Assistant] Ploppy ?


[User] Yes Sir.

[Assistant] Ploppy the jailor ?


[User] That’s right Sir. Ploppy son of Ploppy.

[Assistant] Ploppy, son of Ploppy the jailor ?


[User] Ah ach no Sir. I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailor. My father, Daddy Ploppy was known as Ploppy the slopper. It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.

[Assistant] Yes you are to be congratulated, my friend, we, we live in an age where illness and deformity are common place and yet Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.


[User] There’s no many bosses would be that considerate sir.

[Assistant] Thank you Ploppy, I do my best. Now then woman. if indeed you are a woman, what is your function on death row ?


[User] I’m the last meal cook Sir. The prisoners may ask for what they fancy for there last meal…..

[Assistant] And you cook for them what they desire ?


[User] Oh yes Sir, provided they ask for sausages. Otherwise they tend to get a tiny bit disappointed. Sausages is all I got.

[Assistant] You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion mistress eh ?


[User] Ploppy Sir.

[Assistant] Ah, so you are married to…


[User] No, many people think that but it’s pure coincidence. We did laugh when first we found out. “Good morning” mistress Ploppy he’d say, and I’d say “good morning .. MRP& Mr. Ploppy”

[Assistant] The long winter evenings must just fly by. Ah ! and you must be the boy who makes the tea ?


[User] Ah no Sir, he’s the executioner but he does sometime make the tea.

[Assistant] Yes, and your name is ?


[User] Baldrick my Lord, but I’ll change it to Ploppy if it’ll make things easier.

[Assistant] No thank you. I can cope with more than one name. What are you doing here ?


[User] It would be more, more fun Sir if he were to change his name. Give the place a more family atmosphere.

[Assistant] A family atmpsphere ? This is meant to be a place of pain and misery and sorrow.


[User] Eh, Mistress Ploppy is a bit of a social realist Sir.

[Assistant] Now then, we’re going to run a fast efficient operation and I intend to do as little work as possible. My deputy Percy here will explain.


[User] Good afternoon staff, my name is Lord Percy and if you play fair by me you will find me a considerate employer, but if you cross me BY JOVE, you …

[Assistant] Just tell’em the plan duckface.


[User] My Lord, not in front of the staff.

[Assistant] Get on with it.


[User] Right Staff, as you know we are scheduled to execute Drake and Ethingham on Monday, Lord Farrow on Wednesday and Buckingham and Ponsonby on Friday. But in order to give us the middle of the week off, Lord Blackadder has decided to move Farrow to Monday.

[Assistant] Lets just say he’s got time off for good behaviour. SCENE 5 ——-


[User] Hip, hip …

[Assistant] So, they’re all dead are they ?


[User] Well Farrow was rather moving my Lord. A great strong man, he stood there, gaunt and noble in the early morning mist and in a loud clear voice he cried out “My wife might have bloddy well turned up”

[Assistant] Ha, she’s probably shacked up with some new pair of tights already. Right well unless Lord Percy has anything to add, you lot can amuse yourselves in whatever foul depraved way you feel fit til’ Friday. MRP&P: Thank you Sir.


[User] Well staff, eh I’ve got a few notes on today’s show. On the whole I was impressed

[Assistant] They’ve gone Percy


[User] My Lord, there is a lady outside to see you.

[Assistant] Oh is she pretty ?


[User] I don’t know, what d’you think?

[Assistant] Well I don’t know do I? I haven’t seen her yet. Make yourself scarce Baldrick.


[User] Good evening Lord Blackadder.

[Assistant] Well it certainly is now. Perhaps you’d like to slip into something more comfortable.


[User] No, my lord, for there is a great pain in my heart.

[Assistant] It’s probably indigestion, I’ll soon take your mind off that.


[User] It’s my husband.

[Assistant] Your husband’s got indigestion? Well, he won’t be bothering us then.


[User] No, he dies tomorrow.

[Assistant] Oh come, you can’t die of indigestion, you’re over dramatising.


[User] He is to be executed at your order. I am Lady Farrow.

[Assistant] Ah, and what exactly did you want of me?


[User] I wish to see my husband tonight.

[Assistant] Ehe! Not really possible actually. Excuse me just a second. Baldrick!


[User] My lord?

[Assistant] That Farrow bloke you executed today, are you sure he’s dead?


[User] Well I chopped his head off, that usually does the trick.

[Assistant] Yes, don’t get clever with me Baldrick. I just thought you might have lopped off a leg or something by mistake.


[User] No, the thing I chopped off had a nose.

[Assistant] Fine! Yes, I’m so sorry. I’ve just been consulting my legal people and I’m afraid there really is no chance of a meeting.


[User] But the queen told me it would be allowed.

[Assistant] Really?


[User] Yes, and that if you said “no”, I should give you this.

[Assistant] Eh he! Fine, fine, absolutely, why not? SCENE 7 ——- Right Baldrick, is that all clear?


[User] Yes, em, I’ve killed someone I shouldn’t have killed, and now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag.

[Assistant] No, I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.


[User] Why? Why do I want a bag on my head?

[Assistant] In order, ningcompoop, that she should believe that you’re her husband.


[User] Young, young Ploppy here has a point My Lord, Lord Farrow never wore a bag, he was an old fashioned sort of gent.

[Assistant] Look-


[User] Well, yes, My Lord, I mean, I hadn’t meant to mention it but I have been wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he’s not!

[Assistant] Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldricks own features, and many might think, incidently, that that would be reason enough for him to wear it. Before I bring in Lady Farrow I shall explain to her, inventing some cunningly plausible excuse, that her husband has taken to wearing a bag. She can then chat to Baldrick imagining him to be the man she married and the queen need never know of my little miscalculation.


[User] Foolproof.

[Assistant] You’re very kind.


[User] Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that bothers me.

[Assistant] It’s probably a flea. Enter MRSP


[User] Your lordship, Lady Farrow awaits your pleasure.

[Assistant] All right, OK. Go on, quick! Quick! Exit P,MRP,MRSP Ah, Lady Farrow, what a real pleasure it is to see you again.


[User] It is my beloved that I shall be pleased to see.

[Assistant] Well quite, quite. Though I should warn you that he, eh, he will not be quite as you knew him.


[User] You fiend! What have you done to him?

[Assistant] We have put…. a bag over his head.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Well, the thing is, you see, none of the other prisoners have such shapely widows, baa wives I should say, and therefore in the interests of the condemned community, your husband has nobly agreed to wear a bag. It was either that or have all the other prisoners in there with you.


[User] How like him to make such a gesture.

[Assistant] Yes, yes. Well I’ll just go and check he’s bagged up. Right Balders, this is it. Enter MRP,P


[User] My lord!

[Assistant] Oh what is it now Ploppy?


[User] I have located my nagging doubt. It’s a small point, but I do now recall that Lord Farrow was considerably taller, more than a yard taller, than young Ploppy here.

[Assistant] If you want something done properly you’ve got to do it yourself, haven’t you? Anything else I should know?


[User] Oh yes, he had a very deep voice, big deep booming voice.

[Assistant] So quite like mine then?


[User] No, my lord, a big deep booming voice.

[Assistant] Well mine’s quite deep.


[User] Ah not like his, and in fact, he was even taller than you, my lord. Oh a giant of a man.

[Assistant] Yes, all right, all right, don’t rub it in. Percy, you’d better go and have another word with her. Go on, go on.


[User] Ah yes!

[Assistant] Oh well I shall just have to stick it inside the shirt. Which one? Which one?


[User] You know, a gloater, eh, come to gloat over the condemned man. I mean we’re up to our ears is gloaters here. “Can I come in for a gloat?” they shout and we shout back “Oh you heartless gloaters”. All right, all right, I tell you what. I’ll believe you’re not a gloater if you tell me which arm he hasn’t got. lf: His left of course! Now let me see my husband! Right! it’s the left. Good luck!

[Assistant] Gloaters, you really are a pratt aren’t you Percy ? Right, don’t forget in two minutes you interrupt me all right ? And no more than two minutes otherwise I’m in real trouble, and don’t forget because..?


[User] Because we’re not at home to Mr. Cockup!

[Assistant] Correct.


[User] Remember the voice my lord.

[Assistant] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Exit B, P, MRP. Enter.


[User] James?

[Assistant] My darling!


[User] How are you?

[Assistant] Oh fine, fine. Food’s not bad. Apart from the sausages.


[User] You’re voice is somehow different.

[Assistant] Oh, how?


[User] Somehow lighter, not as deep or booming as once it was.

[Assistant] Is that better?


[User] Oh my darling! Oh call me by that name you always called me to show your love is still strong.

[Assistant] Ah yes, look, do you think this is quite the time or the place for that sort of thing ?


[User] Please!

[Assistant] Em this is the specific secret little name that I always used to call you? You want to be called it again, is that right?


[User] Yes, the one like ‘your little pumpkin’.

[Assistant] The one like ‘your little pumpkin’ but not actually ‘your little pumpkin’ ?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Em, right then, my little pumpkinywumpkiny ?


[User] Oh my darling! AH! Your arm!

[Assistant] What’s wrong with it?


[User] What happened to it?

[Assistant] Well, well, I’m rather hurt you don’t remember yourself in fact.


[User] But it was only cut off at the elbow.

[Assistant] Aagh!


[User] What happened to the rest?

[Assistant] Ah, yes, well, well I got into a scrap here with a fellow who called you a nosey little strumpet who was always going blubbing to the queen.


[User] Oh!

[Assistant] And we got into a fight, and he cut off the top half.


[User] Oh alas!

[Assistant] Eh, ah, yes of course, well I think you’d better be going. Lord Blackadder said he was going to be sending in his servant Baldrick to collect me.


[User] Perhaps, my lord, he is leaving us for a little longer.

[Assistant] Oh no, no, no. I shouldn’t think so. BALDRICK!! He’s usually very punctual.


[User] Perhaps this Baldrick is doing it out of kindness.

[Assistant] Oh no, I shouldn’t think so. BALDRICK!! He, he he’s a very unkind person.


[User] Well then, let us leap on the moment that we have been given and use it to its full.

[Assistant] What ?


[User] Let me do this last thing for you! What wife could do more ?

[Assistant] What? Oh, I see. Enter B.


[User] Right, that’s it. Time up!

[Assistant] No it isn’t.


[User] Oh we’ve had so little time. May we finish what we began in paradise. Farewell. B Farewell. Exit LF.

[Assistant] Baldrick, you bastard! You utter bastard! That was the first time ever, in my whole life. I’ve been on this pultry, boring planet for 30 years and that’s the first time ever anyone has ever attempted… Enter LF.


[User] But do not despair my lord. Your brother petitions the queen tomorrow morning. There may still be hope! Exit LF.

[Assistant] What?


[User] Out!

[Assistant] My lady, about Lord Farrow.


[User] I’ve let him off.

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, you can’t. He’s a complete cad of the first water.


[User] Precisely. So Lord Backadda ha! I want to see Lord Farrow here in 1 hour. Meanwhile, I shall spend the time visiting my old friend Lord Ponsonby who I believe I’m having killed on Friday – Come on Nursey, let’s see if there are any good heads in Traitor’s Cloister on the way!

[Assistant] Percy, this is a very difficult situation.


[User] Yes, my lord.

[Assistant] Someone’s for the chop. You or me in fact.


[User] Ah yes.

[Assistant] Let’s face facts Perc, it’s you!


[User] Except, Exc-ept, I may have a plan.

[Assistant] Oh yes.


[User] Yes, eh, eh. How about if we get Lord Farrow’s head and body and we take it to the queen, except, exc-ept just before we get in,we start shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying “We were just on our way when he said something traitorous and so we cut his head off in the corridor just to teach him a lesson”.

[Assistant] Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptable! Worth a try. Where did we put the head?


[User] It’s on a spike in traitor’s cloister.

[Assistant] Oh God, well that’s where the queen’s gone! Did she know Farrow?


[User] Oh yes, they were childhood friends.

[Assistant] Well what if she sees his head on a spike? She’ll, she’ll, she’ll realise he’s dead!


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] You fetch the body, and I’ll cover the head. SCENE 9 ——-


[User] Oh! Hello Edmund. Look I’m sorry I snapped at you just now. You know I’m really very keen on you indeed don’t you ?

[Assistant] Oh yes mam, as you were keen on Essex.


[User] Exactly!

[Assistant] Right up to the point at which you had his head cut off.


[User] He didn’t mind that, he knew it was only little me! And I must say, his head did look jolly super on its spike. Are there no heads on spikes today ?

[Assistant] Em, no. No, we’re training up a new executioner and he’s a little immature. Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash. By the time he’s finished you don’t so much need a spike as a toast rack.


[User] I like toast. Still, must be off to say bye bye to Ponsonby. Would you care to stroll with me a while just if you’ve got time, if you’re not to busy.

[Assistant] No, sorry mam, affairs at office-


[User] I said “Would you care to stroll with me a while, just if you’ve got time, if YOU’RE NOT TOO BUSY!”

[Assistant] It would make the decade worthwhile! ————— And in Genoa, ’tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder braid, stand in a bucket and go “bibble” at passers by.


[User] Oh, our Italian cousins!

[Assistant] Well if you’ll excuse me mam, I’ve got some business to attend to.


[User] Certainly. But first Edmund, take my hand. Tell me you forgive my former sharpness.

[Assistant] Em. M’lady


[User] Sweet Lord Blackadder. Exit Q,N. Enter P.

[Assistant] Percy.


[User] Well, I’ve got the body my lord and I see you’ve got the head.

[Assistant] Yes but look it’s no good Percy, no-one’s ever going to believe we’ve just cut it off, it’s gone green! We’re doomed.


[User] Doomed. Oh wait a moment, that’s not Farrow!

[Assistant] Isn’t it ?


[User] No, that’s Ponsonby.

[Assistant] My God, Ponsonby! That genius Baldrick has killed the wrong bloke. We’re saved.


[User] Saved.

[Assistant] Then Farrow is alive and we’re saved.


[User] Hooray!

[Assistant] And when the queen gets back from seeing Ponsonby we’ll – Oh God!


[User] Your majesty.. Lord Ponsonby

[Assistant] Your royal majesty. Sorry about the baaag. Didn’t have time to shave ! THE END ======= Other Episodes from Series 2 You should also check out: Blackadder Series 2 Theme Song


[User] Coming?

[Assistant] Nope


[User] It will be a once in a lifetime experience.

[Assistant] No it won’t


[User] Everybody’s going.

[Assistant] Don’t exaggerate, Percy. I’m not going, Mrs. Miggins from the pie shop isn’t going…


[User] Oh, my lord, you are cruel; you know perfectly well that Mrs. Miggins is bedridden from the nose down And besides, she is honoring the occasion in her own special way by baking a great commemorative pie, in the shape of an enormous pie!

[Assistant] What an imagination that woman has.


[User] Oh, come on Edmund! The greatest explorer of our age is coming home. The streets have never been so gay! Women are laughing, children are singing… Oh look! there’s a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors, and he’s still got a smile on his face!

[Assistant] Look, Percy, the return of Sir Walter “Ooh what a big ship I’ve got” Raleigh is a matter of supreme indifference to me.


[User] Look, if you’re not careful, all the children will dance about outside your window, singing “sourpuss” and “grumpy face”, and you wouldn’t want that, now would you?

[Assistant] I believe I could survive it. Now, Percy, will you get out before I cut off your head, scoop out the insides, and give it to your mother as a vase?! What a clot. The most absurdly dressed creature in Christendom With one exception.


[User] My lord?

[Assistant] Baldrick, you look like a deer.


[User] Thank you my lord. You look a bit of a ducky yourself.

[Assistant] Oh God. What do you want?


[User] Well, I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?

[Assistant] Of course not; who do you think you are, Watt Tyler? You can have the afternoon off when you DIE, not before.


[User] But I want to cheer brave Sir Walter home. Oh, dear sir, on a day like today I feel proud to be a member of the greatest kingdom in the world.

[Assistant] And doubtless many other members of the animal kingdom feel the same way but – Look, will you shut up?! Bloody explorers, ponce off to mumbo-jumbo-land, come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and, Bob’s your uncle, everyone’s got a picture of them in the lavatory. I mean, what about the people that do all the work?


[User] The servants.

[Assistant] No, me; I’m the people who do all the work. I mean look at this! What is it?


[User] Oh, I’m surprised you’ve forgotten, my lord.

[Assistant] I haven’t forgotten; it’s a rhetorical question.


[User] No, it’s a potato.

[Assistant] To you it’s a potato, to me it’s a potato. But to Sir Walter Bloody Raleigh it’s country estates, fine carriages, and as many girls as his tongue can cope with. He’s making a fortune out of the things; people are smoking them, building houses out of them… They’ll be eating them next.


[User] Stranger things have happened.

[Assistant] Oh, exactly.


[User] That horse becoming Pope.

[Assistant] The what? Oh God. Probably some birk with a parrot on his shoulder selling plaster gnomes of Sir Francis Drake and his Golden beHind


[User] Blackadder, started talking to yourself I see.

[Assistant] Yes, it’s the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation. What do you want?


[User] Well I just looked in on my way to the palace to welcome Sir Walter home; I wondered if you cared to accompany me.

[Assistant] I don’t think I’ll bother, actually; three hours of bluff seaman’s talk about picking the weevils out of biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of a good time.


[User] As you wish. Servant, my hat. Potato?

[Assistant] Thanks, I don’t. . I see you haven’t succumbed to this fad of dressing up like half an allotment in Nottingham Forest.


[User] There you go, my lord

[Assistant] -You have.


[User] It’s probably just as well you’re not coming, Blackadder, you’re not very popular at court at the moment, and the Queen and I have-

[Assistant] -Yes, well I can probably leave this ’til tomorrow in fact.


[User] Majesty! Surely not!

[Assistant] You utter creep. So. Where’s this barnacle-bottomed, haddock-flavored, bilge-rat Sir rather-a-wally Raleigh then? I hear he’s about as exciting as one of his potatoes.


[User] I thought as much. If he’s really gorgeous, I’m thinking of marrying him.

[Assistant] Ma’am, is that not a little rash?


[User] I’m sorry?

[Assistant] She says hello.


[User] Ah, only numerically speaking. We sailors do not count the sea around the Cape of Good Hope. It is called the Sea of Certain Death, and no sailor has crossed it alive.

[Assistant] Well, well, well, what an extraordinary coincidence.


[User] What’s an extraordinary coincidence?

[Assistant] Oh, it’s just I was planning a jaunt around the Cape of Good Hope, myself. I’m leaving a week on Thursday, I think.


[User] If you attempt that journey, you’ve no mind at all.

[Assistant] Or perhaps a mind that knows no fear.


[User] Is that true, Edmund? Do you know no fear?

[Assistant] Well, yes, I do rather laugh in the face of fear, tweak the nose of terror.


[User] You’d never dare. Why, ’round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head bleed!

[Assistant] So, some sort of hat is probably in order.


[User] And great dragons leap from the water and swallow ships whole!

[Assistant] -I must remember to pack the larger of my two shrimping nets.


[User] Oh yes? And who will be your captain? Hmph! To my mind, there is only one seafarer with few enough marbles to attempt that journey.

[Assistant] Ah yes, and who is that?


[User] Why, Rum, of course. Captain Redbeard Rum.

[Assistant] Well done. Just testing. And where would I find him on a Tuesday?


[User] Well, if I remember his habits, he’s usually up the Old Sea Dog.

[Assistant] Ah yes, and where is the Old Sea Dog?


[User] Aaaaaaahrrrrr Aaaaaaahrrrrr Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrr. Me laddy.

[Assistant] Ah-haah-ah, indeed. So, Rum, I wish to hire you and your ship. Can we shake on it?


[User] aah-ahhh! You have a woman’s hand, milord! I’ll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm.

[Assistant] Well, you’re right there.


[User] Ha ha ha. -Aah! Your skin milord. I’ll wager it ne’er felt the lash of a cat , been rubbed with salt, and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make fine stockings for his best cabin boy.

[Assistant] How canny, I don’t know how you do it, but you’re right again.


[User] Why should I let a stupid cockerel like you aboard me boat?

[Assistant] Perhaps for the money in my purse


[User] Ha. -Aah! You have a woman’s purse! I’ll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing-boat. I’ll wager it’s never had sixteen shipwrecked mariners tossing in it.

[Assistant] Yes, right again, Rum. I must say when it comes to tales of courage I’m going to have to keep my mouth shut.


[User] Oh! You have a woman’s mouth, milord! I’ll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish.

[Assistant] I must say, when I came to see you, I had no idea I was going to have to eat your ship as well as hire it. And since you’re clearly as mad as a mongoose I’ll bid you farewell


[User] Aaah, courtiers to the Queen, you’re nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl.

[Assistant] Better a “lapdog to a slip of a girl”, than a… Git.


[User] So you do have some spunk in you! Don’t worry, laddie, I’ll come, I’ll come

[Assistant] Well, let us set sail as soon as we can. I will fetch my first mate, and then I’ll return as fast as my legs will carry me.


[User] Ah! You have a woman’s legs, my lord! I’ll wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail, and swept into the sea before your very eyes.

[Assistant] Well, neither have yours.


[User] That’s where you’re wrong

[Assistant] Oh my God!


[User] No point in changing your mind now; no one else will come. The whole thing’s suicide anyway. What’s the first mate’s name?

[Assistant] Percy.


[User] A nautical cove?

[Assistant] Yes! Well… He’s a sort of wet fish. ——————–


[User] Brilliant! Oh my God, here he comes!

[Assistant] Oh, hello, Balders. Where the hell’s that cretin Percy; you haven’t seen him, have you?


[User] Yes, my lord! He’s hiding on the box!

[Assistant] Come on, jellybrain. Hurry up, otherwise we’ll miss the tide! ——————– Ma’am, I move that if during my journey I could believe that occasionally you did spare me a thought and, perhaps, go gooey again, I would deem my certain death a minor inconvenience.


[User] Oh Ned… I’ve written a poem!

[Assistant] Madam, I’m honored!


[User] - Oh, put a bung in it, Nursie. Now! I am sure Melchy and, uh- Wally, want to say something as well. “Wally”: Oh, yes indeed! Goodbye, Blackadder. I’d say “Bon Voyage,” but there’s no point. You’ll be dead in three months.

[Assistant] I love you, Walter, I hope you know that


[User] To ?Tilbury? me hearties! The wind is in the sails, the oars are in the locks! And we must awaaayyy!

[Assistant] Lady, it is my captain. Long on beard, short on legs.


[User] Edmund, then, this is it. Oh! Have you got clean underwear? And don’t eat foreign food. And watch out for strange men, and discover me a country, and bring me back a vegetable, and -oh- everything!

[Assistant] Madam! I shall do all I can. Farewell! And- don’t wait up.


[User] Oh, Sir Walter, Really! ——————–

[Assistant] Not joining us in the “ha-ha”‘s, Percy?


[User] No! I’m thinking of England and the girl I left behind me.

[Assistant] Oh, God; I didn’t know you had a girl.


[User] Oh, yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.

[Assistant] Caroline! I didn’t know you knew her.


[User] Oh, yes! I even touched her once.

[Assistant] Touched her what?


[User] Uh, once. In the corridor.

[Assistant] I’ve never heard it called that before . Here- when you get home in six months, you’ll be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on her twice.


[User] I fear not.

[Assistant] Why not?


[User] We’ve got no hope. No hope of ever returning.

[Assistant] On the contrary, we are certain to return!


[User] What?!

[Assistant] Because, me old sods, we are not going to the Cape of Good Hope at all.


[User] WHAT?!!

[Assistant] We are in fact going – to France!


[User] But, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered.

[Assistant] Well, precisely; it’s a trick. We just camp down in the ?Dardonnes? for six months, get a good suntan, come home, pretend we’ve been ’round the Cape, and get all the glory. Percy and


[User] A masterly plan, me young master. And one that leads me to make an announcement meself.

[Assistant] What’s that, Rum?


[User] Truth is, I don’t know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.

[Assistant] Well, what were you going to do?


[User] Oh, what I usually do. Sail ’round and ’round the Isle of Wight ’til everyone gets dizzy. Then head for home.

[Assistant] You old rascal. Still, who cares; the day after tomorrow we shall be in Calais. Captain, set sail for France! So. You Don’t Know The Way To France, Either.


[User] No! I must confess that, too.

[Assistant] Bugger! ——————–


[User] I’ll tell you something else. Edmund was right. You do smell of fish. Pooey! ——————–

[Assistant] Look, there’s no need to panic. Someone in the crew will know how to steer this thing.


[User] The crew, milord?

[Assistant] Yes, the crew.


[User] What crew?

[Assistant] I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice for a ship to have a crew.


[User] Opinion is divided on the subject.

[Assistant] Oh, really?


[User] Yahs. All the other captains say it is; I say it isn’t.

[Assistant] Oh, God; Mad as a brush. ——————–


[User] I fear that may be wishful thinking, Majesty. ——————–

[Assistant] Enter. So soon?


[User] You said today.

[Assistant] Yes, well, I’m not feeling very thirsty at the moment. I had an egg-cup full of stagnant water three weeks ago… Oh all right, come on, let’s get on with it.


[User] Should we drink each other’s or stick to our own?

[Assistant] Is Captain Rum joining us for this bring-a-sample party, or is he going to sit this one out?


[User] Oh no, he’s been swigging his for ages. He says he likes it. Actually, come to think of it, he started before the water ran out.

[Assistant] Oh, God. Well, let’s get on with it. It’s always the same, isn’t it; you get all keyed up and then you can’t go.


[User] I’ve done two bottles

[Assistant] All right, then; pour it out. That it should come to this, drinking Baldrick’s water.


[User] Say when. Rum : Land Ahoy!

[Assistant] Ah! France at last!


[User] Don’t look much like Southampton to me, my lord.

[Assistant] What?


[User] Well, those streams of molten lava and that steamy mangrove swamp. And that crowd of beckoning natives rubbing their tummies and pointing to a large pot.

[Assistant] Oh, God. ——————–


[User] Well, Madam, if they haven’t been eaten by cannibals, they should be back any minute now.

[Assistant] Ma’am!


[User] Edmund! You’re alive!

[Assistant] Oh, yes.


[User] But where is Captain Rum?

[Assistant] Uh, bad news, my Lady; Rum is dead.


[User] Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero’s death: giving his life that his friends might live.

[Assistant] And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.


[User] You mean they put him in the pot?

[Assistant] Yes, your fiance was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course. However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento. There.


[User] Oh, my lucky stars; I shall wear it always, to remind me of him .

[Assistant] However, Ma’am, I am now returned, and my mind cannot help remembering talk of wedding bells.


[User] No, I am completely bored with explorers! And if you haven’t brought me any presents, I’m going to have you executed!

[Assistant] Ma’am?


[User] I only let Raleigh off because he blubbed on his way to the block. Presents, please!

[Assistant] Ah yes, Ma’am. Um, yes. Well, there was one thing, Ma’am, a most extraordinary gift from the island paradise we visited.


[User] Hurry up!!


[User] Is it a stick,, Lord Blackadder?

[Assistant] Ah yes, Ma’am, but it is a very special stick. Because when you throw it away, it comes back!


[User] What else have you brought?

[Assistant] Um, yes, well, there was very little time what with picking the weevils out of biscuits and-


[User] -Melchy, what did I do with that spare death warrant? Oh, Edmund, it’s wonderful! But what about Melchy and Raleigh? You must have brought something for them as well. -Nursie’s got her beard, I’ve got my stick; what about the two boys?

[Assistant] Um, yes, well. There was one thing, Ma’am…


[User] good…

[Assistant] …A fine wine! A most delicious beverage!


[User] Oh yes, this is very familiar.

[Assistant] I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear that there is an inexhaustible supply! ————— END ————— Check out the Theme Tune from Blackadder Series 2! Go away.


[User] My Lord, there is someone at the door to see you.

[Assistant] Oh god. What time is it?


[User] Four o’clock.

[Assistant] Baldrick, I’ve told you before: you mustn’t let me sleep all day; this woman charges by the hour.


[User] No, My Lord, it’s four o’clock in the morning.

[Assistant] Someone wants to see me at four in the morning? What is he, a giant lark?


[User] No, he’s a priest.

[Assistant] Tell him I’m jewish.


[User] Aren’t you going to introduce me, then?

[Assistant] What?


[User] Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?

[Assistant] Oh very well, but I think you’re making a terrible mistake. Baldrick, I’m delighted to introduce you to … I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten your name.


[User] Mollie!

[Assistant] Of course, Mollie. Baldrick, this is Mollie, a dear friend of mine.


[User] I’m not dear. I’m very reasonable actually, Baldrick. Most girls would charge an extra sixpence for all the horrible things he wants to do.

[Assistant] Alright, alright. Baldrick, this is Mollie, an inexpensive prostitute. Mollie, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant. Now let me get some sleep.


[User] Well, what about this priest?

[Assistant] Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here, and what’s more, if he comes begging again, tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns babies at their christening and eats them in the vestry afterwards.


[User] Bye bye, Mollie!

[Assistant] Get out; go on! You’re a one, aren’t you? When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like “Goodness me, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets,” you don’t say a word, but enter the Creature From The Black Latrine and you won’t stop jabbering.


[User] He was treating me like a human being.

[Assistant] Look, if I had wanted a lecture on the rights of Man, I would have gone to bed with Martin Luther. Yes, what is it, Baldrick?


[User] It’s that priest. He says he still wants to see you.

[Assistant] And did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?


[User] I did, My Lord.

[Assistant] And what did he say?


[User] He said, “I am the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells!”

[Assistant] Good lord!


[User] You haven’t any children, have you, Blackadder.

[Assistant] No, no, I’m not married.


[User] In that case, I’ll skip breakfast and get straight down to business. Do you know what day it is today?

[Assistant] Er…


[User] It was exactly one year ago to the day that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod — “Banking with a smile and a stab” — of which I am the assistant manager, lent you one thousand pounds. Our motto is “Repayment or Revenge.”

[Assistant] Of course, and naturally I’d have paid you back, but — and this is the real bugger — I’ve gone and lost my wallet. Has that ever happened to you? Disasterous! It had all my things in it: all those little notes saying “Forget ye not” and, of course, all my money!


[User] That’s no concern of mine. The debt is now due. Failure to pay back a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we HATE SIN!

[Assistant] Ah. Erm, Your Grace, may introduce my mother … Mother, this is–


[User] And, as for you, you come with me.

[Assistant] Where?


[User] To visit the last poor fool who LOST HIS WALLET!

[Assistant] “William Greeves: born 1513 in Chelshood with the love of Christ; died 1563 in … agony with a spike up his bottom.”


[User] I think you get my message.

[Assistant] Erm, yes, yes indeed. But, tell me, Bishop, let me just test the water here, so to speak. Erm, supposing I was to say to you something like, “I’m a close friend of the Queen’s, and I think she’d be very interested to hear about you and Mollie and the wimple, so why don’t we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?”


[User] I would say, firstly, “The Queen would not believe you,” and, secondly, “You’ll regret calling me `Fatso’, later today!”

[Assistant] Ah.


[User] Oh! Poor Tom’s cold! Pity poor Tom, for his nose is frozen, and he does shiver, and HE’S MAD!

[Assistant] Oh shut up! So, lads, I’m up a certain creek without a certain instrument. Either I raise a thousand pounds by this evening, or I get murdered. What should I do?


[User] It’s obvious.

[Assistant] What?


[User] Oh, come now, Baldrick. A piffling thousand? Pay the fellow, Edmund, and damn his impudence.

[Assistant] I haven’t got a thousand, dunghead! I’ve got 85 quid in the whole world!


[User] But you’re always boasting to the Queen about how wealthy you are.

[Assistant] Ah, a cunning web of deceit, subtly spun about the court to improve my standing, unfortunately.


[User] What, do you mean you’ve been … fibbing?

[Assistant] Yep. My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers. I consider myself one of England’s finest liars. Oh, my god, Percy! A giant hummingbird is about to eat your hat and cloak!


[User] Oh no!

[Assistant] You see? I’m terrific at it.


[User] It seems to have gone now. Well, couldn’t you just dip into the family fortune?

[Assistant] There isn’t one. My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur dramatics. At the end, he was eking out of a living doing humourous impressions of Anne of Cleeves.


[User] Oh, Edmund, I am sorry — I had no idea. But do not despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested from my weekly allowance, set aside against my frail old age. By lucky haps, it is just over a thousand, methinks, and has for years has been hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock… Edmund and Percy: …under the squeaky floorboard… Baldrick, Edmund and Percy: …behind the kitchen dresser. You’ve seen it!

[Assistant] Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he’s got hidden inside that mouldy potato.


[User] Then you are doomed. Alas. For God’s sake, let us sit upon the carpet and tell sad stories.

[Assistant] Certainly not! When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about.


[User] You won’t be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom.

[Assistant] Well, exactly. But still, I’ve got 85 quid and that’s a start. I’m sure I’ll think of something, as long as I’m not disturbed.


[User] My Lord, the Queen dost demand your urget presence on pain of death.

[Assistant] Oh god! The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil’s own Satanic herd! Madam, you sent for me…


[User] Did I? I don’t remember. What a naughty scatterbrain I am! Zap!

[Assistant] Well, perhaps, Ma’am, if I might be allowed to withdraw, I have one or two tiny matters to attend to.


[User] And so naughty!

[Assistant] What, My Lady?


[User] I do know why I wanted to see you, and I just pretended I didn’t, and I fooled you. And it worked brilliantly, didn’t it!

[Assistant] It was terrific, Madam. I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split. So why did you want to see me?


[User] Or perhaps, Blackadder, you don’t think the Queen’s jokes are funny enough for you to be troubled with.

[Assistant] Au contraire. I’m ecstatic about the whole incident. I only didn’t laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did, my head would’ve fallen off.


[User] If you don’t start soon, your head will fall off! Now pay Melchy his 85 pounds and run along.

[Assistant] 85 pounds?


[User] We had a bet. I said that you wouldn’t fall for my trick, and Melchy said you would because I’m so super and you’re so stupid. So you owe him 85 pounds.

[Assistant] Fine, fine. I mean, it’s only money, isn’t it! I can not believe it! She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal Woolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door. Oh, shut up, Baldrick — you’d laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.


[User] Edmund, oh Edmund, I’ve awaited your return!

[Assistant] And thank God you did, for I was just thinking, “My god! I die in 12 hours. What I really need now is a hug from a complete prat!”


[User] But fear not, for I have a plan to save the life of my dear dear friend.

[Assistant] Look, I’m not interested in your bloody friends! What about me?


[User] Not bad, Edmund. That’s a good one.

[Assistant] Oh, alright, then. What’s your big plan, blockhead?


[User] I intend to discover, this very afternoon, the secret of alchemy — the hidden art of turning base things into gold.

[Assistant] I see, and the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent people since the dawn of time doesn’t dampen your spirits at all.


[User] Oh no; I like a challenge!

[Assistant] Well, Balders, I lost the 85 quid. The grave opens up before me like a … big hole in the ground.


[User] Well, I did have one idea, My Lord, but … nah, it’s stupid, you wouldn’t…

[Assistant] What is it?


[User] Well, I have heard there’s good money to be made down the docks, doing favours for sailors.

[Assistant] Favours? What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons — that kind of thing?


[User] Erm, not quite.

[Assistant] Baldrick!


[User] My Lord?

[Assistant] Are you suggesting that I become a rent boy?


[User] Well, good-looking bloke like you, posh accent, nice legs — you can make a . Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and, er, make the old sign.

[Assistant] I’d rather die.


[User] Oh, fair enough, that’s all right, then. I’ll just put the kettle on while we wait, shall I?

[Assistant] On second thought, with a slight alteration, your sick and sordid plan might just work.


[User] Give me a kiss and I’ll give you a penny.

[Assistant] A penny?!


[User] Well, alright then — tuppence!

[Assistant] Oh, all right, go on.


[User] Nothing fancy. Just a peck. I miss my mum, you see. When I a little kid, my mother always used to come up–

[Assistant] Look, get a move on! He’s a prostitute, not an agony aunt!


[User] Go on, please! Just a little peck on the cheek, and say, “There there, Arthur — Mummy’ll kiss it better, and you shall have a story.”

[Assistant] Well, I don’t know. Do you do requests, Baldrick?


[User] Oh, go on, please! I miss my mother so much. I mean, she was like a mother to me!

[Assistant] Well, alright, go on, Baldrick.


[User] I’ve forgotten what I’m supposed to say.

[Assistant] Get out of the way; I’ll do it. There there, Arthur . Mummy kiss it better, and you shall have a story.


[User] What kind of a story?

[Assistant] Well, I don’t know … one about a squirrel, I suppose. …and then Squirry the Squirrel went… Arthur and Baldrick: …”Neep neep neep!”… …and they all went home for tea.


[User] Ah, thanks very much, me ol’ shivering mateys! That was wonderful. Now then, how much do you charge for a good hard shag?

[Assistant] A thousand pounds.


[User] A thousand pounds? You’ve got to be joking!

[Assistant] Well, I’m sure we could negotiate. Right, so we’ve got sixpence.


[User] Yeah, now all we need to do, My Lord, is to go down the cockfights and put it on a bird that’s a dead cert but has got odds of forty thousand to one.

[Assistant] Know you of such a bird?


[User] No. But we could make one.

[Assistant] No we couldn’t, Baldrick. Oh god, I suppose you have to be told sometime. Sit down. What happens is: a mummy bird and a daddy bird who love each other very much get certain urges…


[User] No, no, My Lord. What I mean is: we could get a mad wild killer bull, and disguise it as a bird, but it’ll be such a strange-looking bird that no-one will back it, but we’ll know it’s a killer bull so we’ll put money on it.

[Assistant] Only we will know.


[User] Yeah — if we stick enough feathers on it and hang an egg between its legs.

[Assistant] Yes, alright, alright, Baldrick. A chat with you and somehow death loses its sting.


[User] My Lord, the Queen dost demand your presence on pain of death.

[Assistant] You’re not making any friends here, you do know that, don’t you, messenger! Madam, you sent for me again.


[User] Yes, Edmund. I wanted to apologise for the silly trick I played on you.

[Assistant] Ah.


[User] Thank you, Nursie. And thank you, Edmund.

[Assistant] That’s all…


[User] Yes. Thanks for coming. That was very funny too, wasn’t it?

[Assistant] My Lady?


[User] Dragging you all the way across town again just to say sorry for dragging you all the way across town the first time! It was Melchett’s idea. I think it’s wonderful, don’t you?

[Assistant] It’s fantastic. Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet of the world’s greatest living comedian.


[User] Oh, you are super, Edmund. Oh, Edmund, erm, I promised Lord Melchett that I would play Halfpenny with him, but we have no coin. Do you have a halfpenny?

[Assistant] Unfortunately, only a sixpence, Ma’am. What a shame!


[User] Oh, no — a sixpence will do just as well.

[Assistant] Oh, good! Oh god, this place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War! Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?


[User] My Lord! Success!

[Assistant] What?


[User] After literally an hour’s ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold. PURE GOLD!

[Assistant] Are you sure?


[User] Yes, My Lord! Behold!

[Assistant] Percy, it’s green.


[User] That’s right, My Lord.

[Assistant] Yes, Percy, I don’t want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold — that’s why it’s called gold. What you have dis- covered, if it has a name, is some green.


[User] Oh, Edmund, can it be true? that I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?

[Assistant] Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it’s not only a nugget as it is more of a splat.


[User] Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows? or dares to dream!

[Assistant] So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will.


[User] Thus so! I’m not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.

[Assistant] Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don’t you, Percy.


[User] Perhaps, My Lord.

[Assistant] That you, Percy — Lord Percy — are an utter berk! Baldrick!


[User] My Lord?

[Assistant] Pack my bags; I’m going to sell the house. Baldrick and Percy: What? There’s nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place, I know. I’ve had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street. …and this is the den.


[User] Ooh, dear.

[Assistant] But I have to tell you, Mr. Pants, that I’ve had an extremely encouraging nibble from another client, and I think you know me well enough to know that I’m not the sort of man to ignore a nibble for long.


[User] I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.

[Assistant] Well, Mrs. Pants, dry rot is what dry rot does. Stop me if I’m getting too technical.


[User] And the floor is a little uneven.

[Assistant] Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost!


[User] Strange smell.

[Assistant] Yes, that’s the servant; he’ll be gone.


[User] You’ve really worked out your banter, haven’t you?

[Assistant] No, not really. This is a different thing. It’s spontaneous and it’s called `wit’.


[User] What about the privies?

[Assistant] When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the sewage, he said to himself, “Romeo,” — for ’twas his name — “Romeo, let’s make them functional, and comfortable.”


[User] Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn’t it, Dear!

[Assistant] I think we understand each other, sir. So it’s sold, then. Drink?


[User] What about the privies?

[Assistant] Well, what we’re talking about in, erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall, fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation below.


[User] You mean you crap out of the window.

[Assistant] Yes!


[User] Well! In that case, we’ll definitely take it! I can’t stand those dirty indoor things.

[Assistant] There, that’s the lot. He only wanted to pay a thousand, but I managed to beat him up to eleven hundred.


[User] Oh, Edmund, you wily old trickster, you!

[Assistant] Oh, credit where credit’s due — I just named the price; it was Baldrick who actually beat him up. Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic?


[User] Ah! ’tis a brooch, My Lord — a brooch cunningly fashioned from pure green.

[Assistant] It looks like you’ve sneezed.


[User] It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here, a ring, that I intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your house!

[Assistant] You think there’s a big market for jewelry that looks like snot, then?


[User] My Lord!

[Assistant] The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Perce.


[User] My Lord–

[Assistant] Ah, messenger, thank God you came. Percy and I could not have waited another second without you. Majesty!


[User] Thank God you’ve arrived — terrible news!

[Assistant] What?


[User] The French intend to invade, Blackadder.

[Assistant] My god!


[User] But we’ve decided to make you a special case.

[Assistant] Oh, thank you, Ma’am!


[User] It would be awfully sweet of you.

[Assistant] Yes, well, unfortunately, Ma’am, I’m in the middle of a cash-flow crisis and I just haven’t got any money on me!


[User] But, Edmund…

[Assistant] Sorry.


[User] …what’s that in your tights?

[Assistant] Oh, good lord.


[User] It looks like … just over a thousand pounds!

[Assistant] So it is.


[User] I thought you said you didn’t have any.

[Assistant] Oh, I thought you meant real money. This is just a bit of loose change. I must have left it in my codpiece when I sent these tights to the laundry.


[User] Gosh, a thousand pounds just loose in your tights… That is flash! OK, hand it over. Thanks. ‘bye.

[Assistant] Well, goodbye indeed. ‘bye, Ma’am. Goodbye, Melchett. Goodbye, Nursie. Byeee…


[User] Ah! Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter!

[Assistant] Right, Balders, I’ve lost the money. I’m going to have to run away.


[User] Why, My Lord?

[Assistant] To avoid these monks, of course!


[User] No point — the Black Bank’s got branches everywhere.

[Assistant] Oh damn! If I die, Baldrick, do you think people would remember me?


[User] Yeah, of course they would.

[Assistant] Yes, I suppose so.


[User] Yeah. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing, and saying “Do you remember old Privy-breath?”

[Assistant] Do people call me `Privy-breath’?


[User] Yeah, the ones who like you.

[Assistant] Am I then not popular?


[User] Erm, well, put it this way: when people slip in what dogs have left in the street, they do tend to say “Whoops, I’ve trod on an Edmund.”

[Assistant] Bloody cheek! I’ll show them.


[User] What, have you got a plan, My Lord?

[Assistant] Yes I have, and it’s so cunning you could brush your teeth with it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait painter in England.


[User] I’ll get them right away, My Lord! My Lord, the most famous painter in England: Mr. Leonardo Acropolis.

[Assistant] Right, are you any good?


[User] No! I am … a genius!

[Assistant] Well, you’d better be, or you’re dead! Right, in the bedroom, Beardface. Baldrick, get the door.


[User] The time has come, Blackadder!

[Assistant] Oh, hello, Bish.


[User] The Black Monks will have their money, or I will have my fun.

[Assistant] You enjoy your work, don’t you?


[User] Bits of it, yeah.

[Assistant] The violent bits.


[User] Yes. You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral — I’ll do anything to anything.

[Assistant] Fine words for a Bishop. It’s nice to hear the Church speaking out for a change on social issues.


[User] Have you got the money?

[Assistant] Nope.


[User] Good. I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Blackadder. IT’S POKER TIME!!!

[Assistant] Fine. Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?


[User] No. No, no, I kill, I maim, I fornicate, but as far as my flock is concerned my only vice is a little tibble before Evensong. Oh, thank you. BEND OVER, BLACKADDER! THIS IS WHERE YOU GET– DRUGGED BY GOD!

[Assistant] No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same. Wakey, wakey, Bish. Dear me, you clerics really are sluggerbeds.


[User] Where am I? I remember…drugged…

[Assistant] That’s right.


[User] You should have killed me while you had the chance. You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Blackadder!

[Assistant] Well, I’m not sure about that. I did wonder, though, what people who saw this might think.


[User] Heavens above, what creatures from Hell are those?

[Assistant] They make an interesting couple, don’t they? I think you probably recognise this huge, sweating mound of blubber here, eh, Fatso? There’s no point, anyway; we have the peliminary sketches. We’ll soon bang off a couple of copies. Let’s see, one for the Queen, one for the Archbishop, a couple kept aside, perhaps, to form the basis of an exciting exhibition of a challenging young artist’s work.


[User] By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?

[Assistant] It’s beautifully framed, don’t you think? which is ironic, really, because that’s exactly what’s happened to you.


[User] You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?

[Assistant] No, I could never get used to the underwear. What I could use, though, is, let’s say eleven hundred pounds to buy back my house, four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expenses, ten shillings for the two doors, and let’s say throppence for a celebratory slapper binge at Mrs. Miggins’ pie shop…


[User] Yes, yes, but first, one question: Who is this second figure? Who could you have got to have performed such deeds, to have gone lower than man has ever gone, to have plunged the depths of degradation just in order to save your filthy life?!!!

[Assistant] Ah, Percy, may I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Bath and Wells. Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, Heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.


[User] Hello. It was lovely working with you. I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.

[Assistant] Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may rise above the savage and closer to God.


[User] Yes, I’ve heard that.

[Assistant] Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I’m best.


[User] Beshrew me, Edmund! You’re in good fooling this morning.

[Assistant] Don’t say `beshrew me’, Percy — only stupid actors say `beshrew me’.


[User] Oh, how I would love to be an actor! I had a great talent for it in my youth — I was the man of a thousand faces.

[Assistant] How’d you come to choose the ugly mug you’ve got now, then?


[User] Hah hah! Tush, My Lord.

[Assistant] …and don’t say `tush’, either! It’s only a short step from `tush’ to `hey nonny nonny’; and then, I’m afraid, I’ll shall have to call the police.


[User] My Lord…?

[Assistant] My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, the two most fanatical puritans in England, have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.


[User] But aren’t they the most frightful bores?

[Assistant] Yep, but they have one great redeeming feature — their wallets. More capacious than an elephant’s scrotum, and just as difficult to get your hands on…at least until now, for, tonight, they wish to discuss my inheritance.


[User] Hey nonny nonny, My Lord! Good news!

[Assistant] Baldrick! Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?


[User] To catch mice, My Lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.

[Assistant] …and do they?


[User] Not yet, My Lord.

[Assistant] Well, I’m not surprised — your breath comes straight from Satan’s bottom, Baldrick. The only sort of mouse you’re going to catch is one without a nose.


[User] That’s a pity, because the nose is the best bit on a mouse.

[Assistant] Any bit of a mouse would seem like luxury compared to what Percy and I must eat tonight. We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk, Balders; and that means no meat.


[User] In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.

[Assistant] and the surprise is…?


[User] …there’s nothing else in it except the turnip.

[Assistant] So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be…a turnip.


[User] Oh yeah…

[Assistant] Get the door, Baldrick, get the door…


[User] Well, now, if things go as planned tonight, it seems congratulations are in order…

[Assistant] Nice try, Percy, but forget it — you’re not getting a penny. Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give phenomenally good.


[User] You said, “Get the door.”

[Assistant] Not good enough. You’re fired.


[User] But, My Lord, I’ve been in your family since 1532!

[Assistant] So has syphilis. Now get out.


[User] , My Lord. Oh, by the way: there was a messenger outside when I got the door. He says the Queen wants to see you; Lord Melchett is very sick.

[Assistant] Really…!


[User] Yeah — he’s at Death’s door.

[Assistant] Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let’s go and open it for him, then!


[User] Edmund! Quick! Quick! Melchett’s dying! We must do something!

[Assistant] Well, yes, of course… er, some sort of celebration… But let’s wait until he’s actually snuffed it, shall we?


[User] It all started last night at about two o’clock. I was tucked into bed having this absolutely scrummy dream about ponies when I was wakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.

[Assistant] Well! I never knew he had it in him.


[User] It’s true, I promise! He was banging on the castle gate, falling over, and singing a strange song about a girl who possessed something called a…dicky-di-do?

[Assistant] Oh, yes, it’s a lovely old hymn, isn’t it… Well, Ma’am, I think I know what’s wrong with Lord Melchett, and, unfortunately, it isn’t fatal.


[User] …and letting off such great and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs! One can scarcely…one can’t believe one’s tiny nosy!

[Assistant] The truth is: Lord Melchett just can’t take his ale.


[User] Madam, I protest! I may be a little delicate this morning, but what I drank last night would have floored a rhinocerous!

[Assistant] …if it was allergic to lemonade…


[User] It’s Blackadder here who can’t take his ale — he’s famous for it!

[Assistant] Oh yeah?


[User] Yeah!

[Assistant] Yeah?


[User] Well, I’m sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the visit of the King of Austria when Blackadder was found wandering naked among the corridors of Hampton Court singing, “I’m Merlin, The Happy Pig!”

[Assistant] So, what did you have last night, then? a whole half-pint of potato juice?


[User] On the contrary! I had two flagons of claret and a double helping of curried turtle! I can assure you: it’s no holds barred with us at the annual communion-wine tasting.

[Assistant] Annual! Hah! For me and the wild boys, every night is drinking night!


[User] Says who?

[Assistant] Says me!


[User] Says you?

[Assistant] Yeah!


[User] eeaaaahh…

[Assistant] You ought to come around sometime and have a look at the underside of my table!


[User] Er, tonight?

[Assistant] Yeah! Come on, Melchy — what are you scared of?


[User] Hurray. and last one under the table gets…ten thousand florins from the loser.

[Assistant] Ma’am…? Er… right… Well, I’ll get the beer in, then.


[User] It certainly does. My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off…

[Assistant] Right, now; the sort of person we’re looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four year old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.


[User] Cardinal Woolsey…

[Assistant] Baldrick!


[User] My Lord…?

[Assistant] Why?


[User] I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, My Lord. I thought I’d try cat for variety.

[Assistant] Good. Well done. and now, returning to the real world: Do you have a knife?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Good, because I wish to quickly send off some party invitations, and, to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them in blood — your blood, to be precise.


[User] So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, My Lord?

[Assistant] Oh, nothing much — just a small puddle.


[User] Will you want me to cut anything off? an arm or a leg, for instance?

[Assistant] Oh, good lord, no — a little prick should do.


[User] Very well, My Lord; I am your bondsman and must obey.

[Assistant] For God’s sake, Baldrick! I meant a little prick on your finger!


[User] I haven’t got one there!

[Assistant] Forget it, forget it…


[User] Thank you, My Lord.

[Assistant] Right, now; Perce… How’s this list going?


[User] Oh, very well indeed. I thought we could invite my girlfriend, Gwendoline…

[Assistant] Sorry — no chicks. Who else?


[User] Well, that’s about as far as I’d got, actually.

[Assistant] Right. I’ll dictate. First: Simon Partridge.


[User] Oh, not Farter’s Parters, also known as Mr Ostrich…!

[Assistant] Even he…


[User] But he’s a fearful oik!

[Assistant] Takes one to know one, Perce. Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.


[User] Here’s-To-The-Health-Of-Cardinal-Chunder Piddle?

[Assistant] The very same… and, thirdly: Freddie Frobisher, the Flatulent Hermit of Lindisfarne.


[User] Oh, paugh paugh!

[Assistant] Right. That should do the trick.


[User] Oh! and, of course, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, who’ll be coming anyway…

[Assistant] Oh y– …oh, no…


[User] I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it.

[Assistant] Quite the wrong impression, Ma’am. I just want to make it another night, that’s all.


[User] Oh, shut up, Nursie.

[Assistant] Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is.


[User] Oh, Edmund… I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.

[Assistant] Right, now; let’s make sure you’ve got this. We are having two parties here tonight…


[User] Right.

[Assistant] …and they must be kept completely separate. Baldrick & Percy: Right. Firstly, a total piss-up — involving beer throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting — to be held here in Baldrick’s bedroom.


[User] Oh, thank you very much, My Lord!

[Assistant] Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready?


[User] Yes, it is, My Lord.

[Assistant] Then what is so funny?


[User] Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise — we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape…as a thingy!

[Assistant] …a thingy…


[User] …a great big thingy! It was terrific.

[Assistant] Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item…?


[User] Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.

[Assistant] Good, because there’s nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip.


[User] Absolutely, Edmund. …but it was jolly funny!

[Assistant] Yes, yes, yes…


[User] I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I’ve got a thingy that’s shaped like a turnip!

[Assistant] Yes, all right…


[User] I’m quite at parties…

[Assistant] are you…


[User] Yeah — I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.

[Assistant] What fun… Perhaps you’ve forgotten that I’m meant to be having a drinking competition here tonight with Lord Melchett, and ten thousand florins are at stake!


[User] Oh dear…

[Assistant] What do you mean?


[User] Well, firstly: you haven’t got ten thousand florins; and, thirdly: one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and start singing that song about the goblin.

[Assistant] That’s nonsense. … … … but just in case it’s true–


[User] It is true — I saw it!

[Assistant] Yes, all right, all right, it’s true, it’s true… So, the plan is: When I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?


[User] Yeah — when you call for ale, I pass water.

[Assistant] Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.


[User] Ah, I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman.

[Assistant] Oh god… Right, here goes… It’s all right… Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you.


[User] Wicked child!!! Don’t lie! Everyone hates us, and you know it!

[Assistant] Oh yes. Er, may I introduce my friend Lord Percy…?


[User] Be gone, Satan!

[Assistant] Er, yes, well, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance… Did I say `inheritance’? I meant `journey’.


[User] `Chair’? You have chairs in your house?

[Assistant] Oh, yes.


[User] Wicked child!!! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!

[Assistant] …and yourself…?


[User] I sit on Nathaniel — two spikes would be an extravagance.

[Assistant] Well, quite.


[User] I will suffer comfort this once — we shall just have to stick forks in our legs between courses. I trust you remember we eat no meat…?

[Assistant] Heaven forbid, no! Here, we feast only on God’s lovely turnip — mashed.


[User] Mashed?!

[Assistant] Yes…


[User] Wicked child!!! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub — for Satan saw God’s blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.

[Assistant] Ah.


[User] I shall have my turnip as God intended.

[Assistant] Fine. Baldrick!


[User] My Lord…?

[Assistant] Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please?


[User] Well, we’ve only got the one that–

[Assistant] Just do it, thank you. So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as God intended?


[User] He will not answer you; he has taken a vow of silence. Edmund! I trust you have invited no other guests…?

[Assistant] Oh, certainly not!


[User] Good — for where there are other guests there are people to fornicate with!

[Assistant] Well, quite. I’ll just go and tell them to fornicate off. Lord Percy…


[User] Erm, er, yes, er, well, Lord Whiteadder, er, a vow of silence… Now, that’s quite an interesting thing… Tell me about it.

[Assistant] But it’s not my birthday, Arch Deacon! Well, well, get stuck in, boys.


[User] Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn’t it! `Stuck in‘!

[Assistant] Er, sorry — back in a tick.


[User] Way-hey! `Tick’, eh, lads? Now; that sounds a bit rude, doesn’t it… That sounds a bit like `bum’.

[Assistant] Ah, Melchett — late, I see, to avoid the early drinking. Oh, Melchy, you really are a beginner — you’re not even wearing a pair of comedy breasts!


[User] Au contraire, Blackadder…

[Assistant] Yes, well, well, let’s wait until we get down to the really serious drinking, shall we?


[User] In here?

[Assistant] Er, no, no, it’s this way. Here we are.


[User] Good evening, er…

[Assistant] Lads, this is Lord Melchett. Er, give him a large one, will you?


[User] Oh yes! `Large one’!

[Assistant] You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first, Melchy, but you’ll soon get used to it. Well, er, down the hatch!


[User] I heard there was a party on.

[Assistant] No. Yes, there are two, and you are invited to neither.


[User] I’m a friend of Lord Percy.

[Assistant] Oh, you must be Gwendoline! You were invited anyway. Come in, do.


[User] Thank you very much.

[Assistant] It’s in here… I’m sorry about that.


[User] agh… agh…aaagh!

[Assistant] Sorry, he’s sick — leprosy…of the brain.


[User] That, or what he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be wearing a pair of devil’s dumplings!

[Assistant] Oh my god — my earmuffs have fallen down! It’s getting, er, would you like a pair? It is getting rather cold…


[User] No thank you! Cold is God’s way of telling us to burn more catholics!

[Assistant] Well, quite — which reminds me, Aunty–


[User] Don’t call me `Aunty’!!! `Aunt’ is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex, and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table.

[Assistant] …or, indeed, any table.


[User] …except, perhaps, a table in a brothel.

[Assistant] Oh dear, Percy, it seems you have fallen off your chair. Now then, what was I saying? Oh my god…


[User] Very good! Very good! You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back to our wedding night. We had raw turnips that night. What was that?

[Assistant] What was what?


[User] That noise.

[Assistant] Noise? Did you hear a noise, Percy?


[User] No…

[Assistant] Good.


[User] …apart from that colossal drunken roar.

[Assistant] Oh, that noise — it’s the catholics next door, I’m afraid. Er, but, I’ll, I’ll just go and burn them. Back in a minute. Yes?


[User] I’m suffocating!

[Assistant] Well, thank God you knocked. Come on, now, now, take a deep breath.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Good.


[User] I notice you’re not drinking, Blackadder…

[Assistant] Oh, don’t you worry about me, Melchers — I’m holding my own here.


[User] Way-hey! `Holding my own’! Now, that sounds incredibly rude!

[Assistant] Yes, well, I never went to university, of course.


[User] Er, Blackadder, it doesn’t explain why you’re not drinking with us.

[Assistant] Ah yes, no, that’s what I actually came to talk to you about, you see. What do you say about the idea of ten minutes absolute silence to get some really serious drinking in? Yes… I said, “Please give me silence” — not “drench me with dribble.”


[User] Well, now, here’s a nice glass of cider.

[Assistant] Oh, only cider? I’m going to go and put some brandy in it! So, how are we all going, then?


[User] Not well. Let us discuss your inheritance.

[Assistant] Ah, yes, good. Erm, a little drink, first?


[User] Drink?! Wicked child!!! Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell!

[Assistant] Oh, no, no — this is only water. This is a house of simple purity.


[User] Do you know that man?

[Assistant] No…


[User] He called you `Edmund’…

[Assistant] Oh, know him…oh, yes, I do.


[User] Then can you explain what he meant by `great booze-up’?

[Assistant] Yes, I can… My friend…is…a missionary…and…on his last visit abroad…brought back with him…the chief of a famous tribe… His name is Great Bu… He’s been suffering from sleeping sickness…and he has obviously just woken…because, as you heard, “Great Bu’s up”…


[User] Well done, Edmund…

[Assistant] …and I think I’d better just go and visit him… Perce, over to you…


[User] Blackadder! You challenged me to a drinking competition earlier today, and I haven’t seen you touch a drop!

[Assistant] Nonsense!


[User] It’s true! You, you twist and turn like a…twisty turny thing. I say you’re a weedy pigeon, and you can call me `Susan’ if it isn’t so.

[Assistant] Fine, all right. Baldrick, fetch my Incredibly Strong Ale…!


[User] Good god! Not Dr McGloo’s Amber Enema…?

[Assistant] Pah! — a drink for schoolgirls…


[User] Surely not Strollop’s Lobster Scrumpy…?

[Assistant] No — it is Blackadder’s Bowel Basher! …a brew guaranteed to knock the backside off a concrete elephant! …is it not, Baldrick?


[User] WHAT?

[Assistant] Eh, heh heh… No, but seriously, Baldrick — and presuming you wish to see another dawn…


[User] You did call for your Incredibly Strong Ale, My Lord…?

[Assistant] Yes, that’s right.


[User] Oh, that’s a relief; I thought I’d made a mistake.

[Assistant] Ah.


[User] Come on, lads — let’s give him a real drink!

[Assistant] Well, fine…


[User] Drink, Blackadder! Drink!

[Assistant] Percy, I’ve lost the bet.


[User] Edmund! Explain yourself!

[Assistant] I can’t — not just like that. I’m a complicated person, you see, Aunty… Sometimes I’m nice, and sometimes I’m nasty — hee hee! …and sometimes I just like to sing little songs, like: “See the little goblin, see his little–


[User] I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal’s hat, why you are grinning inanely, and …why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches!

[Assistant] I’m wearing a cardinal’s hat because I’m Cardinal Chunder; I have an ostrich feather up my bottom because Mr Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies — hah hah! — and I’m grinning inanely because I think I’ve just about succeeded in conning you and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance — hee hee hee hee hee!


[User] Is that right? May I remind you, cursed creature , that your inheritance depends upon your not drinking and not gambling.

[Assistant] Oh, yes — damn. Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.


[User] Not mentioning farts was also a condition.

[Assistant] Shove off, you old trout!


[User] Good.

[Assistant] Good riddance, you old witch! Whoops — she’s forgotten her broomstick.


[User] Oh, no… Don’t get too depressed, Edmund… I mean, money isn’t everything… Think of clouds and daisies and the lovely smiles on little babies’ faces…

[Assistant] Be quiet, Percy…


[User] Do you know who I am!

[Assistant] Yes! I know who you are! You’re Merlin, The Happy Pig!!!


[User] I certainly will…! First I’m going to have a little drinky, and then I’m going to execute the whole bally lot of you.

[Assistant] “See the little goblin, see his little feet / And his little nosy-wose — isn’t the goblin sweet?” “See the little goblin–


[User] I think it was something about an inheritance.

[Assistant] Look, do you lot want to hear about this goblin or not? Right! Well, perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue, and perhaps finish, with any luck…


[User] `Luck’? Hah hah hah! Way-hey! Get it? Oh, come on! `Luck’! Sounds almost exactly like `f–

[Assistant] Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you, where you’ll both rot in the filth of your own fornication!


[User] …and what did you say to him?

[Assistant] Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the privy window.


[User] Oh, Edmund! You’re so naughty!

[Assistant] Well, I try, Madam. And ten minutes later, when I’ve got my breath back, I try again…


[User] Edmund, what would you say?

[Assistant] Well, as you know, Madam, I’ve had experience of this dreadful situation. Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Ozrick.


[User] Well, then, you know something of the dreadful pain involved.

[Assistant] Indeed I do, and can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.


[User] Which was?

[Assistant] `Get stuffed.’


[User] Blackadder, you would jest over a young man’s life?

[Assistant] For `young man’ read `young idiot’. Look, anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed dago come up to them in a corridor, say, `Excuse me Meester,’ and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.


[User] Oh, hallo, you’re in good fooling this morning.

[Assistant] Thank you, Baldrick.


[User] I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day…

[Assistant] Oh, good.


[User] Excuse me, Meister…

[Assistant] Yes, what is it? I said `What is it?’ — not `Hit me hard on the head wi–‘


[User] Yes?

[Assistant] Oh, God, God, God. What on Earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there’s a Frenchman living in it. Where am I?


[User] Ooohhhh…

[Assistant] Who’s there?


[User] It is I: Melchett.

[Assistant] Melchett! You really ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know. It’s a real mess!


[User] This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We’ve been kidnapped!

[Assistant] Oh, God… How incredibly embarrassing!


[User] As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport!

[Assistant] Oh, God, who’s that? Just wait a minute! If anyone is going to be spoken to around here, it’s going to be me, alright? Tell him, Melchy.


[User] Ah, bueno. El Je’fe!

[Assistant] Ah, that’s better. Now, what’s he saying?


[User] He says he would like a word with you.

[Assistant] Uh huh. Anything else?


[User] Yes. He says he would like to torture you as well.

[Assistant] Right. Now, am I, by any chance, addressing a senior dignitary of the Spanish Inquisition?


[User] Te gusta, la de la Inquisicion!

[Assistant] Good… Because, if I am, I wish to make it quite clear that I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything.


[User] Habla puer

[Assistant] No speako dago. I demand to see the British ambassador, understand?


[User] Necesito silencio para comesa.

[Assistant] Oh for God’s sake! Look, how can you question me if you don’t speak English?


[User] No! Yo pregunto las questionnes!

[Assistant] Alright, let’s start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from dialects of….


[User] Bastardo!

[Assistant] Baa-taar-do… Barrister.


[User] Bastardo!

[Assistant] Embarrassing. You’re embarrassing. I’m embarrassing. Er, er, rogering! Er, pregnant! Baby! Baby! Bathwater! Sounds like… oh! `Bastard’!


[User] Si’! Si’!! No este terminado. Hijo. Hijo!

[Assistant] Donkey.


[User] Padre.

[Assistant] Big bastard…


[User] Hijo.

[Assistant] Little bastard.


[User] Padre…

[Assistant] Man…


[User] Hijo.

[Assistant] Boy. Man, father… Oh! `Son’! I’m a bastard’s son.


[User] Perra!

[Assistant] Thirsty… Thirsty bastard. Thirsty barking bastard. Oh, `dog’! Dog. Right, dog. Woman. Dog. Woman, dog…bitch! I’m a bastard son of a bitch!


[User] Si’!!! Si’!!!

[Assistant] In that case, you are a fornicating babboon.


[User] Que?

[Assistant] Oh dear. Er, you…


[User] Tu? Yo…

[Assistant] You, er, fornicating… Yes… I can’t really do it in this box…


[User] …tus testiculos.

[Assistant] My, um, ah yes, those, yes…


[User] …sobre un fuego grande.

[Assistant] …over a large…


[User] Fuego, fuego.

[Assistant] Oh, fire, fire. Ah good, so let’s recap. Um…if I admit that I’m in love–


[User] No! No!

[Assistant] Sorry — head-over-heels in love — with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument–


[User] Una , una polan~a.

[Assistant] …resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can’t quite . Um, and roast them over a large fire.


[User] Si’, si’.

[Assistant] Whereas if I don’t admit that I’m in love with Satan and…and…all his… his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade.


[User] …y…

[Assistant] And remove my testicles with a blunt…oh I see. Well, well, in that case, I love Satan.


[User] Ohh ho ho!

[Assistant] Oh, it’s a scythe…


[User] Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my appoloaggies.

[Assistant] I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.


[User] I hope this scum has not inconweenienced you.

[Assistant] It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience me.


[User] Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.

[Assistant] Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.


[User] Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder: if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.

[Assistant] Yes, well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?


[User] You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?

[Assistant] I don’t believe I had the pleasure.


[User] Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game at the Old Pizzle in Dover?

[Assistant] My God!


[User] Yes! I was the waitress.

[Assistant] I don’t believe it! You? Big Sally?


[User] `Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?’

[Assistant] …but I went to bed with you, didn’t I?


[User] For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

[Assistant] Yes, but I’m not! I must have been paralytic!


[User] Indeed you were, Mr. Floppy…

[Assistant] Yes, alright, alright . Now, would you mind–


[User] `Such a disappointment for a girl…’

[Assistant] Yes, alright, you’ve had your little joke.


[User] `It really doesn’t matter — we’ll try again in a few minutes. Have a look through these naughty parchments.’

[Assistant] Oh, yes, we are proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren’t we? Just because we can say `Zur’ instead of `Sir’, sense at all social gatherings the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.


[User] Be quiet!

[Assistant] What else have you got in your outstandingly inventive repertoire, I wonder… Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt. An hilarious black man: `See you, Jimmy, where am dat watty-melon’. I can’t wait for your side-splitting poof and that funny little croaky one who isn’t anyone in particular, but he’s such a scream. And most of all, I like the one you do all the time, that fatheaded German chamberpot standing in front of me.


[User] You know, you talk too much, Blackadder. I think it’s a case of werbal diarrhoea that you are having. I should, perhaps, tell you that I have given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand. Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.

[Assistant] She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.


[User] You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.

[Assistant] I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.


[User] You know, I think, I think that a week from now, you’ll be less in the mood for being amusing.

[Assistant] At least when I am in the mood, I can be amusing.


[User] The Queen says that she will pay only one ransom, `But it must be the last. Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.’ She has a difficult choice in front of her, has she not?

[Assistant] Not really. Bad luck, Melchers. Still… Life — huh! — overrated, I reckon.


[User] What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?

[Assistant] That all depends on whether you want the slop-bucket over your head or not.


[User] Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.

[Assistant] Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.


[User] For God’s sake, man! We must do something to relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us!!

[Assistant] Awaits you, Melchy — not me. How’s my beard looking?


[User] Alas! Shall I ever see England more? Her rolling fields, Her swooping swallows…

[Assistant] …and Her playful sheep. Ah, about time, too!


[User] Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.

[Assistant] Well, thank God; I’m sick of this place. The conditions are just disgraceful! Why, it’s like a prison in here!


[User] I shall read it to you.

[Assistant] Ah, typical master criminal — loves the sound of his own voice…


[User] …a big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I’ve decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy-jolly time and try to forget both of you. Hope you’re not too miffed. Byeeeeee!

[Assistant] WHAT?!


[User] `Hope you’re not too miffed. Byeeeeee!’ Well, as you can imagine, my friends, this makes me very unhappy.

[Assistant] Oh, I am sorry.


[User] But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to, let us say, gain access to your queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.

[Assistant] Are you suggesting we betray her?


[User] Oh yes.

[Assistant] Alright.


[User] Blackadder! What are you saying? What of loyalty? honour? self-respect?

[Assistant] What of them?


[User] So you will both play ball? M & E: Yep. Oh, what joy. See how you collapse before me you great and incorruptible English knobs. So proud of your great big stiff upper lips, hmm?

[Assistant] Gloating is a sign of insecurity, Ludwig — shove it. Now, do you want to know how to get to the Queen or not?


[User] My friends, I come to bid you farewell. These guards will eventually die of old age, but their sons will, I’m sure, go on attending to your needs.

[Assistant] Thank you for your concern, but, in fact, we intend to escape.


[User] With your information, gentlemen, I intend to bring down your Queen and country. The Master of Disguise will become the Master of the World!

[Assistant] Yes, er, one thing, Ludwig, just before you go…


[User] What?

[Assistant] Were you ever bullied at school?


[User] What do you mean?

[Assistant] Well, all this ranting and raving about power — there must be some reason for it.


[User] Nonsense! No, er, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity!

[Assistant] I thought so… and I’ll bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year!


[User] Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot again!

[Assistant] Touched a nerve there, I think…


[User] What good is it going to do us if we’re doomed to rot here until we die?

[Assistant] Nah, don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.


[User] Really?

[Assistant] Yes. Now that Ludwig’s gone, we should no trouble overcoming the guards. Germans are sticklers for efficiency and I’ve been watching their routine. I’ve selected the moment when they’re at their most vulnerable. That is when we will attack them.


[User] Brilliant! How?

[Assistant] That is the most cunning bit…


[User] Ein, zwei, ein zwei…

[Assistant] Right, now this is it. Don’t forget, when they are at their most vulner- able.


[User] Ein, zwei…Halt! Jingle the keys: Open the door! Greetings to the prisoners: Guten abend, Englander-scum! March to the table: Ein zwei, ein zwei, ein zwei…Halt! Food on the table: ein zwei! . Spit on the food: ein zwei! Insulting further gestures to the prisoners: ein zwei, ein zwei!

[Assistant] Now!


[User] OOOOHHH!

[Assistant] Trust me to get the hard one!


[User] Edmund who?

[Assistant] Edmund Blackadder!


[User] Oh!

[Assistant] Majesty…


[User] Oh, Edmund! But…

[Assistant] Did you ever know me to miss a party?


[User] But what about Lord Melchett?

[Assistant] Yes… Unfortunately, Ma’am, he made it too.


[User] Rapture! Joy beyond measure! Bliss which cannot be counted on one’s fingers!

[Assistant] Bbaaaaa…


[User] Sorry, Edmund?

[Assistant] Nothing…


[User] MMMMOOOOOOOOO!

[Assistant] Ah, yes. Thank you for reminding me.


[User] Yes?

[Assistant] Yes, and may I introduce you to our erstwhile captor, Prince Ludwig the Indestructible!


[User] No! No, no, no! You will — all of you — regret the day that you have mocked my complexion. I shall return and vreak my rewenghee!

[Assistant] No — you will die and be buried. all: Hurray! …strange man.


[User] But how did you know it was him?

[Assistant] This was the information with which we bought our lives. We told him that, if the Queen was having a party, Nursie always goes as a cow. From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.


[User] How could you be sure it was not Nursie?

[Assistant] Because, My Lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with a udder fixation. All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow. That was the mistake I knew that Ludwig would make. His disguise was too good!


[User] Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home.

[Assistant] Well, I must say, Ma’am, it’s good to be back.


[User] Welcome, Edmund. Did you…miss me?

[Assistant] I certainly did. Many was the time, Percy, I said to myself, `I wish Percy was here– `…being tortured instead of me.’


[User] Did you miss me, My Lord?

[Assistant] Ermmm… `Baldrick’, is it?


[User] That’s right.

[Assistant] No, not really.


[User] And me… did you miss me, Edmund?

[Assistant] Madam, life without you was like…a broken pencil.


[User] Explain…?

[Assistant] Pointless. Credits/Theme Song


[User] Baldrick

[Assistant] Edmund Blackadder


[User] Prince George

[Assistant] Well, Mrs. Miggins, at last we can return to sanity. The hustings are over, the bunting is down, the mad hysteria is at an end. After the chaos of a general election, we can return to normal.


[User] Oh, has there been a general election, then, Mr. Blackadder?

[Assistant] Indeed there has, Mrs. Miggins.


[User] Oh, well, I never heard about it.

[Assistant] Well of course you didn’t; you’re not eligible to vote.


[User] Well, why not?

[Assistant] Because virtually no-one is: women, peasants, chimpanzees , lunatics, Lords…


[User] That’s not true — Lord Nelson’s got a vote!

[Assistant] He’s got a boat, Baldrick. Marvelous thing, democracy. Look at


[User] Well, I may have the brain the size of a sultana …

[Assistant] Correct…


[User] …but it hardly seems fair to me.

[Assistant] Of course it’s not fair — and a damn good thing too. Give the like of Baldrick the vote and we’ll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning, and dung for dinner.


[User] So, who are they electing when they have these elections?

[Assistant] Ah, the same old : fat tory landowners who get made MPs when they reach a certain weight; raving revolutionaries who think that just because they do a day’s work that somehow gives them the right to get paid… Basically, it’s a right old mess. Toffs at the top, plebs at the bottom, and me in the middle making a fat pile of cash out of both of them.


[User] Oh, you’d better watch out, Mr. Blackadder; things are bound to change.

[Assistant] Not while Pitt the Elder’s Prime Minister they aren’t. He’s about as effective as a catflap in an elephant house. As long as his feet are warm and he gets a nice cup of milky tea in the sun before his morning nap, he doesn’t bother anyone until his potty needs emptying.


[User] Mr. Speaker, members of the House: I shall be brief, as I have, rather unfortunately, become Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams. I look forward to fulfilling my duty in a manner of which Nanny would be proud. I shall introduce legislation to utterly destroy three enemies of the State. The first is that evil dictator, Napoleon Bonaparte. The second is my old Geography master, Bananabreath Scrigshanks. But most of all, sirs, I intend to pursue that utter slob, The Prince of Wales! Why, this year alone, he has spent 15,000 pounds on banqueting , 20,000 pounds on perfume , and — most astonishing of all — an astonishing 59,000 pounds on socks! Therefore, my three main policy priorities are: 1 War with France; 2 Tougher sentences for geography teachers; and 3 A right royal kick of the Prince’s backside!! I now put upon the leader of the Opposition to test me on my Latin vocab.

[Assistant] Sir, if I may make so bold, a major crisis has arisen in your affairs.


[User] Yes, I know, Blackadder. I’ve been pondering it all morning.

[Assistant] You have, sir?


[User] Yes — socks! Run out again!! Why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have any?

[Assistant] Sir, with your forgiveness, there is another, even weightier, problem.


[User] They just…disappear! Honestly, you’d think someone was coming in here, stealing the damn things and then selling them off.

[Assistant] Impossible, sir. Only you and I have access to your socks.


[User] Yes, yes, you’re right. Still; for me, socks are like sex: tons of it about, and I never seem to get any.

[Assistant] Now, if I may return to this very urgent matter… I read fearful news in this morning’s paper.


[User] Oh no… Not another little cat caught up in a tree…

[Assistant] No, sir. There’s a vote afoot in the new Parliament to strike you from the Civil List.