[User] Now is the summer of our sweet content,

[Assistant] Hurray, hurray, absolutely! Hurray!


[User] Edna, fight you with us on the morrow?

[Assistant] Er, oh goodness, no! No, I thought I’d fight with the enemy!


[User] Yes… What a little turd.

[Assistant] Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?


[User] I saw it, My Lord.

[Assistant] Ah, and what is your name, little fellow?


[User] My name is Baldrick, My Lord.

[Assistant] Ah. Then I shall call you…`Baldrick’!


[User] …and I shall call you `My Lord’, My Lord.

[Assistant] Mmm. I like the cut of your jib, young fellow m’lad! How would you like to be my squire in the battle to-morrow?


[User] It will be a great day to-morrow for we nobles.

[Assistant] Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I’ll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.


[User] Well, we could if we wanted to!

[Assistant] Ah, but we won’t, Percy, and I shall prove to all that I am a man!


[User] But you are a man, My Lord.

[Assistant] But how shall it be proved, Percy…?


[User] Well, they could look up that tree in Rutland. , My Lord.

[Assistant] It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror!


[User] Hurray!

[Assistant] Come: a toast. Let all those who go to don armour to-morrow remember to `go’ before they don armour to-morrow! Hurray!


[User] Edmund? Edmund…

[Assistant] Hmm? Oh, Mother, what do you want?


[User] Did you want to go to the battle this morning?

[Assistant] Oh my god, it’s eleven o’clock!


[User] My Lord…

[Assistant] What is it?


[User] Where is this battle, then?

[Assistant] Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field… Damn, damn, damn! The first decent battle since I reached puberty…


[User] Here we are, My Lord…

[Assistant] Onward, Baldrick! To glory! Yes, erm, I’m not so sure we’re needed, you know, Baldrick… I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn’t it? Everyone’s fighting — clearly having the time of their lives. Wait a moment; some of them over there aren’t fighting! They’re… they’re just lying down!


[User] They’re dead, My Lord.

[Assistant] Ah. Damn, I knew I’d forgotten something. Would you excuse me a moment, Baldrick?


[User] So be it! A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

[Assistant] Who is this? Wait! That’s my horse! There, that’ll teach you! You won’t be doing that again, now will you? Oh my god. It’s Uncle Richard.


[User] What’s that, My Lord?

[Assistant] Hmm?


[User] Oh dear — Richard III. What are you going to do?

[Assistant] Well, quick, quick…


[User] My Lord! That hut there!

[Assistant] Come on! Come on! Will you wait! Will you wait! Ah, well done… Where’s the head?


[User] I thought you had it.

[Assistant] Baldrick, I can’t be expected to carry everything! Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute! Where have you been?


[User] I’ve just proved that I’m a man! Look what I’ve found!

[Assistant] Oh, thank God. Quick, Percy, quick — put it down and let’s get out of here!


[User] No no no no! I found it. It’s mine!

[Assistant] What do you mean it’s yours?


[User] I’m going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman!

[Assistant] And which nobleman, pray…?


[User] Lost! Lost! All is lost!

[Assistant] What?


[User] Flee! Flee!

[Assistant] Oh my god! Quick — let’s get out of here!


[User] Take me with you!

[Assistant] Get your hands off!


[User] If you leave me alone here, I’ll die.

[Assistant] If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll kill you myself! Now; leave him here, come on!


[User] I’ll give you money! Ten thousand sovereigns!

[Assistant] Mother!


[User] Edmund, dear. How did it go?

[Assistant] Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates!


[User] Oh, but, Edmund, I’m not ready — I haven’t had a bath or anything.

[Assistant] Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here, they’ll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle!


[User] My Lord!

[Assistant] What do you want?


[User] Listen!

[Assistant] Oh my god! They’re here already! Run for your lives! Run for the hills!


[User] Er, My Lord, they’re coming from the hills.

[Assistant] Oh, sorry. Run away from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, run the other way!


[User] No, My Lord, it’s all right — they’re flying the banners of our King Richard.

[Assistant] Well, that’s impossible — he’s dead, isn’t he!


[User] King Richard, dead?

[Assistant] Yes… Errr, God knows how…


[User] Oh, dear. That’s really upset the tulip cart.

[Assistant] Those flags, Percy, are obviously just a cunning trick to deceive us into staying!


[User] No, My Lord, I don’t think it is a cunning trick.

[Assistant] Well, no, it’s not a particularly cunning trick, because we’ve seen through it! But obviously they thought it was cunning when they thought it out.


[User] What I mean, My Lord, is that I don’t think they did think it out.

[Assistant] What, you think someone else thought it up, and they’ve borrowed it for the occasion?


[User] No, My Lord. I don’t think it’s a trick at all.

[Assistant] You don’t think that riding up to a castle under someone else’s banner is a trick? Well, no, I suppose it isn’t!


[User] Yes, yes, in a moment… The woman’s insatiable! Three cheers for good King Richard! Hap hap! Hap hap!

[Assistant] Huzzah…


[User] Is this true?

[Assistant] Errr, well, I wouldn’t know, really. I was…nowhere near him at the time. I… I just…heard from someone that he’d, er… er… I mean, I don’t even know where he was killed. I was completely on the opposite side of the field. I was nowhere near the cottage. …not that it was a cottage — it was a river. But, then, I wouldn’t know, of course, because I wasn’t there. But, apparently, some fool cut his head off…or at least killed him in some way…perhaps…took an ear off or something. Yes, yes, in fact, I think he was only wounded! er, or was that somebody else? Yes, I think it was. Why, he wasn’t even wounded! Why, did someone say he was dead?


[User] This day has been as ’twere A mighty stew In which the beef of victory Was mix’d With the vile turnip Of sweet Richard slain And the grisly dumpling Of his killer fled. But we must eat The yellow wobbly parts Well, come on — let’s go and kill some more prisoners. Hap hap! Hap hap! Hap hap!

[Assistant] Hurray! We’re safe! and I am a prince of the realm! Hap hap! Can you imagine the power…


[User] …and it’s ours! all ours!

[Assistant] What?


[User] Yourscould be `Coverdale’

[Assistant] Lord Coverdale…


[User] …who fought on our side, I believe.

[Assistant] Er, yes… I think Lord Coverdale saw me slaying, erm… …Warwick.


[User] Warwick the Wild of Leicester?

[Assistant] Yes, that’s him — and pretty wild he was, too! He took some finishing off, I can tell you!


[User] Yes, indeed — I killed him myself at one point. Anyone else?

[Assistant] Erm…erm…let me see… Just trying to put names to faces…


[User] Yes, well, this is the list of the lords as yet unaccounted for: Roger de Runcie…

[Assistant] Oh, de Runcie, yes, he was one of mine.


[User] Lord Thomas of Devon…

[Assistant] Ah, yes, backslash…


[User] Lord Yeovil…

[Assistant] Ah, yes, groin job…


[User] Good lord! This is remarkable, Edmund! Remarkable! Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells–

[Assistant] Ah, yes, will never walk again!


[User] …will conduct the thanksgiving service.

[Assistant] Oh, Bath and Wells…


[User] Ah, Lord Percy! Edmund tells me that you managed to turn up late for the battle, so there’s not much point in asking you your score, is there?

[Assistant] Ha hah!!!


[User] Ha hah…

[Assistant] At last I can relax! Who the hell is this?


[User] Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage?

[Assistant] The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle under any circumstances?


[User] Mm hmm, yes, that’s the one, yes.

[Assistant] So what is he doing in my bed?


[User] Well, he claims to be a wealthy man. I thought, if we nurse him back to health, he may reward us.

[Assistant] No, wait — I think I have an idea… If he is a wealthy man, and we nurse him back to health, he may reward us!


[User] Oh, brilliant, My Lord — very quick thinking. Edmund and Percy: Thank you, Baldrick.

[Assistant] Well, what would you expect? After all, who has the fastest brain in the land?


[User] Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!

[Assistant] Who is the boldest horseman in the land?


[User] …Duke of Edinburgh! /

[Assistant] Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?


[User] Oh, don’t tell me! It’s that from Norfolk…

[Assistant] PRINCE… Baldrick and Percy: Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh! Precisely. Or, as I shall be known from now on: The Black… Vegetable!


[User] My Lord, wouldn’t something like `The Black Adder’ sound better?

[Assistant] No, wait — I think I have a better idea… What about: The Black… Adder!


[User] Very witty, My Lord.

[Assistant] Ah, thank you, Baldrick.


[User] Very very very witty, My Lord.

[Assistant] Ah, thank you, Percy.


[User] …and head and shoulders over Richard III!

[Assistant] IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE WITTY?


[User] Er, no, My Lord… No, no…that…that was…an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to…

[Assistant] GO AWAY! Baldrick and Percy: Yes, My Lord. Ah, you’re still here, are you?


[User] Er, yes.

[Assistant] Wait a moment — haven’t I seen you somewhere before?


[User] I don’t know. I feel I’ve seen you before, also.

[Assistant] Well, I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV! Why? Who are you?


[User] Well, erm, I’m, er, not important.

[Assistant] Not important? You mean you’re not rich?


[User] No. Yes! Yes, I’m incredibly rich! I’m…I’m a very wealthy, errm, modest person, who wishes to remain nameless.

[Assistant] Well, you’d better be rich. Get your money together, get better, and get out of my bed, is that clear?


[User] Oh yes, very fetching. …and hello to you.

[Assistant] Uh, uh, er, hello…hello…er…goodness me…I hadn’t… expected…to see you…like this.


[User] Sitting down, you mean?

[Assistant] Er, yes, yes, that’s right: sitting down. Goodness, look! Look! You’re sitting down.


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Why, I haven’t seen you sitting down since, er…hoo…


[User] Yesterday?

[Assistant] Was it only yesterday? Good lord! Erm, errr…well… How was your battle?


[User] Fine. Somebody cut my head off at one point, but otherwise everything went swimmingly. …and how are you, Edna?

[Assistant] Er, Edmund.


[User] Your father told me `Edna’.

[Assistant] No…


[User] So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot, how are you?

[Assistant] Er, how…how very very kind of you to ask, erm, Your Majesty… I’m very well, and, er, and it’s very good to see you, because, frankly…


[User] Yes?

[Assistant] Well, well, well, frankly…er… Gosh, you look well.


[User] Frankly what? Spit it out, you horrid little scabby reptile!

[Assistant] Er, well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.


[User] Well, frankly, I am.

[Assistant] Eugh!


[User] Do come in.

[Assistant] No! Don’t come in!


[User] Why not? Have you got someone in there with you?

[Assistant] Erm, not as such…


[User] Is it a woman?

[Assistant] No!


[User] Is it a man?

[Assistant] Err, err, yes, yes it is.


[User] You hesitated, Edmund — it’s not a sheep, is it?

[Assistant] No, of course it isn’t a sheep!


[User] So, farewell, Edna! You’ll be seeing me later.

[Assistant] Erm, have, er, have you got…transport? Erm, perhaps you’d like to borrow my horse again… or at all! I mean, not that you’ve borrowed it before…


[User] Are you all right, Edmund? Why, you look as though you’ve just seen a ghost!

[Assistant] Er, yes?


[User] Hurry up, anyway — you’re expected at the banquet!

[Assistant] Erm, look, er, Mother, er… You won’t tell anyone about my oversleeping, er, this morning and… and what have you, now will you?


[User] Now, would I, Edmund… Do I tell people that your brother Harry is scared of spoons? or that your father has very small private parts?

[Assistant] Oh! Mother!


[User] Oh, Edmund! It’s the lying I find so hurtful…

[Assistant] Baaaa… So sorry I’m late…


[User] HOLD! YOU DARE SIT THERE, BOY? That was King Richard’s seat! Would you insult his ghost?

[Assistant] Eugh, erm, no, no — sorry.


[User] Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little dog’s pizzle!

[Assistant] Eugh!


[User] It was him!

[Assistant] Oh my god!


[User] Well then get on with it, you stupid oaf — he’s there!

[Assistant] It wasn’t me!


[User] The idiot who killed me this afternoon!

[Assistant] I didn’t!


[User] Now that we have silence, we shall continue with the ceremony of desecration. Produce the portrait of the pretender, Henry Tudor!

[Assistant] Oh my god!


[User] Good evening.

[Assistant] Where’s Henry Tudor!


[User] Baaaa!

[Assistant] Oh no! Where is he? Where is he? Thank you…thank you so much. Witches tutti: Oooh!


[User] Slayer of kings!

[Assistant] Be gone, hideous crones!


[User] Be not paralysed with terror…

[Assistant] Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?


[User] We bear good news.

[Assistant] What news could such repulsive harbingers convey?


[User] One day… Witches tutti: O, happy day!

[Assistant] Yes? Witches tutti: You shall be king! Really? Witches tutti: Yes! Your Majesty! Well, that is good news, isn’t it? God be with you, you snaggletoothed vultures! History, here I come!


[User] My Lord, with the King gone…

[Assistant] Hmmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! Caption: Twelve months later On! Onward! I want you scum back to the castle by sundown, or you’ll all be slaughtered! Onward! Come on! Come on! Keep going! I’ve just about had enough of you!


[User] Bbbbaaaaa!

[Assistant] Shut up!


[User] Bbaaaa!

[Assistant] Come on! No, that’s not the way you’re going. Stop! Where are you going? No, not away from the castle!


[User] Bbbaaa!

[Assistant] Shut up!


[User] Splendid! Splendid!

[Assistant] Now look, you’re not supposed to be here. That’s far enough, now get out! If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Harry…


[User] Ah, Edmund! . Edmund? Ah, there you are. Splendid news, Edmund — Father’s coming home! He writes here that he’ll be back by St. Leonard’s Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate both events together! Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the guards of honour, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort out the frolicks.

[Assistant] The frolicks?


[User] Yes, the Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women — you know: the traditional St. Leonard’s Day entertainments. Oh damnation, though, I don’t think I’m going to have enough time to attend to the drains. Edmund, you’ll have to look into those as well.

[Assistant] Oh, er, yes, fine, fine. I’d, I’d be honoured.


[User] Good. You won’t let me down, now, will you?

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. I’m, I’m really looking forward to it already. Thank you so very much.


[User] Splendid!

[Assistant] Twelve months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits, and now this! The bastard! The BASTARD!


[User] If only he were, My Lord.

[Assistant] What?!


[User] If only he were a bastard, My Lord, then you would be Regent now.

[Assistant] Ah, yes. And then, one day….


[User] You would be King, My Lord.

[Assistant] Ah yes, yes. I would be King! And then what?


[User] / You’d rule the world, My Lord! /

[Assistant] Precisely! It’s just not fair, you know. Every other damn woman in the court has bastard sons, but not my mother, oohhh no… She’s so damn pure, she’d hate to look down in case she notices her own breasts.


[User] I wish I’d married one.

[Assistant] No, no; fine, fine; it could’ve happened to anyone. Never mind, never mind. Oh, God, I don’t believe it. We’ve only got one act, and she shaved her beard off.


[User] There’s always the eunuchs, My Lord.

[Assistant] Oh yes, so? The eunuchs and the Amazing Beardless Woman. What a . Percy, there must be someone else, there must be! Look…


[User] Ah, there’s The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem, My Lord.

[Assistant] What do they do?


[User] They jump, My Lord.

[Assistant] What?


[User] They come in, My Lord, and they jump … a lot. It’s a humourous act.

[Assistant] Nah dah dah! There must be something else, surely! Ah, what’s this? ” `The Death of the Pharoah’: Sir Dominick Prique and His Magnificient Wooferoonies perform the tragic ancient Eygptian masterpiece, `The Death of the Pharoah’.” Well, that sounds funny.


[User] No, no, no — I find that very moving, My Lord.

[Assistant] Well, it better be funny, or Prique will get his come-uppance, I can tell you. Now, book him.


[User] My Lord, what about Jerry Meriwether and His Four Chickens.

[Assistant] What do they do? Lay eggs?


[User] Yes, My Lord.

[Assistant] Oh, all right, all right, we’ll have them, we’ll have them.


[User] Wha– what is it, My Lord?

[Assistant] The eunuchs have cancelled.


[User] Oh dear.

[Assistant] Ha! I should have known — never trust a eunuch!


[User] What are we going to do?

[Assistant] Well, I know what I’m going to do. Baldrick, give me an execution order. I’m gonna teach them a lesson they’ll never forget. I’ll remove whatever extraneous parts of their bodies still remain.


[User] My Lord…

[Assistant] Take that to Lord Chancellor, thank you. Oh God, this is desperate! Desperate!


[User] We could have the Morris dancers, My Lord.

[Assistant] Now look, we are not that desperate! Morris dancing is the most fatuous entertainment ever devised by man — forty effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth they’ve just wiped their noses on… How it’s still going on in this day and age, I’ll never know.


[User] Ah, Edmund!

[Assistant] …and rest.


[User] Oh, splendid! and how are the rest of the entertainments coming along?

[Assistant] Erm, very very well indeed. Umm, I think it’s going to have a slightly Spartan look.


[User] What, Greek?

[Assistant] Er…yes, that’s right. Yes, um…Greek.


[User] Oh good. Everyone turning up?

[Assistant] Oh absolutely everyone. So many people in fact, I’m afraid I’ve had to let the eunuchs go.


[User] Oh no no no no no no!

[Assistant] No?


[User] Yyyyyes, that’s right.

[Assistant] Well, that’s why I thought it might be more tactful if–


[User] Oh no no no no no no no. To leave out the eunuchs on St. Leonard’s Day would be like, well, it would be like leaving out the Morris dancers, or the bearded women! Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus, the King’s Supreme Commander, is expected at the feast, and, as you know, eunuchs are his particular favourite.

[Assistant] Hmm?


[User] He’s Scottish, you see.

[Assistant] Ahhhh!


[User] Good, good. Well, I’m relying on you, Edmund. Carry on.

[Assistant] So! Some carrot-faced, thistle-arsed Scottish orangutan wants a eunuch, does he?


[User] Apparently he’s a great warrior, My Lord…

[Assistant] Yes, that’s what they all say, those Scots. They’re just barbarians! Half of them can’t even speak English.


[User] What do they speak?

[Assistant] I don’t know — it’s all Greek to me.


[User] They speak Greek?

[Assistant] No, I mean it sounds like Greek.


[User] Well, if sounds like Greek, it probably is Greek.

[Assistant] It’s not Greek!


[User] …but it sounds like Greek. “What’s not Greek but sounds like Greek?” That’s a good one, My Lord!

[Assistant] Look, it’s not meant to be a brainteaser, Percy! I’m simple telling you that I cannot understand a blind word they’re saying!


[User] Well, no wonder, My Lord — you never learned Greek, of course.

[Assistant] Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides look like?


[User] Sometimes, My Lord, yes.

[Assistant] Then I’d be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiousity! Is that clear? Is it? Oh my God, this Scotsman’s beginning to annoy me already. I’m the Duke of Edinburgh, you know, and Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles. I can make things very difficult for him. As for these entertainments, oh, I don’t know… Baldrick, you’ve got a beard — go and get yourself a nice dress.


[User] Oh, great, My Lord!

[Assistant] Percy, you’d better go and get Bernard the Bear Baiter…


[User] Yes, My Lord.

[Assistant] …looks like we’ll be needing him. Oh, and, Percy…


[User] Yes, My Lord?

[Assistant] Tell him to bring a bear this time. The improvising last year was pathetic!


[User] Ah, the eunuch! Here’s a groat for your trouble.

[Assistant] Agghh, I am not a eunuch.


[User] You sound like one to me.

[Assistant] I am not a eunuch. I am the Duke of Edinburgh.


[User] Oh, you are, are you?

[Assistant] Yes!


[User] Same old story, eh? The Duke of Edinburgh’s about as Scottish as the Queen of England’s tits! Sorry — ahem, mere phrase, Your Majesty.

[Assistant] I’m sorry, you’re in my chair.


[User] McAngus, as reward for your heroic deeds in battle, my father here empowers me to grant you anything that you may desire of me.

[Assistant] If he’s got any sense, he’ll ask for a haircut.


[User] My Lord, I’m honoured. All I ask for is a scrap of land. Grant me fair Selkirk, and the noble sire of Roxburgh.

[Assistant] What?!


[User] Very well. By the power invested in me–

[Assistant] Er, excuse me… Erm, I’m sorry to dip my little fly in your ointment, but, er, those lands do, in fact, belong to me.


[User] Yes?

[Assistant] Well, so, perhaps, perhaps he’d like to choose somewhere else.


[User] No, no; I’ll have Roxburgh and Selkirk.

[Assistant] But that leaves me with Peebles!


[User] Oh, aye! and Peebles.

[Assistant] B– b– but…


[User] Are you trying to say something, Edmund?

[Assistant] Well, I don’t know, I mean, some people might say, “Well! What an absurd idea, giving away half of Scotland to a kilted maniac for slaughtering a couple of syphillitic Turks!” Au contraire! I say, “Let’s reward him.”


[User] Good, good! So be it!

[Assistant] Hurray! I’m gonna kill him, and I’m gonna kill him now!


[User] Who, My Lord?

[Assistant] That stinking Scottish weasel!


[User] Why, My Lord?

[Assistant] Because he’s a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that’s why!


[User] How?

[Assistant] I’m gonna stab him!


[User] Where?

[Assistant] In the Great Hall and in the bladder!


[User] But if you do it in front of everybody, won’t they suspect something?

[Assistant] Ah, yes — a drawback. Yes… Perhaps we need something a little more cunning.


[User] I have a cunning plan.

[Assistant] Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.


[User] Well, mine’s pretty cunning, My Lord.

[Assistant] Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.


[User] Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord.

[Assistant] Well, pretty damn cunning. How cunning do you think I mean?


[User] Well, mine’s quite cunning, My Lord.

[Assistant] Alright, then, let’s hear it! Let’s hear what’s so damn cunning!


[User] Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you–

[Assistant] Oh yes, very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask him to come with me and then…then stab him, perhaps. How cunning can you get?


[User] No, My Lord — you get this enormous great cannon–

[Assistant] Oh, I see, I take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off.


[User] …blow it off! Yeah!

[Assistant] Oh, yes, Baldrick, that’s …that’s a wonderful idea. No! I think I have a plan that will give us a little more entertainment. Aaahhhhh!


[User] Can I help you?

[Assistant] Um, no, no. I’m fine, thank you.


[User] Good.

[Assistant] I’m not in your way over here, am I?


[User] No.

[Assistant] Oh, there is just, er, one thing. Um…I was wondering if you could do me a little favour.


[User] Uh huh?

[Assistant] Erm, I was wondering if you’d like to help with the celebrations tonight.


[User] How? By staying away, d’you mean?

[Assistant] Erm, well, the thing is: um, we were hoping to present a mystery play by one of our leading Thespianic troupes, erm, but, unfortunately, one of their number is ill, erm, and I thought you’d be the perfect person to … to take his place.


[User] Well, I warn you : I’m no actor.

[Assistant] Well, there shouldn’t be much acting required. Erm, it’s an ancient Egyptian piece, er, called `The Death of the Scotsman’.


[User] I’ll have a crack at it.

[Assistant] You…you could play the Scotsman, if you like, who…who dies at the end of the play.


[User] Oh! Acting dead! Now that I can do.

[Assistant] Yes, well, as I say: there…there may not be much acting required.


[User] Oh, and er, mind the weasel pit.

[Assistant] Aaahhhhh!


[User] Tall trees! Let’s see those branches waving and swaying in the breeze. Taller, taller, taller. Now smaller! Small trees, very small…

[Assistant] Ah, Sir Dominick! Have you made the necessary changes?


[User] Yes, My Lord.

[Assistant] Ah! McAngus! Meet your murderers.


[User] You see your mother there? I met my father on my way back from France. Apparently, him and your mother used to way-hey-hey!

[Assistant] Look, don’t be absurd; such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.


[User] Don’t you believe it. I got some letters I took , and — by God! — they’re hot stuff! I tell you, they certainly cast a wee shadow of doubt over the patronage of young Harry for a start!

[Assistant] Look, don’t be absu–


[User] Silence!

[Assistant] What?!


[User] Oh that’s my cue! I’m on! /

[Assistant] Letters? Letters? Where are these letters?


[User] They’re safely hidden away. I’ll show you them later.

[Assistant] Oh, all right. \ \ /


[User] Aye, it is. What business do you mean?

[Assistant] Quick! Oh my God! McAngus is going to die!


[User] Theiving Scots weasel! Baldrick and Percy: Death to the Scot!!!

[Assistant] No, no! Look, he knows too much!


[User] That is why he must die!

[Assistant] No, he musn’t! He musn’t! He has vital information. I’ve changed my mind! I’ve changed my mind! Oh my God! What am I going to do?


[User] Er, stop the show, My Lord.

[Assistant] How? How?


[User] Just say `Stop!’

[Assistant] What’s our reason? What’s our reason for stopping the show?


[User] Because the knives are real and McAngus is just about to get killed.

[Assistant] Oh, you bastard!


[User] Go on, My Lord! Quick!

[Assistant] Stop! Sorry I’m late.


[User] Oh, aye! Auugh!

[Assistant] Good, excellent! It’s certainly my mother’s handwriting. When did you say these were written?


[User] Er, 1460.

[Assistant] The year my brother was born… Baldrick, get in here! Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] `Why’? Because I told you to, you silly little rat!


[User] No — why have they been cancelled, My Lord?

[Assistant] Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to make.


[User] Does that mean I have to take the dress off?

[Assistant] Oh get out, get out, get out! Out out out out!


[User] Y’know, if you played your cards right, you could become King.

[Assistant] Ah yes, one day.


[User] Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father, he’d just charged Constantinople when they shut the gates on him.

[Assistant] Oh?


[User] I liked Bernard the Rabbit Baiter!

[Assistant] Thank you, thank you.


[User] Look, Edmund, is this announcement going to take long? I haven’t seen hide nor hair of a eunuch yet.

[Assistant] Oh, don’t worry, Harry — it will soon all be over. My dear mother, my dear brother, lords and ladies of the court: Today, there came into my possession, from the hands, My Lord, of your faithful servant, Dougal McAngus, certain letters — rather extraordinary letters — concerning the lineage of Prince Harry.


[User] Letters?

[Assistant] Well, Harry, they were written by your mother to your father. Your father, Harry, being, of course, Donald, Third Duke of Argyll.


[User] I beg your pardon!!!

[Assistant] These letters are of quite an intimate nature. Let me give you an example. “Arundel; Thursday. My dear Hairy-wairy: Often when you sit at table with my husband, probing deeply into the affairs of state, I long for the day when you will probe deeply–”


[User] Edmund! Are you sure you know what you are saying?

[Assistant] As sure as our mother was, Harry, when she wrote these words: “Dear Big-boy: Sail south! As you know, your galleon is always assured a warm welcome in my harbour.”


[User] Then I must renounce the Regency and hie me to a monastery. Edmund, you shall be Regent until … your father returns.

[Assistant] The King will not be returning.


[User] Oh dear.

[Assistant] No, when McAngus last saw him, he was facing half the Turkish army, armed only with a small piece of cutlery. So, Percy, if you’d like to start things off…


[User] What?! Oh, yes! Of course — Enid!

[Assistant] My beloved father, certain letters have come to light which might change things a bit around here.


[User] Letters? What letters?

[Assistant] They speak of acts of love between your wife and Donald, the Gay Dog of the Glens. “How I long to be in that kingdom between the saffron sheets where you and your ruler are the only ruler.” And then acts of love consummated, “Oh, you enormous Scotsman,” et cetera. And these letters are dated November and December 1460, which, Harry, in relation to your date of birth, is precisely nine months–


[User] But about nine months before your birth, Edmund!

[Assistant] YOU BASTARD!


[User] Silence! I want an explanation!

[Assistant] Er, My Liege, the reason I have gathered you all here today is to try to get some proper justice meeted out against this Scottish turd who has clearly forged these obviously fake letters!


[User] Let me see them!

[Assistant] No, I rip them up in his face so that no hint of their filthy slander can remain. You come in here, fresh from slaughtering a couple of chocos when their backs were turned, and you think you can upset the harmony of a whole kingdom? I challenge you to a duel!


[User] …to the death!!!

[Assistant] Erm… yes, alright.


[User] Let’s see the Black Adder wriggle out of this one!

[Assistant] Er, look…


[User] Come on! What’s the hold up?

[Assistant] Er, I’ll give you everything I own! Everything!


[User] Uh huh?

[Assistant] I’m, I’m hardly a rich man.


[User] You’re hardly a man at all!

[Assistant] But, but my horse must be worth a thousand ducats. I can sell my wardrobe — the pride of my life — my swords, my curtains, my socks, and my fighting cocks. My servants I can live without, except perhaps he who oils my rack. And then my most intimate treasures: my collection of antique codpieces, my wigs for state occasions, my wigs for private occassions, and my wigs — heh — for humourous occassions; my collection of pokers, my , my ornamental , and, of course, my autographed miniature of Judas Iscariot.


[User] That’s nowhere near enough! Och, I’m only kiddin’! Actually, I’m quite interested in the wigs. Hey! I hope life doesn’t become too dull now that you won’t be able to pass laws over Scotland.

[Assistant] I wouldn’t pass water over Scotland.


[User] No, Edmund’s giving him a last look round the castle now.

[Assistant] …while this…


[User] The drains!

[Assistant] Father! Harry! There’s been rather a messy accident. You must come quickly!


[User] I think not.

[Assistant] Ah, Baldrick! What news?


[User] Well, My Lord, an informed source tells me that the Duchess of Glouceister has given birth to twin goblins.

[Assistant] No, no, no! About the Duke of Winchester!


[User] He must be on his last legs by now, My Lord.

[Assistant] Yes, but how many sets of legs has that man got? Really, I wish he’d make up his mind — either he dies, or he lives forever! It’s his shilly-shallying that’s so undignified.


[User] My Lord, I come with tragic news.

[Assistant] What, died at last, has he?


[User] Who, My Lord?

[Assistant] Oh, I see. Now the idea is that you ask me what the message is before you tell it to me! Quite brilliant, I must say. I was referring to the Duke of Winchester.


[User] Who, My Lord?

[Assistant] Right. Let’s try to sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we? Someone has died, yes?


[User] Yes, My Lord.

[Assistant] Who is it that has died?


[User] The Archbishop of Canterbury, My Lord.

[Assistant] Are you a cretin?


[User] Yes, My Lord.

[Assistant] The Archbishop of Canterbury? Oh no, the King has done it again! That’s the third this year. How did this one die?


[User] Horribly, My Lord.

[Assistant] Any details?


[User] I’ve heard it! Will you go away? Oh, dear, Edmund: The Archbishop of Canterbury has met with the most tragic accident! There seems to be some confusion, but I think I’ve fathomed out on how it came about.

[Assistant] Yes, I think I’ve got a pretty shrewd idea myself.


[User] You see, Archbishop Godfrey was coming out of the Duke of Winchester’s room–

[Assistant] …who had just died, leaving all his lands to the Church?


[User] Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

[Assistant] And so the King was really after his blood, presumably.


[User] Well, I dare say, but the point of the matter is that, at that moment, round the corner, came Sir Mortimer.

[Assistant] The King’s hired killer…


[User] No, no, no. Mortimer — that tall, rather striking fellow with no ears.

[Assistant] Yes, that’s him.


[User] Well, he saw the Archbishop and rushed towards him with his head bowed, in order to receive his blessing, and, er, unfortunately, killed him stone dead.

[Assistant] How?


[User] Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet.

[Assistant] Oh, I see, yes — one of those with the two feet spike coming out of the top?


[User] It’s one of those things they normally use for butting their enemies in the stomach and killing them stone dead.

[Assistant] Yes, so, presumably he’d forgotten he was wearing it.


[User] Well, do you know, that’s exactly what the poor fellow had done! A tragic accident…tragic.

[Assistant] Ah yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertrum being struck by a falling gargoyle while swimming off Beachy Head.


[User] What a tragic accident, My Lord.

[Assistant] Accident, my coddlings!


[User] Who do you think will take over?

[Assistant] Oh, I don’t know. It’ll be one of the bishop fellows, I should imagine. They tend to go for religious types.


[User] Rumour has it, My Lord, that the King wants to choose Prince Harry.

[Assistant] Oh really?


[User] Prince Harry, Archbishop, My Lord…?

[Assistant] Good lord! Prince Harry, Archbishop! And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don’t we?


[User] Yes! They go to Canterbury.

[Assistant] No no no no no no no!


[User] Oh yes!

[Assistant] Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?


[User] Yeah, it was Jane Smart. You know: she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt.

[Assistant] Oh yes! She’s quite reliable! Well! With Harry gone , The Black Adder will be… Percy and Baldrick: King! … next. Yes. Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far. Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremonies.


[User] Certainly, My Lord. Hat, My Lord?

[Assistant] Trojan, I think.


[User] Boots, My Lord?

[Assistant] The Italian.


[User] …and codpiece, My Lord?

[Assistant] Well, let’s go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies the clergy! Have you heard any more good rumours, Baldrick?


[User] Not really, My Lord. Apparently Lord is keeping a sheep in his bedroom — but nothing on the appointment, no.

[Assistant] Ah, fair enough.


[User] What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund?

[Assistant] Like what, sorry?


[User] Well, this enormous nonsense here!

[Assistant] Fingers crossed…


[User] Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last — after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insub- stantial Friend, the Holy Ghost — decided upon the next Archbishop. May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.

[Assistant] Fat chance!


[User] Keep going, keep going. Use both hands! Very good, very good… Well done, well done, Harry. Enter!

[Assistant] Your Majesty.


[User] Ah! My Lord Archbishop.

[Assistant] Um, there were just a couple of points, um, about my appointment, um, before things really up.


[User] Yes?

[Assistant] Um, personally, could I–


[User] No, you couldn’t!!!

[Assistant] Oh, fine. And, er, secondly–


[User] Don’t be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I’ve always despised you.

[Assistant] Well, you are my father, of course. I mean, you’re biased.


[User] Oh, My Lord, you flatter me!

[Assistant] And me also, Your Majesty.


[User] So now, my boy, when I’ve at last found a use for you, don’t try to get out of it!

[Assistant] No no no no no! No, certainly not. I just thought that perhaps another man, um, equally weak-willed and feeble, might do just as well.


[User] Hah! There’s no such man!

[Assistant] Oh, no, no, of course not. Oh silly me. Er, er, I thought, though, perhaps, you know, someone who believed in God…


[User] No no no no no no. If I needed someone who believed in God, I’d have chosen Harry — not an embarrassing little weed like you.

[Assistant] Oh, well, I think that’s everything cleared up. Goodness, it must be almost time for evensong. Must be going.


[User] You understand?

[Assistant] Well, I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you so much. Flee! We’ve got the thumbscrews, the footcrusher, the nosehooks, those long rods you ram around, er… Oh! Where’s the dwarf?


[User] Here, My Lord.

[Assistant] Oh, good. Right, let’s go, come on!


[User] Archbishop!

[Assistant] Hail…


[User] Going somewhere?

[Assistant] Umm, yes…


[User] Where?

[Assistant] C– Canterbury…?


[User] Um, boat to France?

[Assistant] Um, you off to France, Percy?


[User] I thought we all were.

[Assistant] No, no, uh, Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren’t we, Harry?


[User] Oh, I see — you’ve changed your plan.

[Assistant] No, no, not really. The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure, and the keep a reasonable distance. That’ll be fine. Harry…?


[User] …and another thing that bothers me, Your Grace: suppose my right hand offends me, and I cut it off, well, what if my left hand offends me as well? I mean, what do I cut it off with?

[Assistant] Er, yes, yes, that is a knotty one…


[User] Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?

[Assistant] Um, yes.


[User] His investiture over, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow of his father’s threat hung over him, until, at last, one day…

[Assistant] Tell me, Brother Baldrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?


[User] I don’t know, My Lord, but I can’t imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other.

[Assistant] Oh my God, this is it! Baldrick, go and get my Lord Bishop of Ramsgate!


[User] Eh?

[Assistant] Get Percy! Get Percy! My life is hanging by a thread!


[User] Not yet, and even if he did arrive–

[Assistant] Wait!


[User] Too late!

[Assistant] Get out of my way!


[User] I’ll kill the pair of you! Like I killed your brother! I’ll abolish the Church!

[Assistant] My Lord! My Lord! Argh! I said out. Get out! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!


[User] Am I in Paradise?

[Assistant] No, no, not yet.


[User] Then this must be Hell. Alas, spare my posterior!

[Assistant] No, no, you’re all right — it’s England.


[User] And you are not Satan?

[Assistant] No, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury.


[User] No, you treacherous swine! I’ll kill you!

[Assistant] No! Wait! Wait! Let’s just take this through in stages, shall we? Erm, you know, the Church doesn’t really need more land…


[User] GET OUT!!

[Assistant] Someone like you go to Hell? Never. Never!!


[User] But I have committed many sins.

[Assistant] Haven’t we all, haven’t we all…


[User] I murdered my father…

[Assistant] Well, I know how you feel.


[User] …and I have committed adultery…

[Assistant] Well, who hasn’t?


[User] …more than a thousand times…

[Assistant] Well, it is 1487!


[User] …with my mother.

[Assistant] WHAT?


[User] Kill that bishop!

[Assistant] Well, well, let’s take Hell: You know, Hell isn’t as bad as it’s cracked up to be.


[User] What?

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. No, you see, the thing about Heaven, is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, like, uh, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants…


[User] Ew…

[Assistant] Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is for people who like the other sorts of things: adultery, pillage, torture — those areas.


[User] Really?

[Assistant] Mm! Give your lands to the Crown, and once you’re dead, you’ll have the time of your life!


[User] Adultery? Pillage? Through all eternity?

[Assistant] Yep!


[User] Amen.

[Assistant] Amen. You’re a very lucky man! I wish I could be coming with you, but, you know, being the Archbishop…


[User] I’m so sorry.

[Assistant] Oh no, that’s alright.


[User] My son!

[Assistant] Father!


[User] Father.

[Assistant] My Son. Two knights on horseback ride down a lane, past the peasants Cain and Abel;


[User] Well, they went straight off and killed him, of course!

[Assistant] Right, now let’s get down to business, shall we?


[User] Business, My Lord?

[Assistant] Yes. Baldrick has been looking at some of the ways we could actually make a bit of money on this job.


[User] Well, basically, there appear to be four major profit areas: Curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favours of nuns.

[Assistant] Selling the sexual favours of nuns?


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] You mean some people will actually pay for them?


[User] Well, foreign businessmen, other nuns, you know…

[Assistant] Ah. Well, let’s start with the pardons, shall we?


[User] Right. Well, this is a fair selection. Basically, you seem to get what you pay for. They run all the way from this one, which is a pardon for talking with your mouth full, signed by an apprentice curate in .

[Assistant] Ah. How much is that?


[User] Two pebbles. …all the way up to this one, which is a pardon for “anything whatsoever, including murder, adultery, or dis- memberment of a friend or relative.”

[Assistant] Who’s that signed by?


[User] Both popes. Curses are pretty much the same, really. I got this one for half an egg.

[Assistant] “Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head.”


[User] Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats.

[Assistant] “Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awk- ward moment.”


[User] Yes!

[Assistant] Really?


[User] But this is disgraceful, My Lord! All of these are obviously fake!

[Assistant] Hah, yes!


[User] But, but how will people be able to tell the difference between these and the real relics?

[Assistant] Well, they won’t! That’s the point!


[User] Well, you won’t be able to fool everyone! Look : I have here a true relic.

[Assistant] What is it?


[User] It is a bone from the finger of Our Lord. It cost me 31 pieces of silver.

[Assistant] Good lord. Is it real?


[User] My Lord, I’ve got something to say that’s going to shock you.

[Assistant] It’s the one about the nuns from Uppingham and the candelabra, don’t bother — I’ve heard it.


[User] No. The fact is: there are two men outside who’ve come to kill you.

[Assistant] WHAT??


[User] Oh, come on! Honestly, Baldrick! Just because a couple of people a bit of breeding , you assume they’re bound to be mindless killers!

[Assistant] Oh my God! There’s no way out! Oh, God! Help us!


[User] Oh, damn. They must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery. Little sisters of indolence, three men came in. Which way did they go?

[Assistant] Oh, I think they went that way.


[User] And a man!

[Assistant] Er, I think I can explain. …and that, sweet lady, is the whole story.


[User] Let us go over the facts again. Having been appointed Archbishop, you found that all your interests lay in the beauty of your vestments?

[Assistant] Ahh, the fine embroidery…


[User] Unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in the habit of a nun.

[Assistant] I could not resist the texture of the Hessian underthings.


[User] Ooh, I can understand that! Then, you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate and one Brother Baldrick to do so also.

[Assistant] Oh, may I be cursed for it!


[User] And finally, you got two knights drunk and invited them to come and wrestle with you inside the nunnery in an orgy of heathen perversity?

[Assistant] That’s it, Your Grace.


[User] Shame it has the unmistakable ring of truth to it, and I must therefore tell you that this morning I have written urgently to all three popes recommeding your immediate excommunication. Nevermore may you be Archbishop of Canterbury!

[Assistant] Oh dear!


[User] That’s enough, Sister Sara; I think he’s learnt his lesson.

[Assistant] Sorry?


[User] Go, sinner, and meet thy doom!

[Assistant] Quick! The nunnery’s on fire!!


[User] ‘morning, My Lord.

[Assistant] ‘morning.


[User] My God, what’s happened to your neck?

[Assistant] Erm, er, well, well, well, well, they’re love bites, actually!


[User] Look more like dog bites to me.

[Assistant] Well, yes, yes, she was, erm, a bit of an animal!


[User] Really, My Lord!

[Assistant] Oh yes!


[User] Fight to the death, eh!

[Assistant] Oh yes. Well, as my tutor, Old Bubbleface used to say, “Make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease.”


[User] Actually, I’d be prepared to swear they were dog bites.

[Assistant] They are not dog bites! She was very attractive.


[User] Yeah: shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes…

[Assistant] No, Baldrick! It was a woman!


[User] Fair enough, My Lord.

[Assistant] Right. Now that’s sorted out. Percy, what are we up to today?


[User] Well, My Lord, first, I thought that you and I might get out a couple of prisoners, and actually I think Baldrick may have a point there; they do look rather like dog bites.

[Assistant] Yes, yes, all right, all right! They’re dog bites! They’re dog bites! I’ve got bitten by a dog! A woman pushed me off off a rampart because she thought I was so hideously ugly, and I got ravaged by a raving dog! Does that satisfy you?


[User] Yes, My Lord, yes!

[Assistant] Good! Excellent! Good! Right! Yes, Percy, you were saying?


[User] Right, My Lord. Well, I thought that we might…so it wasn’t a woman?

[Assistant] No! It was a dog! It was a dog! It was a bloody great dog! Ar ar ar ar ar ar ar!


[User] Right, My Lord.

[Assistant] Ar!


[User] Yeah.

[Assistant] Shut up! I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again.


[User] What about dogs?

[Assistant] …or dog– Shut up, Baldrick. I never want to see a woman again. If any woman wants to talk to me, you can warn her: The Black Adder is a venomous reptile, and women are his prey. Enter! Unless you’re a woman, in which case, prepare to be thrown out of the window!! with your dog… Messenger 3: My Lord, I bring a message. Yes, obviously — you’re a messenger. Messenger 3: You are engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain. What? Messenger 3: My Lord, I bring a message. You are engaged– Yes, yes, yes… Ah… Go on, get out. Get out! Out, out, out! Well, boys, did you hear that? I am to marry the Infanta of Spain.


[User] Yes, My Lord. Shall I go and tell her?

[Assistant] What?


[User] “The Black Adder is venomous reptile–”

[Assistant] No, no, no! This is no ordinary woman, Percy. This is a beautiful royal princess. Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like.


[User] Ah, bienvenido a nuestro castillo. Espero que encuentre los desagues a sus satisfaccion.

[Assistant] Hmm?


[User] It’s Spanish. It means “Welcome to our castle. I hope you find the drains to your satisfaction.” Well, here you are ; I’ve jotted it down for you. It should help to break the ice with the Infanta. Oh, by the way, I don’t think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg.

[Assistant] No. How do you do, young lady?


[User] Well, good luck. Er, bienvenu a notre chateau, Caroline. J’espere que vous trouvez……

[Assistant] Luxembourg, hah!


[User] My God, have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with jealousy?

[Assistant] No, I haven’t!


[User] Seethe, seethe, seethe. If he goes on seething like that much longer, he’ll turn into a seethe.

[Assistant] Baldrick, what are you talking about?


[User] My Lord…

[Assistant] Yes, what is it?


[User] You know, they do say that the Infanta’s eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.

[Assistant] Mm! … What?


[User] The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.

[Assistant] And what’s that, exactly?


[User] Well, it’s a famous blue stone, and it comes from Galveston.

[Assistant] I see. And what about it?


[User] Well, My Lord, the Infanta’s eyes are bluer than it, for a start.

[Assistant] I see. And have you ever seen this stone?


[User] No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it’s very very blue indeed.

[Assistant] And have these people seen the Infanta’s eyes?


[User] No, I shouldn’t think so, My Lord.

[Assistant] And neither have you, presumably.


[User] No, My Lord.

[Assistant] So, what you’re telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.


[User] Yes, My Lord.

[Assistant] Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole in the head… …an affliction of which you must be familiar, never actually having had a brain.


[User] Hello.

[Assistant] Hello. Here I am awaiting the arrival of the most beautiful, ravishing–


[User] Hello!

[Assistant] Look, leave me alone, will you, I’m trying to talk to someone. …while you’re wittering away like a pox-ridden \ moor hen– \ /


[User] You are the true love of my life, my love, my love!

[Assistant] What? Percy, is he a friend of yours? Someone you ? \


[User] I am the Infanta!

[Assistant] What? No-one told me you had a beard! Ha!


[User] Must be Jeremy of Estonia!

[Assistant] The very


[User] Esto la Infanta!

[Assistant] Well, absolutely…


[User] Your nose is smaller than I expected.

[Assistant] I have suffered no similar disappointment.


[User] ???? and their gizzards. Messenger 1: My Lord, news… What? Messenger 1: The Spanish Infanta has arrived. Ah, good news! Soon we will have Spain in our grip. Messenger 2: My Lord, news… What? Messenger 2: The King of France sends his greetings. Ah, good news! My diplomacy triumphs. Messenger 3: My Lord, news… What? Messenger 3: Lord Wessex is dead. Ah– This news is not so good. Messenger 3: Pardon, My Lord? I like it not. Bring me some other news. Messenger 3: Pardon, My Lord? I LIKE NOT THIS NEWS! BRING ME SOME OTHER NEWS!!! Messenger 3: Yes, My Lord! Messenger 4: My Lord, news… What? Messenger 4: Lord Wessex is not dead. Ah, good news! Let there be joy and celebration; let jubilation reign! Messenger 4: Yes, My Lord. Oh yes : and tell Osmund that, to further strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow. Messenger 4: Yes, My Lord. Chiswick, fresh horses!

[Assistant] Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I’ll be married to a walrus!


[User] But, My Lord, you can’t just lock her out, you know.

[Assistant] Well, you may be right. That should hold her for at least a minute!


[User] Wait a moment, My Lord. I think I may have a plan to get you out of this marriage.

[Assistant] Yes, but it’s a stupid plan, Percy, let’s face it!


[User] Oh, well, yes, yes, maybe you’re right.

[Assistant] But… tell me what it is anyway.


[User] Er, no, actually I don’t think I’ll bother, My Lord.

[Assistant] Oh, please, please tell me what your plan is, please tell me, please tell me.


[User] All right: I go along to the Infanta’s room and tell her that you’ve gone mad. She comes to the door, and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then — and this is the cunning bit — instead of saying `oink oink’, you say `mooooo’!

[Assistant] Then…?


[User] Well, then she’ll know you’re mad, and leave!

[Assistant] You were right, Percy — you shouldn’t have bothered.


[User] My Lord…

[Assistant] What?


[User] I also have a plan.

[Assistant] Yes?


[User] Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?

[Assistant] But I do, Baldrick, I do!


[User] No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, intimate company of men…?

[Assistant] You don’t mean…like the Earle of Doncaster…?


[User] I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.

[Assistant] That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.


[User] Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?

[Assistant] Well, no-one wou– Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earle of Doncaster! … except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?


[User] Well, first we’ve got to get you looking right. Just need to drape something effeminate round your shoulders.

[Assistant] Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.


[User] Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practise with Percy.

[Assistant] Practise what?


[User] Presentation, My Lord!

[Assistant] Oh, I see.


[User] Attractive?

[Assistant] You know, like the Earle of Doncaster.


[User] Good lord! Well, er, fair enough.

[Assistant] No, you act normal! I’m the Earle of Doncaster!


[User] Oh, I see.

[Assistant] It’s me… Right.


[User] Right. Go!

[Assistant] Oh my God, this is impossible! I can’t do this!


[User] Never mind. I’ve a couple more things that might help.

[Assistant] Percy, Percy, what am I going to do?


[User] Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation.

[Assistant] Ah, right. Erm…


[User] Hello there!

[Assistant] Er, hello. How are you?


[User] I’m fine. Have you heard? Prince Edmund’s going to marry the Spanish Infanta.

[Assistant] No he damn well isn’t!!! And anyone who ! Do you hear me?


[User] Yes, that’s the kind of thing!

[Assistant] Look out, here she comes!


[User] Immediately, My Lord.

[Assistant] Right. Quick, quick! Oh my God!


[User] Ah, some lark for the stag party, wot?

[Assistant] Erm, yes, yes, that’s right.


[User] Actually, I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the wedding feast. I thought perhaps I’d go for a fruit motif.

[Assistant] Yes…?


[User] Something like, er, “It is with extrawberry pleasure that we welcome you, er, may you be the apple of your husband’s eye, and may he, in turn, cherries you…” — `Cherish’, you see — “…even though it’s an oranged marriage.” Good, eh?

[Assistant] Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.


[User] OK, My Lord, this is it.

[Assistant] Right… Oh, Mother, for Chrissakes, what do you want?


[User] Oh! Nothing, nothing…

[Assistant] dit dit dit dit! It’s working… It’s working…


[User] Oh, I embrace and love you utterly!

[Assistant] What?


[User] Oh, what a love this must be that you dress as a Spanish man to delight me!

[Assistant] Oh, Baldrick!


[User] What love, what love, what love.

[Assistant] Baldrick, you fool!


[User] Look at the two lovebirds!

[Assistant] One lovebird and one love-elephant!


[User] It’s almost as if they were married already.

[Assistant] What did you say?


[User] It’s almost as if you were married already!

[Assistant] That’s what I thought you said! Boys… Baldrick & Percy: Yes, My Lord. I think I have another plan. in a corridor, Baldrick knocks a monk — Rev. Lloyd — unconscious; Edmund runs down a field where a man is on one knee, giving a bundle of flowers to a woman; Edmund, still in his `effeminate’ dress, runs between them, ending up with the flowers; Percy chats with a woman — Tally — in a small cottage; she smiles surprised and giggles when she hears what he says. Percy, is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying the woman!


[User] Yes, I know, but it’s only for a couple of days, isn’t it…

[Assistant] Ah yes, that’s true. Come on, hurry up, Father!


[User] Yes, that’s right. Whoever would have thought it? The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tally!

[Assistant] Shut up!!! Come on, get on with it, Father, will you?


[User] Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

[Assistant] No, I’m a bowl of soup! Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up…


[User] Er, Mrs. … Ah…

[Assistant] Ah…


[User] Ah…

[Assistant] Well, never mind, get on with it, Father, come on!


[User] Yes, but surely if she’s–

[Assistant] Look, the Church is never going to progress if it isn’t just a bit adaptable!


[User] But this is most unusual! Well, mind you, hasn’t the Church always dealt with the unusual? The miracle with the fishes, for example. We’ll continue. So, no-one knows any cause or just impediment why these persons may not joined together in holy matimony.

[Assistant] No.


[User] …Smith! I called about the ducking-stool you found.

[Assistant] Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering whether I could possibly have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. I only need her for a very short stint…


[User] Get out!!!

[Assistant] Look, you stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife!


[User] Mummy, mummy, how much I love him!

[Assistant] I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this — the most depressing night of my life.


[User] Well, My Lord, at least you can take solace from one thing.

[Assistant] What’s that?


[User] You can be pretty sure your wife’s a virgin.

[Assistant] Or at least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she wasn’t, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you’ve still got to be a virgin.


[User] Oh, no… No… NO!

[Assistant] Yes! Yes! YES!


[User] Please, My Lord, I beg you to reconsider.

[Assistant] Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I’d take it.


[User] But I’ll die in there.

[Assistant] Don’t worry — we’ll give you a hero’s funeral; bury you at sea; say you died in combat with an enemy vessel. That’s it. There we are. Go on, in you go. Little boy with big job to do… Come on, Percy, let’s get the King.


[User] Ohh!!!

[Assistant] My Lord, Your Majesty…


[User] What?

[Assistant] I bring the gravest of news.


[User] What; have the armies of the Rhine been slaughtered to a man and their heads cut off, and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner?

[Assistant] No, My Lord.


[User] Do you bring me news of the Russian royal family mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing, and hunted down, chopped to pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?

[Assistant] No, My Lord.


[User] Well, what then?

[Assistant] My Lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.


[User] We took five hundred off the dowry because of it.

[Assistant] But I thought that–


[User] Dearly beloved, we are gathered together, here in the sight of Our Lord, to witness the marriage of two God-fearing Christians. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

[Assistant] Yes, I am…


[User] Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God. If any man here knows just cause why they may not be married… \ \

[Assistant] Oh, dear Lord, please / help me now! /


[User] …let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

[Assistant] Now’s your chance!


[User] So be it.

[Assistant] Oh, thanks a lot!


[User] Speak up — can’t hear a thing back here!

[Assistant] I do.


[User] STILL CAN’T HEAR!!

[Assistant] I do, I do, I do!!!


[User] Yes! Yes! Yes!

[Assistant] Oh no!!!


[User] Oh, yes, Father, I think I’ve got one. Erm, yes: Princess Leia of Hungary.

[Assistant] What’s she like?


[User] Leia is, er, “young and beautiful, her eyes are like opals and her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut.”

[Assistant] Oh, well! That sounds all right, doesn’t it!


[User] My love! Beside me! Beside me!

[Assistant] Sorry, what can I do — politics!


[User] Hello, Edmund.

[Assistant] Hello…


[User] Are we getting married now?

[Assistant] Yes, yes, I believe we are…


[User] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today–

[Assistant] “…and so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends in , and go to live in a land far away, where the elfs and the fairies would look after him until the day that he died.”


[User] Oh, that was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story. Isn’t it time to put the light out?

[Assistant] Yes, my dear, I think it is. It must be at least six o’clock…


[User] Ah, Edmund, I’m glad I’ve caught you.

[Assistant] Er, doing what?


[User] I’m afraid Father’s feeling a bit under the weather.

[Assistant] Oh dear! Any idea what?


[User] Not sure — I think it’s probably Black Death. Nevertheless, I am sure that he’d appreciate a little visit from you…

[Assistant] Oh. Well, I’m sure I can pop my head round the door…


[User] …sort of nowish.

[Assistant] Mother, would you like to…?


[User] Oh, no, dear — he won’t let me near him. How is he?

[Assistant] Well, he’s up.


[User] Ah. Very well. Gentlemen, I must leave you. Prince Edmund is in charge!

[Assistant] Er, yes, right. Gentlemen, right… As you know, today we face the gravest crisis this country has known since the Roman invasion. Lord 1: What about the Viking invasion? Lord 2: …and the Norman invasion?


[User] …and the Swiss invasion?

[Assistant] Er, well, the greatest crisis for some time. Lord 2: And we all know why! Why?


[User] Because the King is possessed!

[Assistant] What?! Lord 2: True! True! The land is full of omens of bewitchment. Only last week in Cornwall, a man with four heads was seen taking tea on the beach; and two women in Windsor claimed to have been raped by a fish! Lord 1: I, too, have heard such tales. In , it rained phlegm; and they do say that, in Edinburgh, the graves did open and the ghosts of our ancestors rose up and competed in athletic sports!


[User] …and a friend of mine had this awful pimple on the inside of his nose!!!

[Assistant] Percy, shut up, for God’s sake.


[User] …and a farmer in heard a cow reciting Geoffrey Chaucer; and a young woman in Shropshire saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field, mooing and suckling a young heifer!

[Assistant] Gentlemen, gentlemen, surely we aren’t the sort of people who believe in this sort of thing. I mean, next you’ll be telling me is that washing your hair in bat’s droppings stops you going bald. Lord 2: But it’s true! I couldn’t find enough bats, and look what happened!


[User] I move that we do the only thing we can do to remove this curse from the kingdom.

[Assistant] Ah, well, that sounds like the answer, doesn’t it! Lord 1: Send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant! Lord 2: Call for the


[User] The Prince of Wales must be informed!

[Assistant] Percy, PERCY!


[User] What?

[Assistant] What the devil do you think you’re doing?


[User] Look, look, I just can’t take the pressure of all these omens anymore!

[Assistant] Percy…


[User] No, no, really, I’m serious. Only this morning in the courtyard, I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!

[Assistant] Two horses standing next to each other?


[User] Yes, I suppose it could have been.

[Assistant] Honestly, Percy, I bet you’re just the sort of person who thinks that sticking your finger up a sheep’s bottom on Good Friday will make you fertile!


[User] That’s rubbish!

[Assistant] Quite, really.


[User] It’s Easter Monday.

[Assistant] Yes, remind me not to shake your hand during a religious festival, Baldrick. I don’t believe it; I mean, who is this Witchsmeller Pursuivant, anyway?


[User] I don’t know, My Lord, but Mistress Scott would.

[Assistant] Ah yes; the old crone with a cat…


[User] Oh yes, the cat! Lovely. Oh, but she lives in the village!

[Assistant] So?


[User] Everyone’s dying of the plague!

[Assistant] Oh, yes, that’s what they claim, those peasants! Any excuse to get off a decent day’s work… outside of the castle gate; Edmund, Percy and Baldrick enter the village. Corpses are strewn about the streets, and moans and cries are heard. I mean, obviously, there are some genuine cases… Villager 1: Good morning, Prince Edmund. ‘morning, peasant! Villager 2: ‘morning, Prince Edmund. ‘morning, peasant! Villager 3: ‘morning, Prince Edmund. ‘morning, peasant!


[User] My Lord, shouldn’t you disguise yourself?

[Assistant] Hmm?


[User] Well, I mean: we don’t want someone with a grudge coming up and infecting you on purpose.

[Assistant] Ah, yes, you’re right. Villager 4: ‘morning, stranger. ‘morning, friend! Peasant 3 : ‘morning, stranger. ‘morning, friend! Peasant 3: Who is that dark stranger? Peasant 1 : Oh, that’ll be Prince Edmund.


[User] This way, My Lord.

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Bring out your dea–

[Assistant] You, where’s Mistress Scott? Peasant 4 : You just passed her. Oh my God! And what’s that?


[User] The, er, cat, My Lord.

[Assistant] Does anyone know what happened? Peasant 2 : No, I don’t! Peasant 4: Me neither. I was right on the other side of town when we burned her. Peasant 2: Shh! You burned her? Why? Peasant 2: I don’t know. Peasant 4: Well, it was because she was a witch, wasn’t it? Peasant 2: Shh! You burned Mistress Scott for being a witch? Why? Peasant 4: Can’t say — it’s a secret. A secret? Do you know who I am? Peasant 2: A stranger. Oh yes, that’s right. Well, tell me anyway. Peasant 2: No, no! We can’t! And I’ll tell you why: because if you’d been part of a secret committee to invite the Witchsmeller Pursuivant into town, and he’d already burnt four of your best friends, would you go telling everyone? No, I suppose I wouldn’t. So, is it the Witchsmeller Pursuivant who burned her? Peasant 3: He’s guessed! Peasant 1: He’s clever.


[User] They don’t call him Clever Jake for nothing, you know.

[Assistant] Well, they don’t call me Clever Ja– oh, I see. So what does this Witchsmeller man look like? Peasant 1: No-one knows, My Lord — no-one! Peasant 3: He’s a master of disguise, and he mostly appears only at night. That’s right, isn’t it!


[User] I believe so.

[Assistant] Ah, right, so he won’t be around, now. Well, let me tell you something: If this so-called Witchsmeller burnt Mistress Scott–


[User] …and her pussycat…

[Assistant] …and her pu– be quiet, Percy. …then there’s something wrong with his nose. And I should know: they don’t call me Clever Pete for nothing.


[User] Jake, My Lord.

[Assistant] What about him?


[User] Clever Jake, My Lord.

[Assistant] Where?


[User] You are Clever Jake, My Lord.

[Assistant] Oh yes. They don’t call me Clever Pete at all! They call me Clever Jake. And if I were you, and I’d asked the Witchsmeller into town, I’d kick the big-nosed bully straight out again! What do you say?


[User] I think it’s worth serious consideration.

[Assistant] Well, exactly. Take Clever Tom’s advice, and send him back to the madhouse he came from. Come on, boys. Put them down, Percy. Come on. Mistress Scott is obviously in no state to help us today.


[User] Ah, Edmund! Come on in, come on in. The Witchsmeller’s arrived.

[Assistant] Oh yes? Old Bignose is back, is he? Oh, hello… I’m delighted to meet you. Why, I’m one of your greatest admirers.


[User] “Old Bignose is back”??

[Assistant] Yes. Old Bignose is back. He’s in a terrible state. I was talking to him just now. He’s a great admirer of yours as well.


[User] Who’s this?

[Assistant] Er , Old Bignose… In fact, I was hearing about your work in . Imagine that — every single person in the village having an affair with the same duck.


[User] The Duck of Taunton was a tragic circumstance.

[Assistant] And I hear you very kindly burned our Mistress Scott for us.


[User] Oh yes. And her pussycat.

[Assistant] Ah, but have you found the chief witch yet?


[User] I feel I may be very close.

[Assistant] Ooh, get the kindling ready! Make sure that stake is well done!


[User] By trial or by ordeal.

[Assistant] Ah, the ordeal by water…


[User] No, by axe.

[Assistant] Oh!


[User] The suspected witch has his head placed upon a block , and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck , so we burn him; if he is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off .

[Assistant] What a very fair test that is.


[User] Would you like to take a less violent test yourself, Your Highness, by way of demonstration?

[Assistant] How much less violent?


[User] Yes, Edmund, I think you should do it, eh? At least take yourself out of the running, wot! Lord 2: I haven’t seen your broomstick recently, Your Highness! Oh, very good, ! Very good!

[Assistant] I’m not so sure about all this, you know…


[User] You will all notice how it has suddenly become much darker. Choose!

[Assistant] There we are! Lord 2: Prince Edmund’s a witch!


[User] , My Lord, as I thought: This is the source of evil in your Kingdom. This is your witch. Behold; Lucifer’s brother! B-b-bl-bl-b-b-BURN THE WITCH!

[Assistant] Yes, er, I’m not quite sure I caught the first part of that…


[User] If that’s what you recommend.

[Assistant] But, Harry, you can’t let him do this!


[User] He is very highly thought of, you know.

[Assistant] But he’s a quack!


[User] What did you say?

[Assistant] “Quack”! “Quack”! “Quack”!


[User] Prince Edmund, are you a Christian?

[Assistant] Yes, of course I am.


[User] Can you say the Lord’s Prayer?

[Assistant] Well, yes — I can say it backwards if you like!


[User] CONFESSION! Now, Edmund, I believe you have a pussycat…

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Ohh! Its name is Bubbles?

[Assistant] Right.


[User] Yes, or, to give it its full name, Beelzebubbles!!! Do you deny that you were seen, on the Feast of St. Jacob the Turgid, speaking to this little cat Bubbles?

[Assistant] Well, of course I deny it!


[User] Ah, but the chambermaid Mary heard you say, and I quote, “Hello, little Bubbles, would you like some milk?”

[Assistant] Well, I might have said that!


[User] Ah!!! And what did you mean by it?

[Assistant] Well, I meant, would the cat like some milk.


[User] Milk? What did you mean by `milk’?

[Assistant] I meant milk! Bloody milk!!!


[User] BLOODY MILK!!! It was a mixture of milk and blood!

[Assistant] No, no, just milk!


[User] Ah, blood was to come later!

[Assistant] There wasn’t any blood!


[User] SO YOU HAD TO MAKE DO WITH MILK!!! I , My Lord. you have a horse called Black Satin?

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Yes, and do you confess than on the thirtieth day of you did say to this horse Black Satin, and I quote, “Satin, would you like some carrots?”

[Assistant] Well, I might have done — he likes carrots.


[User] Carrots?

[Assistant] Yes, carrots…


[User] No! No, we don’t. If the Devil likes carrots, why isn’t mentioned in the Bible, then? Why doesn’t it say, “And He took the Lord up to the top of an high mountain and offered Him a carrot”?

[Assistant] Yes, why isn’t “Thou shalt not eat carrots” in the Ten Commandments?


[User] Oh really? And how did you get to know so much about carrots, eh? WITCH! My Lord, I call my first witness! Now, Satin, just relax. You’re among friends. Good. Now, tell me, in your own words: Did you, Satin, on certain nights last tide, indulge — albeit, I accept, in all innocence — infrenzied, naked, and obscene Satanic orgies with your master, known to you as the Great Grumbledook?

[Assistant] What?


[User] Silence, Grumbledook! Satin, you’re not replying. He’s not replying, My Lord. Are we to assume this horse has something to hide?

[Assistant] Either that or he can’t talk.


[User] Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.

[Assistant] Mother, I’m not a witch!


[User] Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.

[Assistant] Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me.


[User] I haven’t had any power for years, you know.

[Assistant] But Father’s sick! You must do something, otherwise…


[User] Otherwise what?

[Assistant] Well, otherwise, I’ll be burnt!


[User] Ah, yes, this would be a pity.

[Assistant] Well, thanks.


[User] My Lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.

[Assistant] Yes?


[User] Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you!

[Assistant] Brilliant! Contact them at once.


[User] I’ve already done it, My Lord!

[Assistant] Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters?


[User] Er, yes…

[Assistant] Read them.


[User] Very well. Erm, this is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset: “What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves at a later date.”

[Assistant] Yes… What does that one say?


[User] It’s from John Watts.

[Assistant] Oh, `Stinker’ Watts!


[User] “Dear Percy: I remember being at school with Prince Edmund and yourself, and so was very interested by your letter.

[Assistant] Yes?


[User] “May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts.”

[Assistant] Oh no, I’m doomed!


[User] Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!

[Assistant] Oh! What is it?


[User] Yeah, , be there.

[Assistant] Brilliant! Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!


[User] Glad to hear it.

[Assistant] Tomorrow, I shall not be so meek!


[User] However, before he died–

[Assistant] You bastard!


[User] …he did make this signed confession. I’ll read it to you. “I, Black Satin, confess that my former master, Edmund, is the servant of Satan… “…and I spoke to him on the matter frequently… “…over a gallon” — a gallon! — “…a gallon of stableboy’s blood”! , My Lord, this turgid, horrid, nasty and most evil case draws to an end. I call my last witness!

[Assistant] Oh yes, and what is it: a cow? a talkative badger? an easily bribed ant?


[User] ‘course I recognise him!

[Assistant] She’s seen me on a coin.


[User] I have…

[Assistant] You must be joking!


[User] …to my deepest shame.

[Assistant] And mine! I mean, look at her!


[User] After we had just kissed once, he transformed into a wild animal!

[Assistant] Or perhaps I do remember you…


[User] Yes, My Lord. Three months later, I was great with child.

[Assistant] Oh, for God’s sake…


[User] I give you John Grumbledook!!!

[Assistant] Oh, come on — he doesn’t look the slightest bit like me.


[User] Well, yes, actually, I’d quite like to say–

[Assistant] Shut up, Percy!


[User] And you, Grumbledook?

[Assistant] Yes: NOW! Brilliant, Baldrick! How you managed that, I’ll never know.


[User] You Turkish pigs!

[Assistant] Percy…


[User] Sorry.

[Assistant] Look, erm, you two, you wouldn’t perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us–


[User] …escape…

[Assistant] …by dressing up as washer women… \ Soft and Anon: …washer women… / …and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets? \ Soft and Anon: …three large wicker laundry baskets… / No, I suppose not.


[User] Hello, Edmund.

[Assistant] Hello, dear…


[User] You look funny!

[Assistant] Yes — I’ve had all my hair cut off.


[User] Oh yes, that’s it.

[Assistant] Look, there’s no news of a reprieve, is there?


[User] Oh, no — everyone’s really looking forward to it. Hello, boys. Percy and Baldrick: Good morning, Your Majesty… I have to go to my room, which isn’t fair, but, in fact… Edmund, Percy and Baldrick: Yes? I think I might even get a better view from the window!

[Assistant] Oh, great…


[User] Well, I think I better be going. Oh yes — your mummy asked me to give you this.

[Assistant] Oh great! What is it; a knife? a file? a small bucket of water?


[User] No, silly! It’s a dolly.

[Assistant] So it is. Yes it is. Great, great. It’s just what we needed.


[User] Goodbye, Edmund.

[Assistant] Goodbye, dear. Mother!


[User] My Lord, I have a cunning plan.

[Assistant] Oh, fuck off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.


[User] Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Very well.

[Assistant] Er, no, sorry — yes! Yes, I do, in fact!


[User] CONFESSION!!

[Assistant] I should like to confess, in front of God and this — rather small — crowd, that I have, occasionally, done things wrong.


[User] Be more specific.

[Assistant] Er, well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox–


[User] Sheep!

[Assistant] er, sheep; I have my father’s adultery…


[User] Get on with it!

[Assistant] I have not honoured my neighbour’s ass…


[User] Oh, light the fires!!!

[Assistant] I’m a witch! I’m a witch!


[User] Me too! Me too!

[Assistant] Oh, damn — I’m not even comfortable.


[User] Yes, but I expect you’re jolly glad of that cloak in the winter. Good lord!

[Assistant] Well done, Baldrick!


[User] No you’re right my lord it won’t.

[Assistant] Very well. Percy … you’re dismissed from my service. P : Ha ha ha…. who me why ? Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the Realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would, your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can’t be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn’t be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece you might just get by as a fool, but, since you wouldn’t know a joke if it got up and gave you a hair-cut, I doubt it. That is why you’re dismissed.


[User] Oh I see.

[Assistant] And as for you Baldric…


[User] Yes my lord ?

[Assistant] You’re out too.


[User] So Edmund spurned his friends and began his quest for glory.

[Assistant] Well, I expect you’ll go back to shovelling dung in the gutter where I found you ?


[User] Nah, shouldn’t think so.

[Assistant] No ?


[User] No. It took me years to get that job, I’ll probably be back milking pigs or mucking out the leppers.

[Assistant] Really ?


[User] 100 yrds later

[Assistant] Get out of my way.


[User] Going on a journey my lord ?

[Assistant] No, I thought I’d stand here all day and talk to you.


[User] You’ll be needing someone to tend your horse then ?

[Assistant] No and even if I did I wouldn’t take you. I mean look at you. What is your profession ? Oh my God a retired Morris Dancer, thats all I need. Well if you can keep up you can come.


[User] Thus did Edmund set forth into England … … with his rather irritating old servant. And so the Black Adder scoured the land to search out the six other Most Evil Men in the kingdom. Sir Wilfred Death.

[Assistant] Oh my God an ambush! Ambusher #1 : Sir Wilfred Death, your tyranny is now at an end. Prepare to be hung by your codlings from that tree.


[User] Never!

[Assistant] Sir Wilfred Death.


[User] Edmund.

[Assistant] I’m looking for some men to take over the kingdom.


[User] There is our mark. You shoot first. Thats good… so good in fact…. I’m going to have to … …cheat.

[Assistant] Three-Fingered Pete !


[User] I was just ministering extreme unction.

[Assistant] Who shall be our seventh ? Wilfred ?


[User] No. I’m talking of unspeakably violent Jack, the bull-buggering beast-killer of no-fixed-abode.

[Assistant] Are you sure he’s the sort of chap we’re looking for ?


[User] … so I kissed her on the left buttock.

[Assistant] So, tell me Jack what is your second name ?


[User] Large, Jack Large.

[Assistant] Ha. Then in our band you shall be known as “Large Jack”.


[User] Why?

[Assistant] Well… because you are so little.


[User] Why not “Little Jack” then ?

[Assistant] Well, because “Large Jack” is more amusing.


[User] Is it?

[Assistant] Very well then “Little Jack”.


[User] You wish to mock my size ?

[Assistant] No no no no no, no of course not…. erm… Innkeeper some more beer! Six large beers… … and another large beer. Let us then go on to the plan.


[User] But first a motto for our enterprise. “Blessed are the meek, for they shall be slaughtered”

[Assistant] Wait you’ve forgotten the plan.


[User] Lets get those meek bastards, now.

[Assistant] QUIET!


[User] The plan, the plan….

[Assistant] Very well, the plan is simple.


[User] Down with the plan.

[Assistant] Well….. it’s cunning in its simplicity. Tonight, I ride for home…


[User] I say strike now while the iron is hot.

[Assistant] But it isn’t hot.


[User] Isn’t it?

[Assistant] No it’s just warming up, but, when it is hot, we will strike.


[User] What ? Are we going to have to wait till summer ?

[Assistant] No, no when the iron is hot.


[User] What iron?

[Assistant] Never mind, we are all agreed. I shall send for you all.


[User] How ?

[Assistant] Well… by a message, a sign.


[User] What sort of sign ?

[Assistant] Well, something black probably.


[User] Black pudding ?

[Assistant] Not quite.


[User] A messenger… with the Black Death perhaps ?

[Assistant] Yes, thats better.


[User] He means to kill us !

[Assistant] No, no, I mean a messenger with black…. hair.


[User] Aye.

[Assistant] And when he comes to you, drop whatever you are doing and speed with all haste to Jaspers tavern.


[User] I killed him.

[Assistant] From there I shall take you to the castle where we shall capture the King, and the Queen and the Prince. and then I will say to them “The kingdom of Albion is ours, you are doomed to lives of exile. Get out!”


[User] Exile?

[Assistant] Yeeesss, exile. For life.


[User] Why don’t we just… kill them ?

[Assistant] Well, I suppose we could kill them. Wait till I sen the sign.


[User] If I get a messenger with black-heads all over him, I’ll kill the ugly bastard. WD : How do we know it isn’t a trap ?

[Assistant] Because the Black Adder gives you his word. WD:We want your word not this Black Adder fellows. But I am the Black Adder.


[User] Oh I see.

[Assistant] And when all is done, the Black Seal shall rule England. All for one….


[User] You’re in a merry mood my lord.

[Assistant] Tes. No-one can stop me now.


[User] No-one ?

[Assistant] No no-one…. except perhaps…. no not even him.


[User] And who might that be my lord ?

[Assistant] Well there was a man, Philip of Bergundy, known to his enemies as, “The Hawk”. We were deadly childhood rivals, although,of course, in those days he was known as “The Thrush”, but no-ones heard of him for years. Well, come on, lets go we’ve got work to do. OM : Not so fast Edinburgh. This “Hawk” did he look something like this ? Erm… no, not really. Oh my God, Philip of Bergundy. Philip of Bergundy: Known to my enemies as…


[User] …”The Hawk”

[Assistant] …but your horse used to be a huge brown…. Oh yes, thats the one. Well its been very good to see you… erm … Phil.


[User] This time not fast enough.

[Assistant] What do you want with me ?


[User] I’ll tell you later I return at last after fifteen years.

[Assistant] And what have you been up to ?


[User] Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.

[Assistant] Ah, so you’ve kept yourself busy.


[User] Yes, fifteen years of living in France teaches a man to hate. Fifteen years of wearing perfume, fifteen years of eating frogs, fifteen years of saying “Pardon” and all because of you.

[Assistant] But surely the scenery.


[User] I never went outside.I couldn’t stand the smell.

[Assistant] What has all this got to do with me ?


[User] Because Edmund its going to take you fifteen years… to die!

[Assistant] Fifteen years ?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] How ?


[User] I think it would be more amusing if you found out for yourself. Let us just say that it has something to do with snails.

[Assistant] Oh my God, where are you going ?


[User] Why to kill the royal family and claim the throne that isn’t mine by right.

[Assistant] Dear Lord, who made all the birds and the bees, and the snails, presumably, please help me, a little animal in my dispair. I have been a sinner but from now on I intend to follow the path of the Saints, particularly the very religious ones. In the name of the Father, the Son and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.


[User] Amen.

[Assistant] What?


[User] Amen I said. I’m sorry did I get it wrong? I haven’t heard that word in twenty years you see.

[Assistant] Who are you? I didn’t realise I had company.


[User] Oh “company”, I haven’t heard that word for twenty years either, or “realise”, I’d completely forgotten. “Realise”.

[Assistant] Oh no, you’re not mad are you ?


[User] Yes I’m very mad thank you. Maaad. Thats a word I know. I say that every day. I say, “Good morning Mad Gerald, how are you today ?”, and then I say, “I’m completely mad today thank you”, and then I say, “Oh so there’s not much change there then is there Gerald?”, and I say, “No, well you’d be mad to expect any wouldn’t you?”, then I say, “But I am mad. I’m Mad Gerald….”.

[Assistant] QUIET. Sh


[User] Ssshhh

[Assistant] Look this may seem a stupid question…


[User] Question yes.

[Assistant] … but you wouldn’t know if there’s a way out of here would you?


[User] …. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. “A way out” you say? I haven’t heard those words “A way out” for….. ooh.

[Assistant] Twenty years ?


[User] Yes twenty years. Not like “Mr Rat”. I’m always saying “Mr Rat”.

[Assistant] Who ?


[User] Mr Rat. I say “Good morning Mr Rat, how are you today” and he’ll say “meep meep meep”. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha…. No you mustn’t be rude about Mr Rat, he’s my friend. Well, there’s him and there’s Mr Key.

[Assistant] What?


[User] Mr Key , I made him from my own teeth. Good morning Mr Key. Well close the bloody door!

[Assistant] Stop, stop, where are you going ?


[User] I’ll tell you where, wherever I can sell these six black carrier pigeons I’ve got in the back, that’s where.

[Assistant] Six black homing pigeons ?


[User] Well, mostly.

[Assistant] How much are they?


[User] Six shillings.

[Assistant] Oh damn.


[User] But, I suppose, if you beat me and gagged me and tied me to that tree you could have ’em for less.

[Assistant] Right.


[User] By the striking of ten bells I shall claim the throne. Gentlemen, to whom do I owe this pleasure ?

[Assistant] To me Bergundy!


[User] Edmund, I hadn’t expected to see you again.

[Assistant] No. Dead men don’t make social calls do they ? Prepare to die.


[User] Wait. Let me say just one thing.

[Assistant] Which is.


[User] If these men are what they seem to be, the six most evil men in the land…

[Assistant] Yes they are. Your last sentence please.


[User] Then they’ve made a pretty damned peculiar choice for their leader, haven’t they my lord Warden of the Privvies.

[Assistant] What ?! You think they should have chosen you, Thrush ? A man twisted by unbridled ambition ?


[User] Huh ?

[Assistant] A man haunted by insatiable greed ?


[User] Really ?

[Assistant] The most evil man in the world, you think they should have chosen you? Six + PoB: Yes! But he’s a mindless killer. He’ll destroy the kingdom. He murdered his own parents.


[User] Prepare to die. Wait. I have a more amusing method.

[Assistant] Amusing for whom I wonder.


[User] Gentlemen. In precisely one minute, the spike will go up your nethers The shears will cut off your ears.

[Assistant] Both of them ?


[User] It’s got a bit of a sting in its tail. Percy and Baldric: Hooray.

[Assistant] Aaaargghh. Woooaaarrggh. Eeeek. Nya ha ha.


[User] He lives !

[Assistant] Father, you called me Edmund.


[User] Oh… Sorry, Edgar, how are you ?

[Assistant] Not so well. Harry what do you think my chances are ?


[User] Oh no sorry, I thought you meant your chances of going to heaven.

[Assistant] Oh damn.


[User] The Black Dagger.

[Assistant] Adder.


[User] May his name last as long as our dynasty.

[Assistant] Good Lord. I wonder if it was the wine. No, seems perfectly alright to me. And now at last I shall be k….. CREDITS ROLL: Song: So now the way of sin is paved, The blade has got the Black Seal graved. The only sound across the glade, Is Edmund pushing up the daisies. Black Adder, Black Adder, A shame about the plan. Black Adder, Black Adder, Farewell you horrid man. 0. Pilot Episode 1.The Foretelling 2.Born to be King 3.The Archbishop 4.The Queen of Spain’s Beard 5.Witchsmeller Pursuivant 6.The Black Seal


[User] Ah, very good shot, my lord.

[Assistant] Thank you, Baldrick.


[User] Sorry I’m late.

[Assistant] No, don’t bother apologizing. I’m sorry you’re alive.


[User] Oh good, I see the target is ready. I’d like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.

[Assistant] Well, go to Spain. There’re millions of them.


[User] I’ll advise them to stay there then. Keep their hands off our women.

[Assistant] Oh God, who is she this time?


[User] I don’t know what you mean. Aah, ouch, aah.

[Assistant] Aah, and who is Jane?


[User] I’m sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know. Ooh, ouch… Jane Herrington. We’re very much in love, my lord.

[Assistant] This is the Jane Herrington?


[User] Yes.

[Assistant] Jane – bury-me-in-a-wide-shaped-coffin – Herrington.


[User] I.., I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.

[Assistant] No… Tall, blond, elegant?


[User] Right, that’s right.

[Assistant] Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You’ll get over her. … I did. … So did Baldrick actually.


[User] Damned!

[Assistant] You see, she’s got this thing about beards apparently.


[User] Well, in that case I’m going to shave!

[Assistant] Bad luck, Boulders.


[User] Not to worry my lord, the arrow didn’t in fact enter my body.

[Assistant] Oh good. No, by a thousand to one chance my willy got in the way. Extraordinary.


[User] And I only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there forever.

[Assistant] That so Baldrick? It can be your lucky willy.


[User] Yes, my lord. Years from now I’ll show it to my grandchildren.

[Assistant] No Baldrick, I think that grandchildren may now be out of the question. Poor old Pee Brain, eh? Ha! Never catch me falling in love, that’s for damned sure as mustard . Come in.


[User] Good day to you, Lord Blackadder!

[Assistant] Ah, good day to you… boy?!. What is it brings you here? b: I’m an honest hard working lad, but poor and I must support my father who is stark raving mad. Therefore I come to London to seek a servants wage. Yes, indeed. Unfortunately I already have a servant. b: The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London. Hmm, that’s true. Baldrick you’re fired. Be out of the house in ten minutes. Well young man you’ve got your self a job. What do they call you? b: Kate. Isn’t that a bit of a girls name? b: Oh..it’s..euh… short for… Bob! Bob?! b: Yes. Well, Bob, welcome on board. Sorry Baldrick, any reason why you are still here?


[User] Euh .. I’ve got nowhere to go, my lord.

[Assistant] O surely you will be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks.


[User] I’ve been in your service since I was two and a halve, my lord.

[Assistant] Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.


[User] Couldn’t I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?

[Assistant] Well, you know where you will have to live.


[User] In the gutter. Yes.

[Assistant] And you’ll have to work a bit harder too.


[User] Of course, my lord.

[Assistant] All right. Go and get Bob’s stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out into the street.


[User] God bless you, sweet master.

[Assistant] Oh Bob, this is Percy, a dimwit I don’t seem to be able to shake off.


[User] Ah, hello there Bob, you young roister-doister, you. Ah, you look a likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and all sorts of jolly, rosy cheap capering, eh. Of course you do, and more besides, I warrant thee, young scamp. b: Thank you so much for letting me stay Lord Blackadder.

[Assistant] Oh not at all Bob. I’m looking forward to having you… Euh, having another man about the house instead of that animal Baldrick. Excuse me, I must go into the lavatory. b: How little he knows and how much I would have him know.


[User] Oh, what has happened about Edmund? There is something very odd about someone who spends all his time with a servant.

[Assistant] Well Bob. We’re a couple of fine lads together, aren’t we? Let’s get ratted and talk about girls eh? Yes we could sink to really dirty songs and… oh God, I find you curiously pleasant company, young Bob. b: I’m honoured and for my part want nothing more than to be with you… old man. Well absolutely. I mean there is nothing more healthy and normal than having a good chum. b: What think you my lord of love? You mean rumpy pumpy? b: What would you say my lord if I were to say “I love you”. Eum, well of course it depends entirely on whom you said it to. If you said it to a horse I would presume you were sick, if you said it to Baldrick I would presume you were blind and if you said it to me, well… b: Yes, my lord? Well, well I’d naturally assume we were having a big lads joke about back-tickle as the way we healthy fellows often do and I’d probably grab you for a friendly wrestle and then we’d probably slap each others sides like jolly good chums and laugh at what it would be like if we really did fancy each other. b: In that case my lord… I love you!


[User] Don’t worry Bob. He used to try and kill me too.

[Assistant] Why didn’t you go Baldrick? Mighty glad to see you What do you want?


[User] Bah, I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof sir? Earlier the towns bailiff says that if I lie in the gutter I will be flushed into the Thames with all the other turds.

[Assistant] Yes, certainly Baldrick. Help your self. I was just off to bed anyway. Euh.. good night Baldrick. Good night Bob. b: Good night my lord. Yes. Oh God…


[User] Now then what seems to be the trouble?

[Assistant] Well, it is my man servant.


[User] I see. Well don’t be embarrassed if you got the pocks. Just pop your man servant on the table and we’ll take a look at him.

[Assistant] No, I mean, it is my real man servant.


[User] Ah, ah. And what is wrong with him?

[Assistant] There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He’s perfect and last night I almost kissed him.


[User] I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?

[Assistant] Not boys. A boy.


[User] Yes, well let’s not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and naturally you’re worried.

[Assistant] Of course I’m worried.


[User] Well, of course you are. It isn’t every day a man wakes up to discover he’s a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods clean earth than a weasle. Ashamed of your self?

[Assistant] Not really, no.


[User] Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?

[Assistant] Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?


[User] No, it’s all part of the service. I think you’re in luck though. An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind of sordid problem.

[Assistant] It wouldn’t have anything to do with leeches, would it?


[User] I had no idea you were a medical man.

[Assistant] Never had anything you doctors didn’t try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.


[User] They’re marvellous, aren’t they?

[Assistant] Well, the bottom one wasn’t. I just sat there and squashed it.


[User] You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?

[Assistant] Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn’t it?


[User] That’s right, the great Hoffmann.

[Assistant] Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.


[User] Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I’m a busy man. As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course of leeches.

[Assistant] Yes. I ‘ll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.


[User] No, no, no, no. Don’t be ridiculous. This isn’t the dark ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly.

[Assistant] You’re a sale quack, aren’t you?


[User] Anything to follow my lord? There is this lovely fat spider I found in the bath. I was saving it for my self but if you fancy it…

[Assistant] Shut up Baldrick. I don’t eat invertebrates for fun you know. This is doctors orders.


[User] Oh, I don’t hold with this new fangle doctoring. Any problems, I go to the Wise woman!

[Assistant] Yes Baldrick. I am long past on trusting my self to some deranged druid who gives her professional address as 1, Dunghill Mansions, Putney. In Putney. Tell me Young crone, is this Putney?


[User] That it be, that it be.

[Assistant] “Yes it is”. Not “that it be”. You don’t have to talk in that stupid voice to me. I’m not a tourist. I seek information about a Wisewoman.


[User] Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman.

[Assistant] Yes, the Wisewoman.


[User] Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is … a woman, and second, she is …

[Assistant] .. wise?


[User] You do know her then?

[Assistant] No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you’ll be getting if you don’t start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?


[User] Of course.

[Assistant] Where?


[User] Here. Do you have an appointment?

[Assistant] No.


[User] Well, you can go in anyway.

[Assistant] Thank you Young crone. Here is a purse of moneys… which I’m not going to give to you.


[User] Hail Edmund, lord of Adders Black.

[Assistant] Hello.


[User] Step no nearer, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plot is,

[Assistant] thou wouldst be king and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine. Ah, ah, ah, ah. No, no, no, no. it is far worse than that. I’m in love with my man servant.


[User] Oh well, I’d sleep with him if I were you.

[Assistant] What?


[User] When I fancy people, I sleep with them. Oh, I have to drug them first of course! Being so old and watty.

[Assistant] But what about my position, my social life?


[User] Very well then. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure thy ailment.

[Assistant] Oh good.


[User] The first is simple. Kill Bob!

[Assistant] Never.


[User] Then try the second. Kill your self!

[Assistant] Neu. And the third?


[User] The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.

[Assistant] Ha, that sounds more like it. How?


[User] Kill everybody in the whole world. Ah, ha, ha …

[Assistant] Now look here Bob. I’ve got something very important to say to you and I want you to listen very carefully. b: Yes. Look Bob. I’ve decided that you are to leave my service. b: Oh no, my lord! My father will starve and I’ll have to become a.. male prostitute. And besides, I thought we were friends. Oh we are friends Bob. Of course, of course.. In fact that’s the reason I want you to leave my service and become my live-in chum. b: Oh my lord! Now. I want to make definitely clear that I am in no way interested in the contents of your tights. b: You might be, my lord, if you knew what I kept in them. Euh, ah.. I’ve learned of my self, well.. that I know what a gentleman keeps in his tights. Thank you very much. b: But my lord, I have a great secret. What? b: Prepare to be amazed. Oh no. You haven’t got one of these birthmarks shaped like a banana, have you? b: No. Or, or, or a tattoo saying “Get it here”? b: No. Oh God. You’ve got one of those belly buttons that sticks outward, haven’t you? b: No my lord. Now what can it possibly be? Aah… good Lord! What was all that Bob’s stuff about then? b: Because you would have just used me and cast me aside like you have so many women before. Would I? b: Yes. But now you have a chance to grow to love me for what I really am. Yes, that’s true and now I want to marry you, Bob. b: Kate! Then come, kiss me Kate!


[User] Suits you, actually.

[Assistant] Your Majesty.


[User] Oh, hello stranger.

[Assistant] I seek your permission to wed.


[User] Good point. Though slightly grovely.

[Assistant] Very well. When I fell in love I didn’t know she was a woman. I thought she was a boy.


[User] Oh all right, go on and marry her.

[Assistant] Thank you, ma’m.